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♪ Look up there ♪
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- ♪ What do you see? ♪
- ♪ Nature and stuff ♪
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- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪
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[all] ♪ Hup, the Great North ♪
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{\an8}- ♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪
- [all] ♪ Hup, hey, oh ♪
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{\an8}- ♪ Catch some fish ♪
- ♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪
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{\an8}♪ Wow ♪
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{\an8}♪ Hup, the Great North ♪
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- ♪ Here we live ♪
- [all] ♪ Hup, oh ♪
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- ♪ Here we'll stay ♪
- ♪ Whoo ♪
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♪ From longest night to longest day ♪
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♪ In the Great North ♪
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{\an8}[cheering]
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{\an8}[Ham] Get him, everybody! Get him!
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{\an8}[Jerry] Moon, get back here!
Don't think I won't bite a child!
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{\an8}[Moon] Aunt Dirt,
shoot anyone who follows me.
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{\an8}- [Aunt Dirt] Consider it done.
- [gun fires, cocks]
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{\an8}Damn it. I'm out of bullets.
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- [chattering]
- [Mr. Golovkin] Snerts!
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- [Honeybee] Dang it.
- Yes! I won.
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In your face and your face and your face.
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It's very strange to get yelled at
by my teacher like this in my own home.
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{\an8}I am not here as your teacher.
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{\an8}I am here as your father's friend.
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{\an8}- [doorbell rings]
- [gasps] They've arrived.
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{\an8}[giggles]
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{\an8}Forty-eight delicious
Coddingham Creme Potatoes.
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{\an8}- Huzzah!
- Give me now.
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{\an8}What the hell is
a Coddingham Creme Potato?
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{\an8}Oh, Jerry. It is the Cadillac of
potato-shaped holiday novelty chocolates.
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{\an8}Minty, chocolaty, and with little bits
of fried potato inside.
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{\an8}Intriguing.
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{\an8}We were gifted a box of them
on Saint Patrick's Day years ago
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{\an8}when Kathleen was having an online affair
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{\an8}with an Irish gentleman
on AOL Instant Messenger.
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{\an8}LuckyCharm69. Great guy.
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{\an8}And even though
Kathleen's virtual romance ended,
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{\an8}we all fell, and remained,
deeply in love with these treats.
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{\an8}But they are only available in Ireland,
so I spend all year combing eBay for them.
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{\an8}And you only got one box for all of us?
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{\an8}Please have your resignation letter
and your father badge on my desk
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{\an8}in the morning, Beef.
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{\an8}To avoid riot, I shall hide these
until we can properly divide them up.
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{\an8}Why weren't you at school this week,
Mr. Golovkin?
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{\an8}I mean, don't get me wrong.
I "Goloved" it.
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{\an8}How dare you!
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{\an8}I know why he was out.
A bunch of the teachers had lice.
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{\an8}- [all groan]
- That's nasty.
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{\an8}Don't worry. I've been to Nits & Giggles,
and I have a clean bill of hair health.
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{\an8}You realize you are literally
scratching your head right now.
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{\an8}- Damn it.
- [cell phone rings]
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{\an8}Hello.
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Yes, sweetheart, I--
Oh, no, we haven't been listening.
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Yep, yep, okay. See you soon.
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Beef, turn on the weather band.
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[anchor] The storm has been upgraded
to a Category 5.
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Residents are urged to shelter
in place and--
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Uh-oh, a storm. Like a "snowed in" storm?
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Mr. Golovkin, can you drop me off?
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I can't get stuck here
for this crap again.
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When these guys get snowed in,
they go full wonkers in the conkers.
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[scoffs] Us? No.
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But someone should maybe hide
all the sharps. [laughs] No reason.
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Come on, Mr. G. Let's roll.
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Oh! Oh, no.
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- [growling]
- Ow!
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Moon, the lights have only been off
for two seconds. Stop biting my legs.
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- [Moon] Fine. [growls, bites]
- Ow!
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Moon, not my beautiful butt!
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- [bell chimes]
- [all gasp]
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Captain on deck!
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Uh-oh, what's this going to be?
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Dad, may I be the first to say, sick fit.
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Thank you, Son.
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As Jerry noted earlier,
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during ice storms, blizzards
and blackouts of all kinds,
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we Tobins have indeed been known
to get a little...
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Big silly style in our head tanks.
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Beautifully said, Son.
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But it wasn't until the last one,
when we had guests,
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that I realized
how shameful our behavior is.
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So, as the captain of this family,
I have come up with a foolproof plan.
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Okay. A plan could be good.
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During this storm, we will be dressing
and acting according to the rules
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of the most efficiently regulated
maritime organization in the world.
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The Royal British Navy.
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That's your idea?
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Well, you know the saying,
"Any idea my dad has is perfect."
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There will be no chaos, no Moon Courts--
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What's Moon Court?
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Oh, it's a court ruled over by a child,
but all the adults take it seriously.
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Sustained.
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There will also be no eating of people,
no eating of sweets--
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- [Ham gasps]
- [Judy, Moon] What?
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- I mutiny.
- Me too. That sucks, Dad.
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No mutinies allowed.
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Three healthy meals a day
will be provided.
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Uh, Dad, you have been known
to actually get
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the most Loggins in the Noggins
of any of us.
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Yeah. Like when you became convinced
you had, quote, unquote,
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"The same illness Tim Allen had
in The Santa Clause."
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Or when you made us stay awake
for 36 hours to avoid what you called,
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quote, unquote, "storm snakes,"
who, quote, unquote, "feed on sleep."
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Yes, during storms past,
I let myself go crazy,
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but I assure you this plan will help me
keep my mind right.
106
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The Tobin household is now
a Royal British Navy vessel,
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call sign: HMS Perfect Family.
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I am her captain. Moon is her first mate.
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Don't try to butter me up.
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Judy, you're first "leuff-tenant,"
as the Brits say.
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Ham, second "leuff-tenant".
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Honeybee and Wolf,
co-third "leuff-tenants."
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- Yes! I'm my dad's third.
- Babe, uh-uh.
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And to make up for last time,
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Jerry shall take on a comfortable role
as my best friend and personal confidant.
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[groans] Fine.
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Golovkin, since you have lice,
you will be a barrel boy.
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- And what is a barrel boy?
- A diseased boy in a barrel.
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But since we have no barrel,
you can ride this out in the brig.
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We should burn his clothes too.
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Fine by me. My whole outfit cost $3.
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Perfect. Jerry, I offer you
this book and pen for recordkeeping.
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And I also offer you my reassurance
that we will all act very normally
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for the duration of the storm.
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I do not believe you and, in fact,
think you have already gone crazy.
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Well, I can't wait to prove you wrong.
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Welcome aboard
the HMS Perfect Family, troops.
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The voyage begins upon my bell.
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Oh, "sail" yeah!
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Ah, what a fine, brisk day at sea,
is it not, Jerry?
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Everything very calm, very normal.
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Yep, just one of those normal days
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dressing your children
in jaunty little sailor outfits
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and pretending the house is a ship.
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[Wolf] Dad,
I don't want to get ahead of myself,
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but so far this has been better
than slowly descending into madness.
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See, I told you all
that a little order would go a long way.
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Honestly, I was worried about you, Dad,
but you know I love chores.
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00:06:01,736 --> 00:06:04,739
And usually by now I'd have chugged
two full bottles of maple syrup,
140
00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:07,658
and me and Judy would be fistfighting
about who is the best Bachelor.
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- It was Brad Womack!
- It's Lorenzo Borghese.
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This is why you're single.
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Borghese? More like "Barf-ghese."
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Speaking of barfing,
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I wouldn't mind getting my hands on all 48
of those Coddingham Creme Potatoes.
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Captain Father, shall we set a course
to the Potato Creme Bay?
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We don't need sugar, First Mate Moon.
We need structure.
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Jerry, take an entry
into the captain's log.
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Day one aboard the HMS Perfect Family.
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We set sail mere hours ago
and morale is high.
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No signs of slappy fights, scurvy,
purple nurples, cannibalism or Moon Court.
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Even our louse-ridden barrel boy
is well-cared-for.
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I dare say my plan is perfection.
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{\an8}Day two commences.
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The sailors happily enjoy
a hearty breakfast of plain oatmeal
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and a refreshing glass
of room-temperature water.
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Filling one and all
with both vim and vigor.
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Meals are followed by exercise.
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The lunchtime rations
of boiled chicken were generous,
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as were the spirits of the crew.
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I know this routine is supposed
to keep our brains from turning to goo,
162
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:07,468
but I'm starting to feel like one
of those animals that runs on a wheel.
163
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- You know? Like a, uh--
- Hamster?
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- Yes, Judster?
- No, I-- Never mind.
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Excuse me for a moment, sailors.
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I must prepare
the afternoon's entertainment.
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I agree with Ham.
168
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All this boiled food and cleaning
is not making me less restless.
169
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Don't worry, my cooped-up Catherine.
170
00:07:22,859 --> 00:07:25,486
Dad has absolutely everything
under control.
171
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[laughs] I don't think so.
172
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How dare you not think so!
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Guys, it is very obvious
that your dad is slowly going mad.
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Like Dad, Dad? No.
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He's specifically not getting wobbled
in his bauble.
176
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Haven't you ever seen Mutiny on the Bounty
or-- or Cast Away?
177
00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:42,670
Your dad is seconds away
from frenching a volleyball.
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- Maritime lecture, ahoy!
- Uh-oh.
179
00:07:45,798 --> 00:07:49,135
Welcome sailors,
to the Captain's Lecture Series.
180
00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:53,639
To properly swab, first thing you'll need
is a bucket of hot, soapy water.
181
00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:55,766
You wanna dump your mop into the bucket.
182
00:07:55,766 --> 00:07:58,227
Soak up the hot, soapy water with a mop
183
00:07:58,227 --> 00:08:01,272
in a back-and-forth,
swabbing-like fashion.
184
00:08:01,272 --> 00:08:05,234
...your azimuth compass,
and set your mop's course due north,
185
00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:06,777
- northeast, northwest.
- This is pure teak,
186
00:08:06,777 --> 00:08:08,946
so you're gonna be sanding
with a holystone...
187
00:08:08,946 --> 00:08:11,908
[groans] He's been lecturing us
on swabbing for hours.
188
00:08:11,908 --> 00:08:14,035
He just keeps repeating himself.
What is going on?
189
00:08:14,035 --> 00:08:16,454
[clears throat]
Something to say, Lieutenant?
190
00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:17,872
Oh, uh, just, you know,
191
00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:20,791
there's a lot of swabbing information
happening here, and I think we got it.
192
00:08:20,791 --> 00:08:23,961
Well, then, let's put our wet rags
where our mouths are.
193
00:08:23,961 --> 00:08:28,424
In fact, tonight's meal will be delayed
so that we can swab the walls,
194
00:08:28,424 --> 00:08:31,219
the countertops,
the individual coins in the swear jar,
195
00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:33,054
- and the rafters.
- Oh, boy.
196
00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:37,517
Guys, I think Golovkin was right.
197
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:40,436
Maybe your dad is starting to go a little,
uh, you know...
198
00:08:40,436 --> 00:08:41,687
Master and Bananas?
199
00:08:41,687 --> 00:08:43,689
I'm sure he has a very good reason
200
00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:45,525
for keeping a stuffed parrot
on his shoulder
201
00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,527
and speaking with it
and sometimes kissing it.
202
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:49,695
What's that, Darius? [laughs]
203
00:08:49,695 --> 00:08:51,822
Good one, my fine bird. [kisses]
204
00:08:51,822 --> 00:08:55,117
Look, if Dad's getting a little loose
in the brain caboose,
205
00:08:55,117 --> 00:08:56,911
maybe that's to our advantage.
206
00:08:56,911 --> 00:08:59,664
[clears throat]
Father, on behalf of the crew,
207
00:08:59,664 --> 00:09:03,251
I am humbly requesting
we each be allowed one small treat
208
00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:04,627
with our evening meal.
209
00:09:04,627 --> 00:09:06,921
Perhaps one of
the Coddingham Creme Potatoes.
210
00:09:06,921 --> 00:09:09,799
Ship's historian,
best friend and personal confidant.
211
00:09:09,799 --> 00:09:11,676
Yes. Shall I get the potatoes?
212
00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:13,803
[chuckles] No. Take a log/letter.
213
00:09:13,803 --> 00:09:15,304
Dear, First Mate Moon,
214
00:09:15,304 --> 00:09:16,681
request denied.
215
00:09:16,681 --> 00:09:17,848
You bastard.
216
00:09:17,848 --> 00:09:18,933
Come on, Dad.
217
00:09:18,933 --> 00:09:21,185
We've been trapped inside for 51 hours.
218
00:09:21,185 --> 00:09:24,480
Yeah. And all we're asking for
is one tiny itty-bitty treat
219
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,607
to get us through
till the power comes back on.
220
00:09:26,607 --> 00:09:27,942
And also to get our phones back
221
00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:29,694
and not to do any more work
and no more lectures.
222
00:09:29,694 --> 00:09:30,903
Absolutely not.
223
00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:33,823
This is my voyage,
and we will stay this course.
224
00:09:33,823 --> 00:09:36,158
- Told ya!
- [Beef] Silence, Barrel Boy.
225
00:09:36,158 --> 00:09:39,954
I'm noticing that the trim around
the baseboards of the ship is dirty.
226
00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:42,248
Let us clean it all before bedtime.
227
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:43,583
[all groan]
228
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:47,128
Jerry, please go and get a pack
of toothbrushes from the basement.
229
00:09:49,672 --> 00:09:51,507
[Wolf snoring]
230
00:09:51,507 --> 00:09:52,758
- [bell chiming]
- [all gasp]
231
00:09:52,758 --> 00:09:53,843
[Judy] What? What?
232
00:09:53,843 --> 00:09:56,178
Pirates of the Crap-ibbean,
Curse of the What the Hell?
233
00:09:56,178 --> 00:09:58,180
Dad, it's 4:00 in the morning.
234
00:09:58,180 --> 00:09:59,724
It's time to scrub the galley.
235
00:09:59,724 --> 00:10:01,058
[all groan]
236
00:10:01,058 --> 00:10:03,060
Jerry, take a log.
237
00:10:03,060 --> 00:10:05,229
Day three begins before dawn
238
00:10:05,229 --> 00:10:09,108
with all and sundry cheered
by my buoyant leadership.
239
00:10:09,108 --> 00:10:10,401
[Beef laughing]
240
00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:15,489
The troops have pleased me today,
241
00:10:15,489 --> 00:10:18,451
and so Darius, my shoulder companion,
242
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:21,662
encouraged me to reconsider
my dessert edict.
243
00:10:21,662 --> 00:10:23,164
Yes.
244
00:10:25,124 --> 00:10:26,375
Dark chocolate?
245
00:10:26,375 --> 00:10:29,253
That's disgusting.
It's basically a vegetable.
246
00:10:29,253 --> 00:10:30,921
Now, if you could all excuse me,
247
00:10:30,921 --> 00:10:33,549
I have a private captain's matter
to attend to.
248
00:10:33,549 --> 00:10:37,261
Also please note that today
when I was on the phone with Mrs. Claus,
249
00:10:37,261 --> 00:10:41,432
she told me the snow snakes are back,
and they don't like smiles.
250
00:10:41,432 --> 00:10:43,684
So, just something to keep in mind.
251
00:10:43,684 --> 00:10:44,935
Okay, enough!
252
00:10:44,935 --> 00:10:47,480
That man is full melon in the cerebellum.
253
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,440
This ends now.
254
00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:53,152
[Wolf] Moon. What you doing, bud?
You can't kill Dad. We've been over this.
255
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,112
No. Oh, God. No.
256
00:10:55,112 --> 00:10:56,697
- [all gasp]
- [Ham] Dad!
257
00:10:56,697 --> 00:10:59,033
[Moon] You sick son of a boat captain.
258
00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:01,827
You ate 48 candy potatoes?
259
00:11:01,827 --> 00:11:03,913
[gasps] No, this isn't what it looks like.
260
00:11:03,913 --> 00:11:06,290
- I found them like this.
- Save it, Dad.
261
00:11:06,290 --> 00:11:09,001
I'm afraid
you've been caught brown-handed.
262
00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:10,419
While your crew goes hungry,
263
00:11:10,419 --> 00:11:13,130
you're gorging yourself
on Coddingham Creme Potatoes,
264
00:11:13,130 --> 00:11:16,300
only available on another continent
or the potato dark web?
265
00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:18,386
I didn't eat them. I swear.
266
00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:20,846
I only came down here
to grab more swab supplies.
267
00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:24,600
I thought after your dessert,
we could swab each other and the snakes.
268
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:27,103
And Mrs. Claus could use a swabbing,
if I'm honest.
269
00:11:27,103 --> 00:11:31,190
Captain, we are relieving you
of your duties effective immediately.
270
00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:32,942
What? You can't mean--
271
00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:34,819
Oh, we can mean!
272
00:11:34,819 --> 00:11:37,697
You say potato, we say "mutiny-ta-ta-to."
273
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:41,117
And you know what? I believe that
I would actually like to press charges.
274
00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:42,451
- [Judy] Me too!
- [Wolf] And I!
275
00:11:42,451 --> 00:11:46,831
You may have kept us from going mad,
but not from getting mad.
276
00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:50,084
You said no Moon Court,
but you didn't say no Moon Court-martial.
277
00:11:50,084 --> 00:11:52,586
- [gasps]
- You better lawyer up, pal.
278
00:11:52,586 --> 00:11:54,839
Darius, don't say another word.
279
00:11:57,925 --> 00:12:00,177
{\an8}- [gravel raps]
- [Moon] Order! Order!
280
00:12:00,177 --> 00:12:03,597
This special court-martial tribunal
is now called to order.
281
00:12:03,597 --> 00:12:06,976
{\an8}I recognize the plaintiffs--
Ham, Judy and Wolf Tobin--
282
00:12:06,976 --> 00:12:10,438
{\an8}who are the victims of the defendant,
Captain Beef Tenderloin Tobin,
283
00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:11,981
who is guilty.
284
00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:14,525
{\an8}You can't say I'm guilty
before the trial starts.
285
00:12:14,525 --> 00:12:17,528
Overruled. Who will represent
the plaintiffs in this case?
286
00:12:17,528 --> 00:12:19,405
- I will, Your Honor.
- Sustained.
287
00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:22,700
And who will represent
this disgusting potato hog,
288
00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:24,994
who is the worst and very guilty?
289
00:12:24,994 --> 00:12:26,078
Case dismissed.
290
00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:27,872
- [wind blowing]
- No one? All right.
291
00:12:27,872 --> 00:12:30,249
I shall proceed
with the sentencing to death.
292
00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:32,585
Come on, somebody. Jerry, please.
293
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:34,295
[groans] All right.
294
00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:37,965
Court Stenographer Diseased Barrel Boy,
please read the charges.
295
00:12:37,965 --> 00:12:39,967
{\an8}"Captain Beef Tobin stands here accused
296
00:12:39,967 --> 00:12:42,887
{\an8}of being a nasty little potato hog,
oink oink."
297
00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:44,472
- Sustained.
- Judge Moon.
298
00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:46,974
If it pleases the court,
I have something to say.
299
00:12:46,974 --> 00:12:48,350
I'll allow it, Barrel Boy.
300
00:12:48,350 --> 00:12:49,935
I feel the need to point out
301
00:12:49,935 --> 00:12:52,730
that it is usually the mutineers
who are court-martialed
302
00:12:52,730 --> 00:12:53,856
and not the captain.
303
00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:55,399
Hmm. Is that so?
304
00:12:55,399 --> 00:12:57,943
Well, if you're such a huge fan
of the captain,
305
00:12:57,943 --> 00:13:00,613
why don't you join him as a defendant?
306
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:01,781
Wait. What?
307
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:03,991
You are hereby charged
with being pretentious,
308
00:13:03,991 --> 00:13:05,951
- and a teacher at my school.
- Sustained!
309
00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:08,662
Please sit right next
to my father. Same chair.
310
00:13:08,662 --> 00:13:09,955
But he has lice.
311
00:13:09,955 --> 00:13:11,582
Oh, is that so?
312
00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:15,795
Well, a trial on that matter will be set
on the "dumbteenth" of stupid.
313
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:17,213
But who will be the stenographer?
314
00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:18,547
- I'll do it.
- [all scream]
315
00:13:18,547 --> 00:13:19,632
[Ham] A stowaway.
316
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,467
Aunt Dirt, where the hell
did you come from?
317
00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:24,678
Oh, I came over to the main house
right after the blizzard started.
318
00:13:24,678 --> 00:13:26,597
But when I peeked my head into the kitchen
319
00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:29,809
and saw everyone was doing chores
dressed as Scientologists,
320
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,936
I decided just to hide in the panic room.
321
00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:35,648
I had my gun, my flask,
my backup flask, so I was all set.
322
00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:37,691
But the flasks ran out,
and this seems kind of fun.
323
00:13:37,691 --> 00:13:39,276
- So now I'm in.
- Sustained.
324
00:13:39,276 --> 00:13:42,112
Aunt Dirt is recognized
as the court stenographer
325
00:13:42,112 --> 00:13:43,489
and also the jury.
326
00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:46,242
Motion to also be
a publicly intoxicated loudmouth?
327
00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:47,451
So granted.
328
00:13:47,451 --> 00:13:49,620
[burps] Yeehaw, Your Highness.
329
00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:51,914
If there are no further motions
at this time,
330
00:13:51,914 --> 00:13:55,543
the trial of Beef Tenderloin Tobin
for being a horrible captain
331
00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:58,796
and nasty spud piggy is called to order.
332
00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:03,259
{\an8}Counselor Honeybee,
your opening statement, please.
333
00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:05,177
{\an8}Your Honor, gentlelady of the jury...
334
00:14:05,177 --> 00:14:08,055
- Present.
- ...let me begin by asking you a question.
335
00:14:08,055 --> 00:14:10,349
What do we mean when we say "potato pig"?
336
00:14:10,349 --> 00:14:13,018
Webster's defines "filthy potato pig"
as follows.
337
00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:16,188
A man with a red beard and no soul
338
00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:18,440
who used an ice storm
to starve and torture
339
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,026
his own children, their gorgeous wives...
340
00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:22,444
Guilty as described.
341
00:14:22,444 --> 00:14:25,406
...the gorgeous wife's extremely
nice brother, Jerry,
342
00:14:25,406 --> 00:14:27,575
who would never hurt anyone in this world,
343
00:14:27,575 --> 00:14:28,868
- and him.
- Hey.
344
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,495
And while I sometimes say,
"I rest my case," just for fun,
345
00:14:31,495 --> 00:14:33,289
in this case, I do rest my case,
346
00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:36,083
because every single person
in this room except Aunt Dirt
347
00:14:36,083 --> 00:14:39,962
saw this little potato piggy,
Beef Tobin, down on all fours
348
00:14:39,962 --> 00:14:42,923
just pigging those potatoes,
slurping that potato slop
349
00:14:42,923 --> 00:14:44,550
in his little piggy style--
350
00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:46,385
- Objection.
- On what grounds?
351
00:14:46,385 --> 00:14:47,761
I didn't do it.
352
00:14:47,761 --> 00:14:49,763
You should've thought of that
before you did it.
353
00:14:49,763 --> 00:14:52,516
So, in conclusion,
this little piggy went to the basement,
354
00:14:52,516 --> 00:14:53,976
this little piggy ate chocolates,
355
00:14:53,976 --> 00:14:56,979
and those Coddingham Creme Potatoes
went "wee, wee, wee"
356
00:14:56,979 --> 00:14:58,772
all the way to his stomach.
357
00:14:58,772 --> 00:15:01,734
In your face, and I do rest my case.
358
00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:04,737
Your Honor, may I approach the bench
to kiss my wife?
359
00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:08,282
Overruled. Jerry, your opening
and closing statements, please.
360
00:15:10,367 --> 00:15:12,745
I call to the "opening
and closing statement" stand
361
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,204
Captain Beef Tobin.
362
00:15:14,204 --> 00:15:17,416
Objection. He can't call a witness
during his opening statement.
363
00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:18,792
That's hearsay, Your Honor.
364
00:15:18,792 --> 00:15:20,002
Huh. I'll allow it.
365
00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:22,254
Dad, please take the witness stand.
366
00:15:22,254 --> 00:15:26,008
Now. Beef, you are, in fact just a man.
Is that right?
367
00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:27,760
- Guilty.
- Objection.
368
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,595
I'll render the verdicts around here.
369
00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:30,679
Sustained.
370
00:15:30,679 --> 00:15:32,932
And like any other man,
you like chocolates,
371
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:35,517
particularly novelty chocolates.
Is that right?
372
00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:39,104
I've been known to dabble with
the devil in the brown dress. Yes.
373
00:15:39,104 --> 00:15:41,774
And so you, as you admitted, just a man,
374
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:43,859
had been at sea for three days,
375
00:15:43,859 --> 00:15:46,195
burdened with
overwhelming responsibilities
376
00:15:46,195 --> 00:15:47,446
and an ungrateful crew.
377
00:15:47,446 --> 00:15:48,906
- Is that right?
- Indeed.
378
00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:51,200
I was simply trying to keep us all sane,
379
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,701
even though Santa bit me,
380
00:15:52,701 --> 00:15:55,412
and I'm slowly becoming him,
like Timothy Allen.
381
00:15:55,412 --> 00:15:58,082
- Darius was so worried.
- [Jerry chuckles]
382
00:15:58,082 --> 00:15:59,416
Of course he was.
383
00:15:59,416 --> 00:16:02,503
[grunts] He's going for
the insanity defense. Ah. Brilliant.
384
00:16:02,503 --> 00:16:04,213
And under that kind of pressure,
385
00:16:04,213 --> 00:16:07,174
you went down to the basement
to get the swabbing supplies.
386
00:16:07,174 --> 00:16:10,260
But then there it was, an unopened box
387
00:16:10,260 --> 00:16:13,347
of four dozen Coddingham Creme Potatoes.
388
00:16:13,347 --> 00:16:16,600
So you thought, "What could be the harm?
I'll just have one."
389
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:17,893
But they were so good--
390
00:16:17,893 --> 00:16:21,105
just the right balance
of chocolate and minty creme filling
391
00:16:21,105 --> 00:16:22,439
to soothe a warped mind--
392
00:16:22,439 --> 00:16:24,274
that you just kept going back.
393
00:16:24,274 --> 00:16:26,026
You didn't wanna do it. No, you did not.
394
00:16:26,026 --> 00:16:27,945
But you were insane from the storm
395
00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:31,198
and from trying to take care
of all these insubordinate scallywags.
396
00:16:31,198 --> 00:16:33,951
Scallywags, please murmur angrily.
397
00:16:33,951 --> 00:16:35,995
[murmuring]
398
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,122
These sailors you trusted,
399
00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:40,290
that you loved
like they were your own children,
400
00:16:40,290 --> 00:16:42,292
well, they hurt you,
didn't they, Captain Tobin?
401
00:16:42,292 --> 00:16:43,544
- Didn't they?
- Yes.
402
00:16:43,544 --> 00:16:45,045
It makes me sick.
403
00:16:45,045 --> 00:16:48,090
They swabbed the deck,
but they couldn't swab their own hearts.
404
00:16:48,757 --> 00:16:52,928
In closing, you must find Beef Tobin
not guilty by reason of insanity.
405
00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:55,180
Who could blame this sad shell of a man
406
00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:57,516
for seeking out a little bit
of chocolate-covered joy
407
00:16:57,516 --> 00:16:59,226
in this crazy, snowed-in world?
408
00:16:59,226 --> 00:17:00,686
I know I can't. I won't!
409
00:17:00,686 --> 00:17:02,104
[sobbing]
410
00:17:02,104 --> 00:17:06,025
It's like the Leprechaun's Limerick
inscribed upon the Creme Potato says,
411
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:08,986
"Potatoes are the root vegetable
of all happiness."
412
00:17:08,986 --> 00:17:11,113
- [gasps]
- And I do rest my case.
413
00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:13,866
I'm so sorry, Potato Papa.
414
00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:15,909
We're gonna get you the help you need.
415
00:17:15,909 --> 00:17:17,244
Damn it. Jerry's good.
416
00:17:17,244 --> 00:17:19,079
We will now move on to sentencing.
417
00:17:19,079 --> 00:17:22,207
Moon, wait. I have new evidence.
I know who ate the potatoes.
418
00:17:22,207 --> 00:17:23,959
It was you, Jerry.
419
00:17:23,959 --> 00:17:25,836
- [all gasp]
- No, d-don't listen to this man!
420
00:17:25,836 --> 00:17:27,629
Three days ago, when the potatoes came,
421
00:17:27,629 --> 00:17:29,965
Jerry said he'd never seen one before.
422
00:17:29,965 --> 00:17:32,593
The only way he would know
about the Leprechaun's Limerick
423
00:17:32,593 --> 00:17:34,595
would be if he ate the potatoes himself.
424
00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:35,846
- [all gasp]
- [Judy] Oh, dang.
425
00:17:35,846 --> 00:17:36,930
Order, order!
426
00:17:36,930 --> 00:17:39,975
Order me some popcorn,
'cause this is gettin' good.
427
00:17:43,937 --> 00:17:45,314
{\an8}[Moon] The trial of Jerry Shaw
428
00:17:45,314 --> 00:17:49,443
for stealing and eating Coddingham
Creme Potatoes is now in session.
429
00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:50,736
Jerry, how do you plead?
430
00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:51,987
Not guilty.
431
00:17:51,987 --> 00:17:55,991
I'm Jerry. As was stated earlier,
I never do anything wrong.
432
00:17:55,991 --> 00:17:57,659
Liar! Murderer!
433
00:17:57,659 --> 00:17:59,369
Judy, don't. It's not worth it.
434
00:17:59,369 --> 00:18:01,080
That's not how we get justice.
435
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,998
Who will be representing Mr. Shaw?
436
00:18:02,998 --> 00:18:05,584
I'll take the case,
but if it pleases the court,
437
00:18:05,584 --> 00:18:07,669
I'll be pretending
to be my favorite lawyer,
438
00:18:07,669 --> 00:18:10,798
the lead character from the 1961 TV show,
439
00:18:10,798 --> 00:18:13,050
Shirley Dunn, Lady Lawyer With a Gun.
440
00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:16,303
She waves her gun around a lot
and occasionally shoots a juror.
441
00:18:16,303 --> 00:18:18,555
Court is pleased. Continue.
442
00:18:18,555 --> 00:18:20,057
Honeybee, your opening statement.
443
00:18:20,057 --> 00:18:23,060
Oh, uh, same statements as before
but about my brother this time.
444
00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:25,229
Very good. Lady Lawyer, you're up.
445
00:18:25,854 --> 00:18:27,940
- [all gasp]
- The defense rests.
446
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,525
Hey, you're supposed to defend me.
447
00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:32,319
No can do, buckaroo.
I saw you eating those potatoes.
448
00:18:32,319 --> 00:18:34,863
- The court will now gasp.
- [gasp]
449
00:18:34,863 --> 00:18:39,076
Last night, I went down to the basement
looking for cigarettes and nudie mags,
450
00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:40,410
and that's when I saw...
451
00:18:40,410 --> 00:18:42,579
Toothbrushes, toothbrushes.
452
00:18:42,579 --> 00:18:46,125
{\an8}Ooh, well, top of the morning to me.
453
00:18:47,584 --> 00:18:48,585
[chuckles]
454
00:18:48,585 --> 00:18:50,838
You all think I'm so sweet.
455
00:18:50,838 --> 00:18:55,384
Perfect little angel baby Jerry
would never eat a stolen candy potato.
456
00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:56,760
[cackles]
457
00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:58,512
That's how I got away with it for so long.
458
00:18:58,512 --> 00:18:59,930
It wasn't that long.
459
00:18:59,930 --> 00:19:01,849
I did it because of him!
460
00:19:01,849 --> 00:19:05,185
Beef, you promised me a better
Tobin snowed-in experience.
461
00:19:05,185 --> 00:19:06,979
And this was not that.
462
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:09,940
I was just sitting around taking your logs
463
00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:13,861
while you slowly went bonkers
in every single tonker you possess.
464
00:19:13,861 --> 00:19:16,905
Yes, I ate the potatoes
with my actual mouth,
465
00:19:16,905 --> 00:19:19,408
but I was driven to do it by Beef.
466
00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:21,869
They might as well be swimming around
in his tummy.
467
00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:24,913
I'm not guilty by reason
of Beef being a bad captain.
468
00:19:24,913 --> 00:19:27,291
And in closing, I put Beef back on trial.
469
00:19:27,291 --> 00:19:28,709
He is guilty. The end.
470
00:19:28,709 --> 00:19:30,544
- So ordered.
- What?
471
00:19:31,211 --> 00:19:33,589
{\an8}Honeybee, your opening
and closing statements.
472
00:19:33,589 --> 00:19:36,133
Same statement as last time
and the other time, but about Beef again.
473
00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:37,593
In your face, and I rest my case.
474
00:19:37,593 --> 00:19:40,262
Will anyone defend
my father, the potato pig?
475
00:19:40,262 --> 00:19:42,389
- I will act as my own counsel.
- Proceed.
476
00:19:42,389 --> 00:19:43,473
Yes, I admit it.
477
00:19:43,473 --> 00:19:46,310
This was probably
the most crazy I ever acted.
478
00:19:46,310 --> 00:19:48,812
In fact, I was probably literally nuts
479
00:19:48,812 --> 00:19:51,356
from the moment I came in here
in my little white suit.
480
00:19:51,356 --> 00:19:52,691
I knew it!
481
00:19:52,691 --> 00:19:55,319
And I do in fact sentence myself to death.
482
00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:56,403
So granted.
483
00:19:56,403 --> 00:19:59,823
But before I walk the plank,
I must make my real confession.
484
00:19:59,823 --> 00:20:02,910
I told a rank and abhorrent lie
a few days ago,
485
00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:05,996
and I cannot die
with that sin upon my soul.
486
00:20:05,996 --> 00:20:09,499
There are in fact a whole bunch more
potatoes in the basement
487
00:20:09,499 --> 00:20:11,460
that I was hoarding for myself,
and I cannot--
488
00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:14,213
Court adjourned.
Aunt Dirt, shoot anyone who follows me.
489
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:16,757
Consider it done. Shirley Dunn.
490
00:20:16,757 --> 00:20:19,718
- Moon, don't you dare eat those potatoes.
- Damn it. I'm out of bullets.
491
00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:21,220
Get him, everybody! Get him!
492
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:23,055
[Jerry] Moon, get back here!
493
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:25,432
- Don't think I won't bite a child!
- [Ham] Give me those potatoes!
494
00:20:25,432 --> 00:20:27,726
Oop. Hey, power's back on.
495
00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:29,228
I definitely still have lice.
496
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:30,854
I believe we all do.
497
00:20:31,521 --> 00:20:36,526
Well, it seems my British Royal Navy idea
worked pretty well after all.
498
00:20:36,526 --> 00:20:38,987
Beef, respectfully,
what the hell are you talking about?
499
00:20:38,987 --> 00:20:41,114
No one died, no one ate anyone,
500
00:20:41,114 --> 00:20:43,158
and the house is very clean.
501
00:20:43,158 --> 00:20:44,660
Pretty good. Right, guys?
502
00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:46,745
Oh, yeah, Dad. Best storm yet.
503
00:20:46,745 --> 00:20:47,955
[chuckling] Terrific.
504
00:20:47,955 --> 00:20:51,416
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go see how the elves are doing.
505
00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:55,170
It's only a few days till Christmas,
and we are way behind on wooden ducks.
506
00:20:55,170 --> 00:20:57,798
- Dad, please go lie down.
- You got it.
507
00:20:57,798 --> 00:21:00,842
Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, everybody.
508
00:21:00,842 --> 00:21:02,928
{\an8}- [thunder rumbling]
- [Beef] Storm snake's gonna get you.
509
00:21:02,928 --> 00:21:04,012
{\an8}[laughs]
510
00:21:04,012 --> 00:21:06,014
{\an8}♪ Stay away from slumber ♪
511
00:21:06,014 --> 00:21:07,307
{\an8}♪ Storm snakes ♪
512
00:21:07,808 --> 00:21:09,851
{\an8}♪ They're gonna bring that thunder ♪
513
00:21:09,851 --> 00:21:11,687
{\an8}♪ They feast on REM and lemonade ♪
514
00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:13,272
{\an8}♪ So stay awake and be afraid ♪
515
00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:14,940
{\an8}[Beef, Jerry] ♪ Storm snakes ♪
516
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:16,775
{\an8}♪ Making normies quake ♪
517
00:21:16,775 --> 00:21:18,026
{\an8}[Beef, Jerry] ♪ Storm snakes ♪
518
00:21:18,026 --> 00:21:19,695
{\an8}[Beef] ♪ Priests doing double takes ♪
519
00:21:19,695 --> 00:21:20,946
{\an8}[screams]
520
00:21:20,946 --> 00:21:22,197
{\an8}♪ Tuck yourself in ♪
521
00:21:22,197 --> 00:21:24,074
{\an8}♪ And kiss your kids goodbye ♪
522
00:21:24,074 --> 00:21:27,452
{\an8}♪ From the depths of the sky
They're gonna rain down ♪
523
00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:30,872
{\an8}♪ Their scales are made of fury
And their screams are made of sounds ♪
524
00:21:30,872 --> 00:21:32,457
{\an8}♪ Storm snakes ♪