1 00:00:04,163 --> 00:00:06,988 Brenda, what are you doing? Louise is back from her cruise. 2 00:00:07,091 --> 00:00:09,416 She's parking her car right now. 3 00:00:09,568 --> 00:00:11,902 -Wait, Louise has been gone? -Yes. For a week. 4 00:00:11,962 --> 00:00:14,071 Wait, you were about to do four shots of tequila 5 00:00:14,131 --> 00:00:15,906 and you thought she was fully here? 6 00:00:15,966 --> 00:00:18,408 -It's my lunch break. -It's 10:00 a.m. 7 00:00:18,469 --> 00:00:21,245 I have low blood sugar, Jenny. 8 00:00:21,263 --> 00:00:23,355 Louise. Are you okay? 9 00:00:23,548 --> 00:00:26,083 (moans) It's Daniel. 10 00:00:26,185 --> 00:00:28,085 He... (crying) 11 00:00:28,145 --> 00:00:30,845 Ugh, let me guess, that clod-pole got called away 12 00:00:30,906 --> 00:00:33,440 in the middle of a cruise for some "businessman thing," 13 00:00:33,592 --> 00:00:35,683 and left you all alone for the rest of the trip? 14 00:00:35,786 --> 00:00:37,202 You know what, Louise? It's time. 15 00:00:37,354 --> 00:00:39,020 The gloves are off. 16 00:00:39,123 --> 00:00:42,207 Daniel is a grade-A country club booty squirt. 17 00:00:42,359 --> 00:00:43,784 He's a jerk, and you need to drop that flaccid, 18 00:00:43,878 --> 00:00:45,269 dead-eyed pee-hole. 19 00:00:45,287 --> 00:00:46,620 It wasn't his fault. 20 00:00:46,756 --> 00:00:48,863 Oh, right. It wasn't his fault. 21 00:00:48,924 --> 00:00:50,624 Will you just stop making excuses for him, Louise? 22 00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:53,552 Brenda's right. He is a worthless, flat-butted... 23 00:00:53,703 --> 00:00:55,946 -But he... -No, no, no. Let me finish. Coffee-breathed... 24 00:00:55,964 --> 00:00:57,614 -But... -...biscuit-faced, wet... 25 00:00:57,674 --> 00:01:00,133 -But y'all... -...paper towel filled with pubes. 26 00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:01,510 Daniel's dead. 27 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:02,877 (crying) 28 00:01:02,938 --> 00:01:03,970 -(sighs) -Oh. 29 00:01:04,065 --> 00:01:06,106 ♪ ♪ 30 00:01:33,785 --> 00:01:37,337 BRENDA: I'm just gonna come out and say what everyone's thinking. 31 00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:39,932 This is a funeral for a turd. No, not even. 32 00:01:40,125 --> 00:01:43,343 I've had actual turds that were harder to let go of. 33 00:01:43,495 --> 00:01:45,829 Brenda, be nice. Louise loved him. 34 00:01:45,889 --> 00:01:47,606 God only knows why. 35 00:01:47,757 --> 00:01:49,090 Yeah, even I'm having a hard time 36 00:01:49,110 --> 00:01:50,517 mustering up any waterworks for Daniel. 37 00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:52,260 Gonna have to use my go-to: 38 00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:54,929 thinking about the first 15 minutes of Pixar's Up. 39 00:01:54,990 --> 00:01:57,616 Oh, Lord, here it comes. 40 00:01:57,809 --> 00:02:01,194 That old man, so alone, missing his wife. 41 00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:04,790 She's so barren. Ugh, damn it, I took it too far. 42 00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:07,442 -(crying) -LOUISE: Welcome, y'all. 43 00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:11,371 As you know, we are forced to have this bodyless funeral 44 00:02:11,523 --> 00:02:14,466 because poor old Daniel fell off the side of a cruise ship 45 00:02:14,659 --> 00:02:17,636 and his remains have probably moved all the way 46 00:02:17,829 --> 00:02:19,863 through the food chain by now. 47 00:02:19,882 --> 00:02:25,552 What will I miss most about Daniel Hunter Gunnar Culp III? 48 00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:28,388 Well, his smile, for sure. 49 00:02:28,540 --> 00:02:31,208 But also, his warm, sexual touch. 50 00:02:31,268 --> 00:02:34,319 We had movie-quality love-making. 51 00:02:34,512 --> 00:02:36,989 And by that I mean, whenever we made love, 52 00:02:37,182 --> 00:02:40,384 he would have to watch a movie. 53 00:02:40,402 --> 00:02:42,494 Like Wild Things 1 through 4, 54 00:02:42,687 --> 00:02:44,738 or anything with Ellen Barkin. 55 00:02:44,890 --> 00:02:46,814 I wanted to show y'all a video 56 00:02:46,876 --> 00:02:48,167 of me and Daniel's life together, 57 00:02:48,318 --> 00:02:50,727 but I'm no good at computers, 58 00:02:50,787 --> 00:02:53,488 so I'm just gonna show you these pictures off my phone 59 00:02:53,591 --> 00:02:55,823 while playing his very favorite song. 60 00:02:55,885 --> 00:02:57,843 ("Virtual Insanity" playing) 61 00:02:58,036 --> 00:02:59,327 Can you see it? Can you see it? 62 00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:00,404 Okay, you two lean in. 63 00:03:00,422 --> 00:03:03,015 All right, can you see it now? 64 00:03:03,208 --> 00:03:05,333 I am so sorry for your loss, 65 00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:07,853 but I can't wait to deliver your bereavement benefits 66 00:03:08,046 --> 00:03:09,671 in four to six weeks. 67 00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:13,841 Oh, Norma, I'm so lost without my love muffin. 68 00:03:13,903 --> 00:03:16,253 Oh, look at that big phony. 69 00:03:16,313 --> 00:03:17,845 Excuse me? 70 00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:20,048 Big phony Louise with her crocodile tears. 71 00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:23,184 -She's a stone-cold murderer. -David. David. 72 00:03:23,245 --> 00:03:25,037 Turn around, you're missing something good. 73 00:03:25,188 --> 00:03:29,449 So, Gram, I'm so sorry, did you say Louise Culp is a murderer? 74 00:03:29,601 --> 00:03:31,768 Oh, quit clutching your pearls, Vi. 75 00:03:31,828 --> 00:03:34,362 It's about time you learned how the real world works. 76 00:03:34,423 --> 00:03:36,581 You walk around in a butterscotch dreamland 77 00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:38,050 where no one you know is a murderer. 78 00:03:38,219 --> 00:03:41,053 Louise 100% killed Daniel. 79 00:03:41,222 --> 00:03:43,055 Tell us more about this theory. 80 00:03:43,224 --> 00:03:45,057 It's not a theory, it's a fact. 81 00:03:45,250 --> 00:03:48,393 No one dies of natural causes on a cruise. 82 00:03:48,586 --> 00:03:50,620 It's a murderers' paradise. 83 00:03:50,639 --> 00:03:52,289 You're out in international waters, 84 00:03:52,349 --> 00:03:53,957 every man for himself. 85 00:03:53,976 --> 00:03:55,550 That's how Rose got away with murdering Jack. 86 00:03:55,611 --> 00:03:57,143 Watch the movie. 87 00:03:57,238 --> 00:03:58,886 (gasps) I could listen to Betty Hart 88 00:03:58,989 --> 00:04:01,889 talk about murder all day long. 89 00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:03,650 (gasps) So could everyone. 90 00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,318 David, we owe it to the world 91 00:04:05,454 --> 00:04:08,655 to turn her insane ramblings into a podcast. 92 00:04:08,791 --> 00:04:11,324 Oh my God, even if we recorded the little bit she just said, 93 00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:13,660 and put some marimba music behind it, 94 00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:16,421 that's already, like, six episodes. 95 00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:19,741 Mmm. Oh, Lord. Mmm. 96 00:04:19,802 --> 00:04:23,077 Y'all, now, Jenny, you better hold Wayne tight tonight 97 00:04:23,097 --> 00:04:24,671 and give him your best loving, 98 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:27,582 'cause y'all don't know how lucky you are. 99 00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:30,918 Okay, well, we will take that under advisement. 100 00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:34,347 I mean, really get in there and go to town on each other. 101 00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:35,682 Will do. 102 00:04:35,818 --> 00:04:38,184 -Damn. -I feel sorry for her. 103 00:04:38,279 --> 00:04:40,837 Louise has never been without a man in her life. 104 00:04:40,897 --> 00:04:42,930 Who knows? Maybe in the long run, this will be good. 105 00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:44,766 Maybe she'll learn she doesn't need to define herself 106 00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,359 through a man. 107 00:04:46,453 --> 00:04:49,121 -("Virtual Insanity" playing) -My man is gone, y'all. 108 00:04:49,290 --> 00:04:51,014 I'm nothing without my man. 109 00:04:51,074 --> 00:04:53,016 I'm not even a person, y'all. 110 00:04:53,118 --> 00:04:55,368 Okay, a-week-ago me was wrong. 111 00:04:55,521 --> 00:04:58,371 How's everyone doing tonight? Can I tell y'all the specials? 112 00:04:58,465 --> 00:05:02,375 (crying): I'd like to tell you who was really special. 113 00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:04,636 My Daniel. 114 00:05:04,829 --> 00:05:06,530 But now he's fish food. 115 00:05:06,590 --> 00:05:08,473 He's dead. 116 00:05:08,666 --> 00:05:09,716 (wails) 117 00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,868 (crying) 118 00:05:11,887 --> 00:05:13,961 There goes another table of tips. 119 00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:15,296 This is a nightmare. 120 00:05:15,399 --> 00:05:16,481 She's scaring away all the customers. 121 00:05:16,674 --> 00:05:18,984 Daniel's dead. 122 00:05:19,153 --> 00:05:22,712 This is where Daniel used to eat. 123 00:05:22,773 --> 00:05:25,324 Daniel peed in here. 124 00:05:25,517 --> 00:05:29,386 Get out of there. This is Daniel's favorite booth. 125 00:05:29,446 --> 00:05:32,956 He used to eat in here, but now he's dead. 126 00:05:34,785 --> 00:05:36,393 ("Virtual Insanity" ends) 127 00:05:36,411 --> 00:05:37,577 Thank God. 128 00:05:37,729 --> 00:05:38,670 ("Virtual Insanity" starts playing) 129 00:05:38,863 --> 00:05:40,397 (both groan) 130 00:05:40,415 --> 00:05:41,748 (marimba music playing) 131 00:05:41,884 --> 00:05:43,567 VIOLET: Imagine a long-married couple 132 00:05:43,627 --> 00:05:45,235 boarding a cruise. 133 00:05:45,253 --> 00:05:47,087 They're in good spirits, hit the buffet. 134 00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:48,663 They end the night with a stroll, 135 00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:50,073 neither of them knowing this moment 136 00:05:50,133 --> 00:05:51,257 will be their last together. 137 00:05:51,352 --> 00:05:53,760 Unless one of them did. 138 00:05:53,912 --> 00:05:56,688 I'm Violet Hart. And this is Danslaughter: Port of Fall. 139 00:05:56,840 --> 00:06:00,174 I'm David Brito, and with us today is Betty Hart. 140 00:06:00,235 --> 00:06:03,086 Now, Betty, I understand you have a few theories 141 00:06:03,188 --> 00:06:06,013 about what happened on Louise's recent cruise? 142 00:06:06,075 --> 00:06:08,182 Theories are for nerds and climate scientists. 143 00:06:08,243 --> 00:06:11,761 I have facts. Here's exactly how it went down. 144 00:06:11,822 --> 00:06:15,432 It was early evening on board the Festival Breeze, 145 00:06:15,492 --> 00:06:18,284 captained by a sturdy Spaniard named Javier 146 00:06:18,379 --> 00:06:20,787 with a full head of salt and pepper hair 147 00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:22,939 and the thighs of a Greek god. 148 00:06:22,999 --> 00:06:24,365 VIOLET: Gram, stick to the murder. 149 00:06:24,426 --> 00:06:25,867 It's called color, Vi. 150 00:06:25,928 --> 00:06:28,111 Let me do what I do. 151 00:06:28,171 --> 00:06:30,113 Daniel and Louise were sharing drinks 152 00:06:30,173 --> 00:06:32,298 in the Pink Coral Lounge. 153 00:06:32,393 --> 00:06:36,620 But little did Daniel know that he was being overserved. 154 00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:39,456 To the point of going overboar. 155 00:06:39,516 --> 00:06:42,142 Pun intended. Cut to the Lido deck. 156 00:06:42,294 --> 00:06:44,477 She did the old "Oh, look, doesn't that dolphin 157 00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:46,796 look just like Charlton Heston" 158 00:06:46,815 --> 00:06:49,056 Then push, push, splash, splas, chomp, chomp, 159 00:06:49,118 --> 00:06:51,243 jump into the conga line as an alibi. 160 00:06:51,394 --> 00:06:52,986 ♪ Dun, dun, dun, dun, here the whole time ♪ 161 00:06:53,138 --> 00:06:54,913 ♪ Dun, dun, dun, dun, perfect crime. ♪ 162 00:06:55,064 --> 00:06:56,564 You really think Louise killed her husband 163 00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:58,232 -on a cruise ship? -Shh! 164 00:06:58,252 --> 00:07:01,494 Fact: 90% of people that go on cruises do not return. 165 00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:03,329 Fact: There are more dead bodies 166 00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:05,331 floating in the ocean than plastic. 167 00:07:05,426 --> 00:07:08,242 Fact: We lost more Americans last year in "cruise pushings" 168 00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:10,512 than we did in all of Vietnam. 169 00:07:11,623 --> 00:07:13,432 So with no motive, zero evidence 170 00:07:13,625 --> 00:07:16,101 and some massively inaccurate facts about the ocean, 171 00:07:16,294 --> 00:07:19,271 you feel comfortable labeling Louise Culp a murderer? 172 00:07:19,464 --> 00:07:22,232 I do. Case closed. 173 00:07:25,061 --> 00:07:28,280 And that's not all. I have a strong foreboding 174 00:07:28,473 --> 00:07:30,857 that the Grove Nursing Home Nighty-Night Strangler 175 00:07:31,009 --> 00:07:32,358 is none other than... 176 00:07:32,453 --> 00:07:34,286 Chuck Bryson! 177 00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:36,121 David, lock him up. 178 00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:40,533 Whoa, Gram. You just solved a different murder? 179 00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:42,294 Oh, yeah. I've solved hundreds, 180 00:07:42,487 --> 00:07:45,038 if not thousands, of other murders. 181 00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:47,132 Great. Tune in tomorrow to find out 182 00:07:47,283 --> 00:07:49,283 who else is guilty of murder. 183 00:07:49,386 --> 00:07:51,619 Will it be... you? 184 00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:53,638 Ooh, good one. 185 00:07:55,642 --> 00:07:57,033 WAYNE: Hey, babe. 186 00:07:57,093 --> 00:07:58,885 Just came by for a quick bite. 187 00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:00,370 They cleared all those trees out 188 00:08:00,388 --> 00:08:01,646 to extend the Sedgefield Cemetery, 189 00:08:01,798 --> 00:08:03,389 (chuckles): and it is good and muddy. 190 00:08:03,484 --> 00:08:05,225 So the boys and I are gonna go off-roading 191 00:08:05,377 --> 00:08:06,651 before it gets filled up with bodies. 192 00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,878 Oh, no. Okay. Should I call the tow truck now, 193 00:08:08,897 --> 00:08:10,489 or wait until you call me saying you got stuck? 194 00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:12,324 (laughs): Jenny, I'm not gonna get stuck. 195 00:08:12,517 --> 00:08:13,717 You always get stuck. 196 00:08:13,818 --> 00:08:14,976 I am not getting stuck. 197 00:08:15,037 --> 00:08:16,310 I just got a winch. 198 00:08:16,330 --> 00:08:17,887 For when you get stuck? 199 00:08:17,906 --> 00:08:19,906 No! That's for when somebody else gets stuck. 200 00:08:20,058 --> 00:08:22,483 You can't pull your own self out, Jenny. 201 00:08:22,503 --> 00:08:23,727 So you are gonna get stuck? 202 00:08:23,787 --> 00:08:25,245 I am not having this conversation. 203 00:08:25,397 --> 00:08:26,838 LOUISE: Daniel, look. 204 00:08:27,031 --> 00:08:29,082 (exhales) Dang. I know it's still fresh, but... 205 00:08:29,234 --> 00:08:32,493 Louise looks rough. Is she doing okay? 206 00:08:32,513 --> 00:08:34,404 JENNY: She's trying to feed a fried shrimp to a pillow. 207 00:08:34,464 --> 00:08:36,072 Does that seem okay to you? 208 00:08:36,174 --> 00:08:38,742 Louise, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. 209 00:08:38,802 --> 00:08:41,335 You just let me know if you need anything. 210 00:08:41,396 --> 00:08:42,687 Oh, thank you. 211 00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:44,689 I'll be fine. I'm just gonna go home 212 00:08:44,841 --> 00:08:48,418 and eat a Go-Gurt for dinner, since my oven's broken. 213 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:50,420 Well, I can fix that oven for you. 214 00:08:50,522 --> 00:08:52,088 (sobbing) 215 00:08:52,190 --> 00:08:53,773 (sniffling) 216 00:08:53,925 --> 00:08:55,516 Just let me know when's a good time to stop by. 217 00:08:55,577 --> 00:08:56,684 How's right now? 218 00:08:56,787 --> 00:08:58,428 Oh. Uh, right now? 219 00:08:58,488 --> 00:09:00,187 It's a date! 220 00:09:00,249 --> 00:09:02,374 Okay, now I'm stuck. 221 00:09:06,588 --> 00:09:08,938 Oh, thank you, Wayne. 222 00:09:08,957 --> 00:09:10,957 This pilot light's always broken. 223 00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,551 I can't tell you the amount of times 224 00:09:12,702 --> 00:09:14,719 I'd come home to find my Daniel, 225 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:18,039 his head in there, trying to fix it. 226 00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:20,283 He'd pull his head out, looking all depressed, 227 00:09:20,302 --> 00:09:21,634 and then say, "I give up." 228 00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:23,453 Okay, all fixed. 229 00:09:23,513 --> 00:09:25,305 I hope you feel a little better. 230 00:09:25,457 --> 00:09:27,399 Now I'm gonna go get some mud on my tires. 231 00:09:27,592 --> 00:09:29,550 LOUISE: Oh, hang on, boyfriend. 232 00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:33,296 Can I bother you to replace a couple of burnt-out light bulbs? 233 00:09:33,315 --> 00:09:35,073 Oh, sure. I-I have some in my truck. 234 00:09:35,266 --> 00:09:37,409 Oh, that's smart. 235 00:09:37,560 --> 00:09:39,744 You save yourself the overnight trip. 236 00:09:39,937 --> 00:09:42,080 -What? -When you have to drive to the light bulb store 237 00:09:42,273 --> 00:09:43,748 that's four hours away, 238 00:09:43,941 --> 00:09:46,067 so eight hours total travel time. 239 00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,735 No, they got 'em at Bigsby's. 240 00:09:47,796 --> 00:09:50,496 Oh, what? I sure wish Daniel would have known that. 241 00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:53,817 He was gone all the time on long light bulb runs. 242 00:09:53,918 --> 00:09:54,818 Wow. 243 00:09:54,919 --> 00:09:56,002 Leaving me all alone 244 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,597 in this big ol' house by myself. 245 00:09:58,748 --> 00:10:01,491 Now it feels like he's on a permanent light bulb run. 246 00:10:01,509 --> 00:10:02,992 To heaven. 247 00:10:03,011 --> 00:10:05,586 This house is just so big and lonely lately, 248 00:10:05,647 --> 00:10:07,163 and that's not a knock on poor people 249 00:10:07,223 --> 00:10:09,274 with little tee-tiny houses. 250 00:10:09,467 --> 00:10:12,185 This is just a big ol' house, y'all. 251 00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:13,503 What are you doing? 252 00:10:13,563 --> 00:10:15,004 Uh, nothing. 253 00:10:15,023 --> 00:10:16,615 (chuckles nervously): I'm just listening. Why? 254 00:10:16,808 --> 00:10:18,766 Well, I thought you would've walked out by now. 255 00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:21,453 Or at least be watching pro fishing on your phone. 256 00:10:21,646 --> 00:10:23,455 That's what Daniel always did. 257 00:10:23,648 --> 00:10:25,957 He was such a great multitasker. 258 00:10:26,109 --> 00:10:28,293 (sighs): Oh, no. You're going through a hard time. 259 00:10:28,486 --> 00:10:30,444 Just trying to lend an ear. 260 00:10:30,464 --> 00:10:33,539 Could I ask you for one more favor? 261 00:10:33,634 --> 00:10:37,043 Would you mind coming up to my bedroom? 262 00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:39,721 ♪ ♪ 263 00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:43,032 Could you just open 264 00:10:43,051 --> 00:10:45,292 that nightstand drawer? 265 00:10:45,354 --> 00:10:48,480 What I need is in there. 266 00:10:57,366 --> 00:11:00,116 ♪ 267 00:11:07,726 --> 00:11:09,650 Yeah, she made me brush her hair. 268 00:11:09,753 --> 00:11:10,835 What? 269 00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:12,729 Oh, I'm so sorry, Wayne. 270 00:11:12,789 --> 00:11:14,488 Sorry who? 'Cause according to her, 271 00:11:14,549 --> 00:11:15,915 my name's not Wayne anymore. 272 00:11:16,067 --> 00:11:18,159 It's BoogerBear. And she's BooBear. 273 00:11:18,220 --> 00:11:20,661 And BooBear already wants me to come back tomorrow. 274 00:11:20,722 --> 00:11:23,272 Oh, Jenny, I feel so bad for her, 275 00:11:23,341 --> 00:11:24,590 but I can't go back there. 276 00:11:24,685 --> 00:11:26,333 Oh, honey, you've helped enough. 277 00:11:26,395 --> 00:11:28,594 And you deserve to go have fun and go off-roading 278 00:11:28,747 --> 00:11:30,188 and get stuck in the mud with your buddies. 279 00:11:30,339 --> 00:11:32,506 -We do not get stuck. -You will totally get stuck. 280 00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:34,250 I'll talk to Louise tomorrow 281 00:11:34,310 --> 00:11:35,509 and tell her you can't go back there. 282 00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:36,920 Okay, thanks. 283 00:11:37,021 --> 00:11:38,755 -And, Jenny? -Yeah? 284 00:11:38,857 --> 00:11:42,183 I feel like I should brush your hair just to make it right. 285 00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:43,868 I don't know what I'm making right, but just... 286 00:11:44,020 --> 00:11:45,537 I got your hairbrush. 287 00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:49,432 BRENDA: Well, on the plus side, 288 00:11:49,492 --> 00:11:52,618 your hair looks extra shiny today. 289 00:11:52,771 --> 00:11:54,361 Yeah, Louise got way too creep-a-do 290 00:11:54,423 --> 00:11:55,788 with Wayne last night. 291 00:11:55,882 --> 00:11:57,531 I got to tell her he's not available. 292 00:11:57,592 --> 00:11:59,384 Rip the Band-Aid off no matter how depressed she seems. 293 00:11:59,553 --> 00:12:01,553 Cock-a-doodle-doo, doo-doo-doo. 294 00:12:01,722 --> 00:12:04,038 It's a beautiful morning, y'all. 295 00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:06,558 Now, let's get some different tunes up in here. 296 00:12:06,751 --> 00:12:09,452 ♪ I'm ♪ 297 00:12:09,471 --> 00:12:12,138 ♪ Gonna soak up the sun... ♪ 298 00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:14,474 Oh, Jenny, don't you worry 299 00:12:14,568 --> 00:12:16,142 about Windexing the menus. 300 00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:17,902 I can do that. And, Brenda, 301 00:12:18,054 --> 00:12:20,221 you don't have to shoo out the ceiling possum today. 302 00:12:20,323 --> 00:12:22,648 I say live and let live, y'all. 303 00:12:22,784 --> 00:12:25,134 Oh, it's so good to see your face again, Louise. 304 00:12:25,153 --> 00:12:27,228 -Um, I need to talk to you about... -I just want 305 00:12:27,289 --> 00:12:30,731 to thank you for lending me your man, Jenny. 306 00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:32,900 Oh, well, I wouldn't describe it that way. 307 00:12:32,994 --> 00:12:34,902 Well, whatever you want to call it, 308 00:12:34,963 --> 00:12:37,663 I just want to give you this little thank-you. 309 00:12:37,816 --> 00:12:39,649 It's a gift card to Sephora! 310 00:12:39,751 --> 00:12:42,819 It's almost like money. But it's not, right? 311 00:12:42,921 --> 00:12:45,488 I mean, it's not "payment for Wayne." (chuckles) 312 00:12:45,507 --> 00:12:47,414 Oh, you wrote "Payment for Wayne" 313 00:12:47,476 --> 00:12:48,658 right on the gift card. Right there. 314 00:12:48,718 --> 00:12:50,660 (laughs) That's terrific. 315 00:12:50,678 --> 00:12:53,271 So, Jenny, what did you need to talk to me about? 316 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:57,183 Um, I was just gonna say about Wayne, 317 00:12:57,319 --> 00:12:59,836 uh, I'll send him back over later. 318 00:12:59,896 --> 00:13:02,505 And, Brenda, I'm feeling so good, 319 00:13:02,565 --> 00:13:04,340 I got you one, too. 320 00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:06,175 (chuckles): Wow. I can't wait to find out 321 00:13:06,194 --> 00:13:09,195 what it feels like to not steal from that place. 322 00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:11,681 BETTY: The murderer in the Willow Glen case 323 00:13:11,741 --> 00:13:13,182 was none other 324 00:13:13,284 --> 00:13:15,868 than Greenpoint's own Darryl Ozment. 325 00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:18,445 Pastor by day, slasher by night. 326 00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:20,706 Case closed. Murder solved. 327 00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:23,026 That makes 60 cases in three episodes. 328 00:13:23,086 --> 00:13:24,451 Perfectly solved. 329 00:13:24,554 --> 00:13:26,546 All murderers, please report to jail. 330 00:13:26,698 --> 00:13:28,881 David, fill up that cellblock. 331 00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:30,558 (cell door closes) 332 00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:35,705 Hey, you're the podcast guys. Love it! 333 00:13:35,723 --> 00:13:38,391 -Guilty! Cha-chunk! -Your grandma's a hit. 334 00:13:38,527 --> 00:13:41,653 Doing a true crime podcast is super easy 335 00:13:41,822 --> 00:13:43,304 when the crimes don't have to be true. 336 00:13:43,365 --> 00:13:44,656 Violet and David, 337 00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:46,140 can I talk to you for a sec? 338 00:13:46,201 --> 00:13:47,808 You want some podcast swag? 339 00:13:47,869 --> 00:13:49,385 All right, we're out of T-shirts, 340 00:13:49,487 --> 00:13:52,388 -but I have a visor. -I don't want a visor. 341 00:13:52,407 --> 00:13:54,740 Your grandmother accused me of murdering an entire sorority 342 00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:56,817 execution-style in 1989? 343 00:13:56,878 --> 00:13:58,336 -Uh... -Uh... 344 00:13:58,529 --> 00:14:00,096 -We're so, so, so sorry. -So, so sorry. We know 345 00:14:00,098 --> 00:14:01,581 you didn't murder anyone, but if you did, 346 00:14:01,733 --> 00:14:02,841 -no judgment. -So sorry we accused you of murder. 347 00:14:02,992 --> 00:14:03,842 Now, I know I shouldn't be mad at you. 348 00:14:03,993 --> 00:14:05,418 I should be praying for you, 349 00:14:05,570 --> 00:14:07,086 'cause your grandmother is crazy as the day is long, 350 00:14:07,238 --> 00:14:08,680 and I've known her forever, 351 00:14:08,831 --> 00:14:10,423 and it's always been just one thing after another. 352 00:14:10,559 --> 00:14:12,499 And I can't help it if Tom Taggert took me 353 00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:14,243 to the Hall & Oates concert instead of her. 354 00:14:14,304 --> 00:14:15,353 And Lord forgive me, but tell her 355 00:14:15,546 --> 00:14:16,596 to shut her fat face, 356 00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:18,081 -or I'm gonna sue. -(gasps) 357 00:14:18,141 --> 00:14:20,416 (door opens, closes) 358 00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:24,195 Mm, that was rough. Is this what guilt feels like? 359 00:14:24,388 --> 00:14:26,347 I know. I feel awful. 360 00:14:26,408 --> 00:14:28,274 But it'll be fine. She's overreacting. 361 00:14:28,426 --> 00:14:30,259 Everyone else knows it's just harmless fun. 362 00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:31,961 Plus, nobody's listening. 363 00:14:31,988 --> 00:14:34,355 Hey, you little turds! Tell your grandma 364 00:14:34,416 --> 00:14:36,782 I didn't lure a drifter into my van with cigarettes, 365 00:14:36,935 --> 00:14:39,693 then cut off his head and put it in a chicken bucket. 366 00:14:39,754 --> 00:14:41,754 -Sorry. -We'll tell her. 367 00:14:43,258 --> 00:14:46,867 I didn't poison my adult son's energy drink! 368 00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:49,721 -Sorry. -Oh, so sorry. 369 00:14:49,890 --> 00:14:52,247 I didn't use lye 370 00:14:52,267 --> 00:14:55,542 to dissolve a body in a dog food barrel. 371 00:14:55,604 --> 00:14:58,479 -Sorry. -Can we still get some frappes? 372 00:15:03,478 --> 00:15:06,553 Jenny, I'm not doing any more boyfriend role-play stuff 373 00:15:06,615 --> 00:15:08,722 for Louise. Okay? It's weird. 374 00:15:08,783 --> 00:15:10,575 And it's even weirder that you're letting me do it. 375 00:15:10,768 --> 00:15:12,559 Oh, but Louise is all alone. 376 00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:13,894 She's in such a bad state. 377 00:15:13,914 --> 00:15:15,446 And I always thought you were 378 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:17,990 -such a good, kind, selfless person. -No. 379 00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:20,752 And there is nothing you can say to change my mind, Jenny. 380 00:15:20,903 --> 00:15:24,480 All right. Well, Louise did lose someone she loved deeply. 381 00:15:24,499 --> 00:15:27,091 -(theme from Up playing) -Just like a certain curmudgeon 382 00:15:27,284 --> 00:15:29,093 -in a balloon house... -No, no, no, no. Don't, Jenny. 383 00:15:29,286 --> 00:15:31,412 ...who fell in love with a girl named Ellie, 384 00:15:31,473 --> 00:15:34,081 -but she was barren. -(crying): That poor woman. 385 00:15:34,142 --> 00:15:36,083 They wanted a child so bad. 386 00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:38,661 All right. All right, I'll do it. 387 00:15:38,721 --> 00:15:41,588 But only Christian "help thy neighbor" handyman stuff. 388 00:15:41,650 --> 00:15:43,775 Only. Period. End of dis... 389 00:15:43,968 --> 00:15:45,944 ("Caught Up in the Rapture" by Anita Baker playing) 390 00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:03,869 ♪ When we met ♪ 391 00:16:03,964 --> 00:16:06,798 ♪ Always knew ♪ 392 00:16:06,991 --> 00:16:11,285 ♪ I would feel that magic for you ♪ 393 00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:13,471 ♪ On my mind ♪ 394 00:16:13,622 --> 00:16:17,366 ♪ Constantly ♪ 395 00:16:17,385 --> 00:16:21,628 ♪ In my arms is where you should be ♪ 396 00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:22,814 (music stops playing) 397 00:16:22,965 --> 00:16:25,632 I feel bad. Am I pimping out Wayne? 398 00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:26,985 EMPLOYEE: Would you like a chocolate-covered strawberry? 399 00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:28,544 Ooh! 400 00:16:28,604 --> 00:16:33,807 ♪ I'm ♪ 401 00:16:33,827 --> 00:16:37,495 -♪ Caught up in the rapture of love ♪ -(screams) 402 00:16:38,707 --> 00:16:43,650 ♪ Nothing else can compare ♪ 403 00:16:43,712 --> 00:16:48,047 ♪ When I feel the magic of you ♪ 404 00:16:49,292 --> 00:16:53,386 -♪ I'm... ♪ -Ah! 405 00:16:54,997 --> 00:16:57,573 Follow me back to the house, Wayne. 406 00:16:57,633 --> 00:16:59,017 I threw some chili in my slow cooker 407 00:16:59,210 --> 00:17:00,926 so we could break in these bowls. 408 00:17:01,021 --> 00:17:02,928 You know, Louise, I wish I could, 409 00:17:03,081 --> 00:17:04,430 but I'm picking Jenny up from work, 410 00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:06,916 and then I'm definitely going mudding. 411 00:17:07,018 --> 00:17:08,934 Oh, Jenny's not working today. 412 00:17:09,029 --> 00:17:11,754 I sent her and Brenda to get mani-pedis. 413 00:17:11,856 --> 00:17:14,115 -What? -To pay her for your services. 414 00:17:15,318 --> 00:17:17,093 Thank you, Maurice. 415 00:17:17,153 --> 00:17:19,019 WAYNE: Oh, look at this. 416 00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:21,522 Y'all having fun while I'm being pimped out? 417 00:17:21,583 --> 00:17:24,283 Well, guess what, Jenny? The gigolo is up. 418 00:17:24,419 --> 00:17:27,920 Crap, it's over. Time to raid and scatter. 419 00:17:28,923 --> 00:17:30,122 (gasps) 420 00:17:30,258 --> 00:17:31,549 How could you do this, Jenny? 421 00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:33,292 You pimped me out. 422 00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:35,611 Or did you gain points in heaven by helping a fragile widow 423 00:17:35,671 --> 00:17:37,463 through a very emotional time? 424 00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:39,706 While I got a bunch of treatments and some makeup. 425 00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:41,559 But anyway, heaven! You're going there. 426 00:17:41,752 --> 00:17:43,469 Okay, stop, stop. 427 00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:45,212 This ends now. 428 00:17:45,273 --> 00:17:46,622 You're going to Louise 429 00:17:46,682 --> 00:17:48,474 and telling her it's over right now. 430 00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:50,735 Or we could have some cucumber water 431 00:17:50,928 --> 00:17:52,886 -and dried apricots. -No! 432 00:17:52,947 --> 00:17:54,388 DAVID: Okay, 433 00:17:54,449 --> 00:17:56,557 I'm counting 27 adults who are mad at us 434 00:17:56,618 --> 00:17:58,910 and 12 businesses where we can't buy anything, 435 00:17:59,103 --> 00:18:02,080 -which is all the businesses in Greenpoint. -We have to stop it. 436 00:18:02,273 --> 00:18:05,416 But Gram's, like, addicted to accusing people of murder. 437 00:18:05,609 --> 00:18:07,067 Wait, hang on. 438 00:18:07,128 --> 00:18:09,570 Mrs. Kimbro said she went to school with Gram? 439 00:18:09,631 --> 00:18:12,381 And she went to Hall & Oates with some boy Gram liked? 440 00:18:13,742 --> 00:18:15,409 Good evening, listeners. 441 00:18:15,470 --> 00:18:18,671 We want to do something a little different with this episode. 442 00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:22,158 We would like to discuss a brutal series of assassinations. 443 00:18:22,218 --> 00:18:25,010 -Character assassinations. -(record scratches) 444 00:18:25,163 --> 00:18:28,289 60 murderers. All accused by the same person, 445 00:18:28,291 --> 00:18:30,850 who just happened to go to high school with them. 446 00:18:30,944 --> 00:18:33,336 You've been researching me. 447 00:18:33,354 --> 00:18:37,115 Admit it. You wrongly accused 60 people of murder. 448 00:18:37,266 --> 00:18:39,024 You wrong me, you get accused of murder. 449 00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:41,360 That's just how it is. 450 00:18:41,512 --> 00:18:42,678 We would like to formally apologize 451 00:18:42,738 --> 00:18:44,546 -to Preston Harper. -(scoffs) 452 00:18:44,574 --> 00:18:46,182 A good man who had nothing to do 453 00:18:46,284 --> 00:18:48,292 with the ritualistic murder and dismemberment 454 00:18:48,485 --> 00:18:50,962 of that Ultimate Frisbee team in the late '90s. 455 00:18:51,155 --> 00:18:53,131 Gram, would you also like to issue an apology? 456 00:18:53,282 --> 00:18:54,632 To the man who once 457 00:18:54,825 --> 00:18:56,134 tapped me on the shoulder and said, 458 00:18:56,327 --> 00:18:57,543 "Excuse me, sir"? 459 00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:59,786 When hell freezes over. 460 00:18:59,889 --> 00:19:02,289 We also owe an apology to Vernon Bannerman, 461 00:19:02,392 --> 00:19:04,884 wrongly accused of being the Dallas Drowner. 462 00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:06,460 Hmm, let me guess. He once said 463 00:19:06,521 --> 00:19:08,128 something mildly impolite to you? 464 00:19:08,189 --> 00:19:09,722 He didn't say crap. 465 00:19:09,874 --> 00:19:11,649 He did flip me off in the midde 466 00:19:11,842 --> 00:19:13,467 of a spirit rally. Still don't know why. 467 00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:15,135 Just like those six women in Dallas 468 00:19:15,155 --> 00:19:16,487 don't know why he drowned them. 469 00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:18,214 Gram, we still have this one little case 470 00:19:18,232 --> 00:19:20,883 we haven't cracked. Louise Culp. Why accuse her? 471 00:19:20,985 --> 00:19:22,718 She didn't even go to high school with you. 472 00:19:22,820 --> 00:19:24,720 Well, Louise's mother once asked, 473 00:19:24,822 --> 00:19:27,390 "Where'd you get that top? Goodwill?" 474 00:19:27,491 --> 00:19:29,742 In front of the boys' JV baseball team. 475 00:19:29,894 --> 00:19:32,670 And since Louise's mother is no longer with us, 476 00:19:32,863 --> 00:19:34,655 Louise has inherited this slight. 477 00:19:34,716 --> 00:19:37,157 Therefore, Louise and all her kin 478 00:19:37,218 --> 00:19:38,918 henceforth are guilty of murder. 479 00:19:39,053 --> 00:19:42,162 Okay, Gram, that's low even for you. 480 00:19:42,182 --> 00:19:43,739 Oh, what's this? 481 00:19:43,758 --> 00:19:46,500 I'm seeing something new in my papers and findings. 482 00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,577 Tell me something. Where were you 483 00:19:48,638 --> 00:19:51,505 the night the Myrtle Beach Mangler last struck? 484 00:19:51,566 --> 00:19:53,416 Ugh. Gram, don't. 485 00:19:53,517 --> 00:19:55,842 Sure sounds like what a murderer would say. 486 00:19:55,904 --> 00:19:57,937 And who knows what other crimes 487 00:19:58,031 --> 00:19:59,346 they may have committed. 488 00:19:59,365 --> 00:20:01,607 In fact, there they go, off to kill mo... 489 00:20:02,869 --> 00:20:06,186 Louise, Jenny has something she wants to say to you. 490 00:20:06,322 --> 00:20:09,856 Okay, so, Louise, I know this is hard, 491 00:20:09,918 --> 00:20:12,251 but you can't have Wayne anymore. 492 00:20:14,956 --> 00:20:16,439 I mean, not at this price. 493 00:20:16,499 --> 00:20:19,217 I know. I know. I'm sorry, y'all. 494 00:20:19,368 --> 00:20:22,278 I mean, the money I was paying was way too low. 495 00:20:22,338 --> 00:20:24,204 Right? I mean, look at these arms. 496 00:20:24,265 --> 00:20:26,115 They can hold a trunkful of groceries. 497 00:20:26,133 --> 00:20:27,558 (chuckles) Wayne should cost 498 00:20:27,710 --> 00:20:29,560 at least what Richard Gere paid for Pretty Woman. 499 00:20:29,753 --> 00:20:31,878 Oh, no, I don't know if I could go that high. 500 00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:33,289 Then make an offer. I'm not negotiating 501 00:20:33,349 --> 00:20:35,007 -with myself here. -Ladies! 502 00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:37,401 Now, I have been bought and sold like chattel 503 00:20:37,594 --> 00:20:39,052 while y'all lived high on the hog 504 00:20:39,155 --> 00:20:41,647 and got to do everything you wanted to do. 505 00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:45,150 So now we are gonna do something I want to do. 506 00:20:45,245 --> 00:20:47,394 -(Jenny and Louise whooping) -WAYNE: Yeah! 507 00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:49,822 Watch this! 508 00:20:49,916 --> 00:20:53,125 -(Wayne and Jenny screaming) -Yes, y'all. 509 00:20:58,800 --> 00:20:59,757 -Are we stuck? -No. 510 00:20:59,908 --> 00:21:01,150 Seems like we're stuck. 511 00:21:01,168 --> 00:21:02,151 Well, then, you're seeing things, 512 00:21:02,253 --> 00:21:04,003 'cause we are not stuck. 513 00:21:04,155 --> 00:21:07,339 So, you're saying, then, we don't have to use the winch? 514 00:21:07,433 --> 00:21:10,342 No. A winch is for when other people get stuck. 515 00:21:10,436 --> 00:21:12,344 Well, then, where are the other people 516 00:21:12,438 --> 00:21:14,497 with their winches, Wayne? 517 00:21:14,557 --> 00:21:17,166 We don't need them yet because we are not stuck. 518 00:21:17,226 --> 00:21:20,594 Y'all are stuck, but I'm free. 519 00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:22,838 I got mud in all my nooks and crannies 520 00:21:22,898 --> 00:21:24,840 and even my nethers. 521 00:21:24,900 --> 00:21:26,117 I don't know how to tell you this, Jenny. 522 00:21:26,286 --> 00:21:27,768 And we're stuck. 523 00:21:27,903 --> 00:21:30,513 -Yeah, we're stuck. -(whoops) 524 00:21:30,573 --> 00:21:32,531 -(meows) -(horn honks musically) 525 00:21:32,683 --> 00:21:34,517 Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT 526 00:21:34,577 --> 00:21:35,543 and TOYOTA.