* *
HALIIAN WOMAN: Ah. What an impressive collection.
Oh, it cost a fortune or two.
Luckily, I have several to go around.
-I'm rich, is what I'm saying. -Wait, is that
a Veltan lust idol?
-(gasps) -Oh, you have a keen eye.
My most valuable piece.
Had to slash the wages of everyone in my latinum mines
to afford this little guy.
You know, they say the mere sight of it is an aphrodisiac.
-Oh. (chuckles) -SECURITY GUARD: Captain.
Incoming Orion ship.
Merchant vessel,
power down your shields or be put to the sword.
Ugh. Crawl back to whatever slime dungeon
you were born in, Orion.
(gasps) I would rather die
than return to my childhood dungeon. Fire!
(screams) They'll kill us all.
Ah. Nonsense.
My defenses are top-of-the-line.
They'll never get past the barriers.
I can control the entire ship from this room.
Wow, that's the first interesting thing
you've said all day.
-(bones crunch) -(screams)
L'Kar, defenses are down. Beam... aah!
(all grunting)
What is this? Who the hell are you?
I'm the Mistress of the Winter Constellations.
(gasps) Wait, am I supposed to know what that is?
(screams)
(yelling)
-(laughs) -(gasps)
(panting)
-(screams) -L'KAR: I told you
what would happen if you didn't surrender.
TENDI: Whoa, whoa. Stop.
What are you doing?
Oh, I thought this time we'd kill some of these guys.
Do the whole "leave one alive to spread fear" thing?
Right, but think about how much fear we'll spread
if we keep them all alive.
Well, can I at least chop off an ear or a finger or something?
No. Now load up the loot and let's get out of here.
-(groans) -(Yorif grunting)
-Astrid! -Aw, come on.
I've always wanted one of these.
-Please? -(sighs) Fine.
YORIF: Aah, no!
It's prescription!
* *
*
* *
MARINER: Almost got it.
-Steady... -It's here, it's here,
it's here, it's here, it's here, it's here, it's here.
My issue of Fleet is out.
I'm in the "30 Under 30" feature.
Oh, man, I hope my photo's okay.
Sometimes my nostrils look aggressively flared.
Starfleet publishes a periodical?
Yeah, they interviewed Boimler after he captained the Cerritos,
and now he's peeing his pants about it.
I'm not in here. They cut me out.
Look, I am sure you were the 31st under 30.
There's 15 honorable mentions.
One of them went to Naomi Wildman.
She's like ten years old. (groans)
Let's face it. I plateaued.
Oh, I feel you, Boims. I... (sighs)
Ransom just assigned me a new batch of ensigns,
which seems like a bad idea.
I am not a helpful person.
I'm sure these ensigns will respect
that you "tell it like it is."
Aw, thanks, T'Lyn, but I'm still trying
to not get thrown in the brig all the time.
How am I supposed to be, like, a leader?
-You'll be great! -(screams)
Oh, geez, Rutherford.
Where did you come from, buddy?
(chuckles) I've been here the whole time.
Just quietly lurking on some work in that dark corner.
Hey, man, you've been working yourself to the bone
since Tendi left.
-How about a break? -Nah.
I like the way work makes it hard for my brain
to focus on the sad stuff.
Maybe we could all use a little hang time.
You want to go stare at the warp stars?
FREEMAN: Lieutenants, report to the bridge.
We're arriving at our destination.
Woo-hoo! More work!
MARINER: All right,
party people, what's the mish?
Oh, man. Another quantum fissure?
This-this is like the third one this month.
Boo, interdimensional portal.
They have been appearing
with statistically abnormal regularity.
Someone has to close the space-time potholes,
or who knows what kind of parallel universe stuff
could drift into our dimension?
How are the tachyon levels?
Below the reaction threshold. Warp core will be fine.
Wow. Alternate dimensions.
Imagine meeting, like, a bunch of weirdos
with, like, feet for hands or feet for eyes
or, you know, something
-more creative than that. -(beeping)
Captain, the fissure's losing integrity.
FREEMAN: Red alert!
-Get us out of here. -We're caught
-in the gravitational wake. -All crew, brace for impact.
RANSOM: We're dunking into the rift like a big old cookie.
Damage report?
All clear, Captain.
Looks like that was more of a light show than anything else.
We were lucky, but let's not push it.
-Set a return course through the... -Captain,
-we're being hailed. -Hailed?
-By who? -It's...
It's the Cerritos.
* *
Oh... (sighs) Stupid dimensional rifts.
On screen.
What up, Cerritos?
This is Captain Becky Freeman.
Looks like we have a lot to discuss.
ORIONS: * We love to kill and we love to maim *
* And ripping out hearts is our favorite game... *
(sighs) Hello, D'Erika.
Hey, sis. Just saw the inventory from your latest haul.
Very impressive.
Impressive enough to pay off my debt
and let me return to Starfleet?
I gave you an entire warship.
A few lust idols aren't gonna cut it.
Come on, I've been at this for months.
My crew won't stop trying to stab everything.
Oh, I get it, you miss debating the ethics of goop
with your Starfleet nerds. (scoffs)
Well, guess what. I have a way for you to pay me back--
one warship for another.
Is that Orion?
Yep, from the time of the Great Plague over 300 years ago.
Bought the location from a rogue archaeologist,
and nobody else knows it exists.
It'll be a huge symbolic victory for our house.
So, to be clear, if I retrieve this thing, we're even?
I can go back to the Cerritos?
That's the deal.
All right, D'Erika. I'll get you your ship.
FREEMAN: Captain's log, supplemental.
The Cerritos is stranded in a parallel reality.
Until we can determine a way home, we are stuck here
with uncanny alternate versions of ourselves.
-(T'anas snarl, hiss) -(grunts) You've got great form.
I learned it from strangling Cardassians.
(gasps) I did, too.
T'LYN: According to scans,
the quantum signatures of the parallel crews
exhibit a mere .327% variance.
I concur. It would appear our respective universes
are only negligibly divergent.
-Remarkable. -Fascinating.
Hmm. You say "remarkable," while I say "fascinating."
-Remarkable. -Fascinating.
It's almost like we represent each other's lives
if we'd made slightly dissimilar choices or something.
I wonder what we'll find out is different about the two of us.
I don't know. We seem pretty similar to me.
Oh, man, I can't wait till you teach me
how you got all these sweet mods.
My augmentations are not "sweet."
They allow me to perform at peak efficiency.
(laughs) Sweet.
-Captain on deck. -At ease.
We have good news. We found a way
to send the other Cerritos home.
Even though our Cerritos closed the quantum fissure,
space-time is still turbulent.
King Billups is right. A directed energy surge
should briefly reopen the fissure and allow us
-to return to the prime universe. -Hey!
This is the prime universe.
We'll need to design an infrastructure
to transfer energy between all four nacelles.
Then we'll fire the pulse, giving the fake Cerritos
the chance to return home.
RANSOM: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
-Fake Cerritos? -(Becky grunts)
We don't have time to argue about whose universe
is original and which one is clearly freakish.
We only have ten hours until the fissure seals permanently.
Well, with twice as many of us, we should be able
to get this done in half the time.
Everyone, pair up with your own counterpart.
Hmm. Speaking of which, uh, where am I?
Let's just say it's really nice to see you again.
-What? -Okay. Check your PADDs for your assignments.
Dismissed.
KAYSHON 2: Temba. When he met himself.
(overlapping chatter)
Hey, uh, Becky? Ugh, how do you go by that?
Just, I mean, just saying it once aged me 15 years.
I guess what I should have done is hide behind my middle name
to distance myself from my mother...
(chuckles) Mariner.
(chuckles) Okay, yeah, respect.
Uh, you know, I've actually been having a tough time
with the whole "becoming a leader" thing.
Seeing myself as a captain is wild.
It wasn't easy to get here.
But, hey, stick with me today. Maybe you'll pick up some tips.
Oh, tips. (chuckles sarcastically)
Teach me your ways, oh, master. (groans)
But seriously, thank you.
I-I do, I really appreciate it, yeah.
(animals chittering)
(gasps)
Just think of what we could pillage with a ship this size.
A starbase. A moon. Every moon?
Oh! No, Kita, don't get greedy.
We'll be the most fearsome pirates
in the entire quadr-- aah!
Huh. Regenerative auxiliary power systems?
Incredible.
It looks like the bridge is... there.
-Let's get going. -What's the rush?
We have this whole spooky place to ourselves.
Let's nose around a bit.
(gasps)
Green Orions?
Blue Orions?
Okay, nobody pull their disruptors.
Aah!
Goddess damn it, this is why I said, "Nobody pull disruptors"!
Ooh, feels good to be piloting a shuttle again.
I usually don't have time,
with all the away missions I'm on with the bridge crew.
Oh, I wish I had that confidence.
When I wink at people, they think I'm having a seizure.
(grunts)
Wait! You're not wearing a suit!
I upgraded my internal cybernetics
so that I can withstand the vacuum.
You got rid of all your guts and goo?
Now that's commitment.
I'm gonna hang back, in case the cap needs me to take over.
(gasps) She lets you take over the big chair?
Yeah. Sure, I mean, she's busy
and she knows she can count on me.
It's not a big deal, I mean, I'm sure you do it all the time.
Once! And only in like,
like an extremely crazy circumstance.
And I'm sure you nailed it. Us Bradwards,
-we were born to be captains. -RUTHERFORD: Wow,
you're a real engineering machine.
Tendi's gonna think this is so cool.
Who is Tendi?
What? You don't have a Tendi here?
We did, but she left Starfleet to be a full-time pirate.
(quietly): Rutherford was so upset,
he wiped her from his memory banks.
(sighs) Then there's no choice.
-I'll have to be Otherford's Tendi! -Otherford?
Ha, yeah, that's what I've been calling him.
Cute, right?
Buddy, that's adorable.
So, Boimler's stuck in the thing's mouth,
totally naked and covered in slime,
and then he shouts...
BOTH: "My bones!" (laughing)
Yes. Oh, man, that is exactly how it went down for us, too.
(sighs) I'd say I miss those days, but I don't.
I used to be a real loose cannon.
Uh, yeah, but like a badass loose cannon.
-(grunts) -Hey! What the hell?
-Whoa, why's everybody on edge? -Because I keep them on edge.
A captain has to maintain discipline above all else.
-Ensign, back straight! -(ensign gasps)
Stop slouching.
ENSIGN: Yes, Captain.
Eh, fear is the best motivator.
(clamoring)
Load the crates left to right.
It's more efficient to load them
-back to front, dummy. -(growls)
(attention whistle)
What in the Kzinti (bleep) is going on in here?
There's no interpersonal conflict allowed on my ship.
-Sorry, ma'am. -We know, ma'am.
-Brig this brownnoser now! -(snaps fingers)
(gasps)
* *
-(all grunting) -Dang it!
Blue Orions, what are you patriarchal doofuses doing here?
Shut up, Green. This is our ship.
We bought its coordinates.
Stupid rogue archaeologist with no ethical code.
We don't have to fight. We can work something out!
Working with Greens? I'd rather die a thousand times.
-How about just once? -Aah!
(gasps)
(groans)
The green demon killed K'Levin! Fall back!
-Let's finish them off! -No. We're not here for them.
Captain's right.
We need to beat them to the bridge.
I'll be right there.
Just want to make sure this guy is extra dead.
Don't move. You're gonna be okay.
(gasping)
Healed? What is this trickery?!
All right, Captain Marin-- um, Freeman,
we're prepared to test out the pulse.
Commander Ransom, initiate energy transfer.
BOTH: Aye aye, Captain.
Hey! I'm supposed to press the button, you sexy bastard.
This is my universe, you steamy hunk!
FREEMAN: Ransoms, please.
This is my ship. My Ransom presses the button.
I'm sorry.
Tensions between the doubles are higher than expected.
(chuckles) Eat it, handsome.
Energy transfer initialized.
Output levels are optimal.
Our deflectors are now linked with the bad Cerritos.
How dare you? Your highness.
Would you two knock it off?
On my mark, target the rift.
Mark.
* *
-(alarm blares) -BILLUPS: Dragon's blood!
One of our calculations must've been off.
Let me guess, math is .327% harder in your universe.
Well, maybe we should contact my counterpart
and see if she has any ideas.
I mean, what did happen to her, by the way?
-Can we talk...? -(Kayshon gasps)
(groans)
Gramble, his throat slit by his mistress.
-What? Kadir beneath Mo Moteh. -(gasps)
(both grunting)
-Remarkable. -Fascinating.
Enough!
I have had it.
-(gasps) -(grunts)
What the hell? You can't hit people.
They can be your crew or your friends.
Weird, 'cause I don't hit either one.
Your Tamarian started the fight. Take him to the brig.
-How about I (bleep)ing don't? -BECKY: Then how about
I toss your whole crew in the brig?
She'll do it. Our Cerritos is mostly brigs.
Kailash, when it rises.
(Mariner growls)
Show's over. Get back to work.
(gasps) Hey, I have an idea.
Let's do this together, like identical science besties.
Don't worry, Rutherford.
Everyone in this universe is a little off.
Except the me guy. He rules.
I know. It's just... (sighs)
when I look at Otherford,
I see what I could become without Tendi.
And I don't want that. No matter how awesome he is.
I mean, look at him.
He's got a third arm that pops out of his chest!
With all that crap he's got attached,
that guy's uncomfortably close to being a Borg.
Wait. That's it!
What are you doing?
Just making a small adjustment to your friendship matrix.
I am not here to make friends.
-There. -I am here to make friends.
Heck yeah.
-(laughs) -Aw, look at them go.
Heads up, Boimler Buddy. (grunts)
-Well, scans look good up there. -Real quick,
can you run me through every decision you ever made?
Hey, you've got your own path. Just have to trust yourself.
-That's what I did. -(PADD chimes)
Oh, looks like we've got a .08 variance in the stabilizers.
I'm on it.
(grunts)
(humming)
(animals chittering)
Okay, we're almost to the bridge.
-(gasps) -Thanks for this. -ASTRID: Hey!
-Stop! -(laughs) -He's got the map!
-L'KAR: Get him. -(panting)
-(laughing) -Oh, damn it.
-We were so close. -You know what's weird?
-I killed that guy. -I don't know.
Maybe you missed his vital organs.
Yeah, right. I'm a very accurate stabber.
As you're about to find out, traitor.
Whew!
No sign of Captain (bleep)head, I see.
God, how can anyone put up with her?
Are you talking trash with such familiarity
because you are under the impression
that I am from your dimension?
Ew, I-I had you guys flipped. Sorry, that's on me.
Hail the Cerritos.
Captain Freeman.
My Billups has resolved the issue.
Well, we're ready to go, too.
Fantastic.
Then let's toss you back where you belong, shall we?
(clears throat) Alternate Cerritos,
it has not been a pleasure.
I want you off my ship and out of my dimension immediately.
Mariner, a word.
All right, what do you want?
What, you gonna hit me with your little riding crop
a couple times for the road?
-Yeah, kinda. -No, no, no.
I was kidding... (groans)
Wait, what did you do to my hair?
Oh, my God, are you replacing me?
Oh, God, do you know how hacky that is?
Yes, and I don't care.
How do I look?
Cute, which sucks.
(grunts)
What's your problem? We're better than this.
Exactly. Meeting you just reminded me
of how good I used to have it.
I tried to clean up my act, but over time
it just turned me into everything I hate.
I want to go back to being a loose cannon
who tells her superiors to (bleep) off again.
You don't have to swap with me to do that.
You could just, uh, be normal about it.
I don't know why you're so upset.
You're about to be a captain.
You think you know how to do it right,
-now's your chance. -I don't want to be captain!
Well, tough. And you're welcome.
Don't you give me that sarcastic Vulcan salute.
Beckett!
Huh, so that's how that feels.
(grunts)
L'KAR: Sorry, Mistress, but we can't let you get away
with breaking pirate code.
Okay, fine, I did heal that Orion,
but I am not a traitor.
(grunting)
I have my own code:
that we can pirate without killing anyone.
(knife clangs)
But then how are we ever going to stop being pirates?
Wh-- What do you mean?
You're the Mistress of the Winter Constellations.
You were such a pirate badass
that your family let you leave to follow your passions.
Yeah, we want to kick as much ass as you
so we can follow our dreams.
-I want to bake. -I want to dance.
And I want to teach ethics at Orion University.
But not, like, early classes. More like an evening seminar.
Maybe once or twice a week.
Wow. But I didn't get to leave
because I was a good pirate.
I left on my own because I didn't want to hurt anyone.
(sighs) Wish we could do that.
I promise to help you all follow your dreams.
But I need you to do me a favor, too.
Stop with all the killing.
Happily. Cleaning dry blood off my blade
is kind of an ordeal anyway.
Maybe we can distract our enemies
-with the powers of dance. -(whirring)
TENDI: Wow.
Holy smokes, look at these monitors.
This isn't a warship, it's a medical frigate.
Do we even have medical vessels?
In the old days they did.
This must've been one of the ships
they used to cure the Great Plague.
If I'm reading these right,
it has advanced ventilation systems.
Ah, of course. They'd need to rapidly clean the air.
Well, Otherford, you've shown me how dark my life could be
without Tendi around, and also that it's possible
for a guy covered in gizmos to live in the vacuum of space.
(chuckles) I'll miss you, pal.
Wait, don't...
Go ahead. Erase the memory of me.
I am saving it.
Perhaps I have been too hasty in replacing my humanity.
It is time to make some memories.
Aw, buddy. (chuckles)
-(chuckles) -Whoa!
H-Hey, wait up, party people.
Oh, you weren't going to abandon your old friendamundo, were you?
"Friendamundo"?
(stammers) Some-Something new I'm trying.
I love it!
ALT RANSOM: All present and accounted for.
Firing pulse.
(cheering)
Have a safe journey, Captain. It was good to see you.
Don't make too many mistakes or you'll end up
at Starbase 80 just like our Captain Freeman.
What? That's the worst station in Starfleet.
(Mariner grunting)
Wait. Computer, release binds.
Authorization: Captain Becky Freeman.
COMPUTER: Acknowledged, Captain Freeman.
Ugh. Never get used to that.
(gasps)
Captain on the bridge!
Wait, where's the other Cerritos?
They're about to pass through the fissure, Captain.
MARINER: Hail them.
(console beeping)
-No response, Captain. -Damn it.
Um, uh... Oh, man, uh...
Mr. Shaxs, target the engines on that Cerritos
and open fire-- but don't-don't, like, hurt anyone.
-Captain? -Oh, come on!
You love opening fire!
BLUE ORION: When we take this ship,
finally no one will scoff at the Blue Orions!
Yeah, they will fear and respect us
instead of saying we look stupid in our ridiculous uniforms.
(laughter)
Why is this so funny? It shouldn't be.
(laughing): I like how we dress.
TENDI: The gas worked.
Take 'em down, girls.
(laughs, grunts)
(all grunting)
(laughing): I'm gonna kill you!
L'KAR: This is the best!
I love not killing people!
Whoo! (laughs)
-I'm gonna get you! -(grunts)
Oh! (laughs)
TENDI (laughing): Okay, okay, these breathers
are definitely not keeping the gas out.
(all laughing)
SHAXS: I don't understand.
I thought you wanted them out of our dimension.
Well, not anymore.
I am your harsh and brutal captain.
And you'll all be in the brig unless you stop that ship.
But they're already almost gone,
there's nothing we can do.
Ugh! I know this is weird,
but I really need you guys to back me up, please.
You never say please.
Yeah, you said social pleasantries
are a sign of being a little (bleep).
-You're not the captain! -No, I'm not.
She did a classic switcheroo
and took my place on my Cerritos.
I know you all respond to being screamed at all the time,
but that is not my style.
I just want to get home.
Nobody deserves to be swapped out against their will.
You heard the captain.
-Mr. Shaxs? -Locking phasers.
Uh, did they just gently phaser my ship?
Get me that captain.
Whoops, I-I hailed them, but there's no response.
I think that captain's lost her mind.
She really sucks, right, Mother?
-Mother? -(beeping)
No, you can't make me go back.
I want to stay here and be charmingly insubordinate.
Oh, you alternate reality people are real pieces of work.
Mom, it's me, it's me,
the real Mariner, I can prove it!
Last week you asked me to look at a weird mole on your...
I-I already know it's you.
Mr. Lundy, swap these two Mariners immediately.
Mother, don't. I order you to let...
Mom!
...let me stay.
(chuckles) I've been wanting to say this for a long time.
You're going to the brig, Captain.
Ah, (bleep).
Hey, at least now you're a cool rogue again.
Oh, Boimler, you're acting captain.
On it.
Damn, he's good.
(rumbling)
(whooping, cheering)
(laughter)
*
(groans) Starbase 80?
How?
He made the freaking cover?
-Where'd you get that thing? -I don't know! Nothing!
All right, whatever, weirdo. Ruthie!
I thought you'd be going to town un-modifying the nacelles.
Nah, figured I'd take some time to actually see my friends.
Happy to have you back, pal.
-(door whooshes open) -Oh...
Those are the new ensigns I'm supposed to be advising.
-Hey, you're gonna be a great mentor. -Maybe.
But I know I'm not gonna cover up my insecurity
by becoming a screaming despot.
I'll just-- I'll just be the kind of commander
I wish I had had.
-Remarkable. -(gasps)
Wait, are you...?
I have fooled you.
-Oh! -(laughter)
-Okay, all right. -You got us.
MARINER: All right, that was good, that was good, yeah.
D'ERIKA: This is a huge victory for us.
Ooh, you really crushed it, D'Vana.
I guess this means you'll be returning to Starfleet now?
Yeah, but, hey, keep an eye on this crew.
There's more to them than just a bunch of pillaging.
Mistress D'Erika! Mistress D'Erika!
The Blue Orions have declared war!
What? Why?
They claim the Mistress used "un-pirate-like conduct"
to claim the ship. Something about laughing gas?
But I used Orion technology.
Don't worry, D'Vana. Your debt is paid.
You're free to go.
No. This is my mess.
I'm gonna stay and clean it up.
All right.
If it's a war they want, they can have it.
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
(man imitates weapons firing)
Chirp.