Welcome to "the misery index," where misery loves company.
-Yeah! Yeah! -Yeah!
Jameela: We have scoured the globe
For the world's most miserable true stories,
Then asked a panel of respected psychologists
To rate those stories based on three pillars of misery --
Physical pain, emotional trauma,
And long-term psychological impact.
The higher the combined misery,
The higher it lands on our misery index.
What is going on? What is going on?
Our two contestants must try and decide
How those events were rated for a chance at our grand prize
Of $30,000.
You're about to win some money!
So, let's get miserable.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Hello, I'm jameela jamil and welcome to "the misery index."
Tonight, we have two very miserable contestants,
Rio ippoliti, who once accidentally ate mouse poop,
And lamarr todd,
Who was once the victim of an std smear campaigns.
It's very miserable.
And now, from trutv's hit "impractical jokers,"
Please give it up for the tenderloins,
Sal, joe, q, and murr!
[ cheers and applause ]
Here we go! Misery index!
We're teammates. We're gonna freakin' win.
Wow. So good to see you.
So good to see you and everyone here.
Hello. Hello, everyone.
So, rio, you ate shit.
Yeah. [ laughs ]
I was cleaning my bedroom
And I saw a little piece of candy on the floor
And I said, "ooh, a little treat for me."
So I pick it up, I swish it around my mouth,
And I go, "that is not candy. That is mouse poop."
And lamarr, what happened? Who smeared you?
My freshman year in college, I thought, like, I was a player.
Somebody decided to start a smear campaign against me
Saying "lamarr todd has crabs,"
And they posted it all over campus
And they started calling me from there on, mr. Krabs.
Doing this. Who did this to you?
The mystery remains unsolved.
Oh.
Please behold the keeper of all things miserable --
It is the traumatron.
Ohh.
The name of our first game is "misery lane,"
I'm gonna put two misery markers on the index
And the first one is --
You are still a virgin at 75,
Which our shrinks rated at a 67.
And the second one is --
Your plus-one to a wedding hijacks the mic.
I've done that. Have you?
100%. Done it. What happened?
Because I wasn't having fun at the wedding
And it was kind of boring, so I thought I'd jazz it up.
Okay, well, look, our shrinks rate it at 36.
I'm going to show each of you an event.
You don't have to tell me the exact number,
Just if it falls above, below or in between the two cards
That you see on the index.
Rio, you get to go first.
Okay.
[ cheering ]
Jameela: So that's a bungee jump.
Joe: Yeah. Murr: Okay.
Pretty attached. Seems okay.
That broke.
[ audience groans ]
[bleep].
You never hear of bungee jumping going wrong.
This is a tricky one, rio,
Because virgin is 75.
You've gone your life without the embrace of another.
Murr, this is the embrace of another, to you?
Listen, he's speaking from experience.
Listen to the man.
But on the other hand,
You don't die from from being a virgin.
The bungee cord snapping,
There is a lot of physical pain in there.
Definitely a lot of trauma.
You're already trying to do a near-death experience,
And now you made it almost the full way.
And psychological impact --
That's going to haunt you in your dreams.
I'm going higher. Yeah.
Okay, you're saying it is above.
Let's see what our shrinks say.
Murr: Ohh.
Watch this. Watch this. Watch this.
I mean, it's coming back. Come on. Come on.
It's coming back. Oh, there it is.
Come oh. Come on. Murr: Ohhh!
Go, go! Come on, get that card up!
[ cheering ]
Rio, you are correct.
You just banked yourself $500.
[ cheering ]
Okay, mr. Krabs, you're up.
You and your team need to check out this misery now,
Okay, so she's just setting up her bed.
Everything looks good.
Rv? And...
[ audience groans ] oh, sad.
Lamarr: Oh, wow. Okay.
Being closed up in a mattress --
You know, it's unfortunate,
But really, at the end of the day,
You just gonna peel that back,
And you're gonna continue what you're doing.
I think you'd be mortified in front of this crowd of people,
So that would be way more mortifying to me.
I think just getting caught up in a bed
Would be under these two.
That's what I think. I concur.
I think it's an easy one.
What, you put on a blazer, and now you say "I concur?"
I concur as well. It's below. Great.
Jameela: He concurs that it is below.
Okay, let's see what our shrinks say.
Let's get lamarr some money now.
It's got to be.
Come on, come on, come on! Come on!
Come on, man! I need that money!
[ cheering ]
Jameela: And we have a game.
Coming up, the money doubles, but so does the misery.
And later, one of these contestants
Will get a shot at $30,000.
[ cheers and applause ]
Hello, and welcome back to "the misery index."
So rio has $500 and lamarr also has $500,
But there is lots more humiliation to explore
Before one of them plays for $30,000.
Sal: Alright. Yeah.
Lamarr, this time you get to go first.
I'm going to show you two deeply traumatic events,
And you just have to tell me
Which is worse, according to our shrinks.
Are you ready? Ready.
Okay, tell me which one of these animal encounters
Lands higher on the misery index.
"naked sunbather chases wild boar through park
After it steals his laptop."
Tell me if this is more miserable --
"thinking it was for pets,
Woman accidentally takes dog to a 'furry' convention."
Everybody's thinking, "that's a really good costume."
Exactly. When it's furries after dark,
Do they take off the costumes?
Q, you know about these events. You tell us what happens there.
Oh, I love them, man.
The whole point is the costume. Sal: Yeah.
So you never want to take it off
Until the last possible moment.
Oh, so you do take it off, though.
You don't just have a -- like a --
Flap. Yeah, like a flap?
Oh, no, there were flaps.
Show me where your flap is, q.
Oh, my flap? Yeah.
Oh, yeah. That's right about here.
Yeahhh. Right there.
He likes it when his thigh gets rubbed on.
So, lamarr, for $1,000,
You need to decide with your team
Which is more miserable.
Joe: I don't see anything all that damaging
With bringing the dogs to the furry convention.
It doesn't really hit on any of the pillars, to me.
Maybe some slight embarrassment.
Definitely think the boar thing is more intense.
Okay, so you are saying that a wild boar
Stealing your laptop is worse?
Yes.
Jameela: Okay, well, let's first see where
Our shrinks put the other choice.
Good luck.
28.
That's good for us.
Let's see if you guys are right.
Great. Here we go.
Here we go. Here we go. Here we go, lamarr.
Drop it like it's hot, right now. Boom.
[ cheers and applause ]
You've just won $1,000. Well done.
Rio, you're up.
So, for $1,000, tell me which one of these
Tongue twisters ranks higher on the misery index.
A home security system called a man on camera
Licking a doorbell in salinas.
Police say roberto daniel arroyo spent three hours
Licking and poking around the yard. Three hours?
The homeowners, they were out, but their kids were home,
And they didn't hear anything.
Three hours.
The man's a champion. He's a feminist.
So you have to imagine, like,
You've got an alert on your phone or on your intercom,
You look through, and you see this go on for three hours.
And the way he keeps making eye contact
Q: Yes. With the camera.
I mean, he knows exactly what he's doing.
Okay, so, rio, alternatively, is this more miserable?
"jars of preserved human tongues found in florida homes."
Some of these jars date back to the 1960s.
I think this is an easy one. Rio: Yes.
I think the person violating your home
With your children inside and licking your doorbell,
I think that's definitely worse
Than finding old tongues in your house.
So I'm thinking someone licking your doorbell,
Horribly violating,
Terrifying for the house, but there's no physical injury,
No psychological impacts down the road.
It was just a weird thing that happened once.
Maybe some emotional trauma for the doorbell,
But for the human tongues in your house, you might think,
"maybe there's a murderer living in my basement."
This is severe psychological trauma.
I still agree with murray,
Because that is an active, ongoing threat.
Like, you never know when that's gonna happen again.
Tongues, they've been here since the '60s,
They never hurt me once.
So, rio, which one do you think is more miserable?
My gut and my tongue both say tongues is worse.
Okay. Alright. Okay.
So rio has said that finding
Human tongues in your house is worse.
Let's first see where our shrinks put the other choice.
Good luck, rio.
41. Okay, that's beatable.
That's beatable.
Now, let's see if your choice is correct.
This is for $1,000.
Come on, tongues. Come on, tongues.
Give me a 42 on the tongues.
Boom!
[ cheering ]
Oh, my god.
Jameela: Don't go anywhere.
When we come back, someone is headed home
And someone is moving on for a shot at 30 grand.
[ cheers and applause ]
Hello, and welcome back to "the misery index."
It all comes down to this one, miserable event
To determine who is the true master of misery
Moving on to play for their shot at the grand prize.
Currently, rio has $1,500 and lamarr also has $1,500,
So it's tight.
Guys, I'm going to show you both the same event,
And your job is to tell us where it lands on the misery index,
And the closest guess gets $2,000.
Rio, how are you feeling?
We're rocking and rolling in the free world,
So we're feeling good, feeling confident.
Calm, cool, and collected.
Jameela: Okay, lamarr. Yes?
How are you doing? Oh, I'm doing great.
I got $1,500.
Joe: Yeah. That's right.
Living your best life.
Alright, let's get into the game.
The most miserable breed of human beings are celebrities,
So we asked one to come here and tell us
A miserable tale of their own.
You will know him from his takedowns
In and out of the ring,
Holy--! Please welcome aew superstar jon moxley.
What? Oh, my god!
John, you look thrilled to be here. Hello, welcome.
Well, I'm recounting a most miserable moment,
And it's kind of put me in a mood,
Because this, jameela, is my tale of misery.
Jameela: Okay.
I have an english bulldog whose name is blue,
And he is a sociopath.
One evening, we go outside
So that blue can relieve himself,
And just as he is cutting off the logs, so to speak,
At this exact moment,
The homeowner returns from a jog,
And at this exact moment,
I also realize I don't have any doggie bags.
[ audience groans ]
So I'm going for the fake pick up, but she's not moving.
She's got her eyes locked on me.
Fake pick up is not going to work here.
So I did what I had to do
To defend the reputation of my family and my dog,
And I reached down with a bare hand...
[ audience groans ] and I grab this turd...
Ooh! Oh!
...Dispose of the waste, wash my hands about 467 times,
Cursing blue all the way, and I realize
He got exactly what he wanted.
[ laughter and applause ]
It was all a plan.
Well, thank you so much, john.
Q: John, you're the best! And goodbye.
Big fan, buddy! Big fan!
Thank you!
So now, for $2,000, talk it through and lock in
Where you think "you have to pick up dog shit barehanded"
Lands on the misery index.
Alright, let's go.
Okay, so, no physical harm...
I thought it was a little higher than that, 'cause of the...
I always go lower, though. You think high?
No physical harm.
Okay, everyone. It's time to lock in your scores.
Great. We're locked in.
Okay, lamarr and rio are both locked in,
So let's see who has mastered the misery
By being the closest to the correct answer.
Rio, you said it landed at a...
28.
Whoa! Whoa.
Oh, no.
And lamarr, you said it landed at a...
Oooh.
No! ...26.
27's a tie. 28 was our first number, too.
Let's see what our shrinks say.
Lamarr: This is something.
Ohh, come on! Here we go, here we go.
Who is going on for a shot at $30,000?
We're about to find out now.
This is so tight!
[ cheering ]
44, that means rio, you have won!
[ applause ]
Oh, it was so close.
Unfortunately, that means
That we're going to have to say goodbye to lamarr,
But rio is moving on, and we'll be playing for
The $30,000 grand prize right after this.
Do not go anywhere.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Hello, and welcome back to "the misery index."
Rio has chosen q to assist her in the grand prize final round
For the $30,000 margin of misery.
[ thunder cracks ]
So, rio, if you win, what are you planning to spend it on?
My mother has always wanted to go to paris,
So I would love to bring her.
I would like to show her the eiffel tower,
And she has a julia child impersonation
That I want every french person to hear.
Can you do it for us now?
[ as julia child ] I'm the french chef, julia child.
Spot on.
Oh, the french are going to love it when you do that.
She's the best.
Okay, well, rio,
I'm gonna show you three terrible events
Worth $5,000, $10,000, and $15,000,
And after each one, you just have to place a range finder
Where you think it lands on the misery index.
And remember, as the money gets bigger,
The range finder gets smaller.
You ready to play?
Never been more ready.
Let's get miserable.
Thank you!
So this first event is for $5,000,
And it has a range of 30 points.
Please take a look.
[ baby crying ]
So we have a baby, not loving the baptism.
Now there's a much worse time.
[ audience groans ]
The priest looks like he just threw an interception.
Your instincts are phenomenal.
You bucked me and murray and got us here.
You're doing incredible, so I want to ask you,
Where do you think that that sits?
A priest drops your baby.
There's no physical pain for you. No.
I mean, maybe a little bit of your heart.
Psychological impact, I think not so much, right?
Maybe you're going to hate the church a little bit afterwards.
You're responsible a little, though. That's your kid.
Yeah, there's a lot of emotional. Yeah.
I'm thinking it's gonna be in, like, the 30s to 50s.
People are sensitive about children, maybe.
Well, then I have good news for you. Yes?
Because if we start at 30, we cover all the way up to 60.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Oh, my god. You're right. I did the thing. Are you kidding me?
Have you never seen this show?
You've seen how crazy I go when people touch my machines.
Please berate me. I'm so sorry.
Okay, so, rio, within a range of 30,
Where does "a priest drops your baby"
Land on the misery index?
Your time starts...
Now.
[ shouts from crowd ]
Jameela: 5...4...3...
2...1...
I think you got it. Don't listen to them.
You have shown that you have got great instincts
So far in this show, so we're all with you.
For $5,000, let's see where this lands. Good luck.
Come on, now. Come on, bud.
Come on, the priest could have done a lot worse to that baby.
Alright. [ laughs ] "done a lot worse to that baby."
Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!
[ cheering ]
What did we talk about? What did we talk about?
You said "you're gonna [bleep] crush it." huh?
You have just banked yourself $5,000.
One step closer.
Yeah!
Rio! Good job. Thank you!
This next event is worth $10,000 this time,
And gonna have a range of only 20 points,
So take a look at this.
She's singing.
[ woman sings ]
[ gasps ] oh, my god.
That's worse than finding tongues in your house.
That was her mother's leg that came out.
Basically, she had fallen through the ceiling.
Really just anything to get her to shut the [bleep] up, but...
Wow. Oh, man, I didn't expect that,
So give me a second to adjust.
Yeah. Hmm. [ sighs ]
Okay. Okay.
Let's say what we're thinking at the same time.
On three, ready? Okay.
1, 2, 3 -- 38. 23.
23. I said 38?
Joe: Wow.
I'm sure we can cover both of those.
We could go 20 to 40,
We could. We could. And it would cover all of that.
So she's in no physical pain. Correct.
She's embarrassed, sure,
But long-time psychological trauma?
This is her dream, though.
She's auditioning. It's her dream.
You heard that audition, murr.
She wasn't getting it anyway.
I think it's gonna go lower. I agree.
I'm ready to touch it, with your permission.
Okay, well, within a range of 20,
Where does "your mother ruins your audition"
Land on the index?
Your ten seconds starts...
Now.
[ crowd shouting ]
5...4...3...
Ooh, okay.
There you go. I'm glad you went with your instincts.
Okay, so you're locked in between 23 and 43.
You got this, bud. This is for $10,000.
Let's see where our shrinks rated it on the misery index.
Murr: Here we go, rio.
Audience: Ooh... Come on.
Keep it low. Keep it low. Keep it low.
Stop moving that quickly!
[ cheering ]
Yes! Again, right in the middle.
We did it again! We did it again.
Oh, wow!
That is correct.
You just banked yourself $10,000.
You are so much closer to pissing off parisians.
This is so exciting.
Here we go.
Our final misery is worth $15,000 this time,
And you're gonna have to get it within a range of only ten.
Right.
But please take a look at this.
"hospital removes wrong testicle, angry patient sues
After surgeons are unable to reattach."
Okay, I'm telling you, my feeling is this --
They can't reattach the ball.
So they still have to cut off the bad ball,
Which means you've got no balls. Right.
Okay, for me, that's 110.
Yes. Okay?
For myself, if it was me, I would do 90 to 100.
I might be biased by my extreme fear of this ever happening.
Okay, well, within a range of ten,
Where does "your doctor removes the wrong nut"
Land on the misery index?
Your ten seconds starts...
Now.
This is for $15,000.
Maybe not 99, 98,
But I would definitely dip into those 90s.
5...4...3...
2...1.
She's got to have it.
Okay, well, look, so far, you have played a perfect game.
Everyone is with you.
You are locked in between 86 and 96.
Come on, testicles.
Rio, we wish you the best of luck.
Thank you.
So, for $15,000, let's see where
"your doctor removes the wrong nut"
Lands on the misery index.
What did our shrinks say?
Come on, nuts. Come on, nuts.
What are you, nuts, traumatron?
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Come on. Come on!
Get that card up! Get that card up!
Alright, stop it!
[ cheering ]
[ cheers and applause ]
Perfect game!
Oh, my goodness. Congratulations!
That is correct.
You are going home with $33,500.
[ cheers and applause ]
That'll do it for "the misery index."
I'm jameela jamil,
And from me and the tenderloins
And our perfect game, rio, good night!
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪