The following programme contains very strong language, adult humour
and scenes that some viewers may find distressing.
# BARRETT STRONG: Money (That's I Want) #
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
# The best things in life are free
# But you can give them To the birds and bees
# I need money That's what I want
# That's what I want That's what I want
# That's what I want That's what I want... #
(MUFFLED SHOUTING, BANGING)
Come on you thing... Why don't you fucking work?!
The fuck you doing?
This building is cock! It's fucking freezing.
It's freezing. When did it get like this?
Mid summer, that thing is blazing away, I can't breathe in here.
As soon as it gets like this, there's nothing!
Not a thing coming out. Not out of that fucker either!It is bad.
Why don't you know when it got cold?
I've been a fucking weed bunker for five days, making a living.
Damn it. Five days...
Yeah Where were you shitting?
Never mind where I'm shitting.
I've come for a renewal, on my fucking medicine,
I've without now, for a few days. Laughter, that's what you need.
That's the best medicine Vincent.
Laughter. I agree, but I need to be
around people that don't get on me tits, don't I?
I've got a good one for you. Oh.
Ready? Yeah.
Irish lesbian goes to the Doctor. It's already in appropriate.
Why? Just come on.
The only people you can take the piss out of now are people like me!
What, fucking posh cunts with fat red heads?(LAUGHS)
Middle class female athlete goes to the Doctor, she says,
"Doctor, Doctor I'm very worried. I think I'm growing a penis...
(SIGHS) I think it's the steroids.
Doctor says "Anabolic?" She says goes, "No, just the penis."
(LAUGHTER) See!
Fuck. See, you see, that's all you need.
You don't need pills. Still outrageous.
Listen, hurry up dude. Get a repeat prescription on there, will you?
I've got to go and arrange a truce meeting between two fucking lunatics.
(TENSE MUSIC)
(CLOCK TICKING)
I'm telling you now, Vincent,
I'm not meeting him anywhere of his choosing.
I do not trust that man, if you can call him a man.
Any venue he picks is likely to be some sort of trap.
Listen, I get it. I hear what you're saying.
But after an extensive chat via the medium of fucking text,
he's just not happy meeting anywhere of your choosing.
How the mucky fuck are we meant to broker a truce if we can't agree on a location,
d'you know what I mean? Call him up,
tell him that the only agreeable option
is a neutral destination chosen by a third party.
What third party? What third party?! Do you know... Sorry.
It's cold weather out, hmm,
we'll go for a carvery -
everybody loves a carvery -
somewhere convivial, exposed beams, open fires.
Hmm? And if he agrees in principle, then we...
will chose a destination, randomly selected from the Internet.
Do you like a carvery? Hmm.
I'm particularly partial to a roasted parsnip.
But not everywhere does 'em, do they?
Yorkshire pudding, pigs in blankets, onion gravy, oof...
It's the shizz.
Reminds me of my dad you know, carvery after me mum fucked off.
That's sweet.He used to make me go down to The Wheatsheaf,
steal as much as I could.
Then we'd sit on the church steps and eat it.Mm.
Bonding. My dad used to whack me with the buckle end of the belt,
call me a fairy cake boy.
He loved a carvery.
I'll ring Kittens.
Right...
thank fuck we've got a venue.
Hey? Where is it to be, then?
The Highwayman - up Rampton way. It's a bit high in the hills,
especially in this weather, but apparently it does a very good carvery.
Sorry, who the fuck is Joey Kittens and why's Davey got a beef with him?
Long...
It's a long, init. Shall I just, in a nutshell.Hmm.
Go on. Alright.
In a nutshell. (CLEARS THROAT)
(TENSE MUSIC) A vacuum was created
by the untimely death of a local gangster...
One who we initially fell foul of by stealing his daughter's Shetland pony.
Isn't that right, Ashley? Yeah.
What the fuck? (HORN BEEPS)Concussion
Good times. We started selling and growing weed on his behalf.
Then, ultimately, turned against him and incarcerated him...
..by planting the severed head...
(SCREAMING)
..of the disgruntle employee into his wardrobe.
Well, well, well. What is this doing here?
As one does. Yeah.
Then into this void, stepped two men.
One Joseph Kittens and one Davey MacDonagh who, uh,
entered fierce territorial dispute.
One which, I dare say...
will not end harmoniously.
Very well done. Thank you very much,
just in a nutshell, you know what I mean?
Carvery, man, I bloody love a carvery.
Ooh!You smell the gravy, don't you? The gravy...
But listen, hey. the main thing is we've found a bloody location
where Davey McDonague and Joseph the Kittens
are gonna fucking meet, finally. Christ.
Carvery?
Course I like a carvery, who doesn't like a carvery?
Apple sauce, buttered spuds.. Hmm.
Roasties. Spaghetti.Ye... No.
That's not in there. When you going?
Tomorrow, 2:00pm.
Great, late lunch, a few cheeky Guinness.
Oh, Guinness, happy days, count me in.No.
You're not invited, Michael, you fucking jovial toad.
Alright, it's me whose angling for an invite...
You're not fucking going, either! No. No. No, if anyone's going,
it's me going. Sure, I was reared on a carvery,
it was purified and blended down in to a baby's bottle
and I would just suck it on it. Why would you do that?
It's full of nutrition. Shut up. Stop making fucking words.
You're not invited, this is a truce between two violent psychopaths,
alright? We're not going in there mobhanded. You can fuck off!
Dickheads!
# Why-y-y-y
# Lord
# Blood...
(CAR REVVING, CREAKING)
Fuckin' thing!
# Ahh, ha
# Oh, Lord
# In your veins
# Ooh
# I said why-y-y-y
# Lord
# Blood
# Running water Ahh, ha
# Oh, Lord. #
Woo-hoo-hoo!
It's fucking freezing.
OK ready? Ah!
I tell you what, he fucking better be in there.
Good God.
My trousers are soaking.
# DJ SHADOW & RUN THE JEWELS: Nobody Speak #
(DOG BARKS) Oh! Fucking hell!
Sorry about that - he's racist.
Well, that's ironic, seeing as the dog's black.(GROWLING)
You've got a racist dog? Don't blame me, sweetheart.
I like dark women - Rihanna, Whoopi Goldberg...
my fantasy threesome. (GROWLS)
Alright, then. It's nice to meet you, then.
I'm piss wet through.I know, love. I need to get these jeans off. Will you swap?
Fuck, no, I ain't swapping with you, you lunatic!Swap with me.
What, do you wanna wear my leggings? What?
Well, I've got leggings on underneath cos it's bloody Baltic out. I don't mind.
No, they're lady leggings, I will not be wearing those.
Go and put the fucking leggings on. Alright.Your lips are blue.
Fuck's sake. Son of a bitch.
DAVEY: Mr O'Neil...
Oh, my, my, my.
We have brought the full compliment.
It's just like the last supper...
but which one of you is Judas Iscariot...
Hmm?
Was the last supper a carvery? And what's with the entourage?
They wanted a fucking carvery, didn't they.
And well they might, Vincent, and well they might.
Stephen is back there now preparing it, up to his elbows in potato peel.
Isn't that right, Paula... Oh, Paula is the stand in landlady.
Kathryn and Jeremy are away for a few days -
Venice, mini break. Hmm.Oh, lovely.
Nice. Hang on a minute. Does that mean
the carvery's not gonna be as good as usual?No.
Kath and Jez left all the ingredients
and very detailed instructions...
my Stephen's a whizz in the kitchen. Hm.
How is it you're on first name terms with this landlady?
I came early, Vincent, to steady my nerves.
And Paula and Stephen have been the most convivial hosts.
Hey, come on. Let's take a seat, everyone.
It'll be fine to pull tables together, won't it, Paula?
Doesn't look like there's going to be a rush on.
Help yourselves. Is anyone else having the carvery?
I want... Me please...
MICK: Ham and turkey. I am starving.
Hey. Hey. That bloke in the corner,
spitting image of Lionel Ritchie. Oh, my God, I think it is!I'm sorry
to break it to you, but it's unlikely
that the American-based Commodores singer
is over there playing dominoes
in the corner of a remote Northern public house
in the middle of a fucking snow storm.
Do y'know what I mean? Maybe she offered a carvery.
Oh, fuck off, Michael.
What? Could be...
ASHLEY: Hello?
Are they alright?
Yeah, they're fine, they're just a little tight...
Well, is it... Are they just a bit short?
It's not that. It's not that.
Look you don't wanna know what's in here.
Oh, come on, can't be that bad. Let's have a...No, no, no.
Fucking 'ell. Wow, that is... That is quite something.
I know. My God, Ash. I mean,
God, I had no idea. We're gonna have to improvise.
I mean, yeah. Absolutely we will.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(TENSE WESTERN MUSIC)
(HORSE NEIGHS)
Let's get some drinks flowing, shall we?
Who wants a wine? They do a rather delicious French Shiraz.
I'll have a Guinness.Pint of lager. I'll have a Vodka slimline.
Oh, I'll have the same. Right. So, a red, a white,
pint of lager, pint of Guinness, and two vodka slimlines - magnifique.
Thank you, Davey. Thank you, Davey.
Thank you!Nice one, Davey.
Weird! Weird! Weird! Weird!
Fucking weird! He's been nicer than normal.He is.
Like he's on somert or somert. Maybe he is.
Maybe he's hoofing the chang on the sly.
Could be hoofing it.Or maybe not. Maybe he's just buzzed
about potentially brokering a truce
and finally getting out of my fucking flat upstairs above me pub. Jesus Christ.
Honestly, it stinks up there! Where's Kittens?
He's fucking late now. Should I ring him?
What do you reckon? I tell you what it'll be.
It'll be a power move, won't it?
He'll come swishing on in, in a pair of very inappropriate heels.
There's no fucking signal, anyway.
I'm gonna put some tunes on, cos it's like a fucking morgue in here.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(SINISTER MUSIC)
IAN: Where the fuck are you, Billy?
# FUN LOVIN' CRIMINALS: The Fun Lovin' Criminal #
# Yee-haw! #
Ah, for Go... What the fuck are you wearing?
I needed some extra coverage.
It's because of your long penis... Yes.
Oh.Oh, my God, have you seen the size of that thing?
Knocked me sick. Yeah.
It's upsetting. Fancy a game of darts?
No, I can't, love. I'm just here for carvery with some friends.
I believe it's very good. Oh, it is.
Kathryn and Jeremy do a fine carvery -
dollop of butter in their greens and a secret roasties glaze.
Some say they mix their love juices in it.
Right. Y'know...
It's not like them two to take a holiday - Jeremy hates flying.
And they only went away a month ago, down south,
Dorset I think, said they got an Indian Summer.
Right.
And then when I was leaving here last night, I said to Kath, I said,
"See you tomorrow, Kath." Do you know what she said?
No. "See you tomorrow."
Surprise trip... or anniversary?
# Stick 'em up, punk It's the fun lovin' criminal. #
LIZ: Here you go.
Not many in here today. Yeah. Yeah.
It's the snow. They're saying it's gonna dump down. To be honest
with yer, I nearly didn't open up today
because I actually had a very discombobulating experience back at the house.
What happened? Well, there was a knock at the door,
so I opened the door and there was a man standing there -
face like thunder and he says...
Do you live here? Well, yeah, obviously...
I live here and he says...
I live on the next street, our gardens back on to one another,
and I'm not being funny, but I can see everything
that goes on in this house.
So, I'm thinking,
what am I doing, y'know? My mind's racing cos
sometimes I do have a bit of a dance in the kitchen when I'm pissed,
but usually I have me clothes on. Anyway, then he says...
From my back window, we can see everything - and it needs to stop.
Now I'm in a panic, I'm like what have I done?
What needs to stop? I mean,
I do this like squirty cream thing sometimes, but I doubt it's that.
Anyway, then I remember...
I had climbing Ivy put in over the window for that very reason,
so I'm amazed you can see anything at all...
But Um... Yeah, come in, come through and have a look.
So, I took him through to me garden
and he looked at the climbing Ivy and he went...
I must be looking into next door.
And off he went,
as if he'd never even made an accusation.
What a knobhead. Yeah.
Begs to the question: what have next door been up to?
Exactly. What has gotta stop? What are they doing?
Something he doesn't like seeing.
Hm.
I kind of want to know what it is now.Yeah. Me too.
And me.
Was actually thinking of sitting in their garden and watching 'em,
but I don't want people thinking I'm like quack quack.
BOTH: I'll come with you. OK.
Davey, love, do you not think we should hang on
for Joey Kittens. I'm just thinking maybe-
Maybe he's changed his mind, Vincent.
He can be a very capricious creature, can Joey Kittens.
Now come on, dig in.
Right. Yes, no, listen,
I don't mean to be rude, but it does have the distinct whiff
of, um, sort of elderly persons breath.
You know what I mean, Stilton, in't it. So I might just, uh,
pop out and have cigarette, instead. Is that alright? Yeah.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
MAN: Hello.
Alright mate, yeah.
Fuck!
Fucking 'ell!
(WIND WHISTLING)
(MUFFLED GROANING, SHOUTING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) WEBVTT X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0
Hello.
(CROCKERY CLATTERING)
(SOFTLY) Hello...
Hello...
Hello?
(LOUDER) Hello.
(MAN GROANS) Fucking 'ell.
Shit.
Oh, my fucking God!
Fucking hell!
Oh, shit, that... that is bad.
Fucking 'ell, mate, that's a bad wound, that is...
You need... You need to get to hospital, mate.
Jesus Christ, that's a lot of blood.
(GROANS) Davey.
Davey?
Davey.
Right, OK. Fuck.
I don't know.
OK, put that on yourself, love. Press on that.
Stem the bleeding, stem the bleeding.
Ah, no, no. I'm gonna lift you up a little bit, sweetheart.
Lift yourself up, there we go! Ah, no, sorry, sorry, sorry.
You just...
I'm gonna call an ambulance. I'm gonna call...
Fuck, no signal.
Right.
Just...
Don't move. Right.
(TENSE MUSIC)
Vinnie... Vinnie,
did you want to have a look at the Highway Man memorabilia room?
Do I fuck, I'm tryna get through this liquid sadness here, aren't I..
In here...
Vinnie, come and have a look at The Highwayman memorabilia room.
Oh, yeah. No, I did say, um... Yeah, mentioned that I was interested
in the history of the... Tri corner hats.
The fuck's wrong with you? What's up? I'll tell you what's up.
Upstairs, in an upstairs room,
Joey Kittens is lying in a pool of real fucking blood,
with his guts hanging out, substantial stomach wound.
Fuck me, dude!
Well, hey, is he alive? For now...
yeah, meanwhile Davey is swanning about suspiciously upbeat,
saying to everyone that Joey hasn't arrived yet, when upstairs is a fucking bloodba-
Oi. Oi. Just...
Oh, my God. Look at them blades.
Oh... Oh...
Pistols up mounted with original bullets.
(MIMICS GUNFIRE) Shut up!
Problem? Yes, there's a fucking problem.
S'up? Joey Kittens
is bleeding to death from a fucking knife wound upstairs.
Davey has fucked us right up the anus.
Hang on a minute. The woman, you know the one with the mad eyebrow,
she said that the landlord and landlady never go abroad -
and that they should be here today. Right. Right.
The questions are these, where the fuck are they,
and who the fuck are Paula and Stephen.
Fuck me, dude.
One week after the burial,
Dick Turpin's body was dug up
and it was sold for illegal dissection.
Davey! Davey, what the fuck have you done man?!
You tell me, Monsieur?
He's fucking stabbed Joey Kittens.
He's upstairs, he's fucking bleeding out.
Is he alright? No, Sugar. Unsurprisingly, no.
He is urgent need of urgent medical attention, urgently.
Now, gentlemen, come on.
We've only just had the starter,
they haven't even wheeled the meat out, yet.Davey, for fuck's sake-
I'm just very disappointed in you, Vincent,
snooping around.
What the fuck?! Davey, for fuck's sake, man. This is crazy.
No! (ALL EXCLAIM)
Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, calm yourself. (WHISPERS) Shit!
You were all very excited
to come here for the highly-rated dining experience.
So I suggest, that you all take a seat,
and when Stephen wheels in the meat, we fill our boots, hmm?
Davey, just put the fucking knife down. Come on.
Listen, man, this is supposed to be a truce.
It's not exactly gonna happen if one of you ends up dead, is it?
Law of the jungle, garage boy -
eat or be eaten.
(TENSE WESTERN MUSIC)
Davey...
# HOWLIN' WOLF: Smokehouse Lightin' #
(WHEELS SQUEAKING)
Ladies and gentlemen, your carvery is served.
I must say, it looks great.
Give over, Michael! You great twat. Look what's going on. Fuck's sake.
Oi, where's the real landlady and landlord right now?
Look, everything will be fine, as long as
Kittens agrees to all of my demands!
Vincent, why don't you bring Shirley Temple over there.
I think she will be somewhat invested
in this particular conversation.
Right. Well, then, I wanna come.
No, thank you, little red riding hair. You just eat your greens.
And if anyone of you tries to raise the alarm,
then I'm just gonna carve these two like a doner kebab.
And I'm gonna turn this convivial country pub
into a scene of untold...
fucking carnage.
Okey-dokey?
Fuck me.
Oh, Stephen...
Mm!
What demands, Davey?
McCann's money is my money.
And I want Joey to agree
that I am in control of McCann's territory from now on.
And he's to send a message to all interested parties telling them
that that is the case. Davey, listen to me.
He's not gonna agree to any of that.
And why the fuck, why have you dragged Fay up here, for God's sake?
I think you'll be surprised...
what people will do when they feel their life force...
..ebbing away...
Uncle J! Oh, fuck!
Uncle J, Uncle J... Davey, what the fuck?!
You alright. Look at me. Look at me. Fay,
is Joey Kittens is your Uncle?
Yeah, I don't fucking know him as that - he's my Uncle J.
Nice family reunion.
You need to help him. He's fucking bleeding out!
Can you hear me? Can you hear me?
This is bad, Ashley. This is very, very, very fucking bad.
And, actually, I would go as far to say,
I fear for our lives, mate.
Ah, Davey's losing his fucking mind in there,
and there is fuck all we can do about it. I don't know.
(TENSE WESTERN MUSIC)
Here, we'll ask him? No. No. Ashley!Hey, how are yer?
We don't know who he is, do we, love?
Hello, there!
Are you... (CHUCKLES) Are you here for the carvery?
Am I fuck. Looking for my brother-in-law.
Does he have a racist dog?
Or perhaps an eye patch?
Does he like Lionel Ritchie?
No. No.
But he was here first thing this morning
and according to his wife's tracker, he's still here.
Right, well, their windows are the same as mine,
and him back there says he can see straight into it. So I reckon
if we hide down the side of that shed,
we should be able to get a perfect view.
Side of the shed? Hmm.
Why not inside the shed. It's got a window.
It's got a padlock, Jim. Padlock?
I can have that fucker off in two seconds flat.
Are you seriously suggesting breaking and entering someone's private property?
Yes, I fucking well am!
Fine, it's fucking freezing.
Yeah, it is.
Piece of piss Let me in.
There you go, a fucking heater. Hey, and a kettle.
Bingo and look at that, perfect view.
Now all we've got to do is sit here and wait.
Ta-da!
Beers for the boys...
pina colada for the lady.
Cheers. BOTH: Cheers
(SINISTER MUSIC)
Davey, please. Please, dude. This is fucking insane!
Let's just talk about this like reasonable fucking human beings.
Simple fix here, Joey.
Seriously? Seriously, you wanna fucking die!
Listen, Davey, please, I'm begging you.
He needs fucking help. He's bleeding out.
He wanted me dead, made plans to make it happen - by you.
What the fuck are you talking about, you twisted fuck?!
Joey! Joey! he's gonna leave you to fucking bleed out, dude.
(GROANS) Closer, closer...
(MUTTERING)
What's he saying?
He said to tell Davey to...
fuck his dead brother.
(LAUGHS)
Fuck my dead brother?
(LAUGHS)
Okey-dokey.
(GRUNTS, SCREAMS)
The fuck, fucking stop! Dude.
What the fuck... Davey.
Davey. Davey. For fuck's sake dude, you are going too far.Get in here.
Now stay the fuck there.
Fucking 'ell are you locking her in there for?
Vinnie, Vinnie! What do you fucking want now?
A bloke's just arrived looking for his brother-in-law, he says he disappeared this morning.
Disappeared? Oh, how strange (!)
I'll have a word with him.Oh! Fuck me in the arse.
Get out of here, your big fat hands. What the fuck is going on?!
What they doing? Not much.
She's fucking about on her phone and he's doing a bit of cooking.
Oh, what... what are they having?
Looks like some poncy omelette.
Ah. Knock. Knock.
I can see everything that goes on in your house
and it's fuck boring. (LAUGHS)
Well, I don't mind.
I got me drinks, I got me snacks,
got me two hunky boys for company.
Him hunky?
I've seen more meat on an anorexic pencil.Hey, fucking lean me.
No, you've got a great body, for a man your age.
Thank you. And you, you've got lovely hair.
My ex-husband, he had long hair. It's like Samson.
Fucking Delilah more like. Looks a right cunt.
Oh, it's alright for you men.
When you get to my age, as a women,
everyone just looks right through you.
No, you're still worth one. You're still a good looking woman. Aw, thanks boys.
How long have you been split, then, if you don't mind my asking? Oh, years and years.
I had a lover when Sugar was little. What a man.
Wow. He really knew what to do in the downstairs department.
He's dead now, sadly.
Do you ever try and speak to him? She's just told you he's fucking dead.
Yeah. You can speak with the dead.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Seances. Hold them every month at my farm, with select friends.
He's talking shite.
When you're dead, you're fucking dead.
Your fucking heart stops, your brain stops,
then they fucking burn you.
And that's all there is to it.
Can we try it, though? (GRUMBLES)
Shall we give it a whirl?
(MUMBLES) Fucking 'ell.
# MUDDY WATERS: Mannish Boy #
My brother-in-law's a delivery driver - local pies and quiches.
Delivers to this place every other day.
Look... today...
..he never left.
Ooh.
Well, sometimes they don't update those things, do they?
Especially in bad signal. It's probably the weather playing havoc.
Something's wrong... I can feel it in me piss.
What a masterful grasp you have
of the English language, that's rare...
in a manual worker. What is your name?
Ian. I'll tell you what I'll do for you,
Ian, I will go and ask the landlord,
hmm? Why don't you get yourself a...
a nice pint of bitter?
(TENSE MUSIC)
I don't wanna pint of bitter,
I want to look around. It says he's here, so he must be here.
Unless you've got something to hide.
Oh, you're referring to my designer Chelseas.
Well, that's just from where I was cutting up the meat for the succulent carvery.
But if you really want to have a look around this establishment,
why don't you just ask Paula, the landlady, and if she agrees,
knock yourself out.
I'd like to look around, please. Well... (SIGHS)
I'm quite busy here... so... I'd rather you didn't-
I want... to look.
Come on, then.
Follow me.
I've got a bad, bad feeling about this.
Me too. Fucking 'ell.
There's two people bleeding profusely upstairs.
What's he gonna do? Show them to pie man's
unfeasibly large brother-in-law?
We need help. We need help. Listen,
stay with here, I'm gonna go see if we can find some reception.Alright.
Shall we? Yeah.
(TENSE MUSIC) (SIGHS) Oh, fuck me.
(EXHALES)
(KEYBOARD CLICKING) Oh, shit.
Oh, no, fucker.
So, this is where the magic happens. (BELL JINGLES)
What's down there? Cellar, storage rooms, y'know.
Might he have gone down there for some reason?
Unlikely, delivering pies.
Can I have a look?
Be my guest.
# HOZIER: It Will Come Back #
Alright, lads. Sorry, do you mind if we follow?
Just I've always wanted to see what the inside
of a real pub cellar looks like.
If you insist.
As you can see, nothing but barrels, crates and, well,
an abundance of cheese and onion crisps.
# Howling outside your door...
What's in there? No idea.
I wanna see inside.
It seems unlikely, Ian,
that your brother-in-law would get himself into a...
tiny room in a pub cellar and then just somehow
accidentally get locked inside, don't you think?
Even so... can we open it?
Okey dokey.
I think I've got the key here somewhere.
# Don't you hear me howling, babe?
# Don't you hear me howling, babe? #
(SCREAMING)
Oh! Davey, what the fu...
(BANGING)
(MUFFLED) Open this door!
What fresh hell's this now?
Well, in a nutshell.
We've had two stabbings, a kidnap and a couple imprisoned.
Kathryn and Jez. Oh, fucking 'ell.
IAN: Hey, let me out!
The fuck are they doing in there, then?Long story, Vincent.
It's a fucking long story, is it?
Calm yourself down. Nobody's gonna get hurt. They can breathe in there.
What a sweetheart. Fuck you,
Stephen, you beady eyed bastard. Oi!What?
He's lost his fucking mind. I fucking know that.
Get them poor bastards out. I'll go and deal with the psychopath.
Davey! Davey, love... How?!
Oh, like that. Right, yeah.
Ooh, fucking hell.
(HUSHED) Davey! Davey! Davey!
Davey! Listen, just tell me what's happening.
If the real landlord and landlady are fucking bound and gagged downstairs,
who the fuck are Paula and Stephen, man?My cousins.
Your cousins. That's right.
When the venue was agreed upon, then I had an epiphany.
Remote pub run by an ageing couple,
I realised this might be the chance I'd been waiting for.
So I came up last night on a recce.
Ah, perfect.
Got talking to Kathyrn and Jeremy, lovely couple.
Pretended I was opening my own gastro pub.
Asked a few casual questions,
and they were only too happy to answer.
Once the cleaner's gone of a morning, it's just me and Kath...
prepping all the food, getting the bar fully stocked...
# THE BLACK ANGELS: Bad Vibration #
So I slept in my car and first thing,
Stephen and Paula arrived.
And we waited... until...
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Hello?
Oh, fuck!
I didn't see anything, I swear.
You fucking pushed him off a fucking cliff?Did I say cliff?
I said gully.
Fucking hell.
Is he alive? He wasn't in the van, Vincent.Urgh.
Where is he? He's in a safe location.
He was in danger of fucking everything up.
Sante. Sante.
(GROANS)
Change of plan, Joey.
The pub only serves carvery till 2:00pm,
so you need to arrive by 1:30pm. Toodle-oo.
(DOOR OPENS)
Joey, Henchman.
I'm afraid that Vincent hasn't arrived yet,
it's probably the weather.
May I buy you a beverage, while we're waiting?
Hmm? (DOG GROWLS)
Why not.
Between 17:35 and 17:37...
(SPEECH DISTORTS)
..but nobody knows for sure.
Fascinating.
You feeling OK, Joey?
You fucker.
Ryan, kill the twat.
What you waiting for, Ryan?
Kill the twat.
That's another one! Where's he?
Outside, in the boot of my car. Oh, you...
Go on, then. What happened?
Joey Kittens, this is what I want you to do,
and if you do not agree, then you and this...
..carvery food spike thing
are gonna become very acquainted.
Yes? 'Yes, Davey.'
'Yes.' Shall I, uh...
start heating the puddings yet? Fuck me, Stephen.
Why don't you go and see how they're getting on with their mains? there's a good boy.
Why did you even carry on with the fucking carvery,
if you've stabbed him already, do you know what I mean?
(TENSE MUSIC)
"There's knocking at the gate.
Come, come, come, come...
give me your hand.
What's done cannot be undone."
Hmm.
That's really scary.
Lady Macbeth.
Fuck me, Lady Macbeth. For God's sake!
This is fucked, it's unhinged!
Alright, and it's not you. This isn't you, you're not a killer. You're not!
Well, I'm very touched by this outpouring
of concern for me, Vincent.
And yes, things have got a tad out of control. But...
why don't you just go back there and enjoy the carvery
while I sit here, and try and figure out a way to resolve things.
Alright. Well, if you mean that, you'll give me an hug.
Come on.
It's not like you to be shy is it. Come on.
It's not that is it? Christ.
(SIGHS) Alright, man.
(SINISTER MUSIC)
Are there any spirits here today?
No, but she's got a pina colada. You can't speak,
it scares 'em away.Does it really, the imaginary spirits.
Jim, please. Are there any spirits here today?
(INHALES SHARPLY)
Yes. There are spirits.
Is it someone known to the living in the room?
(INHALES SHARPLY) (GASPS)
It is someone known. Well, now there's a fucking surprise.
Hey, and if they're known to me what the fuck are they doing hanging about
in her next door neighbour's garden shed?
Jim!
What is your name?
P...A...U...L.
Is it Paulie? Is it.... Is it Paulie Turner?
Yeah, Who... Who... Who's Paulie?
He's my ex-lover that I told you about.
I can't believe it. No, neither can I.
Paulie! Is it you?
I'm feeling a voice saying yes. (GASPS)
He's says he misses you. Oh.
And he's asking if there anything you'd like to say to him.
Is there anything from the afterlife that he wants me to know?
(INHALES SHARPLY)
He says life is short.
You must do what you've always wanted to do,
before it's too late.
He says... (INHALES SHARPLY)
No, no, no. (INHALES SHARPLY) He's fading.
He's fading. He's fading. (GASPS)
He's gone. Oh, for fuck's sake.
Do what I've always wanted to do...
Um, I mean that... I did... I did tell him...
I asked him to do it, but he said he...
he did want to so...
What was that, then?
Well...
It's a bit out there.
(DOORBELL DINGS)
(DISTANT SHOUTING)
(GRUNTING)
Yeah! Fucking have it.
(MOANING)
Dirty bastard.
Go on, go on, go on.
(ALL GRUNTING, MOANING)
Oh, my fucking God.
No.
No, no, no. Come on!
Harder!
Lovely, thank you.
Very romantic, that. (CHUCKLES) Thanks.
We've tried, but it's like Fort fucking Knox down there.
(WAILS)
No one's getting out of there without a key.
Shit! (BELL CHIMING)
What the fuck's this now?
(BELL RINGING FRANTICALLY)
Now I'm sorry to interrupt everybody's day.
But there's good news and bad news.
Now the good news is
because the snow is getting heavier,
Paula and Stephen are offering everybody
in the bar a free drink!
MICK: Happy days.
The bad news is...
No fucker...
..leaves this pub... Shit.
..until I fucking say so!
(GUN COCKS) WEBVTT X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0
(TENSE WESTERN MUSIC)
(WIND WHISTLING)
There's no cause for alarm, hmm?
Just put your mobiles into the coal bucket
that Paula is bringing around.
We have a bit of a situation unfolding,
but we do not want anybody panicking.
There's no signal, anyway.
Don't look so glum, hmm?
You've got your free drinks.
Blitz spirit, all in it together.
Ooh! Who can sing? Somebody sing us a song!
Impressions, then.
Yes. I'm a talented comedian,
King of the One Liners. JJ: Shut the fuck up, man.
Things are bad enough, you're just gonna set him off. What was that, JJ?
Oh, do you want to come up, is that what it is?
Oh, come on. Don't be shy. No, thank you.
I really don't have, like, a party trick or anything.
Poppycock.
You came at me once, do you remember, because of her.
You knocked me onto my derriere.
You have depths we haven't seen yet.
Well, come on, everybody. Give him a round of applause.
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
The stage is yours, young man.
(TENSE WESTERN MUSIC)
(ATTEMPTS BEATBOXING)
(WHISPERS) Go in to my back left-hand pocket, there's a key.
There's a bedroom upstairs and Fay's in it, she's hurt.
What the fuck. Was it Davey? She's gonna live,
but she needs checking on. You need to go, now.
He's gonna fucking notice me, isn't he?I'll cover for you. Go now.
Do you have anything else? (MIMICS BIRD COOS)
Now.
Oh, my fucking God. Oh, shit. (GROANS)
(WHISPERS) Fuck. Fuck.
(LOCK RATTLING)
Oh, shit.
My God, Fay. Fuck, my God. Are you OK?
I am grand. Grand. Grand. Shit. Fuck.
Where's Davey? (STUTTERS) He's downstairs.
He's got the whole fucking pub hostage.
I don't think we're gonna be able to get out.
Do you wanna bet?
(MUTTERS) Jesus fucking Christ.
Is it an elephant? An Elephant?
Fuck me! just get him off!
I fucking have jokes, proper good fucking jokes.
So give him a chance! He's got a great banger about a pope and a rat-
How about you sing us a song?
I don't sing songs. Well, tough shit,
sweet cheeks, because that is what I want.
Someone must be able to give us a fucking song!
Who can sing us a song? Go on, then.
Why me?Come on, do us a nice little ditty, hmm?
Something to keep the fucking mood light, cheer us all up.
(ALARM BLARES) (DOG BARKS)
What's that? Probably nothing.
Nothing?
That isn't nothing. That is a fucking alarm, sweetheart.
And where is she? Hmm?
Little orphan Annie, where is she?
Where is she?She's gone to the toilet for a piss, man.
Toilet? Yes.
Yes!
Knife.
Stephen, you keep these fuckers here.
Vincent.
(ALARM BLARING) (DOG BARKING)
Fuck.
Careful, Vinnie.
Stephen, do you wanna hear some funny jokes?
Yeah. Yeah. Do... Do your jokes.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
Fucking cunts!
Is this you, Vincent?
Fuck, no. No, it's-
I have finally found our Judas Iscariot?God's sake, Davey.
I was in the fucking bar with you seconds ago!
How could it be me?!
Let me tell you a story...
Fuck's sake.
(RATTLING)
Everyone thinks Judas
hanged himself out of remorse for what he did to Jesus.
That's not the truth.
No, the truth... The truth is...
Oh, fuck, Davey! What the fuck?!
Vincent!
Fuck! The truth is he was found dead
in the field that he bought with the stolen money
and his intestines spewing out of his body.
Revenge? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Surely one of the disciples wouldn't cause such butchery?
Someone did. Hmm?
Someone found the betraying cunt and pulled his insides outside.
Davey, I'm not Judas, am I? And you're certainly not fucking Jesus.
I mean, honestly, if they've gone just let them go, I say.
Let them go...?
I think you're forgetting the ostrich head
and the threat on my life, Vincent.
(ALARM BLARING) What's the problem with eating a clock?
We have to do something here. I don't like that Vinnie's out there with Davey on his own.
What are you thinking?
I'll create a distraction... then we'll all pile out, yeah?
Alright.Why did the frog get the bus to work?
Because his car got toad.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Mick Dennings, the pride of the Emerald Isle.
Wasn't he fantastic?
Do you wanna see Uncle Ashley do a juggling trick?Oh, yes!
Yes. Yes. Juggling, for fuck's sake.
Yes! Go on.
I think they want to see Uncle Ashley...
doing empty pint glass juggling trick.
Yeah. Yeah.Good man.
Now I've got one pint glass, do I have a second...
Curtis Plum, you are a legend.
Thank you. Stephen, if you don't mind.Yeah. Yeah, use that one.
Now, it's a very simple set of...
(SIGHS) Butter fingers.
You know what, I hate when things just fall down and smash!
(GRUNTS) Ahh!
PAULA: Bastard! Stop.
Shit. She's down! Get away from this danger!
(DOG BARKING) Fucking hell!
God Almighty.
K-9! Racist K-9.
# LITTLE RICHARD: Money Honey #
# Money honey, woo... #
(COUGHS)
Vin? Vinnie?
Vin?
Can't see a fucking thing. Vin?
Oi, look. Footprints this way.
(TENSE MUSIC)
How can it just stop? They must be nearby.
I know, but just listen, dude. I think we should go back.
We need a fucking warm up. We'll have a cup of tea.
We'll just talk about all this, try and figure it out. It's out of hand.
Vinnie! Fucking hell.
Vin! Fuck.
Vinnie! Vin.
Vinnie.
Gotcha ya.
You can't hide forever, Joseph.
(BREATHING WILDLY)
Where are you?
Oh, fu...
(WHISPERS) Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck me.
Oh, no, fucking 'ell.
Joey, I am so sorry, bud. Fuck me.
Phone...
Must... (GUN COCKS)
Hey... You knew.
Didn't you?(STUTTERS) Just... You knew he was gonna do this!
Just let's put that down. Just put the fucking gun down.
He was my Uncle!Yeah, I know. I didn't know, I had no idea.
Now he's fucking dead! Fay. Fay.
Listen to me, listen, I had know idea he was your uncle.
I'm really fucking sorry. Listen,
Davey's a fucking nut case, he's a law unto himself, he's a fucking-
You fucking double crossed us! I swear to God almighty, I didn't.
I thought I heard voices.
Fuck! (GUN COCKS)
One more move, sweetheart, I'll blow her fucking head off.
Then I'll... I'll blow his fucking head off.
You seem to be under the impression that that would concern me.
Well, it fucking concerns me.
Oi.
Put that gun down.
You wouldn't dare.
Put the gun down.You haven't got the bottle, Vincent.Put the gun down.
(TENSE MUSIC)
Do you know, a couple of months ago
we were on the edge of a fucking cliff and a shit rusty old bus
and we all nearly died.
And when we got off, we vowed to live our lives to the full
and not get wrapped up with fucking psychopaths...
that'll try shoot us!
Now I am telling you for the last time -
put that fucking gun down!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Vinnie?! Vinnie?!
(GUNSHOT)
(BIRDS SQUAWKING)
(WIND WHISTLING)
(SOMBRE MUSIC)
# GLEN HANSARD: You Will Become #
'This is my family. Here.'
(LAUGHTER)
'You're the ones that cheer me up when I am sad.'
I tell you what, it's actually quite cosy this place ain't it?Yeah.
You are never gonna believe this...
We've only gone and done it, it is the right room.
'You're the ones who put a smile on my face when I feel like shit.'
I love you, dude. I love you, too, man.
Look after yourself, yeah?
I love you.
I care for you.
You're my dad?
Yeah, I am. Yeah.
Right, I will see you soon.
Yeah.
ERIN: Do you want to do it? Yeah.
Yeah? Yes. I want to do Titanic.
It's quite nice, in't it?
It's like we're flying, in't it?
I always think about what you whispered.
(WHISPERS) 34%...
..was always...
ECHOES: enough.
(BIRDS SQUAWKING)
(WIND WHISTLING)
# SIR JOE QUARTERMAN: (I Got) So Much Trouble In My Mind #
Subtitles by Sky Access Services www.skyaccessibility.sky