-(rock music playing) -(imitating electric guitar)
You call that a guitar face?
This is a guitar face.
(imitates electric guitar)
Look at my mouth, see? Look at my lips.
Jenny! Jenny! Travis is in town!
Oh, my Lord, that wandering smokeshow?
Who the heck is Travis?
Wayne's best friend growing up.
He and Wayne have a lot of fun, maybe too much fun.
Yeah, he's all about the moment, and...
and positivity,
and-and he doesn't let negativity in.
That's the thing. And that's why he doesn't have any problems.
I'm sorry. Why is this the first time
I'm hearing about this magical Fonzie?
Where has he been all of my life?
Where hasn't he been?
Flying guided helicopter tours
into Hawaiian volcanos...
doing flash mobs in the Maldives...
conquering Hollywood.
(chuckles) He's not doing any of that.
Oh, so he's just a screwup who bounces from thing to thing?
Um, would you call a guy
who was on a Hollywood reality matchmaking show
where Courtney Love chooses from 30 eligible bachelors
"a screwup"?
-(motorcycle revving) -TRAVIS: Bromeo!
Wherefore art thou, Bromeo?
♪
-You! You! You're the man. -No, man. It's you, man! All you!
-VIOLET: So much punching. -No, you. You are the man.
VIOLET: Do they love each other or hate each other?
♪
-TRAVIS: This guy! -WAYNE: This guy!
-This guy! -This guy!
BOTH: This guy!
Okay, that's a solid half hour of "this guys."
Should we move into the telling of old stories?
Ooh, I got one.
I was taking a final exam, when suddenly...
♪
(tires screech)
Scuse me.
I have a note from the office.
Wayne Edwards.
Your Uncle Penis is in the hospital.
(cheering, whooping)
That was a great day.
I mean, crappy summer 'cause I had to retake Spanish,
but great... day.
Travis does what he wants,
Wayne gets caught up in the excitement,
and then immediately gets punished for it.
Oh, remember that one time we went on
that freakin' amazing spontaneous trip down the coast?
Oh, yeah, that trip was not amazing.
Jenny! This is goodbye.
-What? -Travis made out with a girl
whose boyfriend is an MMA fighter.
He's in grave danger.
I gotta help him bug out!
I'm sorry, Jenny!
But you know I make instantaneous,
undeniable bonds with women.
We gotta pull over and cover our tracks!
-(both gasp) -MAN: Over here, y'all! Kill that guy!
WAYNE: Oh, crap. He brought friends.
MAN 2: Where the hell did they go?
MAN: Damned if I know.
But I gotta take a wizard.
(zippers open)
Oh, that's right.
We did get peed on that night,
but we also saw a pirate ship.
Most people just talk about stuff,
but Travis goes out and does it.
Except one thing.
BOTH: Machu Picchu.
♪
We were gonna open up a bar on one of those mossy pyramids.
And call it "The Drincan Temple."
Spelled like "Incan."
We literally put the Incan in drinkin'.
A bar on a sacred temple? Great idea.
Maybe next you can open a zip line at Ground Zero.
We gotta go out and celebrate, man.
Oh, that sounds nice,
but Wayne was just about to help me figure out
why my car horn honks to the beat of my turn signal. Aw.
Yeah. Plus, I gotta work tomorrow.
Hey, I didn't ask this.
I asked this.
(heavenly music plays)
You're right. Let's do it!
-Wayne... -Oh, come on, Jenny.
It's been so long.
I need some guy time.
Okay. I'm not gonna be that girlfriend.
Go have your super manly guy time.
Travis, you can crash on the sleeper sofa
at my place if you want.
They don't call him "The Pull Out King" for nothing.
-Ugh. -Don't worry about that, man.
I got a real sweet crash pad.
Well, then, let's hit it!
(rock music playing faintly)
(spits, exclaims)
Aw, this drink sucks.
We would never let a drink like this cross our bar.
No, sir, not at the Drincan Temple.
Listen up, party patrons.
My buddy Wayne can make a drink
that'll knock your socks off!
-I can? -Of course you can.
I believe in you.
(chanting): Wayne. Wayne!
Wayne! Wayne! Wayne!
ALL: Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! Wayne!
Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! Wayne!
-(tires screech) -(Betty and Jenny gasp)
Steering wheel's fighting me like a 20-pound bass.
Or is it fighting you
like the spirit of a man you ran over in the '80s?
Whatever your name is, sir,
we have no quarrel with you.
This car is not haunted, Vi.
It's just a very old car that's got its quirks.
(loud bang)
(gasps) It's the Dark Lord!
That's not devil smoke!
It's just regular, non-devil smoke.
It's time to call... (screams)
Mother, it's AAA. Not "Aaah!"
(all screaming)
-Ah! Trav! I'm doing it! -(cheering)
Wanye-tini up!
This is delish.
This is it, bro. This is the dream.
Hey, let's wake up in a dream every day.
What? We don't know anything about opening a bar.
Hey, can I buy your beer for ten bucks?
Uh, sure. Why not?
And you just sold me a beer.
That's all you need to know to open a bar.
(chanting): Wayne! Wayne!
ALL: Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! Wayne!
Wayne! Wayne!
We lived our whole life in this car.
Yeah, but it was almost completely on fire.
We gotta let her go.
Should we tell her?
I do believe it's time.
What?
Vi, this was your Gram's car
when she was tearing up the streets in the '80s.
(singing along to radio): ♪ Down the basement ♪
♪ Lock the cellar door ♪
♪ And baby ♪
♪ Talk dirty to me! ♪
BETTY: And it was your mom's ride
when she tore up the streets a decade later.
(singing along): ♪ Closing time ♪
♪ One last call for alcohol ♪
♪ So finish your whiskey or beer... ♪
(whoops)
JENNY: And, Vi, this car has touched your life
in ways you don't even know.
Mother! Do not stop for a Quiznos!
This baby is coming!
You got this cute little divot in your head
'cause you shot out into the parking brake.
I was born... in a CRX.
It's settled. Too many memories!
We're saving this memory hoopty.
JENNY: Well, good morning, sleepyhead.
Did you have a fun man night?
Any fights, jail time, did you get peed on?
Uh, nothing. Probably.
Mm. Don't remember a ton.
But probably not hardly anything.
What in the hell happened here?
Oh, nothing. Probably hardly not anything.
(sparks crackle)
The "Aaah" guy said all it needs is a new engine,
new transmission-- oh, and brakes and tires.
And a taillight.
And a new interior/exterior.
But otherwise, she's cherry.
Y'all, no. No way.
I'm done fixing that death trap.
I got way more important things to do.
Oh, no. What kind of dumb bullcrap
did Travis talk you into last night?
Jenny, your tone is like... (grunts) Whatever.
And as a matter of fact, I am opening a bar with Travis.
The Drinkin' Ruins thing?
The Drincan Temple.
Come on, Wayne.
I've had the idea for a Led Zeppelin-themed coffee shop
called "Whole Latte Love" for years.
But a catchy name is not a business plan.
You can't let Travis talk you into
another one of his reckless ideas.
-(groans) -Wayne...
No... no...
No, no, n-no, don't you press that button, Wayne...
-(line ringing) -Bad!
Hello, Mr. Bigsby.
Yeah, this is your former employee,
soon to be famous bar owner, Wayne Edwards.
-I... quit. -(all gasp)
Wayne, you did not just quit your job.
What are you gonna do for money?
Open your earholes.
Me and Travis are opening a bar.
Bars are gold mines.
Right. Is that why there's a reality show called Bar Rescue?
Travis, I present to you:
The Drincan Temple.
The future number-one
Peruvian-themed nightclub in Greenpoint.
This is a sacred spot.
Its energy is acutely positive,
probably because of its history.
Yep, it was a sex shop.
But I just could not compete with online.
You know, all across America,
your brick-and-mortar dilda shops are taking a real beating.
Eat a double-headed pleasure snake, Jeff Bozos.
Oh, that-- that was inspiring, Bud.
Thanks for that. Uh, where do I sign?
Whoa, Wayne. That's a lot of money.
Hey, man. Is that what you think in here?
Or in here?
Besides, I got this.
No one really needs health insurance anyway.
Nice doing business with y'all.
Hey, you want me to clear out these inflatables?
Ah, you know what? They're on the hizzy.
Use 'em for pool floats. (laughs)
(coughing) Oh, God.
(music playing over phone)
Hey, Carl Nowacek here,
aka Little Carl.
Welcome to today's video:
"How to Fix an '87 CRX with Fire Damage."
Okay, so, uh, make sure the battery's grounded.
Hey! What did I tell you?
Don't play with my tools.
Kathy! Come get your kids!
My wife, she doesn't watch our kids.
Hey, Carl? What is this?
Does this go in the engine?
It's a video. He's not actually talking to us.
You don't actually talk to the TV
and expect the actors to reply, do you, Mother?
-Uh, a hundred percent yes. -Oh, what am I saying?
-You do that all the time. -She absolutely does.
Kathy! Get these dang kids!
Okay. Now let's get to work.
♪ Now get to work ♪
♪
-(horn honks) -Ah!
♪ Ah, oh, now get to work ♪
♪ Ah, oh ♪
♪ Bring it on ♪
♪ Ring the alarm ♪
-♪ Don't stop now ♪ -(screams)
♪ Just be the champion ♪
♪ Work it hard ♪
♪ Like it's your profession ♪
♪ Watch out now ♪
♪ 'Cause here it comes ♪
-♪ Here comes the master ♪ -Ah! Ah! Ah!
♪ Here comes the big beat ♪
-(screams) -♪ Big beat disaster. ♪
JENNY: We are so close to fixing this car.
Suck on that, Wayne.
Yep, so many more wonderful memories
to be made in this vehicle.
Oh, Violet! Can't believe you got into NYU.
Thanks for driving, Mom.
Well, I got to go embark on my adult life.
Wait. I have a surprise for you.
I convinced them to let us be roomies.
We're doing New York, roomie!
That is the best news ever!
Now I can always be your little girl.
Yay, Mommy!
Yup, ever since your Gram passed, it's been hard.
But at least we have each other.
You're taking me to college and then never leaving?
And I'm dead in your fantasy?
The fantasy's way more emotional if you're dead.
Mom, you can drive me to college,
but then you're leaving the car because I've got other plans.
Thank you for coming to my show.
I've worked very hard on this extremely personal piece.
I now present to you...
-Born in a Car. -(gasping, applause)
I dedicate this to the memory of my grandmother Betty Hart,
who died suddenly last night.
Great, so I'm dead again?
We're not invited to your art show?
And as always, my work is flying right over your heads.
I think it's time for both of you
to hear what a proper fant-nasty sounds like.
-Fant-nasty? -No, no, no, please don't.
JENNY: Unsubscribe.
♪
That's that. Took care of her,
so you are free to marry me, Dr. Senator.
Now, why don't you make love to me
on the hood of my car while it's still warm.
It would be my great honor to service you sexually, Ms. Hart.
Oh, and by the way, both Jenny and Violet are dead.
How does it feel?
Wayne, bro, congratulate me.
I'm getting married... tonight!
-You're getting married? -I met her last night.
I think you know her.
She's a dancer at Bud's named Emoji.
Wow. Okay. Uh, great.
And guess where we're gonna live? Peru.
-Peru? -Yeah, Peru, North Carolina.
Plus, we're moving in with Emoji's adult son.
-Wait. What about our bar? -What bar?
Um, the bar we're standing in?
Oh, right. Well, I'll still help out on the weekends.
And I'll tell you what.
Why don't we have the wedding right here on our opening night?
It'll be the perfect send-off for me and Emoji.
Send-off?
Ugh!
Mother, can you hand me a wrench?
I wish I could, but I am dead, so no.
My dead-ass vapor hands cannot pick up a wrench.
Gram, it was heightened reality.
-You know what? I'm over this. -(truck approaching)
Wait. Y'all can't give up now.
We're so close. Ugh.
-(sighs) -Jenny, grab a playful sundress.
Travis is getting married.
What? Oh, of course he is.
How long has he known her, four hours?
Uh, four-teen hours, so, way off.
Oh, no, you're not still playing mechanic, are you?
(gasps) What?! Okay.
Well, are you still playing "I'm building a dumb bar"?
Look who's talking. Ugh! So mad at you,
but you all sweaty is also really hot.
Well, you all mad and dressed up is pretty hot, too.
All right. Are you coming to Travis's last-minute wedding
or not, you greasy little hottie?
I don't have time to get cleaned up, you friggin' smokeshow.
Fine. You can come dirty because that's hot.
Well, if I do manage to fix this car,
I might just take you to the backseat, mister.
Well, now I'm conflicted
because I would love to old-school get down
in the back of a car with you, but conversely,
I don't want you to succeed
in fixing this murder-mobile, you smoking hottie!
Can you guys stop yelling rage-horny things
at each other on our front lawn?!
♪
You know what, Pierce Bro-snan?
What, Timothée Bro-lomet?
Having your wedding on opening night was a brilliant idea.
Oh, man, this place is packed.
We're gonna make so much bank tonight.
We got this. Oh, by the way, I told everybody drinks are free.
Wait. What?
Love is a beautiful thing.
I've been lucky enough to witness Emoji
find true wedded love no less than eight times.
(quietly): Eight times?
Oh, and before we get to the vows,
I would like to dedicate a ceremonial poi dance
to the love of my past 48 hours
-and the rest of my life. -(gasps)
♪
(crowd gasping)
(grunts)
Oh, my God, Dawn.
Are you wearing a wedding dress on my wedding day?
Well, one of us has to.
I don't know what you call that.
-(Dawn grunts) -(laughs)
-(screaming) -The statue. Trav!
-(grunting) -(glass shatters)
(dog growling)
(indistinct shouting)
(yells)
(shrieks)
We're getting beat up, but I can't hit back
because it's all girls.
I know, man.
This is an unwinnable fight.
-(growling) -Punch the dog!
No, she's a girl, too.
(statue creaks, crashes)
Wayne, bro, I am so sorry.
Wayne, I said I'm sorry.
I heard you. I just was trying to figure out
if you're apologizing for this
or-or for a whole lifetime of leaving me in the lurch.
But then again, I'm the dumbass for thinking you've grown up.
-Serious? -Serious.
"You'll never fix that car. Death trap."
Ha! Suck it, Wayne.
I fixed it by myself, I'll drive it by myself.
I don't need anybody.
Looks like it's just you and me, Little Carl.
So, guys, uh, I really want to help you fix your car,
but Kathy kicked me out a few days ago,
and I've been all alone, uh, staying at a Holiday Inn,
and not a good one. I think it's independently owned.
But anyways, it's, uh, really put things in perspective.
You know, you can have all the properly working motor vehicles
in the world, but if you don't have your family,
what do you got?
And Kathy Nowacek, and my kids,
if you're watching this right now,
I want you to know I love ya.
Go ahead and smash that "like" button
and subscribe if you'd like more videos.
Oh, Carl, you're so right.
Now I'm talking to Little Carl.
(horn honking)
Y'all, I did it. I fixed the CRX.
-What the hell?! -You fixed it? On your own?
But Little Carl's right: a car's worthless
if you can't enjoy it with your family.
All I want right now is to take a ride
with the two most important people in my life.
You know what, Jenny?
I fantasize about you dying sometimes, too.
Same. For both of you.
Hey, it's the tie that binds.
-(engine starts) -Okay.
Mom, there's a disturbing amount
of spare pieces back here.
Yeah, those parts are just like when you buy a coat
at Burlington, and they give you
a few extra buttons in the pocket.
You don't need 'em. Now sit back and enjoy the ride.
-♪ Rollin' down the street ♪ -(horn honking)
♪ Sippin' on gin and ju... ♪
-(loud bang) -(gasps) Ah!
(all yelling)
-(glass shatters) -(tire pops)
-Uh... -(gasps) The brakes.
The brakes don't work. I mean, they're fixed--
hello-- but they're not working!
And we're headed straight towards Dead Man's Intersection!
(all screaming)
(screaming continues)
(tires squealing)
(engine revving)
-(all screaming) -(tires squealing)
Oh, my God, Wayne. Thank you!
Stop talking and get out of that thing!
Oh, so these are brakes?
Oh, boy, here it goes.
Mr. Bigsby, I owe you the world's biggest "my bad."
I fell under the spell
of this old friend of mine, and chasing
some dumb fantasy that he was never gonna help me with.
But not all childhood dreams are meant to come true, sir.
Otherwise, there'd be way more fireman cowboy astronauts.
Anyway, I am sorry that I quit.
You're quitting? Right now?!
No. No, no, no, no. I-I-I'm actually...
He doesn't remember.
He's got, like, stage 12 dementia.
Uh, okay. So... forget it?
I guess he already has.
So he's not quitting?
No, sir. I'm not.
Good, 'cause I hate quitters.
You know what else quit on me?
My legs. But I didn't quit on them!
-(humming cancan tune) -PETER (over P.A.): Attention.
We've got ourselves a shed squatter on aisle ten.
I'm on it!
All right, pal.
If you lie in it, you're buying it. Come on out.
Trav?
What the heck, man? Are you living in here?
What?!
No way, man. I'm just chillin' in here.
Okay, yeah, I'm totally living in this shed.
Emoji divorced me. She said wedding fires were bad luck.
But you're living the dream.
No, you're living the dream.
You got family and love.
(voice breaking): All I got is my fading smile.
And that pays less and less with each passing year.
I'd only been in Hollywood for a minute
when things got desperate real fast.
Oh, come on, man. It couldn't have been that bad.
(cries) I did a porno, man!
(sobbing)
And it was bad.
It had no story, and it was super gross.
I mean, I'm not that OCD about cleanliness,
but they don't even try
to provide a clean working environment, Wayne.
You're gonna be okay.
You can crash at my place.
Thanks, Wayne. (sniffles)
I mean, it wasn't like it had no story.
It did have a story.
I was a personal trainer, but somehow,
on this particular day, I was quadruple booked.
See, I'm drawn in.
There's no way
you could give us a slightly sweeter pre-owned deal?
I'm afraid I've gone down as far as I can go.
Oh, my God, are you Travis from Courtney Love's Loves?
Guilty as charged.
Hon, come into my office.
We're gonna hook your friends up with a real sweet deal.
Smile's not fading as fast as I formerly thought.
Honey, it's not the smile.
It's that tight little badonk-ah-dunkah.
Thanks for hookin' yourself out, Travis.
Oh, yeah. Thanks for hookin' yourself out.
No thanks needed. Y'all are family.
(engine starts)
("Gin and Juice" by Snoop Doggy Dogg plays)
I love you, man.
I love you, too, man.
Hey, Wayne, do me a favor and don't google that porn.
-Yeah, kind of already did. -No! Come on.
I wanted to know how your character
sorted out that scheduling snafu.
And you handled it like a champ.
Thanks, man.
♪ Rollin' down the street ♪
(horn honking)
♪ Sippin' on gin and juice. ♪
-(meows) -(horn honks musically)
Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
and TOYOTA.