1
00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:17,642
Goddamn it!
2
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:21,938
Guys, the point is, is to get the ball
to go through the hoop,
3
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:23,106
not miss it.
4
00:00:23,606 --> 00:00:25,233
Hell yeah, dorks. Eat this!
5
00:00:26,776 --> 00:00:27,902
OK, look.
6
00:00:27,986 --> 00:00:31,156
The most important thing about shooting
is the follow-through.
7
00:00:31,239 --> 00:00:32,657
Let me show you how it's done.
8
00:00:33,408 --> 00:00:34,367
[grunts]
9
00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:39,205
[grunts]
10
00:00:40,665 --> 00:00:42,459
All right, fuck. All right, here we go.
11
00:00:43,168 --> 00:00:44,335
Fuckin' piece of sh...
12
00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:48,256
Because everybody knows
it's bad luck to end practice on a miss.
13
00:00:51,968 --> 00:00:53,261
Oh, fuck me!
14
00:00:53,344 --> 00:00:55,513
I'm just gonna make one really fast,
and then we're done.
15
00:01:03,521 --> 00:01:05,899
[continues throwing]
16
00:01:30,632 --> 00:01:33,176
Well, hopefully,
you got what I was trying to say.
17
00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:35,261
[door opens, slams]
18
00:01:36,387 --> 00:01:38,389
[theme music playing]
19
00:01:41,392 --> 00:01:43,061
[whistle blows]
20
00:01:43,144 --> 00:01:44,270
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
21
00:01:44,354 --> 00:01:47,190
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
22
00:01:48,191 --> 00:01:49,359
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
23
00:01:49,442 --> 00:01:51,903
♪ Driving me crazy
'Bout to lose my shit ♪
24
00:01:53,029 --> 00:01:53,863
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
25
00:01:54,322 --> 00:01:57,158
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
26
00:01:57,992 --> 00:01:59,077
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
27
00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:01,412
♪ 'Bout to lose my shit, yeah ♪
28
00:02:02,455 --> 00:02:03,456
[tires screech]
29
00:02:07,001 --> 00:02:08,753
-♪ Hoops! ♪
-[whistle blows]
30
00:02:08,837 --> 00:02:09,838
♪ Hoops! ♪
31
00:02:10,630 --> 00:02:11,756
♪ Hoops! ♪
32
00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:13,424
♪ Hoops! ♪
33
00:02:19,097 --> 00:02:21,099
[Ben] Wow, Kirk! You found it!
34
00:02:21,182 --> 00:02:23,560
The Pamela and Tommy Lee Sex Tape:
35
00:02:23,643 --> 00:02:24,894
Uncensored.
36
00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:26,855
The holy grail of amateur porn.
37
00:02:26,938 --> 00:02:28,898
We haven't watched it
since we were 11 years old.
38
00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:31,442
Oh, that tape was so fucking good.
39
00:02:31,526 --> 00:02:33,778
I almost didn't mind
that it made me insecure
40
00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:36,447
about the size of my dick
for the rest of my life.
41
00:02:36,531 --> 00:02:38,867
So you're sure Shannon has a VCR?
42
00:02:38,950 --> 00:02:41,161
Yeah, she's got a VCR. My VCR.
43
00:02:41,578 --> 00:02:43,538
I'm just gonna run in, and I'll grab it.
44
00:02:44,038 --> 00:02:46,082
-Oh, nice. Ron's here.
-Fuckin' Ron.
45
00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:49,544
He said he had to leave practice
early today for some night class.
46
00:02:49,627 --> 00:02:50,461
[cell phone vibrates]
47
00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:52,672
Ooh, FaceTime! Bold choice.
48
00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:55,300
Hey, I said you could bang my wife.
49
00:02:55,383 --> 00:02:57,844
But lie to get out of work
and bang my wife?
50
00:02:57,927 --> 00:02:59,179
What the fuck, Ron?
51
00:02:59,262 --> 00:03:02,056
I wasn't lying. I'm at an art class.
52
00:03:03,558 --> 00:03:05,059
I can't talk right now.
53
00:03:05,143 --> 00:03:07,145
It makes my belly move around.
54
00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:11,441
[Ben] Who are you, asshole?
55
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,526
[school bell rings]
56
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:19,616
So I have no clue who this guy is.
It could be anyone.
57
00:03:19,699 --> 00:03:21,201
Could be Verne Troyer.
58
00:03:21,284 --> 00:03:24,120
Maybe she just wanted
a bigger dick than yours.
59
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,288
I just don't get it.
60
00:03:25,371 --> 00:03:27,081
What's Shannon getting
from this guy's dick
61
00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:29,542
that she can't get from my dick?
Or Ron's dick.
62
00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:33,171
Look, do you really wanna be
the Lisa Nowak of this love triangle?
63
00:03:33,254 --> 00:03:34,422
Who's Lisa Nowak?
64
00:03:34,505 --> 00:03:35,798
She was an astronaut,
65
00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:38,301
and when her boyfriend dumped her
for another woman,
66
00:03:38,384 --> 00:03:42,096
she drove 900 miles straight
in an adult diaper.
67
00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:43,473
[Ben] Jesus, a diaper?
68
00:03:43,556 --> 00:03:45,266
[Opal] A diaper, Ben!
69
00:03:45,350 --> 00:03:47,060
She hunted that woman down
70
00:03:47,143 --> 00:03:51,147
and got herself arrested for kidnapping
after she pepper-sprayed the cops.
71
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:52,523
She shit in the diaper?
72
00:03:52,607 --> 00:03:53,608
In the diaper!
73
00:03:53,691 --> 00:03:55,068
That's disgusting!
74
00:03:55,151 --> 00:03:59,614
So, do you wanna be Lisa Nowak,
a crazy old shitty lady astronaut,
75
00:03:59,697 --> 00:04:02,325
or someone who minded
their own damn business?
76
00:04:02,408 --> 00:04:05,119
You're right. I want to be Lisa Nowak.
77
00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:07,830
Oh, man. This shit is crazy.
78
00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:09,165
[inhales deeply]
79
00:04:09,832 --> 00:04:11,793
They say these things could kill you,
80
00:04:11,876 --> 00:04:14,712
but if smoking pineapple marijuana
is wrong,
81
00:04:16,005 --> 00:04:17,799
I don't wanna be right.
82
00:04:20,635 --> 00:04:22,512
[all chanting] Fight! Fight! Fight!
83
00:04:22,595 --> 00:04:24,097
[Isaac] He thinks he's better than us.
84
00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:25,807
[Timebomb] That's right. Get his tall ass!
85
00:04:25,890 --> 00:04:28,101
[Matty] God, it's like punching
cottage cheese with arms.
86
00:04:28,184 --> 00:04:29,435
Break it up! Break it up!
87
00:04:29,519 --> 00:04:33,022
Matty, my star, my number one,
are you OK?
88
00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:36,192
Did these little runts hurt you?
I can get rid of all of 'em.
89
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:39,404
They're all just placeholders
until I can afford robots.
90
00:04:39,487 --> 00:04:43,324
I was just minding my own business,
and these little shits ganged up on me.
91
00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:46,995
If I wanted to get bit by a fat kid,
I'd just get my job back at Arby's.
92
00:04:47,078 --> 00:04:48,955
I'm out of here, man! This sucks!
93
00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:53,459
What the fuck is wrong with you guys?
94
00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:56,713
Would the E Street Band
beat up Bruce Springsteen?
95
00:04:56,796 --> 00:04:59,173
You bet your fucking ass they wouldn't
96
00:04:59,257 --> 00:05:00,925
'cause they would be shit without him.
97
00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:04,887
You think people are lining up to see
the geek from Conan beat on the drums?
98
00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:07,056
But, Coach, Matty doesn't fit in.
99
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,600
He thinks he's better than us
just because he's better than us.
100
00:05:09,684 --> 00:05:10,643
Enough!
101
00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:12,979
Matty is a valuable part of this team.
102
00:05:13,062 --> 00:05:16,858
So unless you're all finally willing
to take HGH like I fucking asked,
103
00:05:16,941 --> 00:05:18,443
Matty is here to stay.
104
00:05:18,526 --> 00:05:20,194
I know you guys are hanging out tonight,
105
00:05:20,278 --> 00:05:22,989
so whatever the plan is,
you're including Matty.
106
00:05:23,072 --> 00:05:24,657
[humming]
107
00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:27,368
Oh, hey, Ben. Just wiping off my balls.
108
00:05:27,452 --> 00:05:29,954
Which reminds me, Shannon says, "Hello."
109
00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:31,706
-No time for bullshit, Ron.
-[glass smashes]
110
00:05:31,789 --> 00:05:34,542
OK, but do you want
to see a naked drawing of me?
111
00:05:34,625 --> 00:05:36,169
It's very tastefully done.
112
00:05:36,252 --> 00:05:37,420
Obviously.
113
00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:40,673
See, now there's a dick
I don't mind fuckin' my wife,
114
00:05:40,757 --> 00:05:42,091
and you got a big dick.
115
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:44,177
But I'll tell you, Ron,
you got a handsome dick.
116
00:05:44,260 --> 00:05:46,262
Why thank you, kind sir.
117
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,014
Which brings me to my next point.
118
00:05:48,097 --> 00:05:49,724
Shannon is cheating on us.
119
00:05:49,807 --> 00:05:51,684
I saw her with another guy.
Some son of a bitch.
120
00:05:51,768 --> 00:05:52,810
I don't know who it is.
121
00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:53,936
Wh... What?
122
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:55,063
No, no, no.
123
00:05:55,146 --> 00:05:57,106
I can't believe she's cheating on me!
124
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,233
Now, you I can believe, but me?
125
00:05:59,317 --> 00:06:01,444
I'm beginning to feel
like this woman doesn't understand
126
00:06:01,527 --> 00:06:02,987
the meaning of the word "commitment."
127
00:06:03,071 --> 00:06:05,907
Oh, no one makes love to your wife
behind my back.
128
00:06:05,990 --> 00:06:09,452
-I mean, my girlfriend, your ex-wife.
-My wife, your ex-girlfriend.
129
00:06:09,535 --> 00:06:12,538
-No, my current girlfriend!
-Let's get my wife back to you.
130
00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:16,501
[woman] Oh, my little big man.
131
00:06:16,584 --> 00:06:19,087
Hanging out with his best friends
on a Friday.
132
00:06:19,170 --> 00:06:22,465
These are not my friends, Mom.
They're being forced to hang out with me.
133
00:06:22,548 --> 00:06:23,758
Plus, they're weird.
134
00:06:23,841 --> 00:06:25,927
Just go in there and be yourself.
135
00:06:26,010 --> 00:06:27,470
Get out of your comfort zone.
136
00:06:27,553 --> 00:06:29,097
I'm seven feet tall, Mom.
137
00:06:29,180 --> 00:06:30,973
I don't have a comfort zone.
138
00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:32,308
OK, tell you what.
139
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:34,060
I'll go in there with you,
and we'll just...
140
00:06:34,143 --> 00:06:36,312
I'll just get us...
myself a glass of wine,
141
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:40,400
-and we'll just... I'll have so much fun.
-Nope! Fine. I'm going. I'm going.
142
00:06:40,483 --> 00:06:41,943
[grunts]
143
00:06:42,026 --> 00:06:44,570
All right. I just...
All right. I gotta just...
144
00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:47,240
All right. Elbow out first, and then...
145
00:06:47,323 --> 00:06:48,825
God, who designed this thing?
146
00:06:48,908 --> 00:06:51,160
For a goddamn clown car.
147
00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:52,912
[grunts]
148
00:06:58,292 --> 00:06:59,877
Ron, I don't know what to say.
149
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,046
Beautiful ass, Ron.
150
00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:04,215
I'm glad you're here.
What'd you find on Shannon?
151
00:07:04,298 --> 00:07:07,176
OK. I did some recon.
I broke into her house last night.
152
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:09,262
She's got her AC set at 71 degrees.
153
00:07:09,345 --> 00:07:11,305
I mean, that's way too high.
154
00:07:11,389 --> 00:07:14,934
To me, the sweet spot
is about 68 or 69 degrees.
155
00:07:15,017 --> 00:07:17,687
But here's the thing:
she might have a tropical plant
156
00:07:17,770 --> 00:07:20,440
or, like, a thermostat that takes
the temperature of the entire house
157
00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:22,108
and makes it different in separate rooms.
158
00:07:22,191 --> 00:07:25,319
And if either of those are true,
I support the 71 degrees,
159
00:07:25,403 --> 00:07:27,029
but I'll do more research to make sure.
160
00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:29,157
Oh, wow, Kirk. Great stuff.
161
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:32,160
That's really interesting
about the temperature and all the degrees,
162
00:07:32,243 --> 00:07:35,788
but did you find
one fucking thing I could use, you idiot?
163
00:07:35,872 --> 00:07:37,248
Oh, I did indeed.
164
00:07:37,331 --> 00:07:38,583
Her day planner says
165
00:07:38,666 --> 00:07:42,170
she has an appointment
at her house tonight with "D."
166
00:07:42,253 --> 00:07:43,963
Wait. What's "D"?
167
00:07:44,046 --> 00:07:45,089
"D?"
168
00:07:45,173 --> 00:07:46,841
It's "dick," you idiot.
169
00:07:46,924 --> 00:07:48,384
"D" means "dick."
170
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:52,263
She has an appointment tonight
with "dick."
171
00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:56,100
Gentlemen, what would you like to do?
172
00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:58,394
-Let's get him!
-Cut his dick off and eat it!
173
00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,813
Uh, I mean, let's get him!
174
00:08:03,024 --> 00:08:04,525
I'll be back in a second.
175
00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:06,777
Ben? Why are you here?
176
00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:08,988
'Cause we're about to Joey Greco your ass.
177
00:08:09,071 --> 00:08:11,157
Ugh! Who in the hell is Joey Greco?
178
00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:12,533
Who's Joey Greco?
179
00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:14,452
He's the fuckin' host of Cheaters.
180
00:08:14,535 --> 00:08:17,205
What? You don't watch the CW
at four in the afternoon?
181
00:08:17,288 --> 00:08:18,498
[man] Ben?
182
00:08:20,625 --> 00:08:22,126
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!
183
00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:23,503
Wait a second!
184
00:08:23,586 --> 00:08:25,421
"D" is my dad?
185
00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:28,591
My wife is fucking my dad?
186
00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:32,970
[DJ] Hi, I'm Brad Pitt.
187
00:08:33,054 --> 00:08:35,348
Look at me. I'm Brad Pitt.
188
00:08:35,431 --> 00:08:36,682
The Brad Pitt.
189
00:08:36,766 --> 00:08:40,311
That's supposed to be Brad Pitt?
It looks more like Jabba.
190
00:08:40,394 --> 00:08:41,896
You mean Jabba the Hutt?
191
00:08:41,979 --> 00:08:44,899
You gotta say the whole name.
It's a title he's earned.
192
00:08:44,982 --> 00:08:46,442
Oh, hey, guys.
193
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:50,112
Well, well! Lookie who decided to show up.
194
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:51,822
I didn't decide to show up.
195
00:08:51,906 --> 00:08:53,616
Coach said it was mandatory.
196
00:08:53,699 --> 00:08:55,493
Forget Matty. Look what I got.
197
00:08:56,577 --> 00:08:58,371
Time to get fucked up. [chuckles]
198
00:08:58,454 --> 00:09:01,207
How the hell are we supposed to get drunk
off that little thing?
199
00:09:01,290 --> 00:09:04,585
My sister says if you use tampons,
you don't need much vodka.
200
00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:06,254
Wasn't your sister in rehab?
201
00:09:06,337 --> 00:09:07,672
Yeah, that's where she learned it.
202
00:09:07,755 --> 00:09:08,965
-Well, that's cool!
-Fuck, yeah!
203
00:09:09,048 --> 00:09:09,882
Tight.
204
00:09:12,093 --> 00:09:15,346
Ben... Barry and I are not having sex.
205
00:09:15,429 --> 00:09:16,556
Great!
206
00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:21,102
Sloppy seconds is one thing,
but sloppy thirds would be pushing it.
207
00:09:21,185 --> 00:09:24,522
Ben, Barry and I
are not in any way together.
208
00:09:24,605 --> 00:09:28,192
Barry's always been a mentor to me,
and you know my dad's older,
209
00:09:28,276 --> 00:09:32,780
and he's slowed down a bit now,
so Barry's become like my second dad.
210
00:09:32,863 --> 00:09:35,783
Yeah, that's true, Ace.
Shannon's like the son I never had.
211
00:09:35,866 --> 00:09:36,993
We have a special bond.
212
00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:39,203
I forbid you two from hanging out anymore.
213
00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:42,957
Ben, Barry is an important part
of my life, and you're the opposite.
214
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:46,252
So we're gonna do whatever we want,
and you can't stop us.
215
00:09:46,335 --> 00:09:49,880
Shannon, Dad,
if you guys are hangin', I'm staying.
216
00:09:49,964 --> 00:09:53,843
All right. You guys have
a lovely awkward-as-hell evenin',
217
00:09:53,926 --> 00:09:57,096
but I'm gonna go eat a veggie burger
and a beef burger
218
00:09:57,179 --> 00:09:59,056
and see if I can tell the difference.
219
00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:06,397
This tampon feels really weird in my ass,
and that's saying something for me.
220
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:07,690
Anyone feel drunk yet?
221
00:10:07,773 --> 00:10:09,650
Aren't we supposed
to be bonding with Matty?
222
00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:13,362
He's been in the bathroom for 20 minutes.
What's he even doing in there?
223
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,990
I bet he's in there
tickling the old coxcomb.
224
00:10:16,073 --> 00:10:17,325
That's his fucking peter.
225
00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:19,118
He didn't even put a tampon in.
226
00:10:19,201 --> 00:10:22,413
It's kind of counterintuitive to jerk off
in a bathroom with nothing in your ass.
227
00:10:22,496 --> 00:10:23,581
If he wants to bond with us,
228
00:10:23,664 --> 00:10:26,000
he'd better get his ass out here
and stick this tampon in it.
229
00:10:26,083 --> 00:10:28,377
Think you're too good
to shove this tampon up your butthole,
230
00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:29,462
you fucking giraffe?
231
00:10:29,545 --> 00:10:32,006
Yeah.
He thinks he's too good for butt-tinis,
232
00:10:32,089 --> 00:10:35,092
and I don't care what Coach says,
he's not better than us.
233
00:10:35,176 --> 00:10:37,094
[Matty] I don't think I'm better than you,
234
00:10:37,553 --> 00:10:38,971
but I'll tell you somethin'.
235
00:10:39,055 --> 00:10:40,306
I'm smarter than you.
236
00:10:40,389 --> 00:10:43,100
You're supposed to dip the tampons
in the vodka,
237
00:10:43,184 --> 00:10:46,187
not just put tampons up your ass
when you drink the vodka.
238
00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:47,355
Goddamn!
239
00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:48,648
I'm out of here, man.
240
00:10:49,231 --> 00:10:51,817
Oh, crap.
Who's got the smallest hands here?
241
00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:53,944
My string is no longer visible!
242
00:10:54,028 --> 00:10:58,324
I repeat, my string is no longer visible!
243
00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:06,457
[Shannon] OK, time for Guy Fieri's
Recipes for Success: Financial not Edible.
244
00:11:06,540 --> 00:11:08,584
Wait, that's actually what's on the tape?
245
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:11,379
Yeah. Barry gave me a box set of these
when I started my business.
246
00:11:11,462 --> 00:11:12,546
That's a relief.
247
00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:17,760
I thought it was a Guy Fieri porno takeoff
like Going down on Flavortown.
248
00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:19,679
Who watches porn on VHS?
249
00:11:19,762 --> 00:11:21,055
Aficionados.
250
00:11:21,138 --> 00:11:22,973
[on TV] Hey, I'm TV's Guy Fieri.
251
00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:26,185
Now, most of you know
that I live in Flavortown, but guess what?
252
00:11:26,268 --> 00:11:29,939
Not a lot of people know
that I have a timeshare in Businesstown.
253
00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:33,859
So these are my 567 tips
for spicing up your business.
254
00:11:34,235 --> 00:11:35,152
Holy shit.
255
00:11:35,236 --> 00:11:38,030
I don't know if this guy knows business,
but he knows Flavortown.
256
00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:40,783
I had the best wings of my life
at one of his dumps.
257
00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:42,743
Oh, well, if you'll excuse me,
258
00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:45,454
I have some pretty important
business of my own, you hot shits.
259
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:48,207
Look at me, the next Guy Fieri.
260
00:11:49,208 --> 00:11:51,085
All right. Make it quick. I'm busy.
261
00:11:51,168 --> 00:11:55,172
Coach, we tried to hang out with Matty.
Truly, we did. But it was a bust.
262
00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:56,590
Matty thinks we're dumb shits
263
00:11:56,674 --> 00:11:59,802
because we spent all day
shoving tampons up each other's asses.
264
00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:03,389
Although, now that I've said it out loud,
it does sound a lot dumber.
265
00:12:03,472 --> 00:12:05,474
Well, that's not good enough,
and you know it.
266
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:09,145
You're hangin' with Matty again tomorrow,
and you gotta make this work.
267
00:12:09,770 --> 00:12:12,022
-Kirk, what the hell?
-I'm still on the job.
268
00:12:12,106 --> 00:12:14,734
Looks like she's going
to a wedding tomorrow night
269
00:12:14,817 --> 00:12:16,485
with whoever this "D" guy is.
270
00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:19,113
How have you not figured this out yet?
271
00:12:19,196 --> 00:12:21,240
"D" is my fucking dad!
272
00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:23,826
You two are going to a wedding?
273
00:12:24,994 --> 00:12:26,078
What wedding?
274
00:12:26,162 --> 00:12:28,164
Your third cousin Tony's wedding.
275
00:12:28,247 --> 00:12:30,124
I'm taking Shannon as my plus-one.
276
00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:32,626
Third cousin To... What the fuck?
277
00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:35,504
Why wasn't I invited
to my third cousin Tommy's wedding?
278
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:38,174
Listen, I'm only going
because it's at a horse farm,
279
00:12:38,257 --> 00:12:40,926
and this could be
a real big business opportunity for me.
280
00:12:41,302 --> 00:12:43,596
You know what? Fine. Fuck you both.
281
00:12:43,679 --> 00:12:45,806
I'm not gonna be
the one shitting in my diaper
282
00:12:45,890 --> 00:12:47,099
in this love triangle.
283
00:12:47,641 --> 00:12:49,769
And don't look at each other all confused.
284
00:12:49,852 --> 00:12:52,480
Some lady astronaut
shit in a diaper over a man
285
00:12:52,563 --> 00:12:54,857
while she was driving
to Florida from Texas.
286
00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:55,900
Ask Opal.
287
00:12:57,234 --> 00:12:59,069
Damn, even his house is tall.
288
00:12:59,153 --> 00:13:01,614
OK, team. Let's just get through this
as fast as we can.
289
00:13:01,697 --> 00:13:04,784
And no matter how terrible it is
to be with him, which it will be,
290
00:13:04,867 --> 00:13:07,077
we just tell Coach
that we bonded with Matty.
291
00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:08,621
[doorbell rings]
292
00:13:08,704 --> 00:13:11,207
Welcome back to Guy Fieri's
Guide to Surviving High School.
293
00:13:11,290 --> 00:13:12,666
I know it might be hard to believe,
294
00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:15,461
but I wasn't the most funkalicious kid
in high school.
295
00:13:15,544 --> 00:13:18,798
So remember, never provoke a bully
'cause you might get your butt kicked.
296
00:13:18,881 --> 00:13:21,759
Look at y'all hanging out
and being friends.
297
00:13:21,842 --> 00:13:24,220
Matthew, why don't you
show them your boy cave?
298
00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:25,971
Ooh, yeah, Matty!
299
00:13:26,055 --> 00:13:27,556
Show us your boy cave.
300
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:30,017
Mom, I told you
not to call it a "boy cave."
301
00:13:30,100 --> 00:13:31,477
Oh, whatever you want to call it.
302
00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:33,979
Show him your... downstairs area.
303
00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:35,022
All right. All right.
304
00:13:35,105 --> 00:13:37,942
We'll go down to the basement.
Jesus Christ!
305
00:13:38,025 --> 00:13:40,361
[disco music playing]
306
00:13:42,988 --> 00:13:44,365
[laughing]
307
00:13:44,448 --> 00:13:46,909
See? What did I tell you, huh?
308
00:13:46,992 --> 00:13:49,370
Isn't my little Shannon a horse genius?
309
00:13:49,453 --> 00:13:51,497
Ha! I don't know about genius.
310
00:13:51,580 --> 00:13:52,915
He ain't wrong.
311
00:13:52,998 --> 00:13:55,751
I'd love to show you a few horses we got.
312
00:13:57,378 --> 00:13:59,255
Ben? What are you doing here?
313
00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:02,550
Oh, hi, Barry. You see, funny story.
314
00:14:02,633 --> 00:14:04,385
I called up my dear cousin Tommy.
315
00:14:04,468 --> 00:14:07,054
Christ, Ben. It's Tony!
316
00:14:07,137 --> 00:14:09,682
You don't remember him?
He was your first kiss.
317
00:14:09,765 --> 00:14:11,016
It was a French kiss.
318
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:13,102
His were the first titties
I ever sucked too.
319
00:14:13,185 --> 00:14:15,980
Can we please
just make it through one wedding
320
00:14:16,063 --> 00:14:17,481
without you causing a scene?
321
00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:20,401
Oh, when have I ever caused a scene
at a wedding?
322
00:14:20,484 --> 00:14:21,443
-Give me that!
-[gasping]
323
00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:24,446
I know you guys are saving it for tonight,
but don't do it.
324
00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:25,948
I saw his dick in the bathroom.
325
00:14:26,031 --> 00:14:28,617
I'm telling you, it's tiny,
and it's weird lookin'.
326
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,286
Don't fuck this man.
327
00:14:30,786 --> 00:14:34,456
He got a new dick because of that.
Now it's medium and weird looking.
328
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:36,000
Oh, put a sock in it, D.
329
00:14:36,083 --> 00:14:37,668
I'm finally at peace.
330
00:14:37,751 --> 00:14:40,421
I, too, have found a second dad,
331
00:14:40,504 --> 00:14:43,257
and he's my motherfucking plus-one.
332
00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:45,634
Allow me to introduce my new dad,
333
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:46,886
Shannon's dad.
334
00:14:47,303 --> 00:14:49,346
Happy birthday!
335
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,767
[Matty] I really don't wanna do this.
336
00:14:59,523 --> 00:15:03,110
[thumping electronic music playing]
337
00:15:03,193 --> 00:15:04,778
[slot machine beeps]
338
00:15:09,533 --> 00:15:12,119
I know, OK? It's lamesauce.
339
00:15:12,202 --> 00:15:13,871
My dad was obsessed with Vegas,
340
00:15:13,954 --> 00:15:17,791
and so he built this basement
as his man cave, and then he left us.
341
00:15:17,875 --> 00:15:20,294
So now I just hang out down here
by myself.
342
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:23,505
I guess the man cave
has become a boy cave.
343
00:15:23,589 --> 00:15:24,882
Is this real booze?
344
00:15:24,965 --> 00:15:26,300
Hey, high rollers.
345
00:15:26,383 --> 00:15:30,804
Remember, what happens in the boy cave
stays in the boy cave.
346
00:15:30,888 --> 00:15:31,764
[chuckles]
347
00:15:31,847 --> 00:15:34,141
Thanks, toots.
You got a bright future here.
348
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:37,728
Mayonnaise and bacon
on both sides of the bread?
349
00:15:37,811 --> 00:15:41,148
I thought that was a trick
that only fat families knew about.
350
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:43,984
See, Matthew? They love it.
351
00:15:44,068 --> 00:15:47,738
I told you good friends
can fill the void your father left behind.
352
00:15:47,821 --> 00:15:50,157
And you thought everybody hated you.
353
00:15:52,242 --> 00:15:53,535
Mom, go!
354
00:15:55,537 --> 00:15:57,331
Look, Matty, we don't hate you.
355
00:15:57,414 --> 00:15:58,832
We thought you hated us.
356
00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:01,335
It's just been different on the team
since you showed up.
357
00:16:01,418 --> 00:16:04,046
Before you,
no one ever expected us to do well,
358
00:16:04,129 --> 00:16:06,048
so we just hung out and dicked around.
359
00:16:06,131 --> 00:16:07,341
Now there's all this pressure.
360
00:16:07,424 --> 00:16:10,135
Well, if it helps,
I don't give a shit about winning.
361
00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:12,930
Coach just seemed chill,
and I thought you guys would be too.
362
00:16:13,013 --> 00:16:14,848
To being chill.
363
00:16:14,932 --> 00:16:17,184
And to drinkin',
through our mouths this time.
364
00:16:17,267 --> 00:16:19,895
But I'm gonna keep the tampon in
a little longer though just in case.
365
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:22,189
You know,
I like how it feels in my butthole.
366
00:16:22,272 --> 00:16:24,108
-Yeah!
-Sweet!
367
00:16:24,191 --> 00:16:25,234
All right!
368
00:16:28,278 --> 00:16:31,156
[singing]
369
00:16:55,389 --> 00:16:57,474
[song fades]
370
00:17:00,519 --> 00:17:03,105
[disco music playing]
371
00:17:03,188 --> 00:17:05,691
My point is,
if you're gonna be Shannon's dad,
372
00:17:05,774 --> 00:17:07,818
then Shannon's dad should be my dad.
373
00:17:07,901 --> 00:17:09,445
We talked the whole ride here.
374
00:17:09,528 --> 00:17:11,780
And guess what? This guy is the tits!
375
00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:16,410
OK. So you're telling me
that you had a three-hour conversation
376
00:17:16,493 --> 00:17:19,496
with a guy who thinks
that coat is his dead wife?
377
00:17:19,580 --> 00:17:22,833
Why, yes, darling, it is cold outside.
378
00:17:23,208 --> 00:17:27,129
All right. I did most of the talking,
but Shannon's dad's a real good listener.
379
00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:29,006
And at least he made me feel heard.
380
00:17:29,089 --> 00:17:31,383
He doesn't make me feel
like a constant disappointment.
381
00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:32,760
Oh, son.
382
00:17:32,843 --> 00:17:34,053
Please, come on.
383
00:17:34,136 --> 00:17:38,640
I may call you a disappointment,
but it's your choice to feel that way.
384
00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:41,602
Nah, my new dad and I
are gonna go cut a fucking rug.
385
00:17:41,685 --> 00:17:43,437
Ain't that right, Shannon's dad?
386
00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:46,565
The last time a Jehovah's Witness
was on my property,
387
00:17:46,648 --> 00:17:48,776
I took out a shotgun and, well,
388
00:17:48,859 --> 00:17:52,529
now he's witnessing Jehovah all the time.
[chuckles]
389
00:17:52,613 --> 00:17:54,698
Jesus! Keep it together, you fucking nut.
390
00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:57,034
-[cell phone vibrating]
-Don't move. I gotta take this.
391
00:17:57,951 --> 00:18:00,871
[all] Hey, Coach!
392
00:18:00,954 --> 00:18:02,539
I just wanted you to know, man,
393
00:18:02,623 --> 00:18:04,875
we're bonding
the hell out of each other, man.
394
00:18:04,958 --> 00:18:05,918
It's all good.
395
00:18:06,001 --> 00:18:09,838
Wow! DJ's titties
really fill out that bra. Nice.
396
00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:12,633
[slurring] Coach, thank you
for putting me on the team.
397
00:18:12,716 --> 00:18:14,384
I think it's gonna be good.
398
00:18:14,468 --> 00:18:17,471
This makes me really happy.
I'm thrilled you guys are bonding.
399
00:18:19,681 --> 00:18:21,308
Sorry, Matty. I gotta go.
400
00:18:21,391 --> 00:18:23,060
Time to do-si-do.
401
00:18:23,143 --> 00:18:24,103
That rhymed.
402
00:18:24,186 --> 00:18:26,271
Now I'm doing a whole rhyming thing.
403
00:18:26,355 --> 00:18:27,314
I'm stuck.
404
00:18:27,397 --> 00:18:28,732
What luck.
405
00:18:28,816 --> 00:18:31,151
I'm gonna go shoot a hockey puck.
406
00:18:31,235 --> 00:18:33,695
Now I'm doing it on purpose,
and it's not as good.
407
00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:35,072
Don't drink and drive.
408
00:18:35,155 --> 00:18:37,866
Barry, I'm this close to closing a deal!
409
00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:39,660
Is that Ben?
410
00:18:39,743 --> 00:18:41,078
[Barry] Yes, it is.
411
00:18:41,161 --> 00:18:43,038
Ugh! What is he doin' here?
412
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:46,041
Trying to make us jealous
by dancing with your dad.
413
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,168
I love you, new, better dad!
414
00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:50,087
[laughs]
415
00:18:50,170 --> 00:18:51,171
Listen to me.
416
00:18:51,255 --> 00:18:55,592
I took a guy's eyes in Korea
with a grapefruit spoon.
417
00:18:55,676 --> 00:18:57,719
Yeah, that's not my dad.
418
00:18:58,804 --> 00:19:01,140
[disco music playing]
419
00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:02,766
What do you mean he's not your dad?
420
00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:05,227
I picked him up
from your parents' house in Greenville.
421
00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:06,186
Right.
422
00:19:06,270 --> 00:19:08,647
That's Willy Rothbart, you dumbass,
423
00:19:08,730 --> 00:19:11,358
the man that bought my parents' old house.
424
00:19:11,441 --> 00:19:13,902
How do you not remember
what my dad looks like?
425
00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:16,822
Because all old white guys
look the fucking same.
426
00:19:16,905 --> 00:19:20,492
Look, I thought Joe Biden
and the oatmeal guy from Cocoon
427
00:19:20,576 --> 00:19:22,369
were the stars in The Kominsky Method.
428
00:19:22,452 --> 00:19:23,745
This is crazy.
429
00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:26,123
Why did he even agree to come with you?
430
00:19:28,625 --> 00:19:30,794
[angelic music playing]
431
00:19:30,878 --> 00:19:32,296
Are you God?
432
00:19:32,379 --> 00:19:35,007
Jim, you're too kind.
It's good to see you too.
433
00:19:35,090 --> 00:19:37,384
Wait! Wait! No, I'm not ready yet!
434
00:19:37,467 --> 00:19:40,220
I have so much to confess before I go.
435
00:19:40,304 --> 00:19:43,974
Ah, who doesn't? Get in the car.
There's an adult diaper in the back.
436
00:19:44,641 --> 00:19:46,685
Must have been my charming personality.
437
00:19:46,768 --> 00:19:48,687
Ain't that right, you weirdo?
438
00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:51,481
Hey, buddy.
439
00:19:51,982 --> 00:19:53,150
Buddy, wake up.
440
00:19:53,233 --> 00:19:55,068
Psst! Hey, bud. Come on.
441
00:19:58,447 --> 00:20:00,699
Oh, my God! I think he's dead!
442
00:20:00,782 --> 00:20:04,161
Oh, my fuck!
I touched a fucking dead guy! Disgusting!
443
00:20:04,912 --> 00:20:06,830
-[screaming]
-[Ben] There's a dead body!
444
00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:08,999
Yuck! Run for your life!
445
00:20:09,082 --> 00:20:12,085
Also, congrats, Tommy! I'm happy for ya.
446
00:20:12,169 --> 00:20:15,464
But we both know it should have been me
marrying you.
447
00:20:15,547 --> 00:20:17,466
That kiss was fuckin' special!
448
00:20:17,549 --> 00:20:19,635
What's goin' on here?
Who the hell is that guy?
449
00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:22,429
No idea! Just some poor lunatic.
450
00:20:22,512 --> 00:20:24,223
Hey, let's go and sign these contracts.
451
00:20:24,306 --> 00:20:25,182
Shannon!
452
00:20:25,766 --> 00:20:28,852
He must mean a different Shannon.
I have no idea who that man is.
453
00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:30,312
Shannon Hopkins!
454
00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:32,105
It's me, your husband.
455
00:20:32,189 --> 00:20:33,023
Help me!
456
00:20:33,106 --> 00:20:36,944
Your dad shit his pants in my car,
and then I kissed him, and then he died.
457
00:20:37,027 --> 00:20:38,695
And now he's in the cake.
458
00:20:38,779 --> 00:20:40,197
[sobbing]
459
00:20:41,031 --> 00:20:43,408
First, the birthday clown
at my grandson's party
460
00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:45,202
pulls his peter out, and now this!
461
00:20:45,285 --> 00:20:47,412
Goddamn! I can't catch a break!
462
00:20:52,709 --> 00:20:55,712
[solemn organ music playing]
463
00:20:59,716 --> 00:21:01,051
[inhales deeply]
464
00:21:01,134 --> 00:21:02,427
[sighs]
465
00:21:02,970 --> 00:21:04,471
You were a great listener.
466
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:06,890
Rest in peace, you wack job.
467
00:21:08,850 --> 00:21:10,769
Dad, what are you doing here?
468
00:21:10,852 --> 00:21:12,479
I came to pay my respects.
469
00:21:12,896 --> 00:21:17,234
Son, I thought about what you said
and how I don't listen to you.
470
00:21:17,609 --> 00:21:21,238
I'm sorry it took you kidnapping
a strange old man to show me that.
471
00:21:22,155 --> 00:21:23,282
Thanks, Dad.
472
00:21:23,365 --> 00:21:25,450
That's all I ever wanted to hear.
And in fact--
473
00:21:25,534 --> 00:21:26,660
[woman] Can you move?
474
00:21:27,369 --> 00:21:29,246
You've been standing there
for ten minutes.
475
00:21:29,329 --> 00:21:30,831
Can it, lady! I'm grieving.
476
00:21:30,914 --> 00:21:32,499
Did you even know him?
477
00:21:32,582 --> 00:21:33,709
Did I know him?
478
00:21:34,251 --> 00:21:37,379
On Saturday, between the hours
of four and eight p.m.,
479
00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:39,756
he was like a father to me.
480
00:21:40,799 --> 00:21:42,050
And who is that?
481
00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:43,385
That's my actual father.
482
00:21:43,468 --> 00:21:44,594
He's an asshole.
483
00:21:45,595 --> 00:21:51,518
♪ My home is in Kentucky ♪
484
00:21:51,601 --> 00:21:56,481
♪ And that is where I'll die ♪
485
00:21:57,232 --> 00:21:59,985
♪ I hope it's soon ♪
486
00:22:00,068 --> 00:22:03,947
♪ 'Cause I presume ♪
487
00:22:04,448 --> 00:22:09,328
♪ It's all a waste of time ♪