1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,160 I read this thing. It said that back in the 1800s, 2 00:00:04,240 --> 00:00:06,560 women had so little standing in society 3 00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:09,480 that if a woman murdered someone, they could arrest her husband, 4 00:00:09,560 --> 00:00:10,840 like it was his fault. 5 00:00:10,920 --> 00:00:14,200 'Cause they considered that, in law, she was literally incapable. 6 00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:18,840 They thought women had no capacity for morals or common sense or anything. 7 00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:21,880 Which meant the husband was responsible for everything she did. 8 00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:24,520 So, if the wife murdered someone, her husband could be hanged. 9 00:00:24,600 --> 00:00:26,440 -[man] Oh, don't give her ideas. -I wish. 10 00:00:26,520 --> 00:00:28,680 Lucy, tell your mum, don't get ideas now. I'm not safe. 11 00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:31,600 As soon as you get there, you bring that law back fast as you can. 12 00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:33,240 -I'll have a word. -[mother] Good boy. 13 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:35,960 He's not the Lord bloody Chancellor. He's gonna study the law, not make it. 14 00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:37,560 -Well, give him time. -No! 15 00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:39,880 Definition of a barrister is a servant of the law. 16 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:43,360 He's leaving home to buckle down and work hard. That's the point. 17 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:45,920 I meant to say, I'll go through your wardrobe next week. 18 00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:47,800 There's stuff in there from when you were 12. 19 00:00:50,160 --> 00:00:51,840 -It can all go. -But just leave it. 20 00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:53,520 I'll sort it out when I come back. 21 00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:57,640 Oh, that's not till Christmas. 22 00:00:57,720 --> 00:00:59,440 Yeah, but I know where everything is. 23 00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:01,920 Well, I won't go mad. 24 00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:04,400 Anything nice, I'll... I'll put to one side. 25 00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:06,960 But I can move everything out and give it a good scrub. 26 00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:11,600 All the corners. Maybe even paint it. 27 00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:15,520 By the time you come back, it'll be like new. Hmm. 28 00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:26,480 I'll give you a call and let you know the number. 29 00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:33,320 [mother] I mean it... It's different on the mainland. 30 00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:35,640 If you see something left on the bus or a tube, 31 00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:38,800 anything left on its own, don't touch it, all right? 32 00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:45,880 [horn blows] 33 00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:47,400 [seagull squawking] 34 00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:52,320 There's some things your mother didn't pack. 35 00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:54,480 I don't want you getting some girl in trouble. 36 00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:56,200 But make sure they all get used. 37 00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:58,960 Your mother's right. It is different on the mainland. 38 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:02,440 It's a lot more fun. 39 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:13,040 [laughing continues] 40 00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:20,640 ["It Feels Like I'm in Love" by Kelly Marie playing] 41 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:29,280 ♪ It feels like It feels like I'm in love ♪ 42 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:37,480 ♪ My knees shake My heart beats like a drum ♪ 43 00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:43,560 [car horn honking] 44 00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:45,440 -So, what's all that about then? -How do you mean? 45 00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:48,080 Your dad. Past week he's been picking you up every night. 46 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:50,920 He's working round the corner and he likes going for a pint, that's all. 47 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:53,200 All right then. Have one for me, yeah? I'll see you tomorrow. 48 00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:54,280 See ya. 49 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:09,520 -Who's he? -That's not fair. 50 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:11,560 I can't help working with men, can I? 51 00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:13,800 [engine starts] 52 00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:20,960 [woman shouting in foreign language] 53 00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:26,360 [foreign language continues] 54 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:49,680 Father, forgive my son Roscoe. 55 00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:52,080 He has fallen into the pit of sodomy. 56 00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:53,400 Save him, O Lord. 57 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:06,480 [woman] Uncle Basil's here. I warned you. He's gonna take you home. 58 00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:08,200 Look. 59 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:11,680 There's 120 quid. It's all I've got. Just take it and go. 60 00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:13,040 But go where? 61 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:15,320 I don't know. You're the one with the secret little friends. 62 00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:16,400 Go to them. I don't care. 63 00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:18,640 Uncle Basil can't take me out the country, not if I say no. 64 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:21,280 If you cause trouble, he says the whole family can go back to Nigeria, 65 00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:22,640 and I'm not! 66 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:23,920 I won't. 67 00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:27,280 You're not gonna ruin my life too. 68 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:31,720 -Roscoe. -[sighs] 69 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:33,920 If they send you back home... 70 00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:38,560 they will beat you and bleed you. 71 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:42,160 In the name of God, they will kill you. 72 00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:46,880 Then they'll throw your body into the forest and leave you for the animals. 73 00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:51,320 You stupid little kid. 74 00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:55,000 Uncle Basil's downstairs. 75 00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:56,880 Just run. 76 00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:00,320 [whispering] Run. 77 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:06,400 It goes without saying, but if you need me to make the journey alongside you, 78 00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:08,800 I will be more than happy. 79 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:10,480 It would be an honour. 80 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,280 That would help. 81 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:14,800 Thank you. 82 00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:16,680 Given the time of arrival, 83 00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:20,160 some people choose to stay in Lagos for the first night. 84 00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:24,880 But if you take my advice, get him out of the city as fast as you can. 85 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,360 I can get you a car and a driver. It's easily done. 86 00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:28,440 [thump] 87 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:31,040 [father] But that's an additional cost, on top of the rest. 88 00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:33,720 [Uncle Basil] The Society would help. That's why they exist. 89 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,680 You fall, they catch you with open arms. 90 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:37,840 [door closes] 91 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:40,560 [mother] But it could take months to heal the boy. 92 00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:43,480 How do I cope with Oscar away and no money coming in? 93 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:47,280 Again, the Society is there. 94 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:49,800 We have anticipated everything. 95 00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:51,360 [clattering] 96 00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:52,720 What is he doing? 97 00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:55,400 Your son has the devil in him tonight, Rosa. 98 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:57,080 [Basil] That's exactly the problem. 99 00:05:57,160 --> 00:05:59,000 [loud clattering] 100 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:01,360 What in the name of the Lord? 101 00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:06,120 I'm going now, so thank you very much. 102 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:07,560 And if you need to forward any mail, 103 00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:11,080 I'll be staying at 23 Piss Off Avenue, London W Fuck. 104 00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:13,520 Thank you and goodbye. 105 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:14,800 [woman ululating] 106 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:18,200 [Uncle Basil] No. No. No! 107 00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:20,160 No. No! 108 00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:23,360 Roscoe! Come back here! 109 00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:27,400 [woman continues laughing] 110 00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:32,040 ♪ My head is in a spin My feet don't touch the ground ♪ 111 00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:33,200 [father] Roscoe! 112 00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:35,200 Roscoe, come back here! 113 00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:38,120 Roscoe! Come back here! 114 00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:42,640 If you leave now, you don't come back. Roscoe! 115 00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:46,880 -♪ It feels like-- ♪ -[doorbell rings] 116 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:48,480 [Colin] Hello. 117 00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:51,640 Don't just stand there. In you come. That's a good lad. 118 00:06:56,920 --> 00:07:00,240 Now then, I went through everything with your mother, but first things first. 119 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:01,320 There's the telephone, 120 00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:03,800 and there's a jotter on the side so you can make a list of any calls. 121 00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:07,920 Just write the duration and whether it was before or after 6:00 p.m. 122 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,680 Oh, that's the family. That's Mike and my lad, Ross. 123 00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:12,440 Colin's arrived, boys. 124 00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:15,120 We can all have a cup of tea once you've settled in. 125 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:17,200 And breakfast is included. 126 00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:21,080 If you've got a radio or a tape deck, then not past 10:00 p.m. 127 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:23,680 And it's a cheque every Friday morning. 128 00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:26,240 That's the inventory. 129 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:30,080 And, obviously, no girls in the room. Goes without saying. 130 00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:32,320 It's nice though, isn't it? 131 00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:34,160 Lovely. Thank you very much. 132 00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:36,600 And there's "lovely". How funny. 133 00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:45,280 [bell chiming] 134 00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:47,560 [clock ticking loudly] 135 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:51,640 [bell chiming continues] 136 00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:04,840 [chattering in distance] 137 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:13,440 [Colin] I learn something new every day. 138 00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:15,840 I had to memorise all the Oxford and Cambridge ties, 139 00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:18,200 'cause all the different colleges have got a different tie. 140 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:19,360 But I did it. 141 00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:22,080 Well, you've always had a good memory. I could have told them that. 142 00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:25,400 I remember you revising. You'd learn whole chapters off by heart. 143 00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:27,560 -[door closes] -What's it like outside of work? 144 00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:29,400 -[engine rumbling] -Is it nice? 145 00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:31,400 -Yeah. -You making friends? 146 00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:32,480 Yeah. 147 00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:36,440 There now. Lucky them, I say. What do you do, go for drinks? 148 00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:37,760 Yeah, sometimes. 149 00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:40,320 -You going out tonight? -Yeah. 150 00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:42,160 Oh, nice. Where you off to? 151 00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:47,240 I don't know. Anywhere. There's a million pubs and things. 152 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:49,640 We go all over. It's brilliant. 153 00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:53,160 [dramatic instrumental music plays] 154 00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:59,880 Well, I'll see you tomorrow. Bye-bye, and well done for today. 155 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:04,360 Oh, it was all Mr Coltrane's doing. I don't think they stood a chance. 156 00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:05,600 Just doing my job, sir. 157 00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:12,200 Well, congratulations. Colin, if you could just stay behind. 158 00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:16,760 Take your jacket off. 159 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:20,800 It's all about tiny little particles of cotton. 160 00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:22,880 They get under the fingernails. 161 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:24,560 They can get into the bloodstream. 162 00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:27,240 Tiny little fibres, burrowing in. 163 00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:29,880 So, you've got to wash. 164 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:33,520 At the end of every day, give yourself a good scrub. 165 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:36,000 Fingernails, between the fingers. 166 00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:37,680 Don't forget the thumbs. 167 00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:40,880 Otherwise, all those fibres can get inside. 168 00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:42,440 Come on. 169 00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:48,040 Well, start washing. I want to see your technique. 170 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:51,640 Fingernails and thumbs. 171 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:55,200 Come here. 172 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:59,000 All those tiny fibres, eliminate them. 173 00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:01,800 Every single dirty little bugger. 174 00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:04,760 Come on, take your shirt off. 175 00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:06,440 Come on, shirt off. 176 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,120 Huh? 177 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:13,840 You gotta take the arm, 178 00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:17,280 and you've got to clean it and clean it again. 179 00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:20,400 Got that, Colin? Clean it and clean it again. 180 00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:22,880 Clean it and clean it again. 181 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:25,360 Clean it and clean it again. 182 00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:27,440 Clean it and clean it again. 183 00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:29,320 And then under the arm. 184 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:30,840 [door hinges squeak] 185 00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:33,920 Sorry. I had that Penhaligon account going through my head. 186 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:36,360 Thought I'd do a little bit of homework, if that's all right. 187 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:39,960 I was teaching Colin cleanliness. 188 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:41,480 [Coltrane] Absolutely. 189 00:10:41,560 --> 00:10:42,800 [boss] Got that? 190 00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:44,440 Yes, sir. 191 00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:47,480 I'll see you two bright and early. 192 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,480 [door hinges squeaking, door closes] 193 00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:55,560 [water splashing] 194 00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:00,400 If he says anything, 195 00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:03,440 if he even suggests a little extramural activity, 196 00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:04,800 just give me the nod. 197 00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:08,120 I can always find ways to introduce his wife into the conversation. 198 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:12,600 I've got to say, he does pick them very well. 199 00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:16,200 Mr Hart does tend to know, if you see what I mean. 200 00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:17,640 Where are you from? 201 00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:20,680 Bryngof. It's in South Wales. 202 00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:22,680 I guessed it would be. You give that away slightly. 203 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:23,760 [chuckles] 204 00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:27,560 I don't suppose there's a girlfriend waiting back home in Wales, is there? 205 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:29,680 Perhaps a boyfriend? 206 00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:30,760 No. 207 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:34,160 But would there be? If you could? 208 00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:39,720 You don't have to worry about me. I'm not remotely interested. 209 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,920 If you insist on asking, and really I can't get a word in edgeways with you, 210 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:46,240 dear God, but I live in Hackney with a very nice man from the Algarve, 211 00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:47,760 and we've been together for decades, 212 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:51,160 so you're perfectly safe with me, Colin Morris-Jones. 213 00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:56,760 Really, though. Perfectly safe. 214 00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:01,360 So there isn't? 215 00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:02,720 A boyfriend? 216 00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:06,040 -No. -But you'd like there to be? 217 00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:09,200 Yes. 218 00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:12,640 Oh, my God. 219 00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:17,240 Don't worry. I won't tell anyone. 220 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,160 [shouting] Another pint for the bender, please! 221 00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:23,920 [Colin chuckles] 222 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:30,080 ["Tainted Love" by Soft Cell playing] 223 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:32,240 [chattering] 224 00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:36,440 ♪ Sometimes I feel ♪ 225 00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:39,680 ♪ I've got to run away ♪ 226 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:43,040 ♪ I've got to get away ♪ 227 00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:47,240 ♪ From the pain you drive Into the heart of me ♪ 228 00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:49,920 ♪ The love we share ♪ 229 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:53,440 ♪ Seems to go nowhere ♪ 230 00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:56,760 ♪ And I've lost my light ♪ 231 00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:20,520 [woman] So, the other day I was talking to my friend, 232 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:23,520 and he said they found 41 men with this cancer thing, 233 00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:25,920 and they all died at the same time in New York, 234 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:27,000 and they were all gay. 235 00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:28,720 [man] What, they all died on the same day? 236 00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:31,560 Yeah, that's what it said. 'Cause my uncle lives in Brooklyn. 237 00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:34,480 He said all 41 had exactly the same cancer. 238 00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:38,320 [mouthing words] 239 00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:40,560 [mouthing word] 240 00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:51,400 His name's Ash. 241 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:54,360 He's from Welwyn Garden City and he's a bender, so you're in with a chance. 242 00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:57,640 No, I was... just looking at your class. 243 00:13:57,720 --> 00:13:59,200 It looked like fun. 244 00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:02,200 -What are you, English and drama? -Yeah, first year. 245 00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:04,800 'Cause I did plays at school. 246 00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:06,560 I loved it. I was quite good. 247 00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:08,640 I thought about doing drama for a while. 248 00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:12,480 I'm-- I'm Ritchie, by the way. 249 00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:13,720 And I'm Jill. 250 00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:16,880 Do you wanna meet him then? Ash. 251 00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:19,960 I'm not-- I wasn't-- I was just literally looking. 252 00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:22,120 -So, you're not gay then? -No! 253 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:23,640 Oh, my God, no. 254 00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:25,920 I'm more like bisexual really, 'cause, you know, 255 00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:27,920 then you can fancy anyone in the room. 256 00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:30,760 Walk into a party, there's double the choice. 257 00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:32,400 Well, it's no good telling me. 258 00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:35,000 Tell him. Ash! Over here. 259 00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:37,600 Say hello. Don't be stupid. He's nice. He's sweet and funny. 260 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:41,440 This is Ritchie. He says he's bisexual, so he can have sex with you or me. 261 00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:44,200 So what do you wanna do? Wrestle for him? 262 00:14:57,240 --> 00:14:58,800 You need a bit of a wash. 263 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:01,840 -I had a shower this morning. -No. 264 00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:05,480 Uh, down there. Your-- Your ass. You need a good wash, okay? 265 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,080 [shower running] 266 00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:21,400 [chattering, laughing] 267 00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:34,480 Thanks for that. 268 00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:37,240 Sure. 269 00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:39,000 So, do you still want-- 270 00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:41,320 -It's kind of gone now. -Yeah. 271 00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,920 That's all right. I have to get back anyway. 272 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:49,720 Was that your first time? 273 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:50,800 No. 274 00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:54,040 Did you think I was exotic? 275 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:55,640 No. What does that mean? 276 00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:59,200 You're born and bred in the Isle of Wight. Do they have any Indians? 277 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:00,920 There's, like, one family. 278 00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:02,360 Oh. My God. 279 00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:04,200 They live in Wootton Bridge. 280 00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:07,760 Every time we drive past them, my dad says, "There they are." 281 00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:11,480 Not being offensive. Just, "There they are." 282 00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:15,720 -So what does he say about you? -Oh, my God. 283 00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:17,400 He doesn't know. 284 00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:18,960 They'd kill me. 285 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:21,640 Both of them, they'd chuck me out. I'm not kidding. 286 00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:25,160 I have to sit there, not saying a word. 287 00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:26,920 Dreaming of Steve Austin. 288 00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:29,360 Oh, God, yeah. 289 00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:32,840 Honestly, I'm so frustrated. 290 00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:35,360 -I used to fancy Stretch Armstrong. -[snickers] 291 00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:37,440 I did. It's those little trunks. 292 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:39,800 Did you see, they gave Stretch Armstrong a dog. 293 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:41,880 -He's called Fetch Armstrong. -I saw that. 294 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:46,280 I always thought Stretch Armstrong should have a dirty old uncle, Lech Armstrong. 295 00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:48,480 Lech. That's brilliant. 296 00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:50,000 It's good, isn't it? 297 00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:52,880 I did it with this guy, he was-- he was like a real Lech Armstrong. 298 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,120 -He was 37 years old. -Oh, my God. 299 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:57,440 Imagine telling your parents that? 300 00:16:57,520 --> 00:17:00,720 And it's-- it's even worse for you, coming from your background, you know? 301 00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:04,000 Like, with your parents. I mean, what are you, Hindus? 302 00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:06,680 You must be Hindus, I suppose. Is that right? Or Muslims. 303 00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:08,720 No, Hindus. You'll be Hindus. 304 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:11,440 Are you? Or Muslims? No, Buddhists. Are you Buddhists? 305 00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:14,440 No, it's Hindus, isn't it? Hindi, Hindu. Hindis? 306 00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:15,800 I'll see you around. 307 00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:30,960 Oh, my God. How did it go? 308 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:32,760 [sobbing] I'm sorry. 309 00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:34,600 Daft sod. [whispering] Come here. 310 00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:36,080 [wails] 311 00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:49,120 I was 18 years old, and I got a job at Gatwick. 312 00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:53,600 I was a ramp agent, and he was cabin crew with Iberia. 313 00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:56,680 He loved my job title. He used to say, "Are you ramp agent?" 314 00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:59,880 I would say, "Yes, I'm very ramp agent, thank you very much." [chuckles] 315 00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:01,200 And that went on for a bit. 316 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:04,880 And then one day, we got the train back to the little bedsit I had then, 317 00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:08,640 and he walked me to the door and he stepped inside, 318 00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:10,320 and then he never left. 319 00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:13,480 Thirty years ago. 320 00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:14,800 [bell clanging] 321 00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:18,200 He'll undoubtedly try to be funny, and he will say something blue. 322 00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:20,280 This is inevitable. 323 00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:25,720 Hello. Oh, this must be Colin. 324 00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:30,640 Excellent. You strip him naked and I'll shave his little bum, 325 00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:32,880 and then I'm gonna use the clothes pegs. 326 00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:34,120 [clicking tongue] 327 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:37,120 What did I say? First prize for predictability. 328 00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,200 -Good evening, sexy legs. -Hello. 329 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:42,040 Come on in. Come on. 330 00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:43,280 [Colin, Coltrane laughing] 331 00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:47,240 If you think that's funny, wait, wait, wait, there's more, there's more. 332 00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:50,360 And I said, "Where do you think you're going, mister, huh?" 333 00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:53,200 And he turned round, and you're never gonna guess what. 334 00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:57,880 -What? -It was the same man again! 335 00:18:57,960 --> 00:18:59,240 Hmm. 336 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,440 I liked it though. 337 00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:04,720 It was more fun when it was illegal. 338 00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:08,480 But what about your neighbours? Do they know about you? 339 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:10,880 No. [clicking tongue] 340 00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:12,600 We are a secret. 341 00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:16,040 When I leave the house, I dress like a lady. 342 00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:19,640 [Coltrane] Stop it. They know. They've always known. 343 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:20,720 [Juan Pablo] Yeah. 344 00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:23,560 It's like the official history of the world says 345 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:26,040 that men like us have always been hidden away in secret, 346 00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:29,880 but then there's the real world where we've been living together 347 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,720 for all this time. 348 00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:34,120 What about your families? Do-- 349 00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:37,520 Well, I moved on from them. 350 00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:40,000 How do you mean? 351 00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:43,240 I've moved on. 352 00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:47,040 But my mother, she comes over. 353 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:51,760 She doesn't ask. All these years, not a single question. 354 00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:54,320 There's only two bedrooms. She stays in the spare room. 355 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:57,280 Henry's in with me. So what does she think? 356 00:19:57,360 --> 00:19:59,400 But she says nothing. 357 00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:02,120 She loves him, like I do. 358 00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:05,480 No problem at all. Right? 359 00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:13,360 -Will you be in the room when I tell them? -No. 360 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:15,040 You've gotta do this on your own. 361 00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:18,400 Take a deep breath and tell 'em the truth. 362 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:26,120 -Here we are. -[seagulls squawking] 363 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,760 It's not much. It's a bit rubbish round here. 364 00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:30,560 Shut up. It's nice. 365 00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:33,040 -Thanks, Lucy. -Have you locked it? 366 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:42,200 Is she all right? 367 00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:45,480 Oh, she's always in a mood. 368 00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:50,800 Oh! Who's that strange man in my house? 369 00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:53,400 I don't know you. Clive, call the police! 370 00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:56,680 -I made it. Merry Christmas. -Oh, thanks. 371 00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:58,000 Right. 372 00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:01,040 Oh, you must be Jill. 373 00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:03,520 He never said. Where are you from? 374 00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:05,480 Just outside Woking. 375 00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:08,320 But originally, what's your-- what's your-- 376 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:11,040 what's your, you know, heritage? 377 00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:13,600 My dad's from Dominica in the Caribbean. 378 00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:17,920 Well, it doesn't bother us. 379 00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:19,880 Flag of all nations in this house. 380 00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:22,400 -Is there anything you don't eat? -No. I'll be fine, thank you. 381 00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:25,680 But we do have rules. Separate bedrooms. 382 00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:27,560 Sorry, sunshine, but not under my roof. 383 00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:30,320 And I don't wanna hear any creaking floorboards at midnight. 384 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:32,840 Do you understand? I know all the tricks. 385 00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:40,480 [chorus] ♪ We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy new year ♪ 386 00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:43,080 Right, no, you stay there. I'll clear up. I'll give these a rinse. 387 00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:45,960 -Oh, no, you sit down. You're a guest. -I don't mind, honestly, Anne. 388 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:48,120 Ritchie needs a word. Over to you. 389 00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:52,120 Well, what does that mean? Word about what? 390 00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:56,520 Oh, you're kidding me. Is this what I think it is? 391 00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:58,360 Like, she's not... [whispering] pregnant? 392 00:21:58,440 --> 00:21:59,960 -No! -Oh, thank God for that. 393 00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:01,640 Well, what-- what is it then? 394 00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:03,760 Okay. 395 00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:08,400 So, thing is, I've been thinking, the past few months, 396 00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:12,280 about my life and all sorts of things. 397 00:22:12,360 --> 00:22:16,480 So I've made a decision, and I just wanna explain it to you. 398 00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:22,760 I'm not doing law. 399 00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:26,040 I'm changing to drama. 400 00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:28,800 It's drama with English, so, you know, there's proper academic work, 401 00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:32,760 but it's a drama course really, um, and I think it's more me. 402 00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:34,000 Oh, you little idiot. 403 00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:37,240 No, but it's my choice, and I'm sorry, but that's what I'm doing. 404 00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:39,640 -[Clive] I think you'll find you're not. -It's already done. 405 00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:41,680 It's only been a term, so they said I could swap. 406 00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:43,920 What about your grant, hey? Did you think about that? 407 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:46,880 You don't get a grant for bloody drama. 408 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:51,720 Wha... Drama with a view to what? What are you gonna do with it? 409 00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:53,000 I'm gonna be an actor. 410 00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:56,840 You are so pathetic. 411 00:22:56,920 --> 00:23:00,360 Oh, that-- that-- that-- that's it. That's royal, that is. 412 00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:03,000 That is bloody excellent. You stupid little dreamer. 413 00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:12,760 Suppose this was your idea. 414 00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:14,160 -No. -Yeah. 415 00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:18,360 I mean, you just opened it up for him, didn't you? 416 00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:20,640 Your sweetness. 417 00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:36,160 [choir vocalising] 418 00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:39,080 [dramatic orchestral music playing] 419 00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:40,680 [crowd] Happy New Year! 420 00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:47,280 [classical disco music playing] 421 00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:54,800 [Jill] Oh, come on. 422 00:24:07,120 --> 00:24:09,240 [no audible dialogue] 423 00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:14,520 [music continues] 424 00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:33,200 [moaning] 425 00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:56,520 [chuckling] 426 00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:14,120 [music continues] 427 00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:17,920 [no audible dialogue] 428 00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:30,760 -Whoo! -[laughs] 429 00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:32,920 Whoo! 430 00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:39,720 -Ah! -Whoo! Whoo! 431 00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:41,760 [both laughing] 432 00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:43,840 And this is my best friend, Jill. 433 00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:45,320 No, I'm sorry, no. 434 00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:47,480 As drag goes, that is completely unconvincing. 435 00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:48,640 He needs a good shave! 436 00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:51,160 Look at the five o'clock shadow. He's so manly. 437 00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:54,640 -I'm the only one who is. -[all laughing] 438 00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:56,800 [Roscoe] She's camper than me. 439 00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:03,160 That cold came back. Juan Pablo. 440 00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:06,600 Do you remember, he had that silly little cough when the airline went bust? 441 00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:08,200 Then again in April. 442 00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:09,680 Now it's back. 443 00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:13,400 It's hard to tell though. He does make a three-act play of it. 444 00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:17,640 They've taken him into hospital. 445 00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:20,080 Oh. Sorry. 446 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:22,880 Is he all right? 447 00:26:23,880 --> 00:26:25,040 Yeah, fuss over nothing. 448 00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:29,320 They said it was pneumonia. 449 00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:33,400 Then they said it was like something you get from birds in his lungs. 450 00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:37,520 They said it was strange. They said it was some kind of psittacosis. 451 00:26:38,160 --> 00:26:40,680 -What, like you get in parrots? -That's what they said. 452 00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:43,480 You haven't got a parrot, have you? 453 00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:45,680 Of course we haven't got a fucking parrot. 454 00:26:49,360 --> 00:26:53,120 She sat me down and she said, "Has he been in contact with any birds?" 455 00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:55,720 I said, "No." I mean, what sort of question is that? 456 00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:57,800 Birds. 457 00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:00,400 But people don't get psittacosis, do they? 458 00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:02,800 Well, no. 459 00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:05,960 Except there he is. 460 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:11,320 It's ridiculous. 461 00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:16,840 -Hello. Good morning. -[woman] Oh, Colin. 462 00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:20,040 You'll have to work through your lunch, I'm afraid. 463 00:27:20,120 --> 00:27:23,240 Mr Coltrane's off sick, so you'll have to cover. 464 00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:24,680 Is that all right? 465 00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:26,720 Yeah, that's fine. Thank you. 466 00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:32,000 -[line ringing] -[sighs] 467 00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:33,640 [man 1 on radio] ...from a very similar tackle. 468 00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:37,880 [man 2] I think the referee, Mr Sims, is telling him, "One more chance." 469 00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:41,160 [man 1] So a free kick just outside the rover's box. 470 00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:44,320 [line ringing continues] 471 00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:48,480 [woman] Colin, this is Mr Brewster. 472 00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:52,280 He'll be standing in for Mr Coltrane, just till he gets better. 473 00:27:52,360 --> 00:27:54,520 Right. Hello. 474 00:27:57,320 --> 00:27:58,920 [knocking] 475 00:28:16,320 --> 00:28:17,560 Henry? 476 00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:20,400 It's me, Colin! 477 00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:44,040 Mr Brewster will be joining us on a permanent basis 478 00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:46,240 to replace Mr Coltrane. 479 00:28:46,320 --> 00:28:49,400 Welcome on board. You'll make a very good team. 480 00:28:57,840 --> 00:28:59,720 [knocking] 481 00:28:59,800 --> 00:29:02,400 You're wasting your time, love. 482 00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:04,840 He went into hospital last week. 483 00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:07,920 Henry. Ambulance. 4:00 in the morning. 484 00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:09,640 Bad chest or something. 485 00:29:09,720 --> 00:29:11,520 Right. Thanks. 486 00:29:11,600 --> 00:29:15,280 What about, uh, Juan Pablo? The other one, his friend. 487 00:29:15,360 --> 00:29:17,800 Bloody Argie. He can go home. 488 00:29:43,400 --> 00:29:44,800 Excuse me. 489 00:29:44,880 --> 00:29:47,920 I'm looking for Henry Coltrane. They told me he was here. 490 00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:49,440 It's family only. 491 00:29:49,520 --> 00:29:52,240 I know, they said. I'm his nephew. 492 00:30:02,200 --> 00:30:03,600 Here we are. 493 00:30:31,040 --> 00:30:33,720 [nurse] Henry? You have a visitor. 494 00:30:47,600 --> 00:30:51,720 They said it could have been there for years, sitting on my chest. 495 00:30:51,800 --> 00:30:53,880 This bit popped up to have a look. 496 00:30:56,080 --> 00:30:57,560 And it's cancer? 497 00:30:59,600 --> 00:31:01,280 But why do I need all these? 498 00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:02,360 I mean... 499 00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:06,120 cancer's not infectious. 500 00:31:06,200 --> 00:31:08,960 It's to protect me, not you. 501 00:31:09,040 --> 00:31:10,720 -Oh. -Idiot. 502 00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:15,480 Except, they said... 503 00:31:15,560 --> 00:31:19,160 It's odd. They said, "You'd expect this if you were 90 504 00:31:19,240 --> 00:31:21,440 or Jewish or Turkish." 505 00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:28,320 But-- But... it's not the same thing as Juan Pablo? 506 00:31:28,400 --> 00:31:30,680 No. Just bad luck. 507 00:31:31,480 --> 00:31:34,000 The two of us getting sick at the same time. 508 00:31:35,880 --> 00:31:37,440 Where is he? 509 00:31:38,680 --> 00:31:39,720 He's gone. 510 00:31:42,520 --> 00:31:43,760 To Portugal. 511 00:31:45,160 --> 00:31:46,440 [snorts] 512 00:31:49,200 --> 00:31:51,000 His mother descended. 513 00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:54,320 "I'm taking him home." 514 00:31:54,400 --> 00:31:56,640 [chuckles] I've tried writing... 515 00:31:57,840 --> 00:32:00,040 but I can't phone Portugal from here. 516 00:32:04,520 --> 00:32:06,200 I keep thinking... 517 00:32:08,400 --> 00:32:11,360 we had mould in the kitchen. 518 00:32:11,440 --> 00:32:13,640 A little strip of mould. 519 00:32:15,320 --> 00:32:18,080 We had the damp course done. We had it replastered and painted it. 520 00:32:18,160 --> 00:32:19,880 I painted it with zinc. 521 00:32:21,240 --> 00:32:22,880 But it kept coming back. 522 00:32:24,720 --> 00:32:28,960 I was at war with this... little strip. And I... 523 00:32:32,600 --> 00:32:34,280 I just keep thinking... 524 00:32:36,920 --> 00:32:38,600 was it the mould? 525 00:32:42,800 --> 00:32:44,200 On the chest. 526 00:32:45,080 --> 00:32:47,280 [voice breaking] Two of us just breathing it in. 527 00:32:50,240 --> 00:32:52,200 -[clattering] -[knocking] 528 00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:54,800 [Coltrane] Lunch. 529 00:32:57,440 --> 00:32:58,640 Could you? 530 00:33:00,360 --> 00:33:01,680 Don't they bring it in? 531 00:33:03,120 --> 00:33:04,240 No. 532 00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:06,680 They do not. 533 00:33:25,760 --> 00:33:29,160 What time do you think you'll be back? I lock the front door at 10:00. 534 00:33:29,240 --> 00:33:31,800 I might not. I might stay out all night. 535 00:33:33,080 --> 00:33:34,280 Thank you. 536 00:33:40,080 --> 00:33:42,960 -[men chattering, laughing] -[rock music playing, faint] 537 00:33:53,520 --> 00:33:56,840 Now cheer the fuck up. You're dragging the whole place down. 538 00:34:11,360 --> 00:34:12,360 [laughing] 539 00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:14,320 [Roscoe] And did you see it? Did you see his shoe? 540 00:34:14,400 --> 00:34:16,120 [Ritchie] Never mind that. Did you see his ass? 541 00:34:16,200 --> 00:34:18,240 I'm gonna let [singsongy] go. 542 00:34:18,320 --> 00:34:21,480 -Stop it! Don't, Gregory, don't-- -Gloria, don't be so fuckin' nuts. 543 00:34:21,560 --> 00:34:23,680 Get out the car then. 544 00:34:23,760 --> 00:34:25,680 -[screams] -[all laughing] 545 00:34:25,760 --> 00:34:27,240 -[laughing] -[Jill] We could have died! 546 00:34:27,320 --> 00:34:29,560 [Roscoe] Right, party rules. First choice of every boy is mine. 547 00:34:29,640 --> 00:34:31,920 Here we are, the Pink Palace. 548 00:34:32,000 --> 00:34:34,080 Just so you know, this is not a house warming. 549 00:34:34,160 --> 00:34:36,360 We're gonna have a party every night. 550 00:34:36,440 --> 00:34:39,080 Here she is. She smelt the beers. 551 00:34:39,160 --> 00:34:40,560 [squealing] 552 00:34:41,840 --> 00:34:43,720 [Roscoe] Welcome to our new home! 553 00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:45,400 Le palais de pink. 554 00:34:45,480 --> 00:34:47,080 -[music playing, faint] -[chattering, laughing] 555 00:34:47,160 --> 00:34:49,680 Now don't laugh, okay? I'm not kidding. 556 00:34:49,760 --> 00:34:53,000 Dad thinks I'm at choir. He'd kill me with his bare hands. 557 00:34:53,080 --> 00:34:56,280 But you, you must be crazy sharing a flat with him. 558 00:34:56,360 --> 00:34:58,080 [Ritchie] I know. But I had to move out of halls. 559 00:34:58,160 --> 00:35:00,400 I was getting complaints with the banging headboard. 560 00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:01,880 And it's dirt cheap, this place, 561 00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:03,800 'cause I was working on the house next door, 562 00:35:03,880 --> 00:35:05,800 and Mr Friedrichs said, "Oh, we're looking for tenants." 563 00:35:05,880 --> 00:35:07,600 -He screwed the landlord. -Mr "Freedicks". 564 00:35:07,680 --> 00:35:10,640 Your brother had the landlord spinning on his knob like a battling top. 565 00:35:10,720 --> 00:35:13,520 -Proud of you, boy. -Okay, I confess. 566 00:35:13,600 --> 00:35:15,080 -I did. I had him. -Oh, my God. 567 00:35:15,160 --> 00:35:17,800 -In here. Bum in the air right there. -Oh, my God. Oh, stop it! 568 00:35:17,880 --> 00:35:20,840 But it's brilliant because Jill and I said, "Let's find somewhere together." 569 00:35:20,920 --> 00:35:23,000 -Oh, "Jill and I". -[Roscoe] Jill and I, Your Lordship. 570 00:35:23,080 --> 00:35:26,280 But we did. We were looking and then Ash said, "Well, I'll move in with you." 571 00:35:26,360 --> 00:35:28,640 And Ritchie said, "You can share my bed, Ashy, please." 572 00:35:28,720 --> 00:35:30,320 No way. Never again. 573 00:35:30,400 --> 00:35:32,440 Been there, done it, spat it out. 574 00:35:32,520 --> 00:35:34,960 Pass me another boy. This one's split. 575 00:35:35,040 --> 00:35:37,280 -[Gregory] Uh! -[Ritchie] Jill Baxter, you're filthy. 576 00:35:37,360 --> 00:35:38,680 So, thank you, Mr "Freedicks". 577 00:35:38,760 --> 00:35:41,520 This place is only 20 quid a week, all thanks to your brother's penis. 578 00:35:41,600 --> 00:35:43,480 Twenty-five until we fill that spare bed. 579 00:35:43,560 --> 00:35:46,040 -Oh, just move in with us, Gloria. -In this tip? Are you kidding? 580 00:35:46,120 --> 00:35:47,520 I've got a council flat. 581 00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:49,960 The people pissing in my lift do so with love and care. 582 00:35:50,040 --> 00:35:51,760 It's practically intimate. 583 00:35:51,840 --> 00:35:54,960 Why do you call it the Pink Palace? Is that the name of a club or something? 584 00:35:55,040 --> 00:35:58,480 No. Mummy dearest brought little Ritchie lots of things from home. 585 00:35:58,560 --> 00:36:02,080 And look... she brought him this. 586 00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:03,480 Camp or what? 587 00:36:03,560 --> 00:36:06,040 -[Gregory] It's pinker than my dick. -I thank you. 588 00:36:06,120 --> 00:36:07,800 -[Roscoe] Oh. -[all laughing] 589 00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:09,040 Darling. 590 00:36:09,120 --> 00:36:11,240 Whoo! [laughing] 591 00:36:12,360 --> 00:36:15,720 ♪ I know who you are ♪ 592 00:36:15,800 --> 00:36:19,120 [man singing along] ♪ Come up off your colour chart ♪ 593 00:36:19,200 --> 00:36:22,120 ♪ I know where you're coming from ♪ 594 00:36:22,200 --> 00:36:23,680 -♪ Call me ♪ -[men] ♪ Call me ♪ 595 00:36:23,760 --> 00:36:25,520 ♪ On the line, call me ♪ 596 00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:28,680 ♪ Call me any, any time ♪ 597 00:36:28,760 --> 00:36:30,440 -♪ Call me ♪ -[men] ♪ Call me ♪ 598 00:36:30,520 --> 00:36:31,800 ♪ On the line ♪ 599 00:36:31,880 --> 00:36:35,440 ♪ You can call me any day or night ♪ 600 00:36:35,520 --> 00:36:36,520 ♪ Call me ♪ 601 00:36:37,640 --> 00:36:39,320 [male partier] Yay! 602 00:36:39,400 --> 00:36:42,560 [gasps] Oh, for God's sake! Can you two-- I thought it was over! 603 00:36:42,640 --> 00:36:44,240 Old times' sake. 604 00:36:46,000 --> 00:36:48,480 [gasps] Oh, you dirty! 605 00:36:49,360 --> 00:36:52,880 The government knows all about it, right, and they're keeping it quiet, 606 00:36:52,960 --> 00:36:56,200 'cause there's a strain of flu, and it affects only gay men, 607 00:36:56,280 --> 00:36:57,440 and it kills them. 608 00:36:57,520 --> 00:37:01,240 It's called GRID. It started in America and it's coming over here. 609 00:37:01,320 --> 00:37:04,880 You can't have a gay flu, and no one dies of flu anymore. 610 00:37:04,960 --> 00:37:08,080 They're dying in San Francisco. My friend said it's a plague. 611 00:37:08,160 --> 00:37:10,600 Don't be ridiculous. That would be all over the news. 612 00:37:10,680 --> 00:37:13,160 I've gotta be honest, I think you're being a little bit rude. 613 00:37:13,240 --> 00:37:16,920 Dracula! Take me to your castle, hot stuff, come on. 614 00:37:17,680 --> 00:37:20,280 Ladies and gentlemen, and you, Gregory... 615 00:37:21,480 --> 00:37:25,240 pray gather hereupon for the star turn of the night. 616 00:37:25,320 --> 00:37:30,880 I give you Miss Rachel Tozer! 617 00:37:32,240 --> 00:37:35,560 [all whooping, whistling] 618 00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:39,160 Oh, my God! 619 00:37:39,240 --> 00:37:41,000 Rachel. He's Rachel. 620 00:37:42,200 --> 00:37:44,120 He looks like Nana Mouskouri. 621 00:37:44,200 --> 00:37:46,240 [Ash laughing] He looks amazing. 622 00:37:47,080 --> 00:37:48,120 [cheering] 623 00:37:48,200 --> 00:37:52,120 Please, my people. Silencio. I would like to give you a song. 624 00:37:52,200 --> 00:37:54,600 -Shh, shh. -Ooh. 625 00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:01,680 ♪ La ♪ 626 00:38:01,760 --> 00:38:04,280 -[applauding] -[Roscoe] Is that it? 627 00:38:09,960 --> 00:38:11,680 Bravo! 628 00:38:11,760 --> 00:38:13,760 [cheering, whistling] 629 00:38:15,240 --> 00:38:17,240 [pop music playing, faint] 630 00:38:20,480 --> 00:38:21,840 Sorry. 631 00:38:21,920 --> 00:38:25,600 That girl, Jill, did she say this place had a spare room? 632 00:38:26,960 --> 00:38:28,760 It's a spare bed, not a spare room. 633 00:38:28,840 --> 00:38:31,360 It means sharing with me, but I don't mind 'cause I'm out most nights. 634 00:38:31,440 --> 00:38:34,400 And if it lowers the rent, I'd share with Mary Whitehouse. What do you think? 635 00:38:34,480 --> 00:38:37,160 Well, I'd like it very much. I can give you a reference. 636 00:38:37,240 --> 00:38:39,920 Sod that. It's an 80 quid deposit, cash. Have you got it? 637 00:38:40,000 --> 00:38:41,040 Yeah. 638 00:38:41,120 --> 00:38:45,240 Girls, the rent's back down to 20 quid. Gladys Pugh's moving in. 639 00:38:45,320 --> 00:38:47,800 [Jill] Whoo-hoo! Nice one, Roscoe. 640 00:39:08,360 --> 00:39:09,760 [Jill] Did you see him? 641 00:39:13,480 --> 00:39:17,240 [ska music plays, faint] 642 00:39:21,840 --> 00:39:23,840 [music grows louder] 643 00:39:52,640 --> 00:39:55,760 [vocalist shouting] 644 00:39:55,840 --> 00:39:58,440 [alarm beeping] 645 00:40:07,240 --> 00:40:09,600 -[alarm stops] -[sighs] 646 00:40:15,560 --> 00:40:17,160 [groans] 647 00:40:25,520 --> 00:40:28,520 [man on radio] It's a highly complicated, giant molecule... 648 00:40:28,600 --> 00:40:30,960 Hey, man, that's well wicked! 649 00:41:16,480 --> 00:41:18,360 -La! -La! 650 00:41:19,760 --> 00:41:21,480 Break a leg, Rachel. 651 00:41:21,560 --> 00:41:22,840 Thanks, Bill. 652 00:41:24,760 --> 00:41:25,960 -See you. -Yeah, good luck. 653 00:41:26,040 --> 00:41:27,040 And you. 654 00:41:29,560 --> 00:41:31,520 -See you later. -La! 655 00:41:32,120 --> 00:41:33,600 Oh. La! 656 00:41:34,400 --> 00:41:35,640 Good luck, Gladys. 657 00:41:35,720 --> 00:41:36,840 Thanks. 658 00:41:43,840 --> 00:41:45,320 -La! -La. 659 00:41:45,400 --> 00:41:47,480 -Wish me luck. -[Jill] Good luck. 660 00:42:10,760 --> 00:42:12,280 Have you seen this? 661 00:42:15,120 --> 00:42:17,160 Ritchie. 662 00:42:17,760 --> 00:42:19,120 -Thanks for coming. -Oh, my God. 663 00:42:19,200 --> 00:42:21,080 No, thank you. 664 00:42:21,920 --> 00:42:24,400 -Morning. -Oh, good morning, Colin. 665 00:42:28,600 --> 00:42:30,640 Ta-da! Hi. 666 00:42:30,720 --> 00:42:32,600 -[man] You're late. Give us a minute. -Sure. 667 00:42:32,680 --> 00:42:36,840 To be honest, it might be a little soon to be looking for an agent, 668 00:42:36,920 --> 00:42:38,520 but still, I have to ask. 669 00:42:38,600 --> 00:42:41,640 If I were to represent you and the right job came along, 670 00:42:41,720 --> 00:42:43,240 would you consider leaving college? 671 00:42:43,320 --> 00:42:46,680 Oh, yes. Bang, done. Yes. 672 00:42:46,760 --> 00:42:48,400 [Mr Hart] It's been a year. 673 00:42:48,480 --> 00:42:50,480 Now, just thought we'd assess where we are. 674 00:42:50,560 --> 00:42:52,320 Happy, on the whole. 675 00:42:52,400 --> 00:42:55,680 You've got that tendency to drift off. I've warned you about that. 676 00:42:55,760 --> 00:42:58,440 And you could be more assertive. What do you think? 677 00:42:59,720 --> 00:43:00,880 Yes, sir. 678 00:43:00,960 --> 00:43:03,680 I said, you could be more assert-- 679 00:43:03,760 --> 00:43:04,760 Yes, sir! 680 00:43:04,840 --> 00:43:07,400 [man] It's a proper job. I need someone to run the whole thing. 681 00:43:07,480 --> 00:43:09,240 Bookings, strippers, drag nights. 682 00:43:09,320 --> 00:43:12,520 And my worry is, are you a stupid tit who's gonna run off with my money? 683 00:43:12,600 --> 00:43:14,080 Damn, got me. 684 00:43:14,160 --> 00:43:17,720 So, where do you see yourself in five years' time? 685 00:43:17,800 --> 00:43:20,160 Ten years' time, what do you want to be doing? 686 00:43:20,240 --> 00:43:24,160 What you gonna do when you're older? What's the plan? 687 00:43:24,240 --> 00:43:27,400 Oh, my God. I want everything. 688 00:43:27,480 --> 00:43:32,360 West End, I want my name in lights, big movie posters with me on them. 689 00:43:32,440 --> 00:43:34,760 I don't know. Ten years' time... 690 00:43:35,600 --> 00:43:37,480 I'd be happy still working here. 691 00:43:37,560 --> 00:43:38,760 You wait. 692 00:43:38,840 --> 00:43:42,400 Give me five, six years, I'll be stinking rich. 693 00:43:42,480 --> 00:43:45,680 No, as long as I can find work, I don't care. 694 00:43:45,760 --> 00:43:48,160 Theatre, little bit of TV. 695 00:43:48,240 --> 00:43:51,240 I could be that man in the background shouting, "Let him go!" 696 00:43:51,320 --> 00:43:53,120 Every single teacher I ever had, 697 00:43:53,200 --> 00:43:57,320 I wanna drive past them in my big, shiny car, like, "Fuck you." 698 00:43:57,400 --> 00:43:58,920 I wanna do good work. 699 00:43:59,000 --> 00:44:02,960 I wanna learn everything, like Mr Coltrane taught me. 700 00:44:03,840 --> 00:44:07,160 Donegal tweed, they make the dye out of blackberries. 701 00:44:07,840 --> 00:44:09,520 It's so beautiful. 702 00:44:52,400 --> 00:44:53,960 [door hinges squeak] 703 00:44:58,360 --> 00:44:59,960 I just wanna be happy. 704 00:45:02,600 --> 00:45:04,840 ["Smalltown Boy" by Bronski Beat playing] 705 00:45:04,920 --> 00:45:07,840 ♪ Cry ♪ 706 00:45:10,120 --> 00:45:15,560 ♪ Cry ♪ 707 00:45:16,960 --> 00:45:22,560 ♪ Cry ♪ 708 00:45:38,600 --> 00:45:40,000 ♪ You leave in the morning ♪ 709 00:45:40,080 --> 00:45:42,000 ♪ With everything you own in... ♪