Don't breathe in so much-
Don't fucking breath on you. Why?
Just onions innit, and egg. Yeah.
I had onion and egg for breakfast with a bit of tomatoes.
It's Mediterranean.
Hush up. Listen. Your breath is terrible now.
And look where we are.
You're such a breathy talker. You fucking
Hi everyone, I am Ashely.
I have had Mediterranean for breakfast.
What am I supposed to have for breakfast?
Fuck off man.
Your man said this was a stupid idea.
One of Tommo's shag wagon... Fuck truck. Erotic parlour.
One of his clients is a very rich Swedish businessman. Right.
And he carries a bag full of cash wi' him, everywhere he goes.
- Including into our sessions. - Ow! I'm sorry mother.
So what you want us to fucking swipe it mid spank?
Ow, yes! Yes.
It's a bit more complicated than that, you see.
The cash is very closely integrated into the roll play itself.
It's er sort of er, Freudian, y'know.
However, tomorrow morning
he's asked for my services in a hotel room, right?
So what I'm thinking is, you lot distract his bodyguard.
Pencil Full Of Lead #
You alright?
I think I'm having a heart attack.
One of you swoops in and nicks the bag as fast as...
..sabre skin. Niche reference. Course.
Where will you be waiting until the Bodyguard gets out of the way?
Broom cupboard. Do you know what I mean?
Ash. Fantastic.
I mean that's a stupid idea.
It's actually a brilliant idea. Right?
Yeah.
Oh shit. Let's do this.
Hang on dude. Stop! It's only 1-2 fucking 6.
It's 126, I'm telling ya. Go on.
Oh. No! Masked invaders. Tommo what you wearing that for
Fuck!
Oh, he's fucking massive!
No. No. No!
There's fucking scented oils, Thomas.
Why is he so slippy.
I've never seen them in my life.
I have never seen them before in my life.
What do you think? I can't offer up a dry massage, can I Vin?
Oh, sorry, Boss.
Gentlemen, uh, carry on.
Thank you!
The gun!
Big gun. Bang bang.
It stinks of lavender man.
You get it?
Hold on. Hold on. I drop a bag.
Let's go.
About fucking time.
Fucking professional thieves.
Well you've joined us at the right time, pet.
I've been managing this centre for twenty years
and we've never had to cut our cloth so tight.
Me and our Ronnie used to come here when we were little.
And there was always some er, hot chocolate and biscuits.
It meant a lot to us.
That's why, I thought it's good to do the fundraiser you know,
to give something back? Oh yeah.
Hiyah. Hiyah.
Between you and me, Erin, love,
we're gonna need more than a jumble sale.
I mean we've barely got enough money to keep this place going.
Let alone do it up.
Erin and Ronnie?
Yeah. Is Ronnie Croft your brother?
Oh God. Yeah.
Why what did he nick?
My Ted found him making off with all the toilet rolls a few years back.
Well, he tried.
He got locked in over bank holiday weekend, poor love.
Yeah, that sounds like our Ronnie.
You can't choose your family.
No you can't!
Do you mean it's where they k-k-keep trees and that?
It says Marsh fucking Gardens?
Marsh Gardens is a fucking shithole.
It is a shithole. And it's also dangerous.
Boiled Ham Sam got nailed to a bench there last Christmas.
Boiled Ham Sam nailed himself to the fucking bench
because he's a complete moron.
Do you know how it happened?
JJ, do you happen to have a garage cat?
No. What's a garage cat?
Well it's a cat that lives in a fucking garage int it.
Well that's just a cat surely?
Mearow.
No.
Get a fucking weapon you bellend.
Shh!
No. They fucking know we're here.
Right, now, listen.
If you are a garage cat, you better say somert right now.
Look no-ones gonna hurt you. Just put 'em down.
Put 'em down a little bit. No one gonna hurt ya.
Just, come on out.
Come on.
Sorry the, the door was open and it's raining. So...
Are you alright?
You lot know Erin Croft, right?
Who's asking?
I'm Amy Croft.
I think she's my sister.
I've got a sister?
I know. I had no idea either.
When did you find out?
Two weeks ago.
When my nan died. Of cancer.
Well she had cancer, but then it cleared up,
then she felt really poorly so they booked in another scan but she never made it.
Postman just spotted her through the curtains, lying there.
I cleared out her bungalow for the council because she was a real hoarder
and I found these letters from my dad to my mum saying
how much he missed his little girl Erin and...
I'm babbling aren't I, yeah?
I babble when I'm nervous. Do you babble?
Yeah.
It's just a bit of a surprise to be here.
I can't believe she's got a half sister.
Oh come off it, Neil Croft was a prolific vag hand.
Surprised more of his fucking progeny haven't crawled out
the woodwork sooner.
I hope you don't think I'm a stalker or anything.
I just... I found you online.
And saw you outside the garage and
just headed there and then when the boys got there,
I just completely fucking shat my knickers, I didn't know what to say.
You do remind me of him, actually.
What do you think they're talking about now?
I don't know. Well it'll dad stuff won't it. A bit of common ground.
They've got the same dad?
Yes. I mean fuck me, why do you think she's here, you dick head.
That's... I know that, sorry.
I, wrong... They've got the same dad, as in,
'oh my god they've got the same dad'.
Can you believe. Can you believe they've got the same dad.
It's like my intonation. Shut up!
She always wanted a sister, you know, when she was younger.
They seem nice, your mates.
Yeah. They're great.
Fuck off.
So I take it from the accent that you're not from round here?
No. Er Liverpool.
Erm, I'm staying in a hostel in town, though, the-
The Hawley Backpackers?
Oh Jesus. That's a shithole.
That's where I were conceived, you know.
You can take Sugar's old room, OK?
She's still got some stuff in there, that she needs to take to JJ's,
so if it gets in your way, just shove it in a corner.
Thanks. This is so nice of you.
Well I can't have you telling your mates that you met your sister
and she let you catch skin mites.
Plus you don't seem like a raving lunatic.
Yeah well that's what you think.
This bag's full of hammers. Oh good.
You can hang some pictures up for me, then can't ya.
Er, Tyler?
Plus, being a lunatic runs in the family. So you're alright.
Right, OK, so this is Amy. Hiyah.
She's a friend. And she's gonna be staying with us for a few days.
Yeah? Hi.
Oh.
That's kids for you in it.
Sorry, why Marsh Gardens?
Because they've had this massive fucking upgrade,
and there's all these rare, exotic plants.
And this year's new centre piece, yeah.
Is a Shakespeare's Sister rose bush.
That flower is the most expensive flower in the world.
Yeah. It's all well and good stealing it, but let's be honest,
it's not worth anything unless we can shift it.
Already sorted. You remember my cousin's wedding?
Well, that was pretty small fish for us frying, boys, yeah.
I know plenty of Bridezillas who'd kill for those roses.
For real. JJ, the golden child.
Yeah. The Goodless squire.
The Goodless Squires a good one.
Anyway. Shut up. Ash, give over.
He's found a buyer alright. She's a blushing bride.
She's willing to pay up to five grand
for three fucking stems.
Jesus sake she must be off her rocker this bird.
Five grand? Yeah.
Do you know what, she actually isn't.
And I'm a bit scared of her.
This is the biggest day of my life
and you want me walking down the aisle with flowers that look like
they were nicked from a fucking lamp post after a car accident?
Ah. Ah! Ah!
Fuck, quick open the door, let some draft in.
Fucking hell.
Oh well that's not ideal, is it?
Are those the cakes for mine and Albie's stall?
No. These are practice ones.
You said you'd come and do my reading with me?
Oh baby. I need, I need to clear all this up,
and I've got paperwork to do for the centre before your dad gets here.
Can we do it later? Yeah?
Oh well I can go and read with him for a bit if you want?
Yeh?
It's really boring. School gave it me.
Do you like school?
No.
Me neither.
Have you read this?
Charlotte's web.
Picked it up at a charity shop.
My mum used to read it to me as a kid.
What's it about?
A spider.
I bet you're scared of spiders.
No I'm not.
Hmm, OK.
But are you scared of pigs?
"Charlotte stopped.
"A moment later a tear came to Wilbur's eye.
"'Oh Charlotte,' he said,
"'to think that when I first met you...'"
I can't believe how good he is.
I know. He's so good.
I always worried.
Hmm.
That he'd end up like me.
How do you mean?
Not very academic, you know.
Vin,
he is like you.
But all the best ways.
Hmm.
Tell me some of the best ways.
What now? Right now.
It's very important.
Oh to think. Er...
Can't think of one can you? Oh, I just need more time.
Alright, handsome?
Alright, I'll give you that one.
Brilliant hairline.
This can't be right?
No, well, JJ's been and checked it.
He said it needs rewiring, the whole thing needs rewiring,
before it gets a fucking refit, you know.
Right well. There's no way the fundraisers gonna raise that sort of money is it?
No.
I mean, we'll help.
But fucking hell. Hm.
How's Amy?
Yeah, she really sweet.
Does she have a Mum?
Er no. No, she died about eight years ago, bless her.
How are you feeling about it?
Well,
it is a bit of a head fuck, I'm not gonna lie.
But she's not Ronnie.
Thank fuck. So.
Pyramid Song #
Oh, hey.
Hello.
Hi.
Oh, err. Just erm...
Coming along nicely.
Er, do you want something?
I was hoping to talk to Vincent.
Yeah erm... He's, he's, he's busy.
I'll wait.
You can tell me. I'll, I'll pass it on.
Dylan. Yeah.
Such a lovely name.
Lyrical. Yeah.
Means 'Son of the Ocean'.
Do you like the ocean?
I- I don't really have a strong opinion.
I'm a big fan.
Coral.
Squid.
Eels.
I love it all.
Great. Do you want a bottle of pop?
No.
Thank you.
Can't tempt you?
No.
Yeah go on.
Thank you.
My mum used to make them and sell them at the market.
But by the time she was retired, she had bloody witchy claw fingers.
Oh erm,
I forgot to tell you, we're taking you out tonight.
Where we going?
Um, the Vortex Lounge?
I mean it is pretty disgusting
but the drinks are cheap and the music's really good, so...
It's erm,
it's not dressy is it?
Don't worry. I have a plan.
No.
Hm? Too see-though.
This can't be yours?
It's my maternity dress.
Ooh!
Ah, OK, yeah. That is my prom dress.
Vinnie nicked it from this snobby shop in town.
The women refused to serve me. Cheeky bitch.
And I had the money, as well.
So Vinnie is your boyfriend then?
No....
I like this one?
Yes. I love that one.
Perfect.
All I'm saying is presumably, by this point,
Tyler can look after himself can he not?
No, he's a bloody child int he.
Listen, it's an opportunity for Dyl and Tyler
to just chill out together a bit.
They fucking miss each other. You know what I mean.
Fucking JJ.
Do you know what you fat- swear to God.
Do you know your fucking friend was supposed to have unlocked it?
Darren got the fucking date wrong.
He's read it as month first, day second. Like bloody American's.
Well is he American then?
Is he fuck. He's from the Forest of Dean.
Forest of Dean. It's a very nice part of the world.
Is it? Where is it? Area of outstanding natural beauty.
You shut up you.
Now we're gonna have to find another way in.
Get in the- Get in the fucking van. Just fucking typical.
Fucking hell. Fucking Darren. Darren of Dean
All done. Come on. Hey, I'm just saying, right.
If I'm gonna be abseiling in future I'd like to know in advance.
Yeah?
Alright you. Come on.
Look I-I-I don't want to.
Eh? Cardi, come on man.
You've been in worst scrapes than this, dude.
I've got responsibilities now. I've got Carol.
I-I-I promised her I'd protect them. My t-t-testicles.
Mate, I'm asking you to climb down a wall,
not use your dick as a death slide.
Yeah, but I keep bashing them on things.
I seen the doctor about it.
Well go on then, what did he say?
He said, Cardi stop bashing them on things.
Well he will do, won't he? Yeah.
Listen, just go and wait in the fucking van then.
Go and play snake or somert.
Are you angry with me?
No. Dude I'm just cross. Cos you-
because you're sensitive.
Sometimes you can be hard work, Cardi. Very.
I'm coming down.
Good lad. Now listen before you do just make be sure-
Oh.
Nailed it. Come on.
Right.
So, there is a grounds keeper,
but he just sits and watches porn in his cottage.
Right. Living the dream.
Hey, God sake.
Fucking look at his place, man.
Fuck me. This is amazing.
Right. The trick...
What the hell you doing? What the fuck is wrong with you.
Knobhead. Come 'ed.
Right. I'll meet you there?
I've got some business.
What do you mean business?
You haven't got any business in a fucking Victorian green house
for God sake dude. I have got business, mate.
Why ya... What, is it for the Fuck truck?
No. No. No. No. Nothing mucky.
Nothing mucky, right, I've looked online.
They've got peyote. Wolves?
It's a fucking Coyote you dickhead.
It's a cactus with psychoactive compound. Namely, mescaline.
Actually, could we take fifteen? Cos I'd love to get some cuttings.
- Would ya? - Yeah I need a poo.
And you need a poo. Do you know, alright fair enough.
Let's just find the reception first.
Cos they have maps.
Do you know that way we won't get fucking lost in this place.
- They have headphones. - Yeah.
Don't they? Yeah.
So we'll know what were looking at.
Be easier to find the rose bush!
You fucking idiots!
No, it's a very, very serious robbery dude.
You know there's a lot of prep been put into this.
Fucking get your heads in the game. OK?
Yes? Fair enough.
Let's just fuck it off for a bit.
We'll meet in 15 minutes by the rose bush, yeah?
Fifteen. Will you come with me for a poo?
Yeah dude. Why can't you poo at home man?
I poo at home. I poo here.
Liar, Liar #
Do you know what exactly we're after here?
I do yes. We're looking for a type of cactus.
That's not very specific, Tommo?
Fucking hell.
What?
I thought that was some, someone man just standing there.
That were a man? Yeah.
A very thin man going like that.
Ahah what are you looking at?
Yeah. What is that French or somert- yeah.
Check this out
Fucking hell.
Shut up you dickhead.
My foots stuck onto it.
Fucking hell. Gently!
Fucking Cobra Kai'ing it you knobhead.
Fuck sake. Knobhead.
What the fuck did you expect from that, eh?
Round housing it, you mad bastard.
I'm wearing desert boots, I thought they would be grand!
It's gone straight through, han't it?
You have to piss on it, don't ya?
No that's jelly fish.
Mate, that is jellyfish.
# If you don't wanna see me
# Did a full 180
# Crazy... #
So let me get this right.
You're married to... Cardi?
That's correct. That prize stallion is off the market.
And you, you're going out with JJ?
Yes. Yes.
And that means I never have to pay for my full body M.O.T.
if you know what I mean?
Course we knows what you mean, now, sugar, like.
Fucking children on the street know what you mean.
And you used to go out with Dylan,
but Vinnie is Tyler's dad?
But that's not a thing anymore. That's... that's done.
Right. Then, yeah.
So is there anyone in the group you haven't like...
Tommo.
Get it myself, dickhead.
Christ on a bike.
What have you fucking done to your foot?
He's fine. He's fine. Aren't you? Might just need a tetanus jab.
I'm not doing any needles, I don't like 'em.
Your foot looks like a bog brush.
Can we just get on with this?
Hang on no. There's a break glass alarms weeper?
A glass break alarm weeper.
I know what it fucking means. We're not gonna break the glass.
Implements. You know what I mean?
He knows his onions doesn't he?
He does know his onions, this lad.
That, actually quite impressive. Yes. That is impressive. Go on JJ.
Dude.
Massive in it. Do you know what I mean?
Fucking lads. Do you know what I mean?
Unbelievable, I'm just, I'm wondering though.
How we're gonna get that rose
through that fucking hole there.
Shit that's not good. Not good. Fuck. Fuck. No. No. No.
Bad.
No! Shit.
Run away. Run away and leave it.
Someone grab the bush!
Afro-Left #
Yeah, see he's asleep now.
Now to relax and enjoy myself.
Yeah.
What was he like? Dad?
Er charming,
funny, very funny.
Er,
a total fucking liability.
What was he like with you?
He left when I was born.
Erm, he used to pop round on birthdays.
Or what he thought was my birthday. Mum said he never got it right.
Last time was Christmas, when I was five.
Erm, he gave me a used football.
And never saw him again.
Yeah, he loved football.
Promised to teach me and our Ronnie but never got round to it.
He didn't leave because of you, you know.
You don't know that. No I do.
I do because I felt exactly the same,
until I realised it's never about us.
Always about them. Cheers.
He left because he's a shit dad.
But, we wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him.
So, to shit dads.
To shit dads-
No. No. No.
To our shit dad.
Cheers.
It's like Narnia. No entry, no entry.
Less of the fucking noise, you bloody lemon heads. Come on.
This is the quickest way boys.
Just smash our way out the back. Yeah?
Erin was shitting herself.
I thought I'd fucking killed him that's why.
She went over to him a few times for good measure,
just to make sure the job was done.
Your face!
Right, no, listen right, yes,
I accidentally run over his head a few times.
That is true. It's true.
It was really funny. It fucking was not funny!
Fucking hell. And then you buried him when he was still alive?
No. No. No. We didn't know he was still alive, like.
We're not psychopaths.
Look, look, all you need to know right,
we didn't, we didn't kill anybody.
Shush.
So Keithy's fine then?
It was roped off because it was poisonous.
Oh no, no, no, no. The door, the door...
It's basically roped off because it was poisonous.
Jeez. Man. Yep. Thanks JJ. I'm aware of that now.
Itching. Oh man, my knee is on fire. It burns so much .
Wait, will ya?
This is worse than crabs...
Oh fuck me. Oh shit!
You lads fucked with the wrong guy
at the wrong time...
..with the wrong rose bush.
Eh? Who the fuck are you dude?
What you wearing, man? Camouflaged with bloody high viz.
Do you wanna to be seen or not?
Shut up you fucking flumped- just give us the bush back.
I'm dead sorry, but I'd love to, but we really fucking need it, man.
Don't want you to give me it back anyway.
Cos it means I get to use... this.
Oh fuck me. Hey, oh.
That's a flashbang? Yeah it's a flashbang.
Dude, that is a flashbang. Where'd you get a fucking flashbang from?
This. I got it from Bitcoin, motherfucker.
Bitcoin, what he on about? Dickhead.
- From bitcoin? - It's in Peterborough in't it.
He said from Bitcoin. It's a Krypso current.
It's a current, a basic exchange. It isn't a shop. Bitcoin isn't a shop.
You just google it. Yeah like a data.
Yeah you get to bid on anonymous thing.
It's quite fun actually- Anyway shut the fuck up.
It's not a tea party.
I'm a bad arse motherfucker. I'm about to blow your asses up.
I don't think you are a badass motherfucker.
I mean you might be a bit of a strange young man.
Shut up man. I'm badass!
You're not badass. I am fucking badass.
It's going down.
I don't think you should throw it. No. No. No. No!
Fucking hell. Army overload.
Not so fast. Oh I made a mistake.
Hello? Hello. I'm here. I'm here.
Take that bush. Oi.
Are you alright? I am here. Hello?
Oi. Oi. I've fucked myself.
I know. I've totally fucked myself.
Oi. I know you have.
Fuck off. Fuck off!
What you slapping me for?
I'll chop you the fuck back. Oi. Settle down. Oi.
Somert's burning. Listen.
I can smell biscuits. I can't hear. Listen. It'll pass.
Eh? It'll pass. You'll hear again.
I can't hear anything? I know that. It'll pass.
You want my address?
I don't want your address- Get hold of that.
I tell you what. I can't taste anything.
Oh God.
Fucking hell. What would Andy Mcnab do?
I'm sorry we're leaving you like this, man.
This is not how we like to do it.
Fucking hell.
I've just done my territorial application.
Have ya? Just... Fucking hell.
Let's just leave him. Don't tell anyone about the night.
I won't. Alright cheers lads.
Alright dude. Sorry. Bring it home.
Bring it home. I'm on a beach.
We sail on the beach. Think of your training.
I can feel the water on me fins.
Oh, so good.
Sorry. You're one of us!
Babe. I hate that dress.
Did you have a good night?
I've had the best fucking night.
Oh shit. Oh no.
Not in the chips. Outside. Outside. Quick.
Don't you nick my chips, you cheeky bitch.
I will eat your chips, you cheeky cow.
Pavement pizza, it is?
Oh my God.
How come you haven't got a hangover?
Honestly, I feel like a bomb has just exploded inside my head.
I don't think I've got anything left in me.
Oh, I hope you don't mind? Tyler said he wanted some sausages.
There's plenty left? No. No.
I just want a cup of tea and I want some paracetamol.
Oh, let me.
In that cupboard there, next to the plasters.
So is Amy my aunty?
Yeah. Yeah. She is.
Brill. Her sausages are well better than yours.
Oi.
Cheeky thing. Go and pack your school bag. Go on.
I still haven't sorted out Tyler's cakes for the fundraiser.
Well you've got me to help.
Although I am absolutely shite at baking.
Spoken like a true Croft.
No I just hate letting him down, you know.
I told you not to call me at work, you stupid cow.
Oh my God.
Do you know him? No.
Amy?
I'm In The Mood For Ska #
Go. Go. Go!
Last one.
Hmm. I've got somert for you.
It's dad's old wallet.
I mean he was an arsehole. But you should have something of his.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
That's Dad with me and our Ronnie in Blackpool.
God we loved it there.
Thank you.
You OK??
Yeah.
It's just weird, you know, seeing him with another family.
Come here.
Daydream #
Can you pass me that by there?
Oh he's done it!
# Dreamin' 'bout my bundle of joy
Fuck you Linda.
It's three quid to get in Vinnie.
No dude, no. Three quid.
It's not... Listen now. You listen here.
I've been out to fucking get drinks. Are you gonna pay up?
Or do I need to get management over?
Piece of work Linda. A piece of work.
You're... A...
Piece of work...
You... Knob head.
You love me really.
I do love you.
Can you bring me a lemonade when you're done? No.
Get your lovely fucking chickens.
Fresh eggs in the morning and all that shit.
Oi, stop shouting fucking chickens.
There's one child right there. You dickhead.
And you can't sell all these chickens for 40 fucking quid?
40 quid each.
You can't sell a chicken for 40 quid dude. It's ridiculous!
Chickens for 40 pounds? Oh come 'ed.
I've been after some chickens.
Er... I grow my own potatoes.
Of course you fucking do.
And I bet they taste fucking magical.
Now then, you're gonna need at least six,
if you wanna do this properly.
Because chickens are pack animals.
And you don't want them pinning for each other.
I don't need any specialist equipment, do I?
For chickens? No.
They'll be happy in a cardboard box in the garage.
Well I have both of those.
So I'll take all six.
Do you take cards? Cards?
Do I look like a fucking pop-up taco van?
No.
Great British Pound notes, is what I want in my hand,
not some piece of fucking plastic made in China
that tells Bill Fucking Gates
and them other space cunts
when I last had a pint and a pasty.
I'll er, pick them up later?
Thank you, Sir.
Fucking easy.
Fucking gob shite.
Hey, his chickens are cunts.
Oi, his chickens are cunts.
Stop shouting cunts!
That cunt started it.
Fuck bro, this looks really depressing.
S-s-suspiciously Cheap Meat?
It's a joke.
Because I'm an undertaker.
So they'll think they're buying burgers made from dead nannas.
And have you sold much, have you?
None.
It's not lucky then is it. Gross.
It's not really made of n-n-nanna mince, though are they?
Do you know what I mean...?
Actually d-don't answer that. We'll have two.
What's this a mince bag? Mince bag? Mince bag?
What the fuck is a mince bag?
Who puts an entire human amount of mince in a bag?
Think about it.
It's a...
Body bag? There you go...
Don't just go senselessly naming things. Mince bag?
Fuck me. Alright.
It's still a weird fucking thing to bring to a fundraiser,
innit, you know what I mean? It's a body bag dude.
Look at Pat.
She's fucked.
There is business everywhere, my friend.
Business everywhere.
Don't you throw cheese at me. Throw cheese. Throw cheese at him.
Get away from me you dick. I'm taking a doughnut.
What you talking about? That's bread.
Fuck off!
Oh, I'm going now.
Thank you Gary.
It's ridiculous. That one's got a sore arse. Vin.
Oh you made it.
Of course we did Sandra. Wouldn't miss it for the world.
Why they here? I don't know.
Our Barry loves a tombola.
Won a whole Dundee cake, once.
Great success. Great success. Oh yes.
Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thanks Ames.
How much did you take in the end?
Er, 15 hundred, 32 pound,
20p and three buttons.
What arsehole gave you buttons?
Who do you think? Shirley?
Yep. Oh prick.
I know, dickhead.
Oh shit!
Oh Sugar!
What's that. Amy and your dad?
Except it isn't, is it?
What's going on?
Have you been lying to me?
No I...
I-I didn't know and then...
..saw the photo in your dad's wallet.
One minute. So you saw the picture of my Dad,
you realised it wasn't the same guy
and, and you didn't say anything? No, it wasn't like that. I tried-
You could have told me the truth but you-you chose not to.
No I tried. But Tyler was there and I was...
I wanted to tell you, but I... See I trusted you.
I let you into my home,
and Tyler, and you were taking the piss out of me?
I just...
..I didn't want it to not be true.
Well it's not true is it?
You're just some fucking stranger aren't ya.
Why, why have I got such a shit family?
Seriously!
I've got a shit dad, shit brother, shi...
..shit...
..shit you.
Oh, you fucker.
What the fuck is that, JJ?
Alright. You said you wanted Shakespeare's Sister Roses!
In a bouquet, you melt, not the fucking shrub.
I'm getting married in three days
and I don't need this kind of fucking stress!
Arsehole. Ohh.
Dude you've just gone all Deidre Barlow, you're that cross.
Chill out a bit.
He's worked his arse off getting these roses here. Yeah.
His thigh beard and gooch is just riddled in rash.
Terrible, it's fierce!
Yeah. Alright mate listen. Let me just handle this. Very sore.
OK. Hey.
Do you want them or not?
No.
Vin, will you pop in Barraclough Road into the sat nav for me please.
Absolutely I will.
Barraclough Road?
Oh yeah. Shivani Paswan wants a look as well.
That little bastard. No chance. How much?
It's five grand. Like I said.
And I want everything. Even the roots.
She's not growing her own bush
and waving it about at my baby's Namakarana Sanskar.
Hurry up then. Move!
Alright Uncle.
She's fucking horrible dude. You poor bastard.
Yeah, she's here in park.
Right. See you soon.
Vin's on his way.
It's good news though. He's got the money for the community centre,
so... That's good.
You can't blame your life choices.
No. Not really.
Remember that story that I told ya.
When I was little and my dad asked me what I wanted for my birthday.
Do you remember what I said?
- Baby sister. - Yeah.
Yeah.
Obviously, it was never going to happen, I mean,
he fucked off for God sake.
But Amy came along...
And suddenly it didn't-
it didn't matter you know, how much of a dickhead he'd was,
when I was growing up.
Because at least my dad gave me her.
Are you positive that Amy just didn't make a mistake?
You know, it's not like none of us,
have ever made mistakes before.
I just let myself believe it, you know.
Just carried away with the whole thing.
That's what I'm saying, this random moment has happened
and-and you've gone with it. It's a good thing, you know.
You found this girl, you wanted her to be part of your life.
It's not a mistake. That's a connection with someone.
Do you think she's gone?
Well...
..there's only one way to find out.
Coming?
Erm...
..nah you should go with Vin.
I- I'm gonna take a walk.
OK.
Two min.
I've called a taxi. I'll be out your hair soon.
Come and wait inside. It's freezing.
Come on.
I swear to God, I thought you were my Erin Croft.
Your dad's name was Neil, you were the right age.
We look alike.
It was only when I saw the photo, I...
..I realised I'd got it wrong.
When I first found out I had a sister,
I kind of imagined what she might be like.
And then I met you.
And I just... I couldn't believe how lucky I was.
After having no one.
I'm really sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm not the only one in this but I made it about me.
And I shouldn't have said the things I said to you.
I was a dickhead.
I was scared and defensive.
You don't have to leave, you know.
I don't want you to leave.
I don't really wanna either.
But there is another Erin Croft out there and I want to find her.
She's the only family I've got left.
I wish you were my real sister.
Me too. Come here.
Come on.
Amy.
You might not have any family here now,
but you do have friends, OK? Thank you.
Oh will you er,
give this to Tyler when he gets back from Albie's?
And this is erm... This is for you.
Thanks.
Look after yourself, yeah.
Thanks.
Pictures Of You #
# ..at these pictures of you
# That I almost believe that they're real
# I've been living so long with my pictures of you
# That I almost believe that the pictures
# Are all I can feel ... #
They run a Murder Mystery night once a month,
you'd have access to the entire house.
These old things are solid.
You're all playing fucking parts here...
He cries when he masturbates.
Could he be the murderer?
I'd like you to host a poker night for some friends of mine.
Sod off. Sod off leave me alone.
Ah a secret book door.
Don't panic. I'm just gonna-
AccessibleCustomerService@sky.uk