1
00:00:02,469 --> 00:00:05,337
Welcome to "the misery index,"
where misery loves company.

2
00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:06,939
-Yeah! Yeah!
-Yeah!

3
00:00:06,941 --> 00:00:08,540
Jameela:
We have scoured the globe

4
00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:11,009
For the world's
most miserable true stories,

5
00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:13,077
Then asked a panel
of respected psychologists

6
00:00:13,079 --> 00:00:15,880
To rate those stories based on
three pillars of misery --

7
00:00:15,882 --> 00:00:17,549
Physical pain,
emotional trauma,

8
00:00:17,551 --> 00:00:19,684
And long-term
psychological impact.

9
00:00:19,686 --> 00:00:22,020
The higher
the combined misery,

10
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:23,755
The higher it lands
on our misery index.

11
00:00:23,757 --> 00:00:25,090
What is going on?
What is going on?

12
00:00:25,092 --> 00:00:27,025
Our two contestants
must try and decide

13
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:30,095
How those events were rated
for a chance at our grand prize

14
00:00:30,097 --> 00:00:32,230
Of $30,000.

15
00:00:32,232 --> 00:00:34,299
You're about to win
some money!

16
00:00:34,301 --> 00:00:35,900
So, let's get miserable.

17
00:00:35,902 --> 00:00:38,170
[ cheers and applause ]

18
00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:43,308
♪♪

19
00:00:43,310 --> 00:00:46,110
Hello, I'm jameela jamil and
welcome to "the misery index."

20
00:00:46,112 --> 00:00:49,314
Tonight, we have two
very miserable contestants,

21
00:00:49,316 --> 00:00:53,185
Rio ippoliti, who once
accidentally ate mouse poop,

22
00:00:53,187 --> 00:00:55,119
And lamarr todd,

23
00:00:55,121 --> 00:00:59,391
Who was once the victim
of an std smear campaigns.

24
00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:00,725
It's very miserable.

25
00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:03,127
And now, from trutv's hit
"impractical jokers,"

26
00:01:03,129 --> 00:01:04,329
Please give it up
for the tenderloins,

27
00:01:04,331 --> 00:01:06,331
Sal, joe, q, and murr!

28
00:01:06,333 --> 00:01:08,133
[ cheers and applause ]

29
00:01:08,135 --> 00:01:11,003
Here we go!
Misery index!

30
00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:16,074
We're teammates.
We're gonna freakin' win.

31
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:18,410
Wow.
So good to see you.

32
00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:21,346
So good to see you
and everyone here.

33
00:01:21,348 --> 00:01:23,415
Hello.
Hello, everyone.

34
00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:25,350
So, rio, you ate shit.

35
00:01:25,352 --> 00:01:26,819
Yeah. [ laughs ]

36
00:01:26,821 --> 00:01:28,687
I was cleaning my bedroom

37
00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:30,823
And I saw a little piece
of candy on the floor

38
00:01:30,825 --> 00:01:32,424
And I said,
"ooh, a little treat for me."

39
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,893
So I pick it up,
I swish it around my mouth,

40
00:01:34,895 --> 00:01:38,296
And I go, "that is not candy.
That is mouse poop."

41
00:01:38,298 --> 00:01:41,099
And lamarr, what happened?
Who smeared you?

42
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:45,437
My freshman year in college,
I thought, like, I was a player.

43
00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:49,508
Somebody decided to start
a smear campaign against me

44
00:01:49,510 --> 00:01:53,978
Saying "lamarr todd has crabs,"

45
00:01:53,980 --> 00:01:56,048
And they posted it
all over campus

46
00:01:56,050 --> 00:01:59,251
And they started calling me
from there on, mr. Krabs.

47
00:01:59,253 --> 00:02:01,920
Doing this.
Who did this to you?

48
00:02:01,922 --> 00:02:03,655
The mystery remains unsolved.

49
00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:05,457
Oh.

50
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,593
Please behold the keeper
of all things miserable --

51
00:02:08,595 --> 00:02:10,595
It is the traumatron.

52
00:02:10,597 --> 00:02:13,131
Ohh.

53
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:15,333
The name of our first game
is "misery lane,"

54
00:02:15,335 --> 00:02:18,136
I'm gonna put two
misery markers on the index

55
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:19,137
And the first one is --

56
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:21,540
You are still a virgin at 75,

57
00:02:21,542 --> 00:02:26,678
Which our shrinks rated at a 67.

58
00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:28,547
And the second one is --

59
00:02:28,549 --> 00:02:31,416
Your plus-one to a wedding
hijacks the mic.

60
00:02:31,418 --> 00:02:32,551
I've done that.
Have you?

61
00:02:32,553 --> 00:02:34,352
100%. Done it.
What happened?

62
00:02:34,354 --> 00:02:36,088
Because I wasn't
having fun at the wedding

63
00:02:36,090 --> 00:02:39,357
And it was kind of boring,
so I thought I'd jazz it up.

64
00:02:39,359 --> 00:02:42,561
Okay, well, look,
our shrinks rate it at 36.

65
00:02:42,563 --> 00:02:44,096
I'm going to show each of you
an event.

66
00:02:44,098 --> 00:02:45,564
You don't have to tell me
the exact number,

67
00:02:45,566 --> 00:02:48,433
Just if it falls above, below
or in between the two cards

68
00:02:48,435 --> 00:02:49,768
That you see on the index.

69
00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:50,969
Rio, you get to go first.

70
00:02:50,971 --> 00:02:54,038
Okay.

71
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:55,307
[ cheering ]

72
00:02:55,309 --> 00:02:56,174
Jameela:
So that's a bungee jump.

73
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:57,175
Joe: Yeah.
Murr: Okay.

74
00:02:57,177 --> 00:03:00,245
Pretty attached.
Seems okay.

75
00:03:00,247 --> 00:03:01,379
That broke.

76
00:03:01,381 --> 00:03:02,915
[ audience groans ]

77
00:03:02,917 --> 00:03:04,048
[bleep].

78
00:03:04,050 --> 00:03:07,452
You never hear of bungee
jumping going wrong.

79
00:03:07,454 --> 00:03:08,720
This is a tricky one,
rio,

80
00:03:08,722 --> 00:03:10,655
Because virgin is 75.

81
00:03:10,657 --> 00:03:12,925
You've gone your life
without the embrace of another.

82
00:03:12,927 --> 00:03:15,928
Murr, this is the embrace
of another, to you?

83
00:03:15,930 --> 00:03:17,730
Listen, he's speaking
from experience.

84
00:03:17,732 --> 00:03:19,464
Listen to the man.

85
00:03:19,466 --> 00:03:20,665
But on the other hand,

86
00:03:20,667 --> 00:03:23,602
You don't die from
from being a virgin.

87
00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:24,869
The bungee cord snapping,

88
00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:26,871
There is a lot
of physical pain in there.

89
00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:28,140
Definitely a lot of trauma.

90
00:03:28,142 --> 00:03:29,674
You're already trying
to do a near-death experience,

91
00:03:29,676 --> 00:03:31,744
And now you made it
almost the full way.

92
00:03:31,746 --> 00:03:33,545
And psychological impact --

93
00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:34,813
That's going to haunt you
in your dreams.

94
00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:36,214
I'm going higher.
Yeah.

95
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:38,683
Okay, you're saying it is above.

96
00:03:38,685 --> 00:03:41,086
Let's see what our shrinks say.

97
00:03:41,088 --> 00:03:43,155
Murr: Ohh.

98
00:03:43,157 --> 00:03:44,356
Watch this.
Watch this. Watch this.

99
00:03:44,358 --> 00:03:45,824
I mean, it's coming back.
Come on. Come on.

100
00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:47,292
It's coming back.
Oh, there it is.

101
00:03:47,294 --> 00:03:50,028
Come oh. Come on.
Murr: Ohhh!

102
00:03:50,030 --> 00:03:52,097
Go, go!
Come on,
get that card up!

103
00:03:52,099 --> 00:03:54,166
[ cheering ]

104
00:03:54,168 --> 00:03:55,500
Rio, you are correct.

105
00:03:55,502 --> 00:03:58,236
You just banked yourself $500.

106
00:03:58,238 --> 00:03:59,904
[ cheering ]

107
00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:01,506
Okay, mr. Krabs, you're up.

108
00:04:01,508 --> 00:04:06,244
You and your team need to
check out this misery now,

109
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:09,914
Okay, so she's just
setting up her bed.

110
00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:11,650
Everything looks good.

111
00:04:11,652 --> 00:04:12,851
Rv?
And...

112
00:04:12,853 --> 00:04:15,320
[ audience groans ]
oh, sad.

113
00:04:15,322 --> 00:04:16,588
Lamarr:
Oh, wow. Okay.

114
00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,323
Being closed up
in a mattress --

115
00:04:18,325 --> 00:04:19,924
You know,
it's unfortunate,

116
00:04:19,926 --> 00:04:21,259
But really,
at the end of the day,

117
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:22,927
You just gonna
peel that back,

118
00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:24,797
And you're gonna continue
what you're doing.

119
00:04:24,799 --> 00:04:27,399
I think you'd be mortified in
front of this crowd of people,

120
00:04:27,401 --> 00:04:29,067
So that would be way
more mortifying to me.

121
00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:30,402
I think just getting
caught up in a bed

122
00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:31,804
Would be under
these two.

123
00:04:31,806 --> 00:04:33,538
That's what I think.
I concur.

124
00:04:33,540 --> 00:04:34,873
I think it's
an easy one.

125
00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:38,543
What, you put on a blazer,
and now you say "I concur?"

126
00:04:38,545 --> 00:04:40,945
I concur as well.
It's below.
Great.

127
00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:42,881
Jameela:
He concurs that it is below.

128
00:04:42,883 --> 00:04:46,218
Okay, let's see what
our shrinks say.

129
00:04:46,220 --> 00:04:47,486
Let's get lamarr
some money now.

130
00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:48,553
It's got to be.

131
00:04:48,555 --> 00:04:51,223
Come on, come on,
come on! Come on!

132
00:04:51,225 --> 00:04:52,825
Come on, man!
I need that money!

133
00:04:52,827 --> 00:04:55,160
[ cheering ]

134
00:04:55,162 --> 00:04:57,229
Jameela: And we have a game.

135
00:04:57,231 --> 00:04:59,564
Coming up, the money doubles,
but so does the misery.

136
00:04:59,566 --> 00:05:00,899
And later,
one of these contestants

137
00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:03,768
Will get a shot at $30,000.

138
00:05:03,770 --> 00:05:08,741
[ cheers and applause ]

139
00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:13,579
[ cheers and applause ]

140
00:05:13,581 --> 00:05:15,781
Hello, and welcome back
to "the misery index."

141
00:05:15,783 --> 00:05:19,051
So rio has $500
and lamarr also has $500,

142
00:05:19,053 --> 00:05:21,453
But there is lots more
humiliation to explore

143
00:05:21,455 --> 00:05:25,323
Before one of them plays
for $30,000.

144
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:26,992
Sal: Alright.
Yeah.

145
00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:29,127
Lamarr, this time
you get to go first.

146
00:05:29,129 --> 00:05:31,263
I'm going to show you
two deeply traumatic events,

147
00:05:31,265 --> 00:05:32,730
And you just have to tell me

148
00:05:32,732 --> 00:05:35,267
Which is worse,
according to our shrinks.

149
00:05:35,269 --> 00:05:36,534
Are you ready?
Ready.

150
00:05:36,536 --> 00:05:39,204
Okay, tell me which one
of these animal encounters

151
00:05:39,206 --> 00:05:41,873
Lands higher
on the misery index.

152
00:05:41,875 --> 00:05:44,876
"naked sunbather chases
wild boar through park

153
00:05:44,878 --> 00:05:49,347
After it steals his laptop."

154
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:52,017
Tell me if this
is more miserable --

155
00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:53,285
"thinking it was for pets,

156
00:05:53,287 --> 00:05:57,623
Woman accidentally takes dog
to a 'furry' convention."

157
00:05:57,625 --> 00:06:00,426
Everybody's thinking,
"that's a really good costume."

158
00:06:00,428 --> 00:06:01,960
Exactly.
When it's
furries after dark,

159
00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:03,429
Do they take off
the costumes?

160
00:06:03,431 --> 00:06:05,163
Q, you know about these events.
You tell us what happens there.

161
00:06:05,165 --> 00:06:06,564
Oh, I love them,
man.

162
00:06:06,566 --> 00:06:08,166
The whole point
is the costume.
Sal: Yeah.

163
00:06:08,168 --> 00:06:09,501
So you never want
to take it off

164
00:06:09,503 --> 00:06:11,036
Until the last
possible moment.

165
00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:12,170
Oh, so you do
take it off, though.

166
00:06:12,172 --> 00:06:14,106
You don't just have a --
like a --

167
00:06:14,108 --> 00:06:16,308
Flap.
Yeah, like a flap?

168
00:06:16,310 --> 00:06:17,309
Oh, no,
there were flaps.

169
00:06:17,311 --> 00:06:18,910
Show me where your
flap is, q.

170
00:06:18,912 --> 00:06:19,845
Oh, my flap?
Yeah.

171
00:06:19,847 --> 00:06:22,247
Oh, yeah.
That's right about here.

172
00:06:22,249 --> 00:06:23,048
Yeahhh. Right there.

173
00:06:28,121 --> 00:06:30,322
He likes it when
his thigh gets rubbed on.

174
00:06:30,324 --> 00:06:32,124
So, lamarr, for $1,000,

175
00:06:32,126 --> 00:06:33,725
You need to decide
with your team

176
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:36,528
Which is more miserable.

177
00:06:36,530 --> 00:06:37,929
Joe: I don't see anything
all that damaging

178
00:06:37,931 --> 00:06:40,132
With bringing the dogs
to the furry convention.

179
00:06:40,134 --> 00:06:41,667
It doesn't really hit on
any of the pillars, to me.

180
00:06:41,669 --> 00:06:43,068
Maybe some
slight embarrassment.

181
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:46,804
Definitely think the boar thing
is more intense.

182
00:06:46,806 --> 00:06:48,674
Okay, so you are saying
that a wild boar

183
00:06:48,676 --> 00:06:50,542
Stealing your laptop is worse?

184
00:06:50,544 --> 00:06:51,677
Yes.

185
00:06:51,679 --> 00:06:52,744
Jameela: Okay, well,
let's first see where

186
00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:53,879
Our shrinks
put the other choice.

187
00:06:53,881 --> 00:06:56,214
Good luck.

188
00:06:56,216 --> 00:06:57,082
28.

189
00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:58,283
That's good for us.

190
00:06:58,285 --> 00:07:00,285
Let's see if you guys are right.

191
00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:01,487
Great.
Here we go.

192
00:07:01,489 --> 00:07:02,488
Here we go. Here we go.
Here we go, lamarr.

193
00:07:02,490 --> 00:07:04,556
Drop it like
it's hot, right now.
Boom.

194
00:07:04,558 --> 00:07:08,360
[ cheers and applause ]

195
00:07:08,362 --> 00:07:11,563
You've just won $1,000.
Well done.

196
00:07:11,565 --> 00:07:12,698
Rio, you're up.

197
00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:15,300
So, for $1,000, tell me
which one of these

198
00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:19,838
Tongue twisters ranks higher
on the misery index.

199
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:22,574
A home security system
called a man on camera

200
00:07:22,576 --> 00:07:25,310
Licking a doorbell in salinas.

201
00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:30,849
Police say roberto daniel arroyo
spent three hours

202
00:07:30,851 --> 00:07:33,785
Licking and
poking around the yard.
Three hours?

203
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,653
The homeowners, they were out,
but their kids were home,

204
00:07:35,655 --> 00:07:37,389
And they didn't hear anything.

205
00:07:37,391 --> 00:07:38,524
Three hours.

206
00:07:38,526 --> 00:07:40,759
The man's a champion.
He's a feminist.

207
00:07:42,930 --> 00:07:44,462
So you have to imagine, like,

208
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:47,533
You've got an alert on your
phone or on your intercom,

209
00:07:47,535 --> 00:07:52,270
You look through, and you see
this go on for three hours.

210
00:07:52,272 --> 00:07:54,206
And the way he keeps
making eye contact

211
00:07:54,208 --> 00:07:55,941
Q: Yes.
With the camera.

212
00:07:55,943 --> 00:07:58,009
I mean, he knows exactly
what he's doing.

213
00:07:58,011 --> 00:08:02,414
Okay, so, rio, alternatively,
is this more miserable?

214
00:08:02,416 --> 00:08:06,752
"jars of preserved human tongues
found in florida homes."

215
00:08:06,754 --> 00:08:11,356
Some of these jars
date back to the 1960s.

216
00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:13,158
I think this is
an easy one.
Rio: Yes.

217
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,493
I think the person
violating your home

218
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:18,096
With your children inside
and licking your doorbell,

219
00:08:18,098 --> 00:08:19,164
I think that's
definitely worse

220
00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:21,499
Than finding old tongues
in your house.

221
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:24,702
So I'm thinking someone
licking your doorbell,

222
00:08:24,704 --> 00:08:26,304
Horribly violating,

223
00:08:26,306 --> 00:08:29,841
Terrifying for the house,
but there's no physical injury,

224
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:32,378
No psychological impacts
down the road.

225
00:08:32,380 --> 00:08:34,780
It was just a weird thing
that happened once.

226
00:08:34,782 --> 00:08:37,115
Maybe some emotional trauma
for the doorbell,

227
00:08:37,117 --> 00:08:40,118
But for the human tongues
in your house, you might think,

228
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:42,120
"maybe there's a murderer
living in my basement."

229
00:08:42,122 --> 00:08:43,721
This is severe
psychological trauma.

230
00:08:43,723 --> 00:08:45,123
I still agree
with murray,

231
00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:49,327
Because that is
an active, ongoing threat.

232
00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:51,129
Like, you never know when
that's gonna happen again.

233
00:08:51,131 --> 00:08:52,998
Tongues, they've been
here since the '60s,

234
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,132
They never
hurt me once.

235
00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:56,534
So, rio, which one do you
think is more miserable?

236
00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:59,004
My gut and my tongue
both say tongues is worse.

237
00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:01,073
Okay.
Alright. Okay.

238
00:09:01,075 --> 00:09:02,608
So rio has said that finding

239
00:09:02,610 --> 00:09:04,276
Human tongues
in your house is worse.

240
00:09:04,278 --> 00:09:06,678
Let's first see where our
shrinks put the other choice.

241
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:09,014
Good luck, rio.

242
00:09:09,016 --> 00:09:10,415
41.
Okay, that's beatable.

243
00:09:10,417 --> 00:09:11,883
That's beatable.

244
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:14,419
Now, let's see
if your choice is correct.

245
00:09:14,421 --> 00:09:15,754
This is for $1,000.

246
00:09:15,756 --> 00:09:17,222
Come on, tongues.
Come on, tongues.

247
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:18,490
Give me a 42
on the tongues.

248
00:09:18,492 --> 00:09:19,557
Boom!

249
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,893
[ cheering ]

250
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,094
Oh, my god.

251
00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:24,162
Jameela: Don't go anywhere.

252
00:09:24,164 --> 00:09:25,964
When we come back,
someone is headed home

253
00:09:25,966 --> 00:09:28,900
And someone is moving on
for a shot at 30 grand.

254
00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:33,939
[ cheers and applause ]

255
00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:38,977
[ cheers and applause ]

256
00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:41,180
Hello, and welcome back
to "the misery index."

257
00:09:41,182 --> 00:09:44,115
It all comes down to
this one, miserable event

258
00:09:44,117 --> 00:09:47,519
To determine who is
the true master of misery

259
00:09:47,521 --> 00:09:50,655
Moving on to play for their shot
at the grand prize.

260
00:09:50,657 --> 00:09:55,260
Currently, rio has $1,500
and lamarr also has $1,500,

261
00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:56,395
So it's tight.

262
00:09:56,397 --> 00:09:58,530
Guys, I'm going to
show you both the same event,

263
00:09:58,532 --> 00:10:02,067
And your job is to tell us where
it lands on the misery index,

264
00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:04,503
And the closest guess
gets $2,000.

265
00:10:07,074 --> 00:10:09,074
Rio, how are you feeling?

266
00:10:09,076 --> 00:10:10,609
We're rocking and rolling
in the free world,

267
00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:12,011
So we're feeling good,
feeling confident.

268
00:10:12,013 --> 00:10:13,812
Calm, cool, and collected.

269
00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:15,547
Jameela: Okay, lamarr.
Yes?

270
00:10:15,549 --> 00:10:17,682
How are you doing?
Oh, I'm doing great.

271
00:10:17,684 --> 00:10:19,218
I got $1,500.

272
00:10:19,220 --> 00:10:21,553
Joe: Yeah.
That's right.

273
00:10:21,555 --> 00:10:23,555
That's right.
Living your best life.

274
00:10:23,557 --> 00:10:26,692
Alright,
let's get into the game.

275
00:10:26,694 --> 00:10:30,495
The most miserable breed
of human beings are celebrities,

276
00:10:30,497 --> 00:10:32,764
So we asked one to
come here and tell us

277
00:10:32,766 --> 00:10:34,699
A miserable tale of their own.

278
00:10:34,701 --> 00:10:36,235
You will know him from
his takedowns

279
00:10:36,237 --> 00:10:37,836
In and out of the ring,

280
00:10:37,838 --> 00:10:41,773
Holy--!
Please welcome aew
superstar jon moxley.

281
00:10:41,775 --> 00:10:46,245
What?
Oh, my god!

282
00:10:46,247 --> 00:10:49,380
John, you look thrilled
to be here. Hello, welcome.

283
00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:54,385
Well, I'm recounting
a most miserable moment,

284
00:10:54,387 --> 00:10:55,921
And it's kind of
put me in a mood,

285
00:10:55,923 --> 00:11:00,392
Because this, jameela,
is my tale of misery.

286
00:11:00,394 --> 00:11:01,526
Jameela: Okay.

287
00:11:01,528 --> 00:11:05,196
I have an english bulldog
whose name is blue,

288
00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:08,399
And he is a sociopath.

289
00:11:08,401 --> 00:11:10,469
One evening, we go outside

290
00:11:10,471 --> 00:11:12,537
So that blue
can relieve himself,

291
00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:16,541
And just as he is cutting off
the logs, so to speak,

292
00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:17,542
At this exact moment,

293
00:11:17,544 --> 00:11:20,479
The homeowner
returns from a jog,

294
00:11:20,481 --> 00:11:22,347
And at this exact moment,

295
00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:26,217
I also realize
I don't have any doggie bags.

296
00:11:26,219 --> 00:11:28,287
[ audience groans ]

297
00:11:28,289 --> 00:11:32,157
So I'm going for the fake
pick up, but she's not moving.

298
00:11:32,159 --> 00:11:33,558
She's got her eyes locked on me.

299
00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:35,760
Fake pick up is
not going to work here.

300
00:11:35,762 --> 00:11:36,895
So I did what I had to do

301
00:11:36,897 --> 00:11:42,167
To defend the reputation
of my family and my dog,

302
00:11:42,169 --> 00:11:46,505
And I reached down
with a bare hand...

303
00:11:46,507 --> 00:11:48,173
[ audience groans ]
and I grab this turd...

304
00:11:48,175 --> 00:11:50,109
Ooh! Oh!

305
00:11:50,111 --> 00:11:54,513
...Dispose of the waste,
wash my hands about 467 times,

306
00:11:54,515 --> 00:11:57,048
Cursing blue all the way,
and I realize

307
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,184
He got exactly what he wanted.

308
00:11:59,186 --> 00:12:01,720
[ laughter and applause ]

309
00:12:01,722 --> 00:12:03,455
It was all a plan.

310
00:12:03,457 --> 00:12:05,324
Well, thank you so much, john.

311
00:12:05,326 --> 00:12:06,458
Q: John, you're
the best!
And goodbye.

312
00:12:06,460 --> 00:12:08,794
Big fan, buddy!
Big fan!

313
00:12:08,796 --> 00:12:10,461
Thank you!

314
00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:13,799
So now, for $2,000,
talk it through and lock in

315
00:12:13,801 --> 00:12:17,136
Where you think "you have to
pick up dog shit barehanded"

316
00:12:17,138 --> 00:12:18,804
Lands on the misery index.

317
00:12:18,806 --> 00:12:20,339
Alright,
let's go.

318
00:12:20,341 --> 00:12:22,941
Okay, so, no physical harm...

319
00:12:22,943 --> 00:12:24,743
I thought it was a little higher
than that, 'cause of the...

320
00:12:24,745 --> 00:12:27,078
I always go lower, though.
You think high?

321
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,348
No physical harm.

322
00:12:29,350 --> 00:12:33,084
Okay, everyone. It's time
to lock in your scores.

323
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:34,153
Great.
We're locked in.

324
00:12:34,155 --> 00:12:36,955
Okay, lamarr and rio
are both locked in,

325
00:12:36,957 --> 00:12:39,491
So let's see who has
mastered the misery

326
00:12:39,493 --> 00:12:42,627
By being the closest
to the correct answer.

327
00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:47,298
Rio, you said it landed at a...

328
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:49,168
28.

329
00:12:49,170 --> 00:12:50,836
Whoa!
Whoa.

330
00:12:50,838 --> 00:12:51,903
Oh, no.

331
00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:56,908
And lamarr, you said
it landed at a...

332
00:12:56,910 --> 00:12:58,443
Oooh.

333
00:12:58,445 --> 00:12:59,978
No!
...26.

334
00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:02,447
27's a tie.
28 was our
first number, too.

335
00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:04,983
Let's see what our shrinks say.

336
00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:06,151
Lamarr:
This is something.

337
00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:10,989
Ohh, come on!
Here we go, here we go.

338
00:13:10,991 --> 00:13:14,593
Who is going on for
a shot at $30,000?

339
00:13:14,595 --> 00:13:16,461
We're about to find out now.

340
00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:20,065
This is so tight!

341
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:21,266
[ cheering ]

342
00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:24,335
44, that means rio,
you have won!

343
00:13:24,337 --> 00:13:27,472
[ applause ]

344
00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:29,140
Oh, it was so close.

345
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:30,475
Unfortunately, that means

346
00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:33,012
That we're going to
have to say goodbye to lamarr,

347
00:13:33,014 --> 00:13:35,346
But rio is moving on,
and we'll be playing for

348
00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:38,283
The $30,000 grand prize
right after this.

349
00:13:38,285 --> 00:13:39,885
Do not go anywhere.

350
00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:41,686
[ cheers and applause ]

351
00:13:41,688 --> 00:13:47,192
♪♪

352
00:13:50,231 --> 00:13:52,898
Hello, and welcome back to
"the misery index."

353
00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:56,101
Rio has chosen q to assist her
in the grand prize final round

354
00:13:56,103 --> 00:13:59,771
For the $30,000
margin of misery.

355
00:13:59,773 --> 00:14:01,240
[ thunder cracks ]

356
00:14:01,242 --> 00:14:04,509
So, rio, if you win, what are
you planning to spend it on?

357
00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:07,046
My mother has always wanted
to go to paris,

358
00:14:07,048 --> 00:14:09,114
So I would love to bring her.

359
00:14:09,116 --> 00:14:10,649
I would like to show her
the eiffel tower,

360
00:14:10,651 --> 00:14:13,184
And she has
a julia child impersonation

361
00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:15,720
That I want every
french person to hear.

362
00:14:15,722 --> 00:14:17,256
Can you do it for us now?

363
00:14:17,258 --> 00:14:21,393
[ as julia child ] I'm the
french chef, julia child.

364
00:14:21,395 --> 00:14:22,727
Spot on.

365
00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:25,464
Oh, the french are going
to love it when you do that.

366
00:14:25,466 --> 00:14:26,665
She's the best.

367
00:14:26,667 --> 00:14:27,933
Okay, well, rio,

368
00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:29,534
I'm gonna show you
three terrible events

369
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,603
Worth $5,000, $10,000,
and $15,000,

370
00:14:31,605 --> 00:14:34,405
And after each one, you just
have to place a range finder

371
00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:36,541
Where you think it lands
on the misery index.

372
00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:38,076
And remember,
as the money gets bigger,

373
00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:40,545
The range finder gets smaller.

374
00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:41,680
You ready to play?

375
00:14:41,682 --> 00:14:44,215
Never been
more ready.

376
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:47,218
Let's get miserable.

377
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:51,623
Thank you!

378
00:14:51,625 --> 00:14:54,159
So this first event
is for $5,000,

379
00:14:54,161 --> 00:14:55,761
And it has a range of 30 points.

380
00:14:55,763 --> 00:14:57,963
Please take a look.

381
00:14:57,965 --> 00:14:59,164
[ baby crying ]

382
00:14:59,166 --> 00:15:02,167
So we have a baby,
not loving the baptism.

383
00:15:02,169 --> 00:15:04,169
Now there's a much worse time.

384
00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:06,838
[ audience groans ]

385
00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:10,175
The priest looks like he
just threw an interception.

386
00:15:10,177 --> 00:15:13,779
Your instincts
are phenomenal.

387
00:15:13,781 --> 00:15:17,316
You bucked me and murray
and got us here.

388
00:15:17,318 --> 00:15:18,984
You're doing incredible,
so I want to ask you,

389
00:15:18,986 --> 00:15:20,585
Where do you think
that that sits?

390
00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:22,453
A priest
drops your baby.

391
00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:25,524
There's no physical pain
for you.
No.

392
00:15:25,526 --> 00:15:28,459
I mean, maybe a little bit
of your heart.

393
00:15:28,461 --> 00:15:31,330
Psychological impact,
I think not so much, right?

394
00:15:31,332 --> 00:15:33,332
Maybe you're going to hate the
church a little bit afterwards.

395
00:15:33,334 --> 00:15:35,200
You're responsible a little,
though. That's your kid.

396
00:15:35,202 --> 00:15:37,602
Yeah, there's
a lot of emotional.
Yeah.

397
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:40,939
I'm thinking it's gonna be
in, like, the 30s to 50s.

398
00:15:40,941 --> 00:15:42,808
People are sensitive
about children, maybe.

399
00:15:42,810 --> 00:15:45,476
Well, then I have
good news for you.
Yes?

400
00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:49,148
Because if we start at 30,
we cover all the way up to 60.

401
00:15:49,150 --> 00:15:50,682
Hey, hey, hey, hey.

402
00:15:50,684 --> 00:15:53,618
Oh, my god. You're right.
I did the thing.
Are you kidding me?

403
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:55,821
Have you never
seen this show?

404
00:15:55,823 --> 00:15:58,490
You've seen how crazy I go
when people touch my machines.

405
00:15:58,492 --> 00:16:00,625
Please berate me.
I'm so sorry.

406
00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:02,561
Okay, so, rio,
within a range of 30,

407
00:16:02,563 --> 00:16:04,830
Where does
"a priest drops your baby"

408
00:16:04,832 --> 00:16:06,231
Land on the misery index?

409
00:16:06,233 --> 00:16:08,299
Your time starts...

410
00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:09,100
Now.

411
00:16:09,102 --> 00:16:11,370
[ shouts from crowd ]

412
00:16:13,507 --> 00:16:16,307
Jameela: 5...4...3...

413
00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:17,642
2...1...

414
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:20,179
I think you got it.
Don't listen to them.

415
00:16:20,181 --> 00:16:22,914
You have shown that you have
got great instincts

416
00:16:22,916 --> 00:16:24,649
So far in this show,
so we're all with you.

417
00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:27,652
For $5,000, let's see where
this lands. Good luck.

418
00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:29,788
Come on, now.
Come on, bud.

419
00:16:29,790 --> 00:16:31,390
Come on, the priest could have
done a lot worse to that baby.

420
00:16:31,392 --> 00:16:36,327
Alright. [ laughs ] "done
a lot worse to that baby."

421
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:38,864
Okay, stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop!

422
00:16:38,866 --> 00:16:41,200
[ cheering ]

423
00:16:41,202 --> 00:16:43,334
What did we talk about?
What did we talk about?

424
00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:45,670
You said "you're gonna
[bleep] crush it."
huh?

425
00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:48,339
You have just
banked yourself $5,000.

426
00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:49,875
One step closer.

427
00:16:49,877 --> 00:16:51,142
Yeah!

428
00:16:51,144 --> 00:16:52,744
Rio! Good job.
Thank you!

429
00:16:52,746 --> 00:16:55,747
This next event is
worth $10,000 this time,

430
00:16:55,749 --> 00:16:57,549
And gonna have a range
of only 20 points,

431
00:16:57,551 --> 00:16:59,951
So take a look at this.

432
00:16:59,953 --> 00:17:01,352
She's singing.

433
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:02,353
[ woman sings ]

434
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:06,091
[ gasps ]
oh, my god.

435
00:17:06,093 --> 00:17:08,894
That's worse than finding
tongues in your house.

436
00:17:08,896 --> 00:17:11,763
That was her mother's leg
that came out.

437
00:17:11,765 --> 00:17:13,164
Basically, she had fallen
through the ceiling.

438
00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:15,834
Really just anything to get her
to shut the [bleep] up, but...

439
00:17:15,836 --> 00:17:18,036
Wow. Oh, man,
I didn't expect that,

440
00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:19,304
So give me a second
to adjust.

441
00:17:19,306 --> 00:17:21,040
Yeah. Hmm.
[ sighs ]

442
00:17:21,042 --> 00:17:22,507
Okay. Okay.

443
00:17:22,509 --> 00:17:23,909
Let's say what we're thinking
at the same time.

444
00:17:23,911 --> 00:17:24,776
On three, ready?
Okay.

445
00:17:24,778 --> 00:17:27,246
1, 2, 3 --
38.
23.

446
00:17:27,248 --> 00:17:28,513
23. I said 38?

447
00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:29,714
Joe: Wow.

448
00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:31,316
I'm sure we can
cover both of those.

449
00:17:31,318 --> 00:17:32,651
We could go
20 to 40,

450
00:17:32,653 --> 00:17:34,920
We could.
We could.
And it would cover
all of that.

451
00:17:34,922 --> 00:17:38,189
So she's in
no physical pain.
Correct.

452
00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:41,260
She's embarrassed,
sure,

453
00:17:41,262 --> 00:17:43,862
But long-time
psychological trauma?

454
00:17:43,864 --> 00:17:45,063
This is her dream,
though.

455
00:17:45,065 --> 00:17:46,998
She's auditioning.
It's her dream.

456
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:48,399
You heard that audition,
murr.

457
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:51,202
She wasn't
getting it anyway.

458
00:17:51,204 --> 00:17:53,071
I think it's
gonna go lower.
I agree.

459
00:17:53,073 --> 00:17:54,539
I'm ready to touch it,
with your permission.

460
00:17:54,541 --> 00:17:56,341
Okay, well,
within a range of 20,

461
00:17:56,343 --> 00:17:58,877
Where does "your mother
ruins your audition"

462
00:17:58,879 --> 00:18:00,545
Land on the index?

463
00:18:00,547 --> 00:18:03,282
Your ten seconds starts...

464
00:18:03,284 --> 00:18:04,816
Now.

465
00:18:04,818 --> 00:18:06,085
[ crowd shouting ]

466
00:18:08,088 --> 00:18:10,289
5...4...3...

467
00:18:10,291 --> 00:18:11,690
Ooh, okay.

468
00:18:11,692 --> 00:18:13,692
There you go.
I'm glad you went
with your instincts.

469
00:18:13,694 --> 00:18:17,028
Okay, so you're locked in
between 23 and 43.

470
00:18:17,030 --> 00:18:18,964
You got this, bud.
This is for $10,000.

471
00:18:18,966 --> 00:18:21,766
Let's see where our shrinks
rated it on the misery index.

472
00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:23,768
Murr: Here we go, rio.

473
00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:25,904
Audience: Ooh...
Come on.

474
00:18:25,906 --> 00:18:27,839
Keep it low. Keep it low.
Keep it low.

475
00:18:27,841 --> 00:18:30,041
Stop moving
that quickly!

476
00:18:30,043 --> 00:18:31,110
[ cheering ]

477
00:18:31,112 --> 00:18:33,178
Yes! Again, right in the middle.

478
00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:35,447
We did it again!
We did it again.

479
00:18:35,449 --> 00:18:37,182
Oh, wow!

480
00:18:37,184 --> 00:18:38,183
That is correct.

481
00:18:38,185 --> 00:18:40,385
You just banked yourself
$10,000.

482
00:18:40,387 --> 00:18:42,788
You are so much closer to
pissing off parisians.

483
00:18:42,790 --> 00:18:43,989
This is so exciting.

484
00:18:43,991 --> 00:18:45,256
Here we go.

485
00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:48,727
Our final misery is worth
$15,000 this time,

486
00:18:48,729 --> 00:18:51,596
And you're gonna have to get
it within a range of only ten.

487
00:18:51,598 --> 00:18:52,664
Right.

488
00:18:52,666 --> 00:18:53,999
But please take a look at this.

489
00:18:54,001 --> 00:18:58,603
"hospital removes wrong
testicle, angry patient sues

490
00:18:58,605 --> 00:19:01,606
After surgeons
are unable to reattach."

491
00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:03,142
Okay, I'm telling you,
my feeling is this --

492
00:19:03,144 --> 00:19:04,343
They can't
reattach the ball.

493
00:19:04,345 --> 00:19:06,011
So they still have to
cut off the bad ball,

494
00:19:06,013 --> 00:19:07,879
Which means you've
got no balls.
Right.

495
00:19:07,881 --> 00:19:10,281
Okay, for me,
that's 110.

496
00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:11,683
Yes.
Okay?

497
00:19:11,685 --> 00:19:14,953
For myself, if it was me,
I would do 90 to 100.

498
00:19:14,955 --> 00:19:19,158
I might be biased by my extreme
fear of this ever happening.

499
00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:20,759
Okay, well,
within a range of ten,

500
00:19:20,761 --> 00:19:22,828
Where does "your doctor
removes the wrong nut"

501
00:19:22,830 --> 00:19:24,963
Land on the misery index?

502
00:19:24,965 --> 00:19:27,032
Your ten seconds starts...

503
00:19:27,034 --> 00:19:28,033
Now.

504
00:19:28,035 --> 00:19:31,503
This is for $15,000.

505
00:19:31,505 --> 00:19:33,172
Maybe not 99, 98,

506
00:19:33,174 --> 00:19:34,773
But I would definitely
dip into those 90s.

507
00:19:34,775 --> 00:19:38,377
5...4...3...

508
00:19:38,379 --> 00:19:41,380
2...1.

509
00:19:41,382 --> 00:19:42,714
She's got to
have it.

510
00:19:42,716 --> 00:19:45,517
Okay, well, look, so far,
you have played a perfect game.

511
00:19:45,519 --> 00:19:47,052
Everyone is with you.

512
00:19:47,054 --> 00:19:51,122
You are locked in between
86 and 96.

513
00:19:51,124 --> 00:19:52,257
Come on, testicles.

514
00:19:52,259 --> 00:19:54,325
Rio, we wish you
the best of luck.

515
00:19:54,327 --> 00:19:55,260
Thank you.

516
00:19:55,262 --> 00:19:57,662
So, for $15,000,
let's see where

517
00:19:57,664 --> 00:19:59,464
"your doctor
removes the wrong nut"

518
00:19:59,466 --> 00:20:01,600
Lands on the misery index.

519
00:20:01,602 --> 00:20:03,134
What did our shrinks say?

520
00:20:03,136 --> 00:20:05,537
Come on, nuts.
Come on, nuts.

521
00:20:05,539 --> 00:20:06,872
What are you, nuts,
traumatron?

522
00:20:06,874 --> 00:20:09,474
Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go!

523
00:20:09,476 --> 00:20:10,876
Come on. Come on!

524
00:20:10,878 --> 00:20:13,545
Get that card up!
Get that card up!

525
00:20:13,547 --> 00:20:14,679
Alright, stop it!

526
00:20:14,681 --> 00:20:16,215
[ cheering ]

527
00:20:20,221 --> 00:20:23,288
[ cheers and applause ]

528
00:20:23,290 --> 00:20:26,958
Perfect game!

529
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:29,695
Oh, my goodness.
Congratulations!

530
00:20:29,697 --> 00:20:30,762
That is correct.

531
00:20:30,764 --> 00:20:34,766
You are going home
with $33,500.

532
00:20:34,768 --> 00:20:36,768
[ cheers and applause ]

533
00:20:36,770 --> 00:20:38,570
That'll do it for
"the misery index."

534
00:20:38,572 --> 00:20:39,638
I'm jameela jamil,

535
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:41,040
And from me
and the tenderloins

536
00:20:41,042 --> 00:20:44,309
And our perfect game,
rio, good night!

537
00:20:44,311 --> 00:20:46,978
[ cheers and applause ]

538
00:20:46,980 --> 00:20:52,918
♪♪

539
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:58,991
♪♪