- Chapter Four: For Tom and Sarah,
having a rich brother was complicated.
On the one hand, Connor's wealth
made them feel like the failures of the family.
On the other hand, he was a great source
of hand-me-downs: toys,
children's clothing, and even...
A six-month-old laptop,
I mean, if anyone should get it, it's me.
I need it for my job.
- Denise and I share a computer
that burns our thighs.
But yeah, sure, give it to the "writer."
- Why is "writer" always in quotes?
Besides, my computer keeps crashing.
I lost an entire chapter this morning.
- Our laptop can't be on a lap, Tom!
- Weren't Mom and Dad gonna get you a new one?
- Yeah, they'd rather buy things for their kids
than actually come and visit.
- Yeah, that's weird. They're only two hours away.
Think we'd get more grandparent time.
- Yeah.
- Mom?
- Dad?
- It's not what it looks like.
- It looks like you're visiting Connor and not us.
- Why'd you say it wasn't what it looked like?
It's exactly what it looks like.
- I agree. This is ridiculous.
It's an incubator. It's not worth those numbers.
- You drove all the way in from Sacramento
and didn't even offer to visit?
- I left you a voicemail.
- Mom, your voicemails are just three minutes
of rustling in your purse.
- I can't believe you guys
are playing favorites like this.
You haven't visited Sarah's place
or my place in ages.
- Yeah, and it's so important for you
to spend time with the kids right now.
I mean, especially after last year.
- Admit it, you just love hanging out
in this gigantic house.
It's like a vacation for you guys.
- That's not fair.
- Fresh mimosa?
- Oh! Gracias, Lupe.
- De nada.
- Look, we're not playing favorites.
I've never once thought about the size of this house
or this--this spectacular view
that helps you forget all your cares.
- The only reason we're babysitting Gretchen
is because Connor is extra busy.
He's buying an incubator.
- Mom, do you even know what that is?
- Something with eggs.
- All right, who needs a mimosa?
Tom, Sarah, mimose?
- Connor, how often have they been visiting you?
- [trills lips]
Um...
Definitely not before today.
- Marshall, these are your pants from last week.
- Oh! - Got the chocolate out.
- Thank you, Lupe. Perfect.
- Mm-hmm.
She made a ganache. It's this...
It's just whipped filling of chocolate and--
- Thanks for the info, Dad.
- I know that Connor is going through an adjustment,
but this is not fair.
Our kids wanna see their grandparents too.
- Guys, Gretchen needs
extra attention right now, okay?
If you want more grandparent time,
maybe you should divorce your wives too.
- Super helpful. - Great advice.
- Thank you.
- But you take them on vacation.
Your childhood bedroom is basically a shrine.
Let's face it, you've always been the favorite.
- That's not true. Is that true?
- No. Not true.
- It shifts around.
- You wanna talk favorites?
How about when they missed my wrestling match
for your debate club?
- I wasn't in debate.
That's for nerds.
It was the academic quiz bowl.
- And Sarah, how about when you were 17,
and they let you go on that vacation to Colorado?
- You mean my inpatient anxiety treatment?
- You told me she was snowboarding.
- I didn't want you to worry.
You were so young and adorable.
- Hey, remember how he used to say "skissors"?
- "Rock paper skissors!"
- [playfully] Stop! Stop!
- Aww, sorry, you two are upset.
Look, let's balance the scales, all right?
Let's go to your places right now.
We'll make a day of it, right?
- Really? Yeah, Camila would love that.
- Perfect! Grandparent time for all!
- Okay. - Great.
- You okay with this, skissors?
- I mean, no, but fine.
- I get Mom. - Sure.
Okay, Mom, Dad, do you guys mind splitting up?
- Oh. - Well, well...
We've had our ups and downs, but I mean, we--
- You get to a certain age,
and then you just decide to stick with it.
- Guys, that's not what I'm--
- Wait, Gramma and Grandpa are divorcing too?
- No, no. - No, sweetie.
- I'm sending you the therapy bill.
- Yeah. - And you get the laptop.
- Yes! - Oh, damn it.
- "A Wrinkle in Time"?
- "Harry Potter"!
- It's so great having her here, right?
- Totally. For now.
- What do you mean?
The kids love her. It's grandma time!
- It's not the kids I'm worried about.
You and your mom have a 90-minute window.
You get along great for 90 minutes,
and then you start to argue and get on each other's nerves.
- That is not true.
How long has it been? - Hour twenty.
- Oh.
- It releases insulin
when your blood sugar gets too high.
And that is how an artificial pancreas works.
- I guess this counts as playing.
- Well, I mean, he's having fun.
- Say, Grandpa, why don't you try
a round of peek-a-boo?
- I don't wanna mess with their sense
of object permanence.
- Dad...
- Oh, "Where The Wild Things Are"!
- Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! Shamiah, you win $10!
- Oh, Mom, love the gesture,
but just a heads-up:
we actually donate a third of the kids' allowance
to causes that they care about,
you know, renewable energy, turtle rescue.
- That's fine, but this isn't allowance money.
This is grandma bucks! [laughs]
[kids cheer]
- Mom, I can't believe that--
I can't believe
how much fun the kids are having with you.
- Well, thank you, Sarah.
- I mean, I wanna be wrong.
- Hey, Marina, what percentile
head circumference are they?
I'm guessing Es-ta-ban's a couple of points bigger.
- Esteban.
- Sorry, what did I say?
- Also, you're pointing at Alejandro.
- You sure? 'Cause I'm really getting
an Ees-ta-ban vibe from this one.
- You know, Sarah, this place would feel
a lot less cramped
if you would put some of this stuff away.
- Okay, well, I do, but--
- You were always the messy one.
- And you always reminded me.
I wonder if Tom and Marina are having this much "fun"
with Dad. [hushed] Please stop that.
- Guys, can I watch the game in your room?
- Yeah, if you're here now,
why don't you play a game with Camila?
- Ah, way ahead of ya.
I already have set her up for online poker.
- Love you, Grandpa!
- Love you too, baby. Hey, don't go all-in
unless you got the nuts, sweetheart.
- You can't do "Black Lives Matter"
in charades! It is offensive!
- How is that offensive?
- Why the trumpet?
- Because Louis Armstrong was Black!
- Oh, my God, Mom.
- Stop criticizing Grandma!
Tell us who else was Black.
- If you need me, I'll be on your bed.
- And if you need me,
I will listening to a podcast about murder.
- 90 minutes on the dot. I should write a book.
- What up?
- Hey, how's it going with Dad?
- It's great. It's... so great.
We're having the best time.
- I can't help you if you keep crying like this.
- How's it going with Mom?
- Sarah, were these walls painted this color
when you moved in? I can't picture choosing it.
- She's so good with the kids.
- Totally. It's like, grandparent time
is the best, right?
- Speaking of, Camila deserves some grandma time,
so I thought I could drop her off at your place.
- Oh, okay, you know,
actually, I was thinking we could bring Dad to you.
You know, he could do some science experiments
with Kelvin and Shamiah. That'd be fun, right?
Well, you're trying to pass her off on me.
- You're trying to pass him off on me
Okay, fine,
Mom is starting to annoy me a little bit.
- Dad's supposed to be taking care of the kids,
but we're taking care of him.
We were so jealous that Connor was the favorite,
we forgot what it's actually like when Mom and Dad visit.
[cell phone buzzes] Oh, and here's
their favorite child now. hang on.
- Hey.
How's it going with Mom and Dad?
- It's, like, the best.
- My heart is so full.
- Good. Then you're gonna love this.
So I felt bad about hogging all the grandparent time.
So I was thinking, you know,
we're all together in the Bay Area now.
We love it when Mom and Dad drive in to visit,
but it's two hours both ways.
So what if I buy them a little place in the city?
- I'm sorry, what's happening?
- Wait, like, buy them an apartment?
- Yeah, right between all three of us.
- What an amazing thing
to propose in front of everyone.
- You would do that?
- That's our Conny!
- Yes, so I found the perfect place
that just came on the market.
But this is San Francisco real estate, hombres.
Okay? We gotta act fast.
- So Mom and Dad would, like...
v-v--like, visit more?
- No, it wouldn't be visiting, Tommy.
We'd live here.
- It'd be grandparent time all the time.
[laughs]
[baby whines]
- Ta-da! - Oh, it's wonderful.
And there's even a breakfast nook.
- Oh, your mother loves her nooks.
- I must have inherited that, because I, too, love a nook.
- It's like a dream, isn't it?
Having your parents so close by.
- It's like--yes,
it's like I can't believe this is happening.
- Yes, it's, like, "Ah, wake up."
- I mean, we would practically be neighbors.
- But you'd still keep the place in Sacramento, right?
- Why would we when we can be
with you guys all the time?
- You'd sell our childhood home?
- So many good memories there... I assume.
- Well, there was some bad ones.
Super Bowl XLVII, Niners lost to the Ravens.
It was tough for me to go back in the TV room ever since.
- So what do you say, lock it down?
- Well, it's so nice.
But these hardwood floors are just--whoa.
They are so slippery.
I mean, Mom, with your smooth feet--
- Hey, that's why I married her.
- What?
- The only defect about this place
is that it is too adorable.
- Yeah, guys, what is the concern?
People are putting in offers as we speak.
- I guess it's because they don't know the truth
about this building. I heard it on a podcast.
This place... it's the site of the Kasendorf Murders.
- What?
- No, no, no, no, there were no murders here.
- Oh, yeah, I felt, like, a negative energy
when we walked in here, and that explains it.
- Yep. Triple killing, 1968.
- This place was built in 1975.
- That's the creepiest part.
- But hold on, hold on.
Don't we get a discount for that kind of thing?
- Okay.
Let's be clear. No murders.
Lots of interest for other buyers, though.
- Whoa, pressure tactics much?
This one's a shark.
- Guys, I say we put in a bid,
no matter how many people got murdered here.
- Great! No murders, but great!
- Could we see the bedroom?
I need, like, six or seven wall outlets available.
- Okay.
This way, please. No murders.
- Okay. What is going on?
This place is perfect for them.
- It is. And...
God it'd be great for Mom and Dad
to live much, much closer. But--
- Yes, but. - Definitely a "but."
- Here's the thing, I love ice cream.
You know, I'm--I'm like an ice cream guy...
- Who doesn't love ice cream?
- But if I had ice cream all day, every day,
it might that after a while,
ice cream gets a little irritating.
- It would make you sick. - Yeah.
And I don't wanna get sick from ice cream.
I wanna love ice cream, you know,
in moderation.
- What are you talking about?
There's no such thing as too much ice cream.
- Connor, it's not about the ice cream.
- In college, I, one time, ate
16 pints of ice cream in one night.
- For, like, a fraternity thing?
- What?
- Okay. The point is, we should visit
Mom and Dad more, and they should visit us more.
But if they live here,
that would cause more problems than it solves.
- But then they could visit us all equally.
And you guys wouldn't think I'm the favorite.
- Oh, come on, man, you don't think
if you buy them this apartment,
it's gonna make them favor you even more?
You always do this.
You're buying them all this stuff--
you're buying their love.
- Well, how else am I supposed to get it?
Of course I have to buy their love.
I don't have your skills, Tom.
I've never won a Pulitzer.
- Well, I mean, it was a special citation
from the Minnesota Book Critics Association.
- The only thing I've written
is a Reddit thread about stonks.
And Sarah, you're like the perfect daughter.
You're always, like, volunteering and doing work
that actually helps the community,
while I, occasionally, am harming it.
- You're exaggerating. - No, seriously.
I once invested in a startup
that helped people bedazzle their assault weapons.
And one of my companies in Latvia
does, like, really shady stuff.
Even I was like, "Can we do this?"
- Probably shouldn't be telling us this.
- So yes, of course, I have to buy their love.
You guys make them proud.
I make them reservations and mimosas.
- Connor, they would love you even if you were poor.
- Ew, don't say that.
I thought this would make you guys feel better,
but in hindsight, I can see how, you know,
buying them an apartment with a freaking sweet nook
would only make you feel worse.
- The nook is off the hook.
- I just--I got a little carried away.
So I'll go call it off.
And maybe you're right, you know?
Maybe there's an upside
to having a little bit of distance.
- Connor, if we'd live here,
we could help you find a new girlfriend!
- Yeah, I'll be your wingman!
- Yep, distance is good.
- [sighs] This has turned
into a wonderful surprise.
Moving to the city was not on my bingo card.
- Hey, Conny, you went above and beyond, big guy.
- So what do you think, big guy?
[light awkward music]
♪ ♪
- You guys wanna check out the bathroom with me?
- What happened? I thought you were calling it off.
- I can't. They were so excited.
If I bail, I'll be their least favorite.
- Just tell them you're reconsidering
and is actually not that great an apartment.
- Yeah, the bathroom barely fits five people.
- Unless... someone else takes it away from them.
I need the room.
- You can't wait 'til you get home?
- Just go.
[line trilling]
- Well, are you gonna-- - Ow!
- Oh, Jesus.
- Hello?
- [bad Australian accent] 'Allo.
Cheerio, cheerio, yeah.
This is Nigel Brimble-Goggin.
Now, I've seen you have an apartment
I simply must acquire. - Mm-hmm.
- Well, you see, I'm actually new to America,
and I need to find a place to live while I go on holiday.
- I see. Right.
- Money's no object. - Well, I already have a buyer.
- You know, I'm willing to go over the asking price.
- Over the asking price?
- When a Brimble-Goggin sees something he wants,
he's gotta have it.
- That does not sound good.
- Well, maybe it's a blessing in disguise.
- Yeah, you don't wanna live inside a murder building,
especially if the victims were found inside the walls.
- Whoo, too far, too far. - They need to know.
- So we have another bidder.
And he's quite aggressive.
- Aw, fudge! - Oh, dear.
- San Francisco real estate, the worst.
- I was just checking out the tiles.
Did some unexpected event just take place?
- Connor, we may not be moving.
There is another bidder. - No!
- Yeah, from a very pushy man.
New Zealand? I can't place his accent.
- Yeah, probably British.
- I don't think so.
- Maybe like a South London
kind of vibe?
- Notting Hill? - No.
- Yeah, he's probably Scottish.
I think that's British, too, right?
- Marshall, I need that nook.
- Okay, sweetie. What do you think, Conny?
Let's show this kiwi who's boss.
Let's take what he's asking, raise him five large.
[lightly tense music]
♪ ♪
- The truth is...
I gotta call his bluff!
[laughter]
- Yes. - Yes.
I will tell Mr. Brimble-Goggin that he has been outbid.
- "Brimble-Goggin"?
- He sounds British to me.
- Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?
- Yeah.
- What's going on, man?
- I was trying to buy it out from under myself.
But I can't just give up in front of Mom and Dad.
I gotta make it look like
I'm putting up a fight against the other guy.
- You are the other guy!
- Mm-hmm, and this negotiation
is about to get real interesting.
- Excuse me.
I gotta go do more bathroom stuff.
- When Conny has to go, he really has to go.
- Yeah, he gets it from me.
One clam, I am done-zo.
- Oh, crikey!
Well, if that's the case,
I guess I must raise my bid as well!
I simply must own that apartment,
which is what we here in South Kensington
call a "flat."
- Gee, I hope this works out.
- Yeah. - It's a great idea
from Connor. - Yeah.
- Another great idea from Connor.
- Oh, Tommy, who cares whose idea it was?
This could be a wonderful place.
The kids could sleep over.
We can put their artwork on that wall over there,
like Shamiah's watercolors.
- Aw, Mom.
- Tommy, I'm thinking...
we could use the top shelf
on these built-ins to display all your novels.
- Really? - Yeah.
And then, down here, we'd put John Grisham.
- You'd put me above Grisham?
- Absolutely. Mur and I are so proud of you.
- I brag about you on Facebook.
There's a special emoji for books.
It's like a little pile of books.
- Yeah, and you too, Sarah.
You have got such a great heart.
- Yeah.
- I have no idea where that came from.
I, myself, have not volunteered since Hands Across America.
- That's right.
- Wow, we always just assumed
that Connor was the favorite.
- Yeah, he's got all the money, you know, he's the baby.
I mean, how can we compete with that?
- Well, he is the baby.
But that only means he needs us more.
We love all of you equally.
And that goes for you two as well.
- Oh. - We are delighted
to have you both as daughters-in-law.
- Well, thank you, Dad.
- And I am very proud
to share the Hayworth name with you both.
- That is so sweet, honestly.
But you know, Sarah and I created our own last name.
- Yeah, I don't understand that, so...
Okay, bring it in. Come on.
Ah! - Oh!
- Okay.
Come on, everybody.
- Yeah. [laughter]
- Oh, that feels good.
- Yeah. Let's check on Rachel,
see what's going on.
- [softly] Okay.
- So-- - Yeah...
- I mean... - Yeah...
- I told you guys
it might be a good idea to have them closer.
- Oh, please. - You were just as much
a part of this as we were. Please.
- You know what? The kids would love it,
and we might like it too.
- Oh my god, Connor!
- Hey, Connor? Buddy?
Are you almost done in there?
- Almost!
- No really, whatever you're doing in there,
you need to hit pause, okay?
- Just one second! I'm actually using it now!
[toilet flushes]
- So it's over?
- I'm so sorry.
The other buyer wired a down payment.
I think he's Dutch.
- [bad British accent] The loo is all yours, Tom.
- Excuse me, guys. I have to call my office.
I'm so sorry.
- Well, this has been a roller coaster kind of a day.
- Yeah. - I'm sorry, Mom.
- Oh, hey, Tommy, it's not your fault.
- Well...
- You guys are doing a really good job
of acting upset.
- We are upset.
- Yeah, wow, very convincing.
- Maybe you could find them another place nearby?
- Yeah, totally.
Why are we still going with this?
What is this, like, a bit?
- Well, I guess we just kind of realized
that we've always got room for ice cream, you know.
- What?
After all this, now you guys love ice cream?
- Okay, we always loved ice cream.
We just lost sight of the whole ice cream picture.
- Look, Connor, we just had
a really heartfelt encounter with ice cream.
- Oh, yeah?
Well, while you guys were out here,
having an emotional breakthrough about ice cream,
I'm in the bathroom
dropping a ridiculous amount of money on cones!
- But here you all go again.
Can you stop arguing for once?
- Mom, this doesn't concern you.
- They keep changing their stance on a dessert.
- Oh, please! - Okay, oh, ho, ho, ho.
Mur, I think it's time we headed on home.
- Yeah, I think it's that time.
- "That time"? What time?
- There comes a time
in which the five of you start to become a lot.
- Oh, us. We're a lot.
- We can be a lot?
- What happened to all that stuff
about being proud of us?
- Well, we are. But, all of this--this--
- Maybe moving closer together isn't a great idea.
We'll just drive up on the weekends.
- Yeah, let me explain it this way.
I love hamburgers. I'm a big hamburger guy.
But if I had to eat a hamburger--
- You know what, Dad? Dad, we get it.
- Okay, people, this place is off the market.
You are officially trespassing.
Now, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.
- I never trusted her.
In the Hayworth family,
everyone liked ice cream.
But they agreed that sometimes,
the best ice cream...
- Like I said, negative energy.
- Is the kind you have to drive
two hours away to get.
- Bollocks. Just lost a lot of quid.
Hey, quid means money, right, in British?
- So there were actually no murders in the building?
- I mean, I kind of assume there's been murders
everywhere at some point or another.
- I mean, I am feeling negative energy here.
- [RP accent] Sorry to hear about the flats, old chap.
[normally] Maybe you can find a way to back out of the deal.
- Nah, my Zillow buddy told me
that they're putting in a new development,
like two blocks away, some high-end outdoor mall
with, like, a pan-Asian night market.
So in a year, that place will be worth twice what I paid.
- So we made a huge mistake,
and you're still making a profit.
- Funny how that works, huh?
- Yeah. - Well, I don't know.
Maybe since we came up with the idea,
we could be considered, like, co-financers of the thing?
- Oh, Tom, that's why you gotta put things in writing.
Business 101, man.
- But--
- [laughs]