1
00:00:26,317 --> 00:00:27,360
That's a charge!

2
00:00:27,444 --> 00:00:30,739
Oh, you inbred pile of donkey shit!

3
00:00:30,822 --> 00:00:31,740
What did you say?

4
00:00:31,823 --> 00:00:33,825
You four-eyed fuck! Come on!

5
00:00:33,908 --> 00:00:36,286
That was a fucking block,
and you know it in your heart.

6
00:00:36,369 --> 00:00:37,412
You know it was a block!

7
00:00:37,495 --> 00:00:39,789
Come on, Ben.
Are we really doing this again?

8
00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:43,376
These guys are a foot fucking taller
than us, Jeremy!

9
00:00:43,460 --> 00:00:46,796
You gotta call it even
on both sides, ya prick!

10
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:50,300
Ben, I do not want to "T" you again.
The game is basically over.

11
00:00:50,383 --> 00:00:51,217
Well, fuck you!

12
00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:52,719
It's not my fault

13
00:00:52,802 --> 00:00:56,431
that the hamster that you tied to a string
and shoved up your ass

14
00:00:56,514 --> 00:00:57,599
chewed off the string,

15
00:00:57,682 --> 00:00:59,976
and now you're standing there
with a piece of string,

16
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,771
but the hamster's eatin' away
at the inside of your asshole!

17
00:01:02,854 --> 00:01:04,064
Knock it off, Hopkins!

18
00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:06,775
Oh, fuck you, Greg.
You're the one who probably

19
00:01:06,858 --> 00:01:09,277
shoved the hamster up there
in the first place.

20
00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:12,072
Oh, fuckin'... My fucking life!

21
00:01:12,489 --> 00:01:14,407
We're getting pounded inside

22
00:01:14,491 --> 00:01:17,118
the way your momma
pounds your fucking sister!

23
00:01:17,202 --> 00:01:19,579
All right!
You had your fun, but that's it.

24
00:01:19,662 --> 00:01:21,081
You're out of here!

25
00:01:21,164 --> 00:01:24,292
Good! I wanna be outta here
'cause this is a shitshow.

26
00:01:24,375 --> 00:01:26,294
-Come on, Coach.
-And this is a circus!

27
00:01:26,377 --> 00:01:27,962
And this is not basketball.

28
00:01:28,046 --> 00:01:30,465
This is Barnum and fuckin' Bailey's.

29
00:01:30,548 --> 00:01:32,884
Come on. No more.
No more! Come on. This is crazy!

30
00:01:32,967 --> 00:01:36,429
But after they took away the elephants
and it's not as fun!

31
00:01:44,312 --> 00:01:45,355
♪ Hey, yeah♪

32
00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:48,191
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪

33
00:01:49,317 --> 00:01:50,401
♪ Hey, yeah♪

34
00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:53,071
♪ Driving me crazy
'Bout to lose my shit♪

35
00:01:54,197 --> 00:01:55,031
♪ Hey, yeah♪

36
00:01:55,406 --> 00:01:58,326
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪

37
00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:00,203
♪ Hey, yeah♪

38
00:02:00,286 --> 00:02:02,580
♪ 'Bout to lose my shit, yeah ♪

39
00:02:08,294 --> 00:02:09,838
♪ Hoops!♪

40
00:02:09,921 --> 00:02:10,880
♪ Hoops!♪

41
00:02:11,506 --> 00:02:12,340
♪ Hoops!♪

42
00:02:13,550 --> 00:02:14,592
♪ Hoops!♪

43
00:02:20,181 --> 00:02:22,308
It's gonna be hard
to sleep tonight for me, guys.

44
00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:23,810
This one's on me.

45
00:02:23,893 --> 00:02:25,812
This one goes on my permanent record.

46
00:02:25,895 --> 00:02:28,314
I let my emotions
get the best of me again.

47
00:02:28,398 --> 00:02:30,900
I've coached you
not to make the same mistake,

48
00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:32,026
and then I made it.

49
00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:34,904
I deserve not to be listened to
and not to be respected,

50
00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:37,574
but you do listen to me,
and you do respect me.

51
00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:39,868
And I owe it to you to apologize,
and that's what this is.

52
00:02:39,951 --> 00:02:42,036
Let's put it behind us. I apologize.

53
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:43,246
It's OK, Coach.

54
00:02:43,329 --> 00:02:45,123
It was actually one
of your funnier meltdowns.

55
00:02:45,206 --> 00:02:48,459
Marcus, if you're listening
to Billy Joel again, I swear to God...

56
00:02:48,543 --> 00:02:51,045
Huh? Oh, sorry.
I was listening to "Glass Houses,"

57
00:02:51,129 --> 00:02:53,173
Billy Joel's second-best album.

58
00:02:53,256 --> 00:02:56,759
Crap! I don't want my team
psyching themselves up

59
00:02:56,843 --> 00:02:58,970
to Billy fucking Joel.

60
00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:01,764
We're the shortest team in the league.

61
00:03:02,098 --> 00:03:05,310
But you can't teach size.
I can't teach size!

62
00:03:06,269 --> 00:03:09,105
My problem is I care too much.

63
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:10,857
I love this game!

64
00:03:11,482 --> 00:03:13,276
I love basketball,

65
00:03:13,776 --> 00:03:15,320
and I love this team.

66
00:03:15,403 --> 00:03:16,654
Right here.

67
00:03:16,738 --> 00:03:17,697
I love you guys.

68
00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:21,326
I love coaching you guys.

69
00:03:21,409 --> 00:03:22,952
You're missing the point, Coach.

70
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:24,329
Oh, and what's the point, DJ?

71
00:03:24,412 --> 00:03:28,249
Coach, you said if we won the game,
you'd give us your Bang Bus password.

72
00:03:28,333 --> 00:03:29,167
Well, we lost.

73
00:03:29,250 --> 00:03:30,627
Well, we want it anyway.

74
00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:33,546
No! I'm sick of always bein' a pushover.

75
00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:35,965
Not anymore!
I'm sticking to my guns this time.

76
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:38,760
Come on, Coach.
I wanna see some banging on some buses!

77
00:03:40,178 --> 00:03:41,763
Fine. Username: BOOBIES.

78
00:03:41,846 --> 00:03:43,389
Password: LOVETOLICKEM.

79
00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:45,767
Both case-sensitive, all caps.

80
00:03:45,850 --> 00:03:50,396
And make sure you spell "boobies"
with ten "Os." "BOOOOOOOOOOBIES."

81
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:51,773
What about Scott?

82
00:03:51,856 --> 00:03:52,774
Yeah, what about me?

83
00:03:52,857 --> 00:03:54,943
What, the Bang Bus
doesn't pick up gay guys?

84
00:03:55,026 --> 00:03:55,860
No!

85
00:03:55,944 --> 00:03:58,321
Look, I don't have any memberships
to any of the gay sites.

86
00:03:58,404 --> 00:03:59,364
That's not fair!

87
00:03:59,447 --> 00:04:00,490
Right, guys?

88
00:04:00,573 --> 00:04:02,659
Bullshit! Bullshit!

89
00:04:02,742 --> 00:04:05,370
- Bullshit!
- All right! All right! Shut up! Jesus!

90
00:04:05,453 --> 00:04:08,164
I wish you guys were this unified
on the fucking court.

91
00:04:08,873 --> 00:04:11,459
Here's my credit card.
Go buy yourself something handsome.

92
00:04:16,756 --> 00:04:19,801
Sorry. Is this a bad time 'cause that kid
with the baby inside of her is here?

93
00:04:20,176 --> 00:04:21,261
-Yes.
-No.

94
00:04:22,595 --> 00:04:25,473
Listen, the school board
is coming down hard on my ass.

95
00:04:25,556 --> 00:04:26,891
They're sick of your crap.

96
00:04:26,975 --> 00:04:30,061
We have to make some changes around here,
or I'm screwed.

97
00:04:30,144 --> 00:04:32,313
The school board
is coming down hard on your ass?

98
00:04:32,397 --> 00:04:35,066
Language, Opal.
This is a school, for fuck's sake!

99
00:04:35,149 --> 00:04:38,111
Ben, you know how it works here
as well as I do.

100
00:04:38,194 --> 00:04:41,656
You can't be an asshole
and a losing coach.

101
00:04:41,739 --> 00:04:44,867
In Kentucky, baby, winning cures all.

102
00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:48,955
Look, you've only lasted this long
because your father is Barry Hopkins.

103
00:04:49,038 --> 00:04:50,581
Oh, enough about my dad.

104
00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:52,333
Sure, he played pro basketball,

105
00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:54,669
but he doesn't know
the first thing about coaching.

106
00:04:54,752 --> 00:04:57,672
Opal, I don't have time for your bullshit.
I gotta coach.

107
00:04:57,755 --> 00:04:59,299
No, you gotta win.

108
00:04:59,382 --> 00:05:02,135
The school board is coming
to the game on Saturday.

109
00:05:02,218 --> 00:05:03,720
I'm not playing with you, Ben.

110
00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:06,389
If they don't see any hope, it's over.

111
00:05:06,472 --> 00:05:10,560
Opal, there's only one way
this school has a chance at winning,

112
00:05:10,643 --> 00:05:12,061
and you know he won't play.

113
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:14,856
That's not an "OP." That's a "BP."

114
00:05:14,939 --> 00:05:17,358
-What?
-That's not an Opal problem.

115
00:05:17,442 --> 00:05:18,818
It's a Ben problem.

116
00:05:18,901 --> 00:05:20,695
Then just fucking say that,

117
00:05:20,778 --> 00:05:23,031
not this OP, BP bullshit.

118
00:05:23,114 --> 00:05:25,074
I did! That's what I said!

119
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:26,284
That's not what you said.

120
00:05:26,367 --> 00:05:28,995
You said, "This isn't an OP.
This is a BP."

121
00:05:29,078 --> 00:05:30,330
That means nothing to me!

122
00:05:30,413 --> 00:05:32,540
Listen, I'm hipping you to the fact!

123
00:05:32,623 --> 00:05:34,375
I'm telling you,
you oughta know me by now.

124
00:05:34,459 --> 00:05:36,794
When I tell you something,
I mean what I'm saying. That's it!

125
00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:40,673
Well, let me hip you to the fact
that I'm getting this kid to play,

126
00:05:40,757 --> 00:05:42,759
and I'm saving my job.

127
00:05:45,428 --> 00:05:47,972
Coach, for the millionth time,
the answer's no.

128
00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:50,224
Just play on the team, friend.

129
00:05:50,308 --> 00:05:51,351
I'm not your friend.

130
00:05:51,434 --> 00:05:53,895
You're a crazy-ass teacher
with zero boundaries.

131
00:05:53,978 --> 00:05:55,605
You've got a gift, Matty.

132
00:05:55,688 --> 00:05:58,274
Being tall ain't a gift. It sucks, bro.

133
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:01,110
Being able to fart on command,
that's a gift.

134
00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:04,489
What Jeff Dunham does
with those puppets, that's a gift.

135
00:06:04,572 --> 00:06:05,531
Fuck this, man.

136
00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:08,826
If I wasn't seven feet tall,
you wouldn't even care about me.

137
00:06:08,910 --> 00:06:10,119
Matty, look at me.

138
00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:11,371
I'm begging you.

139
00:06:11,454 --> 00:06:13,790
I am in the position of submission.

140
00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:15,792
Your dick is in my face.

141
00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:17,001
This is how low I am.

142
00:06:17,085 --> 00:06:17,919
Then move.

143
00:06:18,002 --> 00:06:20,546
Matty, if I lose, I'm fired.

144
00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:23,549
But if I start winning,
I get a college gig,

145
00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:26,427
and then the pros start calling.
And then the next thing you know,

146
00:06:26,511 --> 00:06:30,431
I'm coaching the Chicago Bulls,
and I got an infinity pool.

147
00:06:30,515 --> 00:06:32,767
I mean, if I had an infinity pool,

148
00:06:32,850 --> 00:06:36,938
whoa, everybody would be sucking
so many of my dicks.

149
00:06:37,021 --> 00:06:38,564
You gotta tighten it up, dog.

150
00:06:38,648 --> 00:06:40,400
I'm just a 16-year-old kid.

151
00:06:40,483 --> 00:06:43,194
You can't be talking to me
about dicks getting sucked.

152
00:06:43,277 --> 00:06:45,905
Please, Matty! If you join the team,

153
00:06:45,988 --> 00:06:48,866
you'll get to be part of something
that is bigger than yourself.

154
00:06:48,950 --> 00:06:50,243
Lame sauce.

155
00:06:50,326 --> 00:06:53,704
I wasn't finished.
You'll also get an iPad, first-generation.

156
00:06:53,788 --> 00:06:57,750
It's got a small crack in the screen,
but I've downloaded Little Man Tate to it,

157
00:06:57,834 --> 00:07:00,753
which, if you haven't seen,
is a very heartwarming film.

158
00:07:00,837 --> 00:07:02,088
I'm seven feet tall, man.

159
00:07:02,171 --> 00:07:04,090
I'm not interested
in "little man" anything.

160
00:07:04,173 --> 00:07:08,594
All right. I didn't want to do this,
but you're forcing my hand.

161
00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:11,264
I've got something in my back pocket
I'm gonna offer to you.

162
00:07:11,639 --> 00:07:12,974
It's pussy, Matty.

163
00:07:13,057 --> 00:07:15,351
You have a vagina in your back pocket?

164
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,979
No, I don't have a vagina
in my back pocket.

165
00:07:18,062 --> 00:07:21,399
What I'm saying to you is
I'm gonna get you laid, Matty.

166
00:07:21,482 --> 00:07:22,400
Are you serious?

167
00:07:22,483 --> 00:07:24,193
You're a 16-year-old kid.

168
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:26,362
Don't tell me sex
isn't the only thing you think about

169
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:27,989
'cause I know you'd be lying.

170
00:07:28,072 --> 00:07:31,325
Look, if you penetrate a woman before
Saturday, will you play in the game?

171
00:07:31,409 --> 00:07:33,119
I mean... I... Well...

172
00:07:33,202 --> 00:07:36,205
Say no more, you little pervert!
I will get it done!

173
00:07:40,376 --> 00:07:43,296
I would have made it if not for you, Ron,
you bad luck charm.

174
00:07:43,713 --> 00:07:45,715
But thanks for coming. I need your help.

175
00:07:45,798 --> 00:07:49,135
I gotta get this Matty kid laid ASAP
so he'll play on the team.

176
00:07:49,218 --> 00:07:52,054
As long as we're talking about
inappropriate things,

177
00:07:52,138 --> 00:07:56,184
you can't be texting my girlfriend,
"You up?" every night.

178
00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:57,727
I knew she was up.

179
00:07:57,810 --> 00:08:01,147
Listen, Shannon's my wife.
I can text her whenever I want.

180
00:08:01,230 --> 00:08:03,608
No, Shannon's your ex-wife.

181
00:08:03,691 --> 00:08:06,444
Not yet, she isn't.
I haven't signed the divorce papers.

182
00:08:06,527 --> 00:08:08,779
And if I'm honest, I'm not sure I'm gonna.

183
00:08:08,863 --> 00:08:10,615
Ron, you're my assistant coach,

184
00:08:10,698 --> 00:08:13,117
and I've been very cool
about you dating my wife,

185
00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:15,912
so I'd appreciate it if you were cool
about me texting her

186
00:08:15,995 --> 00:08:17,914
when I'm up lonely on sleeping pills.

187
00:08:17,997 --> 00:08:21,167
Yeah.
You know, I guess you are being cool.

188
00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:22,710
No wonder we're best friends.

189
00:08:22,793 --> 00:08:26,005
I'm sure you'll move on
from my girlfriend eventually, right?

190
00:08:26,088 --> 00:08:29,091
I doubt it. Whatever.
Keep fucking my wife, Ron.

191
00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:32,970
Oh, good. You're listening.

192
00:08:33,054 --> 00:08:34,805
Ladies, would any of you date Matty?

193
00:08:34,889 --> 00:08:37,934
Ugh! You couldn't pay me
to go out with Billy Bob Thyroid.

194
00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:38,893
What?

195
00:08:38,976 --> 00:08:43,397
Roxanne, you're saying you literally
wouldn't date Matty, even if I paid you?

196
00:08:43,481 --> 00:08:45,733
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
He's just playing around.

197
00:08:45,816 --> 00:08:48,569
Coach, you can't pay someone
to date Matty.

198
00:08:48,653 --> 00:08:50,821
I didn't bring up pay. She did!

199
00:08:51,822 --> 00:08:54,116
Holy shit! That's it!

200
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,035
Ron, cover my class.

201
00:08:56,118 --> 00:08:58,246
First your wife, now your class?

202
00:08:58,329 --> 00:09:00,331
I'm doing everything for you.

203
00:09:01,874 --> 00:09:06,462
So you pay me to fuck this Matty kid,
and you get an infinity pool?

204
00:09:06,837 --> 00:09:08,631
Ben, I'm a hooker, not an idiot.

205
00:09:08,714 --> 00:09:09,715
Essentially, yes.

206
00:09:09,799 --> 00:09:12,093
You're skipping the part
about all my dicks being sucked,

207
00:09:12,176 --> 00:09:14,011
but you seem
to have a handle on it, Connie.

208
00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:19,267
OK. Anyway, it's $500 for penetration,
but I can give him a blower for 250.

209
00:09:19,350 --> 00:09:23,104
You're telling me that fucking
is twice as much as a blow job?

210
00:09:23,187 --> 00:09:24,272
Fucking?

211
00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:26,524
Most of the time, with fucking,
you just gotta lay there.

212
00:09:26,607 --> 00:09:28,568
It's the blow job
you do all your heavy lifting.

213
00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:30,528
If I'm you, I combine the two things.

214
00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:32,947
Fucking is twice as much as a blow job!

215
00:09:33,030 --> 00:09:35,741
Connie, I say this
as one of your oldest friends.

216
00:09:35,825 --> 00:09:37,868
That doesn't make any sense,

217
00:09:37,952 --> 00:09:39,996
and also, from the guy's point of view,

218
00:09:40,079 --> 00:09:42,248
fucking isn't twice as good as a blow job.

219
00:09:42,331 --> 00:09:45,293
Me personally, I don't like fucking.
It's exhausting.

220
00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:46,586
A blow job, sure.

221
00:09:46,669 --> 00:09:49,171
But fucking? No way!

222
00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:52,008
This whole pricing system
is a goddamn mess.

223
00:09:52,091 --> 00:09:54,885
You're sittin' there,
you're sucking all those fucking dicks,

224
00:09:54,969 --> 00:09:56,012
fucking these guys.

225
00:09:56,095 --> 00:09:58,556
You gotta suck four dicks for two fucks.

226
00:09:58,639 --> 00:10:00,474
Honey, your numbers don't add up.

227
00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:03,144
Your neck is gonna fall off
from sucking all those dicks.

228
00:10:03,227 --> 00:10:05,479
My mouth and cooter are like CarMax:

229
00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:08,274
no negotiating and close to the airport.

230
00:10:08,357 --> 00:10:10,109
Listen, let's cut the shit.

231
00:10:10,192 --> 00:10:11,902
I got $85 to my name.

232
00:10:11,986 --> 00:10:13,404
To my name, Connie.

233
00:10:13,487 --> 00:10:15,406
Eighty-five bucks gets you a knee job.

234
00:10:15,489 --> 00:10:18,200
That's over the pants.
I just kind of rub my knee around on it.

235
00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:19,952
I promised this kid insertion.

236
00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:22,663
Insertion for 85 bucks?

237
00:10:22,747 --> 00:10:26,208
I wouldn't let him insert a tampon
for 85 bucks.

238
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:28,044
OK, look.
I'm gonna throw in a sweetener.

239
00:10:28,127 --> 00:10:30,129
It's an iPad, first-generation,

240
00:10:30,212 --> 00:10:33,090
which I'm sure you don't know anything
about technology, that's nice.

241
00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:36,052
It does have a little crack on the screen,
but who cares?

242
00:10:36,135 --> 00:10:40,014
You ever seen the movie Little Man Tate?
It's fucking so good. You'll go nuts.

243
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:42,767
Five hundred dollars, Ben. No negotiation.

244
00:10:42,850 --> 00:10:46,062
All right, fine.
Put a squirt emoji in your iCal.

245
00:10:46,145 --> 00:10:48,773
You're having sex with a teenager tonight.

246
00:10:51,776 --> 00:10:53,861
I'm telling you,
if we don't do well Saturday,

247
00:10:53,944 --> 00:10:56,364
Coach is gonna get fired.
It's all over the school.

248
00:10:56,447 --> 00:10:58,699
If he gets fired,
they're gonna get a real coach,

249
00:10:58,783 --> 00:11:01,369
and there's no way
a real coach will let me play on the team.

250
00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:03,621
Look at me.
I've got titties, for Chrissake.

251
00:11:03,704 --> 00:11:04,538
And I've got rabies.

252
00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:07,291
I'll bet a real coach would test for that,
then I'm fucking fucked.

253
00:11:07,375 --> 00:11:10,252
And he's probably gonna be a stickler
for knowing how to play basketball,

254
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:12,797
which, honestly, is really not my thing.

255
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:15,675
Yeah, none of us would be on this team
without Coach.

256
00:11:15,758 --> 00:11:19,095
Well, I'd probably still be on the team
since I get almost all of our points.

257
00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:20,388
Coach brought us all together.

258
00:11:20,471 --> 00:11:22,723
You guys are like family,
except we don't date each other.

259
00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:24,850
Hell, I'll do anything
to keep this group together.

260
00:11:24,934 --> 00:11:26,936
-Me too.
-We've gotta save him.

261
00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:37,446
Ben, I'm worried about you.

262
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,990
You're worried about me?
I'm worried about me.

263
00:11:40,074 --> 00:11:42,785
I only have $85 to my name, Dad,

264
00:11:42,868 --> 00:11:45,162
and I need another $415,

265
00:11:45,246 --> 00:11:47,498
and I need it now, or I'm done.

266
00:11:47,581 --> 00:11:49,041
I came from your nut.

267
00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:50,876
I lived inside your balls.

268
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,586
I shot out your dick.

269
00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:57,174
Four hundred and fifteen bucks
and we call our relationship even, square.

270
00:11:57,258 --> 00:11:58,592
Come on. Help a coach out.

271
00:11:58,676 --> 00:12:01,429
I'd love to help a coach out,
but I don't see one here.

272
00:12:03,889 --> 00:12:05,683
Look, they say winning isn't everything,

273
00:12:05,766 --> 00:12:08,686
but that's just to make
failures like you feel better.

274
00:12:09,812 --> 00:12:12,773
How about some
three-point bourbon shots on the house?

275
00:12:12,857 --> 00:12:15,317
Just make sure you tag the restaurant.

276
00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:17,361
Please, I need the money, Dad.

277
00:12:17,445 --> 00:12:20,614
Son, if I gave you money
whenever you asked for it,

278
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:22,283
I'd be as poor as you.

279
00:12:22,366 --> 00:12:24,118
Is that what you want for your dad?

280
00:12:24,201 --> 00:12:26,370
Look, I told you.
I'll pay for graduate school.

281
00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:28,789
You can study business
and help out here at the restaurant.

282
00:12:28,873 --> 00:12:30,166
Restaurant school, huh?

283
00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:32,877
So I can serve overpriced slop
to your aging fans?

284
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,420
I have bigger dreams than that.

285
00:12:34,503 --> 00:12:36,881
Oh, shit, Ben. I've heard your dreams.

286
00:12:36,964 --> 00:12:39,133
Even if you did have multiple dicks,

287
00:12:39,216 --> 00:12:42,052
no one's gonna suck them
more than one at a time.

288
00:12:42,136 --> 00:12:45,306
You know what? I'm not gonna do this.
Not here. Not in my restaurant.

289
00:12:45,389 --> 00:12:48,392
This is a classy family restaurant,
you dickhead.

290
00:12:48,476 --> 00:12:52,062
If you're not gonna give me the money,
then I'm gonna go to my wife and beg her.

291
00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:52,980
Ex-wife!

292
00:12:53,063 --> 00:12:56,358
And leave that poor woman alone,
all right? She's been through enough.

293
00:12:59,653 --> 00:13:03,282
Oh, Shannon, you should see
these two horses fuck each other.

294
00:13:03,365 --> 00:13:05,034
It reminds me of our first date

295
00:13:05,493 --> 00:13:07,536
when we watched
those horses fucking each other.

296
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:08,746
That was so funny.

297
00:13:08,829 --> 00:13:09,955
You know what was funny?

298
00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:13,584
I pretended your dick wasn't tiny
our entire marriage.

299
00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:17,087
Oh, that was fun.

300
00:13:17,171 --> 00:13:20,508
Look, until I sign the divorce papers,
you're still my wife,

301
00:13:20,591 --> 00:13:22,343
and you're dating my best friend.

302
00:13:22,426 --> 00:13:24,678
I think it's pretty awesome
that I'm cool with that.

303
00:13:24,762 --> 00:13:28,766
I don't give a fuck what you're cool with.
That's why I left you, loser.

304
00:13:28,849 --> 00:13:30,684
Shannon, honey, look at me.

305
00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:32,436
I'm a desperate man.

306
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:35,314
I need $415 today,

307
00:13:35,397 --> 00:13:38,818
or I lose my job
and everything I've ever worked for.

308
00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:40,653
Help me out, please!

309
00:13:40,736 --> 00:13:43,989
Being a basketball coach
is all I've ever dreamed of.

310
00:13:44,073 --> 00:13:45,658
Actually, know what this reminds me of?

311
00:13:45,741 --> 00:13:48,494
If you say the words, "Little Man Tate,"
I swear to God...

312
00:13:48,577 --> 00:13:53,374
You remember how Little Man Tate
tripped on his own feet a bunch of times

313
00:13:53,457 --> 00:13:56,794
before you realize his gift
of just being a little man

314
00:13:56,877 --> 00:13:58,504
stuck in a Tate's body?

315
00:13:59,046 --> 00:14:01,090
Ben, I'm not giving you any money.

316
00:14:01,173 --> 00:14:03,509
We are not getting back together,

317
00:14:03,592 --> 00:14:07,137
and I hate to break it to you,
but Little Man Tate sucks.

318
00:14:10,599 --> 00:14:13,227
Thanks, Scott. There's a lot here.
This really helps.

319
00:14:13,310 --> 00:14:16,647
We don't want you to lose your job, Coach.
We love this team.

320
00:14:16,730 --> 00:14:18,566
Scott, I don't know what to say.

321
00:14:18,649 --> 00:14:21,402
Next! Who else has got money for Coach?

322
00:14:21,777 --> 00:14:24,572
Here, Coach. This is my monthly stipend
for Weight Watchers.

323
00:14:24,655 --> 00:14:28,158
You have a stipend for Weight Watchers?
I thought it was just a meal plan.

324
00:14:28,242 --> 00:14:30,411
Oh, Coach. It's so much more than that.

325
00:14:30,494 --> 00:14:33,664
They moved away from points,
and it's been transformative.

326
00:14:33,747 --> 00:14:36,709
Look, I'll tell you what I told
the only woman I ever loved.

327
00:14:36,792 --> 00:14:38,919
"You are beautiful just how you are,

328
00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:40,754
and you don't need bigger titties."

329
00:14:40,838 --> 00:14:41,964
Thanks, Coach.

330
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:45,426
Here you go, Coach.
I stole this from my little brother.

331
00:14:45,509 --> 00:14:47,386
You could pawn it.
Probably get a hundred bucks.

332
00:14:47,469 --> 00:14:49,221
Thank you, Timebomb. This is great.

333
00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:52,349
When your little brother learns to talk,
tell him, "Thanks."

334
00:14:53,183 --> 00:14:56,312
This is all my bar mitzvah money, Coach.
I want you to have it.

335
00:14:56,395 --> 00:14:58,230
Thanks, Isaac. Although you know what?

336
00:14:58,314 --> 00:15:01,275
I deserve this money
for sitting through that fucking thing.

337
00:15:01,358 --> 00:15:02,276
Shit music.

338
00:15:02,359 --> 00:15:03,360
Horrible food.

339
00:15:03,444 --> 00:15:04,486
Silly hats.

340
00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:06,280
I did like the chair thing though.

341
00:15:06,363 --> 00:15:07,698
Oh, and by the way,

342
00:15:07,781 --> 00:15:10,284
didn't they say at the end of that thing
you'd become a man?

343
00:15:10,367 --> 00:15:12,411
When the fuck is that gonna happen?

344
00:15:12,494 --> 00:15:14,914
Technically, it has happened.

345
00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:17,333
My parents give me 20 bucks
every time I get an "A,"

346
00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:19,293
and I've invested wisely in Bitcoin.

347
00:15:19,376 --> 00:15:21,587
Well, thankfully,
if you include the firearm,

348
00:15:21,670 --> 00:15:25,507
I already have the $415 here,
so we don't need your space money.

349
00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:27,092
Great. I'll just hold on to it

350
00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:29,553
until the global economy
inevitably collapses.

351
00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:32,056
So you got the money!
Everything's gonna work out, right?

352
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:39,021
This is not where I wanted to be
at this stage in my life.

353
00:15:39,104 --> 00:15:42,483
Offering illegal sex to an underage kid
to help my career.

354
00:15:43,025 --> 00:15:44,610
I had so many plans.

355
00:15:44,693 --> 00:15:48,030
I wanna walk in a room
and have people know who I am.

356
00:15:48,113 --> 00:15:49,490
I wanna turn heads.

357
00:15:49,573 --> 00:15:52,201
I'm sick of being anonymous!

358
00:15:52,743 --> 00:15:54,453
Great speech, Ben.

359
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:57,289
How tall do you say this kid is?

360
00:15:57,373 --> 00:15:58,624
Seven feet.

361
00:15:58,707 --> 00:16:00,376
You might want to stretch.

362
00:16:03,837 --> 00:16:06,006
Coach! Oh, great. He knows where I live.

363
00:16:06,090 --> 00:16:09,927
Dog, you gotta stop creeping on me.
I told you I don't wanna play basketball.

364
00:16:10,010 --> 00:16:11,053
Yo!

365
00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:13,013
Am I fucking this kid or not?

366
00:16:13,097 --> 00:16:15,808
As you can see,
I've kept my end of the bargain.

367
00:16:15,891 --> 00:16:16,809
Who is that?

368
00:16:16,892 --> 00:16:18,644
Connie. She's a woman of the night.

369
00:16:18,727 --> 00:16:20,729
She's not a ten but a solid six.

370
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:22,898
Five maybe. Four at the worst.

371
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:25,734
But what are you? A three?
You should be so fucking lucky.

372
00:16:26,068 --> 00:16:27,569
Here, I got you some Magnums.

373
00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:29,029
You're a tall son of a bitch,

374
00:16:29,113 --> 00:16:30,864
so even if you've
got a below-average schlong,

375
00:16:30,948 --> 00:16:32,574
I'm betting it's still pretty big.

376
00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:35,786
Now me, I was supposed to be tall,
but my mom's short.

377
00:16:35,869 --> 00:16:39,248
My dad's got a python,
but unfortunately, I got my mom's dick.

378
00:16:39,331 --> 00:16:40,791
Do you know you're talking out loud?

379
00:16:40,874 --> 00:16:42,710
Yeah, Matty. It's called recruiting.

380
00:16:44,294 --> 00:16:46,005
Coach, seriously, you gotta stop.

381
00:16:46,088 --> 00:16:51,051
No, I'll never stop, Matty,
because we need you on this team, kid.

382
00:16:51,135 --> 00:16:52,511
And I'm here for you.

383
00:16:52,594 --> 00:16:55,389
And that's what being a coach
is all about.

384
00:16:55,472 --> 00:16:58,142
So you wanna pork this chick or what?

385
00:16:58,225 --> 00:16:59,601
How about an HJ?

386
00:16:59,685 --> 00:17:02,354
Her pricing's crazy.
I can get you a really good deal.

387
00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:05,899
-Coach, I don't think that's gonna happen.
-Why not? I got her right here.

388
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:09,319
Oh, shit! Connie, don't tell 'em nothing!

389
00:17:09,403 --> 00:17:12,823
I didn't. All I told 'em was you gave me
500 bucks to have sex with a kid.

390
00:17:12,906 --> 00:17:14,408
That's everything!

391
00:17:15,659 --> 00:17:17,036
You'll regret this, buddy.

392
00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:18,746
My dad owns a restaurant.

393
00:17:25,753 --> 00:17:27,504
Good luck on Saturday, Coach.

394
00:17:31,008 --> 00:17:34,970
I'm so grateful
that nobody fucked me in there!

395
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:39,099
Sure, my ego's hurt a little,
but nonetheless, thank you, God.

396
00:17:43,937 --> 00:17:47,066
Shan, whatever you're gonna say,
I deserve it.

397
00:17:47,441 --> 00:17:49,777
This is the lowest of the low.

398
00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:53,739
The lowest I've been since that time
nobody tried to butt-fuck me in prison

399
00:17:53,822 --> 00:17:55,074
a couple of hours ago.

400
00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:56,784
I'm gonna lose my job, Shannon,

401
00:17:56,867 --> 00:17:58,327
and it's all my fault.

402
00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:02,164
I can't believe I spent the team's money
on a prostitute for Matty.

403
00:18:02,247 --> 00:18:05,709
You had those kids
buy another kid a prostitute?

404
00:18:05,793 --> 00:18:08,962
Jesus Christ, Shannon!
Are you even listening to me?

405
00:18:09,046 --> 00:18:12,007
I didn't have kids buy a prostitute.

406
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:16,428
I bought the prostitute for a kid
with money from other kids.

407
00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:18,013
You're a pervert.

408
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:21,350
If you could sing or act,
they'd make documentaries about you.

409
00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:23,393
Shan, I'm pouring my heart out here.

410
00:18:23,477 --> 00:18:25,187
I can't even talk to you anymore.

411
00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:26,897
You focus on all the wrong shit.

412
00:18:26,980 --> 00:18:28,315
My dream just died.

413
00:18:28,398 --> 00:18:30,651
I have nothing... except for you.

414
00:18:30,734 --> 00:18:31,568
No!

415
00:18:32,736 --> 00:18:34,655
You have nothing.

416
00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:47,668
-Can I help you, sir?
-Yeah.

417
00:18:48,168 --> 00:18:50,921
Do you have something
for a man whose dreams just died,

418
00:18:51,004 --> 00:18:55,259
and now he's got to work at his dad's
boring-ass basketball-themed steakhouse

419
00:18:55,342 --> 00:18:56,969
for the rest of his life?

420
00:18:57,052 --> 00:18:59,721
Usually, the "I hate my dad" clothes
are for women,

421
00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:01,765
but I'm sure we can find something.

422
00:19:01,849 --> 00:19:02,975
Follow me!

423
00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:15,112
You know, I should at least
say goodbye to the guys.

424
00:19:23,537 --> 00:19:26,081
Where the heck have you been?
The game's about to start.

425
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:28,292
The school board is getting antsy.

426
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:30,961
I assumed I was fired.

427
00:19:31,044 --> 00:19:34,131
I couldn't get Matty to play,
and I was arrested for gettin' a hooker.

428
00:19:34,214 --> 00:19:35,632
You got arrested?

429
00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:38,010
Uh... If you didn't hear about it,

430
00:19:38,093 --> 00:19:40,721
then, uh, no, I didn't get arrested.

431
00:19:40,804 --> 00:19:41,847
Well, listen, Ben.

432
00:19:41,930 --> 00:19:45,142
I tried everything I could,
but I think it would be best

433
00:19:45,225 --> 00:19:49,188
if you just put your resignation letter
on my desk by tomorrow...

434
00:19:51,148 --> 00:19:54,484
is what I would be saying
if you didn't get Matty.

435
00:19:54,568 --> 00:19:56,111
Wait. What are you talking about?

436
00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:58,906
I'm saying you got Matty.
Was that not clear?

437
00:19:58,989 --> 00:20:01,408
I'm trying to be more fun.
He's right over there.

438
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:04,912
Holy shit!

439
00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:07,706
Opal, you're right.

440
00:20:07,789 --> 00:20:09,666
That was way more fun!

441
00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:12,336
I like it! I like it. You did a good job!

442
00:20:15,422 --> 00:20:17,382
What the hell are you doing here, friend?

443
00:20:17,466 --> 00:20:20,344
Did Connie throw you a free one?
That's why she's the best.

444
00:20:20,427 --> 00:20:21,762
Heart of gold, that woman.

445
00:20:22,137 --> 00:20:24,806
No, but what you did yesterday

446
00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:27,559
was the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.

447
00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:29,019
Failing to get you a hooker

448
00:20:29,102 --> 00:20:31,605
was the nicest thing
anyone ever did for you?

449
00:20:31,688 --> 00:20:33,273
Kid, you need better friends.

450
00:20:33,357 --> 00:20:35,150
It just showed
that you really wanted me here.

451
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:38,695
You know, no one in my entire life
has ever wanted me anywhere.

452
00:20:39,404 --> 00:20:40,781
You know, my dad left when I was--

453
00:20:40,864 --> 00:20:42,199
Boring!

454
00:20:42,282 --> 00:20:44,201
You're here. That's what matters.

455
00:20:44,284 --> 00:20:46,662
Matty, you're part of the team now,

456
00:20:46,745 --> 00:20:48,705
and we take care of each other here.

457
00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:50,582
I'm always gonna be there for ya.

458
00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:54,836
Now, are we just gonna stand here
and jerk each other off,

459
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:58,590
or are we gonna get out there
and play some Colt basketball?

460
00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:07,182
Time-out! Did you see that?

461
00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:08,475
We won the tip.

462
00:21:08,558 --> 00:21:10,978
We won the fucking tip!

463
00:21:11,061 --> 00:21:13,272
We haven't won a tip in eight years!

464
00:21:13,355 --> 00:21:16,108
It's a new day in Lenwood, you fuckers!

465
00:21:16,608 --> 00:21:19,444
Yeah.

466
00:21:19,528 --> 00:21:22,281
You motherfuckers thought
I couldn't do it.

467
00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:25,450
But the great Coach Hopkins
proved you wrong.

468
00:21:25,534 --> 00:21:28,161
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

469
00:21:28,245 --> 00:21:29,121
Right.

470
00:21:29,204 --> 00:21:32,749
No one can take this moment away from me.

471
00:21:32,833 --> 00:21:37,754
The fucking tip, motherfuckers,
with a seven-foot fucking giant.

472
00:21:37,838 --> 00:21:39,006
You're outta here!

473
00:21:39,089 --> 00:21:40,215
Whatever you want.

474
00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:41,550
I don't care, Greg.

475
00:21:41,633 --> 00:21:43,719
Usually, that'd make me go nuts,

476
00:21:43,802 --> 00:21:45,971
but you're looking
at a whole new Coach Hopkins.

477
00:21:46,054 --> 00:21:51,351
I got my player. I got my job.
I'm about to get my beautiful wife back.

478
00:21:53,145 --> 00:21:54,521
And my dad?

479
00:21:54,604 --> 00:21:58,650
He can go fuck his restaurant
with all my dicks.

480
00:22:05,490 --> 00:22:07,576
I'm sorry I let you down, Coach.

481
00:22:07,659 --> 00:22:08,660
Let me down?

482
00:22:08,744 --> 00:22:11,079
We only lost by 16 points thanks to you.

483
00:22:11,163 --> 00:22:13,707
I can't remember
the last time we got that close.

484
00:22:13,790 --> 00:22:16,585
The school board saw some real progress.

485
00:22:16,668 --> 00:22:19,338
Well, I guess I didn't hate it
as much as I thought.

486
00:22:19,421 --> 00:22:22,507
Plus, it was pretty exciting
when that cheerleader gave birth.

487
00:22:22,591 --> 00:22:24,634
It sure was, wasn't it?

488
00:22:24,718 --> 00:22:26,386
The magic of basketball.

489
00:22:26,470 --> 00:22:30,098
Coach, I... I gotta say
this feels like a family here, you know?

490
00:22:30,182 --> 00:22:31,892
And I need that because...

491
00:22:31,975 --> 00:22:34,686
after my dad left,
my mom had to work some crazy--

492
00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:37,898
Boring!
Sorry, the story was just really boring.

493
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:41,401
No, I get it. It was...
It was pretty boring. You're right.

494
00:22:41,985 --> 00:22:44,571
Matty, come here, you tall, lanky weirdo.

495
00:22:44,654 --> 00:22:48,992
I gotta say, I think this is
the beginning of a beautiful friendship,

496
00:22:49,076 --> 00:22:52,454
and that right there
is a quote from Little Man Tate.

497
00:22:52,871 --> 00:22:53,747
I think.

498
00:22:54,247 --> 00:22:57,834
It didn't download properly.
I never got to see the whole movie.

499
00:22:59,044 --> 00:23:04,633
♪ My home is in Kentucky♪

500
00:23:05,050 --> 00:23:10,055
♪ And that is where I'll die♪

501
00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:17,479
♪ I hope it's soon 'cause I presume♪

502
00:23:17,938 --> 00:23:22,484
♪ It's all a waste of time♪