1 00:00:01,577 --> 00:00:04,319 -♪ Look up there ♪ -♪ What do you see? ♪ 2 00:00:04,413 --> 00:00:05,912 ♪ Nature and stuff ♪ 3 00:00:06,065 --> 00:00:07,172 -♪ Like a rock ♪ -♪ And a tree ♪ 4 00:00:07,399 --> 00:00:10,009 ♪ Oh, the Great North ♪ 5 00:00:10,236 --> 00:00:13,737 ♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪ 6 00:00:13,830 --> 00:00:14,905 ♪ Catch some fish ♪ 7 00:00:14,998 --> 00:00:16,573 ♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪ 8 00:00:16,592 --> 00:00:17,665 ♪ Wow ♪ 9 00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:21,169 ♪ Oh, the Great North ♪ 10 00:00:21,263 --> 00:00:22,354 ♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪ 11 00:00:22,506 --> 00:00:24,023 ♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪ 12 00:00:24,174 --> 00:00:25,599 ♪ From longest night to longest day ♪ 13 00:00:25,768 --> 00:00:29,528 ♪ In the Great North. ♪ 14 00:00:31,365 --> 00:00:33,181 [cheering] 15 00:00:34,518 --> 00:00:36,593 [Beef] Guys, I hope you're ready for some big breakfast news 16 00:00:36,612 --> 00:00:40,097 because the scab on my knee finally came off, and I realized 17 00:00:40,115 --> 00:00:41,948 it was actually a tiny piece of beef jerky. 18 00:00:42,043 --> 00:00:45,118 What an absolutely perfect thing to hear when I am eating bacon. 19 00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:48,272 And does anyone else have something they'd like to share? 20 00:00:48,365 --> 00:00:50,107 Some big news? Maybe Ham? 21 00:00:50,125 --> 00:00:51,275 [gasps] Dad! 22 00:00:51,368 --> 00:00:52,718 Come on, son, you should be proud. 23 00:00:52,945 --> 00:00:54,386 Okay, well, it's no big deal, 24 00:00:54,538 --> 00:00:56,113 but you know that cake competition 25 00:00:56,131 --> 00:00:57,705 Stodgy Roger's Crumb Off? 26 00:00:57,800 --> 00:00:59,116 Can confidently say 27 00:00:59,134 --> 00:01:00,225 -I do not. -Really? 28 00:01:00,377 --> 00:01:01,618 It's always on those online lists of 29 00:01:01,711 --> 00:01:02,636 top ten cake competitions 30 00:01:02,788 --> 00:01:04,805 in the subarctic zone. 31 00:01:04,957 --> 00:01:06,381 And I got in. 32 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:07,715 Bake a leg, Ham. 33 00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:09,309 Make sure you bring the part they don't eat home. 34 00:01:09,461 --> 00:01:11,386 And it's this weekend in New Fork. 35 00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:13,313 -Hold up, New Fork?! -What's New Fork? 36 00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:15,816 Oh, Honeybee, it's a nearby town they converted 37 00:01:15,968 --> 00:01:17,409 to look like a little Parisian city. 38 00:01:17,561 --> 00:01:19,636 They have a replica of the Eiffel Tower that's 39 00:01:19,638 --> 00:01:22,897 a replica of the replica of the Eiffel Tower in Vegas. 40 00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:24,975 Oh, I'd love to go see it and, uh, 41 00:01:25,068 --> 00:01:27,477 see some of Ham's Baking Bonanza thing. 42 00:01:27,571 --> 00:01:30,572 A trip to New Fork really sparks my interest. 43 00:01:30,666 --> 00:01:33,408 -So you guys want to come? -Of course they do. 44 00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:34,909 Tell 'em what you're making, son. 45 00:01:35,078 --> 00:01:36,820 Well, this year's competition theme 46 00:01:36,989 --> 00:01:39,172 is Alaskan Landmarks, so I'll be making 47 00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:41,491 Horn E. Stewart's Honkytonk. 48 00:01:41,510 --> 00:01:43,660 You know, the dive bar near Fairbanks? 49 00:01:43,829 --> 00:01:45,086 This is actually perfect timing. 50 00:01:45,180 --> 00:01:46,830 I've been looking for a splashy 51 00:01:46,923 --> 00:01:48,089 subject for the documentary I need 52 00:01:48,183 --> 00:01:49,608 to make for my Mixed Media class. 53 00:01:49,759 --> 00:01:51,501 I'll call it My Octopus Baker. 54 00:01:51,595 --> 00:01:53,687 Ham, quick question, would you be willing to 55 00:01:53,763 --> 00:01:55,948 dress as an octopus, fall in love with me, and then die? 56 00:01:56,099 --> 00:01:59,176 Um, no? But I'd still love for you to come. 57 00:01:59,269 --> 00:02:00,619 And, um, just to warn you guys, 58 00:02:00,770 --> 00:02:02,346 while this is Alaska's premier 59 00:02:02,364 --> 00:02:04,439 baking showcase, it will be a long day 60 00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:06,291 and you don't get to eat any cake till the end. 61 00:02:06,518 --> 00:02:07,701 So if you don't want to come, hey, 62 00:02:07,853 --> 00:02:08,776 you know, it's no big deal. 63 00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:09,870 -[Dirt] Great. -[all gasp] 64 00:02:10,038 --> 00:02:11,371 Aunt Dirt, we've asked you 65 00:02:11,448 --> 00:02:12,856 so many times to please stop 66 00:02:12,949 --> 00:02:14,449 sneaking up on us at breakfast. 67 00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:17,043 And I've told you so many times that it's who I am. 68 00:02:17,196 --> 00:02:18,362 [belches] Sorry. 69 00:02:18,455 --> 00:02:20,121 I ate a chipmunk on my way over. 70 00:02:20,215 --> 00:02:21,715 There are no chipmunks in Alaska. 71 00:02:21,867 --> 00:02:24,701 Well, I ate something, and it squeaked the whole way down. 72 00:02:24,870 --> 00:02:26,478 [Kyle] She's right over here, 73 00:02:26,630 --> 00:02:28,205 but I got to warn you, she's a little rough. 74 00:02:28,207 --> 00:02:29,982 That's all right. We just need a vehicle 75 00:02:30,209 --> 00:02:31,483 big enough for Ham's cake. 76 00:02:31,635 --> 00:02:34,544 The cakes for this competition are huge showstoppers. 77 00:02:34,563 --> 00:02:37,305 I mean, the show won't stop, but it will be tempted. 78 00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:39,883 Here she is. I call her Sloppy Susan. 79 00:02:39,902 --> 00:02:42,886 She was a Hollywood Star Tour that spotted John Lithgow. 80 00:02:42,905 --> 00:02:44,571 Followed his car all the way to Alaska. 81 00:02:44,723 --> 00:02:46,498 Sloppy Susan here has got a lot of problems, 82 00:02:46,650 --> 00:02:47,666 but don't we all? 83 00:02:47,893 --> 00:02:49,409 Bathroom doesn't work, her brakes are shot, 84 00:02:49,561 --> 00:02:51,395 you'll have to jump her to get her started, 85 00:02:51,413 --> 00:02:53,079 and then I wouldn't stop until you get there. 86 00:02:53,174 --> 00:02:54,231 What do you think, Ham? 87 00:02:54,249 --> 00:02:56,508 As Julia Child famously said, 88 00:02:56,660 --> 00:02:58,010 "I love this bus." 89 00:02:58,161 --> 00:02:59,344 Thank you all for coming 90 00:02:59,496 --> 00:03:01,588 to our New Fork transportation safety meeting. 91 00:03:01,740 --> 00:03:04,016 Ooh, exciting. This is like in Ocean's Eleven when 92 00:03:04,167 --> 00:03:05,017 they lay out the heist plan. 93 00:03:05,244 --> 00:03:06,334 I'll be driving, and since 94 00:03:06,503 --> 00:03:07,835 the cake won't fit on the first floor, 95 00:03:07,930 --> 00:03:10,080 Wolf, Honeybee, Moon and Aunt Dirt, 96 00:03:10,098 --> 00:03:12,524 you'll be upstairs with Ham bracing the cake. 97 00:03:12,634 --> 00:03:14,860 Wasn't listening, don't care, but sounds good. 98 00:03:15,011 --> 00:03:17,362 Now, the road to New Fork is fairly smooth, 99 00:03:17,514 --> 00:03:19,531 but winter may have produced new potholes 100 00:03:19,683 --> 00:03:21,942 and obstacles, so we should keep an eye out for those, 101 00:03:22,094 --> 00:03:25,095 and this bus can slow but should not stop. 102 00:03:25,113 --> 00:03:27,447 So here's the plan. Here's our bus. 103 00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:32,436 We're gonna start it up and... drive to New Fork carefully. 104 00:03:32,454 --> 00:03:34,604 Great visuals. Feels like I'm there. 105 00:03:34,623 --> 00:03:36,790 Oh, so it's actually more like the movie Speed, 106 00:03:36,959 --> 00:03:38,199 only without speed, and Sandra Bullock is 107 00:03:38,293 --> 00:03:39,885 -a big honkin' cake. -Yes. 108 00:03:39,962 --> 00:03:42,387 And we'll leave at noon sharp, allowing a generous four hours 109 00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:44,965 to make the two-hour drive to New Fork. 110 00:03:45,059 --> 00:03:47,041 -Sound good, Ham? -Guys, don't worry about it. 111 00:03:47,119 --> 00:03:49,711 Noon is fine. Or noon-ish. No big deal. 112 00:03:49,805 --> 00:03:52,231 We could get there even faster if we took the shortcut down 113 00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:54,140 Dead Man's Violent Death Road. 114 00:03:54,293 --> 00:03:56,793 As the name implies, that road tends to really 115 00:03:56,812 --> 00:03:58,645 ice over and is quite curvy. 116 00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:01,222 I don't want to take any chances with Ham's creation. 117 00:04:01,242 --> 00:04:02,799 Better safe than sorry. 118 00:04:02,818 --> 00:04:04,225 Ooh, Dad, can you, uh, say that line again, 119 00:04:04,245 --> 00:04:05,635 but just this time right into camera? 120 00:04:05,729 --> 00:04:06,745 Like, right down the barrel. 121 00:04:06,896 --> 00:04:08,247 Feels like a fun trailer moment. 122 00:04:08,398 --> 00:04:10,582 Well, you know cameras give me crazy anxiety, 123 00:04:10,809 --> 00:04:12,900 and I often fart, but I'll give it a shot. 124 00:04:13,069 --> 00:04:14,327 Better safe than sorry. 125 00:04:14,404 --> 00:04:15,254 -[farts] -[Dirt] Beef. 126 00:04:15,330 --> 00:04:16,255 If you want to go again, 127 00:04:16,482 --> 00:04:18,632 I will need to change my pants. 128 00:04:19,576 --> 00:04:20,650 Ham, how you doing? 129 00:04:20,669 --> 00:04:21,985 In over your head and all 130 00:04:22,078 --> 00:04:23,169 -out of answers? -What? 131 00:04:23,322 --> 00:04:24,579 No! I'm really excited. 132 00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:26,298 My whole family is finally coming to support me 133 00:04:26,525 --> 00:04:28,600 at one of my competitions and see me in action? 134 00:04:28,827 --> 00:04:31,252 This must be how the Olsen twins felt from ages 135 00:04:31,346 --> 00:04:33,921 zero to 18, and then never again. 136 00:04:33,999 --> 00:04:35,941 Okay, okay, but don't you feel extremely 137 00:04:36,092 --> 00:04:37,851 anxious about transporting a six-foot cake 138 00:04:38,003 --> 00:04:40,279 across Alaska's barren wasteland? 139 00:04:40,430 --> 00:04:41,838 I mean, isn't that affecting you? 140 00:04:41,931 --> 00:04:43,840 I mean, I trust Dad to drive safely. 141 00:04:43,859 --> 00:04:46,510 And we're gonna have four people guarding it at all times. 142 00:04:46,512 --> 00:04:49,029 Hmm. And where are all those people? 143 00:04:49,181 --> 00:04:51,031 Weren't you supposed to leave an hour ago? 144 00:04:51,183 --> 00:04:52,682 Is your family always this late? 145 00:04:52,701 --> 00:04:54,851 Uh, well, I'm sure they'll be here any minute. No big deal. 146 00:04:54,870 --> 00:04:57,203 Ugh. Listen, I love your whole beleaguered son vibe, 147 00:04:57,280 --> 00:05:00,299 but could you please Vanderpump it up a little bit? 148 00:05:00,450 --> 00:05:02,709 Would it kill you to call a family member the meanest word 149 00:05:02,861 --> 00:05:05,137 you can think of? This is my grade on the line, Ham. 150 00:05:05,288 --> 00:05:08,140 Hey, ogre here! [laughs] 151 00:05:08,291 --> 00:05:09,975 Two Shreks on deck, and we're ready to roll. 152 00:05:10,126 --> 00:05:11,568 Oh, hi, guys. Uh... 153 00:05:11,570 --> 00:05:13,537 -why are you dressed that way? -Oh, well... 154 00:05:13,630 --> 00:05:15,055 I was Bing-ing New Fork attractions, 155 00:05:15,149 --> 00:05:17,207 and I found a Shrek appreciation society there. 156 00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:19,651 As luck would have it, they're hosting a Group Shrek 157 00:05:19,803 --> 00:05:22,546 event today, so we thought we'd pop over during that boring part 158 00:05:22,564 --> 00:05:24,731 of the competition you mentioned and then come right back. 159 00:05:24,883 --> 00:05:26,049 Oh. Sure. 160 00:05:26,142 --> 00:05:27,141 Okay. No big deal. 161 00:05:27,161 --> 00:05:28,976 -Honeybee, push me. -[grunts] 162 00:05:29,071 --> 00:05:30,311 Good morning, family. 163 00:05:30,331 --> 00:05:32,739 Dad, why do you look so tired? 164 00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:35,575 I'm fine. I was just up all night doing a... 165 00:05:35,727 --> 00:05:38,003 -very important thing. -[Judy] Really, Dad? 'Cause... 166 00:05:38,154 --> 00:05:39,746 I set up my camera to get some B-roll shots overnight, 167 00:05:39,898 --> 00:05:43,567 and I have you on film bingeing a TV show at 3:00 a.m. 168 00:05:43,585 --> 00:05:46,011 Mm. Mm-hmm. Oh, my. 169 00:05:46,088 --> 00:05:49,406 Okay, yes, I did get drawn into a reality show. 170 00:05:49,424 --> 00:05:51,350 The night before the biggest competition of my life? 171 00:05:51,577 --> 00:05:52,576 [weak laugh] 172 00:05:52,594 --> 00:05:54,519 Okay, well, no big deal, I guess. 173 00:05:54,671 --> 00:05:57,672 Don't worry, Ham, I slept for 14 minutes and had 174 00:05:57,691 --> 00:06:01,175 eight cups of coffee, so now I am ready to die. 175 00:06:01,195 --> 00:06:02,844 -I think you mean "drive." -That's the one. 176 00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:04,421 [Dirt] Top o' the morning, nimrods. 177 00:06:04,514 --> 00:06:06,423 -Shotgun! -[Judy] Uh, Aunt Dirt, 178 00:06:06,441 --> 00:06:08,033 what's in the gigantic mysterious bag? 179 00:06:08,184 --> 00:06:11,111 Some baby carrots. Mind your own business. Let's ride. 180 00:06:11,263 --> 00:06:12,537 [Ham] Wolf, Honeybee, 181 00:06:12,689 --> 00:06:13,872 come on top to brace. 182 00:06:14,099 --> 00:06:16,190 Oh, uh, sorry, Ham, it seems that we cannot 183 00:06:16,210 --> 00:06:17,617 get up the stairs in our suits. 184 00:06:17,769 --> 00:06:19,211 So we'll just stay here and 185 00:06:19,362 --> 00:06:21,195 help by... being Shreks. 186 00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:23,548 Uh, do you want to hear me say "Get out of my swamp"? 187 00:06:23,700 --> 00:06:26,292 -Uh, sure. -[with accent] Get outta my swamp. 188 00:06:26,387 --> 00:06:28,461 Okay, yeah, thanks. That was helpful. 189 00:06:28,614 --> 00:06:30,722 All right, Dad, I guess we're ready. 190 00:06:30,874 --> 00:06:32,799 [bus hisses] 191 00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:35,042 -[loud bang] -[all cry out] 192 00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:36,453 I'm slipping! I'm slipping! 193 00:06:36,471 --> 00:06:37,787 -Don't let it hit the walls. -[horn honking] 194 00:06:37,806 --> 00:06:38,897 What happened?! 195 00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:41,048 Looks like your dad fell asleep at the wheel! 196 00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:42,175 [snoring] 197 00:06:42,327 --> 00:06:44,736 Oh, that's, uh, that's okay. 198 00:06:44,963 --> 00:06:47,130 [Judy] But things were not okay. 199 00:06:47,149 --> 00:06:49,157 ♪ Bum-bum-bum. ♪ 200 00:06:53,305 --> 00:06:56,473 Well, luckily the engine is still running, so there's that. 201 00:06:56,491 --> 00:06:58,491 Dad, I don't want to sleep-shame you, 202 00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:00,252 but you're clearly too tired to drive. 203 00:07:00,403 --> 00:07:01,978 Someone else needs to take the wheel. 204 00:07:01,997 --> 00:07:03,571 Wolf and I have no peripheral vision right now, 205 00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,757 and each of these hands weighs 35 pounds. 206 00:07:05,984 --> 00:07:07,667 I'm more of an Adam Driver than 207 00:07:07,819 --> 00:07:09,002 a bus driver right now. 208 00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:10,503 I'm a person of film. You know what I mean? 209 00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:13,432 I'll do it. My license expired in 1965, 210 00:07:13,659 --> 00:07:16,009 but if we get pulled over, I'll just show 'em my gams, 211 00:07:16,161 --> 00:07:17,919 and when they look down, I'll start shooting. 212 00:07:18,013 --> 00:07:20,997 Okay, Dirt's out, so that leaves me. 213 00:07:21,090 --> 00:07:22,999 I'm gonna drive myself to my own competition. 214 00:07:23,018 --> 00:07:26,278 Dad does appear to be once again asleep in that snowbank there. 215 00:07:26,429 --> 00:07:28,171 So let's get him up. [strains] 216 00:07:28,264 --> 00:07:30,097 [Judy] So, Ham, how's it going 217 00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:33,118 after that big crash caused by your own father? Ugh. 218 00:07:33,269 --> 00:07:35,102 And, you know, don't be afraid to use metaphor. 219 00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:36,696 I mean, make it your own, but let's say if you feel like 220 00:07:36,848 --> 00:07:39,683 a butterfly in a cocoon or a well that's run dry or... 221 00:07:39,776 --> 00:07:41,442 I'm fine. I'm just grateful 222 00:07:41,462 --> 00:07:43,353 -that everyone's now on the bus and we're on our way. 223 00:07:43,446 --> 00:07:44,946 -[loud scream] -Whoa. What the-- 224 00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:47,466 [Judy] Oh, you know Dad sleep-screams when he's overtired. 225 00:07:47,651 --> 00:07:49,192 Remember how Mom used to make him sleep 226 00:07:49,211 --> 00:07:50,710 -with a rolled-up sock in his mouth? -[screams] 227 00:07:50,862 --> 00:07:53,530 Ugh, this doc could use a little more juicy drama. 228 00:07:53,623 --> 00:07:55,307 I'm sorta looking for, like, in The Jinx, 229 00:07:55,458 --> 00:07:57,142 when that guy burped his way to prison. 230 00:07:57,311 --> 00:07:58,535 You got anything like that? 231 00:07:58,553 --> 00:08:01,462 Hmm. I could do a regular non-prison burp. 232 00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:03,890 Ugh. You know what? As a documentarian, I need to let 233 00:08:04,042 --> 00:08:05,542 my camera tell me where the story is, 234 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:06,801 and you know what she's telling me? 235 00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,228 It's time to go to the bathroom 236 00:08:08,380 --> 00:08:09,637 and start the confessionals. 237 00:08:09,731 --> 00:08:11,715 Moon's watching the cake by himself upstairs, 238 00:08:11,808 --> 00:08:13,383 and we got a smooth patch of road, 239 00:08:13,401 --> 00:08:15,051 so you're getting five minutes and not a second more. 240 00:08:15,070 --> 00:08:17,053 -[chittering] -Aah! Charles Chaplin's taint! 241 00:08:17,072 --> 00:08:19,405 -What the hell? -Oh, ha, yeah. I forgot to tell you 242 00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:21,166 there's definitely something living in there. 243 00:08:21,317 --> 00:08:23,059 -I'll get my gun. -Oh, no, that's okay. 244 00:08:23,078 --> 00:08:24,836 I just put a little bit of Nerds Rope down there, 245 00:08:24,988 --> 00:08:26,746 and whatever it is has settled down. 246 00:08:26,898 --> 00:08:29,156 Now let's talk. What's in the bag? 247 00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:30,583 Okay, Fancy Drew, I'll tell you. 248 00:08:30,736 --> 00:08:32,493 What's in the bag has to do with the real 249 00:08:32,513 --> 00:08:35,162 reason I'm hitching a ride to New Fork: revenge. 250 00:08:35,331 --> 00:08:36,515 Now, this is what I've been looking for. 251 00:08:36,708 --> 00:08:38,742 Weave me a cross-stitch with your memories. 252 00:08:38,835 --> 00:08:40,410 It all started a few years 253 00:08:40,503 --> 00:08:43,855 before I went into the bunker. It was 1962. 254 00:08:44,007 --> 00:08:46,082 I was walking around the woods one day 255 00:08:46,175 --> 00:08:47,584 when something caught my eye. 256 00:08:47,602 --> 00:08:50,420 It was a basketball, but not just any basketball. 257 00:08:50,438 --> 00:08:52,680 A pristine, straight-out-of-the-box, 258 00:08:52,774 --> 00:08:54,232 clean as hell basketball. 259 00:08:54,384 --> 00:08:55,942 I was headed to a Hula-Hoop party that night, 260 00:08:56,094 --> 00:08:59,445 and I couldn't wait to dazzle the dames with my unusual find. 261 00:08:59,614 --> 00:09:01,931 But a little later, I stopped by the post office 262 00:09:01,950 --> 00:09:04,543 to buy a thousand stamps for a penny and mail a pistol 263 00:09:04,770 --> 00:09:07,194 to my niece for her christening, when I saw my friend Hilda. 264 00:09:07,363 --> 00:09:08,880 I told her about the ball. 265 00:09:09,032 --> 00:09:11,883 Then, that night at the party I see Hilda holding a pristine, 266 00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:14,611 straight-out-of-the-box basketball. 267 00:09:14,629 --> 00:09:16,963 Claimed she found it sitting in the woods, just like me. 268 00:09:17,115 --> 00:09:19,616 When she clearly just bought a new one! 269 00:09:19,709 --> 00:09:21,893 I've never forgotten what she did to me. 270 00:09:22,045 --> 00:09:23,636 Never. That's why I brought these. 271 00:09:23,789 --> 00:09:26,456 Moon helped me use the pornography typewriter-- 272 00:09:26,474 --> 00:09:28,458 -The computer. -May I finish? 273 00:09:28,476 --> 00:09:30,885 And we found out that Hilda lives in New Fork. 274 00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:33,129 So I'll go up to her place, ring the doorbell. 275 00:09:33,222 --> 00:09:35,574 When she opens up, I'll throw all these basketballs 276 00:09:35,725 --> 00:09:37,133 at her lying face. 277 00:09:37,152 --> 00:09:38,651 -Whoa. -She deserves it. 278 00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:40,470 My story isn't the only thing she stole. 279 00:09:40,563 --> 00:09:42,305 I cut my hair short, she cut her hair short. 280 00:09:42,324 --> 00:09:45,083 I got horn-rimmed glasses, she got horn-rimmed glasses. 281 00:09:45,234 --> 00:09:47,310 I get polio, she gets polio. 282 00:09:47,329 --> 00:09:49,162 Well, it is highly contagious. 283 00:09:49,314 --> 00:09:50,496 -Don't defend her. -Sorry, sorry. 284 00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:52,424 And don't worry, only one of the basketballs 285 00:09:52,651 --> 00:09:54,667 I'm gonna hurl at her is full of milk. 286 00:09:54,820 --> 00:09:56,336 Basketball Full of Milk. 287 00:09:56,430 --> 00:09:57,837 That's a great title for this documentary. 288 00:09:57,931 --> 00:10:00,323 So give me a signal when you're going, and I'll tag along. 289 00:10:00,342 --> 00:10:01,825 Perfect. You can distract the fuzz. 290 00:10:01,843 --> 00:10:05,178 Say something like, "This is all my fault. I did it." 291 00:10:05,330 --> 00:10:06,796 [Ham] Okay, we're halfway there. 292 00:10:06,798 --> 00:10:08,255 And if my math is correct, 293 00:10:08,350 --> 00:10:10,591 we only have one more half to go. Aah! 294 00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:12,518 Oh, hey, bud, didn't mean to scare you. 295 00:10:12,613 --> 00:10:14,003 Here's the thing. 296 00:10:14,097 --> 00:10:15,947 I kinda need to use the little Shrek's room, 297 00:10:16,174 --> 00:10:18,508 and Judy alerted me that there's some creatures in the can. 298 00:10:18,601 --> 00:10:20,860 Well, we can't really stop because we might stall 299 00:10:21,012 --> 00:10:23,680 and not be able to start again. Any chance you could hold it? 300 00:10:23,698 --> 00:10:26,273 Already got a little bit of a personal swamp situation 301 00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:27,684 going on, if you follow. 302 00:10:27,702 --> 00:10:29,443 What I mean is, I did pee a bit already. 303 00:10:29,463 --> 00:10:32,279 Look, maybe you just go really slow, I hop out, 304 00:10:32,374 --> 00:10:33,857 and hop back on before you know it. 305 00:10:33,875 --> 00:10:36,376 Uh, I guess that might work. 306 00:10:36,528 --> 00:10:37,543 Keep her slow, Ham. 307 00:10:37,696 --> 00:10:39,787 See you in two shakes of my front tail. 308 00:10:39,881 --> 00:10:43,141 Pulling my pants down. Just keeping you guys posted. 309 00:10:43,368 --> 00:10:46,478 Okay, little update, I can't get 'em off with these hands! 310 00:10:46,629 --> 00:10:48,705 -Can't he just take the hands off? -Oh, no. 311 00:10:48,798 --> 00:10:49,814 We used a special glue. 312 00:10:49,966 --> 00:10:51,149 We'd need acetone to remove them. 313 00:10:51,376 --> 00:10:53,193 -I'll go help. -[Beef screams] 314 00:10:54,229 --> 00:10:56,045 -[grunts] -Aah! 315 00:10:56,139 --> 00:10:57,213 Turn me over! Turn me over! 316 00:10:57,232 --> 00:10:58,564 Uh-oh. Here I go, too! 317 00:10:58,659 --> 00:11:00,307 -[Judy] Ooh, this is great stuff. -[Ham] Is it? 318 00:11:00,402 --> 00:11:01,642 -[Beef screams] -Seriously? 319 00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:03,069 -Did Wolf whiz yet? -Nope. 320 00:11:03,221 --> 00:11:04,329 It's a disaster. 321 00:11:04,556 --> 00:11:06,164 -I'll go help the Gumbys. -[Beef screams] 322 00:11:06,391 --> 00:11:08,725 Great. Now almost everyone is off the bus. 323 00:11:08,818 --> 00:11:09,909 [nervous laugh] Perfect. 324 00:11:10,061 --> 00:11:11,911 [strains] These suckers are on tight. 325 00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:14,063 Yup, you might have to cut me out of 'em. 326 00:11:14,082 --> 00:11:16,749 Can someone help me up? No? I guess I'll just rest. 327 00:11:16,902 --> 00:11:20,737 Pants, I command you to release my nephew's penis! 328 00:11:20,755 --> 00:11:22,180 Oh, no. I'm caught. 329 00:11:22,331 --> 00:11:23,423 I'll hop out and help. 330 00:11:23,575 --> 00:11:25,909 Moon, no. No one's watching the cake. 331 00:11:26,002 --> 00:11:27,744 -Judy, you take the wheel! -Oh, can you say that again? 332 00:11:27,762 --> 00:11:29,503 And any chance you could cheat to camera, please. 333 00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:31,581 -Judy, the wheel! -Ugh! Fine. 334 00:11:31,583 --> 00:11:33,433 I got the pants off! 335 00:11:33,527 --> 00:11:34,934 Why is your penis green, too? 336 00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:36,969 Oh, that? It's actually just a funny coincidence. 337 00:11:37,121 --> 00:11:38,530 Bring the bus around! 338 00:11:38,681 --> 00:11:41,032 Uh-oh, that's black ice. 339 00:11:41,184 --> 00:11:43,259 [all crying out] 340 00:11:43,352 --> 00:11:45,778 -Somebody help me up. -I got you. -I'm peeing! 341 00:11:45,931 --> 00:11:47,447 [Dirt grunts] 342 00:11:48,858 --> 00:11:50,934 [Judy] So, where are we at in your mind's journey, Ham? 343 00:11:50,952 --> 00:11:52,618 -Are you angry at everyone? -No. 344 00:11:52,713 --> 00:11:54,695 I mean, we lost 30 minutes doing one pee stop 345 00:11:54,789 --> 00:11:56,122 because my adult brother couldn't 346 00:11:56,274 --> 00:11:58,441 get his ogre suit off, but no big deal. 347 00:11:58,460 --> 00:12:00,051 So, are you saying there's a ticking clock? 348 00:12:00,278 --> 00:12:02,295 Because that would actually help my film a lot. 349 00:12:02,447 --> 00:12:03,722 Executives always ask for that. 350 00:12:03,949 --> 00:12:05,206 Like, what would happen if we were late? 351 00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:06,707 Let's go into that. 352 00:12:06,727 --> 00:12:08,393 There's a ten-minute registration grace period, 353 00:12:08,544 --> 00:12:10,470 but once those cake doors close, that's it. 354 00:12:10,564 --> 00:12:12,213 We could always take the shortcut. 355 00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:14,232 [gasps] Why are you down here again?! 356 00:12:14,383 --> 00:12:15,792 Relax. Aunt Dirt's got the cake. 357 00:12:15,885 --> 00:12:19,145 Moon, we are not taking Dead Man's Violent Death Road. 358 00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:22,407 Suit yourself, but it would cut our trip by 20 minutes. 359 00:12:22,634 --> 00:12:23,967 I'm sure you can handle the road. 360 00:12:24,060 --> 00:12:25,726 Mom drove me down it in a blackout once 361 00:12:25,746 --> 00:12:27,412 to the fireworks store 'cause she was hooking up 362 00:12:27,639 --> 00:12:29,414 with the owner Kevin Boom Boom Senior. 363 00:12:29,565 --> 00:12:33,418 And we were totally fine. But like I said, suit yourself. 364 00:12:34,070 --> 00:12:35,161 Okay, fine. 365 00:12:35,330 --> 00:12:36,646 Did I only want to come on this trip 366 00:12:36,664 --> 00:12:38,331 in the hopes that I would somehow get to go 367 00:12:38,483 --> 00:12:41,818 to Kevin Boom Boom's Fairytale Discount Grenades & Fireworks? 368 00:12:41,836 --> 00:12:44,262 Yes. And did I suggest the shortcut 369 00:12:44,413 --> 00:12:46,413 because it goes right past Kevin Boom Boom's 370 00:12:46,491 --> 00:12:49,416 Fairytale Discount Grenades & Fireworks? Also yes. 371 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:52,178 And am I planning on waiting for the right moment 372 00:12:52,330 --> 00:12:54,013 to grab a tree branch, jump off the bus, 373 00:12:54,165 --> 00:12:56,349 run into Kevin's, buy as many grenades as I can, 374 00:12:56,501 --> 00:12:59,277 then hitchhike to New Fork? Hmm. You tell me. 375 00:12:59,428 --> 00:13:02,672 Wait, so is Dead Man's Violent Death Road an actual shortcut? 376 00:13:02,690 --> 00:13:04,282 If we survive it? Probably. 377 00:13:04,509 --> 00:13:06,451 Okay. We're taking the shortcut! 378 00:13:06,602 --> 00:13:07,619 [Moon] Boom! 379 00:13:07,846 --> 00:13:09,270 You won't regret this, Ham. 380 00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:10,771 [Judy] But Ham would come to regret it. 381 00:13:10,791 --> 00:13:11,864 What? 382 00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:14,125 Oh, please don't interact with the narrator, okay? 383 00:13:18,447 --> 00:13:19,964 Huh. Well, I guess this road isn't that bad. 384 00:13:20,116 --> 00:13:21,448 [Judy] Mm-hmm. Glad you're happy, 385 00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:22,783 but as a filmmaker this is very disappointing. 386 00:13:22,861 --> 00:13:24,451 -[Beef screams] -[Ham gasps] 387 00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:25,470 [Judy] [groans] Okay, not even Dad's sleep screams 388 00:13:25,697 --> 00:13:26,863 are spicing up this snooze. 389 00:13:26,956 --> 00:13:28,306 Good thing I've got a secret ogre drama 390 00:13:28,457 --> 00:13:29,957 that I've been cooking up in my cauldron. 391 00:13:30,126 --> 00:13:31,476 Okay, first of all, let me just say, ignore 392 00:13:31,627 --> 00:13:33,478 the screeches of the animals under your buttocks. 393 00:13:33,629 --> 00:13:35,629 They'll quiet down now that they have more Nerds Rope. 394 00:13:35,798 --> 00:13:38,041 -Terrific. -So, tell me about the Group Shrek. 395 00:13:38,134 --> 00:13:40,485 Oh, a Group Shrek is basically just a wholesome 396 00:13:40,712 --> 00:13:42,545 hang for Shrek-heads to Shrek out together. 397 00:13:42,638 --> 00:13:45,156 Uh, Group Shrek is definitely an orgy. 398 00:13:45,383 --> 00:13:46,549 I can't believe they don't know. 399 00:13:46,642 --> 00:13:47,992 I would tell them, but a good filmmaker 400 00:13:48,069 --> 00:13:50,219 never gets involved with their subjects. 401 00:13:50,313 --> 00:13:51,478 We all dress up, talk about 402 00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:53,072 our favorite lines from the movies... 403 00:13:53,224 --> 00:13:54,481 Wolf said the website mentioned something called 404 00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:56,668 -a swamp romp, donkey rides... -Orgy. 405 00:13:56,819 --> 00:13:58,670 There's mention of Lord Farquaad throughout, 406 00:13:58,897 --> 00:14:01,840 but they keep spelling it wrong and using it as a verb. 407 00:14:01,991 --> 00:14:02,915 Big, big orgy. 408 00:14:03,068 --> 00:14:04,259 [Judy grunts] 409 00:14:05,494 --> 00:14:07,494 So, Dad, your oldest son is going to an orgy 410 00:14:07,589 --> 00:14:09,681 and your youngest son is buying grenades. 411 00:14:09,832 --> 00:14:11,407 -How do you plead? -[snoring] 412 00:14:11,500 --> 00:14:13,334 [imitating Beef] Well, I've pushed multiple women 413 00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:16,079 down the stairs, and I blamed it on owls. 414 00:14:16,097 --> 00:14:17,430 [regular voice] Perfect. 415 00:14:17,582 --> 00:14:18,690 -[animals chittering] -Calm down, guys. 416 00:14:18,917 --> 00:14:22,026 I'll get you more Nerds Rope. Sheesh! 417 00:14:22,178 --> 00:14:23,677 Huh? Where am I? 418 00:14:23,846 --> 00:14:26,939 Oh. The bathroom. Good. 419 00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:28,349 -Huh? -[hissing] 420 00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:29,850 Aah! Muskrats! 421 00:14:29,944 --> 00:14:31,444 [all crying out] 422 00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:34,021 What's happening?! Why is everyone screaming?! 423 00:14:34,115 --> 00:14:36,599 -[screeches] -Oh, that's the critter I ate the other day. 424 00:14:36,618 --> 00:14:37,691 Hello again. 425 00:14:37,785 --> 00:14:38,877 [Honeybee and Wolf screaming] 426 00:14:39,028 --> 00:14:41,028 One's in my costume! One's in my costume! 427 00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:43,606 -Don't let them near the cake! -I'll go after 'em! 428 00:14:43,625 --> 00:14:46,175 [screaming continues] 429 00:14:46,961 --> 00:14:48,111 [Beef gasps] 430 00:14:48,204 --> 00:14:49,387 [Moon grunts] 431 00:14:49,614 --> 00:14:50,947 Moon! 432 00:14:51,116 --> 00:14:52,223 [grunts] 433 00:14:52,375 --> 00:14:54,726 -Ham, stop the bus right now. -What? Why? 434 00:14:54,895 --> 00:14:56,710 I'm gonna be late! Where are the muskrats? 435 00:14:56,730 --> 00:14:59,455 Two are in my hands, and one is in your brother's Shrek suit. 436 00:14:59,474 --> 00:15:00,973 [Dirt] I can eat one if need be. 437 00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:02,141 Ham, seriously, stop. 438 00:15:02,293 --> 00:15:03,309 Moon jumped off the bus! 439 00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:04,903 [Ham] I'm trying to slow it down. 440 00:15:05,130 --> 00:15:06,295 Doesn't feel like we're slowing down! 441 00:15:06,314 --> 00:15:07,630 I just said I'm trying! 442 00:15:07,649 --> 00:15:09,298 I'm pressing all the way down on the brakes! 443 00:15:09,317 --> 00:15:11,075 [Beef] Oh, God. Turn! Turn! 444 00:15:11,227 --> 00:15:13,077 Uh, bad news about that, too. 445 00:15:13,229 --> 00:15:14,561 Everybody, get behind us. 446 00:15:14,656 --> 00:15:16,063 Use us as airbags! 447 00:15:16,157 --> 00:15:18,307 [all scream] 448 00:15:18,401 --> 00:15:21,127 -Hold on! -Brake, brake, brake, brake, brake, brake! 449 00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:24,814 -My cake! -Everyone okay? 450 00:15:24,832 --> 00:15:27,817 -I'm good. -Okay over here. -At least nothing exploded. 451 00:15:27,910 --> 00:15:29,427 -[loud explosion] -[all cry out] 452 00:15:30,989 --> 00:15:32,913 Oh, no. 453 00:15:33,082 --> 00:15:34,307 [fireworks exploding] 454 00:15:34,492 --> 00:15:37,343 Well, that was a beautiful display of fireworks, 455 00:15:37,495 --> 00:15:40,179 but the wheels on this bus have gone round and round 456 00:15:40,256 --> 00:15:41,272 for the last time. 457 00:15:41,499 --> 00:15:43,516 Craps in the cradle, this blows. 458 00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:45,351 We'll never make it to the Group Shrek now. 459 00:15:45,503 --> 00:15:48,337 Well, so much for my big twist ending. 460 00:15:48,356 --> 00:15:50,006 And all my basketballs exploded. 461 00:15:50,008 --> 00:15:52,358 There's milk everywhere except Hilda's stupid, 462 00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:53,618 story-stealing face. 463 00:15:53,695 --> 00:15:55,620 Dad, they said I need your permission to buy 464 00:15:55,847 --> 00:15:57,029 the City Eliminator firework. 465 00:15:57,182 --> 00:15:59,106 If I leave here without it, what was the point 466 00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:00,607 -of even coming here? -Me! 467 00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:03,536 The whole point of this trip was me and my cake 468 00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:04,945 and my competition! 469 00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:06,522 And you guys never come to my competitions. 470 00:16:06,615 --> 00:16:09,300 Hell, you never even ask me about my competitions. 471 00:16:09,452 --> 00:16:12,286 So I thought, "Oh, wow, finally 472 00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:14,455 "everyone is coming to see me, Ham Tobin, 473 00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:15,330 maker of cakes." 474 00:16:15,332 --> 00:16:16,307 But you all just used me 475 00:16:16,534 --> 00:16:18,217 to get a free ride to New Fork. 476 00:16:18,369 --> 00:16:21,145 And now there isn't even a ride because our bus is ruined. 477 00:16:21,297 --> 00:16:23,147 And worse, my cake is ruined! 478 00:16:23,374 --> 00:16:25,558 You are all selfish, and I am honestly 479 00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:27,210 embarrassed to be a Tobin. 480 00:16:27,228 --> 00:16:32,398 I'm changing my last name to Tooobbbbbeeeeegatonerrothonzizi. 481 00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:35,234 Yeah! Well, actually not that, but I'm 482 00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:37,811 gonna go brainstorm what I'm changing it to! 483 00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:41,124 -Ugh! -Hot damn. We broke Ham. 484 00:16:46,655 --> 00:16:49,507 How's the brainstorming on your new last name going? 485 00:16:49,658 --> 00:16:50,675 Ugh, not great. 486 00:16:50,902 --> 00:16:52,176 I thought of Ham Seinfeld, and now 487 00:16:52,328 --> 00:16:53,402 I can't think of anything else. 488 00:16:53,496 --> 00:16:55,179 I'm sorry for the way everyone 489 00:16:55,331 --> 00:16:56,330 has been acting today. 490 00:16:56,424 --> 00:16:58,257 Oh, it's okay. No big deal. 491 00:16:58,409 --> 00:17:00,334 Ham, you have to stop saying that. 492 00:17:00,428 --> 00:17:03,079 You say it a lot, but some things are a big deal, 493 00:17:03,097 --> 00:17:04,689 and it's okay to acknowledge that. 494 00:17:04,916 --> 00:17:07,859 And I don't want to make excuses for the rest of the family, 495 00:17:08,010 --> 00:17:10,269 but I think they kinda believed you when you kept 496 00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:12,438 saying the competition was no big deal. 497 00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:15,925 I just... I have a hard time making a big thing about myself. 498 00:17:15,943 --> 00:17:19,262 Well, why? Why can't you be a big deal? 499 00:17:19,355 --> 00:17:20,538 I don't want to burden anyone. 500 00:17:20,765 --> 00:17:24,267 But I guess I also secretly hope everyone 501 00:17:24,435 --> 00:17:26,693 will still be there to support me no matter what. 502 00:17:26,788 --> 00:17:28,604 Hmm. And then no one was. 503 00:17:28,623 --> 00:17:30,456 Yeah. I mean, even you. 504 00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:32,866 You stayed up so late watching some dumb TV show 505 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,610 that you were too tired to drive me today. 506 00:17:34,779 --> 00:17:36,946 Ham, you're right, I shouldn't have stayed up. 507 00:17:36,964 --> 00:17:39,282 -Oh, it's okay. -It's not okay. 508 00:17:39,300 --> 00:17:40,283 -No, it's-- -Ham. 509 00:17:40,301 --> 00:17:42,285 Fine! Father, it's not okay! 510 00:17:42,303 --> 00:17:46,305 Good. But believe it or not, I was actually trying to help. 511 00:17:46,457 --> 00:17:49,049 Truth is, the show I was so caught up in 512 00:17:49,127 --> 00:17:50,810 was Cynthia, Fix My Cake! 513 00:17:50,962 --> 00:17:52,904 Oh, man, I worship Cynthia. 514 00:17:53,131 --> 00:17:54,980 I love how she shows up at people's houses 515 00:17:55,133 --> 00:17:56,223 in a hot-air balloon. 516 00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:57,742 Oh, absolutely. Magic. 517 00:17:57,893 --> 00:18:00,303 Thing is, I'm prepared for so many 518 00:18:00,396 --> 00:18:01,913 things in life, but I knew that 519 00:18:02,064 --> 00:18:04,231 if something went wrong with your cake today, 520 00:18:04,250 --> 00:18:05,750 I wouldn't know how to help you. 521 00:18:05,901 --> 00:18:08,661 I didn't want you to think I didn't have faith in you, 522 00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:12,148 but you know me. I have a backup plan for a backup plan. 523 00:18:12,241 --> 00:18:14,166 So I figured I'd study the show. 524 00:18:14,319 --> 00:18:16,594 And to be honest, I learned nothing. 525 00:18:16,821 --> 00:18:19,764 I just couldn't look away, son, because, well... 526 00:18:19,991 --> 00:18:23,750 Cynthia has very, very ginormous gazongas. 527 00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:26,420 I'm not into women and even I get mesmerized when 528 00:18:26,514 --> 00:18:28,331 she whisks and they whisk with her. 529 00:18:28,349 --> 00:18:30,775 They do join her in the dance, don't they? 530 00:18:30,926 --> 00:18:32,593 Even Cynthia couldn't fix this problem. 531 00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:34,837 I brought a lot of extra frosting for damages like 532 00:18:34,856 --> 00:18:37,931 always, but I didn't expect to need whole new cake layers. 533 00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:41,677 We don't have more cake, but we do have dirt. 534 00:18:41,696 --> 00:18:44,347 I'm sorry, Dad, but I'm not serving Aunt Dirt to the judges. 535 00:18:44,365 --> 00:18:45,939 We both know she'd just shoot them. 536 00:18:46,033 --> 00:18:47,941 No, dirt as in soil. 537 00:18:48,110 --> 00:18:49,018 It kind of looks like 538 00:18:49,111 --> 00:18:50,444 chocolate cake, doesn't it? 539 00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:53,856 What if we fixed your exploded layers with packed soil? 540 00:18:53,949 --> 00:18:56,300 Huh. Yeah, the judges almost never 541 00:18:56,527 --> 00:18:58,043 try a piece from the front of the cake. 542 00:18:58,196 --> 00:18:59,695 If I present the soil part as if 543 00:18:59,788 --> 00:19:01,046 I want them to try it... 544 00:19:01,199 --> 00:19:02,640 They'll take a different slice. 545 00:19:02,791 --> 00:19:05,584 Wait, we still don't have a way to get to New Fork. 546 00:19:05,736 --> 00:19:06,869 Don't worry, Son-derella. 547 00:19:06,888 --> 00:19:08,554 I believe your fairy god-siblings 548 00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:10,565 have that all figured out. 549 00:19:12,301 --> 00:19:14,652 What's, uh... what's happening? 550 00:19:14,803 --> 00:19:16,562 We realized how unsupportive we've been, 551 00:19:16,714 --> 00:19:19,215 so we pooled our resources to buy this carriage. 552 00:19:19,384 --> 00:19:22,827 And now we can pull you and your masterpiece to New Fork! 553 00:19:22,978 --> 00:19:24,162 I traded in my camera. 554 00:19:24,389 --> 00:19:25,830 I used my fireworks money. 555 00:19:26,023 --> 00:19:27,223 I didn't give up crap. 556 00:19:27,316 --> 00:19:30,484 And we gave up our Shrek hands and the Fiona boobs. 557 00:19:31,245 --> 00:19:33,078 Ham, you can sit in the carriage and remake 558 00:19:33,231 --> 00:19:36,081 -your cake while we pull you to New Fork. -Okay. 559 00:19:36,176 --> 00:19:40,236 Let's get to my competition. Which is, in fact, a big deal. 560 00:19:40,238 --> 00:19:43,422 -That's the spirit, son. -Hyah! 561 00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:46,684 I am honored to be a part of this competition, 562 00:19:46,911 --> 00:19:48,093 Your Highness Judge. 563 00:19:48,246 --> 00:19:50,079 Might I suggest tasting a slice of the gift shop? 564 00:19:50,097 --> 00:19:53,357 You can suggest it, but I make my own decisions. 565 00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:55,067 [gulps] 566 00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,530 Are you nervous, Ham? 567 00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:02,441 [Judy sighs] 568 00:20:02,593 --> 00:20:04,035 Waiting for the winner to be announced 569 00:20:04,204 --> 00:20:06,687 would have been great on camera, but I'll just record it 570 00:20:06,781 --> 00:20:08,764 on my eyeballs for my brain film. 571 00:20:08,933 --> 00:20:13,711 The winner of this year's Stodgy Roger's Crumb Off is... 572 00:20:13,862 --> 00:20:14,712 Ham Tobin. 573 00:20:14,863 --> 00:20:16,363 -That's my boy! -Yeah, Ham! 574 00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:17,715 [cheering] 575 00:20:17,942 --> 00:20:21,201 I sure wish Stodgy Roger was alive to see this moment. 576 00:20:21,279 --> 00:20:23,128 I am. I'm right here. 577 00:20:23,281 --> 00:20:26,799 -Mmm. It really is good, Ham. -I got a little pebble 578 00:20:26,893 --> 00:20:29,101 in mine, but I've eaten rocks before. 579 00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:32,897 Hilda got my voice mail. 580 00:20:33,124 --> 00:20:34,123 The bastard. 581 00:20:34,216 --> 00:20:35,399 -Hold my cake. -[loud grunt] 582 00:20:35,626 --> 00:20:37,884 -[grunting, thudding] -[gasps] Aunt Dirt, no! 583 00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:39,812 [Judy] How long are we gonna give 'em? 584 00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:41,130 Five minutes. Ten? 585 00:20:41,148 --> 00:20:43,241 Start the carriage! Group Shrek wasn't what 586 00:20:43,392 --> 00:20:44,800 -we thought it was. -Go, go, go. 587 00:20:44,819 --> 00:20:46,318 They nasty. Let's go, let's go, let's go. 588 00:20:46,471 --> 00:20:49,563 Hey, you forgot your orgy gift bag. 589 00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:50,973 ♪ ♪ 590 00:20:51,142 --> 00:20:52,750 ♪ When your layers are acting crazy ♪ 591 00:20:52,977 --> 00:20:54,477 ♪ And your frosting tastes like gravy ♪ 592 00:20:54,495 --> 00:20:56,345 ♪ Don't crawl inside a snake ♪ 593 00:20:56,347 --> 00:20:57,980 ♪ Just yell out "Cynthia, fix my cake!" ♪ 594 00:20:58,073 --> 00:21:01,166 ♪ She arrives in a hot-air balloon ♪ 595 00:21:01,261 --> 00:21:05,078 ♪ With her pet Rosie Raccoon ♪ 596 00:21:05,156 --> 00:21:06,764 ♪ Carrot, vanilla ♪ 597 00:21:06,991 --> 00:21:08,841 ♪ Chocolate, funfetti ♪ 598 00:21:08,993 --> 00:21:11,510 ♪ No matter the flavor, she'll get it ready ♪ 599 00:21:11,662 --> 00:21:13,512 ♪ When it comes to cake, she's the best ♪ 600 00:21:13,664 --> 00:21:15,347 ♪ With some help from her ample chest ♪ 601 00:21:15,441 --> 00:21:17,349 ♪ She's here, so take a break ♪ 602 00:21:17,443 --> 00:21:18,667 ♪ You got her ♪ 603 00:21:18,686 --> 00:21:20,427 ♪ Cynthia, fix my cake! ♪ 604 00:21:20,446 --> 00:21:22,671 Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT 605 00:21:22,690 --> 00:21:24,991 and TOYOTA.