Fucking hell, lift it your end. I am lifting my end, Erin.
Well lift it higher, Tommo.
We're different heights, aren't we Erin!
So obviously it's gonna slant down
on account of my being... diminutive.
Diminutive?
Yes Erin, yeah, it means short. I'm expanding my vocabulary.
I learn five new words, every day, it's all part of my personal
embetterment programme. Oh yeah.
What have you learnt today then? Well er, let me see.
Malevolent, Jingoistic and Stoicism.
Oh that's gonna come in handy in your mobile sex dungeon innit?
Hey sweetheart. Sweetheart.
It is an erotic parlour, right, and if you hadn't got into bed,
figuratively with Terence McCann,
then we'd still be running this fucking place
instead of selling off all our assets to Chinese fucking Dan.
Right oh. Are we ready to rock the cazbar 'ere of what?
Hey, what's, what's up?
Tommo, he's being capricious. Yeah. Look it up.
# Money - Barrett Strong # # The best things in life are free
# But you can give them to the birds and bees
# I need money
# That's what I want #
It's unloved, it's tatty, where'd you lifted it from -
Yates Wine Lodge?
We've not lifted it from anywhere - it's from our club this -
The Rat and Cutter. I've been there before.
Have you Calvin? What a surprise.
Thought I might have seen you there.
In't that a crying shame... It was McCann,
he was the one who funded the licensing and the lease
on the bloody thing. Now he's banged up,
and the council are saying they won't renew the fucking contract.
What did they say it was... Magnet for crime. And debauchery.
Whose is this van? M-mine, why?
Are you a dog walker? Yeah. It's my new business.
How much do you charge? Well it's er, by the hour,
unless it's all day, then it's a day rate.
What are you even fucking asking?
Honestly I've been here a thousand times,
not once have I seen a bloody dog.
Well that's where you're wrong. Calvin, fetch the mutt.
Oi!
Say hello to - Arson Fire. # Money - Pink Floyd #
The worst investment I have ever made.
How long have you had him for? Got involved in a syndicate -
group of blokes said he was a money making machine.
'Won a couple of races.'
I think I have a winner.
And then one day, for no apparent reason,
the stupid dog stopped trying.
Nooooooo!!!
We tried everything,
even the elastic band round the balls thing, but...
I've done that. ..just weren't interested.
I wanted to take it down to the knackers yard, but my wife,
she just weren't having it.
Hang the fuck on.
Wife? What do you mean wife? You've got a wife?
Course I've got a wife. Chantara. She's Thai.
And you can pull that look off your face, as well, I didn't buy her -
I met her in a spud-u-like in Northampton.
What were you having? Cottage cheese and chives.
Honestly a bit of a dark horse, really deep down aren't ya.
Wives and dogs. Go on, what did she say?
She said I had to keep the stupid mutt.
Oh he's a gorgeous dog. Do you want it?
What? To keep? On a long term loan.
Just the worlds worst man.
Look he's a fucking dog walker, in't he.
Either give him the fucking dog, or don't.
That's a thorough bred greyhound. I don't give a shit what it is.
It's given up, bless it.
Alright.
You take the stupid dog and I'll buy all your crappy club gear.
Right, listen!
I don't want you taking the fucking piss on this gear.
I want some decent dollar for that.
That hurts Vincent, just name your price son.
Ten grand.
I'll give you five and that's me going out on a limb.
Fuck.
You're joking me, where's it going to live?
With us. In the flat? Are you fucking serious.
Is it not bad enough with the pigeon and all the pigeon paraphernalia,
now we have a greyhound. They're stinking, Cardi -
they have bad breath and weeping glands.
I'm not sticking my finger up his hole to unblocked the glands.
Eugh. Fucking visuals on that. Look at this.
Look what's happening here, a connection.
He fucking loves the dog.
The dog seems to like him. They're having fun.
I reckon that dog'll still race, if you wanted it to.
How do you mean? Look at it.
It's still young and like Dan said, it used to win.
But then crucially it stopped.
It's all about how you train them, right.
Listen, I know you all think our Ronnie is a knobhead.
Absolutely. Oh, fuck me.
I agree, BUT he trained greyhounds down at the track
with a guy called, Wayne Carr.
What?
Wayne Carr. Wanker.
Nope, nothing like it. Wayne Carr. Wanker
Give over. That's good.
It's no Ben Dover is it?
Hmm exactly. I used to know a bloke called Warren Peace.
- My next door neighbour Ray Cyst. - I mean there you go.
Hang on a minute. Just stop, stop with the inappropriate names,
just for a minute. Do you think that little bugger still got legs, then?
Get a winning dog, win thousands.
Yeah, I'm not sure I want him racing Vin, you know he's my pet now
and he is- He's a shagging greyhound, is what he is.
Fuck they love to race Cardi.
Can you get hold of this Wayne Carr.
Oh fuck.
Don't see why not, he works at the track as a groundsman,
but I must to warn you, he's a bit of a weirdo, he calls himself
the dog whisperer.
This dog's a beauty.
What you calling him? Martin. Arson Fire.
Dude, you can't call him Martin. Why not?
Because it doesn't sound fast,
it sounds like a fucking accountants name. It does, yeah.
I mean obviously he's a strong dog and that - but I'm just guessing
he hasn't raced in a while. That's right.
He where alright at first. Mmm. Mmm.
Yeah. Yeah. Mmm. Mmm. Yeah he was-
He was fast at- he was winning races and then he was just fucking...
Mmm.
He lost interest. Fuck it whatever.
That was with his old owner though - we want to bring him back
- to his former glory. - Mmm.
What do you reckon? Reckon?
Yeah. Like... do what you did with our Ronnie?
How do you mean? The whispering thing? Whispering...
No, no, no, Erin no, no, no, no.
- That's all in the past now. - That's strictly verboten.
Means frowned upon.
It is, it's frowned upon in the racing community.
Say's it gives like an unfair advantage, it's like mmm.
It's like mmm, it's like magic.
Surely we can tempt you. Eh?
Jesus Christ. How much do you want, sweetheart?
It's not about money is it?
It's about morality, honour and all that. Fifty quid.
Hundred. I thought it wasn't a question of money.
It isn't. Hundred quid to whisper in a dog's ear, yeah?
We had some big success, back in the day, me and Ronnie.
Mmm. Big success...
..before he bound me in the back of his Austin Maxi
and stole all the winnings.
Come on. Come on.
Here.
And off he goes. To have a conflab with a fucking dog.
Done it? Oh yeah, he understands.
So... it'll race now? No. No. No.
You still need to train it and that.
Just fashion a hare out of his old clothes, And just get him to drag
it really fast, get him to chase it- where's my money? Money?
Hundred quid yeah? D'you wanna check it?
Cheers. No I'm alright. Hey.
You alright, Carol?
I thought we agreed on the way back from Wales
that you wouldn't be getting involvement in any of my silly schemes any more.
Vin, it's dog training, it's not exactly McCann territory is it.
I know but you had a thing, didn't ya?
Epiphany? Epiphany.
Right well, the plan's are in place. Shall I show you?
Me and our Ronnie used to come here, when we were little.
This place really means a lot to me, but it's struggling.
You know, I've offered to help, but it's the funding.
They need better facilities, and well better everything really.
Look at it.
Christ, that game is shite, innit?! I'll help you though.
Not if it means you getting involved, with those scary men.
No I won't- Anything like that.
Don't worry about me. I promise. I promise I'll..
Thank you.
Don't run away with Tyler again, Erin.
I thought you were gone for good, you know.
I know, I'm sorry.
What do you think? What's happened to leg there.
Do you know what I mean, is he even gonna chase that?
He seems to like it - he's been sniffing at it. You know.
That's 'cause you never washed it.
Well, there's only one way to find out.
Now Vinnie, we want to make sure that were far enough away,
before you let go of Arson Fire. Martin.
Don't call him Martin, dude. He sounds like a librarian.
You ready?
Yeah.
Are you ready!
Yeah. Yeah. OK, let's go.
Fucking hell. Oh my God!
How fast? Forty, forty two...
He is incredible. How quick where that?
44 and could have gone faster.
The hare only does 50 on the track.
You've got yourself a winner, there Cardi.
Where's he gone? What?
He was just there, but he's dis- disappeared.
Vin, did you see where he went? No, but he can't have gone far, love.
Maybe he's gone for a poo. Why would he hide?
Maybe he's shy for pooing, like Vinnie.
Arson Fire. Arson Fire.
Martin.
There he is.
What's he got in his mouth?
Shit.
Fuck! That's not good.
Will you hurry up you bell end.
I need to bury this dickhead. Who is it?
Fucking Sheila. Aww. Poor Sheila man.
Oh listen, I need a big favour.
Oh what now? It's always favours with you isn't it.
Never a social call, never: 'Gary, do you fancy a beer?
Or a nice Chicken Tikka Masala.'
No, it's meet me in your hearse, clandestine,
like we're cold war fucking spies.
I never said to meet in the fucking hearse.
It's my vehicle. It's for funerals.
I've been on holiday in this thing. What do you fucking want?
Here. Christ, you're bad tempered.
Prawn cocktail crisps. By the way, I heard Babs got married again.
She did actually, nice do.
But it's not prawn cocktail crisps man.
Oh what is it then?
It's a human foot. Ah? Yeah.
I mean we found it.
Nothing to do with us - we just found the fucking thing.
The dog found it, you know. That's severed.
Well yeah, yeah it's severed cause it'd have to be wouldn't it,
otherwise it'd still be attached to his shagging leg you pillock.
I'm assuming it's a him. Is it a lad?
Yeah, it's male alright.
Oh. It's not fresh.
Oh. Nowhere near. It's barely decomposed, though.
Where did you find it?
Edge of one of Jim and Shirley's fields.
Just in this rocky, waste land. Mmm. So you naturally you thought,
who do I know that deals in dead bodies - Gary -
I'll go and burden him with it.
Yeah. 'Cos you have a furnace. In fairness.
Furnace?! Yes.
Is that all I am to you? The fire man?
That's what my mammy calls me, they sing burn baby burn every time
I go home for Christmas. And that's fine, if they're more
interested in their G son's professional achievements,
that's their prerogative, because I don't need their fucking praise
or their affirmation, but just once in a while
to tell me that I've done something good in me life.
Maybe they'd say congratulations Gary, you've done very well. Gary! GARY!! Shut up.
Fucking hell, shouting your head off at a human foot
in a fucking prawn cocktail box just chill.
Will you burn it for me please?
Yes. See, thanks man.
Now fuck off.
Next time you call, you'd better not be asking for something.
Please may I have a lift. Get the fuck out.
It's only ten minutes. Remove your fucking body from the car.
I'm removing it. No more favours glow worm.
Dude. I'm worried about him.
Don't listen. Don't be worrying about him.
There's no pressure today, we're just giving him a run out,
gonna see how he gets on. Right what we saying?
Is he worth a flutter or what? What did I just fucking say then?
We're giving him a run off, we're just seeing how he does.
Don't put any money on that fucking dog. He's a fucking dog, Vincent.
He isn't gonna know if I'm making a bet or not, is he?
That's what I am saying. Hang on.
I went to the dogs loads when I was young, I'd always bet on the ones
with funny names. Oh yeah. Like what?
Like erm, Winnie the Pooch. Grouchio Barks.
Catherine Zeta Bones.
Cardi, why have you brought Nigel with you?
Because he's my lucky charm and I don't want him getting jealous
Martin. Welcome to my world.
I hope the stupid dog wins, he didn't sleep a wink last night
- tossing and turning he was - had to give him hand relief
to help him go to sleep. Just wanked him off, the dog.
Outside lane...
Hey statistically lane six is 30% less likely to produce a winner
than other lanes. You're honestly so clever dude.
I mean statistically can you just shut the fuck up.
There's a lot riding on this shit. # The Chain - Fleetwood Mac #
Here we go. Here we go.
Oh no man.
Fucking hell.
I told him not feed it mackerel.
I told you we shouldn't race him. He's too sensitive.
I see a lot of myself inside this dog.
Sorry.
Chinese Dan said he made him a bloody fortune.
So all we have to do is figure out what's wrong with the poor
little thing. Maybe he's got stage fright.
It's a fucking dog, Dylan.
It's not performing Hamlet at the fucking RAC.
Although to be fair, that is something I would definitely
pay to watch, dog Hamlet.
Is this a dog bone I see before me? That's Macbeth.
Fuck off Erin, Hamlet, MacBeth,
it's all fucking unwatchable shite in't it.
Look, I think we should just all forget all about it,
Dan gave me the dog and I don't want him running.
Cardi, you giving up at the first hurdle man.
Wait, wait, wait, I've got a thought. You know Wayne Carr.
It's pronounced Wayneker. I swear to fucking God.
He said make the hare out of Cardi's clothes 'cos and he'll chase it.
He did. Oh you think-
He's running for Cardi? Exactly! Worth investigating.
He does smell fierce bad to be fair.
Fuck off!
Fucking hell, who invited the Kray twins!
What are the MacDonagh's doing here?
Barry, Davey how's it going?
Vincent.
Other people.
You seem to be avoiding my calls.
No, fucking hell.
Yeah I've just been really busy, got into the er, greyhound game.
Bit of a fucking nightmare...
I used to have a dog once.
Lovely little thing it was, then one day it nipped at me.
It never nipped at me again.
What, you give it away? No, Barry killed it.
Oh fucking hell.
What's his name? Martin.
Arson Fire. Martin!
It's not Martin dude. Martin?
Sounds like the treasurer of a ramblers association.
We've still got to have our little chat, Vincent.
Here's where I'd like you to come.
Oi. Tomorrow. 12:30.
Bring a towel.
Oh fuck! Fucking Shamrock Sauna.
Yeah I know it well. I'll join ya. Absolutely not!
Vin? Yeah. Vin.
Please tell me you're not getting involved with the MacDonagh's.
I'm not getting involved with the MacDonagh's. Shit!
Because that'd be really fucking stupid, wouldn't it?
I mean you just get rid of McCann and then you get involved
with them lunatics. I know, they're not as bad as McCann.
They are. I mean Barry's a fucking headcase.
But you can talk to Davey - I just need to get me bloody weed back,
do you know what I mean. Listen. Honestly,
I ain't getting involved.
Towels off.
As you wish.
And those are? It's my swimming trunks.
I can see that, but why aren't you al fresco?
That means outdoor dining. So...
I've not done er al fresco, it's only I'm nervous about
getting me hog out.
I've never been to a meeting where everyone's...
It's just fucking weird.
Fine - to business. McCann's out of the picture.
Which means between us, we rule the area, agreed?
So why fight? When we can join forces and prosper.
Meaning? Meaning...
..we will give you your weed back, every last leaf,
but then we share resources, share profits.
OK. Thanks for inviting us down.
The answers a no. I'm really sorry.
So this is you now is it?
That ridiculous haircut, training hounds...
We might win some money out of that little bugger just yet, you know.
He might bring us a load of second hand body parts?
Really? No. What does that mean?
He's just fucking doped ignore him.
It's a in house joke. Forget about it.
I can't just forget about it, it's hanging there now,
like half an anecdote.
Alright we- we were out on the field training the bloody dog.
Lost it. Come back with a human foot.
Human foot.
Where was this? Hang on. Hang on.
Do you know who's it is? Where's this foot now?
What the bloody hell have you two being up to?
Where is it? I've got rid of it, it's gone.
Get it back. What?
We can't have that falling into the wrong hands, now can we?
No.
Why is there a human foot in a field?
Long story, Vincent. Just get me that foot.
And when you bring it back, you can give me your answer on the deal.
No. I've...
I've given you the answer. I've called it right now,
I'm sorry it's a no.
Very flattered though.
Okey dokey.
Oh fucking fucking hell. What?
You know what that means don't ya. When Davey says okey dokey.
No.
Ask Jackie No Nose, mate.
When Davey says okey dokey,
it means very much the fucking opposite.
Put your penis away, dude. I won't.
Look at it, Vincent. Look him in the eye.
Look. Hey, hey, hey dude.
What do you want?
Gary, Gary love, tell me you've still got the foot.
The one you specifically asked me to destroy.
That's the one yeah. No, it's in my walk in freezer.
Thank fuck for that, listen Gary, I'm gonna need that back.
What did I tell you last time we spoke?
Not... Not to ask for things.
Exactly! You gave me the foot, it's mine,
fuck off auf wiedersehen, au revoir, Slan Leat.
Gary just hang on a minute.
You've got enough weird fucking body parts in your dungeon.
Haven't ya, eh? Yeah, so I'm coming down for that bloody foot.
Have it ready, I'll be down there as soon as I can. Alright?
Well good luck, with that because I'm off to a Satanic wedding
in Cirencester. A Satanic... It's not a thing that.
You fucking fucker.
Shit!
Right problem.
So let's just assume that he'll only run for Cardi's scent, yeah?
That means we can't get him to win on the track,
unless the rabbit being chased- Hare.
Hare! Is that rabbit there.
Well no, because that's gonna happen is it, they use a mechanical hare.
Unless, we put my hare inside the mechanical hare.
And how you gonna do that?
Wayne Carr.
The Wanker.
I'm not happy about this, Carol. Oh for God Sake, Cardi,
I'm doing this for your stupid dog. Just listen to me for second.
It's posh this race you know, tomorrow. It's a big deal.
Alright now if we can get your Martin to follow your fucking scent,
we could be quids in. Christ on a bike.
Listen get Wayne pissed, and get them fucking keys,
alright, if anything kicks off, text our Ashley, he'll be outside.
Game on.
Listen, you lot stay here, me and dickhead are gonna go and try
and steal that foot from fucking Gary's, come on.
See you on the flip side. Yeah. Good luck.
This fucking door does my head in. Come on.
# Shots - LMFAO Feat. Lil Jon #
# If you're tryin' to fuck, get your hands in the air
# I said I'm fucked up
# I'm fucked up
# I'm tryin' to fuck
# Shots...
The fuck's that? Oh Christ it's Jim.
What's he fucking doing. Fuck off.
Smashed out of his head.
Here fuck off. Fuck off, you wankers.
Jimbo. Put your starfish away, dude.
Vinnie? Yes. Get out the road.
Tommo fucking hell.
Let us in you cunts.
What you done to your fucking head.
I fell into the bushes.
How much you had to drink, you?
I'm celebrating. It's my birthday.
He's still alive.
Happy birthday, you been out with mates then, no?
No, on me own.
Where you two going, at this time of night, anyway?
Well as it happens Jim,
we are on our way to break into an undertakers.
Dick head. Just fucking. What you tell him that for?
It's his fucking birthday, in it. What you nicking, a stiff?
Shut up you fucking wittering old twat.
Get in the fucking van. You're going home.
Hey. Hey. I could be your fucking No! You fucking knob end.
I fucking be in your car. You need me.
You're going home. You fucking know you do.
It's a firm no!
Go! Go! Go!
How's it going, Wayne isn't it.?
Dog training woman?
Carol. Fancy meeting you here.
You er, you on your own?
Well I was meant to be meeting me friend but she hasn't arrived.
Right, right...
Well, have a great night.
You can er, join me if you like.
Oh, I sure don't want to be any bother.
Your no bother.
Two more pints please mate. Do you want a drink?
I'll have a white wine spritzer, please. Two pints is it?
Big thirsty boy.
Oh, no, they're not both for me - I'm with the wife.
Oi. Oi. Oi. Shut up - listen.
Stay there sing yourself happy birthday or something,
we'll be in and out. I wanna come with you.
Why? You don't!
I wanna see a fucking dead body.
Jesus fucking Christ he's disgusting.
I tell you what try this, look in the mirror.
Shut your mouth, you fairy tale looking cunt.
Wow.
Your old as fuck.
I mean surely you've already seen a dead body by now man.
Yeah but only old ones. I wanna see a young one.
That's a fucking weird thing to say, in it?
Oi, we're not here for fun, where grabbing the object
and then we're getting the fuck out of here.
Do you know what I mean? Well it's my birthday Vin
and birthday boy's always get what they ask for.
Father Pissmass, down here.
Get your shit together, so we can get the fuck in there.
Oh cheers.
# Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing - Chris Isaak #
It's a lot of hard work isn't it.
Constantly sort of having to up keep the track and all that,
making sure there's no- no lumps or bumps and that.
Now the mechanical hare, I'd say that needs a lot of maintenance.
Don't get him started on the hare. He loves that hare.
I don't love it, Jackie.
He'd shag it if it wasn't illegal. Er... Not sure it's illegal.
I'm going for a piss.
Here are Jimbo, perfect size for you these.
Just think, you'll be in one of these soon, won't ya.
Fucking heart of an ox, me.
I'll fucking out live fucking pair of you.
Stinking of piss is a cure for old age and you'll live for ever mate.
Why don't you just fuck off!
I can't help noticing the thing there,
that verbally thing, the 'mmm', mmm'.
What the fuck is that like.
It's been going on for years,
drives me mad, he only does it when he's...
..sexually nervous.
Sexually nervous? And what, he sexually nervous now?
Yes. Why?
Because of you. Because of me?
He keeps asking me to have a threesome, Carol.
But I don't want to.
I just want us to be happy again, like we used to be.
And you will be Jackie, you will be...
For fuck sake, where's he keep the fucking stiffs?
They'll be on the floor, behind the bins
you great fucking lemon. Where'd you think he keeps them, dude?
They'll be in a big freezer or something.
They'll be in freezer or something like that.
Oh buzzing.
That is a fridge.
It's sexual. Ooh.
You start on that side.
I wanna start on this side.
Jimbo, stand there try not to be a pissed up cunt.
Keep your eye out.
Looking for the foot. Severed foot guys.
Oh dude. Found it.
Hay oh.
Hi five it. Woo... Hey fucking Vin.
Fuck. Tell me that door opens from the inside, Jimbo.
Course it fucking opens.
It's a fucking door.
Oh fuck me dude. Shit. Fucking dickhead.
Did you get the keys?
Not yet. What's taking so long?
He's with his wife - and she's lovely and we're going to help her.
What? How? Has Tommo still got Alison?
Alison?
Ah fucking gorgeous.
Listen we need to accept our situation here.
Trapped in an undertakers freezer.
Correct. And no fuckers knows where here, either.
Alright, so we just don't panic. There's no need for it.
We're gonna get out. Come here. Get your hand in there.
Noooooo panic!
No panic. Yes.
Yeah man were professional.
Yes.
Welcome, welcome to my mobile erotic parlour. Please.
This is perfect, Carol...
May I take your coats.
Say hello to my little friend.
She come with a built in pulsating vagina.
And she loves making new friends.
Please enjoy a complimentary glass of drink while we get on the road.
She won't bite. Not yet.
Woo.
Fuck me, this is it then in it,
we're all gonna die in a great big fucking freezer.
Oh there was so much I didn't get done, dude.
Like what?
Bukkake.
Bukkake? What the fuck is wrong with you eh?
Here we're all faced death and all you can think is
fucking Japanese sex jizz porn.
I once coloured in a world map - red for every country
I'd made love to a woman from.
How red did you get it then?
England. Er...
..Jersey. There's another one er...
..Isle of Man.
Damn near took over didn't ya?!
Why you even sharing a story like that at a time like this Jimbo?!
Because if I'd known I was gonna die in a fucking freezer
I might have fucking broadened my hunt.
To fucking where?
I don't know... but I'm not into hairy armpits, Vin.
Or them lot that wax their bush.
I mean even a fucking landing strip's fine.
Honest to God.
But nobody wants to be met by a smooth shiny minge.
Stop talking about shinny minges
and fucking world maps that you've come on. God sake.
You know, we're fucking trapped in a shagging freezer lads,
this is really fucking serious. We could die.
# Push it - Salt-N-Pepa #
Dude, what if it don't work out and she's got to go through
with some degrading sex act or something?
At least you've got Martin.
The dog?
That's my fucking wife man. Yeah I know.
Are we having this threesome or what?
All the way baby. Sexy dolly.
Have you ever had a sexy dolly before?
You can do anything to me, you and your wife.
Ah do you want to touch my breast? Give me a little kiss.
I've thought of dying more than anyone I fucking know. Honestly.
I just didn't think it would be like this.
Trapped in an industrial freezer.
How did you think it'd happen?
Horse back.
Fucking horse back. Fucking Robin of Loxley over here.
At least you're not dying on your fucking birthday.
You're not dying on your fucking birthday either.
Stupid old cunt. You're not gonna die before twelve o'clock are ya?
Alright the fucking day after me birthday then.
What fucking difference would it make?
You know you'll be dead won't you thick cunt, so it won't matter
I mean it could be Christmas fucking day, birthday,
shrove shagging Tuesday. That's when Jesus died.
No, that was fucking good Friday.
Weren't a very fucking good Friday for Jesus were it?
Shut the fuck up about Jesus' brilliant Friday.
We are completely fucking stuck.
That's what Jesus said up on that cross and it all turned out
alright for him.
Go on Jackie, kiss her Jackie.
Jesus Christ.
Did you get the keys? Course I've got the fucking keys!
Can we just go please? Will you fucking come on!
Come on.
Useless fucking. Run out of gas.
Fuck!
Whoo fuck me. It's getting cold now in it.
Shall we snuggle together, for body warmth?
Don't be fucking weird dude, give over.
Survival technique. SAS. It's not a gay thing.
Why would human beings huddling for warmth be a gay thing?
I'm not homophobic, you're putting words in my mouth.
I'm not putting anything in your mouth sweetheart and nor would I
thank you very much. Why?
Because you're not an attractive man.
You're not Jim. You're fucking gross dude.
Fine. Me and him'll snuggle up and you can freeze to fucking death
over their in woke corner.
We need to get our clothes off - not boxers -
and then hug together, and wrap whatever clothes and shit
we've got around us, so we're like a fucking heat sandwich right.
Thomas. Get your fucking gear off. You'll never survive on your own.
But I'm being a slice of the bread, I'm not being the fucking filling.
Right. This is it. The groundman's hut.
Right fucking keys. The keys. Who's got the keys?
Give me the fucking keys.
Spread out, we need to find these hares.
Sorry.
Right this is what we're after here lads.
Bollocks, there's five of the fuckers.
Oh no, no, no. I'm not tearing it into quarters.
Fifths.
What'll we do? If we stuff the wrong hare, Arson Fire won't chase it.
There's only one thing for it dude - strip.
What? Strip, T-shirt, socks, undies. Come on.
Fuck, Cardi always stinks.
Clothes off. Yeah alright. I'm not taking my undies off.
We need your smell Cardi and there's no greater Cardi scent
than them skiddy undies.
Alright, well fucking turn round then. I'm not. I'm watching this.
Turn around. Come on.
So it turns out you can fit three men in a body bag.
Oh you fucker. Jimbo dude.
Sorry lads it's the beer.
Oh. Oh fuck me.
Surely they'll realise gone and they'll come looking for us.
I mean they knew where we were going didn't they?
Surely, surely it's only a matter of time.
Yeah. It's only a matter of time.
# Cold Cold Ground - Tom Waits #
Come on you. You're getting in here. Right. Up you get mate.
Up you get. We're off to find Vinnie.
It's not like him to not pick up his calls.
I'll be back in a sec, right?
Carol I'm off! I'm taking Martin to go find Vinnie.
Martin... Martin... Oh for fuck sake.
Martin?
Carol!
Ey, I tell you what, that's the best night's fucking kip
I've had for ages.
How can that even be dude?
Fucking silence. I was dead to the world.
I know we heard you.
Snoring on you is like sleeping next to a fucking hog.
Listen, main thing is, we're all still alive, now listen. Listen.
I think I've come up with a bit of a plan.
You see the vent behind us. Just there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
We can pull the door of that vent.
I reckon if one of us can shimmy through.
Get a bit of phone reception.
Get hold of someone you know what I mean. Brilliant.
That is actually a very good idea, but I'm gonna say this right,
I'm extremely claustrophobic. Yeah I've got bad knees.
Dude you can fuck off!
It's always that who has to do the terrible fucking job,
that nobody wants to do.
None of us wanna go through a freezing fucking steel vent.
But someone's gonna have to man, you know.
Vin! Vinnie!!! Vinnie!
Vinnie!!
He's not here. Ah. He must be.
Fuck it. He's not, call Erin!
Hello.
Erin have you seen Vinnie? Not since yesterday, no, why?
We're outside the shack,
he's not answering and he's not answering his phone either
and we've also lost the fucking dog.
Has he still got that friend finder on his phone?
Friend finder, what the fuck is that?
Right, where are you?
How are we deciding who goes up?
Alright, what about this then- Ip dip.
Fucking Ip dip? Ip dip, mate.
Ip dip sky blue, granny sitting on the loo - playing darts,
she farts, out goes you! That's not how it goes.
It's ip dip doo, doggy done a poo, went to the cinema at half past two,
when the film started, everyone farted, out goes you.
There's a cat, dude. There's cat that had flu that's wrong that-
There's no fucking cat mate? There's a cat that got flu!
There's a cat got the flu, the dog that got chickenpox!
Cat's don't get flu do they? Well dogs don't go to the fucking cinema,
Tommy, you know what I mean. Maybe it was the cat that farted.
No, no, no, no granny farted, didn't she?! When she was on the loo.
Why's would she be, why would there be an old women farting her
arse off on loo playing darts? Are we gonna play the game or not?
Yes. Yes.
Right. Who's version?
This is fucking weird.
Come on. We're wasting time, I'm never gonna get Martin back!
Cardi, you have lost a dog and one of your best friends,
now what is more important?
Right the app said they were here last night,
so maybe they're still in there.
Why would they still be in a fucking funeral parlour the next morning?
Unless... Gary's caught them... and killed them.
And now they're lying in coffins...
Well it's not going to be that, is it, Cardi?
No probably not.
Oh it's cold.
Can you see owt?
Can't go that way. Reverse. Other way.
Right. Pass me. Pass me your phone. Got it yep yep.
Hurry up dude!
What were that?
Answer it then, dickhead.
Vinnie's phone's ringing but he's not picking up.
This doors been jimmied.
Right come on.
Come here you fucking borrower.
Get out the way. Go on. Go on. Fuck sake.
Right, I'm asking for two inches.
As the actress said to the bishop.
No. No. Honestly dude.
Is this the time for a lame penis joke.
No it isn't. No. Go on.
Vin?!
Vinnie! Vin?!
Tommo...?
Oh. Fucking signal.
Vinnie? Vin?
Vinnie?
Tommo?
Oh well, they're definitely not in here.
Nearly there.
Nearly got it dude.
Bollocks, dude it was Erin.
No, no, no, no. Fuck.
What?
Hello? Hello, Vincent.
Are you alright Davey love. Dude, I am in terrible jam.
I'm gonna have to bell you back.
You fucking hung up on him. Well yeah. It were Davey MacDonagh.
What the fuck are you playing at?
That could've been our only chance to get out of here!
He's not gonna come down here and help,
he'd be fucking made up we were stuck in here.
Twit. I'm gonna ring Erin.
I've gotta do that stupid dog race thing yet you know.
Alright well go on then.
It's ringing! It's fucking ringing!
Good. Good. Good.
Vin - where are you?
Vin!
Dog race. He's gone, Vin — He's gone.
The dog, he was in the back of the van and now he's.
We've got to get the dog. We've got to get the dog.
Pissing dog run off. What about us? I am fucking freezing.
He's being stolen. He might not've been stolen.
He has been stolen. Oh my God. Dude, he's been stolen?
He's been fucking stolen.
It's the fucking MacDonagh's. Erin. Erin. Carol. Warm up the lads.
Make sure Jim's alright, I think he's gonna die.
Right Jim your with me. Tommo get in.
Right. Fuckers. Right, you just- You stay here.
Dude, if they have got Martin in there I am fucking coming in.
I have got fucking bog roll on me boot!
Where the fuck is he now?!
Hello, Vincent, Vincent's friend.
Fuck sake. Fucking red hot in here.
Where's the dog? Have a seat.
I don't want a seat, I want the dog you stole!
Did you have chance to think about my generous offer?
Yeah, I did. But I can't man.
I can't go in to another partnership.
I'm sorry it's a fucking no!
Barry.
Oh Martin. Ah-ah.
Lovely creatures aren't they dogs,
but they have a very different system to ours.
They have trouble regulating their own temperature.
Which is why they pant a lot.
Final chance, Vincent.
It's a fucking no! No!
Dude, what the fuck you doing?
You're not this fucking guy, are you? Hey, is this you?
All you have to do is say is yes, Vincent.
And then we will have a lovely business arrangement.
Vin, Vin, please man. Please. Shit!
One word, three letters.
Vin, please, he's gonna fucking die in there man.
Davey, don't do this man. It's just a fucking stunt.
It's a stunt in it, come on. You know what I want Vincent.
Yeah but this isn't the way to get it, Davey.
Let the fucking dog out now!
Please, Mister MacDonagh. Please let the dog out.
Open the door.
Open the fucking door.
Vinnie he's gonna fucking die in there, please man.
Shit! Erm. Fuck it then. I'll do it.
I'll do it! I'll go into partnership with ya. I'll do it.
I'll do it just whatever. Let the fucking dog out you psycho.
So macho. Just let the dog out.
Give them the dog back, Barry.
It's alright. It's alright.
Come on man, come on. Barry.
Barry!
Hello Martin. Come on love.
There's your foot.
Thank you, Vincent.
Come on Cardi love.
It's alright Martin. Let's get him to the race track.
Get back in your box, twinkle toes.
# Dog Days - Florence and the Machine #
Go on lad, here we go.
Go on Cardi. Go on Cardi.
Lets hope it's been for a shit already this time. Go on Cardi.
Here's to your community centre. And a life free of fear.
Right, here we go.
Here it comes. Here it comes. Come on mate.
Come on mate. Come on Martin.
Come on Martin.
# Woncha Come On Home - Joan Armatrading #
We all ready to go camping? I'd rather get a UTI.
At least one of us, is prepared for the wilderness.
Dylan on drugs.
Classic horror film mistake that lads.
It's cursed.
I've seen things.
I'm fucking shitting myself?
Don't move! We're all gonna fucking die here.
Jesus Christ. Sarah?
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