Coach, why do we have to be here?
Because our revered teacher and coach at Lenwood has died.
But trust me, boys, he was a huge asshole.
Like you, Coach?
I guess I am revered, sure.
No, the asshole part.
Who you calling asshole, big boy? Take a lap!
-It's a vigil. -Take a lap!
[DJ panting]
I recognize how tough this time is for all of us.
And so we have brought in a grief counselor
to help students get through this tragedy.
Also, please lift your candles high.
There's a fat boy running around here like a dang fool!
What constitutes a lap?
-[Shannon whispering] Excuse me! -Ow! My foot!
The lawyer called and said you wouldn't sign the divorce papers.
Again!
I don't understand why we have to get lawyers involved.
-I don't wanna pay for that. -I'm paying for it.
If you could afford a lawyer, I might have stayed with you.
I don't know if you not signing these is some warped way of telling yourself
we'll get back together, but it's not gonna happen.
A man has died, Shannon.
What is wrong with you?
Show some respect, please.
Oh, there's my delivery guy.
Hey, buddy! Are you my chicken fingers?
I'm starving to death over here.
The Lord works in mysterious ways.
Big shot, if you're up there, show me something!
-[all gasp] -Oh, my Lord!
-[crowd murmuring] -Oh, my God!
Save the chicken finger! Somebody grab that bag!
[man screaming]
[man coughing]
-[gasps] -Oh, shit. He seemed like a good dude.
[theme music playing]
[whistle blows]
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Sick of my job Sick of those damn kids ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Driving me crazy 'Bout to lose my shit ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Sick of my job Sick of those damn kids ♪
-♪ Hey, yeah ♪ -♪ 'Bout to lose my shit, yeah ♪
[tires screech]
♪ Hoops! ♪
[whistle blows]
♪ Hoops! ♪
-[microphone interference] -Uh, welcome back.
I'd like to reintroduce the grief counselor, Dr. Brooks,
who will now be available to not only talk about Mr. Singleton's passing
but also the graphic death of Kyle G.,
Coach's delivery guy who we all saw
get horrifically burned alive.
Whoo! It's a twofer.
You know what they say. When it rains...
Well, actually, rain would have helped.
So awful. That poor guy.
I know. He didn't deserve that.
But I have to admit,
it was the best smelling tragedy I've ever seen.
[woman] Well, Coach Hopkins,
I just want you to know, first and foremost,
that just because Kyle G. was your delivery driver
doesn't mean his death was your fault.
Yeah. No duh. It's his fault for being a guy with a ponytail.
A ponytail at a vigil is like walking around
with a fuse on your fucking head.
Oh...
Well, then if it's not that, what brings you in today?
Is it Mr. Singleton?
Doctor, I need to talk to someone about my wife.
She's a fucking lunatic.
Honestly, I'm here for the students.
If you're not here to talk about one of the two tragedies,
-I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. -Well, I guess you're in luck.
I can talk about that dead prick Singleton.
You see, he was my high school basketball coach.
-[whistle blows] -All right, fellas. Good hustle out there.
I just posted the names of the guys who made the team on the locker room wall.
And if you didn't make it, don't overreact.
All it means is that your basketball dreams have died.
[grunts]
Yes! I'm on there! Let's go celebrate before you check for yours. You're a lock.
Where's... Where's my name?
Oh, wow! Barry Hopkins' kid didn't even make it.
[laughing]
Kirk, what am I gonna tell my dad?
Maybe tell him that not having a mom for you in your life
has really messed you up
and that trying to please him all the time is exhausting.
I don't know. I always use that excuse.
Ow!
[slow electronic music playing]
[woman] Dude!
Your face got in the way of my angsty joint flick.
-Well, watch where you throw it. -Hey, it's still lit.
[coughing]
[inhales deeply]
[coughing]
Oh, yeah.
I suddenly feel like listening to some god-awful, horrible shit
like Blues Traveler.
I'm sorry I got in the way of your joint. I can't win today.
Are you really that sad about a joint hitting your eyeball?
No, I don't care about the joint, and not that you'd care,
but I didn't make the basketball team, OK?
So what?
If basketball is that sport I'm thinking of, it's stupid anyways.
You don't get it. My dad is Barry Hopkins!
Runner-up for the Sixth Man of the Year in the ABA,
which basically makes him the best Seventh Man, which is a big deal!
Man, I wish I could have heard what you said
to that asshole who didn't put you on the team.
What do you mean? I didn't say anything to him.
Really? You should have let him have it.
Yellin' at people makes you feel hella better,
and saying "hella" makes any sentence sound hella cooler.
Hey, this ain't the mall!
Quit yapping so loud!
We're very sorry for the inconvenience, sir.
We should get out of here. We're being rude.
No way! Fuck that, dude.
Don't come out here shoutin' at us, you old wrinkled dick bitch!
Go inside before I mace you
and tell the cops you offered me five bucks to see my tits, Grandpa.
See?
Oh, hey. I'm Shannon, by the way.
Ben. It's nice to meet you.
You think your coach is still at school?
Go for it.
OK. Um...
While I thank you for the opportunity to compete,
I'm a little upset you didn't see my potential, Coach.
[Shannon] And?
And? Um...
And you're... And you're a knucklehead, and you're... and you're a piece of poo.
[Shannon] No, really give it to him!
And you're a real motherfucker, OK?
What did you just call me, Ben?
[whispers] Don't back down.
I called you a motherfucker because...
well, because that's what you are. You're a real motherfucker.
And you might as well stay at home and fuck your mother
'cause you're probably way better at mom fuckin'
than you are at coaching!
My mother just passed away, Ben.
[whispers] That's no excuse for what that asshole did to you.
Yeah, you're right.
So not only do you fuck your mom,
but now you're admitting to doing it while she's dead,
and that's fucking disgusting.
You're right, Shannon. I feel alive!
Unlike this guy's cold dead mama, whom he fucks.
Look at me! I'm on hella fire!
That was hella cool, dude!
[laughing]
You know what happened the next day?
You apologized to the coach for what you said about his dead mother?
What? No!
Shannon jayed me off in the photo lab, and I knew we were meant to be.
This has nothing to do with the tragedies of the last 48 hours.
Fine. But wouldn't you agree that we sound perfect for each other?
You and your wife? Yeah, sure.
So your professional medical opinion
is that I shouldn't sign the divorce papers,
and I should do anything I can to win her back with grand gestures.
Look, I don't have all the details, OK? So--
Exactly, Doc.
Gosh, I feel 20 pounds lighter,
and I don't think it's the diarrhea I've had this week.
Thank you, Doctor, and a little something for your troubles.
Hi, doctor lady. I'm Ron, the kids' favorite teacher.
I'm also sort of like a best friend to them and a shoulder to cry on,
so if I can help in any way, please let me know.
Well, thank you, Ron. That's actually very helpful.
After tragedy, it can be hard for children of any age to--
Sure, sure. I remember how fast I had to grow up.
Wait. What? Is this about the tragedies?
-[helicopter blades whirring] -[military music playing]
[all gasp]
That's the Bone Collector's stuff.
[man] What the fuck?
The new guy doesn't wanna live too long, huh?
I'm sorry. I swear I didn't mean to.
-[gunfire] -Shit! We got company!
Well, let's put a pin in this while I take one out of this.
Looks like I'll have to go old school.
[rock music playing]
Can't touch this.
Grab his gun, Ron!
Gun? Pfft!
I'm on a roll!
And that's how I stay so calm now.
Well, anyhoozle,
if there's anything you need, don't be afraid to holler.
-[chuckles] -[bell rings]
Ooh, that's lunch!
It's macaroni day.
[knocking on door]
Oh, my God! Ben, what do you want?
Well, I talked to a professional therapist,
and she thinks we should still be together.
She thinks we're soul mates. Her words, not mine.
So I'm not gonna sign the papers.
Instead, based on her professional opinion,
I'm gonna win you over with grand gestures.
You're not winning shit, Ben.
Not in either court.
[laughs] This is classic us.
We are not getting back together, so please stop trying!
We got a real cat and mouse thing, you and me.
Ugh!
[bell rings]
Are you that dumb Dr. Phil wannabe
who's putting all these dumb ideas in Ben's dumb head?
I'm sorry, but you cannot just storm in here
while I'm in the middle of talking to this student about...
Billy Joel, for some reason.
-I thought this was confidential. -You need to hear my side.
[Brooks] Wait. What? No, please don't launch into an off-topic story.
Come on, guys. Get your fucking heads in the game.
This is the fucking state championship.
Get your shit together, you losers.
How was that? Did that say "NBA Coach of the Year," or what?
Uh, that... That was great, hon. Um...
Hey, I'm gonna run out and grab some milk.
Didn't you just get a gallon?
Oh...
I... I don't think I did.
[rock music playing]
-You know I'm charging you for that. -[burps]
Eat a dick, Carl.
-[mic interference] -[man] Up next
on the bull, the only woman to be banned from this bar seven times!
It's true!
I stole a toilet out of this bitch once.
[man] Make some noise, folks, for Shannon "yeehaw" Hopkins.
-Excuse me! -[cheering and whistling]
[coughs] Excuse me!
[clears throat]
Giddyup, bitch!
[country music playing]
[cheering and whooping]
Enough with the Mickey Mouse shit.
Crank it up!
[cheering]
Woo-hoo!
Yeehaw!
You're not wearing underwear.
I'm hairless and careless. [laughs]
[beeping]
So I had to work off the damage I'd done to the farm,
and that's when I realized I needed to turn my life around.
And I knew I couldn't do that with him.
[boy] Definitely.
I mean, I love Coach, but he's a bottomless pit of anger and resentments.
Sounds like you're way healthier without him.
I am. And Ron, the guy I'm dating now, is the best.
He's sweet, passive,
and doesn't have a single skeleton in his closet.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a divorce to reinitiate.
[sniffles] Thank God it's my turn.
I'm having these horrible waking nightmares.
-Hello! -Excuse me.
Can you please let the little boy with the annoying voice in?
It's... It's not annoying.
It's a genetic abnormality that happens to most of the men in my family.
There's a surgery, but we can't afford--
[clears throat] Sorry. I'll make this quick.
I just wanna make sure you're a state-licensed therapist.
I... Of course I am.
Perfect. Here's the thing.
I need to get a signature on these papers
saying that Felix here is an emotional support dog.
I'm here to help the kids.
He's worm-free. You can check. I brought the flashlight and everything.
OK. I am not using a flashlight to check your dog's butt for worms.
Oh...
[laughing] OK. I see what you're after.
You want the great Barry Hopkins to regale you with a story of yesteryear
before you'll do my bidding.
What are you talking about? I don't even know who the hell you are.
Me? Ballin' Barry?
Former runner-up Sixth Man of the Year, aka the best Seventh Man.
Oh, OK. I know you.
Your son was in here earlier.
Ben? You wanna talk about him?
OK. [sighs]
But let's... let's take the long way.
[Brooks] No, no, no! Do not begin a story!
[funk music playing]
[chatting]
Oh! Hey, Barry! How you doing?
Great game last night. Now it's, uh, my turn to score.
Hmm!
Thanks, honey.
How about a little something to start the party, Barry?
[snorts]
Oh, hell yeah!
That's good booger sugar.
Hey, Barry.
Why don't you meet me in the bathroom?
I got something I wanna show you.
Yuck! No, thanks. Plus, I just went.
-[woman] That's a foul! -[record scratches]
What's wrong, ref? You got shit in your eyes?
[Barry] Sure, she wasn't the prettiest dame at the party, but she was fiery.
Barry Hopkins!
You'd be a pretty good player if you could make a fucking free throw!
You'll never guess what happened next.
Let's just say it was genital penetration.
[Brooks] Oh, my God.
[moaning and banging]
[Brooks] The details are overwhelming and not at all appropriate.
[Barry] You sure? Because we did it in, like, five more positions,
one of which was the butt.
[Brooks] Oh, yuck!
[Barry] My butt.
[howling]
Holy shit!
You're that girl from that night approximately nine months ago.
Holy shit! Diana married Charles?
Holy shit!
There's a baby in that paper!
It's yours.
You gotta look after it because the boys in blue
got me doing three to five for punching a congressman.
[babbles]
So you raised that little boy all by yourself?
I did. All by myself.
Just me, Ben,
and our three live-in round-the-clock nannies,
plus two part-timers.
What about after his mother got out?
[chuckles] Funny story.
She shivved the warden, so she's never getting out.
OK. Well, as fascinating as that all is, I'm not going to sign the papers for you.
What? Why?
Because I'm here for a totally different reason.
Also, your therapy dog is eating a box of pens.
Huh? Felix! No! Bad boy! Bad boy!
Remember what happened when we ate blue pens last time?
We got sick!
[sighs]
Well, good luck getting a steak in this town, missy.
[door opens]
Unless you go to one of the steak houses that's not mine.
Then, maybe you'll be fine, but...
Oh, to hell with it.
Come in to Hopkins Steak House anytime. Love to have you.
[Shannon] Ben, what the hell are you doing?
A grand gesture, Shan. What does it look like?
Well, it looks like you're vandalizing my truck.
I'll be honest.
I was trying to draw a mural of you and me and a heart on the hood.
Would have been so fucking romantic.
But then the paint started running, so now I'm just painting your truck red.
I don't need a grand gesture.
I talked to the shrink, and guess what? She agrees with me now.
That double-talking flip-flopper!
Sign the damn papers, Ben.
No way!
Why do you keep dragging this out?
I told you I'd keep you on my insurance.
It's not that!
It's...
If I sign the papers, it's officially over between us,
and I'm still in love with you, OK?
But yeah, also the insurance stuff.
Plus, I don't wanna have to change my name back
and all that bullshit.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Dr. Brooks?
I just wanted to check in with you and make sure everything was going OK.
Actually, I'm having trouble talking to the kids.
Ugh! Join the club.
Their stories have no point, and they're always sick.
No, I mean it's because these adults seem more like kids than the kids do.
It's like they can't handle their own problems.
[laughs]
An adult that can't handle their problems?
That sounds just like Chelsea.
I'm sorry. Who?
Oh, don't get me started on that.
I'm really not trying to.
Well, it was a crazy time.
[Brooks] Stop, stop, stop! Please, please no!
♪ You gotta buckle that belt ♪
♪ Slide that flap deep inside ♪
♪ Before we take the airplane ride ♪
♪ You gotta turn off All your electric shit ♪
♪ You can't use your phone For a little bit ♪
♪ Smoke in the bathroom I whoop your ass ♪
♪ That goes for you, too, first class ♪
[cheering and murmuring]
[birds cawing]
Oh, shit! Chelsea!
For the last time, call me Sully. It's way cooler.
Chelsea's a girl's name.
Fine. Sully! Birds just flew into the right engine.
-What? -[alarm beeping]
[Sully] Oh, my God!
We're losing power.
We're all gonna die!
Everybody is depending on you. You'd better figure something out.
[panting] OK! OK! OK!
Oh! Oops!
I spilled my ginger ale!
I'm the worst. I can't do this!
Listen here, Sully.
It's time for your balls to finally drop and you to sack up.
You can do this! I know you can!
-You got soda all over yourself. -[panting]
It's not soda.
[whispers] I peed.
[Opal] There! We can land the plane there.
In a river?
Are you crazy?
Everything will get wet!
We have no choice!
[grunts]
[screaming]
I just want you to know that whatever happens, you're responsible.
[alarm beeping]
Out of the way! Out of the way!
I did it! I did it all by myself!
It was my idea, and my nickname is Sully.
Don't call me Chelsea.
Also, this is definitely soda.
OK.
Come on. You're welcome. Hm-mm. Over he--
Two-faced girl-named ever-lying piece of dookie.
You were responsible for the miracle on the Hudson?
Uh-huh.
But Chelsea was worried I'd tell people, so he blackballed me,
and that forced me into the garbage life of education.
Anyway, I'll try to keep the grown-ups out of your hair,
but they sure can ramble.
No shit.
Am I crazy, or does this look way better than it did before?
You're fucking crazy, Ben.
Now get out of the way. I'm leaving.
You're not going anywhere until we settle this.
-Don't do it, Shannon. -Don't tempt me, Ben.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna squash your little brain and never think about your dumb ass again.
Fine!
I guess this is how it ends.
It's seared into my brain, the image of a man getting burned alive.
Nasty!
Unburden yourselves, please.
It's just one of those things we're never gonna forget.
Like when that Red Bull dude jumped from space.
Man, one second you're talking to your friends, the next,
the delivery dude turns into Ghost Rider in front of your ass.
OK, the first thing I'm going to ask you boys
-to do-- -[bell rings]
-We're out of here. -Later, Doc.
We should go watch Ghost Rider.
Wait. Are you sure you guys are OK? We can talk longer.
No, that's cool. We're just in here to miss last period.
What about what you saw?
That was nothing.
I just watched a guy circumcise himself online.
I didn't even stop eating.
Yeah, I'll just bury that stuff in the back of my brain
like I do all that childhood trauma I got no one to talk to about.
I don't even know what they expected me to do.
It's like a madhouse in there. Everybody's completely fucking insane.
Hey, therapist lady!
Yes. What?
I need you to tell Ben here
what you said about how he should sign the divorce papers.
You know what we spoke about earlier? How he's awful for me?
Awful for you? I'm the legend who romantically painted your truck red.
-Sort of. -Stop! OK?
This is not what I was here for. I was here for the kids.
[exhales deeply]
OK, look. If I'm being honest, your love story sort of reminds me
of the story of how I met my husband.
[Brooks] The ship had sunk only a few weeks before.
I'd been getting by fine on my own, but then I saw him.
It's just us.
We're the only ones on the entire Island.
-Boring! -Boring!
Holy shit, was that story boring. It had nothing to do with me.
I actually find it a little selfish that you're rambling on about yourself.
A delivery man died.
I agree, Shannon.
Whatever. I'm out of here.
-[Shannon] You can't leave! -Just go, you fucking quack!
-[Ben] Some help you are! -You gotta finish what you started, bitch.
-We're different and not meant... -We are definitely meant...
[both] ...to be together.
-[Shannon] Oh, shit! -Holy fuck!
Oh, no! What did I do?
No, no, no!
I was just trying to bring Ben his steak and cheese quesarito,
and now my life is over!
What? I skipped lunch.
Dr. Brooks wouldn't want us to grieve.
She was just here a day, so that won't be too hard.
She tried to help some of us, then died.
Anyway, don't forget the girls' volleyball car wash this weekend.
I seriously do need therapy though.
♪ My home is in Kentucky ♪
♪ And that is where I'll die ♪
♪ I hope it's soon ♪
♪ 'Cause I presume ♪
♪ It's all a waste of time ♪