1 00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:35,440 There's no room! 2 00:00:35,480 --> 00:00:37,080 Dad! Dad! 3 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,480 Dad! There's no room! 4 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:40,880 No, no, no. No. Fuck, Dad, please? 5 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:43,320 I told you, there's no room. Fuck! 6 00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:45,360 I told you. Find someplace else. 7 00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:46,640 Fuck! 8 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:02,000 HE GASPS Fuck...! 9 00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:12,920 What do you think? 10 00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:14,880 I'd have used flame‐throwers. 11 00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:16,720 What do you...? Wh‐What? 12 00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:19,120 Flame‐throwers, against the zombies. No. 13 00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:20,600 I didn't say... Or... 14 00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:25,320 Or a crossbow with flaming arrows from an elevated position 15 00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:27,640 and you just pick them off one by one. 16 00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:30,280 I didn't say zombies, did I? They sound like zombies. 17 00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:33,440 I didn't say zombies. I said they're like normal‐looking people. 18 00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:35,880 Yeah, but what if the zombies have developed the ability 19 00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:38,200 to disguise themselves as normal people? 20 00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:40,920 It's like three times, I've told you now that they're not zombies 21 00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:42,560 and it's just not sinking in. 22 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:44,360 They were normal‐looking people. 23 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:46,560 And the reason I'm having these fucked‐up dreams, 24 00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:48,720 it's cos of all them pills you've put me on. 25 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:51,040 If you pick me up and shook me, I'd sound I'm like a maraca. 26 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:54,600 You can point your finger at the meds for your sleep distribution, 27 00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:56,880 but the content of your dreams, 28 00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:59,120 that's between you and your subconscious. 29 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:02,320 And there's environmental considerations. 30 00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:03,680 Well, like what? 31 00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:06,720 Like living alone in the big, dark woods smoking fat blunts 32 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:09,400 and watching serial killer documentaries till you fall asleep. 33 00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:12,360 I find 'em fucking fascinating. 34 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:15,040 Soothing. 35 00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:18,440 Look, why don't you try a change of scene? 36 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:23,280 Go and stay somewhere else, see if that has any effect on your dreams. 37 00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:25,720 Or, failing that, buy yourself a flame‐thrower. 38 00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:28,200 For fuck's sake...! 39 00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:30,240 Do you want to see something horrible? 40 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:32,000 Yeah, go on. 41 00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:34,520 I had this patient in today. Have you seen the Elephant Man? 42 00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:37,280 Yeah, I've seen the Elephant Man, yeah. John Merrick. 43 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:40,360 Makes John Merrick look like Linda Lusardi. Watch this. 44 00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:43,480 Oh, fuck! HE CHORTLES 45 00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:46,400 Wait till I zoom in. I couldn't do anything with it. 46 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:47,880 I went through three knives! 47 00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:49,320 THEY LAUGH 48 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:52,040 I shouldn't show it to you. Oh, I hate myself. 49 00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:54,880 Jim's got a spare room. Yeah, but it's... 50 00:02:54,920 --> 00:02:57,400 But it's a racist room. Do you know what I mean? 51 00:02:57,440 --> 00:03:00,200 I can't be staying in a racist room, it's gonna make me feel worse. 52 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:02,640 Stay at mine, if you like. I not staying at yours. 53 00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:04,000 Dude, fuck... Sorry. 54 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:05,640 Why would I stay at yours? You've got... 55 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:07,120 I'm sorry. Come on. 56 00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:09,160 You've got a llama, there's fucking Carol. 57 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:11,120 I just... I need my own space. 58 00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:13,280 You don't like sharing a toilet is more like it. 59 00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:16,440 No, I don't like sharing a toilet, Dylan, because I'm a shy... 60 00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:19,360 I'm... I'm a shy poo‐er and I don't like the idea 61 00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,560 that someone could just fucking blaze on in on me, mid‐squit. 62 00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:24,360 Why don't you stop here tonight? 63 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:26,880 Kath and Sandra are off to see Tinsley in Rhyl. 64 00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:28,840 You'd have the whole pub to yourself. Yeah? 65 00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:31,160 Kath's room. The decor is a bit niche, 66 00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:33,200 but she has a lovely, comfy bed. 67 00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:34,920 Ashley, where the fuck is everyone? 68 00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,920 I've got the pub to myself here and everyone has deserted me. 69 00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:40,080 I'm with Tommo, helping him out with something. 70 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,800 Oh, yeah? What's the big mystery? 71 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:44,400 Er, nothing, no, no. It's, er, just this thing. 72 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:46,120 What thing? 73 00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:48,560 I borrowed 50 quid off him last week 74 00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:51,400 and now he's got me paying it back, doing a bunch of... 75 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:53,840 .."entertaining" for these old girls. 76 00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:55,600 Ha, ha! You're joking? 77 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:57,520 I wish I was. 78 00:03:57,560 --> 00:03:59,640 Right! Chop‐chop. Show time! 79 00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:01,400 I have to go, Vin. No worries. 80 00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:03,240 Now then, I want you to get out there... 81 00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:06,800 ..and give those lovely ladies a fucking night to remember. 82 00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:09,480 Here you are, do summat sexy with it. 83 00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:13,760 He loves it, really. 84 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:15,520 Ah, that's it. 85 00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:18,240 Go on, get in! WOMEN SCREAM 86 00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:20,160 Gina will be in first thing to clean. 87 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:22,000 I'll be in from ten to open up. 88 00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:23,160 Right. 89 00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:27,480 Goodnight, love. Night, love. 90 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:32,760 DOOR CREAKS OPEN 91 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:34,600 DOOR CLOSES 92 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:54,320 Hm... 93 00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:58,120 TV: What the neighbours didn't realise was that Robinson had, 94 00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:00,520 in fact, killed his mother several years earlier 95 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:03,840 and slept alongside her mummified remains in her bed. 96 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:07,120 During a search of the property, the police uncovered the remains 97 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:09,640 of 12 bodies that had been dismembered, 98 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:12,280 as well as a trophy wall featuring framed photographs 99 00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:14,400 of each of his victims... 100 00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:22,480 TV: ..the victims throughout their own homes in the dead of night. 101 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:26,080 VINNIE: It's like a self‐perpetuating nightmare. 102 00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:28,360 My fucking subconscious is out to get me or summat. 103 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:29,840 Hm? Fuck me... 104 00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:31,800 Dyldo, are you listening, you? No, I am. 105 00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:33,680 All right, what did I just say then? 106 00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:36,160 You were going on about zombies or something. 107 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:37,560 I didn't say zombies. 108 00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:40,360 I never mentioned zombies. Nobody listens to me! 109 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:43,240 Dude, I'm baked man. You know? What do you want me to say? 110 00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:45,600 I don't fucking know what I want you to say. 111 00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:47,800 I've just told you I've just had a brutal dream 112 00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:50,200 about a group of sinister fucking... 113 00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:51,840 ..joggers. 114 00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:53,520 Wow. 115 00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:55,080 Fuck off! 116 00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:57,120 Dude, it wasn't real, was it? 117 00:05:57,160 --> 00:06:00,360 If it were real, then I'd be more engaged. But it wasn't, so I'm not. 118 00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:03,080 Oh, lah‐di‐dah! 119 00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:04,720 Fucking Dylan. 120 00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:06,360 Jesus Christ, forgive me. 121 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:10,080 Forgive me for not having a more engaging zombie dream. 122 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:12,600 Dylan, the police are downstairs! What? 123 00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:15,080 The police are downstairs! Fuck. Vin, I've got to go. 124 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:17,040 They want to talk to you. What? What do they want? 125 00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:19,760 Did they say what it was about? No, but they don't look happy. 126 00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:22,840 Shit, shit, shit, shit. I'm too high for this. Oh, Jesus Christ! 127 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:24,680 Dylan? Er... Er... 128 00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:26,720 Dylan? What? What? 129 00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:30,200 Your face was priceless! 130 00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:33,680 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Are the police here? 131 00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:35,720 No. It's, erm... It's my parents. 132 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:38,080 Oh. They've come back with some friends. 133 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:39,720 HE EXHALES HEAVILY 134 00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:41,800 Come down and say hi. 135 00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:45,160 Oh, everyone, this is my friend Dylan. 136 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:46,440 Hello, Dylan. Hi. 137 00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:48,000 Hi, Dylan. Hi, Dylan. 138 00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:51,720 Thanks... 139 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:53,480 ..for, er... 140 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:55,000 ..well, for coming. 141 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:58,200 So, where do you come from, Dylan? 142 00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:00,040 Er, upstairs. 143 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:01,800 In Sara's bedroom. 144 00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:05,240 No, no. Not doing anything. Just, I was... 145 00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:07,640 I was just watching her get changed. 146 00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:09,560 While she got changed. 147 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:11,600 I was looking right out of the window 148 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,760 for the duration of her being... 149 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:16,520 ..naked. 150 00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:22,480 Oh, sorry, sorry. 151 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:24,120 Oh... 152 00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:26,640 It's on silent. Erm... I probably should get this. 153 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:28,200 Hello. Yeah. 154 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,960 Damn. Right, OK. 155 00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:33,320 Well, I... Yeah, I guess, if it is an emergency, then... 156 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:36,040 PHONE PLAYS JANGLY RINGTONE 157 00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:37,480 Like, my friend has... 158 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:39,960 He's changed this as a joke and I don't know how to... 159 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,000 JANGLY RINGTONE CONTINUES Huh! 160 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:45,240 VINNIE: Dyl, you just get it. Hey, mate. Yeah. 161 00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:47,760 You hung up on a brother! Yeah, dude, man. 162 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:52,080 You'll never guess, right, there has just been some crossed‐line thing. 163 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:54,880 It wasn't ringing then. And then it did just now. 164 00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:56,280 So, all right, then, yeah. 165 00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:58,720 Dylan! Motherfucker! HE ENDS THE CALL 166 00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:00,680 So, erm... 167 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:02,600 Sara was telling me that... 168 00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:05,120 ..that this house was... was built in... 169 00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:07,400 ..1947. 170 00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:10,880 If I was ever designing a house like this, I would probably... 171 00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:14,200 ..I'd probably take pictures of this and copy it, you know. 172 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:19,400 PHONE RINGS 173 00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:22,400 TV: ..after the shocking discovery that neighbours later recalled 174 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:25,080 having heard strange, dull, thudding sounds 175 00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:27,120 emanating from the property... 176 00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:28,960 HE URINATES 177 00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:32,040 THUD, HE STOPS URINATING 178 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:33,880 TWO TAPS 179 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:35,920 HE RESUMES URINATING 180 00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:40,520 THUDS 181 00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:42,560 HE CONTINUES URINATING 182 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:45,640 URINE DRIBBLES ON THE CARPET 183 00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:47,680 Oh, shit... 184 00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:49,720 HIS FOOTSTEPS ECHO 185 00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:51,680 THUDS 186 00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:53,840 METALLIC CLATTERING Fuck! 187 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:55,880 LINE RINGS 188 00:08:58,320 --> 00:08:59,720 Fuck! 189 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:02,680 LINE CONTINUES TO RING 190 00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:04,000 Come on... 191 00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:06,040 I have to say, Cardi, I'm very impressed. 192 00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:08,240 Oh, do you like it? Oh, it's perfect. 193 00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:11,400 You've gone to so much trouble, like. Well, you're worth it. 194 00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:13,920 I watched a video online which showed you how to... 195 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:16,000 ..d‐d‐de‐beard a mussel. 196 00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:17,320 Oh? You just... 197 00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:19,880 You take hold of its beard and tug it, firmly. 198 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:23,200 Oh, is that right? You have to take charge of it, do you? 199 00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:25,240 Be firm and dominate it. 200 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:28,200 Mm. Pull its hair and... show it who's the boss. 201 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:32,240 PHONE PLAYS JANGLY RINGTONE 202 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:33,600 Ignore it. 203 00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:35,520 It's Vinnie. How did he...? 204 00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:38,240 Turn the sound down, at least. HE SILENCES THE PHONE 205 00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:40,760 You were telling me how you used a firm hand. 206 00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:43,760 Oh, yeah. It took us ages to find the shallots, right? 207 00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:45,960 Cos I didn't know what they were. 208 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:49,600 But it turns out they're just like l‐l‐little onions. 209 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,680 And the, erm... 210 00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:53,920 ..the mussels, I just got off John. 211 00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:55,400 John? 212 00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:59,040 You're talking about John the Nose? That's right. 213 00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:02,800 He tried to sell me, like, a bag of mussels there, 214 00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:04,520 like, over a week ago. 215 00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:06,920 Yeah. That's right. Luckily, he still had 'em. 216 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:10,080 The ones that were on the dash of his Transit van in a carrier bag? 217 00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:11,800 That's the ones, yeah. 218 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:14,880 SHE GASPS 219 00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:16,560 Jesus, Cardi! 220 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:18,960 They're fecking off, you mad bastard. 221 00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:22,240 You can't be eating shellfish that's been in a carrier bag 222 00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:24,480 sat on the dash of a Transit van for a week! 223 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:26,520 I knew it! I knew they were off. Ah... 224 00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:29,440 That'll be why they didn't open. I had to use pliers. 225 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:31,600 Oh, fucking Jesus Christ, Cardi! 226 00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:33,240 HE FARTS 227 00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:34,720 HE VOMITS 228 00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:42,240 Oh, fuck! 229 00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:43,520 HE SNIFFS Eurgh! 230 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:46,960 LINE RINGS 231 00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:53,320 PHONE RINGS I'm not going back out there, Tommo! 232 00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:56,280 They may be 90 years old, but they're fucking rabid. 233 00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:57,920 Come on, mate. 234 00:10:57,960 --> 00:10:59,760 Sweetheart, listen to me. 235 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:02,200 Come on, mate. They're a bit over‐excited. 236 00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:04,360 But they're bound to be, aren't they? 237 00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:07,400 Some of them haven't seen a knob up close since D‐Day. 238 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:10,160 They're not just over‐excited, Tommo, are they? 239 00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:13,440 They're all coked‐up! What? What's he on about? 240 00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:15,520 Coked‐up? What the fuck are you on about, you? 241 00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:18,800 I fucking seen you selling gear to a few of them old handbags out there, 242 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:21,960 the rusty old wrist straps. Listen to me, sweetheart, right? 243 00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:24,160 You're being paid to entertain. 244 00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:27,160 Right? So mind your own fucking business and get back out there. 245 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:30,320 You haven't a fucking chance. You're not paying me enough to get molested 246 00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:32,440 by a load of senior citizens. 247 00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:34,640 It's traumatising, Tommo! 248 00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:37,320 They're properly out of control, Tommo. 249 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:38,840 They've breached the stage! 250 00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:40,880 Fucking hell. Come on. 251 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:42,680 TOMMO: Ladies... 252 00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:46,800 Stop it! Give me that back! No! 253 00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:48,840 WOMAN: Aw, baby! Fucking hell! 254 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:52,120 What the...? 255 00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:58,280 Oh, yeah, that's bad. That is bad. 256 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:00,120 I shouldn't have given them any drugs. 257 00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:02,400 Right, get the fucking door. Lock it! 258 00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:04,440 PHONE RINGS Turn that light off. 259 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:05,880 Turn the light off! 260 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:12,560 Oh, sorry. Oh. Oh. Hey. 261 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:14,600 Hi. Hi. Hi. 262 00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:16,640 You all right? Yeah. 263 00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:18,800 Yeah. Er... PHONE PLAYS JANGLY RINGTONE 264 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:21,080 Vinnie changed my ringtone. 265 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:23,040 SHE CLEARS HER THROAT No, things... 266 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:25,080 Things are good. Erm... 267 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:27,920 Er, how's Tyler? 268 00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:29,960 Yeah, he's amazing. As usual. 269 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,760 Hiya. Hey. 270 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:33,240 Er... 271 00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:35,640 Er, sorry. You've met, erm... 272 00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:37,120 ..Erin. 273 00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:39,160 And Sara. Sara, Erin. Hi! 274 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:40,880 Hi. Nice to meet you. 275 00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:43,160 Oh, you, too. Nice to meet you. 276 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,560 The, erm... 277 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,240 I've heard so much about Tyler. 278 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:50,800 Have you? Yeah. 279 00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:53,280 Aw, that's nice. Is he with you? 280 00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:55,320 Oh, no, no, no. Not at this time, no. 281 00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:56,880 It's way past his bedtime. 282 00:12:56,920 --> 00:12:59,080 Well, he sounds like a very special little boy. 283 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:00,480 Yeah, he is. 284 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:03,000 Right. 285 00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:04,600 Oh... 286 00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:05,920 OK. 287 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:07,880 Hi. Er, Sugar, this is... 288 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:09,160 Sara. Yeah. 289 00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:10,320 It's... 290 00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:12,560 Pleased to meet you. Oh. 291 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:16,600 You're both looking very glam. Off somewhere nice? 292 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:18,920 Yeah, we're crashing a wedding. No, not really. 293 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,160 Just out...and about. About.. 294 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:24,080 Anyway, we were, er... just gonna go. 295 00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:26,120 Yeah, we'd better pay for these. 296 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,400 No, I don't think... Do you want these? 297 00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:31,440 No, no, no. Just... 298 00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:33,080 Erm... 299 00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:35,080 Have a fun night. You, too. 300 00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:36,720 Nice meeting you. Bye. 301 00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:37,840 Erm... 302 00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:39,320 Yeah. 303 00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:44,880 THEY LAUGH 304 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:46,920 You look really fucking glam? Oh, don't! 305 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:49,840 What's she trying to say? Did you hear what she said about Tyler? 306 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:52,080 As if he's gonna be in here at this time of night. 307 00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:53,960 What kind of mum does she think I am? 308 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:55,960 She was such a bitch. Oh, bitch! 309 00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:58,360 Did you see the way she kept pawing at him as well? Gross! 310 00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,520 So insecure. Like, love, we get it, you're together. 311 00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:03,320 You don't have to keep touching him. No‐one's going run off with him. 312 00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:04,760 Proper phoney. 313 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:06,560 Sugar... What? 314 00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:10,120 She was nice. 315 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:12,840 She was all right. Exactly what he needs. 316 00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:14,480 Deserves. 317 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,440 I mean, just cos me and Jake didn't work out, 318 00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:18,760 it doesn't mean that they shouldn't. 319 00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:22,160 You want to know summat, as well? 320 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:24,280 I actually miss the chaos of that lot. 321 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:25,840 Seriously. 322 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,920 You want some chaos? Do you want some chaos? Please. 323 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:32,560 Let's go and get fucking bladdered! THEY GIGGLE 324 00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:41,280 DISTANT MUSIC 325 00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:43,320 CHEERING 326 00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:53,680 MUSIC GROWS LOUDER 327 00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:00,760 SIREN WAILS 328 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:09,120 # Sane, sane, they're all insane 329 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:12,440 # The fireman's blind The conductor's lame... # 330 00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:16,240 Fuck! 331 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:21,040 MUSIC CONTINUES 332 00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:26,960 # ..clap your hands 333 00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:30,480 # Clap your hands... # 334 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:41,080 HE TURNS THE MUSIC OFF 335 00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:47,160 HOCKEY STICK CLATTERS Fuck me. 336 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:48,680 Shit. 337 00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:52,800 THUD 338 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:07,960 GLASS SHATTERS 339 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,000 DOOR HINGES CREAK 340 00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:13,280 Hello? 341 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:33,400 Hey, er... 342 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:34,440 Hey, D‐Man! 343 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:38,080 Er... 344 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:40,120 Come here a minute. 345 00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:51,440 Oh, I swear, D‐Man, you're getting bigger every time I see you. 346 00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:55,160 IN DEEP VOICE: Been going to t'gym, innit, Vinnie. What gwans? 347 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:57,600 I'll tell you what fucking gwans, D‐Man. 348 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:01,880 There's someone in the cellar. 349 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:03,840 AS D‐MAN: What? Are you having a fucking laugh? 350 00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:04,960 No, I'm not having a laugh. 351 00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:07,520 I'm not having a fucking laugh. There's someone in the cellar. 352 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,560 AS D‐MAN: Well, do you want to shoot him with this? 353 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:12,080 Where on earth have you got that? 354 00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:14,320 AS D‐MAN: I never leave the house without it. 355 00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:16,080 Well, a fucking... 356 00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:18,880 An AK‐47 is a bit much, don't you think, D‐Man? 357 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:21,120 AS D‐MAN: What are you being a little bitch for? 358 00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:22,480 I'm not being a little bitch! 359 00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:24,280 AS D‐MAN: You are being a little bitch. 360 00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:26,160 What the fuck are you even wearing, man? 361 00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:28,040 It's a co‐ord, all right? 362 00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:30,480 I'm actually on‐trend, I'll have you know. 363 00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:33,040 AS D‐MAN: Are you having spray tans as well? 364 00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:35,040 I've had one or two. I have had one or two. 365 00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:36,960 It's the time of year, D‐Man. 366 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:39,800 It's that time of year. I'm fucking pasty, dude. 367 00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:41,360 I don't look well. 368 00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:43,800 So, yes, I go and have one or two spray tans. 369 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:45,680 And she's gradually getting darker. 370 00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:50,960 Do you know, you've pissed me off now, you've hurt my feelings. 371 00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:53,040 AS D‐MAN: I'm sorry, Vinnie. I didn't mean to. 372 00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:55,240 You have, you've hurt my fucking feelings. 373 00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:58,880 You come round here with an AK‐47 and you're unreasonable. 374 00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:05,320 I think... I think I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, D‐Man. 375 00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:07,240 AS D‐MAN: Don't be like that, Vinnie. 376 00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:09,280 No, no, no. Fucking, that's it now. 377 00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:12,440 That's it. Shouldn't have mentioned the spray tans. 378 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:15,080 Really got my back up. You know I'm sensitive. 379 00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:16,720 Sen... Sensitive. 380 00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:18,360 Go on, get out, get out now. 381 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:20,000 Fuck. 382 00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:21,480 Get out of it, get gone. 383 00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:23,360 Get out of it, you pig! Go on, you cunt. 384 00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:25,000 Fuck me. 385 00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:26,480 Fuck. 386 00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:31,640 All right, whoever you are... 387 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:35,000 ..I'm gonna give you to the count of ten. 388 00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:37,440 And then that's... 389 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,520 That's fucking it, you're getting it. 390 00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:43,640 One... HE DIALS A NUMBER 391 00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:46,080 LINE RINGS ..two... 392 00:18:46,120 --> 00:18:50,360 # I'd rather go fishing Than out on some date 393 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:53,360 # All you need to go fishing PHONE RINGS 394 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:54,880 # Is a rid and some bat... # 395 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:56,800 PHONE CONTINUES RINGING Come on. 396 00:18:58,360 --> 00:19:00,160 WATER SPLASHES 397 00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:02,960 Oh, f‐f‐fuckkk! 398 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:05,360 ..five... Halfway there now, pal. 399 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:07,200 HE ENDS THE CALL 400 00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:09,040 ..six, seven... 401 00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:12,520 You'll notice I'm racing through it, cos I don't give a fuck. 402 00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:15,360 ..nine... 403 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:17,440 and three‐quarters... 404 00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:19,480 All right, that's a ten. 405 00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:21,520 I said this would happen. 406 00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:23,960 I said this would happen. 407 00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:07,480 Fuck. 408 00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:29,480 DOOR LOCK THUDS Fuck. 409 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:31,520 DOOR HANDLE RATTLES 410 00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:34,680 Shit. 411 00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:36,960 LINE RINGS 412 00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:39,000 FAECES HITS TOILET‐BOWL WATER 413 00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:41,520 PHONE PLAYS JANGLY RINGTONE 414 00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:43,160 Vinnie? 415 00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:45,400 Oh, Cardi, thank Christ! Dude, listen. 416 00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:46,760 Look, Vinnie... No, shut up. 417 00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:48,200 Listen, I need your help, man. 418 00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:49,960 I'm dying. What? 419 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:51,400 F‐F‐Food poisoning. 420 00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:55,400 I made the woman I love shit her pants in front of me, Vinnie. 421 00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:57,480 FAECES HITS TOILET‐BOWL WATER Carol... 422 00:20:58,680 --> 00:20:59,960 She can't... 423 00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,160 HE RETCHES She can't stop shitting. 424 00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:04,400 HE GASPS FOR BREATH I've never seen... 425 00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:07,040 HE STRAINS ..anything like it. 426 00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:08,400 I'm sorry to hear that, dude, 427 00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:10,880 but I'm locked in the toilets at The Crow's Nest. I... 428 00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:12,560 I can't leave this toilet, Vinnie. 429 00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:14,200 If I don't make it... 430 00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:15,600 HE CHOKES BACK TEARS 431 00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:18,280 ..I want you to have my things. You don't have any things. 432 00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:20,800 I have got things! 433 00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:22,400 Just stay hydrated. 434 00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:23,800 LOUD FARTING AND PLOPPING 435 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:52,040 JIM: Fucking chips! 436 00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:54,080 Jim! Jim? 437 00:21:54,120 --> 00:21:55,720 CLATTERS 438 00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:58,080 Fucking looking at? Jim! Jim! Jim! 439 00:21:58,120 --> 00:22:00,120 Jim, up here! Jim! 440 00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:03,360 You! What the fuck do you want? 441 00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:05,400 Jim! What? 442 00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:10,560 Fuck off, you fucking cod‐stealing bastard shit. 443 00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:12,600 Who are you talking to, you fucking idiot? 444 00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:14,040 These are my fucking chips, 445 00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:17,200 so fucking fuck the fuck off before I fucking... 446 00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:19,520 Nobody wants your fucking chips, Jim! 447 00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:21,560 Oi! Up here. Look up! 448 00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:23,440 Look up! Jim, look up! 449 00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:25,160 Fuck me. You, again?! 450 00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:28,520 I thought I fucking told you to fuck off, didn't I? 451 00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:32,920 If you look at my fucking chips one more time... 452 00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:34,320 Look up! 453 00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:37,320 Fuck! Jim! 454 00:22:37,360 --> 00:22:38,920 Are you all right, dude? 455 00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,720 # What is love? 456 00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:42,240 # Baby, don't... # 457 00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:45,440 What are you singing Haddaway for? Fucking wanker. 458 00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:47,600 Fucking hurt my fucking head! 459 00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:50,160 Cunt! 460 00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:55,160 Fuck. 461 00:22:57,480 --> 00:22:59,080 HE DIALS A NUMBER 462 00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:00,480 LINE RINGS 463 00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:02,440 FLOORBOARD CREAKS 464 00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:04,480 HE ENDS THE CALL 465 00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:08,120 Shit... 466 00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:09,720 Shit! 467 00:23:17,360 --> 00:23:19,040 Hey, up, mate. 468 00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:22,840 Oi! 469 00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:24,360 Fuck! 470 00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:28,320 Please don't be dead. 471 00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:31,760 Which fucking side, is it? 472 00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:34,200 Fuck! 473 00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:39,960 Who the fuck are you? 474 00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:41,640 PHONE RINGS 475 00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:42,840 Shit. 476 00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:45,840 What's happened? Nothing. Er, nothing. 477 00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:47,840 I've known you long enough to know 478 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:49,960 that you wouldn't be calling me at this time of night 479 00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:51,320 if there hadn't been some drama. 480 00:23:51,360 --> 00:23:53,800 So, go on. No, no, no, listen, nothing's happened. 481 00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:56,320 There's nothing... There's nothing to worry about. 482 00:23:56,360 --> 00:23:58,360 Vinnie, I'm fucking with you! Ha! 483 00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:00,680 What are you like? What you doing, anyway? 484 00:24:00,720 --> 00:24:02,520 Oh, you know, I'm just, er... 485 00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:04,440 I'm just chilling, just hanging out. 486 00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:07,560 Oh, come out. Come out. Me and Sugar are out. Come out! 487 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:09,720 No, I can't, love, I can't. I'm, er... 488 00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:11,480 I'm up early, you see. 489 00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:13,680 Sugar said you're staying at Kath's. 490 00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:16,600 Yeah, yeah. Just... Just for one night. 491 00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:19,160 Isn't it dead creepy being there by yourself? 492 00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:20,800 HE DROPS THE PHONE Shit. 493 00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:22,640 Er... Yeah. Yeah. 494 00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:25,120 Yeah, it is a bit, actually. 495 00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:26,880 I haven't seen you for ages. 496 00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:29,200 I just said to Sugar that I miss the craziness. 497 00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:31,400 Oh, well, there's none of that round here. 498 00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:33,480 Fuck me, I am bored to tears, honestly. 499 00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:35,240 Yeah? Oh, yeah, yeah. 500 00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:37,920 So, I can't tempt you out? I'd love to, but I'm up too early. 501 00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:39,440 Boo! Boring. 502 00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:41,600 All right, then, I'll let you go, yeah? 503 00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:43,800 Later, alligator. In a while, crocodile. 504 00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:45,840 Fuck! Erm... 505 00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:47,160 Shit! 506 00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:52,000 THEY GIGGLE Fuck off. 507 00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:54,040 THEY LAUGH 508 00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:56,080 VINNIE STRAINS 509 00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:19,480 Oh, fuck me! 510 00:25:32,360 --> 00:25:33,960 Fuck! 511 00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:37,400 What the fuck? Throw a dick at me? Get the fuck out of here, man! 512 00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:40,320 Oh, leave me alone! I ain't even done owt. 513 00:25:40,360 --> 00:25:42,320 You were breaking and entering! 514 00:25:42,360 --> 00:25:45,200 You know, there's laws against that kind of shit. 515 00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:47,040 It... It were an accident. 516 00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:50,080 An accident? I fell through the delivery hatch. 517 00:25:50,120 --> 00:25:52,160 Yeah, yeah, and I suppose that balaclava 518 00:25:52,200 --> 00:25:54,560 fell on your head an' all, did it? No. 519 00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:58,320 I'm in the SAS. The SAS? 520 00:25:58,360 --> 00:26:01,040 Yeah. I'm on a top‐secret mission, aren't I? 521 00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:03,080 Here, in Hawley? 522 00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:06,080 I'm not allowed to say. It's a secret! 523 00:26:06,120 --> 00:26:07,600 Listen, Orville... Aw! 524 00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:10,440 ..I'm sure Keith Harris is probably wondering where the fuck you are. 525 00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:11,960 I don't want you here, man. 526 00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:14,120 Aw! And I'm guessing you don't want to be here either. 527 00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:16,360 So, behind you, there's a window. 528 00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:18,920 Climb through the window, there's a fire escape. 529 00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:20,360 Down the ladders. 530 00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:23,360 Fuck off. Don't come back. Let sleeping dogs lie. How's that? 531 00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:25,960 I don't know. It looks quite high, that. 532 00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:28,280 Oh, God, no! It's dead high, that! I can't do that. 533 00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:29,800 Just fucking... 534 00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:31,960 Of course it's high. It's a fire escape! 535 00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:34,160 I can't do heights, they panic me. 536 00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:36,680 Did you mention that in your SAS interview? 537 00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:38,720 No. No. 538 00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:42,000 Fuck me... What are we gonna do, then? 539 00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:47,200 How about you just... open the door and just let us out? 540 00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:49,080 Fuck that. What if you've got a knife 541 00:26:49,120 --> 00:26:50,840 and you try and stab me or summat? 542 00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:53,320 I haven't got nothing, I swear! Oh, please. 543 00:26:53,360 --> 00:26:55,360 I just want to go home. 544 00:26:56,440 --> 00:26:58,720 All right, I'll tell you what. I'll open this door. 545 00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:00,480 If you try any funny business... 546 00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:03,560 ..I'll finger you to death. Eh? 547 00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:05,040 No. You what? 548 00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:06,120 Not like... Help! 549 00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:07,760 No, no, no! Help! Mister! 550 00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:10,400 Fuck, I didn't mean it like that. I'm locked in a bathroom 551 00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:12,800 and there's a man threatening to finger me to death! 552 00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:15,840 I'm not sure what that means. That was a misguided attempt 553 00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:18,120 to try and bring some levity to the situation. 554 00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:19,880 What's levity? 555 00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:22,640 Is that like fingering? No, it's not fingering. 556 00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:24,680 It's not fingering. Just... 557 00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:27,760 I'm sorry, man, I... Aw...! 558 00:27:29,120 --> 00:27:30,880 Oh...! 559 00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:33,720 What's going on in there? Are you all right? Aaah! 560 00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:36,880 Yeah. It's... It's jammed right in. I can't get it out. 561 00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:38,840 I think it's touching my brain. 562 00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:42,640 All right, well, I'd better take a look at it. 563 00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:44,920 OK. 564 00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:48,800 Oh, shit... 565 00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:53,000 You brought that on yourself. 566 00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:55,360 It really hurts. Come on. 567 00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:58,360 How does it look? 568 00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:02,320 Does it look bad? Yeah. 569 00:28:02,360 --> 00:28:04,040 You're not supposed to say that! 570 00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:06,520 When you ask doctors and that, they say, "No." 571 00:28:06,560 --> 00:28:08,960 You've got a fucking corkscrew in the side of your head. 572 00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:10,360 Of course it looks bad. 573 00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:13,320 Well, let me just... Let me try and pull it out. 574 00:28:13,360 --> 00:28:16,240 Will it bleed? Cos I just can't do blood and that. 575 00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:18,280 It's almost as if... 576 00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:20,640 ..you're not really in the SAS. 577 00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:22,280 Hm. 578 00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:24,320 It'll probably... It'll... 579 00:28:25,480 --> 00:28:28,280 It probably won't bleed. All right? Good. 580 00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:30,200 OK, I'm ready. 581 00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:33,520 Oh, you're going the wrong way! You're making it go deeper! 582 00:28:33,560 --> 00:28:35,320 I apologise. It were like lightning. 583 00:28:35,360 --> 00:28:38,280 But not nice lightning. Like frightening lightning. 584 00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:40,200 Just shut the fuck up wittering on. 585 00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:44,760 Oh, that's the same way! The same way! 586 00:28:44,800 --> 00:28:47,440 It's touching my brain again! I don't know what I'm doing! 587 00:28:47,480 --> 00:28:49,320 I'm dyslexic. 588 00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:51,600 Fucking clockwise, lefts and rights, I'm bad at it. 589 00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:53,640 Everything's fucking digital now. 590 00:28:53,680 --> 00:28:56,720 When was the last time you even saw a normal clock? 591 00:29:00,400 --> 00:29:02,240 All right. I know what I'm doing. Oh, OK. 592 00:29:02,280 --> 00:29:04,320 All right. Owww! 593 00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:05,640 Aaarrrggghhh! 594 00:29:05,680 --> 00:29:07,080 Ohh! Aaa‐aaa‐aaah! 595 00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:09,280 Oh, bloody hell! 596 00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:11,920 Let's have a look. Oh, that's a lot of blood, that. 597 00:29:13,040 --> 00:29:14,640 Oh, what's that? 598 00:29:14,680 --> 00:29:16,600 It's super glue. Eh? 599 00:29:16,640 --> 00:29:18,120 Oh... 600 00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:21,560 One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Three Mississippi. 601 00:29:24,520 --> 00:29:26,560 Shit! What's up? 602 00:29:27,760 --> 00:29:30,160 I've fucking superglued my hand to your head. 603 00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:32,200 Oh, no...! Oh, no. 604 00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:33,920 Fuck! All right. One, two, three! 605 00:29:33,960 --> 00:29:34,960 Ow! 606 00:29:37,880 --> 00:29:39,080 Fuck me. 607 00:29:39,120 --> 00:29:40,480 I thought I'd killed you. 608 00:29:41,600 --> 00:29:43,560 I've got narcolepsy. 609 00:29:43,600 --> 00:29:46,160 When I get tired, I just fall asleep. 610 00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:48,880 That's everyone. 611 00:29:48,920 --> 00:29:50,520 I just wanted to pinch a few things. 612 00:29:50,560 --> 00:29:52,560 Not... Not much. 613 00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:54,400 Just enough... 614 00:29:54,440 --> 00:29:55,840 ..to buy a bird bath. 615 00:29:55,880 --> 00:29:57,400 A bird bath? 616 00:29:58,480 --> 00:30:01,240 Yeah. Not for me. For my mum. 617 00:30:01,280 --> 00:30:03,920 She doesn't really get out much any more. 618 00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:08,400 She likes to sit in the garden and watch the birds. 619 00:30:09,480 --> 00:30:14,440 And there's this one bird that comes to visit her, a robin, 620 00:30:14,480 --> 00:30:18,080 that she thinks is the reincarnation of my dad. 621 00:30:18,120 --> 00:30:20,560 He were called Robin, you see. 622 00:30:20,600 --> 00:30:23,080 She wants a bird bath for him, 623 00:30:23,120 --> 00:30:25,720 on account of how he always liked... 624 00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:28,760 ..to have a bath. 625 00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:32,240 Can't you just go and nick a bird bath, like any normal person? 626 00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:35,000 Well, I've seen a really nice one. 627 00:30:35,040 --> 00:30:37,560 York sandstone. Dead impressive it is. 628 00:30:37,600 --> 00:30:39,600 In the grounds of this posh house. 629 00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:42,360 Yeah, sounds really nice. Go and nick that one. 630 00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:46,280 The thing is, it... it looks dead‐heavy. 631 00:30:46,320 --> 00:30:47,560 Like a... 632 00:30:47,600 --> 00:30:49,840 ..a two‐man job. Take a mate with you. 633 00:30:53,280 --> 00:30:55,600 Come on, you must have one friend. 634 00:30:55,640 --> 00:30:57,960 Mum says folk are odd. 635 00:30:58,000 --> 00:31:01,360 And it's their loss, if they don't warm to us. 636 00:31:02,560 --> 00:31:06,560 And... And you can't force people to be your friends, can you? 637 00:31:06,600 --> 00:31:11,440 I mean, sometimes, you're just better off staying out of their way. 638 00:31:14,520 --> 00:31:16,040 What's your name? 639 00:31:17,120 --> 00:31:18,520 Gideon. 640 00:31:20,040 --> 00:31:21,760 I'm Vinnie. 641 00:31:24,680 --> 00:31:26,160 OWL HOOTS 642 00:31:26,200 --> 00:31:28,360 No‐one's here on Thursdays, so we're safe. 643 00:31:28,400 --> 00:31:29,960 Unless the D‐Man followed us. 644 00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:31,720 Oh, you said he had a gun! 645 00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:34,760 What if he sees us and shoots us with it, just for fun, like? 646 00:31:34,800 --> 00:31:37,000 Gideon! Jesus Christ, listen to me. 647 00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:38,640 D‐Man's gone. 648 00:31:38,680 --> 00:31:40,480 And he's not coming back. 649 00:31:40,520 --> 00:31:42,520 All right? I promise you. Yeah? 650 00:31:42,560 --> 00:31:44,560 Yeah. All right. 651 00:31:44,600 --> 00:31:47,120 Where is this bird bath, then? Up there. 652 00:31:47,160 --> 00:31:52,200 MONASTIC CHANTING 653 00:31:55,160 --> 00:31:57,600 Why didn't you tell me to nick a bigger car, man? 654 00:31:57,640 --> 00:31:59,000 You're having a laugh, dude. 655 00:31:59,040 --> 00:32:01,440 That's not a fucking bird bath. That's a fountain! 656 00:32:01,480 --> 00:32:02,840 A fountain? Yeah. 657 00:32:02,880 --> 00:32:04,360 So, is that different to a bird bath? 658 00:32:04,400 --> 00:32:07,720 Of course it's different to a bird bath. A fountain is much bigger. 659 00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:11,120 The fucking thing is massive. How are we gonna fit it in the car? 660 00:32:11,160 --> 00:32:14,600 Does that mean we can't get the birdbath for Mum, then? 661 00:32:17,000 --> 00:32:20,120 All right, fuck it. We need to go and get the car. Come on. 662 00:32:20,160 --> 00:32:23,360 Electronic fence. I'm just gonna force it. It should open. 663 00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:25,000 OK. Here we go. 664 00:32:25,040 --> 00:32:27,200 You fucker. They're not opening, Vinnie. 665 00:32:27,240 --> 00:32:29,320 Well, fucking not yet, it's not. Give us a sec. 666 00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:31,240 Urgh! 667 00:32:31,280 --> 00:32:33,960 They're still not opening. I know! Fuck me, I'll climb over. 668 00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:36,280 Oh. Ooh! 669 00:32:36,320 --> 00:32:38,360 GATE HINGES CREAK 670 00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:39,600 For fuck's sake, dude! 671 00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:50,920 Gideon! Yeah? 672 00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:53,000 It's not gonna take much to make it give. 673 00:32:53,040 --> 00:32:55,440 So, just... Oi! Nice and slow. 674 00:32:55,480 --> 00:32:57,480 All right? Got it, Vinnie. 675 00:32:57,520 --> 00:32:59,520 ENGINE REVS 676 00:32:59,560 --> 00:33:02,720 Just a bit more than that. Just a smidge. 677 00:33:02,760 --> 00:33:04,120 OK. 678 00:33:04,160 --> 00:33:05,640 ENGINE REVS 679 00:33:05,680 --> 00:33:07,920 Have you even let the clutch out, Gideon? 680 00:33:07,960 --> 00:33:09,880 Er... Which one is that? 681 00:33:09,920 --> 00:33:11,360 The clu... 682 00:33:11,400 --> 00:33:13,400 Do you even know how to drive? 683 00:33:13,440 --> 00:33:14,960 No. No? 684 00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:17,040 Is it even in gear? Er... 685 00:33:17,080 --> 00:33:19,760 Ah, right. Is that it? The stick here? 686 00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:21,680 No, no, no, no, no! 687 00:33:25,960 --> 00:33:28,880 Holy shit, man. Look at the state of it, you lunatic. 688 00:33:28,920 --> 00:33:30,520 Oh, no. 689 00:33:30,560 --> 00:33:33,440 Oh, no! You've really done it now, Gideon. 690 00:33:33,480 --> 00:33:37,280 They'll put you in prison and then who is gonna look after Mum? 691 00:33:37,320 --> 00:33:39,720 Come on, let's run away! Whoa, whoa, whoa! 692 00:33:39,760 --> 00:33:41,560 Just settle down. 693 00:33:41,600 --> 00:33:44,600 We're not going nowhere without that birdbath slash fountain thing. 694 00:33:44,640 --> 00:33:46,640 All right? Now, pull yourself together. 695 00:33:46,680 --> 00:33:48,440 Are you feeling strong? Why? 696 00:33:48,480 --> 00:33:51,600 Cos it's gonna weigh a fucking ton, man! Yeah? OK. 697 00:33:56,120 --> 00:33:57,720 All right, dude? 698 00:33:57,760 --> 00:33:59,840 OK. I'm going as fast as I can, Vinnie. 699 00:34:03,840 --> 00:34:05,320 Oh, bloody hell! 700 00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:07,120 Stop moaning and get in the fucking car! 701 00:34:07,160 --> 00:34:08,920 Get in the car! 702 00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:18,000 Right, you little bastards! I've got you on camera. 703 00:34:18,040 --> 00:34:20,440 Can you fuck off, please? It's hard enough to see without... 704 00:34:20,480 --> 00:34:21,680 You are going viral! 705 00:34:23,120 --> 00:34:25,320 Oh! There you are, stream that! 706 00:34:25,360 --> 00:34:27,440 I can't believe you did that, Vinnie. 707 00:34:27,480 --> 00:34:30,000 It feels good to be alive, doesn't it, pal, hey? 708 00:34:30,040 --> 00:34:32,120 Huzzah! GIDEON GIGGLES 709 00:34:32,160 --> 00:34:34,120 Huzzah, dude! 710 00:34:34,160 --> 00:34:36,160 Huzzah! Huzzah! 711 00:34:41,640 --> 00:34:45,120 Right, listen, I'm gonna get off. Oh, no, don't run off just yet. 712 00:34:45,160 --> 00:34:48,120 It's late, man. I need my bed. Come and say hello to Mum. 713 00:34:48,160 --> 00:34:50,880 She's gonna be asleep. She don't really sleep well. 714 00:34:50,920 --> 00:34:52,880 She don't get many visitors. She'd be made up. 715 00:34:52,920 --> 00:34:55,040 Just pop up and say hello, like, please. 716 00:34:55,080 --> 00:34:57,040 Please? Yeah, all right, all right. 717 00:34:57,080 --> 00:34:58,200 Five minutes. Yeah? 718 00:34:59,720 --> 00:35:01,440 HE SIGHS 719 00:35:01,480 --> 00:35:03,480 It's cold, innit? It's got to be. 720 00:35:03,520 --> 00:35:05,520 Mum can't sleep if it's too hot. 721 00:35:06,600 --> 00:35:08,200 She's just up there. 722 00:35:11,440 --> 00:35:13,440 Who is all this lot? 723 00:35:13,480 --> 00:35:15,120 Dead people. Hey? 724 00:35:15,160 --> 00:35:16,360 They're all dead. 725 00:35:17,680 --> 00:35:20,040 Well, they can't all be dead! Er... 726 00:35:20,080 --> 00:35:21,800 Yeah, they are. He's not dead. 727 00:35:21,840 --> 00:35:23,680 Yeah, he is. 728 00:35:25,400 --> 00:35:27,480 What about this lot here? Oh, God, yeah. 729 00:35:27,520 --> 00:35:29,640 Yeah, they all died in a boating accident. 730 00:35:29,680 --> 00:35:31,360 They won the boat on Bullseye. 731 00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:33,960 They got dropped in an artificial lake, but there were no water, 732 00:35:34,000 --> 00:35:36,640 So, they were all killed. Dude, is this a wall of dead people? 733 00:35:36,680 --> 00:35:38,280 Is that what this is? Yeah. 734 00:35:38,320 --> 00:35:40,840 Everybody is dead? Yeah, up to the top, yeah. 735 00:35:40,880 --> 00:35:43,200 But he's not. He's not dead. Oh, he is. 736 00:35:43,240 --> 00:35:45,680 He had an electric trike from Taiwan. 737 00:35:45,720 --> 00:35:48,040 It were too powerful. Took him right into t'wall. 738 00:35:48,080 --> 00:35:50,400 Yeah, it were very sad. A horrible story. 739 00:35:50,440 --> 00:35:52,840 What's all this shit? The rapey doll here? 740 00:35:52,880 --> 00:35:54,760 Who is this furry little...? 741 00:35:54,800 --> 00:35:56,600 Fuck! Fuck me, dude. 742 00:35:56,640 --> 00:35:58,240 Aw! HE LAUGHS 743 00:35:58,280 --> 00:36:00,800 It's just Mr Mittens. All right. 744 00:36:00,840 --> 00:36:02,400 What are you doing up here, Mr Mittens? 745 00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:03,600 Meow! 746 00:36:03,640 --> 00:36:05,000 Hello, Vinnie! 747 00:36:05,040 --> 00:36:07,240 A bit Buffalo Bill in here, in't it, pal? 748 00:36:07,280 --> 00:36:09,000 Oh, yeah. I get it. Woo‐woo‐woo! 749 00:36:09,040 --> 00:36:12,560 Nothing to do with Indians. You don't know what I'm talking about. 750 00:36:12,600 --> 00:36:15,360 A cowboy, weren't he? You've never seen the film, have you? 751 00:36:15,400 --> 00:36:17,440 Where are we going? In to see Mum. 752 00:36:17,480 --> 00:36:20,520 Listen, it's... I'm just feeling a bit anx‐anxious. 753 00:36:20,560 --> 00:36:23,120 Oh, please, Vinnie. It's really late, though. 754 00:36:23,160 --> 00:36:25,520 I know. Just two... Just two minutes. 755 00:36:25,560 --> 00:36:27,560 She'll be so made up. Please? 756 00:36:27,600 --> 00:36:28,960 Yeah. 757 00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:31,800 Is that all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 758 00:36:31,840 --> 00:36:33,160 Mum? 759 00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:34,560 Mum! 760 00:36:35,600 --> 00:36:37,440 I've got a surprise for you. 761 00:36:37,480 --> 00:36:39,200 I've brought you a visitor. 762 00:36:40,280 --> 00:36:42,280 Why did you have to say it like that? 763 00:36:42,320 --> 00:36:44,680 Like what? You just said, "I've brought you..." 764 00:36:44,720 --> 00:36:45,880 Well, I have. 765 00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:47,640 Like you're gonna feed her or summat. 766 00:36:47,680 --> 00:36:49,680 What's in here, dude? 767 00:36:52,160 --> 00:36:53,760 Hiya, Mum. 768 00:36:53,800 --> 00:36:55,800 How are you doing? 769 00:36:59,800 --> 00:37:01,800 Did you manage to get any sleep? 770 00:37:05,800 --> 00:37:07,480 Who's this? 771 00:37:07,520 --> 00:37:09,120 Oh. 772 00:37:09,160 --> 00:37:11,160 This is Vinnie, Mum. 773 00:37:11,200 --> 00:37:13,200 He's a friend of mine. 774 00:37:13,240 --> 00:37:15,720 He wanted to come and say hello to you. 775 00:37:16,960 --> 00:37:18,960 That's nice. 776 00:37:19,000 --> 00:37:21,800 And have you asked Vinnie what we ask visitors? 777 00:37:21,840 --> 00:37:23,760 Oh, yeah. 778 00:37:26,240 --> 00:37:28,720 Would you like some tea, love? 779 00:37:28,760 --> 00:37:31,600 No. I'm all right, thanks, Giddy. 780 00:37:33,160 --> 00:37:35,240 Go and make us a pot, Giddy, love. 781 00:37:35,280 --> 00:37:36,680 OK. 782 00:37:41,760 --> 00:37:44,160 He doesn't really have friends, you know. 783 00:37:44,200 --> 00:37:46,400 He's a bit too... 784 00:37:46,440 --> 00:37:48,960 ..unique for most folk. 785 00:37:50,280 --> 00:37:52,280 Thems with small minds. 786 00:37:54,360 --> 00:37:55,880 He's vulnerable. 787 00:37:57,680 --> 00:38:00,800 Easy picking for the wrong sort to take advantage of. 788 00:38:02,400 --> 00:38:04,160 I wouldn't do that. 789 00:38:17,880 --> 00:38:19,920 You know why you're here, Vinnie? 790 00:38:23,080 --> 00:38:27,000 He's trying to show me I don't have to worry about him. 791 00:38:27,040 --> 00:38:28,880 Mm. 792 00:38:28,920 --> 00:38:30,920 But I do. 793 00:38:30,960 --> 00:38:32,480 I'm a mum. 794 00:38:32,520 --> 00:38:34,120 That's what we do. 795 00:38:35,120 --> 00:38:37,080 Boys need their mums. 796 00:38:37,120 --> 00:38:39,120 Isn't that right? Mm. 797 00:38:42,080 --> 00:38:43,800 Can you be a good friend, Vinnie? 798 00:38:44,960 --> 00:38:46,960 He's going to need a friend. 799 00:38:48,760 --> 00:38:50,280 I'll be his friend. 800 00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:57,200 You're tired. 801 00:38:59,640 --> 00:39:01,640 Aren't you? Yeah. 802 00:39:01,680 --> 00:39:04,800 Yeah, I am a bit. Yeah, I've been up all night. 803 00:39:04,840 --> 00:39:06,000 No. 804 00:39:07,920 --> 00:39:10,360 It's not just tonight, though, is it, lovey? 805 00:39:13,080 --> 00:39:14,520 You're worn out. 806 00:39:17,680 --> 00:39:21,840 You've been brave long enough. You don't need to keep it up. 807 00:39:21,880 --> 00:39:23,880 HE CHOKES BACK TEARS 808 00:39:25,880 --> 00:39:27,240 Sssh... 809 00:39:28,960 --> 00:39:31,520 I'm sorry. Come here. Come here. 810 00:39:33,320 --> 00:39:35,320 You're just tired. 811 00:39:37,400 --> 00:39:39,000 There's a lad. 812 00:39:43,480 --> 00:39:45,400 You'll be all right. 813 00:39:47,800 --> 00:39:52,360 # Life is but a dream 814 00:39:52,400 --> 00:39:55,960 # It's what you make it 815 00:39:56,000 --> 00:40:00,120 # Always try to give... # 816 00:40:00,160 --> 00:40:02,040 CLATTERING 817 00:40:09,840 --> 00:40:11,440 Fuck me! 818 00:40:11,480 --> 00:40:13,480 Fucking hell. Hey, up. 819 00:40:13,520 --> 00:40:17,160 Morning, dude. Just got up, have you? Yeah, yeah. 820 00:40:17,200 --> 00:40:19,240 Morning. Afternoon, mate. 821 00:40:19,280 --> 00:40:20,840 You've been out for the count. 822 00:40:20,880 --> 00:40:23,040 How's it going, then? I have no idea. 823 00:40:23,080 --> 00:40:25,280 I've just had the maddest night. 824 00:40:25,320 --> 00:40:27,720 This old woman touched me. Me, too. 825 00:40:27,760 --> 00:40:30,160 I got groped by an old one, too. Jesus fucking Christ. 826 00:40:30,200 --> 00:40:32,240 It's the last time I'm saying it, right? 827 00:40:32,280 --> 00:40:36,600 It is business. There's people who would pay good money for that shit. 828 00:40:36,640 --> 00:40:37,880 Are you all right, you? 829 00:40:39,840 --> 00:40:42,760 I didn't know it was physically possible... 830 00:40:42,800 --> 00:40:45,720 ..for a human being to poo that much. 831 00:40:47,400 --> 00:40:49,200 Get that in you. Did you sleep all right, Vin? 832 00:40:49,240 --> 00:40:50,840 Oh, Christ, yeah. 833 00:40:50,880 --> 00:40:53,960 I did, all right. I've been having these mental dreams. 834 00:40:54,000 --> 00:40:56,080 Oh, I had a mad dream the other night. 835 00:40:56,120 --> 00:40:57,800 I wanted to go to America, yeah? 836 00:40:57,840 --> 00:40:59,800 But, I mean, they wouldn't let me in, obviously. 837 00:40:59,840 --> 00:41:02,960 So, I got into a cardboard box and then I posted myself. 838 00:41:03,000 --> 00:41:06,680 But then I realised I forgot to wee before I got in. Could be worse. 839 00:41:06,720 --> 00:41:09,840 You could have been trapped in there with Cardi's missus! 840 00:41:09,880 --> 00:41:11,560 That's too far. You're bang out of order. 841 00:41:11,600 --> 00:41:13,600 HE LAUGHS Fucking hell. 842 00:41:13,640 --> 00:41:16,840 Imagine that, eh? Trapped in a box, in the pitch black, 843 00:41:16,880 --> 00:41:19,320 with Carol and her explosive anus! 844 00:41:19,360 --> 00:41:21,040 LAUGHTER I'm fucking warning you. 845 00:41:21,080 --> 00:41:24,480 MIMICS CAROL: Cardi, Cardi, it's like a chocolate fountain in here! 846 00:41:24,520 --> 00:41:26,360 It's like Cadbury's World! 847 00:41:26,400 --> 00:41:27,960 LAUGHTER 848 00:41:28,000 --> 00:41:31,320 No, no, it's not funny. Come on, Tommo, go on, apologise. 849 00:41:31,360 --> 00:41:33,120 You're upsetting him. You're right. 850 00:41:33,160 --> 00:41:35,200 I'm sorry. I am, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 851 00:41:35,240 --> 00:41:38,360 I'm sorry that you made your bird shit herself! 852 00:41:38,400 --> 00:41:40,480 I fucking warned you, didn't I! 853 00:41:40,520 --> 00:41:42,520 TEXT MESSAGE ALERT 854 00:42:54,160 --> 00:42:57,120 # I got so much trouble in my mind 855 00:42:58,520 --> 00:43:01,240 # I got so much trouble in my mind 856 00:43:02,520 --> 00:43:05,400 # I got so much trouble in my mind 857 00:43:06,520 --> 00:43:09,600 # I got so much trouble in my mind 858 00:43:11,120 --> 00:43:13,840 # Give me the strength to carry on 859 00:43:15,520 --> 00:43:17,160 # Give me the strength To carry on... # 860 00:43:17,200 --> 00:43:19,160 Subtitles by ITV SignPost