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《北方極樂園》
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{\an8}(無敵凱瑟琳號)
(鱒魚的榮譽)
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{\an8}(凸弟與野獸)
(《公證人遊戲》)
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{\an8}抓住他,大家,抓住他
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{\an8}穆恩,給我回來,別以為我不敢咬小孩
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{\an8}德特姑媽,朝每個跟著我的人開槍
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{\an8}包在我身上
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{\an8}該死,子彈用完了
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{\an8}(三天前)
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{\an8}- 可惡
- 好耶,接龍太好玩了
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{\an8}好耶,我贏了
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{\an8}贏了你,贏了你,也贏了你
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{\an8}被自己的老師在家裡這樣吼叫感覺好奇怪
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{\an8}我不是以妳老師的身分來這裡的
而是妳爸的朋友
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{\an8}來了
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{\an8}(哆嗦快遞)
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{\an8}(科廷厄姆奶油馬鈴薯)
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{\an8}48顆美味的科廷厄姆奶油馬鈴薯
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{\an8}- 棒透了
- 我現在就要吃
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{\an8}科廷厄姆奶油馬鈴薯是什麼東西呀?
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{\an8}傑瑞,那是節慶新奇巧克力界的凱迪拉克
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{\an8}帶有薄荷味的巧克力
裡面還有炸馬鈴薯碎塊
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{\an8}有趣喔
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{\an8}幾年前的聖派翠克節
有人送了一箱給我們
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{\an8}那時凱瑟琳在網路上出軌
跟某位愛爾蘭紳士
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{\an8}用美國線上即時通訊軟體幽會
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{\an8}幸運符69是個很棒的傢伙
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{\an8}儘管凱瑟琳的虛擬戀情結束了
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{\an8}我們全都深深愛上了這個好滋味
到現在還是
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{\an8}但這只有在愛爾蘭才買得到
所以我花了一年的時間在eBay上搜尋
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{\an8}而你只買了一箱來滿足我們所有的人?
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{\an8}請在明天早上
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{\an8}把你的辭職信
和父親徽章放在我桌上,比夫
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{\an8}為了避免暴動,在我們能夠公平分配
這些馬鈴薯之前,我要把它們藏好
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{\an8}戈洛夫金老師
你這週為什麼不用去學校?
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{\an8}是說,別搞錯我的意思, 我愛死了
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{\an8}你好大的膽子
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{\an8}我知道他為什麼沒去
有很多老師長頭蝨了
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{\an8}好噁喔
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{\an8}別擔心,我去了尼茨咯咯笑一趟
我的頭髮乾淨無比
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{\an8}你有意識到你現在正在抓你的頭嗎?
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{\an8}該死
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{\an8}喂
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對,親愛的,我...沒有,我們沒在聽
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對,對,好啦,再見
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比夫,打開氣象頻道
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這場風暴目前已增強到五級
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居民得立刻就地避難
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- 並且做好所有必要的防災措施
- 風暴?是那種被困在家的暴風雪嗎?
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戈洛夫金老師,可以送我一程嗎?
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我不能又被困在這個爛攤子裡
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這些人遇上暴風雪時,他們會瘋狂暴走
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我們?才沒有
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但也許有人該把所有尖銳物品藏起來
沒有為什麼
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來吧,戈老師,我們走吧
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不是吧
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穆恩,停電也才不過兩秒鐘而已
別咬我的腿
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好啦
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穆恩,別咬我美麗的屁股
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船長來了!
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不妙,是要演哪一齣?
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爸,可容許我率先給你一個讚嗎?
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謝謝你,兒子
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正如傑瑞稍早說的那樣,一旦遇到了
冰暴、暴風雪和停電這類的狀況時
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托賓一家的確是出了名的會變得有點...
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大腦會冒出超蠢的想法?
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兒子,說得真好
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但直到上一次,我們家當時有客人
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我才發現我們的行為有多丟人現眼
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所以,身為一家之主
我想出了一個萬無一失的計畫
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好的,有個計畫總是好事
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在風暴期間,我們要按照
全球規範得最有效率的
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海事機構所頒發的規章來著裝和行動
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也就是英國皇家海軍
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那就是你的計畫?
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俗話說得好
「我爸想出的計畫都天衣無縫」
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不會出現混亂的場面、不會有穆恩法庭
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什麼是穆恩法庭?
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是由一個孩子審判的法庭
但所有的成人都會認真看待
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異議成立
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也不會出現吃人或吃甜點...
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- 什麼?
- 什麼?我要叛變
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我也是,爸,那爛透了
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不允許有人叛變
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一天會提供健康的三餐
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爸,大家都知道
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你其實會是我們所有人當中
最瘋狂的那一個
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對呀,當你確信自己遇上了...
以下原句引用
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「跟《聖誕快樂又瘋狂》的提姆艾倫
同樣的狀況」
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還有當你逼我們連續36個小時不准睡覺
為了避開你所謂的...
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我原句引用,「風暴蛇」
我再原句引用,「牠以睡眠為食」
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對,過去遇上風暴的時候
我讓自己瘋狂暴走
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但我跟你們保證
這個計畫將有助於我保持理智
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托賓家族現在是英國皇家海軍的一艘艦艇
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呼號:陛下之艦完美家庭
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我是這艘船的船長,穆恩是這艘船的大副
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別試圖收買我
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茱蒂,妳是上尉,英國都這麼說
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漢姆,你是中尉
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哈尼碧和沃爾夫,你們同是少尉
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好耶,我是我爸的三把手
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親愛的,別這樣
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為了彌補上一次的失誤
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傑瑞應該扮演比較輕鬆的角色
也就是我最好的朋友和知己
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好吧
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葛拉夫金,既然你有頭蝨
你將擔任桶男孩
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什麼是桶男孩?
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桶裡的一位生病的男孩
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但因為我們沒有桶子
你只需要待在禁閉室裡就好了
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我們也該燒了他的衣服
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我沒意見,我整套服裝只值三美元
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太好了,傑瑞,我提供你這本簿子
和這支筆,讓你做紀錄
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我還可以跟你保證在風暴期間,我們不會
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出現異常行為
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我不相信你,而且我其實認為你已經瘋了
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好的,我等不及證明你錯了
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各位隊員,歡迎登上陛下之艦完美家庭號
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等我搖鈴之後就會啟航
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好耶,出海了
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今天的海面可真清新怡人
是不是啊,傑瑞?
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一切都很平靜,一如往常
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對啦,就跟平常沒兩樣
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你要你的孩子穿上俏皮的水手服
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假裝這棟房子是一艘船
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爸,我不想操之過急
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但到目前為止
這比慢慢陷入瘋狂狀態好多了
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看到了吧?我說過小小的規矩
會有大大的效果
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爸,老實說,我有點擔心你
但你也知道我喜歡做家事
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00:06:01,569 --> 00:06:04,739
而通常到了這個時候
我早就喝完了兩瓶楓糖漿
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而我和茱蒂會因為爭論誰才是
最佳黃金單金漢而大打出手
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- 是布萊德沃麥克
- 明明就是羅倫佐波格賽
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所以妳才會交不到男朋友
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00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:13,581
波格賽?應該是「波嘔賽」吧
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說到嘔吐
135
00:06:14,665 --> 00:06:18,920
我好想吃那48顆科廷厄姆奶油馬鈴薯
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00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:22,298
船長父親,我們該開往奶油馬鈴薯灣嗎?
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我們不需要糖分,穆恩大副
我們需要的是紀律
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00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:27,512
傑瑞,在船長日誌裡記下這件事
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登上陛下之艦完美家庭號的第一天
140
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我們才出海不到幾個小時
士氣便非常高昂
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00:06:33,476 --> 00:06:38,398
沒有任何打架滋事、壞血病
擰乳頭、人吃人或穆恩法庭的跡象
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00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:41,734
就連我們長滿頭蝨的桶男孩
也得到了很好的照顧
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我敢說我的計畫很完美
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{\an8}(第二天)
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第二天開始了
水手們開心享受了一頓豐盛的早餐
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早餐包含了原味燕麥片
和一杯爽口的常溫水
147
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:54,372
每個人都因此充滿了能量和活力
148
00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:56,707
用餐之後接著要運動
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午餐的水煮雞份量很足
150
00:06:59,877 --> 00:07:01,212
同樣地,船員也精神飽滿
151
00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:04,382
我知道這樣的規律行程
應該能夠讓我們的大腦保持理智
152
00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:07,385
但我開始覺得自己像是那種
在輪子上跑個不停的動物
153
00:07:07,385 --> 00:07:08,803
你知道嗎?像一隻...
154
00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:10,304
- 倉鼠?
- 是的,茱鼠
155
00:07:10,304 --> 00:07:12,014
不,我說的是...算了
156
00:07:12,014 --> 00:07:13,850
水手們,不好意思打擾了
157
00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:16,727
我得準備下午的娛興節目
158
00:07:16,727 --> 00:07:17,937
我同意漢姆的看法
159
00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:20,898
這些水煮食物和清潔工作
抑制不了我的躁動不安
160
00:07:20,898 --> 00:07:22,775
別擔心,我受困的凱薩琳
161
00:07:22,775 --> 00:07:25,486
一切全都在爸的控制之下
162
00:07:26,070 --> 00:07:27,071
我可不這麼認為
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00:07:27,071 --> 00:07:28,823
你好大的膽子
164
00:07:28,823 --> 00:07:32,326
各位,這實在再明顯也不過
你爸正漸漸陷入瘋狂
165
00:07:32,326 --> 00:07:33,453
你說的是我們的老爸?
166
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:36,789
不,他絕對不會陷入瘋狂
167
00:07:36,789 --> 00:07:40,001
你從來沒看過《叛艦喋血記》
或《浩劫重生》嗎?
168
00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:42,670
你爸就快要和排球舌吻了
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- 海事講座開始囉
- 不妙
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00:07:45,882 --> 00:07:49,010
各位水手,歡迎蒞臨船長系列講座
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00:07:49,010 --> 00:07:52,555
擦拭要正確,首先需要準備一桶熱肥皂水
172
00:07:52,555 --> 00:07:53,639
(溫和地擦拭)
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你們要把拖把丟進水桶裡
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讓拖把吸滿熱肥皂水
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然後再用這樣的來回動作擦拭
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拿出你的方位羅盤
將拖把的路線設為正北、東北、西北
177
00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:09,030
這是純柚木,所以你要用聖石打磨
178
00:08:09,030 --> 00:08:11,741
他講解擦拭方式講了好幾個小時了
179
00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:14,327
他只是在重複同樣的內容
這是怎麼回事?
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上尉,有什麼話要說嗎?
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就只是...
182
00:08:18,039 --> 00:08:20,791
你說了好多有關擦拭的資訊
我想我們聽懂了
183
00:08:20,791 --> 00:08:23,920
那麼,我們就照章行事囉
184
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:28,299
實際上,今天的晚餐將延後開飯
這樣我們就可以擦拭牆面
185
00:08:28,299 --> 00:08:31,969
流理台、髒話罰錢罐裡的每個錢幣和椽子
186
00:08:31,969 --> 00:08:33,054
天啊
187
00:08:33,054 --> 00:08:35,473
(擦拭了好幾個小時之後)
188
00:08:35,473 --> 00:08:37,433
各位,我想葛拉夫金說得對
189
00:08:37,433 --> 00:08:40,436
也許你們的爸爸開始有點...你知道的
190
00:08:40,436 --> 00:08:41,687
失去理智了?
191
00:08:41,687 --> 00:08:45,441
我肯定他把一隻鸚鵡玩偶放在肩上
跟它說話
192
00:08:45,441 --> 00:08:47,527
還時不時地親吻它,一定有充分的理由
193
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:48,694
你說什麼,大流士?
194
00:08:49,654 --> 00:08:51,197
這個好笑,你這隻鳥厲害喔
195
00:08:51,906 --> 00:08:55,117
你們看,如果爸的腦袋開始走樣了
196
00:08:55,117 --> 00:08:56,953
也許對我們有利喔
197
00:08:57,954 --> 00:09:01,165
父親,我代表全體船員,謙卑地請求
198
00:09:01,165 --> 00:09:04,502
每個人在晚餐時可以獲得一份小點心
199
00:09:04,502 --> 00:09:06,921
也許是一顆科廷厄姆奶油馬鈴薯
200
00:09:06,921 --> 00:09:09,757
船長的歷史學家、最好的朋友和知己
201
00:09:09,757 --> 00:09:11,676
是的,我該去拿馬鈴薯嗎?
202
00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:13,719
不行,你要做紀錄和寫信
203
00:09:13,719 --> 00:09:16,681
親愛的穆恩大副,請求遭拒
204
00:09:16,681 --> 00:09:17,848
你這個渾球
205
00:09:17,848 --> 00:09:21,185
別這樣啦,爸
我們已經被困在屋裡51個小時了
206
00:09:21,185 --> 00:09:24,522
對呀,而我們要的只不過是一點點好吃的
207
00:09:24,522 --> 00:09:26,566
讓我們挺過停電期間
208
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:29,694
還有挺過停話期間
而且不用再做任何工作或聽課了
209
00:09:29,694 --> 00:09:33,823
門都沒有,這是我的船
而我們的行程不會改變
210
00:09:33,823 --> 00:09:36,158
- 我早說過了吧!
- 安靜,桶男孩
211
00:09:36,158 --> 00:09:39,954
我注意到船底板周圍的木飾條髒了
212
00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:42,456
我們在睡前把它們全都清理乾淨吧
213
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:47,253
傑瑞,請去地下室拿一包牙刷上來
214
00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:49,088
{\an8}(第三天)
215
00:09:52,341 --> 00:09:53,342
怎麼了?發生了什麼事?
216
00:09:53,342 --> 00:09:56,178
《「搞」鬼奇航》,搞屁呀?
217
00:09:56,178 --> 00:09:58,180
爸,現在是凌晨四點
218
00:09:58,180 --> 00:09:59,724
該擦洗廚房了
219
00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:02,560
傑瑞,做紀錄
220
00:10:03,144 --> 00:10:09,317
第三天從黎明前就開始了,伴隨著
各界對我活力十足的領導能力的歡呼聲
221
00:10:10,484 --> 00:10:12,653
(在睡夢中擦拭:對!這是可能的)
222
00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:18,409
大家今天的表現讓我很滿意
所以,大流士,我的肩上同伴
223
00:10:18,409 --> 00:10:21,662
鼓勵我重新考慮我的甜點公告
224
00:10:21,662 --> 00:10:22,580
好耶
225
00:10:25,124 --> 00:10:29,253
黑巧克力?太噁心了吧,那基本上是蔬菜
226
00:10:29,253 --> 00:10:33,549
現在,如果各位沒什麼事的話
船長我得去辦一件私事
227
00:10:33,549 --> 00:10:37,136
還有,請注意,當我今天在和
聖誕老人的夫人講電話時
228
00:10:37,136 --> 00:10:41,349
她告訴我雪蛇回來了
而且牠們不喜歡笑容
229
00:10:41,349 --> 00:10:43,684
所以,請各位記得這件事
230
00:10:43,684 --> 00:10:44,935
好的,夠了
231
00:10:44,935 --> 00:10:47,438
那個人徹底瘋了
232
00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:49,398
鬧劇該結束了
233
00:10:49,398 --> 00:10:50,858
穆恩,你想幹嘛,兄弟?
234
00:10:50,858 --> 00:10:53,152
你不能殺了爸,我們討論過這件事
235
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,112
不,天啊,不是吧
236
00:10:56,155 --> 00:10:59,033
- 爸
- 你這個該死的船長
237
00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:01,827
你把48顆馬鈴薯糖果都吃掉了?
238
00:11:01,827 --> 00:11:03,913
不,事情不是你看起來的那樣
239
00:11:03,913 --> 00:11:06,290
- 我找到它們的時候,就已經這樣了
- 別演了,爸
240
00:11:06,290 --> 00:11:09,085
恐怕你被當場活逮了
241
00:11:09,085 --> 00:11:10,419
當你的船員餓得半死時
242
00:11:10,419 --> 00:11:13,130
你卻在大吃只能在另一個大陸
243
00:11:13,130 --> 00:11:16,300
或馬鈴薯暗網買到的科廷厄姆奶油馬鈴薯
244
00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:18,386
不是我吃掉的,我發誓
245
00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:20,846
我只是要下來拿更多的擦拭工具
246
00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:24,600
我心想你們吃完甜點之後
可以幫彼此和蛇擦背
247
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:27,103
而且,如果我說老實話
聖誕老人的夫人也需要擦拭一下
248
00:11:27,103 --> 00:11:31,190
船長,我們在此解除你的職務,即刻生效
249
00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:32,942
什麼?你們不能...
250
00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:34,819
我們可以
251
00:11:34,819 --> 00:11:37,697
你說馬鈴薯,我們說「馬鈴薯造反了」
252
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:41,117
你知道嗎?我可要提出告訴
253
00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:42,451
- 我也是
- 還有我
254
00:11:42,451 --> 00:11:46,831
你也許能夠阻止我們發瘋
但你沒辦法阻止我們發飆
255
00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:50,084
你說不會出現穆恩法庭
但你沒說不會出現穆恩軍事法庭
256
00:11:51,085 --> 00:11:52,586
你最好找律師,兄弟
257
00:11:52,586 --> 00:11:54,839
大流士,別再多說一個字
258
00:11:57,591 --> 00:11:58,843
{\an8}(穆恩法庭)
(比夫托賓的審判)
259
00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:00,177
{\an8}保持肅靜
260
00:12:00,177 --> 00:12:03,597
這次的特別軍事法庭現已開庭審理
261
00:12:03,597 --> 00:12:06,976
{\an8}我認得原告漢姆、茱蒂和沃爾夫托賓
262
00:12:06,976 --> 00:12:10,438
{\an8}他們是被告
比夫添特洛里托賓船長的受害者
263
00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:11,981
而他有罪
264
00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:14,525
{\an8}你不能在審判開始前就說我有罪
265
00:12:14,525 --> 00:12:17,528
異議駁回,誰要代表本案的原告?
266
00:12:17,528 --> 00:12:19,405
- 我願意,庭上
- 異議成立
267
00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:22,700
誰要代表這個噁心、糟糕透頂
268
00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:24,994
而且有罪的馬鈴薯豬?
269
00:12:24,994 --> 00:12:26,078
案件駁回
270
00:12:26,662 --> 00:12:27,872
沒有人嗎?好的
271
00:12:27,872 --> 00:12:30,249
那麼我直接宣判死刑
272
00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:32,585
快點,來人啊,拜託你,傑瑞
273
00:12:33,294 --> 00:12:34,295
好吧
274
00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:37,965
生病的法庭速記員桶男孩請宣讀控訴內容
275
00:12:37,965 --> 00:12:39,967
{\an8}「這邊這位比夫托賓船長被指控為
276
00:12:39,967 --> 00:12:42,887
{\an8}一隻惡劣的馬鈴薯豬,嚄嚄」
277
00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:44,472
- 異議成立
- 穆恩法官
278
00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:46,974
如果庭上允許的話,我有話要說
279
00:12:46,974 --> 00:12:48,350
說吧,桶男孩
280
00:12:48,350 --> 00:12:49,935
我覺得我有必要指出
281
00:12:49,935 --> 00:12:52,730
通常會被送上軍事法庭的是叛變者
282
00:12:52,730 --> 00:12:53,856
而不是船長
283
00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:55,399
是這樣嗎?
284
00:12:55,399 --> 00:12:57,943
好吧,如果你是這位船長的鐵粉
285
00:12:57,943 --> 00:13:00,613
你何不加入他一起成為被告?
286
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:01,864
等等,什麼?
287
00:13:01,864 --> 00:13:03,991
特此指控你自以為是
288
00:13:03,991 --> 00:13:05,951
- 和在我的學校擔任老師
- 異議成立
289
00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:08,662
請坐在我父親旁邊,坐同一張椅子
290
00:13:08,662 --> 00:13:09,955
但他有頭蝨
291
00:13:10,581 --> 00:13:11,582
是這樣嗎?
292
00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:15,795
那麼,針對此事的審判將永遠不會進行
293
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:17,213
但誰要當速記員?
294
00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:18,547
我來當
295
00:13:18,547 --> 00:13:19,632
一個偷渡客
296
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,467
德特姑媽,妳是從哪裡冒出來的?
297
00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:24,678
暴風雪開始之後我就來到了主屋
298
00:13:24,678 --> 00:13:26,597
但當我偷窺廚房
299
00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:29,809
見到大家穿得跟
山達基教派信徒一樣地在做家事時
300
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,936
我決定藏在避難室就好
301
00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:35,648
我有手槍、酒瓶、備用酒瓶
所以我該有的都有了
302
00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:37,691
但酒瓶空了,而且這看來挺有趣的
303
00:13:37,691 --> 00:13:39,276
- 所以我現在要加入
- 異議成立
304
00:13:39,276 --> 00:13:42,112
我認可德特姑媽為法庭速記員
305
00:13:42,112 --> 00:13:43,489
和陪審團成員
306
00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:46,242
請求同意我也是一個在公共場合
喝得酩酊大醉的大嘴巴?
307
00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:47,451
我同意
308
00:13:48,118 --> 00:13:49,620
好耶,庭上
309
00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:51,914
如果目前沒有進一步的請求
310
00:13:51,914 --> 00:13:55,543
比夫添特洛里托賓
被指控為一個糟糕的船長
311
00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:58,796
和惡劣的馬鈴薯小豬之審判就此開始
312
00:13:58,796 --> 00:14:00,089
{\an8}(原告的開場陳述)
313
00:14:00,089 --> 00:14:03,259
{\an8}哈尼碧律師,請開始妳的開場陳述
314
00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:05,177
{\an8}庭上、陪審團的這位女士
315
00:14:05,177 --> 00:14:08,055
- 我在
- 我首先想請問你們一個問題...
316
00:14:08,055 --> 00:14:10,349
我們說的「馬鈴薯豬」是什麼意思?
317
00:14:10,349 --> 00:14:13,018
韋氏字典對於
「骯髒的馬鈴薯豬」一詞的定義如下
318
00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:16,188
一個留著紅色鬍子而且沒有靈魂的人
319
00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:18,440
他利用冰暴來折磨
320
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,026
他自己的孩子、他們美麗的妻子
讓他們捱餓
321
00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:22,444
如上所述,有罪
322
00:14:22,444 --> 00:14:25,406
{\an8}還有這位美麗妻子她極度善良的弟弟傑瑞
323
00:14:25,406 --> 00:14:27,575
{\an8}他絕對不會傷害這世上任何一個人
324
00:14:27,575 --> 00:14:28,868
{\an8}- 還有他
- 幹嘛這樣
325
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,495
儘管我有時候因為好玩
會說 「我陳述完畢」
326
00:14:31,495 --> 00:14:33,289
以這個案子而言,我確實已陳述完畢
327
00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:36,083
因為在場的每個人,除了德特姑媽之外
328
00:14:36,083 --> 00:14:39,962
{\an8}都看到了這個馬玲薯小豬比夫托賓
四足跪地
329
00:14:39,962 --> 00:14:42,923
{\an8}用他那小豬吃相啃食那些馬鈴薯
330
00:14:42,923 --> 00:14:44,550
{\an8}吃得一乾二淨
331
00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:46,385
{\an8}- 抗議
- 基於什麼理由?
332
00:14:46,385 --> 00:14:47,761
不是我吃的
333
00:14:47,761 --> 00:14:49,763
在你吃之前,你就該想到這一點
334
00:14:49,763 --> 00:14:52,516
那麼,結論就是這隻小豬去到了地下室
335
00:14:52,516 --> 00:14:53,976
這隻小豬吃了巧克力
336
00:14:53,976 --> 00:14:56,979
而那些科廷厄姆奶油馬鈴薯
咕嚕咕嚕咕嚕地
337
00:14:56,979 --> 00:14:58,772
全都進到他的肚子裡了
338
00:14:58,772 --> 00:15:01,609
是怎樣啊?我陳述完畢
339
00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:04,737
庭上,我可以上前吻我的太太嗎?
340
00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:08,282
異議駁回,傑瑞
請做開場陳述和結案陳訴
341
00:15:08,282 --> 00:15:10,284
{\an8}(被告的開場和結案陳訴)
342
00:15:10,284 --> 00:15:12,745
我傳喚比夫托賓船長上開場陳述
343
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,204
和結案陳述席
344
00:15:14,204 --> 00:15:17,416
反對,他不能在開場陳訴時傳喚證人
345
00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:18,792
那是傳聞證據,庭上
346
00:15:18,792 --> 00:15:20,002
我同意
347
00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:22,254
爸,請上證人席
348
00:15:22,254 --> 00:15:26,008
好的,比夫,你其實是個人,對吧?
349
00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:27,760
- 沒錯
- 反對
350
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,595
我會在這裡做出判決
351
00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:30,679
異議成立
352
00:15:30,679 --> 00:15:32,932
你就跟其他人一樣喜歡巧克力
353
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:35,517
尤其是新奇的巧克力,對吧?
354
00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:39,104
眾人皆知我嗜巧克力如命,是的
355
00:15:39,104 --> 00:15:41,774
那麼,如同你承認的,身為一個人
356
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:43,859
待在海上三天了
357
00:15:43,859 --> 00:15:46,195
肩負著令人招架不住的重任
358
00:15:46,195 --> 00:15:47,446
{\an8}帶領一群不知感恩的船員
359
00:15:47,446 --> 00:15:48,906
{\an8}- 是不是這樣?
- 正是
360
00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:51,200
我只是想要讓我們全體保持理智
361
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,701
儘管耶誕老人咬了我
362
00:15:52,701 --> 00:15:55,412
而我跟提莫西艾倫一樣
正在慢慢地變成他
363
00:15:55,412 --> 00:15:56,997
大流士很擔心我
364
00:15:58,165 --> 00:15:59,416
那是當然的囉
365
00:15:59,416 --> 00:16:02,503
他要用精神錯亂抗辯,算他聰明
366
00:16:02,503 --> 00:16:04,213
在那種壓力之下
367
00:16:04,213 --> 00:16:07,091
你前往地下室拿擦拭工具
368
00:16:07,091 --> 00:16:10,260
但你接著看到了一個未開封的箱子
369
00:16:10,260 --> 00:16:13,347
裡面裝有四打科廷厄姆奶油馬鈴薯
370
00:16:13,347 --> 00:16:16,600
所以你心想:「我只吃一顆
應該沒什麼大不了的吧?」
371
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:17,893
但因為它們太好吃了
372
00:16:17,893 --> 00:16:21,105
完美比例的巧克力薄荷奶油夾心
373
00:16:21,105 --> 00:16:22,439
撫慰了扭曲的心靈
374
00:16:22,439 --> 00:16:24,274
所以你忍不住吃完一顆又一顆
375
00:16:24,274 --> 00:16:26,026
你並不想這麼做,不,你真的不想
376
00:16:26,026 --> 00:16:27,945
但你在風暴來襲之下
377
00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:31,198
力圖照顧這些不聽話的惡棍
因而神智失常
378
00:16:31,198 --> 00:16:33,951
惡棍們,請火大地低語
379
00:16:36,078 --> 00:16:38,122
你信任這群水手
380
00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:40,290
你愛他們,把他們視如己出
381
00:16:40,290 --> 00:16:42,292
然而,他們傷了你的心
對吧,托賓船長?
382
00:16:42,292 --> 00:16:43,544
- 對不對?
- 對
383
00:16:43,544 --> 00:16:45,045
搞得我想吐
384
00:16:45,045 --> 00:16:48,674
他們會擦拭甲板
但他們卻不懂得擦拭他們的心靈
385
00:16:48,674 --> 00:16:52,928
我的結語是你必須以精神錯亂為由
判比夫托賓無罪
386
00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:55,180
誰能夠怪罪這個被傷透心的男人
387
00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:57,516
他只不過是想在這個瘋狂的
冰雪世界裡尋求一些些
388
00:16:57,516 --> 00:16:59,226
用巧克力包裝的喜悅
389
00:16:59,226 --> 00:17:00,686
我知道我辦不到,我也不願意
390
00:17:02,187 --> 00:17:06,025
這就像是小精靈
刻在奶油馬鈴薯上的打油詩
391
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:09,486
內容為「根莖類蔬菜馬鈴薯
是所有快樂的泉源」
392
00:17:09,486 --> 00:17:11,113
我陳述完畢了
393
00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:13,866
{\an8}很抱歉,馬鈴薯爸爸
394
00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:15,909
{\an8}我們會盡力提供你所需要的幫助
395
00:17:15,909 --> 00:17:17,244
{\an8}該死的,傑瑞真厲害
396
00:17:17,244 --> 00:17:19,079
我們現在將量刑
397
00:17:19,079 --> 00:17:22,207
穆恩,等等,我有新的證據
我知道是誰吃了馬鈴薯
398
00:17:22,207 --> 00:17:23,959
是你,傑瑞
399
00:17:23,959 --> 00:17:25,836
不,別聽這個人胡說
400
00:17:25,836 --> 00:17:27,629
三天前,當馬鈴薯剛送達時
401
00:17:27,629 --> 00:17:29,965
傑瑞說他從來沒見過這種馬鈴薯
402
00:17:29,965 --> 00:17:32,593
他能夠得知
小精靈打油詩內容的方式只有一個
403
00:17:32,593 --> 00:17:34,595
那就是他本人把馬鈴薯吃掉了
404
00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:35,763
- 可惡
- 天啊
405
00:17:35,763 --> 00:17:36,930
保持肅靜
406
00:17:36,930 --> 00:17:39,975
幫我點一些爆米花,因為這實在太精采了
407
00:17:42,686 --> 00:17:43,854
{\an8}(軍事法庭審理傑瑞肖一案)
408
00:17:43,854 --> 00:17:45,314
{\an8}傑瑞肖被控偷吃
409
00:17:45,314 --> 00:17:49,443
科廷厄姆奶油馬鈴薯一案,現正開庭
410
00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:50,736
傑瑞,你如何抗辯?
411
00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:51,987
無罪
412
00:17:51,987 --> 00:17:55,991
我是傑瑞,如同我先前所說的
我沒做錯任何事
413
00:17:55,991 --> 00:17:57,659
說謊,你是殺人兇手
414
00:17:57,659 --> 00:17:59,369
茱蒂,別這樣,不值得
415
00:17:59,369 --> 00:18:01,080
我們不該用這種方式尋求正義
416
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,998
誰要代表肖先生?
417
00:18:02,998 --> 00:18:05,584
我願意接下這個案子
但如果庭上允許的話
418
00:18:05,584 --> 00:18:07,669
我會假扮成我最愛的律師
419
00:18:07,669 --> 00:18:10,798
1961年的電視節目
420
00:18:10,798 --> 00:18:13,050
《雪莉鄧恩:帶槍女律師》的女主角
421
00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:16,303
她經常拿槍揮舞,而且偶爾會射殺陪審員
422
00:18:16,303 --> 00:18:18,555
本庭同意,請繼續
423
00:18:18,555 --> 00:18:20,057
哈尼碧,請做開場陳述
424
00:18:20,808 --> 00:18:23,060
內容跟先前的一樣
但這次的對象是我弟弟
425
00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:25,229
非常好,女律師,換妳了
426
00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:27,773
被告答辯完畢
427
00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:29,441
喂,妳應該要為我辯護
428
00:18:29,441 --> 00:18:32,319
不,辦不到,兄弟
我看到了你在吃馬鈴薯
429
00:18:32,319 --> 00:18:34,196
本庭現在要驚呼
430
00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:39,076
昨晚當我走進地下室找香菸和黃色書刊時
431
00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:40,410
我在那時看到了...
432
00:18:40,410 --> 00:18:42,579
牙刷,牙刷
433
00:18:43,205 --> 00:18:46,125
{\an8}好耶,挖到寶了
434
00:18:48,669 --> 00:18:50,838
你們全都以為我是個好人
435
00:18:50,838 --> 00:18:55,384
完美的天使寶貝傑瑞
絕對不會偷吃香甜馬鈴薯
436
00:18:56,844 --> 00:18:58,512
所以我才能夠僥倖逃脫了這麼久
437
00:18:58,512 --> 00:18:59,930
也沒那麼久
438
00:18:59,930 --> 00:19:01,849
我會做出這種事都是因為他
439
00:19:01,849 --> 00:19:05,185
比夫,你答應要給我一個更好的
大雪受困在托賓家的體驗
440
00:19:05,185 --> 00:19:06,979
而這根本沒有更好
441
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:09,940
我只是在你慢慢陷入瘋狂
442
00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:13,861
漸漸失去理智時,坐在那裡幫你做紀錄
443
00:19:13,861 --> 00:19:16,905
對,馬鈴薯的確是進了我的嘴
444
00:19:16,905 --> 00:19:19,408
但比夫逼得我不得不這麼做
445
00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:21,869
這件事情應該由他負責
446
00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:24,913
我無罪,因為比夫是個無能的船長
447
00:19:24,913 --> 00:19:27,291
我的結語是讓比夫重新受審
448
00:19:27,291 --> 00:19:28,709
他有罪,結束
449
00:19:28,709 --> 00:19:30,544
- 我同意
- 什麼?
450
00:19:30,544 --> 00:19:32,087
{\an8}(比夫托賓被控為馬鈴薯豬一案重審)
451
00:19:32,087 --> 00:19:33,714
{\an8}哈尼碧,請做開場和結案陳述
452
00:19:33,714 --> 00:19:36,133
內容跟先前的一樣
但這次的對象又是比夫
453
00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:37,593
是怎樣啊?我陳述完畢
454
00:19:37,593 --> 00:19:40,262
有人想替我爸這頭馬鈴薯豬辯護嗎?
455
00:19:40,262 --> 00:19:42,389
- 我要擔任我自己的律師
- 請開始
456
00:19:42,389 --> 00:19:43,473
好的,我承認
457
00:19:43,473 --> 00:19:46,310
這可能是我有史以來最瘋癲的一次
458
00:19:46,310 --> 00:19:48,729
實際上,很可能從我穿著這身白色制服
459
00:19:48,729 --> 00:19:51,231
現身的那一刻起,我整個人就瘋了
460
00:19:51,231 --> 00:19:52,691
我就知道
461
00:19:52,691 --> 00:19:55,319
而我的確要判我自己死刑
462
00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:56,403
本庭同意
463
00:19:56,403 --> 00:19:59,823
但在我跳海之前
我必須老老實實地向各位招認一件事
464
00:19:59,823 --> 00:20:02,910
我在幾天前說了一個天大的謊言
465
00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:05,996
而我不能帶著這項罪孽入土
466
00:20:05,996 --> 00:20:09,499
地下室其實還有很多馬鈴薯
467
00:20:09,499 --> 00:20:11,460
我是為我自己囤積的,而我不能...
468
00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:14,213
休庭,德特姑媽,朝每個跟著我的人開槍
469
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:16,757
包在我身上,雪莉鄧恩上場
470
00:20:16,757 --> 00:20:19,718
- 穆恩,你敢吃那些馬鈴薯試試看
- 該死,子彈用完了
471
00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:21,220
抓住他,大家,抓住他
472
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:23,055
穆恩,給我回來
473
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:25,432
- 別以為我不敢咬小孩
- 那些馬鈴薯給我拿來
474
00:20:25,432 --> 00:20:27,726
電力恢復了
475
00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:29,228
我的頭蝨肯定還在
476
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:30,854
我相信我們全都長頭蝨了
477
00:20:31,521 --> 00:20:36,526
看來我這個英國皇家海軍的點子
到頭來還是挺有效的
478
00:20:36,526 --> 00:20:38,987
比夫,我沒有不敬之意
但你說的是什麼鬼話?
479
00:20:38,987 --> 00:20:41,114
沒有人喪命、沒有人吃人
480
00:20:41,114 --> 00:20:43,158
而這棟房子非常乾淨
481
00:20:43,158 --> 00:20:44,660
相當不錯,對吧,各位?
482
00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:46,745
是的,爸,史上最棒的風暴
483
00:20:46,745 --> 00:20:47,955
棒透了
484
00:20:47,955 --> 00:20:51,416
好的,如果沒什麼事的話
我得去看看精靈們的狀況
485
00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:55,170
再過幾天就是聖誕節了
木鴨的進度嚴重落後
486
00:20:55,170 --> 00:20:57,798
- 爸,請躺著休息吧
- 沒問題
487
00:20:57,798 --> 00:21:00,842
祝各位聖誕快樂
488
00:21:00,842 --> 00:21:02,928
{\an8}雪蛇會逮到你
489
00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:06,014
{\an8}千萬別睡著
490
00:21:06,014 --> 00:21:07,307
{\an8}雪蛇
491
00:21:07,808 --> 00:21:09,851
{\an8}牠們會帶來閃電
492
00:21:09,851 --> 00:21:11,687
{\an8}牠們嗜食快速動眼期和檸檬汁
493
00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:13,272
{\an8}所以要保持清醒和恐懼
494
00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:14,940
{\an8}雪蛇
495
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:16,775
{\an8}會讓人嚇得直打哆嗦
496
00:21:16,775 --> 00:21:18,026
{\an8}雪蛇
497
00:21:18,026 --> 00:21:19,695
{\an8}讓神父大感驚奇
498
00:21:19,695 --> 00:21:20,946
{\an8}天啊
499
00:21:20,946 --> 00:21:22,197
{\an8}幫自己把被子蓋好
500
00:21:22,197 --> 00:21:24,074
{\an8}和孩子吻別
501
00:21:24,074 --> 00:21:27,452
{\an8}牠們將從天空深處落下
502
00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:30,872
{\an8}牠們的麟片是由暴怒組成
牠們的尖叫是由聲音組成
503
00:21:30,872 --> 00:21:32,874
{\an8}雪蛇
504
00:21:32,874 --> 00:21:34,876
字幕翻譯:歐德慧