Sync & corrections by Costa Dax www.addic7ed.com
All right, next presentation. Mei Lin and Jun Ho,
you're up first.
The scene: Germany.
It's a time of tension and strife.
A reporter approaches one Miss Mariah Carey.
Quick background: earlier that year, Jennifer Lopez
had used a sample for "I'm Real" that Mariah
had been planning on using for "Lover Boy", remember that.
- Why? - The reporter
first asks Mariah,
"What do you think about Beyoncé?"
"I love Beyoncé,
Beyoncé's fabulous, great singer".
Little did we know the world would change forever.
The reporter goes on to ask a seemingly innocuous question:
"What about J-Lo?"
"I don't know her".
I don't know her.
A day that will live in infamy.
O-okay, so, wait, she does know her?
Don't be obtuse, Griselda. She knows exactly who she is.
End of presentation.
We will not be taking questions.
Oh, okay. Um, well, thank you.
I should remind you that the topic of your presentation
was the Federal Reserve System.
And what is that?
Well, I guess since this isn't a real class,
I can't really give you detention, so let's move on.
Brady, you're up next.
Straight up didn't do it.
Seriously, guys? You know, FYI,
these are scratch-and-sniff stickers,
and now none of you are getting them
because none of you did a great job.
Sorry we're late. Big day registering voters!
It was exhilarating.
When you approach someone with a clipboard,
and see the panicked look on their face
as they avoid eye contact with you, that's the good stuff.
Ah, nothing like walking through the streets
of New York City to be reminded
of how many people masturbate in public.
So how many voters did you register?
In just nine short hours we registered...
Five new voters!
No, wait, somebody wrote "Baba Booey" on every line.
Four new voters!
This is crazy. Voting is so important.
How else will you get the chance to stand in line
in a hot church and give corrupt golf enthusiasts
limitless power?
Well, I'd love to give you one more,
but I'm pretty sure I'm already registered.
What do you mean, pretty sure?
Aren't you automatically registered when you, like,
open a bank account, or battle at a Pokémon gym?
Garrett, are you not registered?
Have you ever voted?
I voted for myself first couple of times,
and I voted for President Obama!
On a BuzzFeed poll for best beach bod.
Such an important day for America.
I still remember where I was
when he beat Ashton Kutcher.
Look, there are 10 million people in New York City.
My one vote doesn't really matter,
especially when there are people like you
who actually know what they're voting about.
We're not citizens! We can't vote.
Well, sure, not for, like, president or whatever,
but locally, can't you vote for, like, city comptroller?
Is that a person people vote for, or is that like a friendly robot?
Man, I do not know a lot about democracy.
People with a green card or a visa can serve in the military
and pay taxes, but we don't have any say
in where those tax dollars go or who represents us.
- What? - You were in the City Council!
How do you not know this?
If we're gonna go back and dredge up
every little thing I don't know,
we're gonna be here for a very long time.
You have a point.
Every time we ask you to find Alaska on a map,
you pretend to take a phone call.
I promised I would help you. Let me see what I can do.
I'm gonna go talk to Diana.
Can you at least make sure you're registered to vote?
I'll do it when I get there. There's a Pokémon gym,
like, right by her office.
So, we could use some extra hands out in the field.
You two interested in knocking on some doors?
Oh, I'd love to, but I just got my knuckles Botoxed.
Yeah, and our dad always taught us to avoid politics.
It's better to just fund the rebels directly.
I think it would be good for you two to do something
other than think about yourselves for a change.
Give me a break, Jun Ho.
Oh. Now I hear it, Jun Ho.
I promise you, if you come with us,
and get even one person registered to vote,
you will feel a sense of inspiration
that will change your life.
Why would we wanna change our lives?
We're hot and rich
and not smart enough to feel guilty about any of it.
I'll let you straighten my hair.
Oh, my God, finally!
What are we gonna do with all those little curls?
Make it into a dress for Fashion Week,
and then we're gonna do a nude photo shoot
in which all we wear is your hair.
Now, let's go register some cars!
- Voters! - Whatever!
Pretty good speech.
Although, it's not really accurate to say that the T. Rex
was the largest carnivorous dinosaur
since the Spinosaurus was three times bigger.
Don't feel bad, though, because dino newbs
make that mistake all the time.
- It's one of those things... - Hey, sorry.
- Am I interrupting? - No.
Brady's actually helping me with a speech
for the opening of a new exhibit
at the Natural History Museum.
He actually knows a lot about dinosaurs.
Those aren't even my models...
Oh! Don't touch that! Don't touch Bronty!
So why are you giving a speech
at the Museum of Natural History?
I happen to have a seat on the Cultural Affairs Committee.
Oh, whoa, that's the best committee!
You get to go to the Met Gala.
Who cares about the Met Gala?
They gave me a private tour of the library last week
and gave me a special card saying I can't be shushed.
Cool. So I have a question.
Did you know that green card holders
can't vote in local elections?
I mean, yeah. I wrote my dissertation
on systemic disenfranchisement at Columbia.
Sheesh, you could've just said "yeah".
Anyway, I just found out that my students can't vote,
and I thought it might kinda be a cool little present
to, I don't know, give them that?
You think you can get that done before the holidays?
It would save me a lot of money on gifts.
No, I can't just give them that,
but I have been trying.
I actually wrote a bill that's been sitting in committee
for months, and the Staten Island contingent
is stonewalling me.
Well, those guys are old-school, okay?
They're not gonna budge on anything
until you give them something in return.
One time, they held up an entire city budget
until we let them throw this actually really sick party
in the Statue of Liberty's head.
Hey, I could go talk to them if you want,
see what it'll take to get them to change their vote.
Or you can do absolutely nothing and stay out of it
so I can keep writing my bill until it's so good
everybody supports it.
Oh, hunty.
You can see yourself out.
Yeah, I should probably take off too.
Um, I was gonna leave these dinosaurs here
'cause... not mine.
They are collector's items, though, so I need you
to promise me that they'll be properly stored in their case
until I come back.
Sure.
Sorry,
I need you to look me in the eyes and say, "I promise".
We are gonna register someone to vote,
and then we are gonna get them curls so straight,
they're gonna buy their jeans at Costco.
This is where democracy happens!
Step away from the door, or I will eat you!
And this is where we run.
Hi!
Would you be interested in registering to vote?
This is not a good time!
Hold this? Ollie? Ollie, sit down!
Well, I guess this is mine now.
Hello.
Hi, sir, this will not take
more than a moment of your time.
That's disappointing. I have all afternoon.
Great, because we wanted to talk to you
about registering to vote.
Sorry, I'm confused.
Are you four not the people I hired
to pour orange juice in my butt?
No.
Would you like to be the people I hired...
This is another running situation!
Maybe we should hear him out at least!
Guys, we can't get discouraged.
Sure, we've had some setbacks.
Sure, we've probably all had bedbugs
because that one guy threw bedbugs on us,
but that's democracy.
We can't give up!
Oh, I'm not giving up, okay, because seeing all this hair
in one floor-length side pony is literally the only thing
that's keeping me going right now!
Also, I've never had this many people say no to me,
and I'm not saying it's erotic,
but I am saying it's having an effect.
Hi, ma'am,
we are registering voters for the upcoming election.
Oh, that's nice!
Oh, my God! Wait, you wanna register?
Well, um, let me think about it?
Um, put me down as a maybe.
- A maybe? Is she serious? - No, this is good!
This is way better than what we've gotten so far.
You know what they say: With patience, every tadpole
will eventually sprout flippers and achieve genitalia!
In my language, the saying is much more beautiful.
Diana is so naive! Politics is about making deals.
She needs to play the game.
Well, she's got a lot of dinosaur models
to put away properly, so she's probably just focused on that.
Yeah, well, if she does it her way,
it's never gonna get done.
I'm gonna go to Staten Island and talk to those guys.
See if I can get them to move the ball a little bit.
Have you ever been to Staten Island?
Ew, gross, no.
Why would I ever go to Staten Island?
Be careful. My mom's boyfriend Frank is from there,
and people are very sensitive about it.
Don't mention all the garbage dumps, or the corruption,
or the mafia hits, or the really bad restaurants,
or the complete lack of culture of any kind,
or the Verrazzano Bridge, New York's worst bridge,
or the ferry explosions,
or that, geographically speaking,
it should really be in New Jersey,
or the crappy colleges, or the boat graveyard,
or the weird pizza, or the aggressive wild turkeys roaming the streets.
Thank you for the advice. When I come back,
you guys will have the right to vote,
and I'll probably be a little drunk,
'cause you can drink on the ferry.
Remember, if one of those animals comes at you, just run.
You don't know what kind of diseases they're carrying.
Wait, turkeys carry diseases?
No, I'm talking about people that live on Staten Island.
Hey, what's up, guys?
Hey, Garrett Modi!
Welcome to Staten Island. How you doin'?
Hey, no complaints!
Took the ferry in, had a great view of the city...
Oh, what do you mean, great view of the city?
Staten Island's in New York City.
No, I know. I mean, I had a great view
everywhere, all the places.
Just because you can't take the subway here,
doesn't mean it's not in New York City.
And we have our own subway.
It's ridden by dozens of people every day,
and some of 'em don't live on it.
I know that, and you know I love it.
I love that there's only one line
that doesn't connect to anything,
makes it way less confusing.
Right?
So what you been up to
since the whole thing with the BQE and the cops
and the puking?
Hey, no joke, best thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm not kidding.
I do not miss the council at all.
I'm so glad to be out of that dump.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
The D word?
You're coming in here and using the D word as a pejorative?
They're called landfills now,
and they're nothing to be ashamed of.
If nobody took the garbage, it would pile up.
There's nobility in that.
No, no, of course, I know!
Look, guys,
I'm here on behalf of Diana Barea out of Sunnyside.
Okay? As you know, she's got this bill
to give limited voting rights to certain green card holders,
and, um... I gotta be honest, I...
I think it would help a lot of people.
You wanna help people? Why now?
You weren't the most hardworking councilman.
No, that's true. That's true.
My career was a bit of a dumpster fire.
We're tryin' to put 'em out!
There's too many dumpsters next to each other!
Hey, councilman! Councilman, it's okay!
Look, I know you guys aren't gonna
change your minds for nothing, okay?
So what's it gonna take?
You know, Diana's got that seat
on the Cultural Affairs committee.
You get her to give that up, and we could maybe scrounge up
three "yes" votes.
Why do you want the Cultural Affairs Committee?
We're trying to move the Met Gala to Staten Island!
We already have the perfect location.
It's an abandoned Jimmy Jazz that's very nearly turkey-free.
Hi, we're back.
Remember me? Of course you do.
Your life is obviously very boring and I am very memorable.
We're just checking in on that "maybe".
Is it a "yes" yet?
Nope. Still a "maybe".
How would you like to be treated
to an all-expenses paid day of fun?
Anything you want.
- A circuit party. - A drag ball!
- A foam bat mitzvah. - Twister but with swords.
A reverse rave where there's one dancer
and everybody else has turntables.
- Ooh, whale race. - An Oscar party from 2008.
Do something bad but blame it on Lena Dunham.
- An adult gender reveal party. - Just watch the movie
- "Three Men and a Baby". - Melissa McCarthy's menagerie.
Prom, but we're the chaperones.
Meet the ghost that lives in Raven-Symoné's house.
I could maybe go for a diet soda.
Kathy, you are so basic, and you own it,
which does not excuse it at all,
but God if I don't respect you.
What do you wanna hear first, the good news,
or the great news? Which is maybe worse
but also better in, like, the macro sense.
- What are you talking about? - So I had a little chat
with the Staten Island contingent,
and for a very small concession,
they are willing to vote "yes" on your bill.
- Your boy came through! - What?
Wait, what do they want?
Uh, they...
Okay, they want your seat
on the Cultural Affairs Committee.
That's not so bad.
We'd still get to be VIPs at the dinosaur exhibit.
- No, we wouldn't. - Diana, get him out of here!
I've always said he sucked! I've always said that!
Listen, you'll still get a committee assignment.
They wanna give you a seat on Vermin Control.
I know it's not what you want,
but they're doing some very interesting things there.
For example, did you know that they're building these little
rat-sized electric chairs and then forcing the other rats
to watch the execution as a deterrent?
It's crazy.
What?
No, y-you can't actually be considering this!
My bill would help a lot of people.
Okay, but how do you know those guys aren't
just saying they're gonna vote yes?
They swore on a copy of
"Enter the Wu-Tang".
The Bible of Staten Island.
One room temperature diet soda?
Oh, you can just put it down.
I like to wait until all the bubbles go away.
Ooh, I love this nail color. What do you call it?
- Clear. - Oh.
This is lavender oil.
Gwyneth Paltrow says that it encourages wise decision making
or strengthens your vagina, I'm not sure which, but, uh,
hey, have you made up your mind yet?
You know what?
You people have been so nice to me...
Give me that form.
We got a yes!
Kathy, I could kiss you on the mouth if it weren't for several factors
that we're all keenly aware of.
Oh, dear, they don't seem to have my party listed here.
That's okay, you can just write one in.
- Yeah. - Oh.
Thank you all so much for a lovely day.
Maybe I'll see you at the ballot box!
Yes. Yes! And thank you, Kathy.
We will see you at the primary for the "American Nazi Party"!
Oh.
Okay, next matter before the committee
is the Local Resident Voting Rights Act
put forth by Councilwoman Diana Barea.
This is it, this is your bill!
It's gonna change the face of New York City politics forever.
Okay, all those in favor?
And those opposed?
Three ayes, four nays. Motion fails. Meeting adjourned.
- What just happened? - Wait, I don't know.
Healy and Bannerman switched their votes to "no".
They were definite "yeses". I don't understand.
Hey. What's going on? We had a deal.
Which we stuck to.
We all voted "yes. It's not our fault
that some of the other council members
happen to be huge dinosaur fans.
What's their favorite dinosaur?
Because it can't be Stegosaurus, that's mine.
That's Brady's favorite!
You gave up the Cultural Affairs seat in exchange
for a "no" vote.
You killed the bill. Why?
'Cause we don't like you, Modi.
You have some nerve walkin' into our office
thinking you can charm us into doing your bidding.
- You're no Mike Sorrentino. - Who?
The Situation. Know your Staten Island history.
You're a joke, Modi.
You always have been, you always will be.
You can act all high and mighty
and claim you're trying to help people,
but you're always gonna be that guy who barfed his guts out
all over a subpar New York highway.
Why don't you try pukin' on a good road next time?
Like the West Shore Expressway.
12 miles, straight to a landfill, baby.
Oh, man.
I'm, uh... I'm really sorry.
I shouldn't have tried to help you.
Yeah, you really shouldn't have.
All that work and we only registered
four people and a Nazi.
This is a lost cause.
It's like when I tried to get the catchphrase,
- "Hakim-ing it real" going. - Mm-mm.
Actually, no, it's not like that at all.
It's a good catchphrase! You guys are all wrong.
We can't even vote and we're out there
begging people to care about their democracy!
If it doesn't matter to them, why should it matter to us?
You two were right not to care.
I'm gonna go get my flat iron.
I'll get mine too.
I deserve it.
Why doesn't this feel good?
We got everything we wanted
and I don't feel the least bit horny.
I feel sad
for other people?
Why can't I think about myself?
Is this one of those symptoms of a stroke?
- Oh, my God. - What's happening?
I know you're feeling pretty bad right now, but
I just want you to know that when I started talking,
I thought that maybe I'd arrive at something uplifting
to say by this moment, but it is really not coming.
And I'm trying... I'm trying to push through it.
Here comes something. Three, two, one...
Nope, not there.
So...
Yeah. Hope that helps.
Yeah, well, there's nothing to say.
Sweet! Nailed it.
Those guys are right, I'm a total joke.
I should've just gone on "Dancing with the Stars".
They're casting literal monsters,
not even likable ones.
Garrett, you don't have nearly enough coordination
to dance on that show.
You move like you just bought your body.
You know, sometimes I think about everything
you guys had to go through to come here,
and how hard you're working to stay, and I just think
you'd be so much better off if you never met me.
I mean, I've done literally nothing
to make your lives better.
That is not true.
That one time,
you found a hair in our nachos, so we got them for free.
No matter how hard I try, I'm just always gonna be the guy
that puked on the BQE.
Maybe it's time I accept that.
Hey, I need to take a walk.
Garrett, wait!
No, nothing. Sorry, I... ah!
I thought something would just, like, kick in there.
My bad.
♪ Nobody told me ♪
♪ To sit down and shut up ♪
♪ And take this [...] slowly ♪
♪ I'm so bad with attention ♪
♪ So my good intentions ♪
♪ Get bad when you hold me ♪
♪ I get too tough on myself ♪
What's all this?
It's a "thank you" party
for you guys.
We saw you leave the bar earlier
all apathetic and detached, we thought, "No!
No, that is our thing, and it looks terrible on you".
Yeah, our first thought was to sue you
for attitude infringement, but then our lawyers said
you can't sue someone for that.
And we realized that our thing really only works
when people like you are doing your thing, which is, like,
working hard and inspiring people and caring,
and you're doing it for free, which is crazy!
So don't let all these "no's"
discourage you from doing the right thing.
Wow, you actually thought of someone besides yourselves!
Generosity's a nice look on you.
Thanks for "Hakim-ing it real".
See? It works, huh?
You'll all be using it eventually.
After one massage, I'll be ready
to get back out on those streets
with a big smile on my face and say,
"Attention, public masturbators,
pull your pants up and go vote".
Guys, have you seen Garrett?
He just seemed pretty down, and I'm worried he's thinking
about quitting the class.
Did his life get worse? How?
I think I found him.
We are now receiving word that the man
blocking the Brooklyn Queens Expressway
is former councilman Garret Modi.
We gotta go.
Everybody, back off! I just wanna say one thing.
I got elected to serve
this city 15 years ago.
In that entire time, I passed zero bills,
attended zero committee meetings,
and sat in on one public hearing,
and that was only because I'd spilled soup on my crotch
and I was too embarrassed to actually get up
until everyone left.
When I was in office, I didn't care.
About anything.
But then, I met some people
who came to this country from all over the world.
And they had one thing in common: they cared a lot.
My councilwoman, who, by the way,
is way better than I ever was...
You're all a bunch of idiots
for reelecting me so many times...
She wrote a bill
that helps give immigrants a voice in our society,
and I may have killed it
because I'm an even bigger idiot than all of you.
Guys, my friends aren't looking for special rights.
They're just looking for equal rights.
So this shouldn't be their issue.
It should be everyone's issue.
Democracy only works
when all of us actually care enough to make it work.
Because not caring helps no one.
Hey, you're the guy from last time!
- Yeah, you remembered. - Yeah, how you doin', man?
Not bad, wife's pregnant again.
Hey, congratulations!
Emma's gonna be a great big sister.
Yeah, get in the car.
- Oh, hey, Garrett! - Hey.
Oh! Oh, my goodness, I was so worried.
Oh, but then I thought, you know, you sleep on a couch,
so jail must be an upgrade for you.
You guys bailed me out?
Yeah, we're doing this new good deeds thing,
but don't get used to it.
We're proud of you. Thank you for fighting for us.
You know what? Your honesty inspired me to be honest.
I love dinosaurs, and I don't care who knows!
Listen, your speech really got people fired up.
My phone has been ringing off the hook.
Hoping I can use that momentum
to get more support for the bill.
That's awesome!
I have to say, over the last six months...
We already heard the speech. Can we just get a drink?
Thanks for keeping me humble, guys.
You know, humility...
- Come on! - Lethal injection!
It's the truth.
I threw up everywhere, it's true.
It's done. I feel like Thomas Jefferson
when he built the "Mona Lisa"!
What? You guys know I paid people to go to school for me.
May we present Griselda's new hair!
Featuring Griselda.
♪ A woman don't cry ♪
- Ooh! - Oh.
- Whoa!
You look like Rapunzel!
I mean, Hulk Hogan.
Well, I'm glad you like it.
For me, it's especially gross 'cause I know what's on these floors.
Wait, this is all your hair?
Mr. Modi? Hi, I'm Andy. This is Monica.
Can we speak with you for a sec?
- Sure. - What you did out there
was nothing short of incredible.
You were giving off major early Beto vibes,
back when everybody was like, "Ooh, that guy!"
But before everyone was like, "Ugh, that guy".
We heard about the work you were doing
with your citizenship class.
It's an incredible story of self-reinvention.
Oh. Thank you very much.
Wait a second, are you guys
trying to sell me a copy of "Dianetics"?
No. We're political consultants.
We think your message really has the potential to land
with our post-Gen-Y pre-Zoomer centennials.
Wait, what are you saying?
We want you to run for office.
Sync & corrections by Costa Dax www.addic7ed.com