1 00:00:01,393 --> 00:00:04,670 -♪ Look up there ♪ -♪ What do you see? ♪ 2 00:00:04,897 --> 00:00:06,005 ♪ Nature and stuff ♪ 3 00:00:06,232 --> 00:00:07,506 -♪ Like a rock ♪ -♪ And a tree ♪ 4 00:00:07,733 --> 00:00:10,234 ♪ Oh, the Great North ♪ 5 00:00:10,327 --> 00:00:13,828 ♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪ 6 00:00:13,997 --> 00:00:15,072 ♪ Catch some fish ♪ 7 00:00:15,090 --> 00:00:16,740 ♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪ 8 00:00:16,759 --> 00:00:17,758 ♪ Wow ♪ 9 00:00:17,926 --> 00:00:21,169 ♪ Oh, the Great North ♪ 10 00:00:21,263 --> 00:00:22,763 ♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪ 11 00:00:22,915 --> 00:00:24,172 ♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪ 12 00:00:24,266 --> 00:00:25,840 ♪ From longest night to longest day ♪ 13 00:00:25,934 --> 00:00:29,695 ♪ In the Great North. ♪ 14 00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:33,282 (cheering) 15 00:00:33,868 --> 00:00:34,849 (busy chatter) 16 00:00:35,261 --> 00:00:37,036 Thank you, everyone, for gathering here today. 17 00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:38,779 As I mentioned in the email blast, 18 00:00:38,931 --> 00:00:40,539 I have a big announcement to make. 19 00:00:40,690 --> 00:00:42,524 Oh, hell yeah. We're doing The Purge. 20 00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:44,692 Delmer, we are not doing The Purge. 21 00:00:44,712 --> 00:00:46,045 Is Cirque du Soleil coming? 22 00:00:46,196 --> 00:00:47,195 -Did they get my letters? -Not at all. 23 00:00:47,289 --> 00:00:48,622 As you all know, every year, 24 00:00:48,774 --> 00:00:51,383 Ketchikan brand sausage holds a Little Mr. Ketchikan 25 00:00:51,610 --> 00:00:53,627 Canned Sausage Gentlemen's Pageant. 26 00:00:53,779 --> 00:00:55,036 But for the last 30 years, 27 00:00:55,056 --> 00:00:56,780 Lone Moose has been forbidden to take part 28 00:00:56,799 --> 00:00:59,707 due to an unfortunate incident in our distant past. 29 00:00:59,802 --> 00:01:01,134 But we've done our time, 30 00:01:01,211 --> 00:01:03,395 and I'm excited to announce Lone Moose is back. 31 00:01:03,622 --> 00:01:05,455 -(excited chatter) -That's a spicy meatball! 32 00:01:05,549 --> 00:01:06,623 That's right, Delms. 33 00:01:06,716 --> 00:01:08,625 We're once again hosting a regional pageant 34 00:01:08,644 --> 00:01:10,718 to determine which Lone Moose boy will go 35 00:01:10,813 --> 00:01:12,796 into the final pageant in Ketchikan 36 00:01:12,798 --> 00:01:15,966 for a chance to take home the greasy sausage crown. 37 00:01:16,059 --> 00:01:17,559 -(cheering) -Sausage! Sausage! 38 00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:20,245 All Lone Moose boys between the ages of ten and 18 39 00:01:20,472 --> 00:01:21,563 are eligible to compete. 40 00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:23,640 And the boy who wins the Lone Moose pageant 41 00:01:23,659 --> 00:01:25,642 will win a year's supply of canned sausage 42 00:01:25,661 --> 00:01:28,328 for their family, go on to compete in Ketchikan, 43 00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:29,571 and if they win there, 44 00:01:29,665 --> 00:01:32,149 they get free sausage for the whole town. 45 00:01:32,167 --> 00:01:34,167 -(cheering) -This is my destiny. 46 00:01:34,261 --> 00:01:36,244 I'd kill to win that sausage for our family. 47 00:01:36,263 --> 00:01:39,172 It's so expensive, and we all love it so much. 48 00:01:39,325 --> 00:01:41,749 Maybe I'll try to enter, too. I could pass for 18. 49 00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:45,178 I bet I can still fit into my old OshKosh B'gosh overalls. 50 00:01:45,331 --> 00:01:47,088 JUDY: Okay, Ham. 51 00:01:47,108 --> 00:01:48,256 Your application's all set. 52 00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:49,441 Oh, wait, you forgot my middle name. 53 00:01:49,668 --> 00:01:51,593 Oh, good catch. Ham Piercebrosnan-- 54 00:01:51,687 --> 00:01:53,612 -all as one word-- Tobin. -Wait, really? 55 00:01:53,763 --> 00:01:56,022 -Mom had some wine during the birth. -Hey, Dad. 56 00:01:56,175 --> 00:01:58,358 How was the bait and tackle sale in Death Cliff? 57 00:01:58,527 --> 00:01:59,843 I misunderstood. 58 00:01:59,862 --> 00:02:01,603 It was actually a bake and tackle sale. 59 00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:03,956 I wound up buying 100 Rice Krispy Treats to help 60 00:02:04,107 --> 00:02:06,274 the Death Cliff High School football team go to state. 61 00:02:06,368 --> 00:02:08,776 Well, we're filling out Ham and Moon's applications 62 00:02:08,871 --> 00:02:11,279 for the Little Mr. Ketchikan Canned 63 00:02:11,373 --> 00:02:12,539 Sausage Gentlemen Pageant. 64 00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:15,192 But-but Lone Moose is banned from that pageant. 65 00:02:15,210 --> 00:02:17,785 Not anymore. The elegance of canned sausage 66 00:02:17,954 --> 00:02:19,954 is returning to Lone Moose. 67 00:02:19,974 --> 00:02:21,140 Ooh, Judy. Maybe we could coach them. 68 00:02:21,291 --> 00:02:22,883 Coaching is where the real power is at anyway. 69 00:02:22,959 --> 00:02:25,385 We'll be like Babitha and Margarine on Square Dance Moms. 70 00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:27,204 Yes. I can't wait to ride the line 71 00:02:27,222 --> 00:02:29,539 between tough love and cruel sociopath. 72 00:02:29,558 --> 00:02:31,725 Mm-hmm. Every pageant participant needs a coach 73 00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:33,226 who tells them they're not hot enough. 74 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:34,987 Moon, you're not hot enough. 75 00:02:35,138 --> 00:02:36,396 I feel very motivated. 76 00:02:36,548 --> 00:02:37,972 The pageant isn't about hotness. 77 00:02:38,066 --> 00:02:39,849 That's not even part of the judging system. 78 00:02:39,851 --> 00:02:41,476 (gasps) Dad, do you know the pageant? 79 00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:43,887 (sighs) I myself was a link lad. 80 00:02:43,906 --> 00:02:46,648 Of course my dad was grade-A stage candy. 81 00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:48,333 It was 30 years ago. 82 00:02:48,485 --> 00:02:50,243 I was the favorite that year. 83 00:02:50,396 --> 00:02:52,412 I wore a perfect bratwurst suit 84 00:02:52,489 --> 00:02:54,748 with all the fixings, handmade by myself. 85 00:02:54,900 --> 00:02:56,583 My walk was perfection. 86 00:02:56,735 --> 00:02:58,159 My talent, unmatched. 87 00:02:58,179 --> 00:03:01,071 But then, we were down to the second to last event: 88 00:03:01,089 --> 00:03:02,830 the blind sausage taste test. 89 00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:06,018 Another contestant, jealous of my saug de vivre, 90 00:03:06,245 --> 00:03:08,261 put fast-acting laxatives in my tasting sausage. 91 00:03:08,472 --> 00:03:09,688 -(farts) -HONEYBEE: Oh, no. 92 00:03:09,839 --> 00:03:11,248 Oh, yes. And yet, 93 00:03:11,266 --> 00:03:12,632 I still went on to win. 94 00:03:12,784 --> 00:03:14,175 Answering my character question perfectly 95 00:03:14,195 --> 00:03:16,645 while in a completely be-pooped suit. 96 00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:18,438 I won the Lone Moose pageant 97 00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:21,867 and was all set to travel to Ketchikan for the big show. 98 00:03:22,094 --> 00:03:23,685 But when the sausage company officials 99 00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:25,095 heard about the shenanigans, 100 00:03:25,113 --> 00:03:26,780 they declared Lone Moose's conduct 101 00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:28,356 to be upsetting, gross, 102 00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:30,283 and against the spirit of sausage. 103 00:03:30,436 --> 00:03:33,212 I was forbidden from moving forward to win it all, 104 00:03:33,439 --> 00:03:35,789 and our beloved town was banned from the pageant 105 00:03:35,941 --> 00:03:37,274 for the next 30 years. 106 00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:41,035 Whoa! So, your buns are the reason Lone Moose got banned? 107 00:03:41,055 --> 00:03:43,555 Yes. So, enter if you want, boys, 108 00:03:43,782 --> 00:03:47,284 but remember-- the meat can drive you to madness. 109 00:03:47,302 --> 00:03:48,802 Well, it's not gonna affect us. 110 00:03:48,878 --> 00:03:50,971 This pageant sounds like a fun thing to do with my brother. 111 00:03:51,123 --> 00:03:52,973 And if I don't win, I want him to win. 112 00:03:53,125 --> 00:03:54,808 Yeah, and if I don't win, I want Moon to win. 113 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:56,476 These brat bros got this, Dad. 114 00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,962 And this sausage sib is gonna go ask Mayor Peppers 115 00:03:58,981 --> 00:04:01,815 to raise the competition age so I can have a shot, too. 116 00:04:01,967 --> 00:04:02,908 You know what they say-- 117 00:04:03,059 --> 00:04:05,151 nothing's sexier than a senior sausage. 118 00:04:05,304 --> 00:04:08,488 Well, well, well, my sausage competitors. 119 00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:10,415 I heard every boy in school is entering. 120 00:04:10,492 --> 00:04:11,917 Oh, you guys talking sausage pageant? 121 00:04:12,144 --> 00:04:13,961 FYI, if you're considering doing Gretchen Wieners' 122 00:04:14,146 --> 00:04:16,255 monologue and song from Mean Girls the musical, 123 00:04:16,331 --> 00:04:17,905 I would suggest shifting gears. 124 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:19,758 All right, I guess it's plan B then: 125 00:04:19,909 --> 00:04:21,093 singing the alphabet backwards 126 00:04:21,169 --> 00:04:23,095 while jumping on a tiny trampoline. 127 00:04:24,265 --> 00:04:26,990 WOLF: Mayor Peppers! I'm here to talk to you 128 00:04:27,009 --> 00:04:28,325 about the pageant. I was wondering 129 00:04:28,343 --> 00:04:30,918 if you could, uh, you know, raise the age limit. 130 00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:32,996 'Cause sausage knows no saus-age. 131 00:04:33,089 --> 00:04:35,590 Wolf, no. Lone Moose just got approved 132 00:04:35,684 --> 00:04:36,683 to send a representative again, 133 00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,259 so I can't have any shenanigans. 134 00:04:38,353 --> 00:04:41,521 -But I do need a pageant emcee. -Okay, okay. 135 00:04:41,598 --> 00:04:43,115 And, uh, what's the deets on that? 136 00:04:43,342 --> 00:04:44,616 MC Hammer it to me. 137 00:04:44,843 --> 00:04:47,527 The emcee gives a two-minute introduction to the pageant, 138 00:04:47,679 --> 00:04:48,862 maybe a couple of jokes, 139 00:04:49,031 --> 00:04:50,697 and then announces each pageant event. 140 00:04:50,849 --> 00:04:51,848 Would that interest you? 141 00:04:51,867 --> 00:04:53,292 Oh, yeah. I can do that. 142 00:04:53,368 --> 00:04:55,535 Maybe this could be the beginning of my hosting career. 143 00:04:55,687 --> 00:04:57,296 Honeybee's top three famous freebies 144 00:04:57,523 --> 00:04:59,447 are all stand-ups and hosts-- 145 00:04:59,541 --> 00:05:00,966 Jim Gaffigan, Eddie Murphy, 146 00:05:01,117 --> 00:05:03,693 and our one overlap, the Microsoft Paperclip. 147 00:05:03,862 --> 00:05:05,137 Oh, you mean Clippy? 148 00:05:05,364 --> 00:05:06,305 Yeah, I'd let that happen. 149 00:05:06,532 --> 00:05:08,214 I'm ready to represent Lone Moose 150 00:05:08,367 --> 00:05:10,200 on the hallowed sausage pageant stage. 151 00:05:10,218 --> 00:05:11,568 Okay, sure, Wolf. 152 00:05:11,570 --> 00:05:12,960 Can I point to random audience members 153 00:05:13,038 --> 00:05:14,980 and say, "This guy knows what I'm talking about." 154 00:05:15,207 --> 00:05:16,631 Get out of here before I change my mind. 155 00:05:16,708 --> 00:05:18,542 You've been a great audience. Good night! 156 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:19,634 JUDY: So, first, 157 00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,486 there's the parade of sausage costumes, 158 00:05:21,563 --> 00:05:23,880 then everyone sings the official pageant theme, 159 00:05:23,899 --> 00:05:25,157 then there's the talent section, 160 00:05:25,308 --> 00:05:28,552 followed by a sudden death blind sausage taste test. 161 00:05:28,570 --> 00:05:30,554 And then everyone has to answer a character question, 162 00:05:30,572 --> 00:05:33,314 like "how can the sausage industry create world peace?" 163 00:05:33,392 --> 00:05:35,000 Easy. You stick a sausage 164 00:05:35,151 --> 00:05:37,151 -in the barrels of all the guns. -(Beef scoffs) 165 00:05:37,171 --> 00:05:39,504 All right. Hit us with your ideas for sausage talents. 166 00:05:39,731 --> 00:05:41,823 I could dislocate my shoulder and pop it back in. 167 00:05:41,917 --> 00:05:43,083 -(Beef scoffs) -Or... 168 00:05:43,235 --> 00:05:45,085 I could sing "The Star-Spangled Banner." 169 00:05:45,237 --> 00:05:46,903 -(Beef coughs) -I was gonna sing "The Star-Spangled Banner." 170 00:05:46,996 --> 00:05:49,997 My God. Neither of you should sing "The Star-Spangled Banner." 171 00:05:50,017 --> 00:05:51,666 Every boy in Lone Moose is thinking 172 00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:53,185 of doing that right now. 173 00:05:53,412 --> 00:05:54,836 Anyone can give them sausage. 174 00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:56,355 You have to give them sizzle. 175 00:05:56,540 --> 00:05:59,766 Please, Beef. Help one of your sons reclaim the sausage throne. 176 00:05:59,918 --> 00:06:01,509 Look, to outsiders, 177 00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:04,696 the Little Mr. Ketchikan Canned Sausage Gentleman Pageant 178 00:06:04,848 --> 00:06:06,439 may look like a clump of boys 179 00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:08,441 marching around in sausage costumes. 180 00:06:08,535 --> 00:06:11,185 But those who truly understand the pageant 181 00:06:11,205 --> 00:06:14,539 know that its participants are noble Alaskan hunters, 182 00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:18,101 seeking canned sustenance in our unforgiving landscape. 183 00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:21,213 In the pageant, your hunting rifle is your charm 184 00:06:21,289 --> 00:06:24,049 and your fishing pole is also your charm. 185 00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:26,033 Boys, you're not a tube of meat. 186 00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:28,553 You're a tube of dedication and honor. 187 00:06:28,705 --> 00:06:31,631 Ham, Moon, let's see your sausage sashays 188 00:06:31,783 --> 00:06:33,116 for the opening parade. 189 00:06:33,209 --> 00:06:35,042 (both humming) 190 00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:36,377 -Ta-da! -Ta-da! 191 00:06:36,397 --> 00:06:37,729 Let me start by telling tell you 192 00:06:37,956 --> 00:06:40,065 what you're doing wrong: everything. 193 00:06:43,237 --> 00:06:46,071 Now, boys, remember what I told you last night. 194 00:06:46,298 --> 00:06:47,964 Don't talk about our plans or costumes. 195 00:06:48,057 --> 00:06:50,409 Or strategy with anyone at school. 196 00:06:50,636 --> 00:06:52,744 Keep your brains in your buns for the next ten days. 197 00:06:52,971 --> 00:06:54,638 Keep your meat lips zipped. 198 00:06:54,656 --> 00:06:55,805 Ugh, that sounded terrible 199 00:06:55,974 --> 00:06:58,158 but I nonetheless stand behind it. 200 00:06:59,235 --> 00:07:01,478 -Hey, Wolf. -Oh, hello there, my lady. 201 00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:04,481 Guess you, uh, uh, like to walk in doors, huh? 202 00:07:04,650 --> 00:07:06,925 Might as well call you Christopher "Walking." 203 00:07:07,076 --> 00:07:08,743 That's with an I-N-G. Burn. 204 00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:10,929 -Wolf, what the hell are you talking about? -Aw, sorry. 205 00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:13,080 I'm just working out the kinks on my emcee routine. 206 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:15,767 On a scale of Gaffigan to Paperclip, where am I? 207 00:07:15,919 --> 00:07:18,437 It's, uh, perfect. I mean, what is it? 208 00:07:18,664 --> 00:07:20,180 Great note. You remember when we watched 209 00:07:20,274 --> 00:07:22,666 that Comedy Central Roast of William H. Macy 210 00:07:22,684 --> 00:07:24,926 and Schwimmer said he looked like a big newsie? 211 00:07:25,020 --> 00:07:26,686 Oh, boy, did he get Schwimmed. 212 00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:29,506 Yeah, and Andy Cohen said his arc on ER flatlined. 213 00:07:29,524 --> 00:07:31,341 (laughs) He took it with grace, though. 214 00:07:31,359 --> 00:07:32,951 Anyway, that's what I was thinking I'd do 215 00:07:33,102 --> 00:07:34,769 to my fellow Lone Moosers-- roast 'em. 216 00:07:34,938 --> 00:07:36,029 That's a great idea. 217 00:07:36,181 --> 00:07:37,681 I can't wait to see my man onstage, 218 00:07:37,774 --> 00:07:38,957 insulting everyone we know. 219 00:07:39,108 --> 00:07:40,700 Try me again. I want to feel the heat. 220 00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:41,943 Okay, here I go. 221 00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,946 You, uh... uh, you look like a big newsie. 222 00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:48,115 -Babe. -And your arc on ER flatlined. 223 00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:49,784 -(beeps) -Hmm. 224 00:07:49,861 --> 00:07:51,953 Yeah, maybe you should go on out and get some practice, sweetie. 225 00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:53,972 Great idea. I better pick up some sunblock 226 00:07:54,199 --> 00:07:56,791 'cause this town is about to get burned. 227 00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:57,884 RUSSELL: I'm going as my mom's 228 00:07:58,036 --> 00:07:59,219 boyfriend Jamie's 229 00:07:59,313 --> 00:08:00,553 favorite sausage, chorizo. 230 00:08:00,630 --> 00:08:02,647 He went to chef school for six months. 231 00:08:02,799 --> 00:08:04,224 And he would have graduated 232 00:08:04,392 --> 00:08:06,300 except for the professor chef was very jealous of him. 233 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:07,969 My mom stayed up all night 234 00:08:08,063 --> 00:08:10,063 turning a Life Savers sleeping bag into a sausage costume. 235 00:08:10,215 --> 00:08:12,991 It fits, but it still clearly says "Life Savers." 236 00:08:13,142 --> 00:08:16,143 So, Moon, now you say what you're wearing. 237 00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:17,812 Moon, are you serious? 238 00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:18,830 We're your friends. 239 00:08:18,982 --> 00:08:20,890 I thought we were doing this together. 240 00:08:20,984 --> 00:08:22,392 My dad said you would say that. 241 00:08:22,485 --> 00:08:25,003 Ugh. You're being ridiculous and you're making no sense. 242 00:08:25,230 --> 00:08:28,231 A smart sausage keeps his spices in his sack. 243 00:08:28,324 --> 00:08:29,582 That's not a saying. 244 00:08:29,735 --> 00:08:32,585 It's sausage business, not sausage friends. 245 00:08:32,738 --> 00:08:35,071 I think I will also go eat by myself. 246 00:08:35,164 --> 00:08:36,515 Miss you guys. 247 00:08:36,666 --> 00:08:37,741 WOLF: Okay, Wolf, 248 00:08:37,834 --> 00:08:39,743 you can do this. You are the new king 249 00:08:39,761 --> 00:08:41,745 of Lone Moose insult comedy. 250 00:08:41,763 --> 00:08:43,522 Go over there and light her up. 251 00:08:43,749 --> 00:08:45,339 Hi, Mrs. Tuntley. 252 00:08:45,359 --> 00:08:46,432 Oh, hiya, Wolf. 253 00:08:46,509 --> 00:08:47,859 What brings you to the post office? 254 00:08:48,011 --> 00:08:49,861 Your hair looks like spaghetti. 255 00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:51,178 Roasted. 256 00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:52,589 Uh, no, it doesn't. 257 00:08:52,682 --> 00:08:56,117 Great point. Okay, well, uh, have a nice day. 258 00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:57,944 Uh, hey, Santiago. 259 00:08:58,096 --> 00:09:00,597 Uh, did you ever think how, uh, 260 00:09:00,690 --> 00:09:02,023 your name starts with S? 261 00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:03,950 (chuckles) S's look so weird. 262 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,618 It's like your name begins with a worm. 263 00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:08,029 (sighs) You're not the first person to say this. 264 00:09:08,106 --> 00:09:10,031 They used to call me "worm-name" in school. 265 00:09:10,108 --> 00:09:12,199 Okay. Well, that wasn't as fun as I thought it was gonna be. 266 00:09:12,294 --> 00:09:13,626 Uh, enjoy your sausage. 267 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:14,961 Hey, Wolf. 268 00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:17,630 Just about to drive these stools over to the VFW 269 00:09:17,783 --> 00:09:19,040 for the big pageant. What can I do for you? 270 00:09:19,134 --> 00:09:22,302 Oh, uh, this place, uh, sure is, uh... 271 00:09:22,454 --> 00:09:24,621 filled with junk. Ha, ha! 272 00:09:24,714 --> 00:09:25,805 Cleanup on Kyle 4. 273 00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:28,341 Uh, yeah. It's a junkyard. 274 00:09:28,493 --> 00:09:29,901 Okay, bye. Great junkyard. 275 00:09:30,128 --> 00:09:32,571 What the Jerry Sein-hell is wrong with me? 276 00:09:32,722 --> 00:09:34,464 I'm so bad at insult comedy. 277 00:09:34,557 --> 00:09:37,191 Well, we could only afford a couple basic hot dog costumes 278 00:09:37,302 --> 00:09:39,226 from Costume Castle, but we'll spruce 'em up. 279 00:09:39,304 --> 00:09:40,912 Now let's run through the official song. 280 00:09:41,139 --> 00:09:42,747 BOTH: ♪ You put in a dash of heart ♪ 281 00:09:42,974 --> 00:09:44,583 ♪ And a little bit of strength... ♪ 282 00:09:44,810 --> 00:09:45,917 HONEYBEE: Louder. 283 00:09:46,144 --> 00:09:47,310 ♪ Then you grind out a sausage ♪ 284 00:09:47,329 --> 00:09:48,978 ♪ Of a most impressive length... ♪ 285 00:09:48,997 --> 00:09:50,496 JUDY: Smiles, please. 286 00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:52,665 ♪ And that is how the boys are made ♪ 287 00:09:52,818 --> 00:09:53,983 ♪ Made, made. ♪ 288 00:09:53,985 --> 00:09:55,335 Wait. Are those really the lyrics? 289 00:09:55,429 --> 00:09:58,838 Hello. It is I, your father, and I come bearing a gift. 290 00:09:58,990 --> 00:10:00,156 HAM: Wow. 291 00:10:00,249 --> 00:10:01,674 What a stunning sausage. 292 00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:06,012 Yes, Moon, this is my bratwurst with all the fixins. 293 00:10:06,164 --> 00:10:08,773 But, Dad, didn't you poop in it? Like, a lot? 294 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,092 Yes, but I got it cleaned, many times. 295 00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:14,762 And now I'm giving it to Moon, because it's exactly his size. 296 00:10:14,931 --> 00:10:18,675 Oh, so Moon gets the incredible bratwurst, and I just wear this? 297 00:10:18,768 --> 00:10:20,935 Its mustard just glistens. 298 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,287 Mm-hmm. Yeah. Sure does. 299 00:10:22,514 --> 00:10:24,105 You're a chunk off the old tube, son. 300 00:10:24,182 --> 00:10:26,607 -(scoffs) -Ham, it's not my fault it fits me. 301 00:10:26,627 --> 00:10:29,127 Oh, isn't it? All that coffee you drink? 302 00:10:29,354 --> 00:10:31,129 Stunting your growth for years? 303 00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:33,039 -Uh-oh. -I knew this would happen. 304 00:10:33,191 --> 00:10:35,116 Pageant contestants always turn on each other. 305 00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:37,043 I'm not turning on anyone. I'm cool. 306 00:10:37,195 --> 00:10:39,696 I feel great in this stupid hot dog suit. 307 00:10:39,714 --> 00:10:41,789 Yeah. And I feel great that Ham feels great 308 00:10:41,883 --> 00:10:43,308 in his stupid hot dog suit. 309 00:10:43,459 --> 00:10:45,143 Well, thank you, Moon, for being so supportive 310 00:10:45,294 --> 00:10:46,460 of how stupid I look. 311 00:10:46,554 --> 00:10:48,146 You know what? Perhaps it would be better 312 00:10:48,297 --> 00:10:50,482 if me and Moon didn't work together anymore. 313 00:10:50,633 --> 00:10:52,225 Maybe we should just stew in our own pans. 314 00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:55,320 (laughs) Son, you would never stew a sausage. 315 00:10:55,547 --> 00:10:56,971 (grunts) You know what, Dad? 316 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:59,883 Since Moon gets your sacred, pooped-in costume, 317 00:10:59,901 --> 00:11:01,142 why don't you just work with him 318 00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:02,977 and I'll work with, uh, Honeybee. 319 00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:03,903 Sounds great. 320 00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,054 You stay and keep coaching Moon 321 00:11:05,073 --> 00:11:06,239 -so we can be rivals, too. -Gotcha. 322 00:11:06,391 --> 00:11:07,815 Ooh, this is so much fun! 323 00:11:07,834 --> 00:11:09,150 It is probably best 324 00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:12,395 that I focus on the younger, more sausage-y son. 325 00:11:12,488 --> 00:11:13,654 Wow. All right, Ham. 326 00:11:13,674 --> 00:11:15,656 Let's storm off to the guesthouse in a huff. 327 00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:16,824 Right behind you. 328 00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:19,094 See you in sausage hell, Dad and Moon. 329 00:11:21,664 --> 00:11:23,998 We are just two days away from the sausage event 330 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:25,742 of the century. Soon we will learn 331 00:11:25,744 --> 00:11:28,002 which boy in town will take the sausage crown. 332 00:11:28,096 --> 00:11:29,503 And now, a very different story 333 00:11:29,597 --> 00:11:31,931 about a man who makes pillow forts for ducks. 334 00:11:32,675 --> 00:11:34,526 I'm almost done with my sausage stretches, 335 00:11:34,695 --> 00:11:36,528 and then we can practice some more, Honeybee. 336 00:11:36,755 --> 00:11:38,363 Well, it's been fun having you stay with us, Ham, 337 00:11:38,514 --> 00:11:41,107 because of your feud with Dad and Judy and Moon. 338 00:11:41,259 --> 00:11:42,442 Oh, there's Moon now. 339 00:11:42,594 --> 00:11:43,776 -Can you tell him he sucks? -Sure. 340 00:11:43,929 --> 00:11:45,261 Hey, buddy, Ham says you suck. 341 00:11:45,354 --> 00:11:46,946 Can you tell him he sucks worse? 342 00:11:47,098 --> 00:11:50,041 No problem, buddy. Moon says you suck worse. 343 00:11:50,193 --> 00:11:51,617 Ugh. "You suck worse." 344 00:11:51,712 --> 00:11:54,604 That's the kind of magic I need to harness for this comedy gig. 345 00:11:54,622 --> 00:11:56,773 But I'm afraid my roaster is on the fritz. 346 00:11:56,791 --> 00:11:59,200 Don't worry, babe. You just got to keep doing it. Remember? 347 00:11:59,294 --> 00:12:01,127 That's what Carlos Mencia said in his MasterClass. 348 00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:03,613 You're right. Well, I'm off to do some more zingin'. 349 00:12:03,706 --> 00:12:05,873 And I'm thinking maybe I try out a catchphrase, 350 00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:08,634 like, uh, how's this: "Uh, ya think?" 351 00:12:08,787 --> 00:12:09,877 I love a catchphrase. 352 00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:11,287 Like when Kenny the Internet Guy said 353 00:12:11,380 --> 00:12:12,564 "Somebody needs a reboot." 354 00:12:12,791 --> 00:12:14,065 Uh, ya think? 355 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:17,293 Okay, Ham, just one more stitch on this pickle should do it. 356 00:12:17,312 --> 00:12:18,552 Ow! My finger. 357 00:12:18,572 --> 00:12:20,405 Mm. Got to grab a Band-Aid from the main house. 358 00:12:20,574 --> 00:12:22,907 Tell everyone there I'll see them in hell again. 359 00:12:23,134 --> 00:12:24,650 (phone rings) 360 00:12:24,819 --> 00:12:26,486 Tobin residence, you got the Bee. 361 00:12:26,580 --> 00:12:27,895 Hi, Honeybee, it's Brian. 362 00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:29,155 I had a last-minute meeting in Ted's Folly 363 00:12:29,307 --> 00:12:30,582 and thought I'd stop by before I head out. 364 00:12:30,733 --> 00:12:31,657 Is my brother around? 365 00:12:31,752 --> 00:12:33,067 He's probably hiding from me. 366 00:12:33,161 --> 00:12:34,994 The whole family's in a big feud because Moon and Ham 367 00:12:35,146 --> 00:12:36,755 both entered the Little Mr. Ketchikan 368 00:12:36,831 --> 00:12:38,239 Canned Sausage Gentleman Pageant. 369 00:12:38,333 --> 00:12:40,833 I'm sorry, but did you just say the Little Mr. Ketchikan 370 00:12:40,986 --> 00:12:42,335 Canned Sausage Gentleman Pageant? 371 00:12:42,487 --> 00:12:44,153 I did say the Little Mr. Ketchikan 372 00:12:44,247 --> 00:12:45,655 -Canned Sausage Gentleman Pageant. -Oh, God. 373 00:12:45,748 --> 00:12:48,249 Honeybee, meet me at the Russian Restaurant in one hour. 374 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,009 I have to tell you something very important 375 00:12:50,161 --> 00:12:51,085 about that pageant. 376 00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:52,604 -You're scaring me, Brian. -Good. 377 00:12:52,831 --> 00:12:54,180 (chuckles) Oh, my God, I love this. 378 00:12:54,332 --> 00:12:56,349 BRIAN: That's what Beef told you, huh? 379 00:12:56,501 --> 00:12:58,351 Yes. He got poop-attacked by some nasty rival. 380 00:12:58,503 --> 00:13:02,005 What Beef didn't tell you was that this nasty rival was me. 381 00:13:02,023 --> 00:13:04,265 (gasps) You diarrhea-ed your own brother? 382 00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:05,691 No. I was framed. 383 00:13:05,786 --> 00:13:07,726 -By who? -By Beef himself. 384 00:13:07,879 --> 00:13:08,787 What? Oh, do go on. 385 00:13:09,014 --> 00:13:10,938 There were two favorites that year-- Beef 386 00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:13,366 and myself. Beef wanted to win so badly, 387 00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,018 but then he slipped during his sausage sashay. 388 00:13:15,036 --> 00:13:16,869 -(whimpering) -(gasping) -Wow. 389 00:13:17,022 --> 00:13:19,522 BRIAN: And that slip gave me the edge. 390 00:13:19,541 --> 00:13:21,115 Beef saw the trophy sliding away, 391 00:13:21,209 --> 00:13:23,450 like ground-up intestines on a conveyor belt. 392 00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:25,378 And that's when the evil idea hit. 393 00:13:25,530 --> 00:13:27,547 Beef had been eating so much sausage, his constipation 394 00:13:27,699 --> 00:13:28,807 was out of control. 395 00:13:28,958 --> 00:13:30,216 He had to carry a large bottle 396 00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:32,201 of liquid laxative with him everywhere he went. 397 00:13:32,220 --> 00:13:33,719 And so he chugged down the whole bottle. 398 00:13:33,872 --> 00:13:36,648 And then stuck the empty container in my backpack 399 00:13:36,799 --> 00:13:37,707 to frame me. 400 00:13:37,725 --> 00:13:38,632 (farts) 401 00:13:38,652 --> 00:13:39,484 (crowd gasps) 402 00:13:40,303 --> 00:13:42,636 BRIAN: It was a brilliant plan, but then the whole town 403 00:13:42,656 --> 00:13:44,823 was kicked out of the pageant 404 00:13:44,974 --> 00:13:46,065 and banned for 30 years. 405 00:13:46,142 --> 00:13:47,641 Are you telling me this because you think 406 00:13:47,661 --> 00:13:49,552 we should pull Ham and Moon out of the pageant 407 00:13:49,721 --> 00:13:50,553 before it tears them apart? 408 00:13:50,722 --> 00:13:51,812 Oh, not at all. 409 00:13:51,906 --> 00:13:53,406 I was thinking we could laxative Moon, 410 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,500 but with less laxative, so we don't get fully banned. 411 00:13:55,727 --> 00:13:57,060 Or Ham frames Moon, and... 412 00:13:57,078 --> 00:13:57,910 Brian, no. 413 00:13:58,063 --> 00:13:59,170 Okay, fine. 414 00:13:59,397 --> 00:14:00,730 But at least let me stay in town for the weekend 415 00:14:00,748 --> 00:14:01,731 and help you and Ham. 416 00:14:01,749 --> 00:14:02,732 Oh, I brought you something. 417 00:14:02,750 --> 00:14:03,842 (gasps) Is that... 418 00:14:03,993 --> 00:14:06,069 My old costume? Frig yeah. 419 00:14:06,162 --> 00:14:07,420 Welcome to the team, Uncle Brian. 420 00:14:07,496 --> 00:14:08,847 WOLF: Thanks for coming, guys. 421 00:14:08,998 --> 00:14:11,257 I really need to test out my emcee material. 422 00:14:11,409 --> 00:14:12,350 Here goes. (clears throat) 423 00:14:12,501 --> 00:14:14,760 Welcome to the Little Mr. Ketchikan 424 00:14:14,929 --> 00:14:16,596 Canned Sausage Gentleman Pageant. 425 00:14:16,764 --> 00:14:19,432 Tonight's pageant is dedicated to the canned sausage. 426 00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:21,008 And you know what else is canned? 427 00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:24,511 Mr. Golovkin, 'cause he canned teach. (laughs) 428 00:14:24,606 --> 00:14:25,755 Incredible. 429 00:14:25,848 --> 00:14:27,514 Oh, now, he's a good man, Wolf. 430 00:14:27,609 --> 00:14:29,926 Tonight we'll see our town's boys compete, 431 00:14:30,019 --> 00:14:31,444 but before this, we all mostly competed 432 00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:33,446 to see who could pass Delmer on the road. 433 00:14:33,598 --> 00:14:36,190 'Cause he drives slow. 'Cause he's old. 434 00:14:36,359 --> 00:14:37,450 -Ouch. -Zing-ah, zing-ah. 435 00:14:37,602 --> 00:14:39,544 Wolf, I know edgy stuff is popular, 436 00:14:39,695 --> 00:14:41,546 heck, I'm a huge Bones fan myself, 437 00:14:41,773 --> 00:14:45,032 but there could be some hurt feelings if you do these jokes. 438 00:14:45,126 --> 00:14:47,201 But funny hurt feelings. People love that. 439 00:14:47,295 --> 00:14:50,204 Huh. I guess I just need to workshop this some more. 440 00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:52,632 Be less mean, but also absolutely brutal 441 00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:53,892 at the same time. 442 00:14:54,119 --> 00:14:55,785 It's a very delicate dance, but I can do it. 443 00:14:55,803 --> 00:14:57,470 Well, back to the comedy lab I go. 444 00:14:57,564 --> 00:15:02,049 ♪ We can make a better world where no one is alone ♪ 445 00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:04,068 ♪ Where we're all encased in tubes of love ♪ 446 00:15:04,220 --> 00:15:06,312 ♪ Like meats and bits of bone ♪ 447 00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:10,149 ♪ If you mix us all together, then we all taste the same... ♪ 448 00:15:10,301 --> 00:15:11,150 HAM: And thus 449 00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:12,726 concludes my talent, 450 00:15:12,804 --> 00:15:15,304 fully frosting a sausage surprise cake in three minutes. 451 00:15:15,398 --> 00:15:17,156 (sniffles) He's ready. 452 00:15:17,325 --> 00:15:19,825 -♪ ♪ -(grunting) 453 00:15:19,978 --> 00:15:21,477 (sniffles) He's ready. 454 00:15:21,496 --> 00:15:24,997 All right, son, let's get in there and moon the competition. 455 00:15:25,166 --> 00:15:28,334 (gasps) Brian? Have you been working with Ham? 456 00:15:28,486 --> 00:15:29,910 You bet your bratwurst I have. 457 00:15:30,079 --> 00:15:31,912 And we're here to win, so eat it and weep. 458 00:15:32,006 --> 00:15:33,656 Or should I say eat it and poop? 459 00:15:33,675 --> 00:15:34,933 -Too soon. -Too soon? 460 00:15:35,126 --> 00:15:37,084 It was an inside job. You made yourself poop. 461 00:15:37,178 --> 00:15:39,162 Why don't you take your link and leave? 462 00:15:39,222 --> 00:15:40,329 Make me, meat man. 463 00:15:40,348 --> 00:15:42,440 Guys, no. We just got unbanned. 464 00:15:42,667 --> 00:15:44,000 You two, separate now. 465 00:15:44,018 --> 00:15:45,017 Oh, I'm not here to cause trouble. 466 00:15:45,170 --> 00:15:46,519 I'm just here to see one of my nephews 467 00:15:46,671 --> 00:15:49,021 destroy my other nephew during a sausage contest. 468 00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:50,264 Standard uncle stuff. 469 00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:52,099 And I'm just here to support my son. 470 00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:54,327 -Me? Oh, right. -Not you, Ham. 471 00:15:57,123 --> 00:16:00,183 All right, you two are to sit on opposite sides of the room. 472 00:16:00,351 --> 00:16:02,943 And I can't believe I'm having to say this to two adults, 473 00:16:02,963 --> 00:16:05,188 but no giving laxatives to the children. 474 00:16:05,281 --> 00:16:07,448 We don't need laxatives to win. But... 475 00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,616 (chuckles) Ham would need the judges 476 00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:10,784 to take blindness pills. 477 00:16:10,804 --> 00:16:11,861 -Dad! -Father! -Beef! 478 00:16:11,954 --> 00:16:12,953 I warned you all that 479 00:16:12,973 --> 00:16:14,380 this pageant made me crazy. 480 00:16:14,532 --> 00:16:16,215 Besides, it's just sausage talk. Grow up. 481 00:16:16,367 --> 00:16:18,701 You should grow up. Moon is a garbage boy. 482 00:16:18,794 --> 00:16:20,645 Uncle Brian! Moon, 483 00:16:20,755 --> 00:16:21,813 -you are my enemy... -Right. 484 00:16:21,964 --> 00:16:23,556 -and I do hate you... -Same. 485 00:16:23,708 --> 00:16:24,631 but you are not garbage. 486 00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:26,209 All right, everyone inside. 487 00:16:26,227 --> 00:16:27,986 The sausage show must go on. 488 00:16:28,137 --> 00:16:30,229 Welcome to the Little Mr. Ketchikan 489 00:16:30,381 --> 00:16:32,215 Canned Sausage Gentleman Pageant. 490 00:16:32,308 --> 00:16:34,900 I'm Wolf, your hostess with the roast-ess. 491 00:16:35,053 --> 00:16:36,902 Tonight is dedicated to taste. 492 00:16:37,030 --> 00:16:39,480 And you know who's got no taste? Londra. 493 00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:40,498 Hey! 494 00:16:40,649 --> 00:16:41,724 Wait. 495 00:16:41,726 --> 00:16:42,742 'Cause she lost her sense of taste 496 00:16:42,894 --> 00:16:43,835 in a chili pepper accident. 497 00:16:44,062 --> 00:16:46,004 And she has our empathy and respect. 498 00:16:46,231 --> 00:16:47,654 Aw. Thank you, Wolf. 499 00:16:47,749 --> 00:16:48,840 Uh, ya think? 500 00:16:49,009 --> 00:16:50,416 (whoops) There is it, babe. 501 00:16:50,568 --> 00:16:52,677 Tonight, we'll see our town's boys compete 502 00:16:52,828 --> 00:16:54,495 for a year's supply of sausage. 503 00:16:54,572 --> 00:16:57,406 And you know who else is always giving it away? Alyson. 504 00:16:57,425 --> 00:17:00,167 -What the... -And by "it" I mean attention... 505 00:17:00,261 --> 00:17:02,912 to those in need, by teaching free art classes 506 00:17:02,930 --> 00:17:04,689 at the Old Moose Senior Home. 507 00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:06,098 -(cheering) -It's true. 508 00:17:06,251 --> 00:17:07,692 I also have sex with a lot of people. 509 00:17:07,919 --> 00:17:10,844 What a roller coaster ride of feelings you're creating, Wolf. 510 00:17:10,864 --> 00:17:12,179 Thank you, Santiago. 511 00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:14,198 And you know why the Moose in our town is Lone? 512 00:17:14,425 --> 00:17:18,185 -Because this town absolutely blows... -(all gasp) 513 00:17:18,279 --> 00:17:19,871 other towns out of the water. 514 00:17:20,098 --> 00:17:21,873 Thank you very much. Tip your waiters. 515 00:17:22,024 --> 00:17:24,934 And now let the sausage parade commence. 516 00:17:25,027 --> 00:17:26,044 (cheering) 517 00:17:26,271 --> 00:17:28,938 -Are you crying? I'm crying. -(whoops) 518 00:17:28,956 --> 00:17:30,456 (grunts) 519 00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:32,775 My name is Gretchen, Gretchen Wieners. 520 00:17:32,794 --> 00:17:35,127 And I used to be a mean girl. 521 00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:38,556 But only because I didn't feel like a seen girl. 522 00:17:38,707 --> 00:17:41,117 (singing in German) 523 00:17:41,210 --> 00:17:44,062 -(electronic music playing) -(grunting rhythmically) 524 00:17:44,213 --> 00:17:46,305 But maybe the new girl Cady is right. 525 00:17:46,457 --> 00:17:47,807 We shouldn't be mean girls anymore. 526 00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:49,475 Let's be nice instead. 527 00:17:49,644 --> 00:17:50,643 (cheering) 528 00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:52,719 Russell, we need an ingredient. 529 00:17:52,814 --> 00:17:55,481 -Um, tarragon? -(buzzer sounds) 530 00:17:55,633 --> 00:17:56,482 Ham? 531 00:17:56,634 --> 00:17:57,558 Mm. Paprika. 532 00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:58,743 Correct. Moon? 533 00:17:58,820 --> 00:18:00,578 -Butt. -Yes. Henry. 534 00:18:00,729 --> 00:18:02,154 Rhubarb. No. Rhododendron. 535 00:18:02,307 --> 00:18:03,306 -Aah! -(buzzer sounds) 536 00:18:03,324 --> 00:18:05,166 Ham, we need an ingredient. 537 00:18:06,477 --> 00:18:08,144 Um, xanthan gum? 538 00:18:08,162 --> 00:18:09,312 Nailed it. Moon. 539 00:18:09,330 --> 00:18:10,646 Mm... 540 00:18:10,665 --> 00:18:14,258 Hydroxynated butylatazilone? 541 00:18:14,410 --> 00:18:17,929 -Ha! -No, I'm sorry, that ingredient was outlawed in 1997. 542 00:18:18,156 --> 00:18:20,080 Ham Tobin takes the tasting round. 543 00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:21,081 Good game, Ham. 544 00:18:21,101 --> 00:18:22,508 -Don't you talk to him! -Beef. 545 00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:23,584 Sorry. 546 00:18:23,678 --> 00:18:24,918 Welp, Ham's gonna win. 547 00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:26,178 Don't give up. There's still the interview. 548 00:18:26,331 --> 00:18:28,272 Either way, we're looking at a full year 549 00:18:28,424 --> 00:18:31,851 of the champagne of sausages going right down our gullets. 550 00:18:31,945 --> 00:18:33,694 -Ah. Cheers, baby. -Cheers. 551 00:18:35,115 --> 00:18:36,505 Hey. 552 00:18:36,524 --> 00:18:38,841 -Pretty wild about Dad and Brian, huh? -I guess. 553 00:18:38,843 --> 00:18:40,676 Sorry I've been so competitive. 554 00:18:40,695 --> 00:18:42,528 I just want you to know that I would never 555 00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:44,771 make myself poop on stage and then frame you. 556 00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,015 I wouldn't either. 557 00:18:46,033 --> 00:18:48,150 I know everyone else is enjoying our rivalry, 558 00:18:48,202 --> 00:18:49,943 but I've missed hanging out with you. 559 00:18:50,112 --> 00:18:51,462 This was supposed to be a fun thing 560 00:18:51,689 --> 00:18:52,855 that we did together. 561 00:18:52,948 --> 00:18:54,781 Maybe we don't have the right sausage spirit. 562 00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:56,617 Or maybe we do. 563 00:18:56,711 --> 00:18:57,951 What are you talking about? 564 00:18:58,045 --> 00:19:00,045 I'm talking about showing Dad and Uncle Brian 565 00:19:00,198 --> 00:19:03,141 and the whole town how these boys are made. 566 00:19:03,368 --> 00:19:06,869 And that's why we have to go to war with Winnipeg. 567 00:19:06,962 --> 00:19:08,371 -(applause) -Thank you, Russell. 568 00:19:08,389 --> 00:19:10,606 And now, give it up for Ham. 569 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:15,211 -(all gasp) -Guys, uh, what's... 570 00:19:15,229 --> 00:19:18,898 Moon and I are not competing against each other anymore. 571 00:19:19,050 --> 00:19:21,050 That's right. We're one sausage, 572 00:19:21,143 --> 00:19:22,827 pressed through the same grinder. 573 00:19:22,978 --> 00:19:24,162 -Moon, no. -Oh, come on, Ham. 574 00:19:24,389 --> 00:19:26,480 I'm sorry, but according to the pageant rules, 575 00:19:26,557 --> 00:19:28,482 you can't compete in the same costume. 576 00:19:28,576 --> 00:19:30,743 Please go backstage and unlink yourselves 577 00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:32,411 into separate sausage costumes. 578 00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:36,065 No. The thing about sausages is they are linked. 579 00:19:36,083 --> 00:19:38,342 And as siblings, we're also linked. 580 00:19:38,494 --> 00:19:40,236 Everyone in this room is linked. 581 00:19:40,329 --> 00:19:43,163 And that's the real message of the pageant. 582 00:19:43,183 --> 00:19:45,016 You may now applaud. 583 00:19:45,167 --> 00:19:48,244 Guys, I said no shenanigans. We just got unbanned. 584 00:19:48,337 --> 00:19:50,079 Yeah. This is Alaska. 585 00:19:50,097 --> 00:19:52,097 The lesson is secure the meat for winter 586 00:19:52,250 --> 00:19:53,641 so we all don't die. 587 00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:55,359 Sure, me and Beef got the town banned from the pageant 588 00:19:55,511 --> 00:19:57,695 for 30 years, but we went down fighting. 589 00:19:57,805 --> 00:20:00,681 Go backstage, change into your sausage costumes 590 00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:02,441 -and finish this. -Yeah! 591 00:20:02,593 --> 00:20:05,611 Okay. Geez. 592 00:20:05,763 --> 00:20:07,263 Everybody just calm down. 593 00:20:07,281 --> 00:20:09,281 We honestly thought you would like this. 594 00:20:09,434 --> 00:20:10,783 Ugh. They just blew it, huh? 595 00:20:10,935 --> 00:20:13,269 I don't know. Maybe one of them could still win. 596 00:20:13,362 --> 00:20:15,046 ♪ Here he stands ♪ 597 00:20:15,273 --> 00:20:19,366 ♪ The Little Mr. Ketchikan Canned Sausage Gentleman. ♪ 598 00:20:19,444 --> 00:20:20,384 I'm a hero. 599 00:20:20,536 --> 00:20:22,369 I feel like I just saved Private Ryan, 600 00:20:22,388 --> 00:20:23,203 whoever she is. 601 00:20:23,297 --> 00:20:25,114 That's my best friend up there. 602 00:20:25,132 --> 00:20:27,283 You know what? It was for the best. 603 00:20:27,376 --> 00:20:29,543 Drama John's gonna bring it home for the whole town. 604 00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:31,637 And I was able to steal these sausage cans 605 00:20:31,789 --> 00:20:32,713 off the sausage truck. 606 00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:33,973 Clutch move, Uncle Brian. 607 00:20:34,125 --> 00:20:36,717 I'm sorry if I was absolutely bonkers 608 00:20:36,811 --> 00:20:37,977 the last few weeks. 609 00:20:38,129 --> 00:20:39,462 I love you both equally. 610 00:20:39,555 --> 00:20:41,313 And that is why I'm saying this to both of you. 611 00:20:41,466 --> 00:20:44,316 Next year, you boys really have to be more serious. 612 00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:45,409 Oh, yeah. 613 00:20:45,636 --> 00:20:47,303 I think if I start stretching tomorrow, 614 00:20:47,321 --> 00:20:48,729 I'll be able to do the splits by next year for sure. 615 00:20:48,897 --> 00:20:51,323 Ooh. And what about putting Moon in a real meat suit, 616 00:20:51,476 --> 00:20:53,066 -like Lady Gaga? -Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 617 00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:54,252 And just a thought-- 618 00:20:54,479 --> 00:20:55,920 we could poison the other competitors. 619 00:20:56,089 --> 00:20:57,663 Now you guys are getting the hang of it. 620 00:20:57,815 --> 00:20:59,648 DRAMA JOHN: ♪ My name is Gretchen, Gretchen Wieners ♪ 621 00:20:59,742 --> 00:21:01,817 ♪ I used to be so nice, but then you guessed it ♪ 622 00:21:01,836 --> 00:21:02,985 ♪ I got meaners ♪ 623 00:21:03,078 --> 00:21:04,653 ♪ I'm a meany weenie girl ♪ 624 00:21:04,672 --> 00:21:06,430 ♪ Oh, baby, I'm a meany weenie girl ♪ 625 00:21:06,582 --> 00:21:09,174 ♪ But only because I don't feel like a seen-y girl ♪ 626 00:21:09,269 --> 00:21:10,751 ♪ My papa was so busy ♪ 627 00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:13,104 ♪ He never got to know me or my goldendoodle ♪ 628 00:21:13,331 --> 00:21:16,274 ♪ But I guess that's the price you pay ♪ 629 00:21:16,442 --> 00:21:18,609 ♪ For being the inventor of the Toaster Strudel ♪ 630 00:21:18,761 --> 00:21:20,836 ♪ My mama Colleen, she was also mean ♪ 631 00:21:20,855 --> 00:21:22,596 ♪ But then again, her own papa ♪ 632 00:21:22,615 --> 00:21:24,931 ♪ Was pretty busy inventing polypropylene ♪ 633 00:21:24,951 --> 00:21:26,617 ♪ It's a cycle, it's a cycle ♪ 634 00:21:26,727 --> 00:21:28,619 ♪ It's a cycle, it's a cycle, it's a cycle. ♪ 635 00:21:28,771 --> 00:21:29,695 Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT 636 00:21:29,847 --> 00:21:31,289 and TOYOTA. 637 00:21:31,516 --> 00:21:33,165 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org