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-♪ Look up there ♪
-♪ What do you see? ♪
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♪ Nature and stuff ♪
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-♪ Like a rock ♪
-♪ And a tree ♪
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♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
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♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪
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♪ Catch some fish ♪
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♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪
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♪ Wow ♪
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♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
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♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪
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♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
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♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪
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♪ In the Great North. ♪
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Pancake Patrol initiated.
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Sergeant Syrup
reporting for duty.
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-At ease.
-Copy that.
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Are we clear for strawberries?
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10-4, Rear Admiral
of the Lower Half
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of the Whipped Cream.
Ready, aim...
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BOTH: Fire!
Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire.
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It just blows my mind
every day.
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The precision, the formation.
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It's like a breakfast-themed
Jabbawockeez.
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-They don't rehearse this?
-No, just comes naturally.
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That's Alaskan twins for you.
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Born nine months apart,
twins of the heart.
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It's like Mom
always used to say:
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I'm pregnant again.
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Well, the van's started,
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but it's making a sound
that can only be described
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as "a screaming."
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Let's just hope
the engine lasts
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through the Feast of Not People
Festival this weekend.
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Now, what is
the Feast of Not People again?
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-We eat people?
-No, we don't eat people.
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That's the whole point.
The Feast of Not People Festival
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is an annual celebration
of Lone Moose's origins,
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when the first settlers
got off course
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on their way to Florida
and ended up here...
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Well, okay, not the first
first settlers.
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Those were actually
the Alaskan natives,
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-to whom this land
rightfully belongs.
-Right.
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So these European settlers,
who were total ding-dongs,
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came in the dead of winter,
with zero snow-how.
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WOLF:
Lotta loose bonnets,
if you know what I'm saying.
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BEEF:
These underprepared vacationers
turned
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to eating each other to survive
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MOON:
And they ate a lot
of each other.
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We're talking four trips
to the buffet
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with a new plate each time.
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BEEF:
Eventually, though,
they realized
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they were surrounded by scores
of edible fish and wildlife.
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So there's a festival
celebrating that the town
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used to eat people?
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No, again,
we celebrate not eating people,
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and we do it
by not eating people.
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Oh, and the best part is
the Feast Cake.
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It's a huge cake in the shape
of anything that's not people,
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cooked by our local Cake Lady.
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She makes a cake big enough
for the whole town?
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Yep. The Cake Lady
somehow always outdoes herself,
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year after year.
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What a hot box of pressure.
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(chuckles nervously)
Yes. That Cake Lady sure must be
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sweatin' batter, mustn't she?
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But that's enough festival talk,
isn't it?
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Not really. I don't think
I totally understand
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what an Alaskan Cake Lady is.
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Oh, allow me to explain.
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Every Alaskan small town has
its own confectionary visionary
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known as a Cake Lady.
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But ours recently retired.
To jail.
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Turns out the only thing she
liked to cook more than cakes
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was, uh, the books
for our very small
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but very violent local mafia.
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She made her cake,
and now she has to lie in it.
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And after she went
to the big house,
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an unknown mystery baker
has been fulfilling her orders
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and delivering them
in the dark of night.
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She makes you purchase
through electronic mail.
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I liked the old system, where
you tacked your order to a tree.
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Well, you can bring it up
with whoever it is on Sunday.
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It's town tradition
for the Cake Lady
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to personally unveil
her masterpiece at the festival.
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To win us over,
this year's Cake Lady
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is really gonna have
to cake it... (chuckles)
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-to the limit.
-(laughs)
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What a funny wordplay, Judy.
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(forced laughter)
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-Whoa.
-(forced laughter continues)
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What's up with Ham?
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He usually loves talking
baked goods.
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He was probably just laughing
to cover a fart.
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Oop.
(laughs loudly)
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Okay, Ham, so you have
that math quiz second period,
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so take my lucky pencil
with the good eraser.
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-Ham, are you listening?
-Yeah.
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Um, uh, sorry I forgot
to tell you
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but, um, uh, I actually--
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Uh, I won't see you
at lunch today.
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(chuckles)
Yeah. Good one.
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Uh, same. And I also won't
see you at lunch
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because I'll be having lunch
with, um, someone from history,
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alive or dead.
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No, I'm being serious.
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Okay. Well, just tell me
what you're doing at lunch
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-and I'll do that, too.
-Sorry, Judy.
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This is something
I have to do alone.
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-A private lunch.
-Um, okay.
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I said good day.
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HONEYBEE:
Festival competitions.
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00:04:00,074 --> 00:04:02,399
"Guess How Many Teeth
in a Jar," "Big Pit,"
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00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:04,234
"Animal Bite Parade,"
"Cadaver Dash."
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00:04:04,245 --> 00:04:05,819
Is that the one you guys
were talking about,
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00:04:05,895 --> 00:04:06,987
where there's something far away
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and you have to guess
what it is?
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(laughs)
No, no. That is
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"Identify That Thing
in the Distance."
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"Cadaver Dash"
is where teams compete
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to find and collect
the most cadavers.
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Ooh, fun.
So it's like an Easter egg hunt
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if the eggs weighed
a couple hundred pounds.
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Exactly.
Dad and Uncle Brian
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are longtime reigning
Daver Dash champions.
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So, Dad, I-I guess since
Uncle Brian moved to Anchorage,
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it's gonna be you and me
as partners this year?
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Actually, I was thinking
I've already won it
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so many times with Brian,
maybe I'll just throw my hat
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in the teeth jar this year.
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Or, you know,
I-I know I'm no Uncle Brian,
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but you could try throwing
your hat in the me jar?
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All right, I guess
I could dash one more year.
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Yeah! Team Tobin.
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When I say "father,"
you say "son." Father!
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-Father.
-We got this.
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Oh, and Moon will no doubt want
to be a cadaver again this year.
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He's one of the best dead people
in town.
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Oh, that sounds interesting.
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Maybe I'll sign up to be
a cadaver, too.
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Great! Well, I better start
practicing for the dash.
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-Care for a ride?
-Sure. Legs, sit this one out.
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Hey, Dad,
you carry someone, too!
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00:05:04,138 --> 00:05:06,463
Santiago, may I carry you?
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00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:09,975
Me? Wow.
It would be my pleasure.
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I've never played
a dead body before,
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but I made an amazing Rizzo
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at Almond Grove High's
production of Grease.
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The newspaper called
my performance "serviceable."
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That won't help you here.
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00:05:18,968 --> 00:05:20,643
This isn't some shallow
rendition of the '50s.
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This is real life.
This is death.
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I'm not sure you could
even be quiet for five seconds.
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Easy. One, two, three,
four, five.
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Hmm. I should
definitely train you.
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All right, you can be
my Obi-Dead Kenobi.
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Oh, good.
You guys are here.
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So, Uncle Brian is 220 pounds
of pure Alaskan stallion.
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I'm 160 pounds of droopy pony.
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Thus, I've got my body
all mapped out
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and a solid plan
to meet family standards
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by dash time.
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Did you have to be nude?
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Relax. I drew someone else's
penis in place of my own.
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Step one: core.
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Since you can't carry
without a strong core-y,
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I've gone ahead and downloaded
an app called abpp.
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When it's not crashing my phone,
it's working my zone.
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Step two: bladder.
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00:06:01,937 --> 00:06:03,686
You don't want to be taking
any bathroom breaks
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during the dash,
so I'm gonna be upping my liqs--
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that's what I call my liquids--
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and stretching that blad.
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That's what I call my bladdy,
which is what I call my bladder.
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And step three: hands.
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Most Tobins' hands are,
medically speaking,
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more similar to claws.
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Me, I got a pair
of soft-and-floppies
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just like Mom's, so what I did
is bought Holdems.
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High-traction gloves
that guarantee superb grip.
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One weekend seems like
the perfect amount of time
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to make all of these ambitious
changes to your body.
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Soup's on!
Not really soup,
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00:06:31,466 --> 00:06:33,299
but if you want
to cut up your hot dogs
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and put 'em in water,
who am I to stop you?
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Oh, hello, Ham.
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Is it okay if I eat dinner
with you
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or are you having a
private dinner, too? (chuckles)
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In case anyone is wondering
what I'm talking about,
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Ham had a private lunch
at school today without me
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00:06:45,763 --> 00:06:46,905
for the first time ever.
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00:06:46,982 --> 00:06:48,907
But maybe he'd like to tell me
now what it was.
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-He would not.
-Ooh, you know,
I think I may have a lead
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on the Cake Lady.
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I really, really doubt it!
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Okay. Calm down.
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00:06:54,489 --> 00:06:55,864
I am calm!
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00:06:55,940 --> 00:06:57,824
I am a very calm person
who does not want to talk
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00:06:57,901 --> 00:06:59,584
about the Feast Cake
or the Cake Lady
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or what I did at lunch.
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00:07:00,904 --> 00:07:02,495
Seems like there's a lot
of topics
201
00:07:02,572 --> 00:07:03,746
that are off-limits.
202
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:06,591
Yeah, so maybe
we should just not talk.
203
00:07:06,668 --> 00:07:08,501
-What's on TV?
-Diondra Tundra here
204
00:07:08,578 --> 00:07:10,545
with Mayor Peppers,
doing a deep dive
205
00:07:10,622 --> 00:07:12,672
-into this year's Feast Cake.
-Oh, no.
206
00:07:12,749 --> 00:07:15,434
Our Cake Lady countdown clock
is ticking away.
207
00:07:15,510 --> 00:07:16,768
(loud ticking)
208
00:07:16,845 --> 00:07:18,603
-(gags)
-Son, are you all right?
209
00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:19,938
Do you need the barf basket?
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DIONDRA:
Can the new Cake Lady
211
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live up to last year's
212
00:07:22,634 --> 00:07:24,267
unforgettable
"Thanksgiving Dinner
213
00:07:24,278 --> 00:07:25,393
with All the Fixins Cake"?
214
00:07:25,470 --> 00:07:28,188
-Nope!
-Ham, what is going on?
215
00:07:28,264 --> 00:07:30,940
(exhales) All right, fine.
I can't take it anymore.
216
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:32,358
She's me, okay?
217
00:07:32,435 --> 00:07:34,777
-The new Cake Lady is me!
She's me!
-(gasping)
218
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:37,831
She's me, she's me, she's me,
she's me, she's me. I'm her.
219
00:07:42,111 --> 00:07:43,745
-Ham, you're the Cake Lady?
-Busted.
220
00:07:43,821 --> 00:07:46,206
Wait, so that means
my Jackson Pollock birthday cake
221
00:07:46,282 --> 00:07:48,249
-splattered
with candied pollock?
-Me.
222
00:07:48,326 --> 00:07:50,635
The nasal cake for the Ear, Nose
and Throat Clinic's anniversary,
223
00:07:50,712 --> 00:07:52,629
with
those golden raisin boogers?
224
00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:55,256
Mm-hmm. The Bundt cake for the
Little League championship game,
225
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the upsetting
but ultimately very delicious
226
00:07:57,552 --> 00:07:59,469
Death By Chocolate cake
for the funeral home.
227
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,471
-All of it, me.
-But how?
228
00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:03,640
I do it at night.
I say my "sleep tights"
229
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:04,933
and give my bedbug warnings
230
00:08:05,009 --> 00:08:06,151
and then I head down
to the kitchen
231
00:08:06,228 --> 00:08:07,486
and Cake Lady till morn.
232
00:08:07,562 --> 00:08:09,604
But, Ham, how could you
not have told me?
233
00:08:09,681 --> 00:08:11,564
Did you just wake up one day
and think,
234
00:08:11,641 --> 00:08:14,150
"Hmm, I guess I'm going
to become the Cake Lady
235
00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:15,660
and not tell my sister
about it"?
236
00:08:15,737 --> 00:08:18,163
No, I just... (exhales)
I didn't tell anyone.
237
00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:20,823
I found the Cake Lady's last
order still tacked to the tree
238
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,158
and I thought,
"I've always loved cake.
239
00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:23,826
Maybe I could make one."
240
00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:26,621
Oof. That is almost exactly how
I came to be in charge
241
00:08:26,698 --> 00:08:29,174
of the town dump
for a brief time in the '90s.
242
00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:32,085
So I tried making cakes,
because why not, right?
243
00:08:32,161 --> 00:08:34,003
You got to live,
and it turned out
244
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:35,755
I was pretty good at it.
(sighs)
245
00:08:35,832 --> 00:08:39,175
But the Feast Cake is
a whole nother beast... cake.
246
00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:41,511
Well, surely you got
to have some ideas.
247
00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:43,012
Uh, maybe we can workshop 'em.
248
00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:45,598
Here's the list I made
in the library at lunch today.
249
00:08:45,675 --> 00:08:48,351
Okay, it says "pie"
crossed out seven times
250
00:08:48,362 --> 00:08:49,694
and then "cake."
251
00:08:49,771 --> 00:08:51,479
Well, cake's a good start.
252
00:08:51,556 --> 00:08:53,773
What about... plain cake?
253
00:08:53,850 --> 00:08:55,984
Or-- here's
a delicious cake idea--
254
00:08:56,060 --> 00:08:57,151
you could've told me,
255
00:08:57,228 --> 00:08:58,036
your Alaskan twin,
256
00:08:58,113 --> 00:08:59,654
aka best friend and...
257
00:08:59,731 --> 00:09:01,823
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, or what about a cake
258
00:09:01,899 --> 00:09:04,033
shaped like a cupcake
but so big?
259
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,077
I'm just gonna say
what we're all thinking.
260
00:09:06,154 --> 00:09:07,829
Dirt.
You can eat it if you have to.
261
00:09:07,905 --> 00:09:10,164
(sighs) I got to go
figure this out on my own.
262
00:09:10,241 --> 00:09:12,125
Great. He'll just go do
something all by himself,
263
00:09:12,201 --> 00:09:14,627
which is, well,
something I'm totally fine with.
264
00:09:14,704 --> 00:09:17,046
Ooh, or what about a cake
shaped like a little cupcake
265
00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:18,339
and everybody gets one?
266
00:09:18,416 --> 00:09:19,891
Uh, that's
just regular cupcakes, babe.
267
00:09:19,968 --> 00:09:22,552
Oh, yeah. You're right.
(chuckles) It is. Great call.
268
00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:24,563
-(sucking sounds)
-Uh, is something wrong, Judy?
269
00:09:24,639 --> 00:09:26,848
You finished that smoothie
17 minutes ago.
270
00:09:26,924 --> 00:09:28,182
There's nothing left in there.
271
00:09:28,259 --> 00:09:29,734
Something is very wrong.
272
00:09:29,811 --> 00:09:31,477
Ham took up a new interest
without telling me.
273
00:09:31,554 --> 00:09:33,479
Oh. I hope it's not kites.
274
00:09:33,556 --> 00:09:35,356
To watch a man fly a kite
is just gross.
275
00:09:35,433 --> 00:09:36,733
No, he's just baking.
276
00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:38,901
But he's never shut me out
like this before.
277
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:41,571
Well, it sounds like Ham's got
his own thing going on,
278
00:09:41,582 --> 00:09:43,239
and that's perfectly natural.
279
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:44,824
People outgrow
their dysfunctional
280
00:09:44,901 --> 00:09:47,577
codependent sibling
relationships all the time.
281
00:09:47,588 --> 00:09:48,745
We say "Alaskan twins."
282
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:50,589
Sure. Fine.
My point is,
283
00:09:50,665 --> 00:09:53,416
Ham's individuating
and you have to set him free,
284
00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:54,500
like a bird.
285
00:09:54,577 --> 00:09:56,044
Or a lynx that you brought home
286
00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:58,046
because it was cute
but then turned out to be
287
00:09:58,122 --> 00:09:59,922
not that great of a pet.
288
00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:02,342
I'm a firm believer
in letting everything go.
289
00:10:02,418 --> 00:10:04,102
Friends, family,
your boyfriend,
290
00:10:04,179 --> 00:10:05,103
his lover.
291
00:10:05,180 --> 00:10:06,763
But not his lover's boyfriend.
292
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:09,441
(chuckles): Oh. Gregory makes
an amazing banana bread.
293
00:10:09,517 --> 00:10:11,225
-It's so moist.
-Oh, yeah.
294
00:10:11,302 --> 00:10:12,944
It's unspeakably moist.
295
00:10:13,021 --> 00:10:14,103
It's almost damp.
296
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,229
(indistinct chatter)
297
00:10:15,306 --> 00:10:16,615
(groans)
I know it takes time
298
00:10:16,691 --> 00:10:18,358
to break in new gloves,
but maybe a better name
299
00:10:18,434 --> 00:10:20,109
for Holdems
might've been Razor Mittens.
300
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:22,612
-(chuckles): Or Lil' Bleedies.
-Why don't you take 'em off
301
00:10:22,623 --> 00:10:25,073
-if they're bothering you
so much?
-(sputters) Bothering me?
302
00:10:25,149 --> 00:10:26,908
(chuckles)
No way. I actually feel better
303
00:10:26,984 --> 00:10:28,960
when my hands hurt a lot,
believe it or not.
304
00:10:29,037 --> 00:10:32,205
(high-pitched yelp) That was
just a primal battle scream
305
00:10:32,281 --> 00:10:33,790
meant to pump us up.
306
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,416
You feeling pumped up,
my Beef man? (groans)
307
00:10:35,493 --> 00:10:36,801
-Here, gimme th...
-Uh-uh, Dad.
308
00:10:36,878 --> 00:10:38,753
This is the kind
of stick-tuitiveness
309
00:10:38,830 --> 00:10:41,306
you can expect
to see from me on dash day.
310
00:10:41,383 --> 00:10:42,641
Ooh! Ah! Eeh!
311
00:10:42,717 --> 00:10:44,384
(grunting, groaning)
312
00:10:44,460 --> 00:10:46,478
Oh, this pressure is insane!
313
00:10:46,554 --> 00:10:48,930
The last Cake Lady is so lucky
she's in jail.
314
00:10:49,006 --> 00:10:51,432
Oh, hello, Brother.
How goeseth the Feast Cake?
315
00:10:51,509 --> 00:10:54,644
-Ugh. Not good.
-Oh, very well then, Hamuel.
316
00:10:54,655 --> 00:10:56,646
Since this is your personal
private affair
317
00:10:56,657 --> 00:10:57,814
and not both of ours, together,
318
00:10:57,824 --> 00:10:59,824
I shall
take my leave of you now.
319
00:10:59,901 --> 00:11:03,328
Um, okay. I'll just be down here
not making the Feast Cake.
320
00:11:03,405 --> 00:11:05,163
Hm. Have a pleasant evening,
Mr. Tobin.
321
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:07,323
ALYSON:
You have to set him free,
like a bird!
322
00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:09,992
Or a lynx that you brought
home because it was cute,
323
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:14,288
but then turned out to be
not that great of a pet.
324
00:11:14,365 --> 00:11:17,667
Oof. Ham's really crappin'
the cake pan down there, huh?
325
00:11:17,678 --> 00:11:20,128
Yes, and it is his prerogative
to do so.
326
00:11:20,204 --> 00:11:22,514
He is an Alaskan singleton
now, as am I.
327
00:11:22,590 --> 00:11:24,849
Two individuals, living as two.
328
00:11:24,926 --> 00:11:26,634
But you're Alaskan twins!
329
00:11:26,711 --> 00:11:28,761
Yeah, well,
only in name these days.
330
00:11:28,838 --> 00:11:30,346
Alyson said
I need to let him go.
331
00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:31,856
But you hate letting things go!
332
00:11:31,933 --> 00:11:34,016
I know! I still have
all my retainers.
333
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:35,360
Even my SpongeBob SquarePants
retainer:
334
00:11:35,437 --> 00:11:37,019
SpongeMouth StraightTeeth!
335
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:39,689
Okay, so, maybe you don't have
to let him go.
336
00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:41,733
I mean, I didn't get
to be the living legend
337
00:11:41,809 --> 00:11:43,702
I am today all by myself.
338
00:11:43,778 --> 00:11:45,820
Of course not.
You had an entire team
339
00:11:45,897 --> 00:11:48,156
of managers, hair and makeup,
midwives, etcetera,
340
00:11:48,232 --> 00:11:49,907
at every step along the way!
341
00:11:49,984 --> 00:11:51,451
Yes, and that's exactly
the kind of encouragement
342
00:11:51,527 --> 00:11:52,952
and support that Ham needs.
343
00:11:53,029 --> 00:11:54,704
So maybe instead
of letting him go,
344
00:11:54,715 --> 00:11:56,289
you just need to hold
onto him differently,
345
00:11:56,365 --> 00:11:58,291
like, side-hug him or something.
346
00:11:58,367 --> 00:12:01,302
Ah. I'll side-hug him
first thing in the morning.
347
00:12:03,915 --> 00:12:06,099
Ham?
348
00:12:06,709 --> 00:12:09,302
HAM:
"I'm sorry. I can't do it.
349
00:12:09,378 --> 00:12:11,471
"Gone to turn in my whisk
and let the town know
350
00:12:11,547 --> 00:12:13,181
"that I've failed them. Ham.
351
00:12:13,257 --> 00:12:16,401
"P.S. Do you have any idea wher
I might turn in my whisk?
352
00:12:16,478 --> 00:12:19,988
P.P.S. Never mind. I have
to figure this out alone."
353
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:26,068
HAM: Okay, okay, okay,
there's the mayor. I'll just
354
00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:27,245
go over to him
and hand him my whisk,
355
00:12:27,322 --> 00:12:28,988
and say, "Here's my whisk."
356
00:12:29,065 --> 00:12:32,250
And he'll say, "Okay.
Why are you handing me a whisk?"
357
00:12:32,327 --> 00:12:35,161
And I'll say, "Because I'm not
baking a cake this year."
358
00:12:35,238 --> 00:12:38,256
And he'll say, "Oh, okay.
Do you want your whisk back?"
359
00:12:38,333 --> 00:12:42,543
And I'll say, "No. You keep
the whisk, Dear Mayor."
360
00:12:42,620 --> 00:12:45,838
And we will take a picture
with me, him and the whisk.
361
00:12:45,915 --> 00:12:48,600
And he will make me his deputy!
362
00:12:48,676 --> 00:12:50,092
Ham, stop right there!
363
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,552
Alaskan twins
don't let each other
364
00:12:51,629 --> 00:12:52,937
turn in their whisks.
365
00:12:53,014 --> 00:12:56,015
Look, while my canvas is
improv, poetry,
366
00:12:56,092 --> 00:12:58,109
theater, dance
and actual canvas...
367
00:12:58,186 --> 00:12:59,778
Oh, and frankly,
I mean, look, let's just...
368
00:12:59,854 --> 00:13:02,063
The world around me inspires me.
369
00:13:02,139 --> 00:13:04,899
Your canvas is cake,
and inside you,
370
00:13:04,976 --> 00:13:07,109
there's an amazing
not-people cake.
371
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,904
But it would be crazy,
and frankly unsafe,
372
00:13:09,981 --> 00:13:12,615
to expect you to give birth
to something that big
373
00:13:12,626 --> 00:13:14,116
without the help
of a licensed midwife.
374
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,077
Judy,
are you a licensed midwife?
375
00:13:16,153 --> 00:13:18,463
(laughs) Some day, perhaps
for a brief time after college.
376
00:13:18,540 --> 00:13:20,131
But what I'm saying is...
377
00:13:20,208 --> 00:13:23,501
Requesting permission
to report for cake duty, sir.
378
00:13:23,578 --> 00:13:25,962
Fall in, Private Icing. Fall in.
379
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:29,549
They say dead men tell no tales,
but this reminds me of a story.
380
00:13:29,625 --> 00:13:32,927
Shh. Your body is of the earth.
381
00:13:33,004 --> 00:13:37,315
Your limbs are still.
Your flesh is food.
382
00:13:37,392 --> 00:13:38,891
Whoa! I honestly never...
383
00:13:38,968 --> 00:13:41,319
Your mouth is shut.
384
00:13:41,396 --> 00:13:45,106
Your head is not nodding.
385
00:13:45,182 --> 00:13:47,900
(groans) Judy, is there
a reason I'm in my bathing suit?
386
00:13:47,977 --> 00:13:49,610
Just to manage
my own expectations.
387
00:13:49,687 --> 00:13:51,496
We're not going to a water park?
388
00:13:51,573 --> 00:13:52,997
If you want
to make a Feast Cake
389
00:13:53,074 --> 00:13:55,333
that really embodies the spirit
of the early settlers,
390
00:13:55,410 --> 00:13:57,660
then you need
to be an early settler,
391
00:13:57,671 --> 00:13:59,996
in all that they endured.
Are you cold?
392
00:14:00,006 --> 00:14:01,789
-Yes.
-Are you hungry?
393
00:14:01,866 --> 00:14:03,007
I had some chips.
394
00:14:03,084 --> 00:14:04,792
That's no good. Don't use that.
395
00:14:04,869 --> 00:14:08,671
All that was, no longer is.
396
00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:12,851
All that was,
no longer is.
397
00:14:12,927 --> 00:14:17,013
All that was, no longer is.
398
00:14:17,023 --> 00:14:19,015
Think of a time
when you were hungry.
399
00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:21,934
Uh, I wanted the food,
but I couldn't have the food.
400
00:14:22,011 --> 00:14:24,195
Yes! And bring that to the now!
401
00:14:24,272 --> 00:14:27,857
I want the food,
but I can't have the food!
402
00:14:27,868 --> 00:14:30,151
-Keep going!
-I...
403
00:14:30,227 --> 00:14:31,369
Yes, Ham. What?!
404
00:14:31,446 --> 00:14:33,613
I am the food!
405
00:14:33,689 --> 00:14:34,947
And what do you see?!
406
00:14:35,024 --> 00:14:36,708
I see people, Judy!
407
00:14:36,784 --> 00:14:38,701
Not not people.
408
00:14:38,712 --> 00:14:43,331
(cries)
Not not people.
409
00:14:43,407 --> 00:14:45,291
I know what I need to do.
410
00:14:45,368 --> 00:14:48,127
Okay great.
All that was, no longer is.
411
00:14:48,204 --> 00:14:49,962
And etcetera. Got it.
412
00:14:50,039 --> 00:14:54,058
Okay, I mean, we should probably
spend a lot more time on this,
413
00:14:54,135 --> 00:14:57,303
but it's dark, and I don't want
to miss tuck-in.
414
00:14:57,380 --> 00:14:59,013
Dad only makes one round.
415
00:14:59,090 --> 00:15:02,108
If you're not in bed,
he just keeps walking.
416
00:15:03,144 --> 00:15:07,688
♪ Here we are stuck together ♪
417
00:15:07,765 --> 00:15:10,650
♪ Working till the break
of day ♪
418
00:15:10,726 --> 00:15:15,237
♪ Side by side,
it feels so good ♪
419
00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:16,915
♪ To feel this way ♪
420
00:15:20,086 --> 00:15:23,412
♪ We're making
something good ♪
421
00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:26,174
♪ To greet the day ♪
422
00:15:28,002 --> 00:15:30,595
♪ To greet the day. ♪
423
00:15:30,672 --> 00:15:33,756
-My God, you've done it.
-Done what?
424
00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:35,049
Oh, the cake! Yeah!
425
00:15:35,126 --> 00:15:37,218
Yup, yup, yup,
the cake, the cake. Yup. Yup.
426
00:15:37,294 --> 00:15:40,271
WOLF:
Can you help me
with my competitor wristband?
427
00:15:40,348 --> 00:15:42,607
Uh, these little bleedies
still aren't quite broken in.
428
00:15:42,684 --> 00:15:45,226
Okay. Ooh. Uh, Wolf?
429
00:15:45,302 --> 00:15:46,852
What? What is it?
430
00:15:46,929 --> 00:15:49,397
"Turn Holdems right side out
before wearing"?!
431
00:15:49,473 --> 00:15:52,450
(whimpers):
Oh, God. Does that mean...?
432
00:15:52,527 --> 00:15:55,069
No! Get them off! Dad, get 'em.
433
00:15:55,146 --> 00:15:56,696
Oh, no. I had too many liqs!
434
00:15:56,772 --> 00:15:58,456
That's what I call liquids!
(gasps)
435
00:15:58,533 --> 00:16:01,742
Son, I think something
just spilled in your pocket
436
00:16:01,819 --> 00:16:03,962
from your penis
all over your pants.
437
00:16:04,038 --> 00:16:05,955
That's pee... from my blad!
438
00:16:05,966 --> 00:16:07,465
Come on, buddy. That's okay.
439
00:16:07,542 --> 00:16:10,635
-Oh, God, your hands!
-I'm a monster!
440
00:16:10,712 --> 00:16:13,713
A monster covered in urine!
441
00:16:13,789 --> 00:16:18,217
And my abs hurt when I sob
because of that dumb abpp!
442
00:16:18,294 --> 00:16:21,595
-(whistle blows)
-Let's go, uh, win that trophy!
443
00:16:21,672 --> 00:16:24,482
(sobbing)
444
00:16:24,559 --> 00:16:26,359
♪ ♪
445
00:16:30,181 --> 00:16:33,065
-And up!
-It's no use, Dad!
446
00:16:33,142 --> 00:16:36,027
You were right not to want
to do this with me!
447
00:16:36,103 --> 00:16:38,112
The only thing I'm good at
is letting you down.
448
00:16:38,189 --> 00:16:40,114
You haven't let me down, Wolf.
449
00:16:40,191 --> 00:16:42,450
-You've lifted me up!
-No, I haven't.
450
00:16:42,526 --> 00:16:44,452
My hands, Dad. Did you forget?
451
00:16:44,528 --> 00:16:46,996
Your hands are
a terrifying inspiration.
452
00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:49,081
A hideous testament
to your passion.
453
00:16:49,158 --> 00:16:51,167
-They are?
-After all these years
454
00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:54,628
and all these wins, I had lost
the thrill of true hardship.
455
00:16:54,705 --> 00:16:56,839
But now, seeing you out here
456
00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:59,759
in your pee-pee pants
with your bloody paws,
457
00:16:59,835 --> 00:17:02,520
sobbing like a crazy baby
but still going,
458
00:17:02,597 --> 00:17:06,098
you've made me proud
to be on Team Tobin again.
459
00:17:06,175 --> 00:17:08,142
Thanks, Dad. Let's do this.
460
00:17:08,219 --> 00:17:10,519
Nope, sorry, can't.
No way, no how.
461
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:13,364
Yes, you can! I've got too much
swagger to be a cadaver.
462
00:17:13,441 --> 00:17:16,484
Yeah!
Okay! Now let's win that trophy!
463
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:20,696
Diondra is going to lose her
newscaster mind over this cake.
464
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,707
Do you think she'll call you
the "Bad Boy of Cake"
465
00:17:22,742 --> 00:17:24,542
or the "Cake Whisperer"?
466
00:17:24,619 --> 00:17:27,787
No. No, no, no, no!
The engine can't give out now!
467
00:17:27,863 --> 00:17:29,964
(gasps)
Jean Claude Van damn it!
468
00:17:34,078 --> 00:17:35,711
Ugh!
The countdown clock is probably
469
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:37,546
almost all counted down.
We'll never make it in time.
470
00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:39,724
And the cake is too heavy for
the two of us to carry that far!
471
00:17:39,801 --> 00:17:41,392
Ham, don't give up! (gasps)
472
00:17:41,469 --> 00:17:43,344
I think
I see the cadaver dashers!
473
00:17:43,420 --> 00:17:45,137
-Help!
-Wait. Do you hear that?
474
00:17:45,214 --> 00:17:46,722
-Judy?
-Judy?
475
00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:48,900
Dad! Wolf!
We need hands over here!
476
00:17:48,976 --> 00:17:51,069
Try again
for that trophy next year?
477
00:17:51,145 --> 00:17:54,522
Dad, I promise you that my bod
will be so smokin' by then.
478
00:17:54,598 --> 00:17:57,241
Moon, come on, we've got to go
help your brother and sister.
479
00:17:57,318 --> 00:18:00,903
Man, he's good. See you later,
little Daniel Dead-Lewis.
480
00:18:00,914 --> 00:18:02,238
-Careful, careful.
-Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
481
00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:04,082
-Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
-Uh, you know what?
482
00:18:04,158 --> 00:18:05,407
Maybe I'll help carry,
and you can just direct us?
483
00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:07,034
You got it, Cake Lady.
484
00:18:07,111 --> 00:18:10,246
-Five, four, three, two...
-Step back, everyone!
485
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:11,997
-Step back!
-The Feast Cake!
-There it is!
486
00:18:12,074 --> 00:18:15,751
Hello, everyone.
It's me, Ham Tobin.
487
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:19,338
But you might know me better
as... the Cake Lady.
488
00:18:19,415 --> 00:18:20,881
-(overlapping shouting)
-No way!
489
00:18:20,958 --> 00:18:22,341
Yes, believe it.
490
00:18:22,418 --> 00:18:25,427
And I'm here to reveal
to you my very first Feast Cake.
491
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:27,105
I hope you like it.
492
00:18:27,181 --> 00:18:28,514
-(gasping)
-MAN: It's a people!
493
00:18:28,591 --> 00:18:29,557
My eyes!
494
00:18:29,633 --> 00:18:30,933
No! Don't look away!
495
00:18:30,944 --> 00:18:33,435
But we eat not people
in this town!
496
00:18:33,488 --> 00:18:36,114
I am confused.
So, are we not eating people,
497
00:18:36,190 --> 00:18:37,949
or not not eating people now?
498
00:18:38,025 --> 00:18:40,526
I'm fine either way.
Just someone let me know.
499
00:18:40,603 --> 00:18:42,120
No, we don't eat people,
500
00:18:42,196 --> 00:18:44,780
but we are afraid
that we used to eat them,
501
00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,949
and that somehow,
we might eat them again.
502
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:48,626
It wasn't
until my sister Judy took me
503
00:18:48,703 --> 00:18:50,202
into the woods for a non-sexual
504
00:18:50,279 --> 00:18:52,621
role-playing exercise
that I finally realized.
505
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:55,583
The best thing you can do
with a fear is confront it.
506
00:18:55,659 --> 00:18:59,962
Me facing my cake fear means
that we can all face our fears.
507
00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:03,215
My fear that my ears will slide
right off my head in the shower?
508
00:19:03,292 --> 00:19:06,635
Yes, uh-huh, sure.
But also our biggest fear!
509
00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:08,312
Our fear of the truth.
510
00:19:08,389 --> 00:19:11,557
The early settlers
didn't eat not people.
511
00:19:11,634 --> 00:19:15,987
What they ate, what we ate,
was people.
512
00:19:16,063 --> 00:19:17,438
Ham Tobin is right.
513
00:19:17,514 --> 00:19:19,323
We used to rely on each other
to be food,
514
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:22,651
but now, we rely on each other
to be friends.
515
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,328
Damn it, Peppers, you got me.
516
00:19:24,405 --> 00:19:26,488
Cake Lady, would you
do us the honor
517
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:28,407
of cutting the first slice
of people?
518
00:19:28,484 --> 00:19:31,076
I'd be honored to do that honor,
Your Honor.
519
00:19:31,153 --> 00:19:32,494
(crowd screams)
520
00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:34,955
It's okay.
It's just runny Jell-O.
521
00:19:34,990 --> 00:19:36,165
DIONDRA:
Mmm...
522
00:19:36,176 --> 00:19:39,251
Mm-mm-mm.
Diondra Tundra here live
523
00:19:39,328 --> 00:19:41,670
with the final Feast report,
where facing our fears
524
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:44,506
never tasted so good,
thanks to Lone Moose's new
525
00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:47,218
William Cake-speare,
Cake Lady Ham Tobin.
526
00:19:47,294 --> 00:19:50,930
(sighs)
Well, imaginary best friend
Alani--
527
00:19:51,006 --> 00:19:52,973
Whoa! (nervous chuckle)
Just coming out here to see
528
00:19:53,050 --> 00:19:54,350
if any of the shingles
need replacing.
529
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:56,185
Out here talking
to yourself again?
530
00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:58,687
-Hmm. Yeah.
-Aw, that's cool.
531
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:00,698
I-I won't take up
too much of your time.
532
00:20:00,775 --> 00:20:03,359
I just wanted to say
thanks for your help.
533
00:20:03,369 --> 00:20:04,610
That's what Alaskan twins
are for.
534
00:20:04,687 --> 00:20:07,029
Yeah, I don't know
what I'd do without you.
535
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,040
Probably die or, like,
maybe come up with
536
00:20:09,116 --> 00:20:10,824
some other coping mechanism.
537
00:20:10,901 --> 00:20:14,545
-Same. Do you have time
for our secret handshake?
-Always.
538
00:20:14,622 --> 00:20:16,956
BOTH:
Flim, flam, Judy, Ham.
539
00:20:17,032 --> 00:20:18,874
I am scallop, you are clam.
540
00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:20,876
Underwater, out of sight,
541
00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:22,795
Mollusks in the dark of night.
542
00:20:22,871 --> 00:20:26,173
It's spooky.
It's spooky!
543
00:20:26,250 --> 00:20:28,050
-Oh, hey.
-Hey, what?
544
00:20:28,061 --> 00:20:29,876
-Night vision.
-Let's strut.
545
00:20:29,954 --> 00:20:32,563
BOTH:
Brother-sister-brother-sister-
brother-sister-brother-sister.
546
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:35,391
Clap, chihuahua.
Snap, clap chihuahua.
547
00:20:35,401 --> 00:20:38,310
I said clap, chihuahua.
Snap, clap chihuahua.
548
00:20:38,387 --> 00:20:39,687
-What?
-Wha...
549
00:20:39,763 --> 00:20:41,230
BOTH:
I went to school
and took a look,
550
00:20:41,241 --> 00:20:42,982
and this is how
I read my book.
551
00:20:43,058 --> 00:20:45,025
"Happy families are all alike.
552
00:20:45,102 --> 00:20:47,912
Every unhappy family
is unhappy in its own..."
553
00:20:47,989 --> 00:20:51,323
waaaay out!
Waaaay out!
554
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:53,709
Outhouse, outmouse,
out tailored blouse.
555
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:58,247
♪ There's a jar full of teeth ♪
556
00:20:58,258 --> 00:21:00,249
♪ It's been sitting out
all week ♪
557
00:21:00,260 --> 00:21:03,669
♪ And I wish I knew
how many teeth were in it ♪
558
00:21:03,746 --> 00:21:05,587
♪ So I'll look at it
and I'll focus ♪
559
00:21:05,598 --> 00:21:07,765
♪ Because if your guess
is closest ♪
560
00:21:07,842 --> 00:21:11,218
♪ Then you get to keep the jar,
that's right, you win it ♪
561
00:21:11,295 --> 00:21:13,262
♪ And there's nothing
in the world ♪
562
00:21:13,273 --> 00:21:14,847
♪ That I couldn't do ♪
563
00:21:14,923 --> 00:21:18,225
♪ With that big old batch
of fangs in my life ♪
564
00:21:18,302 --> 00:21:20,352
♪ She'd be my wife ♪
565
00:21:20,429 --> 00:21:22,271
♪ Oh, those teeth would
complete me ♪
566
00:21:22,282 --> 00:21:24,106
♪ I would kiss each one
so sweetly ♪
567
00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:27,618
♪ Oh, how many teeth
can be inside that jar? ♪
568
00:21:28,362 --> 00:21:30,237
Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
569
00:21:30,314 --> 00:21:31,622
and TOYOTA