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00:00:01,570 --> 00:00:04,610
- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪
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00:00:04,610 --> 00:00:06,045
♪ Nature and stuff ♪
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- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪
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♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
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♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪
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♪ Catch some fish ♪
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♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪
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♪ Wow ♪
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♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
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♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪
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♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
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♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪
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♪ In the Great North. ♪
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[cheering]
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Ham, I love that you made
my pancake into a little face,
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but I regret to inform you
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that now I simply
cannot eat Gerard.
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Gonna have a tough life
in Alaska
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if you can't bring yourself
to eat a friend, doll.
20
00:00:45,390 --> 00:00:48,463
Hmm. Okay, how about a piece
of my practice flan instead?
21
00:00:48,463 --> 00:00:51,971
Dad ate most of them yesterday,
but there's a few left.
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Figures. For centuries,
men have been eating
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00:00:53,941 --> 00:00:55,712
more than their fair share
of the flan.
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Preach. Pigs.
25
00:00:57,114 --> 00:00:58,818
(whoops) My brother's
gonna be a celebrity
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00:00:58,918 --> 00:01:02,024
for making the flan for a real,
professional restaurant.
27
00:01:02,124 --> 00:01:03,994
You must feel like
the non-famous Hemsworth
28
00:01:03,994 --> 00:01:05,665
- right about now, huh?
- Yep.
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Invisible but proud.
30
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Which menu will your flan be on?
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00:01:08,971 --> 00:01:10,541
Regular, kids or seniors?
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- All three, baby.
- [Judy] Ooh-la-la.
33
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Holy hot dogs, Ham.
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00:01:14,249 --> 00:01:15,685
Hey, where's Dad?
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He usually only takes a
three-and-a-half-minute shower,
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but he's been in there
14 minutes now.
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Hmm. I mean, he's probably
just way in the zone.
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Getting all those papa nooks
and dad crannies.
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Wolf, how many times
do I have to ask you
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not to say "dad crannies"?
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Many more, probably.
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[Beef] Gah!
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Was that Dad?
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[Beef wails]
45
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Dad, you okay in there?
46
00:01:34,455 --> 00:01:36,760
Perfect. [groaning loudly]
47
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Oh. Uh...
[chuckles] Whoops.
48
00:01:38,297 --> 00:01:39,265
Closing the door.
49
00:01:39,265 --> 00:01:40,769
Uh, but, Dad... [stammers]
50
00:01:40,769 --> 00:01:41,737
sounds like you're in pain?
51
00:01:41,737 --> 00:01:42,973
I am fine, son.
52
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[groans]
53
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Just having a little pain
in my midsection.
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And chest. And back.
55
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- Chest?
- And back.
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Probably just pulled
some muscles.
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You want me to, uh...
[stammers]
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00:01:53,026 --> 00:01:54,597
come in and get your towel
for you?
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00:01:54,697 --> 00:01:57,636
No, thank you, son.
I shall use nature's towel--
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00:01:57,736 --> 00:01:58,904
standing here.
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- [groaning]
- [Ham] Hey, Dad.
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00:02:00,641 --> 00:02:02,579
- You doing okay?
- Do not worry, Ham.
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00:02:02,679 --> 00:02:04,983
Just pulled a few muscles
in the shower.
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- Makes perfect sense, but may
I also suggest you see a doctor?
- [groaning]
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Nonsense. I'll go see
the magical glacial water pipe
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00:02:11,797 --> 00:02:14,536
in Death Cliff today
and drink its healing waters.
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- [groaning]
- Mother Pipe? Dad,
that's a very cool legend,
68
00:02:17,375 --> 00:02:21,149
but maybe we see a real doctor
instead of a leaky metal tube.
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00:02:21,149 --> 00:02:22,150
No, thank you.
70
00:02:22,150 --> 00:02:22,985
Now, if you'll excuse me,
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00:02:22,985 --> 00:02:25,424
I better get ready
for my journey.
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[groans]
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[strained]
Mmm, that's good.
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- Oop.
- [all exclaim]
- [Ham] Dad butt!
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Good thinking, towel.
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I am perfectly dry.
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[groaning]
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Huh. So the crooked butt crack
runs in the family.
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- Oh, yeah.
- Uh-huh.
- My poops come out in a curlicue
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00:02:40,755 --> 00:02:42,391
like soft-serve ice cream.
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[Honeybee]
Well, it was great
to see you, veronica.
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00:02:44,028 --> 00:02:46,199
We can't let two years
go by again.
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00:02:46,332 --> 00:02:48,103
I was relieved
when you reached out to me.
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Funny story--
I thought you were dead.
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- Really?
- Uh, yeah.
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Everyone in Fresno said
you followed some guy
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into the wilderness.
[chuckles]
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I've seen Dateline, Honeybee.
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00:02:57,088 --> 00:02:58,356
I know how those stories end.
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Uh, I didn't just follow a guy.
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I fell in love.
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00:03:01,463 --> 00:03:03,601
Is someone
making you say that right now?
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00:03:03,601 --> 00:03:05,504
- Blink three times if yes.
- [chuckles]
94
00:03:05,604 --> 00:03:07,474
- I just got married
and moved away.
- Okay,
95
00:03:07,576 --> 00:03:11,717
it's just... If anything,
a guy should be following you.
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00:03:11,850 --> 00:03:13,019
Oh, crap, I got to go.
97
00:03:13,119 --> 00:03:15,357
My neighbor's kid is looking
through my window again.
98
00:03:15,357 --> 00:03:16,861
Get out of here, Hans!
99
00:03:16,861 --> 00:03:20,000
Bye, Honeybee.
Don't lose yourself up there.
100
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,002
Whatever, Veronica.
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I didn't follow a guy.
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I'm a leader.
In fact, I'm gonna lead myself
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on a walk around the property.
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And because I want to,
not because it's one
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of the only things you can do
around this place.
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[groans]
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00:03:32,090 --> 00:03:33,460
Okay.
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Oh...
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There she is, Mother Pipe.
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Alaska's doctor.
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Sweet mountain nectar.
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[groaning]
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Ah.
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Thank you, dear Mother.
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I have suckled
and been made whole.
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[yells]
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[grunts, groaning]
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Better go have one more sip
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to heal these fresh wounds.
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[grunting]
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I mean, who does
Veronica think she is?
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00:04:01,717 --> 00:04:03,554
So what if I moved up here
for a guy?
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What, I should have
stayed in Fresno,
124
00:04:04,990 --> 00:04:06,125
working at the curtain store?
125
00:04:06,125 --> 00:04:07,896
My dad playing Steely Dan
all day?
126
00:04:07,896 --> 00:04:09,866
Ooh. What in the...
127
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"Wife"?
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That's all they put
on this lady's grave?
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No name?
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Well, maybe there's something
on the back.
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Mm, nope.
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00:04:17,314 --> 00:04:18,049
You poor girl.
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00:04:18,149 --> 00:04:19,586
You got to be more
than just "Wife."
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00:04:19,686 --> 00:04:20,955
I got to get
to the bottom of this.
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All right, Wife,
you wait right here, which...
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00:04:23,159 --> 00:04:24,897
you have to, 'cause you're dead.
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Uh, I-I'll be right back.
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[Dirt]
Thanks for taking me
by the grocery store.
139
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I still can't believe you
can buy a fully cooked chicken
140
00:04:32,211 --> 00:04:33,647
every single day.
141
00:04:33,747 --> 00:04:35,183
Mmm. Good.
142
00:04:35,284 --> 00:04:37,856
And they did not skimp
on the bones.
143
00:04:37,856 --> 00:04:39,158
Oh, hey, kids.
144
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Your dad went to suck
on that drainage pipe
145
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or whatever it is,
so he sent us to get you.
146
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So, guys, have you seen
this grave out in the woods
147
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- that's just labeled "Wife"?
- Yep.
148
00:04:48,911 --> 00:04:51,650
I have that grave marked
on my cemetery map of Lone Moose
149
00:04:51,650 --> 00:04:53,688
for when the zombie apocalypse
starts.
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00:04:53,688 --> 00:04:55,692
Hell if Wife is gonna
eat my brain.
151
00:04:55,692 --> 00:04:57,094
Well, she's eating my brain
already,
152
00:04:57,227 --> 00:04:58,430
'cause she's
all I can think about.
153
00:04:58,430 --> 00:05:00,502
That poor woman
is just lying out there
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00:05:00,502 --> 00:05:01,837
in a hole marked "Wife."
155
00:05:01,837 --> 00:05:03,206
Not even a name.
156
00:05:03,306 --> 00:05:04,709
I've seen that grave,
like, a million times
157
00:05:04,843 --> 00:05:06,980
and just kind of shrugged it off
as vintage sexism,
158
00:05:06,980 --> 00:05:09,586
but, yeah, no one deserves
to just be thrown in a hole
159
00:05:09,586 --> 00:05:11,456
and labeled with the W-word.
160
00:05:11,557 --> 00:05:13,827
Unless the W-word is "Wassup."
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Can you even imagine that
on a grave?
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00:05:15,865 --> 00:05:17,636
I think I'm gonna
do a little research
163
00:05:17,736 --> 00:05:19,105
and find out who this woman was.
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00:05:19,105 --> 00:05:20,808
Maybe I can share her
accomplishments with the world.
165
00:05:20,908 --> 00:05:23,079
- Oh, I'm in.
- Let's dig up her secrets.
166
00:05:23,179 --> 00:05:25,250
And maybe her jewelry.
167
00:05:25,351 --> 00:05:27,154
[Beef groaning]
168
00:05:27,154 --> 00:05:28,323
Ow.
169
00:05:28,423 --> 00:05:29,225
Hey, Dad.
170
00:05:29,325 --> 00:05:31,496
That's a pretty fun noise
you're making.
171
00:05:31,496 --> 00:05:34,736
Mm, you aren't by any chance
still in pain, are you, Father?
172
00:05:34,736 --> 00:05:36,707
Mm, nope.
I suckled the pipe,
173
00:05:36,707 --> 00:05:40,949
and her nectars are at this
very moment coating my insides
174
00:05:40,949 --> 00:05:42,451
in a thick layer of health.
175
00:05:42,451 --> 00:05:45,123
Good, 'cause my flan reveal
is at lunch tomorrow,
176
00:05:45,224 --> 00:05:47,762
and I need you
at full eating strength.
177
00:05:47,863 --> 00:05:49,566
Oh, hey.
Slippity Dips is starting.
178
00:05:49,566 --> 00:05:51,001
In our first slippity clip,
179
00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:53,172
a mailman named Floyd makes a...
180
00:05:53,273 --> 00:05:55,077
- Floyd-ian slip.
- [yells]
- [laughing]
181
00:05:55,077 --> 00:05:57,047
[laughs, groaning]
182
00:05:57,147 --> 00:06:00,253
- Oh... uh, Dad?
- Dad, we really should get you
to the doctor.
183
00:06:00,353 --> 00:06:01,455
Like, now.
184
00:06:01,455 --> 00:06:02,558
[strained] Nonsense.
185
00:06:02,558 --> 00:06:03,594
In this next slip,
186
00:06:03,694 --> 00:06:05,798
a child falls in a ravine.
187
00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:07,001
In a funny way.
188
00:06:07,001 --> 00:06:08,504
[laughs]
Ow!
189
00:06:08,504 --> 00:06:10,574
[strained laughing]
190
00:06:12,444 --> 00:06:14,883
Guys, I'm hella worried
about Dad.
191
00:06:14,883 --> 00:06:15,885
I googled his symptoms,
192
00:06:15,885 --> 00:06:17,655
and it could be anything
from muscle spasm
193
00:06:17,755 --> 00:06:20,795
to a heart attack to something
called "haunted pancreas."
194
00:06:20,795 --> 00:06:22,599
I'm worried, too,
but it's impossible
195
00:06:22,599 --> 00:06:24,167
to get that man to a doctor.
196
00:06:24,167 --> 00:06:26,439
Remember when one of his feet
faced the wrong way
197
00:06:26,439 --> 00:06:27,441
for, like, a year?
198
00:06:27,441 --> 00:06:28,910
Of course.
I had to tie the boot
199
00:06:28,910 --> 00:06:30,748
on the backwards one
every morning.
200
00:06:30,848 --> 00:06:32,552
But this isn't gonna
be like that,
201
00:06:32,552 --> 00:06:33,888
because I have a plan.
202
00:06:33,988 --> 00:06:36,292
It's not just giving him
compliments, is it?
203
00:06:36,292 --> 00:06:38,063
Yeah, there'll be
a little of that, sure.
204
00:06:38,063 --> 00:06:39,332
But here's what we do:
205
00:06:39,432 --> 00:06:41,904
we give him
the doctor exam sneaky-style,
206
00:06:42,004 --> 00:06:42,905
right here at home.
207
00:06:42,905 --> 00:06:44,910
Fun.
Dibs on nodding reassuringly
208
00:06:44,910 --> 00:06:46,580
while listening
through a stethoscope.
209
00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:49,619
Okay, Operation HPV is a go--
210
00:06:49,719 --> 00:06:52,057
Heal Papa Victoriously.
211
00:06:52,157 --> 00:06:54,028
Love the plan, hate the name.
212
00:06:54,128 --> 00:06:55,330
All right, hands in.
213
00:06:55,430 --> 00:06:56,700
H-P...
214
00:06:56,700 --> 00:06:58,436
Oh, it's just gonna be me?
215
00:06:58,436 --> 00:06:59,806
Fine. V!
216
00:07:03,179 --> 00:07:05,952
Okay, here he comes.
Time to get into our dad's body.
217
00:07:05,952 --> 00:07:07,755
Oh, my God.
It's like you've never heard
218
00:07:07,855 --> 00:07:09,158
- a word you've said.
- [door closes]
219
00:07:09,158 --> 00:07:11,495
[strained]
Mm, mm, mm-hmm.
220
00:07:11,597 --> 00:07:12,866
Mm.
[grunting]
221
00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:14,503
Oh. Hello, Father.
222
00:07:14,603 --> 00:07:15,972
How was work this morning?
223
00:07:16,072 --> 00:07:17,074
Good haul?
224
00:07:17,074 --> 00:07:19,011
- Kill a lot of fish?
- Mm-hmm.
225
00:07:19,011 --> 00:07:20,213
Cool, cool.
226
00:07:20,314 --> 00:07:22,619
And, uh, brisk wind
out on the sea?
227
00:07:22,719 --> 00:07:24,455
Any difficulty breathing?
228
00:07:24,455 --> 00:07:25,490
The breathing was...
229
00:07:25,625 --> 00:07:27,328
[wheezes]
great.
230
00:07:27,328 --> 00:07:28,396
Oh, Dad, uh,
231
00:07:28,396 --> 00:07:30,066
just, uh, wondering,
232
00:07:30,066 --> 00:07:31,335
when you hauled the fish in,
233
00:07:31,469 --> 00:07:33,541
which of these faces
did you feel like?
234
00:07:33,641 --> 00:07:35,878
None. Those guys
are all hotter than me.
235
00:07:35,878 --> 00:07:36,947
Uh, okay...
236
00:07:37,047 --> 00:07:37,815
[Moon groans]
237
00:07:37,815 --> 00:07:39,686
Guys, I've got a big problem.
238
00:07:39,686 --> 00:07:41,389
I have a project
for science class,
239
00:07:41,389 --> 00:07:43,694
and the topic
is older men's urine.
240
00:07:43,694 --> 00:07:45,363
I remember that unit.
241
00:07:45,363 --> 00:07:48,069
But I forgot to collect
an older man's pee.
242
00:07:48,169 --> 00:07:49,271
Damn it.
[groans]
243
00:07:49,371 --> 00:07:50,908
Guess I'll just fail.
244
00:07:50,908 --> 00:07:51,944
That sucks.
245
00:07:52,044 --> 00:07:53,312
Unless...
246
00:07:53,413 --> 00:07:56,586
Dad, could you pee in this cup
and then write your name on it?
247
00:07:56,586 --> 00:07:59,024
And then seal it?
And then write today's date?
248
00:07:59,124 --> 00:08:00,260
And then give it back to me?
249
00:08:00,260 --> 00:08:01,797
I'll surely get an A.
250
00:08:01,897 --> 00:08:04,502
Yeah, with Dad's pee
in your pocket, you can't lose.
251
00:08:04,636 --> 00:08:07,474
Gentlemen, I was not
birthed yesterday.
252
00:08:07,575 --> 00:08:09,912
I see that you three
are trying to give me
253
00:08:10,013 --> 00:08:12,819
some kind
of at-home doctor's exam.
254
00:08:12,819 --> 00:08:16,192
Geez, Dad, all we asked for
was a little bit of pee
255
00:08:16,192 --> 00:08:18,163
and suddenly we lose all trust?
256
00:08:18,263 --> 00:08:19,431
Son, cut it out.
257
00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:21,368
My body is private,
even to myself.
258
00:08:21,468 --> 00:08:24,742
That's why there's a curtain
around it called "my skin."
259
00:08:24,742 --> 00:08:27,114
- But, Dad, you really should--
- Put your "but, Dad"
260
00:08:27,248 --> 00:08:28,350
in your butt, son.
261
00:08:28,350 --> 00:08:30,119
Can no one hear themselves?
262
00:08:30,219 --> 00:08:32,424
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to head back
263
00:08:32,424 --> 00:08:34,295
to Mother Pipe for another sip.
264
00:08:34,295 --> 00:08:37,635
But, Dad, my flan debuts at
the restaurant today at lunch.
265
00:08:37,635 --> 00:08:39,138
You promised to go.
266
00:08:39,138 --> 00:08:40,775
I'll meet you there at noo...
267
00:08:40,875 --> 00:08:42,545
[groaning]
268
00:08:42,545 --> 00:08:43,814
[whimpers]
269
00:08:43,914 --> 00:08:44,615
...oon.
270
00:08:44,716 --> 00:08:46,987
[pained grunting]
271
00:08:46,987 --> 00:08:49,826
Should we just take his pee
by force?
272
00:08:49,826 --> 00:08:51,963
Damn it.
If we can't get Dad to a doctor,
273
00:08:51,963 --> 00:08:53,834
maybe we can
get a doctor to Dad.
274
00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:57,776
Yep. One way or another, we have
got to push those D's together.
275
00:08:57,776 --> 00:08:59,579
Okay, now I'm doing it.
276
00:08:59,579 --> 00:09:01,917
[Honeybee] All right,
we know that Wife's grave
277
00:09:02,017 --> 00:09:03,252
is from 1888.
278
00:09:03,252 --> 00:09:05,591
And it says here that some
very unprepared British settlers
279
00:09:05,591 --> 00:09:07,662
came here to join
some other European idiots
280
00:09:07,662 --> 00:09:08,798
around that time.
281
00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:10,400
Yeah, dumb white people
282
00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:12,304
was definitely
the early Lone Moose vibe.
283
00:09:12,304 --> 00:09:15,110
Ugh, but she could be any
of these smoking '80s babes.
284
00:09:15,110 --> 00:09:17,013
How do I match a face
with a grave?
285
00:09:17,013 --> 00:09:18,584
Well, maybe we should
just give up
286
00:09:18,684 --> 00:09:21,389
and go over to Ham's
big flan menu reveal?
287
00:09:21,489 --> 00:09:24,763
I mean, maybe one of these gals
wasn't as dumb as the others.
288
00:09:24,763 --> 00:09:27,902
Maybe she was actually
a big-city girl from London
289
00:09:28,002 --> 00:09:29,772
and her name
was something like...
290
00:09:29,872 --> 00:09:31,242
Persephogenia Lumpnobble.
291
00:09:31,375 --> 00:09:33,681
And she was an associate
professor of squalor studies
292
00:09:33,681 --> 00:09:35,049
who'd come to do research.
293
00:09:35,049 --> 00:09:36,085
Now, back then,
294
00:09:36,085 --> 00:09:37,688
most of the dumb
European settlers
295
00:09:37,688 --> 00:09:40,393
lived in holes
in a big old mud and poop lake.
296
00:09:40,493 --> 00:09:42,532
Mm, such wonderful squalor.
297
00:09:42,632 --> 00:09:45,771
It's wall-to-wall squall
around here.
298
00:09:45,872 --> 00:09:47,642
[Honeybee]
They weren't used to strangers
in Lone Moose,
299
00:09:47,742 --> 00:09:50,648
so this beauty stood out
like a ravishing thumb.
300
00:09:50,748 --> 00:09:52,852
And then a squalid
but handsome gentleman
301
00:09:52,852 --> 00:09:54,956
extended his dirty hand to her.
302
00:09:55,056 --> 00:09:56,659
Wa-wa-wee-wa.
303
00:09:56,759 --> 00:09:58,029
Pardon me, ma'am. I can tell
304
00:09:58,029 --> 00:09:59,498
by how little dirt you have
in your teeth
305
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,168
that you're not
from around here.
306
00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:03,740
Might I take you on a tour
of our nasty neighborhood?
307
00:10:03,740 --> 00:10:05,778
This is our pile
of dead animals.
308
00:10:05,878 --> 00:10:07,916
This is our pile of dead people.
309
00:10:07,916 --> 00:10:09,686
And this is our playground.
310
00:10:10,486 --> 00:10:13,660
I have an idea that could change
things for all of you.
311
00:10:13,761 --> 00:10:15,898
It's a reverse hole
above the ground,
312
00:10:15,898 --> 00:10:17,768
and we call it "a house."
313
00:10:17,768 --> 00:10:19,171
[Honeybee]
And maybe
314
00:10:19,271 --> 00:10:21,676
Persephogenia taught
all the dum-dums about houses
315
00:10:21,676 --> 00:10:23,581
and they stopped living
in holes.
316
00:10:23,681 --> 00:10:25,183
And she was about to return
to London
317
00:10:25,183 --> 00:10:27,187
when the townie
did something super romantic.
318
00:10:27,187 --> 00:10:29,759
Miss Clean Lady,
I want you to have this.
319
00:10:29,759 --> 00:10:32,665
It's a hideous corn husk doll
I made for you.
320
00:10:32,765 --> 00:10:35,269
Ma'am, mightn't
we become betrothed in wedlock
321
00:10:35,269 --> 00:10:38,042
and grow to the ripe old age
of 35 together?
322
00:10:38,042 --> 00:10:39,277
[Honeybee]
And she said yes.
323
00:10:39,377 --> 00:10:40,648
And then one day they went
324
00:10:40,748 --> 00:10:42,851
to a beaver corpse
baseball game, and...
325
00:10:42,952 --> 00:10:45,023
- [all gasp]
- Aah!
- ...she died.
326
00:10:45,023 --> 00:10:47,094
And because the nasty Townie
never learned her name,
327
00:10:47,094 --> 00:10:48,864
he paid a local child in tobacco
328
00:10:48,964 --> 00:10:50,868
to just chisel "Wife"
on her headstone.
329
00:10:50,968 --> 00:10:52,872
And then, I guess,
everyone forgot about her
330
00:10:52,972 --> 00:10:55,443
and her contributions,
including her friend Veronica.
331
00:10:55,578 --> 00:10:56,847
[Judy]
Oof. Poor
332
00:10:56,947 --> 00:10:58,282
Persephogenia Lumpnobble.
333
00:10:58,382 --> 00:11:00,353
And poor us, 'cause we still
don't have any answers.
334
00:11:00,353 --> 00:11:03,459
But I'm thinking maybe we should
check the old census records
335
00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:04,796
at the historical society.
336
00:11:04,796 --> 00:11:07,835
Oh, wow, I'm excited.
You guys excited?
337
00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:09,338
I'm just kidding.
Let's go.
338
00:11:09,338 --> 00:11:11,475
Thanks for wearing
the disguise, Dr. Callahan.
339
00:11:11,475 --> 00:11:14,281
It'll help us get you close
enough to Dad to examine him.
340
00:11:14,381 --> 00:11:16,786
Sure. I mean, I mostly do
this kind of thing for kids
341
00:11:16,786 --> 00:11:18,256
who are scared of the doctor.
342
00:11:18,256 --> 00:11:21,563
And also, pirate meetups,
and once in my private life,
343
00:11:21,563 --> 00:11:22,999
- but I'm happy to help.
- Great.
344
00:11:22,999 --> 00:11:24,636
We really don't want
our dad to die.
345
00:11:24,636 --> 00:11:26,939
I'm not ready to be
the Tobin patriarch yet.
346
00:11:26,939 --> 00:11:28,644
I don't even know
when trash day is.
347
00:11:28,644 --> 00:11:31,148
So, here's the plan:
approach the table,
348
00:11:31,248 --> 00:11:32,785
claim to be
a fellow sea captain--
349
00:11:32,885 --> 00:11:35,256
which Dad'll love 'cause
he's a real captain hound--
350
00:11:35,356 --> 00:11:37,862
then give him a long hug
and listen to his heart.
351
00:11:37,862 --> 00:11:40,968
Bada-bing, bada-boom,
you diagnose our dad.
352
00:11:41,770 --> 00:11:42,805
What the...
353
00:11:42,805 --> 00:11:43,807
[humming a tune]
354
00:11:43,807 --> 00:11:45,745
[laughs]
Hello, boys.
355
00:11:45,745 --> 00:11:47,013
Guess who's all better.
356
00:11:47,113 --> 00:11:49,285
For real this time,
and I am not lying.
357
00:11:49,385 --> 00:11:52,525
Enter, and let us celebrate
your brother's flan.
358
00:11:52,525 --> 00:11:56,131
Our father sucked upon a pipe
and he hath been healed.
359
00:11:56,231 --> 00:11:57,868
Hallelujah.
360
00:12:01,743 --> 00:12:03,780
So, you really feel all better?
361
00:12:03,914 --> 00:12:05,984
[Beef] Yep. Pardon me
for starting without you,
362
00:12:05,984 --> 00:12:08,523
but I haven't been able
to eat much the past few days.
363
00:12:08,623 --> 00:12:12,397
My fettuccine Alfredo levels
had gotten dangerously low.
364
00:12:12,497 --> 00:12:14,367
So, you have, like, no pain
365
00:12:14,367 --> 00:12:16,005
- at all?
- Nope.
366
00:12:16,105 --> 00:12:18,844
[pirate accent]: Hello there,
friends. I'm a ship's captain
367
00:12:18,844 --> 00:12:22,384
blowing through town
with me, uh, cargo.
368
00:12:22,518 --> 00:12:23,921
May I give you a hug?
369
00:12:24,021 --> 00:12:26,025
[laughs]
Hello, Dr. Callahan.
370
00:12:26,025 --> 00:12:28,664
Let me guess-- my boys
asked you to come down here
371
00:12:28,764 --> 00:12:30,767
and sneakily give me a checkup?
372
00:12:30,868 --> 00:12:32,539
[regular accent]:
Argh, you caught me.
373
00:12:32,639 --> 00:12:34,007
They're worried about you, Beef.
374
00:12:34,107 --> 00:12:35,410
Actually, Doc,
he feels all better.
375
00:12:35,410 --> 00:12:37,782
Okay, well, there are
some serious conditions
376
00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:39,084
that can come and go,
377
00:12:39,184 --> 00:12:40,453
- namely gall--
- Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.
378
00:12:40,453 --> 00:12:43,627
This is a restaurant,
not a medicine class.
379
00:12:43,627 --> 00:12:45,731
I'm here celebrate
my son's success
380
00:12:45,731 --> 00:12:48,035
in the Lone Moose
culinary scene.
381
00:12:48,035 --> 00:12:49,404
But the pain
in your back and chest--
382
00:12:49,404 --> 00:12:53,145
Uh-uh. Life is a mystery,
and no spoilers, please.
383
00:12:53,145 --> 00:12:54,849
- Beef, but it could be--
- No. You know what?
384
00:12:54,949 --> 00:12:57,053
If you won't leave me alone,
then I'll leave you alone.
385
00:12:57,153 --> 00:12:58,923
I'm gonna snow machine home.
386
00:12:58,923 --> 00:13:02,564
Come along, potato, I shall
be devouring you on the way.
387
00:13:02,664 --> 00:13:05,069
But Dad, my flan!
My big day.
388
00:13:05,069 --> 00:13:07,609
I love you, son.
Bring me home a piece.
389
00:13:07,609 --> 00:13:10,380
[mutters] Stupid doctor doesn't
know what he's talking about.
390
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:12,283
Nothing wrong with me.
I've never felt better.
391
00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:14,722
Aah!
My heart!
392
00:13:14,722 --> 00:13:17,126
Aah! My potato!
393
00:13:17,126 --> 00:13:19,131
Aah!
394
00:13:19,131 --> 00:13:21,368
[grunts, groans]
Can't move.
395
00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:24,007
I'm so sorry, potato.
396
00:13:24,107 --> 00:13:25,611
[Honeybee]
Huh, maybe
397
00:13:25,611 --> 00:13:26,980
this is something.
Says here
398
00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:29,217
there was a log-rolling
competition in 1888,
399
00:13:29,317 --> 00:13:30,988
but only men
were allowed to enter.
400
00:13:31,088 --> 00:13:32,424
That's something I'll never say.
401
00:13:32,424 --> 00:13:34,361
Still, you got to wonder,
what if there was one woman
402
00:13:34,361 --> 00:13:36,566
who did try to enter?
Let's say she married a man
403
00:13:36,666 --> 00:13:39,539
who worked at the mill.
And maybe this lady was gifted
404
00:13:39,539 --> 00:13:42,110
with log-rolling abilities.
See, this wife had been born
405
00:13:42,210 --> 00:13:44,314
on a log in the middle
of the Mighty Mississipp,
406
00:13:44,414 --> 00:13:45,551
and she could spin
407
00:13:45,651 --> 00:13:47,755
that wily wood like
she was hanging a drape.
408
00:13:47,755 --> 00:13:49,425
And she was so talented,
it caught on,
409
00:13:49,526 --> 00:13:51,863
and everybody in Lone Moose
wanted to learn
410
00:13:51,963 --> 00:13:53,567
and be just like her.
411
00:13:53,567 --> 00:13:56,471
It became so popular, they
decided to have a competition.
412
00:13:56,471 --> 00:13:58,376
But wouldn't you know it,
they made a rule that women
413
00:13:58,376 --> 00:14:00,213
couldn't compete,
even though this wife
414
00:14:00,213 --> 00:14:01,482
started the whole damn thing.
415
00:14:01,482 --> 00:14:02,585
So she taught her husband
416
00:14:02,585 --> 00:14:04,254
everything she knew, and he won.
417
00:14:04,254 --> 00:14:07,795
And then people started saying
he taught her to log-roll.
418
00:14:07,795 --> 00:14:09,331
And of course
he took credit for it,
419
00:14:09,331 --> 00:14:11,101
'cause taking credit
for stuff is fun.
420
00:14:11,101 --> 00:14:13,005
Wife decided to prove herself
by getting out there
421
00:14:13,005 --> 00:14:15,443
on the river, and she was
absolutely incredible.
422
00:14:15,577 --> 00:14:19,017
But then, a big wave
washed her out to sea.
423
00:14:19,017 --> 00:14:22,691
And she danced on that log
for months, waiting for help.
424
00:14:22,792 --> 00:14:24,461
And then, sadly,
she got run over
425
00:14:24,562 --> 00:14:26,766
- Aah!
- by the Titanic, and she died.
426
00:14:26,766 --> 00:14:28,804
[Dirt]
Man, that Titanic
couldn't do anything right.
427
00:14:28,804 --> 00:14:31,141
[Honeybee]
And her husband
felt so bad about stealing
428
00:14:31,275 --> 00:14:32,578
her log-thunder,
he couldn't bear
429
00:14:32,578 --> 00:14:34,615
to even see her beautiful name,
so he put "Wife"
430
00:14:34,615 --> 00:14:38,389
on her grave
and then he exploded from grief.
431
00:14:39,024 --> 00:14:41,328
And with him
died the last memory of her,
432
00:14:41,428 --> 00:14:43,901
even though
she was an absolute boss.
433
00:14:44,034 --> 00:14:46,138
That's clearly what happened.
Let's go eat.
434
00:14:46,138 --> 00:14:49,945
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
and flan to my mouth.
435
00:14:50,046 --> 00:14:52,952
Dust. Sawdust.
The old Lone Moose Mill.
436
00:14:52,952 --> 00:14:54,956
We should go over there
and check the employee records.
437
00:14:54,956 --> 00:14:57,227
Oh, right.
Almost everyone and their child
438
00:14:57,327 --> 00:14:58,897
worked at the mill
back in the day.
439
00:14:58,897 --> 00:15:00,499
Not me.
I was foreman at the quarry
440
00:15:00,499 --> 00:15:01,970
all through middle school.
441
00:15:02,070 --> 00:15:04,508
Ten cents more an hour and all
the gravel you could eat.
442
00:15:04,508 --> 00:15:07,748
[groaning]
443
00:15:07,748 --> 00:15:08,851
Missing...
444
00:15:08,951 --> 00:15:11,254
ooh, precious...
445
00:15:11,254 --> 00:15:13,259
m-moments.
446
00:15:13,259 --> 00:15:14,862
Dying. [grunts]
447
00:15:14,862 --> 00:15:16,265
Ooh, ooh, my phone.
448
00:15:16,365 --> 00:15:17,602
[strains]
449
00:15:17,702 --> 00:15:19,805
Ooh. Must crawl.
450
00:15:19,905 --> 00:15:22,277
[straining]
451
00:15:22,377 --> 00:15:24,849
- [phone rings]
- No, no. Decline. Damn it.
452
00:15:24,949 --> 00:15:26,519
- No. [moans]
- Hey, it's me, Londra.
453
00:15:26,619 --> 00:15:28,590
Okay, so Beef,
you're not gonna believe this.
454
00:15:28,590 --> 00:15:30,894
- Nuh...
- Dusty and I were in Anchorage
this morning,
455
00:15:30,995 --> 00:15:32,497
food shopping
for her birthday dinner,
456
00:15:32,497 --> 00:15:34,568
and the Anchorage Food Otter
has watermelons.
457
00:15:34,568 --> 00:15:37,106
- [groans] Oh...
- No, that's not the crazy part.
458
00:15:37,106 --> 00:15:40,914
We cut the watermelon open,
and inside? A set of keys!
459
00:15:40,914 --> 00:15:42,985
[moaning] Oh...
460
00:15:43,085 --> 00:15:44,923
- Londra...
- Oh, my God, Beef,
461
00:15:44,923 --> 00:15:47,427
Dusty found a Bratz doll
in there, too.
462
00:15:47,528 --> 00:15:48,897
I'd love to chat more,
463
00:15:48,997 --> 00:15:51,636
but I got a lot more people
to call. Bye!
464
00:15:55,978 --> 00:15:57,180
♪ ♪
465
00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:58,082
Uh-oh.
466
00:15:58,082 --> 00:16:01,021
Hello, anyone? Am I...
467
00:16:01,121 --> 00:16:02,524
Oh, it's you. Hey, Dennis.
468
00:16:02,624 --> 00:16:03,760
Oh, you remembered my name.
469
00:16:03,860 --> 00:16:05,430
Yes, it's me. Your heart.
470
00:16:05,430 --> 00:16:06,566
Wassup?
471
00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:08,504
Oh, God. If you're here,
you're gonna tell me
472
00:16:08,504 --> 00:16:10,040
something's wrong
with my heart, right?
473
00:16:10,140 --> 00:16:11,510
That's why I've been having
the chest pain?
474
00:16:11,610 --> 00:16:13,413
What? I'm offended.
I'm in incredible shape.
475
00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:16,351
I'm a heart and yet, somehow,
I have abs.
476
00:16:16,351 --> 00:16:17,889
- Wow.
- Yeah, your lifestyle
477
00:16:17,989 --> 00:16:19,892
of constant physical activity,
heavy meats
478
00:16:19,892 --> 00:16:22,063
and relentless stress
keeps me very strong.
479
00:16:22,163 --> 00:16:24,735
Good to know,
but what is wrong with me?
480
00:16:24,735 --> 00:16:26,973
I have been in a lot of pain.
481
00:16:26,973 --> 00:16:29,010
I can't diagnose you.
A doctor should do that.
482
00:16:29,010 --> 00:16:31,448
Which is why I'm here.
I want to know why on Earth
483
00:16:31,448 --> 00:16:33,920
you won't go see
a flipping' doctor, my man.
484
00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:35,591
I... I'm afraid.
485
00:16:35,591 --> 00:16:37,360
'Cause what if it's something
really bad
486
00:16:37,460 --> 00:16:40,166
and then I die
and leave the kids behind?
487
00:16:40,266 --> 00:16:41,903
Wait, what? We die?
488
00:16:42,003 --> 00:16:45,009
Yes, I'll die someday,
and you'll die with me.
489
00:16:45,009 --> 00:16:46,546
What the hell, man?
This ends?!
490
00:16:46,646 --> 00:16:48,683
The brain didn't say anything
about that to me.
491
00:16:48,683 --> 00:16:50,420
Sorry.
I-I assumed you knew.
492
00:16:50,420 --> 00:16:53,058
Uh, no, I did not know.
I'm just a heart, man.
493
00:16:53,058 --> 00:16:55,496
- I can't think on my own.
- Apologies again.
494
00:16:55,496 --> 00:16:57,200
But yeah, that's
what I'm afraid of.
495
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:59,471
That I'll see the doctor
and he'll say I'm about to die,
496
00:16:59,572 --> 00:17:01,007
and then I'll have to live
a little longer
497
00:17:01,007 --> 00:17:02,878
knowing I'm gonna
leave these amazing kids
498
00:17:02,878 --> 00:17:05,884
and all the weird things they do
that I love so much behind.
499
00:17:05,884 --> 00:17:09,792
Also, trees and rocks and
mountains and Andie MacDowell?
500
00:17:09,792 --> 00:17:12,898
God, there's so much good stuff
here, I don't want to leave.
501
00:17:12,898 --> 00:17:14,267
Well, then,
what are you doing, man?
502
00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:15,503
Go to a doctor now.
503
00:17:15,604 --> 00:17:17,507
- You're right, I should save us.
- Yes.
504
00:17:17,608 --> 00:17:19,077
If I don't do the thing
I'm afraid of
505
00:17:19,177 --> 00:17:21,649
then the thing I'm
really afraid of will happen.
506
00:17:21,649 --> 00:17:23,019
Yes, let's not die.
507
00:17:23,019 --> 00:17:24,589
We have so much
to look forward to.
508
00:17:24,689 --> 00:17:27,026
I have a date with a teacher
from Ohio on Thursday.
509
00:17:27,026 --> 00:17:28,730
- Wait, how?
- Well, I met her...
510
00:17:28,730 --> 00:17:32,103
Ugh, no time. Good God, Beef,
do something now.
511
00:17:32,103 --> 00:17:34,575
Okay, okay. I will.
512
00:17:35,610 --> 00:17:36,780
[grunts]
513
00:17:36,780 --> 00:17:39,985
Boys!
Dr. Callahan!
514
00:17:40,085 --> 00:17:41,455
Is that Dad?
515
00:17:41,455 --> 00:17:43,493
I need help!
516
00:17:43,594 --> 00:17:47,868
Pull back my body curtain
and look inside.
517
00:17:49,204 --> 00:17:50,574
[Honeybee]
Hi.
518
00:17:50,574 --> 00:17:52,243
We were wondering if you
had employment records
519
00:17:52,343 --> 00:17:55,283
- from the 1880s.
- I'm sorry, the mill
has burned down
520
00:17:55,283 --> 00:17:56,920
and been rebuilt since then.
521
00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:59,357
- 47 times.
- Damn it!
522
00:18:00,159 --> 00:18:01,729
- [sighs]
- Well, Honeybee,
523
00:18:01,829 --> 00:18:03,132
you did all you could.
524
00:18:03,265 --> 00:18:05,671
Maybe it's just time
to let a sleeping corpse lie.
525
00:18:05,671 --> 00:18:07,306
No, we can't give up.
526
00:18:07,406 --> 00:18:09,377
Why is this bothering you
so much?
527
00:18:09,377 --> 00:18:10,848
I just...
I mean, what if this lady
528
00:18:10,948 --> 00:18:12,283
came all the way from Fresno?
529
00:18:12,383 --> 00:18:14,120
You know, 'cause she fell
in love with a guy she met
530
00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:16,826
in an 1800s Morse code chat room
or, uh, something,
531
00:18:16,826 --> 00:18:20,634
and it seemed like a good idea
but then she... she just died.
532
00:18:20,734 --> 00:18:22,404
And then everybody
forgot who she was.
533
00:18:22,404 --> 00:18:23,873
- The end.
- Okay, Honeybee, wait,
534
00:18:23,873 --> 00:18:26,879
you don't think you're like
this dead lady, do you?
535
00:18:26,979 --> 00:18:29,384
Maybe. Ugh.
My dumb friend Veronica
536
00:18:29,484 --> 00:18:32,825
said I gave up my life
and followed a guy to Alaska.
537
00:18:32,825 --> 00:18:34,762
Am I just a wife?
538
00:18:34,762 --> 00:18:35,997
Honeybee, come on.
539
00:18:35,997 --> 00:18:37,568
You're already a legend
in Lone Moose.
540
00:18:37,668 --> 00:18:39,572
You've been mayor,
you got attacked by an eagle,
541
00:18:39,572 --> 00:18:41,408
you got in a slap fight
with a drifter.
542
00:18:41,408 --> 00:18:44,414
If anything, Wolf should
be afraid he's gonna end up
543
00:18:44,414 --> 00:18:45,718
in a grave just marked
"Husband."
544
00:18:45,818 --> 00:18:48,155
And you should make sure
he does, as a goof.
545
00:18:48,255 --> 00:18:50,025
Poor Wife.
I guess the least we can do
546
00:18:50,025 --> 00:18:51,395
is lay some flowers
on her grave.
547
00:18:51,395 --> 00:18:53,499
And a pepperoni pizza.
548
00:18:53,499 --> 00:18:54,535
I mean, sure?
549
00:18:54,535 --> 00:18:56,539
Have you had
a pepperoni pizza before?
550
00:18:56,539 --> 00:19:00,179
They're amazing.
It's a beautiful gesture.
551
00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:03,820
There you go, Wife.
Enjoy your pizza.
552
00:19:03,921 --> 00:19:05,757
Wait, what's that?
553
00:19:05,757 --> 00:19:08,028
[Judy]
"Bartholomew Wife"?
554
00:19:08,028 --> 00:19:10,133
Hold up. "Wife" is a last name?
555
00:19:10,133 --> 00:19:13,038
"Manifred Wife,
pronounced, 'Wee-Fay,'
556
00:19:13,038 --> 00:19:15,142
"was also known
as Manifred the Maniac.
557
00:19:15,142 --> 00:19:17,714
"Manifred Wife
was a prolific murderer
558
00:19:17,714 --> 00:19:20,587
who killed 17 people including
her husband Bartholomew."
559
00:19:20,587 --> 00:19:23,192
- Whoa.
- So, she wasn't just a wife.
560
00:19:23,292 --> 00:19:24,962
Good for you.
561
00:19:25,062 --> 00:19:26,331
[Beef]
My gallbladder, huh?
562
00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:29,170
Yep. You got some pretty
sizable stones in there.
563
00:19:29,304 --> 00:19:30,472
Hell yeah he does.
564
00:19:30,472 --> 00:19:32,644
Dad's 'blad
makes some sick stones.
565
00:19:32,644 --> 00:19:34,648
The pain can come and go
with eating,
566
00:19:34,648 --> 00:19:37,588
but we'll remove it today
and you're as free as a bird.
567
00:19:37,588 --> 00:19:39,758
I have my Lil Preppers
surgery badge, Doc.
568
00:19:39,758 --> 00:19:41,094
I can scrub in if needed.
569
00:19:41,194 --> 00:19:42,798
Won't be necessary
for this one, Moon.
570
00:19:42,898 --> 00:19:45,003
But I do have a spinal surgery
on Thursday
571
00:19:45,103 --> 00:19:46,438
I wouldn't mind a consult on.
572
00:19:46,438 --> 00:19:49,477
Uh, I'll have to move some
things around, but I'm in.
573
00:19:49,578 --> 00:19:51,849
Dad, we're real proud of you
for finally asking for help
574
00:19:51,849 --> 00:19:54,120
from a doctor
who isn't a pipe on a hill.
575
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:55,891
And, uh, maybe you could,
uh, do it again--
576
00:19:55,991 --> 00:19:58,128
the seeing a doctor thing--
'cause of how we want you
577
00:19:58,228 --> 00:19:59,364
to be alive?
578
00:19:59,498 --> 00:20:02,269
- Sorry to be pushy.
- No, Ham, you're right.
579
00:20:02,369 --> 00:20:05,410
I promise, from now on,
I'll get an annual physical,
580
00:20:05,511 --> 00:20:07,714
every five to six years or so.
581
00:20:07,814 --> 00:20:08,950
[Wolf]
That's a start.
582
00:20:08,950 --> 00:20:10,988
Vaya con dad-os, gallbladder.
583
00:20:11,088 --> 00:20:13,960
You're gonna be all right.
584
00:20:14,962 --> 00:20:16,031
[Honeybee]
What the hell?
585
00:20:16,131 --> 00:20:18,002
You all have gravestones
already?
586
00:20:18,135 --> 00:20:19,705
Yes, a few years ago,
I got a deal
587
00:20:19,705 --> 00:20:23,078
on some granite and, uh, well,
one thing led to another.
588
00:20:23,178 --> 00:20:26,385
Speaking of which... Honeybee,
a little bird named Judy told me
589
00:20:26,485 --> 00:20:28,923
that you were kind of worried
about ending up like old Wife,
590
00:20:28,923 --> 00:20:32,497
which inspired me to get you
this stone stunner.
591
00:20:32,497 --> 00:20:33,800
[Honeybee]
You picked a death year?
592
00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:35,970
You'll be 220 years old,
so it's cool.
593
00:20:36,070 --> 00:20:38,408
And it also has all kinds
of facts about you on it,
594
00:20:38,543 --> 00:20:41,381
like that you're a
Shrek-thusiast, an entrepreneur.
595
00:20:41,481 --> 00:20:43,553
Plus, lots of space to add
anything else as it comes along.
596
00:20:43,553 --> 00:20:46,391
Like if you suddenly get
super into Dave Matthews Band.
597
00:20:46,391 --> 00:20:48,129
Wolf, this is deeply unsettling.
598
00:20:48,229 --> 00:20:49,999
But also kind of touching,
I guess.
599
00:20:49,999 --> 00:20:51,802
All right, enough grave-gazing.
600
00:20:51,802 --> 00:20:54,541
Let's head in for dinner.
Now that my G-blad is out,
601
00:20:54,541 --> 00:20:56,178
fatty foods are my friend again,
602
00:20:56,278 --> 00:20:58,516
and I made my famous
five-butters casserole.
603
00:20:58,516 --> 00:21:00,587
Dibs on a corner piece.
604
00:21:00,687 --> 00:21:02,992
[Dirt] ♪ Hey, there, lady,
sitting and pouting ♪
605
00:21:02,992 --> 00:21:05,196
♪ Hey, there, woman,
just a-sitting and a-doubting ♪
606
00:21:05,196 --> 00:21:07,233
♪ I think you're perfect
within and without and hey ♪
607
00:21:07,333 --> 00:21:09,137
♪ Get onto my log ♪
608
00:21:09,137 --> 00:21:13,179
♪ Oh, when we're on the log,
our worries cannot find us ♪
609
00:21:13,179 --> 00:21:17,520
♪ A stump beneath our feet,
the past so far behind us ♪
610
00:21:17,621 --> 00:21:20,026
♪ Spinning down the river,
footloose and fancy-free ♪
611
00:21:20,026 --> 00:21:22,163
♪ Am I the log or is she me? ♪
612
00:21:22,163 --> 00:21:23,833
♪ Birch or elm,
maple or sycamore ♪
613
00:21:23,933 --> 00:21:26,538
♪ I like to hop on with a gal
or two or four ♪
614
00:21:26,538 --> 00:21:28,543
♪ Let's take our log to Paris
or the Jersey Shore ♪
615
00:21:28,543 --> 00:21:30,981
♪ Hey, get onto my log. ♪
616
00:21:30,981 --> 00:21:32,785
[boat horn blows]
617
00:21:32,785 --> 00:21:34,989
Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
618
00:21:34,989 --> 00:21:36,491
and TOYOTA.