1
00:00:02,466 --> 00:00:03,633
‐(chewing)
‐(indistinct chatter)
2
00:00:03,766 --> 00:00:05,800
Lort, thank you for blessing us
3
00:00:05,933 --> 00:00:07,666
with this portable bounty
4
00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:09,666
as we eat Thanksgiving dinner
5
00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:11,600
the way it was meant
to be eaten,
6
00:00:11,733 --> 00:00:14,833
in line for Black Friday deals
at Mega Lo Mart.
7
00:00:14,966 --> 00:00:16,700
Amen!
8
00:00:16,833 --> 00:00:18,466
Did everyone get enough dinner
in their bags?
9
00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:19,800
Protein's in the tote.
10
00:00:19,933 --> 00:00:21,000
Sides in the rolling suitcase.
11
00:00:21,133 --> 00:00:22,633
Gravy and stuffing
in the JanSport.
12
00:00:22,766 --> 00:00:24,333
Wait, where is
the cranberry sauce?
13
00:00:24,466 --> 00:00:25,533
I got it.
14
00:00:25,666 --> 00:00:26,966
Let me... (sucks)
get it started for you.
15
00:00:27,100 --> 00:00:29,833
(sucking)
Ah.
16
00:00:29,966 --> 00:00:31,766
You know what?
I'm good.
17
00:00:31,900 --> 00:00:34,100
Whew. I'm sweating bullets.
18
00:00:34,233 --> 00:00:35,333
I should've gone with my gut
19
00:00:35,466 --> 00:00:37,100
and worn a mesh football jersey
and pasties.
20
00:00:37,233 --> 00:00:38,766
Well, here's something
to cool you down.
21
00:00:38,900 --> 00:00:40,266
(singsongy):
I made gravy pops.
22
00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:42,466
I got porkcicles,
turkey skin pops,
23
00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:44,966
and, Vi, I do have
a green bean casserole pop,
24
00:00:45,100 --> 00:00:46,800
but, keep in mind,
it's kinda gross.
25
00:00:46,933 --> 00:00:48,033
(sighs)
Lord,
26
00:00:48,166 --> 00:00:49,133
remember the last time
27
00:00:49,266 --> 00:00:51,433
we had gravy pops
on Black Friday?
28
00:00:51,566 --> 00:00:53,000
That was back
before I even knew y'all.
29
00:00:53,133 --> 00:00:55,400
I had a pretty sweet part‐time
job driving a dairy truck,
30
00:00:55,533 --> 00:00:58,600
and I narrowly escaped
a disaster of epic proportions.
31
00:00:58,733 --> 00:00:59,600
BETTY:
Snore.
32
00:00:59,733 --> 00:01:01,233
Get me my weighted body pillow,
33
00:01:01,366 --> 00:01:03,000
'cause you are putting me
to sleep.
34
00:01:03,133 --> 00:01:05,700
An actually epic story
is how I executed
35
00:01:05,833 --> 00:01:07,200
the most flawless slip‐and‐fall
36
00:01:07,333 --> 00:01:10,266
the United States of Hamerica
has ever seen.
37
00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:12,166
Wait, are we
really doing this again?
38
00:01:12,300 --> 00:01:13,166
Doing what?
39
00:01:13,300 --> 00:01:15,233
Telling stories on Black Friday
40
00:01:15,366 --> 00:01:17,300
about other Black Fridays.
41
00:01:17,433 --> 00:01:19,300
It all started when...
42
00:01:19,433 --> 00:01:20,700
No. Not listening.
43
00:01:20,833 --> 00:01:23,033
I'm in the middle of
a groundbreaking murder podcast
44
00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:24,633
called
The Husband Didn't Do It.
45
00:01:24,766 --> 00:01:26,166
Oh, I see
what's happening here.
46
00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:27,466
You're afraid if we reminisce,
47
00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:29,300
you're gonna cry
like you did last year.
48
00:01:29,433 --> 00:01:32,733
(quietly): You promised me that
you'd never bring that up again.
49
00:01:32,866 --> 00:01:35,333
Everyone, we're telling
Black Friday stories over here,
50
00:01:35,466 --> 00:01:37,266
so Violet might get
a little emotional!
51
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:39,266
Ugh, why is there
never a husband around
52
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:40,800
when you want to be killed?
53
00:01:40,933 --> 00:01:42,966
♪♪ ♪♪
54
00:02:11,966 --> 00:02:13,266
WAYNE:
Okay,
55
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:14,433
so where were we?
56
00:02:14,566 --> 00:02:16,166
It was Black Friday Eve‐‐
57
00:02:16,300 --> 00:02:17,500
which some people call
Thanksgiving‐‐
58
00:02:17,633 --> 00:02:20,066
on a night just like tonight.
59
00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:21,566
I was 18 years old,
60
00:02:21,700 --> 00:02:24,066
and I was reeling
from my first‐ever heartbreak,
61
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,033
Anita Upchurch.
62
00:02:26,166 --> 00:02:27,533
She told me I was too sensitive,
63
00:02:27,666 --> 00:02:29,466
because, apparently,
"real men" don't cry
64
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:30,733
at dog food commercials.
65
00:02:30,866 --> 00:02:32,066
Get it together, Wayne.
66
00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:33,400
Stupid tear ducts.
67
00:02:33,533 --> 00:02:34,900
She wanted a hero type.
68
00:02:35,033 --> 00:02:36,433
But little did she know,
69
00:02:36,566 --> 00:02:38,466
I was about to become one.
70
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:41,066
Uh‐oh. I feel like this is
gonna be a Wayne story
71
00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:43,766
that's half memory and
half Michael Bay fever dream.
72
00:02:43,900 --> 00:02:44,866
They're my memories!
73
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:46,833
I can spice them up
however I want.
74
00:02:46,966 --> 00:02:48,766
Now, here's
exactly what happened.
75
00:02:48,900 --> 00:02:52,033
(beeping)
76
00:02:52,166 --> 00:02:54,466
The refrigeration
on my milk truck went out,
77
00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:56,800
leaving me only 20 minutes
to deliver my creams,
78
00:02:56,933 --> 00:02:59,366
butters and nogs
before they went bad.
79
00:03:02,466 --> 00:03:03,900
(dramatic music playing)
80
00:03:04,033 --> 00:03:05,700
(horn blares)
81
00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:13,933
So there I was, going about 250
miles per hour down the highway.
82
00:03:18,833 --> 00:03:20,466
Quit your yapping, Wayne.
83
00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:22,566
Violet doesn't want to hear
your milk memories.
84
00:03:22,700 --> 00:03:24,166
She wants to hear my story.
85
00:03:24,300 --> 00:03:25,500
About my slip‐and‐fall.
86
00:03:25,633 --> 00:03:27,400
Which needs no embellishment.
87
00:03:27,533 --> 00:03:30,333
Oh, to be clear, I don't want
to hear anyone's story.
88
00:03:30,466 --> 00:03:33,666
It was a hot and balmy night.
89
00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:38,933
My décolletage was glistening
from the moist air.
90
00:03:39,066 --> 00:03:43,433
There she is, the Paula Abdula
of Greenpoint.
91
00:03:43,566 --> 00:03:45,833
And the newest member
of the Carolina Panther
92
00:03:45,966 --> 00:03:47,466
cheerleading squad.
93
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:48,800
How'd the audition go?
94
00:03:48,933 --> 00:03:50,733
You guys, I'm sure I didn't
get it.
95
00:03:50,866 --> 00:03:52,800
Some of those girls have
danced on cruise ships.
96
00:03:52,933 --> 00:03:54,966
Hush, Jenny, you're getting
the hell out of Greenpoint.
97
00:03:55,100 --> 00:03:57,366
You'll spend a year or two
as a Panthers girl,
98
00:03:57,500 --> 00:04:00,433
then go the J. Lo route:
seduce a music producer,
99
00:04:00,566 --> 00:04:03,233
make a mint for all of us,
then star in an epic flop
100
00:04:03,366 --> 00:04:05,833
with Ben Affleck
and come out even stronger.
101
00:04:05,966 --> 00:04:08,000
And once you make the team,
I'm coming with,
102
00:04:08,133 --> 00:04:09,500
'cause you're gonna need
an entourage.
103
00:04:09,633 --> 00:04:11,533
You know, like that HBO show,
Arliss.
104
00:04:11,666 --> 00:04:13,800
You guys, I'm not moving
to Charlotte.
105
00:04:13,933 --> 00:04:16,433
Now, living in Charlotte
is not gonna be cheap.
106
00:04:16,566 --> 00:04:19,166
Fortunately, I have got a plan.
107
00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:21,033
Oh, Lord, please don't say
you're gonna do a slip‐and‐fall
108
00:04:21,166 --> 00:04:22,366
and pretend to get hurt
for money.
109
00:04:22,500 --> 00:04:25,233
♪♪ I'm gonna do
a slip‐and‐fall. ♪♪
110
00:04:25,366 --> 00:04:27,033
Okay, everyone.
111
00:04:27,166 --> 00:04:29,633
Now, before the doors open,
I have prepared
112
00:04:29,766 --> 00:04:33,733
a whimsical acrostic
for the occasion: shopping.
113
00:04:33,866 --> 00:04:37,500
The "S" stands for safety,
wherever you may browse.
114
00:04:37,633 --> 00:04:39,333
The "H" stands for...
115
00:04:39,466 --> 00:04:40,333
Oh, my God!
116
00:04:40,466 --> 00:04:43,833
Move it or lose it.
(grunts)
117
00:04:43,966 --> 00:04:47,233
Eat forehead, nerd.
118
00:04:47,366 --> 00:04:50,500
‐All your garbage is mine now.
‐Oh, no.
119
00:04:50,633 --> 00:04:54,100
‐What?
‐My plan just hit
its first major snag.
120
00:04:54,233 --> 00:04:58,100
See that spicy
fleur‐de‐lis over there?
121
00:04:58,233 --> 00:05:01,666
That man is Henri Tomber.
122
00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:04,833
Hails from New Orleans.
He's a slip‐and‐fall detective.
123
00:05:04,966 --> 00:05:06,000
They have those?
124
00:05:06,133 --> 00:05:08,833
(sighs) He works for the
insurance company,
125
00:05:08,966 --> 00:05:10,900
protecting stores
from phony claims.
126
00:05:11,033 --> 00:05:12,400
I clashed with him
three years ago
127
00:05:12,533 --> 00:05:13,900
at a Kroger in Randleman.
128
00:05:14,033 --> 00:05:17,200
He sent me away for 20 days
of hard community service.
129
00:05:17,333 --> 00:05:19,833
Him being here just made
my job a lot tougher.
130
00:05:19,966 --> 00:05:23,633
But you know I got a perma‐boner
for a good challenge.
131
00:05:28,133 --> 00:05:29,233
(grunts)
132
00:05:29,366 --> 00:05:31,400
I for real fell!
133
00:05:31,533 --> 00:05:33,700
Sir, are you okay? Ugh.
134
00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:35,966
I'll get the paperwork
for you to start suing us.
135
00:05:36,100 --> 00:05:37,566
HENRI:
Now, wait a minute.
136
00:05:37,700 --> 00:05:39,133
Let me take a look here.
137
00:05:39,266 --> 00:05:41,600
I understand you had
some kind of whoopsie‐doodle.
138
00:05:41,733 --> 00:05:42,833
Ooh! Aah.
139
00:05:42,966 --> 00:05:45,033
Why don't you tell Henri
all about it.
140
00:05:45,166 --> 00:05:47,466
Oh, it hurts real bad,
my babies.
141
00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:51,266
I fell on this barbecue sauce
that was left here negligently.
142
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:52,966
I may never walk again.
143
00:05:53,100 --> 00:05:55,433
Hmm, barbecue sauce, you say?
144
00:05:59,566 --> 00:06:03,433
I happen to know a little bit
about barbecue sauces.
145
00:06:03,566 --> 00:06:05,200
You‐you do?
146
00:06:05,333 --> 00:06:07,933
And this here sauce I'm tasting
is Screamin' Steve's
147
00:06:08,066 --> 00:06:10,966
barbecue sauce,
which, if I'm not mistaken,
148
00:06:11,100 --> 00:06:13,800
isn't sold within
15 miles of this here store.
149
00:06:13,933 --> 00:06:16,700
Rookie mistake.
Hate to see it.
150
00:06:16,833 --> 00:06:19,400
You sure did slip, boy.
Slipped up.
151
00:06:19,533 --> 00:06:21,033
Take him away.
152
00:06:22,966 --> 00:06:25,766
You have no idea
how good Henri is.
153
00:06:25,900 --> 00:06:28,033
It's just like I always say:
154
00:06:28,166 --> 00:06:29,733
"If you're gonna fake a tumbo,
155
00:06:29,866 --> 00:06:32,033
beware the Gumbo Columbo."
156
00:06:32,166 --> 00:06:34,333
Mother, just now is the first
time you've ever said that.
157
00:06:34,466 --> 00:06:36,300
(phone rings)
158
00:06:36,433 --> 00:06:39,666
Oh, my God,
a Charlotte area code.
159
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,733
I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
160
00:06:41,866 --> 00:06:43,433
(breathing heavily)
161
00:06:43,566 --> 00:06:46,133
Just pick it up, dumbass.
162
00:06:46,266 --> 00:06:47,300
Hello?
163
00:06:47,433 --> 00:06:49,200
Hi, Jennifer,
this is Austin McNutt
164
00:06:49,333 --> 00:06:50,533
from the Carolina Panthers.
165
00:06:50,666 --> 00:06:52,300
I'm calling to say
166
00:06:52,433 --> 00:06:55,200
that unfortunately there were
a lot of girls who tried out...
167
00:06:55,333 --> 00:06:58,300
‐so I have bad news.
‐I knew it.
168
00:06:58,433 --> 00:07:01,000
Which is that you're gonna
have to move away...
169
00:07:01,133 --> 00:07:03,666
‐(all gasp)
‐...because you got the job!
170
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:05,166
Wait, I got it?
171
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:07,200
Let me finish.
You got the job
172
00:07:07,333 --> 00:07:09,166
of wiping away tears...
173
00:07:09,300 --> 00:07:11,166
‐Oh.
‐What?
‐ ...of joy...
174
00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:12,333
I think I'm back in?
175
00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:14,000
...off the faces of the girls
176
00:07:14,133 --> 00:07:16,066
who actually did make the team.
177
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,033
‐Okay, what now?
‐Which includes you!
178
00:07:18,166 --> 00:07:19,900
I straight‐up hate this dude.
179
00:07:20,033 --> 00:07:23,166
So congratulations,
or should I say condolences,
180
00:07:23,300 --> 00:07:25,700
for having to come in and work
with my silly ass.
181
00:07:25,833 --> 00:07:27,466
Did she get it or not?!
182
00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:29,566
She got in. She totally got in.
I'm sorry.
183
00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:31,900
I‐I just did so many poppers
last night.
184
00:07:32,033 --> 00:07:33,533
(cheering, laughing)
185
00:07:33,666 --> 00:07:35,066
All right!
186
00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:38,233
I'm in!
High kick, air punch, high kick.
187
00:07:38,366 --> 00:07:40,500
‐Oh, sorry.
‐Whoo! Good one, Jenny.
188
00:07:40,633 --> 00:07:41,633
Take his stuff.
189
00:07:41,766 --> 00:07:43,833
Hold on.
Gram, why did you tell me
190
00:07:43,966 --> 00:07:45,700
this story was about
your slip‐and‐fall?
191
00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:48,033
It's clearly the story
of Mom getting her dream job.
192
00:07:48,166 --> 00:07:50,666
And, Mom, why have I never
heard about this?
193
00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:52,466
Oh, it wasn't really a big deal.
194
00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:55,666
Not a big deal?
Mom, that job was a huge deal.
195
00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,800
An‐And speaking of
huge deal jobs,
196
00:07:57,933 --> 00:08:00,200
my dairy truck situation
certainly
197
00:08:00,333 --> 00:08:02,966
‐was not getting any easier.
‐Wait, no, don't.
198
00:08:03,100 --> 00:08:05,033
WAYNE:
I was gonna make it
by the skin of my teeth,
199
00:08:05,166 --> 00:08:08,266
as long as there were
no surprises.
200
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:11,033
But things rarely go
according to plan
201
00:08:11,166 --> 00:08:13,633
in the fast‐paced world
of hauling perishables.
202
00:08:13,766 --> 00:08:14,966
(quacks)
203
00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:17,400
‐(cries out)
‐(tires screeching)
204
00:08:22,833 --> 00:08:23,900
(exhales)
205
00:08:24,033 --> 00:08:27,233
(all quacking)
206
00:08:27,366 --> 00:08:29,566
A lot to unpack here.
207
00:08:29,700 --> 00:08:31,766
You're definitely winning me
over with the periscope,
208
00:08:31,900 --> 00:08:34,000
but I do need to
get back to Mom's thing.
209
00:08:34,133 --> 00:08:36,833
Oh, my God, I got the job.
I'm an NFL cheerleader!
210
00:08:36,966 --> 00:08:38,466
Oh, my God,
my mouth's getting dry.
211
00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:40,466
I can't feel my hands. Are my
teeth loose? I'm so nauseous.
212
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,400
That's the sweet adrenaline rush
of knowing
213
00:08:42,533 --> 00:08:44,533
you're better than
everyone else.
214
00:08:44,666 --> 00:08:46,533
‐Mother, no.
‐Listen up, losers.
215
00:08:46,666 --> 00:08:48,300
My daughter, Jenny Hart,
216
00:08:48,433 --> 00:08:49,966
has just been accepted to
217
00:08:50,100 --> 00:08:52,533
the Carolina Panthers
cheerleader squad.
218
00:08:52,666 --> 00:08:53,966
So we're better than you now.
219
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:55,700
So pucker your smoochers
220
00:08:55,833 --> 00:08:58,333
and start kissing our
boo‐heinies immediately.
221
00:08:58,466 --> 00:08:59,700
Okay, Mom, that's enough.
222
00:08:59,833 --> 00:09:02,233
There are two tiers
of people now: tier one, us,
223
00:09:02,366 --> 00:09:04,366
tier two, y'all.
224
00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:07,166
Now, let's shop!
225
00:09:07,300 --> 00:09:09,466
With the whole town in a tizzy
over Jenny's news,
226
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:11,866
I could focus on my own plan.
227
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:13,633
Mother, did you just purposely
grab a cart
228
00:09:13,766 --> 00:09:14,900
with a broken wheel?
229
00:09:15,033 --> 00:09:17,666
The less you know
about my plan, the better.
230
00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:22,400
Now, you may be wondering
what, exactly, my plan was.
231
00:09:22,533 --> 00:09:24,700
No, we're not focusing
on your plan.
232
00:09:24,833 --> 00:09:26,133
Mom, what happened next?
233
00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:27,633
I'll tell you
what happened next.
234
00:09:27,766 --> 00:09:30,233
Now that your mom
was a celebrity,
235
00:09:30,366 --> 00:09:31,833
the vultures started circling.
236
00:09:31,966 --> 00:09:33,333
And they all wanted something:
237
00:09:33,466 --> 00:09:35,033
Jenny's smoking‐hot carcass.
238
00:09:35,166 --> 00:09:37,733
Oh, I'm so proud of you, Jenny.
Can I get an autograph?
239
00:09:37,866 --> 00:09:40,266
So you can turn around
and sell it on eBay?
240
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,500
Nice try, Norma.
241
00:09:42,633 --> 00:09:45,666
When I grow up,
I want to be just like...
242
00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:48,633
She's not loaning you money.
Scram!
243
00:09:48,766 --> 00:09:51,233
Oof. I don't feel so good.
244
00:09:51,366 --> 00:09:53,066
On behalf of Mega Lo Mart,
245
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:55,233
here's a bucket of
celebratory popcorn.
246
00:09:55,366 --> 00:09:59,533
Plain, caramel,
and habanero ranch.
247
00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:02,400
(retching)
248
00:10:02,533 --> 00:10:04,033
You show him, Jenny.
249
00:10:04,166 --> 00:10:06,533
You hear that, y'all
phony‐baloney hangers‐on‐ers?
250
00:10:06,666 --> 00:10:08,433
You make us friggin' sick.
251
00:10:08,566 --> 00:10:10,833
Actually, I haven't been
feeling good all day.
252
00:10:13,766 --> 00:10:15,766
Jenny, can I say something?
253
00:10:15,900 --> 00:10:18,133
No, no, no, no, no.
There is no way I'm pregnant.
254
00:10:18,266 --> 00:10:20,066
No way, nuh‐uh.
There are things I am and things
255
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,233
I'm not‐‐ a cheerleader, yes;
pregnant, no.
256
00:10:23,233 --> 00:10:24,266
(gasps)
257
00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:26,300
(whimpering):
I'm pregnant.
258
00:10:30,933 --> 00:10:33,166
Wait, so you had just
gotten your dream job,
259
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:35,100
and then you found out
you were pregnant with me?
260
00:10:35,233 --> 00:10:36,366
You must have been freaking out.
261
00:10:36,500 --> 00:10:37,933
What? (scoffs)
262
00:10:38,066 --> 00:10:39,700
Freaking out with happiness
maybe.
263
00:10:39,833 --> 00:10:43,700
Oh, this is the worst thing
that's ever happened to me!
264
00:10:43,833 --> 00:10:45,333
My life is over.
My mom's gonna kill me.
265
00:10:45,466 --> 00:10:46,833
I am dead. Dead!
266
00:10:46,966 --> 00:10:49,433
What the freak am I gonna do
with a crapping baby?
267
00:10:51,033 --> 00:10:53,433
Anyway, we love you.
We're real glad you're here.
268
00:10:53,566 --> 00:10:56,300
Now let's talk about something
I wasn't glad was there:
269
00:10:56,433 --> 00:10:57,733
those ducks.
270
00:10:57,866 --> 00:10:59,233
Nailed the segue, dude.
271
00:10:59,366 --> 00:11:01,466
They cost me
eight precious minutes.
272
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:02,833
And unless I could find
another way
273
00:11:02,966 --> 00:11:04,200
to keep my creams cold,
274
00:11:04,333 --> 00:11:06,466
that truck was headed
straight to Curdle Town
275
00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:07,800
on the Sour Milk Expressway,
276
00:11:07,933 --> 00:11:10,866
population: spoiled.
277
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:12,300
(tires screech)
278
00:11:12,433 --> 00:11:14,266
‐♪♪ ♪♪
‐(all gasp)
279
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:17,266
I'm gonna need the contents
of all your Slusherito machines.
280
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:19,600
Oh, snap. You trying
to keep your creams cold?
281
00:11:19,733 --> 00:11:20,966
You know it.
282
00:11:21,100 --> 00:11:22,733
(chuckles):
You're crazy, man.
283
00:11:22,866 --> 00:11:25,766
Wayne, I'm loving your story.
Zero notes.
284
00:11:25,900 --> 00:11:27,933
But can we hear
what happened to Mom first?
285
00:11:28,066 --> 00:11:29,900
‐And, Gram,
I don't have time for...
‐The pieces
286
00:11:30,033 --> 00:11:32,133
were falling into place,
but Henri,
287
00:11:32,266 --> 00:11:35,100
the Cajun Complication,
was hot on my tail.
288
00:11:35,233 --> 00:11:37,733
Beatrice Jean Bryant.
289
00:11:37,866 --> 00:11:40,766
Henri Bourbon Street Tomber.
290
00:11:40,900 --> 00:11:43,133
Why am I not surprised
to see you here?
291
00:11:43,266 --> 00:11:45,166
You wouldn't be
planning on taking
292
00:11:45,300 --> 00:11:47,433
a little accidental tumbo,
would you?
293
00:11:47,566 --> 00:11:49,666
Who, me? Oh, I'm just shopping.
294
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,866
Is that a crime now, Detective?
295
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:53,633
Now, let's just take a look
at your cart,
296
00:11:53,766 --> 00:11:55,133
shall we, s'il vous plaît?
297
00:11:55,266 --> 00:11:59,733
Rifle your calloused hands
through my goods all you want.
298
00:12:00,866 --> 00:12:03,400
Bananas.
A thousand‐pack of marbles.
299
00:12:03,533 --> 00:12:05,000
Motor oil.
300
00:12:05,133 --> 00:12:07,133
That's a mighty slippery
assortment of items
301
00:12:07,266 --> 00:12:08,866
you're shopping for.
302
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:10,300
But why don't I
do you a kindness
303
00:12:10,433 --> 00:12:12,266
and hold these items
for you up front.
304
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:15,966
‐If you must.
‐Oh, I must certainly must.
305
00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:18,466
BETTY: But what
he didn't know was...
306
00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:20,133
Gram, I don't care.
307
00:12:20,266 --> 00:12:21,466
Mom, what happened next?
308
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:23,766
(sighs)
What am I gonna do?
309
00:12:23,900 --> 00:12:25,533
I just broke up
with that butthole Don,
310
00:12:25,666 --> 00:12:27,566
and I was all ready
to start my life in Charlotte
311
00:12:27,700 --> 00:12:30,500
as a Panthers girl,
not be a single mom.
312
00:12:30,633 --> 00:12:33,300
Okay, just spitballing
right off the top of my head.
313
00:12:33,433 --> 00:12:35,066
I heard
that you can leave a baby
314
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:37,433
at any fire station,
and they have to raise it.
315
00:12:37,566 --> 00:12:40,600
Plus, bonus, that baby's
got a built‐in job for life.
316
00:12:40,733 --> 00:12:43,466
I am not leaving a baby
at a fire station.
317
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:45,266
And do you think
that's how we get firemen?
318
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,366
You think a person
with two parents
319
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:49,466
would run
into a burning building?
320
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:51,866
Okay, well, we can't
tell anyone. I need to think.
321
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:53,533
Doo, doo‐doo‐doo.
322
00:12:53,666 --> 00:12:55,033
Knock, knock.
323
00:12:55,166 --> 00:12:58,300
Hey, Jenny. I'm so proud of you.
324
00:12:58,433 --> 00:12:59,500
Look at us, y'all.
325
00:12:59,633 --> 00:13:03,566
Two successful,
career‐oriented women.
326
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:07,033
Me, bravely inheriting
my family's seafood restaurant,
327
00:13:07,166 --> 00:13:10,866
and you, a full‐fledged
football dancer.
328
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,500
Yep. Look at us.
329
00:13:12,633 --> 00:13:15,433
Anyway, congratulations.
330
00:13:15,566 --> 00:13:18,166
You and I beat the odds because,
you know, most of the girls
331
00:13:18,300 --> 00:13:20,133
out here just get blessed
with child
332
00:13:20,266 --> 00:13:22,666
right out of high school
and then they fall directly
333
00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:25,133
into a life of stripping
and boom‐boom.
334
00:13:25,266 --> 00:13:26,700
But not you and me, Jenny.
335
00:13:26,833 --> 00:13:29,300
Doo, doo‐doo‐doo.
See you at the top.
336
00:13:29,433 --> 00:13:32,466
And, Brenda,
I will pray for you.
337
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:35,833
So, how did Gram react
when you told her?
338
00:13:35,966 --> 00:13:37,600
Well, I was waiting
for the perfect time.
339
00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:38,800
You know, you don't want
to interrupt her
340
00:13:38,933 --> 00:13:40,000
when she's mid‐grift.
341
00:13:40,133 --> 00:13:41,766
BETTY:
By all appearances,
342
00:13:41,900 --> 00:13:43,266
Henri had gotten the best of me.
343
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:47,133
But appearances
can be deceiving.
344
00:13:48,166 --> 00:13:49,600
Stupid cart's fighting me
345
00:13:49,733 --> 00:13:52,166
like a big‐bosomed lady
demanding her Mardi Gras beads.
346
00:13:52,300 --> 00:13:54,366
Wobbly wheel, check.
347
00:13:55,733 --> 00:13:58,700
Precariously stacked
soup pyramid, check.
348
00:14:02,666 --> 00:14:06,366
Teetering panini press over
a "what you doing here" yogurt.
349
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:10,066
It's showtime.
350
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:13,466
(distorted shout)
351
00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:15,966
‐(dinging)
‐(all gasp)
352
00:14:16,100 --> 00:14:18,033
Ma'am, are you okay?
353
00:14:18,166 --> 00:14:20,466
Oh, I must have slipped
on that yogurt.
354
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:23,033
I saw the whole thing.
It's that guy's fault.
355
00:14:23,166 --> 00:14:25,500
Now, now, listen here.
She set me up.
356
00:14:25,633 --> 00:14:27,533
She tricked me
into pushing that wobbly cart.
357
00:14:27,666 --> 00:14:30,500
A‐And now she must've placed
that panini press precariously.
358
00:14:30,633 --> 00:14:33,266
I say, she's faux‐hurt
from that yogurt.
359
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:35,166
Oh, my back.
360
00:14:35,300 --> 00:14:38,700
I'm in an expensive amount
of pain.
361
00:14:39,700 --> 00:14:40,966
(sighs):
God, I'm such a dumbass.
362
00:14:41,100 --> 00:14:42,600
I had a chance
at something huge,
363
00:14:42,733 --> 00:14:44,800
and I blew it in the most
cliché way imaginable.
364
00:14:44,933 --> 00:14:48,366
I skipped all the fun J. Lo stuff
and went straight to Gigli.
365
00:14:48,500 --> 00:14:50,000
You didn't blow anything.
366
00:14:50,133 --> 00:14:51,600
You'll pop that sucker out,
367
00:14:51,733 --> 00:14:53,333
get a Curves membership,
and get back
368
00:14:53,466 --> 00:14:55,266
to Tight Butt Fly Girl City.
369
00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:58,266
(sighs) Yeah, if my mom
doesn't kill me first.
370
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,866
(echoing): Jenny, she'll accept
it. She'll know what to do.
371
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:03,266
‐(heart beating)
‐Everything will be okay.
372
00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:06,200
‐(baby crying)
‐Come on, work with Mama here.
373
00:15:06,333 --> 00:15:07,600
Come on. Come on.
374
00:15:07,733 --> 00:15:09,100
WOMAN:
No, Justin.
375
00:15:09,233 --> 00:15:11,400
I told you to stop it. Ugh.
376
00:15:11,533 --> 00:15:13,866
Why can't we just
talk about it, honey?
377
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:15,366
'Cause I hate you, Mom!
378
00:15:15,500 --> 00:15:17,100
(panting):
I need some fresh air.
379
00:15:18,333 --> 00:15:19,600
(alarm sounding)
380
00:15:19,733 --> 00:15:21,666
We got a shoplifter!
381
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:24,333
Sure do! I think
that's Jenny Hart.
382
00:15:24,466 --> 00:15:25,600
Oh, the girl who just got
383
00:15:25,733 --> 00:15:27,500
the professional
cheerleading job?
384
00:15:27,633 --> 00:15:29,333
And now she's caught
stealing something?
385
00:15:29,466 --> 00:15:30,600
What'd she steal?
386
00:15:30,733 --> 00:15:33,466
A baker's dozen pregnancy tests.
387
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,300
Negative or positive?
388
00:15:35,433 --> 00:15:37,800
Positive, brother.
389
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,100
Attention, we've got
390
00:15:40,233 --> 00:15:41,600
a pregnant shoplifter
391
00:15:41,733 --> 00:15:44,300
‐by the name of Jenny Hart.
‐What?
392
00:15:44,433 --> 00:15:46,833
Ho, ho. You wanted us
to think you was hurt,
393
00:15:46,966 --> 00:15:49,333
but you popped up
like a baby in a king cake.
394
00:15:49,466 --> 00:15:51,500
Only thing fatter
than Tuesday is your lies.
395
00:15:51,633 --> 00:15:53,933
(gasps)
No!
396
00:15:57,033 --> 00:16:00,333
So, not only did you find out
you were pregnant with me
397
00:16:00,466 --> 00:16:02,366
at a Mega Lo Mart bathroom,
but the cherry
398
00:16:02,500 --> 00:16:05,766
on this ambrosia salad is that
you immediately got arrested?
399
00:16:05,900 --> 00:16:08,533
Well, don't forget,
I also had just pulled off
400
00:16:08,666 --> 00:16:13,433
the most amazing, epic slip‐and‐
fall in Mega Lo Mart history.
401
00:16:13,566 --> 00:16:14,866
But you were immediately busted.
402
00:16:17,933 --> 00:16:19,933
Ow! Can I just finish my story?
403
00:16:20,066 --> 00:16:21,800
I mean,
does it even matter what I...
404
00:16:21,933 --> 00:16:23,033
WAYNE:
The mixture
of banana fluffernutter
405
00:16:23,166 --> 00:16:25,100
and Sex on the Beach Slusheritos
406
00:16:25,233 --> 00:16:26,533
was only going to buy me
so much time,
407
00:16:26,666 --> 00:16:29,033
but I knew,
where there's a will,
408
00:16:29,166 --> 00:16:30,333
there's a Wayne.
409
00:16:31,666 --> 00:16:32,866
Don't cry, little buddy.
410
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,866
I'm getting you home safe.
411
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:37,866
(engine starts)
412
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:39,200
(shouts)
413
00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:41,433
No! Not now.
414
00:16:41,566 --> 00:16:43,000
Not after all of this.
415
00:16:43,133 --> 00:16:45,200
It was gonna take a miracle
to pull this one off.
416
00:16:45,333 --> 00:16:49,533
And then, sure enough,
one pulled up right next to me.
417
00:16:49,666 --> 00:16:52,600
Looks like your milk truck
is past its expiration date.
418
00:16:52,733 --> 00:16:54,966
It sure is. Oh, my God.
419
00:16:55,100 --> 00:16:57,966
You're professional wrestler
turned movie star Bear Vulcano.
420
00:16:58,100 --> 00:16:59,666
You drive a flower truck?
421
00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:02,900
Course I do. I used to haul
weapons‐grade nitroglycerin,
422
00:17:03,033 --> 00:17:06,033
but then I realized I don't have
to prove anything to anybody.
423
00:17:06,166 --> 00:17:10,600
I like flowers and wrestling
and acting, in that order.
424
00:17:10,733 --> 00:17:12,666
That is so cool,
Real Bear Vulcano.
425
00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:15,533
Wait a minute. You got room
in there for a load of dairy?
426
00:17:15,666 --> 00:17:19,766
Are peonies the perfect flower
for dads and grads?
427
00:17:19,900 --> 00:17:22,633
(chuckles) Yeah.
We got the creams in on time.
428
00:17:22,766 --> 00:17:25,433
That's it? I mean,
I love the Bear Vulcano cameo,
429
00:17:25,566 --> 00:17:27,333
I just through there would be
an explosion or something.
430
00:17:27,466 --> 00:17:29,166
(chuckles):
Oh, there was.
431
00:17:33,333 --> 00:17:35,166
‐Who's this?
‐My ex.
432
00:17:35,300 --> 00:17:38,166
She thinks I'm not a real man
because I'm too emotional.
433
00:17:38,300 --> 00:17:41,100
Guess I'm not the big,
masculine hero she needs.
434
00:17:42,900 --> 00:17:46,033
Your ex sounds like a real turd.
435
00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:47,500
There's nothing more manly
than getting
436
00:17:47,633 --> 00:17:51,133
in a no‐holds‐barred cage match
with your emotions.
437
00:17:51,266 --> 00:17:53,633
I want to thank you,
Real Bear Vulcano.
438
00:17:53,766 --> 00:17:55,066
No, thank you.
439
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:56,833
Any day I get to hand someone
a flower
440
00:17:56,966 --> 00:17:58,500
and tell them
it's gonna be okay,
441
00:17:58,633 --> 00:18:00,433
that's a win for me.
442
00:18:02,333 --> 00:18:04,500
My flowers! The nitro!
443
00:18:04,633 --> 00:18:06,900
Great, bravo. I love
how you brought it home.
444
00:18:07,033 --> 00:18:08,600
Now, Mom, where were we?
445
00:18:08,733 --> 00:18:10,433
Well, there's not much else
to tell.
446
00:18:10,566 --> 00:18:12,400
I still didn't have the courage
to face Mother,
447
00:18:12,533 --> 00:18:13,933
so I went and hid
in the back of the store.
448
00:18:19,333 --> 00:18:23,100
(sighs)
Ugh, sweating for two.
449
00:18:24,100 --> 00:18:26,800
‐Oh, sorry.
‐WAYNE: No worries.
450
00:18:26,933 --> 00:18:28,300
Just restocking the nogs.
451
00:18:28,433 --> 00:18:30,933
Hang on. You were
in the back of the store,
452
00:18:31,066 --> 00:18:33,766
‐like, the dairy section?
‐Yeah, why?
453
00:18:33,900 --> 00:18:36,700
(gasps)
No freaking way.
454
00:18:36,833 --> 00:18:39,166
‐You okay, ma'am?
‐No, nothing's okay.
455
00:18:39,300 --> 00:18:41,333
Everyone had such
high expectations for me,
456
00:18:41,466 --> 00:18:42,966
and then I let them all down.
457
00:18:43,100 --> 00:18:44,933
WAYNE:
Aw, who cares
what everyone thinks?
458
00:18:45,066 --> 00:18:47,600
Being a hero
isn't about impressing people.
459
00:18:47,733 --> 00:18:49,800
It's about being there
when someone needs you.
460
00:18:51,233 --> 00:18:54,200
Yeah, now there's really
someone who needs me.
461
00:18:55,333 --> 00:18:56,400
Hey.
462
00:18:56,533 --> 00:18:58,333
I know what'll cheer you up.
463
00:18:59,300 --> 00:19:00,733
JENNY:
Aw, a violet.
464
00:19:00,866 --> 00:19:02,033
(chuckles)
Pretty.
465
00:19:02,166 --> 00:19:04,700
Oh, my God, that was you.
466
00:19:04,833 --> 00:19:06,900
You were the man
that gave me that flower.
467
00:19:07,033 --> 00:19:09,866
We met before
we ever actually met?
468
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,233
How crazy is that?
469
00:19:12,366 --> 00:19:13,433
VIOLET:
So dumb.
470
00:19:13,566 --> 00:19:16,200
So, it turns out
Wayne actually named me?
471
00:19:16,333 --> 00:19:18,933
Huh. Yeah, I guess
he sort of did.
472
00:19:19,066 --> 00:19:21,000
That is so stupid.
473
00:19:21,133 --> 00:19:23,866
How much dumber
could this dumb story get?
474
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:26,466
Well, it does get
a teeny bit dumber.
475
00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,466
See, when I walked back
to the front of the store...
476
00:19:33,466 --> 00:19:34,900
What's all this?
477
00:19:35,033 --> 00:19:38,800
A showering of gifts
for the baby, my baby.
478
00:19:38,933 --> 00:19:40,500
I got you these.
479
00:19:40,633 --> 00:19:42,700
Jenny, I'm so sorry
I said all that stuff earlier.
480
00:19:42,833 --> 00:19:44,333
If I had known,
I would have said it
481
00:19:44,466 --> 00:19:46,433
behind your back, at church,
482
00:19:46,566 --> 00:19:49,500
under the guise of asking people
to pray for you.
483
00:19:49,633 --> 00:19:52,000
But I think you're gonna be
a great mom.
484
00:19:52,133 --> 00:19:53,866
Aw, thanks, Louise.
485
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:55,966
I got you some baby bibs.
486
00:19:56,100 --> 00:19:58,466
This one says "Goo Goo"
in the Google font.
487
00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:00,500
What a humorous use of typeface.
488
00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:02,866
These are Mega Lo Mart Dumpers.
489
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:04,533
They can't legally
be called diapers
490
00:20:04,666 --> 00:20:07,466
'cause they contain
trace amounts of fiberglass,
491
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:09,333
which technically
makes them insulation.
492
00:20:09,466 --> 00:20:10,800
That's very thoughtful.
493
00:20:10,933 --> 00:20:12,266
Dance shoes?
494
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,600
I think these might be
a little big for the baby.
495
00:20:14,733 --> 00:20:16,633
They are not for the baby,
dummy.
496
00:20:16,766 --> 00:20:18,633
They are for you,
'cause being a mom
497
00:20:18,766 --> 00:20:20,800
does not mean you got
to give up on your dreams.
498
00:20:20,933 --> 00:20:22,433
Yeah, it's just a curveball.
499
00:20:22,566 --> 00:20:25,500
Some milk guy told
me the same thing.
500
00:20:25,633 --> 00:20:27,166
(all gasp)
501
00:20:27,300 --> 00:20:29,766
Mother, I already know
what you're gonna say.
502
00:20:29,900 --> 00:20:31,766
Okay? You're disappointed.
503
00:20:31,900 --> 00:20:35,100
(shushes) You're right.
I am disappointed.
504
00:20:35,233 --> 00:20:38,000
I'm disappointed
that you were afraid to tell me,
505
00:20:38,133 --> 00:20:41,766
because I will always be
there for you,
506
00:20:41,900 --> 00:20:43,933
no matter what.
507
00:20:45,533 --> 00:20:49,466
Now, some of you are skimping
on your shower gifts.
508
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:52,466
This is my grandbaby
we're talking about.
509
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:56,633
Let's turn this shower
into a waterfall, y'all.
510
00:21:00,333 --> 00:21:02,300
VIOLET:
Wow, they threw you an impromptu
511
00:21:02,433 --> 00:21:03,400
Black Friday baby shower?
512
00:21:03,533 --> 00:21:05,000
Man, the people in this town
513
00:21:05,133 --> 00:21:06,866
really look out
for each other, don't they?
514
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:08,633
They sure do.
515
00:21:08,766 --> 00:21:11,200
‐(air horn blowing)
‐Let's do it!
516
00:21:11,333 --> 00:21:13,366
(excited shouting)
517
00:21:14,633 --> 00:21:16,433
Someone crowd‐surf me
over to the headphones.
518
00:21:16,566 --> 00:21:18,000
My tube top is slipping.
519
00:21:18,133 --> 00:21:20,433
‐Someone's biting me.
‐I'm biting someone!
520
00:21:20,566 --> 00:21:22,966
I found a tube top, babies!
521
00:21:26,633 --> 00:21:28,166
MANAGER WEBB:
Whoa, whoa, man. Hey!
522
00:21:28,300 --> 00:21:29,566
(glass shatters)
523
00:21:29,700 --> 00:21:31,600
‐(meows)
‐(horn honks musically)