1
00:00:02,691 --> 00:00:04,415
HOST (on TV):
Hang on to your guac,
2
00:00:04,434 --> 00:00:06,601
'cause it's time for...
3
00:00:06,695 --> 00:00:09,937
AUDIENCE:
America's... Funniest... People
4
00:00:10,032 --> 00:00:11,439
Getting Out of... a Booth
5
00:00:11,575 --> 00:00:15,368
in a Mexican... Restaurant.
6
00:00:15,561 --> 00:00:19,355
Uh-oh. Looks like Junior has to
go to the little señor's room.
7
00:00:19,416 --> 00:00:20,948
(in child's voice):
"This vinyl booth is sticky.
8
00:00:21,101 --> 00:00:22,542
Why did I wear shorts?"
9
00:00:22,711 --> 00:00:25,603
Ooh-hoo, my thighs are stinging
just looking at that.
10
00:00:25,663 --> 00:00:27,696
(sighs loudly)
11
00:00:27,758 --> 00:00:30,108
This.
12
00:00:30,168 --> 00:00:32,293
This is how
I want to remember y'all.
13
00:00:32,387 --> 00:00:33,887
Gram, are you okay?
14
00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:36,705
Violet, I want you
to have this.
15
00:00:37,801 --> 00:00:41,394
200 AC/DC dollars
from the "Moneytalks" tour.
16
00:00:41,546 --> 00:00:43,379
Since Brexit, they're worth more
17
00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:44,880
than the pound. (sniffles)
18
00:00:44,941 --> 00:00:46,215
Thanks?
19
00:00:46,276 --> 00:00:48,976
Wayne, take care of my Jenny.
20
00:00:49,071 --> 00:00:52,980
And just know that I was hard
on you 'cause I care about you.
21
00:00:53,075 --> 00:00:54,908
(grunts)
Um... thanks?
22
00:00:55,101 --> 00:00:56,801
What the heck is going on?
23
00:00:56,861 --> 00:00:58,727
This is extra, even for Gram.
24
00:00:58,747 --> 00:01:00,229
Ugh. Oh, no.
25
00:01:00,290 --> 00:01:02,640
A few years ago,
that stupid psychic she goes to
26
00:01:02,659 --> 00:01:04,158
told her what day
she was gonna die.
27
00:01:04,252 --> 00:01:05,835
Violet, hand me that calendar.
28
00:01:06,871 --> 00:01:08,237
Yup, it's today all right.
29
00:01:08,298 --> 00:01:10,331
Oh, so she seriously thinks
she's gonna die
30
00:01:10,483 --> 00:01:12,908
by the stroke of midnight?
Amazing.
31
00:01:13,011 --> 00:01:15,911
Oh... Lord!
32
00:01:15,972 --> 00:01:18,264
And, Jenny, my precious angel...
33
00:01:18,416 --> 00:01:19,657
Oh, it's still going.
34
00:01:19,717 --> 00:01:21,750
I can only imagine
how hard it was
35
00:01:21,812 --> 00:01:23,328
for you to have such a strong
36
00:01:23,388 --> 00:01:25,588
and captivating woman
as your mother.
37
00:01:25,649 --> 00:01:27,273
But soon you'll be free
38
00:01:27,442 --> 00:01:30,518
from the pressure
of living in my shadow.
39
00:01:30,670 --> 00:01:32,837
-Good Lord.
-(clears throat)
40
00:01:32,897 --> 00:01:36,190
Anything else you want to say
before I go to be with Jesus?
41
00:01:36,284 --> 00:01:38,176
Fine, Mother, you were never,
ever a burden,
42
00:01:38,236 --> 00:01:39,694
a great mom,
and every day was a gift.
43
00:01:39,846 --> 00:01:43,514
Oh, thank you, baby,
for telling me the truth.
44
00:01:44,576 --> 00:01:49,796
Fare thee well,
mon Ferrero Rochers.
45
00:01:49,989 --> 00:01:51,548
(upbeat music, laughter on TV)
46
00:01:58,849 --> 00:02:02,049
How do you like your
blue-eyed girl, Mr. Death?
47
00:02:02,144 --> 00:02:05,311
Jesus, I am coming your way.
48
00:02:06,097 --> 00:02:07,889
And three, two.
49
00:02:08,041 --> 00:02:10,316
BETTY:
Oh, what the hell?!
50
00:02:11,311 --> 00:02:13,469
I've been bamboozled!
51
00:02:13,530 --> 00:02:15,572
♪ ♪
52
00:02:43,518 --> 00:02:45,351
♪ ♪
53
00:02:47,230 --> 00:02:49,597
Oh, are you going fishing with
your ding-dong friends today?
54
00:02:49,691 --> 00:02:52,174
Hey, those ding-dong friends
are my friends.
55
00:02:52,235 --> 00:02:54,252
And getting them
to go fishing was not easy.
56
00:02:54,312 --> 00:02:56,845
Their idea of what's fun
is pretty different than mine.
57
00:02:56,907 --> 00:02:58,439
Hey, homes.
58
00:02:58,575 --> 00:03:01,092
Five bucks says
you won't eat this light bulb.
59
00:03:01,110 --> 00:03:02,368
-You're on.
-No!
60
00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:05,038
Guys, do not jump
into the garden center.
61
00:03:05,189 --> 00:03:06,372
You will break your ankles.
62
00:03:06,541 --> 00:03:08,491
We already broke our ankles.
63
00:03:08,543 --> 00:03:10,526
You can't rebreak an ankle.
64
00:03:11,421 --> 00:03:13,862
PETER:
Insulation smackdown!
65
00:03:13,882 --> 00:03:16,549
You guys, that fiberglass is
gonna make you itchy as hell.
66
00:03:16,718 --> 00:03:19,627
Sounds like you're itching
to get tackled, homie.
67
00:03:19,721 --> 00:03:21,128
(both grunting)
68
00:03:21,281 --> 00:03:23,114
Their credo is basically
"What doesn't kill me
69
00:03:23,174 --> 00:03:24,707
-makes me funner."
-(Betty groans)
70
00:03:24,768 --> 00:03:28,286
Well, like Jesus once said,
"I'm back."
71
00:03:28,346 --> 00:03:30,671
Betty, I'm so glad
you're still with us.
72
00:03:30,823 --> 00:03:32,473
Don't rub it in, Wayne.
73
00:03:32,609 --> 00:03:34,308
Gram, just so you know, I was
gonna pretend you were a ghost
74
00:03:34,444 --> 00:03:36,218
when you came out,
but Mom wouldn't let me.
75
00:03:36,279 --> 00:03:38,312
Thank you, baby.
Stupid psychic.
76
00:03:38,406 --> 00:03:40,798
I sunk good money
into this death:
77
00:03:40,858 --> 00:03:43,409
put a casket on layaway,
got a mold of my bust
78
00:03:43,578 --> 00:03:45,745
to be sent to the original
members of Whitesnake,
79
00:03:45,896 --> 00:03:49,448
and let's not forget
the Betty Hart Memorial Garden.
80
00:03:49,642 --> 00:03:51,066
Yeah, who could have predicted
81
00:03:51,086 --> 00:03:52,568
former interior decorator-
turned-psychic
82
00:03:52,629 --> 00:03:55,237
Vohnnie Ray Power
would have ripped you off?
83
00:03:55,298 --> 00:03:57,406
Yeah, technically,
he ripped you off.
84
00:03:57,467 --> 00:03:59,408
I used your bank card.
85
00:03:59,469 --> 00:04:02,003
Seriously?! Ooh, you are such
a pain in my butt all the time.
86
00:04:02,155 --> 00:04:03,337
We are going down there
right now
87
00:04:03,490 --> 00:04:05,172
and getting our...
my money back.
88
00:04:05,308 --> 00:04:06,933
I'm so excited.
89
00:04:07,084 --> 00:04:08,342
Do you think Vohnnie Ray
knows we're on our way?
90
00:04:08,436 --> 00:04:09,769
-No.
-Oh, yes.
91
00:04:09,938 --> 00:04:11,846
(entry bell jingles)
92
00:04:11,982 --> 00:04:13,831
I can't believe you're making us
go fishing, homes.
93
00:04:13,891 --> 00:04:15,850
DOUG: And I can't believe
you wouldn't let me ride
94
00:04:15,944 --> 00:04:18,778
Cape Fear style
on the way over here.
95
00:04:18,929 --> 00:04:22,340
I'm not letting you strap
yourself under my truck, Doug.
96
00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,951
Whoa, what the hell is this?
97
00:04:25,144 --> 00:04:27,102
RUTH:
That there is either
98
00:04:27,122 --> 00:04:31,032
God's biggest mistake
or the devil's masterpiece.
99
00:04:31,184 --> 00:04:32,775
It's called a snakehead,
100
00:04:32,836 --> 00:04:35,369
and it's been gobbling up
everything in sight
101
00:04:35,522 --> 00:04:37,522
in every waterway
on the East Coast.
102
00:04:37,582 --> 00:04:39,373
And now it's here in Greenpoint.
103
00:04:39,526 --> 00:04:41,116
Yeah? So what?
We got a new fish.
104
00:04:41,177 --> 00:04:42,527
What's the big deal, brahs?
105
00:04:42,587 --> 00:04:45,621
This is no ordinary "fursh"!
106
00:04:45,682 --> 00:04:48,533
It can breathe on land
for hours at a time.
107
00:04:48,593 --> 00:04:51,960
It's as smart as a dumb
five-year-old child.
108
00:04:51,980 --> 00:04:57,558
And it secretes a neurotoxin
that is more powerful than LSD.
109
00:04:57,652 --> 00:04:58,967
Oh, hell yeah.
110
00:04:59,070 --> 00:05:01,045
Aw, got to catch that fish,
homes.
111
00:05:01,105 --> 00:05:02,380
Geez, where did it come from?
112
00:05:02,440 --> 00:05:04,324
They say Asia,
but if you ask me,
113
00:05:04,517 --> 00:05:06,400
they are not of this world.
114
00:05:06,494 --> 00:05:08,477
They're killing all the fish.
115
00:05:08,496 --> 00:05:10,388
And they're coming after us
next, boys.
116
00:05:10,448 --> 00:05:13,074
Ruth, don't scare the customers.
117
00:05:13,209 --> 00:05:15,226
But, seriously,
if y'all do catch a snakehead,
118
00:05:15,286 --> 00:05:16,727
do not put it back in the water.
119
00:05:16,746 --> 00:05:19,897
Put it on ice, and call
the snakehead tip line.
120
00:05:19,916 --> 00:05:21,323
-(airhorn blows)
-Aah!
121
00:05:21,384 --> 00:05:23,176
Did you just huff an airhorn?
122
00:05:23,345 --> 00:05:25,345
Ever since my run-in
with a snakehead,
123
00:05:25,513 --> 00:05:28,181
it's the only thing
that keeps me sane.
124
00:05:28,374 --> 00:05:29,924
(airhorn blows)
125
00:05:30,018 --> 00:05:32,259
Like we have a hundred dollars
126
00:05:32,412 --> 00:05:33,686
-to spend on this horse crap.
-Oh, what do you care?
127
00:05:33,838 --> 00:05:36,338
When I was about to die,
you didn't even sniff.
128
00:05:36,358 --> 00:05:38,583
Let me in,
you dollar store sorcerer!
129
00:05:38,643 --> 00:05:40,693
I cannot wait for this spiritual
shaman to confirm
130
00:05:40,845 --> 00:05:45,256
what I've always known:
that I am a witch.
131
00:05:45,316 --> 00:05:47,182
Violet, you are not a witch.
132
00:05:47,243 --> 00:05:50,261
I have BWE-- big witch energy.
133
00:05:50,321 --> 00:05:53,206
Where are you?
Come on out, Nostra-dumb-ass.
134
00:05:53,399 --> 00:05:55,500
VOHNNIE:
Hello? Hello?
135
00:05:57,045 --> 00:05:59,695
Sorry. I just was
in the little wizard's room.
136
00:05:59,756 --> 00:06:01,606
(chuckles, gasps)
137
00:06:01,624 --> 00:06:03,774
Betty Jean Hart,
as I live and breathe!
138
00:06:03,876 --> 00:06:05,868
More like,
as I live and breathe.
139
00:06:05,887 --> 00:06:07,795
You told me
my death day was yesterday,
140
00:06:07,889 --> 00:06:09,797
and here I am, still alive.
141
00:06:09,891 --> 00:06:11,874
That is a refund situation.
142
00:06:11,935 --> 00:06:15,377
We're not leaving until
you give us our money back.
143
00:06:15,438 --> 00:06:18,623
Oh. Oh, I see
what's going on here.
144
00:06:18,683 --> 00:06:21,308
Betty, you thought I was talking
about your physical death,
145
00:06:21,461 --> 00:06:24,979
but what I was talking about was
your metaphorical death.
146
00:06:25,073 --> 00:06:26,221
-(gasps)
-Here we go.
147
00:06:26,241 --> 00:06:27,723
Of course.
148
00:06:27,784 --> 00:06:29,558
How could I have ever
doubted you, Vohnnie?
149
00:06:29,577 --> 00:06:31,318
You're still giving
our money back.
150
00:06:31,413 --> 00:06:33,353
Minus the cost of this book--
Bun in the Coven:
151
00:06:33,415 --> 00:06:35,640
Motherhood, Witchcraft,
and the Ties That Bind.
152
00:06:35,741 --> 00:06:37,566
I have to have it.
Please, please, please.
153
00:06:37,627 --> 00:06:42,237
Oh, no. Hold on a second.
I'm sensing a dark energy.
154
00:06:42,298 --> 00:06:43,572
Yes! I knew it.
155
00:06:43,675 --> 00:06:44,982
It's me. Here it comes.
156
00:06:45,042 --> 00:06:46,333
Wow, wow, wow, wow.
157
00:06:46,486 --> 00:06:49,654
No, it's coming from her.
158
00:06:49,714 --> 00:06:52,173
-What?
-Betty, I don't know how
to tell you this,
159
00:06:52,267 --> 00:06:54,175
but your daughter is cursed.
160
00:06:54,327 --> 00:06:55,768
Going back a long way.
161
00:06:55,961 --> 00:06:58,329
It's in her blood.
162
00:06:58,347 --> 00:06:59,939
Oh, so I ask for our money back,
and suddenly I'm cursed?
163
00:07:00,108 --> 00:07:01,515
Okay, watch this.
164
00:07:01,609 --> 00:07:03,609
So how much to lift
this convenient curse
165
00:07:03,778 --> 00:07:04,944
you just discovered?
166
00:07:05,113 --> 00:07:07,763
Oh, I'm afraid
this curse runs so dark
167
00:07:07,824 --> 00:07:11,358
and so deep,
no amount of money can lift it.
168
00:07:11,511 --> 00:07:13,435
-No! My daughter!
-But since I'm her daughter,
169
00:07:13,496 --> 00:07:14,862
I've got some of it, right?
170
00:07:15,014 --> 00:07:16,605
I'm at least a minor hag
or a necromancer?
171
00:07:16,708 --> 00:07:19,366
Ugh! I can't be around
all y'all's darkness!
172
00:07:19,519 --> 00:07:21,443
This reading was free.
Take the book. Just get out!
173
00:07:21,546 --> 00:07:23,946
At least tell me
my real death date.
174
00:07:24,007 --> 00:07:25,298
Or better yet, hers.
175
00:07:25,491 --> 00:07:27,633
When am I gonna bury
my daughter?
176
00:07:27,785 --> 00:07:30,211
Y'all saw what just
happened, right?
177
00:07:30,305 --> 00:07:32,120
He made us think
we saved a hundred dollars
178
00:07:32,140 --> 00:07:35,199
when all he did was keep
the hundred he already had.
179
00:07:35,218 --> 00:07:36,959
But, Jenny, you're cursed.
180
00:07:37,020 --> 00:07:38,478
Oh, come on. I'm not cursed.
181
00:07:38,646 --> 00:07:40,371
That's ridiculous.
182
00:07:40,473 --> 00:07:41,706
(caws)
183
00:07:41,807 --> 00:07:43,316
Oh, no, no, hang on.
184
00:07:43,467 --> 00:07:44,984
A bird bathrooming on you
is considered good luck.
185
00:07:45,135 --> 00:07:46,652
(caws)
186
00:07:46,845 --> 00:07:49,547
What does it mean
when two more birds poop on you?
187
00:07:49,607 --> 00:07:52,867
It means you're triple lucky,
so nothing's wrong.
188
00:07:54,186 --> 00:07:56,162
Just stepped in dog doo,
then gum.
189
00:07:56,355 --> 00:07:57,813
I know what I stepped in.
190
00:07:57,874 --> 00:08:00,124
Uh, Mom?
191
00:08:01,669 --> 00:08:04,295
Ugh! Still there!
192
00:08:05,173 --> 00:08:06,589
(scraping with shoe)
193
00:08:07,900 --> 00:08:09,675
Ugh! Just get in the car!
194
00:08:09,868 --> 00:08:12,236
See, isn't this nice?
195
00:08:12,255 --> 00:08:15,422
Nobody's eating glass
or other non-food items.
196
00:08:15,517 --> 00:08:19,018
Let's just take a minute
and enjoy the sounds of nature.
197
00:08:19,211 --> 00:08:20,261
(water bubbling)
198
00:08:20,413 --> 00:08:21,245
(whimpering)
199
00:08:21,347 --> 00:08:23,171
You hooked my eyelid!
200
00:08:23,274 --> 00:08:24,932
Aah, dang it!
201
00:08:25,026 --> 00:08:27,084
You got my eyelid, too, homes.
202
00:08:27,144 --> 00:08:29,529
Oh, Wayne,
get a picture of this.
203
00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:32,139
Okay, you know what? Maybe we
should just pull the boat in
204
00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:34,258
and then just go home
and go to sleep.
205
00:08:34,318 --> 00:08:37,428
(chuckles)
This is crazy. That fish
206
00:08:37,446 --> 00:08:39,021
-looks just like the snake...
-(hisses)
207
00:08:39,082 --> 00:08:40,039
Oh, my God!
208
00:08:40,232 --> 00:08:43,209
(Peter screaming)
209
00:08:47,498 --> 00:08:48,881
WAYNE:
No. Come here, bastard.
210
00:08:49,074 --> 00:08:50,608
(Doug and Peter groaning)
211
00:08:50,668 --> 00:08:51,942
Let go, homes.
212
00:08:52,003 --> 00:08:53,460
Let me lick that LSD fish.
213
00:08:53,555 --> 00:08:55,370
Yeah, you heard
what that lady said.
214
00:08:55,431 --> 00:08:57,390
-This fish is full of drugs.
-No.
215
00:08:57,541 --> 00:09:01,118
She said that its slime is
a dangerous neurotoxin.
216
00:09:01,137 --> 00:09:03,211
That's why I want to lick it.
217
00:09:03,273 --> 00:09:04,713
Nobody's messing
with this fish.
218
00:09:04,732 --> 00:09:06,290
We had a hard enough time
219
00:09:06,309 --> 00:09:07,808
getting it into the cooler
without touching it.
220
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:10,719
Okay, Wayne. You're right.
We shouldn't lick it.
221
00:09:10,780 --> 00:09:13,798
Oh, we should fast-track that
buzz by putting it in our rears.
222
00:09:13,816 --> 00:09:15,908
You know, booty-chug
that thing, dude.
223
00:09:16,077 --> 00:09:18,969
Oh, hell yeah!
Let's keister that fish!
224
00:09:19,030 --> 00:09:20,638
No. No licking, no keistering.
225
00:09:20,698 --> 00:09:22,139
We're gonna follow
the instructions
226
00:09:22,199 --> 00:09:24,475
and call
the snakehead tip line...
227
00:09:24,577 --> 00:09:26,977
Hello? Snakehead tip line?
This is Wayne Edwards.
228
00:09:27,038 --> 00:09:30,481
I have a snakehead, and if
y'all don't pay us $20,000,
229
00:09:30,499 --> 00:09:32,240
-I'm-a set it free.
-What?! What are you doing?
230
00:09:32,302 --> 00:09:34,985
It's the most wanted fish
in North Carolina, man.
231
00:09:35,004 --> 00:09:37,671
People would pay us good money
to not release this hostage.
232
00:09:37,824 --> 00:09:40,082
-It's a reverse ransom.
-Terrible idea.
233
00:09:40,143 --> 00:09:42,584
Now give me... that... phone.
234
00:09:42,604 --> 00:09:43,936
-(Peter grunting)
-WAYNE: The snakehead!
235
00:09:44,088 --> 00:09:46,939
Dang, that thing really
can survive on land.
236
00:09:47,132 --> 00:09:49,275
I hate to be
the I-told-you-so guy,
237
00:09:49,444 --> 00:09:51,185
but this whole thing
could have been avoided
238
00:09:51,279 --> 00:09:53,187
if that fish was in my rear.
239
00:09:53,281 --> 00:09:56,282
Welp, looks like
this fishing trip
240
00:09:56,475 --> 00:09:59,327
just turned into a hunting trip.
241
00:10:02,181 --> 00:10:04,272
Can't believe you're cursed.
Lucky.
242
00:10:04,292 --> 00:10:05,866
Violet, what are you wearing?
243
00:10:06,002 --> 00:10:08,110
Well, you heard what
Vohnnie said. I'm not a witch.
244
00:10:08,171 --> 00:10:09,945
I'm just a total boring normal.
245
00:10:09,964 --> 00:10:12,873
Might as well just go ahead
and embrace my lame destiny.
246
00:10:13,009 --> 00:10:15,450
Meanwhile, in a minute,
you'll probably have snakes
247
00:10:15,511 --> 00:10:17,619
crawling out of your earholes
and stuff.
248
00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:20,364
Violet, I'm not cursed.
Curses aren't real.
249
00:10:20,424 --> 00:10:22,290
Ow! Who moved this table?!
250
00:10:22,393 --> 00:10:24,535
Hi, Jenny. You got a little
surprise in the mail.
251
00:10:24,595 --> 00:10:27,538
Hmm. Okay. Now, would a cursed
person get a nice surprise
252
00:10:27,598 --> 00:10:29,982
in the mail?
I don't think so.
253
00:10:30,175 --> 00:10:31,725
You got jury duty.
254
00:10:31,819 --> 00:10:33,377
I thought you said
it was a surprise.
255
00:10:33,479 --> 00:10:35,488
You seem surprised.
256
00:10:35,639 --> 00:10:37,639
When you're dancing
with the devil,
257
00:10:37,700 --> 00:10:39,400
could you put
in a bad word for me?
258
00:10:39,552 --> 00:10:41,719
See if you can get me
some Carrie powers.
259
00:10:41,779 --> 00:10:43,554
There is no curse.
260
00:10:43,572 --> 00:10:45,739
Okay? I'm just having a bad day.
261
00:10:45,833 --> 00:10:48,075
-(whoosh)
-Bad things happen to one person
262
00:10:48,211 --> 00:10:49,335
over and over again
all the time.
263
00:10:49,528 --> 00:10:50,911
(chuckles):
It's called life.
264
00:10:51,047 --> 00:10:52,246
-And when you're an adult...
-Mom.
265
00:10:52,340 --> 00:10:53,488
...life just starts to feel
266
00:10:53,549 --> 00:10:55,174
-like one big curse.
-Mom.
267
00:10:55,367 --> 00:10:57,401
But you have to power through.
268
00:10:57,461 --> 00:10:59,011
-Mom, your bed's on fire!
-(fire alarm beeping)
269
00:10:59,204 --> 00:11:00,738
Oh, my God!
270
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:02,998
I'm cursed.
271
00:11:03,059 --> 00:11:05,242
Why'd you have to use my phone?
272
00:11:05,344 --> 00:11:07,002
Now they're gonna trace the call
and come after us.
273
00:11:07,063 --> 00:11:09,504
Oh, come on, Wayne.
Holding this fish for ransom's
274
00:11:09,565 --> 00:11:11,339
gonna be way more fun
than regular fishing.
275
00:11:11,401 --> 00:11:13,842
Doing ransom is not fun.
276
00:11:13,903 --> 00:11:15,436
Look, homeses.
277
00:11:15,530 --> 00:11:17,238
PETER:
Let's grab it.
278
00:11:18,032 --> 00:11:20,607
Easy. Easy, now.
279
00:11:20,743 --> 00:11:22,076
Gotcha!
280
00:11:25,039 --> 00:11:27,448
Please, Wayne, I need your help.
281
00:11:27,542 --> 00:11:29,450
I need to get back
to my home planet,
282
00:11:29,544 --> 00:11:33,546
Blockteetapolakatatee 7.
283
00:11:33,715 --> 00:11:35,881
And this is
a real-life E.T. situation.
284
00:11:36,074 --> 00:11:37,550
SNAKEHEAD:
No.
285
00:11:37,743 --> 00:11:40,294
E.T.s are
my species' mortal enemy.
286
00:11:40,446 --> 00:11:42,947
Everyone thinks they're so cut,
287
00:11:43,007 --> 00:11:46,467
but they're actually
a planet of serial fondlers.
288
00:11:46,561 --> 00:11:50,120
They fondle
our nips and bits, Wayne.
289
00:11:50,181 --> 00:11:53,882
-What?
-SNAKEHEAD: Oh,
the things they do to us, Wayn.
290
00:11:53,943 --> 00:11:56,218
The inappropriate jokes,
291
00:11:56,279 --> 00:11:59,313
commenting on the size
of our mucus sacs.
292
00:11:59,407 --> 00:12:02,408
We always have to say,
"Our eyes are up here."
293
00:12:02,577 --> 00:12:04,134
And those light-up fingers?
294
00:12:04,195 --> 00:12:06,971
Oh, they put them everywhere.
295
00:12:07,072 --> 00:12:10,398
Everywhere, Wayne!
296
00:12:11,294 --> 00:12:13,586
Hold on. You're talking
about that cute little dude
297
00:12:13,737 --> 00:12:15,329
in the Blossom hat
that eats Reese's Pieces?
298
00:12:15,423 --> 00:12:20,150
What's cute on your planet
is aggressively creepy on ours.
299
00:12:20,211 --> 00:12:21,910
So, what are you doing here?
300
00:12:22,847 --> 00:12:27,266
We need a new homeworld,
and yours looks delicious.
301
00:12:27,459 --> 00:12:29,326
Pretty standard sci-fi stuff.
302
00:12:29,428 --> 00:12:31,345
-Wait, so you mean...
-Ding, ding, ding.
303
00:12:31,481 --> 00:12:34,256
Winner, winner, human dinner.
304
00:12:34,275 --> 00:12:37,276
-No! No!
-(snakehead laughs)
305
00:12:37,469 --> 00:12:41,614
(distorted):
Wayne, you okay, man?
306
00:12:45,778 --> 00:12:47,361
Aw, it got away, homes.
307
00:12:47,455 --> 00:12:49,104
Wayne, are you all right?
308
00:12:49,207 --> 00:12:50,848
You fellas wanted to go fishing?
309
00:12:50,908 --> 00:12:52,774
-Not really, but okay.
-Well...
310
00:12:53,744 --> 00:12:56,629
-We're going fishing.
-PETER AND DOUG: Huh?
311
00:12:56,822 --> 00:12:58,947
Whoop, do you think
there was any on my han...
312
00:12:59,008 --> 00:13:01,550
(distorted groan)
313
00:13:02,378 --> 00:13:04,286
What in the hell?
314
00:13:04,347 --> 00:13:05,971
This is it.
The beginning of the end.
315
00:13:06,123 --> 00:13:08,474
I mean, who even knows
if I'm gonna wake up tomorrow.
316
00:13:08,667 --> 00:13:10,142
None of this would have happened
if you hadn't
317
00:13:10,311 --> 00:13:13,628
roped me into your phony-baloney
psychic BS, Mother.
318
00:13:13,689 --> 00:13:15,130
Says the woman
who thinks she's cursed.
319
00:13:15,149 --> 00:13:16,540
Well, what else could it be?
320
00:13:16,559 --> 00:13:18,150
A row of sick crows
diarrhea-ed on me.
321
00:13:18,343 --> 00:13:19,726
And I tried to play it off
at the time,
322
00:13:19,879 --> 00:13:22,304
but that bird poo was very warm,
which is gross.
323
00:13:22,406 --> 00:13:24,639
Then I broke my toe.
And the crap cherry on top
324
00:13:24,742 --> 00:13:27,976
-was that I also got jury duty.
-Wait, jury duty?
325
00:13:27,995 --> 00:13:29,887
Yeah. That's the one
you want to focus on?
326
00:13:29,947 --> 00:13:31,980
Hello, Gram. Bed of fire?
327
00:13:31,999 --> 00:13:33,574
Well, I don't know
if this helps or hurts,
328
00:13:33,709 --> 00:13:36,743
but I think the jury duty thing
might be on me.
329
00:13:36,879 --> 00:13:40,655
How is it that I've gotten
jury duty twice in three years
330
00:13:40,716 --> 00:13:43,325
and my daughter
hasn't had to do it once?
331
00:13:43,344 --> 00:13:46,403
Huh, is that so? Well,
I'll be sure to let them know.
332
00:13:46,463 --> 00:13:47,847
Why would you say that? Ow!
333
00:13:47,998 --> 00:13:49,740
That is the fifth time
that has happened today.
334
00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:53,243
Again, y'all, I don't know
if this helps or hurts,
335
00:13:53,345 --> 00:13:55,245
but I think I caused
your broken toe
336
00:13:55,356 --> 00:13:57,505
and probably that knee thing
that just happened.
337
00:13:57,567 --> 00:14:00,918
-How?
-To counteract the curse,
I feng shui-ed the house
338
00:14:00,936 --> 00:14:03,696
and moved all the furniture over
an inch and a half.
339
00:14:03,847 --> 00:14:05,347
Oh, and that bird poop?
340
00:14:05,366 --> 00:14:07,182
We might have
another helps/hurts here.
341
00:14:07,201 --> 00:14:10,352
I may have spit my gum out
and dropped a bunch of prunes,
342
00:14:10,413 --> 00:14:12,596
Jolly Ranchers
and other purse items
343
00:14:12,615 --> 00:14:15,282
onto the sidewalk outside
the psychic Vohnnie's house.
344
00:14:15,376 --> 00:14:18,043
-Why did you have all that?
-Because she's insane.
345
00:14:18,195 --> 00:14:19,453
It doesn't matter.
346
00:14:19,547 --> 00:14:21,455
So, a few of those curse things
were you,
347
00:14:21,607 --> 00:14:23,549
but there's no way you caused
my bed to catch on fire.
348
00:14:23,742 --> 00:14:27,277
-No way, Jose.
That one was all curse.
-I was wrong.
349
00:14:27,338 --> 00:14:28,779
Curses aren't fun.
350
00:14:28,797 --> 00:14:30,705
They're horrifying. Aah!
351
00:14:30,766 --> 00:14:32,540
What the heck is that?
352
00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:34,468
Gram, I don't know
if this helps or hurts,
353
00:14:34,562 --> 00:14:36,954
but it looks like
your crystal dream catcher
354
00:14:36,972 --> 00:14:38,472
is an Etsy death ray.
355
00:14:38,608 --> 00:14:40,807
Oh, great.
I know what that means.
356
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:43,293
I'm the albatross
around your neck.
357
00:14:43,354 --> 00:14:46,071
I'm the one
who's been ruining your life.
358
00:14:46,264 --> 00:14:47,798
I'm the curse.
359
00:14:48,767 --> 00:14:51,076
Jenny, this is the part
where you say
360
00:14:51,245 --> 00:14:53,579
I've never been a burden,
I'm a great mom
361
00:14:53,730 --> 00:14:55,230
and every day is a gift.
362
00:14:55,291 --> 00:14:57,249
No. I'm starting to realize
that all the bad things
363
00:14:57,401 --> 00:14:58,659
that have happened to me
all these years
364
00:14:58,811 --> 00:15:00,160
are because of you.
You're the curse.
365
00:15:00,254 --> 00:15:03,422
You're the dog poop
and gum on my shoe.
366
00:15:05,909 --> 00:15:09,119
All right, soldiers.
Stay frosty.
367
00:15:09,931 --> 00:15:12,839
I've been in its head.
I know how it thinks.
368
00:15:12,975 --> 00:15:14,841
-Wayne is so cool now.
-This is so not boring, homes.
369
00:15:14,977 --> 00:15:17,661
Whoa, whoa! Don't step there.
370
00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:19,087
Trip wire.
371
00:15:19,148 --> 00:15:21,756
Nothing's getting in
or out of here
372
00:15:21,776 --> 00:15:23,275
without us knowing it.
373
00:15:23,444 --> 00:15:27,004
(distorted breathing)
374
00:15:27,064 --> 00:15:28,839
Shh! You hear that?
375
00:15:28,899 --> 00:15:31,099
It's in the trees.
376
00:15:31,118 --> 00:15:34,286
It's a fish. There's no way
it's in the... (screaming)
377
00:15:34,438 --> 00:15:35,746
Don't let him
lay his eggs in you!
378
00:15:36,907 --> 00:15:38,198
Ugh!
379
00:15:38,350 --> 00:15:40,517
-(hisses)
-Hey! Hey!
380
00:15:40,577 --> 00:15:43,295
-It took the car keys.
-Looks like our fishing trip
381
00:15:43,488 --> 00:15:45,205
that turned into a hunting trip
382
00:15:45,341 --> 00:15:48,008
just turned into a camping trip.
383
00:15:52,306 --> 00:15:54,122
So cold. So thirsty.
384
00:15:54,183 --> 00:15:56,216
Yeah, you're thirsty.
385
00:15:56,310 --> 00:15:58,385
But I bet I know
who's thirstier.
386
00:15:58,479 --> 00:16:00,037
♪ ♪
387
00:16:00,097 --> 00:16:04,208
Snakehead!
388
00:16:04,268 --> 00:16:06,210
I know you can't breathe
on land forever.
389
00:16:06,228 --> 00:16:08,212
I'm guessing
you could really use
390
00:16:08,272 --> 00:16:09,989
a little H2O right now.
391
00:16:10,140 --> 00:16:11,806
All you got to do is come out
392
00:16:11,909 --> 00:16:14,326
-and get it.
-(hisses)
393
00:16:16,780 --> 00:16:18,739
(gasping)
394
00:16:18,874 --> 00:16:20,708
That's it.
395
00:16:21,877 --> 00:16:23,076
Gotcha!
396
00:16:23,170 --> 00:16:25,820
-(screams)
-Wayne!
397
00:16:25,923 --> 00:16:27,989
-(thud)
-Oh, man.
398
00:16:28,050 --> 00:16:30,300
He even died cool.
399
00:16:34,831 --> 00:16:38,742
Snakehead,
time for you to phone home.
400
00:16:38,761 --> 00:16:42,187
-(Betty wails)
-Gram, please stop packing.
401
00:16:42,380 --> 00:16:43,505
You are not moving out.
402
00:16:43,566 --> 00:16:45,249
Violet, you heard your mother.
403
00:16:45,309 --> 00:16:47,601
I am a curse on this family.
404
00:16:47,695 --> 00:16:51,271
I should have died
on my death day.
405
00:16:51,423 --> 00:16:52,939
Mother, you're being ridiculous.
406
00:16:53,092 --> 00:16:55,350
Use my rolling suitcase.
You can fit more crap in there.
407
00:16:55,369 --> 00:16:57,444
Mom, why are you
encouraging her?
408
00:16:57,580 --> 00:16:59,145
Because she's a pain in my butt.
409
00:16:59,298 --> 00:17:01,431
She always has been,
she always will be.
410
00:17:01,492 --> 00:17:04,268
Look, we drive each other crazy,
so maybe we need a little break.
411
00:17:04,328 --> 00:17:05,936
Or a big one.
412
00:17:05,996 --> 00:17:07,546
-(sobbing)
-Gram,
413
00:17:07,697 --> 00:17:09,273
don't you think
it's a little melodramatic
414
00:17:09,374 --> 00:17:11,366
to storm out of a house
that you own?
415
00:17:11,385 --> 00:17:13,052
Violet, hush. Stay out of this.
416
00:17:13,203 --> 00:17:14,628
Don't you yell at my grandbaby.
417
00:17:14,722 --> 00:17:16,538
-Mother, shut up.
-Once I waltz out that door,
418
00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:18,115
-she's all I got left.
-Stop making this all about you.
419
00:17:18,175 --> 00:17:19,224
Look, we drive
each other crazy...
420
00:17:19,376 --> 00:17:20,225
Don't you yell at my grandbaby.
421
00:17:20,418 --> 00:17:21,376
(overlapping arguing)
422
00:17:21,437 --> 00:17:24,121
Mother, you're being ridiculous.
423
00:17:25,257 --> 00:17:27,791
Mom, Gram, stop.
I'm getting a vision.
424
00:17:27,810 --> 00:17:29,976
I know how to solve this.
425
00:17:30,071 --> 00:17:32,279
♪ ♪
426
00:17:36,410 --> 00:17:38,243
WAYNE:
Mayor Webb!
427
00:17:38,412 --> 00:17:40,746
Did the snakehead tip line
tell you about our call?
428
00:17:40,897 --> 00:17:43,640
Told me?
I am the snakehead tip line.
429
00:17:43,751 --> 00:17:45,659
I'm also the anonymous
illegal dumping tip line
430
00:17:45,811 --> 00:17:47,477
and the suicide hotline,
431
00:17:47,579 --> 00:17:49,421
but they're the same number,
so whenever I answer the phone,
432
00:17:49,614 --> 00:17:52,091
I just say,
"Don't throw it all away."
433
00:17:52,242 --> 00:17:54,818
It works for both. Well, anyway,
434
00:17:54,878 --> 00:17:56,837
-I have your 20 grand.
-Forget about the money.
435
00:17:56,989 --> 00:17:58,430
We got to destroy this fish.
436
00:17:58,623 --> 00:18:00,157
And call the Marines,
the Coast Guard
437
00:18:00,175 --> 00:18:01,433
and the Men in Blacks,
438
00:18:01,626 --> 00:18:03,160
'cause I got word
there's more coming.
439
00:18:03,220 --> 00:18:05,104
More coming?
440
00:18:05,297 --> 00:18:07,231
(hissing)
441
00:18:08,109 --> 00:18:09,683
We're surrounded.
442
00:18:09,777 --> 00:18:10,851
♪ ♪
443
00:18:10,945 --> 00:18:15,197
♪ Oh ♪
444
00:18:16,492 --> 00:18:18,534
(scatting)
445
00:18:20,879 --> 00:18:23,697
♪ Sea is neat,
but land is grand ♪
446
00:18:23,791 --> 00:18:26,291
♪ Who needs the water
when you've got sand? ♪
447
00:18:26,443 --> 00:18:30,945
♪ No thanks, gills,
we've got the thrills of land ♪
448
00:18:31,006 --> 00:18:32,631
(scatting)
449
00:18:36,494 --> 00:18:39,045
♪ Underwater is just all wet ♪
450
00:18:39,140 --> 00:18:41,807
♪ So we became a double threat ♪
451
00:18:41,958 --> 00:18:44,050
♪ Terra firma ♪
452
00:18:44,145 --> 00:18:46,553
♪ Just got more squirma. ♪
453
00:18:46,647 --> 00:18:48,796
Fellas. Fellas.
454
00:18:48,858 --> 00:18:50,874
Are you okay?
455
00:18:50,934 --> 00:18:52,376
(whimpering)
456
00:18:52,477 --> 00:18:55,970
Classic snakehead hallucination.
457
00:18:56,031 --> 00:18:58,973
The fish. The fish!
Where is he? Did you get him?
458
00:18:58,993 --> 00:19:00,384
No, you did.
459
00:19:00,444 --> 00:19:02,661
-RUTH: You're a hero, Wayne.
-(hissing)
460
00:19:02,812 --> 00:19:04,479
You passed out,
but you never let go.
461
00:19:04,582 --> 00:19:07,407
What's gonna happen
to the fish, homes?
462
00:19:07,501 --> 00:19:10,318
We'll return him to Asia,
where he can start a new life
463
00:19:10,337 --> 00:19:12,504
with his family
in his natural habitat.
464
00:19:12,673 --> 00:19:14,006
Ah!
465
00:19:17,127 --> 00:19:20,161
(air horn blares)
466
00:19:21,131 --> 00:19:23,073
BETTY:
Violet, what is all this?
467
00:19:23,133 --> 00:19:25,242
The ceremony works best
468
00:19:25,344 --> 00:19:27,835
if we're close to the moon.
469
00:19:27,897 --> 00:19:29,246
Or whatever.
470
00:19:29,306 --> 00:19:32,082
-A séance?
-It's the only way.
471
00:19:32,142 --> 00:19:34,008
"Spirits of the alternate realm,
472
00:19:34,111 --> 00:19:37,754
"we summon thee and ask of you
this one simple favor.
473
00:19:37,814 --> 00:19:41,441
-Do not lift this curse."
-Wait, wh-wh-wh-wh-what?
474
00:19:41,535 --> 00:19:45,095
Look, all daughters
are driven crazy by their moms,
475
00:19:45,155 --> 00:19:46,538
and all mothers are driven crazy
476
00:19:46,707 --> 00:19:48,265
trying to protect
their daughters.
477
00:19:48,283 --> 00:19:49,933
So, I'm not a curse on Jenny?
478
00:19:49,993 --> 00:19:52,527
Oh, no, you definitely are.
And Mom's a curse to me.
479
00:19:52,588 --> 00:19:55,439
I mean, I've already inherited
her stubbornness,
480
00:19:55,457 --> 00:19:57,607
just like she inherited
your gullibility.
481
00:19:57,668 --> 00:20:00,444
And you are totally turning
into Gram, but that's okay.
482
00:20:00,462 --> 00:20:03,296
Our quirks are annoying,
but they shape who we are
483
00:20:03,449 --> 00:20:04,781
and connect us to each other.
484
00:20:04,841 --> 00:20:06,450
The important thing here
485
00:20:06,510 --> 00:20:10,136
is no matter what,
we love each other to death.
486
00:20:10,231 --> 00:20:12,380
So, curse, do your worst.
487
00:20:12,441 --> 00:20:14,791
So I have said,
so let it be done.
488
00:20:14,851 --> 00:20:15,809
-(thunder crashes)
-(spits)
489
00:20:15,945 --> 00:20:16,977
So I have said,
490
00:20:17,112 --> 00:20:19,071
so let it be done.
(spits)
491
00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:21,740
-Great. I guess we're done here.
-JENNY: Violet,
492
00:20:21,909 --> 00:20:23,075
spit in your hand now.
493
00:20:23,244 --> 00:20:26,136
(spits)
So I have said,
494
00:20:26,196 --> 00:20:27,395
so let it be done.
495
00:20:27,456 --> 00:20:29,656
The Hart women have spoken.
496
00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:30,974
-(whoops)
-(gasps)
497
00:20:31,034 --> 00:20:32,233
Mother, watch it!
498
00:20:32,253 --> 00:20:33,735
-Mom, a spider web! Ew!
-(Jenny yelps)
499
00:20:33,796 --> 00:20:36,421
-How did I get so blessed?
-(grunting)
500
00:20:40,711 --> 00:20:42,210
Well, the good news is
even though I was exposed
501
00:20:42,304 --> 00:20:43,929
to a boatload
of toxic fish slime,
502
00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:45,264
the paramedics said my brain
503
00:20:45,457 --> 00:20:46,656
should be back to no time
in normal.
504
00:20:46,675 --> 00:20:48,325
Speaking of danger,
505
00:20:48,343 --> 00:20:49,768
you fellas want to douse
your pants in lighter fluid
506
00:20:49,961 --> 00:20:51,161
and jump over this fire?
507
00:20:51,221 --> 00:20:53,438
(snoring)
508
00:20:53,607 --> 00:20:55,590
Aw, I finally tuckered them out.
(chuckles)
509
00:20:55,609 --> 00:20:57,442
What'd you girls
get into this weekend?
510
00:20:57,635 --> 00:20:59,686
Oh, just some
light occult stuff.
511
00:20:59,838 --> 00:21:02,506
You know,
small family-based exorcism.
512
00:21:02,566 --> 00:21:06,785
Republic of Banana,
I send thee to hell!
513
00:21:06,978 --> 00:21:08,845
Wow, they even burn boring.
514
00:21:08,947 --> 00:21:11,848
Jenny, I'm sorry
I caused you so much trouble
515
00:21:11,867 --> 00:21:14,108
and will continue to do so
till I'm dead.
516
00:21:14,169 --> 00:21:15,794
It's okay. And besides,
517
00:21:15,945 --> 00:21:17,612
I get to turn around
and do it all to Violet,
518
00:21:17,715 --> 00:21:20,206
-so feel sorry for her.
-So I am cursed.
519
00:21:20,301 --> 00:21:22,542
-Yes!
-We all are, honey.
520
00:21:22,678 --> 00:21:24,678
We all are.
521
00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:28,682
(scatting)
522
00:21:30,093 --> 00:21:31,885
-(meows)
-(horn honks musically)
523
00:21:32,037 --> 00:21:34,037
Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
524
00:21:34,097 --> 00:21:35,272
and TOYOTA.