1
00:00:15,306 --> 00:00:17,726
Gentlemen, you know what they call us?

2
00:00:17,809 --> 00:00:19,227
They call us soft.

3
00:00:19,644 --> 00:00:21,479
They call us losers.

4
00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:23,023
They call us bitch boys.

5
00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,399
Who calls us bitch boys?

6
00:00:24,482 --> 00:00:26,901
I've said it. Me and all of your parents.

7
00:00:26,985 --> 00:00:28,903
But all that stops today.

8
00:00:28,987 --> 00:00:32,490
You see, boys, I've created a technique
that'll toughen you up

9
00:00:32,574 --> 00:00:36,578
as well as change
the way basketball is taught forever.

10
00:00:36,661 --> 00:00:40,582
What we're gonna do is we're gonna start
practicing with these bowling balls

11
00:00:40,665 --> 00:00:43,585
'cause if you can make a jump shot
with a bowling ball,

12
00:00:43,668 --> 00:00:46,921
then science says you can make
a shit ton more with a basketball.

13
00:00:47,005 --> 00:00:49,215
Science also said if Momma drank
while I was in the womb,

14
00:00:49,299 --> 00:00:52,594
I'd be all fucked up, but look at me now.
I'm a perfect motherfucker, head to toe.

15
00:00:52,677 --> 00:00:53,595
Fair enough.

16
00:00:53,678 --> 00:00:55,889
Everybody come and grab
one of these bowling balls,

17
00:00:55,972 --> 00:00:57,182
and let's toughen up.

18
00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:02,771
Fuck! Fuck! Stop! Stop fucking dribbling!
Look at what you're doing, you dope!

19
00:01:04,939 --> 00:01:06,733
Don't shoot! No shooting.

20
00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:08,276
Ow!

21
00:01:08,359 --> 00:01:10,904
This weighs more
than the guilt of my people.

22
00:01:10,987 --> 00:01:13,948
Fucking stop! Stop!
Fucking stop! Don't do anything!

23
00:01:14,991 --> 00:01:16,701
What'd I tell you? Fuck science.

24
00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:18,161
If science is so fucking great,

25
00:01:18,244 --> 00:01:22,123
how come a scientist ain't butt-fucking
Kim Kardashian like that Kanye dude?

26
00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:23,958
Answer me that, motherfucker.

27
00:01:30,799 --> 00:01:31,883
♪ Hey, yeah ♪

28
00:01:31,966 --> 00:01:34,761
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪

29
00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:36,930
♪ Hey, yeah ♪

30
00:01:37,013 --> 00:01:39,557
♪ Driving me crazy
'Bout to lose my shit ♪

31
00:01:40,683 --> 00:01:41,518
♪ Hey, yeah ♪

32
00:01:41,976 --> 00:01:44,813
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪

33
00:01:45,647 --> 00:01:46,689
♪ Hey, yeah ♪

34
00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:49,067
♪ 'Bout to lose my shit, yeah ♪

35
00:01:54,614 --> 00:01:56,407
♪ Hoops! ♪

36
00:01:56,491 --> 00:01:57,325
♪ Hoops! ♪

37
00:01:58,243 --> 00:01:59,410
♪ Hoops! ♪

38
00:02:00,078 --> 00:02:01,079
♪ Hoops! ♪

39
00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:14,008
Oh, yeah, baby! What a start!

40
00:02:14,092 --> 00:02:15,885
Thank you, everybody. Thank you!

41
00:02:16,427 --> 00:02:17,887
What up, Lenwood?

42
00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:20,223
Let's make some noise!

43
00:02:23,685 --> 00:02:24,769
What is all this?

44
00:02:24,853 --> 00:02:27,689
I thought this was supposed to be
a budget meeting for the team.

45
00:02:27,772 --> 00:02:29,649
What do you think it is?

46
00:02:29,732 --> 00:02:30,900
Jesus Christ!

47
00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:32,652
I'm doing it with a little flair.

48
00:02:32,735 --> 00:02:34,571
It's called fucking showmanship.

49
00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:36,781
Well, show me and get to the point.

50
00:02:36,865 --> 00:02:38,867
Fine. We need more money.

51
00:02:38,950 --> 00:02:41,578
First of all,
our uniforms are dog shit, Opal.

52
00:02:41,661 --> 00:02:42,579
Take a look.

53
00:02:43,788 --> 00:02:44,747
What the...

54
00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:46,833
Why are you covered in marinara sauce?

55
00:02:47,208 --> 00:02:48,918
There's a meatball tray out there.

56
00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:50,336
So good!

57
00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:52,088
How can you be that fat

58
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:54,340
when half the food ends up
on your clothes?

59
00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:57,385
Opal, this is what the team is now.

60
00:02:57,468 --> 00:02:59,888
Fat trash covered in marinara sauce.

61
00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:01,347
Jeez Louise!

62
00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:03,057
But now, let's take a look

63
00:03:03,141 --> 00:03:06,186
at what we could be
with the right funding.

64
00:03:06,269 --> 00:03:07,687
Come on out, Matty!

65
00:03:08,479 --> 00:03:10,899
Look at this fucking kid, would you?

66
00:03:11,274 --> 00:03:15,612
Must have something to do with Lenwood's
new state-of-the-art weight room.

67
00:03:15,987 --> 00:03:20,533
Man, I feel like one of those moms
on the news who could lift a car.

68
00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:24,537
I'm gonna throw up 30 points
and 15 bounds in this fly gear.

69
00:03:26,289 --> 00:03:27,874
How much would all this cost?

70
00:03:27,957 --> 00:03:30,585
It's interesting that you say that
'cause it's not gonna be cheap.

71
00:03:30,668 --> 00:03:31,628
OK, talk to me.

72
00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:35,131
Only two easy payments

73
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:38,426
of 39,642 bucks.

74
00:03:38,509 --> 00:03:42,138
But if you order right now,
I'll do the whole thing for 50 grand.

75
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:43,473
What a deal!

76
00:03:49,687 --> 00:03:51,856
Fifty thousand dollars?

77
00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:53,608
Are you stupid, man?

78
00:03:53,691 --> 00:03:57,820
The entire sports budget is $3,700.

79
00:03:57,904 --> 00:04:00,865
Look, if I could somehow wave a magic wand

80
00:04:00,949 --> 00:04:03,743
and find all this extra money
in the school's budget,

81
00:04:03,826 --> 00:04:06,162
I'd consider giving it to your ass.

82
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:10,541
Although, if I had a magic wand,
I'd be sitting in Hawaii

83
00:04:10,625 --> 00:04:16,256
with Denzel's face between my legs,
not listening to this bullshit.

84
00:04:16,339 --> 00:04:17,590
Denzel?

85
00:04:17,674 --> 00:04:21,511
If someone was gonna sit
in between my legs and eat my vagina,

86
00:04:21,594 --> 00:04:23,179
no way it would be Denzel.

87
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:25,848
Enough of this, Ben.
Denzel's eatin' me out.

88
00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:27,767
That's it! Meeting's over!

89
00:04:27,850 --> 00:04:31,479
Yuck! You got Grandpa Denzel Washington
down there--

90
00:04:31,562 --> 00:04:33,481
And guess what? He's eating it up.

91
00:04:33,564 --> 00:04:34,482
Nom, nom, nom.

92
00:04:34,565 --> 00:04:36,818
Enough of this talk. It's over.

93
00:04:36,901 --> 00:04:38,403
Denzel's eating me.

94
00:04:38,486 --> 00:04:39,779
Meeting's over.

95
00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:45,785
Yeah, it's working!

96
00:04:46,202 --> 00:04:48,997
That was an extremely helpful
YouTube video.

97
00:04:56,796 --> 00:04:59,716
Thirty-seven hundred dollars.
What a slap in the face.

98
00:04:59,799 --> 00:05:02,635
The presentation alone
cost me 5,700 bucks.

99
00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:06,472
Well, at least we get to go have
that soft serve you promised us, Coach.

100
00:05:06,556 --> 00:05:07,932
That always heals the hurt.

101
00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:10,184
I never promised you soft serve.

102
00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:12,312
Uh, yeah, you did, you liar.

103
00:05:12,395 --> 00:05:15,606
Liar? If I'm such a liar,
then where's the hard evidence?

104
00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:16,983
Huh?

105
00:05:17,066 --> 00:05:19,277
See, if you can't prove it,
it's not a lie.

106
00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:22,739
Now I'm pissed that you called me a liar,
and I'm storming off!

107
00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:25,450
I think you parked back here.

108
00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:28,161
I know that. I just wanted to see
some of the other cars.

109
00:05:28,244 --> 00:05:29,746
- Liar.
- Prove it.

110
00:05:33,374 --> 00:05:36,002
I can't believe Coach didn't wanna be part
of our soft-serve hang.

111
00:05:36,085 --> 00:05:38,212
Like, he's always welching
on his promises.

112
00:05:38,296 --> 00:05:40,089
And he always gets away with it.

113
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:43,051
He has this way of lying
where we can never prove it.

114
00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:44,844
Like, remember the time he said he had sex

115
00:05:44,927 --> 00:05:47,096
with Tina Fitzsimmons
at Dave and Jill's wedding?

116
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,765
I always thought that was bullshit.

117
00:05:48,848 --> 00:05:50,850
Oh, I'm sure it's a lie.

118
00:05:50,933 --> 00:05:53,269
I assumed he made that up
because we were on a break,

119
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:56,814
and he heard a rumor that I got
finger-blasted by that pizza delivery guy.

120
00:05:56,898 --> 00:05:59,108
Well, I heard Tina's living in Louisville.

121
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,151
There you go.

122
00:06:00,234 --> 00:06:02,570
This Tina lie is one
we might be able to prove.

123
00:06:02,653 --> 00:06:05,948
Then we can shove it up Ben's ass
and shut him up forever!

124
00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:08,368
As the great Michael Jordan once said,

125
00:06:08,451 --> 00:06:09,535
"Let's do it."

126
00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:12,163
Do you mean the Nike slogan, "Just do it"?

127
00:06:12,246 --> 00:06:13,247
I mean both.

128
00:06:13,331 --> 00:06:15,166
Everybody just "do's" it.

129
00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:19,212
Hey, Opal. Remember when you said

130
00:06:19,295 --> 00:06:21,756
if I could find ways
to cut the school's budget,

131
00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:24,175
you'd give it all to me
and my basketball team?

132
00:06:24,258 --> 00:06:25,885
No. Uh-uh. Never said that.

133
00:06:25,968 --> 00:06:29,555
Well, Opal,
I found savings all over this dump.

134
00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:32,642
Question: Why are we still teaching math?

135
00:06:32,725 --> 00:06:35,311
I mean, we learned that shit,
and look where we ended up.

136
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:38,314
-Are you kidding me?
-Cut the whole department. Gonzo.

137
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:39,941
Also, I fired the nurse.

138
00:06:40,024 --> 00:06:40,983
Nurse Mathis?

139
00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:46,030
She's gone. We just saved 32 grand
and freed up a handicapped parking spot.

140
00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:48,574
-Dibs!
-Can we just stop it?

141
00:06:48,658 --> 00:06:50,410
Stop it with all this nonsense, please!

142
00:06:50,493 --> 00:06:52,829
Look, I've already
solved your problem for you.

143
00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:54,831
I got the team a sponsor.

144
00:06:54,914 --> 00:06:55,790
What?

145
00:06:55,873 --> 00:06:59,335
-Oh, Opal, you fucking genius.
-Ha!

146
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:02,296
Here I am trying
to fuck the school out of money

147
00:07:02,380 --> 00:07:05,425
when I could just fuck a big, rich sponsor
out of the money.

148
00:07:05,508 --> 00:07:08,719
Tell me. I'm dying.
Is it Nike? Is it Adidas?

149
00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:09,887
Is it Imodium A-D?

150
00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:12,014
I'd love to get a taste
of that big diarrhea money.

151
00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:13,015
Even better.

152
00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:14,225
Here, I'll show you.

153
00:07:14,308 --> 00:07:16,018
You're gonna love it, Ben.

154
00:07:23,025 --> 00:07:24,402
Hopkins house.

155
00:07:24,485 --> 00:07:26,154
It's what I've always wanted.

156
00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:27,613
This is incredible!

157
00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:29,866
Fucking look at me. I'm emotional.

158
00:07:29,949 --> 00:07:33,911
This is probably how Tate felt
when he finally became a little man.

159
00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:39,917
Oh, I see.

160
00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:42,503
How, uh... nice of him.

161
00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:44,714
Coach, you're having hot flashes
like my mom.

162
00:07:44,797 --> 00:07:46,757
If I have to look at that every day,

163
00:07:46,841 --> 00:07:49,677
the next thing hanging up there
will be me,

164
00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:53,181
but not in the fun way
like the lead singer of INXS,

165
00:07:53,264 --> 00:07:55,099
who did it while masturbating.

166
00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:56,434
That's a real thing.

167
00:07:56,517 --> 00:08:00,354
People masturbate and hang themselves,
and then they die.

168
00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:03,608
I don't understand how it's masturbation,
but it is.

169
00:08:03,691 --> 00:08:06,110
Look it up.
One of the weirdest things in the world.

170
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,701
Dad, what the fuck?

171
00:08:13,784 --> 00:08:17,121
Get your fucking nuts
out of my goddamn soup,

172
00:08:17,205 --> 00:08:18,956
-you asshole!
-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

173
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:20,041
Slow down.

174
00:08:20,124 --> 00:08:21,501
What are you talking about?

175
00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:26,506
My team is the soup,
and your sponsorship is your nuts.

176
00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:28,049
Oh, OK.

177
00:08:28,132 --> 00:08:31,427
Son, if I put my nuts
in your soup bowl, hm,

178
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:33,638
well, there wouldn't be any room for soup.

179
00:08:33,721 --> 00:08:34,847
Anyway, Opal came in here

180
00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:36,807
and said it would help you out
to have a sponsor.

181
00:08:36,891 --> 00:08:39,060
So I said, "Yeah, why not?
I help the little shit out,

182
00:08:39,143 --> 00:08:40,978
get press for the restaurant.
What's the harm?"

183
00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:43,272
I'll tell you what the harm is, Dad.

184
00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:45,191
This is my thing.

185
00:08:45,274 --> 00:08:46,776
OK? It is!

186
00:08:46,859 --> 00:08:49,320
I want people to know that I'm the coach.

187
00:08:49,403 --> 00:08:53,199
And for once, it has nothing to do
with the great Barry Hopkins.

188
00:08:53,282 --> 00:08:55,284
It has to do with Ben Hopkins.

189
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:58,329
Hey, it is your thing.
All right? I know that.

190
00:08:58,412 --> 00:08:59,497
Everyone knows that.

191
00:08:59,580 --> 00:09:02,416
The gym is your domain.
I respect that, OK?

192
00:09:03,292 --> 00:09:04,752
-You do?
-Yeah.

193
00:09:05,127 --> 00:09:06,671
That means a lot to me.

194
00:09:06,754 --> 00:09:08,631
I love you, Dad. Thank you.

195
00:09:13,177 --> 00:09:15,805
What in the sweet fuck is this?

196
00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:22,311
Oh, no! No!

197
00:09:25,147 --> 00:09:26,482
Hey, move!

198
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:27,942
This is my gym.

199
00:09:28,025 --> 00:09:30,820
Get his ugly mug off my court, now!

200
00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:33,281
Sorry, Ben. Orders from Opal.

201
00:09:33,364 --> 00:09:36,617
She ever tell you
all that stuff about Denzel Washington?

202
00:09:36,701 --> 00:09:40,246
I mean, he's a good actor, but damn!

203
00:09:40,329 --> 00:09:41,706
Move your ass, Danny.

204
00:09:41,789 --> 00:09:43,082
I'll do it myself.

205
00:09:47,795 --> 00:09:49,714
Oh, man. I think he's crying.

206
00:09:49,797 --> 00:09:51,632
Imagine losing a fight to a sticker.

207
00:09:51,716 --> 00:09:52,883
Oh, my God.

208
00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:55,636
That's fucking glued on.
That's near impossible.

209
00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:58,097
That's hard.
It really hurt my fingers.

210
00:10:01,517 --> 00:10:03,686
Ooh, a duplex. That must be fun.

211
00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:04,937
House on the outside,

212
00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:07,231
apartment on the inside.

213
00:10:08,733 --> 00:10:11,277
And Bingo was his name-o.

214
00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:12,194
That's Tina.

215
00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:14,113
Gunnar! Hurry up.

216
00:10:14,196 --> 00:10:18,075
I have to drop you off at the sitter's,
or I'll be late for my shift at Cooters.

217
00:10:20,911 --> 00:10:23,914
Is it just me,
or does that kid kind of resemble Coach?

218
00:10:23,998 --> 00:10:25,458
That is rude!

219
00:10:25,541 --> 00:10:27,668
That's an awful thing
to say about a child.

220
00:10:27,752 --> 00:10:29,754
Yeah, you can't just look at a kid
and know that.

221
00:10:29,837 --> 00:10:31,881
Where the fuck is my backpack, Ma?

222
00:10:31,964 --> 00:10:33,799
Why do I always lose the fucking thing?

223
00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:37,136
Why do I always fucking lose
a fucking backpack?

224
00:10:37,219 --> 00:10:39,889
Backpacks should come with bigger straps.

225
00:10:40,264 --> 00:10:41,599
Bigger straps!

226
00:10:41,682 --> 00:10:43,976
I'm 11. I don't have time for this shit.

227
00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:44,894
I'm busy!

228
00:10:49,273 --> 00:10:53,402
OK, I'm more open to the possibility
than I was before.

229
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:57,365
All right, guys. I'm not gonna lie.

230
00:10:57,448 --> 00:10:59,325
We got our work cut out for us tonight.

231
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:02,536
This is Tarver fucking High we're playing.
They're no joke.

232
00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:04,330
They're pretty good, actually.

233
00:11:04,413 --> 00:11:07,583
I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
We're probably gonna lose.

234
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:08,668
Probably by a lot.

235
00:11:08,751 --> 00:11:11,087
Why? Because they're better than us.

236
00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:14,465
Why? 'Cause you guys aren't
good basketball players and they are.

237
00:11:14,548 --> 00:11:17,134
Why? 'Cause you guys got shit genes.

238
00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:20,596
Why? 'Cause your dads
fucked the wrong ladies. How do I know?

239
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:23,057
Why? 'Cause they don't have confidence.

240
00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:24,433
Why? 'Cause look at you.

241
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:27,520
How could you have confidence
if that's the fucking kid you made?

242
00:11:27,603 --> 00:11:29,355
That's what was living in your nuts.

243
00:11:29,438 --> 00:11:32,233
Why?
How the fuck should I explain humanity?

244
00:11:32,316 --> 00:11:35,444
And why are you being
such an A-hole, Coach?

245
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:38,406
Those examples were very specific
and kind of mean.

246
00:11:40,199 --> 00:11:42,535
Coach, what's going on up there?

247
00:11:42,618 --> 00:11:44,787
How the fuck should I know?
I'm down here with you.

248
00:11:44,870 --> 00:11:47,039
DJ, you got to stop
with the bad questions.

249
00:11:51,085 --> 00:11:53,087
Opal, what the fuck?

250
00:11:53,170 --> 00:11:55,047
We had the gym booked tonight.

251
00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:57,133
What do you have in here?
Floor gymnastics?

252
00:11:57,216 --> 00:11:58,592
God, that's an exciting event.

253
00:11:58,676 --> 00:12:02,012
How those girls do those flips and shit
with no machines or anything,

254
00:12:02,096 --> 00:12:02,930
I'll never know.

255
00:12:03,013 --> 00:12:05,391
No, Ben. They're here for the game.

256
00:12:05,474 --> 00:12:07,977
There's another game here tonight?
Goddamn it!

257
00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:09,770
You fucked me! This was our night!

258
00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:13,149
No, you idiot.
They're here for you. Your game!

259
00:12:13,232 --> 00:12:14,650
A packed house?

260
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:17,027
It's gonna feel like
we're at an away game. No fair!

261
00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:19,822
They're rooting for you to win, dumbass!

262
00:12:19,905 --> 00:12:22,867
Looks like sponsorship has its upsides.

263
00:12:22,950 --> 00:12:26,287
Your dad promoted the hell out of this
at the restaurant.

264
00:12:27,371 --> 00:12:29,206
My Dad! My daddy came.

265
00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:30,583
Daddy, you came!

266
00:12:30,666 --> 00:12:32,752
Jesus Christ!

267
00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:34,879
Yeah!

268
00:12:36,046 --> 00:12:39,467
All right, boys. Look around.
You see all these people here?

269
00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:41,302
Oh, shit. Did they double-book the gym?

270
00:12:41,385 --> 00:12:43,596
If so, I hope it's floor gymnastics.

271
00:12:43,679 --> 00:12:45,389
Man, when I watch those girls out there,

272
00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:48,851
I'm like, "God, what I wouldn't give
to be able to move my body like that."

273
00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:51,729
No, Matty! They're here for you.

274
00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:53,230
We got fans.

275
00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:55,024
Uh, that doesn't track.

276
00:12:55,107 --> 00:12:57,109
These people believe in you guys.

277
00:12:57,193 --> 00:13:00,237
And so do I, now that these people do.

278
00:13:00,321 --> 00:13:04,033
So listen, a lot of people are saying
that Tarver High's gonna win tonight.

279
00:13:04,116 --> 00:13:05,701
Yeah, Coach, you said that.

280
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:07,077
And a lot of people are saying

281
00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:09,705
it's because they're better at basketball
than you guys.

282
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:11,123
Yeah, Coach, you said that too.

283
00:13:11,207 --> 00:13:15,669
But what I say is,
"Screw those people because we got fans."

284
00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:17,630
And... go!

285
00:13:20,090 --> 00:13:21,592
Has anyone seen Ron?

286
00:13:26,972 --> 00:13:30,351
Hey, y'all. Welcome to Cooters,
where every guy has a chance.

287
00:13:30,434 --> 00:13:32,102
What can I get started for y'all?

288
00:13:32,186 --> 00:13:35,689
The firehouse nachos sound delicious.
How long do they take to get out?

289
00:13:35,773 --> 00:13:38,108
I gotta get to my kid's school.
He's in trouble again.

290
00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:39,568
Do you have any kids?

291
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:41,695
Can't say. The policy here at Cooters

292
00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:44,198
is to not talk about
our families, children, age,

293
00:13:44,281 --> 00:13:47,243
or what medications we take
because it ruins the fantasy.

294
00:13:47,326 --> 00:13:49,787
But between us, yes, I have a son.

295
00:13:49,870 --> 00:13:52,665
He's 11 and tricky, but he's got it rough.

296
00:13:52,748 --> 00:13:55,584
Poor kid doesn't even have
any relationship with his dad.

297
00:13:57,294 --> 00:13:58,754
Ow! Stop!

298
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,089
It's for the best though.

299
00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:02,466
His dad is a huge asshole.

300
00:14:03,425 --> 00:14:05,219
Anyway, look at me
blabbing about my problems

301
00:14:05,302 --> 00:14:07,930
when I should be shaking my cooter.
I'm not a person.

302
00:14:08,430 --> 00:14:10,307
I'll be right back with those nachos.

303
00:14:10,808 --> 00:14:12,142
"Huge asshole"?

304
00:14:12,226 --> 00:14:14,770
That's practically stronger
than a DNA test.

305
00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,814
Well, looks like Coach has got a kid.

306
00:14:16,897 --> 00:14:18,232
We need to tell him ASAP.

307
00:14:18,315 --> 00:14:21,527
When she shook her cooter,
there was a smell, right?

308
00:14:21,610 --> 00:14:22,653
I'm not crazy.

309
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:30,119
And that's halftime, friends.

310
00:14:30,202 --> 00:14:31,954
Colts down by 25.

311
00:14:32,037 --> 00:14:36,292
Now, get ready for your halftime report
sponsored by Hopkins Steakhouse.

312
00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:39,128
Hopkins Steakhouse:
where if the Colts win tonight,

313
00:14:39,211 --> 00:14:40,796
you get a free steak!

314
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:43,465
Where if the Colts
win tonight... Colts win tonight...

315
00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:44,967
Free steak!

316
00:14:45,050 --> 00:14:46,802
What the fuck?

317
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:50,139
That motherfucker!
And not just 'cause he fucked my mother.

318
00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:51,765
Hey, nice promotion, asshole.

319
00:14:51,849 --> 00:14:53,809
I can't believe you bet on us to lose.

320
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,019
Grow up, rookie.

321
00:14:55,102 --> 00:14:56,186
It's a win-win.

322
00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:58,522
Look, you get all these people here
to watch you.

323
00:14:58,606 --> 00:15:00,399
I get all this promotion,
and the best part is,

324
00:15:00,482 --> 00:15:02,651
I won't even have to buy 'em steaks, huh?

325
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:04,403
Everybody wins!

326
00:15:04,486 --> 00:15:05,446
Well...

327
00:15:05,529 --> 00:15:06,822
not you!

328
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,073
You guys lose.

329
00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:10,117
Probably by 50 at this rate.

330
00:15:14,663 --> 00:15:15,581
Sorry!

331
00:15:16,790 --> 00:15:18,751
The steaks are on this guy.

332
00:15:18,834 --> 00:15:19,710
Go Colts!

333
00:15:19,793 --> 00:15:23,339
Try the Barry sauce.
It's not just ketchup anymore.

334
00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:26,133
All right.
Somebody shut that thing up.

335
00:15:26,216 --> 00:15:28,218
We tried. It just keeps talking.

336
00:15:28,302 --> 00:15:32,348
It's like a single fat lady over 50
who sits next to you on an airplane.

337
00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:35,017
It's called turbulence, bitch.
Shut the fuck up.

338
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:36,769
I know Charles Barkley.

339
00:15:36,852 --> 00:15:38,771
Now, listen, guys.

340
00:15:38,854 --> 00:15:39,980
The steaks are on...

341
00:15:41,357 --> 00:15:44,693
- As I was about to--
- ...Charles Barkley.

342
00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:46,654
OK, boys.

343
00:15:46,737 --> 00:15:48,030
Steaks... Steaks...

344
00:15:48,113 --> 00:15:49,114
Steaks...

345
00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:50,574
Steaks... Steaks...

346
00:15:50,658 --> 00:15:54,370
-Goddamn! Fuck this Barry's Steakhouse!
-Steaks... Steaks... Steaks...

347
00:15:54,453 --> 00:15:55,704
-Fucking shit!
-Steak! Steak--

348
00:15:56,914 --> 00:15:59,375
All right, boys. Let me focus.

349
00:16:00,250 --> 00:16:02,378
Let's get our heads straight.
We got a big game.

350
00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:06,632
I can sit here and give you a big speech
about how, if we dig deep enough,

351
00:16:06,715 --> 00:16:09,134
we can come back
and win this fucking game.

352
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:11,762
How, if we start playing for each other,

353
00:16:11,845 --> 00:16:17,393
we can crawl back into this, inch by inch,
second by second, play by play.

354
00:16:18,727 --> 00:16:22,439
But the truth is,
I can't say any of that right now

355
00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:28,237
'cause I can't get past how big
of a fucking asshole my fucking dad is!

356
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:29,947
Can you believe it?

357
00:16:30,030 --> 00:16:32,992
That prick sold me out in my own gym.

358
00:16:33,075 --> 00:16:34,702
He's so sure we're gonna lose,

359
00:16:34,785 --> 00:16:39,623
he's willing to risk what must be
20 fucking cows' worth of steak.

360
00:16:39,707 --> 00:16:41,250
I hate my dad!

361
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:42,626
I always hated him!

362
00:16:42,710 --> 00:16:46,046
I hate him so fucking much,
I can't fucking think.

363
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,676
I don't like my dad either, Coach.

364
00:16:50,759 --> 00:16:52,594
He's always criticizing my choices.

365
00:16:52,678 --> 00:16:55,681
He's like,
"Butter covered in sugar isn't a meal."

366
00:16:55,764 --> 00:16:58,809
Oh, yeah? Then why do I eat it,
like, three times a day?

367
00:16:58,892 --> 00:17:00,561
That's bullshit, DJ.

368
00:17:00,644 --> 00:17:02,938
I love your curves,
and so should your dad.

369
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:05,733
And he's judging you?
He's a fat fuck himself.

370
00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:06,984
Thank you, sir.

371
00:17:07,067 --> 00:17:10,154
My dad keeps telling me to stop giving
lit firecrackers to my baby sister

372
00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:11,613
and tellin' her it's candy,

373
00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:14,283
but I'm all like, "Get off my jock, Pops.
It's comedy."

374
00:17:14,366 --> 00:17:16,827
I'm sorry, Timebomb.
Your dad's wrong. That is funny.

375
00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:17,995
Thanks, Coach dog.

376
00:17:18,078 --> 00:17:21,206
I hate my dad too.
He cheated on my mom with my babysitter.

377
00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:23,959
Well, to be fair,
your mom has let herself go, Isaac,

378
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:25,627
but your dad's no hunk either.

379
00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:27,337
They're both really ugly people.

380
00:17:27,421 --> 00:17:29,631
There should be a TV show about you three.

381
00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:31,550
The Uglies. The Three Uglies.

382
00:17:31,633 --> 00:17:33,552
The Three Ugliest People in Lenwood.

383
00:17:33,635 --> 00:17:34,720
Thanks, Coach.

384
00:17:35,304 --> 00:17:37,014
Dads think you gotta like 'em

385
00:17:37,097 --> 00:17:39,558
just because they're your dads,

386
00:17:39,641 --> 00:17:41,560
like they don't have to earn it.

387
00:17:41,643 --> 00:17:43,562
Well, I'm here to say,

388
00:17:43,645 --> 00:17:45,272
"Fuck dads!"

389
00:17:45,981 --> 00:17:46,899
Go, Marcus.

390
00:17:46,982 --> 00:17:49,026
I just gotta say, I love my dad.

391
00:17:49,109 --> 00:17:51,612
He's my best friend and the president
of the Marcus Fan Club.

392
00:17:51,695 --> 00:17:52,863
-Get out.
-What?

393
00:17:52,946 --> 00:17:55,657
Leave. Get the fuck out.
You're ruining the whole vibe!

394
00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:59,078
Good thing it's Marcus Appreciation Night
at my house tonight.

395
00:17:59,870 --> 00:18:01,205
But you know what, boys?

396
00:18:01,288 --> 00:18:03,290
Tonight, it ends.

397
00:18:03,373 --> 00:18:08,128
Let's play this second half
as if we're not playing Tarver.

398
00:18:09,171 --> 00:18:11,548
We're not playing Tarver tonight.

399
00:18:11,632 --> 00:18:15,928
Tonight, we're playing
our asshole fathers out there,

400
00:18:16,011 --> 00:18:20,015
which is why we're not playin'
in my dad's fucking jerseys.

401
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:23,894
Take 'em off!
Everybody, take those fucking jerseys off.

402
00:18:25,145 --> 00:18:27,147
Now, let's get out there, boys,

403
00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:30,609
and show our asshole dads
how the Colts roll!

404
00:18:30,692 --> 00:18:32,569
- Fuck our dads.
- Dads suck.

405
00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:35,197
- Eat our nuts, Dad.
- Suck on my scrote, Pops.

406
00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:44,998
Your baby sister Marla
almost lost her pinkies,

407
00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:46,208
and she needs that shit.

408
00:18:46,291 --> 00:18:47,709
It's called comedy, stupid.

409
00:18:54,258 --> 00:18:55,801
I don't love your mom.

410
00:18:55,884 --> 00:18:57,427
She was so good to you.

411
00:18:57,511 --> 00:19:00,222
And now Lucy can't babysit for me either.

412
00:19:02,933 --> 00:19:05,477
Ketchup on a doughnut is not a sandwich.

413
00:19:06,603 --> 00:19:09,648
It's a creative take on open-faced,
you piece of shit.

414
00:19:10,691 --> 00:19:11,692
Yeah!

415
00:19:14,361 --> 00:19:16,864
I love my dad, but I'm gonna score anyway!

416
00:19:22,953 --> 00:19:24,413
Time out!

417
00:19:24,496 --> 00:19:27,749
Guys, that is one hell of a comeback.

418
00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:29,960
You're playing your asses off out there.

419
00:19:30,043 --> 00:19:31,795
We're only down by one.

420
00:19:31,879 --> 00:19:35,382
We are one basket away
from making my asshole dad

421
00:19:35,465 --> 00:19:37,843
buy this whole fucking town steaks!

422
00:19:37,926 --> 00:19:39,011
Listen up.

423
00:19:39,094 --> 00:19:41,054
Who here hates their dad the most?

424
00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:43,098
Besides Brian.

425
00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:44,558
Besides DJ.

426
00:19:44,641 --> 00:19:45,684
Besides Isaac.

427
00:19:45,767 --> 00:19:47,019
No, none of you.

428
00:19:47,102 --> 00:19:49,438
Matty, raise your hand, please.
This play's for you.

429
00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:51,815
Uh, I don't hate my dad, Coach.

430
00:19:51,899 --> 00:19:53,817
I barely even know him.

431
00:19:53,901 --> 00:19:57,529
You know, before he abandoned me,
most of my memories with him were fun.

432
00:19:57,613 --> 00:20:00,407
There was a time he let me sleep
in a car for the whole summer,

433
00:20:00,490 --> 00:20:02,951
the time he taught me
how to eat raw chicken,

434
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:05,495
or the time he lost me
in a hand of pai gow poker

435
00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:08,332
at a warehouse casino
to a couple of Chinese gangsters.

436
00:20:09,249 --> 00:20:11,293
Holy shit, Matty.

437
00:20:11,376 --> 00:20:14,213
It's cool. The gangsters
didn't want me either.

438
00:20:14,296 --> 00:20:17,674
In fact, they got in this funny argument
where they were like, "We don't want him."

439
00:20:17,758 --> 00:20:19,635
And my dad was like,
"I don't want him either."

440
00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:21,345
And everybody's like,
"We don't want him."

441
00:20:21,428 --> 00:20:22,679
He's like, "I don't want him."

442
00:20:22,763 --> 00:20:24,389
And then my dad was forced
to take me back,

443
00:20:24,473 --> 00:20:25,724
and he was all pissed and shit,

444
00:20:25,807 --> 00:20:28,852
and then I don't remember anything
for, like, the next 18 months.

445
00:20:31,772 --> 00:20:33,232
Oh... wait.

446
00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:35,525
I guess I am having a breakthrough,
aren't I?

447
00:20:35,609 --> 00:20:37,402
I do hate my dad.

448
00:20:37,486 --> 00:20:38,362
A lot.

449
00:20:38,445 --> 00:20:42,199
OK, Matty.
We're gonna get into that way later,

450
00:20:42,282 --> 00:20:44,701
but for now,
you're right where I need you.

451
00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:48,372
We're gonna run a pick-and-roll,
and we're gonna get you open, Matty, OK?

452
00:20:48,455 --> 00:20:49,289
Will do.

453
00:20:49,373 --> 00:20:51,875
That's great stuff
about your dad not wanting you.

454
00:20:51,959 --> 00:20:52,793
Tap into that.

455
00:20:52,876 --> 00:20:54,294
Colts! Colts! Colts!

456
00:21:03,637 --> 00:21:04,763
Do it, Matty!

457
00:21:04,846 --> 00:21:05,806
Dunk it!

458
00:21:07,391 --> 00:21:09,810
I never wanted to have a kid.

459
00:21:11,186 --> 00:21:12,729
Fuck you, Dad.

460
00:21:18,110 --> 00:21:19,945
And the Colts win!

461
00:21:20,028 --> 00:21:24,491
Steaks for everyone
from Hopkins Steakhouse.

462
00:21:24,574 --> 00:21:27,286
Oh, wow!

463
00:21:27,869 --> 00:21:29,663
That son of a bitch did it.

464
00:21:29,746 --> 00:21:31,123
We fucking did it!

465
00:21:31,206 --> 00:21:32,040
We won!

466
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:34,293
Matty fucking dunked!

467
00:21:34,376 --> 00:21:35,961
Yes!

468
00:21:36,044 --> 00:21:38,630
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

469
00:21:38,714 --> 00:21:39,965
Holy fuck!

470
00:21:40,048 --> 00:21:41,550
It's boiling hot!

471
00:21:41,633 --> 00:21:43,302
What the fuck, you idiots?

472
00:21:43,385 --> 00:21:45,220
Well, we couldn't find the Gatorade.

473
00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:47,472
Sorry! We panicked
and grabbed the hot tea.

474
00:21:47,556 --> 00:21:50,267
Why the fuck do we have hot tea
in the fucking gym, you dopes?

475
00:21:50,350 --> 00:21:52,728
Holy shit! That is burning my ass.

476
00:21:52,811 --> 00:21:54,646
It's like a river of lava.

477
00:22:00,861 --> 00:22:01,695
Ugh, here we go.

478
00:22:01,778 --> 00:22:05,282
There's something to help.
Let me balance this real quick.

479
00:22:05,365 --> 00:22:10,412
So, Dad, you're probably gonna think twice
before betting against your own son, huh?

480
00:22:10,495 --> 00:22:12,914
Well, it was the logical choice,

481
00:22:12,998 --> 00:22:16,877
given your history of staggering failure
at every opportunity,

482
00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:19,129
but...

483
00:22:19,212 --> 00:22:20,464
...I am impressed that you won.

484
00:22:21,715 --> 00:22:23,091
I'm just not happy about it

485
00:22:23,175 --> 00:22:26,803
because we're literally losing
thousands of dollars as a family.

486
00:22:26,887 --> 00:22:28,472
Thanks, Dad. That means a lot to me.

487
00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:31,808
Hey, you know what? There's something
I kind of wanna say to you, Dad.

488
00:22:31,892 --> 00:22:33,310
Yeah? What's that, Ace?

489
00:22:33,393 --> 00:22:36,188
Like the porn star said at the gang bang,

490
00:22:36,271 --> 00:22:37,981
"Keep the meat coming."

491
00:22:38,065 --> 00:22:40,942
You saying this fucking twat is my dad?

492
00:22:41,026 --> 00:22:42,694
Who the fuck is this little shit?

493
00:22:42,778 --> 00:22:45,072
Remember when you had sex
with Tina Fitzsimmons?

494
00:22:45,155 --> 00:22:46,698
Well, this little miracle happened.

495
00:22:46,782 --> 00:22:48,116
Tina Fitzsimmons?

496
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,869
If this is my fucking dad,
I'd rather drown.

497
00:22:50,952 --> 00:22:54,581
I'd rather be told a sack of shit
was my dad over this bloated fuck.

498
00:22:54,664 --> 00:22:57,459
Who the fuck you calling a bloated fuck,
you little bloated fuck?

499
00:22:57,542 --> 00:22:59,544
Oh, my God!

500
00:22:59,628 --> 00:23:01,004
Oh, my God!

501
00:23:01,088 --> 00:23:03,382
I have a grandbaby!

502
00:23:03,465 --> 00:23:04,925
This is...

503
00:23:05,008 --> 00:23:06,176
Thank you, God.

504
00:23:06,259 --> 00:23:08,136
I'm your grandpapa.

505
00:23:08,220 --> 00:23:10,055
Eat my dick, Grandpapa.

506
00:23:10,138 --> 00:23:11,390
What'd he say?

507
00:23:11,473 --> 00:23:12,849
Pretty fucking good.

508
00:23:12,933 --> 00:23:14,810
You guys are such idiots.

509
00:23:14,893 --> 00:23:16,895
There's no way this kid is mine.

510
00:23:16,978 --> 00:23:19,731
Are you serious?
He's exactly like you, Ben.

511
00:23:19,815 --> 00:23:22,609
I didn't get Tina Fitzsimmons
fucking pregnant!

512
00:23:22,692 --> 00:23:24,778
I couldn't have. I never had sex with her.

513
00:23:24,861 --> 00:23:26,571
So you were lying.

514
00:23:26,655 --> 00:23:28,407
Yeah, I was fucking lying.

515
00:23:28,490 --> 00:23:29,491
I knew it!

516
00:23:29,574 --> 00:23:32,119
See, told you this dick hole
wasn't my dad.

517
00:23:32,202 --> 00:23:34,079
My mom made it very clear to me

518
00:23:34,162 --> 00:23:38,333
that my dad's an astronaut businessman
doing deals on the moon.

519
00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:41,920
Now, if you'll excuse me,
these cigs ain't gonna smoke themselves.

520
00:23:42,003 --> 00:23:43,380
Gunnar out.

521
00:23:45,340 --> 00:23:46,883
Well, after a day like this,

522
00:23:46,967 --> 00:23:49,302
who wouldn't want a nice cigarette
and a different father?

523
00:23:49,678 --> 00:23:51,680
Well, Ben, looks like,
after all these years,

524
00:23:51,763 --> 00:23:53,515
we finally caught you in a lie.

525
00:23:53,598 --> 00:23:55,100
You know what? You did.

526
00:23:55,183 --> 00:23:56,560
I promise from now on,

527
00:23:56,643 --> 00:23:59,396
I'll be completely honest
with the guy that's fucking my wife.

528
00:23:59,479 --> 00:24:03,191
Oh my God! I think that little boy
is trying to take a shit on Barry's car!

529
00:24:03,275 --> 00:24:04,568
No! No! No! No!

530
00:24:04,651 --> 00:24:07,028
Not my Mercury Cougar!

531
00:24:08,447 --> 00:24:14,369
♪ My home is in Kentucky ♪

532
00:24:14,453 --> 00:24:19,416
♪ And that is where I'll die ♪

533
00:24:20,125 --> 00:24:22,919
♪ I hope it's soon ♪

534
00:24:23,003 --> 00:24:26,840
♪ 'Cause I presume ♪

535
00:24:27,174 --> 00:24:32,304
♪ It's all a waste of time ♪