1 00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:03,169 ♪ Look up there ♪ 2 00:00:03,169 --> 00:00:05,922 - ♪ What do you see? ♪ - ♪ Nature and stuff ♪ 3 00:00:05,922 --> 00:00:07,590 - ♪ Like a rock ♪ - ♪ And a tree ♪ 4 00:00:07,590 --> 00:00:10,719 [all] ♪ Hup, the Great North ♪ 5 00:00:10,719 --> 00:00:13,763 {\an8}- ♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪ - [all] ♪ Hup, hey, oh ♪ 6 00:00:13,763 --> 00:00:16,891 {\an8}- ♪ Catch some fish ♪ - ♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪ 7 00:00:16,891 --> 00:00:17,892 {\an8}♪ Wow ♪ 8 00:00:17,892 --> 00:00:21,104 {\an8}♪ Hup, the Great North ♪ 9 00:00:21,104 --> 00:00:23,106 - ♪ Here we live ♪ - [all] ♪ Hup, oh ♪ 10 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,357 - ♪ Here we'll stay ♪ - ♪ Whoo ♪ 11 00:00:24,357 --> 00:00:26,192 ♪ From longest night to longest day ♪ 12 00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:29,237 ♪ In the Great North ♪ 13 00:00:31,906 --> 00:00:33,700 {\an8}[cheering] 14 00:00:35,410 --> 00:00:38,204 {\an8}Ham, I love that you made my pancake into a little face, 15 00:00:38,204 --> 00:00:41,583 {\an8}but I regret to inform you that now I simply cannot eat Gerard. 16 00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:43,293 {\an8}Gonna have a tough life in Alaska 17 00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:45,462 {\an8}if you can't bring yourself to eat a friend, doll. 18 00:00:45,462 --> 00:00:48,840 {\an8}Hmm, okay. How about a piece of my practice flan instead? 19 00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:51,926 {\an8}Dad ate most of them yesterday, but there's a few left. 20 00:00:51,926 --> 00:00:53,011 {\an8}Figures, for centuries, 21 00:00:53,011 --> 00:00:55,680 {\an8}men have been eating more than their fair share of the flan. 22 00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:57,098 {\an8}Preach! Pigs. 23 00:00:57,098 --> 00:01:00,226 {\an8}Whoo! My brother's gonna be a celebrity for making a flan 24 00:01:00,226 --> 00:01:02,187 {\an8}for a real professional restaurant. 25 00:01:02,187 --> 00:01:04,981 {\an8}You must feel like the nonfamous Hemsworth right about now, huh? 26 00:01:04,981 --> 00:01:07,275 {\an8}Yep. Invisible but proud. 27 00:01:07,275 --> 00:01:10,570 {\an8}Which menu will your flan be on? Regular, kids' or seniors'? 28 00:01:10,570 --> 00:01:12,113 {\an8}- All three, bébé. - [Judy] Ooh la la. 29 00:01:12,113 --> 00:01:14,240 {\an8}Holy hot dogs, Ham. 30 00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:15,533 {\an8}Hey. Where's Dad? 31 00:01:15,533 --> 00:01:17,911 {\an8}He usually only takes a three-and-a-half minute shower, 32 00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:20,205 {\an8}but he's been in there 14 minutes now. 33 00:01:20,205 --> 00:01:22,373 {\an8}Hmm. I mean, he's probably just way in the zone 34 00:01:22,373 --> 00:01:24,542 {\an8}getting all those papa nooks and dad crannies. 35 00:01:24,542 --> 00:01:27,545 {\an8}Wolf, how many times do I have to ask you not to say "dad crannies"? 36 00:01:27,545 --> 00:01:29,798 {\an8}- Many more, probably. - [Beef groans] 37 00:01:29,798 --> 00:01:31,174 {\an8}- Was that Dad? - [muffled thud] 38 00:01:31,174 --> 00:01:32,550 {\an8}[Beef groans] 39 00:01:33,051 --> 00:01:36,554 {\an8}- Dad, you okay in there? - [Beef] Perfect. [screams] 40 00:01:36,554 --> 00:01:39,182 {\an8}Oh! Ah-- Eh-- Whoops. Closing the door. 41 00:01:39,182 --> 00:01:41,726 {\an8}Uh, but, Dad... [stammers] ...sounds like you're in pain. 42 00:01:41,726 --> 00:01:43,311 {\an8}[straining] I am fine, Son. 43 00:01:43,311 --> 00:01:46,523 {\an8}[yelps] I'm just having a little pain in my midsection 44 00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:48,358 {\an8}and chest and back. 45 00:01:48,358 --> 00:01:49,692 {\an8}- Chest? - And back. 46 00:01:49,692 --> 00:01:51,778 {\an8}[straining] Probably just pulled some muscles. 47 00:01:51,778 --> 00:01:54,489 {\an8}You want me to, uh... [stammers] ...come in and get your towel for you? 48 00:01:54,489 --> 00:01:57,534 {\an8}[Beef] No, thank you, Son. I shall use nature's towel: 49 00:01:57,534 --> 00:01:58,785 {\an8}standing here. 50 00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:01,579 {\an8}- [groaning] - Hey, Dad. You doing okay? 51 00:02:01,579 --> 00:02:05,291 {\an8}Do not worry, Ham. Just pulled a few muscles in the shower. 52 00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:06,376 Makes perfect sense... 53 00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:08,545 - [groaning continues] - ...but may I also suggest you see a doctor? 54 00:02:08,545 --> 00:02:12,715 Nonsense. I'll go see the magical glacial water pipe in Death Cliff today 55 00:02:12,715 --> 00:02:14,801 and drink its healing waters. [groaning] 56 00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:17,720 Mother Pipe? Dad, that's a very cool legend, 57 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:21,141 but maybe we see a real doctor instead of a leaky metal tube. 58 00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:25,353 No, thank you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I better get ready for my journey. 59 00:02:25,353 --> 00:02:26,437 Ow. [groans] 60 00:02:26,437 --> 00:02:28,148 [moans] That's good. 61 00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,691 [grunts] Oh! 62 00:02:29,691 --> 00:02:31,234 - [Ham] Dad butt! - [Moon] Hell no! 63 00:02:31,234 --> 00:02:32,819 Good thinking, towel. 64 00:02:32,819 --> 00:02:35,780 I am perfectly dry. [groans] 65 00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:38,116 Huh, so the crooked butt crack runs in the family. 66 00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:39,450 - [Judy, Ham] Uh-huh. - [Wolf] Yep. 67 00:02:39,450 --> 00:02:42,036 My poops come out in a curlicue, like soft-serve ice cream. 68 00:02:42,537 --> 00:02:46,291 Well, it was great to see you, Veronica. We can't let two years go by again. 69 00:02:46,291 --> 00:02:48,376 I was relieved when you reached out to me. 70 00:02:48,376 --> 00:02:50,253 Funny story, I thought you were dead. 71 00:02:50,253 --> 00:02:51,713 - Really? - Uh, yeah. 72 00:02:51,713 --> 00:02:54,966 Everyone in Fresno said you followed some guy into the wilderness. 73 00:02:54,966 --> 00:02:56,926 [chuckles] I've seen Dateline, Honeybee. 74 00:02:56,926 --> 00:02:58,428 I know how those stories end. 75 00:02:58,428 --> 00:03:01,264 Uh, I didn't just followed a guy. I fell in love. 76 00:03:01,264 --> 00:03:03,766 Is someone making you say that right now? 77 00:03:03,766 --> 00:03:05,018 Blink three times if yes. 78 00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:07,645 [chuckles] I just got married and moved away. 79 00:03:07,645 --> 00:03:11,149 Okay, it's just-- If anything, a guy should be following you. 80 00:03:11,941 --> 00:03:13,234 Oh, crap. I gotta go. 81 00:03:13,234 --> 00:03:15,486 My neighbor's kid is looking through my window again. 82 00:03:15,486 --> 00:03:17,280 Get outta here, Hans! 83 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:19,407 Bye, Honeybee. Don't lose yourself up there. 84 00:03:19,407 --> 00:03:20,992 - [computer beeps] - Whatever, Veronica. 85 00:03:20,992 --> 00:03:23,077 I didn't follow a guy. I'm a leader. 86 00:03:23,077 --> 00:03:25,830 In fact, I'm gonna lead myself on a walk around the property. 87 00:03:25,830 --> 00:03:26,915 And because I want to. 88 00:03:26,915 --> 00:03:29,709 Not because it's one of the only things you can do around this place. 89 00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:33,046 [groans] Okay. 90 00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:35,131 Oh. There she is. 91 00:03:35,131 --> 00:03:37,884 - Mother Pipe, Alaska's doctor. - [opera music plays] 92 00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:39,469 Sweet mountain nectar. 93 00:03:39,469 --> 00:03:42,347 [groaning] 94 00:03:43,806 --> 00:03:44,933 [sighs] 95 00:03:44,933 --> 00:03:49,145 Thank you, dear Mother. I have suckled and been made whole. 96 00:03:49,145 --> 00:03:50,230 - [music stops] - [screams] 97 00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:52,565 [grunts] 98 00:03:52,565 --> 00:03:56,277 Better go have one more sip to heal these fresh wounds. 99 00:03:56,277 --> 00:03:59,447 - [groaning] - [music continues] 100 00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:01,783 I mean, who does Veronica think she is? 101 00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:03,618 So what if I moved up here for a guy? 102 00:04:03,618 --> 00:04:06,329 What? I should've stayed at Fresno working at the curtain store? 103 00:04:06,329 --> 00:04:07,914 My dad playing Steely Dan all day-- 104 00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:09,666 Ooh! What in the-- 105 00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:12,877 {\an8}"Wife"? That's all they put on this lady's grave? 106 00:04:12,877 --> 00:04:15,588 No name? Well, maybe there's something on the back. 107 00:04:15,588 --> 00:04:17,131 Mmm, nope. 108 00:04:17,131 --> 00:04:19,801 You poor girl. You gotta be more than just "Wife." 109 00:04:19,801 --> 00:04:22,762 I gotta get to the bottom of this. All right, Wife. You wait right here. 110 00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:24,931 Which you have to, 'cause you're dead. 111 00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:26,349 Uh-- I-I'll be right back. 112 00:04:26,849 --> 00:04:29,435 [Aunt Dirt] Thanks for taking me by the grocery store. 113 00:04:29,435 --> 00:04:33,606 I still can't believe you can buy a fully cooked chicken every single day. 114 00:04:33,606 --> 00:04:37,694 [moans] Good. And they did not skimp on the bones. 115 00:04:38,444 --> 00:04:41,698 Oh, hey, kids. Your dad went to suck on that drainage pipe or whatever it is, 116 00:04:41,698 --> 00:04:42,991 so he sent us to get you. 117 00:04:44,909 --> 00:04:48,788 So, guys, have you seen this grave out in the woods that's just labeled "Wife"? 118 00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:51,666 Yep. I have that grave marked on my cemetery map of Lone Moose 119 00:04:51,666 --> 00:04:53,835 for when the zombie apocalypse starts. 120 00:04:53,835 --> 00:04:55,712 Hell if Wife is gonna eat my brain. 121 00:04:55,712 --> 00:04:58,673 Well, she's eating my brain already, 'cause she's all I can think about. 122 00:04:58,673 --> 00:05:01,843 That poor woman is just lying out there in a hole marked "Wife." 123 00:05:01,843 --> 00:05:03,011 Not even a name. 124 00:05:03,011 --> 00:05:04,846 I've seen that grave like a million times 125 00:05:04,846 --> 00:05:07,265 and just kinda shrugged it off as vintage sexism. 126 00:05:07,265 --> 00:05:10,018 But, yeah, no one deserves to just be thrown in a hole 127 00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:11,561 and labeled with the W-word. 128 00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:14,063 Unless the W-word is "Wassup." 129 00:05:14,063 --> 00:05:15,940 Can you even imagine that on a grave? 130 00:05:15,940 --> 00:05:18,985 I'll think I'll do a little research and find out who this woman was. 131 00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:21,070 Maybe I can share her accomplishments with the world. 132 00:05:21,070 --> 00:05:23,239 - Oh, I'm in. - Let's dig up her secrets. 133 00:05:23,239 --> 00:05:24,490 And maybe her jewelry. 134 00:05:25,616 --> 00:05:28,244 - [groaning] - [chattering on TV] 135 00:05:28,244 --> 00:05:31,706 Hey, Dad. That's a pretty fun noise you're making. 136 00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:35,168 Mmm, you aren't by any chance still in pain, are you, Father? 137 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:39,505 [straining] Nope. I suckled the pipe, and her nectars are at this very moment 138 00:05:39,505 --> 00:05:42,592 coating my insides in a thick layer of health. 139 00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:44,385 - Good, 'cause my flan reveal... - [Beef groans] 140 00:05:44,385 --> 00:05:47,305 ...is at lunch tomorrow, and I need you at full eating strength. 141 00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:49,515 - [cheering on TV] - Oh, hey, Slippity Dips is starting. 142 00:05:49,515 --> 00:05:53,102 In our first Slippity clip, a mailman named Floyd makes 143 00:05:53,102 --> 00:05:54,937 - a "Floydian" slip. - [Floyd] Whoa! 144 00:05:54,937 --> 00:05:56,022 [all laugh] 145 00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:58,399 - [Beef groans] - Oh. Uh, Dad. 146 00:05:58,399 --> 00:06:00,276 God, we really should get you to the doctor. 147 00:06:00,276 --> 00:06:02,403 - Like, now. - Nonsense. 148 00:06:02,403 --> 00:06:06,783 In this next slip, a child falls in a ravine in a funny way. 149 00:06:06,783 --> 00:06:10,036 [laughing, groaning] 150 00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:14,874 Guys, I'm hella worried about Dad. 151 00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:18,044 I googled his symptoms, and it could be anything from muscle spasm 152 00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:21,005 to a heart attack, to something called haunted pancreas. 153 00:06:21,005 --> 00:06:24,384 I'm worried too. But it's impossible to get that man to a doctor. 154 00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:27,470 Remember when one of his feet faced the wrong way for like a year? 155 00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:30,973 Of course. I had to tie the boot on the backwards one every morning. 156 00:06:30,973 --> 00:06:34,060 But this isn't gonna be like that, because I have a plan. 157 00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:36,354 It's not just giving him compliments, is it? 158 00:06:36,354 --> 00:06:38,189 Yeah, there'll be a little of that, sure. 159 00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:41,943 But here's what we do. We give him the doctor exam, sneaky style. 160 00:06:41,943 --> 00:06:43,653 - Right here at home. - Fun. 161 00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:46,656 Dibs on nodding reassuringly while listening through a stethoscope. 162 00:06:46,656 --> 00:06:49,784 Okay. Operation HPV is a go. 163 00:06:49,784 --> 00:06:52,161 Heal papa victoriously. 164 00:06:52,161 --> 00:06:54,122 Love the plan, hate the name. 165 00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:56,916 - All right, hands in. H-P-- - [drumroll] 166 00:06:56,916 --> 00:06:59,001 - [drumroll ends] - Oh, it's just gonna be me? Fine. 167 00:06:59,001 --> 00:07:00,294 V! 168 00:07:03,214 --> 00:07:04,424 [Wolf] Okay, here he comes. 169 00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,175 Time to get into our dad's body. 170 00:07:06,175 --> 00:07:09,011 Oh, my God. It's like you've never heard a word you've said. 171 00:07:09,011 --> 00:07:11,347 [groaning] 172 00:07:12,682 --> 00:07:14,434 - Oh. Hello, Father. - [groaning continues] 173 00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,811 How was work this morning? Good haul? 174 00:07:16,811 --> 00:07:18,813 - Kill a lot of fish? - Mm-hmm. 175 00:07:18,813 --> 00:07:20,064 Cool, cool. 176 00:07:20,064 --> 00:07:24,277 And, uh, brisk wind out on the sea? Any difficulty breathing? 177 00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:27,238 The breathing was... [groans] ...great. 178 00:07:27,238 --> 00:07:29,907 Oh, Dad. Uh-- Just, uh, wondering 179 00:07:29,907 --> 00:07:33,619 when you hauled the fish in, which of these faces did you feel like? 180 00:07:33,619 --> 00:07:35,872 None. Those guys are all hotter than me. 181 00:07:35,872 --> 00:07:36,956 Uh, okay. 182 00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:39,667 Ugh, guys, I've got a big problem. 183 00:07:39,667 --> 00:07:43,629 I have a project for science class, and the topic is older men's urine. 184 00:07:43,629 --> 00:07:45,298 I remember that unit. 185 00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:48,092 But I forgot to collect an older man's pee. 186 00:07:48,092 --> 00:07:50,803 Damn it. [sighs] Guess I'll just fail. 187 00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:52,054 That sucks. 188 00:07:52,054 --> 00:07:53,514 Unless... 189 00:07:53,514 --> 00:07:56,809 Dad, could you pee in this cup and then write your name on it, 190 00:07:56,809 --> 00:08:00,146 and then seal it, and then write today's date, and the give it back to me? 191 00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:02,023 I'll surely get an A. 192 00:08:02,023 --> 00:08:04,734 Yeah, with dad's pee in your pocket, you can't lose. 193 00:08:04,734 --> 00:08:07,653 Gentlemen, I was not birthed yesterday. 194 00:08:07,653 --> 00:08:10,114 I see that you three are trying to give me 195 00:08:10,114 --> 00:08:13,117 some kind of at-home doctor's exam. 196 00:08:13,117 --> 00:08:14,202 Geez, Dad. 197 00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:18,080 All we asked for was a little bit of pee, and suddenly we lose all trust? 198 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:19,165 Son, cut it out. 199 00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:21,751 My body is private even to myself. 200 00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:24,962 That's why there's a curtain around it called my skin. 201 00:08:24,962 --> 00:08:28,299 - But, Dad, you really-- - Put your "but, Dad" in your butt, Son. 202 00:08:28,299 --> 00:08:30,259 Can no one hear themselves? 203 00:08:30,259 --> 00:08:31,385 Now, if you'll excuse me, 204 00:08:31,385 --> 00:08:34,555 I'm going to head back to Mother Pipe for another sip. 205 00:08:34,555 --> 00:08:37,683 But, Dad, my flan debut is at the restaurant today at lunch. 206 00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:39,018 You promised to go. 207 00:08:39,018 --> 00:08:44,106 I'll meet you there at noo... [groaning] ...oon. 208 00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:49,862 Should we just take his pee by force? 209 00:08:49,862 --> 00:08:54,116 Damn it. If we can't get Dad to a doctor, maybe we can get a doctor to Dad. 210 00:08:54,116 --> 00:08:57,870 Yep. One way or another, we have got to push those D's together. 211 00:08:57,870 --> 00:08:59,622 Okay, now I'm doing it. 212 00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:02,875 {\an8}All right. We know that Wife's grave is from 1888. 213 00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:06,170 And it says here that some very unprepared British settlers came here 214 00:09:06,170 --> 00:09:08,631 to join some other European idiots around that time. 215 00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:12,468 Yeah, dumb white people was definitely the early Lone Moose vibe. 216 00:09:12,468 --> 00:09:15,304 Ugh. But she could be any of these smokin' '80s babes. 217 00:09:15,304 --> 00:09:17,014 How do I match a face with a grave? 218 00:09:17,014 --> 00:09:21,686 Well, maybe we should just give up and go over to Ham's big flan menu reveal? 219 00:09:21,686 --> 00:09:24,939 I mean, maybe one of these gals wasn't as dumb as the others. 220 00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:28,067 Maybe she was actually a big city girl from London, 221 00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:31,279 and her name was something like Persephogenia Lumpnobble. 222 00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:34,949 And she was an Associate Professor of Squalor Studies who'd come to do research. 223 00:09:34,949 --> 00:09:36,033 Now, back then, 224 00:09:36,033 --> 00:09:40,371 {\an8}most of the dumb European settlers lived in holes in a big old mud and poop lake. 225 00:09:40,371 --> 00:09:42,707 Mmm. Such wonderful squalor. 226 00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:45,418 It's wall-to-wall squal around here. 227 00:09:46,043 --> 00:09:48,337 [Honeybee] They weren't used to strangers in Lone Moose, 228 00:09:48,337 --> 00:09:50,464 so this beauty stood out like a ravishing thumb. 229 00:09:50,464 --> 00:09:54,760 And then, a squalid but handsome gentleman extended his dirty hand to her. 230 00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:56,512 Oh, wa-wa-wee-wah. 231 00:09:56,512 --> 00:09:59,599 Pardon me, ma'am. I can tell by how little dirt you have in your teeth 232 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:00,933 that you're not from around here. 233 00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:03,603 Might I take you on a tour of our nasty neighborhood? 234 00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:05,688 This is our pile of dead animals. 235 00:10:05,688 --> 00:10:07,440 This is our pile of dead people. 236 00:10:07,940 --> 00:10:09,150 And this is our playground. 237 00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:10,234 [gurgles] 238 00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:13,738 I have an idea that could change things for all of you. 239 00:10:13,738 --> 00:10:17,783 It's a reverse hole above the ground and we call it a house. 240 00:10:17,783 --> 00:10:21,704 And maybe Persephogenia taught all the dum-dums about houses, 241 00:10:21,704 --> 00:10:23,080 and they stopped living in holes. 242 00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:24,874 And she was about to return to London 243 00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:27,251 when the Townie did something super romantic. 244 00:10:27,251 --> 00:10:29,920 Miss Clean Lady, I want you to have this. 245 00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:32,757 It's a hideous corn husk doll I made for you. 246 00:10:32,757 --> 00:10:35,468 Ma'am, mightn't we become betrothed in wedlock 247 00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:38,179 and grow to the ripe old age of 35 together? 248 00:10:38,179 --> 00:10:39,388 [Honeybee] And she said yes. 249 00:10:39,388 --> 00:10:42,433 And then one day they went to a Beaver Corpse baseball game and... 250 00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:44,143 [all gasp, scream] 251 00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:45,269 [Honeybee] ...she died. 252 00:10:45,269 --> 00:10:47,396 And because the nasty Townie never learnt her name, 253 00:10:47,396 --> 00:10:51,359 he paid a local child in tobacco to just chisel "Wife" on her headstone. 254 00:10:51,359 --> 00:10:54,236 And then I guess everyone forgot about her and her contributions, 255 00:10:54,236 --> 00:10:55,821 including her friend Veronica. 256 00:10:55,821 --> 00:10:58,324 [grunts] Poor Persephogenia Lumpnobble. 257 00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:00,743 And poor us, 'cause we still don't have any answers. 258 00:11:00,743 --> 00:11:03,621 But I'm thinking maybe we should check the old census records 259 00:11:03,621 --> 00:11:04,872 at the historical society. 260 00:11:04,872 --> 00:11:08,084 Oh, wow! I'm excited. You guys excited? 261 00:11:08,084 --> 00:11:09,502 I'm just kidding. Let's go. 262 00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:11,921 Thanks for wearing the disguise, Dr. Callahan. 263 00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:14,423 It'll help us get you close enough to Dad to examine him. 264 00:11:14,423 --> 00:11:15,508 Sure. I mean, 265 00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:18,302 I mostly do this kind of thing for kids who are scared of the doctor, 266 00:11:18,302 --> 00:11:21,514 and also pirate meetups, and once in my private life. 267 00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:22,848 - I'm happy to help. - [Wolf] Great. 268 00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:24,975 We really don't want our dad to die. 269 00:11:24,975 --> 00:11:27,228 I'm not ready to be the Tobin patriarch yet. 270 00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:28,896 I don't even know when trash day is. 271 00:11:28,896 --> 00:11:30,231 So, here's the plan: 272 00:11:30,231 --> 00:11:33,067 Approach the table, claim to be a fellow sea captain-- 273 00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:35,528 which dad will love 'cause he's a real captain hound-- 274 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,947 then give him a long hug and listen to his heart. 275 00:11:37,947 --> 00:11:40,449 Bada bing, bada boom. You diagnose our dad. 276 00:11:41,659 --> 00:11:42,660 What the-- 277 00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:44,328 [hums] 278 00:11:44,328 --> 00:11:46,163 Ha-ha! Hello, boys. 279 00:11:46,163 --> 00:11:50,042 Guess who's all better? For real this time, and I am not lying. 280 00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:52,795 Enter and let us celebrate your brother's flan. 281 00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:56,257 Our father sucked upon a pipe and he had been healed. 282 00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:57,633 Hallelujah. 283 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,889 So you really feel all better? 284 00:12:03,889 --> 00:12:06,142 [Beef] Yep. Pardon me for starting without you, 285 00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:08,811 but I haven't been able to eat much the past few days. 286 00:12:08,811 --> 00:12:12,273 My fettuccine Alfredo levels have gotten dangerously low. 287 00:12:12,273 --> 00:12:15,192 So you have, like, no pain at all? 288 00:12:15,192 --> 00:12:16,277 Nope. 289 00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:17,903 Hello there, friends. 290 00:12:17,903 --> 00:12:22,533 I'm a ship's captain blowing through town with me, uh, cargo. 291 00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:23,868 May I give you a hug? 292 00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:27,204 [laughs] Hello, Dr. Callahan. Let me guess. 293 00:12:27,204 --> 00:12:30,875 My boys asked you to come down here and sneakily give me a checkup? 294 00:12:30,875 --> 00:12:32,668 Argh. You caught me. 295 00:12:32,668 --> 00:12:34,086 They're worried about you, Beef. 296 00:12:34,086 --> 00:12:35,796 Actually, Doc, he feels all better. 297 00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:39,133 Okay. Well, there are some serious conditions that can come and go. 298 00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:40,634 - Normally, gallb-- - No-- [shushes] 299 00:12:40,634 --> 00:12:44,138 This is a restaurant, not a medicine class. 300 00:12:44,138 --> 00:12:47,933 I'm here to celebrate my son's success in the Lone Moose culinary scene. 301 00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:50,186 - But the pain in your back and chest-- - Uh-uh. 302 00:12:50,186 --> 00:12:52,688 Life is a mystery, and no spoilers please. [chuckles] 303 00:12:52,688 --> 00:12:54,315 - Beef, but it could be-- - No! 304 00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:57,568 You know what? If you won't leave me alone, then I'll leave you alone. 305 00:12:57,568 --> 00:12:59,361 I'm gonna snowmachine home. 306 00:12:59,361 --> 00:13:02,698 Come along, potato. I shall be devouring you on the way. 307 00:13:02,698 --> 00:13:05,618 But, Dad, my flan, my big day! 308 00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,828 I love you, Son. Bring me home a piece. 309 00:13:07,828 --> 00:13:10,247 Stupid doctor doesn't know what he's talking about. 310 00:13:10,247 --> 00:13:12,666 Nothing wrong with me. I've never felt better. 311 00:13:12,666 --> 00:13:14,460 [groans] My heart! 312 00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:17,171 [wails] My potato! 313 00:13:17,171 --> 00:13:18,547 [screams] 314 00:13:18,547 --> 00:13:21,717 [grunting] I can't move. 315 00:13:21,717 --> 00:13:23,511 I'm so sorry, potato. 316 00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:26,430 {\an8}Huh. Maybe this is something. 317 00:13:26,430 --> 00:13:29,391 Says here, there was a log rolling competition in 1888, 318 00:13:29,391 --> 00:13:31,060 but only men were allowed to enter. 319 00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:32,603 That's something I'll never say. 320 00:13:32,603 --> 00:13:35,981 Still, you gotta wonder, what if there was one woman who did try to enter? 321 00:13:35,981 --> 00:13:38,025 Let's say she married a man who worked at the mill, 322 00:13:38,025 --> 00:13:41,028 and maybe this lady was gifted with log rolling ability. 323 00:13:41,028 --> 00:13:44,865 See, this wife had been born on a log in the middle of the mighty Mississippi. 324 00:13:44,865 --> 00:13:47,701 And she could spin that wily wood like she was hanging a drape. 325 00:13:47,701 --> 00:13:49,537 And she was so talented it caught on. 326 00:13:49,537 --> 00:13:53,207 And everybody in Lone Moose wanted to learn to be just like her. 327 00:13:53,207 --> 00:13:56,126 It became so popular, they decided to have a competition. 328 00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:59,463 But wouldn't you know it, they made a rule that women couldn't compete, 329 00:13:59,463 --> 00:14:01,715 even though this wife started the whole damn thing. 330 00:14:01,715 --> 00:14:05,094 So she taught her husband everything she knew, and he won! 331 00:14:05,094 --> 00:14:08,013 And then people started saying he taught her to log roll. 332 00:14:08,013 --> 00:14:11,183 And of course he took credit for it 'cause taking credit for stuff is fun. 333 00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:13,936 Wife decided to prove herself by getting out there on the river 334 00:14:13,936 --> 00:14:16,480 and she was absolutely incredible. 335 00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:19,984 But then a big wave washed her out to sea, 336 00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:22,820 and she danced on that log for months, waiting for help. 337 00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:27,199 And then, sadly, she got run over by the Titanic and she died. 338 00:14:27,199 --> 00:14:29,368 [Aunt Dirt] Man, that Titanic couldn't do anything right. 339 00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:32,329 [Honeybee] And her husband felt so bad about stealing her log thunder, 340 00:14:32,329 --> 00:14:34,874 he couldn't bear to even see her beautiful name. 341 00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:37,918 {\an8}So he put "Wife" on her grave, and then he exploded from grief. 342 00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:44,008 And with him died the last memory of her even though she was an absolute boss. 343 00:14:44,008 --> 00:14:46,302 That's clearly what happened. Let's go eat. 344 00:14:46,302 --> 00:14:50,014 Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, and flan to my mouth. 345 00:14:50,014 --> 00:14:53,225 [gasps] Dust. Sawdust. The old Lone Moose Mill. 346 00:14:53,225 --> 00:14:55,311 We should go over there and check the employee records. 347 00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:58,898 Oh, right. Almost everyone and their child worked at the mill back in the day. 348 00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:01,817 Not me. I was foreman at the quarry all through middle school. 349 00:15:01,817 --> 00:15:04,361 Ten cents more an hour and all the gravel you could eat. 350 00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:06,030 [groaning] 351 00:15:08,198 --> 00:15:13,871 We're missing... [groans] ...precious m-moments... [stutters] ...dying. 352 00:15:13,871 --> 00:15:15,998 [grunts] My phone. 353 00:15:15,998 --> 00:15:18,292 [groaning] 354 00:15:18,292 --> 00:15:20,044 Must crawl. 355 00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:24,882 - [phone rings] - [pants] No, no decline. Damn it. 356 00:15:24,882 --> 00:15:26,842 - No. [whimpers] - Hey, it's me Londra. 357 00:15:26,842 --> 00:15:28,010 Okay. So, Beef, 358 00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:29,511 - you're not gonna believe this. - Nah. 359 00:15:29,511 --> 00:15:32,806 Dusty and I were in Anchorage this morning food shopping for her birthday dinner, 360 00:15:32,806 --> 00:15:34,975 and the Anchorage Food Otter has watermelons. 361 00:15:34,975 --> 00:15:37,394 - [groans] - No, that's not the crazy part. 362 00:15:37,394 --> 00:15:39,813 We cut the watermelon open, and inside? 363 00:15:39,813 --> 00:15:43,067 - A set of keys. - [groaning] 364 00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:44,193 Londra. 365 00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:47,613 [Londra] Oh my God, Beef. Dusty found a Bratz doll in there too. 366 00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:51,200 I'd love to chat more but I got a lot more people to call. Bye. 367 00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:57,957 Uh-oh. 368 00:15:57,957 --> 00:15:59,625 Hello. Anyone? 369 00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:02,586 Am I-- Oh, it's you. Hey, Dennis. 370 00:16:02,586 --> 00:16:05,297 Oh, you remembered my name. Yes, it's me. Your heart. 371 00:16:05,297 --> 00:16:06,715 Wassup? 372 00:16:06,715 --> 00:16:07,925 Oh, God. If you're here, 373 00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:10,177 you're gonna tell me something's wrong with my heart, right? 374 00:16:10,177 --> 00:16:11,679 That's why I've been having the chest pain. 375 00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:14,014 What? I'm offended. I'm in incredible shape. 376 00:16:14,014 --> 00:16:15,891 I'm a heart, and yet somehow I have abs. 377 00:16:15,891 --> 00:16:17,226 - Wow. - Yeah. 378 00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:20,020 Your lifestyle of constant physical activity, heavy meats 379 00:16:20,020 --> 00:16:22,147 and relentless stress keeps me very strong. 380 00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:26,986 Good to know. But what is wrong with me? I have been in a lot of pain. 381 00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,363 I can't diagnose you. A doctor should do that. 382 00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:30,489 Which is why I'm here. 383 00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:33,617 I wanna know why on earth you won't go see a flipping doctor, my man. 384 00:16:33,617 --> 00:16:35,828 I-- I'm afraid. 385 00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:40,040 'Cause what if it's something really bad and then I die and leave the kids behind? 386 00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:41,917 Wait, what? We die? 387 00:16:41,917 --> 00:16:45,087 Yes, I'll die someday and you'll die with me. 388 00:16:45,087 --> 00:16:46,797 What the hell, man? This ends? 389 00:16:46,797 --> 00:16:48,590 The brain didn't say anything about that to me. 390 00:16:48,590 --> 00:16:50,634 Sorry, I-I assumed you knew. 391 00:16:50,634 --> 00:16:54,388 Uh, no. I did not know. I'm just a heart, man. I can't think on my own. 392 00:16:54,388 --> 00:16:55,597 Apologies again. 393 00:16:55,597 --> 00:16:57,182 But yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. 394 00:16:57,182 --> 00:16:59,560 That I'll see the doctor and he'll say I'm about to die. 395 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:03,147 And then I'll have to live a little longer knowing I'm gonna leave these amazing kids 396 00:17:03,147 --> 00:17:06,692 and all the weird things they do that I love so much behind. 397 00:17:06,692 --> 00:17:10,446 Also trees and rocks and mountains and Andie MacDowell. 398 00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:12,990 God, there's so much good stuff here. I don't wanna leave. 399 00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:15,451 Well, then what are you doing, man? Go to a doctor now. 400 00:17:15,451 --> 00:17:17,703 - You're right. I should save us. - Yes. 401 00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:19,371 If I don't do the thing I'm afraid of, 402 00:17:19,371 --> 00:17:21,457 then the thing I'm really afraid of will happen. 403 00:17:21,457 --> 00:17:24,793 Yes. Let's not die. We have so much to look forward to. 404 00:17:24,793 --> 00:17:27,087 I have a date with a teacher from Ohio on Thursday. 405 00:17:27,087 --> 00:17:30,049 - Wait, how? - Well, I met her-- Ugh. No time. 406 00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,884 Good God, Beef. Do something now. 407 00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:33,427 Okay. Okay. I will. 408 00:17:35,387 --> 00:17:39,808 [groans] Boys! Dr. Callahan! 409 00:17:39,808 --> 00:17:41,143 Is that Dad? 410 00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:43,562 I need help! 411 00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:47,441 [pants] Pull back my body curtain and look inside. 412 00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:53,822 Hi. We were wondering if you had employment records from the 1880s. 413 00:17:53,822 --> 00:17:57,076 I'm sorry. The mill has burned down and been rebuilt since then, 414 00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:58,202 47 times. 415 00:17:58,202 --> 00:17:59,286 Damn it. 416 00:18:00,245 --> 00:18:02,956 - [Honeybee sighs] - Well, Honeybee, you did all you could. 417 00:18:02,956 --> 00:18:05,751 Maybe it's just time to let a sleeping corpse lie. 418 00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:07,211 No, we can't give up. 419 00:18:07,211 --> 00:18:09,296 Why is this bothering you so much? 420 00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:12,424 I just-- [scoffs] I mean, what if this lady came all the way from Fresno. 421 00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:14,093 You know, 'cause she fell in love with a guy 422 00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:17,346 she met in an 1800s Morse code chat room or something 423 00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:19,723 and it seemed like a good idea. But then she-- 424 00:18:19,723 --> 00:18:23,185 she just died and then everybody forgot who she was. The end. 425 00:18:23,185 --> 00:18:24,520 Okay, Honeybee, wait. 426 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:27,022 You don't think you're like this dead lady, do you? 427 00:18:27,022 --> 00:18:28,107 Maybe. 428 00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,234 Ugh. My dumb friend, Veronica, said 429 00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:32,694 I gave up my life and followed a guy to Alaska. 430 00:18:32,694 --> 00:18:34,571 Am I just a wife? 431 00:18:34,571 --> 00:18:37,449 Honeybee, come on. You're already a legend in Lone Moose. 432 00:18:37,449 --> 00:18:39,868 You've been mayor. You got attacked by an eagle. 433 00:18:39,868 --> 00:18:41,870 You got in a slap fight with a drifter. 434 00:18:41,870 --> 00:18:44,331 If anything, Wolf should be afraid he's gonna end up in a grave 435 00:18:44,331 --> 00:18:45,874 just marked "Husband." 436 00:18:45,874 --> 00:18:48,210 And you should make sure he does. As a goof. 437 00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:51,463 Poor Wife. I guess the least we can do is lay some flowers on her grave. 438 00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:53,298 And a pepperoni pizza. 439 00:18:53,298 --> 00:18:54,716 I mean, sure. 440 00:18:54,716 --> 00:18:58,011 Have you had a pepperoni pizza before? They're amazing. 441 00:18:58,011 --> 00:18:59,847 It's a beautiful gesture. 442 00:19:00,848 --> 00:19:03,100 {\an8}There you go, Wife. Enjoy your pizza. 443 00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:05,602 Wait, what's that? 444 00:19:06,270 --> 00:19:07,980 [Judy] "Bartholomew Wife"? 445 00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:10,149 Hold up! Wife is a last name? 446 00:19:10,774 --> 00:19:15,445 {\an8}"Manifred Wife, pronounced wee-fay, was also known as Manifred the Maniac. 447 00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:17,948 Manifred Wife was a prolific murderer 448 00:19:17,948 --> 00:19:20,868 who killed 17 people including her husband Bartholomew." 449 00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:23,245 - Whoa. - So she wasn't just a wife. 450 00:19:23,245 --> 00:19:24,913 Good for you. 451 00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:26,999 {\an8}My gallbladder, huh? 452 00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:29,293 Yep. You got some pretty sizable stones in there. 453 00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:30,586 Hell yeah, he does. 454 00:19:30,586 --> 00:19:32,963 Dad's blad makes some sick stones. 455 00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:34,965 The pain can come and go with eating, 456 00:19:34,965 --> 00:19:37,634 but we'll remove it today and you're as free as a bird. 457 00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:41,388 I have my little pepper surgery badge, Doc. I can scrub in if needed. 458 00:19:41,388 --> 00:19:43,265 Won't be necessary for this one, Moon. 459 00:19:43,265 --> 00:19:46,560 But I do have a spinal surgery on Thursday I wouldn't mind a consult on. 460 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,229 Uh, I have to move some things around, but I'm in. 461 00:19:49,229 --> 00:19:52,941 Dad, we're real proud of you for finally asking for help from a doctor 462 00:19:52,941 --> 00:19:54,318 who isn't a pipe on a hill. 463 00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:57,446 And, uh, maybe you could, uh, do it again, the seeing a doctor thing, 464 00:19:57,446 --> 00:19:59,656 'cause of how we want you to be alive. 465 00:19:59,656 --> 00:20:00,824 Sorry to be pushy. 466 00:20:00,824 --> 00:20:02,367 No, Ham. You're right. 467 00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:05,621 I promise, from now on I'll get an annual physical 468 00:20:05,621 --> 00:20:08,874 - every five to six years or so. - [Wolf] That's a start. 469 00:20:08,874 --> 00:20:11,168 Vaya con Dios, gallbladder. 470 00:20:11,168 --> 00:20:13,503 You're gonna be all right. 471 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,966 [Honeybee] What the hell? You all have gravestones already? 472 00:20:17,966 --> 00:20:21,053 Yes. A few years ago, I got a deal on some granite 473 00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:23,472 and, uh, w-well, one thing led to another. 474 00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:26,767 Speaking of which. Honeybee, a little bird named Judy told me 475 00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:29,228 that you were kind of worried about ending up like old Wife, 476 00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:32,022 which inspired me to get you this stone stunner. 477 00:20:32,814 --> 00:20:36,568 - You picked a death year? - You'll be 220 years old. So it's cool. 478 00:20:36,568 --> 00:20:38,904 And it also has all kinds of facts about you on it. 479 00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:41,657 Like that you're a "Shrek-thusiast," an entrepreneur. 480 00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:43,951 Plus lots of space to add anything else as it comes along. 481 00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:46,495 Like if you suddenly get super into Dave Matthews Band. 482 00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:50,123 Wolf, this is deeply unsettling but also kind of touching, I guess. 483 00:20:50,123 --> 00:20:53,168 All right. Enough grave gazing. Let's head in for dinner. 484 00:20:53,168 --> 00:20:56,380 Now that my "G-blad" is out, fatty foods are my friend again. 485 00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:58,924 And I made my famous five-butters casserole. 486 00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:00,842 Dibs on a corner piece. 487 00:21:00,842 --> 00:21:03,136 {\an8}[Aunt Dirt] ♪ Hey there Lady Sittin' 'n' poutin' ♪ 488 00:21:03,136 --> 00:21:04,846 {\an8}♪ Hey there woman Just sittin' and a' doubtin' ♪ 489 00:21:04,846 --> 00:21:07,224 {\an8}♪ I think you're perfect Within and without and ♪ 490 00:21:07,224 --> 00:21:09,101 {\an8}♪ Hey! Get onto my log! ♪ 491 00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:13,438 {\an8}♪ Oh, when we're on the log Our worries cannot find us ♪ 492 00:21:13,438 --> 00:21:17,734 {\an8}♪ A stump beneath our feet The past so far behind us ♪ 493 00:21:17,734 --> 00:21:20,487 {\an8}♪ Spinnin' down the river Footloose and fancy free ♪ 494 00:21:20,487 --> 00:21:22,572 {\an8}♪ Am I the log or is she me? ♪ 495 00:21:22,572 --> 00:21:24,491 {\an8}♪ Birch or elm Maple or sycamore ♪ 496 00:21:24,491 --> 00:21:26,702 {\an8}♪ I like to hop on With a gal or two or four ♪ 497 00:21:26,702 --> 00:21:29,121 {\an8}♪ Let's take our log to Paris Or the Jersey Shore ♪ 498 00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:30,872 {\an8}♪ Hey! Get onto my log! ♪