The following programme contains very strong language and adult humour.
JIM: (SINGS) We're on the fucking lash.
We're going...last to fucking...
(GROANS)
# Why don't we do it in the road...?
Here we fucking go.
Snooker fucking time!
# Why don't we do it in the road...?
Go for the pink.
# Why don't we do it in the road...?
Oh.
Fucking good old Vinnie.
(GROANS)
Mm. (CHUCKLES)
(SNORES) (DISTANT BANGING)
Huh, what the fuck?
# Why don't we do it In the road...? #
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS, SNORES)
(PHONE VIBRATES) Fucking hell.
Oh.
(GROANS) Fucking Shirley.
What do you want? Goldilocks.
Ooh, fuck me. Er... Yeah. Alright!
# The best things in life are free
# But you can give them To the birds and bees... #
Christ on a fucking bike. What are playing at?!
You could have died if he hadn't saved you.
It's your fault for leaving me them spliffs.
You fucking...SPECIFICALLY...
told me to roll and leave you spliffs.
Have you said thanks to him for saving your fucking life?Thanks.
Wasn't really me, it was Elvis here. He's my new er...hired hand.
We were working late on the silage, and I heard the alarm.
You're a fucking hero is what you are, Elvis,
in your own bleeding lifetime, lad. Fuck me.Hey.
You should have seen the flames. It were like Towering Inferno.
Towering Inferno? Don't ask.
It'll be a shit fucking film from a bygone age.No.
Star-studded cast - Steve McQueen, Paul Newman.
Faye Dunaway takes her top off. What are you gonna do tonight, eh?
Cos you can't stay in there, can you? Fucking bollocks.
Soon as they've watered it down, I'll be good as gold.Fella.
Sorry to bother you. Have you got a sec?
MAN: Yeah.What's the odds on him staying in there, tonight?
Zero. It's full of toxic particles.
Toxic particles. I'll leave the fucking window open.
You're not getting back in there. Oh, for fuck's sake!
That Elvis is a nice lad, isn't he?
You could do with a nice strong young man about that yard, you know?
Well, don't say it like that. Say it like what?
In a gay way. I'm not saying it in a gay way.
I'm saying you're not getting any younger,
and if tonight's events were anything to go by, your fucking dementia's bad an' all, in't it?
(GRUMBLES)Mind the bloody handle on that. It's fucked.
I'm fine.
You're fucking not. You're old.
I tell you what...
Elvis is a brave name to call your son, in't it? Very bold.
It's like calling your kid Caesar or summat.
It's a lot to live up to, that.
Went out with this woman once - had a kid called Elvis.
Amazing, she was.
Computer whizz. Hey, before it was fashionable.
It's never been cool. Wasn't just sex, Vin.
She got inside me. With the...?
No! You fucking animal.
(LAUGHS) You...! Fucking hell.
Although...
she was sexually adventurous.
Was she, indeed? Very.
Alright. No, Vin. VERY.
I fucking understand.
(SIGHS)
Beatrice Ebden.
I can see her now.
D... Beatrice Ebden?
Yeah... You great twat.
What? For God's sake, dude.
Bloody Elvis. I says to him...
'Do you do any agency work?'
Give you a fucking hand around the yard. He's text me...
his fucking second name. Look.
Fucking hell. Elvis Ebden.
He's Beatrice's son. When were last time you seen her?
Years back. Well, he might be your lad.
He's not mine, is he?! He was already born when I saw her.
Doesn't matter, though, does it?
So she had him before she met you.
What's the problem? Nothing.
Mm. It's just...
Fucking hell.
Beatrice Ebden.
Beatrice bloody Ebden.
I need a wazz.
# STATUS QUO: Pictures Of Matchstick Men #
Fuck.
Fucking hell, Bea.
# When I look up to the sky I see your eyes
# A funny kind of yellow... #
(WHIMPERS) Oh, bugger me.
(SNORES) Morning.
Where do you keep coming from?
(PHONE VIBRATES)
Unknown number. Piss.
Oh, fuck it.
Hello.
Holy fuck!
(RINGS)
What?
Listen. I need to borrow an hearse and a body bag cos we've gotta bring someone back.
You paying? Meena, it's a favour.
Well, how long's it gonna take? I...
don't...know.
(WHIMPERS) Fuck's sake.
# CREEDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL: Fortunate Son #
# Some folks are born Made to wave the flag... #
(WHIMPERS) I didn't know you had a dog.
I don't. He's not mine. It keeps turning up at the bloody shack.
Don't know what to do with it now, to be honest with you.
There's only two options. Well, three.
Oh! Maybe four. No, three.
Give me the fucking options before I murder you.
Adopt him. Right.
Take him to the pound. Yeah.Or...
drive him right to the top of Langworth Dale,
lob him out, let him fend for himself.
You're just an horrible... fucking old twat, aren't you?
I would rather live with that scruffy bastard there than live with you.
There's services coming up there. Can we stop?
Well, if we stop now, you'll piss, then drink, then 20 minutes later,
your swollen old prostate will have us stopping all over again.
Well, fine.
I'll use your water bottle, then! Hey!Gross.
Do not get that out! It's coming down the valve.No.
You dare put your dick in there! Oh, I'm loosening.I swear to God.
Oh.It's coming out! One drop, and I swear to God!
The fucking services, then! Fine!(CHUCKLES)
Fuck. Disgusting farmer dick.
(MUTTERING) Oh, fucking...
How, in God's name, has it taken you that long?
I've bought a coffee, drank the coffee,
smoked a fag and called my mum.
It turned into a surprise shit. Did it?Yeah.
But not a satisfying one.
It was a hanger. There was a piece that wouldn't fall.
So I had to sit a minute and encourage it.
Right, can we go? Hey.
You'll never guess what they've got in there, in the condom machine.
Vibrating dilly rings.
Vibrating dilly rings?
And tingly body rub. Is 'dilly' your word or theirs?
Mine. You call your penis a dilly?
Eh. You're missing the point.
Who goes to a fucking services and thinks,
'Oh, I'll treat myself to some tingly body lotion
and a vibrating dilly ring?'
It's bad enough I've had to tolerate your halitosis
for the first half of this trip.
And now you're talking about tingly body rub and vibrating dilly rings.
A woman can only take so much.
You're a bit fucking uptight, aren't you?
No wonder your husband left you.
You fucking what?
Hey? Unlike you...
I've got time to find someone better.
Someone that's gonna fucking love me,
which is something a disgusting,
stinky old dilly-ring twat like you will never find!
I'm lovable!
I've been loved. Fuck off!
And I'll be loved again! Yes, guys.
Wagwan. You alright?
She's fucking bats. (WHIMPERS)
Is everything alright?
Fuck. Watch my fucking head. Oh, sorry.
Woo, he's a big weeing lad, aren't you?
(RINGS)
MAN: (ON INTERCOM) Hello? Er... Now, then. Er... Undertakers.
We're here to collect a body from flat five.
A body?! Yes, shame. Drugs.
Drug taking.
Fucking hell.
Who called you? The Landlord.
Finchy? Yes...Mr Finch.
Did you know him, flat five man?
No. Not at all. Never met him.
Oh.Well, erm... you can leave it to us now.
Why's there a scruffy old tramp in your hearse?
He's sad. He's a sad... He's a relative.
He's a relative of the deceased. With a dog?
Oh, yeah. It's all he's got left, unfortunately. It's heartbreaking.
(DOG WHIMPERS) Oh, dear.
You're a hero. Thanks for letting us in.
OK.Ah, just go! Be careful!
Do you want an invite to the funeral, fella?No.
Right you are.
This way, please.
Why the fuck does Vinnie want me to bring a baby to an undertaker's?
I'm really sorry, Sugar, to drag you down here, you and the baba.
But I need you to come and... identify this body.
Unfortunately.You fucking kidding? I don't wanna see a dead body. Who is it?No, I'm not kidding.
No, and no-one said it isn't sad.
Jim, if you could just take the top zip there, please.
Do you recognise this man?! Ooh!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
(CHEERING)
How are you back?I just couldn't be away from you any longer.
And the police were onto me, so we had to get out of undercover.
I've missed you both, so much.
I mean, if you can even miss someone you've never met before.
Well, you can meet him now. (LAUGHS)
One boy. Oh, Christ.
Look at him! (CHUCKLES)
It's my little boy. Hello!
Look at his little hands... Precious man.
Oh, come here. (BABY CRIES)
Say hello to your dad. Say hello! It's OK.
I love you. Love you too.
(COOING) Look at him.
# I left my head
# Look behind, moving on
# Moving on... #
(KICKS DOOR)
Shirley!
I need a place to stay.
Well, well, well. I got kicked out of Vinnie's shack.
We may have had our differences over the years,
but like the European Union - before you idiots got us out -
I see us as a shared community.
How long you on holiday for? Seven days. Four-star hotel.
Breakfast included. I'll be out before you get back.
Spare room only. I'll be locking my bedroom door.
You don't go in, and no shoes on my rugs. And no smoking.
Anything else? Yeah.
Fucking thank you.
# LOVE AFFAIR: The First Cut Is The Deepest #
Oh, posh place.
# But there's someone Who's torn it apart
# And she's taken almost all That I've got
# And if you want I'll try to love again
# Baby, I'll try to love again
# But I know
# The first cut is the deepest... #
(MUSIC STOPS)
# ODETTA: Hit Or Miss #
# (VOCALISING)
# (VOCALISING)...
Hello, Bea. Fancy a drink?
Yes. (LAUGHS)
Not fucking bad, Jim.
# I've gotta be me... #
(LIFT BELL DINGS)
Oh, I see my appointment.
Selling some shares.
Alright.
(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
Silicon Valley, eh?
What are they like? Twats.
I thought we did very well. Alright. (LAUGHS)
See you tomorrow. See you later.
Nice chatting, pal.
Er... Meeting cancelled.
(ALARM CHIRPS)
Oh.
Fancy seeing you here, Bea.
Oh, it's been so long.
Well, er...it's just a coincidence.
Shit!
You alright down there?
Fine. Just ignore me.
Have you lost something?
No. I'm hiding. Just get on with what you're doing.
I'm afraid you can't sit there, mate.
Why not? It's Health and Safety.
It's a floor. What do you think's gonna happen?
Something could fall on you. It's fucking breadsticks.
I'm gonna have to ask you to move.
When I was your age, I was stirring slurry and getting into fist fights,
not putting breadsticks on shelves and wanking to Pornhub.
I'm gonna call my supervisor.
Fucking do that, pal. Brendan.
This man's on the floor, and he's refusing to move.
Jim?
Bea.
I...I dropped something.
Ha, God!
Fancy meeting you here.
I know! It's been... How long's it been?
Ages. Ages.
God. I mean, this is madness! Yeah!
Well, give us a hug. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh.
(LAUGHS) You're looking well.
Do you work round here, then? Er... Yeah, not far. Porter Collins.
Never heard of 'em. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Are you er...still on the old...?
For my sins. (CHUCKLING)
I always told you I was ahead of the curve.You did.
Are you still...?
I mean, what else am I gonna do, eh?
It's real man's work, in't it?
It's so lovely to see you, Jim.
You too.
Right.
I suppose...you know, if it...
if it's not too weird...
Well, maybe we could meet up,
you know, go for a drink or something?
Sir.
I'm informed you've been unpleasant to my staff,
so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the store.
I'm having a conversation with this lady,
so why don't you...and you...
come back to me when you've finished fucking puberty.
I can call the police. Well, why don't you do that, then?
And then they can arrest this chap for crimes against haircuts.
I'm instructing the till operator not to serve you.
OK, then, we'll use self-checkout.
Unbelievable.
It's fashion. Yeah, right.
(CHUCKLES MOCKINGLY) (SCOFFS)
(CHUCKLES) My card.
Cretinous, I know, but they make us carry them.
Thanks, Bea.
# AIR: Sexy Boy #
I'll speak to you. I'll be in touch.
Good.
DAVEY: So... what do you think, Vincent?
VINNIE: Shit.
Look. I don't...
I don't mind... I don't mind working with you.
But I'm not working with McCann. He's fucking dangerous.
Don't you worry about McCann, sweetheart.
I'm dealing with him personally...
although he's an impossible man to get hold of.
Now, listen, Vincent. (DOG WHINES)
Jason has set up a meeting for me and Donna,
with Joey Kittens, the distributor.
And I'm hearing that he's a man not to be messed with.
He's been known to dish out punishment beatings with his three-inch heels.
Oh, shit. Right, well, just... Fuck.
Let me know when it's all sorted. I've gotta go off-radar for a bit.
I've got some personal shit going on. Off-radar?
Playing with your pooch? No, he's not mine.
It's cute. Whose is it?
I don't know, poor little bugger. I'll tell you one thing.Mm.
He fucking hates white guys with moustaches.
That's a strange prejudice for a dog.
Mm. Hello.
Come here. Come to Davey. (GROWLS)
(GROWLS) (GROWLS)
(BARKS)
D'you know what I mean? (SNARLS)
If he growls at me like that again, Vincent,
I'll drop kick the motherless mutt...
into Manolito's marvellously manicured maze.
Christ, that's a lot of M's. Toodle-oo, Vincent.
Alright.
Come on, sexy bollocks, let's have you. Oh, Christ,
Talking about sexy fucking bollocks. Size of them fuckers.
Got this, Jim. (MUSIC PLAYS IN NEXT ROOM)
(CHUCKLES) Oh.
(LAUGHTER)
No!No. No. We did. We dropped the whole lot.
Oh, my God! How much was that worth?
Oh, thousands.
One spunk sample from a film-star bull...
can sell for hundreds of pounds.
Wow, I'm in the wrong business. (LAUGHS) You are.
Bull jizz, that's where the real dough is. (CHUCKLES)
Mind you, you're doing alright.
Porter Collins...
online security executive.
I sit at a desk all day staring at columns of code.
My back's playing havoc, and my neck constantly burns.
Cheers. Cheers.(CHUCKLES)
Can I tell you something?
Oh, God, you're not dying, are you? Oh!
Heart of a fucking ox, me. (CHUCKLES)
No, it's about, erm...
..how we met again. Right.
(SIGHS) The accidental meeting...
..wasn't so accidental.
How do you mean? Right, don't get angry, but...
..I'd looked you up... on your website.
And then, sort of...followed you.
(STAMMERS) Not in a creepy way.
I-I just wanted to see you again.
I wasn't even sure I was gonna say anything.
What prompted that?
Well, it's, erm...
..your Elvis.
I met him. He saved my life.
He's working at the next farm.
He didn't recognise me.
Not a flicker. And I didn't recognise him.
(STAMMERS) It was just the name.
Yeah. He's a good boy.
He got over it.
I suppose kids...
..adapt and...
..forget. Took a while.
After what happened.
I kept my marriage together for a while, for his sake.
But eventually...
How about you? Well.
(CHUCKLES) Mine was as good as over then.
God, this has got heavy, hasn't it? Yeah.Let's get another drink.
Yeah. Yeah. Hey, mate.Let's get- Can we have the same again?
# ETTA JAMES: A Sunday Kind Of Love #
You know one of those daft things that stays with you?
I've no idea why. What?
We used to always start each phone call with...
(SIMULTANEOUSLY) Hey, missy.Hey, mister.
(CHUCKLES)
And we'd end them with, 'Bye, you.' Bye, you.
We were cute.
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
I see couples like that now...
and I wanna vomit. (CHUCKLES)
Me too.
So...what now?
I've er...
I've got an early start...
..in the morning.
Yeah. Yeah, me too.
Right, well, er... Absolutely.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.Right, then.
Well, we'll do this another time, if you like?Yeah. Yeah, definitely!
Yeah. Definitely.
Bye, Jim.
Bye, Bea.
Fuck.
JJ: Do you know what, yeah?
I've had a lot of time to think while I've been away.
And I've figured out a theory about how I've ended up in this fucking mess.
D'you think it's cos you sold class A's, like a twit?
No, dude.
Sarim. Sarim.
He's fucking set me up. Why would your cousin set you up?
Because he's a fucking prick, and I've...always hated him.
Look, just hear me out, right? Go on.
I was only storing coke in the garage for a cut of the profit.
Which is also a dick move. Yeah, alright, I know.
But even then, literally selling tiny amounts.
Just to make a little bit more for the baby.
But Sarim... he sold fucking kilos of it.
And I think he has thrown me under the bus to deflect from himself.
Fucking hell. Right, well, we better prove your bloody innocence.
We better do it quick, an' all, if you're gonna get a lesser sentence.
Do you know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna set him up.
Am I a genius, or am I a genius?
You are a genius, but it looks...
I just feel like they might be a bit showbiz.
Showbiz they may look, but what the untrained eye doesn't see...
There's a high definition camera right in the middle of these specs.
It's in the frame, wired in. Next question?Why do you have 'em?
Got them online. Just thought they were quite exciting in a James Bond kind of way.
They're nothing like Ja... James Bond doesn't even wear glasses.
Yeah, well, I got these as well. Cigarettes, little camera inside.
That's good. I like this one. It's a lot less.
Whose dog is that? Has it been here the whole time?
I forgot about him. He's been abandoned.
It's a fucking shame. I'm just looking after him. Stay on topic, will you? You always do this.
Right, right. We go and see Sarim. What are we trying to achieve?
We want a confession. So, he thinks JJ's on the run, right?
I'm gonna offer up JJ's garage.
Then we'll just push him for more information.
Know what I mean?Think that'll work? Fuck, yeah, it'll work.
Sarim's a greedy fuck. He'll see pounds signs. Anyway.
Look, we've got all t'gear. Yeah.Maybe not them, though.
Speaking of pushing for information.
I'm James Bond, and you're stung.
Vin-They don't look like James Bond glasses, dude.
These are very cool.He's never said anything like that.This is what they wear in West London.
(WITH POSH ACCENTS) Hello. Hello.Well!
Welcome to London. Mate. Mate. Mate.
Tommo, will you come pick us up?
They're driving me fucking mad, these two cunts. Good lad.
# BEN E KING: Fever #
Now...
JJ wants you to know he's safe, alright?
He also wants you to know...
that that garage...
that's yours...to do what you will.
You know what I mean? Now, listen.
He's giving you the garage under one condition.
You have to give us 10% of whatever it is...
that you fucking sell in or store in the garage.
You understand what I'm fucking getting at?Eg...cocaine.
Cocaine. Cocaine?
I mean, it's cocaine, in't it? It's cocaine, yeah.Cocaine.
It's probably cocaine.
Cocaine? Cocaine.Cocaine.
I'm an estate agent.
Cocaine. It's a generous offer, but...
all that drugs business is JJ's doing.
How many fucking houses do you sell?
You drive a fifty grand car...
living in that fucking enormous house.
You're not hiding it well, are you? What's he on?
That fucking beautiful estate - Leycroft, or some shit.
I'm involved in nothing. I'm a hard-working man...
Mm...that goes out every day and builds a life for his family.
I'm a loving husband, and an honest, decent man.
Yeah.
Send JJ my best.
Nice glasses, by the way.
Nice shoot. Suit. Fuck!
Who wears Joop nowadays? Do you know what I mean?
He didn't trust us during that. I don't know why.
It's your Mr Magoo glasses.
Isn't it? You look like Edna Mode.
Ah...That's such a good reference. Well in.Incredibles.
I should have brought the cigarette packet instead.
Right, well, we tried as best, didn't we, eh?
All we can do now is give JJ a very good happy-going-to-jail party.
# TELEMAN: Short Life #
# Hello, again, yeah, it's me again
# I changed my hair
# I changed my address
# But the feelings follow
# Wherever you tread
# I sing for money
# Dance if you like
# Take a picture, it's a short life
# I wanna feel alive...
(CHEERING)
# Short life
# Burning on and not turning back
# It's a short life, short life
# Burning on and not turning back
# A short life Underneath the same sun
# So hold on to someone
# It's a short life, a short life
# So dance with someone, come on... #
(DOOR WHIRRS)
(DOOR LOCKS)
Well, this is unexpected.
Joey...
I'm Donna.
And I want to start by saying... No.
You're wearing lovely lippy.
And I like your hair.
It...flatters you.
But when it comes to business, I'm old-school.
So I'll be talking to your brother. Hm?
We're an equal partnership...
aren't we?
Like Wham.
So, what is it you want from me?
Continuity, sweetheart.
In Manolito's absence, we provide the same product,
and the relationship continues as it did before.
The only change being I'm not Egyptian,
and I don't have a penchant for exotic monkeys.
Except that one.
(LAUGHTER)
OK, agreed.
As long as you get authorisation from Mr McCann, we're continuity-a-go-go.
That's a dealbreaker...is it?
Problem, exotic monkey?
No, absolutely no problem at all.
Is it, Donna?
(CAR DOOR OPENS)
Okey-dokey.
I mean, I might get ten years.
I can't get fucking ten years.
How are you gonna get ten years on a first offence?
You thick twat. Well, five, then.
Come out of prison, little fella's gonna be in school.
He's not even gonna know me.
ASHLEY: What else are you gonna do, JJ? You've tried running.
It's either go to prison or hide out in Vin's shack for the rest of your life.
Hm.That bloke in the Scottish Highlands, he did forty years -
said he preferred being alone.
That sounds nice.
Fucking sounds nice. You can't be on your own for five minutes.
You can't have a poo without needing a chat.
Fucking...Sarim, yeah? Do you know what pisses me off?
I know he's been up to all kinds of shit.
I've been to his house. I've seen him on his fucking laptop.
But he's Teflon, ain't he? Everyone thinks he's this respectable guy.
We need access to his computer, so.
None of us know how to do that.
Oh, fucking Beatrice!
Beatrice, dude. What about her?
You told me she was a computer whizz. You ask her.
Oh, no.You will. No. No. No. No.Come on.
Every single time I've fucking involved a female friend...
in your bullshit, it ends in fucking disaster!
One time. Twice.
This'll be the third?Yes! JJ: Jim.
Does she know how to hack into computers?Almost certainly.
She's gotta fucking help me, then. She's a fucking professional person!
She can fucking give us a hand. Jim, look at that baby's face.
Do not make me look at the baby. Look at that baby.
I won't look at the baby! Do you want that baby to grow up without his dad?(YELLING)
Look at the baby.
Aww. (GRUNTS)
I'll ask her, you fucking twats. Yes! Good lad.
BEATRICE: Are you aware of the 1990 Computer Misuse Act?
Or the 2018 Data Protection Act?
I mean, cybercrime carries a potential two-year imprisonment.
You're right. I told 'em.
But he's a desperate man, and he's clutching at straws.
Look, forget I asked. I'll bell him up and tell him it's no dice.
Hey. I didn't say I wouldn't do it.
I just said it's incredibly risky.
But I could be persuaded.
Bea... What?
Are you sure about this?
Oh! Well, it seems you are.
Oh, I've got a boner like a wood mallet.
But your lad's in that field.
I'm parked round the back - he doesn't know I'm here.
Bea.
Splitting up with you...
..it did a number on me.
I don't wanna open myself up to that again.
You won't. I promise.
(GRUNTS) You and me were right, Jim.
It's just the time that was wrong.
(GRUNTS)
I still like ALL the same things.
Oh, fuck. (MOANING)
# T REX: 20th Century Boy #
Right, I've set a program running that scans 100,000 options a minute
to crack Sarim's password.
Does it usually work? What's your password?
Carol...6969.
Christ.Exactly. It's something easy to remember.
You want my advice, use an underscore -
massive pain in the bum to hack an underscore.
Right, well, let's hope Sarim hasn't used one.
No, we're in. VINNIE: You're fucking joking.What?
That was really fucking quick. Expert, you see?
Computer genius.It's just about knowing the right software.
Right, I need plausible deniability.
I'm not looking at a single email.
I'm going to leave the room and fix myself a drink.
Listen, like, thank you so much. Pleasure.
She's amazing. You, dickhead.
Where the fuck did you find her? She's an old friend of mine.
I think you're punching way above your weight.
OK, right, we need notes, screenshots -
anything in these emails that can incriminate Sarim.
Go on. I don't understand this shit, dude.Right.
Now I've done a favour for him, I need yous to do a favour for me.
There's a sentence to put the fear of God into the heart.
What do you want from us? You're travellers.
You live in shitty caravans. Oi!Fucking watch it, Jim.
We are fucking travellers. We don't live in shitty caravans.
Your fucking people do. I need one...
to live in while the repairs are being done on my house.
Are you not staying with Paslowski? Yeah, while he's away.
But he's due back on Sunday, and I'm not gonna stay living with him
like we're Morecambe and cunting Wise.
OK. I have an idea. Now, will you require an indoor toilet?
Fuck me, you'll need a fucking indoor, outdoor, the lot.
Unless you want him shitting all over t'front garden like a feral fox.
Bloody arsehole on this bastard here.
It's weary from years of toil.
ALL: Oh!
Well, it looks like you've still got some feelings
for the old flame, doesn't it, eh?
What makes you think that? Well, I fucking saw it. I could tell.
(SCOFFS) Women.
They just break your heart and screw you up.
Well, sounds like there's a story in that. Are you gonna tell me?
I don't wanna talk about it.
Oh, will you piss off, man? Get it off your fucking chest.
Come on.
We were both married... but not happy.
We started having an affair.
It was the first time in my life, that...
I couldn't stop thinking about someone.
I was fucking besotted. Yeah.
Oh, I know you think I'm just an old cunt that stinks of pigs.
You are.But I have feelings, Vin. I know.
Just because I don't post 'em on Facefuck like the rest of the world.
Don't... Don't get into one of your rants.
Tell me how you split up. What happened?
Well, she's sexually...
very adventurous.
You did... Yeah, you mentioned that. No, Vin.
(WHISPERS) Very. (MOUTHING)
I mean, I'm broadminded. Hmm.
But every time we'd done one thing...
she wanted to push it further. Right.
And further. Alright.
Yeah, and you do it, don't you, if you're besotted?
Yeah. I know what you mean. Yeah. I get it, I do. I mean...
Well, we were at her house one day.
Thought we had the place to ourselves, and...
she'd arranged this...
particular adventure.
And we were right in the midst of it -
fucking worst possible moment...
..when in walked little Elvis. Oh, shit.
We didn't see him straight away because, like, we were so...
I mean, fucking God knows how much he saw.
But we just heard this little voice.
(HIGH-PITCHED) 'Mummy?' Ah.
And he was just fucking stood there...
Yeah...like the fucking image would be burnt on his eyeballs
for the rest of his fucking life.
How old was he, though? Oh, I dunno, eight?
Eight.
She ended it with me straight away.
It broke her marriage,
and it tore that fucking kid's life apart.
I should never have gone looking for her.
I should get her back out of my life again.
Jimbo, that's a shit idea if she's making you happy.
Happy? And what is happy?
It's like the fucking sunshine.
Oh, it's nice while it's out,
and then suddenly, the clouds come along, and you're piss-wet through.
Fuck it.
Happiness is a cunt.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Sarim, you naughty boy.
Ah, guys!
Guys! I think I know what's going on. Right.
We are gonna need some hardcore surveillance on this fucker!
Who knows how to use a camera? I do.
Aye, and me. I also...please.
(SHUTTER CLICKS)
Let me have a go? (SHUTTER CLICKS)No.
Please.
Do you know how to use it?
Er... Yes. I've used a camera before, Meena.
OK, keep the subject centre of frame.
Use a long focal length for exaggerated depth of field.Yeah.
Use shorter lengths to balance sharpness between foreground and background.
Be careful of camera shake. These lenses magnify the worst parts of your photo.
Oh, my God! You just keep it, then.
# BEASTIE BOYS: Sure Shot #
(SHUTTER CLICKS) Shit, he's on the move. Go.
# I'm on like Dr John, yeah, Mr Zu Zu
# I'm a newlywed, not a divorcee
# And everything I do is funky Like Lee Dorsey
# Well, it's the taking Of the Pelham 123
# If you want a doody rhyme...
Get down.What are you doing?Just get down. Just be a tripod.Fuck.
Hey! Hey, you said you wanted to help.
(SHUTTER CLICKS)Not like this. It's demeaning, Meena.Just stay still.
# I keep my underwear up with a piece of elastic
# I use a bullshit mic that's made out of plastic...
Can I at least press the button?
Fine, go on.
Thank you.
# Cos you can't You won't, and you don't stop
# Cos you can't You won't, and you don't stop #
Fine. Oh, yeah, finally.
(EXHALES)
(PHONE BEEPS)
(LINE RINGS)
BEATRICE: (ON VOICEMAIL) Hello, this is Beatrice Ebden, leave a message.
(BEEP) Bea.
It's Jim.
Listen, there's summat I need to say.
(TRACTOR ENGINE CHUGS) Jim?!
Jim, you fucking deaf cunt!
(TRACTOR DOOR CLOSES) Jim?!
Ha, mister! Do you know where Jim is?
Oh, he'll be over on his own farm.
I'm after getting him a caravan,
but I need a big strong vehicle to help me pull it along.
I can help, if you like? You can?
Oh, my God, you're an angel. Do you know that?
VINNIE: This is our opportunity to look fucking cool.
I wanna see some smouldering. ASHLEY: Mm.
CARDI: Intimidation. Absolutely!Yeah.
Entrapment. Don't mention entrapment.
Listen, don't mention entrapment or anything like that.
Here we go. Oh, yeah, look - pillars.
Just listen.Let's lean. Lean on the pillars.Don't do anything daft.
Already, you're getting on my tits. (DOORBELL RINGS)
Looks cool.Don't lean on the pillars.Intimidation. It's threatening and cool.
Dude, it looks like a Christian rock album.
The three Muske-fuckheads.
Nice to see you, too, Sarim.
Yeah, what the fuck are you lot doing here? This is my house.
What if my wife was here? I don't want her knowing I associate with low lives.
We knew your wife weren't here, Sarim.
We watched her leave.
That was cool.Foreboding. That was foreboding.Yeah.
Smouldering and everything. You've been watching my house?
Some new information has come to light. May we?
This is you leaving your estate agent's office.
This is you arriving at a house for sale, meeting a female client.
Here you are going inside with said female client.
Doing the same thing again, at another house for sale,
with another female client, and again, meeting a female client.
That's you. That's me. Mixed them up.
Why have you got that in there? That's one of mine. Yeah.
So what are you suggesting?
You're taking your lady friends into the houses you have for sale.
And then I'll tell you what you're doing.
I think you're using other people's houses to store and sell your drugs.
Prove it.Here you are receiving a package full of drugs from this man.
Arriving at another house for sale, waiting for this man...
to come and get it from a black duffel bag.
I'm gonna take all this shit we've gathered here,
and I'm gonna give it to Carl Slater.
That dog-bumming twat? Yeah, the very same.
And when he sees all this, I think he's gonna wanna look at houses...
two, five, and seven, is it? Mm.
I reckon there's gonna be a bunch of drugs in there
that belong to you an' all, in't there?
Looks like we're gonna have to ring Detective Poodle Shagger.
That's a bit close. Oh!
Too close. Fucking JJ!
He deserves jail!
He ruined my fucking wedding.
So, yes, I set him up!
And I'll tell you now, if you lot squeal on me,
I'll take that bastard down with me.
I'll say he's up to his eyes in gear.
And whatever I get, he's gonna get the fucking same.
Now, get the fuck out of my house.
Yeah, I think we've got it. Say cheese.
Sorry about that. (GRUNTS)
# THEE SACRED SOULS: Can I Call You Rose? #
A voicemail? Really?
Look, I just wanted to say what I needed to say.
I helped your friend. That was a criminal act.
You owe me.
Well, at least let me inside so we can talk about this.
Come on.
(ON VIDEO) I'll take that bastard down with me.
And whatever I get, he's gonna get the fucking same.
That's quite the dossier. Now, listen.
JJ's no angel, but he's not been selling cocaine
like Sarim's been selling fucking cocaine.
Yeah. He still jumped bail.
Yes, but only because, you know, he's er...
scared and innocent.
Innocent? He was just frightened.
He had no money and this brand-new baby on the way.
So he sold a bit of gear like a muppet.Yeah, well, you know.
It's understandable - it's what any parents-to-be would do...
take up the drug trade. Here, look, just trust me.
We're all mad with him for doing what he's done.
He's missed the birth of his son. I-I mean...
he's been terrified - looking over his fucking shoulder for months now.
Boo-hoo.(ENGINE STARTS) Fucking hell, right.
No, no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm doing it. Carl. Carl, come here.
Look at that baby.I'm not looking at a baby.Look at it.
Look at the fucking baby, Carl. Right? Look at it!
Look at it, square in the eye.
Right, do you want that baby to grow up fatherless?Listen.
Look at all three of us under a fucking bridge, doing this.
He had no mum and dad,
in and out of foster homes all his life, and now he's fucked.
My dad was a pisshead, and my mam fucked off when I was only little.
I'm fucked! You had no dad around.
Your nan had to drag you up. And her poodle.
I swear to God... Argh.
Are you gonna bring the fucking poodle up now?
Tell him you're sorry. Sorry. I am, actually. I'm sorry.
Listen, sending JJ to jail serves zero purpose.
Whereas Sarim.....and his supplier. You know, cos he will cough up.
But look, we're gonna have to move fucking quick,
or he's gonna move the evidence, man.
(TRACTOR APPROACHES)
Oh.
Should we not leave it outside Jim's house?
Oh, no, there's a few repairs I can help him with.
I'll just get the tools. You're a good man, you know, Elvis?
You just help us uncouple it? No bother.
# LOVE AFFAIR: The First Cut Is The Deepest #
Mum?
# I would have given you all of my heart...
(GROANING, GRUNTING)
# And she's taken almost all that I've got...
(GROANING, GRUNTING)
# Baby, try to love again...
JIM: It won't fit in there! Argh! (JIM AND BEATRICE MOANING)
Mummy? (SQUELCHING)
# The first cut is the deepest...
Fuck! Fucking hell!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck! Fucking cunt!
(WHIMPERS)
Fucking... Fucking cunt...
# When it comes to being lucky, I know
# That's how I know
# The first cut is the deepest
# Baby, I know
# The first cut is the deepest...
(INHALES)
(EXHALES) # I still want you by my side
# Just to help me dry the tears from my eyes
# And I'm sure gonna give you a try
# And if you want I'll try to love again... #
(DOOR RELEASE BUZZES)
(DISTANT CHATTER)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
It looks like Manolito's cruise has gone through the Bermuda Triangle.
He's not coming back.
What would you like me to do about the usurpers?
Manolito...
had something very precious of mine.
And I want it back.
Keep them close...
and pretend everything's nice and dandy.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Mm.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Hello, everybody!
Oh, my... (ALL EXCLAIM)
Where are all your clothes? We live in a big community.
We have no possessions. No phones.
No internet. No underpants.
I am gonna go in, undercover. (SUGAR YELPS)
See if they are ripping him off or not.Judith, Jon.
This is Ashley. Did you see it, Jon?
What, his massive penis?
There is no need... Oh!
Why don't you join us? Yeah.
(EXHALES) Join us, Ash.
(ECHOING) Yes, Ashley, join us.
# I got so much trouble in my mind
# Give me the strength to carry on
# Cos everything I got Is just about gone
# And I think about it
# I think about it
# I think about it... #
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