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-♪ Look up there ♪
-♪ What do you see? ♪
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♪ Nature and stuff ♪
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-♪ Like a rock ♪
-♪ And a tree ♪
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♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
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♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪
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♪ Catch some fish ♪
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♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪
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♪ Wow ♪
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♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
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♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪
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♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
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♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪
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♪ In the Great North. ♪
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(cheering)
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Welcome aboard
the Death Moose Caboose.
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Now departing for a traditional
weekend "Log and Hog."
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First stop, the Log Museum,
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followed by gorging
all-we-can-gorge
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at the Gluttony Gulch Buffet.
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HONEYBEE:
Now, why do they call the area
we're going to Death Moose?
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Are there dead moose everywhere?
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Wait, am I saying that right?
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Is "moose" plural?
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Mooses seems very wrong. Mooses.
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Mooses. Mooses.
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It's only named that
because it's exactly halfway
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between Death Cliff
and Lone Moose.
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It's a small strip of basically
abandoned roadside shops
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set back and hidden by trees.
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And if you didn't already know
it was there,
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you would never find it.
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That's why it's so perfect
because we usually get
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Gluttony Gulch Buffet
all to ourselves.
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That way no one has to witness
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how gross we all are at buffets,
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because we are monsters.
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I'm gonna make myself so sick.
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Well, you won't get
any judgement from me
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about your buffet style.
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I know my way
around a smorgasbord.
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Look, look, look, look,
look, look, look.
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I lined my purse with tinfoil
for leftovers.
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I'm gonna fill
this thing up with lasagna
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and up here, crab rangoon.
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Before we fill our mouth holes
with buffet foods,
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let's fill our brain holes
with log knowledge.
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Oop. Here we go.
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Hello, logs.
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(snoring)
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Aw. He's asleep.
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Oh, sorry. (mutters)
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Hope I wasn't sawing logs.
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I could accidentally
ruin the museum.
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(both laughing)
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Oh, good, log jokes.
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Maybe I'll wait in the car.
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Well, and what do we have here?
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It's the Tobin twigs
and berries.
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That's not what...
That's not what that means.
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And, Horton,
may I introduce Honeybee.
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She's...
(imitating Borat): my wife.
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Ugh, babe, what did we say?
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(normal voice): Sorry,
to make sure I also say...
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(imitating Borat):
She's nice.
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(laughing) There it is.
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All right, we are ready
for some hardcore
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log museum-ing, right, gang?
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Oh, they-they walked away.
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Well, museum's all yours.
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Oh, and, Beef, make sure
you really savor today's visit.
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-Okay?
-I always do.
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Let's get a closer look-see
at this baby log-see.
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Oh, this twig's
got me under her spell.
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(chuckles) Uh-oh,
I feel a twig jig coming on.
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Clear the dance floor,
I'm gonna do my twig jig.
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(laughs) Oh. Nobody's looking
at me. I-I'm not gonna do it.
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Whee!
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(sighs) All of the thrills,
none of the moisture.
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These are... fun,
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-but is ChewBarka
missing an eye?
-HAM: Yeah.
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He used to have two,
but now I pretend he's winking.
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-Oh, wow, very...
-Don't worry, Honeybee,
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you don't have to pretend
to be interested in the logs.
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We're really
just here for these.
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Technically, each patron
is only allowed one
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chocolate-covered pretzel log
per visit,
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but if Mr. Horton
doesn't see you eat them...
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That dude just keeps
refilling the jar.
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Okay. Yeah, I'm in. These things
are my whole life now.
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Sorry the kids always eat
all your chocolate logs, Horton,
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and sorry they're not better
at hiding it.
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Ah, you know me, Beef,
I'm a pushover.
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Hard for me to say no
to anyone who loves my museum.
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What's not to enjoy?
I mean, come on, look at this.
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So many of the wood world's
brightest stars,
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including the
pièce de résistance,
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Cocobolo,
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the single most stunning log
in the world.
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It's like Mother Earth
made the oceans
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and the land and then thought,
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"You know what? I'm gonna make
something just for me,"
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and then someone chopped it up
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and brought it right here for us
to see with our unworthy eyes.
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I know how you feel
about the logs, Beef,
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and that's why it's so hard
for me to tell you that,
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well, I have to close
the museum.
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-You shut your filthy log hole.
-(yelps)
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Oh, sorry. Are you joking?
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Nope. My 50-year
ground lease is up,
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and the owner sold the literal
ground out from under me.
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This is our last week, Beef.
I'm sorry.
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I know how much this place
means to you.
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Horton, no, I'm not ready
to log off yet.
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(groans) I didn't mean
to be playful like that.
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I'm actually very upset.
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WOLF:
Look at him over there,
Honeybee.
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He's absolutely crushed
about the ding darn museum.
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Only getting soup at a buffet?
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It's the saddest thing
I can think of.
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They don't even serve soup.
That's just orange juice
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in a bowl. (sighs)
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I don't know what to do. I mean,
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he freaking loves
the Log Museum.
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Honestly, I'm not sure
if he'll be able
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to recover from losing it.
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I mean, losing Mom
was one thing, but logs?
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Um, Wolf, what, uh,
what're you doing there?
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This is how I make salad.
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Sweet baby cheeses,
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you really are
disgusting buffet people.
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Dad used to make me wear
buffet coveralls,
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so I have improved a little bit.
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Now, I got to add some crunch.
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Okay, strawberry soft serve,
macaroni and cheese,
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chicken nuggets, ketchup,
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now to stir them
all together and...
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Uh-oh, Debbie's here.
My friend who is also my bully.
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Should I say hi? Or just
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walk away very--
Oh, no, she saw me.
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Oh, no, I saw her...
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playing with a doll.
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RUSSELL:
Moon, what did you do?
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I saw Debbie playing
with a doll.
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Oh, God, and what's a pee punch?
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Oh, she's been developing that
for years.
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It's when she punches you in the
bladder and you pee yourself.
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Well, I'm sad it's happening,
but also glad
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that she hasn't developed
the poop punch.
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Oh, yeah, you should be,
'cause she told me she's close.
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Shall we retire to our
conference room, gentlemen,
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and figure out
how to get Moon into
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the pee punch
protection program?
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Okay, so this is very, very bad.
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There's no way
she's gonna back down.
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We all know what Debbie's like
when she gets embarrassed.
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Remember when her mom bought
her that Princess Pony lunchbox,
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and she filed for emancipation?
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Or the time she tripped
in the school entryway
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and had the whole school's
office staff
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arrested on bogus drug charges.
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We've always known this is the
game we were playing with her.
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She's already so embarrassed
just to have friends.
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Maybe you should tell
Judy and Ham.
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They could protect you.
They're big.
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No way. I'm not gonna
tattletale.
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Moon's right.
He can't tell anyone.
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I've seen this
kind of thing before,
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and it's only going to get worse
the more people he tells.
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Yeah, it's bad enough
that you both know.
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We absolutely cannot
tell anyone else.
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Everyone loves money.
Maybe you can just pay her off.
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I like it. Empty your pockets
and backpacks, gentlemen.
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Okay, looks like we have
ten dollars,
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00:06:02,437 --> 00:06:05,364
12 cents, and a 30% off coupon
for Fudgey Town
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00:06:05,591 --> 00:06:06,773
with a nice drawing
of Fudgey the Snail.
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I'm not allowed
to go there anymore.
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I ate some turned fudge once
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and then diarrhea-ed
so profoundly
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that they actually studied me
at the Anchorage Medical Center.
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I'm in a textbook.
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Pretty sure
this'll change her mind.
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Moon, you have to practice
what you're going to say.
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Just don't remind her
of the D-O-L-L.
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Keep it short and sweet, 'kay?
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Like when I text
my mom's boyfriend, Jamie,
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the smiley face emoji
with the sunglasses.
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It's just one cool guy saying,
"Hey, you're a cool guy,"
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to another cool guy.
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00:06:35,303 --> 00:06:38,471
Well, hello, Professor John Nash
from A Beautiful Mind.
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00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:40,624
You look rad as hell
with that calculator.
191
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I'm trying to figure out
how to save the Log Museum.
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00:06:43,629 --> 00:06:45,553
I started by looking into
how much it would cost
193
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to move the whole building
on one of those trucks.
194
00:06:47,799 --> 00:06:51,410
We could do it if we don't use
hot water for... ever,
195
00:06:51,561 --> 00:06:53,528
and also sell
the hot water heater
196
00:06:53,639 --> 00:06:55,989
and the van
and all of our furniture
197
00:06:56,141 --> 00:06:58,475
and the house. So...
198
00:06:58,493 --> 00:07:00,735
Dad, I know how much
you love the Log Museum,
199
00:07:00,829 --> 00:07:02,570
but sometimes
love just isn't enough.
200
00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:03,905
Mm-hmm. He's right, Beef.
201
00:07:03,999 --> 00:07:06,316
My neighbor Denise in Fresno
loved her boss so much
202
00:07:06,409 --> 00:07:08,075
she ended up getting fired
and herpes.
203
00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:09,076
You just need
204
00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:11,096
-to let it go.
-(sighs)
205
00:07:11,247 --> 00:07:13,080
Hey, what do you say
we take one more trip
206
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,916
over to Death Moose
to say goodbye?
207
00:07:14,993 --> 00:07:16,268
-I'd like that.
-Me, too.
208
00:07:16,419 --> 00:07:19,012
My esophagus is just a little
chocolate log flume now.
209
00:07:19,164 --> 00:07:20,272
MOON:
Hello, Debbie.
210
00:07:20,499 --> 00:07:22,423
What do you want, Elbow Face?
211
00:07:22,443 --> 00:07:24,609
Perhaps in exchange
for not beating me up,
212
00:07:24,761 --> 00:07:28,262
I could offer you these
ten dollars and this 12 cents.
213
00:07:28,356 --> 00:07:30,282
Would you like to accept
my proposal?
214
00:07:30,433 --> 00:07:31,524
(growls)
215
00:07:31,677 --> 00:07:34,344
And, um, just to be clear,
well, you know,
216
00:07:34,346 --> 00:07:37,013
I definitely didn't see anything
you were doing with dolls
217
00:07:37,106 --> 00:07:38,439
at Gluttony Gulch
in Death Moose.
218
00:07:38,459 --> 00:07:39,941
No, no, no, no.
219
00:07:40,035 --> 00:07:41,275
It didn't even look that much
220
00:07:41,295 --> 00:07:42,869
like you. I mean, maybe
you have a long lost
221
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:44,278
twin you've never met.
(laughs nervously)
222
00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:45,947
Did you ever go to summer camp?
223
00:07:46,041 --> 00:07:47,632
Oh, thanks for the money.
224
00:07:47,859 --> 00:07:50,543
Now I'll be even richer
when I pee punch you.
225
00:07:50,696 --> 00:07:52,787
Why did you keep talking?
We went over this.
226
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:55,548
I know, I know, I know,
but she didn't say anything,
227
00:07:55,701 --> 00:07:57,701
and I got nervous
and I just kept talking.
228
00:07:57,719 --> 00:08:00,220
When I get nervous,
my whole body smells like feet,
229
00:08:00,314 --> 00:08:03,464
but not my feet,
which is the weird part.
230
00:08:04,467 --> 00:08:06,151
There still has to be
a logical way out of this.
231
00:08:06,378 --> 00:08:07,727
-Let's brainstorm.
-Okay.
232
00:08:07,879 --> 00:08:10,380
Maybe we... Hm, I don't know,
paint your face green,
233
00:08:10,398 --> 00:08:12,232
bury you up to your neck
in my mom's garden,
234
00:08:12,326 --> 00:08:13,566
and pretend
you're a head of lettuce?
235
00:08:13,719 --> 00:08:15,494
Uh-huh, that's a good start.
I don't mind dirt.
236
00:08:15,645 --> 00:08:18,071
Maybe you can get a bigger bully
to scare her off.
237
00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:19,313
There are no bigger bullies.
238
00:08:19,333 --> 00:08:21,333
She's the tip-top
of the bully food chain.
239
00:08:21,484 --> 00:08:24,336
She's above high schoolers.
She's above Gargamel.
240
00:08:24,563 --> 00:08:26,654
Oh, I know. We can go
to Jamie's boxing gym and--
241
00:08:26,748 --> 00:08:29,749
Oh, shoot. I just remembered,
Jamie's in Salt Lake City
242
00:08:29,901 --> 00:08:31,325
for the Toot-A-Loo
Flute Festival.
243
00:08:31,494 --> 00:08:34,571
He said maybe next year
me and my mom and my brother
244
00:08:34,664 --> 00:08:37,164
could go with him,
and I could be his flute caddie.
245
00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:38,591
-Can you imagine?
-Levon!
246
00:08:38,668 --> 00:08:41,520
Stop pretending those dodgeballs
are your butt cheeks.
247
00:08:41,747 --> 00:08:43,688
Am I gonna have to send you
to the principal's office again?
248
00:08:43,915 --> 00:08:47,341
Oh, Robbie! Stop slow dancing
with the climbing rope.
249
00:08:47,361 --> 00:08:50,362
It's beautiful, but it's not
on the curriculum.
250
00:08:50,589 --> 00:08:51,421
-Huh.
-What?
251
00:08:51,439 --> 00:08:53,273
Coach Kiely was mad at Levon,
252
00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:54,849
but then Robbie
did something bad...
253
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,551
I see what you're getting at.
We just need to shift
254
00:08:56,611 --> 00:08:59,262
Debbie's anger for you
onto someone else.
255
00:08:59,281 --> 00:09:01,188
Yup. Then she'll be
more mad at them,
256
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:03,449
and she'll forget about
how mad she is at me.
257
00:09:03,618 --> 00:09:05,785
-Bravo. It's genius.
-RUSSELL: You guys want to see
258
00:09:05,937 --> 00:09:07,437
my flute caddie walk?
259
00:09:07,455 --> 00:09:09,289
(whistling)
260
00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:14,110
Hello, Horton. I won't be long.
I just wanted to say goodbye.
261
00:09:14,203 --> 00:09:15,870
Course, Beef. I understand.
262
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,556
And, Beef, no rules today.
263
00:09:17,783 --> 00:09:19,206
If you want to touch
the cocobolo log,
264
00:09:19,301 --> 00:09:20,466
I'll turn the other way.
265
00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:22,468
Do you want me to put on
white gloves first?
266
00:09:22,621 --> 00:09:24,954
I keep some in the car
in case this day ever came.
267
00:09:24,973 --> 00:09:26,898
No, Beef, not necessary.
268
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:29,717
Hello, handsome.
269
00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,218
Oh, sweet Suddenly Susan,
270
00:09:31,313 --> 00:09:34,406
it's so smooth,
naturally oily to the touch,
271
00:09:34,633 --> 00:09:36,908
which of course is common
for the tropical hardwoods
272
00:09:37,060 --> 00:09:39,135
of Central America. The grain...
273
00:09:39,228 --> 00:09:41,729
It's perfect. (gasps)
274
00:09:41,898 --> 00:09:43,473
Logs. Of course.
275
00:09:43,566 --> 00:09:46,810
(chuckles) You knew how
to save yourselves all along.
276
00:09:46,828 --> 00:09:48,753
Honeybee, Wolf, Horton,
come here!
277
00:09:48,980 --> 00:09:51,072
Look, the stone blocks
for the pyramids
278
00:09:51,166 --> 00:09:52,924
were too heavy to move by hand,
279
00:09:53,076 --> 00:09:55,168
so they rolled them on logs.
280
00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:58,488
We can't keep the museum on
the land it currently rests on,
281
00:09:58,581 --> 00:10:00,599
but we can save
the museum itself
282
00:10:00,750 --> 00:10:03,343
by moving it to our property.
283
00:10:03,495 --> 00:10:04,327
Aw, well...
284
00:10:04,346 --> 00:10:05,920
-Uh...
-It can stay rent-free
285
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,272
and remain open for everyone.
286
00:10:07,423 --> 00:10:10,108
And I can visit Coco
whenever I want.
287
00:10:10,293 --> 00:10:12,018
Do you hear that, Coco?.
You're safe now.
288
00:10:12,170 --> 00:10:14,003
Beef, I'm not really sure
that's a...
289
00:10:14,097 --> 00:10:15,188
I know it seems complicated,
290
00:10:15,340 --> 00:10:16,506
but I'll figure
the whole thing out.
291
00:10:16,599 --> 00:10:18,283
We'll do it exactly
like they did back then.
292
00:10:18,468 --> 00:10:20,434
Sick plan, Dad. Count us in.
293
00:10:20,528 --> 00:10:22,695
And, Horton, you keep
those chocolate logs coming.
294
00:10:22,864 --> 00:10:24,013
We're gonna need our strength.
295
00:10:24,032 --> 00:10:25,123
Okay, guys,
296
00:10:25,274 --> 00:10:27,459
every time Ms. McNamara
supervises lunch,
297
00:10:27,610 --> 00:10:28,852
she walks the cafeteria
298
00:10:28,870 --> 00:10:30,277
eating her raspberry
and cottage cheese
299
00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:32,464
mix-'em-up cup.
At exactly the right moment,
300
00:10:32,691 --> 00:10:35,041
I'm going to trip her, in a very
safe, but very effective way,
301
00:10:35,193 --> 00:10:38,285
so that she spills her raspberry
cottage cheese all over Debbie.
302
00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:39,954
That way, Debbie's anger for me
303
00:10:40,048 --> 00:10:42,715
will move over to Ms. McNamara,
but lucky for her,
304
00:10:42,868 --> 00:10:44,809
she's an adult
and can't be beaten up.
305
00:10:44,961 --> 00:10:46,219
And then my problem is solved.
306
00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:47,720
Okay, but what if you miss?
307
00:10:47,873 --> 00:10:49,147
I won't miss, Henry.
308
00:10:49,298 --> 00:10:51,483
This isn't my first
staged tripping.
309
00:10:51,634 --> 00:10:52,984
Go time.
310
00:10:54,212 --> 00:10:55,136
Ah!
311
00:10:55,230 --> 00:10:58,047
(gasps) Oh, my God.
You are dead.
312
00:10:58,066 --> 00:11:01,217
Debbie. Oh, no. Oh,
I am so, so, so sorry, Debbie.
313
00:11:01,236 --> 00:11:02,735
I don't know what happened.
An apple
314
00:11:02,888 --> 00:11:04,996
rolled under my foot somehow,
and-- Oh, here. Oh, my gosh,
315
00:11:05,073 --> 00:11:06,164
let me just clean you up.
316
00:11:06,391 --> 00:11:07,557
-Oh, no, no, no, no.
-Ms. McNamara,
317
00:11:07,575 --> 00:11:08,983
don't worry at all.
318
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,060
Everyone makes mistakes.
Maybe, if you could be so kind,
319
00:11:11,079 --> 00:11:12,729
you could get me
some paper towels
320
00:11:12,747 --> 00:11:14,005
-from the janitor's closet?
-Oh, yes. Thank you.
321
00:11:14,232 --> 00:11:16,157
Thank you, Debbie. Of course.
Everyone out of my way.
322
00:11:16,251 --> 00:11:18,418
-Debbie needs paper towels.
-Hi, Moon.
323
00:11:18,512 --> 00:11:20,570
Interesting tactic.
324
00:11:20,663 --> 00:11:23,014
Get me mad at someone else,
so I'll forget about you.
325
00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:24,741
I respect it,
but it didn't work.
326
00:11:24,759 --> 00:11:26,743
Oh, and just a quick update
on what's up with me,
327
00:11:26,836 --> 00:11:30,096
my research on the poop punch
has finally paid off.
328
00:11:30,248 --> 00:11:31,672
-(groans)
-Okay, new idea,
329
00:11:31,692 --> 00:11:34,175
we slather you in Vaseline,
so you're too slippery to fight,
330
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:35,435
and if she still
keeps coming after you,
331
00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:37,362
then we just slide you
right into the ocean.
332
00:11:40,442 --> 00:11:42,608
Oh, Moon, great.
You're just in time.
333
00:11:42,703 --> 00:11:44,110
We're about to begin.
Come on, grab a seat.
334
00:11:44,262 --> 00:11:45,870
Sorry, Dad,
no time for sitting.
335
00:11:46,097 --> 00:11:47,597
I've got a prob... ject,
336
00:11:47,615 --> 00:11:50,116
school probject
I need to work on tonight.
337
00:11:50,268 --> 00:11:52,952
Say no more.
From one projecteur to another,
338
00:11:53,104 --> 00:11:55,196
I wish you luck.
339
00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:57,106
You two know
about this probject?
340
00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:58,365
Yeah, we know about it.
341
00:11:58,460 --> 00:12:00,443
We're currently
monitoring it from afar.
342
00:12:00,462 --> 00:12:01,611
Listen, when another girl
threatens to punch
343
00:12:01,629 --> 00:12:03,204
your little brother,
it's best to let him
344
00:12:03,298 --> 00:12:04,797
try to work it out
before getting involved.
345
00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:07,467
Especially when you yourself
are afraid of said girl.
346
00:12:07,619 --> 00:12:08,393
-Debbie?
-Debbie.
347
00:12:08,620 --> 00:12:09,543
Understood.
348
00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:11,212
Now, let's get down
to brass logs.
349
00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:13,122
I have created a foolproof plan
350
00:12:13,141 --> 00:12:16,309
of how to move the Log Museum
here to our property,
351
00:12:16,461 --> 00:12:18,219
where it will be
conveniently located
352
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:19,312
near the family cemetery.
353
00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:21,222
I want our ancestors' spirits
354
00:12:21,299 --> 00:12:22,465
to be able to enjoy the logs.
355
00:12:22,484 --> 00:12:24,558
Okay, but if I see
any ghostly Tobins
356
00:12:24,652 --> 00:12:26,970
near my chocolate pretzels,
I will kill them again.
357
00:12:26,988 --> 00:12:28,562
Now, first things first.
358
00:12:28,656 --> 00:12:31,082
Junkyard Kyle has kindly agreed
to raise the museum structure
359
00:12:31,234 --> 00:12:32,900
and put it on cinder blocks
in exchange
360
00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:35,661
for a gallon of vape juice,
two old coffee makers,
361
00:12:35,738 --> 00:12:38,147
and Wolf's half-shirt
that says, "Who Farted?"
362
00:12:38,166 --> 00:12:39,482
Oh, I'm gonna miss that shirt,
363
00:12:39,501 --> 00:12:42,001
but I got a tank top
that says "Fart Loading"
364
00:12:42,170 --> 00:12:43,410
ready to take its place.
365
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:45,764
And then, we'll attach
the tether apparatus
366
00:12:45,991 --> 00:12:49,267
around the museum and
to the back of the family van.
367
00:12:49,418 --> 00:12:50,918
I'll pull the museum forward,
368
00:12:51,012 --> 00:12:53,938
and as it passes over
each log in the rear,
369
00:12:54,165 --> 00:12:55,348
you guys will lift said log
370
00:12:55,500 --> 00:12:57,667
and move it to the front
of the other log.
371
00:12:57,760 --> 00:12:59,502
And, of course,
this must all be done
372
00:12:59,521 --> 00:13:02,113
in the dead of night when there
won't be any cars on the roads.
373
00:13:02,265 --> 00:13:04,282
Now, I'm usually not one
to be tooting horns,
374
00:13:04,509 --> 00:13:08,102
but, uh, a-tooty-too-toot,
this plan is perfection.
375
00:13:08,196 --> 00:13:09,436
What else can we roll over here?
376
00:13:09,531 --> 00:13:11,623
Can we get a Dave & Busters
on the premises?
377
00:13:13,627 --> 00:13:15,018
Oh, boy.
378
00:13:15,036 --> 00:13:16,686
Hey, Moon, um...
379
00:13:16,704 --> 00:13:20,948
So... I may have inadvertently
fixed your Debbie problem.
380
00:13:21,042 --> 00:13:22,133
Really? How?
381
00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:23,468
Well, you know how I do
382
00:13:23,619 --> 00:13:25,452
my weekly check-ins
with Principal Gibbons
383
00:13:25,588 --> 00:13:27,880
because I'm head
of the Junior Janitors?
384
00:13:28,033 --> 00:13:29,290
-Yeah.
-Well...
385
00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:31,551
I may have been doing
that weekly check-in
386
00:13:31,703 --> 00:13:33,886
and everything about Debbie
may have kind of
387
00:13:33,980 --> 00:13:35,721
totally accidentally
come spilling out.
388
00:13:35,874 --> 00:13:36,889
You ratted?
389
00:13:37,042 --> 00:13:38,799
GIBBONS (over P.A.):
Will Moon Tobin
390
00:13:38,968 --> 00:13:40,301
and Debbie Van please come
to the principal's office.
391
00:13:40,395 --> 00:13:42,061
Would you be less mad
if I told you
392
00:13:42,213 --> 00:13:44,489
he has Andes after-dinner mints
on his desk this week?
393
00:13:44,716 --> 00:13:46,732
No? Okay, bye. (whimpers)
394
00:13:46,885 --> 00:13:48,384
Now, Debbie, what is this I hear
395
00:13:48,553 --> 00:13:51,312
about you saying you're gonna
beat up Moon on Friday?
396
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:55,224
Oh, yeah, I did say that,
but it's because I...
397
00:13:55,243 --> 00:13:56,726
-have a crush on him.
-GIBBONS: Oh.
398
00:13:56,744 --> 00:14:00,063
Of course, yes.
Romantic feelings at your age
399
00:14:00,081 --> 00:14:01,747
can be very confusing.
400
00:14:01,824 --> 00:14:03,824
Yeah. Totally. So sorry.
401
00:14:03,918 --> 00:14:06,419
Moon, would you like
to share anything?
402
00:14:06,537 --> 00:14:10,073
-Mm-mm.
-Well, feeling shy
is also perfectly normal.
403
00:14:10,091 --> 00:14:11,741
You guys can head back to class.
404
00:14:11,759 --> 00:14:14,077
Thank you so much.
I've sure learned my lesson.
405
00:14:14,095 --> 00:14:15,687
-And, Moon.
-Yeah?
406
00:14:15,838 --> 00:14:18,672
Take it easy on Debbie, okay?
She's in new territory here.
407
00:14:18,808 --> 00:14:21,100
Yup, I'll take it easy
on Debbie.
408
00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:22,268
Sure thing.
409
00:14:22,420 --> 00:14:24,604
-(gasps)
-You listen to me, Pajanimal,
410
00:14:24,698 --> 00:14:27,256
you messed up big time
trying to get me in trouble.
411
00:14:27,350 --> 00:14:29,442
It wasn't me. Russell
told Principal Gibbons...
412
00:14:29,594 --> 00:14:31,611
Well, your plan backfired
because now
413
00:14:31,705 --> 00:14:34,447
I'm going to do a pee punch
and a double poop punch.
414
00:14:34,599 --> 00:14:36,374
So, first,
you'll pee out the front.
415
00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:38,859
Then you'll poop out the back.
Then you'll poop out the front.
416
00:14:38,879 --> 00:14:41,880
(gasps) That's not possible.
417
00:14:42,107 --> 00:14:45,291
A pee pee. A poo poo. A poo poo.
418
00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:46,275
(sighs)
419
00:14:46,369 --> 00:14:48,444
All right, time to figure out
420
00:14:48,537 --> 00:14:51,114
how to sneak into
the wheel well of a 747.
421
00:14:51,132 --> 00:14:53,540
Hey, Moon, how's the, uh...
422
00:14:53,635 --> 00:14:56,636
school project coming? Uh...
423
00:14:56,730 --> 00:14:58,396
You know, son,
if I didn't know any better,
424
00:14:58,623 --> 00:15:01,382
I'd swear that you've attempted
to change your appearance
425
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:03,142
and are now planning
to go on the lam
426
00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:05,144
so that a certain frenemy
doesn't punch you.
427
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,906
Great guess,
but don't try to stop me.
428
00:15:08,057 --> 00:15:09,148
This is the only way now.
429
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:10,816
Well, I'm sure you're right.
430
00:15:10,911 --> 00:15:12,577
Do you have everything packed
that you need?
431
00:15:12,728 --> 00:15:15,154
Yup, just need to burn off
my fingerprints
432
00:15:15,306 --> 00:15:16,563
and eat my SIM card.
433
00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:18,307
Wonderful. Now,
before you run away
434
00:15:18,401 --> 00:15:20,977
and live a life of adventure
walking the highway
435
00:15:21,070 --> 00:15:22,569
and hustling pinball
at truck stops,
436
00:15:22,664 --> 00:15:24,497
I wonder if you can just
take one more look
437
00:15:24,573 --> 00:15:26,499
at your problem
from a different angle.
438
00:15:26,651 --> 00:15:29,427
You might find the answer
is closer than you think.
439
00:15:29,578 --> 00:15:31,745
Like, no one was threatening
to beat me up this week,
440
00:15:31,765 --> 00:15:33,322
but my heart felt beat up
441
00:15:33,341 --> 00:15:35,174
about the Log Museum closing.
442
00:15:35,326 --> 00:15:36,993
My problem was logs,
443
00:15:37,011 --> 00:15:39,270
and it turned out
my solution was also logs.
444
00:15:39,497 --> 00:15:41,422
Maybe your solution
is right in front of you,
445
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:42,756
and you just don't know it.
446
00:15:42,850 --> 00:15:45,017
So, give it a think
before you head out and never
447
00:15:45,170 --> 00:15:46,669
see us again, okay, bud?
448
00:15:46,762 --> 00:15:48,838
Hm... My problem is Debbie.
449
00:15:48,898 --> 00:15:51,190
Maybe my solution
is also Debbie.
450
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:54,268
Dad, is it okay if I walk over
to the Van's house?
451
00:15:54,362 --> 00:15:56,788
Sure, just take
the emergency phone
452
00:15:56,864 --> 00:15:57,938
and stay on the path.
453
00:15:58,032 --> 00:15:59,123
I carved that path.
454
00:15:59,350 --> 00:16:01,542
I'm not gonna abandon it now.
455
00:16:02,537 --> 00:16:04,629
Hello, Debbie's mom.
456
00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:10,392
Hi, Moon. I'm sorry,
but Debbie isn't here right now.
457
00:16:10,394 --> 00:16:12,453
She's at the ice rink--
Uh-oh, I know that face.
458
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,046
Is Debbie planning
to beat you up?
459
00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:15,531
You could tell that
just from my face?
460
00:16:15,624 --> 00:16:17,958
Ugh, she threatens
to beat people up pretty often.
461
00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:19,960
Just last week,
her orthodontist showed up here
462
00:16:20,054 --> 00:16:21,721
looking just like
you do right now.
463
00:16:21,873 --> 00:16:24,465
-What'd you do?
-I saw her with her doll
at Gluttony Gulch Buffet.
464
00:16:24,559 --> 00:16:25,299
Yikes.
465
00:16:25,468 --> 00:16:27,134
Why is she so worried about me
466
00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:28,227
seeing her play with a doll?
467
00:16:28,379 --> 00:16:30,046
We all still play with toys
at our age.
468
00:16:30,064 --> 00:16:32,231
We don't talk about it,
but we know it happens.
469
00:16:32,383 --> 00:16:35,067
Well, it's a little bit
my fault, maybe.
470
00:16:35,220 --> 00:16:36,477
I mean,
I shouldn't tell you this,
471
00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:38,145
but you look like
the kind of small bear
472
00:16:38,239 --> 00:16:39,480
that can keep a secret.
473
00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:40,556
-Is that right?
-Yup.
474
00:16:40,575 --> 00:16:42,316
I made Debbie
repeat kindergarten.
475
00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:44,243
You held Debbie back? Why?
476
00:16:44,395 --> 00:16:46,170
Well, she was just so tiny
back then.
477
00:16:46,397 --> 00:16:47,988
And the first time
she did kindergarten,
478
00:16:48,157 --> 00:16:50,008
when we lived in Death Cliff,
she got picked on all year.
479
00:16:50,235 --> 00:16:51,658
So, when we moved
to Lone Moose, I thought
480
00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:53,327
it'd be a good idea for her
to repeat kindergarten,
481
00:16:53,421 --> 00:16:55,013
so she'd be a little bigger.
But guess what?
482
00:16:55,181 --> 00:16:57,089
-She hated it.
-That's right, Moon.
483
00:16:57,183 --> 00:16:58,407
She wouldn't talk to me
for months.
484
00:16:58,501 --> 00:17:00,000
It wasn't until
I bought her that doll
485
00:17:00,094 --> 00:17:01,519
that she started
calling me Carissa again.
486
00:17:01,670 --> 00:17:04,505
Then we worked our way back
to Mom over the next few years,
487
00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:07,025
but the whole incident
had some... lasting effects.
488
00:17:07,101 --> 00:17:09,861
She really hates being seen
as little in any way.
489
00:17:10,012 --> 00:17:12,179
I see. So, she's not mean.
490
00:17:12,273 --> 00:17:14,014
She's just hurt
and kind of scared.
491
00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:16,868
(laughs) Come on, Moon,
she's definitely mean.
492
00:17:17,095 --> 00:17:18,761
But, yes,
hurt and scared as well.
493
00:17:18,780 --> 00:17:21,539
It's also the reason she wears
those darn skates all the time,
494
00:17:21,766 --> 00:17:23,616
so she'll be taller
and have weapons on her feet.
495
00:17:23,768 --> 00:17:26,711
Thank you, Mrs. Van.
I think I know what to do now.
496
00:17:26,862 --> 00:17:28,454
No need to tell Debbie
I was here.
497
00:17:28,606 --> 00:17:30,381
Actually, it's probably better
if you don't.
498
00:17:30,533 --> 00:17:31,698
Sure thing, Moon.
499
00:17:31,867 --> 00:17:33,609
Uh-oh. That's gonna be her
father dropping her off.
500
00:17:33,628 --> 00:17:35,945
Run, Moon. Cut through
the backyard. Jump the fence.
501
00:17:35,963 --> 00:17:38,539
See, Horton, it's working.
502
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:41,300
The museum will be open
for decades to come,
503
00:17:41,377 --> 00:17:43,227
and I can visit you
and Coco every day.
504
00:17:43,379 --> 00:17:46,230
That's nice, Beef.
That'll be real nice for you.
505
00:17:46,382 --> 00:17:48,140
-But...
-(both scream)
506
00:17:48,293 --> 00:17:49,809
Oh, no, it's gonna hit the van.
507
00:17:49,961 --> 00:17:53,145
Oh, no it didn't hit the v--
oh, no, the rope's breaking.
508
00:17:53,298 --> 00:17:55,147
Everyone get away
from the museum!
509
00:17:55,316 --> 00:17:56,390
She's gonna break free.
510
00:17:56,559 --> 00:17:57,408
(all yelling)
511
00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:58,892
-No!
-Oh, no!
512
00:17:58,912 --> 00:18:00,620
(overlapping yelling)
513
00:18:01,730 --> 00:18:03,306
We can save the museum.
514
00:18:03,399 --> 00:18:04,807
Everyone, just grab some pieces.
515
00:18:04,867 --> 00:18:06,567
We'll rebuild it
and make it even better.
516
00:18:06,661 --> 00:18:09,570
It'll be ten stories--
no, 20 stories tall,
517
00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:12,148
-and visitors will come
from around the world...
-Beef.
518
00:18:12,166 --> 00:18:14,425
Just let it die.
It's what I want.
519
00:18:14,652 --> 00:18:16,986
The land lease didn't get
sold out from under me.
520
00:18:17,079 --> 00:18:19,079
-I let it expire.
-Why?
521
00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:20,414
I'm done, Beef.
522
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,174
The only people that come
to the museum anymore
523
00:18:22,327 --> 00:18:24,102
are drifters that
need to go number two,
524
00:18:24,329 --> 00:18:25,586
and there's this guy Rodney.
525
00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:27,588
He always tries to put
his mouth on a log,
526
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:30,516
and when I stop him,
he accuses me of doing 9/11.
527
00:18:30,685 --> 00:18:32,835
I want to retire to Miami
and get a girlfriend.
528
00:18:32,854 --> 00:18:36,114
Maybe a boyfriend. Wear
a thong underwear bathing suit.
529
00:18:36,265 --> 00:18:38,116
Feel the sun on my lower cheeks.
530
00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:39,933
I understand, Horton.
531
00:18:39,953 --> 00:18:41,510
Far be it from me to stop a man
532
00:18:41,529 --> 00:18:44,605
that has so honorably served
the history of logs
533
00:18:44,699 --> 00:18:45,957
from living out his dream.
534
00:18:46,184 --> 00:18:48,442
Everyone deserves a chance
to show off their butt
535
00:18:48,519 --> 00:18:50,353
in their autumn years
if they wish.
536
00:18:50,446 --> 00:18:51,445
Now, let me help you.
537
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:52,797
We need to get Coco
out of there,
538
00:18:52,948 --> 00:18:54,357
so he can go to his new home.
539
00:18:54,375 --> 00:18:56,467
He belongs with you, Beef.
He always did.
540
00:18:56,619 --> 00:18:59,362
You hear that, buddy?
You're coming home with me.
541
00:18:59,455 --> 00:19:02,882
Okay, Moon.
Time to pull up or shut up.
542
00:19:03,034 --> 00:19:04,367
(Henry and Russell gasp)
543
00:19:04,385 --> 00:19:06,719
-You can't.
-Moon, are you sure?
544
00:19:06,871 --> 00:19:07,870
Yes.
545
00:19:07,963 --> 00:19:08,980
Hey, Debbie.
546
00:19:09,207 --> 00:19:10,723
(students gasp and laugh)
547
00:19:10,875 --> 00:19:11,724
Oh, my gosh.
548
00:19:11,876 --> 00:19:12,984
Um, what the hell
549
00:19:13,135 --> 00:19:14,377
do you think you're doing?
550
00:19:14,395 --> 00:19:16,228
Why are you wearing a diaper?
551
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:17,897
And holding that stuffed sloth?
552
00:19:18,049 --> 00:19:19,157
His name is Jeremy,
553
00:19:19,384 --> 00:19:20,900
and I'm publicly
embarrassing myself
554
00:19:20,994 --> 00:19:22,218
to show you that
it doesn't matter
555
00:19:22,236 --> 00:19:23,886
what people think about you.
556
00:19:23,979 --> 00:19:26,146
So what if people think
I'm a weirdo baby in a diaper?
557
00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:27,740
You're my friend, Debbie,
and it's worth it
558
00:19:27,892 --> 00:19:29,408
to put myself out there
to end this.
559
00:19:29,485 --> 00:19:31,836
There's nothing wrong with
still being little sometimes
560
00:19:32,063 --> 00:19:33,171
and wanting to play with a doll.
561
00:19:33,398 --> 00:19:34,955
I got Jeremy when I was four,
562
00:19:35,066 --> 00:19:36,916
and I still hold him
when I feel scared,
563
00:19:37,068 --> 00:19:39,043
like when I accidentally
watched The Purge,
564
00:19:39,195 --> 00:19:41,512
and then when I watched
all the sequels on purpose.
565
00:19:41,664 --> 00:19:43,830
Personally, I think
your doll is cool,
566
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:46,242
and I would never pick on you
for being small.
567
00:19:46,260 --> 00:19:47,834
Oh, thank you so much.
568
00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:50,354
That was such a great speech,
Keith Bore-ison,
569
00:19:50,506 --> 00:19:53,416
but I have never even been
embarrassed in my entire life.
570
00:19:53,509 --> 00:19:54,600
And I don't own a doll.
571
00:19:54,752 --> 00:19:56,585
And I'm not little,
and I never have been.
572
00:19:56,604 --> 00:19:58,512
When I came out
of my mom's vagina,
573
00:19:58,531 --> 00:19:59,939
which was also very big,
574
00:20:00,091 --> 00:20:01,273
all the doctors
in the hospital fainted
575
00:20:01,426 --> 00:20:03,701
because I was
so large and scary.
576
00:20:03,852 --> 00:20:05,036
Okay then, Debbie,
577
00:20:05,279 --> 00:20:07,688
proceed with the pee and poop
and double poop punches,
578
00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:11,024
but just remember that, even
after I've pooped out my front,
579
00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:12,543
I'll still be your friend.
580
00:20:14,105 --> 00:20:15,771
(grunts) Oh, my God.
581
00:20:15,790 --> 00:20:18,441
Get out of here. I can't beat up
some little diaper boy
582
00:20:18,459 --> 00:20:20,885
because that would be
embarrassing for me.
583
00:20:21,036 --> 00:20:22,053
And like I said, Moon Tobin,
584
00:20:22,204 --> 00:20:24,889
I've never ever
been embarrassed.
585
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:26,449
This is probably
the most triumphant
586
00:20:26,542 --> 00:20:28,250
I'll ever feel
while wearing a diaper
587
00:20:28,252 --> 00:20:29,802
in front of a bunch of people.
588
00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:31,044
At least, I hope so.
589
00:20:31,064 --> 00:20:33,213
All hail Moon Tobin.
590
00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:35,215
-The Diaper King.
-Russell, no.
591
00:20:35,384 --> 00:20:38,811
So, Moon, how'd your
school probject turn out?
592
00:20:38,963 --> 00:20:40,296
Well, you were right, Dad.
593
00:20:40,389 --> 00:20:42,147
The solution was
right in front of me.
594
00:20:42,300 --> 00:20:44,057
It was a large diaper
and a stuffed sloth.
595
00:20:44,226 --> 00:20:45,910
There you go. I'm proud of you,
596
00:20:46,061 --> 00:20:47,319
and Coco's happy for you, too.
597
00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:49,305
Hey, Dad, where are you
gonna keep Coco?
598
00:20:49,323 --> 00:20:50,397
Oh, I meant to tell you.
599
00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:52,083
I'm gonna need you and Honeybee
600
00:20:52,234 --> 00:20:54,067
to move to a motel downtown.
601
00:20:54,161 --> 00:20:55,478
Coco needs his space.
602
00:20:55,496 --> 00:20:57,496
Fair enough, Dad.
We'll go get our things.
603
00:20:57,648 --> 00:20:58,481
Wolf, no.
604
00:20:58,499 --> 00:21:00,073
♪ It's the most important ♪
605
00:21:00,167 --> 00:21:01,817
♪ Job in the world ♪
606
00:21:01,836 --> 00:21:05,170
♪ Not a doctor, a pilot,
a mommy or a daddy, no ♪
607
00:21:05,323 --> 00:21:07,080
♪ I'm talking about ♪
608
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:10,175
♪ Being a flute caddie ♪
609
00:21:10,328 --> 00:21:12,770
♪ The pressure's on,
your flautist ♪
610
00:21:12,997 --> 00:21:15,106
♪ Needs an alto, a standard C ♪
611
00:21:15,275 --> 00:21:17,349
♪ A piccolo, or a bass ♪
612
00:21:17,443 --> 00:21:19,502
♪ The first step's
important, though ♪
613
00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:22,763
♪ Number one, open the case ♪
614
00:21:22,782 --> 00:21:26,191
♪ Slowly move it to the left,
forward or right ♪
615
00:21:26,286 --> 00:21:28,344
♪ Your flautist will be waiting,
lock eyes ♪
616
00:21:28,362 --> 00:21:30,513
♪ Don't lose sight. ♪
617
00:21:30,531 --> 00:21:32,515
Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
618
00:21:32,533 --> 00:21:33,708
and TOYOTA.