1 00:00:02,152 --> 00:00:04,420 -(rock music playing) -(imitating electric guitar) 2 00:00:05,822 --> 00:00:07,581 You call that a guitar face? 3 00:00:07,583 --> 00:00:09,008 This is a guitar face. 4 00:00:09,010 --> 00:00:11,301 (imitates electric guitar) 5 00:00:12,921 --> 00:00:14,238 Look at my mouth, see? Look at my lips. 6 00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:17,182 Jenny! Jenny! Travis is in town! 7 00:00:17,184 --> 00:00:19,667 Oh, my Lord, that wandering smokeshow? 8 00:00:19,669 --> 00:00:20,911 Who the heck is Travis? 9 00:00:20,913 --> 00:00:22,262 Wayne's best friend growing up. 10 00:00:22,264 --> 00:00:25,249 He and Wayne have a lot of fun, maybe too much fun. 11 00:00:25,251 --> 00:00:27,008 Yeah, he's all about the moment, and... 12 00:00:27,010 --> 00:00:28,193 and positivity, 13 00:00:28,195 --> 00:00:30,178 and-and he doesn't let negativity in. 14 00:00:30,180 --> 00:00:32,531 That's the thing. And that's why he doesn't have any problems. 15 00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:34,199 I'm sorry. Why is this the first time 16 00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:36,109 I'm hearing about this magical Fonzie? 17 00:00:36,111 --> 00:00:37,703 Where has he been all of my life? 18 00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:39,096 Where hasn't he been? 19 00:00:39,098 --> 00:00:41,064 Flying guided helicopter tours 20 00:00:41,066 --> 00:00:42,875 into Hawaiian volcanos... 21 00:00:42,877 --> 00:00:45,026 doing flash mobs in the Maldives... 22 00:00:45,028 --> 00:00:46,545 conquering Hollywood. 23 00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:48,530 (chuckles) He's not doing any of that. 24 00:00:48,532 --> 00:00:51,942 Oh, so he's just a screwup who bounces from thing to thing? 25 00:00:51,944 --> 00:00:54,127 Um, would you call a guy 26 00:00:54,129 --> 00:00:55,870 who was on a Hollywood reality matchmaking show 27 00:00:55,872 --> 00:00:58,540 where Courtney Love chooses from 30 eligible bachelors 28 00:00:58,542 --> 00:01:00,142 "a screwup"? 29 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:03,970 -(motorcycle revving) -TRAVIS: Bromeo! 30 00:01:03,972 --> 00:01:05,806 Wherefore art thou, Bromeo? 31 00:01:05,808 --> 00:01:09,026 ♪ 32 00:01:12,889 --> 00:01:15,407 -You! You! You're the man. -No, man. It's you, man! All you! 33 00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:17,301 -VIOLET: So much punching. -No, you. You are the man. 34 00:01:17,303 --> 00:01:20,395 VIOLET: Do they love each other or hate each other? 35 00:01:20,397 --> 00:01:22,372 ♪ 36 00:01:49,944 --> 00:01:51,852 -TRAVIS: This guy! -WAYNE: This guy! 37 00:01:51,854 --> 00:01:53,520 -This guy! -This guy! 38 00:01:53,522 --> 00:01:55,355 BOTH: This guy! 39 00:01:55,357 --> 00:01:58,175 Okay, that's a solid half hour of "this guys." 40 00:01:58,177 --> 00:02:00,768 Should we move into the telling of old stories? 41 00:02:00,770 --> 00:02:02,195 Ooh, I got one. 42 00:02:02,197 --> 00:02:04,848 I was taking a final exam, when suddenly... 43 00:02:04,850 --> 00:02:05,773 ♪ 44 00:02:05,775 --> 00:02:06,867 (tires screech) 45 00:02:06,869 --> 00:02:07,960 Scuse me. 46 00:02:07,962 --> 00:02:09,628 I have a note from the office. 47 00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:10,871 Wayne Edwards. 48 00:02:10,873 --> 00:02:12,548 Your Uncle Penis is in the hospital. 49 00:02:14,284 --> 00:02:15,950 (cheering, whooping) 50 00:02:15,952 --> 00:02:17,377 That was a great day. 51 00:02:17,379 --> 00:02:19,805 I mean, crappy summer 'cause I had to retake Spanish, 52 00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:21,789 but great... day. 53 00:02:21,791 --> 00:02:23,124 Travis does what he wants, 54 00:02:23,126 --> 00:02:24,459 Wayne gets caught up in the excitement, 55 00:02:24,461 --> 00:02:26,127 and then immediately gets punished for it. 56 00:02:26,129 --> 00:02:27,888 Oh, remember that one time we went on 57 00:02:27,890 --> 00:02:30,891 that freakin' amazing spontaneous trip down the coast? 58 00:02:30,893 --> 00:02:33,318 Oh, yeah, that trip was not amazing. 59 00:02:34,380 --> 00:02:35,487 Jenny! This is goodbye. 60 00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:37,230 -What? -Travis made out with a girl 61 00:02:37,232 --> 00:02:39,065 whose boyfriend is an MMA fighter. 62 00:02:39,067 --> 00:02:40,717 He's in grave danger. 63 00:02:40,719 --> 00:02:41,885 I gotta help him bug out! 64 00:02:41,887 --> 00:02:42,995 I'm sorry, Jenny! 65 00:02:42,997 --> 00:02:44,721 But you know I make instantaneous, 66 00:02:44,723 --> 00:02:46,540 undeniable bonds with women. 67 00:02:50,171 --> 00:02:53,154 We gotta pull over and cover our tracks! 68 00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:57,009 -(both gasp) -MAN: Over here, y'all! Kill that guy! 69 00:02:57,011 --> 00:02:58,993 WAYNE: Oh, crap. He brought friends. 70 00:02:58,995 --> 00:03:01,680 MAN 2: Where the hell did they go? 71 00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:02,848 MAN: Damned if I know. 72 00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:04,533 But I gotta take a wizard. 73 00:03:04,535 --> 00:03:05,517 (zippers open) 74 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:06,743 Oh, that's right. 75 00:03:06,745 --> 00:03:08,353 We did get peed on that night, 76 00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:10,338 but we also saw a pirate ship. 77 00:03:10,340 --> 00:03:12,507 Most people just talk about stuff, 78 00:03:12,509 --> 00:03:14,693 but Travis goes out and does it. 79 00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,344 Except one thing. 80 00:03:16,346 --> 00:03:18,271 BOTH: Machu Picchu. 81 00:03:18,273 --> 00:03:21,241 ♪ 82 00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:28,114 We were gonna open up a bar on one of those mossy pyramids. 83 00:03:28,116 --> 00:03:29,857 And call it "The Drincan Temple." 84 00:03:29,859 --> 00:03:31,192 Spelled like "Incan." 85 00:03:31,194 --> 00:03:34,028 We literally put the Incan in drinkin'. 86 00:03:34,030 --> 00:03:36,531 A bar on a sacred temple? Great idea. 87 00:03:36,533 --> 00:03:39,051 Maybe next you can open a zip line at Ground Zero. 88 00:03:39,053 --> 00:03:41,111 We gotta go out and celebrate, man. 89 00:03:41,113 --> 00:03:42,387 Oh, that sounds nice, 90 00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:44,223 but Wayne was just about to help me figure out 91 00:03:44,225 --> 00:03:46,225 why my car horn honks to the beat of my turn signal. Aw. 92 00:03:46,227 --> 00:03:48,727 Yeah. Plus, I gotta work tomorrow. 93 00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:50,896 Hey, I didn't ask this. 94 00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:53,565 I asked this. 95 00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,383 (heavenly music plays) 96 00:03:55,385 --> 00:03:57,719 You're right. Let's do it! 97 00:03:57,721 --> 00:03:59,646 -Wayne... -Oh, come on, Jenny. 98 00:03:59,648 --> 00:04:00,888 It's been so long. 99 00:04:00,890 --> 00:04:02,299 I need some guy time. 100 00:04:02,301 --> 00:04:04,892 Okay. I'm not gonna be that girlfriend. 101 00:04:04,894 --> 00:04:06,912 Go have your super manly guy time. 102 00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:08,896 Travis, you can crash on the sleeper sofa 103 00:04:08,898 --> 00:04:10,323 at my place if you want. 104 00:04:10,325 --> 00:04:12,158 They don't call him "The Pull Out King" for nothing. 105 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:14,160 -Ugh. -Don't worry about that, man. 106 00:04:14,162 --> 00:04:16,070 I got a real sweet crash pad. 107 00:04:16,072 --> 00:04:18,340 Well, then, let's hit it! 108 00:04:19,909 --> 00:04:23,487 (rock music playing faintly) 109 00:04:23,489 --> 00:04:24,596 (spits, exclaims) 110 00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:26,298 Aw, this drink sucks. 111 00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:29,993 We would never let a drink like this cross our bar. 112 00:04:29,995 --> 00:04:32,312 No, sir, not at the Drincan Temple. 113 00:04:33,089 --> 00:04:35,181 Listen up, party patrons. 114 00:04:35,183 --> 00:04:37,167 My buddy Wayne can make a drink 115 00:04:37,169 --> 00:04:38,760 that'll knock your socks off! 116 00:04:38,762 --> 00:04:40,762 -I can? -Of course you can. 117 00:04:40,764 --> 00:04:41,947 I believe in you. 118 00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:43,765 (chanting): Wayne. Wayne! 119 00:04:43,767 --> 00:04:45,859 Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! 120 00:04:45,861 --> 00:04:47,511 ALL: Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! 121 00:04:47,513 --> 00:04:50,372 Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! 122 00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:54,126 -(tires screech) -(Betty and Jenny gasp) 123 00:04:54,128 --> 00:04:57,945 Steering wheel's fighting me like a 20-pound bass. 124 00:04:57,947 --> 00:04:59,298 Or is it fighting you 125 00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:01,374 like the spirit of a man you ran over in the '80s? 126 00:05:01,376 --> 00:05:03,451 Whatever your name is, sir, 127 00:05:03,453 --> 00:05:05,195 we have no quarrel with you. 128 00:05:05,197 --> 00:05:07,288 This car is not haunted, Vi. 129 00:05:07,290 --> 00:05:09,641 It's just a very old car that's got its quirks. 130 00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:10,958 (loud bang) 131 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:12,794 (gasps) It's the Dark Lord! 132 00:05:12,796 --> 00:05:14,128 That's not devil smoke! 133 00:05:14,130 --> 00:05:16,648 It's just regular, non-devil smoke. 134 00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,966 It's time to call... (screams) 135 00:05:18,968 --> 00:05:21,711 Mother, it's AAA. Not "Aaah!" 136 00:05:21,713 --> 00:05:23,155 (all screaming) 137 00:05:23,157 --> 00:05:26,641 -Ah! Trav! I'm doing it! -(cheering) 138 00:05:26,643 --> 00:05:29,119 Wanye-tini up! 139 00:05:30,055 --> 00:05:31,663 This is delish. 140 00:05:32,741 --> 00:05:35,149 This is it, bro. This is the dream. 141 00:05:35,151 --> 00:05:37,394 Hey, let's wake up in a dream every day. 142 00:05:37,396 --> 00:05:40,672 What? We don't know anything about opening a bar. 143 00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,899 Hey, can I buy your beer for ten bucks? 144 00:05:42,901 --> 00:05:43,991 Uh, sure. Why not? 145 00:05:43,993 --> 00:05:45,919 And you just sold me a beer. 146 00:05:45,921 --> 00:05:47,995 That's all you need to know to open a bar. 147 00:05:47,997 --> 00:05:49,497 (chanting): Wayne! Wayne! 148 00:05:49,499 --> 00:05:53,243 ALL: Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! 149 00:05:53,245 --> 00:05:56,079 Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! Wayne! 150 00:05:56,932 --> 00:05:59,099 We lived our whole life in this car. 151 00:05:59,101 --> 00:06:01,751 Yeah, but it was almost completely on fire. 152 00:06:01,753 --> 00:06:02,844 We gotta let her go. 153 00:06:02,846 --> 00:06:04,345 Should we tell her? 154 00:06:04,347 --> 00:06:06,514 I do believe it's time. 155 00:06:06,516 --> 00:06:07,366 What? 156 00:06:07,368 --> 00:06:08,700 Vi, this was your Gram's car 157 00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,852 when she was tearing up the streets in the '80s. 158 00:06:10,854 --> 00:06:13,947 (singing along to radio): ♪ Down the basement ♪ 159 00:06:13,949 --> 00:06:16,558 ♪ Lock the cellar door ♪ 160 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:18,359 ♪ And baby ♪ 161 00:06:18,361 --> 00:06:21,028 ♪ Talk dirty to me! ♪ 162 00:06:21,030 --> 00:06:22,439 BETTY: And it was your mom's ride 163 00:06:22,441 --> 00:06:25,550 when she tore up the streets a decade later. 164 00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:27,961 (singing along): ♪ Closing time ♪ 165 00:06:27,963 --> 00:06:30,296 ♪ One last call for alcohol ♪ 166 00:06:30,298 --> 00:06:34,134 ♪ So finish your whiskey or beer... ♪ 167 00:06:34,136 --> 00:06:35,560 (whoops) 168 00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:37,211 JENNY: And, Vi, this car has touched your life 169 00:06:37,213 --> 00:06:38,805 in ways you don't even know. 170 00:06:38,807 --> 00:06:40,732 Mother! Do not stop for a Quiznos! 171 00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,567 This baby is coming! 172 00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:45,052 You got this cute little divot in your head 173 00:06:45,054 --> 00:06:46,738 'cause you shot out into the parking brake. 174 00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:50,725 I was born... in a CRX. 175 00:06:50,727 --> 00:06:52,393 It's settled. Too many memories! 176 00:06:52,395 --> 00:06:54,663 We're saving this memory hoopty. 177 00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:58,158 JENNY: Well, good morning, sleepyhead. 178 00:06:58,160 --> 00:06:59,584 Did you have a fun man night? 179 00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:01,661 Any fights, jail time, did you get peed on? 180 00:07:01,663 --> 00:07:03,830 Uh, nothing. Probably. 181 00:07:03,832 --> 00:07:05,815 Mm. Don't remember a ton. 182 00:07:05,817 --> 00:07:07,909 But probably not hardly anything. 183 00:07:07,911 --> 00:07:09,928 What in the hell happened here? 184 00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,763 Oh, nothing. Probably hardly not anything. 185 00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,414 (sparks crackle) 186 00:07:13,416 --> 00:07:16,601 The "Aaah" guy said all it needs is a new engine, 187 00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:19,663 new transmission-- oh, and brakes and tires. 188 00:07:19,665 --> 00:07:20,939 And a taillight. 189 00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:23,424 And a new interior/exterior. 190 00:07:23,426 --> 00:07:24,943 But otherwise, she's cherry. 191 00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:27,337 Y'all, no. No way. 192 00:07:27,339 --> 00:07:29,005 I'm done fixing that death trap. 193 00:07:29,007 --> 00:07:31,265 I got way more important things to do. 194 00:07:31,267 --> 00:07:32,951 Oh, no. What kind of dumb bullcrap 195 00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:34,769 did Travis talk you into last night? 196 00:07:34,771 --> 00:07:37,847 Jenny, your tone is like... (grunts) Whatever. 197 00:07:37,849 --> 00:07:40,792 And as a matter of fact, I am opening a bar with Travis. 198 00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:42,535 The Drinkin' Ruins thing? 199 00:07:42,537 --> 00:07:43,962 The Drincan Temple. 200 00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:45,464 Come on, Wayne. 201 00:07:45,466 --> 00:07:47,357 I've had the idea for a Led Zeppelin-themed coffee shop 202 00:07:47,359 --> 00:07:49,192 called "Whole Latte Love" for years. 203 00:07:49,194 --> 00:07:51,136 But a catchy name is not a business plan. 204 00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:52,954 You can't let Travis talk you into 205 00:07:52,956 --> 00:07:54,806 another one of his reckless ideas. 206 00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,475 -(groans) -Wayne... 207 00:07:56,477 --> 00:07:58,310 No... no... 208 00:07:58,312 --> 00:08:01,313 No, no, n-no, don't you press that button, Wayne... 209 00:08:01,315 --> 00:08:02,555 -(line ringing) -Bad! 210 00:08:02,557 --> 00:08:03,631 Hello, Mr. Bigsby. 211 00:08:03,633 --> 00:08:06,209 Yeah, this is your former employee, 212 00:08:06,211 --> 00:08:10,046 soon to be famous bar owner, Wayne Edwards. 213 00:08:10,048 --> 00:08:12,157 -I... quit. -(all gasp) 214 00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:19,055 Wayne, you did not just quit your job. 215 00:08:19,057 --> 00:08:20,832 What are you gonna do for money? 216 00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,892 Open your earholes. 217 00:08:22,894 --> 00:08:25,562 Me and Travis are opening a bar. 218 00:08:25,564 --> 00:08:27,564 Bars are gold mines. 219 00:08:27,566 --> 00:08:31,384 Right. Is that why there's a reality show called Bar Rescue? 220 00:08:32,904 --> 00:08:35,588 Travis, I present to you: 221 00:08:35,590 --> 00:08:37,590 The Drincan Temple. 222 00:08:37,592 --> 00:08:38,850 The future number-one 223 00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:41,002 Peruvian-themed nightclub in Greenpoint. 224 00:08:41,004 --> 00:08:42,687 This is a sacred spot. 225 00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:44,914 Its energy is acutely positive, 226 00:08:44,916 --> 00:08:47,100 probably because of its history. 227 00:08:47,102 --> 00:08:48,342 Yep, it was a sex shop. 228 00:08:48,344 --> 00:08:50,695 But I just could not compete with online. 229 00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:52,922 You know, all across America, 230 00:08:52,924 --> 00:08:55,942 your brick-and-mortar dilda shops are taking a real beating. 231 00:08:55,944 --> 00:08:59,262 Eat a double-headed pleasure snake, Jeff Bozos. 232 00:08:59,264 --> 00:09:01,873 Oh, that-- that was inspiring, Bud. 233 00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:04,417 Thanks for that. Uh, where do I sign? 234 00:09:05,604 --> 00:09:08,438 Whoa, Wayne. That's a lot of money. 235 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:10,957 Hey, man. Is that what you think in here? 236 00:09:10,959 --> 00:09:12,942 Or in here? 237 00:09:12,944 --> 00:09:14,127 Besides, I got this. 238 00:09:14,129 --> 00:09:16,221 No one really needs health insurance anyway. 239 00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:18,448 Nice doing business with y'all. 240 00:09:18,450 --> 00:09:20,892 Hey, you want me to clear out these inflatables? 241 00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,969 Ah, you know what? They're on the hizzy. 242 00:09:22,971 --> 00:09:24,896 Use 'em for pool floats. (laughs) 243 00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:26,956 (coughing) Oh, God. 244 00:09:26,958 --> 00:09:28,641 (music playing over phone) 245 00:09:28,643 --> 00:09:30,902 Hey, Carl Nowacek here, 246 00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,478 aka Little Carl. 247 00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:34,055 Welcome to today's video: 248 00:09:34,057 --> 00:09:36,816 "How to Fix an '87 CRX with Fire Damage." 249 00:09:36,818 --> 00:09:40,745 Okay, so, uh, make sure the battery's grounded. 250 00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:42,747 Hey! What did I tell you? 251 00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:45,141 Don't play with my tools. 252 00:09:45,143 --> 00:09:47,310 Kathy! Come get your kids! 253 00:09:47,312 --> 00:09:49,996 My wife, she doesn't watch our kids. 254 00:09:49,998 --> 00:09:51,831 Hey, Carl? What is this? 255 00:09:51,833 --> 00:09:53,425 Does this go in the engine? 256 00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:55,910 It's a video. He's not actually talking to us. 257 00:09:55,912 --> 00:09:57,429 You don't actually talk to the TV 258 00:09:57,431 --> 00:09:59,172 and expect the actors to reply, do you, Mother? 259 00:09:59,174 --> 00:10:01,099 -Uh, a hundred percent yes. -Oh, what am I saying? 260 00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:02,416 -You do that all the time. -She absolutely does. 261 00:10:02,418 --> 00:10:05,161 Kathy! Get these dang kids! 262 00:10:05,163 --> 00:10:06,938 Okay. Now let's get to work. 263 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:09,666 ♪ Now get to work ♪ 264 00:10:09,668 --> 00:10:11,943 ♪ 265 00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,945 -(horn honks) -Ah! 266 00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:16,406 ♪ Ah, oh, now get to work ♪ 267 00:10:20,362 --> 00:10:21,861 ♪ Ah, oh ♪ 268 00:10:21,863 --> 00:10:23,622 ♪ Bring it on ♪ 269 00:10:23,624 --> 00:10:25,682 ♪ Ring the alarm ♪ 270 00:10:25,684 --> 00:10:27,700 -♪ Don't stop now ♪ -(screams) 271 00:10:27,702 --> 00:10:28,960 ♪ Just be the champion ♪ 272 00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:30,778 ♪ Work it hard ♪ 273 00:10:30,780 --> 00:10:32,631 ♪ Like it's your profession ♪ 274 00:10:32,633 --> 00:10:34,858 ♪ Watch out now ♪ 275 00:10:34,860 --> 00:10:37,360 ♪ 'Cause here it comes ♪ 276 00:10:37,362 --> 00:10:39,863 -♪ Here comes the master ♪ -Ah! Ah! Ah! 277 00:10:39,865 --> 00:10:41,139 ♪ Here comes the big beat ♪ 278 00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:43,049 -(screams) -♪ Big beat disaster. ♪ 279 00:10:43,051 --> 00:10:45,702 JENNY: We are so close to fixing this car. 280 00:10:45,704 --> 00:10:47,036 Suck on that, Wayne. 281 00:10:47,038 --> 00:10:48,204 Yep, so many more wonderful memories 282 00:10:48,206 --> 00:10:50,607 to be made in this vehicle. 283 00:10:51,893 --> 00:10:54,986 Oh, Violet! Can't believe you got into NYU. 284 00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:57,046 Thanks for driving, Mom. 285 00:10:57,048 --> 00:10:59,716 Well, I got to go embark on my adult life. 286 00:10:59,718 --> 00:11:01,308 Wait. I have a surprise for you. 287 00:11:01,310 --> 00:11:03,887 I convinced them to let us be roomies. 288 00:11:03,889 --> 00:11:06,114 We're doing New York, roomie! 289 00:11:06,116 --> 00:11:07,999 That is the best news ever! 290 00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:10,727 Now I can always be your little girl. 291 00:11:10,729 --> 00:11:12,061 Yay, Mommy! 292 00:11:12,063 --> 00:11:15,173 Yup, ever since your Gram passed, it's been hard. 293 00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:17,158 But at least we have each other. 294 00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:20,161 You're taking me to college and then never leaving? 295 00:11:20,163 --> 00:11:22,163 And I'm dead in your fantasy? 296 00:11:22,165 --> 00:11:24,849 The fantasy's way more emotional if you're dead. 297 00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:26,576 Mom, you can drive me to college, 298 00:11:26,578 --> 00:11:30,914 but then you're leaving the car because I've got other plans. 299 00:11:30,916 --> 00:11:33,099 Thank you for coming to my show. 300 00:11:33,101 --> 00:11:37,011 I've worked very hard on this extremely personal piece. 301 00:11:37,013 --> 00:11:39,923 I now present to you... 302 00:11:39,925 --> 00:11:41,515 -Born in a Car. -(gasping, applause) 303 00:11:41,517 --> 00:11:44,852 I dedicate this to the memory of my grandmother Betty Hart, 304 00:11:44,854 --> 00:11:46,930 who died suddenly last night. 305 00:11:46,932 --> 00:11:49,523 Great, so I'm dead again? 306 00:11:49,525 --> 00:11:51,284 We're not invited to your art show? 307 00:11:51,286 --> 00:11:54,028 And as always, my work is flying right over your heads. 308 00:11:54,030 --> 00:11:55,605 I think it's time for both of you 309 00:11:55,607 --> 00:11:58,866 to hear what a proper fant-nasty sounds like. 310 00:11:58,868 --> 00:12:00,610 -Fant-nasty? -No, no, no, please don't. 311 00:12:00,612 --> 00:12:01,778 JENNY: Unsubscribe. 312 00:12:01,780 --> 00:12:04,280 ♪ 313 00:12:04,282 --> 00:12:06,132 That's that. Took care of her, 314 00:12:06,134 --> 00:12:09,227 so you are free to marry me, Dr. Senator. 315 00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:11,229 Now, why don't you make love to me 316 00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:14,048 on the hood of my car while it's still warm. 317 00:12:14,050 --> 00:12:18,795 It would be my great honor to service you sexually, Ms. Hart. 318 00:12:18,797 --> 00:12:23,116 Oh, and by the way, both Jenny and Violet are dead. 319 00:12:23,893 --> 00:12:25,660 How does it feel? 320 00:12:27,396 --> 00:12:30,231 Wayne, bro, congratulate me. 321 00:12:30,233 --> 00:12:33,309 I'm getting married... tonight! 322 00:12:33,311 --> 00:12:35,495 -You're getting married? -I met her last night. 323 00:12:35,497 --> 00:12:36,646 I think you know her. 324 00:12:36,648 --> 00:12:38,923 She's a dancer at Bud's named Emoji. 325 00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:41,334 Wow. Okay. Uh, great. 326 00:12:41,336 --> 00:12:43,987 And guess where we're gonna live? Peru. 327 00:12:43,989 --> 00:12:45,655 -Peru? -Yeah, Peru, North Carolina. 328 00:12:45,657 --> 00:12:49,325 Plus, we're moving in with Emoji's adult son. 329 00:12:49,327 --> 00:12:51,102 -Wait. What about our bar? -What bar? 330 00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:53,496 Um, the bar we're standing in? 331 00:12:53,498 --> 00:12:55,440 Oh, right. Well, I'll still help out on the weekends. 332 00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:57,016 And I'll tell you what. 333 00:12:57,018 --> 00:12:59,611 Why don't we have the wedding right here on our opening night? 334 00:12:59,613 --> 00:13:02,596 It'll be the perfect send-off for me and Emoji. 335 00:13:02,598 --> 00:13:04,616 Send-off? 336 00:13:05,844 --> 00:13:07,844 Ugh! 337 00:13:07,846 --> 00:13:09,195 Mother, can you hand me a wrench? 338 00:13:09,197 --> 00:13:11,956 I wish I could, but I am dead, so no. 339 00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:15,034 My dead-ass vapor hands cannot pick up a wrench. 340 00:13:15,036 --> 00:13:17,111 Gram, it was heightened reality. 341 00:13:17,113 --> 00:13:18,946 -You know what? I'm over this. -(truck approaching) 342 00:13:18,948 --> 00:13:20,706 Wait. Y'all can't give up now. 343 00:13:20,708 --> 00:13:22,542 We're so close. Ugh. 344 00:13:22,544 --> 00:13:26,045 -(sighs) -Jenny, grab a playful sundress. 345 00:13:26,047 --> 00:13:27,697 Travis is getting married. 346 00:13:27,699 --> 00:13:29,123 What? Oh, of course he is. 347 00:13:29,125 --> 00:13:31,125 How long has he known her, four hours? 348 00:13:31,127 --> 00:13:34,795 Uh, four-teen hours, so, way off. 349 00:13:34,797 --> 00:13:37,982 Oh, no, you're not still playing mechanic, are you? 350 00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:39,800 (gasps) What?! Okay. 351 00:13:39,802 --> 00:13:43,379 Well, are you still playing "I'm building a dumb bar"? 352 00:13:43,381 --> 00:13:46,232 Look who's talking. Ugh! So mad at you, 353 00:13:46,234 --> 00:13:48,551 but you all sweaty is also really hot. 354 00:13:48,553 --> 00:13:51,387 Well, you all mad and dressed up is pretty hot, too. 355 00:13:51,389 --> 00:13:53,314 All right. Are you coming to Travis's last-minute wedding 356 00:13:53,316 --> 00:13:55,482 or not, you greasy little hottie? 357 00:13:55,484 --> 00:13:59,912 I don't have time to get cleaned up, you friggin' smokeshow. 358 00:13:59,914 --> 00:14:02,156 Fine. You can come dirty because that's hot. 359 00:14:02,158 --> 00:14:04,158 Well, if I do manage to fix this car, 360 00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:07,011 I might just take you to the backseat, mister. 361 00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:08,346 Well, now I'm conflicted 362 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,406 because I would love to old-school get down 363 00:14:10,408 --> 00:14:12,758 in the back of a car with you, but conversely, 364 00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:14,260 I don't want you to succeed 365 00:14:14,262 --> 00:14:17,021 in fixing this murder-mobile, you smoking hottie! 366 00:14:17,023 --> 00:14:19,098 Can you guys stop yelling rage-horny things 367 00:14:19,100 --> 00:14:21,276 at each other on our front lawn?! 368 00:14:22,696 --> 00:14:24,937 ♪ 369 00:14:24,939 --> 00:14:26,680 You know what, Pierce Bro-snan? 370 00:14:26,682 --> 00:14:28,366 What, Timothée Bro-lomet? 371 00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:31,703 Having your wedding on opening night was a brilliant idea. 372 00:14:31,705 --> 00:14:33,204 Oh, man, this place is packed. 373 00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:34,989 We're gonna make so much bank tonight. 374 00:14:34,991 --> 00:14:38,618 We got this. Oh, by the way, I told everybody drinks are free. 375 00:14:38,620 --> 00:14:39,936 Wait. What? 376 00:14:39,938 --> 00:14:41,212 Love is a beautiful thing. 377 00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:43,214 I've been lucky enough to witness Emoji 378 00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:46,367 find true wedded love no less than eight times. 379 00:14:46,369 --> 00:14:47,627 (quietly): Eight times? 380 00:14:47,629 --> 00:14:49,128 Oh, and before we get to the vows, 381 00:14:49,130 --> 00:14:52,206 I would like to dedicate a ceremonial poi dance 382 00:14:52,208 --> 00:14:54,726 to the love of my past 48 hours 383 00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:56,561 -and the rest of my life. -(gasps) 384 00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:59,397 ♪ 385 00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:01,316 (crowd gasping) 386 00:15:04,479 --> 00:15:05,478 (grunts) 387 00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:06,887 Oh, my God, Dawn. 388 00:15:06,889 --> 00:15:10,650 Are you wearing a wedding dress on my wedding day? 389 00:15:10,652 --> 00:15:12,135 Well, one of us has to. 390 00:15:12,137 --> 00:15:14,153 I don't know what you call that. 391 00:15:14,155 --> 00:15:16,989 -(Dawn grunts) -(laughs) 392 00:15:16,991 --> 00:15:19,233 -(screaming) -The statue. Trav! 393 00:15:19,235 --> 00:15:21,811 -(grunting) -(glass shatters) 394 00:15:21,813 --> 00:15:22,754 (dog growling) 395 00:15:22,756 --> 00:15:25,757 (indistinct shouting) 396 00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:26,907 (yells) 397 00:15:26,909 --> 00:15:28,317 (shrieks) 398 00:15:28,319 --> 00:15:30,094 We're getting beat up, but I can't hit back 399 00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:31,671 because it's all girls. 400 00:15:31,673 --> 00:15:33,080 I know, man. 401 00:15:33,082 --> 00:15:34,098 This is an unwinnable fight. 402 00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:36,659 -(growling) -Punch the dog! 403 00:15:36,661 --> 00:15:37,994 No, she's a girl, too. 404 00:15:37,996 --> 00:15:40,104 (statue creaks, crashes) 405 00:15:44,927 --> 00:15:48,279 Wayne, bro, I am so sorry. 406 00:15:48,949 --> 00:15:51,007 Wayne, I said I'm sorry. 407 00:15:51,009 --> 00:15:53,025 I heard you. I just was trying to figure out 408 00:15:53,027 --> 00:15:54,844 if you're apologizing for this 409 00:15:54,846 --> 00:15:57,455 or-or for a whole lifetime of leaving me in the lurch. 410 00:15:57,457 --> 00:16:00,959 But then again, I'm the dumbass for thinking you've grown up. 411 00:16:00,961 --> 00:16:03,378 -Serious? -Serious. 412 00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:11,877 "You'll never fix that car. Death trap." 413 00:16:11,879 --> 00:16:13,696 Ha! Suck it, Wayne. 414 00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:18,701 I fixed it by myself, I'll drive it by myself. 415 00:16:18,703 --> 00:16:20,627 I don't need anybody. 416 00:16:20,629 --> 00:16:23,464 Looks like it's just you and me, Little Carl. 417 00:16:23,466 --> 00:16:26,651 So, guys, uh, I really want to help you fix your car, 418 00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,894 but Kathy kicked me out a few days ago, 419 00:16:28,896 --> 00:16:32,381 and I've been all alone, uh, staying at a Holiday Inn, 420 00:16:32,383 --> 00:16:35,493 and not a good one. I think it's independently owned. 421 00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:38,404 But anyways, it's, uh, really put things in perspective. 422 00:16:38,406 --> 00:16:40,832 You know, you can have all the properly working motor vehicles 423 00:16:40,834 --> 00:16:43,893 in the world, but if you don't have your family, 424 00:16:43,895 --> 00:16:45,061 what do you got? 425 00:16:45,063 --> 00:16:47,079 And Kathy Nowacek, and my kids, 426 00:16:47,081 --> 00:16:48,414 if you're watching this right now, 427 00:16:48,416 --> 00:16:50,066 I want you to know I love ya. 428 00:16:50,068 --> 00:16:51,567 Go ahead and smash that "like" button 429 00:16:51,569 --> 00:16:53,660 and subscribe if you'd like more videos. 430 00:16:53,662 --> 00:16:56,088 Oh, Carl, you're so right. 431 00:16:56,090 --> 00:16:58,349 Now I'm talking to Little Carl. 432 00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:01,093 (horn honking) 433 00:17:01,095 --> 00:17:03,763 Y'all, I did it. I fixed the CRX. 434 00:17:03,765 --> 00:17:06,190 -What the hell?! -You fixed it? On your own? 435 00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:08,192 But Little Carl's right: a car's worthless 436 00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:10,028 if you can't enjoy it with your family. 437 00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:12,196 All I want right now is to take a ride 438 00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:14,866 with the two most important people in my life. 439 00:17:14,868 --> 00:17:16,367 You know what, Jenny? 440 00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:19,612 I fantasize about you dying sometimes, too. 441 00:17:19,614 --> 00:17:21,021 Same. For both of you. 442 00:17:21,023 --> 00:17:23,875 Hey, it's the tie that binds. 443 00:17:23,877 --> 00:17:25,768 -(engine starts) -Okay. 444 00:17:25,770 --> 00:17:28,271 Mom, there's a disturbing amount 445 00:17:28,273 --> 00:17:29,547 of spare pieces back here. 446 00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:31,774 Yeah, those parts are just like when you buy a coat 447 00:17:31,776 --> 00:17:32,958 at Burlington, and they give you 448 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,443 a few extra buttons in the pocket. 449 00:17:34,445 --> 00:17:37,463 You don't need 'em. Now sit back and enjoy the ride. 450 00:17:37,465 --> 00:17:40,800 -♪ Rollin' down the street ♪ -(horn honking) 451 00:17:40,802 --> 00:17:42,785 ♪ Sippin' on gin and ju... ♪ 452 00:17:42,787 --> 00:17:44,804 -(loud bang) -(gasps) Ah! 453 00:17:44,806 --> 00:17:46,713 (all yelling) 454 00:17:46,715 --> 00:17:47,957 -(glass shatters) -(tire pops) 455 00:17:47,959 --> 00:17:49,233 -Uh... -(gasps) The brakes. 456 00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:51,718 The brakes don't work. I mean, they're fixed-- 457 00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:53,479 hello-- but they're not working! 458 00:17:53,481 --> 00:17:56,890 And we're headed straight towards Dead Man's Intersection! 459 00:17:56,892 --> 00:18:00,303 (all screaming) 460 00:18:00,305 --> 00:18:01,728 (screaming continues) 461 00:18:01,730 --> 00:18:03,973 (tires squealing) 462 00:18:03,975 --> 00:18:05,491 (engine revving) 463 00:18:05,493 --> 00:18:08,902 -(all screaming) -(tires squealing) 464 00:18:08,904 --> 00:18:10,162 Oh, my God, Wayne. Thank you! 465 00:18:10,164 --> 00:18:13,424 Stop talking and get out of that thing! 466 00:18:15,578 --> 00:18:18,513 Oh, so these are brakes? 467 00:18:22,510 --> 00:18:24,251 Oh, boy, here it goes. 468 00:18:24,662 --> 00:18:28,331 Mr. Bigsby, I owe you the world's biggest "my bad." 469 00:18:28,333 --> 00:18:29,682 I fell under the spell 470 00:18:29,684 --> 00:18:31,109 of this old friend of mine, and chasing 471 00:18:31,111 --> 00:18:33,185 some dumb fantasy that he was never gonna help me with. 472 00:18:33,187 --> 00:18:35,446 But not all childhood dreams are meant to come true, sir. 473 00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:39,508 Otherwise, there'd be way more fireman cowboy astronauts. 474 00:18:39,510 --> 00:18:41,786 Anyway, I am sorry that I quit. 475 00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:43,346 You're quitting? Right now?! 476 00:18:43,348 --> 00:18:45,681 No. No, no, no, no. I-I-I'm actually... 477 00:18:45,683 --> 00:18:46,824 He doesn't remember. 478 00:18:46,826 --> 00:18:48,793 He's got, like, stage 12 dementia. 479 00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:51,612 Uh, okay. So... forget it? 480 00:18:51,614 --> 00:18:53,022 I guess he already has. 481 00:18:53,024 --> 00:18:54,465 So he's not quitting? 482 00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:55,449 No, sir. I'm not. 483 00:18:55,451 --> 00:18:57,969 Good, 'cause I hate quitters. 484 00:18:57,971 --> 00:19:00,045 You know what else quit on me? 485 00:19:00,047 --> 00:19:03,808 My legs. But I didn't quit on them! 486 00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:07,036 -(humming cancan tune) -PETER (over P.A.): Attention. 487 00:19:07,038 --> 00:19:09,129 We've got ourselves a shed squatter on aisle ten. 488 00:19:09,131 --> 00:19:10,797 I'm on it! 489 00:19:10,799 --> 00:19:12,132 All right, pal. 490 00:19:12,134 --> 00:19:14,468 If you lie in it, you're buying it. Come on out. 491 00:19:14,470 --> 00:19:15,987 Trav? 492 00:19:15,989 --> 00:19:17,822 What the heck, man? Are you living in here? 493 00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:19,640 What?! 494 00:19:19,642 --> 00:19:21,975 No way, man. I'm just chillin' in here. 495 00:19:21,977 --> 00:19:23,828 Okay, yeah, I'm totally living in this shed. 496 00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:28,724 Emoji divorced me. She said wedding fires were bad luck. 497 00:19:28,726 --> 00:19:30,893 But you're living the dream. 498 00:19:30,895 --> 00:19:32,819 No, you're living the dream. 499 00:19:32,821 --> 00:19:34,763 You got family and love. 500 00:19:34,765 --> 00:19:36,899 (voice breaking): All I got is my fading smile. 501 00:19:36,901 --> 00:19:40,511 And that pays less and less with each passing year. 502 00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:42,513 I'd only been in Hollywood for a minute 503 00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:45,090 when things got desperate real fast. 504 00:19:45,092 --> 00:19:47,760 Oh, come on, man. It couldn't have been that bad. 505 00:19:47,762 --> 00:19:51,338 (cries) I did a porno, man! 506 00:19:51,340 --> 00:19:53,265 (sobbing) 507 00:19:53,267 --> 00:19:54,417 And it was bad. 508 00:19:54,419 --> 00:19:57,028 It had no story, and it was super gross. 509 00:19:57,030 --> 00:19:59,755 I mean, I'm not that OCD about cleanliness, 510 00:19:59,757 --> 00:20:01,014 but they don't even try 511 00:20:01,016 --> 00:20:04,535 to provide a clean working environment, Wayne. 512 00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,095 You're gonna be okay. 513 00:20:06,097 --> 00:20:07,947 You can crash at my place. 514 00:20:07,949 --> 00:20:09,598 Thanks, Wayne. (sniffles) 515 00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:12,693 I mean, it wasn't like it had no story. 516 00:20:12,695 --> 00:20:13,953 It did have a story. 517 00:20:13,955 --> 00:20:15,379 I was a personal trainer, but somehow, 518 00:20:15,381 --> 00:20:17,957 on this particular day, I was quadruple booked. 519 00:20:17,959 --> 00:20:20,051 See, I'm drawn in. 520 00:20:21,796 --> 00:20:23,221 There's no way 521 00:20:23,223 --> 00:20:25,706 you could give us a slightly sweeter pre-owned deal? 522 00:20:25,708 --> 00:20:28,709 I'm afraid I've gone down as far as I can go. 523 00:20:28,711 --> 00:20:32,897 Oh, my God, are you Travis from Courtney Love's Loves? 524 00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:34,565 Guilty as charged. 525 00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:36,141 Hon, come into my office. 526 00:20:36,143 --> 00:20:38,736 We're gonna hook your friends up with a real sweet deal. 527 00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:41,814 Smile's not fading as fast as I formerly thought. 528 00:20:41,816 --> 00:20:43,632 Honey, it's not the smile. 529 00:20:43,634 --> 00:20:46,535 It's that tight little badonk-ah-dunkah. 530 00:20:53,978 --> 00:20:56,087 Thanks for hookin' yourself out, Travis. 531 00:20:56,089 --> 00:20:58,422 Oh, yeah. Thanks for hookin' yourself out. 532 00:20:58,424 --> 00:21:00,925 No thanks needed. Y'all are family. 533 00:21:00,927 --> 00:21:02,334 (engine starts) 534 00:21:02,336 --> 00:21:04,578 ("Gin and Juice" by Snoop Doggy Dogg plays) 535 00:21:04,580 --> 00:21:05,763 I love you, man. 536 00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:07,323 I love you, too, man. 537 00:21:07,325 --> 00:21:10,326 Hey, Wayne, do me a favor and don't google that porn. 538 00:21:10,328 --> 00:21:13,178 -Yeah, kind of already did. -No! Come on. 539 00:21:13,180 --> 00:21:15,164 I wanted to know how your character 540 00:21:15,166 --> 00:21:17,166 sorted out that scheduling snafu. 541 00:21:17,168 --> 00:21:19,426 And you handled it like a champ. 542 00:21:19,428 --> 00:21:20,945 Thanks, man. 543 00:21:20,947 --> 00:21:23,764 ♪ Rollin' down the street ♪ 544 00:21:23,766 --> 00:21:25,858 (horn honking) 545 00:21:25,860 --> 00:21:28,452 ♪ Sippin' on gin and juice. ♪ 546 00:21:29,514 --> 00:21:31,271 -(meows) -(horn honks musically) 547 00:21:31,273 --> 00:21:33,682 Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT 548 00:21:33,684 --> 00:21:35,042 and TOYOTA.