Welcome to "the misery index," where misery loves company.
-Yeah! Yeah! -Yeah!
Jameela: We have scoured the globe
For the world's most miserable true stories,
Then asked a panel of respected psychologists
To rate those stories based on three pillars of misery --
Physical pain, emotional trauma,
And long-term psychological impact.
The higher the combined misery,
The higher it lands on our misery index.
What is going on? What is going on?
Our two contestants must try and decide
How those events were rated for a chance at our grand prize
Of $30,000.
You're about to win some money!
So, let's get miserable.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Hello. I am jameela jamil,
And welcome to "the misery index."
Tonight, we have two very miserable contestants --
Bryan mcintire, who once crashed two cars in two days.
And sam lyons, who once insulted her own wedding guests.
And now, from trutv's hit "impractical jokers,"
Give it up for my sons, the tenderloins,
Sal, joe, q, and murr.
[ cheers and applause ]
How we doing? Whoo! Yeah!
Jinx.
You guys are amazing. I'm pumped.
Yes, we're gonna win! We're excited to be with you, man.
Q is in a full suit.
What's going on this season? The corduroy wonder.
You don't know the corduroy kid? Check him out!
I was born in '76, so I decided to do a throwback
To my birth year.
Okay, so let's get to know our guests.
Bryan, what happened?
So, I was 16 years old.
I begged and pleaded my mom to get me a hot sports car.
First day out, I got it,
And I was listening to "99 problems"
By jay-z, took a corner too tight,
Right over a curb, smashed it into a parked car.
Next day, I'm begging my mom to let me take her car to school.
She eventually lets me.
I'm backing out of the driveway.
Boom, right into a car passing.
And I just haven't driven a car or listened to jay-z ever since.
[ laughter ]
And, sam, offended all of your wedding guests?
Yes. I did.
I wrote my "thank you" notes,
Because my husband refused to help me.
Like they do. Typical. Typical guy.
Once he locked you down, he stopped caring.
That's what happens. Exactly.
So I ended up writing to one of his college girlfriends --
"so sorry you couldn't make it.
We really missed you at the wedding."
And a week later, we got a screenshot saying,
"guess we weren't that memorable."
I love karma.
I have a question. There you go.
Go on.
It being the year 2021,
Can a man say to a woman, "nice gams?"
Oh, absolutely. Yeah!
Look at them gams!
[ chanting ] gams! Gams! Gams! Gams!
Okay, okay.
Everyone, please, behold the keeper of all things miserable.
It is the traumatron.
-Ooooh. -Ooh.
So, the name of our first game is misery lane,
And I'm gonna put two misery markers on the index.
And the first one is...
"you reel in a trash bag of body parts."
That's, like, an 8. We're from staten island.
That's, like, an 8. Yeah.
Which our shrinks rated at a 67.
Okay, the second one is,
"you help a friend move in 100-degree heat,"
Which our shrinks only rated at a 42.
Okay, so I'm gonna show each of you an event.
You don't have to tell me the exact number.
Just if it falls above, below,
Or in between the two cards that you see on the index.
Bryan, you get to go first.
-Okay. Here we go. -Let's go.
Please check out this misery.
Man: Oh, oh. Oh, no.
-Aah! -Ohh!
Jameela: No, no, no. Look. She makes it.
The little kid makes it.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
-God! -God!
That was some "matrix" stuff, man.
That was crazy. Wow!
If you zoom in, you can actually see bryan is the driver.
-Whoa! -That is terrifying.
Look, I think this is definitely worse than the body parts.
As much as I wouldn't want to reel in a bag of body parts --
That would affect me greatly --
I wouldn't want that to happen to me even more,
And I think we're all in agreeance.
Yeah, I think we're all in agreement here.
It's above. I'm going "above."
Jameela: Alright, you said it is above. Let's see what our shrinks say.
Good luck.
-I'm literally... -Please.
-Come on. Come on. Get back up. -It's going extra slow.
Extra slow. -Oh, why is it taking its time?
Come on, get there! Get there! Don't slow down!
Don't slow down. You're all good. You're all good.
Bam! 79. 79. That's what we're talking about.
So, you are correct, bryan. You just banked $500.
Yeah!
Okay, sam, you and your team, please check out this misery.
-Oh, I know this. -We have a monkey.
It's a monkey on a bike.
Monkey sees a baby and kidnaps baby.
-What is that, a monkey?! -It's a monkey stealing a child.
I feel like you'd be disappointed
If a monkey didn't try and steal your baby.
I don't know what monkeys you're hanging around.
How amazing that a monkey on a tiny, little motorcycle
Isn't the most amazing part of that video.
-Yeah. -What's your feelings?
I would say -- 'cause there's not really physical pain --
Very minimal.
Emotional trauma, for sure,
'cause now you're scared for the rest of your life.
And psychological, you're gonna always think about it.
Where's a monkey? Yeah, I get you.
What do you think? You're the professional.
The endangerment of your child is gonna have
A bigger emotional and long-term impact, I think,
Than finding some random bag of body parts.
For me, I think it's above.
I'm gonna go in between.
We're gonna go with in between.
Jameela: Alright, you've said it's in between.
Let's see what our shrinks say.
Oh!
♪♪
Oh, god. Oh, god.
-Ahhh. -Ahh!
Come on! Come on! Yes!
Great job.
Well, you are correct.
Coming up, one of these contestants
Will get a shot at $30,000.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ cheers and applause ]
Hello. And welcome back to "the misery index."
So bryan has $500, and sam also has $500,
But there's lots more humiliation to explore
Before one of them plays for $30,000.
Sam, this time, you get to go first.
-Alright, here we go. -So I'm gonna show you
Two deeply traumatic events, and you just have to tell me
Which is worse according to our shrinks.
So, for $1,000, tell me which one of these misfortunes
Lands higher on the misery index.
Is it this?
"man wins $291 million in lottery, and brother wins $7."
Ooh.
Or is this more miserable?
"drunk czech man mistakes bank for bedroom
And sleeps naked by the atm."
We're friends a long time. I didn't know you were czech.
[ laughter ]
Okay, so, let's talk your pillars.
Well, there's no physical pain.
Emotional trauma, obviously, extremely embarrassing.
And psychological impact -- for life.
I would look back on that moment and just never drink again.
I got to be honest with you, it's not that bad.
-Really? Personal experience? -I can't go to the bank. -It's not that bad.
-I'll never go to the bank. -Personal experience.
I will say this -- if I was in that situation
And my brother won 7 bucks, instantly I'd be like,
"we're splitting this." -yeah, for sure.
So if he did that, then I'll give you the bank,
But if he didn't do that... -Right.
That's what I was thinking... -...That's a 90 to me.
...That they might be splitting.
I mean, that would be cruel
If he didn't give his brother something.
Okay, sam, ultimately, the decision is yours.
What are you feeling?
We're gonna go, "you pass out naked in a bank"
Is more miserable.
-I agree. -Okay.
Let's first see where our shrinks put the other choice.
Oh, good luck.
Okay, 47 is completely beatable.
Let's see if you're right. -Come on, come on, come on, come on.
I think ours will be in the 60s.
Come on, come on.
Jameela: You're right!
-Yeah! Yeah! -Those razor-sharp instincts you got.
That's $1,000.
That's in the bank with the naked guy.
You step over the naked guy, and you put it in the deposit.
So that is correct, and you just won $1,000!
Yes! Yes! Yeah!
-There we go. -There we go. -Best teammates.
Jameela: Alright, bryan, so for $1,000,
Tell me which one of these sensory overloads
Ranks higher on the misery index.
Is it this?
Okay, so he's quickly reaching in to his ball sack,
And then he's doing a sniff.
-Ohh! -He's holding it, though.
He committed to the sniff. He held it up there for a bit. -You gotta know.
That was the point that really was like,
"this has gone somewhere else right now."
There's a difference if he was just checking
If he smelled and was like, "nah, that's not me."
But that was like, "ooh, yeah, it is."
Or is this more miserable?
"bizarre ear condition makes a woman
Unable to hear men's voices."
Sounds like a gift!
This is a real thing.
A specialist diagnosed her with reverse-slope hearing loss,
In which she could only hear high frequencies.
So it's all women and david beckham, that's it.
[ laughter ]
Can I point out the graphic
For "caught smelling your balls on tv"?
What are we doing? Is that really -- -they ramped that up.
-He wasn't doing -- -let's try it out.
Let's see if he can do it.
I can't --
-Ow, ow! Easy, easy! -He got it! He got it!
Murr, you're pretty bendy.
-Bryan, what are you thinking? -I think it's pretty clear here.
So, physical pain, there's not a lot,
I think, on either side.
Emotional trauma --
So, caught smelling your balls on tv is pretty bad.
You're pretty embarrassed. However, I feel like guys,
Like, we've all kind of been there, right?
Like, a lot of guys are watching that potentially like,
"I've done it." maybe not on live television.
Think of it this way --
That's her whole life, right, she's affected.
She can't hear half the planet, literally.
-Yeah. -He had a very, very bad moment,
But it was a moment.
Hers lasts her lifetime. I think that's clear.
Yeah. Yeah. I think it's "you can't hear male voices."
Okay. Well, let's first see
Where our shrinks put the other choice.
-Come on. -It's got to be high, though.
-60. -Oh, okay. I thought so. -Beatable.
Beatable. -Now, let's see if your choice is correct.
This is for $1,000.
Sal: You're correct, bryan. You're correct.
I feel really good.
-Whoo! -Yes!
Jameela: That is correct. We have a tight game.
Do not go anywhere, because when we come back,
Someone is headed home, and someone is moving on
For a shot at $30,000.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ cheers and applause ]
Oh, welcome back to "the misery index."
It all comes down to this one miserable event
To determine who is the true master of misery
Moving on to play for their shot at the grand prize.
Currently, bryan has $1,500, and sam also has $1,500.
Wow. I'm checking the numbers. That's a tie.
Indeed, we have a tight game,
So whoever's closest to our shrink's score wins the round.
So let's play a game called behind the misery.
So please direct your attention to the traumatron.
-I believe in you, kenna. -Oh.
[ indistinct conversations ]
-Why isn't she getting down? -Set!
[ gunshot ]
[ audience groans ]
-Oh [bleep] -are you okay, honey?
Oh, she got knocked the [bleep] out.
She's so upset. -She's not catching up.
She -- she ran down.
We are very lucky, 'cause now,
Here to tell us all about her misery
Is the face behind that face-plant.
Please, everyone welcome kenna.
-Kenna! -Kenna!
-Hey! -Hi, kenna.
-Yay, kenna! -Hi.
How are you? Thanks for coming.
-I'm good. How are you? -Good.
Wait, wait, wait. Did you win?
-No. -No. Okay.
[ laughter ]
Tell us exactly what happened.
So, I almost got a false start, and, like, I caught myself,
But right when I caught myself,
The noise or whatever went off to start,
And then I kind of did the little, like, ehh-ehh
And, like, fell on my face.
And it hurt really, really bad.
When I got up, I, like, was really confused,
And I fell over again. -Who was watching?
Was it in front of, like, the whole school, or was this a competition?
Yeah, it was my whole school and, like, other schools, too.
How long did people make fun of you in school?
They still make fun of me.
Oh, no.
Did you run again in races after that?
No. Never.
-That was the last race? -Mm-hmm.
Good for you! It's dangerous and stupid!
-Wow! -Dangerous if you run like that.
Well, kenna, you are a very good sport,
Even if you're not good at sports.
But thank you for being here.
-Thank you. -Thank you, kenna.
-Bye, kenna. Thank you. -Thank you.
Q: Good sport, man.
Okay, so for $2,000,
Talk it through and lock in where you think
"you lose the race before it starts"
Lands on the misery index.
It hits all three pillars.
It's embarrassing and emotionally impactful.
It's traumatic. -Pain's up there.
Trauma -- in front of everybody. And embarrassed for sure, right?
Everyone, please lock in.
[ speaks indistinctly ]
Okay, go for it.
Okay, everyone is locked in.
Let's see who has mastered the misery
By being the closest to the correct answer.
Bryan, you have said that losing the race before it starts
Lands at a...52.
Whoa.
And, sam, you have said that it lands at a...
42. -Whoa.
Okay, we got it. Oh, I like where we are.
Let's see what our shrinks say.
They are currently neck-and-neck.
Joe: Alright, here we go. Here we go, sam.
I think you won. I think you won. I think you won.
I think we got this, buddy. -Come on. Come on, baby.
[ cheers and applause ]
You did it!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
-Look at you go. Look at you go. -So sam wins!
Unfortunately, that means we're gonna have to say
Goodbye to bryan,
But sam is moving on and will be playing
For the $30,000 grand prize right after this.
Don't go anywhere.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Hello. And welcome to "the misery index."
Sam has chosen q to assist her in the grand prize final round,
The $30,000 margin of misery.
[ applause ]
So, sam, if and when you win it all,
What are you gonna do with the money?
I want to help my mom retire early.
She's a schoolteacher, and I want her to be done.
She has one or two more years, and I would love for her
To be able to enjoy herself while she still can.
-Nice. Whoo! -Yeah.
-Good luck, q. -I know.
Oh, just mom's retirement. Here we go.
So I'm gonna show you three terrible events
Worth $5,000, $10,000, and $15,000,
And after each one, you will place a range finder
Where you think it lands on the misery index.
But as the money gets bigger, the range finder gets smaller.
So, are you ready to play?
Yes, I am.
-Whoo! -Alright.
Jameela: Okay, let's do it.
Let's get miserable.
Okay, so your first event is worth $5,000
And has a range of 30 points this time.
Take a look at this.
A man was able to walk away after a car
Slammed through a restaurant and pinned him against the wall.
Check out this surveillance video
From a restaurant in arizona.
My goodness.
The car comes barreling through the window
And directly hits blair robertson.
Robertson is a psychic but says he didn't see this coming.
A lot of times, we can't even read our own lives.
That's just how it works. -Here it comes.
[ laughs ]
What you got? Tell me.
Because every time you've said got it, it's been correct.
I mean, physical pain, obviously, is high on this one.
Emotional trauma -- you're gonna be nervous
To sit anywhere near where a car is coming.
You're gonna lose faith in yourself a bit, aren't you?
Come on.
Well, he was already making excuses for himself.
He was like, "oh, you can't read your own."
Sure.
So, actually, because of his job,
I actually think it's a little bit more traumatic,
Because now he's dealing with these jokes all the time.
I agree.
We're thinking 35 to 65.
-40 to 70. -30 maybe. Yeah, 40 to --
-Yeah, you want them high 30s. -30s?
Sam: I don't think so.
I think the pain takes it higher than that, I think,
So I would go 40 to 70.
Okay, so within a range of 30, where does
"your psychic powers fail" land on the misery index?
Your time starts now.
You going 40 to 70?
Okay.
5...4...
You got it. I love the confidence.
I love the confidence!
Okay, so you are locked in between 40 and 70.
For $5,000, let's see where it lands.
-I think you got this. -It's in the 50s.
You're good. You're good. You're good.
50! 52!
-[ squealing ] -52!
It's not above 70. It's not above 70.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
[ cheers and applause ]
Jameela: Oh, my god. Sam, you just made it.
So that was correct, and you just banked $5,000.
Wow!
Whoo!
Next event is worth $10,000,
And you will have a range of only 20 points this time.
Let's take a look.
This here is exclusive footage
Of q and murray every single morning.
Murr: What the hell?
[ all groan ]
-Ohh, now she's in it. -Oh, now she's in it.
[ audience groaning ]
Ooh. She's not getting that broom back.
What was that over?
I don't know, man. What do you want from me?
I'm just the mistress of misery. Like...
Emotional trauma -- with a neighbor,
It's usually -- this is going to be a psychological impact
For long-term as long -- until you move.
If I had that experience with my neighbors,
I would be shaken up pretty badly.
-Yeah. -I've lived through this.
Something similar. Not with the wood.
But I've lived through this, and you lose sleep over it.
-So go 45-65. -I might be at
A 45 to 65 on that. -Yeah, 45-65. Go.
Yeah, I'm gonna go around maybe 43 to 63.
-Love it. -Okay, within a range of 20,
Where does "you are in a wood war with your neighbor"
Land on the index?
Your 10 seconds starts now.
Murr: 45 to 65!
[ audience shouting ]
No, higher, higher, higher! Higher!
-I don't know. -3...
Ooh!
You are locked in between 39 and 59.
Come on, sam.
For $10,000, where did our shrinks rate it
On the misery index?
We're about to find out now.
It could be right in the middle.
It could be right in the middle. -It could be higher.
Murr: Come on, sam! Come on!
-Ohh. -What?!
Oh, no!
I'm afraid that is incorrect, so you did not win $10,000.
However, there's now $15,000 on the table.
-Okay. -Way more exciting.
Let's go out on a high note.
So here we go.
Our final misery, it's worth $15,000,
And you are going to have to get it
Within a range of only 10 this time.
Good luck.
Now, take a look at this.
-Whoa. -Wow!
Jameela: "china: Doctors remove 420 kidney stones from patient."
Well, I mean, on one hand, kidney stones.
On the other hand, 420! Yeah!
The corduroy outfit's really hitting home.
Get your confidence back up. What does your gut tell you right now?
Give me a number right now. -Give you a number right now?
-Yeah. -Oh, my god.
Not a range. Give me a number. Single number.
I would say...
82. -There it is.
82? -82 is...
-Maybe. -It's an operation, right?
It's an operation. -Right, it's an op--
And they caught him just in time. He didn't pass.
He was probably in a lot of pain before the operation.
-Pain -- high. Pain -- high. -Pain's there.
They are very painful, not just to pass.
-Right. -So, yeah, I think --
Yeah, maybe a little bit lower. You might be right.
-I think 80 is very optimistic.
Right. Yeah. -I might go like 60 to 70?
I was thinking 55 to 65, was where I was at with that.
Murr: We're all over the place. Oh, my gosh.
-So we're all over the map. -Within a range of 10,
Where does "you have 420 kidney stones removed"
Land on the misery index?
Your 10 seconds starts now.
This is it. -Come on, sam!
-We got it, we got it. -Thinking 68! 68!
Sal: Stay where you want!
Jameela: 5...4...3... -Go back!
-...2...
1... -Do what you want to do. That's it. That's it.
-Sam is locked in between 69 and 79. -I think it might be high.
Alright, so for $15,000, let's see where
"you have 420 kidney stones removed"
Lands on the misery index.
This is it, everyone. -Here we go.
Here we go. You got it. Okay.
We knew that. Okay.
Let's go. Let's go. We got it. Stop. 10, 20, 30, 40.
-So tense! -Keep going!
Keep going! Keep going! -Keep going! We know it's going.
Hit the brakes, hit the brakes. -Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! -Slow down, slow down!
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Both at 70 in the first round at the end.
-Sam! -Thank god!
-Sam! -Sam, you did it!
-Thank god! -You did it! You did it!
-Thank god. -Okay, so that is correct.
Congratulations.
Sam, you are going home with $23,500.
[ cheers and applause ]
And that will do it for "the misery index."
I am jameela jamil, and from me and sam
And the tenderloins, good night!
-Yes! -Yes!
Fantastic! Wow!
Joe: Great job. Great job.
[ cheers and applause ]