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♪ Look up there ♪
2
00:00:03,169 --> 00:00:05,922
- ♪ What do you see? ♪
- ♪ Nature and stuff ♪
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- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪
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[all] ♪ Hup, the Great North ♪
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{\an8}- ♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪
- [all] ♪ Hup, hey, oh ♪
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{\an8}- ♪ Catch some fish ♪
- ♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪
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{\an8}♪ Wow ♪
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{\an8}♪ Hup, the Great North ♪
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- ♪ Here we live ♪
- [all] ♪ Hup, oh ♪
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- ♪ Here we'll stay ♪
- ♪ Whoo ♪
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♪ From longest night to longest day ♪
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♪ In the Great North ♪
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{\an8}[cheering]
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{\an8}Ham, I love that you made my pancake
into a little face,
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{\an8}but I regret to inform you
that now I simply cannot eat Gerard.
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{\an8}Gonna have a tough life in Alaska
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{\an8}if you can't bring yourself
to eat a friend, doll.
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{\an8}Hmm, okay. How about a piece
of my practice flan instead?
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{\an8}Dad ate most of them yesterday,
but there's a few left.
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{\an8}Figures, for centuries,
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{\an8}men have been eating
more than their fair share of the flan.
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{\an8}Preach! Pigs.
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{\an8}Whoo! My brother's gonna be a celebrity
for making a flan
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{\an8}for a real professional restaurant.
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{\an8}You must feel like the nonfamous Hemsworth
right about now, huh?
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{\an8}Yep. Invisible but proud.
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{\an8}Which menu will your flan be on?
Regular, kids' or seniors'?
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{\an8}- All three, bébé.
- [Judy] Ooh la la.
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{\an8}Holy hot dogs, Ham.
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{\an8}Hey. Where's Dad?
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{\an8}He usually only takes
a three-and-a-half minute shower,
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{\an8}but he's been in there 14 minutes now.
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{\an8}Hmm. I mean,
he's probably just way in the zone
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{\an8}getting all those papa nooks
and dad crannies.
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{\an8}Wolf, how many times do I have to ask you
not to say "dad crannies"?
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{\an8}- Many more, probably.
- [Beef groans]
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{\an8}- Was that Dad?
- [muffled thud]
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{\an8}[Beef groans]
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{\an8}- Dad, you okay in there?
- [Beef] Perfect. [screams]
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{\an8}Oh! Ah-- Eh-- Whoops. Closing the door.
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{\an8}Uh, but, Dad... [stammers]
...sounds like you're in pain.
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{\an8}[straining] I am fine, Son.
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{\an8}[yelps] I'm just having a little pain
in my midsection
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{\an8}and chest and back.
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{\an8}- Chest?
- And back.
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{\an8}[straining]
Probably just pulled some muscles.
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{\an8}You want me to, uh... [stammers]
...come in and get your towel for you?
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{\an8}[Beef] No, thank you, Son.
I shall use nature's towel:
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{\an8}standing here.
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{\an8}- [groaning]
- Hey, Dad. You doing okay?
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{\an8}Do not worry, Ham.
Just pulled a few muscles in the shower.
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Makes perfect sense...
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- [groaning continues]
- ...but may I also suggest you see a doctor?
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Nonsense. I'll go see the magical glacial
water pipe in Death Cliff today
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and drink its healing waters. [groaning]
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Mother Pipe?
Dad, that's a very cool legend,
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but maybe we see a real doctor
instead of a leaky metal tube.
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No, thank you. Now, if you'll excuse me,
I better get ready for my journey.
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Ow. [groans]
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[moans] That's good.
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[grunts] Oh!
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- [Ham] Dad butt!
- [Moon] Hell no!
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Good thinking, towel.
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I am perfectly dry. [groans]
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Huh, so the crooked butt crack runs
in the family.
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- [Judy, Ham] Uh-huh.
- [Wolf] Yep.
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My poops come out in a curlicue,
like soft-serve ice cream.
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Well, it was great to see you, Veronica.
We can't let two years go by again.
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I was relieved when you reached out to me.
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Funny story, I thought you were dead.
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- Really?
- Uh, yeah.
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Everyone in Fresno said
you followed some guy into the wilderness.
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[chuckles] I've seen Dateline, Honeybee.
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I know how those stories end.
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Uh, I didn't just followed a guy.
I fell in love.
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Is someone making you say that right now?
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Blink three times if yes.
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[chuckles] I just got married
and moved away.
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Okay, it's just-- If anything,
a guy should be following you.
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Oh, crap. I gotta go.
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My neighbor's kid is looking
through my window again.
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Get outta here, Hans!
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Bye, Honeybee.
Don't lose yourself up there.
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- [computer beeps]
- Whatever, Veronica.
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I didn't follow a guy. I'm a leader.
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In fact, I'm gonna lead myself
on a walk around the property.
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And because I want to.
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Not because it's one of the only things
you can do around this place.
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[groans] Okay.
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Oh. There she is.
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- Mother Pipe, Alaska's doctor.
- [opera music plays]
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Sweet mountain nectar.
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[groaning]
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[sighs]
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Thank you, dear Mother.
I have suckled and been made whole.
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- [music stops]
- [screams]
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[grunts]
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Better go have one more sip
to heal these fresh wounds.
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- [groaning]
- [music continues]
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I mean, who does Veronica think she is?
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So what if I moved up here for a guy?
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What? I should've stayed at Fresno
working at the curtain store?
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My dad playing Steely Dan all day--
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Ooh! What in the--
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{\an8}"Wife"? That's all they put
on this lady's grave?
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No name?
Well, maybe there's something on the back.
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Mmm, nope.
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You poor girl.
You gotta be more than just "Wife."
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I gotta get to the bottom of this.
All right, Wife. You wait right here.
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Which you have to, 'cause you're dead.
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Uh-- I-I'll be right back.
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[Aunt Dirt] Thanks for taking me
by the grocery store.
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I still can't believe you can buy
a fully cooked chicken every single day.
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[moans] Good.
And they did not skimp on the bones.
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Oh, hey, kids. Your dad went to suck
on that drainage pipe or whatever it is,
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so he sent us to get you.
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So, guys, have you seen this grave out
in the woods that's just labeled "Wife"?
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Yep. I have that grave marked
on my cemetery map of Lone Moose
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for when the zombie apocalypse starts.
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Hell if Wife is gonna eat my brain.
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Well, she's eating my brain already,
'cause she's all I can think about.
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That poor woman is just lying out there
in a hole marked "Wife."
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Not even a name.
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I've seen that grave like a million times
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and just kinda shrugged it off
as vintage sexism.
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But, yeah, no one deserves
to just be thrown in a hole
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and labeled with the W-word.
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Unless the W-word is "Wassup."
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Can you even imagine that on a grave?
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I'll think I'll do a little research
and find out who this woman was.
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Maybe I can share her accomplishments
with the world.
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- Oh, I'm in.
- Let's dig up her secrets.
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And maybe her jewelry.
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- [groaning]
- [chattering on TV]
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Hey, Dad. That's a pretty fun noise
you're making.
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Mmm, you aren't by any chance
still in pain, are you, Father?
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[straining] Nope. I suckled the pipe,
and her nectars are at this very moment
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coating my insides
in a thick layer of health.
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- Good, 'cause my flan reveal...
- [Beef groans]
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...is at lunch tomorrow,
and I need you at full eating strength.
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- [cheering on TV]
- Oh, hey, Slippity Dips is starting.
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In our first Slippity clip,
a mailman named Floyd makes
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- a "Floydian" slip.
- [Floyd] Whoa!
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[all laugh]
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- [Beef groans]
- Oh. Uh, Dad.
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God, we really should get you
to the doctor.
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- Like, now.
- Nonsense.
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00:06:02,403 --> 00:06:06,783
In this next slip,
a child falls in a ravine in a funny way.
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00:06:06,783 --> 00:06:10,036
[laughing, groaning]
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Guys, I'm hella worried about Dad.
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00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:18,044
I googled his symptoms, and it could be
anything from muscle spasm
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00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:21,005
to a heart attack,
to something called haunted pancreas.
153
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I'm worried too. But it's impossible
to get that man to a doctor.
154
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Remember when one of his feet
faced the wrong way for like a year?
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Of course. I had to tie the boot
on the backwards one every morning.
156
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But this isn't gonna be like that,
because I have a plan.
157
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It's not just
giving him compliments, is it?
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00:06:36,354 --> 00:06:38,189
Yeah, there'll be a little of that, sure.
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00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:41,943
But here's what we do.
We give him the doctor exam, sneaky style.
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00:06:41,943 --> 00:06:43,653
- Right here at home.
- Fun.
161
00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:46,656
Dibs on nodding reassuringly
while listening through a stethoscope.
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Okay. Operation HPV is a go.
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Heal papa victoriously.
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Love the plan, hate the name.
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- All right, hands in. H-P--
- [drumroll]
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- [drumroll ends]
- Oh, it's just gonna be me? Fine.
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V!
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[Wolf] Okay, here he comes.
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00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,175
Time to get into our dad's body.
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00:07:06,175 --> 00:07:09,011
Oh, my God. It's like
you've never heard a word you've said.
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[groaning]
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- Oh. Hello, Father.
- [groaning continues]
173
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,811
How was work this morning? Good haul?
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- Kill a lot of fish?
- Mm-hmm.
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Cool, cool.
176
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And, uh, brisk wind out on the sea?
Any difficulty breathing?
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00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:27,238
The breathing was... [groans] ...great.
178
00:07:27,238 --> 00:07:29,907
Oh, Dad. Uh-- Just, uh, wondering
179
00:07:29,907 --> 00:07:33,619
when you hauled the fish in,
which of these faces did you feel like?
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00:07:33,619 --> 00:07:35,872
None. Those guys are all hotter than me.
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00:07:35,872 --> 00:07:36,956
Uh, okay.
182
00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:39,667
Ugh, guys, I've got a big problem.
183
00:07:39,667 --> 00:07:43,629
I have a project for science class,
and the topic is older men's urine.
184
00:07:43,629 --> 00:07:45,298
I remember that unit.
185
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:48,092
But I forgot
to collect an older man's pee.
186
00:07:48,092 --> 00:07:50,803
Damn it. [sighs] Guess I'll just fail.
187
00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:52,054
That sucks.
188
00:07:52,054 --> 00:07:53,514
Unless...
189
00:07:53,514 --> 00:07:56,809
Dad, could you pee in this cup
and then write your name on it,
190
00:07:56,809 --> 00:08:00,146
and then seal it, and then write
today's date, and the give it back to me?
191
00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:02,023
I'll surely get an A.
192
00:08:02,023 --> 00:08:04,734
Yeah, with dad's pee in your pocket,
you can't lose.
193
00:08:04,734 --> 00:08:07,653
Gentlemen, I was not birthed yesterday.
194
00:08:07,653 --> 00:08:10,114
I see that you three are trying to give me
195
00:08:10,114 --> 00:08:13,117
some kind of at-home doctor's exam.
196
00:08:13,117 --> 00:08:14,202
Geez, Dad.
197
00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:18,080
All we asked for was a little bit of pee,
and suddenly we lose all trust?
198
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:19,165
Son, cut it out.
199
00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:21,751
My body is private even to myself.
200
00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:24,962
That's why there's a curtain around it
called my skin.
201
00:08:24,962 --> 00:08:28,299
- But, Dad, you really--
- Put your "but, Dad" in your butt, Son.
202
00:08:28,299 --> 00:08:30,259
Can no one hear themselves?
203
00:08:30,259 --> 00:08:31,385
Now, if you'll excuse me,
204
00:08:31,385 --> 00:08:34,555
I'm going to head back
to Mother Pipe for another sip.
205
00:08:34,555 --> 00:08:37,683
But, Dad, my flan debut is
at the restaurant today at lunch.
206
00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:39,018
You promised to go.
207
00:08:39,018 --> 00:08:44,106
I'll meet you there
at noo... [groaning] ...oon.
208
00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:49,862
Should we just take his pee by force?
209
00:08:49,862 --> 00:08:54,116
Damn it. If we can't get Dad to a doctor,
maybe we can get a doctor to Dad.
210
00:08:54,116 --> 00:08:57,870
Yep. One way or another,
we have got to push those D's together.
211
00:08:57,870 --> 00:08:59,622
Okay, now I'm doing it.
212
00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:02,875
{\an8}All right. We know
that Wife's grave is from 1888.
213
00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:06,170
And it says here that some
very unprepared British settlers came here
214
00:09:06,170 --> 00:09:08,631
to join some other European idiots
around that time.
215
00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:12,468
Yeah, dumb white people
was definitely the early Lone Moose vibe.
216
00:09:12,468 --> 00:09:15,304
Ugh. But she could be
any of these smokin' '80s babes.
217
00:09:15,304 --> 00:09:17,014
How do I match a face with a grave?
218
00:09:17,014 --> 00:09:21,686
Well, maybe we should just give up
and go over to Ham's big flan menu reveal?
219
00:09:21,686 --> 00:09:24,939
I mean, maybe one of these gals
wasn't as dumb as the others.
220
00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:28,067
Maybe she was actually
a big city girl from London,
221
00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:31,279
and her name was something
like Persephogenia Lumpnobble.
222
00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:34,949
And she was an Associate Professor of
Squalor Studies who'd come to do research.
223
00:09:34,949 --> 00:09:36,033
Now, back then,
224
00:09:36,033 --> 00:09:40,371
{\an8}most of the dumb European settlers lived
in holes in a big old mud and poop lake.
225
00:09:40,371 --> 00:09:42,707
Mmm. Such wonderful squalor.
226
00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:45,418
It's wall-to-wall squal around here.
227
00:09:46,043 --> 00:09:48,337
[Honeybee] They weren't used
to strangers in Lone Moose,
228
00:09:48,337 --> 00:09:50,464
so this beauty stood out
like a ravishing thumb.
229
00:09:50,464 --> 00:09:54,760
And then, a squalid but handsome gentleman
extended his dirty hand to her.
230
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:56,512
Oh, wa-wa-wee-wah.
231
00:09:56,512 --> 00:09:59,599
Pardon me, ma'am. I can tell
by how little dirt you have in your teeth
232
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:00,933
that you're not from around here.
233
00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:03,603
Might I take you on a tour
of our nasty neighborhood?
234
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:05,688
This is our pile of dead animals.
235
00:10:05,688 --> 00:10:07,440
This is our pile of dead people.
236
00:10:07,940 --> 00:10:09,150
And this is our playground.
237
00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:10,234
[gurgles]
238
00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:13,738
I have an idea
that could change things for all of you.
239
00:10:13,738 --> 00:10:17,783
It's a reverse hole above the ground
and we call it a house.
240
00:10:17,783 --> 00:10:21,704
And maybe Persephogenia taught
all the dum-dums about houses,
241
00:10:21,704 --> 00:10:23,080
and they stopped living in holes.
242
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:24,874
And she was about to return to London
243
00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:27,251
when the Townie did
something super romantic.
244
00:10:27,251 --> 00:10:29,920
Miss Clean Lady, I want you to have this.
245
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:32,757
It's a hideous corn husk doll
I made for you.
246
00:10:32,757 --> 00:10:35,468
Ma'am, mightn't we become
betrothed in wedlock
247
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:38,179
and grow
to the ripe old age of 35 together?
248
00:10:38,179 --> 00:10:39,388
[Honeybee] And she said yes.
249
00:10:39,388 --> 00:10:42,433
And then one day they went
to a Beaver Corpse baseball game and...
250
00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:44,143
[all gasp, scream]
251
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:45,269
[Honeybee] ...she died.
252
00:10:45,269 --> 00:10:47,396
And because the nasty Townie
never learnt her name,
253
00:10:47,396 --> 00:10:51,359
he paid a local child in tobacco
to just chisel "Wife" on her headstone.
254
00:10:51,359 --> 00:10:54,236
And then I guess everyone forgot
about her and her contributions,
255
00:10:54,236 --> 00:10:55,821
including her friend Veronica.
256
00:10:55,821 --> 00:10:58,324
[grunts] Poor Persephogenia Lumpnobble.
257
00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:00,743
And poor us,
'cause we still don't have any answers.
258
00:11:00,743 --> 00:11:03,621
But I'm thinking maybe
we should check the old census records
259
00:11:03,621 --> 00:11:04,872
at the historical society.
260
00:11:04,872 --> 00:11:08,084
Oh, wow! I'm excited. You guys excited?
261
00:11:08,084 --> 00:11:09,502
I'm just kidding. Let's go.
262
00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:11,921
Thanks for wearing the disguise,
Dr. Callahan.
263
00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:14,423
It'll help us get you close enough to Dad
to examine him.
264
00:11:14,423 --> 00:11:15,508
Sure. I mean,
265
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:18,302
I mostly do this kind of thing for kids
who are scared of the doctor,
266
00:11:18,302 --> 00:11:21,514
and also pirate meetups,
and once in my private life.
267
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:22,848
- I'm happy to help.
- [Wolf] Great.
268
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:24,975
We really don't want our dad to die.
269
00:11:24,975 --> 00:11:27,228
I'm not ready
to be the Tobin patriarch yet.
270
00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:28,896
I don't even know when trash day is.
271
00:11:28,896 --> 00:11:30,231
So, here's the plan:
272
00:11:30,231 --> 00:11:33,067
Approach the table,
claim to be a fellow sea captain--
273
00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:35,528
which dad will love
'cause he's a real captain hound--
274
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,947
then give him a long hug
and listen to his heart.
275
00:11:37,947 --> 00:11:40,449
Bada bing, bada boom.
You diagnose our dad.
276
00:11:41,659 --> 00:11:42,660
What the--
277
00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:44,328
[hums]
278
00:11:44,328 --> 00:11:46,163
Ha-ha! Hello, boys.
279
00:11:46,163 --> 00:11:50,042
Guess who's all better?
For real this time, and I am not lying.
280
00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:52,795
Enter and let us celebrate
your brother's flan.
281
00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:56,257
Our father sucked upon a pipe
and he had been healed.
282
00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:57,633
Hallelujah.
283
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,889
So you really feel all better?
284
00:12:03,889 --> 00:12:06,142
[Beef] Yep. Pardon me
for starting without you,
285
00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:08,811
but I haven't been able
to eat much the past few days.
286
00:12:08,811 --> 00:12:12,273
My fettuccine Alfredo levels
have gotten dangerously low.
287
00:12:12,273 --> 00:12:15,192
So you have, like, no pain at all?
288
00:12:15,192 --> 00:12:16,277
Nope.
289
00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:17,903
Hello there, friends.
290
00:12:17,903 --> 00:12:22,533
I'm a ship's captain blowing through town
with me, uh, cargo.
291
00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:23,868
May I give you a hug?
292
00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:27,204
[laughs] Hello, Dr. Callahan.
Let me guess.
293
00:12:27,204 --> 00:12:30,875
My boys asked you to come down here
and sneakily give me a checkup?
294
00:12:30,875 --> 00:12:32,668
Argh. You caught me.
295
00:12:32,668 --> 00:12:34,086
They're worried about you, Beef.
296
00:12:34,086 --> 00:12:35,796
Actually, Doc, he feels all better.
297
00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:39,133
Okay. Well, there are some
serious conditions that can come and go.
298
00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:40,634
- Normally, gallb--
- No-- [shushes]
299
00:12:40,634 --> 00:12:44,138
This is a restaurant,
not a medicine class.
300
00:12:44,138 --> 00:12:47,933
I'm here to celebrate my son's success
in the Lone Moose culinary scene.
301
00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:50,186
- But the pain in your back and chest--
- Uh-uh.
302
00:12:50,186 --> 00:12:52,688
Life is a mystery,
and no spoilers please. [chuckles]
303
00:12:52,688 --> 00:12:54,315
- Beef, but it could be--
- No!
304
00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:57,568
You know what? If you won't leave
me alone, then I'll leave you alone.
305
00:12:57,568 --> 00:12:59,361
I'm gonna snowmachine home.
306
00:12:59,361 --> 00:13:02,698
Come along, potato.
I shall be devouring you on the way.
307
00:13:02,698 --> 00:13:05,618
But, Dad, my flan, my big day!
308
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,828
I love you, Son. Bring me home a piece.
309
00:13:07,828 --> 00:13:10,247
Stupid doctor doesn't know
what he's talking about.
310
00:13:10,247 --> 00:13:12,666
Nothing wrong with me.
I've never felt better.
311
00:13:12,666 --> 00:13:14,460
[groans] My heart!
312
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:17,171
[wails] My potato!
313
00:13:17,171 --> 00:13:18,547
[screams]
314
00:13:18,547 --> 00:13:21,717
[grunting] I can't move.
315
00:13:21,717 --> 00:13:23,511
I'm so sorry, potato.
316
00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:26,430
{\an8}Huh. Maybe this is something.
317
00:13:26,430 --> 00:13:29,391
Says here, there was
a log rolling competition in 1888,
318
00:13:29,391 --> 00:13:31,060
but only men were allowed to enter.
319
00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:32,603
That's something I'll never say.
320
00:13:32,603 --> 00:13:35,981
Still, you gotta wonder, what if there
was one woman who did try to enter?
321
00:13:35,981 --> 00:13:38,025
Let's say she married a man
who worked at the mill,
322
00:13:38,025 --> 00:13:41,028
and maybe this lady was gifted
with log rolling ability.
323
00:13:41,028 --> 00:13:44,865
See, this wife had been born on a log
in the middle of the mighty Mississippi.
324
00:13:44,865 --> 00:13:47,701
And she could spin that wily wood
like she was hanging a drape.
325
00:13:47,701 --> 00:13:49,537
And she was so talented it caught on.
326
00:13:49,537 --> 00:13:53,207
And everybody in Lone Moose wanted
to learn to be just like her.
327
00:13:53,207 --> 00:13:56,126
It became so popular,
they decided to have a competition.
328
00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:59,463
But wouldn't you know it, they made a rule
that women couldn't compete,
329
00:13:59,463 --> 00:14:01,715
even though this wife started
the whole damn thing.
330
00:14:01,715 --> 00:14:05,094
So she taught her husband
everything she knew, and he won!
331
00:14:05,094 --> 00:14:08,013
And then people started saying
he taught her to log roll.
332
00:14:08,013 --> 00:14:11,183
And of course he took credit for it
'cause taking credit for stuff is fun.
333
00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:13,936
Wife decided to prove herself
by getting out there on the river
334
00:14:13,936 --> 00:14:16,480
and she was absolutely incredible.
335
00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:19,984
But then a big wave washed her out to sea,
336
00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:22,820
and she danced on that log
for months, waiting for help.
337
00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:27,199
And then, sadly, she got run over
by the Titanic and she died.
338
00:14:27,199 --> 00:14:29,368
[Aunt Dirt] Man, that Titanic
couldn't do anything right.
339
00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:32,329
[Honeybee] And her husband felt so bad
about stealing her log thunder,
340
00:14:32,329 --> 00:14:34,874
he couldn't bear
to even see her beautiful name.
341
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:37,918
{\an8}So he put "Wife" on her grave,
and then he exploded from grief.
342
00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:44,008
And with him died the last memory of her
even though she was an absolute boss.
343
00:14:44,008 --> 00:14:46,302
That's clearly what happened.
Let's go eat.
344
00:14:46,302 --> 00:14:50,014
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
and flan to my mouth.
345
00:14:50,014 --> 00:14:53,225
[gasps] Dust. Sawdust.
The old Lone Moose Mill.
346
00:14:53,225 --> 00:14:55,311
We should go over there
and check the employee records.
347
00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:58,898
Oh, right. Almost everyone and their child
worked at the mill back in the day.
348
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:01,817
Not me. I was foreman at the quarry
all through middle school.
349
00:15:01,817 --> 00:15:04,361
Ten cents more an hour
and all the gravel you could eat.
350
00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:06,030
[groaning]
351
00:15:08,198 --> 00:15:13,871
We're missing... [groans]
...precious m-moments... [stutters] ...dying.
352
00:15:13,871 --> 00:15:15,998
[grunts] My phone.
353
00:15:15,998 --> 00:15:18,292
[groaning]
354
00:15:18,292 --> 00:15:20,044
Must crawl.
355
00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:24,882
- [phone rings]
- [pants] No, no decline. Damn it.
356
00:15:24,882 --> 00:15:26,842
- No. [whimpers]
- Hey, it's me Londra.
357
00:15:26,842 --> 00:15:28,010
Okay. So, Beef,
358
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:29,511
- you're not gonna believe this.
- Nah.
359
00:15:29,511 --> 00:15:32,806
Dusty and I were in Anchorage this morning
food shopping for her birthday dinner,
360
00:15:32,806 --> 00:15:34,975
and the Anchorage Food Otter
has watermelons.
361
00:15:34,975 --> 00:15:37,394
- [groans]
- No, that's not the crazy part.
362
00:15:37,394 --> 00:15:39,813
We cut the watermelon open, and inside?
363
00:15:39,813 --> 00:15:43,067
- A set of keys.
- [groaning]
364
00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:44,193
Londra.
365
00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:47,613
[Londra] Oh my God, Beef.
Dusty found a Bratz doll in there too.
366
00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:51,200
I'd love to chat more
but I got a lot more people to call. Bye.
367
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:57,957
Uh-oh.
368
00:15:57,957 --> 00:15:59,625
Hello. Anyone?
369
00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:02,586
Am I-- Oh, it's you. Hey, Dennis.
370
00:16:02,586 --> 00:16:05,297
Oh, you remembered my name.
Yes, it's me. Your heart.
371
00:16:05,297 --> 00:16:06,715
Wassup?
372
00:16:06,715 --> 00:16:07,925
Oh, God. If you're here,
373
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:10,177
you're gonna tell me something's wrong
with my heart, right?
374
00:16:10,177 --> 00:16:11,679
That's why I've been having
the chest pain.
375
00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:14,014
What? I'm offended.
I'm in incredible shape.
376
00:16:14,014 --> 00:16:15,891
I'm a heart, and yet somehow I have abs.
377
00:16:15,891 --> 00:16:17,226
- Wow.
- Yeah.
378
00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:20,020
Your lifestyle of constant
physical activity, heavy meats
379
00:16:20,020 --> 00:16:22,147
and relentless stress
keeps me very strong.
380
00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:26,986
Good to know. But what is wrong with me?
I have been in a lot of pain.
381
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,363
I can't diagnose you.
A doctor should do that.
382
00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:30,489
Which is why I'm here.
383
00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:33,617
I wanna know why on earth you won't
go see a flipping doctor, my man.
384
00:16:33,617 --> 00:16:35,828
I-- I'm afraid.
385
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:40,040
'Cause what if it's something really bad
and then I die and leave the kids behind?
386
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:41,917
Wait, what? We die?
387
00:16:41,917 --> 00:16:45,087
Yes, I'll die someday
and you'll die with me.
388
00:16:45,087 --> 00:16:46,797
What the hell, man? This ends?
389
00:16:46,797 --> 00:16:48,590
The brain didn't say anything
about that to me.
390
00:16:48,590 --> 00:16:50,634
Sorry, I-I assumed you knew.
391
00:16:50,634 --> 00:16:54,388
Uh, no. I did not know. I'm just a heart,
man. I can't think on my own.
392
00:16:54,388 --> 00:16:55,597
Apologies again.
393
00:16:55,597 --> 00:16:57,182
But yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.
394
00:16:57,182 --> 00:16:59,560
That I'll see the doctor
and he'll say I'm about to die.
395
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:03,147
And then I'll have to live a little longer
knowing I'm gonna leave these amazing kids
396
00:17:03,147 --> 00:17:06,692
and all the weird things they do
that I love so much behind.
397
00:17:06,692 --> 00:17:10,446
Also trees and rocks
and mountains and Andie MacDowell.
398
00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:12,990
God, there's so much good stuff here.
I don't wanna leave.
399
00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:15,451
Well, then what are you doing, man?
Go to a doctor now.
400
00:17:15,451 --> 00:17:17,703
- You're right. I should save us.
- Yes.
401
00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:19,371
If I don't do the thing I'm afraid of,
402
00:17:19,371 --> 00:17:21,457
then the thing
I'm really afraid of will happen.
403
00:17:21,457 --> 00:17:24,793
Yes. Let's not die.
We have so much to look forward to.
404
00:17:24,793 --> 00:17:27,087
I have a date with a teacher
from Ohio on Thursday.
405
00:17:27,087 --> 00:17:30,049
- Wait, how?
- Well, I met her-- Ugh. No time.
406
00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,884
Good God, Beef. Do something now.
407
00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:33,427
Okay. Okay. I will.
408
00:17:35,387 --> 00:17:39,808
[groans] Boys! Dr. Callahan!
409
00:17:39,808 --> 00:17:41,143
Is that Dad?
410
00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:43,562
I need help!
411
00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:47,441
[pants] Pull back my body curtain
and look inside.
412
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:53,822
Hi. We were wondering if you had
employment records from the 1880s.
413
00:17:53,822 --> 00:17:57,076
I'm sorry. The mill has burned down
and been rebuilt since then,
414
00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:58,202
47 times.
415
00:17:58,202 --> 00:17:59,286
Damn it.
416
00:18:00,245 --> 00:18:02,956
- [Honeybee sighs]
- Well, Honeybee, you did all you could.
417
00:18:02,956 --> 00:18:05,751
Maybe it's just time
to let a sleeping corpse lie.
418
00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:07,211
No, we can't give up.
419
00:18:07,211 --> 00:18:09,296
Why is this bothering you so much?
420
00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:12,424
I just-- [scoffs] I mean, what if
this lady came all the way from Fresno.
421
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:14,093
You know,
'cause she fell in love with a guy
422
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:17,346
she met in an 1800s
Morse code chat room or something
423
00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:19,723
and it seemed like a good idea.
But then she--
424
00:18:19,723 --> 00:18:23,185
she just died and then everybody forgot
who she was. The end.
425
00:18:23,185 --> 00:18:24,520
Okay, Honeybee, wait.
426
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:27,022
You don't think
you're like this dead lady, do you?
427
00:18:27,022 --> 00:18:28,107
Maybe.
428
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,234
Ugh. My dumb friend, Veronica, said
429
00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:32,694
I gave up my life
and followed a guy to Alaska.
430
00:18:32,694 --> 00:18:34,571
Am I just a wife?
431
00:18:34,571 --> 00:18:37,449
Honeybee, come on.
You're already a legend in Lone Moose.
432
00:18:37,449 --> 00:18:39,868
You've been mayor.
You got attacked by an eagle.
433
00:18:39,868 --> 00:18:41,870
You got in a slap fight with a drifter.
434
00:18:41,870 --> 00:18:44,331
If anything, Wolf should be afraid
he's gonna end up in a grave
435
00:18:44,331 --> 00:18:45,874
just marked "Husband."
436
00:18:45,874 --> 00:18:48,210
And you should make sure he does.
As a goof.
437
00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:51,463
Poor Wife. I guess the least we can do
is lay some flowers on her grave.
438
00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:53,298
And a pepperoni pizza.
439
00:18:53,298 --> 00:18:54,716
I mean, sure.
440
00:18:54,716 --> 00:18:58,011
Have you had a pepperoni pizza before?
They're amazing.
441
00:18:58,011 --> 00:18:59,847
It's a beautiful gesture.
442
00:19:00,848 --> 00:19:03,100
{\an8}There you go, Wife. Enjoy your pizza.
443
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:05,602
Wait, what's that?
444
00:19:06,270 --> 00:19:07,980
[Judy] "Bartholomew Wife"?
445
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:10,149
Hold up! Wife is a last name?
446
00:19:10,774 --> 00:19:15,445
{\an8}"Manifred Wife, pronounced wee-fay,
was also known as Manifred the Maniac.
447
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:17,948
Manifred Wife was a prolific murderer
448
00:19:17,948 --> 00:19:20,868
who killed 17 people
including her husband Bartholomew."
449
00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:23,245
- Whoa.
- So she wasn't just a wife.
450
00:19:23,245 --> 00:19:24,913
Good for you.
451
00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:26,999
{\an8}My gallbladder, huh?
452
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:29,293
Yep. You got some
pretty sizable stones in there.
453
00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:30,586
Hell yeah, he does.
454
00:19:30,586 --> 00:19:32,963
Dad's blad makes some sick stones.
455
00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:34,965
The pain can come and go with eating,
456
00:19:34,965 --> 00:19:37,634
but we'll remove it today
and you're as free as a bird.
457
00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:41,388
I have my little pepper surgery badge,
Doc. I can scrub in if needed.
458
00:19:41,388 --> 00:19:43,265
Won't be necessary for this one, Moon.
459
00:19:43,265 --> 00:19:46,560
But I do have a spinal surgery on Thursday
I wouldn't mind a consult on.
460
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,229
Uh, I have to move
some things around, but I'm in.
461
00:19:49,229 --> 00:19:52,941
Dad, we're real proud of you
for finally asking for help from a doctor
462
00:19:52,941 --> 00:19:54,318
who isn't a pipe on a hill.
463
00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:57,446
And, uh, maybe you could, uh, do it again,
the seeing a doctor thing,
464
00:19:57,446 --> 00:19:59,656
'cause of how we want you to be alive.
465
00:19:59,656 --> 00:20:00,824
Sorry to be pushy.
466
00:20:00,824 --> 00:20:02,367
No, Ham. You're right.
467
00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:05,621
I promise, from now on
I'll get an annual physical
468
00:20:05,621 --> 00:20:08,874
- every five to six years or so.
- [Wolf] That's a start.
469
00:20:08,874 --> 00:20:11,168
Vaya con Dios, gallbladder.
470
00:20:11,168 --> 00:20:13,503
You're gonna be all right.
471
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,966
[Honeybee] What the hell?
You all have gravestones already?
472
00:20:17,966 --> 00:20:21,053
Yes. A few years ago,
I got a deal on some granite
473
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:23,472
and, uh, w-well, one thing led to another.
474
00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:26,767
Speaking of which. Honeybee,
a little bird named Judy told me
475
00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:29,228
that you were kind of worried
about ending up like old Wife,
476
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:32,022
which inspired me to get you
this stone stunner.
477
00:20:32,814 --> 00:20:36,568
- You picked a death year?
- You'll be 220 years old. So it's cool.
478
00:20:36,568 --> 00:20:38,904
And it also has all kinds of facts
about you on it.
479
00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:41,657
Like that you're a "Shrek-thusiast,"
an entrepreneur.
480
00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:43,951
Plus lots of space to add anything else
as it comes along.
481
00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:46,495
Like if you suddenly get super into
Dave Matthews Band.
482
00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:50,123
Wolf, this is deeply unsettling
but also kind of touching, I guess.
483
00:20:50,123 --> 00:20:53,168
All right. Enough grave gazing.
Let's head in for dinner.
484
00:20:53,168 --> 00:20:56,380
Now that my "G-blad" is out,
fatty foods are my friend again.
485
00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:58,924
And I made my famous
five-butters casserole.
486
00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:00,842
Dibs on a corner piece.
487
00:21:00,842 --> 00:21:03,136
{\an8}[Aunt Dirt] ♪ Hey there Lady
Sittin' 'n' poutin' ♪
488
00:21:03,136 --> 00:21:04,846
{\an8}♪ Hey there woman
Just sittin' and a' doubtin' ♪
489
00:21:04,846 --> 00:21:07,224
{\an8}♪ I think you're perfect
Within and without and ♪
490
00:21:07,224 --> 00:21:09,101
{\an8}♪ Hey! Get onto my log! ♪
491
00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:13,438
{\an8}♪ Oh, when we're on the log
Our worries cannot find us ♪
492
00:21:13,438 --> 00:21:17,734
{\an8}♪ A stump beneath our feet
The past so far behind us ♪
493
00:21:17,734 --> 00:21:20,487
{\an8}♪ Spinnin' down the river
Footloose and fancy free ♪
494
00:21:20,487 --> 00:21:22,572
{\an8}♪ Am I the log or is she me? ♪
495
00:21:22,572 --> 00:21:24,491
{\an8}♪ Birch or elm
Maple or sycamore ♪
496
00:21:24,491 --> 00:21:26,702
{\an8}♪ I like to hop on
With a gal or two or four ♪
497
00:21:26,702 --> 00:21:29,121
{\an8}♪ Let's take our log to Paris
Or the Jersey Shore ♪
498
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:30,872
{\an8}♪ Hey! Get onto my log! ♪