1 00:00:02,728 --> 00:00:03,985 Oh! So glad to see you. 2 00:00:04,130 --> 00:00:05,412 We've been out of TP the last few days. 3 00:00:05,564 --> 00:00:07,322 People been using the kid's menu to wipe. 4 00:00:07,383 --> 00:00:09,399 (chuckles) And by people, I mean me. 5 00:00:09,460 --> 00:00:11,084 (groans) 6 00:00:11,220 --> 00:00:12,736 What's all this? 7 00:00:12,755 --> 00:00:14,421 Oh, I've had my personal deliveries 8 00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:16,406 rerouted to work temporarily 9 00:00:16,508 --> 00:00:18,575 'cause some nasty ole porch pirates 10 00:00:18,635 --> 00:00:20,835 have sailed into my neighborhood. 11 00:00:20,855 --> 00:00:22,670 So silly. I don't even remember 12 00:00:22,732 --> 00:00:25,749 what I ordered, y'all. You know how that is. 13 00:00:25,768 --> 00:00:27,267 Oh, sure. (chuckles) 14 00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:28,802 Buying whatever you want without thinking about the cost? 15 00:00:28,863 --> 00:00:31,088 (chuckles): Totally. That's my whole deal. 16 00:00:31,148 --> 00:00:33,181 -This bitch. -LOUISE: Oh, 17 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:35,016 look at this little dealy-bobber, y'all. 18 00:00:35,077 --> 00:00:37,427 I totally forgot I even got this. 19 00:00:37,446 --> 00:00:39,780 Oh, that's one of those super expensive LED face masks 20 00:00:39,874 --> 00:00:42,282 that sets your face's clock back five years. 21 00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:43,950 You ordered something I would die to own 22 00:00:44,045 --> 00:00:45,377 and then forgot about it. 23 00:00:45,529 --> 00:00:48,605 -(laughs): Literally forgot. -This bitch. 24 00:00:48,665 --> 00:00:51,792 Y'all, online shopping is my nightly ritual. 25 00:00:51,927 --> 00:00:54,386 It's not even about the stuff. It's about the clicking 26 00:00:54,579 --> 00:00:56,963 and knowing something fun is on the way. 27 00:00:57,058 --> 00:01:00,784 (laughs, gasps) An Everlasting Rose. 28 00:01:00,886 --> 00:01:01,802 (grunts) 29 00:01:01,954 --> 00:01:03,453 This bitch. 30 00:01:03,514 --> 00:01:05,455 I must've bought this when I closed my eyes 31 00:01:05,516 --> 00:01:07,232 and I just played that game where I go 32 00:01:07,425 --> 00:01:10,627 "bee, boo, bee, boo, bop" on the keyboard. 33 00:01:10,646 --> 00:01:14,222 The Summer Delight Frozé Machine by Hoda Kotb that turns rosé 34 00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:16,724 into a delicious alcohol Slusherito. 35 00:01:16,786 --> 00:01:18,985 (laughs, squeals) 36 00:01:19,138 --> 00:01:21,305 This $500 angel's gonna help me fuel 37 00:01:21,365 --> 00:01:22,915 tonight's spree. 38 00:01:23,108 --> 00:01:24,825 I am so bad. 39 00:01:24,919 --> 00:01:26,585 Okay, well, I'll see y'all later. 40 00:01:26,736 --> 00:01:28,662 Good luck with your tips tonight. 41 00:01:28,814 --> 00:01:30,147 Doo, doo-doo-doo. 42 00:01:30,249 --> 00:01:32,758 I see some pretty great tips right here. 43 00:01:32,951 --> 00:01:36,428 (whoops) We are gonna party with this luxury item tonight. 44 00:01:36,621 --> 00:01:38,672 (whoops) Yeah, we are. 45 00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:39,747 Huh? 46 00:01:39,809 --> 00:01:41,583 Oh, come on. 47 00:01:41,685 --> 00:01:43,685 ♪ ♪ 48 00:02:12,675 --> 00:02:14,258 (engine starts) 49 00:02:15,177 --> 00:02:16,209 (heavenly music plays) 50 00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:17,861 -Hey! -Oh. Hey. 51 00:02:17,921 --> 00:02:20,380 Jesus, you know how there's really cool stuff 52 00:02:20,532 --> 00:02:22,307 we all want, the nonessential stuff 53 00:02:22,500 --> 00:02:24,034 that makes life worth living? 54 00:02:24,052 --> 00:02:25,552 (laughs): Yeah, totally. 55 00:02:25,704 --> 00:02:27,312 I have always wanted a SodaStream, for instance. 56 00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:29,373 So we're on the same page. Good. 57 00:02:29,391 --> 00:02:31,650 Everyone deserves a windfall, and that's where you come in. 58 00:02:31,843 --> 00:02:34,486 Okay, that's my cue. I may hang out on the wall, 59 00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:36,155 but I am not an ATM. 60 00:02:36,306 --> 00:02:38,640 N-N-N-No, I'm not asking for cash. (laughs) 61 00:02:38,701 --> 00:02:41,718 No, just a nudge in the, in the direction of cash. 62 00:02:41,778 --> 00:02:43,570 You know, a little hint, a little wink, 63 00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:46,056 -a little sign, a little somethin' somethin'. -Jenny... 64 00:02:46,074 --> 00:02:47,557 you know I cannot do that. 65 00:02:47,618 --> 00:02:49,075 No, no, no, don't you get back on that wall. 66 00:02:49,170 --> 00:02:50,410 -(heavenly music plays) -(clang) 67 00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:53,297 -Hey, is that the Rapture? -Where? 68 00:02:54,175 --> 00:02:55,674 (grumbles) 69 00:02:58,536 --> 00:03:00,161 -(entry bell chimes) -(sniffs deeply) 70 00:03:00,264 --> 00:03:03,182 Ah, sweet, sweet sawdust. That's the smell of 71 00:03:03,375 --> 00:03:05,684 something's about to get built. (chuckles) 72 00:03:05,877 --> 00:03:08,595 (inhales, exhales) 73 00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:10,764 Oh, thank God, Wayne. 74 00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:12,432 I was just wondering if you could help me, 75 00:03:12,568 --> 00:03:15,085 'cause I can never find an employee in this place. 76 00:03:15,145 --> 00:03:16,753 I'm trying to build a porch ramp 77 00:03:16,855 --> 00:03:18,422 for my mother's wheelchair. 78 00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:19,773 I can't tell you how many times I've 79 00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:22,609 dumped her down those stairs by accident. 80 00:03:22,761 --> 00:03:24,352 Well, we cannot have that. 81 00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:26,430 (chuckles): You're gonna want to head over to aisle 44 82 00:03:26,490 --> 00:03:28,765 for lumber, then aisle 16 for concrete, 83 00:03:28,825 --> 00:03:30,267 then aisle 28 for your joists. 84 00:03:30,327 --> 00:03:31,693 Take a right at commodes. 85 00:03:31,754 --> 00:03:34,104 Oh, Wayne, hey, where's the industrial strength 86 00:03:34,122 --> 00:03:35,622 anchor screws and plaster? 87 00:03:35,758 --> 00:03:37,865 Dawn's boyfriend broke up with her before her shift, 88 00:03:37,927 --> 00:03:39,218 and she was dancing mad. 89 00:03:39,386 --> 00:03:41,053 Ripped the pole right out of the ceiling. 90 00:03:41,222 --> 00:03:44,223 -Oh, shoot, plaster's aisle 60. -MAN: You there! 91 00:03:44,416 --> 00:03:46,967 -No way... -Who are you?! 92 00:03:47,119 --> 00:03:50,787 -Is that...? -Oh, wow, looks like Old Man Bigsby himself. 93 00:03:50,806 --> 00:03:52,547 I thought he died. 94 00:03:52,608 --> 00:03:57,569 The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated. (coughs) 95 00:03:57,762 --> 00:03:58,979 (oxygen hissing) 96 00:03:59,073 --> 00:04:02,390 John Bigsby. The John Bigsby. 97 00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:04,559 Wow. I grew up in your hardware store, sir. 98 00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:06,987 This is where I learned how to build stuff. 99 00:04:07,081 --> 00:04:09,489 And your commercials. Oh... 100 00:04:09,625 --> 00:04:11,825 ♪ There's no job too big or small ♪ 101 00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:13,493 ♪ At Bigsby's ♪ 102 00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:16,404 Doorknobs, washer-dryers, boxes and brackets. 103 00:04:16,465 --> 00:04:18,590 American flags. Mowers. 104 00:04:18,742 --> 00:04:21,318 And this week only, it's Dimmer Mania! 105 00:04:21,378 --> 00:04:24,004 ANNOUNCER: Dimmer Mania! 106 00:04:24,098 --> 00:04:25,931 -♪ At Bigsby's ♪ -That's me. 107 00:04:26,124 --> 00:04:27,432 That's right, Two-By-Four. 108 00:04:27,584 --> 00:04:31,103 Bigsby's prices are out of this world. 109 00:04:32,356 --> 00:04:34,347 Houston, we have a solution. 110 00:04:34,483 --> 00:04:36,257 ♪ There's no job too big or small ♪ 111 00:04:36,318 --> 00:04:38,926 ♪ At Bigsby's ♪ 112 00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:40,279 ♪ That's right. ♪ 113 00:04:40,430 --> 00:04:43,523 I love your whole vibe, Dad, sir, Mr. Bigsby. 114 00:04:43,675 --> 00:04:45,509 Watching you talk to my customers right now, 115 00:04:45,527 --> 00:04:48,287 well, you're more knowledgeable than most of my paid employees. 116 00:04:48,438 --> 00:04:49,788 Thank you, sir. 117 00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:52,015 How'd you like to come work here full-time? 118 00:04:52,075 --> 00:04:53,775 Work here, 119 00:04:53,836 --> 00:04:56,019 at the church where I grew up, filling the hole 120 00:04:56,038 --> 00:04:57,354 left by my absent father, 121 00:04:57,372 --> 00:04:59,113 where I would come to escape it all? 122 00:04:59,174 --> 00:05:01,633 Just walking down the aisles, dreaming of building my way 123 00:05:01,785 --> 00:05:03,393 out of my difficult home life... 124 00:05:03,420 --> 00:05:06,120 Well, I don't have time for your whole backstory, son. 125 00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:08,198 Grab an apron. 126 00:05:08,258 --> 00:05:10,033 This is a true honor, Dad. 127 00:05:10,093 --> 00:05:11,718 Sir. Bigsby Dad. 128 00:05:11,870 --> 00:05:15,022 You work on Christmas or you're fired! 129 00:05:17,175 --> 00:05:18,725 Oh, we're taking this guy down. 130 00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:21,153 Agreed, homes. 131 00:05:25,326 --> 00:05:27,809 With just one scratch, I could win a million dollars. 132 00:05:27,870 --> 00:05:30,220 That's why I would die for this country. 133 00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:32,389 If you keep wasting money on scratchers, 134 00:05:32,407 --> 00:05:34,166 we'll never get to waste it on anything fun. 135 00:05:34,359 --> 00:05:36,076 Don't you besmirch my occupation, 136 00:05:36,170 --> 00:05:38,420 you communist USA hater. 137 00:05:40,716 --> 00:05:43,008 Stupid scratchers. 138 00:05:44,127 --> 00:05:46,345 Why can't I have nice things? 139 00:05:46,538 --> 00:05:48,263 Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. What? 140 00:05:54,096 --> 00:05:55,837 Is this the sign that I asked for? 141 00:05:55,898 --> 00:05:58,357 Seriously, Jesus, I've never bought a scratcher in my life. 142 00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:01,434 (over stereo): ♪ I saw the sign... ♪ 143 00:06:01,587 --> 00:06:03,937 Okay, that's a little crazy. Oh, but you know what, 144 00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:06,013 I don't have any cash on me, so... 145 00:06:06,075 --> 00:06:08,015 Whoa. 146 00:06:08,077 --> 00:06:10,594 Holy crud balls. 147 00:06:11,488 --> 00:06:13,430 Oh, I can't believe I am doing this. 148 00:06:13,448 --> 00:06:15,207 Hi. Um, I would like to buy one of those 149 00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:17,117 biblical-themed scratch-offs. 150 00:06:17,269 --> 00:06:19,269 (gasps) My baby's first scratcher. 151 00:06:19,329 --> 00:06:22,122 Today's the day I can finally accept you 152 00:06:22,216 --> 00:06:24,532 as my daughter. 153 00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:25,959 Jenny, wait. 154 00:06:26,111 --> 00:06:27,961 Now, don't scratch it just yet, savor it. 155 00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:29,946 What you're experiencing right now 156 00:06:29,965 --> 00:06:31,281 is called the "gambler's rush." 157 00:06:31,299 --> 00:06:33,633 It's the best feeling in the world. 158 00:06:33,785 --> 00:06:36,686 And it has no downsides. 159 00:06:39,224 --> 00:06:40,790 Okay, now. 160 00:06:40,851 --> 00:06:43,485 ♪ ♪ 161 00:06:45,114 --> 00:06:47,030 (gasping) 162 00:06:49,985 --> 00:06:52,302 Mother... I won! 163 00:06:52,362 --> 00:06:54,061 We won. I'm feeling faint. 164 00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:55,305 (groans) 165 00:06:55,365 --> 00:06:56,823 Thank you, Jesus. 166 00:06:56,959 --> 00:06:59,167 High kick! 167 00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:03,404 -(laughter) -Whoa. 168 00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:06,091 Are y'all drinking wine from a bottle? What happened? 169 00:07:06,284 --> 00:07:07,926 Did y'all win the lottery or something? 170 00:07:08,119 --> 00:07:09,761 Well, Wayne, as a matter of fact, 171 00:07:09,954 --> 00:07:11,488 -We... -I... 172 00:07:11,590 --> 00:07:14,491 ...won $2,000. 173 00:07:14,551 --> 00:07:16,751 No way. 174 00:07:16,854 --> 00:07:18,770 Oh, my God. Jenny! 175 00:07:18,922 --> 00:07:22,256 (cheering and laughing) 176 00:07:22,317 --> 00:07:24,334 Hey, are you wearing a Bigsby's apron? 177 00:07:24,394 --> 00:07:25,685 I got a job today. 178 00:07:25,821 --> 00:07:27,279 (gasps) At Bigsby's? 179 00:07:27,430 --> 00:07:28,855 Well, that is your favorite place on Earth. 180 00:07:28,991 --> 00:07:31,766 Oh, Wayne, congratulations. 181 00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:35,036 Look at us. We are in the money, y'all. 182 00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:41,168 ♪ ♪ 183 00:07:45,674 --> 00:07:47,382 Damn. 184 00:07:49,994 --> 00:07:51,085 (groans) 185 00:07:51,180 --> 00:07:52,429 (gasping) 186 00:07:54,090 --> 00:07:56,224 (cheering) 187 00:07:57,644 --> 00:07:59,978 ♪ ♪ 188 00:08:00,171 --> 00:08:01,563 (gasps) 189 00:08:04,485 --> 00:08:05,391 (woman cackles) 190 00:08:05,486 --> 00:08:07,068 (others exclaim) 191 00:08:08,322 --> 00:08:10,322 Could one of you push me that stray cart? 192 00:08:12,050 --> 00:08:13,492 (car alarm blaring) 193 00:08:13,685 --> 00:08:15,243 What the hell? 194 00:08:17,113 --> 00:08:19,289 (laughing, squealing) 195 00:08:22,085 --> 00:08:24,169 Aw, look at that, the family 196 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:25,670 financial planners hard at work. 197 00:08:25,863 --> 00:08:26,671 BOTH: Hmm? 198 00:08:26,864 --> 00:08:28,231 I am begging you guys, 199 00:08:28,291 --> 00:08:30,250 go straight to the bank with this money. 200 00:08:30,344 --> 00:08:32,902 Do not pass mall, do not spend $200. 201 00:08:32,921 --> 00:08:35,739 We have to break the cycle of barely scraping by. 202 00:08:35,799 --> 00:08:38,575 Ugh, all right, I'll go to the stupid 203 00:08:38,635 --> 00:08:42,746 butt-nerd Ebenezer Snoozeville-no-fun money jail. 204 00:08:42,806 --> 00:08:45,690 -You mean the bank? -Yes. That's what I said, Violet. 205 00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:47,417 Let's work on our listening. 206 00:08:47,519 --> 00:08:49,027 -(spray hisses) -Ah! 207 00:08:49,178 --> 00:08:50,845 Dude, you blinked. Crotch swat! 208 00:08:50,906 --> 00:08:52,756 I swear to God, dude... Ow! 209 00:08:52,816 --> 00:08:55,258 -Aah, aah... -NORMA: Is this line open? 210 00:08:55,318 --> 00:08:58,019 Do y'all even work here? 211 00:08:58,121 --> 00:09:00,113 Norma, I'm open over here. 212 00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:03,116 They are a couple of clowns. 213 00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:05,860 And I want to feed those clowns to the lions. 214 00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:09,363 Okay, you know what, let me help you with that. 215 00:09:09,383 --> 00:09:11,216 Nice customer service, Wayne. 216 00:09:11,409 --> 00:09:13,718 See that, you lazy pile of turds? 217 00:09:13,911 --> 00:09:15,220 Wayne here has fire. 218 00:09:15,413 --> 00:09:17,463 He's a real Bigsby's man. 219 00:09:17,616 --> 00:09:20,058 It just makes me so angry thinking about you 220 00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:23,144 good-for-noth-- (groaning, coughing) 221 00:09:25,807 --> 00:09:28,733 Hey, Bigsby's butt boy, why you working so hard? 222 00:09:28,926 --> 00:09:31,385 Looks like you might need to take a snack break. 223 00:09:31,488 --> 00:09:33,521 -(blower whirring) -What? 224 00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:37,609 Okay, the "haze the new guy" routine is getting a little old. 225 00:09:37,803 --> 00:09:40,728 Yeah, open your mouth and just let it happen, Wayne. 226 00:09:40,789 --> 00:09:43,640 (laughing, choking) 227 00:09:43,700 --> 00:09:44,824 (coughs) 228 00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:47,502 (laughs) We got you, bro. 229 00:09:49,539 --> 00:09:51,815 Lord, I wish we could buy ourselves 230 00:09:51,875 --> 00:09:53,091 just a little something. 231 00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:55,151 I know, Mother. Me, too, but Vi's right. 232 00:09:55,211 --> 00:09:57,153 We gotta be responsible. (gasps) 233 00:09:57,255 --> 00:09:58,430 -Mother... -Pulling in. 234 00:09:58,581 --> 00:10:01,324 -♪ ♪ -Oh, my God... 235 00:10:01,384 --> 00:10:04,251 I've never seen one in person. 236 00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:06,512 It's the height of luxury. 237 00:10:06,665 --> 00:10:07,963 Pure class. 238 00:10:09,225 --> 00:10:12,018 I've only seen shoe chairs in magazines. 239 00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:13,853 Saw Kirstie Alley sitting on one once, 240 00:10:13,989 --> 00:10:17,115 smoking a cigar, looking like a boss. 241 00:10:17,308 --> 00:10:20,035 ♪ ♪ 242 00:10:24,315 --> 00:10:26,866 Okay, well, it's fun to dream. (chuckles) 243 00:10:27,018 --> 00:10:28,351 Let's get to the bank. 244 00:10:28,411 --> 00:10:30,979 -We had to, right? -No choice. 245 00:10:31,006 --> 00:10:33,022 Now get your flat butt out of that gorgeous shoe chair. 246 00:10:33,124 --> 00:10:34,674 It's my turn. 247 00:10:38,454 --> 00:10:39,804 All right, get up. Violet's coming home soon, 248 00:10:39,956 --> 00:10:41,122 and this beauty needs to be 249 00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:42,548 in my bedroom, where she belongs. 250 00:10:42,643 --> 00:10:44,217 -It's from my winnings! -I gave you the idea! 251 00:10:44,353 --> 00:10:46,627 Oh. My disc is bulging. 252 00:10:46,688 --> 00:10:48,388 It needs the firm, luxurious support 253 00:10:48,482 --> 00:10:50,039 -of that shoe chair. -(grunts) 254 00:10:50,058 --> 00:10:51,374 Stop faking, Mother. 255 00:10:51,393 --> 00:10:52,484 No. Not till you give me that chair. 256 00:10:52,635 --> 00:10:54,227 All right, how about you luxuriate 257 00:10:54,379 --> 00:10:55,879 in the chair Monday through Wednesday, 258 00:10:55,897 --> 00:10:58,139 and I'll bask in its majestic wonder the other days. 259 00:10:58,158 --> 00:10:59,883 No way! That gives you the weekends. 260 00:10:59,943 --> 00:11:01,976 Ah. Well, why don't we just swap every other day 261 00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:03,553 -until somebody dies? -Oh, you're just counting the seconds 262 00:11:03,613 --> 00:11:04,979 to my death so you can have that chair. 263 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:06,647 I'm gonna have to get a food taster. 264 00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:09,668 (shrieking) 265 00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:13,988 I am guessing you didn't get that giant shoe 266 00:11:14,091 --> 00:11:15,489 for opening up a bank account. 267 00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:19,052 Ruh-roh. The other shoe chair has dropped. 268 00:11:22,099 --> 00:11:22,997 (engine running) 269 00:11:23,058 --> 00:11:25,141 ♪ ♪ 270 00:11:26,761 --> 00:11:28,520 Guys, come on. 271 00:11:28,689 --> 00:11:30,188 Just let me do my job. 272 00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:32,006 Look, you need to know something, friend. 273 00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:33,599 You're getting in the way of our plan, 274 00:11:33,694 --> 00:11:36,569 which is come to work and not work. Or else! 275 00:11:38,848 --> 00:11:40,407 You're gonna kill me? 276 00:11:41,893 --> 00:11:43,109 Wait, are we gonna kill him? 277 00:11:43,261 --> 00:11:44,093 Probably not. 278 00:11:44,112 --> 00:11:45,853 Put it to a vote later. 279 00:11:45,914 --> 00:11:48,431 Meanwhile, we don't need you around here doing a "good job" 280 00:11:48,491 --> 00:11:50,767 'cause then Bigsby's gonna want that from all of us. 281 00:11:50,869 --> 00:11:52,769 And that is no bueno. 282 00:11:52,829 --> 00:11:55,696 We were never here. 283 00:11:55,716 --> 00:11:58,049 We're supposed to do our cool exit right now. 284 00:11:58,242 --> 00:12:00,051 -Go, go, go. -Copy. 285 00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:03,037 (grunts) 286 00:12:03,131 --> 00:12:04,872 ♪ ♪ 287 00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:06,391 She's done with us. 288 00:12:06,584 --> 00:12:09,619 Well, it's the same way Whoopi looks at Megan McCrain-- 289 00:12:09,721 --> 00:12:10,878 pure rage. 290 00:12:10,939 --> 00:12:12,313 VIOLET: Guys, shut up. 291 00:12:14,476 --> 00:12:16,067 I love it. 292 00:12:16,219 --> 00:12:18,978 But you said you didn't want us buying anything frivolous. 293 00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,630 Yeah, frivolous. 294 00:12:20,648 --> 00:12:23,299 But this shoe chair is magnificent. 295 00:12:23,359 --> 00:12:25,301 I didn't know I needed it until I saw it. 296 00:12:25,361 --> 00:12:27,394 It is the most beautiful... 297 00:12:27,456 --> 00:12:29,914 dumb-butt, glittering monstrosity 298 00:12:30,066 --> 00:12:31,398 I've ever seen. 299 00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:33,585 -I love you, baby! -It's always that way 300 00:12:33,736 --> 00:12:35,144 -with shoe chairs. -This shoe chair is a dream. -Shoe chairs heal. 301 00:12:35,205 --> 00:12:36,829 Well, I just hope you ladies are ready 302 00:12:36,982 --> 00:12:39,315 for the life overhaul this chair demands. 303 00:12:39,375 --> 00:12:40,759 What do you mean? 304 00:12:40,910 --> 00:12:42,927 We can't sit around looking like this 305 00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:45,263 now that we have a shoe chair. 306 00:12:45,414 --> 00:12:47,414 We need to up the wow factor in our lifestyle. 307 00:12:47,476 --> 00:12:49,826 Hashtag agree, backslash MeToo. 308 00:12:49,844 --> 00:12:51,585 No, Mother. 309 00:12:51,646 --> 00:12:53,679 I know it's gonna be painful, but we gotta be responsible 310 00:12:53,832 --> 00:12:55,848 and take whatever money's left and put it in the b... 311 00:12:55,942 --> 00:12:58,351 ♪ Wild women do ♪ 312 00:12:58,445 --> 00:13:01,654 ♪ And they don't regret it ♪ 313 00:13:03,158 --> 00:13:04,173 ♪ Whoo! ♪ 314 00:13:04,234 --> 00:13:06,451 ♪ ♪ 315 00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,287 ♪ Here I come, baby... ♪ 316 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:12,606 We look great. 317 00:13:12,709 --> 00:13:15,201 (sighs) That felt great. What a rush. 318 00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:17,778 But this is it. The end of the line, okay? 319 00:13:17,798 --> 00:13:20,356 The shoe chair and the outfits and we're fin... 320 00:13:20,416 --> 00:13:22,467 ♪ Wild women do ♪ 321 00:13:22,660 --> 00:13:26,304 ♪ And they don't regret it ♪ 322 00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:30,533 ♪ Wild women show ♪ 323 00:13:30,593 --> 00:13:33,052 ♪ What they're going through... ♪ 324 00:13:33,188 --> 00:13:35,129 Now we're talking. 325 00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:37,131 That shoe chair is really in its element. 326 00:13:37,192 --> 00:13:39,408 Hmm. I know, but... 327 00:13:39,410 --> 00:13:40,652 What? 328 00:13:40,821 --> 00:13:42,654 Eh, we were happy for a second, but now... 329 00:13:42,823 --> 00:13:44,322 (slurping) 330 00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:46,232 ...we're just not feeling it. 331 00:13:46,384 --> 00:13:48,051 Yeah, something's killing my buzz. 332 00:13:48,111 --> 00:13:49,235 Y'all, I know what you're feeling right now 333 00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:50,311 'cause I'm feeling it, too. 334 00:13:50,372 --> 00:13:51,645 But we are out of money. 335 00:13:51,665 --> 00:13:53,056 If we got anything else, 336 00:13:53,116 --> 00:13:54,165 we'd have to put it on a credit ca... 337 00:13:54,317 --> 00:13:56,334 ♪ Wild women do ♪ 338 00:13:56,527 --> 00:13:59,170 ♪ What you think they'll never... ♪ 339 00:14:00,456 --> 00:14:02,674 (electricity buzzing) 340 00:14:09,391 --> 00:14:11,182 ♪ Wild women do ♪ 341 00:14:11,375 --> 00:14:12,684 ♪ What you think... ♪ 342 00:14:12,877 --> 00:14:14,394 (engine idling) 343 00:14:16,047 --> 00:14:18,264 Oh, man, those dipwads just left 344 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,750 a running forklift in the middle of an aisle? 345 00:14:20,852 --> 00:14:21,918 What the-- Whoa, whoa, 346 00:14:22,020 --> 00:14:23,102 whoa, whoa, whoa! 347 00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:24,253 I can't brake! 348 00:14:24,314 --> 00:14:25,512 What's wrong with this thing? 349 00:14:25,574 --> 00:14:28,349 Oh, Lord! Oh, what is all that? 350 00:14:28,451 --> 00:14:29,850 (shouts) 351 00:14:29,953 --> 00:14:32,036 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 352 00:14:33,656 --> 00:14:36,207 Aw, Mr. Bigsby, look what Wayne did. 353 00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:38,117 No, Mr. Bigsby, I swear, they did this. 354 00:14:38,253 --> 00:14:40,545 They sabotaged this poor forklift. 355 00:14:40,738 --> 00:14:41,862 It wasn't me, I-I swear. 356 00:14:41,923 --> 00:14:43,623 -Slander! -I'm yelling! 357 00:14:43,775 --> 00:14:45,274 Oh, you disappoint me, Wayne. 358 00:14:45,335 --> 00:14:46,626 No, no, no! Don't say disappoint. 359 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:49,445 Say a different word. Uh, happy-point? 360 00:14:49,505 --> 00:14:52,782 It doesn't have to be that. Just say, "I love you, son." 361 00:14:52,842 --> 00:14:54,875 I only have one son, 362 00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:57,711 and unfortunately, that's Peter. 363 00:14:57,772 --> 00:14:59,564 What? Really? 364 00:14:59,715 --> 00:15:01,548 Anyway, the other unfortunate fact 365 00:15:01,610 --> 00:15:05,628 is that forklift accidents are a fireable offense. 366 00:15:05,688 --> 00:15:07,130 You heard him, Wayne-O. 367 00:15:07,190 --> 00:15:09,482 Take your hardworking ass on out of here. 368 00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:13,727 ♪ There's no job too big or small ♪ 369 00:15:13,788 --> 00:15:16,155 ♪ At Bigsby's. ♪ 370 00:15:16,307 --> 00:15:18,082 You know what? Screw this place. 371 00:15:18,275 --> 00:15:20,168 I'm never coming back! 372 00:15:24,782 --> 00:15:25,924 (phone alarm chirping) 373 00:15:26,117 --> 00:15:27,150 It's the "get up" alarm. 374 00:15:27,168 --> 00:15:28,818 It's my turn. 375 00:15:28,836 --> 00:15:31,154 My turn in this chair is over when I say it's over. 376 00:15:31,255 --> 00:15:32,931 -Actually, it's our turn. -DAVID: Yeah. 377 00:15:33,124 --> 00:15:34,157 We've been at school all day. 378 00:15:34,258 --> 00:15:35,934 That's on you. 379 00:15:36,085 --> 00:15:37,660 (yelling, grunting) 380 00:15:37,679 --> 00:15:39,753 Don't you smudge my turq-waz. I will stab you all! 381 00:15:39,773 --> 00:15:41,922 -Ow! -Unhand my caftan, you elderly banshee! 382 00:15:41,983 --> 00:15:44,333 Get off my chair now! 383 00:15:44,352 --> 00:15:45,685 Or I'm gonna roll you into a ditch! 384 00:15:45,779 --> 00:15:47,928 BETTY: Warrior cry! 385 00:15:47,948 --> 00:15:49,280 (shouting continues) 386 00:15:50,141 --> 00:15:52,525 Who am I? 387 00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:54,601 ♪ ♪ 388 00:15:54,663 --> 00:15:56,704 (distorted shouting) 389 00:15:59,501 --> 00:16:02,627 Stop! Stop! Look at what's happening! 390 00:16:02,820 --> 00:16:05,279 This stuff is turning us into monsters. 391 00:16:05,340 --> 00:16:07,632 Y'all, we are better than this. 392 00:16:09,210 --> 00:16:10,969 -Nice try, loser. -(grunting) 393 00:16:11,162 --> 00:16:12,637 Y'all, I mean it. 394 00:16:12,788 --> 00:16:14,288 We went too far. 395 00:16:14,349 --> 00:16:16,123 -All this stuff needs to go back. -Hell no! 396 00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:18,718 You'll take this chair from my cold dead butt. 397 00:16:18,853 --> 00:16:21,220 Make that two cold dead butts. 398 00:16:21,372 --> 00:16:24,131 Mother, I'm sorry, but I'm doing this. 399 00:16:24,192 --> 00:16:26,042 Then I renounce you as my kin, 400 00:16:26,102 --> 00:16:28,044 and I hereby legally adopt David. 401 00:16:28,104 --> 00:16:29,445 Squee! 402 00:16:35,853 --> 00:16:37,328 -(sighs) -(door opens) 403 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,405 Oh, Wayne, this day. 404 00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:42,983 Oh, Lord, did the lottery really ruin our lives that quickly? 405 00:16:43,086 --> 00:16:44,744 Yes, Wayne, it did. 406 00:16:44,838 --> 00:16:46,653 Now please tell me about your day at work. 407 00:16:46,715 --> 00:16:47,839 I need some good news. 408 00:16:48,032 --> 00:16:49,656 Well, how do I say this? 409 00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:52,068 I got framed for forklift malfeasance, 410 00:16:52,128 --> 00:16:55,755 and now I... don't work at Bigsby's anymore. 411 00:16:55,907 --> 00:16:57,573 Oh, Wayne... 412 00:16:57,592 --> 00:16:59,183 Also, do you know that they charge an apron rental fee? 413 00:16:59,376 --> 00:17:01,001 I had to write a check on my way out. 414 00:17:01,062 --> 00:17:03,763 Oh, no. I'm so sorry, Wayne. 415 00:17:03,915 --> 00:17:05,339 But could I ask you to help me 416 00:17:05,442 --> 00:17:07,191 -load the shoe chair into your truck? -What? 417 00:17:07,384 --> 00:17:10,528 Take it back? Aw, no, Jenny. You love that chair. 418 00:17:10,679 --> 00:17:13,013 No, it's going back. That shoe chair is a curse. 419 00:17:13,074 --> 00:17:15,533 It needs to be in all our rearviews. 420 00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:17,426 (gasps) 421 00:17:17,487 --> 00:17:19,353 Oh, what? They took the chair? 422 00:17:19,456 --> 00:17:22,431 You three sneaky Judases. 423 00:17:22,450 --> 00:17:24,208 VIOLET: Make that two sneaky Judases. 424 00:17:24,401 --> 00:17:27,211 Can someone come in here and untie me? 425 00:17:27,363 --> 00:17:29,105 Oh, my Lord, Violet! 426 00:17:29,165 --> 00:17:31,123 Where in the hell did Bonnie and Clyde take the shoe chair? 427 00:17:31,276 --> 00:17:33,718 All I heard was that they were gonna cross state lines. 428 00:17:33,887 --> 00:17:38,681 When Mother crosses state lines, she always stops at one place. 429 00:17:40,134 --> 00:17:41,784 You look amazing, Betty. 430 00:17:41,886 --> 00:17:44,878 What brings those hot buns of yours to the Virginia border? 431 00:17:44,939 --> 00:17:47,381 I'm starting anew with my son 432 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:50,068 and a life-changing piece of furniture. 433 00:17:50,261 --> 00:17:52,886 Son? (laughs) 434 00:17:52,989 --> 00:17:54,238 -Is he mine? -Mama Betty. 435 00:17:54,431 --> 00:17:56,056 Your old family. Now o'clock. 436 00:17:56,117 --> 00:17:57,983 Damn it! Get your little heinie in the car. 437 00:17:58,078 --> 00:18:00,894 ♪ ♪ 438 00:18:00,955 --> 00:18:03,247 (tires screeching) 439 00:18:05,276 --> 00:18:08,144 Mother, if you don't pull over, I will call the church 440 00:18:08,204 --> 00:18:09,645 and tell them your birth year! 441 00:18:09,705 --> 00:18:10,663 You don't know it! 442 00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:11,923 Well, I'll make one up, 443 00:18:12,092 --> 00:18:13,549 and I'll really lowball it. 444 00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:16,094 Look out! 445 00:18:18,256 --> 00:18:21,099 ALL: No...! 446 00:18:23,127 --> 00:18:25,269 (sobbing) 447 00:18:27,832 --> 00:18:29,165 Like Anna Nicole Smith, 448 00:18:29,183 --> 00:18:32,443 you were just too beautiful for this world. 449 00:18:32,595 --> 00:18:35,563 And the worst part is... is now we can't even return it. 450 00:18:35,657 --> 00:18:38,265 Y'all, I think I can put this mess back together, but... 451 00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:39,951 it's gonna take a pitstop back at Bigsby's. 452 00:18:40,102 --> 00:18:43,195 Oh, Wayne, I don't want you to have to go back in there. 453 00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:45,698 Don't worry about it, Jenny. 454 00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:47,274 I'm not gonna let those turds 455 00:18:47,335 --> 00:18:49,276 take my favorite place away from me. 456 00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:50,853 Can I still be your son? 457 00:18:50,955 --> 00:18:53,047 Mm. Baby, that ship has sailed. 458 00:18:56,252 --> 00:18:59,028 Wayne! There he is. Glad you're back. 459 00:18:59,088 --> 00:19:00,621 No, no, no. I'm not back. 460 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,290 I'm just here to get stuff to repair a chair. 461 00:19:03,351 --> 00:19:06,627 Wayne, I never realized what sad shape this store was in 462 00:19:06,688 --> 00:19:08,345 until you came and went. 463 00:19:08,539 --> 00:19:11,390 This is the last day of Bigsby's Hardware! 464 00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:13,484 -What? -He's gonna blow it up. 465 00:19:13,636 --> 00:19:15,636 Yep. When I started this company, 466 00:19:15,697 --> 00:19:18,047 I knew one day I would either pass it on to my son 467 00:19:18,107 --> 00:19:19,398 or blow it up. 468 00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:21,567 And I'm not passing it to this turd. 469 00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:24,053 So explosion it is. 470 00:19:24,113 --> 00:19:26,222 Mr. Bigsby, no. I-It's an institution. 471 00:19:26,282 --> 00:19:28,741 You don't have any other family you could leave it to? 472 00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:30,242 Well, yes. 473 00:19:30,395 --> 00:19:31,652 I do have a daughter, Amy, 474 00:19:31,754 --> 00:19:34,230 who is chief operations officer of Home Depot. 475 00:19:34,248 --> 00:19:35,915 But sadly, she's a girl, 476 00:19:36,009 --> 00:19:38,401 so I'm afraid the only real solution here is explosives. 477 00:19:38,461 --> 00:19:40,661 Dad, I bet if you hired Wayne back, 478 00:19:40,722 --> 00:19:42,513 he could help me make it wonderful again. 479 00:19:42,706 --> 00:19:44,924 Well, I suppose that's up to Wayne. 480 00:19:45,059 --> 00:19:46,684 Whatcha gonna do, Wayne? 481 00:19:46,835 --> 00:19:50,837 I got an itchy finger and a family history of Parkinson's. 482 00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:53,840 Well, I really think you should consider the daughter thing, 483 00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:55,026 but yeah. 484 00:19:55,219 --> 00:19:57,086 I'd be honored to work here. 485 00:19:57,146 --> 00:19:58,345 (snoring) 486 00:19:58,364 --> 00:20:00,573 Aw, would you look at that... 487 00:20:02,985 --> 00:20:04,944 (distorted): No... 488 00:20:05,038 --> 00:20:07,288 Don't hit that button! 489 00:20:12,921 --> 00:20:14,453 I got it. 490 00:20:14,605 --> 00:20:17,924 Hang on. This is just a garage door opener. 491 00:20:18,051 --> 00:20:19,383 Which one of you took him? 492 00:20:19,576 --> 00:20:22,261 -Never. Take. Him. -Go! 493 00:20:26,375 --> 00:20:28,226 So you think they're gonna take it back? 494 00:20:28,419 --> 00:20:30,469 If they don't, we'll claim there's a death in the family. 495 00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,288 Then they have to waive the cost. 496 00:20:32,390 --> 00:20:34,047 That only works with airlines. 497 00:20:34,067 --> 00:20:36,717 All right. Looks good enough. Refund or exchange? 498 00:20:36,819 --> 00:20:38,385 Refund. 499 00:20:38,488 --> 00:20:41,513 Did you just say ex-shange? 500 00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:44,224 Do you, um, have the same return policy for... 501 00:20:44,285 --> 00:20:46,911 this pirate ship chandelier made of crystals? 502 00:20:47,104 --> 00:20:48,228 Yep. Three days with a receipt. 503 00:20:48,289 --> 00:20:49,972 What about... 504 00:20:49,991 --> 00:20:51,082 this jumbo art deco poster 505 00:20:51,233 --> 00:20:52,899 -of a martini glass? -Yes. 506 00:20:52,961 --> 00:20:55,828 JENNY: And this monkey dressed as a bartender side table? 507 00:20:55,922 --> 00:20:57,146 Again, everything. 508 00:20:57,206 --> 00:20:58,814 So you're saying we can take turns 509 00:20:58,833 --> 00:21:00,574 owning every item in this store for three days 510 00:21:00,635 --> 00:21:02,668 and eventually get all our money back? 511 00:21:02,820 --> 00:21:04,670 Our official return policy says you could. 512 00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:07,914 But basic human decency says you shouldn't. 513 00:21:07,976 --> 00:21:09,934 ♪ Wild women do... ♪ 514 00:21:10,103 --> 00:21:13,020 See you in 72 hours, my friend. 515 00:21:19,353 --> 00:21:21,487 -(meows) -(horn honks musically) 516 00:21:23,524 --> 00:21:24,532 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH