1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,960 The following programme contains very strong language and adult humour. 2 00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:13,600 - What do you wanna talk about? - (INHALES) Betrayal. 3 00:00:14,671 --> 00:00:16,735 ERIN: (ON VIDEO) Manolito wants our weed. 4 00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:19,880 He wants to get rid of the MacDonaghs, divide and conquer. 5 00:00:19,926 --> 00:00:21,360 Listen, Manolito knows. 6 00:00:21,361 --> 00:00:23,920 - He knows that you know about him. - Be careful. 7 00:00:25,035 --> 00:00:26,175 Fuck it. 8 00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:28,399 Vin. Vin. Vin. Vin. Vin! 9 00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:30,440 (SIRENS WAIL) 10 00:00:32,113 --> 00:00:35,280 MANOLITO: A situation has arisen with Vincent O'Neill. 11 00:00:36,940 --> 00:00:38,540 MCCANN: Do whatever you need to do. 12 00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:49,020 (DOOR SLAMS) 13 00:00:55,740 --> 00:00:59,020 ♪ BARRETT STRONG: Money (That's What I Want) ♪ 14 00:00:59,060 --> 00:01:00,780 (SIGHS) 15 00:01:03,340 --> 00:01:06,599 ♪ The best things in life are free 16 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,460 ♪ But you can give them to the birds and bees 17 00:01:09,500 --> 00:01:12,860 ♪ I need money ♪ That's what I want 18 00:01:12,900 --> 00:01:16,620 ♪ That's what I want ♪ That's what I want 19 00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:20,700 ♪ That's what I wa-a-nt ♪ That's what I want 20 00:01:20,740 --> 00:01:23,020 ♪ That's what I want ♪ That's what I want... 21 00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:30,080 - Let's have a look. - (LAUGHING) It's erotic. 22 00:01:31,100 --> 00:01:34,940 ♪ I need money ♪ That's what I want 23 00:01:34,980 --> 00:01:38,340 ♪ That's what I want ♪ That's what I want 24 00:01:38,380 --> 00:01:42,060 ♪ That's what I wa-a-nt ♪ That's what I want 25 00:01:42,115 --> 00:01:45,355 ♪ That's what I want ♪ That's what I want... ♪ 26 00:01:45,380 --> 00:01:47,300 (SIGHS) 27 00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:50,360 (WHISTLING TO "Money") 28 00:01:51,380 --> 00:01:53,100 (ZIP FASTENS) 29 00:01:57,980 --> 00:01:59,700 (WHISTLING CONTINUES) 30 00:02:04,140 --> 00:02:05,860 (DRAMATIC MUSIC) 31 00:02:07,573 --> 00:02:09,173 PASLOWSKI: Now then... 32 00:02:11,860 --> 00:02:13,460 (HUSHED) What the fuck? 33 00:02:19,420 --> 00:02:20,500 Clingfilm? 34 00:02:24,235 --> 00:02:26,155 (BONES CRACK) 35 00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:28,300 (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ON LAPTOP) 36 00:02:28,340 --> 00:02:32,620 INSTRUCTOR: "Ooh, let me see you stretch those legs apart. 37 00:02:32,660 --> 00:02:34,820 - "And bend over." - Oh, no. 38 00:02:34,860 --> 00:02:38,380 - "Ooh, yeah... Ooh, yeah." - Oh, no, please, no. 39 00:02:38,420 --> 00:02:40,220 Dirty motherfucker. 40 00:02:40,260 --> 00:02:42,060 Go on, stretch it, love. Go on. 41 00:02:42,100 --> 00:02:44,100 - "I'm bad news." - Oh, God. 42 00:02:44,140 --> 00:02:46,559 CARDI: I thought the plan were to plant these at Manolito's. 43 00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:49,735 It was, but then we had a really serious upside-downy crash. 44 00:02:49,775 --> 00:02:51,915 So, we need a minute now, love. Listen, these minges paintings 45 00:02:51,916 --> 00:02:53,520 need putting on fucking ice, you know. 46 00:02:53,569 --> 00:02:54,915 Hang on, hang on, hang on, 47 00:02:54,940 --> 00:02:57,479 - Whitney Houston, we have a problem. - What's the problem? 48 00:02:57,480 --> 00:03:00,260 The problem is thus, Ashley. That fucking massive canvas is not 49 00:03:00,300 --> 00:03:02,479 - gonna fit down a tiny little hole, is it? - Course it will. 50 00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:04,060 You just need to... angle it in. 51 00:03:04,115 --> 00:03:05,995 Erin, Erin, it doesn't matter about angling, 52 00:03:06,020 --> 00:03:08,740 - it's fucking physics i'nt it, love? - Shut up! It's fucking open? 53 00:03:08,780 --> 00:03:11,020 Why is it open? Who left that up? 54 00:03:11,060 --> 00:03:12,820 Stretch and pull. (INSTRUCTOR MOANING) 55 00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:15,380 "Stretch, stretch it, pull, pull!" (MOANS) 56 00:03:15,405 --> 00:03:18,119 Doors wide open and all the fucking lights on. 57 00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:20,420 - (SHUSHES) Someone's there. - What? 58 00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:22,840 - Someone's in there. - It's probably just Jim. 59 00:03:22,895 --> 00:03:25,679 No, look, we've just done big robbery though, haven't we? Carol's right. 60 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:27,039 Could be a fucking bad man. 61 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,104 Or a woman. Or a trans woman. 62 00:03:29,157 --> 00:03:30,695 Do you... Are we having this now? 63 00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:33,839 - "Yeah, baby!" (MOANS ON LAPTOP) - Go on. Stretch it, pull it. 64 00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:37,922 Hang about a minute, if I'm not mistaken, that there is the sound 65 00:03:37,923 --> 00:03:41,450 of a faked female orgasm from circa, I'm gonna say, 1983. 66 00:03:41,451 --> 00:03:44,399 Why would a 1980s woman be faking a creamer in the weed bunker? 67 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:46,000 - Creamer? - Yeah. 68 00:03:46,025 --> 00:03:47,865 (MOANING CONTINUES ON LAPTOP) 69 00:03:47,890 --> 00:03:48,890 (MOANS) 70 00:03:48,915 --> 00:03:51,315 - ALL: Ugh, oh, my God. - Sorry. 71 00:03:51,340 --> 00:03:52,759 - Fucking hell. - I can't stop it. 72 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:54,119 Don't finish it! (MOANS) 73 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:56,999 - Fucking hell, mate. - Ohhh... 74 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:58,919 Well I can't un-see that now, can I? 75 00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:02,239 - Hey, don't try and wank-shame me. - You should be terribly ashamed. 76 00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:05,079 Be ashamed, you've brought fucking Vaseline. 77 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:06,679 It's perfectly natural. 78 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,919 Having a wank doesn't make me a bad person. 79 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:11,439 It fucking does when you're doing it in someone's workplace. 80 00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:13,519 You've got your lube there and cling filmed up 81 00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:15,639 - your own fucking laptop for it. - So bad. 82 00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:17,399 - I'm sorry... - I'm sorry. I'm gonna get a mop 83 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:19,999 because I can't have your jizzy smears in my general vicinity. 84 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,802 - Just wiping his hands. - It's not nice. 85 00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:23,230 What are you even fucking doing 'ere? 86 00:04:23,231 --> 00:04:25,919 - Oh, my sister's visiting. - Yeah, but it doesn't fucking mean 87 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:28,319 you can just come down 'ere and blow fucking loads 88 00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:30,560 all over the shagging place, does it? 89 00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:32,960 Why have you brought special wank shoes? 90 00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:34,679 (GUN COCKS) 91 00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:36,320 They're not mine. Mine are at home. 92 00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:40,919 (THEY SHRIEK) 93 00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:43,080 You motherfuckers underestimated me. 94 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:45,100 You decided to cross me... 95 00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:47,280 well now, you're gonna pay. 96 00:04:48,380 --> 00:04:50,359 - Oh... - Er... 97 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:52,160 (GUNSHOT) 98 00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:55,920 (GENTLE ROCK MUSIC) 99 00:04:59,940 --> 00:05:01,480 The duckies... 100 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:04,559 - Hiya, love. - Hiya. 101 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:06,959 You alright? (CRIES) 102 00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:09,600 What's up with you now? (CRIES) 103 00:05:12,553 --> 00:05:13,833 Poo scenario. 104 00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:17,160 (SNIFFS) Have you had a poo? 105 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:19,279 (COOS)You have had a p... 106 00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:21,359 It's not a problem. It's not a problem. 107 00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:23,799 Little... Did you...? Ooh, fuck, whaaa...(COOS) 108 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:25,399 Argh, no, wow. 109 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:27,640 (COOS) Contain. 110 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:31,220 (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS ON SPEAKERS) Oh, Christ. 111 00:05:32,333 --> 00:05:35,120 - Oh, hey up. It's been a while, hasn't it! - Hey. 112 00:05:35,551 --> 00:05:37,818 - You alright? - Yeah, I'm alright. Yeah. 113 00:05:37,843 --> 00:05:38,945 What's happening? 114 00:05:38,970 --> 00:05:41,519 - Had my face pissed on a little bit. - Didn't know you had a baba. 115 00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:43,880 He's not mine. You remember Sugar, who cleaned your house? 116 00:05:43,926 --> 00:05:44,880 Pregnant one? 117 00:05:44,881 --> 00:05:47,199 Yeah, that's the badger. I'm just looking after it, aren't I? 118 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:50,752 Cos she's busy, and JJ, dad, he's... 119 00:05:50,945 --> 00:05:52,239 He's away so... 120 00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:54,212 Mad, I was thinking about you just yesterday. 121 00:05:54,237 --> 00:05:55,340 How come? 122 00:05:55,365 --> 00:05:58,239 Yeah, I'm doing a rat job up at Bletchley Dale and erm... 123 00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:00,079 There's this old fella, Maurice Finch. 124 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:02,599 I've known him for years, but for some reason, yesterday, 125 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:04,839 he just starts telling me he used to be a career criminal. 126 00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:05,760 Oh, aye, yeah. 127 00:06:05,809 --> 00:06:07,815 Some of the mad stories he was coming out with, 128 00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:10,079 and I thought you would get a proper buzz outta meeting him. 129 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:12,760 - Fuck yeah, let's do it. - I'm bobbing up there after. 130 00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:14,679 - When are you dropping the nipper back? - Couple of hours. 131 00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:15,720 I can't fucking wait. 132 00:06:15,745 --> 00:06:17,160 - I bet. - Uh-uh. 133 00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:27,078 So, this is where retired criminals go, is it? 134 00:06:27,103 --> 00:06:28,990 Bletchley Dale Estate, with your fucking red 135 00:06:29,030 --> 00:06:31,310 1970s Capri out front. Christ. 136 00:06:31,350 --> 00:06:33,640 There we are. (CLEARS THROAT) 137 00:06:34,070 --> 00:06:36,870 (BELL RINGS) Dong ding. 138 00:06:39,070 --> 00:06:40,640 - Now then. - Hey up, Maurice. 139 00:06:40,690 --> 00:06:42,190 Vinnie, I were telling you about. 140 00:06:42,215 --> 00:06:43,975 (LAUGHS) I'm not, listen... 141 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,640 And there were a fucking bloke, with a tiny moustache 142 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:48,360 and a bell end for a bell end. 143 00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:51,640 - Lowry minge paintings? - Fucking eh. Yeah man. 144 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:53,480 So, go on, tell me your game then? 145 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:56,080 - Booze and fags was our bread and butter. - Mm. 146 00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:57,839 Back in the '80s, when everyone smoked, 147 00:06:57,840 --> 00:06:59,520 we were smuggling in millions. 148 00:06:59,617 --> 00:07:00,895 But I'll tell you this, Vinnie. 149 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:04,239 Nothing will ever achieve what my grandad achieved. 150 00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:05,920 He was a great thief. 151 00:07:06,233 --> 00:07:07,573 Well, go on then. 152 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:09,680 Yeah. You can't leave us fucking hanging. 153 00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:11,856 You gotta tell us about your grandad. 154 00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:14,160 You look like a man who can keep a secret. 155 00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,080 - Fucking right. - But you must tell no one. 156 00:07:16,105 --> 00:07:16,797 Uh-uh. 157 00:07:16,923 --> 00:07:18,560 Swear on the rat catcher's life. 158 00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:22,280 - Don't swear on my life. - 110%, swear on his life. 159 00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:24,200 - Wow. - No one loves you anyway. 160 00:07:26,039 --> 00:07:28,039 Fucking hell's bells. 161 00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:31,519 - Who's are all these then? - I've no idea. 162 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:34,560 I got 'em from knocking off a trophy shop.(LAUGHS) 163 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:37,360 They're all a cover for this bad boy. 164 00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:39,560 - (RUMMAGING) - Where's he going? 165 00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:47,200 Oh... But I mean... I'm... What is it? 166 00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:50,560 One of the greatest achievements in the art of thievery, 167 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:53,159 the original FA Cup. 168 00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:55,000 - You're fucking joking. - No fucking way. 169 00:07:55,055 --> 00:07:58,335 Stolen on September the 12th, 1895. 170 00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:01,463 By my grandfather, Tobias Finch, and three other men. 171 00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:05,236 Rumours of its whereabouts have circulated ever since. 172 00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:07,280 Can I have a...? Can I have hold of it? 173 00:08:07,305 --> 00:08:08,865 - As long as you don't drop it. - No. 174 00:08:08,935 --> 00:08:10,176 Just be careful. 175 00:08:10,201 --> 00:08:11,320 (TROPHY THUDS) Woah. 176 00:08:11,383 --> 00:08:12,575 Fucking hell, Maurice. 177 00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:14,880 Dude, that is... Oh, my God. 178 00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:16,200 (WHISPERS) That's insane. 179 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:19,400 Has that been in your family and hidden, this whole time? 180 00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:22,400 - How did they get hold of it? - Well, gentlemen... 181 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:26,600 ...therein lies a tale. 182 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,440 - Hm. - But remember your promise... 183 00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:31,000 you can't tell a living soul. 184 00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:32,640 - I swear on his life. - Don't swear on it. 185 00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:34,615 The actual FA cup. 186 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:37,000 I have been trusted with that information. 187 00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:41,680 So, I'd like to see the zip gesture, please. Come on. 188 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:44,200 How the fuck did they steal a fucking cup? 189 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:46,480 Oh, it's sick, dude, listen to this shit. So... 190 00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:49,160 It was just past midnight, and rumbles of thunder 191 00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:51,879 disturbed the skies over Birmingham. 192 00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:55,599 Four masked men stood in the darkness, on a flat roof. 193 00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:58,280 Above a boot and shoe shop in New Town Row. 194 00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:01,440 Before smashing a hole in the ceiling. 195 00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:03,520 Two men, one of them my grandfather, 196 00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:06,920 lowered themselves into the deserted shop. 197 00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:10,040 And there, mounted on a stand, 198 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:14,735 was the original Football Association Challenge Cup. 199 00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:16,880 Now, the question you might ask is... 200 00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:19,200 What's the original FA Cup doing in a shop in Birmingham? 201 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:24,000 Five months earlier, Aston Villa played their arch rivals, West Brom, 202 00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:26,455 in the 24th FA Cup final. 203 00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:28,119 Aston Villa kicked off. 204 00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:31,679 In the very first minute, they won a free kick.(WHISTLE BLOWS) 205 00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:34,440 The ball was hit long, eventually gaining its way 206 00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:35,919 to Villa's Captain Chatt, 207 00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:38,920 who slammed his volley into the top corner.(CROWD CHEERS) 208 00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:44,920 Villa held onto their lead, lifting the 1895 FA Cup. 209 00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:47,160 They took the cup back to Birmingham 210 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:49,320 where it was stored in Villa's Perry Barr ground, 211 00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:52,000 until a 73-year-old businessman, 212 00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:54,519 William Tillcock... Or was it Shillcock? 213 00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:56,399 William Thrillcock, more like. (LAUGHS) 214 00:09:56,400 --> 00:10:00,039 He asked for permission to display the trophy in his shop for a week. 215 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:02,200 And when Shillcock opened up in the morning, 216 00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:05,080 he was horrified to discover that the cup was missing. 217 00:10:05,533 --> 00:10:07,080 The cup. 218 00:10:08,780 --> 00:10:13,320 Detectives Mark Brown and Ian Slater arrived to investigate. 219 00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:17,080 - Ian Slater as in Ian Slater bums dogs? - (LAUGHS) 220 00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:19,775 Mr Shillcock? 221 00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:23,200 They inspected the crime scene and concluded that... 222 00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:25,320 They must have scaled that 12-foot wall. 223 00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:27,159 And he made the assumption that... 224 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:31,000 The evidence suggests it's youths, probably high jinks. 225 00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:33,280 We'll have that cup back before sundown. 226 00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:35,603 His optimism was misplaced. 227 00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:39,175 Back then, the cup was only worth £20, 228 00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:41,660 but now, after all this time... 229 00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,480 ..it's priceless. 230 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:48,800 - Wow. - Wow. 231 00:10:48,825 --> 00:10:49,377 Wow. 232 00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:51,520 - Are we gonna nick it? - No, we're not gonna steal it. 233 00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:53,079 I'm trying to tell you a special tale. 234 00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:55,843 - I'm not selling you a fucking job. - It is a good story, Vin. 235 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:58,360 I have to go. Got a date with sandwich man. 236 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:01,080 I'm meeting his parents for the first time. Wish me luck. 237 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,520 We have to go as well cos I have a pasta bake in the oven, 238 00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:05,879 and we have to watch the last three episodes of Minder. 239 00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:06,840 What's Minder? 240 00:11:06,877 --> 00:11:09,375 TV show. We've been binging it, 114 episodes. 241 00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:12,559 I too must attend to my, er, pressing concerns. 242 00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:14,857 - Why are YOU going? - Need I remind you, Vincent, that 243 00:11:14,858 --> 00:11:18,775 I am the proprietor of Hawley's premier entertainment venue. 244 00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:20,935 I thought it was half empty since the other place 245 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:22,320 - opened down the street. - Hey. Hey. 246 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,855 Don't mention that fucking shitheap round me, alright? 247 00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:27,440 You have a very attractive angry face, do you know that? 248 00:11:29,633 --> 00:11:30,880 Thank you. 249 00:11:31,666 --> 00:11:33,266 (INTENSE MUSIC) 250 00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:40,500 (SIGHS) (BELT CLINKS) 251 00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:44,360 (URINATING) 252 00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:46,960 Oh, fucking hell! 253 00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:56,080 (SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ON SPEAKERS) 254 00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:58,920 (WHISPERS) Jesus. Fucking fuck. 255 00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:03,119 - Who you hiding from? - Who do you fucking think I'm hiding from? 256 00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:05,400 Stupid old twat. Look, across, 257 00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:08,080 fucking Davey MacDonagh and Donna MacDonagh. 258 00:12:08,813 --> 00:12:12,400 Like a little fucking dachshund down there, sniffing round my arse. 259 00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:15,519 - German dogs, dachshunds. - I know what they are! 260 00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:17,960 - Rommel had one. - Oh... 261 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:19,445 - Aggressive, they are. - Right. 262 00:12:19,470 --> 00:12:20,879 - And needy. - Right. 263 00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:22,759 - Prone to obesity. - Stop telling me. 264 00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:23,735 And chlamydia. 265 00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:28,239 I don't give a fuck about fat slaggy dogs with fucking VD, do I? 266 00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:30,695 Get me the fuck out of here, dude. 267 00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:33,079 - What's in it for me? - What do you mean "what's in it for you"? 268 00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:35,959 - What do you fucking want? - Four cans of stout 269 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:38,159 and a packet of Chilli Heatwave Doritos. 270 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:41,120 - Done. That's a good deal. - Right, on my mark, wait... 271 00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:42,600 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 272 00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:44,240 OK, now! 273 00:12:47,666 --> 00:12:50,066 (BIRDSONG) 274 00:12:50,293 --> 00:12:52,253 (SNORING) 275 00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:57,400 - Vin?! - I'm coming... I'm... Ugh. 276 00:12:57,425 --> 00:12:59,639 - Fucking open the door now! - I'm coming. 277 00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:03,239 - Fucking outrageous. What's going on? - I'm gonna ask you once, 278 00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:06,320 alright, and I want a fucking straight answer. 279 00:13:06,345 --> 00:13:07,185 Mm. 280 00:13:07,210 --> 00:13:09,679 - Did you nick the FA cup? - What? 281 00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:12,520 Don't fuck about with me, Vin. He's been fucking robbed, 282 00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:14,039 and he only fucking told me and you. 283 00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:15,503 When...? When were...? When were this, then? 284 00:13:15,528 --> 00:13:16,663 Last night. 285 00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:18,640 - Oof. - He was with me all night. 286 00:13:18,985 --> 00:13:21,880 - He got too pissed to walk home. - Oh, yeah? 287 00:13:22,356 --> 00:13:23,879 - Same bed, was it? - Mm. 288 00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:26,559 If I was gonna get gay, do you think I'd choose him? 289 00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:30,039 I'd choose someone broad, someone masculine, 290 00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:33,079 who works with their hands. And I've thought about this, 291 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:35,640 - I would not swallow. - Dude... 292 00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:38,040 I tasted me own once, by accident, 293 00:13:38,065 --> 00:13:41,199 and it was like fucking wallpaper paste, with lumps in it. 294 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:42,759 Fuck... Stop! Go and make a fucking 295 00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:45,279 cup of tea or something, you wretched old bastard. 296 00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:47,799 I mean, right, listen. The whole house has that been robbed, 297 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:50,720 - or is it just the fucking cup? - They knew to go to the garage. 298 00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:52,480 They knew where the cup was. 299 00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:54,520 Maurice, he is beside himself, 300 00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:57,239 man he is fucking devastated. 301 00:13:57,240 --> 00:14:00,799 I didn't tell a soul, so who the fuck did you blab to? 302 00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:02,360 I did tell souls. 303 00:14:02,733 --> 00:14:05,253 You fucking swore on my life, man. 304 00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:07,840 I... fingers-crossed job, though, 305 00:14:07,865 --> 00:14:08,895 - when I said it. - Fingers crossed? 306 00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:10,759 - Don't get upset. - If I fucking drop down dead now... 307 00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:13,080 Listen, it's just superstition that. 308 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:16,879 Really it is. Honest to God, Cardi, Carol and them. 309 00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:19,319 They're not gonna rob the fucking FA Cup, are they? 310 00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:22,200 Well, someone has, and Maurice thinks it's us. 311 00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:24,040 All that fuss over a tin can. 312 00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:27,000 I fuckin' told him an' all. 313 00:14:38,953 --> 00:14:41,681 I'll tell you summat right now. It's gone and got robbed. 314 00:14:41,682 --> 00:14:44,592 Yeah? Since I told all you, they think it's me, don't they? 315 00:14:44,619 --> 00:14:46,000 It doesn't fucking sit well. 316 00:14:46,001 --> 00:14:48,479 Listen, I'm going through every fucking one of ya. (ALL AGREE) 317 00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:51,199 Cardi... who have you told? 318 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:53,039 - Why are you starting with me? - You're on the end, love. 319 00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:54,580 I have to start somewhere, you know what I mean? 320 00:14:54,605 --> 00:14:55,813 I went home, 321 00:14:55,913 --> 00:14:59,353 and I watched Minder, with my wife, Carol, who is my alibi. 322 00:14:59,392 --> 00:15:02,159 He did indeed because the theme tune won't stop playing round in my head 323 00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:05,232 - like an "eargasm". - Thomas, who have you told? 324 00:15:05,273 --> 00:15:08,433 Who the mucky fuck would I be talking to about football? 325 00:15:08,473 --> 00:15:12,033 - I only know perverts, don't I? - That's true. Ashley... 326 00:15:12,985 --> 00:15:15,280 - ...who have you told? - Not a soul. 327 00:15:15,393 --> 00:15:17,273 I was on a date, sure. What would I be doing 328 00:15:17,313 --> 00:15:20,479 telling anyone about an 1895 FA Cup from the... 329 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:23,119 - Lying high voice. - He's going very high voiced. 330 00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:26,232 - Very high voiced indeed. - Right, OK, fine... Look... 331 00:15:27,543 --> 00:15:30,073 - I panicked, alright... - Get talking. Come on. 332 00:15:30,113 --> 00:15:31,681 It was the dinner... 333 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:34,319 with sandwich man and his parents. 334 00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:36,193 They didn't like me from the beginning. 335 00:15:36,233 --> 00:15:39,041 We always wanted grandchildren, didn't we, Stan? 336 00:15:39,713 --> 00:15:42,233 So, there I was, trying to over compensate. 337 00:15:42,273 --> 00:15:45,719 Did you know the original 1895 FA Cup was stolen and not found again? 338 00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:47,679 - Fucking fuck. - Did it work, at least? 339 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:51,359 Yes, Tommo, it did work. His father gave me a brandy. 340 00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:53,279 Fuck your brandy! Where does...? 341 00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:57,392 Is his fucking dad the kind of dad that gets dressed up in dark clothes 342 00:15:57,438 --> 00:15:59,115 and maybe break into someone else's fucking house 343 00:15:59,116 --> 00:16:00,960 and rob an ancient trophy of some kind? 344 00:16:00,985 --> 00:16:02,124 It's not him, I tell yer. 345 00:16:02,193 --> 00:16:03,881 I didn't even tell him the name of the house. 346 00:16:03,906 --> 00:16:05,542 You mean to tell me... 347 00:16:05,793 --> 00:16:10,153 that you didn't mention a house on Bletchley Dale Estate. 348 00:16:10,198 --> 00:16:14,278 No, I didn't say a word about the house, to the daddy, 349 00:16:14,313 --> 00:16:17,233 - but I did tell sandwich man, himself. - AH! 350 00:16:17,273 --> 00:16:19,353 (GROANS) Oh, Ashley! 351 00:16:19,393 --> 00:16:21,993 - Don't start with the "Ashley"! - Fucking fucker! 352 00:16:22,033 --> 00:16:24,412 He would never steal an FA Cup or not'in. 353 00:16:24,437 --> 00:16:27,953 And I suppose, just putting this out there, I suppose, right, you are in fact his alibi, 354 00:16:27,993 --> 00:16:30,521 are you not, because, you know, you spent the evening... 355 00:16:30,522 --> 00:16:32,792 I'm surmising, making the beast with two backs? 356 00:16:33,512 --> 00:16:36,768 - Well, not exactly, no. - What do you mean, "not exactly"? 357 00:16:36,793 --> 00:16:38,753 There was an argument at the end of the night. 358 00:16:38,793 --> 00:16:40,673 ("Delilah" by Tom Jones PLAYS ON SPEAKER) 359 00:16:42,892 --> 00:16:45,040 - Hi, gorgeous. - Hi. How's it going? 360 00:16:45,153 --> 00:16:47,041 - Great. - Well done with the football chat. 361 00:16:47,042 --> 00:16:48,320 Thanks. 362 00:16:49,153 --> 00:16:51,641 - What are you doing? - Two minutes, they'll never know. 363 00:16:51,642 --> 00:16:53,959 We can't... (MOANS) 364 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:55,393 - Two minutes? - Yeah. 365 00:16:55,433 --> 00:16:57,241 You had sex in his parents' house? 366 00:16:57,242 --> 00:17:00,192 I did, in his parents' bed, as well. Dog was sitting there watching. 367 00:17:00,233 --> 00:17:02,473 Fair play to you. Fair play to you. (BED SPRINGS SQUEAK) 368 00:17:02,513 --> 00:17:03,753 Oh, up the midfield. 369 00:17:03,793 --> 00:17:05,273 (DOG WHINES) Up the midfield. 370 00:17:05,313 --> 00:17:06,481 And what about the argument? 371 00:17:06,482 --> 00:17:08,552 That was in the taxi on the way home. 372 00:17:08,593 --> 00:17:10,639 First of all we were sitting there cuddling and then... 373 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:13,279 You brought the condom out, right, you didn't just leave it there? 374 00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:16,992 - No. You said you were doing that. - The fuck? 375 00:17:17,033 --> 00:17:19,959 (SCREAMS) 376 00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:21,523 (CAR DOOR SLAMS) 377 00:17:21,548 --> 00:17:24,519 I didn't even wanna fuck in your parents' bedroom. 378 00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:27,160 Do you know what's happened here? You've pissed him off. 379 00:17:27,217 --> 00:17:29,057 And maybe he's fucking stolen it 380 00:17:29,082 --> 00:17:30,942 out of fucking revenge or summat like that. 381 00:17:31,028 --> 00:17:33,122 Sandwich man would not steal the FA Cup. 382 00:17:33,147 --> 00:17:35,200 He's our only suspect. In't he? 383 00:17:35,305 --> 00:17:37,440 Aww, have you recovered darling? 384 00:17:37,525 --> 00:17:40,119 (LAUGHS) He was smashed off his head in here last night. 385 00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:40,730 What? 386 00:17:40,755 --> 00:17:43,115 - Up on stage, singing karaoke. - Karaoke? 387 00:17:43,140 --> 00:17:45,003 Hm, yeah. Did that duet with your brother. 388 00:17:45,028 --> 00:17:46,793 - My brother? - Which brother? Niall or Mick? 389 00:17:46,833 --> 00:17:47,993 ♪ Cockles and 390 00:17:48,033 --> 00:17:50,193 ♪ Mussels... 391 00:17:50,233 --> 00:17:51,593 ♪ Alive, alive, oh... ♪ 392 00:17:51,633 --> 00:17:53,561 - Er, the thick one. - ALL: Mick! 393 00:17:53,562 --> 00:17:54,560 It's Mick. 394 00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:56,192 Yeah, motherfucker. 395 00:17:56,233 --> 00:17:57,873 Start fucking talking right now. 396 00:17:57,913 --> 00:18:00,473 I don't know nothin' about it. I swear on my Uncle Teagan's life. 397 00:18:00,513 --> 00:18:02,553 - Uncle Teagan's dead. - Is he? 398 00:18:02,593 --> 00:18:03,953 Yeah, they buried him, anyway. 399 00:18:03,993 --> 00:18:05,433 - Christ. - Well... Well, all the same, 400 00:18:05,473 --> 00:18:07,913 I don't know anything about any theft of any FA cup. 401 00:18:07,953 --> 00:18:10,833 - Oh, right. So he told you the story? - Oh, yeah. It's a good story. 402 00:18:10,873 --> 00:18:13,113 That old guy there, on the Bletchley Dale Estate. 403 00:18:13,153 --> 00:18:15,153 Keeping that Cup all those years. 404 00:18:15,716 --> 00:18:18,273 But I was too nervous last night to really care. 405 00:18:18,313 --> 00:18:20,073 I was only in the pub for Talent Night. 406 00:18:20,113 --> 00:18:21,713 The fuck is your talent? 407 00:18:21,753 --> 00:18:23,753 - Stand-up comedy. - Gor... Fuck me. 408 00:18:23,793 --> 00:18:26,273 So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means... 409 00:18:27,016 --> 00:18:28,673 It's not the end of the world. 410 00:18:28,713 --> 00:18:30,241 (MIC FEEDBACK) WOMAN: Fuck off! 411 00:18:30,242 --> 00:18:31,956 You did this last night at the Crow's Nest? 412 00:18:31,990 --> 00:18:32,668 Yeah. 413 00:18:32,753 --> 00:18:35,399 - Before the karaoke. - Who have you spoke to 414 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:37,720 after fucking blabbermouth here were done with yer? 415 00:18:37,745 --> 00:18:38,310 Yeah. 416 00:18:38,393 --> 00:18:41,353 No one, I swear. I came back here, and went I went to bed. 417 00:18:41,393 --> 00:18:43,513 Oh no, no. I stopped off at the chippy. 418 00:18:43,553 --> 00:18:45,513 Oh, fuck, you didn't tell Val and Ian? 419 00:18:45,553 --> 00:18:48,753 No, no, I don't speak with Val and Ian, unless to say my order. 420 00:18:48,793 --> 00:18:50,673 - And why not? - She has a man voice, 421 00:18:50,713 --> 00:18:53,273 and he's a fucking lady voice. Freaks me out. 422 00:18:54,599 --> 00:18:57,239 - (DEEP) There you go, darling. - (SHRILL) 4.50, please, mate. 423 00:18:58,433 --> 00:19:00,648 It is strange. Alright, just listen. 424 00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:03,040 You've been to the chippy, you've had your chips. 425 00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:05,839 Right? Who have you spoken to after that? 426 00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:07,377 - No one. - Thank God for that. 427 00:19:07,402 --> 00:19:09,040 - Or did I tell Niall? - Fuck! 428 00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:11,599 (PHONE RINGS) Carol, what's up? 429 00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:14,000 - Niall, how's it going? - Is it my mother? 430 00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:15,978 Oh, no, no, no, no emergency, no. 431 00:19:16,003 --> 00:19:18,400 Just, er... Just thought I'd give my little brother a call, 432 00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:20,759 - see how you were doing. - Bullshit, Carol. Who's dead? 433 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,781 No. No. I just haven't seen you in a while is all. 434 00:19:22,806 --> 00:19:25,040 Thought we'd meet for an old pint and a catch up. 435 00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:27,320 (WHISPERS) Ask him where he is? Where are ya? 436 00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:29,575 - NIALL: I am busy, working. - Working? 437 00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:32,559 Yes, working. I haven't got time to be standing here talking to you. 438 00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:35,400 ANNOUNCER: The ferry to Dublin is now boarding from bay six. 439 00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:38,120 Listen, I have to go. I have to go. OK. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. 440 00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:39,480 - Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. - Alright. 441 00:19:39,548 --> 00:19:40,735 - Dublin. - Fuck. 442 00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:42,440 - Dublin. - What the fuck's he gone to Dublin for? 443 00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:44,320 He goes regular, for his poker tournaments 444 00:19:44,360 --> 00:19:46,840 - and to off-load counterfeit dollars. - Counterfeit dollars? 445 00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:48,560 - Yeah. - The Irish spend them in New York. 446 00:19:48,606 --> 00:19:50,720 So, does he know a lot of dodgy folk in Dublin? 447 00:19:50,788 --> 00:19:52,295 The cunt knows everybody. 448 00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:53,880 He's a right sly bastard. 449 00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:55,360 That's exactly the shit he'd do. 450 00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,443 How often do the bloody ferries run then? 451 00:19:57,468 --> 00:19:58,840 Twice a day, from Holyhead. 452 00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:01,476 - W-When's the last one? - 3:00pm. 453 00:20:01,477 --> 00:20:03,280 - How do you know that? - I like ferries. 454 00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:05,920 And I know exactly where he'll go: 455 00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:07,320 - Auntie Aoife's. - Yeah. 456 00:20:07,360 --> 00:20:09,240 Because he's so fucking tight, he would not pay 457 00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:10,640 for a hotel or a guest house. 458 00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:13,520 He's as tight as a goat's hole going up the side of a cliff. 459 00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,760 He'll be at Auntie Aoife's and Uncle Eldon's, 460 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:18,920 the nice little guest house on O'Grainy Lane. Come on. 461 00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:21,880 ♪ LE TIGRE: Deceptacon ♪ 462 00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:28,240 ♪ Every day and night 463 00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:31,240 ♪ Every day and ni-i-ght 464 00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:33,880 ♪ I can see your disco, disco 465 00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:36,680 ♪ Dick is sucking my heart of out my mind 466 00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:39,920 ♪ One, two, three, four 467 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,120 ♪ You got what you been asking for... 468 00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:44,080 WOMAN: ..touch 'em, just left them. 469 00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:46,440 No, they didn't stink. They were all kind of... 470 00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:48,040 stained. 471 00:20:48,251 --> 00:20:49,455 - Patchy. - Excuse... 472 00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:51,200 No, they weren't mine, they were my stepdad's... 473 00:20:51,272 --> 00:20:53,810 Excuse me, very important, important, can you...? 474 00:20:53,851 --> 00:20:54,991 I gotta go. 475 00:20:55,016 --> 00:20:55,900 (PHONE CLICKS) 476 00:20:55,925 --> 00:20:59,320 Yeah. We want tickets for the Dublin ferry, for all of us and one car. 477 00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:01,279 - Well, all the car ferries are gone. - Eh? 478 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:04,359 - There's only a foot-passenger ferry. - But it doesn't say on't website. 479 00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:05,160 Write in. 480 00:21:05,267 --> 00:21:06,359 - I will. - Do. 481 00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:07,720 - I fucking will. - You should. 482 00:21:07,745 --> 00:21:08,959 - Fine. - Fine. 483 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:12,760 Jesus... Fuck. Can someone just pay patchy pants here?(SIGHS) 484 00:21:12,806 --> 00:21:19,326 ♪ Is alright, alright, alright, alright, alright... ♪ 485 00:21:21,300 --> 00:21:23,479 Fuck you, other ferry. 486 00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:25,079 (LAUGHS) OK, so I'm gonna start. 487 00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:26,919 It's fucking hopeless this, it's shite. 488 00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:30,839 I found out I'm afraid of elevators, so I'm taking steps to avoid it. 489 00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:33,720 (LAUGHS)What's the problem with eating a clock? 490 00:21:33,745 --> 00:21:35,759 - Eh? - Too time consuming. 491 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:37,719 (LAUGHS)You'll have to stop. It's fucking shite. 492 00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:40,079 Found out my friend couldn't pay her water bill, 493 00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:42,639 so I sent them a get-WELL-soon card. 494 00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:44,959 - Oh, my God.(LAUGHS) - Stop fucking encouraging him. 495 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,079 No one's enjoying it, love. Come on, Michael. 496 00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:50,120 Come and have a minute with us. Be a good lad now. 497 00:21:50,493 --> 00:21:52,320 Hey, how's your mate, Erin? 498 00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:56,080 - She's fine, yeah. All good. - Where is she? 499 00:21:57,273 --> 00:21:59,279 Well now, therein lies a story. 500 00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:00,760 Well, go on, then. We've got a... 501 00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:03,839 - sea crossing to fill, eh? - Carol? 502 00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:06,160 What love? UGH! 503 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,759 Jesus Christ. My good fucking coat! 504 00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:10,519 - Sorry. - Jesus Christ, like. 505 00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:13,560 ♪ THE POGUES: Dirty Old Town ♪ 506 00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:16,559 ♪ Dreamed a dream 507 00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:19,800 ♪ By the old canal 508 00:22:20,719 --> 00:22:23,399 ♪ I kissed my girl 509 00:22:24,193 --> 00:22:26,433 ♪ By the factory wall 510 00:22:28,552 --> 00:22:30,672 ♪ Dirty old town... ♪ 511 00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:33,160 Here's your new house now, lads. Look at this gaff. 512 00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:35,440 - LADS: Ooh! - Great spot. 513 00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:39,600 Aww fucking stiff as a board in there. 514 00:22:40,099 --> 00:22:41,360 Christ. 515 00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:43,920 Thanks, man. (DOORBELL RINGS) 516 00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:46,615 They're lovely people now, are my auntie and uncle, 517 00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:48,495 but there's a few things you'll have to ignore, OK? 518 00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:51,495 When she's talking, an awful bit of spittle comes out. 519 00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:52,497 - Hm. - Now and again. 520 00:22:52,522 --> 00:22:54,775 But he has a very, very big facial wart, 521 00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:57,055 OK, that the eyes are tend to be drawn to. 522 00:22:57,080 --> 00:22:58,975 But please do not talk into it, OK, 523 00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:00,599 cos he's very, very sensitive about it. 524 00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:03,680 He's also in the closet still, very much. Like, we all know, 525 00:23:03,713 --> 00:23:05,559 we're supposed to pretend we don't know. We know. 526 00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:07,719 - They sound lovely. - You think he's a giver or a taker? 527 00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:09,880 - He's a taker. No, he takes it. - Kids. 528 00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:14,360 Carol, Ashley, Michael. Come in here now 529 00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:17,240 and give your auntie a big hug. Oh! 530 00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:18,879 (GIGGLES) MIKE: Hi, Auntie. Hi, Auntie. 531 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:22,840 (LAUGHS) And who are these reprobates? 532 00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:25,559 Oh-ho, here he is now, Uncle Eldon, are you well? 533 00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:28,719 How you getting on? That's, Vinnie and Tommo 534 00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:31,519 and Cardi and this is, er, Curtis Plum, Uncle Eldon. 535 00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:34,280 Well, eh, thanks for having us all the same. 536 00:23:34,320 --> 00:23:38,000 - Oh, bring it in for a hug. (LAUGHS) - Alright, argh. 537 00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:40,040 - Oh! - Argh! 538 00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:42,000 - Argh. - (KISSES) 539 00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:44,879 (FORCED LAUGH) No more of you. 540 00:23:44,880 --> 00:23:48,159 Quite the day we're after having. To what do we owe the honour? 541 00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:50,400 We're on our jolly, back in the Emerald Isle, 542 00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:52,079 showing the lads the sights. (STAMMERS) 543 00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:54,286 You haven't seen our Niall kicking about, have ya? 544 00:23:54,319 --> 00:23:55,160 Now, he, er... 545 00:23:55,161 --> 00:23:58,399 dropped his stuff off in room three, said he had business to attend to. 546 00:23:58,400 --> 00:23:59,560 - Sound. - Room three. 547 00:23:59,585 --> 00:24:00,422 Three it is. 548 00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:02,241 Can we have a look around, maybe? 549 00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:09,039 There you are. There... There you are, 550 00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:10,279 - a bit of Schweppes. - BOTH: Oh... 551 00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:12,440 - Well, that's a no, then. - Fuck. 552 00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:14,240 (GROANS) 553 00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:17,519 I remember Aston Villa's glory days, 554 00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:19,919 not the 1895 ones, 555 00:24:19,920 --> 00:24:22,760 the 1980's European Cup. 556 00:24:22,986 --> 00:24:26,296 Their goalkeeper, Jimmy Rimmer, got a neck injury 557 00:24:26,321 --> 00:24:29,680 and was stretchered off, replaced by a youngster, 558 00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:31,520 Nigel Spink. 559 00:24:31,545 --> 00:24:32,508 - (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) - Ha. 560 00:24:32,568 --> 00:24:35,480 With his tight little blue shorts, 561 00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:37,840 bum cheeks visible. 562 00:24:38,317 --> 00:24:41,015 That's a very visceral image. 563 00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:45,159 D-Did Niall say w-where he were going when he went out? 564 00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:47,600 No, you know Niall, 565 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:49,680 always blustering around. (SPITS) 566 00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:52,160 He used my laptop, though, 567 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:54,679 asked if he could go on it as he had no data. 568 00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:58,199 Oh, oh. Oh, right, OK. And er, Aoife, love, 569 00:24:58,200 --> 00:25:01,055 might we by any chance peruse the afore mentioned laptop? 570 00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:03,319 Yep, for sure, laptop there. 571 00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:04,439 (GROANS) Right. 572 00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:05,916 - Now... - Come on, lads. 573 00:25:05,941 --> 00:25:07,061 Here you are. 574 00:25:07,313 --> 00:25:10,156 Right. (CLEARS THROAT) Ah. 575 00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:12,840 The games awaits. OK. Password? 576 00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:14,600 - Tonsillitis. (SPITS) - Ah! 577 00:25:15,359 --> 00:25:17,962 Fucking hell, love. Like, "tonsillitis" as a password, 578 00:25:17,963 --> 00:25:19,840 why have you got it as a password? I can't even spell it. 579 00:25:19,865 --> 00:25:23,120 Exactly... so you'll never guess it. 580 00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:28,240 (SPITTING) Two Ts, three Is, two S's. 581 00:25:28,295 --> 00:25:30,375 I sort of, sort of asked for that didn't I, really? 582 00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:31,840 Yeah, alright. Er... 583 00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:34,440 (TYPING) Right, here we go. 584 00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:37,760 We have one search for "how to back", bake, 585 00:25:37,806 --> 00:25:39,919 "a light-as-a-fairy cake." 586 00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:42,079 - Oh, that was me. - That's you, yeah, alright, 587 00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:44,680 OK, and then we've got "Japanese boy wrestling." 588 00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:46,399 That was me. 589 00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:47,679 Theme emerging, I see. 590 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:50,199 Ah, and then a search for... 591 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:53,640 "tanning salon and nail bar. Glow Job." 592 00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:57,920 Glow Job, is that that place up Tremaine Street, Aoife? 593 00:25:58,200 --> 00:26:00,920 You know, I think it is. Now you mention it, 594 00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:03,759 straight after he used the laptop, he used the landline. 595 00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:08,200 Does your home phone happen to have a redial function on it? 596 00:26:08,510 --> 00:26:11,999 - I've never really noticed it. - How does she reach? 597 00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:14,760 MAN: "This is Glow Job, where the sun is always shining. 598 00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:16,440 "No one here at the moment. 599 00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:18,359 Leave a message, and we'll get back to you." 600 00:26:18,360 --> 00:26:20,279 Oi, oi. Grab-c-Nesbit. 601 00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:22,679 I recognise that voice. It's Mardie Fisher. 602 00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:25,039 - Who's Mardie Fisher? - He used to be a contortionist. 603 00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:26,800 - Extortionist. - Right, whatever. 604 00:26:26,850 --> 00:26:28,495 He got into all kinds of bother. 605 00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:30,200 He... It cost him his hair, all the worry. 606 00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:32,080 He used to have lovely long locks, so he did. 607 00:26:32,110 --> 00:26:34,510 Right. So we've got an ex extortionist, bald as a coot 608 00:26:34,535 --> 00:26:36,279 but with a criminal past, runs a tanning salon- 609 00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:38,680 - And nail bar. - And a nail bar, up this Tremaine Street. 610 00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:40,999 Mm.This could be a front for illegal wheeling and dealing. 611 00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:44,079 - Where's Tremaine Street, then? - A couple of miles as the crow flies. 612 00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:46,640 - No, we can't go by crow. - Be a bit further then. 613 00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:49,079 - You can use my car if you like. - Your car? 614 00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:52,000 - There's seven of 'em. - Well, they can squeeze together. 615 00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:54,840 Like we did in the Army. 616 00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:56,880 - (LAUGHS) - No. 617 00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:09,720 My grandfather had a heart of a lion 618 00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:12,160 - but a lifetime ban at the local zoo. - Dude. 619 00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:16,160 Shut the fuck up, Michael. Your jokes are terrible. 620 00:27:18,520 --> 00:27:19,794 Come here, lad. 621 00:27:20,025 --> 00:27:21,560 Fucking hair-do on him. 622 00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:24,240 We're closed. Can you not read? 623 00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:26,920 I struggle, dyslexic. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS IN SALON) 624 00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:28,880 What about your friends? Can they not read? 625 00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:32,079 They're all dyslexic as well. Look, listen, 626 00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:35,120 has Niall Dennings been in here, by any fucking chance? 627 00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:36,839 Never heard of him. 628 00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:39,480 Now give over. Cos we know he's been in there. 629 00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:40,919 We don't want any trouble. 630 00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:42,959 Let us in. We'll have a bit of a chat. 631 00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:45,360 - We're closed. - Let me have a fucking word with him. 632 00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:48,239 Mr Fisher, I'm Niall's sister, Carol, alright? 633 00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:50,560 Now, he's after being an awful fucking eejit, 634 00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:52,920 and he's also taken something that doesn't belong to him, 635 00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:55,080 so you're gonna have to open that door now 636 00:27:55,120 --> 00:27:57,520 or we are gonna start kicking it with our feet. 637 00:27:57,560 --> 00:27:58,960 - Get at it. - Fucks sake. 638 00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:01,159 (DOOR THUDDING) Alright, take it easy. 639 00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:04,320 - Keep your bollocks on. - What a gentleman. 640 00:28:04,360 --> 00:28:05,800 ♪ SAULT: Don't Waste My Time ♪ 641 00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:09,400 ♪ Remember when you said... ♪ 642 00:28:11,986 --> 00:28:14,226 OK, let me think. Let me think. It's coming back to me, 643 00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:17,680 coming back to me. Niall... Niall... Oh, yeah, Niall. 644 00:28:17,720 --> 00:28:19,479 - He WAS here... - Alright. 645 00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:21,919 - ..but he just wanted a man facial and... - Hm. 646 00:28:21,920 --> 00:28:24,357 And I don't know anything about any stolen items so... 647 00:28:24,382 --> 00:28:25,420 Mm. 648 00:28:26,306 --> 00:28:27,940 What's in that back room? 649 00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:31,200 My stock and my tanning room. 650 00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:33,720 - We're a tanning salon. - And nail bar. 651 00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:36,119 - And nail bar. Correct. - Listen to me. 652 00:28:36,120 --> 00:28:39,599 I don't want you thinking we're thinking you're untrustworthy. 653 00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:42,679 I feel like I really need to check in the back room. 654 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:44,519 No one goes in my back room. 655 00:28:44,520 --> 00:28:47,080 Unless I invite them in my back room. 656 00:28:47,105 --> 00:28:48,920 - Oh... - Alright. 657 00:28:48,945 --> 00:28:50,375 Well just invite us in, then. 658 00:28:50,400 --> 00:28:53,349 I won't. There's nothing back there, I've nothing to feel guilty about. 659 00:28:53,350 --> 00:28:55,377 So, you won't mind if we have a little peek then? 660 00:28:55,402 --> 00:28:56,870 How about no peek? 661 00:28:56,960 --> 00:28:58,680 I'm sorry I'm just gonna step in here. 662 00:28:58,720 --> 00:29:01,319 Mardie, love, can you see how your resistance 663 00:29:01,320 --> 00:29:04,480 is making us a little bit more suspicious, about yer?(SCOFFS) 664 00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:06,320 Yous waltz in here, 665 00:29:06,360 --> 00:29:07,799 I don't know yous from Adam, 666 00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:09,759 and you demand to see in my back room. 667 00:29:09,760 --> 00:29:11,480 Who the fuck do you think yous are? 668 00:29:11,505 --> 00:29:14,760 Mr Fisher, look, we're Niall's brothers, that's Niall's sister there. 669 00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:17,359 These are our mates. Tell us what he was doing here, and that's it. 670 00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:21,091 - I'm not to telling yer. Yer deaf? - We have a fucking situation here, alright? 671 00:29:21,116 --> 00:29:23,319 Now, I'm not leaving this fucking tanning salon- 672 00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:26,160 - And nail bar. - And the fucking nail bar, Cardi. 673 00:29:27,680 --> 00:29:31,359 We can't leave here until we check in that back room, 674 00:29:31,360 --> 00:29:35,520 and make sure Niall and/or the stolen fucking item in't in it. 675 00:29:35,560 --> 00:29:37,440 I can see the predicament we're in. 676 00:29:37,480 --> 00:29:39,919 - Mm. - Here's what I can do for yer, right? 677 00:29:39,920 --> 00:29:41,740 None of yous are coming in my back room, 678 00:29:42,300 --> 00:29:44,480 but he did leave a package. 679 00:29:44,560 --> 00:29:46,640 (CLICKS FINGERS) I dunno what's in the package, 680 00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:49,920 but I can step back there, alone, 681 00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:51,759 and bring it out to yous. How's that? 682 00:29:51,760 --> 00:29:54,079 Or who's to say he's not just gonna fuck off out the back? 683 00:29:54,080 --> 00:29:58,239 Out the back of my own tanning salon? Leave yous eejits here alone? 684 00:29:58,240 --> 00:30:00,760 - Do I look insane? - Mm. 685 00:30:00,960 --> 00:30:03,280 Do you want the package, or do you not want the package? 686 00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:06,160 Fucking go and get that fucking package right now, and quick. 687 00:30:12,553 --> 00:30:14,993 (BUTTONS BEEPING) 688 00:30:15,560 --> 00:30:17,400 (SECURITY SYSTEM CHIMES) 689 00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:19,639 I can't believe it. (DOOR CLOSES) 690 00:30:19,640 --> 00:30:22,320 He's a full head of long hair. (LAUGHS) 691 00:30:22,360 --> 00:30:25,480 It's a fucking wig dude. Come on, man. 692 00:30:25,520 --> 00:30:27,240 W-Wig? How's it stay on? 693 00:30:27,280 --> 00:30:29,040 (LAUGHS) It's stuck to his head, love. 694 00:30:29,080 --> 00:30:31,560 W-What...? W-What...? Well, what if he hangs upside down? 695 00:30:31,600 --> 00:30:33,199 - Oh, my God. - Who hangs upside down? 696 00:30:33,200 --> 00:30:35,702 - Me, it's good for the brain. - I hate to say this, Mick, 697 00:30:35,703 --> 00:30:38,480 I really do. You're not the best advert for inversion, are ya? 698 00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:40,920 What with you being, sorry, but... thick as two short planks. 699 00:30:40,960 --> 00:30:44,880 Tommo, you shut the fuck up. You're as thick as fucking one short plank. 700 00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:46,879 (LAUGHS) I rest my case. 701 00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:49,040 (LAUGHS) 702 00:30:49,080 --> 00:30:51,359 You wanna see what's in my back room? 703 00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:53,442 Here's what's in my fucking back room. 704 00:30:53,443 --> 00:30:57,079 You lousy fucking poxy bastards. (ALL SCREAM) 705 00:30:57,080 --> 00:30:59,439 Come on you fuckers, yeah! 706 00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:01,279 Get yourselves a lovely spray tan. 707 00:31:01,280 --> 00:31:03,240 Welcome to Glow Job. 708 00:31:03,280 --> 00:31:05,120 Oh, I've missed a bit, did I? 709 00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:06,920 Here. Here. (SCREAMING CONTINUES) 710 00:31:06,975 --> 00:31:09,215 Get some fucking tan lines around that. 711 00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:13,000 - Fuck me. Grab his fucking arms. - You're wanting some of that, do yer? 712 00:31:13,040 --> 00:31:15,160 ♪ BEASTIE BOYS: Sabotage ♪ 713 00:31:15,666 --> 00:31:18,040 Hold still for crying out loud, will yer? 714 00:31:27,360 --> 00:31:29,239 You better start talking. 715 00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:32,519 (LAUGHS) I'm not telling you shit about shit. 716 00:31:32,520 --> 00:31:35,960 You will tell us shit about shit. I'll take your fucking eyebrow off. 717 00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:37,920 Now, did Niall come here or not? 718 00:31:37,960 --> 00:31:40,759 You know what you can do? Go and fuck your mother. 719 00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:42,799 - Oh, rude. - Oh... Fucking piece of work 720 00:31:42,800 --> 00:31:45,439 - Did he try and sell you a trophy? - Fuck your Uncle Eldon. 721 00:31:45,440 --> 00:31:48,080 I tell you what. Thomas, pull his fucking eyebrow off. 722 00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:51,240 No. No. Argh! 723 00:31:51,280 --> 00:31:52,439 - Gone. - Argh! 724 00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:54,560 Gone. You look like a fucking idiot. 725 00:31:54,600 --> 00:31:57,999 On one side, you're a 50% twat right now. 726 00:31:58,000 --> 00:32:00,160 I'll do the other one. When I run out of hairs, 727 00:32:00,200 --> 00:32:02,999 - I'm gonna go down there. - I do my own genitals. 728 00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:05,559 I'm like a fucking dolphin down there. 729 00:32:05,560 --> 00:32:07,919 - Man after my own heart. - Fucking weird dude. 730 00:32:07,920 --> 00:32:10,566 Alright, Mick, go and smash up all his shit in the back room. 731 00:32:10,591 --> 00:32:12,870 We're fucking up your back room, pouring away the shampoos. 732 00:32:12,895 --> 00:32:13,800 - No! - Smash it up. 733 00:32:13,801 --> 00:32:15,159 - Pour it all out. - I'll talk. 734 00:32:15,160 --> 00:32:17,279 No, not the shampoos. No! 735 00:32:17,280 --> 00:32:19,120 I'll talk. I'll talk. 736 00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:21,519 (BREATHES HEAVILY) Look in my phone. 737 00:32:21,520 --> 00:32:23,883 - Where is it? - It's in my flaps. 738 00:32:24,686 --> 00:32:27,919 Passcode: 0072. Roger Moore. 739 00:32:27,920 --> 00:32:29,559 No, no, no. He was 0073. 740 00:32:29,560 --> 00:32:32,760 George Lazenby, he was 0072. I mean everybody knows that, like. 741 00:32:32,800 --> 00:32:34,720 Yeah. He was shite. Wasn't even a proper Bond. 742 00:32:34,760 --> 00:32:37,200 - Hm. - Last calls. 743 00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:39,320 (PHONE CHIMES) Don Randy? 744 00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:40,919 Who the fuck's Don Randy? 745 00:32:40,920 --> 00:32:44,160 Sounds like sort of, er, mid-level '70s porn star, doesn't it? 746 00:32:44,200 --> 00:32:46,800 Hey. Hey. Who's Don Randy? 747 00:32:46,840 --> 00:32:50,560 He's a scary fucker, and you do not wanna mess with him. 748 00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:52,480 That's who he was meeting here, 749 00:32:52,520 --> 00:32:55,600 and that's all I know. That's all I can tell yer. Now, fuck off. 750 00:32:56,860 --> 00:33:00,639 Listen, what is that there? Is that a bloody five or a three? 751 00:33:00,640 --> 00:33:02,640 - It's a three. Well, it looks- - No, five. 752 00:33:02,680 --> 00:33:04,683 - Is it? - I don't... Fucking try three. 753 00:33:04,708 --> 00:33:05,759 CARDI: What you gonna say? 754 00:33:05,760 --> 00:33:07,840 (LINE RINGING) I'm gonna style it out, like a boss. 755 00:33:07,880 --> 00:33:09,519 I'll lay the bait, he's gonna take nibble. 756 00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:11,919 You gonna invite him to be in Be My Bitch Volume Seven? 757 00:33:11,920 --> 00:33:13,160 Just shut up, ya gob shite. 758 00:33:13,185 --> 00:33:14,543 - WOMAN: "Hello." - Oh, shit. 759 00:33:15,263 --> 00:33:18,039 I'm looking to speak to a Donald Randy? 760 00:33:18,040 --> 00:33:20,183 "Don Randy? Do I sound like Don Randy, 761 00:33:20,208 --> 00:33:22,936 - "you filthy fucking bastard." - Oh, I'm sorry love. (LINE BEEPS) 762 00:33:22,983 --> 00:33:24,599 - Oh, she's gone. - It must have been a five. 763 00:33:24,600 --> 00:33:27,159 - Do you think (?) You fucking lemon. - Alright. What? 764 00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:28,943 Well, I got all geed up for it, didn't I? 765 00:33:28,968 --> 00:33:32,320 Give it here. You need to be more zen. You get way too wound about things. 766 00:33:32,360 --> 00:33:34,040 You need to be better at fives. 767 00:33:34,080 --> 00:33:36,200 My girlfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo, 768 00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:38,400 - so I put my foot down. - (LAUGHS)Michael... 769 00:33:38,440 --> 00:33:40,599 (LINE RINGING) Honestly. 770 00:33:40,600 --> 00:33:42,919 Weird timing. You'll change your tune when I'm famous. 771 00:33:42,920 --> 00:33:45,199 - "Hello." - Oh, it's the same lady, man. 772 00:33:45,200 --> 00:33:47,199 "You, you filthy bastard. Paul!" 773 00:33:47,200 --> 00:33:49,520 - "This pervert keeps ringing me." - Don't tell Paul. 774 00:33:49,560 --> 00:33:52,440 Don't tell Paul, it's an honest mistake, love. 775 00:33:52,480 --> 00:33:54,279 My mate's bad at fives. Listen... 776 00:33:54,280 --> 00:33:57,319 someone, put the right fucking number in this right fucking now. 777 00:33:57,320 --> 00:33:59,120 - Here, I'll try. - No, you fucking won't. 778 00:33:59,145 --> 00:33:59,931 Give it here. 779 00:34:00,015 --> 00:34:01,051 - Give it to me. - Here you are. 780 00:34:01,076 --> 00:34:02,850 Fucking thicks, the lot of you. 781 00:34:02,920 --> 00:34:05,080 - Yeah? (LINE RINGING) - Here you go. 782 00:34:05,120 --> 00:34:06,760 - Yes, Carol. - Right, go on. 783 00:34:06,785 --> 00:34:08,159 Fuck, is it gonna be her again? 784 00:34:08,160 --> 00:34:09,520 - No. No, listen. - Shit. 785 00:34:09,545 --> 00:34:10,600 MAN: "Hello." 786 00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:13,519 Now then... is that Don Randy? 787 00:34:13,520 --> 00:34:15,639 - "Who's asking?" - I fucking am. 788 00:34:15,640 --> 00:34:18,319 - And you are? - "Vincent O'Neill." 789 00:34:18,320 --> 00:34:20,239 I have been given this number, 790 00:34:20,240 --> 00:34:23,800 apparently it's the number of a very important entrepreneur 791 00:34:23,840 --> 00:34:26,840 - called Donald Randy. - "This is his phone." 792 00:34:26,880 --> 00:34:30,280 Fuck, doesn't answer his own phone, that's classy that. Very classy.. 793 00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:33,960 - What's the proposal? - "I am a marijuana," 794 00:34:34,000 --> 00:34:36,440 - er, botanist. - Ooh. 795 00:34:36,480 --> 00:34:40,599 And I would like to dis... discuss distribution. 796 00:34:40,600 --> 00:34:43,040 I'll ask. (LINE DISCONNECTS) (CLICKS TONGUE) 797 00:34:43,080 --> 00:34:45,720 - He's just gone? - He's just fucked off. Oh... (SHUSHES). 798 00:34:45,760 --> 00:34:48,000 (PHONE BUZZES) (PHONE CLICKS) 799 00:34:48,040 --> 00:34:50,560 - Mr Randy. - MAN: "Who the fuck are you, 800 00:34:50,600 --> 00:34:53,160 you perv, ringing my bird asking for John Randy? 801 00:34:53,200 --> 00:34:54,320 - Fucking Paul. - It's Paul, in't it? 802 00:34:54,345 --> 00:34:55,999 It's bloody Paul. Paul, listen, 803 00:34:56,000 --> 00:34:59,080 it were a genuine mistake. My mate's really bad at fives. 804 00:34:59,120 --> 00:35:01,600 It's one fucking number. We're looking for Donald Randy, 805 00:35:01,640 --> 00:35:03,519 not fucking John Randy you turnip. 806 00:35:03,520 --> 00:35:04,760 - "Ring again... - "Abort." 807 00:35:04,785 --> 00:35:06,479 ..I'll come over there and cut your cheek out!" 808 00:35:06,480 --> 00:35:09,199 Do you know what, man, it's a very strange threat. 809 00:35:09,200 --> 00:35:10,920 You don't even know where the fuck I am. 810 00:35:10,960 --> 00:35:13,360 I'm on a mobile phone. Where you gonna come to? 811 00:35:13,400 --> 00:35:14,679 (LINE BEEPS) "To where you are." 812 00:35:14,680 --> 00:35:16,960 - Fuck me hang on. - "I'll fucking kill you!" 813 00:35:16,985 --> 00:35:17,937 What's going on there, then? 814 00:35:18,040 --> 00:35:20,000 - Paul, hang on a minute, love. - Is it call waiting? 815 00:35:20,040 --> 00:35:22,079 - What do you press now? - Hey up, Paul. Listen to me, love. 816 00:35:22,080 --> 00:35:24,719 Your bird's having an affair, in't she? She's cheating on ya. 817 00:35:24,720 --> 00:35:26,295 - "Fuck you!" - See what's before your eyes. 818 00:35:26,320 --> 00:35:27,735 Know what I mean? Chow. 819 00:35:27,760 --> 00:35:29,600 - (POSH ACCENT) Hello? - MAN: "Vincent O'Neill?" 820 00:35:29,640 --> 00:35:32,520 Er, this is his associate, one Mr Shaftner. 821 00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:34,360 - That's cool as fuck. - He'll meet you at midday 822 00:35:34,385 --> 00:35:35,679 tomorrow at Duffy's bar. 823 00:35:35,680 --> 00:35:37,479 Bring samples. And sit by the window. 824 00:35:37,480 --> 00:35:39,879 We will do exactly that, thank you. 825 00:35:39,880 --> 00:35:42,799 - (LAUGHS) Voila, we have a meeting. - Well in. 826 00:35:42,800 --> 00:35:46,223 One spliff I've got left. I were fucking saving it for t'ferry. 827 00:35:49,083 --> 00:35:52,360 I want you on your fucking best behaviour. None of your nonsense. 828 00:35:52,385 --> 00:35:53,879 - Obviously not. - It's big deal, get in there. 829 00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:55,279 Get the fuck in the pub. 830 00:35:55,280 --> 00:35:57,839 Ah ba-ba-ba, you're not going nowhere, you piss head. 831 00:35:57,840 --> 00:35:59,019 - You're not drinking- - I want a drink. 832 00:35:59,044 --> 00:36:02,079 Listen, it's a very serious situation we're all in. I want you out here, 833 00:36:02,080 --> 00:36:04,960 chilling out, we can't go in mobhanded. Fucking give over. 834 00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:07,120 - We can't go in mobhanded. - Go on, fuck off. 835 00:36:07,160 --> 00:36:10,120 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 836 00:36:17,139 --> 00:36:18,920 Shite, Vin... 837 00:36:20,073 --> 00:36:23,280 - ..there's no window seats left. - No, it's alright, we'll just... 838 00:36:24,200 --> 00:36:25,960 We'll just loiter here for a bit. 839 00:36:27,403 --> 00:36:30,480 He specifically said to find a fucking window seat, didn't he? 840 00:36:30,520 --> 00:36:31,799 There's no window seats. 841 00:36:31,800 --> 00:36:34,280 Unless we ask one of these starey bastards to move. 842 00:36:34,320 --> 00:36:36,919 Why does he want us sat near a fucking window seat, anyway? 843 00:36:36,920 --> 00:36:40,239 The demand of a gangster. They need to see people coming in and out. 844 00:36:40,240 --> 00:36:42,080 I don't like this, Vin. We need to get out of here. 845 00:36:42,105 --> 00:36:42,918 Don't be a... 846 00:36:43,000 --> 00:36:44,919 - No, no, hang on. - Stop being a fucking tart, dude. 847 00:36:44,920 --> 00:36:47,399 What if he's correct? What if Niall's got in over his head? 848 00:36:47,400 --> 00:36:48,759 What if this a fucking trap? 849 00:36:48,760 --> 00:36:50,799 What if this fucking Don Randy is, 850 00:36:50,800 --> 00:36:54,160 - in fact, the Irish Don Corleone? - It's not gonna be Don Corleone, 851 00:36:54,200 --> 00:36:56,119 - it's gonna be Donald. - Donald Corleone? 852 00:36:56,120 --> 00:36:58,919 Not D... Right, give over now, pair of ya. 853 00:36:58,920 --> 00:37:00,280 - Look hard. - Woah, woah, woah. 854 00:37:00,305 --> 00:37:01,983 What? Oh, fuck me. 855 00:37:02,085 --> 00:37:03,552 Oh, he looks hard. 856 00:37:03,577 --> 00:37:05,528 - He's a big lad. - Oh, he looks like a killer. 857 00:37:05,553 --> 00:37:07,000 (SHUSHES) 858 00:37:09,480 --> 00:37:11,080 (THICK IRISH ACCENT) Vincent O'Neill! 859 00:37:11,120 --> 00:37:13,040 - Er, D-Don Randy? - Vincent O'Neill? 860 00:37:13,080 --> 00:37:15,480 - Oh, Don Randy? - Pleased to meet you, so I am. 861 00:37:15,520 --> 00:37:18,679 Alright, then. Oh, get in there. 862 00:37:18,680 --> 00:37:21,320 Always good to get a new business associate from the UK. 863 00:37:21,360 --> 00:37:24,000 OK.I see all the window seats are taken, maybe we'll get a booth. 864 00:37:24,040 --> 00:37:27,400 Ciaran here'll get us a few pints. You can drink your hole off. Come. 865 00:37:27,440 --> 00:37:28,759 What was any of that? 866 00:37:28,760 --> 00:37:31,880 - He wants to get a pint to drink our holes off. - Gross dude. 867 00:37:31,920 --> 00:37:34,879 Now then, get your laughing gear round that. 868 00:37:34,880 --> 00:37:36,999 Now honestly, that is the finest plant 869 00:37:37,000 --> 00:37:39,280 you will ever fucking smoke in your life. 870 00:37:39,320 --> 00:37:42,199 What I'm saying is, if you wanna get in the weed business, 871 00:37:42,200 --> 00:37:44,520 we're good men to get in business with. 872 00:37:47,283 --> 00:37:50,840 - Ciaran. - Go easy, Ciaran, for fuck's sake. 873 00:37:50,880 --> 00:37:53,119 - It's bloody strong. - I-I don't touch it myself. 874 00:37:53,120 --> 00:37:55,640 I like a brandy, like to slip my shoes off at the end 875 00:37:55,680 --> 00:37:58,759 and I watch a police procedural and sip away at a fine, fine brandy. 876 00:37:58,760 --> 00:38:00,999 - Summat about brandy? - He likes a tipple in the evening 877 00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:04,520 - and watches a cop show on telly. - Right, yes, yes, now listen, er.. 878 00:38:04,560 --> 00:38:08,000 Now that your, er, beautiful assistant has parted ways with us, 879 00:38:08,040 --> 00:38:11,360 perhaps we might pick your brains about a person of interest to us, 880 00:38:11,400 --> 00:38:13,600 who you might've run into earlier today. 881 00:38:13,640 --> 00:38:16,520 - And who's that then? - Niall Dennings. 882 00:38:19,179 --> 00:38:20,899 Why do you wanna know? 883 00:38:20,924 --> 00:38:23,884 He's got something belonging to an associate of ours. We want it back. 884 00:38:24,999 --> 00:38:26,740 I see. 885 00:38:28,960 --> 00:38:32,400 Yeah, that Niall is fucking idiot, less brains than a slug, 886 00:38:32,440 --> 00:38:33,879 and he owed me money, big, big money. 887 00:38:33,880 --> 00:38:36,080 Gambling debt. He ran off back to England. 888 00:38:36,120 --> 00:38:38,959 So, I told Mardie Fisher to tell him, if ever he come back, 889 00:38:38,960 --> 00:38:41,286 - he's gonna lose both his testicles. - Testicles. 890 00:38:41,287 --> 00:38:43,879 Mardie called me today and said the gobshite is back, 891 00:38:43,880 --> 00:38:46,680 but he had my money. I arranged to meet the fucker at Mardie's. 892 00:38:46,720 --> 00:38:49,159 - None of it. - Niall owed Don Randy money, 893 00:38:49,160 --> 00:38:51,719 - so Mardie Fisher linked 'em back up again. - Right. 894 00:38:51,720 --> 00:38:54,480 - What's he stolen from yer? - The fuck... 895 00:38:54,520 --> 00:38:56,479 - (WHISPERS) The FA cup. - The what? 896 00:38:56,480 --> 00:39:00,799 The fuck... The fucking original FA cup, the cunt's got it. 897 00:39:00,800 --> 00:39:03,775 - Have you seen him with it? - Trophy? No, didn't see that. 898 00:39:03,800 --> 00:39:05,520 - He paid me what he owed me and went. - Fuck me. 899 00:39:05,545 --> 00:39:06,825 - How much did he owe you? - Seven grand. 900 00:39:06,850 --> 00:39:08,360 Seven... Seven grand, I got that. 901 00:39:08,400 --> 00:39:10,120 - I got seven grand. - Where'd he get that from? 902 00:39:10,160 --> 00:39:12,400 He said he got lucky, at Micky Flanagan's sports bar. 903 00:39:12,440 --> 00:39:14,559 You know what I think, he's full of shit. Still... 904 00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:16,199 I got my money, so you know, 905 00:39:16,200 --> 00:39:18,120 - he keeps his testicles. - Testicles again. 906 00:39:18,145 --> 00:39:19,999 We need to get to Mickey Flanagan's sports bar. 907 00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:21,360 - Alright. - Alright, gentlemen. 908 00:39:21,385 --> 00:39:23,317 - I got bits. You're a good lad. - Mm. 909 00:39:24,680 --> 00:39:27,120 ♪ LEROY SIBBLES: Express Yourself ♪ 910 00:39:33,840 --> 00:39:35,400 ♪ Express yourself 911 00:39:38,535 --> 00:39:39,615 ♪ Express yourself... ♪ 912 00:39:39,640 --> 00:39:42,440 Keep your eyes out. It's gotta... Fuck me. It's gotta be in here, man. 913 00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:44,920 It's gotta be, gotta be, got.. Oh, my God, 914 00:39:44,960 --> 00:39:47,999 It's right in front of us. Dude. Michael, you fucking pleb. 915 00:39:48,000 --> 00:39:49,760 Not having a beer. 916 00:39:51,480 --> 00:39:53,240 - Do you know what I mean? - TOMMO: Hello. 917 00:39:53,280 --> 00:39:54,560 It's that badger. 918 00:39:54,600 --> 00:39:56,640 - Fucking it. - Uh-huh. 919 00:39:56,680 --> 00:40:01,240 "This is a life-size replica of the original FA Cup from 1895. 920 00:40:01,280 --> 00:40:03,639 "The original was stolen and was never seen again." 921 00:40:03,640 --> 00:40:06,040 - Fucking replica? - Motherfuckers. 922 00:40:06,080 --> 00:40:07,600 Excuse me, love. 923 00:40:07,640 --> 00:40:09,440 How long's that been in here? 924 00:40:09,480 --> 00:40:11,519 No idea, they're always changing stuff round. 925 00:40:11,520 --> 00:40:14,679 - Well, was it here last week, this, duck? - Don't think so. 926 00:40:14,680 --> 00:40:17,880 No? Well, that's fucking it! Innit? I'll tell you what's happened here, 927 00:40:17,935 --> 00:40:20,399 he's fucking sold it, is what he's done. 928 00:40:20,400 --> 00:40:22,119 He's sold it to these fuckers. 929 00:40:22,120 --> 00:40:24,279 Now they're pretending it's a shagging replica. 930 00:40:24,280 --> 00:40:26,680 You know what I mean? It's fucking real thing, innit? 931 00:40:29,680 --> 00:40:32,159 Alright, come here. Oi, come here to me. 932 00:40:32,160 --> 00:40:33,759 We're gonna have to nick it back. 933 00:40:33,760 --> 00:40:35,255 - How? - What do you mean "how"? 934 00:40:35,280 --> 00:40:36,839 - Method. - Listen to me. 935 00:40:36,840 --> 00:40:41,040 Hundred year ago, this fucking thing here was robbed seamlessly. 936 00:40:41,080 --> 00:40:43,279 We're gonna do the very same thing. We're gonna come in, 937 00:40:43,280 --> 00:40:46,680 under the cover of darkness. We're gonna come through the fucking roof. 938 00:40:46,705 --> 00:40:49,309 Like Maurice's granddad. Can I get a onetime? Come on. 939 00:40:49,334 --> 00:40:50,190 Yeah. 940 00:40:50,480 --> 00:40:52,680 ♪ THE HIGH KEYS: Que Sera, Sera ♪ 941 00:40:54,680 --> 00:40:55,960 ♪ Hey 942 00:40:56,000 --> 00:40:57,480 ♪ Get it set up ♪ Set up 943 00:40:57,520 --> 00:40:59,120 ♪ (VOCALISING) 944 00:41:11,080 --> 00:41:13,160 ♪ When I was just 945 00:41:14,080 --> 00:41:16,160 ♪ A little boy 946 00:41:16,200 --> 00:41:17,760 ♪ I asked my mother 947 00:41:17,800 --> 00:41:19,280 ♪ "What will I be? 948 00:41:19,320 --> 00:41:21,640 ♪ "Will I be handsome? 949 00:41:21,680 --> 00:41:23,480 ♪ "Will I be rich?" 950 00:41:23,520 --> 00:41:26,000 ♪ This is what she said to me 951 00:41:26,040 --> 00:41:32,440 ♪ "Que-e-e-e sera, sera, sera" ♪ Sera, sera 952 00:41:32,480 --> 00:41:34,360 ♪ "Whatever will be" 953 00:41:34,400 --> 00:41:36,320 ♪ Sera, sera ♪ "Will be, will be 954 00:41:36,360 --> 00:41:39,800 ♪ "The future's not ours to see" ♪ Sera, sera 955 00:41:39,840 --> 00:41:43,640 ♪ "Que sera, sera" ♪ Que sera, sera 956 00:41:43,680 --> 00:41:48,280 ♪ "What will be, will be" ♪ Que sera, sera 957 00:41:48,320 --> 00:41:50,200 ♪ When I was just 958 00:41:50,240 --> 00:41:52,840 ♪ A child in school 959 00:41:52,880 --> 00:41:54,280 ♪ I asked my teacher 960 00:41:54,320 --> 00:41:55,440 ♪ "What should I try?"... 961 00:41:55,480 --> 00:41:58,040 (ALARM BLARES) 962 00:41:58,080 --> 00:41:59,960 ♪ "Should I sing songs?" 963 00:42:00,000 --> 00:42:03,160 ♪ This was her wise reply 964 00:42:03,200 --> 00:42:08,800 ♪ "Que-e-e-e sera, sera, sera" ♪ Sera, sera 965 00:42:08,840 --> 00:42:10,680 ♪ "Whatever will be" 966 00:42:10,720 --> 00:42:12,640 ♪ Sera, sera ♪ "Will be, will be 967 00:42:12,680 --> 00:42:16,120 ♪ "The future's not ours to see" ♪ Sera, sera 968 00:42:16,160 --> 00:42:19,840 ♪ "Que sera, sera" ♪ Que sera, sera... 969 00:42:19,880 --> 00:42:22,320 (SIRENS WAIL IN DISTANCE) 970 00:42:23,480 --> 00:42:27,200 ♪ Mamma, will I be a singer? ♪ Que sera, sera 971 00:42:29,040 --> 00:42:30,800 ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey... 972 00:42:30,840 --> 00:42:33,120 (SIRENS WAILING) 973 00:42:33,160 --> 00:42:39,160 ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey... ♪ 974 00:42:39,200 --> 00:42:41,880 (FEERY HORN BLOWS) 975 00:42:41,920 --> 00:42:44,080 (SEAGULLS CRY) 976 00:42:44,120 --> 00:42:46,880 ♪ LINK WRAY: Black River Swamp ♪ 977 00:42:54,240 --> 00:42:56,600 ♪ There's a place... 978 00:42:58,200 --> 00:43:00,840 (GUNSHOT ECHOES) 979 00:43:00,880 --> 00:43:02,800 ♪ Where the pine trees... 980 00:43:02,853 --> 00:43:04,373 (PHONE CLICKS) 981 00:43:04,415 --> 00:43:06,042 ♪ Grow so tall... 982 00:43:06,043 --> 00:43:08,960 - No, let me have it a bit more, will yer? - Calm yourself, jeez. 983 00:43:08,961 --> 00:43:11,198 Bloody hell. Will you let me have it a bit more?! 984 00:43:11,223 --> 00:43:11,938 No! 985 00:43:12,040 --> 00:43:14,400 Will you let me have it? We're trying to take a photo. 986 00:43:14,446 --> 00:43:16,120 - Careful. - Stop.Mick. 987 00:43:16,121 --> 00:43:17,480 - Let me have it. - Oi, eh... 988 00:43:17,505 --> 00:43:18,783 - Let me have it! - Stop, you'll drop... 989 00:43:18,840 --> 00:43:22,120 - Ah, Mick! - Awww! 990 00:43:22,680 --> 00:43:24,680 - Fucking unreal. - No, fuck! 991 00:43:24,720 --> 00:43:25,978 - Dude... - What's going on? 992 00:43:26,003 --> 00:43:28,040 - Are you fucking serious, man? - Ya fucking... It was Ashley. 993 00:43:28,041 --> 00:43:30,040 - Horrible wankers is what you are. - What? 994 00:43:30,080 --> 00:43:32,000 Fucking trophy's gone in the fucking sea. 995 00:43:32,025 --> 00:43:32,962 No! 996 00:43:32,999 --> 00:43:35,599 Oh, Tommo. It was Mick! 997 00:43:35,640 --> 00:43:37,160 - Fucking hell! - Fucking idiots. 998 00:43:37,185 --> 00:43:39,109 Mind the pints. Three for a tenner. 999 00:43:39,160 --> 00:43:42,359 Maurice is NOT gonna be happy about this. 1000 00:43:42,360 --> 00:43:44,559 Why did the captain leave the ship? 1001 00:43:44,560 --> 00:43:47,440 Are you fucking joking? Here's a fucking joke! 1002 00:43:47,480 --> 00:43:49,560 (ALL ARGUING) 1003 00:43:49,600 --> 00:43:51,320 It was fucking Ashley. 1004 00:43:51,360 --> 00:43:53,440 (ARGUING CONTINUES) 1005 00:43:57,120 --> 00:43:58,960 ♪ Down there 1006 00:43:59,000 --> 00:44:01,920 ♪ By the fishing hole 1007 00:44:01,960 --> 00:44:06,320 (OVER SPEAKERS) ♪ And the smell of old Black River... 1008 00:44:06,360 --> 00:44:08,800 - I've already got one. - Oh, no, no, no. 1009 00:44:08,840 --> 00:44:11,880 This isn't the replica, this is the original. 1010 00:44:11,920 --> 00:44:15,320 Original my arse. How's a twat like you got the original? 1011 00:44:15,360 --> 00:44:17,480 I swear to you on my Uncle Teagan's life. 1012 00:44:17,520 --> 00:44:20,240 This is from 1895. 1013 00:44:22,640 --> 00:44:24,960 (HOLLOW THUD) That's the real McCoy. 1014 00:44:26,640 --> 00:44:28,200 How much you looking for? 1015 00:44:28,620 --> 00:44:31,159 For you... seven grand. 1016 00:44:31,160 --> 00:44:32,400 You can get rid of that replica there 1017 00:44:32,401 --> 00:44:35,039 - and have the real thing on display. - You must be joking. 1018 00:44:35,040 --> 00:44:36,880 This is going in my house. 1019 00:44:36,920 --> 00:44:38,400 I don't know how you've got it, 1020 00:44:38,440 --> 00:44:41,759 but this is sporting fucking history, 1021 00:44:41,760 --> 00:44:44,080 - The replica stays where it is. - Mm-hm. 1022 00:44:44,120 --> 00:44:46,120 Right, wait there... 1023 00:44:46,736 --> 00:44:49,720 - ..I'll get your cash. - Good man yourself. 1024 00:44:54,313 --> 00:44:58,960 ♪ I can hear them hound dogs howlin' 1025 00:44:59,680 --> 00:45:03,759 ♪ Chasing that old fox where I used to roam... ♪ 1026 00:45:03,760 --> 00:45:05,320 Where's Vincent? 1027 00:45:05,360 --> 00:45:07,760 MONOLITO: You motherfuckers underestimated me. 1028 00:45:08,080 --> 00:45:10,079 Well now, you're gonna pay. 1029 00:45:10,080 --> 00:45:13,360 - Just come and f.. Ugh. - CARDI: Vin? Fuck! 1030 00:45:13,400 --> 00:45:15,400 - ALL: Ah! - Put it down, what is ...? 1031 00:45:15,440 --> 00:45:16,799 Who else knows about this? 1032 00:45:16,800 --> 00:45:18,960 - Unhand me! Oh! - Oh! 1033 00:45:19,000 --> 00:45:20,720 This isn't normal, Vin. 1034 00:45:20,760 --> 00:45:22,720 Christ, I know it's not fucking normal. 1035 00:45:22,745 --> 00:45:25,527 Sub extracted from file & improved by Se7enOfNin9 for addic7ed.com 1036 00:45:33,520 --> 00:45:37,480 ♪ SIR JOE QUARTERMAN & FREE SOUL: (I Got) So Much Trouble In My Mind ♪ 1037 00:45:37,520 --> 00:45:40,440 ♪ I got so much trouble in my mind 1038 00:45:41,640 --> 00:45:48,640 ♪ I got so much trouble in my mind 1039 00:45:50,320 --> 00:45:52,760 ♪ Give me the strength to carry on 1040 00:45:54,480 --> 00:45:56,880 ♪ Give me the strength to carry on 1041 00:45:58,520 --> 00:46:02,120 ♪ Cos everything I got is just about gone 1042 00:46:02,160 --> 00:46:04,560 ♪ And I think about it... ♪ 1043 00:46:04,600 --> 00:46:07,160 Subtitles by Sky Access Services www.skyaccessibility.sky