1
00:00:15,348 --> 00:00:17,767
That's not a travel,
you half-empty beanbag!
2
00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:20,353
Ben, knock it off. That was a travel!
3
00:00:20,437 --> 00:00:22,063
And don't talk about my weight!
4
00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:25,191
I know I'm too skinny. I'm dealing
with some personal shit right now.
5
00:00:25,275 --> 00:00:27,235
Your wife left you. I get it, Jeremy.
6
00:00:27,318 --> 00:00:28,945
Beatrice is a chubby chaser.
7
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,780
The whole fucking town knows it.
8
00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:33,616
And you fucked it up
by losing all that weight.
9
00:00:33,700 --> 00:00:36,995
You think she liked you
for your fucking personality? Nope!
10
00:00:37,078 --> 00:00:38,580
You're a fucking bore!
11
00:00:38,663 --> 00:00:41,666
She liked you for those big, fat titties.
[laughs[
12
00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:43,543
You are out of here!
13
00:00:43,626 --> 00:00:46,463
Good! Fuck this shit show,
you bony piece of shit.
14
00:00:46,546 --> 00:00:47,839
This is a joke!
15
00:00:47,922 --> 00:00:50,550
[country music playing softly]
16
00:00:50,633 --> 00:00:52,427
And knock it off, you freak.
17
00:00:52,510 --> 00:00:56,931
What are you? You're a fucking human
dressed up as a fucking human.
18
00:00:57,015 --> 00:00:58,224
Pick an animal!
19
00:00:59,225 --> 00:01:01,561
Oh, I'll give you something to cry about.
20
00:01:01,644 --> 00:01:03,188
-[grunts]
-[audience gasps]
21
00:01:04,105 --> 00:01:05,565
[thudding]
22
00:01:05,648 --> 00:01:06,483
[screams]
23
00:01:06,816 --> 00:01:08,568
[thudding and yelling]
24
00:01:09,486 --> 00:01:12,197
[thudding and grunting continues]
25
00:01:12,655 --> 00:01:14,449
[thudding]
26
00:01:14,532 --> 00:01:15,492
[grunting]
27
00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:18,953
Argh!
28
00:01:19,370 --> 00:01:20,497
Oh, shit.
29
00:01:20,580 --> 00:01:22,707
Man, who knew this gym
was on the fourth floor?
30
00:01:22,791 --> 00:01:24,167
That is not good.
31
00:01:24,542 --> 00:01:26,544
[theme music playing]
32
00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:31,216
[whistle blows]
33
00:01:31,299 --> 00:01:32,383
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
34
00:01:32,467 --> 00:01:35,261
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
35
00:01:36,346 --> 00:01:37,472
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
36
00:01:37,555 --> 00:01:40,058
♪ Driving me crazy
'Bout to lose my shit ♪
37
00:01:41,184 --> 00:01:42,018
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
38
00:01:42,477 --> 00:01:45,313
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
39
00:01:46,147 --> 00:01:47,190
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
40
00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:49,567
♪ 'Bout to lose my shit, yeah ♪
41
00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:51,569
[tires screech]
42
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,866
-♪ Hoops! ♪
-[whistle blows]
43
00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:57,867
♪ Hoops! ♪
44
00:01:58,743 --> 00:01:59,911
♪ Hoops! ♪
45
00:02:00,578 --> 00:02:01,579
♪ Hoops! ♪
46
00:02:08,753 --> 00:02:10,713
Neil, I like you, I really do.
47
00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:13,007
I just don't like you like you.
48
00:02:13,091 --> 00:02:15,260
So what are you saying?
Are you breaking up with me?
49
00:02:15,343 --> 00:02:18,054
I'm asking because I've literally
never heard those words before.
50
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:20,431
No, I'm not really breaking up with you.
51
00:02:20,515 --> 00:02:23,059
I'm just saying
that I don't think we should be dating.
52
00:02:23,601 --> 00:02:25,520
OK, yeah,
I guess I'm breaking up with you.
53
00:02:25,603 --> 00:02:26,855
I can't find a vein!
54
00:02:26,938 --> 00:02:29,232
That's because it's a costume arm, Gene!
55
00:02:29,315 --> 00:02:30,608
Don't take it the wrong way.
56
00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:32,944
You're a good guy,
and I've enjoyed our five days together,
57
00:02:33,027 --> 00:02:36,489
but when I lose my gay virginity,
I want it to be with the right person.
58
00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:38,741
"Gay virginity"? You are gay.
59
00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:40,660
Don't you just mean "virginity," Scott?
60
00:02:40,743 --> 00:02:42,162
No, I'm not a straight virgin.
61
00:02:42,245 --> 00:02:44,414
Back when I was in denial,
I slept with 15 women.
62
00:02:44,914 --> 00:02:46,332
Fifteen?
63
00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:49,085
And, like, put it in their hole?
64
00:02:49,669 --> 00:02:51,212
Just be honest. Is it my arms?
65
00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:54,090
Because today was leg day,
so I didn't get a chance to work on 'em.
66
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:55,884
I can get a better pump tomorrow
if that's--
67
00:02:55,967 --> 00:02:59,512
No, it has nothing to do with your looks.
I just don't feel that way about you.
68
00:03:01,097 --> 00:03:04,726
OK, you know what? It's totally cool.
You're just not into me. No big deal.
69
00:03:04,809 --> 00:03:06,686
Neil, thanks for being so cool about this.
70
00:03:06,769 --> 00:03:07,729
Of course.
71
00:03:10,940 --> 00:03:14,903
[Ben laughing]
72
00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:18,281
Opal, you can't be mad at me.
73
00:03:18,364 --> 00:03:19,574
I didn't even touch him.
74
00:03:19,657 --> 00:03:20,742
You mean her.
75
00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:26,664
What? That was a woman dressed
like a man cowboy?
76
00:03:26,748 --> 00:03:27,707
In what world?
77
00:03:27,790 --> 00:03:29,167
Yeah, it's not good.
78
00:03:29,250 --> 00:03:30,251
I'm worried, Ben.
79
00:03:30,335 --> 00:03:32,003
Cock is up my ass right now.
80
00:03:32,086 --> 00:03:35,298
Yuck. "Cock is up your ass"?
What does that have to do with anything?
81
00:03:35,381 --> 00:03:37,467
No, not that cock, you idiot.
82
00:03:37,550 --> 00:03:38,676
COCC.
83
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,054
The Coalition of Costumed Characters.
84
00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:42,430
The Mascots' Union.
85
00:03:42,513 --> 00:03:43,765
Oh, that makes more sense.
86
00:03:43,848 --> 00:03:45,683
You just saying, "Cock is up my ass"
87
00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:48,811
was really out of character
and also kind of made me wanna puke.
88
00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:52,857
Ben, you've messed with a lot of mascots
in your day, and they're sick of it.
89
00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:54,275
They're mascots, Opal.
90
00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:56,527
The whole point is
that they don't have feelings.
91
00:03:56,611 --> 00:03:57,904
They're not real people.
92
00:03:57,987 --> 00:04:01,115
The COCC is threatening
to boycott our games,
93
00:04:01,199 --> 00:04:03,826
and with no mascots,
there's no basketball.
94
00:04:03,910 --> 00:04:06,496
-That's true.
-It's a powerful union, Ben.
95
00:04:06,579 --> 00:04:08,623
They're demanding
you go to anger management,
96
00:04:08,706 --> 00:04:11,000
or you can't coach against Ladue
on Saturday.
97
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:15,463
I've been to every
anger management class in this town,
98
00:04:15,546 --> 00:04:19,342
and those stupid motherfuckers
couldn't anger manage me for shit.
99
00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:22,929
Look, Ben, there's only one counselor left
that the school board has approved.
100
00:04:23,012 --> 00:04:25,348
I'm gonna warn you, though.
He's unconventional.
101
00:04:25,431 --> 00:04:28,059
I've been to him myself,
and he changed my life.
102
00:04:28,142 --> 00:04:29,519
I've made you an appointment.
103
00:04:29,602 --> 00:04:33,398
4:30 today, behind the combination
Arby's Long John Silver's.
104
00:04:33,481 --> 00:04:37,068
Fine, I'll go. But only because it's
behind that tasty Long J'Arby's.
105
00:04:37,151 --> 00:04:40,238
Opal, you ever dipped a Long John's
chicken plank in Arby's sauce?
106
00:04:40,321 --> 00:04:42,824
You'll fucking shit yourself,
but in a good way.
107
00:04:44,325 --> 00:04:46,953
Fucking talking to me
like I don't go to that Long J'Arby's
108
00:04:47,036 --> 00:04:48,621
every fucking Saturday.
109
00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:52,292
[Ben] Mm-mm!
110
00:04:52,375 --> 00:04:54,127
What a delicious combo.
111
00:04:54,210 --> 00:04:56,254
I've got a hardy for the J'Arby's.
112
00:04:56,337 --> 00:04:57,880
[sign buzzing]
113
00:05:01,259 --> 00:05:02,552
[man] You may enter.
114
00:05:04,095 --> 00:05:06,514
[relaxing music]
115
00:05:09,851 --> 00:05:11,352
Whoa! Look at you!
116
00:05:11,436 --> 00:05:13,021
Are you sucking your own dick?
117
00:05:13,104 --> 00:05:14,856
[chuckling] No! But I could.
118
00:05:14,939 --> 00:05:15,857
I respect that.
119
00:05:15,940 --> 00:05:17,442
Thank you. I'm Dawa.
120
00:05:17,525 --> 00:05:20,028
Don't view me
as an anger management counselor.
121
00:05:20,111 --> 00:05:21,904
I'm more of a spiritual guide.
122
00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:23,323
OK. Well, then you should know
123
00:05:23,406 --> 00:05:25,283
that the only reason
I came to anger management
124
00:05:25,366 --> 00:05:27,410
is 'cause you got
that Long J'Arby's next door.
125
00:05:27,493 --> 00:05:28,828
The chicken planks with the--
126
00:05:28,911 --> 00:05:30,872
Arby's sauce. Yeah, I know. [chuckles]
127
00:05:30,955 --> 00:05:33,166
Incredible combo, but be careful.
128
00:05:33,249 --> 00:05:36,419
It's delicious going in
but fire coming out.
129
00:05:37,587 --> 00:05:39,756
Right now, you're Ben Hopkins,
130
00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:41,799
but when we're through, you're gonna be...
131
00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:43,009
[together] Zen Hopkins.
132
00:05:43,092 --> 00:05:44,844
I knew you'd say that. You telegraphed it.
133
00:05:44,927 --> 00:05:47,013
I did. So let's get started.
134
00:05:47,096 --> 00:05:51,601
Benjamin, by the time I'm done with you,
there won't be an angry bone in your body.
135
00:05:51,684 --> 00:05:54,645
But I was voted
"Angriest Coach of the Year" last year.
136
00:05:54,729 --> 00:05:56,272
It's literally all I have.
137
00:05:56,731 --> 00:05:58,399
We will begin now,
138
00:05:58,483 --> 00:06:02,070
starting with an hour
of unbroken eye contact.
139
00:06:03,237 --> 00:06:04,447
I don't like this!
140
00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:07,784
Eye contact is for three seconds
during sex only.
141
00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:10,161
Can you just do me a favor
and sign the paper?
142
00:06:10,244 --> 00:06:13,623
I gotta get this signed, or I can't coach
against Ladue on Saturday.
143
00:06:13,706 --> 00:06:15,333
And they suck more than we do.
144
00:06:15,416 --> 00:06:18,127
They got, like, ten little fat guys
that are worse than DJ.
145
00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:19,796
I'm not signing that, Ben.
146
00:06:19,879 --> 00:06:22,340
In Zen teachings, there are no shortcuts.
147
00:06:22,423 --> 00:06:25,218
There's always a shortcut.
I'm outta here! Fuck this!
148
00:06:27,011 --> 00:06:28,930
Excuse me, but I'm gonna
have to use the restroom.
149
00:06:29,013 --> 00:06:32,016
I got a fire coming out, like, now.
150
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:33,518
[bell ringing]
151
00:06:34,143 --> 00:06:37,897
Hey, uh, Scott, how'd the breakup go?
I'm sure dumping Neil can't be easy.
152
00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:40,525
They don't call him and his friends
the "Gay Mafia" for nothin'.
153
00:06:40,608 --> 00:06:41,984
Those guys are so mean.
154
00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:43,611
He was actually pretty cool about it.
155
00:06:43,694 --> 00:06:45,071
Oh, that's great to hear.
156
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,825
[sinister music playing]
157
00:06:50,535 --> 00:06:51,911
[laughing]
158
00:06:51,994 --> 00:06:53,162
Hey, Scott!
159
00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:55,498
That's a lot
of fake vaginas in your locker.
160
00:06:55,581 --> 00:06:58,334
That makes sense
because you're not really gay.
161
00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:01,379
What? That's not why I broke up with you.
I'm gay as shit!
162
00:07:01,462 --> 00:07:04,882
Sure, a gay guy
playing on this shitty basketball team,
163
00:07:04,966 --> 00:07:07,260
hanging out with all these jock losers?
164
00:07:07,343 --> 00:07:08,970
You slept with 15 girls,
165
00:07:09,053 --> 00:07:10,972
and you turned down this!
166
00:07:11,055 --> 00:07:13,099
That's right. Not a leg day today.
167
00:07:13,182 --> 00:07:15,351
Your arm is so swole, Neil.
168
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:16,269
[Matty] Ho ho ho.
169
00:07:16,352 --> 00:07:18,146
What is wrong with you guys?
170
00:07:18,229 --> 00:07:20,356
It's simple. He doesn't like you.
171
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:23,693
And by the way, there is nothing wrong
with being straight.
172
00:07:23,776 --> 00:07:25,695
Being straight is basic.
173
00:07:25,778 --> 00:07:29,031
Scott's just pretending to be gay
'cause it's cool.
174
00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:30,283
[sniffs]
175
00:07:30,366 --> 00:07:32,869
You eat beaver, you beaver eater.
176
00:07:32,952 --> 00:07:34,662
Neil's just not my type, dude.
177
00:07:34,745 --> 00:07:36,330
I'm everybody's type!
178
00:07:36,414 --> 00:07:39,208
Whoa! Whoa! You need to chill.
I'm just not into you.
179
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:41,085
That's impossible, you titty lover.
180
00:07:41,169 --> 00:07:45,089
Let's fight. I'mma beat your ass
this afternoon behind my Dick's.
181
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:46,591
Behind your dicks?
182
00:07:46,674 --> 00:07:48,759
Behind the Dick's Sporting Goods
that I work at.
183
00:07:48,843 --> 00:07:50,720
What'd you think, my actual dick?
184
00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:52,638
Behind my actual dick is my asshole.
185
00:07:52,722 --> 00:07:55,933
You can't fight on my asshole,
you pussy lover.
186
00:07:57,018 --> 00:07:59,270
Ugh! These are disgusting.
187
00:07:59,353 --> 00:08:01,314
I'll just take these and throw 'em away,
188
00:08:01,397 --> 00:08:03,483
into my room, onto my penis.
189
00:08:08,362 --> 00:08:12,700
I just wanna say that Lenwood High School
has been and always will be...
190
00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:14,035
Oh, God.
191
00:08:14,577 --> 00:08:16,913
A proud supporter of costumed characters.
192
00:08:16,996 --> 00:08:18,122
I also wanna let you know
193
00:08:18,206 --> 00:08:20,917
that Coach Hopkins
takes this matter very seriously
194
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:24,212
and is attending anger management classes
as we speak.
195
00:08:24,295 --> 00:08:25,254
Excuse me.
196
00:08:25,963 --> 00:08:27,757
Ben! What are you doin' here?
197
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:30,551
I tried the anger management, OK?
It didn't work.
198
00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:32,386
That guy is a fucking fraud.
199
00:08:32,470 --> 00:08:34,388
[scoffs] You're going back to Dawa,
200
00:08:34,472 --> 00:08:37,517
and I'm takin' you my damn self
because you can't be trusted.
201
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:39,352
Oh, you're just doing it for the planks.
202
00:08:39,435 --> 00:08:42,230
Stop it, Ben.
Fucking turn around, and let's go.
203
00:08:42,313 --> 00:08:44,273
I'm taking your ass back.
204
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:47,276
[relaxing music]
205
00:08:48,986 --> 00:08:50,112
Ooh, baby!
206
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:53,199
Dawa, you guidin' me
to a whole new reality.
207
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,536
Wow! I think it's working for me too.
208
00:08:56,619 --> 00:08:59,080
Just like that, I'm meditating.
I'm at peace.
209
00:08:59,163 --> 00:09:00,790
I'm really meditating.
210
00:09:00,873 --> 00:09:03,501
Benjamin, come on.
That was, like, one second.
211
00:09:03,584 --> 00:09:06,170
You have to free your mind like Opal.
212
00:09:07,088 --> 00:09:08,464
Good, Benjamin.
213
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:09,715
Good.
214
00:09:09,799 --> 00:09:13,386
Oh, now tell the Dawa,
what are you thinking about?
215
00:09:13,469 --> 00:09:14,387
It's personal.
216
00:09:14,470 --> 00:09:16,138
There are no wrong thoughts.
217
00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:17,807
[sighs] I'm thinking about...
218
00:09:18,724 --> 00:09:21,269
well, one of my favorite movies, OK?
219
00:09:21,352 --> 00:09:23,854
It's about a boy, but he's kind of a man.
220
00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:25,231
He's super little.
221
00:09:25,314 --> 00:09:26,607
His name's Tate.
222
00:09:26,691 --> 00:09:29,277
-We talking Little Man Tate?
-You bet your ass I am.
223
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:33,447
I always wanted to help Tate figure out
how to be a big man.
224
00:09:33,531 --> 00:09:35,950
Oh, that's what made me
wanna get into self-help.
225
00:09:36,033 --> 00:09:37,618
Hold on! Hold on!
226
00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:40,580
You're telling me
you're into Little Man Tate
227
00:09:40,663 --> 00:09:43,249
and you could suck your own dick? Ha!
228
00:09:43,332 --> 00:09:46,794
-You might be all right after all, Dawa!
-Thank you.
229
00:09:46,877 --> 00:09:51,090
But now we have to clear our mind
and say goodbye to Little Man Tate,
230
00:09:51,173 --> 00:09:52,508
just like the end of the movie.
231
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:53,593
Is that how it ends?
232
00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:54,844
Uh, I think so.
233
00:09:54,927 --> 00:09:55,886
Ninety percent.
234
00:09:55,970 --> 00:09:57,096
I never finished it.
235
00:09:57,179 --> 00:09:58,222
No one has.
236
00:09:58,306 --> 00:10:00,391
Ben, I need you to trust me.
237
00:10:00,891 --> 00:10:03,644
-[humming]
-[relaxing music]
238
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:06,230
[Dawa whispering] Relax.
239
00:10:09,358 --> 00:10:12,486
Look, these guys are not gonna fight
like we fight, OK?
240
00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:15,406
My guess is it's gonna be
a lot like West Side Story:
241
00:10:15,489 --> 00:10:17,241
a lot of singing, a lot of dancing.
242
00:10:17,325 --> 00:10:18,367
So let's go.
243
00:10:19,201 --> 00:10:20,119
[van doors close]
244
00:10:20,494 --> 00:10:22,705
[dramatic rock music playing]
245
00:10:24,832 --> 00:10:25,708
[grunts]
246
00:10:26,834 --> 00:10:28,169
[uplifting chord]
247
00:10:28,252 --> 00:10:31,130
So that's what a man's body's
supposed to look like.
248
00:10:31,213 --> 00:10:32,048
Weird!
249
00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:33,966
Their titties are so small and flat.
250
00:10:37,595 --> 00:10:40,556
We fightin' or what, you flabby fucks?
251
00:10:42,308 --> 00:10:45,728
[soft jazz music playing]
252
00:10:57,239 --> 00:10:58,074
[grunts]
253
00:10:58,157 --> 00:10:59,742
[dramatic music playing]
254
00:11:00,201 --> 00:11:01,035
[grunting]
255
00:11:04,872 --> 00:11:05,790
[moans]
256
00:11:06,248 --> 00:11:08,417
Let's turn this into a leg day, boys!
257
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:09,877
[all grunting]
258
00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:13,381
Scatter! Scatter!
259
00:11:13,464 --> 00:11:16,133
These guys aren't dancing.
They're real fighters!
260
00:11:16,217 --> 00:11:18,010
[Neil laughing]
261
00:11:18,094 --> 00:11:19,762
See you soon, straighties!
262
00:11:19,845 --> 00:11:23,224
Don't waste your time
eatin' all that pussy!
263
00:11:23,307 --> 00:11:24,934
[relaxing music playing]
264
00:11:25,017 --> 00:11:26,435
[snores]
265
00:11:29,772 --> 00:11:30,940
[sighs]
266
00:11:31,023 --> 00:11:32,817
[Opal] Hmm-mmm!
267
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:33,943
Dawa!
268
00:11:35,111 --> 00:11:35,945
Dawa!
269
00:11:36,028 --> 00:11:37,196
Where the hell are ya?
270
00:11:39,907 --> 00:11:43,202
Whoa! Whoa! What are you doin'?
You sucking on frog piss?
271
00:11:43,285 --> 00:11:45,663
I'm not sucking on frog piss.
272
00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:48,165
It's a tree frog, and when it gets scared,
273
00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:51,001
-it secretes a poison called kambo...
-[frog ribbits]
274
00:11:51,085 --> 00:11:54,922
...which has a psychotropic effect
that heals us of negative energy
275
00:11:55,005 --> 00:11:57,133
and purifies our mind and spirit.
276
00:11:57,216 --> 00:11:59,343
It's like an expressway to zen,
my brother.
277
00:11:59,427 --> 00:12:01,595
-I wanna do it. Gimme!
-Uh-uh-uh.
278
00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:02,930
Hold on there, OK?
279
00:12:03,013 --> 00:12:04,849
I know you wanna get back to coaching,
280
00:12:04,932 --> 00:12:08,936
but the frog is only for those who have
reached a certain level of enlightenment.
281
00:12:09,019 --> 00:12:11,605
One hit of this
and you can lose your mind.
282
00:12:11,689 --> 00:12:13,315
Trust me, Dawa, I'm ready.
283
00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:15,025
I'm a fucking Deadhead.
284
00:12:15,109 --> 00:12:18,154
I've been to three John Mayer concerts.
I know how to get weird.
285
00:12:18,237 --> 00:12:20,573
Uh... That is not the same.
286
00:12:20,656 --> 00:12:23,993
Uh, John Mayer and the Grateful Dead
are two separate entities.
287
00:12:24,076 --> 00:12:26,370
Oh, no! John Mayer is the Dead, baby!
288
00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:29,248
Well, now,
I'm afraid that your mind is the dead
289
00:12:29,331 --> 00:12:31,000
because that's not the way it is.
290
00:12:31,083 --> 00:12:33,794
The Grateful Dead was formed
in San Francisco in the late '60s--
291
00:12:33,878 --> 00:12:35,045
[Ben] Boring!
292
00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:37,339
John Mayer is the fucking Dead.
293
00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:39,467
My body's a fucking wonderland!
294
00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:42,720
No, John Mayer is a... pop...
295
00:12:42,803 --> 00:12:44,096
a pop singer.
296
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:47,141
He's a fantastic guitarist, and he is...
297
00:12:47,224 --> 00:12:48,601
he is great in his own way.
298
00:12:48,684 --> 00:12:50,936
But the Grateful Dead
is a different thing, and they do...
299
00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:53,522
they have joined forces now.
It's a... It's a thing.
300
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:56,692
It's been a lucrative, uh, touring vessel
for all of them,
301
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,444
and everybody's working out well.
302
00:12:58,527 --> 00:13:00,529
Everybody's making
quite a bit of money from that.
303
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:04,825
But... But when you creatively are talking
about meshing the two,
304
00:13:04,909 --> 00:13:07,536
-that's just where I draw the line.
-Give me the fucking frog!
305
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,497
-Get scared!
-[frog squeals]
306
00:13:11,916 --> 00:13:14,043
Linda, hold my calls.
307
00:13:16,754 --> 00:13:18,756
[uplifting music playing]
308
00:13:29,266 --> 00:13:31,519
[laughing]
309
00:13:31,602 --> 00:13:32,436
Yes!
310
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:34,814
Finally! I got my infinity pool.
311
00:13:34,897 --> 00:13:36,565
It goes on forever!
312
00:13:37,399 --> 00:13:39,193
Hi, I'm the Mayor of Lenwood.
313
00:13:39,276 --> 00:13:40,945
I just passed a resolution
314
00:13:41,028 --> 00:13:43,781
where everyone in town
has to suck your dick.
315
00:13:43,864 --> 00:13:44,990
All my dicks?
316
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:46,992
All your dicks.
317
00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:57,711
[dramatic music playing]
318
00:13:58,963 --> 00:14:01,757
Help! I'm surrounded by cock!
319
00:14:02,424 --> 00:14:04,343
Hey, hey! Don't you hurt that woman.
320
00:14:04,426 --> 00:14:05,636
I love her!
321
00:14:05,719 --> 00:14:07,263
Oh, Shannon. Thank God!
322
00:14:07,346 --> 00:14:09,974
This place is so fucking weird.
323
00:14:10,057 --> 00:14:11,600
-Where am I?
-[Shannon] Ssh!
324
00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:12,685
What do I know?
325
00:14:12,768 --> 00:14:14,854
I'm just a frog. [ribbit]
326
00:14:14,937 --> 00:14:16,230
What the fuck?
327
00:14:17,189 --> 00:14:19,483
You drank my piss.
328
00:14:25,489 --> 00:14:26,699
Wow!
329
00:14:27,575 --> 00:14:28,409
[grunts]
330
00:14:34,081 --> 00:14:36,208
[Western music playing]
331
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:49,179
Oh, no!
332
00:14:49,263 --> 00:14:51,932
I always wanted to 69 myself.
333
00:14:52,016 --> 00:14:54,560
This was my only chance, and I ruined it!
334
00:14:54,643 --> 00:14:55,895
[man] You did it.
335
00:14:56,645 --> 00:14:59,106
You killed your own ego.
336
00:14:59,189 --> 00:15:00,190
Oh, shit.
337
00:15:00,274 --> 00:15:01,233
It's you!
338
00:15:01,317 --> 00:15:02,818
Little Man Tate.
339
00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:04,945
Can I ask you one question?
340
00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:07,698
Of course. Ask me anything.
341
00:15:07,781 --> 00:15:11,285
I know the answers
to all questions in the universe.
342
00:15:11,368 --> 00:15:13,203
Sweet. I've only got one.
343
00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:15,623
What was Jodie Foster like as a director?
344
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:19,919
Well, we were over budget,
and she was really stressed out.
345
00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:22,713
But by the end of it,
we were all like a family.
346
00:15:22,796 --> 00:15:25,049
Uh, I'll give you one more question.
347
00:15:25,132 --> 00:15:27,635
OK. Uh, do you guys still keep in touch?
348
00:15:27,718 --> 00:15:30,721
[sighs] Yes, we email,
but she's really busy.
349
00:15:30,804 --> 00:15:32,848
-Wow!
-Now, I'm just gonna go ahead
350
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:35,851
and tell you what you need to know.
The reason you're here.
351
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:37,227
Oh, yeah. Sure, sure. Tell me.
352
00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:40,105
You need to chill out, Ben.
353
00:15:40,898 --> 00:15:41,732
Is that it?
354
00:15:41,815 --> 00:15:42,650
[Dawa] Oh, shit.
355
00:15:42,733 --> 00:15:45,027
Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit!
356
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:46,445
Is that Little Man Tate?
357
00:15:46,528 --> 00:15:48,948
[laughing]
358
00:15:49,031 --> 00:15:50,991
Wha-wha-what? What's so funny?
359
00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:53,619
-I don't get it.
-[laughing] Dawa... Dawa...
360
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:56,038
You got fuckin' chicken planks for legs.
361
00:15:56,121 --> 00:15:58,082
-Your legs are fucking chicken planks.
-What?
362
00:15:58,165 --> 00:15:59,249
[Dawa laughing] No!
363
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:00,417
[Ben laughing]
364
00:16:00,501 --> 00:16:02,419
[both laughing]
365
00:16:02,503 --> 00:16:04,004
Oh, holy shit!
366
00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:05,089
Look at that!
367
00:16:05,172 --> 00:16:06,632
[laughing]
368
00:16:06,715 --> 00:16:07,675
Uh-oh!
369
00:16:07,758 --> 00:16:09,385
You're about to throw up.
370
00:16:09,468 --> 00:16:10,302
What?
371
00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:12,513
[raccoon chitters]
372
00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:18,018
Oh, I'm proud of you, Ben.
373
00:16:18,102 --> 00:16:20,229
You made it through. How do you feel?
374
00:16:20,312 --> 00:16:22,314
That frog piss did the job.
375
00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:25,651
Well, congrats, Mr. Zen Hopkins.
376
00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:26,610
You've passed.
377
00:16:26,694 --> 00:16:29,488
You're officially through
the anger management training.
378
00:16:29,571 --> 00:16:30,447
You're reborn.
379
00:16:30,531 --> 00:16:32,491
Wow! I did it.
380
00:16:32,574 --> 00:16:34,284
Full fucking zen.
381
00:16:36,203 --> 00:16:37,538
[disco music playing]
382
00:16:37,621 --> 00:16:38,706
[whooping, laughing]
383
00:16:38,789 --> 00:16:40,374
-[party horn toots]
-Whoo!
384
00:16:40,457 --> 00:16:42,334
[Ron laughing] I love it!
385
00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:44,670
Who wants to do a shot?
386
00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:47,923
[laughing] Great party, Shannon!
387
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:49,299
Oh, God.
388
00:16:49,383 --> 00:16:50,300
No!
389
00:16:50,384 --> 00:16:51,260
What is it?
390
00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:52,428
[Shannon] It's Ben!
391
00:16:52,511 --> 00:16:54,054
But you invited Ben, right?
392
00:16:54,138 --> 00:16:56,056
No! It's your birthday.
393
00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:58,267
Not invitin' Ben was the present.
394
00:16:58,350 --> 00:16:59,560
-[door opens]
-[Ben] Oh!
395
00:16:59,643 --> 00:17:00,811
Hey, everybody.
396
00:17:01,937 --> 00:17:03,731
Uh... hey!
397
00:17:03,814 --> 00:17:04,815
[chuckles]
398
00:17:04,898 --> 00:17:08,569
So what's going on, friends?
You guys having some sort of a gathering?
399
00:17:08,652 --> 00:17:11,321
Yeah, it's kind of Ron's birthday party.
400
00:17:11,405 --> 00:17:14,199
We meant to invite you, but we forgot.
401
00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:15,451
I'm sorry, Ben.
402
00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:18,829
Oh, please! It happens, Shannon.
No biggie.
403
00:17:18,912 --> 00:17:21,457
And if you wanted
to have a party without me,
404
00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:23,250
well, I'd completely understand.
405
00:17:23,333 --> 00:17:25,169
You'd understand?
406
00:17:25,252 --> 00:17:27,421
Wait. Now I don't understand.
407
00:17:27,504 --> 00:17:30,966
Anyway, I just came by because I wanted
to tell my father that I love him.
408
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:33,969
And not only am I sorry
for all my negative thoughts towards him
409
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:35,971
but also, and perhaps more importantly,
410
00:17:36,346 --> 00:17:37,639
I forgive him.
411
00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:39,141
And now that I think about it,
412
00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:41,393
that applies to all of you as well.
413
00:17:41,477 --> 00:17:42,478
I love you all.
414
00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:45,272
But, Shannon, I love you the most.
415
00:17:45,355 --> 00:17:46,857
I'm not lending you any money.
416
00:17:46,940 --> 00:17:48,317
[laughing] Good one!
417
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,110
You've done enough for me, dear.
418
00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:52,780
I'll just get out of here
and let you guys enjoy your party.
419
00:17:52,863 --> 00:17:54,823
I gotta prepare for practice anyway.
420
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:58,243
But, my dear friend Ron,
another trip around the sun.
421
00:17:58,327 --> 00:17:59,870
Congrats on that, old pal.
422
00:17:59,953 --> 00:18:00,996
Have a blessed day.
423
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,039
Thank you?
424
00:18:02,122 --> 00:18:03,832
Hey, Connie. Work or pleasure?
425
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:06,335
Either way,
I hope you guys all have a blast.
426
00:18:07,294 --> 00:18:09,004
[door opens, closes]
427
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:10,839
Who the fuck was that?
428
00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:15,803
Gather around, team.
429
00:18:15,886 --> 00:18:17,930
I wanted to introduce you
to your new coach.
430
00:18:18,013 --> 00:18:20,808
-Finally.
-No! Very funny, DJ.
431
00:18:20,891 --> 00:18:23,352
I'm still your coach.
I'm just a different person.
432
00:18:23,435 --> 00:18:24,895
You see, I've been enlightened.
433
00:18:24,978 --> 00:18:27,481
Usually, I woulda yelled at you
and called you a fat fuck,
434
00:18:27,564 --> 00:18:29,316
but I don't do that stuff anymore.
435
00:18:29,399 --> 00:18:30,317
[Matty] Uh, Coach...
436
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,194
Um, Scott needs your help.
437
00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:33,862
Can we talk privately?
438
00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:38,909
Coach, Neil and his Gay Mafia
keep bullyin' Scott.
439
00:18:38,992 --> 00:18:41,745
We tried everything.
We talked to 'em. We listened to 'em.
440
00:18:41,829 --> 00:18:44,623
And then they kicked our asses
behind Neil's Dick's.
441
00:18:44,706 --> 00:18:45,707
Please!
442
00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:48,085
I need you to go full-coach on these guys.
443
00:18:48,168 --> 00:18:51,004
"An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
444
00:18:51,088 --> 00:18:54,049
leaves the whole world blind
and toothless."
445
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:57,010
And that's a pretty badass
fucking quote right there.
446
00:18:57,094 --> 00:18:58,720
-[door opens]
-[Neil] There he is.
447
00:18:58,804 --> 00:19:00,514
-[boys laughing]
-There's the beaver eater!
448
00:19:00,597 --> 00:19:01,640
Straighty!
449
00:19:01,723 --> 00:19:03,058
Oh, what's the matter?
450
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:04,852
Pussy got your tongue?
451
00:19:07,062 --> 00:19:07,896
[exhales deeply]
452
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:10,941
Oh, I see what's happening.
I'll handle this for you.
453
00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:12,317
Hello, gentlemen.
454
00:19:14,403 --> 00:19:20,325
[humming] Ommmm.
455
00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:22,578
[boys laughing]
456
00:19:22,661 --> 00:19:26,206
I'll see you at the game,
you titty licker. [laughs]
457
00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:30,419
[Opal] I've got great news.
458
00:19:30,502 --> 00:19:32,296
Coach has completed his course,
459
00:19:32,379 --> 00:19:34,715
and I've got the certificate right here
to prove it.
460
00:19:34,798 --> 00:19:38,886
It's true.
A man who was once as angry as a bulldog
461
00:19:38,969 --> 00:19:41,805
is now as calm and zen as a...
462
00:19:41,889 --> 00:19:42,723
um...
463
00:19:43,515 --> 00:19:44,641
I don't know.
464
00:19:44,725 --> 00:19:45,893
General, I guess?
465
00:19:45,976 --> 00:19:47,519
Uh, light on options.
466
00:19:47,603 --> 00:19:49,229
[moose] OK, so you got it signed.
467
00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:51,481
I guess that means
you're allowed to coach,
468
00:19:51,565 --> 00:19:54,818
but we all know
there's no way you actually changed.
469
00:19:54,902 --> 00:19:57,529
You'll slip up, and when you do,
470
00:19:57,613 --> 00:20:00,073
COCC will be right up your ass again!
471
00:20:00,157 --> 00:20:02,159
Hey, if I do slip up,
472
00:20:02,242 --> 00:20:04,620
that's exactly where I want COCC to be.
473
00:20:04,703 --> 00:20:07,873
[uplifting music playing]
474
00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:14,671
-Boo!
-[frog squeals]
475
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,382
[boys chanting] Vagina eater!
Vagina eater!
476
00:20:17,466 --> 00:20:19,426
V eater! V eater!
477
00:20:19,509 --> 00:20:20,385
Fake gay!
478
00:20:20,469 --> 00:20:21,511
Fake gay!
479
00:20:21,595 --> 00:20:23,639
-[crowd gasps]
-[whistle blows]
480
00:20:24,556 --> 00:20:26,475
-[boy] Knock knock!
-[Neil] Who's there?
481
00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:28,727
Probably a pussy in Scott's mouth.
482
00:20:28,810 --> 00:20:30,437
[boys laughing]
483
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,231
That's the only ball you'll be dribbling.
484
00:20:32,314 --> 00:20:35,067
Don't worry about them.
Just shoot the ball, Scott.
485
00:20:35,150 --> 00:20:38,237
Hey, Scott. Do you ever wear pink,
or do you just put your dick inside of it?
486
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:40,948
-[boy 1] Beans!
-Pork and grinder!
487
00:20:41,031 --> 00:20:44,117
[distorted] Titty lover!
488
00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:45,994
[boys] Vagina eater!
489
00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:48,622
Hey, Ben.
490
00:20:49,206 --> 00:20:51,208
Someone has a message for you.
491
00:20:52,626 --> 00:20:54,920
Let her rip, Coach. Protect your players.
492
00:20:57,506 --> 00:21:00,550
[tense chord plays]
493
00:21:00,634 --> 00:21:03,262
You leave Scott alone, you degenerates!
494
00:21:03,345 --> 00:21:05,847
Just because he likes playing basketball
495
00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:07,724
doesn't make him any less gay.
496
00:21:07,808 --> 00:21:10,686
He can do whatever he wants and be gay.
You hear me?
497
00:21:10,769 --> 00:21:15,107
As long as the kid likes naked men's
bodies and wants to have sex with them,
498
00:21:15,190 --> 00:21:17,150
then he's fucking gay!
499
00:21:17,526 --> 00:21:18,568
And Shannon,
500
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:23,115
fuck you for not inviting me
to Ron's fucking party.
501
00:21:23,198 --> 00:21:26,118
I'm the life of the party in this town,
and everybody knows it!
502
00:21:26,201 --> 00:21:27,786
It was so stupid of me!
503
00:21:27,869 --> 00:21:28,996
I'm sorry!
504
00:21:29,079 --> 00:21:31,999
The party was kind of boring
without you, Ben.
505
00:21:32,082 --> 00:21:33,917
Nobody did anything crazy.
506
00:21:34,001 --> 00:21:37,629
Thank you for admitting that.
It does make me feel a little bit better.
507
00:21:37,713 --> 00:21:39,464
-And you, Dawa!
-[frog ribbits]
508
00:21:39,548 --> 00:21:42,217
Stop trying to fucking change people.
509
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:43,635
Sure, I'm angry.
510
00:21:43,719 --> 00:21:45,053
But it's who I am,
511
00:21:45,137 --> 00:21:48,557
and if people don't like it,
then they can shove it up their asses.
512
00:21:49,057 --> 00:21:52,477
With that said, I find it very impressive
you can suck your own dick.
513
00:21:52,561 --> 00:21:53,520
Thank you, Ben.
514
00:21:53,603 --> 00:21:55,230
And last but not least,
515
00:21:55,314 --> 00:21:58,775
if anybody fucks with my players
one more time,
516
00:21:58,859 --> 00:22:02,738
I'll bury you in the fucking ground.
You hear me?
517
00:22:02,821 --> 00:22:05,991
Scott, my friend,
sorry I didn't defend you sooner.
518
00:22:06,074 --> 00:22:06,908
That's on me.
519
00:22:06,992 --> 00:22:10,829
I thought I was being enlightened,
but the truth is, I was being an asshole.
520
00:22:11,204 --> 00:22:12,456
We're good, Coach.
521
00:22:14,791 --> 00:22:16,543
We're not clapping for that.
522
00:22:17,419 --> 00:22:19,588
Don't worry, frog. I'm leaving.
523
00:22:19,671 --> 00:22:22,049
[frog] Coach,
I know this is hard to believe,
524
00:22:22,132 --> 00:22:25,469
but we mascots aren't
the most popular kids in school.
525
00:22:25,552 --> 00:22:30,432
So any person who sticks up
against a bully is all right with us.
526
00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:35,062
OK! Buddy, what I wouldn't give
to scare ya and suck your piss.
527
00:22:36,188 --> 00:22:38,648
I'm fucking back! [grunts]
528
00:22:38,732 --> 00:22:42,110
♪ And here I go again on my own ♪
529
00:22:43,612 --> 00:22:45,322
-[music stops]
-[all grunt]
530
00:22:45,739 --> 00:22:51,411
♪ My home is in Kentucky ♪
531
00:22:51,495 --> 00:22:56,750
♪ And that is where I'll die ♪
532
00:22:57,376 --> 00:23:00,170
♪ I hope it's soon ♪
533
00:23:00,253 --> 00:23:04,674
♪ 'Cause I presume ♪
534
00:23:04,758 --> 00:23:09,679
♪ It's all a waste of time ♪