1
00:00:02,152 --> 00:00:04,420
-(rock music playing)
-(imitating electric guitar)
2
00:00:05,822 --> 00:00:07,581
You call that a guitar face?
3
00:00:07,583 --> 00:00:09,008
This is a guitar face.
4
00:00:09,010 --> 00:00:11,301
(imitates electric guitar)
5
00:00:12,921 --> 00:00:14,238
Look at my mouth, see?
Look at my lips.
6
00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:17,182
Jenny! Jenny!
Travis is in town!
7
00:00:17,184 --> 00:00:19,667
Oh, my Lord,
that wandering smokeshow?
8
00:00:19,669 --> 00:00:20,911
Who the heck is Travis?
9
00:00:20,913 --> 00:00:22,262
Wayne's best friend growing up.
10
00:00:22,264 --> 00:00:25,249
He and Wayne have a lot of fun,
maybe too much fun.
11
00:00:25,251 --> 00:00:27,008
Yeah, he's all about
the moment, and...
12
00:00:27,010 --> 00:00:28,193
and positivity,
13
00:00:28,195 --> 00:00:30,178
and-and he doesn't let
negativity in.
14
00:00:30,180 --> 00:00:32,531
That's the thing. And that's why
he doesn't have any problems.
15
00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:34,199
I'm sorry.
Why is this the first time
16
00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:36,109
I'm hearing about
this magical Fonzie?
17
00:00:36,111 --> 00:00:37,703
Where has he been
all of my life?
18
00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:39,096
Where hasn't he been?
19
00:00:39,098 --> 00:00:41,064
Flying guided helicopter tours
20
00:00:41,066 --> 00:00:42,875
into Hawaiian volcanos...
21
00:00:42,877 --> 00:00:45,026
doing flash mobs
in the Maldives...
22
00:00:45,028 --> 00:00:46,545
conquering Hollywood.
23
00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:48,530
(chuckles)
He's not doing any of that.
24
00:00:48,532 --> 00:00:51,942
Oh, so he's just a screwup
who bounces from thing to thing?
25
00:00:51,944 --> 00:00:54,127
Um, would you call a guy
26
00:00:54,129 --> 00:00:55,870
who was on a Hollywood
reality matchmaking show
27
00:00:55,872 --> 00:00:58,540
where Courtney Love chooses
from 30 eligible bachelors
28
00:00:58,542 --> 00:01:00,142
"a screwup"?
29
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:03,970
-(motorcycle revving)
-TRAVIS: Bromeo!
30
00:01:03,972 --> 00:01:05,806
Wherefore art thou, Bromeo?
31
00:01:05,808 --> 00:01:09,026
♪
32
00:01:12,889 --> 00:01:15,407
-You! You! You're the man.
-No, man. It's you, man!
All you!
33
00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:17,301
-VIOLET: So much punching.
-No, you. You are the man.
34
00:01:17,303 --> 00:01:20,395
VIOLET: Do they love each other
or hate each other?
35
00:01:20,397 --> 00:01:22,372
♪
36
00:01:49,944 --> 00:01:51,852
-TRAVIS: This guy!
-WAYNE: This guy!
37
00:01:51,854 --> 00:01:53,520
-This guy!
-This guy!
38
00:01:53,522 --> 00:01:55,355
BOTH:
This guy!
39
00:01:55,357 --> 00:01:58,175
Okay, that's a solid half hour
of "this guys."
40
00:01:58,177 --> 00:02:00,768
Should we move
into the telling of old stories?
41
00:02:00,770 --> 00:02:02,195
Ooh, I got one.
42
00:02:02,197 --> 00:02:04,848
I was taking
a final exam, when suddenly...
43
00:02:04,850 --> 00:02:05,773
♪
44
00:02:05,775 --> 00:02:06,867
(tires screech)
45
00:02:06,869 --> 00:02:07,960
Scuse me.
46
00:02:07,962 --> 00:02:09,628
I have a note from the office.
47
00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:10,871
Wayne Edwards.
48
00:02:10,873 --> 00:02:12,548
Your Uncle Penis is
in the hospital.
49
00:02:14,284 --> 00:02:15,950
(cheering, whooping)
50
00:02:15,952 --> 00:02:17,377
That was a great day.
51
00:02:17,379 --> 00:02:19,805
I mean, crappy summer
'cause I had to retake Spanish,
52
00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:21,789
but great... day.
53
00:02:21,791 --> 00:02:23,124
Travis does what he wants,
54
00:02:23,126 --> 00:02:24,459
Wayne gets caught up
in the excitement,
55
00:02:24,461 --> 00:02:26,127
and then immediately gets
punished for it.
56
00:02:26,129 --> 00:02:27,888
Oh, remember that one time
we went on
57
00:02:27,890 --> 00:02:30,891
that freakin' amazing
spontaneous trip down the coast?
58
00:02:30,893 --> 00:02:33,318
Oh, yeah,
that trip was not amazing.
59
00:02:34,380 --> 00:02:35,487
Jenny! This is goodbye.
60
00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:37,230
-What?
-Travis made out with a girl
61
00:02:37,232 --> 00:02:39,065
whose boyfriend
is an MMA fighter.
62
00:02:39,067 --> 00:02:40,717
He's in grave danger.
63
00:02:40,719 --> 00:02:41,885
I gotta help him bug out!
64
00:02:41,887 --> 00:02:42,995
I'm sorry, Jenny!
65
00:02:42,997 --> 00:02:44,721
But you know
I make instantaneous,
66
00:02:44,723 --> 00:02:46,540
undeniable bonds with women.
67
00:02:50,171 --> 00:02:53,154
We gotta pull over
and cover our tracks!
68
00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:57,009
-(both gasp)
-MAN: Over here, y'all!
Kill that guy!
69
00:02:57,011 --> 00:02:58,993
WAYNE:
Oh, crap. He brought friends.
70
00:02:58,995 --> 00:03:01,680
MAN 2:
Where the hell did they go?
71
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:02,848
MAN:
Damned if I know.
72
00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:04,533
But I gotta take a wizard.
73
00:03:04,535 --> 00:03:05,517
(zippers open)
74
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:06,743
Oh, that's right.
75
00:03:06,745 --> 00:03:08,353
We did get peed on that night,
76
00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:10,338
but we also saw a pirate ship.
77
00:03:10,340 --> 00:03:12,507
Most people just talk
about stuff,
78
00:03:12,509 --> 00:03:14,693
but Travis goes out
and does it.
79
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,344
Except one thing.
80
00:03:16,346 --> 00:03:18,271
BOTH:
Machu Picchu.
81
00:03:18,273 --> 00:03:21,241
♪
82
00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:28,114
We were gonna open up a bar
on one of those mossy pyramids.
83
00:03:28,116 --> 00:03:29,857
And call it
"The Drincan Temple."
84
00:03:29,859 --> 00:03:31,192
Spelled like "Incan."
85
00:03:31,194 --> 00:03:34,028
We literally put
the Incan in drinkin'.
86
00:03:34,030 --> 00:03:36,531
A bar on a sacred temple?
Great idea.
87
00:03:36,533 --> 00:03:39,051
Maybe next you can open
a zip line at Ground Zero.
88
00:03:39,053 --> 00:03:41,111
We gotta go out
and celebrate, man.
89
00:03:41,113 --> 00:03:42,387
Oh, that sounds nice,
90
00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:44,223
but Wayne was just
about to help me figure out
91
00:03:44,225 --> 00:03:46,225
why my car horn honks to
the beat of my turn signal. Aw.
92
00:03:46,227 --> 00:03:48,727
Yeah. Plus,
I gotta work tomorrow.
93
00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:50,896
Hey, I didn't ask this.
94
00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:53,565
I asked this.
95
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,383
(heavenly music plays)
96
00:03:55,385 --> 00:03:57,719
You're right. Let's do it!
97
00:03:57,721 --> 00:03:59,646
-Wayne...
-Oh, come on, Jenny.
98
00:03:59,648 --> 00:04:00,888
It's been so long.
99
00:04:00,890 --> 00:04:02,299
I need some guy time.
100
00:04:02,301 --> 00:04:04,892
Okay. I'm not gonna be
that girlfriend.
101
00:04:04,894 --> 00:04:06,912
Go have your super manly
guy time.
102
00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:08,896
Travis, you can crash
on the sleeper sofa
103
00:04:08,898 --> 00:04:10,323
at my place if you want.
104
00:04:10,325 --> 00:04:12,158
They don't call him
"The Pull Out King" for nothing.
105
00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:14,160
-Ugh.
-Don't worry about that, man.
106
00:04:14,162 --> 00:04:16,070
I got a real sweet crash pad.
107
00:04:16,072 --> 00:04:18,340
Well, then, let's hit it!
108
00:04:19,909 --> 00:04:23,487
(rock music playing faintly)
109
00:04:23,489 --> 00:04:24,596
(spits, exclaims)
110
00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:26,298
Aw, this drink sucks.
111
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:29,993
We would never let a drink
like this cross our bar.
112
00:04:29,995 --> 00:04:32,312
No, sir, not at
the Drincan Temple.
113
00:04:33,089 --> 00:04:35,181
Listen up, party patrons.
114
00:04:35,183 --> 00:04:37,167
My buddy Wayne can make a drink
115
00:04:37,169 --> 00:04:38,760
that'll knock your socks off!
116
00:04:38,762 --> 00:04:40,762
-I can?
-Of course you can.
117
00:04:40,764 --> 00:04:41,947
I believe in you.
118
00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:43,765
(chanting):
Wayne. Wayne!
119
00:04:43,767 --> 00:04:45,859
Wayne! Wayne! Wayne!
120
00:04:45,861 --> 00:04:47,511
ALL:
Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! Wayne!
121
00:04:47,513 --> 00:04:50,372
Wayne! Wayne! Wayne!
Wayne! Wayne! Wayne!
122
00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:54,126
-(tires screech)
-(Betty and Jenny gasp)
123
00:04:54,128 --> 00:04:57,945
Steering wheel's fighting me
like a 20-pound bass.
124
00:04:57,947 --> 00:04:59,298
Or is it fighting you
125
00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:01,374
like the spirit of a man
you ran over in the '80s?
126
00:05:01,376 --> 00:05:03,451
Whatever your name is, sir,
127
00:05:03,453 --> 00:05:05,195
we have no quarrel with you.
128
00:05:05,197 --> 00:05:07,288
This car is not haunted, Vi.
129
00:05:07,290 --> 00:05:09,641
It's just a very old car
that's got its quirks.
130
00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:10,958
(loud bang)
131
00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:12,794
(gasps) It's the Dark Lord!
132
00:05:12,796 --> 00:05:14,128
That's not devil smoke!
133
00:05:14,130 --> 00:05:16,648
It's just regular,
non-devil smoke.
134
00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,966
It's time to call... (screams)
135
00:05:18,968 --> 00:05:21,711
Mother, it's AAA. Not "Aaah!"
136
00:05:21,713 --> 00:05:23,155
(all screaming)
137
00:05:23,157 --> 00:05:26,641
-Ah! Trav! I'm doing it!
-(cheering)
138
00:05:26,643 --> 00:05:29,119
Wanye-tini up!
139
00:05:30,055 --> 00:05:31,663
This is delish.
140
00:05:32,741 --> 00:05:35,149
This is it, bro.
This is the dream.
141
00:05:35,151 --> 00:05:37,394
Hey, let's wake up
in a dream every day.
142
00:05:37,396 --> 00:05:40,672
What? We don't know anything
about opening a bar.
143
00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,899
Hey, can I buy
your beer for ten bucks?
144
00:05:42,901 --> 00:05:43,991
Uh, sure. Why not?
145
00:05:43,993 --> 00:05:45,919
And you just sold me a beer.
146
00:05:45,921 --> 00:05:47,995
That's all you need to know
to open a bar.
147
00:05:47,997 --> 00:05:49,497
(chanting):
Wayne! Wayne!
148
00:05:49,499 --> 00:05:53,243
ALL: Wayne! Wayne! Wayne!
Wayne! Wayne! Wayne!
149
00:05:53,245 --> 00:05:56,079
Wayne! Wayne! Wayne!
Wayne! Wayne!
150
00:05:56,932 --> 00:05:59,099
We lived our whole life
in this car.
151
00:05:59,101 --> 00:06:01,751
Yeah, but it was almost
completely on fire.
152
00:06:01,753 --> 00:06:02,844
We gotta let her go.
153
00:06:02,846 --> 00:06:04,345
Should we tell her?
154
00:06:04,347 --> 00:06:06,514
I do believe it's time.
155
00:06:06,516 --> 00:06:07,366
What?
156
00:06:07,368 --> 00:06:08,700
Vi, this was your Gram's car
157
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,852
when she was tearing up
the streets in the '80s.
158
00:06:10,854 --> 00:06:13,947
(singing along to radio):
♪ Down the basement ♪
159
00:06:13,949 --> 00:06:16,558
♪ Lock the cellar door ♪
160
00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:18,359
♪ And baby ♪
161
00:06:18,361 --> 00:06:21,028
♪ Talk dirty to me! ♪
162
00:06:21,030 --> 00:06:22,439
BETTY:
And it was your mom's ride
163
00:06:22,441 --> 00:06:25,550
when she tore up the streets
a decade later.
164
00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:27,961
(singing along):
♪ Closing time ♪
165
00:06:27,963 --> 00:06:30,296
♪ One last call for alcohol ♪
166
00:06:30,298 --> 00:06:34,134
♪ So finish your whiskey
or beer... ♪
167
00:06:34,136 --> 00:06:35,560
(whoops)
168
00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:37,211
JENNY:
And, Vi, this car has
touched your life
169
00:06:37,213 --> 00:06:38,805
in ways you don't even know.
170
00:06:38,807 --> 00:06:40,732
Mother!
Do not stop for a Quiznos!
171
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,567
This baby is coming!
172
00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:45,052
You got this cute little
divot in your head
173
00:06:45,054 --> 00:06:46,738
'cause you shot out
into the parking brake.
174
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:50,725
I was born... in a CRX.
175
00:06:50,727 --> 00:06:52,393
It's settled. Too many memories!
176
00:06:52,395 --> 00:06:54,663
We're saving this memory hoopty.
177
00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:58,158
JENNY:
Well, good morning, sleepyhead.
178
00:06:58,160 --> 00:06:59,584
Did you have a fun man night?
179
00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:01,661
Any fights, jail time,
did you get peed on?
180
00:07:01,663 --> 00:07:03,830
Uh, nothing. Probably.
181
00:07:03,832 --> 00:07:05,815
Mm. Don't remember a ton.
182
00:07:05,817 --> 00:07:07,909
But probably
not hardly anything.
183
00:07:07,911 --> 00:07:09,928
What in the hell happened here?
184
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,763
Oh, nothing.
Probably hardly not anything.
185
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,414
(sparks crackle)
186
00:07:13,416 --> 00:07:16,601
The "Aaah" guy said
all it needs is a new engine,
187
00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:19,663
new transmission--
oh, and brakes and tires.
188
00:07:19,665 --> 00:07:20,939
And a taillight.
189
00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:23,424
And a new interior/exterior.
190
00:07:23,426 --> 00:07:24,943
But otherwise, she's cherry.
191
00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:27,337
Y'all, no. No way.
192
00:07:27,339 --> 00:07:29,005
I'm done fixing that death trap.
193
00:07:29,007 --> 00:07:31,265
I got way more
important things to do.
194
00:07:31,267 --> 00:07:32,951
Oh, no.
What kind of dumb bullcrap
195
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:34,769
did Travis talk you
into last night?
196
00:07:34,771 --> 00:07:37,847
Jenny, your tone is like...
(grunts) Whatever.
197
00:07:37,849 --> 00:07:40,792
And as a matter of fact,
I am opening a bar with Travis.
198
00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:42,535
The Drinkin' Ruins thing?
199
00:07:42,537 --> 00:07:43,962
The Drincan Temple.
200
00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:45,464
Come on, Wayne.
201
00:07:45,466 --> 00:07:47,357
I've had the idea for a
Led Zeppelin-themed coffee shop
202
00:07:47,359 --> 00:07:49,192
called "Whole Latte Love"
for years.
203
00:07:49,194 --> 00:07:51,136
But a catchy name
is not a business plan.
204
00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:52,954
You can't let Travis
talk you into
205
00:07:52,956 --> 00:07:54,806
another one
of his reckless ideas.
206
00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,475
-(groans)
-Wayne...
207
00:07:56,477 --> 00:07:58,310
No... no...
208
00:07:58,312 --> 00:08:01,313
No, no, n-no, don't you press
that button, Wayne...
209
00:08:01,315 --> 00:08:02,555
-(line ringing)
-Bad!
210
00:08:02,557 --> 00:08:03,631
Hello, Mr. Bigsby.
211
00:08:03,633 --> 00:08:06,209
Yeah, this is
your former employee,
212
00:08:06,211 --> 00:08:10,046
soon to be famous bar owner,
Wayne Edwards.
213
00:08:10,048 --> 00:08:12,157
-I... quit.
-(all gasp)
214
00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:19,055
Wayne, you did not
just quit your job.
215
00:08:19,057 --> 00:08:20,832
What are you gonna do for money?
216
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,892
Open your earholes.
217
00:08:22,894 --> 00:08:25,562
Me and Travis are opening a bar.
218
00:08:25,564 --> 00:08:27,564
Bars are gold mines.
219
00:08:27,566 --> 00:08:31,384
Right. Is that why there's a
reality show called Bar Rescue?
220
00:08:32,904 --> 00:08:35,588
Travis, I present to you:
221
00:08:35,590 --> 00:08:37,590
The Drincan Temple.
222
00:08:37,592 --> 00:08:38,850
The future number-one
223
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:41,002
Peruvian-themed nightclub
in Greenpoint.
224
00:08:41,004 --> 00:08:42,687
This is a sacred spot.
225
00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:44,914
Its energy is acutely positive,
226
00:08:44,916 --> 00:08:47,100
probably because of its history.
227
00:08:47,102 --> 00:08:48,342
Yep, it was a sex shop.
228
00:08:48,344 --> 00:08:50,695
But I just could not compete
with online.
229
00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:52,922
You know, all across America,
230
00:08:52,924 --> 00:08:55,942
your brick-and-mortar dilda
shops are taking a real beating.
231
00:08:55,944 --> 00:08:59,262
Eat a double-headed
pleasure snake, Jeff Bozos.
232
00:08:59,264 --> 00:09:01,873
Oh, that--
that was inspiring, Bud.
233
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:04,417
Thanks for that.
Uh, where do I sign?
234
00:09:05,604 --> 00:09:08,438
Whoa, Wayne.
That's a lot of money.
235
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:10,957
Hey, man.
Is that what you think in here?
236
00:09:10,959 --> 00:09:12,942
Or in here?
237
00:09:12,944 --> 00:09:14,127
Besides, I got this.
238
00:09:14,129 --> 00:09:16,221
No one really needs
health insurance anyway.
239
00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:18,448
Nice doing business with y'all.
240
00:09:18,450 --> 00:09:20,892
Hey, you want me to clear out
these inflatables?
241
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,969
Ah, you know what?
They're on the hizzy.
242
00:09:22,971 --> 00:09:24,896
Use 'em for pool floats.
(laughs)
243
00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:26,956
(coughing) Oh, God.
244
00:09:26,958 --> 00:09:28,641
(music playing over phone)
245
00:09:28,643 --> 00:09:30,902
Hey, Carl Nowacek here,
246
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,478
aka Little Carl.
247
00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:34,055
Welcome to today's video:
248
00:09:34,057 --> 00:09:36,816
"How to Fix an '87 CRX
with Fire Damage."
249
00:09:36,818 --> 00:09:40,745
Okay, so, uh, make sure
the battery's grounded.
250
00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:42,747
Hey! What did I tell you?
251
00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:45,141
Don't play with my tools.
252
00:09:45,143 --> 00:09:47,310
Kathy! Come get your kids!
253
00:09:47,312 --> 00:09:49,996
My wife,
she doesn't watch our kids.
254
00:09:49,998 --> 00:09:51,831
Hey, Carl? What is this?
255
00:09:51,833 --> 00:09:53,425
Does this go in the engine?
256
00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:55,910
It's a video.
He's not actually talking to us.
257
00:09:55,912 --> 00:09:57,429
You don't actually talk
to the TV
258
00:09:57,431 --> 00:09:59,172
and expect the actors to reply,
do you, Mother?
259
00:09:59,174 --> 00:10:01,099
-Uh, a hundred percent yes.
-Oh, what am I saying?
260
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:02,416
-You do that all the time.
-She absolutely does.
261
00:10:02,418 --> 00:10:05,161
Kathy! Get these dang kids!
262
00:10:05,163 --> 00:10:06,938
Okay. Now let's get to work.
263
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:09,666
♪ Now get to work ♪
264
00:10:09,668 --> 00:10:11,943
♪
265
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,945
-(horn honks)
-Ah!
266
00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:16,406
♪ Ah, oh, now get to work ♪
267
00:10:20,362 --> 00:10:21,861
♪ Ah, oh ♪
268
00:10:21,863 --> 00:10:23,622
♪ Bring it on ♪
269
00:10:23,624 --> 00:10:25,682
♪ Ring the alarm ♪
270
00:10:25,684 --> 00:10:27,700
-♪ Don't stop now ♪
-(screams)
271
00:10:27,702 --> 00:10:28,960
♪ Just be the champion ♪
272
00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:30,778
♪ Work it hard ♪
273
00:10:30,780 --> 00:10:32,631
♪ Like it's your profession ♪
274
00:10:32,633 --> 00:10:34,858
♪ Watch out now ♪
275
00:10:34,860 --> 00:10:37,360
♪ 'Cause here it comes ♪
276
00:10:37,362 --> 00:10:39,863
-♪ Here comes the master ♪
-Ah! Ah! Ah!
277
00:10:39,865 --> 00:10:41,139
♪ Here comes the big beat ♪
278
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:43,049
-(screams)
-♪ Big beat disaster. ♪
279
00:10:43,051 --> 00:10:45,702
JENNY:
We are so close
to fixing this car.
280
00:10:45,704 --> 00:10:47,036
Suck on that, Wayne.
281
00:10:47,038 --> 00:10:48,204
Yep, so many more
wonderful memories
282
00:10:48,206 --> 00:10:50,607
to be made in this vehicle.
283
00:10:51,893 --> 00:10:54,986
Oh, Violet! Can't believe
you got into NYU.
284
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:57,046
Thanks for driving, Mom.
285
00:10:57,048 --> 00:10:59,716
Well, I got to go embark
on my adult life.
286
00:10:59,718 --> 00:11:01,308
Wait. I have a surprise for you.
287
00:11:01,310 --> 00:11:03,887
I convinced them
to let us be roomies.
288
00:11:03,889 --> 00:11:06,114
We're doing New York, roomie!
289
00:11:06,116 --> 00:11:07,999
That is the best news ever!
290
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:10,727
Now I can always be
your little girl.
291
00:11:10,729 --> 00:11:12,061
Yay, Mommy!
292
00:11:12,063 --> 00:11:15,173
Yup, ever since your Gram
passed, it's been hard.
293
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:17,158
But at least we have each other.
294
00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:20,161
You're taking me to college
and then never leaving?
295
00:11:20,163 --> 00:11:22,163
And I'm dead in your fantasy?
296
00:11:22,165 --> 00:11:24,849
The fantasy's way more emotional
if you're dead.
297
00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:26,576
Mom, you can drive me
to college,
298
00:11:26,578 --> 00:11:30,914
but then you're leaving the car
because I've got other plans.
299
00:11:30,916 --> 00:11:33,099
Thank you for coming to my show.
300
00:11:33,101 --> 00:11:37,011
I've worked very hard on
this extremely personal piece.
301
00:11:37,013 --> 00:11:39,923
I now present to you...
302
00:11:39,925 --> 00:11:41,515
-Born in a Car.
-(gasping, applause)
303
00:11:41,517 --> 00:11:44,852
I dedicate this to the memory
of my grandmother Betty Hart,
304
00:11:44,854 --> 00:11:46,930
who died suddenly last night.
305
00:11:46,932 --> 00:11:49,523
Great, so I'm dead again?
306
00:11:49,525 --> 00:11:51,284
We're not invited
to your art show?
307
00:11:51,286 --> 00:11:54,028
And as always, my work is
flying right over your heads.
308
00:11:54,030 --> 00:11:55,605
I think it's time
for both of you
309
00:11:55,607 --> 00:11:58,866
to hear what a proper
fant-nasty sounds like.
310
00:11:58,868 --> 00:12:00,610
-Fant-nasty?
-No, no, no, please don't.
311
00:12:00,612 --> 00:12:01,778
JENNY:
Unsubscribe.
312
00:12:01,780 --> 00:12:04,280
♪
313
00:12:04,282 --> 00:12:06,132
That's that. Took care of her,
314
00:12:06,134 --> 00:12:09,227
so you are free
to marry me, Dr. Senator.
315
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:11,229
Now, why don't you
make love to me
316
00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:14,048
on the hood of my car
while it's still warm.
317
00:12:14,050 --> 00:12:18,795
It would be my great honor to
service you sexually, Ms. Hart.
318
00:12:18,797 --> 00:12:23,116
Oh, and by the way,
both Jenny and Violet are dead.
319
00:12:23,893 --> 00:12:25,660
How does it feel?
320
00:12:27,396 --> 00:12:30,231
Wayne, bro, congratulate me.
321
00:12:30,233 --> 00:12:33,309
I'm getting married... tonight!
322
00:12:33,311 --> 00:12:35,495
-You're getting married?
-I met her last night.
323
00:12:35,497 --> 00:12:36,646
I think you know her.
324
00:12:36,648 --> 00:12:38,923
She's a dancer at Bud's
named Emoji.
325
00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:41,334
Wow. Okay. Uh, great.
326
00:12:41,336 --> 00:12:43,987
And guess where
we're gonna live? Peru.
327
00:12:43,989 --> 00:12:45,655
-Peru?
-Yeah, Peru, North Carolina.
328
00:12:45,657 --> 00:12:49,325
Plus, we're moving in
with Emoji's adult son.
329
00:12:49,327 --> 00:12:51,102
-Wait. What about our bar?
-What bar?
330
00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:53,496
Um, the bar we're standing in?
331
00:12:53,498 --> 00:12:55,440
Oh, right. Well, I'll still
help out on the weekends.
332
00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:57,016
And I'll tell you what.
333
00:12:57,018 --> 00:12:59,611
Why don't we have the wedding
right here on our opening night?
334
00:12:59,613 --> 00:13:02,596
It'll be the perfect send-off
for me and Emoji.
335
00:13:02,598 --> 00:13:04,616
Send-off?
336
00:13:05,844 --> 00:13:07,844
Ugh!
337
00:13:07,846 --> 00:13:09,195
Mother, can you hand me
a wrench?
338
00:13:09,197 --> 00:13:11,956
I wish I could,
but I am dead, so no.
339
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:15,034
My dead-ass vapor hands
cannot pick up a wrench.
340
00:13:15,036 --> 00:13:17,111
Gram, it was heightened reality.
341
00:13:17,113 --> 00:13:18,946
-You know what? I'm over this.
-(truck approaching)
342
00:13:18,948 --> 00:13:20,706
Wait. Y'all can't give up now.
343
00:13:20,708 --> 00:13:22,542
We're so close. Ugh.
344
00:13:22,544 --> 00:13:26,045
-(sighs)
-Jenny, grab a playful sundress.
345
00:13:26,047 --> 00:13:27,697
Travis is getting married.
346
00:13:27,699 --> 00:13:29,123
What? Oh, of course he is.
347
00:13:29,125 --> 00:13:31,125
How long has he known her,
four hours?
348
00:13:31,127 --> 00:13:34,795
Uh, four-teen hours,
so, way off.
349
00:13:34,797 --> 00:13:37,982
Oh, no, you're not still
playing mechanic, are you?
350
00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:39,800
(gasps)
What?! Okay.
351
00:13:39,802 --> 00:13:43,379
Well, are you still playing
"I'm building a dumb bar"?
352
00:13:43,381 --> 00:13:46,232
Look who's talking.
Ugh! So mad at you,
353
00:13:46,234 --> 00:13:48,551
but you all sweaty
is also really hot.
354
00:13:48,553 --> 00:13:51,387
Well, you all mad and
dressed up is pretty hot, too.
355
00:13:51,389 --> 00:13:53,314
All right. Are you coming
to Travis's last-minute wedding
356
00:13:53,316 --> 00:13:55,482
or not,
you greasy little hottie?
357
00:13:55,484 --> 00:13:59,912
I don't have time to get cleaned
up, you friggin' smokeshow.
358
00:13:59,914 --> 00:14:02,156
Fine. You can come dirty
because that's hot.
359
00:14:02,158 --> 00:14:04,158
Well, if I do manage
to fix this car,
360
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:07,011
I might just take you
to the backseat, mister.
361
00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:08,346
Well, now I'm conflicted
362
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,406
because I would love
to old-school get down
363
00:14:10,408 --> 00:14:12,758
in the back of a car with you,
but conversely,
364
00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:14,260
I don't want you to succeed
365
00:14:14,262 --> 00:14:17,021
in fixing this murder-mobile,
you smoking hottie!
366
00:14:17,023 --> 00:14:19,098
Can you guys stop yelling
rage-horny things
367
00:14:19,100 --> 00:14:21,276
at each other
on our front lawn?!
368
00:14:22,696 --> 00:14:24,937
♪
369
00:14:24,939 --> 00:14:26,680
You know what, Pierce Bro-snan?
370
00:14:26,682 --> 00:14:28,366
What, Timothée Bro-lomet?
371
00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:31,703
Having your wedding on opening
night was a brilliant idea.
372
00:14:31,705 --> 00:14:33,204
Oh, man, this place is packed.
373
00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:34,989
We're gonna make
so much bank tonight.
374
00:14:34,991 --> 00:14:38,618
We got this. Oh, by the way, I
told everybody drinks are free.
375
00:14:38,620 --> 00:14:39,936
Wait. What?
376
00:14:39,938 --> 00:14:41,212
Love is a beautiful thing.
377
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:43,214
I've been lucky enough
to witness Emoji
378
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:46,367
find true wedded love
no less than eight times.
379
00:14:46,369 --> 00:14:47,627
(quietly):
Eight times?
380
00:14:47,629 --> 00:14:49,128
Oh, and before
we get to the vows,
381
00:14:49,130 --> 00:14:52,206
I would like to dedicate
a ceremonial poi dance
382
00:14:52,208 --> 00:14:54,726
to the love of my past 48 hours
383
00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:56,561
-and the rest of my life.
-(gasps)
384
00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:59,397
♪
385
00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:01,316
(crowd gasping)
386
00:15:04,479 --> 00:15:05,478
(grunts)
387
00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:06,887
Oh, my God, Dawn.
388
00:15:06,889 --> 00:15:10,650
Are you wearing a wedding dress
on my wedding day?
389
00:15:10,652 --> 00:15:12,135
Well, one of us has to.
390
00:15:12,137 --> 00:15:14,153
I don't know what you call that.
391
00:15:14,155 --> 00:15:16,989
-(Dawn grunts)
-(laughs)
392
00:15:16,991 --> 00:15:19,233
-(screaming)
-The statue. Trav!
393
00:15:19,235 --> 00:15:21,811
-(grunting)
-(glass shatters)
394
00:15:21,813 --> 00:15:22,754
(dog growling)
395
00:15:22,756 --> 00:15:25,757
(indistinct shouting)
396
00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:26,907
(yells)
397
00:15:26,909 --> 00:15:28,317
(shrieks)
398
00:15:28,319 --> 00:15:30,094
We're getting beat up,
but I can't hit back
399
00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:31,671
because it's all girls.
400
00:15:31,673 --> 00:15:33,080
I know, man.
401
00:15:33,082 --> 00:15:34,098
This is an unwinnable fight.
402
00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:36,659
-(growling)
-Punch the dog!
403
00:15:36,661 --> 00:15:37,994
No, she's a girl, too.
404
00:15:37,996 --> 00:15:40,104
(statue creaks, crashes)
405
00:15:44,927 --> 00:15:48,279
Wayne, bro, I am so sorry.
406
00:15:48,949 --> 00:15:51,007
Wayne, I said I'm sorry.
407
00:15:51,009 --> 00:15:53,025
I heard you.
I just was trying to figure out
408
00:15:53,027 --> 00:15:54,844
if you're apologizing for this
409
00:15:54,846 --> 00:15:57,455
or-or for a whole lifetime
of leaving me in the lurch.
410
00:15:57,457 --> 00:16:00,959
But then again, I'm the dumbass
for thinking you've grown up.
411
00:16:00,961 --> 00:16:03,378
-Serious?
-Serious.
412
00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:11,877
"You'll never fix that car.
Death trap."
413
00:16:11,879 --> 00:16:13,696
Ha! Suck it, Wayne.
414
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:18,701
I fixed it by myself,
I'll drive it by myself.
415
00:16:18,703 --> 00:16:20,627
I don't need anybody.
416
00:16:20,629 --> 00:16:23,464
Looks like it's just
you and me, Little Carl.
417
00:16:23,466 --> 00:16:26,651
So, guys, uh, I really want
to help you fix your car,
418
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,894
but Kathy kicked me out
a few days ago,
419
00:16:28,896 --> 00:16:32,381
and I've been all alone,
uh, staying at a Holiday Inn,
420
00:16:32,383 --> 00:16:35,493
and not a good one. I think
it's independently owned.
421
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:38,404
But anyways, it's, uh, really
put things in perspective.
422
00:16:38,406 --> 00:16:40,832
You know, you can have all the
properly working motor vehicles
423
00:16:40,834 --> 00:16:43,893
in the world, but if you don't
have your family,
424
00:16:43,895 --> 00:16:45,061
what do you got?
425
00:16:45,063 --> 00:16:47,079
And Kathy Nowacek, and my kids,
426
00:16:47,081 --> 00:16:48,414
if you're watching this
right now,
427
00:16:48,416 --> 00:16:50,066
I want you to know I love ya.
428
00:16:50,068 --> 00:16:51,567
Go ahead
and smash that "like" button
429
00:16:51,569 --> 00:16:53,660
and subscribe
if you'd like more videos.
430
00:16:53,662 --> 00:16:56,088
Oh, Carl, you're so right.
431
00:16:56,090 --> 00:16:58,349
Now I'm talking to Little Carl.
432
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:01,093
(horn honking)
433
00:17:01,095 --> 00:17:03,763
Y'all, I did it.
I fixed the CRX.
434
00:17:03,765 --> 00:17:06,190
-What the hell?!
-You fixed it? On your own?
435
00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:08,192
But Little Carl's right:
a car's worthless
436
00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:10,028
if you can't enjoy it
with your family.
437
00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:12,196
All I want right now is
to take a ride
438
00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:14,866
with the two most important
people in my life.
439
00:17:14,868 --> 00:17:16,367
You know what, Jenny?
440
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:19,612
I fantasize
about you dying sometimes, too.
441
00:17:19,614 --> 00:17:21,021
Same. For both of you.
442
00:17:21,023 --> 00:17:23,875
Hey, it's the tie that binds.
443
00:17:23,877 --> 00:17:25,768
-(engine starts)
-Okay.
444
00:17:25,770 --> 00:17:28,271
Mom, there's a disturbing amount
445
00:17:28,273 --> 00:17:29,547
of spare pieces back here.
446
00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:31,774
Yeah, those parts are just like
when you buy a coat
447
00:17:31,776 --> 00:17:32,958
at Burlington, and they give you
448
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,443
a few extra buttons
in the pocket.
449
00:17:34,445 --> 00:17:37,463
You don't need 'em.
Now sit back and enjoy the ride.
450
00:17:37,465 --> 00:17:40,800
-♪ Rollin' down the street ♪
-(horn honking)
451
00:17:40,802 --> 00:17:42,785
♪ Sippin' on gin and ju... ♪
452
00:17:42,787 --> 00:17:44,804
-(loud bang)
-(gasps) Ah!
453
00:17:44,806 --> 00:17:46,713
(all yelling)
454
00:17:46,715 --> 00:17:47,957
-(glass shatters)
-(tire pops)
455
00:17:47,959 --> 00:17:49,233
-Uh...
-(gasps) The brakes.
456
00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:51,718
The brakes don't work.
I mean, they're fixed--
457
00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:53,479
hello-- but they're not working!
458
00:17:53,481 --> 00:17:56,890
And we're headed straight
towards Dead Man's Intersection!
459
00:17:56,892 --> 00:18:00,303
(all screaming)
460
00:18:00,305 --> 00:18:01,728
(screaming continues)
461
00:18:01,730 --> 00:18:03,973
(tires squealing)
462
00:18:03,975 --> 00:18:05,491
(engine revving)
463
00:18:05,493 --> 00:18:08,902
-(all screaming)
-(tires squealing)
464
00:18:08,904 --> 00:18:10,162
Oh, my God, Wayne. Thank you!
465
00:18:10,164 --> 00:18:13,424
Stop talking
and get out of that thing!
466
00:18:15,578 --> 00:18:18,513
Oh, so these are brakes?
467
00:18:22,510 --> 00:18:24,251
Oh, boy, here it goes.
468
00:18:24,662 --> 00:18:28,331
Mr. Bigsby, I owe you the
world's biggest "my bad."
469
00:18:28,333 --> 00:18:29,682
I fell under the spell
470
00:18:29,684 --> 00:18:31,109
of this old friend of mine,
and chasing
471
00:18:31,111 --> 00:18:33,185
some dumb fantasy that
he was never gonna help me with.
472
00:18:33,187 --> 00:18:35,446
But not all childhood dreams
are meant to come true, sir.
473
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:39,508
Otherwise, there'd be way
more fireman cowboy astronauts.
474
00:18:39,510 --> 00:18:41,786
Anyway, I am sorry that I quit.
475
00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:43,346
You're quitting? Right now?!
476
00:18:43,348 --> 00:18:45,681
No. No, no, no, no.
I-I-I'm actually...
477
00:18:45,683 --> 00:18:46,824
He doesn't remember.
478
00:18:46,826 --> 00:18:48,793
He's got, like,
stage 12 dementia.
479
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:51,612
Uh, okay. So... forget it?
480
00:18:51,614 --> 00:18:53,022
I guess he already has.
481
00:18:53,024 --> 00:18:54,465
So he's not quitting?
482
00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:55,449
No, sir. I'm not.
483
00:18:55,451 --> 00:18:57,969
Good, 'cause I hate quitters.
484
00:18:57,971 --> 00:19:00,045
You know what else quit on me?
485
00:19:00,047 --> 00:19:03,808
My legs.
But I didn't quit on them!
486
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:07,036
-(humming cancan tune)
-PETER (over P.A.): Attention.
487
00:19:07,038 --> 00:19:09,129
We've got ourselves
a shed squatter on aisle ten.
488
00:19:09,131 --> 00:19:10,797
I'm on it!
489
00:19:10,799 --> 00:19:12,132
All right, pal.
490
00:19:12,134 --> 00:19:14,468
If you lie in it,
you're buying it. Come on out.
491
00:19:14,470 --> 00:19:15,987
Trav?
492
00:19:15,989 --> 00:19:17,822
What the heck, man?
Are you living in here?
493
00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:19,640
What?!
494
00:19:19,642 --> 00:19:21,975
No way, man.
I'm just chillin' in here.
495
00:19:21,977 --> 00:19:23,828
Okay, yeah, I'm totally
living in this shed.
496
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:28,724
Emoji divorced me. She said
wedding fires were bad luck.
497
00:19:28,726 --> 00:19:30,893
But you're living the dream.
498
00:19:30,895 --> 00:19:32,819
No, you're living the dream.
499
00:19:32,821 --> 00:19:34,763
You got family and love.
500
00:19:34,765 --> 00:19:36,899
(voice breaking):
All I got is my fading smile.
501
00:19:36,901 --> 00:19:40,511
And that pays less and less
with each passing year.
502
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:42,513
I'd only been
in Hollywood for a minute
503
00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:45,090
when things got desperate
real fast.
504
00:19:45,092 --> 00:19:47,760
Oh, come on, man.
It couldn't have been that bad.
505
00:19:47,762 --> 00:19:51,338
(cries)
I did a porno, man!
506
00:19:51,340 --> 00:19:53,265
(sobbing)
507
00:19:53,267 --> 00:19:54,417
And it was bad.
508
00:19:54,419 --> 00:19:57,028
It had no story,
and it was super gross.
509
00:19:57,030 --> 00:19:59,755
I mean, I'm not that OCD
about cleanliness,
510
00:19:59,757 --> 00:20:01,014
but they don't even try
511
00:20:01,016 --> 00:20:04,535
to provide a clean
working environment, Wayne.
512
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,095
You're gonna be okay.
513
00:20:06,097 --> 00:20:07,947
You can crash at my place.
514
00:20:07,949 --> 00:20:09,598
Thanks, Wayne. (sniffles)
515
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:12,693
I mean, it wasn't like
it had no story.
516
00:20:12,695 --> 00:20:13,953
It did have a story.
517
00:20:13,955 --> 00:20:15,379
I was a personal trainer,
but somehow,
518
00:20:15,381 --> 00:20:17,957
on this particular day,
I was quadruple booked.
519
00:20:17,959 --> 00:20:20,051
See, I'm drawn in.
520
00:20:21,796 --> 00:20:23,221
There's no way
521
00:20:23,223 --> 00:20:25,706
you could give us a slightly
sweeter pre-owned deal?
522
00:20:25,708 --> 00:20:28,709
I'm afraid I've gone down
as far as I can go.
523
00:20:28,711 --> 00:20:32,897
Oh, my God, are you Travis
from Courtney Love's Loves?
524
00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:34,565
Guilty as charged.
525
00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:36,141
Hon, come into my office.
526
00:20:36,143 --> 00:20:38,736
We're gonna hook your friends up
with a real sweet deal.
527
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:41,814
Smile's not fading as fast
as I formerly thought.
528
00:20:41,816 --> 00:20:43,632
Honey, it's not the smile.
529
00:20:43,634 --> 00:20:46,535
It's that tight little
badonk-ah-dunkah.
530
00:20:53,978 --> 00:20:56,087
Thanks for hookin'
yourself out, Travis.
531
00:20:56,089 --> 00:20:58,422
Oh, yeah.
Thanks for hookin' yourself out.
532
00:20:58,424 --> 00:21:00,925
No thanks needed.
Y'all are family.
533
00:21:00,927 --> 00:21:02,334
(engine starts)
534
00:21:02,336 --> 00:21:04,578
("Gin and Juice"
by Snoop Doggy Dogg plays)
535
00:21:04,580 --> 00:21:05,763
I love you, man.
536
00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:07,323
I love you, too, man.
537
00:21:07,325 --> 00:21:10,326
Hey, Wayne, do me a favor
and don't google that porn.
538
00:21:10,328 --> 00:21:13,178
-Yeah, kind of already did.
-No! Come on.
539
00:21:13,180 --> 00:21:15,164
I wanted to know
how your character
540
00:21:15,166 --> 00:21:17,166
sorted out
that scheduling snafu.
541
00:21:17,168 --> 00:21:19,426
And you handled it like a champ.
542
00:21:19,428 --> 00:21:20,945
Thanks, man.
543
00:21:20,947 --> 00:21:23,764
♪ Rollin' down the street ♪
544
00:21:23,766 --> 00:21:25,858
(horn honking)
545
00:21:25,860 --> 00:21:28,452
♪ Sippin' on gin and juice. ♪
546
00:21:29,514 --> 00:21:31,271
-(meows)
-(horn honks musically)
547
00:21:31,273 --> 00:21:33,682
Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
548
00:21:33,684 --> 00:21:35,042
and TOYOTA.