- Chapter Three.
As the younger Hayworth siblings
wrestled with all that life had recently thrown at them,
Connor newly separated, Sarah still unemployed,
it fell to Tom to provide the steady guiding hand
the family needed.
Hey, guys? Guys?
Let's keep it down for the neighbors, okay?
Remember how we talked about our inside voices?
Let's go ahead and use those outside too.
- Maybe we should just do brunch at my place every week.
It's funner for the kids that way.
- No, it's "more fun."
- So we agree.
- With Connor's marital woes still fresh,
everyone found themselves tiptoeing around the subject.
- So Connor, how's it going with, you know?
- It's okay, I guess.
Me and Emily finally worked out the custody sitch.
She got a place nearby,
so Gretchen's gonna stay there half the week.
- But Gretchen still doesn't know you're separated?
- No, we're waiting for Emily to get back in town
and we're gonna tell her together.
We got the whole thing planned out.
We're gonna go to the beach,
do a little pony ride, picnic.
I even flew in her favorite cake from Seattle.
- Dude, I'm pretty sure that sounds
like a divorce reveal party.
- Well, I'm sure he and Emily thought it out.
- Well, Tom's right. I mean,
Gretchen will associate all of those things with divorce
for the rest of her life like, beach, divorce,
ponies, picnics, cake, divorce.
- Plus cake at the beach can be a real problem.
You got the sand and the big knife.
And it's, like, I mean, do you pre-slice?
- Well, luckily, you're not in charge of my family,
so you don't have to worry about it.
- Okay, man. I'm just trying to help.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to tell
your daughter that you're getting a divorce.
- What? You and Mom are getting
a divorce?
- Oh, Gretchen, honey... - Oh, no.
My god, Connor, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean...
- Well, you did, so congrats.
You just won the award for worst uncle.
- Technically, I'm her only uncle, so, you know,
it stands the reason, if I'm the worst uncle,
I'm also her--you know, that's not the point.
[upbeat music]
- I can't believe I spilled the beans like that
in front of Gretchen. I really blew it.
Oh, this is when you're supposed to chime in and say,
"Oh, honey. Don't beat yourself up."
- Oh, honey. Don't beat yourself up.
- That's great. Thanks.
I feel better already.
[phone vibrating] Oh, this is him now.
Hey, Connor, I'm glad you called.
- Hold on one sec. I'm getting Sarah on.
- Okay, look, I just wanna apologize again
about this morning.
- Ah, I should have been more careful
with Gretchen nearby.
- But still, I mean, I just--I feel awful.
- Oh, no, you definitely should.
Yeah, you definitely kept
that conversation going needlessly.
- Cool, cool. Yeah, just making sure.
- Hey, Con. I am so sorry
about Tom this morning.
That was so like him to just blurt it out like that.
- Tom's on.
- I know.
- Hey, so Gretchen seems
to be taking the news, like, really well.
- Oh, really? Wow.
That was... quick, but good, I guess, right?
- Definitely, yeah, but I want to make sure it stays that way,
So I was thinking maybe the cousins
could come over tonight for a little sleepover.
- Oh, my guys would love that. - Yeah, Camila too.
- Great. I'm going all out.
And I know I use the word epic a lot.
- You really do.
- I sent you that list
of synonyms for it.
- But tonight's sleepover can only be described as epic.
- Or top drawer.
Remember, it was, like, a fun British one?
- Perfect. I'll see you guys around six.
- Lupe!
There's a sleepover happening, which means scary stories,
so I need you to go to the hardware store
and buy a hook hand.
It's like a hook, but where your hand should be.
- That's sweet of Connor to do that for Gretchen.
I'll take the kids and stick around to help out.
- Yeah, I'm gonna go too, try to make up for this morning.
- Okay, but remember, you know,
he just wants a fun night for Gretchen,
so you shouldn't put a damper on it.
- What is that supposed to mean?
- Just, you know, sometimes you worry
and you can get in your head
and sort of be a...
Uh, what's the expression?
It's not a party pooper.
- I'm not a party pooper. - I said not a party pooper.
Wet blanket? Wet blanket.
- What are you talking about? I'm a fun guy.
I'm one of the top commenters
on "New York Times" crossword puzzle blog.
Will Shortz once referred to me as a "real character."
Hey, you and your cousins think I'm fun,
right, like, a fun uncle?
- Nah, Uncle Connor is the fun one.
He's always throwing us onto things or off of things.
- So let me get this right. He's got more money.
He's got a better house. And now he's the fun one?
No, no, that's it. I'm definitely going tonight.
I'm going to prove to you guys that I'm a fun uncle, a funcle.
[chuckles] Funcle, it's like fun uncle.
- Yeah, no, I got it. - It's gonna be great.
- [soft groaning]
- What? - What?
- You're doing the... [soft groaning]
- Oh, it's nothing.
- Okay.
- I just don't think that a party
is what Gretchen needs right now.
You know, as a child therapist, yes, currently unemployed,
but still, I really think that someone just needs
to talk to her about how she's feeling.
- You are so right, but this party
probably isn't the best place to do that,
and when I say probably,
please know that I mean definitely.
- I hear you, Lulu, I do. - Mm-hmm.
- But I got this.
- Okay. - Okay.
- All right.
[lips popping] - Okay.
Well, now you're doing your sigh, so...
- I just know how tonight's gonna go.
Despite my best efforts as an earth sign,
you and Connor are gonna get into an argument.
I'm gonna have to smooth things over.
Everyone's gonna thank me
and say I'm the best person in the family.
And thank god for me.
- Sounds like you turn out pretty well in that.
- I do. It's just so exhausting.
- I am well aware that tonight could be
an emotional minefield,
but I will not let things blow up.
- Okay. - Okay.
[upbeat music]
[children exclaim]
- Welcome. What up!
We've got Lupe over here on arts and crafts.
We got a pizza oven, we got karaoke,
and we got a bounce house!
- Dope!
- Wow!
So this is quite the production.
- Yeah, I know, right? Pretty awesome, huh?
- It is, isn't it? It is.
- It is awesome, yes.
Although, you know, a part of me wonders
if maybe isn't the absolute best way
to handle this situation.
You know, not that you're, like, ignoring
Gretchen's feelings, but not not that either.
- What are you talking about? This is all for her.
- Hey, baby. How are we doing?
- Great! This is gonna be so much fun!
- It's gonna be lit! - Look, Sarah,
I really appreciate you trying to sprinkle your concern
all over everything, but I got this under control.
- Okay. - Okay. It's gonna be great!
- Yes!
- It's worse than I thought.
- Whoo! Oh-oh!
This is gonna be so tight!
- Uh-oh. Here we go.
Bounce house in full effect.
Shamiah, you ready to get your bounce on?
- I guess.
- Noice! Very noice!
Kelvin, you having a killer time in there, bud?
- I don't know; I've only bounced, like, four times.
- Ha, ha! The Kelvinator!
Get some! What?
You crazy cousins.
Whoa. Okay.
Doing flips. That's sick!
But... I don't know, maybe is that a little dangerous?
Maybe make, like, a chill "no flip" rule, huh?
That'd be dope, right? Having fun, being safe.
Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and check and see
if they have an occupancy limit on this bad boy.
- Mommy, come in with us. - No, thanks.
Just got my beverage.
- Come on, Aunt Marina. - Bounce with us!
kids: Marina! Marina! Marina!
- Well, okay. Just for a minute.
[yelling and screaming]
- Hey, guys!
Should we get Tommy in here? Should we get crazy?
- Well, I don't know. I mean, does he even want to?
- I think he was saying something
about an occupancy thing.
- No, come on. Tom!
Come in here. Come on!
- No, I don't-- I don't think so.
- Tommy! Tommy! Tommy!
- No, I'm not gonna-- I don't know.
Do you guys want me to? Okay!
- Yes! - Here I go!
Whoo! - Whoa.
- Hey, Kelvin!
You want a bounce competition, see who can go the highest?
Whoa! Check out T-Dog!
- Easy there, T-Dog. - Jump, jump!
Miccity-Mac'll make ya... you know that song?
[popping sound] [children screaming]
- It popped! - He popped it.
- Okay, let's go. Come on, everybody.
Jump, jump, towards the exit.
- No, come on. This is even more fun!
It's like "Jackass." Do you guys remember that show?
Actually, guys, my foot's stuck.
Like--ow! Seriously.
My foot's, like, really stuck.
- I just don't see why anyone would settle
for human breath balloons
when we have the helium technology,
you know?
- Hey, Miss Gretchen. How are you?
- Good.
- Aww, great.
But you know how sometimes, people say "How are you,"
and it's more of a greeting, like "How are ya,"
and then, other times, it's the real question,
like, how are you?
This is one of those times. So how are you?
- Good. - Yeah?
'Cause, you know, it's okay
to have different feelings or emotions
with everything that's going on right now.
If you ever need someone to talk to--
- [helium voice] Hi, Gretchen. Hi!
- Aunt Sarah, you do it. - Aunt Sarah, you do it!
- Aunt Sarah will do it. Okay.
[helium voice] Okay. Now my voice is high too.
Okay. That's fun.
Now, Gretchen,
I don't want you to feel that your feelings need
to keep locked inside...
I know what you're doing.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Gimme, gimme, gimme.
Luke, I am your father.
- Dustin! Dustin! Dustin!
[yelling and cheering]
- Even the pizza guy is cool.
- Look, you don't want to have to tell kids you're fun.
They sense the desperation, you're dead in the water.
You want to let them realize it on their own.
- Is this, like, suddenly the fun expert?
- The children have spoken, Tom.
- Okay. - You want to toss some dough?
- Oh, uh...
Yeah, I guess I could give it a shot.
- Whoo! - Oh, okay.
- Whoa! - Oh!
Hey. - Whoa!
- Oh, look at that. He's a natural.
Oh, look out, Dustin. He's gonna take your job.
- Whoa.
D'oh!
Get it? Cause like Homer Simpson,
but also it's like dough.
- That's just a waste of food.
There are so many people in the world
who are food insecure.
- Right.
- Yeah, it's not really that funny
when you think about it, Daddy.
- Absolutely. Yeah, that's not funny at all.
- Who wants cookie dough pizza with candy toppings?
[yelling and screaming]
- You know what, Dustin? We get it, okay?
- I'm down to get my arts and crafts on.
You having an awesome time, kiddo?
- Hey, here's an idea.
What if everybody draws the same thing?
- Yeah, I'd rather just freestyle.
- No, no, wait, it'll be good. Like, what if everybody draws,
I don't know, say, family portraits, huh?
That's fun, right?
And then, if you want to express whatever emotion
you're feeling through your artwork,
then I say go for it.
- Or if you want to draw something else,
like spaceships or animals or carrots, that would be fine,
because it doesn't have to be related to family stuff.
- Or we just stick to the original idea
of families and feelings.
- Lulu. - Lulu.
[tense music]
- So are we doing families,
or could I draw, like, a bunch of ninjas?
- Families. Everybody do families...
not a family of ninjas.
Nope.
These are so great, guys.
Thank you. Thank you.
Kelvin, I see you drew me as the pushy boss of the family.
Love it. Excited to see yours, Gretchen.
Thank you.
Huh? Who are...who are these people?
- It's me and my mom and my dad.
Wait. Does a family portrait
not mean a portrait of a family?
- No, no, it does.
And this is beautiful, but is this how you...
how you see your family, all shiny and happy?
Is that how you're really feeling deep inside?
- Hey, Gretchen, why don't you go check on what Lupe's making?
All this drawing made me hungry.
- You're trying to psychoanalyze her, aren't you?
- No.
Psychoanalysis is actually
a very specific form of therapy,
and I employ a more humanistic form.
- Sarah, I just want today to be super fun for Gretchen.
- That's the problem.
You're not allowing her to express her true feelings.
- Oh, and you know what those are?
- No, but I want Gretchen to feel comfortable enough
to talk about them if she wants to.
- Talk about what?
- Nothing.
Aunt Sarah and I just want you to know
that it's okay to express
whatever you might be feeling about your mom and I.
- Like what?
- Well, it's different for everybody, sweetie.
You know, some kids-- they blame themselves,
and then other kids, they find that it's--
- Wait! The divorce is my fault?
- Oh, no! - No. No.
What Aunt Sarah means to say is that it's not your fault.
- Not your fault.
- But what Aunt Sarah probably should have said
is just nothing at all.
You know what this moment calls for?
A Jell-O fight.
- Connor? - Yeah!
- Connor, no!
Do not throw that! Connor!
Do not throw that at me! Connor!
Oh, my God!
- Hey. - Hi.
Gretchen seems to be okay.
Her and Connor had some floor Jell-OR,
and now they're setting up karaoke.
- You were right, as always.
- Lulu...
of course I was.
- I know that I should have waited
to reach out to Gretchen. I just...
I wanted to show myself
that I could still do this, you know, help kids,
but maybe that's why I got laid off.
- Hey, no. You were definitely right
about Gretchen needing help.
I mean, look at this family portrait.
It's all thunder clouds and scared, sad faces.
- Wait. That's not Gretchen's drawing.
That's Connor's.
Oh, my God, do you know what this means?
- That he has the fine motor skills of an eight-year-old?
- No. I mean, yes,
this looks like he drew it with his feet,
but it was Connor. That's why he got us all here.
He's the one who's crying out for help.
- Who's ready for karaoke? What! What!
- Did somebody said karaoke-- [yells]
- Be careful with the gelatin.
- So big deal, you're not the fun uncle.
You're un-fun-uncle-able.
- Look, when it was just fun Connor,
I mean, I was jealous, but, I mean, I got it.
He's sort of a big kid himself.
- Like he still pronounces it "libary"
and can't swallow pills.
- Yeah, but now I realize it's something
you all have that I'm missing.
- I think you're fun.
- Eh. - Okay.
So Connor's the funcle,
but you know what you are?
You're the sensible uncle.
Remember how you taught Shamiah how to use a water pick?
Or you stopped Kelvin from eating
those mushrooms he found in the yard?
- Gretchen did stop wandering off
when I showed her those kidnapping statistics.
- There you go, the sensible uncle.
["Low" playing]
- ♪ Shawty had them apple-bottom jeans ♪
♪ And them boots with the fur, with the fur ♪
♪ The whole club was looking at her ♪
- Connor?
- ♪ She hit the floor ♪
- Connor, this is important. I saw your drawing.
- ♪ Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low... ♪
♪ ♪
- Hey, Connor, can we just talk really quick, please?
Okay, just for one second.
- ♪ And gave that big booty a slap... ♪
- Okay. That was too much.
- Poor guy is really hurting.
He's singing him and Emily's song.
- Yeah.
That was a weird first wedding dance.
- I can't get him to stop singing, let alone talk to me.
If anyone can shut this party down, honey, it's you.
We need you to go and be the sensible uncle.
- Guys, don't worry.
This wet blanket
is about to drown this party.
- ♪ I'ma say that I love women exposed ♪
♪ She threw it back at me... ♪
- Hey, guys.
Guys, it's bedtime, okay?
You know what they say. It's not a sleepover
unless you go to sleep. So let's get on our PJs,
brush and floss our teeth,
and do a thorough fluoride rinse.
Camila, if your cousins didn't bring a fluoride rinse
with them, it's okay to share.
- No, my house, my rules,
and I say this party's just getting started.
[yelling and screaming]
♪ ♪
♪ Shawty had them apple-bottom jeans... ♪
- Okay, Connor is gonna keep avoiding you
unless Tom kills this party.
- ♪ The whole club was looking at her ♪
♪ She hit the floor... ♪
- You know, Connor? Connor?
If this party won't stop, you better pass me the mic.
[somber music playing]
- No.
- ♪ All around me are familiar faces ♪
♪ Worn out places, worn out faces ♪
♪ Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow ♪
♪ No tomorrow, no tomorrow ♪
- Yeah, baby!
You're making me consider my mortality.
Whoo!
- ♪ Dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had ♪
- Oh, great. First, Tom starts singing
one of his songs to murder a drifter to,
and now here comes Sarah with her "let's talk" face.
- This is just my face. - And you always want to talk.
- Okay.
I know that you're upset with me right now,
but I also know that you're just upset.
This whole epic sleepover-- it wasn't just to distract
Gretchen, was it?
- Sarah, no offense, but you're a kid's therapist.
Okay? I'm a grown man.
Thank you, Lupe, for this unexpected treat.
Sorry, Sarah, but I probably shouldn't talk
with my mouth full.
- It's okay. You've said enough,
because this guy, he's hurting,
no matter how much he sings and smiles
and pretends that everything's okay.
- It's just a drawing.
Not everyone you talk to is broken, okay?
I know you like to swoop in and save the day,
but I am fine.
- Good.
That's all I want for you. - Mm-hmm.
Your way is not the only way
to deal with something like this.
- I realize that,
but you do have to actually deal with it.
- I just wanted to draw ninjas.
- Yeah.
- Part of me figured Emily and I were gonna work it out.
You know, I kept thinking maybe there's a chance,
but last night, she told me she is already seeing
someone else, some guy named Alex.
And he sounds like a total douche, right?
- Yes, he does.
I'm sorry, Connor.
- So yeah, now I know it's really over.
Maybe it was Alec...Alex...Alec?
- They're both terrible names. - Yeah.
So yeah, this was all for me...
pizza, the karaoke,
the mariachi band. - Hmm?
- I got a mariachi band. They'll be here at eight.
- Okay.
- I didn't want Gretchen to know
how I'm actually feeling.
This whole thing's gonna be hard enough on her as it is.
I don't want her to worry about me too.
- You are such a good dad,
but it's okay to open up to her.
It might actually help.
- I know I like to make fun of you
for trying to get in our heads, but thank you.
Wanna pull up a spoon?
- Oh, no, that's okay. - Pull up a spoon.
- No. No, it's just that
Haagen-Dazs isn't a real Danish word,
so even though it's Eurocentric,
it's technically still cultural appropriation.
- Pull up a spoon. - Fine. Yeah, sure.
I'll do it.
I didn't ruin the moment, did I?
- So yeah, I'm sad,
a little scared.
How about you?
- Yeah, I was kind of pretending to be happy
because I didn't want to make you feel bad.
- Well, from now on, we should be honest with each other
about how we're feeling, okay?
- Okay.
- Wanna hug it out?
- Love you, Daddy.
- I love you too, baby.
Did you at least have some fun today?
- Yeah, it was so funny when the bounce house
deflated on Uncle Tommy. [chuckles]
- Right? "Help!
I can't get out, seriously!"
- "Oh, my foot's stuck. Help! Help!"
- He couldn't get his foot out. That was hilarious.
- Well, I'm glad they were able to bond over what was
admittedly a very dicey situation.
- We're lucky to have you, Tom, our little killjoy.
- Okay. Actually, I think we're going
with the word sensible, but thank you.
- Lulu, good job getting Connor to open up
after you were so worried about your ability to help.
Guess you didn't need me to smooth things over after all.
- You a little disappointed?
- A little. I'm really good at it.
- Yeah.
- ♪ Just the two of us ♪
♪ We can make it if we try ♪
♪ Just the two of us ♪
- ♪ Just the two of us ♪
both: ♪ Just the two of us building castles in the sky ♪
♪ Just the two of us ♪
♪ You and I ♪
- It takes all kinds to make up a family,
each playing his or her part.
You can be fun, be supportive, be sensible,
but mostly, you just have to be there.
both: ♪ Just the two of us ♪
♪ Building castles in the skies ♪
♪ Just the two of us you and I ♪
[cheers and applause]
- [laughs]
- ♪ I like myself knocking ♪ - ♪ Knocking ♪
- ♪ I love it when the girlies be like jocking ♪
- ♪ Jocking! ♪
- ♪ D-A-double D-Y-M-A-C ♪
♪ Yeah, you know me ♪
♪ You got me jumping and bumping and pumping ♪
♪ Moving all around, G ♪
- ♪ Jump! Jump! ♪
- ♪ The Mac Dad'll make you ♪
- ♪ Jump! Jump! ♪
- ♪ The Miccity Mac'll make you ♪
- ♪ Jump! Jump! ♪
- Tom is actually being kind of fun.
- It's cause he stopped caring so much.
- How many beers has he had?
- One and a half.
He's gonna be hungover for three days.
- ♪ Jump! Jump! Uncle Tommy will make you ♪
- ♪ Jump! Jump! ♪
- I did it! I'm a funcle!
[yelling and screaming]