1 00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:03,169 ♪ Look up there ♪ 2 00:00:03,169 --> 00:00:05,922 - ♪ What do you see? ♪ - ♪ Nature and stuff ♪ 3 00:00:05,922 --> 00:00:07,590 - ♪ Like a rock ♪ - ♪ And a tree ♪ 4 00:00:07,590 --> 00:00:10,719 ♪ Hup, the Great North ♪ 5 00:00:10,719 --> 00:00:13,763 {\an8}♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪ ♪ Hup, hey, oh ♪ 6 00:00:13,763 --> 00:00:16,891 {\an8}- ♪ Catch some fish ♪ - ♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪ 7 00:00:16,891 --> 00:00:17,892 {\an8}♪ Wow ♪ 8 00:00:17,892 --> 00:00:21,104 {\an8}♪ Hup, the Great North ♪ 9 00:00:21,104 --> 00:00:23,106 ♪ Here we live ♪ ♪ Hup, oh ♪ 10 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,357 - ♪ Here we'll stay ♪ - ♪ Whoo ♪ 11 00:00:24,357 --> 00:00:26,192 ♪ From longest night to longest day ♪ 12 00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:29,237 ♪ In the Great North ♪ 13 00:00:34,325 --> 00:00:35,785 Get him, everybody! Get him! 14 00:00:35,785 --> 00:00:38,246 Moon, get back here! Don't think I won't bite a child! 15 00:00:38,246 --> 00:00:40,331 Aunt Dirt, shoot anyone who follows me. 16 00:00:40,331 --> 00:00:42,083 Consider it done. 17 00:00:42,083 --> 00:00:43,626 {\an8}Damn it. I'm out of bullets. 18 00:00:46,254 --> 00:00:47,630 Snerts! 19 00:00:47,630 --> 00:00:49,549 Dang it. - Yes! I won. 20 00:00:49,549 --> 00:00:51,384 In your face and your face and your face. 21 00:00:51,384 --> 00:00:54,387 It's very strange to get yelled at by my teacher like this in my own home. 22 00:00:54,387 --> 00:00:55,805 {\an8}I am not here as your teacher. 23 00:00:55,805 --> 00:00:57,307 {\an8}I am here as your father's friend. 24 00:00:57,307 --> 00:00:59,434 They've arrived. 25 00:01:03,938 --> 00:01:06,775 {\an8}Forty-eight delicious Coddingham Creme Potatoes. 26 00:01:06,775 --> 00:01:08,109 {\an8}- Huzzah! - Give me now. 27 00:01:08,109 --> 00:01:10,487 {\an8}What the hell is a Coddingham Creme Potato? 28 00:01:10,487 --> 00:01:14,741 {\an8}Oh, Jerry. It is the Cadillac of potato-shaped holiday novelty chocolates. 29 00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:17,952 {\an8}Minty, chocolaty, and with little bits of fried potato inside. 30 00:01:17,952 --> 00:01:19,037 {\an8}Intriguing. 31 00:01:19,037 --> 00:01:22,290 {\an8}We were gifted a box of them on Saint Patrick's Day years ago 32 00:01:22,290 --> 00:01:24,542 {\an8}when Kathleen was having an online affair 33 00:01:24,542 --> 00:01:27,754 {\an8}with an Irish gentleman on AOL Instant Messenger. 34 00:01:27,754 --> 00:01:30,173 {\an8}LuckyCharm69. Great guy. 35 00:01:30,173 --> 00:01:32,926 {\an8}And even though Kathleen's virtual romance ended, 36 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:36,471 {\an8}we all fell, and remained, deeply in love with these treats. 37 00:01:36,471 --> 00:01:41,559 {\an8}But they are only available in Ireland, so I spend all year combing eBay for them. 38 00:01:41,559 --> 00:01:43,853 {\an8}And you only got one box for all of us? 39 00:01:43,853 --> 00:01:46,940 {\an8}Please have your resignation letter and your father badge on my desk 40 00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:48,149 {\an8}in the morning, Beef. 41 00:01:48,149 --> 00:01:52,445 {\an8}To avoid riot, I shall hide these until we can properly divide them up. 42 00:01:52,445 --> 00:01:54,989 {\an8}Why weren't you at school this week, Mr. Golovkin? 43 00:01:54,989 --> 00:01:57,659 {\an8}I mean, don't get me wrong. I "Goloved" it. 44 00:01:57,659 --> 00:01:58,743 {\an8}How dare you! 45 00:01:58,743 --> 00:02:01,871 {\an8}I know why he was out. A bunch of the teachers had lice. 46 00:02:01,871 --> 00:02:03,498 {\an8}That's nasty. 47 00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:07,377 {\an8}Don't worry. I've been to Nits & Giggles, and I have a clean bill of hair health. 48 00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:10,130 {\an8}You realize you are literally scratching your head right now. 49 00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:11,631 {\an8}Damn it. 50 00:02:11,631 --> 00:02:12,757 {\an8}Hello. 51 00:02:12,757 --> 00:02:15,343 Yes, sweetheart, I-- Oh, no, we haven't been listening. 52 00:02:15,343 --> 00:02:16,928 Yep, yep, okay. See you soon. 53 00:02:16,928 --> 00:02:18,555 Beef, turn on the weather band. 54 00:02:20,265 --> 00:02:22,684 The storm has been upgraded to a Category 5. 55 00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:24,686 Residents are urged to shelter in place and-- 56 00:02:24,686 --> 00:02:27,772 Uh-oh, a storm. Like a "snowed in" storm? 57 00:02:27,772 --> 00:02:29,607 Mr. Golovkin, can you drop me off? 58 00:02:29,607 --> 00:02:31,484 I can't get stuck here for this crap again. 59 00:02:31,484 --> 00:02:35,613 When these guys get snowed in, they go full wonkers in the conkers. 60 00:02:35,613 --> 00:02:37,699 Us? No. 61 00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:40,285 But someone should maybe hide all the sharps. [laughs] No reason. 62 00:02:40,285 --> 00:02:41,953 Come on, Mr. G. Let's roll. 63 00:02:41,953 --> 00:02:43,454 Oh! Oh, no. 64 00:02:43,454 --> 00:02:44,622 Ow! 65 00:02:44,622 --> 00:02:47,584 Moon, the lights have only been off for two seconds. Stop biting my legs. 66 00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:48,877 Fine. - Ow! 67 00:02:48,877 --> 00:02:50,879 Moon, not my beautiful butt! 68 00:02:51,921 --> 00:02:53,173 Captain on deck! 69 00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:54,674 Uh-oh, what's this going to be? 70 00:02:54,674 --> 00:02:57,093 Dad, may I be the first to say, sick fit. 71 00:02:57,093 --> 00:02:58,178 Thank you, Son. 72 00:02:58,178 --> 00:02:59,762 As Jerry noted earlier, 73 00:02:59,762 --> 00:03:03,433 during ice storms, blizzards and blackouts of all kinds, 74 00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:06,477 we Tobins have indeed been known to get a little... 75 00:03:06,477 --> 00:03:08,229 Big silly style in our head tanks. 76 00:03:08,229 --> 00:03:09,772 Beautifully said, Son. 77 00:03:09,772 --> 00:03:12,817 But it wasn't until the last one, when we had guests, 78 00:03:12,817 --> 00:03:15,820 that I realized how shameful our behavior is. 79 00:03:15,820 --> 00:03:20,408 So, as the captain of this family, I have come up with a foolproof plan. 80 00:03:20,408 --> 00:03:22,493 Okay. A plan could be good. 81 00:03:22,493 --> 00:03:27,165 During this storm, we will be dressing and acting according to the rules 82 00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:31,419 of the most efficiently regulated maritime organization in the world. 83 00:03:31,419 --> 00:03:33,254 The Royal British Navy. 84 00:03:35,757 --> 00:03:36,966 That's your idea? 85 00:03:36,966 --> 00:03:40,470 Well, you know the saying, "Any idea my dad has is perfect." 86 00:03:40,470 --> 00:03:43,014 There will be no chaos, no Moon Courts-- 87 00:03:43,014 --> 00:03:44,515 What's Moon Court? 88 00:03:44,515 --> 00:03:47,894 Oh, it's a court ruled over by a child, but all the adults take it seriously. 89 00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:48,895 Sustained. 90 00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:52,315 There will also be no eating of people, no eating of sweets-- 91 00:03:52,315 --> 00:03:53,524 What? 92 00:03:53,524 --> 00:03:56,069 - I mutiny. - Me too. That sucks, Dad. 93 00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,445 No mutinies allowed. 94 00:03:57,445 --> 00:03:59,989 Three healthy meals a day will be provided. 95 00:03:59,989 --> 00:04:02,825 Uh, Dad, you have been known to actually get 96 00:04:02,825 --> 00:04:05,870 the most Loggins in the Noggins of any of us. 97 00:04:05,870 --> 00:04:08,831 Yeah. Like when you became convinced you had, quote, unquote, 98 00:04:08,831 --> 00:04:12,293 "The same illness Tim Allen had in The Santa Clause." 99 00:04:12,293 --> 00:04:15,421 Or when you made us stay awake for 36 hours to avoid what you called, 100 00:04:15,421 --> 00:04:19,259 quote, unquote, "storm snakes," who, quote, unquote, "feed on sleep." 101 00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:22,470 Yes, during storms past, I let myself go crazy, 102 00:04:22,470 --> 00:04:26,349 but I assure you this plan will help me keep my mind right. 103 00:04:26,349 --> 00:04:29,519 The Tobin household is now a Royal British Navy vessel, 104 00:04:29,519 --> 00:04:32,355 call sign: HMS Perfect Family. 105 00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:35,149 I am her captain. Moon is her first mate. 106 00:04:35,149 --> 00:04:36,734 Don't try to butter me up. 107 00:04:36,734 --> 00:04:40,029 Judy, you're first "leuff-tenant," as the Brits say. 108 00:04:40,029 --> 00:04:41,614 Ham, second "leuff-tenant". 109 00:04:41,614 --> 00:04:43,783 Honeybee and Wolf, co-third "leuff-tenants." 110 00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:46,911 - Yes! I'm my dad's third. - Babe, uh-uh. 111 00:04:46,911 --> 00:04:48,288 And to make up for last time, 112 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:52,750 Jerry shall take on a comfortable role as my best friend and personal confidant. 113 00:04:52,750 --> 00:04:54,419 Fine. 114 00:04:54,419 --> 00:04:57,463 Golovkin, since you have lice, you will be a barrel boy. 115 00:04:57,463 --> 00:05:01,050 - And what is a barrel boy? - A diseased boy in a barrel. 116 00:05:01,050 --> 00:05:04,345 But since we have no barrel, you can ride this out in the brig. 117 00:05:04,345 --> 00:05:05,847 We should burn his clothes too. 118 00:05:05,847 --> 00:05:08,308 Fine by me. My whole outfit cost $3. 119 00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:12,145 Perfect. Jerry, I offer you this book and pen for recordkeeping. 120 00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:16,399 And I also offer you my reassurance that we will all act very normally 121 00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:18,109 for the duration of the storm. 122 00:05:18,109 --> 00:05:22,030 I do not believe you and, in fact, think you have already gone crazy. 123 00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:24,032 Well, I can't wait to prove you wrong. 124 00:05:24,032 --> 00:05:27,577 Welcome aboard the HMS Perfect Family, troops. 125 00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:29,746 The voyage begins upon my bell. 126 00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:31,122 Oh, "sail" yeah! 127 00:05:36,502 --> 00:05:40,048 Ah, what a fine, brisk day at sea, is it not, Jerry? 128 00:05:40,048 --> 00:05:42,425 Everything very calm, very normal. 129 00:05:42,425 --> 00:05:44,510 Yep, just one of those normal days 130 00:05:44,510 --> 00:05:47,180 dressing your children in jaunty little sailor outfits 131 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,931 and pretending the house is a ship. 132 00:05:48,931 --> 00:05:50,600 Dad, I don't want to get ahead of myself, 133 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:54,395 but so far this has been better than slowly descending into madness. 134 00:05:54,395 --> 00:05:57,815 See, I told you all that a little order would go a long way. 135 00:05:57,815 --> 00:06:01,736 Honestly, I was worried about you, Dad, but you know I love chores. 136 00:06:01,736 --> 00:06:04,739 And usually by now I'd have chugged two full bottles of maple syrup, 137 00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:07,658 and me and Judy would be fistfighting about who is the best Bachelor. 138 00:06:07,658 --> 00:06:10,078 - It was Brad Womack! - It's Lorenzo Borghese. 139 00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:11,204 This is why you're single. 140 00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:13,664 Borghese? More like "Barf-ghese." 141 00:06:13,664 --> 00:06:14,791 Speaking of barfing, 142 00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:19,045 I wouldn't mind getting my hands on all 48 of those Coddingham Creme Potatoes. 143 00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:22,298 Captain Father, shall we set a course to the Potato Creme Bay? 144 00:06:22,298 --> 00:06:25,134 We don't need sugar, First Mate Moon. We need structure. 145 00:06:25,134 --> 00:06:27,470 Jerry, take an entry into the captain's log. 146 00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:30,264 Day one aboard the HMS Perfect Family. 147 00:06:30,264 --> 00:06:33,476 We set sail mere hours ago and morale is high. 148 00:06:33,476 --> 00:06:38,398 No signs of slappy fights, scurvy, purple nurples, cannibalism or Moon Court. 149 00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:41,734 Even our louse-ridden barrel boy is well-cared-for. 150 00:06:41,734 --> 00:06:43,820 I dare say my plan is perfection. 151 00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:45,238 {\an8}Day two commences. 152 00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:48,825 The sailors happily enjoy a hearty breakfast of plain oatmeal 153 00:06:48,825 --> 00:06:51,411 and a refreshing glass of room-temperature water. 154 00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:54,372 Filling one and all with both vim and vigor. 155 00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:56,582 Meals are followed by exercise. 156 00:06:56,582 --> 00:06:59,377 The lunchtime rations of boiled chicken were generous, 157 00:06:59,377 --> 00:07:01,212 as were the spirits of the crew. 158 00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:04,424 I know this routine is supposed to keep our brains from turning to goo, 159 00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:07,468 but I'm starting to feel like one of those animals that runs on a wheel. 160 00:07:07,468 --> 00:07:09,512 - You know? Like a, uh-- - Hamster? 161 00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:12,014 - Yes, Judster? - No, I-- Never mind. 162 00:07:12,014 --> 00:07:13,975 Excuse me for a moment, sailors. 163 00:07:13,975 --> 00:07:16,727 I must prepare the afternoon's entertainment. 164 00:07:16,727 --> 00:07:17,979 I agree with Ham. 165 00:07:17,979 --> 00:07:21,023 All this boiled food and cleaning is not making me less restless. 166 00:07:21,023 --> 00:07:22,859 Don't worry, my cooped-up Catherine. 167 00:07:22,859 --> 00:07:25,486 Dad has absolutely everything under control. 168 00:07:25,486 --> 00:07:27,071 I don't think so. 169 00:07:27,071 --> 00:07:28,823 How dare you not think so! 170 00:07:28,823 --> 00:07:32,326 Guys, it is very obvious that your dad is slowly going mad. 171 00:07:32,326 --> 00:07:34,078 Like Dad, Dad? No. 172 00:07:34,078 --> 00:07:36,789 He's specifically not getting wobbled in his bauble. 173 00:07:36,789 --> 00:07:40,001 Haven't you ever seen Mutiny on the Bounty or-- or Cast Away? 174 00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:42,670 Your dad is seconds away from frenching a volleyball. 175 00:07:42,670 --> 00:07:45,798 - Maritime lecture, ahoy! - Uh-oh. 176 00:07:45,798 --> 00:07:49,135 Welcome sailors, to the Captain's Lecture Series. 177 00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:53,639 To properly swab, first thing you'll need is a bucket of hot, soapy water. 178 00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:55,766 You wanna dump your mop into the bucket. 179 00:07:55,766 --> 00:07:58,227 Soak up the hot, soapy water with a mop 180 00:07:58,227 --> 00:08:01,272 in a back-and-forth, swabbing-like fashion. 181 00:08:01,272 --> 00:08:05,234 ...your azimuth compass, and set your mop's course due north, 182 00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:06,777 - northeast, northwest. - This is pure teak, 183 00:08:06,777 --> 00:08:08,946 so you're gonna be sanding with a holystone... 184 00:08:08,946 --> 00:08:11,908 He's been lecturing us on swabbing for hours. 185 00:08:11,908 --> 00:08:14,035 He just keeps repeating himself. What is going on? 186 00:08:14,035 --> 00:08:16,454 Something to say, Lieutenant? 187 00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:17,872 Oh, uh, just, you know, 188 00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:20,791 there's a lot of swabbing information happening here, and I think we got it. 189 00:08:20,791 --> 00:08:23,961 Well, then, let's put our wet rags where our mouths are. 190 00:08:23,961 --> 00:08:28,424 In fact, tonight's meal will be delayed so that we can swab the walls, 191 00:08:28,424 --> 00:08:31,219 the countertops, the individual coins in the swear jar, 192 00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:33,054 - and the rafters. - Oh, boy. 193 00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:37,517 Guys, I think Golovkin was right. 194 00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:40,436 Maybe your dad is starting to go a little, uh, you know... 195 00:08:40,436 --> 00:08:41,687 Master and Bananas? 196 00:08:41,687 --> 00:08:43,689 I'm sure he has a very good reason 197 00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:45,525 for keeping a stuffed parrot on his shoulder 198 00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,527 and speaking with it and sometimes kissing it. 199 00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:49,695 What's that, Darius? 200 00:08:49,695 --> 00:08:51,822 Good one, my fine bird. 201 00:08:51,822 --> 00:08:55,117 Look, if Dad's getting a little loose in the brain caboose, 202 00:08:55,117 --> 00:08:56,911 maybe that's to our advantage. 203 00:08:56,911 --> 00:08:59,664 Father, on behalf of the crew, 204 00:08:59,664 --> 00:09:03,251 I am humbly requesting we each be allowed one small treat 205 00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:04,627 with our evening meal. 206 00:09:04,627 --> 00:09:06,921 Perhaps one of the Coddingham Creme Potatoes. 207 00:09:06,921 --> 00:09:09,799 Ship's historian, best friend and personal confidant. 208 00:09:09,799 --> 00:09:11,676 Yes. Shall I get the potatoes? 209 00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:13,803 No. Take a log/letter. 210 00:09:13,803 --> 00:09:15,304 Dear, First Mate Moon, 211 00:09:15,304 --> 00:09:16,681 request denied. 212 00:09:16,681 --> 00:09:17,848 You bastard. 213 00:09:17,848 --> 00:09:18,933 Come on, Dad. 214 00:09:18,933 --> 00:09:21,185 We've been trapped inside for 51 hours. 215 00:09:21,185 --> 00:09:24,480 Yeah. And all we're asking for is one tiny itty-bitty treat 216 00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,607 to get us through till the power comes back on. 217 00:09:26,607 --> 00:09:27,942 And also to get our phones back 218 00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:29,694 and not to do any more work and no more lectures. 219 00:09:29,694 --> 00:09:30,903 Absolutely not. 220 00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:33,823 This is my voyage, and we will stay this course. 221 00:09:33,823 --> 00:09:36,158 Told ya! Silence, Barrel Boy. 222 00:09:36,158 --> 00:09:39,954 I'm noticing that the trim around the baseboards of the ship is dirty. 223 00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:42,248 Let us clean it all before bedtime. 224 00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:47,128 Jerry, please go and get a pack of toothbrushes from the basement. 225 00:09:52,758 --> 00:09:53,843 What? What? 226 00:09:53,843 --> 00:09:56,178 Pirates of the Crap-ibbean, Curse of the What the Hell? 227 00:09:56,178 --> 00:09:58,180 Dad, it's 4:00 in the morning. 228 00:09:58,180 --> 00:09:59,724 It's time to scrub the galley. 229 00:10:01,058 --> 00:10:03,060 Jerry, take a log. 230 00:10:03,060 --> 00:10:05,229 Day three begins before dawn 231 00:10:05,229 --> 00:10:09,108 with all and sundry cheered by my buoyant leadership. 232 00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:15,489 The troops have pleased me today, 233 00:10:15,489 --> 00:10:18,451 and so Darius, my shoulder companion, 234 00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:21,662 encouraged me to reconsider my dessert edict. 235 00:10:21,662 --> 00:10:23,164 Yes. 236 00:10:25,124 --> 00:10:26,375 Dark chocolate? 237 00:10:26,375 --> 00:10:29,253 That's disgusting. It's basically a vegetable. 238 00:10:29,253 --> 00:10:30,921 Now, if you could all excuse me, 239 00:10:30,921 --> 00:10:33,549 I have a private captain's matter to attend to. 240 00:10:33,549 --> 00:10:37,261 Also please note that today when I was on the phone with Mrs. Claus, 241 00:10:37,261 --> 00:10:41,432 she told me the snow snakes are back, and they don't like smiles. 242 00:10:41,432 --> 00:10:43,684 So, just something to keep in mind. 243 00:10:43,684 --> 00:10:44,935 Okay, enough! 244 00:10:44,935 --> 00:10:47,480 That man is full melon in the cerebellum. 245 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,440 This ends now. 246 00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:53,152 Moon. What you doing, bud? You can't kill Dad. We've been over this. 247 00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,112 No. Oh, God. No. 248 00:10:55,112 --> 00:10:56,697 Dad! 249 00:10:56,697 --> 00:10:59,033 You sick son of a boat captain. 250 00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:01,827 You ate 48 candy potatoes? 251 00:11:01,827 --> 00:11:03,913 No, this isn't what it looks like. 252 00:11:03,913 --> 00:11:06,290 - I found them like this. - Save it, Dad. 253 00:11:06,290 --> 00:11:09,001 I'm afraid you've been caught brown-handed. 254 00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:10,419 While your crew goes hungry, 255 00:11:10,419 --> 00:11:13,130 you're gorging yourself on Coddingham Creme Potatoes, 256 00:11:13,130 --> 00:11:16,300 only available on another continent or the potato dark web? 257 00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:18,386 I didn't eat them. I swear. 258 00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:20,846 I only came down here to grab more swab supplies. 259 00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:24,600 I thought after your dessert, we could swab each other and the snakes. 260 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:27,103 And Mrs. Claus could use a swabbing, if I'm honest. 261 00:11:27,103 --> 00:11:31,190 Captain, we are relieving you of your duties effective immediately. 262 00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:32,942 What? You can't mean-- 263 00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:34,819 Oh, we can mean! 264 00:11:34,819 --> 00:11:37,697 You say potato, we say "mutiny-ta-ta-to." 265 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:41,117 And you know what? I believe that I would actually like to press charges. 266 00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:42,451 Me too! And I! 267 00:11:42,451 --> 00:11:46,831 You may have kept us from going mad, but not from getting mad. 268 00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:50,084 You said no Moon Court, but you didn't say no Moon Court-martial. 269 00:11:50,084 --> 00:11:52,586 You better lawyer up, pal. 270 00:11:52,586 --> 00:11:54,839 Darius, don't say another word. 271 00:11:57,925 --> 00:12:00,177 Order! Order! 272 00:12:00,177 --> 00:12:03,597 This special court-martial tribunal is now called to order. 273 00:12:03,597 --> 00:12:06,976 {\an8}I recognize the plaintiffs-- Ham, Judy and Wolf Tobin-- 274 00:12:06,976 --> 00:12:10,438 {\an8}who are the victims of the defendant, Captain Beef Tenderloin Tobin, 275 00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:11,981 who is guilty. 276 00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:14,525 {\an8}You can't say I'm guilty before the trial starts. 277 00:12:14,525 --> 00:12:17,528 Overruled. Who will represent the plaintiffs in this case? 278 00:12:17,528 --> 00:12:19,405 - I will, Your Honor. - Sustained. 279 00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:22,700 And who will represent this disgusting potato hog, 280 00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:24,994 who is the worst and very guilty? 281 00:12:24,994 --> 00:12:26,078 Case dismissed. 282 00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:27,872 No one? All right. 283 00:12:27,872 --> 00:12:30,249 I shall proceed with the sentencing to death. 284 00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:32,585 Come on, somebody. Jerry, please. 285 00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:34,295 All right. 286 00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:37,965 Court Stenographer Diseased Barrel Boy, please read the charges. 287 00:12:37,965 --> 00:12:39,967 {\an8}"Captain Beef Tobin stands here accused 288 00:12:39,967 --> 00:12:42,887 {\an8}of being a nasty little potato hog, oink oink." 289 00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:44,472 - Sustained. - Judge Moon. 290 00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:46,974 If it pleases the court, I have something to say. 291 00:12:46,974 --> 00:12:48,350 I'll allow it, Barrel Boy. 292 00:12:48,350 --> 00:12:49,935 I feel the need to point out 293 00:12:49,935 --> 00:12:52,730 that it is usually the mutineers who are court-martialed 294 00:12:52,730 --> 00:12:53,856 and not the captain. 295 00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:55,399 Hmm. Is that so? 296 00:12:55,399 --> 00:12:57,943 Well, if you're such a huge fan of the captain, 297 00:12:57,943 --> 00:13:00,613 why don't you join him as a defendant? 298 00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:01,781 Wait. What? 299 00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:03,991 You are hereby charged with being pretentious, 300 00:13:03,991 --> 00:13:05,951 - and a teacher at my school. - Sustained! 301 00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:08,662 Please sit right next to my father. Same chair. 302 00:13:08,662 --> 00:13:09,955 But he has lice. 303 00:13:09,955 --> 00:13:11,582 Oh, is that so? 304 00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:15,795 Well, a trial on that matter will be set on the "dumbteenth" of stupid. 305 00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:17,213 But who will be the stenographer? 306 00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:18,547 I'll do it. 307 00:13:18,547 --> 00:13:19,632 A stowaway. 308 00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,467 Aunt Dirt, where the hell did you come from? 309 00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:24,678 Oh, I came over to the main house right after the blizzard started. 310 00:13:24,678 --> 00:13:26,597 But when I peeked my head into the kitchen 311 00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:29,809 and saw everyone was doing chores dressed as Scientologists, 312 00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,936 I decided just to hide in the panic room. 313 00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:35,648 I had my gun, my flask, my backup flask, so I was all set. 314 00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:37,691 But the flasks ran out, and this seems kind of fun. 315 00:13:37,691 --> 00:13:39,276 - So now I'm in. - Sustained. 316 00:13:39,276 --> 00:13:42,112 Aunt Dirt is recognized as the court stenographer 317 00:13:42,112 --> 00:13:43,489 and also the jury. 318 00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:46,242 Motion to also be a publicly intoxicated loudmouth? 319 00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:47,451 So granted. 320 00:13:47,451 --> 00:13:49,620 Yeehaw, Your Highness. 321 00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:51,914 If there are no further motions at this time, 322 00:13:51,914 --> 00:13:55,543 the trial of Beef Tenderloin Tobin for being a horrible captain 323 00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:58,796 and nasty spud piggy is called to order. 324 00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:03,259 {\an8}Counselor Honeybee, your opening statement, please. 325 00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:05,177 {\an8}Your Honor, gentlelady of the jury... 326 00:14:05,177 --> 00:14:08,055 - Present. - ...let me begin by asking you a question. 327 00:14:08,055 --> 00:14:10,349 What do we mean when we say "potato pig"? 328 00:14:10,349 --> 00:14:13,018 Webster's defines "filthy potato pig" as follows. 329 00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:16,188 A man with a red beard and no soul 330 00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:18,440 who used an ice storm to starve and torture 331 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,026 his own children, their gorgeous wives... 332 00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:22,444 Guilty as described. 333 00:14:22,444 --> 00:14:25,406 ...the gorgeous wife's extremely nice brother, Jerry, 334 00:14:25,406 --> 00:14:27,575 who would never hurt anyone in this world, 335 00:14:27,575 --> 00:14:28,868 - and him. - Hey. 336 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,495 And while I sometimes say, "I rest my case," just for fun, 337 00:14:31,495 --> 00:14:33,289 in this case, I do rest my case, 338 00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:36,083 because every single person in this room except Aunt Dirt 339 00:14:36,083 --> 00:14:39,962 saw this little potato piggy, Beef Tobin, down on all fours 340 00:14:39,962 --> 00:14:42,923 just pigging those potatoes, slurping that potato slop 341 00:14:42,923 --> 00:14:44,550 in his little piggy style-- 342 00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:46,385 - Objection. - On what grounds? 343 00:14:46,385 --> 00:14:47,761 I didn't do it. 344 00:14:47,761 --> 00:14:49,763 You should've thought of that before you did it. 345 00:14:49,763 --> 00:14:52,516 So, in conclusion, this little piggy went to the basement, 346 00:14:52,516 --> 00:14:53,976 this little piggy ate chocolates, 347 00:14:53,976 --> 00:14:56,979 and those Coddingham Creme Potatoes went "wee, wee, wee" 348 00:14:56,979 --> 00:14:58,772 all the way to his stomach. 349 00:14:58,772 --> 00:15:01,734 In your face, and I do rest my case. 350 00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:04,737 Your Honor, may I approach the bench to kiss my wife? 351 00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:08,282 Overruled. Jerry, your opening and closing statements, please. 352 00:15:10,367 --> 00:15:12,745 I call to the "opening and closing statement" stand 353 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,204 Captain Beef Tobin. 354 00:15:14,204 --> 00:15:17,416 Objection. He can't call a witness during his opening statement. 355 00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:18,792 That's hearsay, Your Honor. 356 00:15:18,792 --> 00:15:20,002 Huh. I'll allow it. 357 00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:22,254 Dad, please take the witness stand. 358 00:15:22,254 --> 00:15:26,008 Now. Beef, you are, in fact just a man. Is that right? 359 00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:27,760 - Guilty. - Objection. 360 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,595 I'll render the verdicts around here. 361 00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:30,679 Sustained. 362 00:15:30,679 --> 00:15:32,932 And like any other man, you like chocolates, 363 00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:35,517 particularly novelty chocolates. Is that right? 364 00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:39,104 I've been known to dabble with the devil in the brown dress. Yes. 365 00:15:39,104 --> 00:15:41,774 And so you, as you admitted, just a man, 366 00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:43,859 had been at sea for three days, 367 00:15:43,859 --> 00:15:46,195 burdened with overwhelming responsibilities 368 00:15:46,195 --> 00:15:47,446 and an ungrateful crew. 369 00:15:47,446 --> 00:15:48,906 - Is that right? - Indeed. 370 00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:51,200 I was simply trying to keep us all sane, 371 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,701 even though Santa bit me, 372 00:15:52,701 --> 00:15:55,412 and I'm slowly becoming him, like Timothy Allen. 373 00:15:55,412 --> 00:15:58,082 Darius was so worried. 374 00:15:58,082 --> 00:15:59,416 Of course he was. 375 00:15:59,416 --> 00:16:02,503 He's going for the insanity defense. Ah. Brilliant. 376 00:16:02,503 --> 00:16:04,213 And under that kind of pressure, 377 00:16:04,213 --> 00:16:07,174 you went down to the basement to get the swabbing supplies. 378 00:16:07,174 --> 00:16:10,260 But then there it was, an unopened box 379 00:16:10,260 --> 00:16:13,347 of four dozen Coddingham Creme Potatoes. 380 00:16:13,347 --> 00:16:16,600 So you thought, "What could be the harm? I'll just have one." 381 00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:17,893 But they were so good-- 382 00:16:17,893 --> 00:16:21,105 just the right balance of chocolate and minty creme filling 383 00:16:21,105 --> 00:16:22,439 to soothe a warped mind-- 384 00:16:22,439 --> 00:16:24,274 that you just kept going back. 385 00:16:24,274 --> 00:16:26,026 You didn't wanna do it. No, you did not. 386 00:16:26,026 --> 00:16:27,945 But you were insane from the storm 387 00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:31,198 and from trying to take care of all these insubordinate scallywags. 388 00:16:31,198 --> 00:16:33,951 Scallywags, please murmur angrily. 389 00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,122 These sailors you trusted, 390 00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:40,290 that you loved like they were your own children, 391 00:16:40,290 --> 00:16:42,292 well, they hurt you, didn't they, Captain Tobin? 392 00:16:42,292 --> 00:16:43,544 - Didn't they? - Yes. 393 00:16:43,544 --> 00:16:45,045 It makes me sick. 394 00:16:45,045 --> 00:16:48,090 They swabbed the deck, but they couldn't swab their own hearts. 395 00:16:48,757 --> 00:16:52,928 In closing, you must find Beef Tobin not guilty by reason of insanity. 396 00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:55,180 Who could blame this sad shell of a man 397 00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:57,516 for seeking out a little bit of chocolate-covered joy 398 00:16:57,516 --> 00:16:59,226 in this crazy, snowed-in world? 399 00:16:59,226 --> 00:17:00,686 I know I can't. I won't! 400 00:17:02,104 --> 00:17:06,025 It's like the Leprechaun's Limerick inscribed upon the Creme Potato says, 401 00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:08,986 "Potatoes are the root vegetable of all happiness." 402 00:17:08,986 --> 00:17:11,113 And I do rest my case. 403 00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:13,866 I'm so sorry, Potato Papa. 404 00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:15,909 We're gonna get you the help you need. 405 00:17:15,909 --> 00:17:17,244 Damn it. Jerry's good. 406 00:17:17,244 --> 00:17:19,079 We will now move on to sentencing. 407 00:17:19,079 --> 00:17:22,207 Moon, wait. I have new evidence. I know who ate the potatoes. 408 00:17:22,207 --> 00:17:23,959 It was you, Jerry. 409 00:17:23,959 --> 00:17:25,836 No, d-don't listen to this man! 410 00:17:25,836 --> 00:17:27,629 Three days ago, when the potatoes came, 411 00:17:27,629 --> 00:17:29,965 Jerry said he'd never seen one before. 412 00:17:29,965 --> 00:17:32,593 The only way he would know about the Leprechaun's Limerick 413 00:17:32,593 --> 00:17:34,595 would be if he ate the potatoes himself. 414 00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:35,846 Oh, dang. 415 00:17:35,846 --> 00:17:36,930 Order, order! 416 00:17:36,930 --> 00:17:39,975 Order me some popcorn, 'cause this is gettin' good. 417 00:17:43,937 --> 00:17:45,314 The trial of Jerry Shaw 418 00:17:45,314 --> 00:17:49,443 for stealing and eating Coddingham Creme Potatoes is now in session. 419 00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:50,736 Jerry, how do you plead? 420 00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:51,987 Not guilty. 421 00:17:51,987 --> 00:17:55,991 I'm Jerry. As was stated earlier, I never do anything wrong. 422 00:17:55,991 --> 00:17:57,659 Liar! Murderer! 423 00:17:57,659 --> 00:17:59,369 Judy, don't. It's not worth it. 424 00:17:59,369 --> 00:18:01,080 That's not how we get justice. 425 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,998 Who will be representing Mr. Shaw? 426 00:18:02,998 --> 00:18:05,584 I'll take the case, but if it pleases the court, 427 00:18:05,584 --> 00:18:07,669 I'll be pretending to be my favorite lawyer, 428 00:18:07,669 --> 00:18:10,798 the lead character from the 1961 TV show, 429 00:18:10,798 --> 00:18:13,050 Shirley Dunn, Lady Lawyer With a Gun. 430 00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:16,303 She waves her gun around a lot and occasionally shoots a juror. 431 00:18:16,303 --> 00:18:18,555 Court is pleased. Continue. 432 00:18:18,555 --> 00:18:20,057 Honeybee, your opening statement. 433 00:18:20,057 --> 00:18:23,060 Oh, uh, same statements as before but about my brother this time. 434 00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:25,229 Very good. Lady Lawyer, you're up. 435 00:18:25,854 --> 00:18:27,940 The defense rests. 436 00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,525 Hey, you're supposed to defend me. 437 00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:32,319 No can do, buckaroo. I saw you eating those potatoes. 438 00:18:32,319 --> 00:18:34,863 The court will now gasp. 439 00:18:34,863 --> 00:18:39,076 Last night, I went down to the basement looking for cigarettes and nudie mags, 440 00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:40,410 and that's when I saw... 441 00:18:40,410 --> 00:18:42,579 Toothbrushes, toothbrushes. 442 00:18:42,579 --> 00:18:46,125 {\an8}Ooh, well, top of the morning to me. 443 00:18:48,585 --> 00:18:50,838 You all think I'm so sweet. 444 00:18:50,838 --> 00:18:55,384 Perfect little angel baby Jerry would never eat a stolen candy potato. 445 00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:58,512 That's how I got away with it for so long. 446 00:18:58,512 --> 00:18:59,930 It wasn't that long. 447 00:18:59,930 --> 00:19:01,849 I did it because of him! 448 00:19:01,849 --> 00:19:05,185 Beef, you promised me a better Tobin snowed-in experience. 449 00:19:05,185 --> 00:19:06,979 And this was not that. 450 00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:09,940 I was just sitting around taking your logs 451 00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:13,861 while you slowly went bonkers in every single tonker you possess. 452 00:19:13,861 --> 00:19:16,905 Yes, I ate the potatoes with my actual mouth, 453 00:19:16,905 --> 00:19:19,408 but I was driven to do it by Beef. 454 00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:21,869 They might as well be swimming around in his tummy. 455 00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:24,913 I'm not guilty by reason of Beef being a bad captain. 456 00:19:24,913 --> 00:19:27,291 And in closing, I put Beef back on trial. 457 00:19:27,291 --> 00:19:28,709 He is guilty. The end. 458 00:19:28,709 --> 00:19:30,544 - So ordered. - What? 459 00:19:31,211 --> 00:19:33,589 {\an8}Honeybee, your opening and closing statements. 460 00:19:33,589 --> 00:19:36,133 Same statement as last time and the other time, but about Beef again. 461 00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:37,593 In your face, and I rest my case. 462 00:19:37,593 --> 00:19:40,262 Will anyone defend my father, the potato pig? 463 00:19:40,262 --> 00:19:42,389 - I will act as my own counsel. - Proceed. 464 00:19:42,389 --> 00:19:43,473 Yes, I admit it. 465 00:19:43,473 --> 00:19:46,310 This was probably the most crazy I ever acted. 466 00:19:46,310 --> 00:19:48,812 In fact, I was probably literally nuts 467 00:19:48,812 --> 00:19:51,356 from the moment I came in here in my little white suit. 468 00:19:51,356 --> 00:19:52,691 I knew it! 469 00:19:52,691 --> 00:19:55,319 And I do in fact sentence myself to death. 470 00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:56,403 So granted. 471 00:19:56,403 --> 00:19:59,823 But before I walk the plank, I must make my real confession. 472 00:19:59,823 --> 00:20:02,910 I told a rank and abhorrent lie a few days ago, 473 00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:05,996 and I cannot die with that sin upon my soul. 474 00:20:05,996 --> 00:20:09,499 There are in fact a whole bunch more potatoes in the basement 475 00:20:09,499 --> 00:20:11,460 that I was hoarding for myself, and I cannot-- 476 00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:14,213 Court adjourned. Aunt Dirt, shoot anyone who follows me. 477 00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:16,757 Consider it done. Shirley Dunn. 478 00:20:16,757 --> 00:20:19,718 - Moon, don't you dare eat those potatoes. - Damn it. I'm out of bullets. 479 00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:21,220 Get him, everybody! Get him! 480 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:23,055 Moon, get back here! 481 00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:25,432 Don't think I won't bite a child! Give me those potatoes! 482 00:20:25,432 --> 00:20:27,726 Oop. Hey, power's back on. 483 00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:29,228 I definitely still have lice. 484 00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:30,854 I believe we all do. 485 00:20:31,521 --> 00:20:36,526 Well, it seems my British Royal Navy idea worked pretty well after all. 486 00:20:36,526 --> 00:20:38,987 Beef, respectfully, what the hell are you talking about? 487 00:20:38,987 --> 00:20:41,114 No one died, no one ate anyone, 488 00:20:41,114 --> 00:20:43,158 and the house is very clean. 489 00:20:43,158 --> 00:20:44,660 Pretty good. Right, guys? 490 00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:46,745 Oh, yeah, Dad. Best storm yet. 491 00:20:46,745 --> 00:20:47,955 Terrific. 492 00:20:47,955 --> 00:20:51,416 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go see how the elves are doing. 493 00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:55,170 It's only a few days till Christmas, and we are way behind on wooden ducks. 494 00:20:55,170 --> 00:20:57,798 - Dad, please go lie down. - You got it. 495 00:20:57,798 --> 00:21:00,842 Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, everybody. 496 00:21:00,842 --> 00:21:02,928 Storm snake's gonna get you. 497 00:21:04,012 --> 00:21:06,014 {\an8}♪ Stay away from slumber ♪ 498 00:21:06,014 --> 00:21:07,307 {\an8}♪ Storm snakes ♪ 499 00:21:07,808 --> 00:21:09,851 {\an8}♪ They're gonna bring that thunder ♪ 500 00:21:09,851 --> 00:21:11,687 {\an8}♪ They feast on REM and lemonade ♪ 501 00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:13,272 {\an8}♪ So stay awake and be afraid ♪ 502 00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:14,940 ♪ Storm snakes ♪ 503 00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:16,775 {\an8}♪ Making normies quake ♪ 504 00:21:16,775 --> 00:21:18,026 ♪ Storm snakes ♪ 505 00:21:18,026 --> 00:21:19,695 ♪ Priests doing double takes ♪ 506 00:21:20,946 --> 00:21:22,197 {\an8}♪ Tuck yourself in ♪ 507 00:21:22,197 --> 00:21:24,074 {\an8}♪ And kiss your kids goodbye ♪ 508 00:21:24,074 --> 00:21:27,452 {\an8}♪ From the depths of the sky They're gonna rain down ♪ 509 00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:30,872 {\an8}♪ Their scales are made of fury And their screams are made of sounds ♪ 510 00:21:30,872 --> 00:21:32,457 {\an8}♪ Storm snakes ♪