1 00:00:02,453 --> 00:00:03,651 -(chewing) -(indistinct chatter) 2 00:00:03,754 --> 00:00:05,820 Lort, thank you for blessing us 3 00:00:05,923 --> 00:00:07,731 with this portable bounty 4 00:00:07,791 --> 00:00:09,733 as we eat Thanksgiving dinner 5 00:00:09,793 --> 00:00:11,585 the way it was meant to be eaten, 6 00:00:11,721 --> 00:00:14,905 in line for Black Friday deals at Mega Lo Mart. 7 00:00:14,965 --> 00:00:16,757 Amen! 8 00:00:16,909 --> 00:00:18,500 Did everyone get enough dinner in their bags? 9 00:00:18,561 --> 00:00:19,834 Protein's in the tote. 10 00:00:19,895 --> 00:00:21,169 Sides in the rolling suitcase. 11 00:00:21,188 --> 00:00:22,670 Gravy and stuffing in the JanSport. 12 00:00:22,732 --> 00:00:24,414 Wait, where is the cranberry sauce? 13 00:00:24,475 --> 00:00:25,766 I got it. 14 00:00:25,918 --> 00:00:27,008 Let me... (sucks) get it started for you. 15 00:00:27,069 --> 00:00:29,920 (sucking) Ah. 16 00:00:29,980 --> 00:00:31,772 You know what? I'm good. 17 00:00:31,866 --> 00:00:33,866 Whew. I'm sweating bullets. 18 00:00:34,017 --> 00:00:35,350 I should've gone with my gut 19 00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:37,185 and worn a mesh football jersey and pasties. 20 00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:38,779 Well, here's something to cool you down. 21 00:00:38,873 --> 00:00:40,280 (singsongy): I made gravy pops. 22 00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,449 I got porkcicles, turkey skin pops, 23 00:00:42,585 --> 00:00:44,951 and, Vi, I do have a green bean casserole pop, 24 00:00:45,087 --> 00:00:46,787 but, keep in mind, it's kinda gross. 25 00:00:46,922 --> 00:00:47,862 (sighs) Lord, 26 00:00:47,882 --> 00:00:49,122 remember the last time 27 00:00:49,258 --> 00:00:51,216 we had gravy pops on Black Friday? 28 00:00:51,368 --> 00:00:53,034 That was back before I even knew y'all. 29 00:00:53,095 --> 00:00:55,387 I had a pretty sweet part-time job driving a dairy truck, 30 00:00:55,580 --> 00:00:58,540 and I narrowly escaped a disaster of epic proportions. 31 00:00:58,559 --> 00:00:59,558 BETTY: Snore. 32 00:00:59,751 --> 00:01:01,285 Get me my weighted body pillow, 33 00:01:01,386 --> 00:01:03,044 'cause you are putting me to sleep. 34 00:01:03,105 --> 00:01:05,822 An actually epic story is how I executed 35 00:01:05,849 --> 00:01:07,215 the most flawless slip-and-fall 36 00:01:07,318 --> 00:01:10,402 the United States of Hamerica has ever seen. 37 00:01:10,554 --> 00:01:12,071 Wait, are we really doing this again? 38 00:01:12,222 --> 00:01:13,221 Doing what? 39 00:01:13,282 --> 00:01:15,299 Telling stories on Black Friday 40 00:01:15,359 --> 00:01:17,317 about other Black Fridays. 41 00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:19,078 It all started when... 42 00:01:19,229 --> 00:01:20,728 No. Not listening. 43 00:01:20,790 --> 00:01:23,082 I'm in the middle of a groundbreaking murder podcast 44 00:01:23,233 --> 00:01:24,583 called The Husband Didn't Do It. 45 00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:26,234 Oh, I see what's happening here. 46 00:01:26,253 --> 00:01:27,569 You're afraid if we reminisce, 47 00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:29,404 you're gonna cry like you did last year. 48 00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:32,816 (quietly): You promised me that you'd never bring that up again. 49 00:01:32,876 --> 00:01:35,427 Everyone, we're telling Black Friday stories over here, 50 00:01:35,579 --> 00:01:37,321 so Violet might get a little emotional! 51 00:01:37,422 --> 00:01:39,323 Ugh, why is there never a husband around 52 00:01:39,424 --> 00:01:40,766 when you want to be killed? 53 00:01:40,959 --> 00:01:42,935 ♪ ♪ 54 00:02:11,990 --> 00:02:13,357 WAYNE: Okay, 55 00:02:13,417 --> 00:02:14,449 so where were we? 56 00:02:14,552 --> 00:02:16,301 It was Black Friday Eve-- 57 00:02:16,453 --> 00:02:17,469 which some people call Thanksgiving-- 58 00:02:17,662 --> 00:02:19,972 on a night just like tonight. 59 00:02:20,123 --> 00:02:21,640 I was 18 years old, 60 00:02:21,791 --> 00:02:24,050 and I was reeling from my first-ever heartbreak, 61 00:02:24,186 --> 00:02:26,036 Anita Upchurch. 62 00:02:26,054 --> 00:02:27,587 She told me I was too sensitive, 63 00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:29,539 because, apparently, "real men" don't cry 64 00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:30,724 at dog food commercials. 65 00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:32,151 Get it together, Wayne. 66 00:02:32,302 --> 00:02:33,393 Stupid tear ducts. 67 00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:34,895 She wanted a hero type. 68 00:02:34,989 --> 00:02:36,488 But little did she know, 69 00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:38,548 I was about to become one. 70 00:02:38,609 --> 00:02:41,218 Uh-oh. I feel like this is gonna be a Wayne story 71 00:02:41,236 --> 00:02:43,811 that's half memory and half Michael Bay fever dream. 72 00:02:43,873 --> 00:02:44,997 They're my memories! 73 00:02:45,148 --> 00:02:46,890 I can spice them up however I want. 74 00:02:46,950 --> 00:02:48,816 Now, here's exactly what happened. 75 00:02:48,878 --> 00:02:52,045 (beeping) 76 00:02:52,197 --> 00:02:54,489 The refrigeration on my milk truck went out, 77 00:02:54,592 --> 00:02:56,991 leaving me only 20 minutes to deliver my creams, 78 00:02:57,011 --> 00:02:59,344 butters and nogs before they went bad. 79 00:03:02,466 --> 00:03:03,849 (dramatic music playing) 80 00:03:04,018 --> 00:03:05,684 (horn blares) 81 00:03:09,023 --> 00:03:13,901 So there I was, going about 250 miles per hour down the highway. 82 00:03:18,857 --> 00:03:20,515 Quit your yapping, Wayne. 83 00:03:20,576 --> 00:03:22,534 Violet doesn't want to hear your milk memories. 84 00:03:22,727 --> 00:03:24,185 She wants to hear my story. 85 00:03:24,288 --> 00:03:25,762 About my slip-and-fall. 86 00:03:25,781 --> 00:03:27,447 Which needs no embellishment. 87 00:03:27,599 --> 00:03:30,358 Oh, to be clear, I don't want to hear anyone's story. 88 00:03:30,419 --> 00:03:33,861 It was a hot and balmy night. 89 00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:38,884 My décolletage was glistening from the moist air. 90 00:03:39,053 --> 00:03:43,388 There she is, the Paula Abdula of Greenpoint. 91 00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:45,966 And the newest member of the Carolina Panther 92 00:03:46,118 --> 00:03:47,467 cheerleading squad. 93 00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:48,802 How'd the audition go? 94 00:03:48,896 --> 00:03:50,787 You guys, I'm sure I didn't get it. 95 00:03:50,889 --> 00:03:52,806 Some of those girls have danced on cruise ships. 96 00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:54,975 Hush, Jenny, you're getting the hell out of Greenpoint. 97 00:03:55,069 --> 00:03:57,385 You'll spend a year or two as a Panthers girl, 98 00:03:57,446 --> 00:04:00,405 then go the J.Lo route: seduce a music producer, 99 00:04:00,598 --> 00:04:03,300 make a mint for all of us, then star in an epic flop 100 00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:05,893 with Ben Affleck and come out even stronger. 101 00:04:05,955 --> 00:04:07,988 And once you make the team, I'm coming with, 102 00:04:08,082 --> 00:04:09,489 'cause you're gonna need an entourage. 103 00:04:09,625 --> 00:04:11,566 You know, like that HBO show, Arliss. 104 00:04:11,627 --> 00:04:13,752 You guys, I'm not moving to Charlotte. 105 00:04:13,945 --> 00:04:16,421 Now, living in Charlotte is not gonna be cheap. 106 00:04:16,614 --> 00:04:19,483 Fortunately, I have got a plan. 107 00:04:19,501 --> 00:04:20,984 Oh, Lord, please don't say you're gonna do a slip-and-fall 108 00:04:21,003 --> 00:04:22,486 and pretend to get hurt for money. 109 00:04:22,504 --> 00:04:25,322 ♪ I'm gonna do a slip-and-fall. ♪ 110 00:04:25,382 --> 00:04:27,248 Okay, everyone. 111 00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:29,601 Now, before the doors open, I have prepared 112 00:04:29,794 --> 00:04:33,755 a whimsical acrostic for the occasion: shopping. 113 00:04:33,857 --> 00:04:37,517 The "S" stands for safety, wherever you may browse. 114 00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,185 The "H" stands for... 115 00:04:39,338 --> 00:04:40,353 Oh, my God! 116 00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:43,857 Move it or lose it. (grunts) 117 00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:47,360 Eat forehead, nerd. 118 00:04:47,513 --> 00:04:50,455 -All your garbage is mine now. -Oh, no. 119 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:54,184 -What? -My plan just hit its first major snag. 120 00:04:54,244 --> 00:04:58,188 See that spicy fleur-de-lis over there? 121 00:04:58,248 --> 00:05:01,633 That man is Henri Tomber. 122 00:05:01,826 --> 00:05:04,694 Hails from New Orleans. He's a slip-and-fall detective. 123 00:05:04,713 --> 00:05:05,971 They have those? 124 00:05:06,164 --> 00:05:08,807 (sighs) He works for the insurance company, 125 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:10,884 protecting stores from phony claims. 126 00:05:11,020 --> 00:05:12,144 I clashed with him three years ago 127 00:05:12,295 --> 00:05:13,887 at a Kroger in Randleman. 128 00:05:14,023 --> 00:05:17,149 He sent me away for 20 days of hard community service. 129 00:05:17,318 --> 00:05:19,967 Him being here just made my job a lot tougher. 130 00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:23,613 But you know I got a perma-boner for a good challenge. 131 00:05:28,186 --> 00:05:29,235 (grunts) 132 00:05:29,330 --> 00:05:31,404 I for real fell! 133 00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:33,665 Sir, are you okay? Ugh. 134 00:05:33,858 --> 00:05:35,983 I'll get the paperwork for you to start suing us. 135 00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:37,561 HENRI: Now, wait a minute. 136 00:05:37,579 --> 00:05:39,153 Let me take a look here. 137 00:05:39,256 --> 00:05:41,506 I understand you had some kind of whoopsie-doodle. 138 00:05:41,658 --> 00:05:42,899 Ooh! Aah. 139 00:05:42,959 --> 00:05:45,235 Why don't you tell Henri all about it. 140 00:05:45,253 --> 00:05:47,495 Oh, it hurts real bad, my babies. 141 00:05:47,556 --> 00:05:51,257 I fell on this barbecue sauce that was left here negligently. 142 00:05:51,352 --> 00:05:53,167 I may never walk again. 143 00:05:53,187 --> 00:05:55,395 Hmm, barbecue sauce, you say? 144 00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:03,436 I happen to know a little bit about barbecue sauces. 145 00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:05,422 You-you do? 146 00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:07,941 And this here sauce I'm tasting is Screamin' Steve's 147 00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:11,018 barbecue sauce, which, if I'm not mistaken, 148 00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:13,855 isn't sold within 15 miles of this here store. 149 00:06:13,916 --> 00:06:16,766 Rookie mistake. Hate to see it. 150 00:06:16,868 --> 00:06:19,378 You sure did slip, boy. Slipped up. 151 00:06:19,571 --> 00:06:21,004 Take him away. 152 00:06:22,925 --> 00:06:25,942 You have no idea how good Henri is. 153 00:06:25,961 --> 00:06:28,111 It's just like I always say: 154 00:06:28,171 --> 00:06:29,946 "If you're gonna fake a tumbo, 155 00:06:29,965 --> 00:06:32,115 beware the Gumbo Columbo." 156 00:06:32,175 --> 00:06:34,375 Mother, just now is the first time you've ever said that. 157 00:06:34,436 --> 00:06:36,302 (phone rings) 158 00:06:36,397 --> 00:06:39,714 Oh, my God, a Charlotte area code. 159 00:06:39,775 --> 00:06:41,808 I feel like I'm gonna throw up. 160 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:43,402 (breathing heavily) 161 00:06:43,595 --> 00:06:45,979 Just pick it up, dumbass. 162 00:06:46,131 --> 00:06:47,313 Hello? 163 00:06:47,408 --> 00:06:49,223 Hi, Jennifer, this is Austin McNutt 164 00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:50,558 from the Carolina Panthers. 165 00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:52,318 I'm calling to say 166 00:06:52,413 --> 00:06:55,229 that unfortunately there were a lot of girls who tried out... 167 00:06:55,290 --> 00:06:58,475 -so I have bad news. -I knew it. 168 00:06:58,493 --> 00:07:00,994 Which is that you're gonna have to move away... 169 00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:03,663 -(all gasp) -...because you got the job! 170 00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:05,165 Wait, I got it? 171 00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:07,241 Let me finish. You got the job 172 00:07:07,302 --> 00:07:09,169 of wiping away tears... 173 00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:11,171 -Oh. -What? - ...of joy... 174 00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:12,338 I think I'm back in? 175 00:07:12,433 --> 00:07:14,007 ...off the faces of the girls 176 00:07:14,159 --> 00:07:16,083 who actually did make the team. 177 00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:18,085 -Okay, what now? -Which includes you! 178 00:07:18,147 --> 00:07:19,921 I straight-up hate this dude. 179 00:07:20,023 --> 00:07:23,349 So congratulations, or should I say condolences, 180 00:07:23,502 --> 00:07:25,685 for having to come in and work with my silly ass. 181 00:07:25,821 --> 00:07:27,687 Did she get it or not?! 182 00:07:27,839 --> 00:07:29,597 She got in. She totally got in. I'm sorry. 183 00:07:29,658 --> 00:07:31,933 I-I just did so many poppers last night. 184 00:07:31,994 --> 00:07:33,526 (cheering, laughing) 185 00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:35,120 All right! 186 00:07:35,271 --> 00:07:38,272 I'm in! High kick, air punch, high kick. 187 00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:40,292 -Oh, sorry. -Whoo! Good one, Jenny. 188 00:07:40,443 --> 00:07:41,685 Take his stuff. 189 00:07:41,786 --> 00:07:44,111 Hold on. Gram, why did you tell me 190 00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,705 this story was about your slip-and-fall? 191 00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:48,358 It's clearly the story of Mom getting her dream job. 192 00:07:48,376 --> 00:07:50,635 And, Mom, why have I never heard about this? 193 00:07:50,828 --> 00:07:52,529 Oh, it wasn't really a big deal. 194 00:07:52,589 --> 00:07:55,790 Not a big deal? Mom, that job was a huge deal. 195 00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,867 An-And speaking of huge deal jobs, 196 00:07:57,928 --> 00:08:00,537 my dairy truck situation certainly 197 00:08:00,555 --> 00:08:03,039 -was not getting any easier. -Wait, no, don't. 198 00:08:03,099 --> 00:08:04,983 WAYNE: I was gonna make it by the skin of my teeth, 199 00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:08,545 as long as there were no surprises. 200 00:08:08,563 --> 00:08:10,989 But things rarely go according to plan 201 00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,717 in the fast-paced world of hauling perishables. 202 00:08:13,777 --> 00:08:15,051 (quacks) 203 00:08:15,111 --> 00:08:17,370 -(cries out) -(tires screeching) 204 00:08:22,860 --> 00:08:23,943 (exhales) 205 00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:27,247 (all quacking) 206 00:08:27,341 --> 00:08:29,582 A lot to unpack here. 207 00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:31,751 You're definitely winning me over with the periscope, 208 00:08:31,887 --> 00:08:34,070 but I do need to get back to Mom's thing. 209 00:08:34,130 --> 00:08:37,073 Oh, my God, I got the job. I'm an NFL cheerleader! 210 00:08:37,092 --> 00:08:38,908 Oh, my God, my mouth's getting dry. 211 00:08:38,927 --> 00:08:40,519 I can't feel my hands. Are my teeth loose? I'm so nauseous. 212 00:08:40,670 --> 00:08:42,354 That's the sweet adrenaline rush of knowing 213 00:08:42,523 --> 00:08:44,597 you're better than everyone else. 214 00:08:44,750 --> 00:08:46,583 -Mother, no. -Listen up, losers. 215 00:08:46,685 --> 00:08:48,342 My daughter, Jenny Hart, 216 00:08:48,403 --> 00:08:50,011 has just been accepted to 217 00:08:50,072 --> 00:08:52,589 the Carolina Panthers cheerleader squad. 218 00:08:52,691 --> 00:08:54,015 So we're better than you now. 219 00:08:54,076 --> 00:08:55,759 So pucker your smoochers 220 00:08:55,819 --> 00:08:58,111 and start kissing our boo-heinies immediately. 221 00:08:58,263 --> 00:08:59,763 Okay, Mom, that's enough. 222 00:08:59,823 --> 00:09:02,207 There are two tiers of people now: tier one, us, 223 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,434 tier two, y'all. 224 00:09:04,494 --> 00:09:07,194 Now, let's shop! 225 00:09:07,256 --> 00:09:09,622 With the whole town in a tizzy over Jenny's news, 226 00:09:09,775 --> 00:09:11,941 I could focus on my own plan. 227 00:09:12,002 --> 00:09:13,626 Mother, did you just purposely grab a cart 228 00:09:13,779 --> 00:09:15,128 with a broken wheel? 229 00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:17,797 The less you know about my plan, the better. 230 00:09:17,949 --> 00:09:22,452 Now, you may be wondering what, exactly, my plan was. 231 00:09:22,554 --> 00:09:24,788 No, we're not focusing on your plan. 232 00:09:24,848 --> 00:09:26,380 Mom, what happened next? 233 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:27,791 I'll tell you what happened next. 234 00:09:27,809 --> 00:09:30,310 Now that your mom was a celebrity, 235 00:09:30,462 --> 00:09:31,886 the vultures started circling. 236 00:09:31,947 --> 00:09:33,387 And they all wanted something: 237 00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:35,056 Jenny's smoking-hot carcass. 238 00:09:35,158 --> 00:09:37,742 Oh, I'm so proud of you, Jenny. Can I get an autograph? 239 00:09:37,894 --> 00:09:40,245 So you can turn around and sell it on eBay? 240 00:09:40,438 --> 00:09:42,806 Nice try, Norma. 241 00:09:42,824 --> 00:09:45,658 When I grow up, I want to be just like... 242 00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:48,587 She's not loaning you money. Scram! 243 00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:51,314 Oof. I don't feel so good. 244 00:09:51,374 --> 00:09:53,149 On behalf of Mega Lo Mart, 245 00:09:53,209 --> 00:09:55,318 here's a bucket of celebratory popcorn. 246 00:09:55,378 --> 00:09:59,514 Plain, caramel, and habanero ranch. 247 00:10:00,717 --> 00:10:02,434 (retching) 248 00:10:02,585 --> 00:10:04,160 You show him, Jenny. 249 00:10:04,179 --> 00:10:06,663 You hear that, y'all phony-baloney hangers-on-ers? 250 00:10:06,681 --> 00:10:08,498 You make us friggin' sick. 251 00:10:08,558 --> 00:10:10,817 Actually, I haven't been feeling good all day. 252 00:10:13,805 --> 00:10:15,855 Jenny, can I say something? 253 00:10:16,007 --> 00:10:18,116 No, no, no, no, no. There is no way I'm pregnant. 254 00:10:18,309 --> 00:10:20,101 No way, nuh-uh. There are things I am and things 255 00:10:20,162 --> 00:10:22,203 I'm not-- a cheerleader, yes; pregnant, no. 256 00:10:23,198 --> 00:10:24,347 (gasps) 257 00:10:24,407 --> 00:10:26,249 (whimpering): I'm pregnant. 258 00:10:30,955 --> 00:10:33,239 Wait, so you had just gotten your dream job, 259 00:10:33,391 --> 00:10:35,116 and then you found out you were pregnant with me? 260 00:10:35,218 --> 00:10:36,376 You must have been freaking out. 261 00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:38,194 What? (scoffs) 262 00:10:38,213 --> 00:10:39,879 Freaking out with happiness maybe. 263 00:10:40,031 --> 00:10:43,716 Oh, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me! 264 00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:45,368 My life is over. My mom's gonna kill me. 265 00:10:45,428 --> 00:10:46,961 I am dead. Dead! 266 00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:49,397 What the freak am I gonna do with a crapping baby? 267 00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:53,467 Anyway, we love you. We're real glad you're here. 268 00:10:53,528 --> 00:10:56,379 Now let's talk about something I wasn't glad was there: 269 00:10:56,439 --> 00:10:57,730 those ducks. 270 00:10:57,824 --> 00:10:59,232 Nailed the segue, dude. 271 00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:01,551 They cost me eight precious minutes. 272 00:11:01,611 --> 00:11:02,568 And unless I could find another way 273 00:11:02,721 --> 00:11:04,162 to keep my creams cold, 274 00:11:04,355 --> 00:11:06,572 that truck was headed straight to Curdle Town 275 00:11:06,725 --> 00:11:07,815 on the Sour Milk Expressway, 276 00:11:07,918 --> 00:11:10,835 population: spoiled. 277 00:11:11,028 --> 00:11:12,319 (tires screech) 278 00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:14,397 -♪ ♪ -(all gasp) 279 00:11:14,416 --> 00:11:17,250 I'm gonna need the contents of all your Slusherito machines. 280 00:11:17,386 --> 00:11:19,585 Oh, snap. You trying to keep your creams cold? 281 00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:20,995 You know it. 282 00:11:21,056 --> 00:11:22,906 (chuckles): You're crazy, man. 283 00:11:22,924 --> 00:11:25,758 Wayne, I'm loving your story. Zero notes. 284 00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:27,927 But can we hear what happened to Mom first? 285 00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,854 -And, Gram, I don't have time for... -The pieces 286 00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:32,173 were falling into place, but Henri, 287 00:11:32,234 --> 00:11:35,193 the Cajun Complication, was hot on my tail. 288 00:11:35,344 --> 00:11:37,696 Beatrice Jean Bryant. 289 00:11:37,889 --> 00:11:40,773 Henri Bourbon Street Tomber. 290 00:11:40,867 --> 00:11:43,201 Why am I not surprised to see you here? 291 00:11:43,352 --> 00:11:45,186 You wouldn't be planning on taking 292 00:11:45,288 --> 00:11:47,539 a little accidental tumbo, would you? 293 00:11:47,690 --> 00:11:49,690 Who, me? Oh, I'm just shopping. 294 00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:52,118 Is that a crime now, Detective? 295 00:11:52,270 --> 00:11:53,378 Now, let's just take a look at your cart, 296 00:11:53,529 --> 00:11:55,230 shall we, s'il vous plaît? 297 00:11:55,257 --> 00:11:59,467 Rifle your calloused hands through my goods all you want. 298 00:12:00,912 --> 00:12:03,388 Bananas. A thousand-pack of marbles. 299 00:12:03,581 --> 00:12:05,039 Motor oil. 300 00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:07,133 That's a mighty slippery assortment of items 301 00:12:07,285 --> 00:12:08,952 you're shopping for. 302 00:12:09,012 --> 00:12:10,303 But why don't I do you a kindness 303 00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,472 and hold these items for you up front. 304 00:12:12,624 --> 00:12:16,067 -If you must. -Oh, I must certainly must. 305 00:12:16,219 --> 00:12:18,478 BETTY: But what he didn't know was... 306 00:12:18,572 --> 00:12:20,238 Gram, I don't care. 307 00:12:20,389 --> 00:12:21,481 Mom, what happened next? 308 00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:23,742 (sighs) What am I gonna do? 309 00:12:23,935 --> 00:12:25,559 I just broke up with that butthole Don, 310 00:12:25,620 --> 00:12:27,637 and I was all ready to start my life in Charlotte 311 00:12:27,697 --> 00:12:30,490 as a Panthers girl, not be a single mom. 312 00:12:30,625 --> 00:12:33,251 Okay, just spitballing right off the top of my head. 313 00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:35,144 I heard that you can leave a baby 314 00:12:35,205 --> 00:12:37,422 at any fire station, and they have to raise it. 315 00:12:37,615 --> 00:12:40,741 Plus, bonus, that baby's got a built-in job for life. 316 00:12:40,761 --> 00:12:43,428 I am not leaving a baby at a fire station. 317 00:12:43,621 --> 00:12:45,321 And do you think that's how we get firemen? 318 00:12:45,423 --> 00:12:47,414 You think a person with two parents 319 00:12:47,476 --> 00:12:49,750 would run into a burning building? 320 00:12:49,770 --> 00:12:51,919 Okay, well, we can't tell anyone. I need to think. 321 00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:53,587 Doo, doo-doo-doo. 322 00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:55,089 Knock, knock. 323 00:12:55,150 --> 00:12:58,259 Hey, Jenny. I'm so proud of you. 324 00:12:58,278 --> 00:12:59,519 Look at us, y'all. 325 00:12:59,613 --> 00:13:03,597 Two successful, career-oriented women. 326 00:13:03,658 --> 00:13:07,026 Me, bravely inheriting my family's seafood restaurant, 327 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:10,863 and you, a full-fledged football dancer. 328 00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:12,457 Yep. Look at us. 329 00:13:12,626 --> 00:13:15,518 Anyway, congratulations. 330 00:13:15,578 --> 00:13:18,129 You and I beat the odds because, you know, most of the girls 331 00:13:18,322 --> 00:13:20,189 out here just get blessed with child 332 00:13:20,291 --> 00:13:22,634 right out of high school and then they fall directly 333 00:13:22,827 --> 00:13:25,136 into a life of stripping and boom-boom. 334 00:13:25,288 --> 00:13:26,712 But not you and me, Jenny. 335 00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:29,307 Doo, doo-doo-doo. See you at the top. 336 00:13:29,458 --> 00:13:32,535 And, Brenda, I will pray for you. 337 00:13:32,595 --> 00:13:35,814 So, how did Gram react when you told her? 338 00:13:36,007 --> 00:13:37,707 Well, I was waiting for the perfect time. 339 00:13:37,725 --> 00:13:38,875 You know, you don't want to interrupt her 340 00:13:38,893 --> 00:13:39,984 when she's mid-grift. 341 00:13:40,177 --> 00:13:41,878 BETTY: By all appearances, 342 00:13:41,896 --> 00:13:43,304 Henri had gotten the best of me. 343 00:13:43,365 --> 00:13:47,116 But appearances can be deceiving. 344 00:13:48,144 --> 00:13:49,643 Stupid cart's fighting me 345 00:13:49,746 --> 00:13:52,221 like a big-bosomed lady demanding her Mardi Gras beads. 346 00:13:52,323 --> 00:13:54,249 Wobbly wheel, check. 347 00:13:55,710 --> 00:13:58,670 Precariously stacked soup pyramid, check. 348 00:14:02,750 --> 00:14:06,344 Teetering panini press over a "what you doing here" yogurt. 349 00:14:08,039 --> 00:14:10,056 It's showtime. 350 00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:13,500 (distorted shout) 351 00:14:13,562 --> 00:14:16,003 -(dinging) -(all gasp) 352 00:14:16,064 --> 00:14:18,022 Ma'am, are you okay? 353 00:14:18,215 --> 00:14:20,507 Oh, I must have slipped on that yogurt. 354 00:14:20,569 --> 00:14:23,177 I saw the whole thing. It's that guy's fault. 355 00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:25,588 Now, now, listen here. She set me up. 356 00:14:25,648 --> 00:14:27,699 She tricked me into pushing that wobbly cart. 357 00:14:27,850 --> 00:14:30,517 A-And now she must've placed that panini press precariously. 358 00:14:30,579 --> 00:14:33,279 I say, she's faux-hurt from that yogurt. 359 00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:35,281 Oh, my back. 360 00:14:35,433 --> 00:14:38,668 I'm in an expensive amount of pain. 361 00:14:39,862 --> 00:14:41,028 (sighs): God, I'm such a dumbass. 362 00:14:41,089 --> 00:14:42,622 I had a chance at something huge, 363 00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:44,790 and I blew it in the most cliché way imaginable. 364 00:14:44,885 --> 00:14:48,444 I skipped all the fun J.Lo stuff and went straight to Gigli. 365 00:14:48,504 --> 00:14:50,037 You didn't blow anything. 366 00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:51,781 You'll pop that sucker out, 367 00:14:51,799 --> 00:14:53,374 get a Curves membership, and get back 368 00:14:53,435 --> 00:14:55,268 to Tight Butt Fly Girl City. 369 00:14:55,419 --> 00:14:58,229 (sighs) Yeah, if my mom doesn't kill me first. 370 00:14:58,422 --> 00:15:00,957 (echoing): Jenny, she'll accept it. She'll know what to do. 371 00:15:01,017 --> 00:15:03,234 -(heart beating) -Everything will be okay. 372 00:15:03,386 --> 00:15:06,220 -(baby crying) -Come on, work with Mama here. 373 00:15:06,323 --> 00:15:07,572 Come on. Come on. 374 00:15:07,765 --> 00:15:09,073 WOMAN: No, Justin. 375 00:15:09,266 --> 00:15:11,467 I told you to stop it. Ugh. 376 00:15:11,527 --> 00:15:13,894 Why can't we just talk about it, honey? 377 00:15:13,955 --> 00:15:15,396 'Cause I hate you, Mom! 378 00:15:15,457 --> 00:15:17,081 (panting): I need some fresh air. 379 00:15:18,293 --> 00:15:19,584 (alarm sounding) 380 00:15:19,777 --> 00:15:21,661 We got a shoplifter! 381 00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:24,480 Sure do! I think that's Jenny Hart. 382 00:15:24,499 --> 00:15:25,739 Oh, the girl who just got 383 00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:27,500 the professional cheerleading job? 384 00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:29,335 And now she's caught stealing something? 385 00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:30,653 What'd she steal? 386 00:15:30,755 --> 00:15:33,431 A baker's dozen pregnancy tests. 387 00:15:33,624 --> 00:15:35,266 Negative or positive? 388 00:15:35,459 --> 00:15:37,769 Positive, brother. 389 00:15:38,772 --> 00:15:40,163 Attention, we've got 390 00:15:40,223 --> 00:15:41,664 a pregnant shoplifter 391 00:15:41,724 --> 00:15:44,275 -by the name of Jenny Hart. -What? 392 00:15:44,468 --> 00:15:46,852 Ho, ho. You wanted us to think you was hurt, 393 00:15:46,947 --> 00:15:49,596 but you popped up like a baby in a king cake. 394 00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:51,449 Only thing fatter than Tuesday is your lies. 395 00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:53,910 (gasps) No! 396 00:15:57,073 --> 00:16:00,291 So, not only did you find out you were pregnant with me 397 00:16:00,484 --> 00:16:02,627 at a Mega Lo Mart bathroom, but the cherry 398 00:16:02,778 --> 00:16:05,871 on this ambrosia salad is that you immediately got arrested? 399 00:16:06,024 --> 00:16:08,541 Well, don't forget, I also had just pulled off 400 00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:13,495 the most amazing, epic slip-and- fall in Mega Lo Mart history. 401 00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:14,847 But you were immediately busted. 402 00:16:18,036 --> 00:16:19,960 Ow! Can I just finish my story? 403 00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:21,813 I mean, does it even matter what I... 404 00:16:21,964 --> 00:16:23,055 WAYNE: The mixture of banana fluffernutter 405 00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:25,132 and Sex on the Beach Slusheritos 406 00:16:25,193 --> 00:16:26,726 was only going to buy me so much time, 407 00:16:26,878 --> 00:16:28,987 but I knew, where there's a will, 408 00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:30,321 there's a Wayne. 409 00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:32,824 Don't cry, little buddy. 410 00:16:33,017 --> 00:16:35,827 I'm getting you home safe. 411 00:16:36,020 --> 00:16:37,829 (engine starts) 412 00:16:37,998 --> 00:16:39,163 (shouts) 413 00:16:39,356 --> 00:16:41,407 No! Not now. 414 00:16:41,559 --> 00:16:43,167 Not after all of this. 415 00:16:43,319 --> 00:16:45,169 It was gonna take a miracle to pull this one off. 416 00:16:45,362 --> 00:16:49,507 And then, sure enough, one pulled up right next to me. 417 00:16:49,700 --> 00:16:52,585 Looks like your milk truck is past its expiration date. 418 00:16:52,721 --> 00:16:55,162 It sure is. Oh, my God. 419 00:16:55,181 --> 00:16:57,998 You're professional wrestler turned movie star Bear Vulcano. 420 00:16:58,059 --> 00:17:00,000 You drive a flower truck? 421 00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:03,003 Course I do. I used to haul weapons-grade nitroglycerin, 422 00:17:03,023 --> 00:17:06,024 but then I realized I don't have to prove anything to anybody. 423 00:17:06,217 --> 00:17:10,603 I like flowers and wrestling and acting, in that order. 424 00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:12,755 That is so cool, Real Bear Vulcano. 425 00:17:12,815 --> 00:17:15,758 Wait a minute. You got room in there for a load of dairy? 426 00:17:15,777 --> 00:17:19,945 Are peonies the perfect flower for dads and grads? 427 00:17:20,098 --> 00:17:22,689 (chuckles) Yeah. We got the creams in on time. 428 00:17:22,751 --> 00:17:25,451 That's it? I mean, I love the Bear Vulcano cameo, 429 00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:27,378 I just through there would be an explosion or something. 430 00:17:27,530 --> 00:17:29,130 (chuckles): Oh, there was. 431 00:17:33,336 --> 00:17:35,202 -Who's this? -My ex. 432 00:17:35,263 --> 00:17:38,205 She thinks I'm not a real man because I'm too emotional. 433 00:17:38,266 --> 00:17:41,059 Guess I'm not the big, masculine hero she needs. 434 00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:45,897 Your ex sounds like a real turd. 435 00:17:46,048 --> 00:17:47,548 There's nothing more manly than getting 436 00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:51,143 in a no-holds-barred cage match with your emotions. 437 00:17:51,237 --> 00:17:53,646 I want to thank you, Real Bear Vulcano. 438 00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:55,131 No, thank you. 439 00:17:55,191 --> 00:17:56,908 Any day I get to hand someone a flower 440 00:17:57,059 --> 00:17:58,484 and tell them it's gonna be okay, 441 00:17:58,620 --> 00:18:00,411 that's a win for me. 442 00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:04,582 My flowers! The nitro! 443 00:18:04,733 --> 00:18:06,976 Great, bravo. I love how you brought it home. 444 00:18:07,036 --> 00:18:08,811 Now, Mom, where were we? 445 00:18:08,830 --> 00:18:10,421 Well, there's not much else to tell. 446 00:18:10,614 --> 00:18:12,423 I still didn't have the courage to face Mother, 447 00:18:12,575 --> 00:18:13,883 so I went and hid in the back of the store. 448 00:18:19,307 --> 00:18:22,850 (sighs) Ugh, sweating for two. 449 00:18:24,128 --> 00:18:26,771 -Oh, sorry. -WAYNE: No worries. 450 00:18:26,922 --> 00:18:28,272 Just restocking the nogs. 451 00:18:28,465 --> 00:18:31,000 Hang on. You were in the back of the store, 452 00:18:31,060 --> 00:18:33,836 -like, the dairy section? -Yeah, why? 453 00:18:33,896 --> 00:18:36,689 (gasps) No freaking way. 454 00:18:36,825 --> 00:18:39,117 -You okay, ma'am? -No, nothing's okay. 455 00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:41,510 Everyone had such high expectations for me, 456 00:18:41,529 --> 00:18:42,954 and then I let them all down. 457 00:18:43,147 --> 00:18:44,938 WAYNE: Aw, who cares what everyone thinks? 458 00:18:45,074 --> 00:18:47,683 Being a hero isn't about impressing people. 459 00:18:47,743 --> 00:18:49,710 It's about being there when someone needs you. 460 00:18:51,247 --> 00:18:54,173 Yeah, now there's really someone who needs me. 461 00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:56,450 Hey. 462 00:18:56,511 --> 00:18:58,302 I know what'll cheer you up. 463 00:18:59,330 --> 00:19:00,787 JENNY: Aw, a violet. 464 00:19:00,849 --> 00:19:02,198 (chuckles) Pretty. 465 00:19:02,216 --> 00:19:04,717 Oh, my God, that was you. 466 00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:06,886 You were the man that gave me that flower. 467 00:19:07,021 --> 00:19:10,039 We met before we ever actually met? 468 00:19:10,057 --> 00:19:12,150 How crazy is that? 469 00:19:12,301 --> 00:19:13,467 VIOLET: So dumb. 470 00:19:13,528 --> 00:19:16,154 So, it turns out Wayne actually named me? 471 00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:18,972 Huh. Yeah, I guess he sort of did. 472 00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:21,050 That is so stupid. 473 00:19:21,152 --> 00:19:23,828 How much dumber could this dumb story get? 474 00:19:24,021 --> 00:19:26,572 Well, it does get a teeny bit dumber. 475 00:19:26,724 --> 00:19:28,416 See, when I walked back to the front of the store... 476 00:19:33,456 --> 00:19:35,080 What's all this? 477 00:19:35,233 --> 00:19:38,825 A showering of gifts for the baby, my baby. 478 00:19:38,887 --> 00:19:40,569 I got you these. 479 00:19:40,630 --> 00:19:42,829 Jenny, I'm so sorry I said all that stuff earlier. 480 00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:44,407 If I had known, I would have said it 481 00:19:44,467 --> 00:19:46,500 behind your back, at church, 482 00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:49,578 under the guise of asking people to pray for you. 483 00:19:49,639 --> 00:19:52,081 But I think you're gonna be a great mom. 484 00:19:52,141 --> 00:19:53,916 Aw, thanks, Louise. 485 00:19:54,018 --> 00:19:56,009 I got you some baby bibs. 486 00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:58,512 This one says "Goo Goo" in the Google font. 487 00:19:58,573 --> 00:20:00,589 What a humorous use of typeface. 488 00:20:00,650 --> 00:20:02,925 These are Mega Lo Mart Dumpers. 489 00:20:02,985 --> 00:20:04,593 They can't legally be called diapers 490 00:20:04,654 --> 00:20:07,613 'cause they contain trace amounts of fiberglass, 491 00:20:07,765 --> 00:20:09,356 which technically makes them insulation. 492 00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:10,783 That's very thoughtful. 493 00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:12,376 Dance shoes? 494 00:20:12,528 --> 00:20:14,620 I think these might be a little big for the baby. 495 00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,622 They are not for the baby, dummy. 496 00:20:16,758 --> 00:20:18,624 They are for you, 'cause being a mom 497 00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,793 does not mean you got to give up on your dreams. 498 00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:22,386 Yeah, it's just a curveball. 499 00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:25,539 Some milk guy told me the same thing. 500 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:27,207 (all gasp) 501 00:20:27,268 --> 00:20:29,727 Mother, I already know what you're gonna say. 502 00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:31,878 Okay? You're disappointed. 503 00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:35,066 (shushes) You're right. I am disappointed. 504 00:20:35,259 --> 00:20:38,051 I'm disappointed that you were afraid to tell me, 505 00:20:38,112 --> 00:20:41,739 because I will always be there for you, 506 00:20:41,932 --> 00:20:43,783 no matter what. 507 00:20:45,528 --> 00:20:49,488 Now, some of you are skimping on your shower gifts. 508 00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:52,583 This is my grandbaby we're talking about. 509 00:20:52,735 --> 00:20:56,587 Let's turn this shower into a waterfall, y'all. 510 00:21:00,301 --> 00:21:02,260 VIOLET: Wow, they threw you an impromptu 511 00:21:02,453 --> 00:21:03,486 Black Friday baby shower? 512 00:21:03,546 --> 00:21:05,245 Man, the people in this town 513 00:21:05,265 --> 00:21:06,913 really look out for each other, don't they? 514 00:21:06,975 --> 00:21:08,749 They sure do. 515 00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:11,251 -(air horn blowing) -Let's do it! 516 00:21:11,312 --> 00:21:13,104 (excited shouting) 517 00:21:14,607 --> 00:21:16,499 Someone crowd-surf me over to the headphones. 518 00:21:16,559 --> 00:21:18,017 My tube top is slipping. 519 00:21:18,111 --> 00:21:20,503 -Someone's biting me. -I'm biting someone! 520 00:21:20,563 --> 00:21:22,947 I found a tube top, babies! 521 00:21:26,619 --> 00:21:28,119 MANAGER WEBB: Whoa, whoa, man. Hey! 522 00:21:28,288 --> 00:21:29,695 (glass shatters) 523 00:21:29,847 --> 00:21:31,580 -(meows) -(horn honks musically)