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Sync & corrections by Costa Dax
www.addic7ed.com
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All right, next presentation.
Mei Lin and Jun Ho,
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you're up first.
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The scene: Germany.
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It's a time of tension and strife.
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A reporter approaches
one Miss Mariah Carey.
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Quick background: earlier
that year, Jennifer Lopez
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had used a sample for
"I'm Real" that Mariah
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had been planning on using for
"Lover Boy", remember that.
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- Why?
- The reporter
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first asks Mariah,
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"What do you think about Beyoncé?"
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"I love Beyoncé,
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Beyoncé's fabulous, great singer".
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Little did we know the
world would change forever.
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The reporter goes on to ask a
seemingly innocuous question:
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"What about J-Lo?"
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"I don't know her".
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I don't know her.
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A day that will live in infamy.
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O-okay, so, wait, she does know her?
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Don't be obtuse, Griselda.
She knows exactly who she is.
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End of presentation.
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We will not be taking questions.
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Oh, okay. Um, well, thank you.
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I should remind you that the
topic of your presentation
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was the Federal Reserve System.
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And what is that?
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Well, I guess since
this isn't a real class,
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I can't really give you
detention, so let's move on.
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Brady, you're up next.
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Straight up didn't do it.
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Seriously, guys? You know, FYI,
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these are scratch-and-sniff stickers,
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and now none of you are getting them
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because none of you did a great job.
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Sorry we're late. Big
day registering voters!
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It was exhilarating.
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When you approach
someone with a clipboard,
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and see the panicked look on their face
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as they avoid eye contact with
you, that's the good stuff.
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Ah, nothing like walking
through the streets
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of New York City to be reminded
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of how many people masturbate in public.
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So how many voters did you register?
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In just nine short
hours we registered...
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Five new voters!
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No, wait, somebody wrote
"Baba Booey" on every line.
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Four new voters!
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This is crazy. Voting is so important.
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How else will you get the
chance to stand in line
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in a hot church and give
corrupt golf enthusiasts
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limitless power?
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Well, I'd love to give you one more,
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but I'm pretty sure
I'm already registered.
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What do you mean, pretty sure?
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Aren't you automatically
registered when you, like,
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open a bank account, or
battle at a Pokémon gym?
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Garrett, are you not registered?
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Have you ever voted?
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I voted for myself
first couple of times,
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and I voted for President Obama!
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On a BuzzFeed poll for best beach bod.
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Such an important day for America.
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I still remember where I was
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when he beat Ashton Kutcher.
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Look, there are 10 million
people in New York City.
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My one vote doesn't really matter,
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especially when there
are people like you
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who actually know what
they're voting about.
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We're not citizens! We can't vote.
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Well, sure, not for, like,
president or whatever,
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but locally, can't you vote
for, like, city comptroller?
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Is that a person people vote for,
or is that like a friendly robot?
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Man, I do not know a
lot about democracy.
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People with a green card or a
visa can serve in the military
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and pay taxes, but we don't have any say
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in where those tax dollars
go or who represents us.
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- What?
- You were in the City Council!
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How do you not know this?
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If we're gonna go back and dredge up
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every little thing I don't know,
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we're gonna be here
for a very long time.
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You have a point.
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Every time we ask you
to find Alaska on a map,
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you pretend to take a phone call.
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I promised I would help you.
Let me see what I can do.
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I'm gonna go talk to Diana.
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Can you at least make sure
you're registered to vote?
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I'll do it when I get there.
There's a Pokémon gym,
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like, right by her office.
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So, we could use some extra
hands out in the field.
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You two interested in
knocking on some doors?
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Oh, I'd love to, but I just
got my knuckles Botoxed.
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Yeah, and our dad always
taught us to avoid politics.
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It's better to just fund
the rebels directly.
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I think it would be good
for you two to do something
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other than think about
yourselves for a change.
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Give me a break, Jun Ho.
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Oh. Now I hear it, Jun Ho.
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I promise you, if you come with us,
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and get even one person
registered to vote,
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you will feel a sense of inspiration
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that will change your life.
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Why would we wanna change our lives?
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We're hot and rich
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and not smart enough to
feel guilty about any of it.
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I'll let you straighten my hair.
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Oh, my God, finally!
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What are we gonna do
with all those little curls?
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Make it into a dress for Fashion Week,
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and then we're gonna
do a nude photo shoot
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in which all we wear is your hair.
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Now, let's go register some cars!
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- Voters!
- Whatever!
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Pretty good speech.
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Although, it's not really
accurate to say that the T. Rex
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was the largest carnivorous dinosaur
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since the Spinosaurus
was three times bigger.
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Don't feel bad, though,
because dino newbs
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make that mistake all the time.
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- It's one of those things...
- Hey, sorry.
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- Am I interrupting?
- No.
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Brady's actually
helping me with a speech
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for the opening of a new exhibit
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at the Natural History Museum.
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He actually knows a lot about dinosaurs.
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Those aren't even my models...
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Oh! Don't touch that!
Don't touch Bronty!
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So why are you giving a speech
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at the Museum of Natural History?
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I happen to have a seat on the
Cultural Affairs Committee.
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Oh, whoa, that's the best committee!
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You get to go to the Met Gala.
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Who cares about the Met Gala?
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They gave me a private tour
of the library last week
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and gave me a special card
saying I can't be shushed.
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Cool. So I have a question.
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Did you know that green card holders
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can't vote in local elections?
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I mean, yeah. I wrote my dissertation
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on systemic disenfranchisement
at Columbia.
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Sheesh, you could've just said "yeah".
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Anyway, I just found out
that my students can't vote,
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and I thought it might kinda
be a cool little present
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to, I don't know, give them that?
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You think you can get that
done before the holidays?
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It would save me a
lot of money on gifts.
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No, I can't just give them that,
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but I have been trying.
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I actually wrote a bill that's
been sitting in committee
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for months, and the
Staten Island contingent
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is stonewalling me.
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Well, those guys are old-school, okay?
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They're not gonna budge on anything
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until you give them something in return.
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One time, they held up
an entire city budget
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until we let them throw this
actually really sick party
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in the Statue of Liberty's head.
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Hey, I could go talk
to them if you want,
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see what it'll take to get
them to change their vote.
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Or you can do absolutely
nothing and stay out of it
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so I can keep writing my
bill until it's so good
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everybody supports it.
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Oh, hunty.
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You can see yourself out.
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Yeah, I should probably take off too.
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Um, I was gonna leave
these dinosaurs here
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'cause... not mine.
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They are collector's items,
though, so I need you
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to promise me that they'll be
properly stored in their case
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until I come back.
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Sure.
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Sorry,
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I need you to look me in the
eyes and say, "I promise".
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We are gonna register someone to vote,
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and then we are gonna get
them curls so straight,
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they're gonna buy their jeans at Costco.
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This is where democracy happens!
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Step away from the
door, or I will eat you!
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And this is where we run.
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Hi!
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Would you be interested
in registering to vote?
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This is not a good time!
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Hold this? Ollie? Ollie, sit down!
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Well, I guess this is mine now.
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Hello.
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Hi, sir, this will not take
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more than a moment of your time.
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That's disappointing.
I have all afternoon.
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Great, because we wanted to talk to you
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about registering to vote.
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Sorry, I'm confused.
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Are you four not the people I hired
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to pour orange juice in my butt?
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No.
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00:06:36,748 --> 00:06:38,428
Would you like to be
the people I hired...
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This is another running situation!
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Maybe we should hear him out at least!
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Guys, we can't get discouraged.
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Sure, we've had some setbacks.
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Sure, we've probably all had bedbugs
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because that one guy
threw bedbugs on us,
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but that's democracy.
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We can't give up!
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00:06:53,306 --> 00:06:56,140
Oh, I'm not giving up, okay,
because seeing all this hair
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in one floor-length side pony
is literally the only thing
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that's keeping me going right now!
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00:06:59,768 --> 00:07:02,146
Also, I've never had this
many people say no to me,
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and I'm not saying it's erotic,
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00:07:03,649 --> 00:07:05,566
but I am saying it's having an effect.
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00:07:05,568 --> 00:07:07,485
Hi, ma'am,
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00:07:07,487 --> 00:07:09,737
we are registering voters
for the upcoming election.
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00:07:09,739 --> 00:07:11,572
Oh, that's nice!
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00:07:11,574 --> 00:07:13,741
Oh, my God! Wait, you wanna register?
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00:07:13,743 --> 00:07:17,244
Well, um, let me think about it?
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00:07:17,246 --> 00:07:20,664
Um, put me down as a maybe.
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- A maybe? Is she serious?
- No, this is good!
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00:07:24,837 --> 00:07:26,837
This is way better than
what we've gotten so far.
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You know what they say:
With patience, every tadpole
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will eventually sprout flippers
and achieve genitalia!
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In my language, the saying
is much more beautiful.
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00:07:39,185 --> 00:07:42,645
Diana is so naive! Politics
is about making deals.
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00:07:42,647 --> 00:07:44,055
She needs to play the game.
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00:07:44,057 --> 00:07:45,681
Well, she's got a lot of dinosaur models
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00:07:45,683 --> 00:07:47,525
to put away properly, so she's
probably just focused on that.
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00:07:47,527 --> 00:07:48,527
Yeah, well, if she does it her way,
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00:07:48,529 --> 00:07:49,610
it's never gonna get done.
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00:07:49,612 --> 00:07:51,821
I'm gonna go to Staten Island
and talk to those guys.
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See if I can get them to
move the ball a little bit.
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00:07:53,866 --> 00:07:55,306
Have you ever been to Staten Island?
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00:07:55,330 --> 00:07:56,330
Ew, gross, no.
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00:07:56,332 --> 00:07:57,812
Why would I ever go to Staten Island?
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00:07:57,814 --> 00:07:59,852
Be careful. My mom's
boyfriend Frank is from there,
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00:07:59,855 --> 00:08:01,872
and people are very sensitive about it.
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00:08:01,874 --> 00:08:04,542
Don't mention all the garbage
dumps, or the corruption,
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00:08:04,544 --> 00:08:06,877
or the mafia hits, or the
really bad restaurants,
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00:08:06,879 --> 00:08:09,463
or the complete lack
of culture of any kind,
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00:08:09,465 --> 00:08:11,882
or the Verrazzano Bridge,
New York's worst bridge,
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00:08:11,884 --> 00:08:13,384
or the ferry explosions,
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00:08:13,386 --> 00:08:14,706
or that, geographically speaking,
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00:08:14,730 --> 00:08:16,470
it should really be in New Jersey,
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00:08:16,472 --> 00:08:18,472
or the crappy colleges,
or the boat graveyard,
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00:08:18,474 --> 00:08:21,559
or the weird pizza, or the aggressive
wild turkeys roaming the streets.
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00:08:21,561 --> 00:08:23,310
Thank you for the advice.
When I come back,
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00:08:23,312 --> 00:08:24,829
you guys will have the right to vote,
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00:08:24,831 --> 00:08:26,278
and I'll probably be a little drunk,
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00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:27,648
'cause you can drink on the ferry.
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00:08:27,650 --> 00:08:29,970
Remember, if one of those
animals comes at you, just run.
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00:08:29,972 --> 00:08:32,092
You don't know what kind of
diseases they're carrying.
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00:08:32,094 --> 00:08:33,690
Wait, turkeys carry diseases?
252
00:08:33,692 --> 00:08:36,035
No, I'm talking about people
that live on Staten Island.
253
00:08:43,165 --> 00:08:44,748
Hey, what's up, guys?
254
00:08:44,750 --> 00:08:46,417
Hey, Garrett Modi!
255
00:08:46,419 --> 00:08:48,043
Welcome to Staten Island. How you doin'?
256
00:08:48,045 --> 00:08:49,545
Hey, no complaints!
257
00:08:49,547 --> 00:08:51,922
Took the ferry in, had a
great view of the city...
258
00:08:51,924 --> 00:08:54,425
Oh, what do you mean,
great view of the city?
259
00:08:54,427 --> 00:08:56,010
Staten Island's in New York City.
260
00:08:56,012 --> 00:08:57,572
No, I know. I mean, I had a great view
261
00:08:57,596 --> 00:08:59,263
everywhere, all the places.
262
00:08:59,265 --> 00:09:01,065
Just because you can't
take the subway here,
263
00:09:01,067 --> 00:09:02,692
doesn't mean it's not in New York City.
264
00:09:02,694 --> 00:09:04,435
And we have our own subway.
265
00:09:04,437 --> 00:09:06,520
It's ridden by dozens
of people every day,
266
00:09:06,522 --> 00:09:07,842
and some of 'em don't live on it.
267
00:09:07,866 --> 00:09:09,340
I know that, and you know I love it.
268
00:09:09,342 --> 00:09:10,662
I love that there's only one line
269
00:09:10,686 --> 00:09:12,026
that doesn't connect to anything,
270
00:09:12,028 --> 00:09:13,360
makes it way less confusing.
271
00:09:13,362 --> 00:09:14,445
Right?
272
00:09:14,447 --> 00:09:16,363
So what you been up to
273
00:09:16,365 --> 00:09:18,908
since the whole thing
with the BQE and the cops
274
00:09:18,910 --> 00:09:20,576
and the puking?
275
00:09:20,578 --> 00:09:22,870
Hey, no joke, best thing
that's ever happened to me.
276
00:09:22,872 --> 00:09:23,954
I'm not kidding.
277
00:09:23,956 --> 00:09:25,623
I do not miss the council at all.
278
00:09:25,625 --> 00:09:27,191
I'm so glad to be out of that dump.
279
00:09:27,193 --> 00:09:28,692
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
280
00:09:28,694 --> 00:09:30,044
The D word?
281
00:09:30,046 --> 00:09:32,880
You're coming in here and using
the D word as a pejorative?
282
00:09:32,882 --> 00:09:34,423
They're called landfills now,
283
00:09:34,425 --> 00:09:36,634
and they're nothing to be ashamed of.
284
00:09:36,636 --> 00:09:39,303
If nobody took the
garbage, it would pile up.
285
00:09:39,305 --> 00:09:40,804
There's nobility in that.
286
00:09:40,806 --> 00:09:41,972
No, no, of course, I know!
287
00:09:41,974 --> 00:09:43,641
Look, guys,
288
00:09:43,643 --> 00:09:45,809
I'm here on behalf of Diana
Barea out of Sunnyside.
289
00:09:45,811 --> 00:09:47,811
Okay? As you know, she's got this bill
290
00:09:47,813 --> 00:09:50,439
to give limited voting rights
to certain green card holders,
291
00:09:50,441 --> 00:09:52,983
and, um... I gotta be honest, I...
292
00:09:52,985 --> 00:09:54,505
I think it would help a lot of people.
293
00:09:54,529 --> 00:09:57,112
You wanna help people? Why now?
294
00:09:57,114 --> 00:09:58,834
You weren't the most
hardworking councilman.
295
00:09:58,858 --> 00:10:00,616
No, that's true. That's true.
296
00:10:00,618 --> 00:10:02,493
My career was a bit of a dumpster fire.
297
00:10:02,495 --> 00:10:04,453
We're tryin' to put 'em out!
298
00:10:04,455 --> 00:10:07,081
There's too many dumpsters
next to each other!
299
00:10:07,083 --> 00:10:09,583
Hey, councilman! Councilman, it's okay!
300
00:10:09,585 --> 00:10:11,001
Look, I know you guys aren't gonna
301
00:10:11,003 --> 00:10:13,580
change your minds for nothing, okay?
302
00:10:13,605 --> 00:10:15,507
So what's it gonna take?
303
00:10:15,508 --> 00:10:16,788
You know, Diana's got that seat
304
00:10:16,812 --> 00:10:18,509
on the Cultural Affairs committee.
305
00:10:18,511 --> 00:10:22,513
You get her to give that up, and
we could maybe scrounge up
306
00:10:22,515 --> 00:10:24,348
three "yes" votes.
307
00:10:24,350 --> 00:10:26,270
Why do you want the
Cultural Affairs Committee?
308
00:10:26,294 --> 00:10:28,519
We're trying to move the
Met Gala to Staten Island!
309
00:10:28,521 --> 00:10:30,437
We already have the perfect location.
310
00:10:30,439 --> 00:10:33,023
It's an abandoned Jimmy Jazz
that's very nearly turkey-free.
311
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:35,442
Hi, we're back.
312
00:10:35,444 --> 00:10:37,111
Remember me? Of course you do.
313
00:10:37,113 --> 00:10:40,531
Your life is obviously very
boring and I am very memorable.
314
00:10:40,533 --> 00:10:42,658
We're just checking in on that "maybe".
315
00:10:42,660 --> 00:10:43,701
Is it a "yes" yet?
316
00:10:43,703 --> 00:10:45,494
Nope. Still a "maybe".
317
00:10:45,496 --> 00:10:46,829
How would you like to be treated
318
00:10:46,831 --> 00:10:48,622
to an all-expenses paid day of fun?
319
00:10:48,624 --> 00:10:49,707
Anything you want.
320
00:10:49,709 --> 00:10:50,991
- A circuit party.
- A drag ball!
321
00:10:50,993 --> 00:10:52,876
- A foam bat mitzvah.
- Twister but with swords.
322
00:10:52,878 --> 00:10:54,478
A reverse rave where there's one dancer
323
00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:55,896
and everybody else has turntables.
324
00:10:55,898 --> 00:10:57,848
- Ooh, whale race.
- An Oscar party from 2008.
325
00:10:57,850 --> 00:10:59,675
Do something bad but
blame it on Lena Dunham.
326
00:10:59,677 --> 00:11:01,797
- An adult gender reveal party.
- Just watch the movie
327
00:11:01,799 --> 00:11:04,039
- "Three Men and a Baby".
- Melissa McCarthy's menagerie.
328
00:11:04,063 --> 00:11:05,681
Prom, but we're the chaperones.
329
00:11:05,683 --> 00:11:07,725
Meet the ghost that lives
in Raven-Symoné's house.
330
00:11:07,727 --> 00:11:09,560
I could maybe go for a diet soda.
331
00:11:09,562 --> 00:11:11,895
Kathy, you are so basic, and you own it,
332
00:11:11,897 --> 00:11:13,564
which does not excuse it at all,
333
00:11:13,566 --> 00:11:15,399
but God if I don't respect you.
334
00:11:17,703 --> 00:11:19,486
What do you wanna hear
first, the good news,
335
00:11:19,488 --> 00:11:21,048
or the great news? Which is maybe worse
336
00:11:21,072 --> 00:11:22,906
but also better in,
like, the macro sense.
337
00:11:22,908 --> 00:11:25,028
- What are you talking about?
- So I had a little chat
338
00:11:25,052 --> 00:11:26,493
with the Staten Island contingent,
339
00:11:26,495 --> 00:11:28,203
and for a very small concession,
340
00:11:28,205 --> 00:11:30,080
they are willing to
vote "yes" on your bill.
341
00:11:30,082 --> 00:11:32,041
- Your boy came through!
- What?
342
00:11:32,043 --> 00:11:33,316
Wait, what do they want?
343
00:11:33,318 --> 00:11:34,418
Uh, they...
344
00:11:34,420 --> 00:11:35,753
Okay, they want your seat
345
00:11:35,755 --> 00:11:37,115
on the Cultural Affairs Committee.
346
00:11:37,139 --> 00:11:38,589
That's not so bad.
347
00:11:38,591 --> 00:11:40,674
We'd still get to be VIPs
at the dinosaur exhibit.
348
00:11:40,676 --> 00:11:43,218
- No, we wouldn't.
- Diana, get him out of here!
349
00:11:43,220 --> 00:11:45,180
I've always said he sucked!
I've always said that!
350
00:11:45,204 --> 00:11:47,598
Listen, you'll still get
a committee assignment.
351
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:49,360
They wanna give you a
seat on Vermin Control.
352
00:11:49,384 --> 00:11:50,601
I know it's not what you want,
353
00:11:50,603 --> 00:11:52,770
but they're doing some very
interesting things there.
354
00:11:52,772 --> 00:11:54,930
For example, did you know that
they're building these little
355
00:11:54,932 --> 00:11:57,232
rat-sized electric chairs and
then forcing the other rats
356
00:11:57,234 --> 00:11:58,776
to watch the execution as a deterrent?
357
00:11:58,778 --> 00:12:00,527
It's crazy.
358
00:12:00,529 --> 00:12:01,779
What?
359
00:12:01,781 --> 00:12:03,906
No, y-you can't actually
be considering this!
360
00:12:03,908 --> 00:12:06,067
My bill would help a lot of people.
361
00:12:06,069 --> 00:12:07,776
Okay, but how do you
know those guys aren't
362
00:12:07,778 --> 00:12:09,178
just saying they're gonna vote yes?
363
00:12:09,202 --> 00:12:10,621
They swore on a copy of
364
00:12:10,623 --> 00:12:12,748
"Enter the Wu-Tang".
365
00:12:12,750 --> 00:12:14,124
The Bible of Staten Island.
366
00:12:15,628 --> 00:12:17,544
One room temperature diet soda?
367
00:12:17,546 --> 00:12:18,771
Oh, you can just put it down.
368
00:12:18,773 --> 00:12:22,091
I like to wait until all
the bubbles go away.
369
00:12:22,093 --> 00:12:25,635
Ooh, I love this nail color.
What do you call it?
370
00:12:25,637 --> 00:12:26,637
- Clear.
- Oh.
371
00:12:26,639 --> 00:12:28,472
This is lavender oil.
372
00:12:28,474 --> 00:12:31,141
Gwyneth Paltrow says that it
encourages wise decision making
373
00:12:31,143 --> 00:12:33,644
or strengthens your vagina,
I'm not sure which, but, uh,
374
00:12:33,646 --> 00:12:35,086
hey, have you made up your mind yet?
375
00:12:35,110 --> 00:12:36,146
You know what?
376
00:12:36,148 --> 00:12:40,651
You people have been so nice to me...
377
00:12:40,653 --> 00:12:42,611
Give me that form.
378
00:12:42,613 --> 00:12:43,679
We got a yes!
379
00:12:43,681 --> 00:12:46,193
Kathy, I could kiss you on the mouth
if it weren't for several factors
380
00:12:46,217 --> 00:12:47,491
that we're all keenly aware of.
381
00:12:47,493 --> 00:12:49,827
Oh, dear, they don't seem to
have my party listed here.
382
00:12:49,829 --> 00:12:51,429
That's okay, you can just write one in.
383
00:12:51,453 --> 00:12:52,461
- Yeah.
- Oh.
384
00:12:55,292 --> 00:12:59,920
Thank you all so much for a lovely day.
385
00:12:59,922 --> 00:13:02,172
Maybe I'll see you at the ballot box!
386
00:13:02,174 --> 00:13:06,093
Yes. Yes! And thank you, Kathy.
387
00:13:06,095 --> 00:13:10,681
We will see you at the primary
for the "American Nazi Party"!
388
00:13:10,683 --> 00:13:12,808
Oh.
389
00:13:12,810 --> 00:13:14,935
Okay, next matter before the committee
390
00:13:14,937 --> 00:13:17,521
is the Local Resident Voting Rights Act
391
00:13:17,523 --> 00:13:19,648
put forth by Councilwoman Diana Barea.
392
00:13:19,650 --> 00:13:20,941
This is it, this is your bill!
393
00:13:20,943 --> 00:13:23,343
It's gonna change the face of
New York City politics forever.
394
00:13:23,367 --> 00:13:25,334
Okay, all those in favor?
395
00:13:26,198 --> 00:13:29,116
And those opposed?
396
00:13:29,118 --> 00:13:32,202
Three ayes, four nays. Motion
fails. Meeting adjourned.
397
00:13:32,204 --> 00:13:33,954
- What just happened?
- Wait, I don't know.
398
00:13:33,956 --> 00:13:36,540
Healy and Bannerman
switched their votes to "no".
399
00:13:36,542 --> 00:13:38,876
They were definite "yeses".
I don't understand.
400
00:13:38,878 --> 00:13:41,211
Hey. What's going on? We had a deal.
401
00:13:41,213 --> 00:13:42,880
Which we stuck to.
402
00:13:42,882 --> 00:13:44,362
We all voted "yes. It's not our fault
403
00:13:44,364 --> 00:13:45,884
that some of the other council members
404
00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:47,718
happen to be huge dinosaur fans.
405
00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:49,219
What's their favorite dinosaur?
406
00:13:49,221 --> 00:13:51,054
Because it can't be
Stegosaurus, that's mine.
407
00:13:51,056 --> 00:13:52,223
That's Brady's favorite!
408
00:13:52,225 --> 00:13:54,183
You gave up the Cultural
Affairs seat in exchange
409
00:13:54,185 --> 00:13:55,225
for a "no" vote.
410
00:13:55,227 --> 00:13:56,560
You killed the bill. Why?
411
00:13:56,562 --> 00:13:57,842
'Cause we don't like you, Modi.
412
00:13:57,866 --> 00:13:59,688
You have some nerve
walkin' into our office
413
00:13:59,690 --> 00:14:02,191
thinking you can charm us
into doing your bidding.
414
00:14:02,193 --> 00:14:04,067
- You're no Mike Sorrentino.
- Who?
415
00:14:04,069 --> 00:14:06,195
The Situation. Know your
Staten Island history.
416
00:14:06,197 --> 00:14:07,738
You're a joke, Modi.
417
00:14:07,740 --> 00:14:09,573
You always have been,
you always will be.
418
00:14:09,575 --> 00:14:11,074
You can act all high and mighty
419
00:14:11,076 --> 00:14:12,910
and claim you're trying to help people,
420
00:14:12,912 --> 00:14:15,913
but you're always gonna be that
guy who barfed his guts out
421
00:14:15,915 --> 00:14:18,373
all over a subpar New York highway.
422
00:14:18,375 --> 00:14:20,709
Why don't you try pukin'
on a good road next time?
423
00:14:20,711 --> 00:14:22,669
Like the West Shore Expressway.
424
00:14:22,671 --> 00:14:25,714
12 miles, straight to a landfill, baby.
425
00:14:28,093 --> 00:14:30,344
Oh, man.
426
00:14:30,346 --> 00:14:33,680
I'm, uh... I'm really sorry.
427
00:14:33,682 --> 00:14:35,265
I shouldn't have tried to help you.
428
00:14:35,267 --> 00:14:37,818
Yeah, you really shouldn't have.
429
00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:46,901
All that work and we only registered
430
00:14:46,903 --> 00:14:47,903
four people and a Nazi.
431
00:14:47,905 --> 00:14:48,937
This is a lost cause.
432
00:14:48,939 --> 00:14:50,739
It's like when I tried
to get the catchphrase,
433
00:14:50,741 --> 00:14:51,798
- "Hakim-ing it real" going.
- Mm-mm.
434
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:53,440
Actually, no, it's not like that at all.
435
00:14:53,464 --> 00:14:55,410
It's a good catchphrase!
You guys are all wrong.
436
00:14:55,412 --> 00:14:56,972
We can't even vote and we're out there
437
00:14:56,996 --> 00:14:59,206
begging people to care
about their democracy!
438
00:14:59,208 --> 00:15:01,448
If it doesn't matter to them,
why should it matter to us?
439
00:15:01,472 --> 00:15:02,960
You two were right not to care.
440
00:15:02,962 --> 00:15:04,294
I'm gonna go get my flat iron.
441
00:15:04,296 --> 00:15:06,630
I'll get mine too.
442
00:15:06,632 --> 00:15:07,681
I deserve it.
443
00:15:10,970 --> 00:15:12,427
Why doesn't this feel good?
444
00:15:12,429 --> 00:15:13,637
We got everything we wanted
445
00:15:13,639 --> 00:15:15,119
and I don't feel the least bit horny.
446
00:15:15,143 --> 00:15:17,307
I feel sad
447
00:15:17,309 --> 00:15:19,309
for other people?
448
00:15:19,311 --> 00:15:21,144
Why can't I think about myself?
449
00:15:21,146 --> 00:15:22,786
Is this one of those
symptoms of a stroke?
450
00:15:22,810 --> 00:15:24,982
- Oh, my God.
- What's happening?
451
00:15:24,984 --> 00:15:27,943
I know you're feeling
pretty bad right now, but
452
00:15:27,945 --> 00:15:30,279
I just want you to know
that when I started talking,
453
00:15:30,281 --> 00:15:32,781
I thought that maybe I'd
arrive at something uplifting
454
00:15:32,783 --> 00:15:36,451
to say by this moment,
but it is really not coming.
455
00:15:36,453 --> 00:15:38,412
And I'm trying... I'm
trying to push through it.
456
00:15:38,414 --> 00:15:42,833
Here comes something. Three, two, one...
457
00:15:42,835 --> 00:15:45,168
Nope, not there.
458
00:15:45,170 --> 00:15:46,170
So...
459
00:15:46,172 --> 00:15:49,256
Yeah. Hope that helps.
460
00:15:49,258 --> 00:15:52,009
Yeah, well, there's nothing to say.
461
00:15:52,011 --> 00:15:53,802
Sweet! Nailed it.
462
00:15:53,804 --> 00:15:55,679
Those guys are right, I'm a total joke.
463
00:15:55,681 --> 00:15:57,806
I should've just gone on
"Dancing with the Stars".
464
00:15:57,808 --> 00:15:59,182
They're casting literal monsters,
465
00:15:59,184 --> 00:16:01,268
not even likable ones.
466
00:16:01,270 --> 00:16:04,021
Garrett, you don't have
nearly enough coordination
467
00:16:04,023 --> 00:16:05,355
to dance on that show.
468
00:16:05,357 --> 00:16:07,357
You move like you just bought your body.
469
00:16:07,359 --> 00:16:09,159
You know, sometimes I
think about everything
470
00:16:09,161 --> 00:16:10,761
you guys had to go through to come here,
471
00:16:10,785 --> 00:16:13,322
and how hard you're working
to stay, and I just think
472
00:16:13,324 --> 00:16:15,490
you'd be so much better
off if you never met me.
473
00:16:15,492 --> 00:16:17,033
I mean, I've done literally nothing
474
00:16:17,035 --> 00:16:18,075
to make your lives better.
475
00:16:18,099 --> 00:16:19,286
That is not true.
476
00:16:19,288 --> 00:16:21,038
That one time,
477
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:24,458
you found a hair in our nachos,
so we got them for free.
478
00:16:24,460 --> 00:16:26,820
No matter how hard I try, I'm
just always gonna be the guy
479
00:16:26,844 --> 00:16:29,171
that puked on the BQE.
480
00:16:29,173 --> 00:16:32,007
Maybe it's time I accept that.
481
00:16:32,009 --> 00:16:34,176
Hey, I need to take a walk.
482
00:16:34,178 --> 00:16:35,185
Garrett, wait!
483
00:16:37,723 --> 00:16:39,848
No, nothing. Sorry, I... ah!
484
00:16:39,850 --> 00:16:41,890
I thought something would
just, like, kick in there.
485
00:16:41,914 --> 00:16:43,839
My bad.
486
00:16:52,196 --> 00:16:54,404
♪ Nobody told me ♪
487
00:16:54,406 --> 00:16:57,240
♪ To sit down and shut up ♪
488
00:16:57,242 --> 00:17:00,077
♪ And take this [...] slowly ♪
489
00:17:02,247 --> 00:17:05,248
♪ I'm so bad with attention ♪
490
00:17:05,250 --> 00:17:08,085
♪ So my good intentions ♪
491
00:17:08,087 --> 00:17:12,839
♪ Get bad when you hold me ♪
492
00:17:12,841 --> 00:17:16,175
♪ I get too tough on myself ♪
493
00:17:16,177 --> 00:17:17,177
What's all this?
494
00:17:17,179 --> 00:17:18,762
It's a "thank you" party
495
00:17:18,764 --> 00:17:19,997
for you guys.
496
00:17:19,999 --> 00:17:21,279
We saw you leave the bar earlier
497
00:17:21,303 --> 00:17:23,266
all apathetic and
detached, we thought, "No!
498
00:17:23,268 --> 00:17:26,061
No, that is our thing, and
it looks terrible on you".
499
00:17:26,063 --> 00:17:27,938
Yeah, our first thought was to sue you
500
00:17:27,940 --> 00:17:29,980
for attitude infringement,
but then our lawyers said
501
00:17:30,004 --> 00:17:31,525
you can't sue someone for that.
502
00:17:31,527 --> 00:17:33,487
And we realized that our
thing really only works
503
00:17:33,489 --> 00:17:35,770
when people like you are doing
your thing, which is, like,
504
00:17:35,794 --> 00:17:37,906
working hard and inspiring
people and caring,
505
00:17:37,908 --> 00:17:39,668
and you're doing it for
free, which is crazy!
506
00:17:39,692 --> 00:17:41,284
So don't let all these "no's"
507
00:17:41,286 --> 00:17:43,245
discourage you from
doing the right thing.
508
00:17:43,247 --> 00:17:46,373
Wow, you actually thought of
someone besides yourselves!
509
00:17:46,375 --> 00:17:48,792
Generosity's a nice look on you.
510
00:17:48,794 --> 00:17:50,544
Thanks for "Hakim-ing it real".
511
00:17:50,546 --> 00:17:52,129
See? It works, huh?
512
00:17:52,131 --> 00:17:53,491
You'll all be using it eventually.
513
00:17:53,515 --> 00:17:54,881
After one massage, I'll be ready
514
00:17:54,883 --> 00:17:56,216
to get back out on those streets
515
00:17:56,218 --> 00:17:57,926
with a big smile on my face and say,
516
00:17:57,928 --> 00:17:59,469
"Attention, public masturbators,
517
00:17:59,471 --> 00:18:01,096
pull your pants up and go vote".
518
00:18:01,098 --> 00:18:02,306
Guys, have you seen Garrett?
519
00:18:02,308 --> 00:18:04,074
He just seemed pretty down,
and I'm worried he's thinking
520
00:18:04,076 --> 00:18:05,100
about quitting the class.
521
00:18:05,102 --> 00:18:06,601
Did his life get worse? How?
522
00:18:06,603 --> 00:18:08,311
I think I found him.
523
00:18:08,313 --> 00:18:10,063
We are now receiving word that the man
524
00:18:10,065 --> 00:18:12,107
blocking the Brooklyn Queens Expressway
525
00:18:12,109 --> 00:18:14,484
is former councilman Garret Modi.
526
00:18:14,486 --> 00:18:16,620
We gotta go.
527
00:18:21,180 --> 00:18:23,493
Everybody, back off! I
just wanna say one thing.
528
00:18:23,495 --> 00:18:25,162
I got elected to serve
529
00:18:25,164 --> 00:18:27,831
this city 15 years ago.
530
00:18:27,833 --> 00:18:30,834
In that entire time,
I passed zero bills,
531
00:18:30,836 --> 00:18:32,961
attended zero committee meetings,
532
00:18:32,963 --> 00:18:34,588
and sat in on one public hearing,
533
00:18:34,590 --> 00:18:37,257
and that was only because
I'd spilled soup on my crotch
534
00:18:37,259 --> 00:18:39,009
and I was too embarrassed
to actually get up
535
00:18:39,011 --> 00:18:40,469
until everyone left.
536
00:18:40,471 --> 00:18:42,304
When I was in office, I didn't care.
537
00:18:42,306 --> 00:18:44,347
About anything.
538
00:18:44,349 --> 00:18:46,016
But then, I met some people
539
00:18:46,018 --> 00:18:49,144
who came to this country
from all over the world.
540
00:18:49,146 --> 00:18:51,646
And they had one thing in
common: they cared a lot.
541
00:18:51,648 --> 00:18:53,607
My councilwoman, who, by the way,
542
00:18:53,609 --> 00:18:55,317
is way better than I ever was...
543
00:18:55,319 --> 00:18:56,443
You're all a bunch of idiots
544
00:18:56,445 --> 00:18:58,111
for reelecting me so many times...
545
00:18:58,113 --> 00:19:00,197
She wrote a bill
546
00:19:00,199 --> 00:19:04,201
that helps give immigrants
a voice in our society,
547
00:19:04,203 --> 00:19:05,535
and I may have killed it
548
00:19:05,537 --> 00:19:08,205
because I'm an even bigger
idiot than all of you.
549
00:19:08,207 --> 00:19:12,876
Guys, my friends aren't
looking for special rights.
550
00:19:12,878 --> 00:19:14,961
They're just looking for equal rights.
551
00:19:14,963 --> 00:19:17,172
So this shouldn't be their issue.
552
00:19:17,174 --> 00:19:20,050
It should be everyone's issue.
553
00:19:20,052 --> 00:19:22,552
Democracy only works
554
00:19:22,554 --> 00:19:25,889
when all of us actually
care enough to make it work.
555
00:19:25,891 --> 00:19:30,393
Because not caring helps no one.
556
00:19:33,866 --> 00:19:35,299
Hey, you're the guy from last time!
557
00:19:35,301 --> 00:19:37,301
- Yeah, you remembered.
- Yeah, how you doin', man?
558
00:19:37,303 --> 00:19:38,635
Not bad, wife's pregnant again.
559
00:19:38,637 --> 00:19:40,028
Hey, congratulations!
560
00:19:40,030 --> 00:19:41,430
Emma's gonna be a great big sister.
561
00:19:41,454 --> 00:19:42,505
Yeah, get in the car.
562
00:19:44,910 --> 00:19:46,243
- Oh, hey, Garrett!
- Hey.
563
00:19:46,245 --> 00:19:47,995
Oh! Oh, my goodness, I was so worried.
564
00:19:47,997 --> 00:19:50,163
Oh, but then I thought, you
know, you sleep on a couch,
565
00:19:50,165 --> 00:19:51,565
so jail must be an upgrade for you.
566
00:19:51,589 --> 00:19:52,592
You guys bailed me out?
567
00:19:52,594 --> 00:19:54,384
Yeah, we're doing this
new good deeds thing,
568
00:19:54,386 --> 00:19:55,510
but don't get used to it.
569
00:19:55,512 --> 00:19:58,088
We're proud of you. Thank
you for fighting for us.
570
00:19:58,090 --> 00:20:01,258
You know what? Your honesty
inspired me to be honest.
571
00:20:01,260 --> 00:20:04,094
I love dinosaurs, and I
don't care who knows!
572
00:20:04,096 --> 00:20:06,221
Listen, your speech really
got people fired up.
573
00:20:06,223 --> 00:20:08,098
My phone has been ringing off the hook.
574
00:20:08,100 --> 00:20:09,867
Hoping I can use that momentum
575
00:20:09,869 --> 00:20:11,284
to get more support for the bill.
576
00:20:11,286 --> 00:20:12,602
That's awesome!
577
00:20:12,604 --> 00:20:14,604
I have to say, over
the last six months...
578
00:20:14,606 --> 00:20:17,107
We already heard the speech.
Can we just get a drink?
579
00:20:17,109 --> 00:20:19,109
Thanks for keeping me humble, guys.
580
00:20:19,111 --> 00:20:20,277
You know, humility...
581
00:20:21,738 --> 00:20:24,248
- Come on!
- Lethal injection!
582
00:20:25,701 --> 00:20:27,284
It's the truth.
583
00:20:27,286 --> 00:20:28,952
I threw up everywhere, it's true.
584
00:20:28,954 --> 00:20:31,121
It's done. I feel like Thomas Jefferson
585
00:20:31,123 --> 00:20:32,706
when he built the "Mona Lisa"!
586
00:20:32,708 --> 00:20:35,417
What? You guys know I paid
people to go to school for me.
587
00:20:35,419 --> 00:20:39,212
May we present Griselda's new hair!
588
00:20:39,214 --> 00:20:40,255
Featuring Griselda.
589
00:20:42,301 --> 00:20:43,466
♪ A woman don't cry ♪
590
00:20:44,553 --> 00:20:46,303
- Ooh!
- Oh.
591
00:20:46,305 --> 00:20:49,431
- Oh.
- Whoa!
592
00:20:49,433 --> 00:20:51,391
You look like Rapunzel!
593
00:20:51,393 --> 00:20:52,976
I mean, Hulk Hogan.
594
00:20:52,978 --> 00:20:54,102
Well, I'm glad you like it.
595
00:20:54,104 --> 00:20:56,751
For me, it's especially gross 'cause
I know what's on these floors.
596
00:20:56,775 --> 00:20:57,981
Wait, this is all your hair?
597
00:20:57,983 --> 00:21:00,483
Mr. Modi? Hi, I'm Andy. This is Monica.
598
00:21:00,485 --> 00:21:01,776
Can we speak with you for a sec?
599
00:21:01,778 --> 00:21:03,653
- Sure.
- What you did out there
600
00:21:03,655 --> 00:21:05,989
was nothing short of incredible.
601
00:21:05,991 --> 00:21:08,742
You were giving off
major early Beto vibes,
602
00:21:08,744 --> 00:21:11,077
back when everybody was
like, "Ooh, that guy!"
603
00:21:11,079 --> 00:21:12,879
But before everyone was
like, "Ugh, that guy".
604
00:21:12,881 --> 00:21:14,441
We heard about the work you were doing
605
00:21:14,465 --> 00:21:15,665
with your citizenship class.
606
00:21:15,667 --> 00:21:17,667
It's an incredible story
of self-reinvention.
607
00:21:17,669 --> 00:21:19,302
Oh. Thank you very much.
608
00:21:19,304 --> 00:21:20,445
Wait a second, are you guys
609
00:21:20,447 --> 00:21:22,130
trying to sell me a copy of "Dianetics"?
610
00:21:22,132 --> 00:21:24,466
No. We're political consultants.
611
00:21:24,468 --> 00:21:27,093
We think your message really
has the potential to land
612
00:21:27,095 --> 00:21:29,596
with our post-Gen-Y
pre-Zoomer centennials.
613
00:21:29,598 --> 00:21:31,598
Wait, what are you saying?
614
00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:34,684
We want you to run for office.
615
00:21:35,163 --> 00:21:41,163
Sync & corrections by Costa Dax
www.addic7ed.com