Okay, we've been around and around on this.
We can make this a whole hell of a lot easier
if you just answer one simple question.
How old is Betty Hart?
(sighs) And I am telling you, that is not a simple question.
I'm going to ask it again.
How old is Betty Hart?
Are you really sure you want to go down this road?
I just want one of you people
to give me a straight answer.
How old is Betty Hart?!
And I'm telling you, I have no idea
what the hell y'all are talking about.
Now, I'm starving‐‐ somebody go fetch me some Corn Nuts
and a diet Dr. Mister before I go
"hangry lady" on your butts.
♪ ♪
Bassett. Bassett!
Slow down. why are you on tilt today?
I mean, are the guys making fun of your cross‐eyes again?
I do not have cross‐eyes.
One just gets lazy after lunch.
Anyway, remember the Winston‐Salem killings?
The string of drug‐related murders
with the crazy meth gang, yeah.
I mean, all we ever had on 'em
was a picture of an RV.
Well, I've got the RV and...
I've got the meth gang right over there.
That does not look like a meth gang.
They were driving the RV, they were trying to buy meth,
and witnesses heard them kill, and then throw out the body.
Well, I guess we got to hear what they have to say.
Are you gonna start talking or am I gonna blow my stack?
Are you...? Sorry.
‐Are you talking to me or her? ‐You!
Ooh, you better be careful because this one?
All emotions.
Oh, I'm a huge fan of the whole "good cop, bad cop" thing.
Is he gonna kick a trash can?
I love it when they kick trash cans.
Why don't you just walk us through it, one more time?
Oh, me? I'm not telling you donut chasers nothing.
Aah!
Perfect. Oh, I love it.
Love the rage. Okay, I'll tell you everything you want to know.
Well, my gram's birthday was coming up.
And we were giving her crap about it,
like we do every year.
Mother, your birthday's coming up.
Have you started planning the party?
Ooh, have you been putting out your feelers
to the male stripper community?
And you want the cake to say:
"None of your damn business"?
Yeah, Gram. Or will this be the year
people actually learn which birthday they're celebrating?
Well, not that I owe you fools an explanation,
but Betty Hart's just gonna have
a quiet birthday at home this year.
I've already broken the news to Richard Gere via Titters.
I'm just gonna spend a quiet night
vacuuming my bedspread.
Something's weird.
Very weird.
She always wants a huge party.
Why not this year?
Could this year be a milestone birthday?
(both gasp)
So you're telling me you have
no idea how old your own mother is?
Oh, God doesn't even know.
She'll kill you if you get close.
Oh, Mom, this banner got all jumbled.
So silly.
Can you just grab the numbers
and stick 'em in the middle there?
Nice try.
(yelps)
Betty Hart?
It's me, Rand Carlson.
We went to high school together, remember?
Class of 19‐‐ (shouting)
(shushing)
He'll be fine. Get in!
Come on, just tell me how old my mother is.
Let's just say, that whole thing with the cross?
That's nothing compared to what your mom
would do to me if I told.
So you're not telling?
Even having this conversation is
freaking me out.
Okay, so where are we at?
Uh, last week she let it slip that she got drunk
and "caught finger herpes" at Hands Across America,
which was... (scatting)
1986, so assuming
she was legal drinking age in '86‐‐
You can't assume Betty Hart would wait
till legal drinking age to get drunk.
Oh, so that goes in the dead‐end pile.
Congratulations to all of us
and our futures and the bountiful whimsy
that all of life holds because...
I got us an RV we can use for free!
Let's go see the untamed beauty
of the Outer Banks.
What?
Okay, tell me about this RV.
Explain it to me like I'm a two‐year‐old.
Well, an RV
is, like, a "weally" big car‐‐
‐Not literally! ‐Okay, I'm sorry. I don't know how it works.
I've never been a perp before. So...
I was at work,
cleaning up a nasty glue spill...
Bro, guess who has two thumbs
and just got back from Dollywood.
Oh, man, you went to Dollywood?
Yep. And get this.
I didn't have to spend a dime on hotels.
A guy just lent me his RV for free.
What? Who?
Just a guy. A good Samaritan.
He was even disappointed when I brought it back.
He asked me to find someone else who could take it for a while.
Oh, hell yeah!
It's been my life's dream to drive my girls
to the Outer Banks.
They got a campground there, right on the ocean,
called Saint Clair Landing. If you got an RV,
you can sleep so close to the water
you can hear a fish fart.
Well, the man who can make fishes fart
near you is right over there.
Hmm. Trav, I don't know.
I mean, can we trust this guy?
‐I don't even know him. ‐I'll tell you what.
I'll take a photo of his psychic energy field.
Okay, that looks like...
light Silver, the color
of a nurturing, spiritually awake person.
Mmm‐k‐kaboom!
Hey, hoss, does your pony still need a rider?
You‐you mean the RV?
Sure does.
And when would you need it back?
Oh, I don't ever need it back.
You knew nothing about this alleged stranger
who allegedly just gave you his RV?
Oh, we knew all we needed to know.
We had his aura.
‐What was his name? ‐I don't know!
Unbelievable!
(trashcan clanging)
VIOLET: Ooh, did he kick the trash can?
JENNY: Yep, he did!
I'm sorry, I should've got his name.
See, that kind of thinking is why you two are cops
and why I'm about to get a full‐cavity search.
Which I deserve.
Nope. Go ahead.
My holes are an open book.
Close your holes!
These people don't even know
basic facts about each other.
I'm telling you they are not a family.
They are a crime syndicate.
And a brilliant one at that.
Aw, boo‐boo, just because you arrest three or more people
doesn't make it a "syndicate."
They could just be a stupid group.
These people are acting too stupid
to be stupid.
Road trips, you say you love 'em?
Your whole family loves them?
Oh, man, yeah, do they ever.
JENNY: An RV is a car with a toilet in it.
So we're gonna be in the rolling toilet all day,
and then sleep all night in the rolling toilet?
It's not a rolling toilet.
It's an RV, and you love RVs.
Remember? When we saw that RV once,
and you said you wonder how much human feces is in that thing?
Yeah, 'cause I was grossed out.
Well, forgive me for thinking we shared a curiosity
about volumes of things.
Mom, an RV could be how we finally crack
the Gram age case.
Tight quarters, nowhere to storm off to
when she feels us closing in,
the stench of toilet deodorizer clouding her brain.
She'll be off her game, and she'll slip up for sure.
Oh, Vi. That is brilliant.
You know what? I'm in.
Let's take a birthday road trip.
Yes! Let's find out
how much feces that thing can hold.
Oh, Lord.
(siren wailing)
♪ ♪
SKEEVY GUY: And that's how you get rid of evidence.
ROCKER CHICK: Wait, I left stuff in there I want.
What did you leave in there?
‐Slim. ‐Slim has a new family now.
He'll eat them alive.
Yes, he will.
(cackling)
(whoops) We are on the road, ladies!
(groans) Kitchens and bathrooms should never
be this close together.
You should not be able to drop a deuce
and cook ground beef at the same time.
Eyes on the prize, Mom.
This trip is about clocking Gram's age
once and for all.
And if the smell gets too much,
we always have these.
Where did you get a gas mask?
Uh, wait. What do you mean?
It's my gas mask. You guys didn't bring yours?
Why do you even own a gas mask?
Because the world is a tinderbox
that could blow up at any second?
So we all have gas masks?
Huh, must be a generational thing.
What the hell is going on in this thing?
A Styrofoam cup of loose bullets,
a collection of wigs, 666 incense burner.
Autographed picture of David Schwimmer?
Who are these people?
Oh, they're good people.
Because Travis took an aura picture,
and it was light silver.
Hey, excuse me, I'm looking for a second opinion
on this aura photo‐‐ either the colors got darker overnight,
or my eyes are going bye‐bye boo‐boo.
Hmm, yes.
Most people don't wait long enough for these to develop.
Follow me into the light.
And please don't step on my hair.
Well, usually dark silver
represents someone, mmm,
incapable of feeling remorse,
aka, pure evil.
Typically meth dealers.
Or telemarketers.
Whoa, the difference between light
and dark silver ain't no joke.
Yeah. Plus, he's got no teeth.
That's a meth tell right there.
Oh, my God!
what did I do to my friend?!
Wayne!
‐Aah! ‐Gram.
It's just a wig head.
‐Cool wig though. ‐Whoa, whoa, whoa!
VIOLET: Oh, jackpot.
♪ Are you ready for the thing called love ♪
♪ Don't come from me and you ♪
♪ It comes from up above ♪
Hee‐hee!
I love this song, y'all!
Yeah, remember the first time you heard it?
What were you wearing?
Like, approximately what size were you?
Were you shopping in the Junior's department?
Or were you adulting it up at The Limited by then?
Could you afford Wilson's Leather?
Mm. Describe your hair.
Was it an asymmetrical do?
Or pouf bangs?
Banana clip? Scrunchie? Baby doll barrettes?
Oh, I had a shaved head like G.I. Jane.
'Cause I'm a warrior
at keeping people out my personal business.
‐(both sigh) ‐(Wayne sneezes)
‐(tries screech) ‐(all shouting)
Ew! Ew! Ew!
(sneezes) Ah, sorry for all the sneezing.
The disco‐dander from these vintage clothes
is up in my sinuses.
Here, Wayne. I probably got an allergy pill in here somewheres.
Gonna take a minute, I got 'em memorized by shape.
Headache, vagina ache,
diarhear...
VOCCOLA: Hey, Little Ms. Valley of the Dolls.
Where'd you get the unmarked pills?
Or am I gonna have to track 'em
back to the narcos that supplied you?
Well, these little green gel tabs are for gas,
so I'd look up Pablo Tootscobar
or Joaquin "El Panty Burps" Guzman.
Let's talk about your little stop at Costco.
What? I've never been to Costco.
What even is a Costco?
We have a video of you walking into one.
Well, if anyone can just say they have a video of something,
then I have video of you walking into your own butt.
How you like that?
Check and mate.
Yeah, can I get a box of Sudafed super quick, please?
(sneezes)
Are you kidding me? One box?
That's all I need.
50% off all pharmacy purchases.
You don't waste a fifty percenter on one of anything.
We'll take a case of Sudafed.
No. Two cases.
Ma'am, Sudafed's only one per customer.
Mother, don't make a scene.
I am making a scene!
("These Boots Are Made for Walkin'" by Nancy Sinatra plays)
♪ You keep saying... ♪
Violet, what the hell?!
This is the song they played at the compound in Waco.
‐This will break Gram. ‐♪ These boots are made for walkin' ♪
‐Oh, that's my jam! ‐♪ That's just what they'll do ♪
♪ One of these days these boots are gonna ♪
♪ Walk all over you ♪
♪ Are you ready, boots? ♪
♪ ♪
(song skipping): ♪ You keep saying‐‐ you keep saying ♪
♪ You got something‐‐ ♪
♪ Boots are gonna walk all over you ♪
(skipping): ♪ Boots are gonna walk all over ♪
♪ Are you ready, boots? Start walking ♪
♪ You keep saying you got something for me ♪
♪ You keep saying ♪
♪ You got something for me ♪
‐(skipping): ♪ Boots are gonna‐‐ boots are gonna ♪ ‐(Jenny screams)
‐(Jenny and Violet groaning) ‐(song distorting)
‐(Betty laughing) ‐♪ Boots are gonna... ♪
‐(distorted laughing) ‐(song speeding up)
(slowed down): ♪ Walk all over you. ♪
‐(coyote howling) ‐(song continues playing)
VIOLET: It's going to work.
‐It is going to work! ‐♪ You keep saying... ♪
She's gonna break
and tell us how old she is.
But not on Mother.
Don't think it worked at Waco either. Didn't they blow up?
♪ But confess ♪
‐♪ You've been messing... ♪ ‐Oh, forget it.
It's only driving us crazy.
‐(music stops) ‐(groans)
Let's not be so sure.
Hey, Gram, how old are you?
All right. It's finally time to tell you...
...that if you ask again,
I will throw you out of this moving vehicle.
♪ ♪
‐DISPATCHER: 911. ‐I don't have much time.
There's an evil RV headed for the Outer Banks.
Dark Silver Alert. Not Amber.
‐Are you saying Amber Alert? ‐That didn't come out right.
Look, Wayne Edwards has an RV full of meth.
He's taking his family
to sleep with the fishes.
Actually, I'm not sure why I said it that way.
That sounds suspicious.
This is a ticking time bomb.
Oh, that's bad, too.
Oh, kill me!
♪ ♪
Okay, that'll be $28.50.
Aren't you forgetting something?
I don't think so.
Oh, so anybody can just walk in here
and buy spirits without showing ID?
You should be ashamed of yourself.
(groans) Okay, Miss. Let's see some ID.
Hope we don't have to call your parents.
Cha‐boogity boogity!
Ha‐ha! Got you, you sneaky...
♪ ♪
Oh, come on.
All right, you... whoever you are.
Do you want to tell me how you ended up
‐with the driver's license of a dead woman? ‐No.
You're gonna love this, B.
My sister's a mail carrier in Winston,
and she goes with a cop who's burnt out and on drugs,
and he got a driver's license off a murder victim.
I like where this is going.
I haven't even told you the best part.
The victim is 38 years old.
‐And her name? ‐(gasps)
NORMA: Betty Hart.
A legit driver's license from a younger dead me?
Thank you, Lord,
for delivering me a murdered woman with my name.
So you're just gonna sit there and say nothing.
What is there to say?
It's my rightful ID.
Now why don't you ask my daughter and granddaughter
why they would lure me out on the road
with the promise of a family birthday celebration,
only to reveal that it was all a dumb game?
I'll ask the questions here.
‐Why don't you tell me about the black bag? ‐Oh, that.
Well, after the fiasco with my real ID,
I was understandably peeved.
You bunch of butts.
Y'all had me believing
you wanted to do something nice for my birthday.
I would love to do something nice if it could be normal,
like a normal mom having a normal birthday.
Everything's about you,
and yet no one's even allowed to know your damn age.
Where's your real driver's license?
Oh, you mean this?
You'll never get it!
(snake hissing)
(all screaming)
Giant snake. Giant snake!
‐(hissing) ‐Oh, my God. Get it out of here.
Show no mercy!
I'm getting that driver's license!
‐VIOLET: Mom, forget about the damn driver's license. ‐You'll never get it!
Why is this argument about a driver's license
and not about a snake?
Just point me towards the snake.
Here, snake! Eat this!
WAYNE: Die, you son of a bitch!
You little bastard, take it.
Yeah, take it.
Yeah, I killed you!
Killed you dead!
Okay, now let's open up that snake and get that ID.
No! Just get in the RV so we can get to the stupid ocean!
♪ ♪
There.
This is what I wanted to show y'all.
Can you at least put aside your petty scheming and fighting
long enough to appreciate something bigger than us?
‐I'm 53. ‐What?
Since y'all were so hell‐bent on getting the number, I'm 53.
Ya happy?
Just 53?
Oh. We just thought it was a bigger birthday.
53 is how old my mother was when she passed.
So, yeah, it's a big one.
That's why I didn't want to celebrate this year.
And if you cared about me at all,
you'd let me be whatever age I want.
(helicopter whirring)
‐WAYNE: Whoa. ‐JENNY: What?
(sirens wailing)
♪ ♪
(laughs) I got 'em! Look at this.
We have an RV that has been used in several drug‐related crimes.
We have the inhabitants of that RV
attempting to purchase 40 pounds of pseudoephedrine.
We have a dead woman in Winston‐Salem.
We have a drugged‐out old lunatic holding her ID.
And we have footage of these animals
disposing of another body, which we're gonna find
any minute now, once we track down that landfill.
We got 'em! Hook, line and sphincter.
Detective, we tracked down that bag.
‐It is a snake. A huge one. ‐Wh‐what?
And they found this in it.
"Betty Hart. Greenpoint, North Carolina. Age 53."
I think I know what happened here.
Ms. Hart, this is obviously your driver's license.
My guess is you bought the other one on the black market.
Which is still a crime, but easy to understand.
So if you'll just confess to that,
you and your family can be on your way.
I never seen that thing before in my life.
(Voccola growls)
Just let her go.
No! I need to hear someone say it.
I just need you to tell me.
How old is Betty Hart?
(sighs) 38. My mother is 38.
(sighs) Jenny, I can see that you're‐‐ What?
In your 20s? Maybe 30?
My God. Thank you.
So you're telling me that your mom had you
when she was, at maximum... (chuckles) ...eight years old?
Yes, that's right. She's 38.
Yup, she's 38.
She is 38.
What is wrong with you people?!
‐You really want to kick that can, don't you? ‐No.
Ah!
Why is it that no one in your family
will tell me the truth?
‐(gasps) No one? ‐Yes.
Not even that little troublemaker Violet,
who I should've fed to that snake?
Your entire family swears you're 38.
Your entire family.
They do? How sweet of 'em...
...to recognize my legal age.
If you're lying about this,
how do I know you're not lying about all of it?
Who's to say?
Maybe I make my meth with my family
in a rolling boom boom bus.
And I love them more than anything.
Except meth.
‐Uh... ‐Use your good eye, dummy.
They've got her back.
Like a crime syndicate?
How 'bout like a family?
TRAVIS: You got to let 'em go!
(out of breath): D‐Dark silver. Uh, wrong aura.
Tracked you guys through the police scanner.
Uh, this is all my fault.
I had the RV first.
So it's your RV?
Uh... nope.
Thanks for saving us, Trav.
Thanks for sticking around for my interrogation.
That one guy's a real hothead.
Their trash can budget must be insane.
("The Moonbeam Song" by Harry Nilsson playing)
♪ Have you ever watched a moonbeam ♪
♪ As it slid across your windowpane ♪
♪ Or struggled with a bit of rain ♪
♪ Or danced about the weather vane ♪
♪ Or sat along a moving train ♪
♪ And wondered where the train has been ♪
♪ Ah... ♪
♪ ♪
‐(meows) ‐(horn honks musically)
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