1
00:00:04,163 --> 00:00:06,988
Brenda, what are you doing?
Louise is back from her cruise.
2
00:00:07,091 --> 00:00:09,416
She's parking her car right now.
3
00:00:09,568 --> 00:00:11,902
-Wait, Louise has been gone?
-Yes. For a week.
4
00:00:11,962 --> 00:00:14,071
Wait, you were about to do
four shots of tequila
5
00:00:14,131 --> 00:00:15,906
and you thought
she was fully here?
6
00:00:15,966 --> 00:00:18,408
-It's my lunch break.
-It's 10:00 a.m.
7
00:00:18,469 --> 00:00:21,245
I have low blood sugar, Jenny.
8
00:00:21,263 --> 00:00:23,355
Louise. Are you okay?
9
00:00:23,548 --> 00:00:26,083
(moans)
It's Daniel.
10
00:00:26,185 --> 00:00:28,085
He...
(crying)
11
00:00:28,145 --> 00:00:30,845
Ugh, let me guess,
that clod-pole got called away
12
00:00:30,906 --> 00:00:33,440
in the middle of a cruise
for some "businessman thing,"
13
00:00:33,592 --> 00:00:35,683
and left you all alone
for the rest of the trip?
14
00:00:35,786 --> 00:00:37,202
You know what, Louise?
It's time.
15
00:00:37,354 --> 00:00:39,020
The gloves are off.
16
00:00:39,123 --> 00:00:42,207
Daniel is a grade-A
country club booty squirt.
17
00:00:42,359 --> 00:00:43,784
He's a jerk, and you need
to drop that flaccid,
18
00:00:43,878 --> 00:00:45,269
dead-eyed pee-hole.
19
00:00:45,287 --> 00:00:46,620
It wasn't his fault.
20
00:00:46,756 --> 00:00:48,863
Oh, right. It wasn't his fault.
21
00:00:48,924 --> 00:00:50,624
Will you just stop
making excuses for him, Louise?
22
00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:53,552
Brenda's right. He is
a worthless, flat-butted...
23
00:00:53,703 --> 00:00:55,946
-But he...
-No, no, no. Let me finish.
Coffee-breathed...
24
00:00:55,964 --> 00:00:57,614
-But...
-...biscuit-faced, wet...
25
00:00:57,674 --> 00:01:00,133
-But y'all...
-...paper towel
filled with pubes.
26
00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:01,510
Daniel's dead.
27
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:02,877
(crying)
28
00:01:02,938 --> 00:01:03,970
-(sighs)
-Oh.
29
00:01:04,065 --> 00:01:06,106
♪ ♪
30
00:01:33,785 --> 00:01:37,337
BRENDA:
I'm just gonna come out and say
what everyone's thinking.
31
00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:39,932
This is a funeral for a turd.
No, not even.
32
00:01:40,125 --> 00:01:43,343
I've had actual turds
that were harder to let go of.
33
00:01:43,495 --> 00:01:45,829
Brenda, be nice.
Louise loved him.
34
00:01:45,889 --> 00:01:47,606
God only knows why.
35
00:01:47,757 --> 00:01:49,090
Yeah, even I'm having
a hard time
36
00:01:49,110 --> 00:01:50,517
mustering up any waterworks
for Daniel.
37
00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:52,260
Gonna have to use my go-to:
38
00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:54,929
thinking about the first
15 minutes of Pixar's Up.
39
00:01:54,990 --> 00:01:57,616
Oh, Lord, here it comes.
40
00:01:57,809 --> 00:02:01,194
That old man, so alone,
missing his wife.
41
00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:04,790
She's so barren.
Ugh, damn it, I took it too far.
42
00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:07,442
-(crying)
-LOUISE: Welcome, y'all.
43
00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:11,371
As you know, we are forced
to have this bodyless funeral
44
00:02:11,523 --> 00:02:14,466
because poor old Daniel fell off
the side of a cruise ship
45
00:02:14,659 --> 00:02:17,636
and his remains have probably
moved all the way
46
00:02:17,829 --> 00:02:19,863
through the food chain by now.
47
00:02:19,882 --> 00:02:25,552
What will I miss most about
Daniel Hunter Gunnar Culp III?
48
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:28,388
Well, his smile, for sure.
49
00:02:28,540 --> 00:02:31,208
But also, his warm,
sexual touch.
50
00:02:31,268 --> 00:02:34,319
We had movie-quality
love-making.
51
00:02:34,512 --> 00:02:36,989
And by that I mean,
whenever we made love,
52
00:02:37,182 --> 00:02:40,384
he would have to watch a movie.
53
00:02:40,402 --> 00:02:42,494
Like Wild Things 1 through 4,
54
00:02:42,687 --> 00:02:44,738
or anything with Ellen Barkin.
55
00:02:44,890 --> 00:02:46,814
I wanted to show y'all a video
56
00:02:46,876 --> 00:02:48,167
of me and Daniel's life
together,
57
00:02:48,318 --> 00:02:50,727
but I'm no good at computers,
58
00:02:50,787 --> 00:02:53,488
so I'm just gonna show you
these pictures off my phone
59
00:02:53,591 --> 00:02:55,823
while playing
his very favorite song.
60
00:02:55,885 --> 00:02:57,843
("Virtual Insanity" playing)
61
00:02:58,036 --> 00:02:59,327
Can you see it? Can you see it?
62
00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:00,404
Okay, you two lean in.
63
00:03:00,422 --> 00:03:03,015
All right, can you see it now?
64
00:03:03,208 --> 00:03:05,333
I am so sorry for your loss,
65
00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:07,853
but I can't wait to deliver
your bereavement benefits
66
00:03:08,046 --> 00:03:09,671
in four to six weeks.
67
00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:13,841
Oh, Norma, I'm so lost
without my love muffin.
68
00:03:13,903 --> 00:03:16,253
Oh, look at that big phony.
69
00:03:16,313 --> 00:03:17,845
Excuse me?
70
00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:20,048
Big phony Louise
with her crocodile tears.
71
00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:23,184
-She's a stone-cold murderer.
-David. David.
72
00:03:23,245 --> 00:03:25,037
Turn around,
you're missing something good.
73
00:03:25,188 --> 00:03:29,449
So, Gram, I'm so sorry, did you
say Louise Culp is a murderer?
74
00:03:29,601 --> 00:03:31,768
Oh, quit clutching
your pearls, Vi.
75
00:03:31,828 --> 00:03:34,362
It's about time you learned
how the real world works.
76
00:03:34,423 --> 00:03:36,581
You walk around
in a butterscotch dreamland
77
00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:38,050
where no one you know
is a murderer.
78
00:03:38,219 --> 00:03:41,053
Louise 100% killed Daniel.
79
00:03:41,222 --> 00:03:43,055
Tell us more about this theory.
80
00:03:43,224 --> 00:03:45,057
It's not a theory, it's a fact.
81
00:03:45,250 --> 00:03:48,393
No one dies of natural causes
on a cruise.
82
00:03:48,586 --> 00:03:50,620
It's a murderers' paradise.
83
00:03:50,639 --> 00:03:52,289
You're out in
international waters,
84
00:03:52,349 --> 00:03:53,957
every man for himself.
85
00:03:53,976 --> 00:03:55,550
That's how Rose got away
with murdering Jack.
86
00:03:55,611 --> 00:03:57,143
Watch the movie.
87
00:03:57,238 --> 00:03:58,886
(gasps) I could listen
to Betty Hart
88
00:03:58,989 --> 00:04:01,889
talk about murder
all day long.
89
00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:03,650
(gasps)
So could everyone.
90
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,318
David, we owe it to the world
91
00:04:05,454 --> 00:04:08,655
to turn her insane ramblings
into a podcast.
92
00:04:08,791 --> 00:04:11,324
Oh my God, even if we recorded
the little bit she just said,
93
00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:13,660
and put some marimba music
behind it,
94
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:16,421
that's already, like,
six episodes.
95
00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:19,741
Mmm. Oh, Lord. Mmm.
96
00:04:19,802 --> 00:04:23,077
Y'all, now, Jenny, you better
hold Wayne tight tonight
97
00:04:23,097 --> 00:04:24,671
and give him your best loving,
98
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:27,582
'cause y'all don't know
how lucky you are.
99
00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:30,918
Okay, well, we will take that
under advisement.
100
00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:34,347
I mean, really get in there
and go to town on each other.
101
00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:35,682
Will do.
102
00:04:35,818 --> 00:04:38,184
-Damn.
-I feel sorry for her.
103
00:04:38,279 --> 00:04:40,837
Louise has never been
without a man in her life.
104
00:04:40,897 --> 00:04:42,930
Who knows? Maybe in
the long run, this will be good.
105
00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:44,766
Maybe she'll learn she doesn't
need to define herself
106
00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,359
through a man.
107
00:04:46,453 --> 00:04:49,121
-("Virtual Insanity" playing)
-My man is gone, y'all.
108
00:04:49,290 --> 00:04:51,014
I'm nothing without my man.
109
00:04:51,074 --> 00:04:53,016
I'm not even a person, y'all.
110
00:04:53,118 --> 00:04:55,368
Okay, a-week-ago me was wrong.
111
00:04:55,521 --> 00:04:58,371
How's everyone doing tonight?
Can I tell y'all the specials?
112
00:04:58,465 --> 00:05:02,375
(crying): I'd like to tell you
who was really special.
113
00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:04,636
My Daniel.
114
00:05:04,829 --> 00:05:06,530
But now he's fish food.
115
00:05:06,590 --> 00:05:08,473
He's dead.
116
00:05:08,666 --> 00:05:09,716
(wails)
117
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,868
(crying)
118
00:05:11,887 --> 00:05:13,961
There goes another table
of tips.
119
00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:15,296
This is a nightmare.
120
00:05:15,399 --> 00:05:16,481
She's scaring away
all the customers.
121
00:05:16,674 --> 00:05:18,984
Daniel's dead.
122
00:05:19,153 --> 00:05:22,712
This is where Daniel
used to eat.
123
00:05:22,773 --> 00:05:25,324
Daniel peed in here.
124
00:05:25,517 --> 00:05:29,386
Get out of there.
This is Daniel's favorite booth.
125
00:05:29,446 --> 00:05:32,956
He used to eat in here,
but now he's dead.
126
00:05:34,785 --> 00:05:36,393
("Virtual Insanity" ends)
127
00:05:36,411 --> 00:05:37,577
Thank God.
128
00:05:37,729 --> 00:05:38,670
("Virtual Insanity"
starts playing)
129
00:05:38,863 --> 00:05:40,397
(both groan)
130
00:05:40,415 --> 00:05:41,748
(marimba music playing)
131
00:05:41,884 --> 00:05:43,567
VIOLET:
Imagine a long-married couple
132
00:05:43,627 --> 00:05:45,235
boarding a cruise.
133
00:05:45,253 --> 00:05:47,087
They're in good spirits,
hit the buffet.
134
00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:48,663
They end the night
with a stroll,
135
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:50,073
neither of them knowing
this moment
136
00:05:50,133 --> 00:05:51,257
will be their last together.
137
00:05:51,352 --> 00:05:53,760
Unless one of them did.
138
00:05:53,912 --> 00:05:56,688
I'm Violet Hart. And this is
Danslaughter: Port of Fall.
139
00:05:56,840 --> 00:06:00,174
I'm David Brito,
and with us today is Betty Hart.
140
00:06:00,235 --> 00:06:03,086
Now, Betty, I understand
you have a few theories
141
00:06:03,188 --> 00:06:06,013
about what happened
on Louise's recent cruise?
142
00:06:06,075 --> 00:06:08,182
Theories are for nerds
and climate scientists.
143
00:06:08,243 --> 00:06:11,761
I have facts.
Here's exactly how it went down.
144
00:06:11,822 --> 00:06:15,432
It was early evening
on board the Festival Breeze,
145
00:06:15,492 --> 00:06:18,284
captained by a sturdy Spaniard
named Javier
146
00:06:18,379 --> 00:06:20,787
with a full head
of salt and pepper hair
147
00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:22,939
and the thighs of a Greek god.
148
00:06:22,999 --> 00:06:24,365
VIOLET:
Gram, stick to the murder.
149
00:06:24,426 --> 00:06:25,867
It's called color, Vi.
150
00:06:25,928 --> 00:06:28,111
Let me do what I do.
151
00:06:28,171 --> 00:06:30,113
Daniel and Louise
were sharing drinks
152
00:06:30,173 --> 00:06:32,298
in the Pink Coral Lounge.
153
00:06:32,393 --> 00:06:36,620
But little did Daniel know
that he was being overserved.
154
00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:39,456
To the point of going overboar.
155
00:06:39,516 --> 00:06:42,142
Pun intended.
Cut to the Lido deck.
156
00:06:42,294 --> 00:06:44,477
She did the old
"Oh, look, doesn't that dolphin
157
00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:46,796
look just like Charlton Heston"
158
00:06:46,815 --> 00:06:49,056
Then push, push, splash, splas,
chomp, chomp,
159
00:06:49,118 --> 00:06:51,243
jump into the conga line
as an alibi.
160
00:06:51,394 --> 00:06:52,986
♪ Dun, dun, dun, dun,
here the whole time ♪
161
00:06:53,138 --> 00:06:54,913
♪ Dun, dun, dun, dun,
perfect crime. ♪
162
00:06:55,064 --> 00:06:56,564
You really think
Louise killed her husband
163
00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:58,232
-on a cruise ship?
-Shh!
164
00:06:58,252 --> 00:07:01,494
Fact: 90% of people that go
on cruises do not return.
165
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:03,329
Fact: There are more dead bodies
166
00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:05,331
floating in the ocean
than plastic.
167
00:07:05,426 --> 00:07:08,242
Fact: We lost more Americans
last year in "cruise pushings"
168
00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:10,512
than we did in all of Vietnam.
169
00:07:11,623 --> 00:07:13,432
So with no motive, zero evidence
170
00:07:13,625 --> 00:07:16,101
and some massively inaccurate
facts about the ocean,
171
00:07:16,294 --> 00:07:19,271
you feel comfortable
labeling Louise Culp a murderer?
172
00:07:19,464 --> 00:07:22,232
I do. Case closed.
173
00:07:25,061 --> 00:07:28,280
And that's not all.
I have a strong foreboding
174
00:07:28,473 --> 00:07:30,857
that the Grove Nursing Home
Nighty-Night Strangler
175
00:07:31,009 --> 00:07:32,358
is none other than...
176
00:07:32,453 --> 00:07:34,286
Chuck Bryson!
177
00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:36,121
David, lock him up.
178
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:40,533
Whoa, Gram. You just solved
a different murder?
179
00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:42,294
Oh, yeah. I've solved hundreds,
180
00:07:42,487 --> 00:07:45,038
if not thousands,
of other murders.
181
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:47,132
Great. Tune in tomorrow
to find out
182
00:07:47,283 --> 00:07:49,283
who else is guilty of murder.
183
00:07:49,386 --> 00:07:51,619
Will it be... you?
184
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:53,638
Ooh, good one.
185
00:07:55,642 --> 00:07:57,033
WAYNE:
Hey, babe.
186
00:07:57,093 --> 00:07:58,885
Just came by for a quick bite.
187
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:00,370
They cleared all those trees out
188
00:08:00,388 --> 00:08:01,646
to extend
the Sedgefield Cemetery,
189
00:08:01,798 --> 00:08:03,389
(chuckles):
and it is good and muddy.
190
00:08:03,484 --> 00:08:05,225
So the boys and I
are gonna go off-roading
191
00:08:05,377 --> 00:08:06,651
before it gets filled up
with bodies.
192
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,878
Oh, no. Okay.
Should I call the tow truck now,
193
00:08:08,897 --> 00:08:10,489
or wait until you call me
saying you got stuck?
194
00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:12,324
(laughs):
Jenny, I'm not gonna get stuck.
195
00:08:12,517 --> 00:08:13,717
You always get stuck.
196
00:08:13,818 --> 00:08:14,976
I am not getting stuck.
197
00:08:15,037 --> 00:08:16,310
I just got a winch.
198
00:08:16,330 --> 00:08:17,887
For when you get stuck?
199
00:08:17,906 --> 00:08:19,906
No! That's for when
somebody else gets stuck.
200
00:08:20,058 --> 00:08:22,483
You can't pull
your own self out, Jenny.
201
00:08:22,503 --> 00:08:23,727
So you are gonna get stuck?
202
00:08:23,787 --> 00:08:25,245
I am not having
this conversation.
203
00:08:25,397 --> 00:08:26,838
LOUISE:
Daniel, look.
204
00:08:27,031 --> 00:08:29,082
(exhales)
Dang. I know
it's still fresh, but...
205
00:08:29,234 --> 00:08:32,493
Louise looks rough.
Is she doing okay?
206
00:08:32,513 --> 00:08:34,404
JENNY:
She's trying to feed
a fried shrimp to a pillow.
207
00:08:34,464 --> 00:08:36,072
Does that seem okay to you?
208
00:08:36,174 --> 00:08:38,742
Louise, I'm so sorry
for what you're going through.
209
00:08:38,802 --> 00:08:41,335
You just let me know
if you need anything.
210
00:08:41,396 --> 00:08:42,687
Oh, thank you.
211
00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:44,689
I'll be fine.
I'm just gonna go home
212
00:08:44,841 --> 00:08:48,418
and eat a Go-Gurt for dinner,
since my oven's broken.
213
00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:50,420
Well, I can fix that oven
for you.
214
00:08:50,522 --> 00:08:52,088
(sobbing)
215
00:08:52,190 --> 00:08:53,773
(sniffling)
216
00:08:53,925 --> 00:08:55,516
Just let me know
when's a good time to stop by.
217
00:08:55,577 --> 00:08:56,684
How's right now?
218
00:08:56,787 --> 00:08:58,428
Oh. Uh, right now?
219
00:08:58,488 --> 00:09:00,187
It's a date!
220
00:09:00,249 --> 00:09:02,374
Okay, now I'm stuck.
221
00:09:06,588 --> 00:09:08,938
Oh, thank you, Wayne.
222
00:09:08,957 --> 00:09:10,957
This pilot light's
always broken.
223
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,551
I can't tell you
the amount of times
224
00:09:12,702 --> 00:09:14,719
I'd come home to find my Daniel,
225
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:18,039
his head in there,
trying to fix it.
226
00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:20,283
He'd pull his head out,
looking all depressed,
227
00:09:20,302 --> 00:09:21,634
and then say, "I give up."
228
00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:23,453
Okay, all fixed.
229
00:09:23,513 --> 00:09:25,305
I hope you feel a little better.
230
00:09:25,457 --> 00:09:27,399
Now I'm gonna go get some mud
on my tires.
231
00:09:27,592 --> 00:09:29,550
LOUISE:
Oh, hang on, boyfriend.
232
00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:33,296
Can I bother you to replace a
couple of burnt-out light bulbs?
233
00:09:33,315 --> 00:09:35,073
Oh, sure.
I-I have some in my truck.
234
00:09:35,266 --> 00:09:37,409
Oh, that's smart.
235
00:09:37,560 --> 00:09:39,744
You save yourself
the overnight trip.
236
00:09:39,937 --> 00:09:42,080
-What?
-When you have to drive
to the light bulb store
237
00:09:42,273 --> 00:09:43,748
that's four hours away,
238
00:09:43,941 --> 00:09:46,067
so eight hours
total travel time.
239
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,735
No, they got 'em at Bigsby's.
240
00:09:47,796 --> 00:09:50,496
Oh, what? I sure wish
Daniel would have known that.
241
00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:53,817
He was gone all the time
on long light bulb runs.
242
00:09:53,918 --> 00:09:54,818
Wow.
243
00:09:54,919 --> 00:09:56,002
Leaving me all alone
244
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,597
in this big ol' house by myself.
245
00:09:58,748 --> 00:10:01,491
Now it feels like he's
on a permanent light bulb run.
246
00:10:01,509 --> 00:10:02,992
To heaven.
247
00:10:03,011 --> 00:10:05,586
This house is just
so big and lonely lately,
248
00:10:05,647 --> 00:10:07,163
and that's not a knock
on poor people
249
00:10:07,223 --> 00:10:09,274
with little tee-tiny houses.
250
00:10:09,467 --> 00:10:12,185
This is just
a big ol' house, y'all.
251
00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:13,503
What are you doing?
252
00:10:13,563 --> 00:10:15,004
Uh, nothing.
253
00:10:15,023 --> 00:10:16,615
(chuckles nervously):
I'm just listening. Why?
254
00:10:16,808 --> 00:10:18,766
Well, I thought
you would've walked out by now.
255
00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:21,453
Or at least be watching
pro fishing on your phone.
256
00:10:21,646 --> 00:10:23,455
That's what Daniel always did.
257
00:10:23,648 --> 00:10:25,957
He was such a great multitasker.
258
00:10:26,109 --> 00:10:28,293
(sighs):
Oh, no. You're
going through a hard time.
259
00:10:28,486 --> 00:10:30,444
Just trying to lend an ear.
260
00:10:30,464 --> 00:10:33,539
Could I ask you
for one more favor?
261
00:10:33,634 --> 00:10:37,043
Would you mind coming up
to my bedroom?
262
00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:39,721
♪ ♪
263
00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:43,032
Could you just open
264
00:10:43,051 --> 00:10:45,292
that nightstand drawer?
265
00:10:45,354 --> 00:10:48,480
What I need is in there.
266
00:10:57,366 --> 00:11:00,116
♪
267
00:11:07,726 --> 00:11:09,650
Yeah, she made me
brush her hair.
268
00:11:09,753 --> 00:11:10,835
What?
269
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:12,729
Oh, I'm so sorry, Wayne.
270
00:11:12,789 --> 00:11:14,488
Sorry who?
'Cause according to her,
271
00:11:14,549 --> 00:11:15,915
my name's not Wayne anymore.
272
00:11:16,067 --> 00:11:18,159
It's BoogerBear.
And she's BooBear.
273
00:11:18,220 --> 00:11:20,661
And BooBear already wants me
to come back tomorrow.
274
00:11:20,722 --> 00:11:23,272
Oh, Jenny,
I feel so bad for her,
275
00:11:23,341 --> 00:11:24,590
but I can't go back there.
276
00:11:24,685 --> 00:11:26,333
Oh, honey, you've helped enough.
277
00:11:26,395 --> 00:11:28,594
And you deserve to go have fun
and go off-roading
278
00:11:28,747 --> 00:11:30,188
and get stuck in the mud
with your buddies.
279
00:11:30,339 --> 00:11:32,506
-We do not get stuck.
-You will totally get stuck.
280
00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:34,250
I'll talk to Louise tomorrow
281
00:11:34,310 --> 00:11:35,509
and tell her
you can't go back there.
282
00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:36,920
Okay, thanks.
283
00:11:37,021 --> 00:11:38,755
-And, Jenny?
-Yeah?
284
00:11:38,857 --> 00:11:42,183
I feel like I should brush
your hair just to make it right.
285
00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:43,868
I don't know what
I'm making right, but just...
286
00:11:44,020 --> 00:11:45,537
I got your hairbrush.
287
00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:49,432
BRENDA:
Well, on the plus side,
288
00:11:49,492 --> 00:11:52,618
your hair
looks extra shiny today.
289
00:11:52,771 --> 00:11:54,361
Yeah, Louise got
way too creep-a-do
290
00:11:54,423 --> 00:11:55,788
with Wayne last night.
291
00:11:55,882 --> 00:11:57,531
I got to tell her
he's not available.
292
00:11:57,592 --> 00:11:59,384
Rip the Band-Aid off no matter
how depressed she seems.
293
00:11:59,553 --> 00:12:01,553
Cock-a-doodle-doo, doo-doo-doo.
294
00:12:01,722 --> 00:12:04,038
It's a beautiful morning, y'all.
295
00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:06,558
Now, let's get
some different tunes up in here.
296
00:12:06,751 --> 00:12:09,452
♪ I'm ♪
297
00:12:09,471 --> 00:12:12,138
♪ Gonna soak up the sun... ♪
298
00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:14,474
Oh, Jenny, don't you worry
299
00:12:14,568 --> 00:12:16,142
about Windexing the menus.
300
00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:17,902
I can do that. And, Brenda,
301
00:12:18,054 --> 00:12:20,221
you don't have to shoo out
the ceiling possum today.
302
00:12:20,323 --> 00:12:22,648
I say live and let live, y'all.
303
00:12:22,784 --> 00:12:25,134
Oh, it's so good
to see your face again, Louise.
304
00:12:25,153 --> 00:12:27,228
-Um, I need to talk
to you about...
-I just want
305
00:12:27,289 --> 00:12:30,731
to thank you for lending me
your man, Jenny.
306
00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:32,900
Oh, well,
I wouldn't describe it that way.
307
00:12:32,994 --> 00:12:34,902
Well,
whatever you want to call it,
308
00:12:34,963 --> 00:12:37,663
I just want to give you
this little thank-you.
309
00:12:37,816 --> 00:12:39,649
It's a gift card to Sephora!
310
00:12:39,751 --> 00:12:42,819
It's almost like money.
But it's not, right?
311
00:12:42,921 --> 00:12:45,488
I mean, it's not
"payment for Wayne." (chuckles)
312
00:12:45,507 --> 00:12:47,414
Oh, you wrote
"Payment for Wayne"
313
00:12:47,476 --> 00:12:48,658
right on the gift card.
Right there.
314
00:12:48,718 --> 00:12:50,660
(laughs)
That's terrific.
315
00:12:50,678 --> 00:12:53,271
So, Jenny, what did you need
to talk to me about?
316
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:57,183
Um, I was just gonna say
about Wayne,
317
00:12:57,319 --> 00:12:59,836
uh, I'll send him
back over later.
318
00:12:59,896 --> 00:13:02,505
And, Brenda,
I'm feeling so good,
319
00:13:02,565 --> 00:13:04,340
I got you one, too.
320
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:06,175
(chuckles):
Wow. I can't wait to find out
321
00:13:06,194 --> 00:13:09,195
what it feels like
to not steal from that place.
322
00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:11,681
BETTY:
The murderer
in the Willow Glen case
323
00:13:11,741 --> 00:13:13,182
was none other
324
00:13:13,284 --> 00:13:15,868
than Greenpoint's own
Darryl Ozment.
325
00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:18,445
Pastor by day, slasher by night.
326
00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:20,706
Case closed. Murder solved.
327
00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:23,026
That makes 60 cases
in three episodes.
328
00:13:23,086 --> 00:13:24,451
Perfectly solved.
329
00:13:24,554 --> 00:13:26,546
All murderers,
please report to jail.
330
00:13:26,698 --> 00:13:28,881
David, fill up that cellblock.
331
00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:30,558
(cell door closes)
332
00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:35,705
Hey, you're the podcast guys.
Love it!
333
00:13:35,723 --> 00:13:38,391
-Guilty! Cha-chunk!
-Your grandma's a hit.
334
00:13:38,527 --> 00:13:41,653
Doing a true crime podcast
is super easy
335
00:13:41,822 --> 00:13:43,304
when the crimes
don't have to be true.
336
00:13:43,365 --> 00:13:44,656
Violet and David,
337
00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:46,140
can I talk to you for a sec?
338
00:13:46,201 --> 00:13:47,808
You want some podcast swag?
339
00:13:47,869 --> 00:13:49,385
All right,
we're out of T-shirts,
340
00:13:49,487 --> 00:13:52,388
-but I have a visor.
-I don't want a visor.
341
00:13:52,407 --> 00:13:54,740
Your grandmother accused me
of murdering an entire sorority
342
00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:56,817
execution-style in 1989?
343
00:13:56,878 --> 00:13:58,336
-Uh...
-Uh...
344
00:13:58,529 --> 00:14:00,096
-We're so, so, so sorry.
-So, so sorry. We know
345
00:14:00,098 --> 00:14:01,581
you didn't murder anyone,
but if you did,
346
00:14:01,733 --> 00:14:02,841
-no judgment.
-So sorry we accused you
of murder.
347
00:14:02,992 --> 00:14:03,842
Now, I know
I shouldn't be mad at you.
348
00:14:03,993 --> 00:14:05,418
I should be praying for you,
349
00:14:05,570 --> 00:14:07,086
'cause your grandmother is crazy
as the day is long,
350
00:14:07,238 --> 00:14:08,680
and I've known her forever,
351
00:14:08,831 --> 00:14:10,423
and it's always been
just one thing after another.
352
00:14:10,559 --> 00:14:12,499
And I can't help it
if Tom Taggert took me
353
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:14,243
to the Hall & Oates concert
instead of her.
354
00:14:14,304 --> 00:14:15,353
And Lord forgive me,
but tell her
355
00:14:15,546 --> 00:14:16,596
to shut her fat face,
356
00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:18,081
-or I'm gonna sue.
-(gasps)
357
00:14:18,141 --> 00:14:20,416
(door opens, closes)
358
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:24,195
Mm, that was rough.
Is this what guilt feels like?
359
00:14:24,388 --> 00:14:26,347
I know. I feel awful.
360
00:14:26,408 --> 00:14:28,274
But it'll be fine.
She's overreacting.
361
00:14:28,426 --> 00:14:30,259
Everyone else knows
it's just harmless fun.
362
00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:31,961
Plus, nobody's listening.
363
00:14:31,988 --> 00:14:34,355
Hey, you little turds!
Tell your grandma
364
00:14:34,416 --> 00:14:36,782
I didn't lure a drifter
into my van with cigarettes,
365
00:14:36,935 --> 00:14:39,693
then cut off his head
and put it in a chicken bucket.
366
00:14:39,754 --> 00:14:41,754
-Sorry.
-We'll tell her.
367
00:14:43,258 --> 00:14:46,867
I didn't poison
my adult son's energy drink!
368
00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:49,721
-Sorry.
-Oh, so sorry.
369
00:14:49,890 --> 00:14:52,247
I didn't use lye
370
00:14:52,267 --> 00:14:55,542
to dissolve a body
in a dog food barrel.
371
00:14:55,604 --> 00:14:58,479
-Sorry.
-Can we still get some frappes?
372
00:15:03,478 --> 00:15:06,553
Jenny, I'm not doing any more
boyfriend role-play stuff
373
00:15:06,615 --> 00:15:08,722
for Louise. Okay? It's weird.
374
00:15:08,783 --> 00:15:10,575
And it's even weirder
that you're letting me do it.
375
00:15:10,768 --> 00:15:12,559
Oh, but Louise is all alone.
376
00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:13,894
She's in such a bad state.
377
00:15:13,914 --> 00:15:15,446
And I always thought you were
378
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:17,990
-such a good, kind,
selfless person.
-No.
379
00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:20,752
And there is nothing you can say
to change my mind, Jenny.
380
00:15:20,903 --> 00:15:24,480
All right. Well, Louise did lose
someone she loved deeply.
381
00:15:24,499 --> 00:15:27,091
-(theme from Up playing)
-Just like a certain curmudgeon
382
00:15:27,284 --> 00:15:29,093
-in a balloon house...
-No, no, no, no. Don't, Jenny.
383
00:15:29,286 --> 00:15:31,412
...who fell in love
with a girl named Ellie,
384
00:15:31,473 --> 00:15:34,081
-but she was barren.
-(crying): That poor woman.
385
00:15:34,142 --> 00:15:36,083
They wanted a child so bad.
386
00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:38,661
All right.
All right, I'll do it.
387
00:15:38,721 --> 00:15:41,588
But only Christian "help
thy neighbor" handyman stuff.
388
00:15:41,650 --> 00:15:43,775
Only. Period. End of dis...
389
00:15:43,968 --> 00:15:45,944
("Caught Up in the Rapture"
by Anita Baker playing)
390
00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:03,869
♪ When we met ♪
391
00:16:03,964 --> 00:16:06,798
♪ Always knew ♪
392
00:16:06,991 --> 00:16:11,285
♪ I would feel that magic
for you ♪
393
00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:13,471
♪ On my mind ♪
394
00:16:13,622 --> 00:16:17,366
♪ Constantly ♪
395
00:16:17,385 --> 00:16:21,628
♪ In my arms
is where you should be ♪
396
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:22,814
(music stops playing)
397
00:16:22,965 --> 00:16:25,632
I feel bad.
Am I pimping out Wayne?
398
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:26,985
EMPLOYEE:
Would you like
a chocolate-covered strawberry?
399
00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:28,544
Ooh!
400
00:16:28,604 --> 00:16:33,807
♪ I'm ♪
401
00:16:33,827 --> 00:16:37,495
-♪ Caught up
in the rapture of love ♪
-(screams)
402
00:16:38,707 --> 00:16:43,650
♪ Nothing else can compare ♪
403
00:16:43,712 --> 00:16:48,047
♪ When I feel the magic of you ♪
404
00:16:49,292 --> 00:16:53,386
-♪ I'm... ♪
-Ah!
405
00:16:54,997 --> 00:16:57,573
Follow me
back to the house, Wayne.
406
00:16:57,633 --> 00:16:59,017
I threw some chili
in my slow cooker
407
00:16:59,210 --> 00:17:00,926
so we could break in
these bowls.
408
00:17:01,021 --> 00:17:02,928
You know, Louise,
I wish I could,
409
00:17:03,081 --> 00:17:04,430
but I'm picking Jenny up
from work,
410
00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:06,916
and then
I'm definitely going mudding.
411
00:17:07,018 --> 00:17:08,934
Oh, Jenny's not working today.
412
00:17:09,029 --> 00:17:11,754
I sent her and Brenda
to get mani-pedis.
413
00:17:11,856 --> 00:17:14,115
-What?
-To pay her for your services.
414
00:17:15,318 --> 00:17:17,093
Thank you, Maurice.
415
00:17:17,153 --> 00:17:19,019
WAYNE:
Oh, look at this.
416
00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:21,522
Y'all having fun
while I'm being pimped out?
417
00:17:21,583 --> 00:17:24,283
Well, guess what, Jenny?
The gigolo is up.
418
00:17:24,419 --> 00:17:27,920
Crap, it's over.
Time to raid and scatter.
419
00:17:28,923 --> 00:17:30,122
(gasps)
420
00:17:30,258 --> 00:17:31,549
How could you do this, Jenny?
421
00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:33,292
You pimped me out.
422
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:35,611
Or did you gain points in heaven
by helping a fragile widow
423
00:17:35,671 --> 00:17:37,463
through a very emotional time?
424
00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:39,706
While I got a bunch
of treatments and some makeup.
425
00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:41,559
But anyway, heaven!
You're going there.
426
00:17:41,752 --> 00:17:43,469
Okay, stop, stop.
427
00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:45,212
This ends now.
428
00:17:45,273 --> 00:17:46,622
You're going to Louise
429
00:17:46,682 --> 00:17:48,474
and telling her it's over
right now.
430
00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:50,735
Or we could have
some cucumber water
431
00:17:50,928 --> 00:17:52,886
-and dried apricots.
-No!
432
00:17:52,947 --> 00:17:54,388
DAVID:
Okay,
433
00:17:54,449 --> 00:17:56,557
I'm counting 27 adults
who are mad at us
434
00:17:56,618 --> 00:17:58,910
and 12 businesses
where we can't buy anything,
435
00:17:59,103 --> 00:18:02,080
-which is all the businesses
in Greenpoint.
-We have to stop it.
436
00:18:02,273 --> 00:18:05,416
But Gram's, like, addicted
to accusing people of murder.
437
00:18:05,609 --> 00:18:07,067
Wait, hang on.
438
00:18:07,128 --> 00:18:09,570
Mrs. Kimbro said
she went to school with Gram?
439
00:18:09,631 --> 00:18:12,381
And she went to Hall & Oates
with some boy Gram liked?
440
00:18:13,742 --> 00:18:15,409
Good evening, listeners.
441
00:18:15,470 --> 00:18:18,671
We want to do something a little
different with this episode.
442
00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:22,158
We would like to discuss a
brutal series of assassinations.
443
00:18:22,218 --> 00:18:25,010
-Character assassinations.
-(record scratches)
444
00:18:25,163 --> 00:18:28,289
60 murderers.
All accused by the same person,
445
00:18:28,291 --> 00:18:30,850
who just happened to go
to high school with them.
446
00:18:30,944 --> 00:18:33,336
You've been researching me.
447
00:18:33,354 --> 00:18:37,115
Admit it. You wrongly accused
60 people of murder.
448
00:18:37,266 --> 00:18:39,024
You wrong me,
you get accused of murder.
449
00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:41,360
That's just how it is.
450
00:18:41,512 --> 00:18:42,678
We would like
to formally apologize
451
00:18:42,738 --> 00:18:44,546
-to Preston Harper.
-(scoffs)
452
00:18:44,574 --> 00:18:46,182
A good man who had nothing to do
453
00:18:46,284 --> 00:18:48,292
with the ritualistic murder
and dismemberment
454
00:18:48,485 --> 00:18:50,962
of that Ultimate Frisbee team
in the late '90s.
455
00:18:51,155 --> 00:18:53,131
Gram, would you also like
to issue an apology?
456
00:18:53,282 --> 00:18:54,632
To the man who once
457
00:18:54,825 --> 00:18:56,134
tapped me on the shoulder
and said,
458
00:18:56,327 --> 00:18:57,543
"Excuse me, sir"?
459
00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:59,786
When hell freezes over.
460
00:18:59,889 --> 00:19:02,289
We also owe an apology
to Vernon Bannerman,
461
00:19:02,392 --> 00:19:04,884
wrongly accused
of being the Dallas Drowner.
462
00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:06,460
Hmm, let me guess. He once said
463
00:19:06,521 --> 00:19:08,128
something mildly impolite
to you?
464
00:19:08,189 --> 00:19:09,722
He didn't say crap.
465
00:19:09,874 --> 00:19:11,649
He did flip me off in the midde
466
00:19:11,842 --> 00:19:13,467
of a spirit rally.
Still don't know why.
467
00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:15,135
Just like those six women
in Dallas
468
00:19:15,155 --> 00:19:16,487
don't know why he drowned them.
469
00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:18,214
Gram, we still have
this one little case
470
00:19:18,232 --> 00:19:20,883
we haven't cracked.
Louise Culp. Why accuse her?
471
00:19:20,985 --> 00:19:22,718
She didn't even go
to high school with you.
472
00:19:22,820 --> 00:19:24,720
Well,
Louise's mother once asked,
473
00:19:24,822 --> 00:19:27,390
"Where'd you get that top?
Goodwill?"
474
00:19:27,491 --> 00:19:29,742
In front
of the boys' JV baseball team.
475
00:19:29,894 --> 00:19:32,670
And since Louise's mother
is no longer with us,
476
00:19:32,863 --> 00:19:34,655
Louise has inherited
this slight.
477
00:19:34,716 --> 00:19:37,157
Therefore,
Louise and all her kin
478
00:19:37,218 --> 00:19:38,918
henceforth are guilty of murder.
479
00:19:39,053 --> 00:19:42,162
Okay, Gram,
that's low even for you.
480
00:19:42,182 --> 00:19:43,739
Oh, what's this?
481
00:19:43,758 --> 00:19:46,500
I'm seeing something new
in my papers and findings.
482
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,577
Tell me something.
Where were you
483
00:19:48,638 --> 00:19:51,505
the night the Myrtle Beach
Mangler last struck?
484
00:19:51,566 --> 00:19:53,416
Ugh. Gram, don't.
485
00:19:53,517 --> 00:19:55,842
Sure sounds like
what a murderer would say.
486
00:19:55,904 --> 00:19:57,937
And who knows what other crimes
487
00:19:58,031 --> 00:19:59,346
they may have committed.
488
00:19:59,365 --> 00:20:01,607
In fact, there they go,
off to kill mo...
489
00:20:02,869 --> 00:20:06,186
Louise, Jenny has something
she wants to say to you.
490
00:20:06,322 --> 00:20:09,856
Okay, so, Louise,
I know this is hard,
491
00:20:09,918 --> 00:20:12,251
but you can't have Wayne
anymore.
492
00:20:14,956 --> 00:20:16,439
I mean, not at this price.
493
00:20:16,499 --> 00:20:19,217
I know. I know.
I'm sorry, y'all.
494
00:20:19,368 --> 00:20:22,278
I mean, the money I was paying
was way too low.
495
00:20:22,338 --> 00:20:24,204
Right? I mean,
look at these arms.
496
00:20:24,265 --> 00:20:26,115
They can hold
a trunkful of groceries.
497
00:20:26,133 --> 00:20:27,558
(chuckles)
Wayne should cost
498
00:20:27,710 --> 00:20:29,560
at least what Richard Gere paid
for Pretty Woman.
499
00:20:29,753 --> 00:20:31,878
Oh, no, I don't know
if I could go that high.
500
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:33,289
Then make an offer.
I'm not negotiating
501
00:20:33,349 --> 00:20:35,007
-with myself here.
-Ladies!
502
00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:37,401
Now, I have been bought
and sold like chattel
503
00:20:37,594 --> 00:20:39,052
while y'all
lived high on the hog
504
00:20:39,155 --> 00:20:41,647
and got to do everything
you wanted to do.
505
00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:45,150
So now we are gonna do
something I want to do.
506
00:20:45,245 --> 00:20:47,394
-(Jenny and Louise whooping)
-WAYNE: Yeah!
507
00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:49,822
Watch this!
508
00:20:49,916 --> 00:20:53,125
-(Wayne and Jenny screaming)
-Yes, y'all.
509
00:20:58,800 --> 00:20:59,757
-Are we stuck?
-No.
510
00:20:59,908 --> 00:21:01,150
Seems like we're stuck.
511
00:21:01,168 --> 00:21:02,151
Well, then,
you're seeing things,
512
00:21:02,253 --> 00:21:04,003
'cause we are not stuck.
513
00:21:04,155 --> 00:21:07,339
So, you're saying, then,
we don't have to use the winch?
514
00:21:07,433 --> 00:21:10,342
No. A winch is
for when other people get stuck.
515
00:21:10,436 --> 00:21:12,344
Well, then,
where are the other people
516
00:21:12,438 --> 00:21:14,497
with their winches, Wayne?
517
00:21:14,557 --> 00:21:17,166
We don't need them yet
because we are not stuck.
518
00:21:17,226 --> 00:21:20,594
Y'all are stuck, but I'm free.
519
00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:22,838
I got mud
in all my nooks and crannies
520
00:21:22,898 --> 00:21:24,840
and even my nethers.
521
00:21:24,900 --> 00:21:26,117
I don't know how
to tell you this, Jenny.
522
00:21:26,286 --> 00:21:27,768
And we're stuck.
523
00:21:27,903 --> 00:21:30,513
-Yeah, we're stuck.
-(whoops)
524
00:21:30,573 --> 00:21:32,531
-(meows)
-(horn honks musically)
525
00:21:32,683 --> 00:21:34,517
Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
526
00:21:34,577 --> 00:21:35,543
and TOYOTA.