-♪ Look up there ♪ -♪ What do you see? ♪
♪ Nature and stuff ♪
-♪ Like a rock ♪ -♪ And a tree ♪
♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪
♪ Catch some fish ♪
♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪
♪ Wow ♪
♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪
♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
♪ From longest night to longest day ♪
♪ In the Great North. ♪
(yawns) Good morning.
What? Oof. Sorry, everyone.
I know I usually give you a little more to work with
at breakfast enthusiasm-wise,
but the darkest days of the Alaskan winter
make old Judy Tootie less fresh and more moody than usual.
Yes, 24 hours of near total darkness have a way
of wreaking havoc on a person's mental state.
But hey, that's the price we pay
to live a life of hard work in a hostile environment.
Do you guys remember the sun?
It was like a big, dumb lamp in the sky
you didn't have to turn on.
Lady Daylight will return.
At peak summer, it's only dark for 45 minutes a day.
Makes going to the drive-in almost impossible.
Well, at least during the light days
we don't have to worry about...
(dramatically): lumber zombies.
-(Wolf cackles) -Wolf, mmm.
Do we have to hear the lumber zombie story again?
Yeah, it's scary, and also probably
just a dumb local legend.
Uh, agree to disagree, Jude-etee.
I think you mean rad-ass, local-true real thing
that absolutely happened.
It all started way back in the 1800s...
-Wolf, this story upsets... -Not now, Ham! I'm telling a story.
See, the Lone Moose Logging Company,
tired of having to shut down business during the dark days,
devised an evil plan to create a mindless workforce
that could 'jack in total darkness and never get tired.
-Did you just shorten lumberjack to 'jack? -Yeah.
They needed guys who could 'jack from dusk till dawn.
So they started doing horrible experiments.
But they made one fatal mistake.
They accidentally created lumber zombies.
And they were like, "You just slapped the salmon, log boss,
'cause I'm a zombie!"
(growling)
"No, get off of me!"
"No, you get off!" "Quit it!"
"Argh, I'm gonna eat your damn butt cheeks!"
(sighs) Well, y-you get it.
And some say that lumber zombies survive to this day,
waiting for the darkest time of the year,
to emerge once again and create more zombies.
One minute you're minding your own business,
sucking on a snowball;
next minute, you're jackin' for all of eternity.
Where's the proof?
Well, all kinds of weird stuff happens
during the dark days--
people going missing, strange accidents,
delivery orders get mixed up and you get pad Thai
for someone named "Jeft."
It's got to be lumber zombies.
No. The strange stuff always has a rational explanation.
People are sleepy, so they make mistakes.
The constant darkness causes them to feel detached
and lose their grip on reality,
but there's a very simple solution:
just don't do that.
Maybe we should stop talking about this.
Sorry, Moon, I know the lumber zombie story scares you.
Not anymore. That was when I was a kid.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go get my lucky puffy penguin pencil topper
because I have a test today.
I know Moon says he's not scared,
but keep an eye on him.
You know what, Dad? If it's all right with you,
I'm gonna keep both eyes on him.
In fact, you should all keep an eye on each other,
since today I undertake a 24-hour rest
on the shortest day.
Ah, yes, the Beef Sleep.
A time where I allow the body and mind to recuperate
from working so hard the rest of the year.
I get it, it's like when I drink a 5-hour Energy.
After a very, very, very, very, very fun five hours,
-I'm unconscious for two days. -Indeed.
See you on the other side.
At last, my rejuvenation is at hand.
Now, to await sleep's tender embra--
(snoring)
JUDY: It's so foggy.
This is ice fog.
Early settlers called it "white death,"
which was also what the Alaska natives
called the early settlers.
Well, have a good day that looks like night.
Don't let the lumber zombies bite.
-Aah! -JUDY: It's okay, Moon.
-It's only Debbie. -I know.
-I was just startled. -Do you want us to sing you
your super-brave boy nighty-night song?
Absolutely not.
What do you want, Debbie?
Oh, I've just been meaning to tell you
that your nostrils look like two little fireplaces.
Oh, it's so hard for him to admit that he's freaked out.
Sometimes it's hard for me to admit
I still haven't figured out
the pronunciation of cinnamon.
Oh, my God, I got it! I pronounced cimmanin--
cimanin...
-Oh, no, it's gone. -Kima! Wait up!
(grunting nearby)
♪ ♪
Huh. Huh...
Just a... ominous figure in a threatening stance,
disappearing into the fog outside of school.
(chuckles) Nothing to worry about.
-Lordy gordies! -Uh-oh, what happened?
Did we accidentally wash a meatball again?
No, it's Dad's favorite shirt.
I just always get really excited to see it in the wild.
It's his oldest and most revered T-shirt.
Yeah, he won it by eating 200 shrimp
in a restaurant's eating challenge.
It's freaking hilarious.
(chuckles): Did you see the shrimp pimp?
I saw it, and I hate it.
You know what, I'm gonna try it on.
Oh, yeah. Oh, there it is.
Do I look like Dad?
Ah! No, no, not the shirt!
Oh, got to act fast! Please come out.
I need soap!
-(whirring) -Oh, poo-poo on my pee-pee!
Why?!
Don't you die on me.
You hear me? Don't you do it!
-No. No. -I'm sorry, Wolf. He's gone.
Oh, no. Dad's gonna quietly say it's okay,
but really he'll be devastated.
I guess I should tender my letter of resignation
from the family. (crying)
There is another option.
No, I refuse to kill my father.
Wolf, he won it in a shrimp-eating challenge, right?
-Yeah... -At a restaurant?
Yes! I know the shirt's rich history, Honeybee.
You don't have to remind me.
So why don't we just go there and try to do the challenge?
I bet one of us will be able to do it.
I once stayed in a wax museum for four days,
because I was convinced it was the real Tom Hanks
and I was waiting for him to twitch.
My point is, I'm up for a challenge.
You amaze me every day, my love.
It's... all I've ever wanted.
Uh, Judy, you don't think lumber zombies could be real, right?
No, of course not. Why?
Oh, I'm sure it's nothing,
but I saw a weird guy lurching around in the parking lot.
You were probably just imagining things. Wait.
Where are Hannah and Gary?
I definitely saw both of them
-in the hall this morning. -You're right.
Hannah had her sequin scrunchie on,
and it really caught my eye.
-It looks great on her... -(Golovkin clears throat)
Is there a question that I can help you with?
Yes, actually. Where are Hannah and Gary?
Well, they're absent today, Ms. Tobin,
so I assume they're at home.
But I know I saw them out front.
It's the dark days.
People think they see a lot of things.
Plus, Hannah wears a very popular scrunchie.
Now get back to your reading.
♪ ♪
-Did you see that? -See what?
Ham, Judy.
You may have come from the same uterus,
but now you take separate quizzes.
Ham, look now.
(shushing)
-Shut it down. -(groans)
-(bell rings) -Ham,
when I was trying to get you to look out the window,
it was because I think I saw someone carrying a body.
-What if it was a... -Zombie.
Yeah. I'm a little creeped out.
Should we maybe go check on Moon?
-Judy! -Ooh! -Aah!
And Ham!
Just the two Tobins I was looking for.
(chuckles): Twobins? Hey, that's fun to say.
Listen, you know we've got standardized testing
coming up next week, and I've got a little experiment
I'd like to talk to you about.
You're the perfect guinea pigs.
Meet me in my office after school?
Yeah, let's do it.
Oink, oink, Principal Gibbons.
That's guinea pig for "I'm in."
Great. And don't forget to bring an open mind.
♪ ♪
Moon! Oh, there you are.
We've been looking all over for you.
'Cause you weren't in your classroom.
Yes, the teacher said we could come to the library
to study for the test.
Oh, of course. Yeah.
We weren't worried that zombies took you or something.
Oh, you mean lumber zombies?
I'm definitely on the lookout for them.
My mom's boyfriend Jamie told me about lumber zombies.
And I said, "You're not my dad, Jamie,
but boy, I wish you were."
Yeah, they're terrifying.
Wait, why are we talking about this?
You didn't see anything weird, did you?
-BOY (raspingly): I did. -(all scream)
-Who said that? Who's there? -It's me.
(coughs) Sorry, it's me, Gill Beavers.
I had a tickle in my throat.
Why are all the lights out?
I'm sure the power just went out.
Wait, Gill, you said you saw something?
No, but I heard something in the bathroom.
There was a kid in the stall making weird noises.
He was probably transforming.
-(gasps) -Why would lumber zombies
be in a school?
Maybe they're not lumber zombies.
Maybe they're some kind of school zombie.
Guys, I think we're jumping to conclusions here.
Moon, don't freak out.
GIBBONS (over speaker): Attention, students.
(staticky): ...danger...
...almly...
parents.
Uh, was anyone able to make that out?
I'm pretty sure he said, "Attention, students,
you are all in incredible danger, beware of zombies."
And something about parents, probably that they're all dead.
Let's just get out of here
and try to figure out what's going on.
Ow, I tripped on...
a body!
(all screaming)
Oh, my God, that was Mrs. Feldspar.
I think she's dead, or almost dead, or, or...
She's turning into a zombie, Gill.
-We're all thinking it. -Okay, guys.
I'll admit it seems like something weird is going on,
-but I don't think it's zombies. -Guys?
Where is everybody?
Where are all the kids?
Oh, good, there's someone.
♪ ♪
(grunts)
Uh, guys, I think that maybe we all should
run away in terror!
Welcome to the Crust Station. What can I get you?
I'll do the 200 Shrimp, Shrimp Pimp Challenge.
Same for me. I'm ready to pimp these shrimp.
I got two possible shrimp pimps out here!
Okay, then. I'm gonna need you two to sign these waivers.
-And make sure you fill in those emergency contacts. -Ooh, great.
Mine is Kurt Russell.
Yeah, I figured it'd be a fun way to get to meet him.
Ooh, I'm gonna put down Goldie Hawn.
We can double-date all the way to the hospital.
My name's Ronda, and I'll be your guide
through this experience today.
Old Ronda has helped every shrimp pimp
who's ever strutted out of this place,
and I'll help you, too.
-Thank you, Ronda. -What a sweetheart.
This is stage one, the fun part.
So just settle in and enjoy.
There are five unique stages to eating 200 shrimp
that'll push you to your absolute limit
and make you question everything you think you know
about your body, your soul and your anus.
Hey, these little guys are good.
I've always loved that you can't taste their eyes.
Well, well, well,
looks like Beef has this all to himself.
♪ ♪
I think we lost whoever that was.
-That's the guy I saw in the parking lot. -Hey, guys.
-(all scream) -What the hell?
Why are you holding your flashlight like that?
Because then the first thing people see is my smile,
-and it relaxes them. -That's insane.
Moon, don't tell me how to light myself.
What are you guys doing in here?
We were skipping P.E. as a demonstration to...
subvert the patriarchy.
Girl, we were eating Red Vines.
We were also eating Red Vines.
So, you didn't hear the announcement?
What announcement?
Well, don't freak out,
but it seems like zombies have taken over our school.
-ALL: What? -It's true.
I'm not convinced there are zombies,
but something weird is going on.
The lights went out, all the students are missing,
and a weird guy chased us down the hallway.
Oh, and the librarian's dead.
So it's the apocalypse or something?
Just so you know, we're out of Red Vines.
On the bright side, I guess I won't have to take
my calculus test next period.
Oh, my God, the tests!
You guys, I think I've figured out why this is happening.
It's just like the lumber zombies, but instead
of a tireless lumber workforce, the teachers
are creating a tireless student workforce.
Of course! That way they can teach us all the time.
24 hours a day-- they love teaching.
Those monsters!
No, Ham, it's so we can study
and do well on the standardized tests.
The better we do, the more funding the school gets.
Remember what Principal Gibbons said to us?
Oh, yeah, when he called us "Twobins"?
-It was okay. -No!
He said he wanted us to be "his guinea pigs,"
and to keep an open mind.
Sounds like he wants to eat your brains.
-Exactly. -(laughs) I obviously
don't believe you, but this is amazing,
so I am all in. What do we do?
We need to call my mom's boyfriend Jamie.
He'll know the number for the police.
-Kima, you have a cell phone. -Not anymore.
I got it taken away because I ran up a huge bill.
I bought too many crouton boosters in Soup Sipper 2.
Turns out ten golden ladles cost $700.
I know where there's a phone we can use-- the nurse's office.
I don't use it to call my mom every day because I miss her,
-if that's what you're wondering. -Okay, that's the plan.
We go there, we use the phone to call the police.
Yeah, and if we have time to call my mom, so be it.
♪ ♪
(all gasp)
GILL: Aah, those kids are zombies!
-Aah! -John, come on!
-What are you doing? -HAM: I'm protecting you!
Ham, I admit I'm a little scared,
but I think maybe we should go talk to the nurse
and try to figure out what's going on.
-No! Guys! -John, you've been exposed. Come with me.
No, I'm too compelling to die before Gill!
He's one-note!
(panting) Are we bad people for leaving John behind?
There's no room for emotions now.
There's no rules now, no friendships or study-buddies.
FYI, I've already decided
in what order I would kill all of you
so that I would survive.
What was wrong with those kids?
I don't know, but they didn't look good.
Oh, Moon, it's gonna be okay.
We can sing you your super-brave boy nighty-night song now
-if you want. -No, Judy,
we need an actual plan.
Why don't we go outside and walk to the bus stop...
No way! The outside could be swarming with zombies!
-(watch beeps) -Oh, no! My make-out alarm just went off.
Crispin and I meet every day in the chemistry room
to explore our chemistry, by kissing with our mouths.
I need to go to him.
No, Ham, it's too risky!
He could be dead... or worse.
Well, I have to find out.
He might need my kiss now more than ever.
You know what, guys, I'm just gonna stay here.
There's food here and no zombies, so...
That makes sense. I'm gonna stay here, too.
Yeah, I'm not going anywhere.
I can live off of frozen chicken nuggets and old milk
until we create a new world order.
I think I'm just gonna wander around a bit on my own.
I thought I wanted to survive, but now I'm feeling more open,
zombie-wise.
Okay, I'm going with you, Ham.
And, Moon, you're obviously coming with us.
And I'm going with you, Judy.
Not like "going with you" like dating, just...
Gill, stop talking. Let's go!
Too much shrimp.
The human body just wasn't meant to do this.
Who do we think we are? We were fools!
It's all I can taste. It's all I can smell.
Shrimp has replaced everything in my life and I shrimp it.
I mean I hate it! What's happening to me?!
Okay, this is now stage two.
J-K-E-- just keep eating.
I want them to do that Men in Black stick
on me that erases my brain.
But then you wouldn't remember the foods you do like.
-Like chips! -There's gonna be casualties!
You want it? You want to be a shramp pamp?
-Yes, I want it! I do! -Then you show me you want it!
Guys? I kind of have to pee.
I mean, I already did a little,
and I'd like to do the rest in the toilet.
I know this is the girls' room,
but if you hear me scream, please come in.
Get out of here! Get out!
(all scream)
(gasps) The paper-mache bear for Science Made Bearable.
We can hide inside him.
HAM: We have to go faster.
I need to see Crispin so that we can embrace
after each having thought the other was dead.
Can you even imagine an embrace like that?
-MOON: Judy, where are we? -JUDY: Almost there.
Okay, we usually meet in the science lab closet--
it's the most romantic closet in school.
♪ ♪
Hi.
Why'd you bring your family to our make-out sesh?
You're alive!
How did you stay alive?
Uh, I wear my seat belt, I take a multivitamin,
I had a great pediatrician in Grand Rapids.
No, I'm talking about the zombies.
Didn't you hear the announcement?
Oh, I had my earbuds in all day.
I record my dinner conversations with my parents,
and I relisten to see how I could better explain my days.
It's the end times! The final reckoning,
betwixt man and monster.
Crispin, as improbable as it seems,
we believe that the teachers have been turning students
into zombies and also the teachers are possibly
themselves zombies and we need to get out of here.
Oh, okay, great. Thanks for including me.
-(banging on door) -BOY: Let me in!
Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap!
Oh, no.
Oh, hell no!
-Shrimp! -Shrimp!
Shrimp!
Let me guess, you guys are hallucinating-- I'm a shrimp?
You nailed it, Ronda.
Mm-hmm, yeah. Classic stage three.
No. No, this is really bad!
Everyone is shrimp, the world is shrimp,
shrimp are all I have ever known!
And all you will ever know.
All of consciousness is just a pink shrimp waterfall
(distorted): stretching to shrimp-finity.
-Oh, God, now I'm... -A shrimp. Me too, babe.
How am I pink? I'm Black!
(Wolf sobbing)
So can I get you guys refills on your sodas?
Actually, I'd love a big glass of milk, Ronda.
Well, this is exactly what I've lusted after my whole life.
Keep it coming, my friend.
It's gonna be okay. Just cover your ears.
Moon, focus on me. Eyes right here, okay?
Maybe we should sing him his song?
No. I-I don't need you to...
♪ Her hair is Harlow gold ♪
♪ Her lips a sweet surprise ♪
♪ Her hands are never cold ♪
BOTH: ♪ She's got Bette Davis eyes ♪
You guys, please, don't do this!
♪ And she'll tease you, she'll unease you ♪
♪ All the better just to please you ♪
♪ She's precocious and she knows just... ♪
-(thumping) -(all scream)
Let me in! Let me in! I got locked out!
Don't listen to her-- she's a zombie.
She's trying to get in here to eat our brains.
I don't want to be a zombie! I haven't even had
a retrospective of my artwork in Stuttgart yet!
Moon, no! Don't do it!
Look, Judy,
I'm the only one who's vent-sized
and I'm gonna go get us help.
But you're too little.
And you're very, very scared.
No, Judy, I'm not scared.
I mean I'm not that scared.
I'm reasonably scared,
considering what's been going on today.
But I'm also brave, and for some reason,
you and Ham can't accept that.
Stay alive.
I'll be back for you.
Oh, sorry, I put my earbuds back in.
Uh, where is he going?
-(groaning) -Oh...
Moon doesn't fear the darkness.
The darkness fears the Moon.
It's good 'cause it works on two levels.
(toilets flushing)
So did you complete stage four?
Is stage four double-dragoning out of both ends?
It sure is. Are you guys ready for stage five?
-What's stage five? -Eating your last ten shrimp,
and then getting your T-shirt.
Take me home, Captain Ronda.
Take me home.
I see you!
You're all dead, you hear me?!
Dead! I'm gonna rip your heads off!
Choppity chop, your bones are gone!
Crispin, I know this is sudden,
but I don't want to die single.
Do you want to get married right now?
-I do. -Great! I can marry you guys.
I got my certificate online as part of my art project
-where I married two clams from the marina. -♪ She's precocious ♪
-♪ And she knows just what it ♪ -(Debbie shouting)
-♪ Takes to make ♪ -Dearly beloved, we are
-gathered here today to unite... -♪ A pro blush... ♪
-Guys. -Moon! -Oh, no, Principal Gibbons!
-He's a zombie. -Not today, Gibbons. (screams)
-No, no, no, no, no! -No, no, no, no, no, no!
Now that the power is back on and everyone's calmed down,
can we all acknowledge that
there was no zombie apocalypse here today?
So the lurching guy was just Janitor Jenkins?
Yes, he was in a snow machine accident over the weekend
and has a cast on his foot; and he had dental surgery,
so he can't talk. Hell of a week.
So why was he chasing us?
I sent him to round up any kids
who didn't hear the instructions.
When the power went out, we made an announcement
for all the kids to go to the front of the school
to get picked up by their parents.
What about wanting us to be guinea pigs?
You and Ham are two of our brightest bulbs.
I wanted to talk to you about starting
a peer tutoring program.
What about Mrs. Feldspar? She was dead on the floor.
Sometimes Mrs. Feldspar has
a few too many coffee-tinis in the morning.
She's from a different generation.
But the kids in the nurse's office.
They were all pale and creepy.
We had some kids with the stomach flu this morning,
and their parents were at work and couldn't pick them up yet,
including John's younger brother.
Oh! So that's why the nurse said he'd been exposed.
And I guess it wasn't blood on Debbie's face.
It was makeup.
I was practicing my look for Junior Worlds.
My routine demands a smoky eye and a bold lip.
I won't apologize.
But I also saw a teacher
carrying a body this morning,
across the lawn from the old gym.
Are you talking about him?
-(all scream) -(laughs) It's a CPR dummy.
I borrowed it because we're shooting
a music video for my band.
Well, I didn't want to mention it,
but I did think I saw a zombie Mr. Golovkin
attacking Ms. Anderson from the vent.
Oh, those two.
I don't know why they're keeping their relationship a secret.
We're all very happy for them.
Well, some flowers grow best in the shade.
Well, even though I was very startled
when Moon dropped from the ceiling vent onto my desk,
I'm glad we got this straightened out.
(all scream)
Oh, hey, guys.
Heads up, I just bit the janitor.
(snoring)
(yawns)
♪ ♪
(snoring)
Hey, Moon, we just wanted to say
you were really brave today.
And we're sorry we couldn't accept it.
Yeah, you were like the least scared out of all of us.
We should've realized it sooner.
But in fairness to me, I never realize things sooner.
You're getting older and maybe that's harder for us than you.
Ever since Mom brought you home and said,
"Here, you guys handle this one,"
we've been changing your diapers and reading you stories
and singing you songs, but maybe you don't
need that stuff from us anymore.
So no more stories, no more songs.
We'll just look you in the eye, give you a firm handshake
and wish you a pleasant evening.
You know, my eyes are kind of tired from the dark days.
Maybe you could read me a bedtime story?
-Oh, hell yeah. -We'd love to!
I mean, if you want that.
As long as it's something grown-up
and mature... and with dinosaurs.
♪ Her hair is Harlow gold ♪
♪ Her lips a sweet surprise ♪
♪ Her hands are never cold ♪
♪ She's got Bette Davis eyes ♪
♪ She'll turn her music on ya ♪
♪ You won't have to think twice ♪
♪ She's pure as New York snow ♪
♪ She got Bette Davis eyes. ♪
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