Welcome to "the misery index," where misery loves company.
-Yeah! Yeah! -Yeah!
Jameela: We have scoured the globe
For the world's most miserable true stories,
Then asked a panel of respected psychologists
To rate those stories based on three pillars of misery --
Physical pain, emotional trauma,
And long-term psychological impact.
The higher the combined misery,
The higher it lands on our misery index.
What is going on? What is going on?
Our two contestants must try and decide
How those events were rated for a chance at our grand prize
Of $30,000.
You're about to win some money!
So, let's get miserable.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Hello. I am jameela jamil,
And welcome to "the misery index."
Tonight, we have two very miserable contestants --
Mark mira, whose penis once itched for two weeks straight...
[ audience groans ]
...And leanna finley,
Who once went to the er after popping and locking.
And now, from trutv's hit "impractical jokers,"
Give it up for the tenderloins --
Sal, joe, q, and murr.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
-Yeah! Yeah!
-Yeah! -Yeah!
We're ready. We're ready.
Oh, we're fired up today 'cause it's "the misery index,"
And we're about to win some money!
[ cheers and applause ] [ imitating air horn ]
Jameela: Okay, let's just start with mark.
Your penis, what happened, man?
[ laughter ]
I was weed-whacking, and --
-Oh! -Sure.
I was trimming the lawn and I hit a patch of poison ivy
And a bunch of oil splattered all over me,
And within like two hours, my weenie had, like, swelled up
To the size of a two-liter soda.
I got a question.
Does anybody here believe that bullshit story?
You were weed-whacking, not naked, and somehow,
You got poison ivy on your junk,
Or were you weed-whacking and then whacking?
That seems way more likely to me.
I don't know what you're selling, you dirty pervert,
But I ain't buying it.
Jameela: Well, good thing he's not on your team.
That's right. You're going down. Let's get to know leanna.
-We got leanna! -We got the winner over here.
[ cheers and applause ]
We are not allowed to ask leanna about her [bleep]-whacking.
[ laughs ]
Tell us about your pop-and-lock bullshit.
So, I was watching music videos with my friends back in the day,
A few years ago, so I hit the pop, lock, and drop it.
Third drop, couldn't get back up.
They had to take me to the er.
Turns out, I pulled my thigh muscle.
Ooh. [ audience groans ]
Okay, guys, behold the keeper of all things miserable.
It is the traumatron.
[ cheers and applause ]
The name of our first game is misery lane.
I'm gonna put two misery markers on the index,
And the first one is your ex has a podcast about you,
Which our shrinks rated at a 50.
And the second one is
Your new psychiatrist keeps saying, "yikes."
[ laughter ]
Which our shrinks rated at a 35. Yeah.
Okay, so, guys, I'm gonna show you each an event,
And you don't have to tell me the exact number,
Just if it falls above, below,
Or in between the two cards that are on the index.
Mark, you get to go first. Perfect.
Check out this misery.
-Or is it moving closer... -Oh.
-Nope. -No. Don't watch.
-I cannot. I will not. -Okay.
Guys, I'm sure everything's gonna be fine, guys.
-Something's gonna -- -oh, what is it?
Something's drowning, and it's gonna come out.
You're not gonna be able to unsee this.
You're not going to be able to unsee this.
Murr: No, no, no, no, no, no.
-[ groans ] -aah!
Woman: It's okay. Oh, there it goes.
[ audience groans ]
-What is it? -A June bug.
-Are you kidding me? -A June bug.
-A June bug. Oh, man. -A June bug.
You start. What is your instinct?
It's pretty uncomfortable.
I think it's more of the emotional trauma
Of having that living in your head. Sure. Think about it this way --
Every time you have a scratch in your ear,
You're gonna think you have another June bug in there, right?
But it's definitely not as bad as the podcast about you,
Because that has long-term privacy effects
On your life, right?
It's not as bad. -Really?
-Yeah. -I was thinking it's worse.
I agree. I mean, think about every time your ear itches.
Like, you'd just think, "oh, there's something living in me."
-Yeah, yeah. -So, I would not want that.
I'd go higher, too. I'm with you.
I'm gonna say "you have a bug living in your ear"
Lands above both of them. -Okay.
Jameela: Okay, you have said it's above.
Let's see what our shrinks say. Good luck.
-It's the truth. -Yeah.
-Oh, no. I'm with ya. -Come on.
-Got to happen.
[ speaks indistinctly ]
[ cheers and applause ] jameela: Congratulations!
You are correct, and you just earned yourself $500.
Leanna... -Yes.
...You and your team need to now check out this misery.
Good luck.
Woman: This is flossie dickey, and check it out, folks,
We got her very own "good day, spokane" coffee mug.
She is enjoying some coffee this morning because flossie,
You say you're a little tired this morning, is that right?
Uh, yeah, I'm tired.
Later today, flossie's family is gonna be coming out here
To throw you a big birthday party.
Are you excited for your party?
Not one bit.
[ laughter and applause ]
How cool is it that she gets to burst into every room
And go, "how you doing? Flossie dickey."
It's better than "toothbrush [bleep]"
[ laughter ] joe: Hey, he's a good guy.
So, leanna, you're imagining it from the point of view
Of having to live to be 110.
Like, you've seen the thousand-yard stare in her eyes.
Here's what I think.
I think that she's in a constant state of misery
And I think those other things
Aren't even as constant as her dying days.
Right, but your ex, depending on the ex,
Doing a podcast about you lives forever in your life.
That's horrible. I don't want that out there. True.
A new psychiatrist keeps saying, "yikes"?
I don't like that, either, man. What do you think, leanna?
I think that she is actually going to be
In between, actually. Okay.
I see it, I see it.
Okay, let's see what our shrinks say.
Put it right there. That's fine. Just pop, lock, and drop it right there.
Pop, lock, and drop. [ laughs ]
Right there, right there, right there.
-It's gonna come back. -Oh, go back.
[ cheers and applause ]
Jameela: You are correct.
You have just banked yourself $500.
Well done. Yeah, she did.
And it's round 2.
The name of our next game is more or less miserable.
So, leanna, this time, you get to go first.
I'm gonna show you two deeply traumatic events,
And you just have to tell me which is worse
According to our shrinks. -Okay.
For $1,000, please tell me which one of these unhappy couplings
Lands higher on the misery index.
Is it this?
"drunk man pleads guilty after he's caught
Trying to 'have sex' with a pile of leaves."
Mark, is that you?
[ laughter ]
Mine was accidental.
You're not alone in life, bud. You're not alone in life.
[ laughter ]
There's a love triangle between these two and some poison ivy.
[ laughter ]
He was allegedly drunk and high.
[ laughter ]
Or is this more miserable?
"husband creates spreadsheet of wife's excuses
For refusing to have sex with him."
So, the husband made it and gave it to her to shame her.
-Oh. -She posted it on reddit.
-Oh. -[ laughs ]
My favorite one on here, though, is,
"I just came back from the gym, I feel gross,"
And then he put in brackets,
"she didn't shower till the next morning."
[ laughter ]
This is kind of more like a spreadsheet
Of every time he masturbated that month.
Joe: Yeah, that's pretty much it.
As ridiculous as the spreadsheet is...
-Uh-huh. -...And it is exposed,
It's relatable in a way that people can be like,
"I have a spouse. Sometimes, we are intimate,
Sometimes we're not on the same schedule,"
Whereas I think being arrested for having sex with foliage
Is, like, mortifying in a way.
Your wife not having sex with you is a solvable problem.
Either cheat on her or get divorced.
Done. -Find a pile of leaves.
It's done. What are you gonna do? Find a pile of leaves.
-I see where you're going. -Right?
Having sex with a pile of leaves is going to follow you
For the rest of your life, no matter what you do.
That's an internet search away. -Not in the spring.
Come spring, it's all brand new.
So, I feel arrested for having sex with a pile of leaves,
No matter how hot those leaves were, buddy...
[ laughter ]
...I think that's worse than a wife you could just leave.
Later for you. -You know what?
I'm gonna have to agree with you.
"you're arrested for having sex with a pile of leaves"
Is more miserable than "your wife don't have sex with you."
-Yes. -Okay.
Let's first see where our shrinks put the other choice.
-Ooh. -62 is high.
-Okay. Alright. -We still got it.
Let's see if you're right. This is for $1,000.
[ buzzer ]
[ all groan ]
I'm afraid that is incorrect.
Mark, tell me which one of these party poopers
Ranks higher on the misery index.
This is a goodbye card
For someone who is leaving their job after five years.
500 people he works with, and this is his leaving card.
-No one signed it. -That's one.
And just as a fact,
They did later give him a proper card and that was a prank,
But this is from the point of view of someone
Who isn't going to get the second card. Joe: Got it.
Just, like, imagine he's only received that first card.
Or is this more miserable?
[ wind gusting ]
Very windy. Very windy.
-Oh! -Is somebody in there?
No, nobody's -- oh, it's spraying.
It's spraying everywhere.
Oh, another one!
[ all groan ]
That is a very portable potty.
Jameela: Yeah. [ laughs ]
Look, you work at a place for five years, right,
You've spent your time with these people,
And you get a crappy card.
That sucks.
You feel depressed. You feel down on yourself.
But the other scenario, you fear for your life.
Are you afraid that a porta-potty's
Gonna rain on you is gonna kill you?
Because you could wash off the porta-potty rain on you.
You can't wash off that shame of nobody liking you.
-Oh. -For me.
I'm thinking you could also hide it.
Like, you don't have to show off the card where nobody likes you.
-Sure. -No, but you know.
You know that no one cares that you've left.
As much as you try, you can't lie to yourself, buddy.
Yeah, you can, joe. Trust me.
[ laughter ] you can.
I'm gonna say that the "porta potty rains on your party"
Is more miserable than "your co-worker won't miss you."
Okay, let's first see where our shrinks put the other choice.
This is what you have to beat.
-Beatable. -40. Very beatable.
-Beatable. Yeah. -That's low. That's low.
But now, let's see if your choice is correct.
-Yes! -Yes!
-Good job. -Yes!
That is correct. Don't go anywhere,
'cause when we come back, someone is headed home
And someone is moving on for a shot at $30,000.
[ cheers and applause ]
Hello, and welcome back to "the misery index."
It all comes down to this one miserable event
To determine who is the true master of misery
Moving on to play for their shot at the grand prize.
Mark has $1,500, and leanna is right on his heels with $500.
Normally in this round, I would show you guys
A miserable clip from the "impractical jokers,"
But tonight, you're going to have to rate a misery
Based solely on what you can hear.
So, that means no video.
-Ooh. -Ooh.
-Yeah. -[ laughs ]
So, whoever's closest to our shrinks' score wins the round.
Let's play "the sound of misery."
[ thunder crashes ] [ audience "oohs" ]
Let's have a listen.
From the manatee county fair, linda carson, abc 7.
Would you not eat my pants? Aah!
[ laughter ]
Sounds a bit like my first audition for hollywood, but...
[ laughter ]
-Oh, my god. -Oh!
So, what do you think this is?
Leanna, mark, give me your first ideas.
I mean, I'm thinking something cute was near her,
'cause she's cool with it, and then it starts biting her
Or eating her pants. -That's right.
-Could be a goat. -Leanna, what do you think?
Yeah, she's by the goat pen, and the goat is hungry.
He saw, "okay. Oh, I see ham. Let's go." so...
[ laughter ] he upgraded. Got it.
Okay, well, for $2,000, talk it through,
And lock in where you think this awful audio lands
On the misery index.
I think there's more than just eating the pants,
'cause then she freaks -- -then she gets bit.
It probably bites. -Yeah, it bites.
So physical pain. -Yeah.
We're also assuming it's a goat. Could be an elephant.
I'm not even kidding. -At a county fair, though.
Jameela: Okay, guys, so I'm gonna need you all to lock in.
-Done. -We're in.
Great. Now everyone is locked in.
Okay, I think, before we reveal our scores,
It is only fair for us to take a look at the video
Behind this miserable audio clip.
From the manatee county fair, linda carson, abc 7.
Would you not eat my pants? Aah!
[ laughter, indistinct talking ]
-Crotch bump! -Right in the crotch!
She did. She took a "c" punch.
Okay, now that we've seen the video,
Let's see who has mastered the misery
By being closest to the correct answer.
Mark, you seem confident.
You said it was...
A 32 on the misery index.
Okay, that's low.
And, leanna, you said it was at a...
Ooh, 38.
This is actually good for us.
Okay, let's see what our shrinks say.
This is going to decide who gets to go on to the next round.
-Come on! Come on! -35 or above! 35 or above!
Other way, other way.
[ cheers and applause ]
Jameela: Leanna wins!
Unfortunately, that means
That we are going to have to say goodbye to mark,
But leanna is moving on
And will be playing for the $30,000 grand prize
Right after this.
Don't go anywhere.
[ cheers and applause ]
Welcome back to "the misery index."
So, leanna has chosen sal to assist her
In the grand prize final round. -Alright. I like you.
This is the $30,000 margin of misery.
[ thunder crashes ] [ audience "oohs" ]
Oh, leanna, if you win it all,
What are you gonna do with this money?
I'm gonna head to my family's land, trinidad,
With my girls for a girls trip for carnival,
And we are gonna turn all the way up.
-Pop, lock, and drop. -And drop.
-Yes. -Yes.
Alright, well, leanna, I'm gonna show you
Three terrible events worth $5,000, $10,000, and $15,000,
And after each one, you will place a range finder
Where you think it lands on the misery index.
But remember, as the money gets bigger,
The range finder gets smaller.
Are you ready to play? -I'm ready.
Okay, let's do it.
Let's get miserable.
Okay, so, leanna, your first event is worth $5,000
And has a range of 30 points this time.
Take a look at this.
So that is -- that's -- that's a delivery truck.
-Oh, no. -We have a delivery guy...
-Oh, no. -...Who's leaving it there.
He's taking a picture, and...
[ doorbell rings ] followed all the protocols.
-He doesn't know yet? -"my truck is over here."
-He's lost his truck. -Here he comes.
Murr: Here it comes. [ audience "ohhs" ]
Oh, my god.
I think with your truck rolling away because you neglected it,
Didn't put it in park... -Right.
...You may lose your job with that.
I think it hits on trauma and impact.
-Yeah, more than anything. -You know, it is a truck,
And it does smash into someone's lawn and it is his fault
And it was caught on video
And he does have to fess up at work, right? Yep.
Within a range of 30, I think it's gonna be,
Like, maybe 25 and 55.
-Yeah. -Here, here.
Yeah, I'm thinking, like,
A tiny bit higher than that, like 27, 57.
So, leanna, within a range of 30 points,
Where does "your delivery truck rolls away"
Land on the misery index?
Your time starts now.
Come on, trinidad.
Come on, baby.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Lock it in. Okay.
Leanna, you are locked in between 28 and 58.
For $5,000, let's see where this lands.
Come on, trinidad.
Oh, god. [ groans ]
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
-Alright, alright. -Alright.
Get up! Get up!
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
[ cheers and applause ] [ laughs ]
Whoo!
That's $5,000. That's $5,000.
That was correct. You just banked yourself $5,000.
That's gonna be a very expensive bikini.
Well done.
Okay, so this next event is worth $10,000,
And you will have a range of 20 points this time.
-Okay. -Let's take a look.
Joe: Oh, no.
[ audience groans ] oh, my god.
Jameela: This is a san juan bonfire festival in madrid.
Men, alcohol, fire -- what could possibly go wrong?
[ laughter ]
Anytime someone is in the center of a fire...
It's really location, location, location.
He was dead center, you know? He didn't, like, skim the fire.
He, like, became it, so, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
So pain very much is there, 'cause that's fire.
It hits everything, doesn't it? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm thinking it's gonna be a little higher
Than just the truck rolling away. Yeah, definitely.
And with a range of 20, I'm thinking we got to get into
The 70s, a little bit, just in case.
Okay, well, within a range of 20,
Where does "you crash into a bonfire"
Land on the misery index?
Your 10 seconds starts... Now.
Murr: Follow your instincts. Follow your instincts.
If you go on fire, it's got to be high.
[ indistinct shouting ]
Five, four, three, two, one.
Okay. -I like it. I like it.
You've locked in between 55 and 75.
Now, for $10,000,
Where did our shrinks rate it on the misery index?
Good luck. -[ groans ]
[ laughs ]
[ speaks gibberish ]
Come on. Come on. Fire's got to be more than a ups truck crashing.
Come on. More, more, more.
[ indistinct shouting ]
[ cheers and applause ]
Yes!
Jameela: Correct.
You have just banked yourself $10,000.
-Whoo! -Oh, my god.
[ cheers and applause ]
Here we go.
Our final misery is worth $15,000 this time.
However, you are going to have to get it
Within a range of only 10 points this time.
-Okay. -Okay.
Let's take a look at this.
-We're on a roll. -Thank you.
"death bed confession:
Man admits murder during heart attack, and then survives."
Oh, my god.
He said, "I killed somebody," and then he didn't die, so...
-I mean, that's wild. -...That's bad.
-Yeah. -What?
First, he thinks he's dying... Mm-hmm.
...And then he's been carrying this thing with him
His whole life. -Uh-huh.
Then he confesses, it's off his chest, and then he lives.
It's like, there's a roller coaster of emotion here. Absolutely.
Joe: There's also the awkwardness of not dying.
Like, you know how weird it is when you say goodbye to somebody
Then you both walk the same way?
It's like that.
-It's like that but with murder. -Yeah.
-It's painful. -Yes.
-It's humiliating. -Yes.
-It's traumatic. -Yes.
It's emotionally --
Everything's emotional about it, right? Yeah.
-He's a murderer. -Yep.
And then when you think you're getting your load off by saying,
"this is what happened," before you croak
And then you don't croak...
Okay, well, within a range of 10,
Where does "you survive after your deathbed confession"
Land on the misery index?
Your 10 seconds starts now.
Murr: Come on, come on, come on.
[ indistinct shouting ]
-Yeah. -Is that cool?
-Five, four, three -- -alright, alright, alright.
[ cheers and applause ]
That feels right. -That feels good.
That's what I would've went with.
Okay, so, for $15,000, this is it.
Let's see where "you survive after your deathbed confession"
Lands on the misery index.
Good luck, leanna.
We're all with you. -Come on.
Murr: Come on. Come on, now.
-Okay. -Oh, god.
Ah. We all feel this way.
We all feel it. -Come on, come on. Keep going.
We all feel it. We all feel it.
[ indistinct shouting ]
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Oh, my god!
-Great job.
Wow. Wow.
-Well, that is correct. -Wow.
You are going home with $32,500.
[ cheers and applause ]
Girls' trip! Girls' trip!
[ all chanting "girls trip!" ]
[ laughter ]
Well, that'll do it for "the misery index."
I'm jameela jamil, and from me and the tenderloins
And our champion, leanna, good night.
Congratulations. [ cheers and applause ]
-Thank you. -What an ending.
-Congrats. -Thank you so much.