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- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪
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♪ Nature and stuff ♪
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- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪
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♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
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♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪
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♪ Catch some fish ♪
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♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪
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♪ Wow ♪
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♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
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♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪
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♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
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♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪
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♪ In the Great North. ♪
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Ham, I love that you made
my pancake into a little face,
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but I regret to inform you
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that now I simply
cannot eat Gerard.
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Gonna have a tough life
in Alaska
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if you can't bring yourself
to eat a friend, doll.
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Hmm. Okay, how about a piece
of my practice flan instead?
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Dad ate most of them yesterday,
but there's a few left.
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Figures. For centuries,
men have been eating
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more than their fair share
of the flan.
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Preach. Pigs.
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My brother's
gonna be a celebrity
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for making the flan for a real,
professional restaurant.
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You must feel like
the non-famous Hemsworth
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- right about now, huh?
- Yep.
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Invisible but proud.
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Which menu will your flan be on?
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Regular, kids or seniors?
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All three, baby.
Ooh-la-la.
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Holy hot dogs, Ham.
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Hey, where's Dad?
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He usually only takes a
three-and-a-half-minute shower,
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but he's been in there
14 minutes now.
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Hmm. I mean, he's probably
just way in the zone.
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Getting all those papa nooks
and dad crannies.
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Wolf, how many times
do I have to ask you
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not to say "dad crannies"?
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Many more, probably.
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Gah!
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Was that Dad?
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Dad, you okay in there?
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Perfect.
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Oh. Uh...
Whoops.
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Closing the door.
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Uh, but, Dad...
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sounds like you're in pain?
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I am fine, son.
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Just having a little pain
in my midsection.
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And chest. And back.
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- Chest?
- And back.
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Probably just pulled
some muscles.
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You want me to, uh...
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come in and get your towel
for you?
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No, thank you, son.
I shall use nature's towel--
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standing here.
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Hey, Dad.
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- You doing okay?
- Do not worry, Ham.
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Just pulled a few muscles
in the shower.
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Makes perfect sense, but may
I also suggest you see a doctor?
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Nonsense. I'll go see
the magical glacial water pipe
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in Death Cliff today
and drink its healing waters.
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Mother Pipe? Dad,
that's a very cool legend,
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but maybe we see a real doctor
instead of a leaky metal tube.
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No, thank you.
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Now, if you'll excuse me,
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I better get ready
for my journey.
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Mmm, that's good.
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Oop.
Dad butt!
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Good thinking, towel.
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I am perfectly dry.
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Huh. So the crooked butt crack
runs in the family.
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- Oh, yeah.
- Uh-huh.
- My poops come out in a curlicue
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like soft-serve ice cream.
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Well, it was great
to see you, veronica.
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We can't let two years
go by again.
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I was relieved
when you reached out to me.
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Funny story--
I thought you were dead.
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- Really?
- Uh, yeah.
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Everyone in Fresno said
you followed some guy
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into the wilderness.
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I've seen Dateline, Honeybee.
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I know how those stories end.
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Uh, I didn't just follow a guy.
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I fell in love.
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Is someone
making you say that right now?
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Blink three times if yes.
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- I just got married
and moved away.
- Okay,
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it's just... If anything,
a guy should be following you.
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Oh, crap, I got to go.
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My neighbor's kid is looking
through my window again.
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Get out of here, Hans!
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Bye, Honeybee.
Don't lose yourself up there.
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Whatever, Veronica.
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I didn't follow a guy.
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I'm a leader.
In fact, I'm gonna lead myself
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on a walk around the property.
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And because I want to,
not because it's one
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of the only things you can do
around this place.
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Okay.
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Oh...
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There she is, Mother Pipe.
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Alaska's doctor.
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Sweet mountain nectar.
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Ah.
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Thank you, dear Mother.
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I have suckled
and been made whole.
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Better go have one more sip
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to heal these fresh wounds.
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I mean, who does
Veronica think she is?
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So what if I moved up here
for a guy?
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What, I should have
stayed in Fresno,
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working at the curtain store?
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My dad playing Steely Dan
all day?
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Ooh. What in the...
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"Wife"?
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That's all they put
on this lady's grave?
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No name?
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Well, maybe there's something
on the back.
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Mm, nope.
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You poor girl.
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You got to be more
than just "Wife."
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I got to get
to the bottom of this.
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All right, Wife,
you wait right here, which...
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you have to, 'cause you're dead.
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Uh, I-I'll be right back.
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Thanks for taking me
by the grocery store.
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I still can't believe you
can buy a fully cooked chicken
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every single day.
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Mmm. Good.
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And they did not skimp
on the bones.
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Oh, hey, kids.
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Your dad went to suck
on that drainage pipe
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or whatever it is,
so he sent us to get you.
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So, guys, have you seen
this grave out in the woods
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- that's just labeled "Wife"?
- Yep.
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I have that grave marked
on my cemetery map of Lone Moose
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for when the zombie apocalypse
starts.
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Hell if Wife is gonna
eat my brain.
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00:04:55,692 --> 00:04:57,094
Well, she's eating my brain
already,
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'cause she's
all I can think about.
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That poor woman
is just lying out there
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in a hole marked "Wife."
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Not even a name.
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I've seen that grave,
like, a million times
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00:05:04,843 --> 00:05:06,980
and just kind of shrugged it off
as vintage sexism,
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00:05:06,980 --> 00:05:09,586
but, yeah, no one deserves
to just be thrown in a hole
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00:05:09,586 --> 00:05:11,456
and labeled with the W-word.
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00:05:11,557 --> 00:05:13,827
Unless the W-word is "Wassup."
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00:05:13,827 --> 00:05:15,865
Can you even imagine that
on a grave?
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00:05:15,865 --> 00:05:17,636
I think I'm gonna
do a little research
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00:05:17,736 --> 00:05:19,105
and find out who this woman was.
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Maybe I can share her
accomplishments with the world.
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- Oh, I'm in.
- Let's dig up her secrets.
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And maybe her jewelry.
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Ow.
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00:05:28,423 --> 00:05:29,225
Hey, Dad.
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00:05:29,325 --> 00:05:31,496
That's a pretty fun noise
you're making.
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Mm, you aren't by any chance
still in pain, are you, Father?
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Mm, nope.
I suckled the pipe,
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and her nectars are at this
very moment coating my insides
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in a thick layer of health.
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Good, 'cause my flan reveal
is at lunch tomorrow,
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and I need you
at full eating strength.
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Oh, hey.
Slippity Dips is starting.
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00:05:49,566 --> 00:05:51,001
In our first slippity clip,
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a mailman named Floyd makes a...
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00:05:53,273 --> 00:05:55,077
Floyd-ian slip.
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00:05:57,147 --> 00:06:00,253
- Oh... uh, Dad?
- Dad, we really should get you
to the doctor.
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00:06:00,353 --> 00:06:01,455
Like, now.
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00:06:01,455 --> 00:06:02,558
Nonsense.
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00:06:02,558 --> 00:06:03,594
In this next slip,
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00:06:03,694 --> 00:06:05,798
a child falls in a ravine.
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00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:07,001
In a funny way.
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00:06:07,001 --> 00:06:08,504
Ow!
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Guys, I'm hella worried
about Dad.
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I googled his symptoms,
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and it could be anything
from muscle spasm
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00:06:17,755 --> 00:06:20,795
to a heart attack to something
called "haunted pancreas."
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00:06:20,795 --> 00:06:22,599
I'm worried, too,
but it's impossible
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00:06:22,599 --> 00:06:24,167
to get that man to a doctor.
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00:06:24,167 --> 00:06:26,439
Remember when one of his feet
faced the wrong way
184
00:06:26,439 --> 00:06:27,441
for, like, a year?
185
00:06:27,441 --> 00:06:28,910
Of course.
I had to tie the boot
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00:06:28,910 --> 00:06:30,748
on the backwards one
every morning.
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But this isn't gonna
be like that,
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because I have a plan.
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It's not just giving him
compliments, is it?
190
00:06:36,292 --> 00:06:38,063
Yeah, there'll be
a little of that, sure.
191
00:06:38,063 --> 00:06:39,332
But here's what we do:
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00:06:39,432 --> 00:06:41,904
we give him
the doctor exam sneaky-style,
193
00:06:42,004 --> 00:06:42,905
right here at home.
194
00:06:42,905 --> 00:06:44,910
Fun.
Dibs on nodding reassuringly
195
00:06:44,910 --> 00:06:46,580
while listening
through a stethoscope.
196
00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:49,619
Okay, Operation HPV is a go--
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00:06:49,719 --> 00:06:52,057
Heal Papa Victoriously.
198
00:06:52,157 --> 00:06:54,028
Love the plan, hate the name.
199
00:06:54,128 --> 00:06:55,330
All right, hands in.
200
00:06:55,430 --> 00:06:56,700
H-P...
201
00:06:56,700 --> 00:06:58,436
Oh, it's just gonna be me?
202
00:06:58,436 --> 00:06:59,806
Fine. V!
203
00:07:03,179 --> 00:07:05,952
Okay, here he comes.
Time to get into our dad's body.
204
00:07:05,952 --> 00:07:07,755
Oh, my God.
It's like you've never heard
205
00:07:07,855 --> 00:07:09,158
a word you've said.
206
00:07:09,158 --> 00:07:11,495
Mm, mm, mm-hmm.
207
00:07:11,597 --> 00:07:12,866
Mm.
208
00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:14,503
Oh. Hello, Father.
209
00:07:14,603 --> 00:07:15,972
How was work this morning?
210
00:07:16,072 --> 00:07:17,074
Good haul?
211
00:07:17,074 --> 00:07:19,011
- Kill a lot of fish?
- Mm-hmm.
212
00:07:19,011 --> 00:07:20,213
Cool, cool.
213
00:07:20,314 --> 00:07:22,619
And, uh, brisk wind
out on the sea?
214
00:07:22,719 --> 00:07:24,455
Any difficulty breathing?
215
00:07:24,455 --> 00:07:25,490
The breathing was...
216
00:07:25,625 --> 00:07:27,328
great.
217
00:07:27,328 --> 00:07:28,396
Oh, Dad, uh,
218
00:07:28,396 --> 00:07:30,066
just, uh, wondering,
219
00:07:30,066 --> 00:07:31,335
when you hauled the fish in,
220
00:07:31,469 --> 00:07:33,541
which of these faces
did you feel like?
221
00:07:33,641 --> 00:07:35,878
None. Those guys
are all hotter than me.
222
00:07:35,878 --> 00:07:36,947
Uh, okay...
223
00:07:37,815 --> 00:07:39,686
Guys, I've got a big problem.
224
00:07:39,686 --> 00:07:41,389
I have a project
for science class,
225
00:07:41,389 --> 00:07:43,694
and the topic
is older men's urine.
226
00:07:43,694 --> 00:07:45,363
I remember that unit.
227
00:07:45,363 --> 00:07:48,069
But I forgot to collect
an older man's pee.
228
00:07:48,169 --> 00:07:49,271
Damn it.
229
00:07:49,371 --> 00:07:50,908
Guess I'll just fail.
230
00:07:50,908 --> 00:07:51,944
That sucks.
231
00:07:52,044 --> 00:07:53,312
Unless...
232
00:07:53,413 --> 00:07:56,586
Dad, could you pee in this cup
and then write your name on it?
233
00:07:56,586 --> 00:07:59,024
And then seal it?
And then write today's date?
234
00:07:59,124 --> 00:08:00,260
And then give it back to me?
235
00:08:00,260 --> 00:08:01,797
I'll surely get an A.
236
00:08:01,897 --> 00:08:04,502
Yeah, with Dad's pee
in your pocket, you can't lose.
237
00:08:04,636 --> 00:08:07,474
Gentlemen, I was not
birthed yesterday.
238
00:08:07,575 --> 00:08:09,912
I see that you three
are trying to give me
239
00:08:10,013 --> 00:08:12,819
some kind
of at-home doctor's exam.
240
00:08:12,819 --> 00:08:16,192
Geez, Dad, all we asked for
was a little bit of pee
241
00:08:16,192 --> 00:08:18,163
and suddenly we lose all trust?
242
00:08:18,263 --> 00:08:19,431
Son, cut it out.
243
00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:21,368
My body is private,
even to myself.
244
00:08:21,468 --> 00:08:24,742
That's why there's a curtain
around it called "my skin."
245
00:08:24,742 --> 00:08:27,114
- But, Dad, you really should--
- Put your "but, Dad"
246
00:08:27,248 --> 00:08:28,350
in your butt, son.
247
00:08:28,350 --> 00:08:30,119
Can no one hear themselves?
248
00:08:30,219 --> 00:08:32,424
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to head back
249
00:08:32,424 --> 00:08:34,295
to Mother Pipe for another sip.
250
00:08:34,295 --> 00:08:37,635
But, Dad, my flan debuts at
the restaurant today at lunch.
251
00:08:37,635 --> 00:08:39,138
You promised to go.
252
00:08:39,138 --> 00:08:40,775
I'll meet you there at noo...
253
00:08:43,914 --> 00:08:44,615
...oon.
254
00:08:46,987 --> 00:08:49,826
Should we just take his pee
by force?
255
00:08:49,826 --> 00:08:51,963
Damn it.
If we can't get Dad to a doctor,
256
00:08:51,963 --> 00:08:53,834
maybe we can
get a doctor to Dad.
257
00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:57,776
Yep. One way or another, we have
got to push those D's together.
258
00:08:57,776 --> 00:08:59,579
Okay, now I'm doing it.
259
00:08:59,579 --> 00:09:01,917
All right,
we know that Wife's grave
260
00:09:02,017 --> 00:09:03,252
is from 1888.
261
00:09:03,252 --> 00:09:05,591
And it says here that some
very unprepared British settlers
262
00:09:05,591 --> 00:09:07,662
came here to join
some other European idiots
263
00:09:07,662 --> 00:09:08,798
around that time.
264
00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:10,400
Yeah, dumb white people
265
00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:12,304
was definitely
the early Lone Moose vibe.
266
00:09:12,304 --> 00:09:15,110
Ugh, but she could be any
of these smoking '80s babes.
267
00:09:15,110 --> 00:09:17,013
How do I match a face
with a grave?
268
00:09:17,013 --> 00:09:18,584
Well, maybe we should
just give up
269
00:09:18,684 --> 00:09:21,389
and go over to Ham's
big flan menu reveal?
270
00:09:21,489 --> 00:09:24,763
I mean, maybe one of these gals
wasn't as dumb as the others.
271
00:09:24,763 --> 00:09:27,902
Maybe she was actually
a big-city girl from London
272
00:09:28,002 --> 00:09:29,772
and her name
was something like...
273
00:09:29,872 --> 00:09:31,242
Persephogenia Lumpnobble.
274
00:09:31,375 --> 00:09:33,681
And she was an associate
professor of squalor studies
275
00:09:33,681 --> 00:09:35,049
who'd come to do research.
276
00:09:35,049 --> 00:09:36,085
Now, back then,
277
00:09:36,085 --> 00:09:37,688
most of the dumb
European settlers
278
00:09:37,688 --> 00:09:40,393
lived in holes
in a big old mud and poop lake.
279
00:09:40,493 --> 00:09:42,532
Mm, such wonderful squalor.
280
00:09:42,632 --> 00:09:45,771
It's wall-to-wall squall
around here.
281
00:09:45,872 --> 00:09:47,642
They weren't used to strangers
in Lone Moose,
282
00:09:47,742 --> 00:09:50,648
so this beauty stood out
like a ravishing thumb.
283
00:09:50,748 --> 00:09:52,852
And then a squalid
but handsome gentleman
284
00:09:52,852 --> 00:09:54,956
extended his dirty hand to her.
285
00:09:55,056 --> 00:09:56,659
Wa-wa-wee-wa.
286
00:09:56,759 --> 00:09:58,029
Pardon me, ma'am. I can tell
287
00:09:58,029 --> 00:09:59,498
by how little dirt you have
in your teeth
288
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,168
that you're not
from around here.
289
00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:03,740
Might I take you on a tour
of our nasty neighborhood?
290
00:10:03,740 --> 00:10:05,778
This is our pile
of dead animals.
291
00:10:05,878 --> 00:10:07,916
This is our pile of dead people.
292
00:10:07,916 --> 00:10:09,686
And this is our playground.
293
00:10:10,486 --> 00:10:13,660
I have an idea that could change
things for all of you.
294
00:10:13,761 --> 00:10:15,898
It's a reverse hole
above the ground,
295
00:10:15,898 --> 00:10:17,768
and we call it "a house."
296
00:10:17,768 --> 00:10:19,171
And maybe
297
00:10:19,271 --> 00:10:21,676
Persephogenia taught
all the dum-dums about houses
298
00:10:21,676 --> 00:10:23,581
and they stopped living
in holes.
299
00:10:23,681 --> 00:10:25,183
And she was about to return
to London
300
00:10:25,183 --> 00:10:27,187
when the townie
did something super romantic.
301
00:10:27,187 --> 00:10:29,759
Miss Clean Lady,
I want you to have this.
302
00:10:29,759 --> 00:10:32,665
It's a hideous corn husk doll
I made for you.
303
00:10:32,765 --> 00:10:35,269
Ma'am, mightn't
we become betrothed in wedlock
304
00:10:35,269 --> 00:10:38,042
and grow to the ripe old age
of 35 together?
305
00:10:38,042 --> 00:10:39,277
And she said yes.
306
00:10:39,377 --> 00:10:40,648
And then one day they went
307
00:10:40,748 --> 00:10:42,851
to a beaver corpse
baseball game, and...
308
00:10:42,952 --> 00:10:45,023
- Aah!
- ...she died.
309
00:10:45,023 --> 00:10:47,094
And because the nasty Townie
never learned her name,
310
00:10:47,094 --> 00:10:48,864
he paid a local child in tobacco
311
00:10:48,964 --> 00:10:50,868
to just chisel "Wife"
on her headstone.
312
00:10:50,968 --> 00:10:52,872
And then, I guess,
everyone forgot about her
313
00:10:52,972 --> 00:10:55,443
and her contributions,
including her friend Veronica.
314
00:10:55,578 --> 00:10:56,847
Oof. Poor
315
00:10:56,947 --> 00:10:58,282
Persephogenia Lumpnobble.
316
00:10:58,382 --> 00:11:00,353
And poor us, 'cause we still
don't have any answers.
317
00:11:00,353 --> 00:11:03,459
But I'm thinking maybe we should
check the old census records
318
00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:04,796
at the historical society.
319
00:11:04,796 --> 00:11:07,835
Oh, wow, I'm excited.
You guys excited?
320
00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:09,338
I'm just kidding.
Let's go.
321
00:11:09,338 --> 00:11:11,475
Thanks for wearing
the disguise, Dr. Callahan.
322
00:11:11,475 --> 00:11:14,281
It'll help us get you close
enough to Dad to examine him.
323
00:11:14,381 --> 00:11:16,786
Sure. I mean, I mostly do
this kind of thing for kids
324
00:11:16,786 --> 00:11:18,256
who are scared of the doctor.
325
00:11:18,256 --> 00:11:21,563
And also, pirate meetups,
and once in my private life,
326
00:11:21,563 --> 00:11:22,999
- but I'm happy to help.
- Great.
327
00:11:22,999 --> 00:11:24,636
We really don't want
our dad to die.
328
00:11:24,636 --> 00:11:26,939
I'm not ready to be
the Tobin patriarch yet.
329
00:11:26,939 --> 00:11:28,644
I don't even know
when trash day is.
330
00:11:28,644 --> 00:11:31,148
So, here's the plan:
approach the table,
331
00:11:31,248 --> 00:11:32,785
claim to be
a fellow sea captain--
332
00:11:32,885 --> 00:11:35,256
which Dad'll love 'cause
he's a real captain hound--
333
00:11:35,356 --> 00:11:37,862
then give him a long hug
and listen to his heart.
334
00:11:37,862 --> 00:11:40,968
Bada-bing, bada-boom,
you diagnose our dad.
335
00:11:41,770 --> 00:11:42,805
What the...
336
00:11:43,807 --> 00:11:45,745
Hello, boys.
337
00:11:45,745 --> 00:11:47,013
Guess who's all better.
338
00:11:47,113 --> 00:11:49,285
For real this time,
and I am not lying.
339
00:11:49,385 --> 00:11:52,525
Enter, and let us celebrate
your brother's flan.
340
00:11:52,525 --> 00:11:56,131
Our father sucked upon a pipe
and he hath been healed.
341
00:11:56,231 --> 00:11:57,868
Hallelujah.
342
00:12:01,743 --> 00:12:03,780
So, you really feel all better?
343
00:12:03,914 --> 00:12:05,984
Yep. Pardon me
for starting without you,
344
00:12:05,984 --> 00:12:08,523
but I haven't been able
to eat much the past few days.
345
00:12:08,623 --> 00:12:12,397
My fettuccine Alfredo levels
had gotten dangerously low.
346
00:12:12,497 --> 00:12:14,367
So, you have, like, no pain
347
00:12:14,367 --> 00:12:16,005
- at all?
- Nope.
348
00:12:16,105 --> 00:12:18,844
Hello there,
friends. I'm a ship's captain
349
00:12:18,844 --> 00:12:22,384
blowing through town
with me, uh, cargo.
350
00:12:22,518 --> 00:12:23,921
May I give you a hug?
351
00:12:24,021 --> 00:12:26,025
Hello, Dr. Callahan.
352
00:12:26,025 --> 00:12:28,664
Let me guess-- my boys
asked you to come down here
353
00:12:28,764 --> 00:12:30,767
and sneakily give me a checkup?
354
00:12:30,868 --> 00:12:32,539
Argh, you caught me.
355
00:12:32,639 --> 00:12:34,007
They're worried about you, Beef.
356
00:12:34,107 --> 00:12:35,410
Actually, Doc,
he feels all better.
357
00:12:35,410 --> 00:12:37,782
Okay, well, there are
some serious conditions
358
00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:39,084
that can come and go,
359
00:12:39,184 --> 00:12:40,453
- namely gall--
- Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.
360
00:12:40,453 --> 00:12:43,627
This is a restaurant,
not a medicine class.
361
00:12:43,627 --> 00:12:45,731
I'm here celebrate
my son's success
362
00:12:45,731 --> 00:12:48,035
in the Lone Moose
culinary scene.
363
00:12:48,035 --> 00:12:49,404
But the pain
in your back and chest--
364
00:12:49,404 --> 00:12:53,145
Uh-uh. Life is a mystery,
and no spoilers, please.
365
00:12:53,145 --> 00:12:54,849
- Beef, but it could be--
- No. You know what?
366
00:12:54,949 --> 00:12:57,053
If you won't leave me alone,
then I'll leave you alone.
367
00:12:57,153 --> 00:12:58,923
I'm gonna snow machine home.
368
00:12:58,923 --> 00:13:02,564
Come along, potato, I shall
be devouring you on the way.
369
00:13:02,664 --> 00:13:05,069
But Dad, my flan!
My big day.
370
00:13:05,069 --> 00:13:07,609
I love you, son.
Bring me home a piece.
371
00:13:07,609 --> 00:13:10,380
Stupid doctor doesn't
know what he's talking about.
372
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:12,283
Nothing wrong with me.
I've never felt better.
373
00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:14,722
Aah!
My heart!
374
00:13:14,722 --> 00:13:17,126
Aah! My potato!
375
00:13:17,126 --> 00:13:19,131
Aah!
376
00:13:19,131 --> 00:13:21,368
Can't move.
377
00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:24,007
I'm so sorry, potato.
378
00:13:24,107 --> 00:13:25,611
Huh, maybe
379
00:13:25,611 --> 00:13:26,980
this is something.
Says here
380
00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:29,217
there was a log-rolling
competition in 1888,
381
00:13:29,317 --> 00:13:30,988
but only men
were allowed to enter.
382
00:13:31,088 --> 00:13:32,424
That's something I'll never say.
383
00:13:32,424 --> 00:13:34,361
Still, you got to wonder,
what if there was one woman
384
00:13:34,361 --> 00:13:36,566
who did try to enter?
Let's say she married a man
385
00:13:36,666 --> 00:13:39,539
who worked at the mill.
And maybe this lady was gifted
386
00:13:39,539 --> 00:13:42,110
with log-rolling abilities.
See, this wife had been born
387
00:13:42,210 --> 00:13:44,314
on a log in the middle
of the Mighty Mississipp,
388
00:13:44,414 --> 00:13:45,551
and she could spin
389
00:13:45,651 --> 00:13:47,755
that wily wood like
she was hanging a drape.
390
00:13:47,755 --> 00:13:49,425
And she was so talented,
it caught on,
391
00:13:49,526 --> 00:13:51,863
and everybody in Lone Moose
wanted to learn
392
00:13:51,963 --> 00:13:53,567
and be just like her.
393
00:13:53,567 --> 00:13:56,471
It became so popular, they
decided to have a competition.
394
00:13:56,471 --> 00:13:58,376
But wouldn't you know it,
they made a rule that women
395
00:13:58,376 --> 00:14:00,213
couldn't compete,
even though this wife
396
00:14:00,213 --> 00:14:01,482
started the whole damn thing.
397
00:14:01,482 --> 00:14:02,585
So she taught her husband
398
00:14:02,585 --> 00:14:04,254
everything she knew, and he won.
399
00:14:04,254 --> 00:14:07,795
And then people started saying
he taught her to log-roll.
400
00:14:07,795 --> 00:14:09,331
And of course
he took credit for it,
401
00:14:09,331 --> 00:14:11,101
'cause taking credit
for stuff is fun.
402
00:14:11,101 --> 00:14:13,005
Wife decided to prove herself
by getting out there
403
00:14:13,005 --> 00:14:15,443
on the river, and she was
absolutely incredible.
404
00:14:15,577 --> 00:14:19,017
But then, a big wave
washed her out to sea.
405
00:14:19,017 --> 00:14:22,691
And she danced on that log
for months, waiting for help.
406
00:14:22,792 --> 00:14:24,461
And then, sadly,
she got run over
407
00:14:24,562 --> 00:14:26,766
- Aah!
- by the Titanic, and she died.
408
00:14:26,766 --> 00:14:28,804
Man, that Titanic
couldn't do anything right.
409
00:14:28,804 --> 00:14:31,141
And her husband
felt so bad about stealing
410
00:14:31,275 --> 00:14:32,578
her log-thunder,
he couldn't bear
411
00:14:32,578 --> 00:14:34,615
to even see her beautiful name,
so he put "Wife"
412
00:14:34,615 --> 00:14:38,389
on her grave
and then he exploded from grief.
413
00:14:39,024 --> 00:14:41,328
And with him
died the last memory of her,
414
00:14:41,428 --> 00:14:43,901
even though
she was an absolute boss.
415
00:14:44,034 --> 00:14:46,138
That's clearly what happened.
Let's go eat.
416
00:14:46,138 --> 00:14:49,945
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
and flan to my mouth.
417
00:14:50,046 --> 00:14:52,952
Dust. Sawdust.
The old Lone Moose Mill.
418
00:14:52,952 --> 00:14:54,956
We should go over there
and check the employee records.
419
00:14:54,956 --> 00:14:57,227
Oh, right.
Almost everyone and their child
420
00:14:57,327 --> 00:14:58,897
worked at the mill
back in the day.
421
00:14:58,897 --> 00:15:00,499
Not me.
I was foreman at the quarry
422
00:15:00,499 --> 00:15:01,970
all through middle school.
423
00:15:02,070 --> 00:15:04,508
Ten cents more an hour and all
the gravel you could eat.
424
00:15:07,748 --> 00:15:08,851
Missing...
425
00:15:08,951 --> 00:15:11,254
ooh, precious...
426
00:15:11,254 --> 00:15:13,259
m-moments.
427
00:15:13,259 --> 00:15:14,862
Dying.
428
00:15:14,862 --> 00:15:16,265
Ooh, ooh, my phone.
429
00:15:17,702 --> 00:15:19,805
Ooh. Must crawl.
430
00:15:22,377 --> 00:15:24,849
No, no. Decline. Damn it.
431
00:15:24,949 --> 00:15:26,519
- No.
- Hey, it's me, Londra.
432
00:15:26,619 --> 00:15:28,590
Okay, so Beef,
you're not gonna believe this.
433
00:15:28,590 --> 00:15:30,894
- Nuh...
- Dusty and I were in Anchorage
this morning,
434
00:15:30,995 --> 00:15:32,497
food shopping
for her birthday dinner,
435
00:15:32,497 --> 00:15:34,568
and the Anchorage Food Otter
has watermelons.
436
00:15:34,568 --> 00:15:37,106
Oh...
- No, that's not the crazy part.
437
00:15:37,106 --> 00:15:40,914
We cut the watermelon open,
and inside? A set of keys!
438
00:15:40,914 --> 00:15:42,985
Oh...
439
00:15:43,085 --> 00:15:44,923
- Londra...
- Oh, my God, Beef,
440
00:15:44,923 --> 00:15:47,427
Dusty found a Bratz doll
in there, too.
441
00:15:47,528 --> 00:15:48,897
I'd love to chat more,
442
00:15:48,997 --> 00:15:51,636
but I got a lot more people
to call. Bye!
443
00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:58,082
Uh-oh.
444
00:15:58,082 --> 00:16:01,021
Hello, anyone? Am I...
445
00:16:01,121 --> 00:16:02,524
Oh, it's you. Hey, Dennis.
446
00:16:02,624 --> 00:16:03,760
Oh, you remembered my name.
447
00:16:03,860 --> 00:16:05,430
Yes, it's me. Your heart.
448
00:16:05,430 --> 00:16:06,566
Wassup?
449
00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:08,504
Oh, God. If you're here,
you're gonna tell me
450
00:16:08,504 --> 00:16:10,040
something's wrong
with my heart, right?
451
00:16:10,140 --> 00:16:11,510
That's why I've been having
the chest pain?
452
00:16:11,610 --> 00:16:13,413
What? I'm offended.
I'm in incredible shape.
453
00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:16,351
I'm a heart and yet, somehow,
I have abs.
454
00:16:16,351 --> 00:16:17,889
- Wow.
- Yeah, your lifestyle
455
00:16:17,989 --> 00:16:19,892
of constant physical activity,
heavy meats
456
00:16:19,892 --> 00:16:22,063
and relentless stress
keeps me very strong.
457
00:16:22,163 --> 00:16:24,735
Good to know,
but what is wrong with me?
458
00:16:24,735 --> 00:16:26,973
I have been in a lot of pain.
459
00:16:26,973 --> 00:16:29,010
I can't diagnose you.
A doctor should do that.
460
00:16:29,010 --> 00:16:31,448
Which is why I'm here.
I want to know why on Earth
461
00:16:31,448 --> 00:16:33,920
you won't go see
a flipping' doctor, my man.
462
00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:35,591
I... I'm afraid.
463
00:16:35,591 --> 00:16:37,360
'Cause what if it's something
really bad
464
00:16:37,460 --> 00:16:40,166
and then I die
and leave the kids behind?
465
00:16:40,266 --> 00:16:41,903
Wait, what? We die?
466
00:16:42,003 --> 00:16:45,009
Yes, I'll die someday,
and you'll die with me.
467
00:16:45,009 --> 00:16:46,546
What the hell, man?
This ends?!
468
00:16:46,646 --> 00:16:48,683
The brain didn't say anything
about that to me.
469
00:16:48,683 --> 00:16:50,420
Sorry.
I-I assumed you knew.
470
00:16:50,420 --> 00:16:53,058
Uh, no, I did not know.
I'm just a heart, man.
471
00:16:53,058 --> 00:16:55,496
- I can't think on my own.
- Apologies again.
472
00:16:55,496 --> 00:16:57,200
But yeah, that's
what I'm afraid of.
473
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:59,471
That I'll see the doctor
and he'll say I'm about to die,
474
00:16:59,572 --> 00:17:01,007
and then I'll have to live
a little longer
475
00:17:01,007 --> 00:17:02,878
knowing I'm gonna
leave these amazing kids
476
00:17:02,878 --> 00:17:05,884
and all the weird things they do
that I love so much behind.
477
00:17:05,884 --> 00:17:09,792
Also, trees and rocks and
mountains and Andie MacDowell?
478
00:17:09,792 --> 00:17:12,898
God, there's so much good stuff
here, I don't want to leave.
479
00:17:12,898 --> 00:17:14,267
Well, then,
what are you doing, man?
480
00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:15,503
Go to a doctor now.
481
00:17:15,604 --> 00:17:17,507
- You're right, I should save us.
- Yes.
482
00:17:17,608 --> 00:17:19,077
If I don't do the thing
I'm afraid of
483
00:17:19,177 --> 00:17:21,649
then the thing I'm
really afraid of will happen.
484
00:17:21,649 --> 00:17:23,019
Yes, let's not die.
485
00:17:23,019 --> 00:17:24,589
We have so much
to look forward to.
486
00:17:24,689 --> 00:17:27,026
I have a date with a teacher
from Ohio on Thursday.
487
00:17:27,026 --> 00:17:28,730
- Wait, how?
- Well, I met her...
488
00:17:28,730 --> 00:17:32,103
Ugh, no time. Good God, Beef,
do something now.
489
00:17:32,103 --> 00:17:34,575
Okay, okay. I will.
490
00:17:36,780 --> 00:17:39,985
Boys!
Dr. Callahan!
491
00:17:40,085 --> 00:17:41,455
Is that Dad?
492
00:17:41,455 --> 00:17:43,493
I need help!
493
00:17:43,594 --> 00:17:47,868
Pull back my body curtain
and look inside.
494
00:17:49,204 --> 00:17:50,574
Hi.
495
00:17:50,574 --> 00:17:52,243
We were wondering if you
had employment records
496
00:17:52,343 --> 00:17:55,283
- from the 1880s.
- I'm sorry, the mill
has burned down
497
00:17:55,283 --> 00:17:56,920
and been rebuilt since then.
498
00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:59,357
- 47 times.
- Damn it!
499
00:18:00,159 --> 00:18:01,729
Well, Honeybee,
500
00:18:01,829 --> 00:18:03,132
you did all you could.
501
00:18:03,265 --> 00:18:05,671
Maybe it's just time
to let a sleeping corpse lie.
502
00:18:05,671 --> 00:18:07,306
No, we can't give up.
503
00:18:07,406 --> 00:18:09,377
Why is this bothering you
so much?
504
00:18:09,377 --> 00:18:10,848
I just...
I mean, what if this lady
505
00:18:10,948 --> 00:18:12,283
came all the way from Fresno?
506
00:18:12,383 --> 00:18:14,120
You know, 'cause she fell
in love with a guy she met
507
00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:16,826
in an 1800s Morse code chat room
or, uh, something,
508
00:18:16,826 --> 00:18:20,634
and it seemed like a good idea
but then she... she just died.
509
00:18:20,734 --> 00:18:22,404
And then everybody
forgot who she was.
510
00:18:22,404 --> 00:18:23,873
- The end.
- Okay, Honeybee, wait,
511
00:18:23,873 --> 00:18:26,879
you don't think you're like
this dead lady, do you?
512
00:18:26,979 --> 00:18:29,384
Maybe. Ugh.
My dumb friend Veronica
513
00:18:29,484 --> 00:18:32,825
said I gave up my life
and followed a guy to Alaska.
514
00:18:32,825 --> 00:18:34,762
Am I just a wife?
515
00:18:34,762 --> 00:18:35,997
Honeybee, come on.
516
00:18:35,997 --> 00:18:37,568
You're already a legend
in Lone Moose.
517
00:18:37,668 --> 00:18:39,572
You've been mayor,
you got attacked by an eagle,
518
00:18:39,572 --> 00:18:41,408
you got in a slap fight
with a drifter.
519
00:18:41,408 --> 00:18:44,414
If anything, Wolf should
be afraid he's gonna end up
520
00:18:44,414 --> 00:18:45,718
in a grave just marked
"Husband."
521
00:18:45,818 --> 00:18:48,155
And you should make sure
he does, as a goof.
522
00:18:48,255 --> 00:18:50,025
Poor Wife.
I guess the least we can do
523
00:18:50,025 --> 00:18:51,395
is lay some flowers
on her grave.
524
00:18:51,395 --> 00:18:53,499
And a pepperoni pizza.
525
00:18:53,499 --> 00:18:54,535
I mean, sure?
526
00:18:54,535 --> 00:18:56,539
Have you had
a pepperoni pizza before?
527
00:18:56,539 --> 00:19:00,179
They're amazing.
It's a beautiful gesture.
528
00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:03,820
There you go, Wife.
Enjoy your pizza.
529
00:19:03,921 --> 00:19:05,757
Wait, what's that?
530
00:19:05,757 --> 00:19:08,028
"Bartholomew Wife"?
531
00:19:08,028 --> 00:19:10,133
Hold up. "Wife" is a last name?
532
00:19:10,133 --> 00:19:13,038
"Manifred Wife,
pronounced, 'Wee-Fay,'
533
00:19:13,038 --> 00:19:15,142
"was also known
as Manifred the Maniac.
534
00:19:15,142 --> 00:19:17,714
"Manifred Wife
was a prolific murderer
535
00:19:17,714 --> 00:19:20,587
who killed 17 people including
her husband Bartholomew."
536
00:19:20,587 --> 00:19:23,192
- Whoa.
- So, she wasn't just a wife.
537
00:19:23,292 --> 00:19:24,962
Good for you.
538
00:19:25,062 --> 00:19:26,331
My gallbladder, huh?
539
00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:29,170
Yep. You got some pretty
sizable stones in there.
540
00:19:29,304 --> 00:19:30,472
Hell yeah he does.
541
00:19:30,472 --> 00:19:32,644
Dad's 'blad
makes some sick stones.
542
00:19:32,644 --> 00:19:34,648
The pain can come and go
with eating,
543
00:19:34,648 --> 00:19:37,588
but we'll remove it today
and you're as free as a bird.
544
00:19:37,588 --> 00:19:39,758
I have my Lil Preppers
surgery badge, Doc.
545
00:19:39,758 --> 00:19:41,094
I can scrub in if needed.
546
00:19:41,194 --> 00:19:42,798
Won't be necessary
for this one, Moon.
547
00:19:42,898 --> 00:19:45,003
But I do have a spinal surgery
on Thursday
548
00:19:45,103 --> 00:19:46,438
I wouldn't mind a consult on.
549
00:19:46,438 --> 00:19:49,477
Uh, I'll have to move some
things around, but I'm in.
550
00:19:49,578 --> 00:19:51,849
Dad, we're real proud of you
for finally asking for help
551
00:19:51,849 --> 00:19:54,120
from a doctor
who isn't a pipe on a hill.
552
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:55,891
And, uh, maybe you could,
uh, do it again--
553
00:19:55,991 --> 00:19:58,128
the seeing a doctor thing--
'cause of how we want you
554
00:19:58,228 --> 00:19:59,364
to be alive?
555
00:19:59,498 --> 00:20:02,269
- Sorry to be pushy.
- No, Ham, you're right.
556
00:20:02,369 --> 00:20:05,410
I promise, from now on,
I'll get an annual physical,
557
00:20:05,511 --> 00:20:07,714
every five to six years or so.
558
00:20:07,814 --> 00:20:08,950
That's a start.
559
00:20:08,950 --> 00:20:10,988
Vaya con dad-os, gallbladder.
560
00:20:11,088 --> 00:20:13,960
You're gonna be all right.
561
00:20:14,962 --> 00:20:16,031
What the hell?
562
00:20:16,131 --> 00:20:18,002
You all have gravestones
already?
563
00:20:18,135 --> 00:20:19,705
Yes, a few years ago,
I got a deal
564
00:20:19,705 --> 00:20:23,078
on some granite and, uh, well,
one thing led to another.
565
00:20:23,178 --> 00:20:26,385
Speaking of which... Honeybee,
a little bird named Judy told me
566
00:20:26,485 --> 00:20:28,923
that you were kind of worried
about ending up like old Wife,
567
00:20:28,923 --> 00:20:32,497
which inspired me to get you
this stone stunner.
568
00:20:32,497 --> 00:20:33,800
You picked a death year?
569
00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:35,970
You'll be 220 years old,
so it's cool.
570
00:20:36,070 --> 00:20:38,408
And it also has all kinds
of facts about you on it,
571
00:20:38,543 --> 00:20:41,381
like that you're a
Shrek-thusiast, an entrepreneur.
572
00:20:41,481 --> 00:20:43,553
Plus, lots of space to add
anything else as it comes along.
573
00:20:43,553 --> 00:20:46,391
Like if you suddenly get
super into Dave Matthews Band.
574
00:20:46,391 --> 00:20:48,129
Wolf, this is deeply unsettling.
575
00:20:48,229 --> 00:20:49,999
But also kind of touching,
I guess.
576
00:20:49,999 --> 00:20:51,802
All right, enough grave-gazing.
577
00:20:51,802 --> 00:20:54,541
Let's head in for dinner.
Now that my G-blad is out,
578
00:20:54,541 --> 00:20:56,178
fatty foods are my friend again,
579
00:20:56,278 --> 00:20:58,516
and I made my famous
five-butters casserole.
580
00:20:58,516 --> 00:21:00,587
Dibs on a corner piece.
581
00:21:00,687 --> 00:21:02,992
♪ Hey, there, lady,
sitting and pouting ♪
582
00:21:02,992 --> 00:21:05,196
♪ Hey, there, woman,
just a-sitting and a-doubting ♪
583
00:21:05,196 --> 00:21:07,233
♪ I think you're perfect
within and without and hey ♪
584
00:21:07,333 --> 00:21:09,137
♪ Get onto my log ♪
585
00:21:09,137 --> 00:21:13,179
♪ Oh, when we're on the log,
our worries cannot find us ♪
586
00:21:13,179 --> 00:21:17,520
♪ A stump beneath our feet,
the past so far behind us ♪
587
00:21:17,621 --> 00:21:20,026
♪ Spinning down the river,
footloose and fancy-free ♪
588
00:21:20,026 --> 00:21:22,163
♪ Am I the log or is she me? ♪
589
00:21:22,163 --> 00:21:23,833
♪ Birch or elm,
maple or sycamore ♪
590
00:21:23,933 --> 00:21:26,538
♪ I like to hop on with a gal
or two or four ♪
591
00:21:26,538 --> 00:21:28,543
♪ Let's take our log to Paris
or the Jersey Shore ♪
592
00:21:28,543 --> 00:21:30,981
♪ Hey, get onto my log. ♪
593
00:21:32,785 --> 00:21:34,989
Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
594
00:21:34,989 --> 00:21:36,491
and TOYOTA.