It started with a kiss
in the back row of the classroom
how could I resist
the aroma of your perfume?
You and I were inseparable
it was love at first sight
you made me promise to marry you
I made you promise to be my wife
but then
you were only eight years old
and I had just about turned nine
just about turned nine
I thought that life was always good
I thought you always would be mine
it started with a kiss
never thought it would come to this
you don't remember me, do you?
It started with a kiss
never thought it would come to this
you don't remember me, do you?
I remember every little thing
like fighting in the playground
'cause some good-looking boy
had started to hang around
that boy hurt me so bad
but I was happy 'cause you cried
and still I couldn't help but notice
that new distant look in your eyes
and then
when you were 16
and I had just turned 17
just turned 17
I couldn't hold on to your love
I couldn't hold on
to my dreams
it started with a kiss
never thought it would come to this
it started with a kiss, oh
never thought it would come to this
you don't remember me, do you?
You don't remember me, do you?
Walking down the street came...
Nol!
And my heart began to beat so fast...
Thank you, Boris.
You can take a seat.
Helga: Now...
Can anyone here tell me
what Boris did wrong?
Hamad: You know...
There was, um, better signal
in the middle of the mediterranean.
You know, on the hill, they have, um...
How you say?
Uh, the... the wind things.
You go up the hill, and there is signal.
Only place on the island.
I go once a week.
Um, baby cat.
What you call in english?
Uh, kitten.
Kitten, yes.
I follow very nice kitten on Instagram.
Uh, Klaus.
Klaus the kitten.
Very nice. Very nice kitten.
Good kitten.
Huh?
I come. I come.
Ah, my friend.
Why you cry every day?
Every day you cry. Huh?
Come, come.
Oh, help me, my friend.
Please, help me.
Why you crying?
Why you cry every day?
You go first.
You cry every time?
You go. You go.
Plug: Hey!
What's in the case, pal?
Stevie: You one of them refugees?
Plug: You speak english, pal?
Yes.
Stevie: Here, you better not be planning
any al-qaeda, Isis shite here, right?
Cheryl: Here, I seen a program on the telly
about them terrorists.
They've got these sleeping clubs
where they hang out and build bombs and that.
Plug: Oh, sleeping clubs, aye?
And do they have pillow fights in their underwear and all?
Stevie: You building bombs, pal?
Maybe that's why they stuck them all up here, eh?
'Cause no one gives a shite if they blow us up.
Hey, he's no gonna blow anybody up.
Cheryl: I heard they, like, rape people and all.
Plug: You're talking out your Fanny flaps, Cheryl.
Cheryl: What? That's what I heard.
It's like a hobby for them.
Like... tennis?
Aye. Tennis.
Or like... cats.
Cheryl: Aye. Plug: Cats isn't a hobby.
Tia: If he lays his hands on me, I'll cut his balls off.
Plug: His balls would probably fall off if he flanged you.
Tia: Fuck off, plug.
Right, whisht the lot of you.
What's your name, pal?
Omar.
Right, Omar.
I got my eyes on you, pal, so don't fucking...
Don't, like, blow up shite or, like, rape anyone, right?
Right, pal?
Okay.
Plug: Maybe we should offer him a lift.
It looks like it's about to rain.
Right.
You want a lift back up to town, pal?
You don't want to get caught in the rain.
What happened to your hand?
Too much wanking. Happens to the best of us, eh?
Fuck's sake, Stevie!
Can I sign it?
I met her
once upon
a dream
Farhad: I don't think a woman ever smiled at me.
Omar: You were never married?
Farhad: No.
Omar: What about your mother?
Farhad: Hello.
Omar: Do women not cover their faces in Afghanistan?
Huh?
But you can tell everything from the eyes.
Happy, sad.
Everything.
Look.
Guess.
I don't know.
Huh?
You?
Not smiling.
See?
Ross: Okay, guys.
You know, I've...
I've never played my stuff for anyone before.
So it's important that... That you understand
it's about communicating...
Farhad: Omar, I borrow your coat tomorrow.
Very private emotions.
You can get friends from the donation center,
but you can't get a coat?
Coat is high demand.
Post comes tomorrow.
We won't get anything.
I hope you get deported.
Abedi: Probably better than being stuck here
with you, brother.
Joey's so funny.
What will you do if they let you stay?
Wasef: I'll go to London.
I'll play for Chelsea football club.
Abedi: It's a good thing
that god has made dreaming for free.
Farhad: I can be wasef agent.
Like Tom Cruise of Jerry Maguire.
You know they put us out here
in the middle of nowhere
to try and break us.
What do you mean?
And they try to get us to volunteer to go home.
We're all single, male,
low-priority, past the sell-by date.
Come.
Afghanistan, best before 2003.
Sudan, best before 2006.
Iraq, best before 2005.
But...
I thought they were rolling out the red carpet for Syrians.
Maybe... you are coming a year too late.
Farhad: Why pink?
Omar: They, uh... They ran out of blue.
Smells like dead cat.
I need to get it checked.
How long you have it?
Few months.
What if you forget how to play?
In Afghanistan, we have story about bird who forget how to sing.
What happens?
He die... of sadness.
It's, like, your thing, no?
The oud.
My thing?
Yes.
Like, some people, they have thing.
And what's your thing?
Omar: Freddie Mercury?
He my hero.
Taught me english.
We have same mustache, and he zoroastrian like me.
What's, uh... what's zoroas...
A religion.
There aren't many of us.
You like it here?
Farhad: Better than jungle was.
In Syria, you play oud?
Yeah.
Were you famous?
Uh...
I don't know. Uh...
Maybe a little.
My grandfather was more famous.
This was his.
He was the one who taught me how to play.
Like, how famous?
Uh...
Like Donny osmond?
No.
Umm kulthum??
No one's as fa...
No one's...
No one's as famous as, uh, umm kulthum.
Hey.
Maybe I could be your agent, too.
Yeah.
Farhad: What that say?
It's nothing. It's, uh...
My brother wrote it just before I left.
Where he is now?
L, uh...
I don't know.
What do you mean?
I mean, uh...
I guess he's still in Syria.
He wanted to stay to fight.
How long have you been waiting?
Thirty-two month and five day.
But...
Letter will come.
Omar!
We love you, Omar.
Helga: You will all have been asked to tell stories
or draw on experiences from your past.
So we thought the term "I used to" will come in handy.
For example, before I came here,
I "used to" have a dog
called snoftemolle,
but then she got rabies,
so I had to kill her.
Boris "used to" work
at the tourist info before it closed.
Top tip, if you're lucky enough to still be here in winter,
you might just see the northern lights.
Oh, it is a spectacular sight.
Mm, some say it's the visiting spirits of loved ones.
It's a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
Right. So, Boris has been working
on some examples for us...
Yeah.
.On "I used to."
Boris: I used to ride my elephant to work.
I used to have a beautiful house
before it was blown up by coalition forces.
I used to be a... Okay. Thank you, Boris.
So, anyone want to give it a shot?
Abdul?
I used to be happy
before I came here.
I used to cry myself to sleep every night,
but now...
But now I don't have any tears left.
Brilliant.
Abdul, you have just jumped to our next lesson on "I used to be."
I think that deserves a gold star.
Omar: It's closed.
Where did you get that?
Donation center.
What is it?
Ping-pong.
That's not ping-pong, farhad.
Yes. Ping-pong, ping-pong.
Did you get a coat?
No.
What it say?
Omar: The doctor is only here once a month,
weather permitting.
Margaret: Hey, pal. Want a leaflet?
Catch a glimpse of our local celebrity.
Derek the dolphin.
Discount with the flyer.
Thank you.
He's nae a tourist, Margaret.
Well, he's not from around here, is he?
Bet you never thought you'd end up here, pal, eh?
We're looking at a 25% population increase with you lot arriving.
Margaret: Aye, but mind wee davie McEwan passed last week.
That's one down.
That's maybe just as well. I would say wee davie was a racist.
It's just, he didn't like blacks and pakis.
I mean, no offense.
Um, what's a paki?
It's like, uh, tanned but not Spanish, you know,
like folk from India and, like, uh...
Pakistan. Aye, aye, aye.
Pakistan. It's just like,
wee davie didn't like people that weren't from around here.
I mean, legend has it we had a tourist here once
got in a confrontation with wee davie.
Wee davie bit his finger clean off.
Margaret: The wee one, the pinkie.
Mike: Spat it right back out into the boy's pint.
Margaret: Aye, that's right.
Anyways, no worries. Wee davie, he stays down in hell now.
So you should be all right.
Okay.
Thank you.
Hey, pal. Pal.
If you want to make some extra cash,
the fish processing plant's looking for folk just like you.
I'll tell you, it'll be better money
than the pennies you're on at the moment.
I'm not allowed to work.
Oh, hey, hey, it's cash in hand.
Send money home for the family and that.
You know, that sort of thing.
Omar!
We love you, Omar.
Abedi: You are a liar! Wasef: Abedi crazy.
Abedi: Huh? You no got respect, huh?
Wasef: Mumu, you an idiot. Abedi: Me? Me? Me?
I am an idiot?
Hey. Ross did not cheat on Rachel.
Rachel very clearly broke up with him.
Huh? No, no, no.
You see, a break... a break is very different from a breakup, okay?
Not even 12 hours had passed since that was happening.
Yes, it was too soon, but still, my guy's not a cheater.
He is a dirty cheater.
She is saying, "I think we should take a break."
A break, yeah? No, you are just...
You are... you are stupid.
You are... you are dumb
like the sperm of an infertile elephant.
Abedi: You don't understand because you are a cheater too.
Wasef: I'm a cheater? Abedi: Uh-huh.
Wasef: Your fada. Abedi: The only reason
you are still here is because of me.
Mmm. Mmm. Okay?
They don't care about you and your stupid stories.
Mmm, mmm. And look at where we are now, hmm?
How are the Chelsea scouts going to find me here?
Economic migrants.
What is economic migrant?
Helga and I do a very good Sonny & Cher.
Mmm-hmm. Mmm. Don't we, Helga?
Helga: And you can win all sorts of prizes.
Boris: Alan mcpherson from down strachanbrech won a goat once
for his rendition of all the single ladies.
Did you used to be a musician, Omar?
Omar is famous.
Helga: Famous? Mmm.
Farhad: Like Donny osmond.
On.
Farhad: I his agent/manager.
Donny osmond.
What instrument is that, anyway?
A oud.
It's like a guitar.
Boris: Uh-huh. And you brought that all the way from Syria?
Oh, well, once you get your cast off, we should organize a concert.
That's a wonderful idea.
Syrian music here on the island.
And we could have a finger buffet at the interval.
With jelly pieces and, uh... Mmm.
Hummus. Hummus.
Boris: Baba ghanoush. Helga: Baba ghanoush.
On behalf of my client...
I think this very good idea.
Omar?
Vikram: This week's special offers...
Jammie Dodgers, two for one.
McCoy jumbos, two for one.
Wee Willie winkies, pound off.
Chicken nuggets, half price.
Tatty waffles, 99 pence.
Chicken breasts, extra juicy, £3.50.
Are you a Muslim?
Yes.
We haven't got halal.
Okay.
Beauty products.
Everyday men's moisturizer, £2.50.
Anti-dandruff shampoo.
Where you from?
Syria.
You? Glasgow.
Ah. Okay, you're not a paki?
Right.
Come here.
Leave that.
Come on.
Read that sign.
"Please refrain from...
“Urinating in the freezer aisle."
But I didn't do that.
Not that one. That one.
You see how it feels if I call you camel jockey.
Or dusty nuts.
Goat fucker.
Carpet pilot.
How do you like it, eh?
Oh. I didn't know.
Right, well, you better learn
how things work around here, eh?
Sorry.
This could be a warning, seeing as you're not from round here.
And to be honest, I don't know if it is racist
coming from another brown person.
I mean, it's a bit of gray area.
You know, like when black folk on the TV
call each other the n-word and that.
Have you seen the wire?
Do you have, uh, sumac?
What's that?
It's a spice.
I've got ketchup and mustard.
And soy sauce.
What did you say it was called again?
Sumac.
No. Never even heard of it, pal.
Omar: Where are you taking me?
Farhad: You'll see!
Omar: Where did you get this bike?
Farhad: Donation center.
Farhad: That's where they give free eggs.
Omar: What's a range egg?
Farhad: Is my turn with coat or yours?
Omar: It's my coat, farhad.
Farhad: But you said we share.
They are beautiful.
In Afghanistan, I have very special chicken.
His name was Freddie.
Like Freddie Mercury? Hmm.
You see that chicken over there?
He new to group.
He very special.
I like him very much.
I think he like me, too.
How do you know he's new?
You can tell other chicken don't like him.
If you introduce new chicken to group,
there is lots of...
Fighting and pecking.
Some other chicken, they feel threatened or afraid,
and they attack new chicken.
Sometime they even kill it.
But then if wolf come...
Well, they don't care which chicken better.
They all the same to wolf.
Oh, yes
You know it?
Yeah.
Pretending I'm doing well
both: My need is such
I pretend too much
Boris: Ring, ring. Ring, ring.
Ring, ring.
Helga: Hello. What is the purpose of your call?
Psst.
Use your notes, Abed.I.
The notes.
Um, how are you?
You are the people who are looking for some cleaners.
Oh, okay.
Yes, that's right.
I am a cleaner.
My name is abedi.
Hi, abedi. Do you have any experience?
Abedi: No.
Helga: Well, that's not a problem,
because we do give full training.
When would you be available for an interview?
I am available at your earliest convenience.
Well, that's great, abedi.
How's tomorrow at 3:00 P.M.?
Let me check my diary.
I have to move a... A few things,
but I can make 3:00 P.M. work for you.
Oh, well, that's great, abedi.
Well, see you tomorrow at 3:00 P.M.
Okay. Thank you. Good-bye.
Good-bye. Bye.
Helga: Farhad?
Did he get the job?
Helga: Well, I don't know.
The interview is tomorrow.
How do you think abedi did?
Helga: Wasef.
Uh...
I think he was shit and he won't get the job.
Helga: Well, maybe you could try and give your brother
a little more constructive feedback, wasef.
Do you want to come up here and have a go?
What if I don't want to be a cleaner?
Helga: Well, no one said you had to be a cleaner.
You can be whatever you want
as long as you work hard enough.
You really believe that?
I hope so.
I mean, what do you want to be, wasef?
I want to be a footballer.
Hal!
I want to play for Chelsea football club. Number 11.
Mmm. Well, that's...
Really ambitious, but...
Wasef: But it is possible.
It's not impossible. It is impossible for him.
Why is it impossible for me?
Abedi: Delusional. You are delusional.
Boris: Oh, good word, abedi.
What is "delusional"? Abedi: It's like...
You have a castrated goat
and you still believe that he can be making
a baby goat with a lady goat.
So you are saying I am a castrated goat?
Abedi: No, I am saying you are the owner of the goats.
But I don't own a castrated goat.
Yes, but if you did... But I don't.
No, look.
What I am saying is that you are too old
and not even that good at football
and you will never play for Chelsea fc
or any other football club.
You will be a cleaner like me.
Helga: Okay, so...
Someone donated a box of woolly hats.
Farhad: I think, when I get asylum,
I would like to wear suit and work in office.
In the morning, I put on shirt and tie,
and I drink mug of black coffee,
and I eat eggs sunny-side up.
And I have desk and computer and phone.
And I answer phone, and I say,
"hello. How may I help you today?"
Something like this.
In this country,
I think people like you more if you wear suit.
And you famous again,
like musician in Syria.
Farhad: Night of Syrian music with famous Omar.
What's it like?
Standing in front of audience, everybody watching?
Nabil: Omar!
We love you, Omar.
You don't remember how to play, do you?
It's not that, farhad.
Your hand okay?
Yeah.
I don't know.
It doesn't sound right.
Sounds fine to me.
That's the garden of our family house in spring.
There, look.
Here, you can see.
These are the birds in the Jasmine trees,
and that's the fountain in the middle.
Yeah, Damascus is most beautiful in spring.
But I should never think of spring
for that would surely
break my heart in two
Chet baker. You know it?
After spring, the, uh,
apricots will start to grow in the garden.
My mom would use them to make amardeen.
It's like a... a sweet apricot leather.
In arabic, we have a saying. It's, uh...
Bukra filmishmish.
It's, uh... it means,
"tomorrow, there'll be apricots."
But you use it for something that will never happen,
like, uh...
Like, uh...
"In your dreams." Yeah.
Yeah.
But I never got the saying,
because we always had apricots.
Omar!
We love you, Omar.
You and wasef still not speaking?
You know how we met?
Oh, you're...
You're not brothers?
No.
He is coming from Nigeria.
Me, I'm coming from Ghana.
I was squashed below him on the boat from Libya.
At night, the boat catched on fire.
I couldn't get out.
I was ready to die, and then...
Wasef came and grabbed me and pulled me out.
I'm telling you, I have already been to hell.
I would not be here if it was not for him.
So he asked me to pretend to be his junior brother.
Said he would have more chance as my guardian.
There was...
There was something about...
He really believed.
You know?
Now, for me, I was taking a chance.
He was taking an opportunity to make his life better.
He really believed.
How old are you?
Seventeen.
Maybe he's losing hope.
Nol!
Freddie. Freddie.
Shh!
Freddie Jr. Freddie Jr. Come. Come.
Omar: Farhad.
I want to introduce our new flatmate.
This... Freddie Jr.
What are you doing? Aah! Get that... Get it out of here.
It's chicken.
Are you scared of chickens? No, no.
I'm not scared of... I just... I...
Did you steal that chicken, farhad?
Farhad.
You have to give it back.
They have many, many chicken.
They'll not notice one chicken missing.
If they notice, the first place they're going to look
is with the migrants with no money or morals.
We have morals, okay?
Omar: I know. I'm saying that's what they think.
Farhad, you have to put the chicken back.
But...
One wrong step, and they will deport you, or all of us.
Like the guys at the fish factory.
What if we kill it and then we eat it?
Then they will never know, huh?
We can do it the halal way.
No. Farhad, you have to give the chicken back.
This is Freddie Jr.
Farhad! Give the chicken back.
Hey, bring the chicken over here.
Abedi: I'm not crying. Farhad, give it back.
It's snowing.
Officer 1: Open the door. This is the police.
Open the door.
Hide the chicken. Quick! Shh!
Farhad: Shh!
Officer 1: We're looking for a wasef and Abed...
How do you say that? Officer 2: Don't know. Let's have a look.
Officer 1: We can see you in there.
Farhad: Are you ever going to play that?
Or you just like carry it around?
Farhad: Maybe you play something?
This month, prize is mini fridge.
For, uh, practice night of Syrian music with...
There is no night of Syrian music with baba ghanoush, farhad.
Okay. You come with me to karaoke.
You decide with concert later.
No.
But you can win mini fridge.
I'm your agent/manager. I decided.
You're not my agent/manager, farhad.
You walk around like that case is a coffin for your soul.
I try help you.
I don't want your help.
I will go to karaoke,
win mini fridge without you.
I don't want to steal your thunder like in friends when...
This is not like friends, farhad.
None of this is like friends.
Automated female voice: If you are calling about an asylum claim
and it has been more than 30 days since you applied, please hang up.
The average waiting time...
Boris: Omar. William, pull over.
Plug: What? Boris: Gonna ask him to help.
Plug: All right.
Boris: Hey, Omar.
We've got a problem.
Plug: My dad's sheep are out
on the grazing island with the lambs.
We weren't expecting this weather.
Do you think you could give us a hand?
Plug: We've not got much time.
Okay.
Plug: Okay, everyone off. Let's go.
Omar, I'm going to get you some gloves.
Boris: Jim, we got another volunteer for you here.
Plug: Okay, dad, we're here. We're ready.
Jim: All right, everybody, come on on board.
Jim: Omar.
Some of the lambs might not have made it.
Just shout me either way, okay?
Omar: Okay.
Jim: Head down that way.
Listen for the dogs.
We're looking for four more.
Plug: Dad. Dad, I've... Dad, I've got...
I've got one here, dad. It's not...
It's not made it.
Plug: Omar!
Helga: Omar!
Plug: Omar, you there?
Dad, can you see Omar?
Helga: Omar, where are you?
Omar, you forgot your...
Omar.
Hold on.
Omar, wait.
Omar. Omar!
You left this.
Are you okay?
Are you wanting a lift? No.
You sure? It's freezing.
I can run you up the road.
This weather's mental.
Uh, if you ever need anything,
I know it must be hard...
Leave me alone.
Are you okay?
Leave me alone, please.
I don't want your help!
I don't win mini fridge, in case you wondering.
How do you find it so easy?
What do you mean?
Do you ever think about...
Who you were before all of this?
I try not to.
Would you go back if you could?
I can't.
But if you could.
Would you go back if you could, farhad?
You don't think I need to be here?
Why are you here? Huh?
Because you want a job in an office?
You want to wear a suit?
You want to live your life
like you're in some American TV show?
Eggs sunny-side up?
You won't go back because your life amounted to nothing back home.
Farhad: I wouldn't go back...
Because I cannot be myself back home.
Is that what you wanted to know?
Uh...
Hmm.
Uh...
Farhad?
Farhad.
Farhad?
What happened?
A letter.
Successful.
Mmm.
That's, uh...
I'm sorry.
There was nothing...
It's okay.
Congratulations.
That's great.
You don't hate me?
No.
I'm sorry, I...
I, uh...
I didn't mean to, uh...
I've never met anyone, um...
You know, like, uh...
Neither have I.
Guess.
So, what are you going to do now?
I have to go city and get my papers.
And what about the concert?
I will need my, uh,
agent/manager to be there.
You remember how to play?
I want to speak to William.
Listen, uh, when we get across,
I want you to stay on the boat until I get back, okay?
Why?
Please, just stay on the boat.
You better buy it, though. It's here to sell.
So...
When's the concert?
Farhad: Sorry I late.
Donation center?
Wait.
Very elegant.
What are you doing with Freddie Jr.?
I have to go mainland after concert.
Lie to me and tell me you'll be back.
Omar!
We love you, Omar.