-(chewing) -(indistinct chatter)
Lort, thank you for blessing us
with this portable bounty
as we eat Thanksgiving dinner
the way it was meant to be eaten,
in line for Black Friday deals at Mega Lo Mart.
Amen!
Did everyone get enough dinner in their bags?
Protein's in the tote.
Sides in the rolling suitcase.
Gravy and stuffing in the JanSport.
Wait, where is the cranberry sauce?
I got it.
Let me... (sucks) get it started for you.
(sucking) Ah.
You know what? I'm good.
Whew. I'm sweating bullets.
I should've gone with my gut
and worn a mesh football jersey and pasties.
Well, here's something to cool you down.
(singsongy): I made gravy pops.
I got porkcicles, turkey skin pops,
and, Vi, I do have a green bean casserole pop,
but, keep in mind, it's kinda gross.
(sighs) Lord,
remember the last time
we had gravy pops on Black Friday?
That was back before I even knew y'all.
I had a pretty sweet part-time job driving a dairy truck,
and I narrowly escaped a disaster of epic proportions.
BETTY: Snore.
Get me my weighted body pillow,
'cause you are putting me to sleep.
An actually epic story is how I executed
the most flawless slip-and-fall
the United States of Hamerica has ever seen.
Wait, are we really doing this again?
Doing what?
Telling stories on Black Friday
about other Black Fridays.
It all started when...
No. Not listening.
I'm in the middle of a groundbreaking murder podcast
called The Husband Didn't Do It.
Oh, I see what's happening here.
You're afraid if we reminisce,
you're gonna cry like you did last year.
(quietly): You promised me that you'd never bring that up again.
Everyone, we're telling Black Friday stories over here,
so Violet might get a little emotional!
Ugh, why is there never a husband around
when you want to be killed?
♪ ♪
WAYNE: Okay,
so where were we?
It was Black Friday Eve--
which some people call Thanksgiving--
on a night just like tonight.
I was 18 years old,
and I was reeling from my first-ever heartbreak,
Anita Upchurch.
She told me I was too sensitive,
because, apparently, "real men" don't cry
at dog food commercials.
Get it together, Wayne.
Stupid tear ducts.
She wanted a hero type.
But little did she know,
I was about to become one.
Uh-oh. I feel like this is gonna be a Wayne story
that's half memory and half Michael Bay fever dream.
They're my memories!
I can spice them up however I want.
Now, here's exactly what happened.
(beeping)
The refrigeration on my milk truck went out,
leaving me only 20 minutes to deliver my creams,
butters and nogs before they went bad.
(dramatic music playing)
(horn blares)
So there I was, going about 250 miles per hour down the highway.
Quit your yapping, Wayne.
Violet doesn't want to hear your milk memories.
She wants to hear my story.
About my slip-and-fall.
Which needs no embellishment.
Oh, to be clear, I don't want to hear anyone's story.
It was a hot and balmy night.
My décolletage was glistening from the moist air.
There she is, the Paula Abdula of Greenpoint.
And the newest member of the Carolina Panther
cheerleading squad.
How'd the audition go?
You guys, I'm sure I didn't get it.
Some of those girls have danced on cruise ships.
Hush, Jenny, you're getting the hell out of Greenpoint.
You'll spend a year or two as a Panthers girl,
then go the J.Lo route: seduce a music producer,
make a mint for all of us, then star in an epic flop
with Ben Affleck and come out even stronger.
And once you make the team, I'm coming with,
'cause you're gonna need an entourage.
You know, like that HBO show, Arliss.
You guys, I'm not moving to Charlotte.
Now, living in Charlotte is not gonna be cheap.
Fortunately, I have got a plan.
Oh, Lord, please don't say you're gonna do a slip-and-fall
and pretend to get hurt for money.
♪ I'm gonna do a slip-and-fall. ♪
Okay, everyone.
Now, before the doors open, I have prepared
a whimsical acrostic for the occasion: shopping.
The "S" stands for safety, wherever you may browse.
The "H" stands for...
Oh, my God!
Move it or lose it. (grunts)
Eat forehead, nerd.
-All your garbage is mine now. -Oh, no.
-What? -My plan just hit its first major snag.
See that spicy fleur-de-lis over there?
That man is Henri Tomber.
Hails from New Orleans. He's a slip-and-fall detective.
They have those?
(sighs) He works for the insurance company,
protecting stores from phony claims.
I clashed with him three years ago
at a Kroger in Randleman.
He sent me away for 20 days of hard community service.
Him being here just made my job a lot tougher.
But you know I got a perma-boner for a good challenge.
(grunts)
I for real fell!
Sir, are you okay? Ugh.
I'll get the paperwork for you to start suing us.
HENRI: Now, wait a minute.
Let me take a look here.
I understand you had some kind of whoopsie-doodle.
Ooh! Aah.
Why don't you tell Henri all about it.
Oh, it hurts real bad, my babies.
I fell on this barbecue sauce that was left here negligently.
I may never walk again.
Hmm, barbecue sauce, you say?
I happen to know a little bit about barbecue sauces.
You-you do?
And this here sauce I'm tasting is Screamin' Steve's
barbecue sauce, which, if I'm not mistaken,
isn't sold within 15 miles of this here store.
Rookie mistake. Hate to see it.
You sure did slip, boy. Slipped up.
Take him away.
You have no idea how good Henri is.
It's just like I always say:
"If you're gonna fake a tumbo,
beware the Gumbo Columbo."
Mother, just now is the first time you've ever said that.
(phone rings)
Oh, my God, a Charlotte area code.
I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
(breathing heavily)
Just pick it up, dumbass.
Hello?
Hi, Jennifer, this is Austin McNutt
from the Carolina Panthers.
I'm calling to say
that unfortunately there were a lot of girls who tried out...
-so I have bad news. -I knew it.
Which is that you're gonna have to move away...
-(all gasp) -...because you got the job!
Wait, I got it?
Let me finish. You got the job
of wiping away tears...
-Oh. -What? - ...of joy...
I think I'm back in?
...off the faces of the girls
who actually did make the team.
-Okay, what now? -Which includes you!
I straight-up hate this dude.
So congratulations, or should I say condolences,
for having to come in and work with my silly ass.
Did she get it or not?!
She got in. She totally got in. I'm sorry.
I-I just did so many poppers last night.
(cheering, laughing)
All right!
I'm in! High kick, air punch, high kick.
-Oh, sorry. -Whoo! Good one, Jenny.
Take his stuff.
Hold on. Gram, why did you tell me
this story was about your slip-and-fall?
It's clearly the story of Mom getting her dream job.
And, Mom, why have I never heard about this?
Oh, it wasn't really a big deal.
Not a big deal? Mom, that job was a huge deal.
An-And speaking of huge deal jobs,
my dairy truck situation certainly
-was not getting any easier. -Wait, no, don't.
WAYNE: I was gonna make it by the skin of my teeth,
as long as there were no surprises.
But things rarely go according to plan
in the fast-paced world of hauling perishables.
(quacks)
-(cries out) -(tires screeching)
(exhales)
(all quacking)
A lot to unpack here.
You're definitely winning me over with the periscope,
but I do need to get back to Mom's thing.
Oh, my God, I got the job. I'm an NFL cheerleader!
Oh, my God, my mouth's getting dry.
I can't feel my hands. Are my teeth loose? I'm so nauseous.
That's the sweet adrenaline rush of knowing
you're better than everyone else.
-Mother, no. -Listen up, losers.
My daughter, Jenny Hart,
has just been accepted to
the Carolina Panthers cheerleader squad.
So we're better than you now.
So pucker your smoochers
and start kissing our boo-heinies immediately.
Okay, Mom, that's enough.
There are two tiers of people now: tier one, us,
tier two, y'all.
Now, let's shop!
With the whole town in a tizzy over Jenny's news,
I could focus on my own plan.
Mother, did you just purposely grab a cart
with a broken wheel?
The less you know about my plan, the better.
Now, you may be wondering what, exactly, my plan was.
No, we're not focusing on your plan.
Mom, what happened next?
I'll tell you what happened next.
Now that your mom was a celebrity,
the vultures started circling.
And they all wanted something:
Jenny's smoking-hot carcass.
Oh, I'm so proud of you, Jenny. Can I get an autograph?
So you can turn around and sell it on eBay?
Nice try, Norma.
When I grow up, I want to be just like...
She's not loaning you money. Scram!
Oof. I don't feel so good.
On behalf of Mega Lo Mart,
here's a bucket of celebratory popcorn.
Plain, caramel, and habanero ranch.
(retching)
You show him, Jenny.
You hear that, y'all phony-baloney hangers-on-ers?
You make us friggin' sick.
Actually, I haven't been feeling good all day.
Jenny, can I say something?
No, no, no, no, no. There is no way I'm pregnant.
No way, nuh-uh. There are things I am and things
I'm not-- a cheerleader, yes; pregnant, no.
(gasps)
(whimpering): I'm pregnant.
Wait, so you had just gotten your dream job,
and then you found out you were pregnant with me?
You must have been freaking out.
What? (scoffs)
Freaking out with happiness maybe.
Oh, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me!
My life is over. My mom's gonna kill me.
I am dead. Dead!
What the freak am I gonna do with a crapping baby?
Anyway, we love you. We're real glad you're here.
Now let's talk about something I wasn't glad was there:
those ducks.
Nailed the segue, dude.
They cost me eight precious minutes.
And unless I could find another way
to keep my creams cold,
that truck was headed straight to Curdle Town
on the Sour Milk Expressway,
population: spoiled.
(tires screech)
-♪ ♪ -(all gasp)
I'm gonna need the contents of all your Slusherito machines.
Oh, snap. You trying to keep your creams cold?
You know it.
(chuckles): You're crazy, man.
Wayne, I'm loving your story. Zero notes.
But can we hear what happened to Mom first?
-And, Gram, I don't have time for... -The pieces
were falling into place, but Henri,
the Cajun Complication, was hot on my tail.
Beatrice Jean Bryant.
Henri Bourbon Street Tomber.
Why am I not surprised to see you here?
You wouldn't be planning on taking
a little accidental tumbo, would you?
Who, me? Oh, I'm just shopping.
Is that a crime now, Detective?
Now, let's just take a look at your cart,
shall we, s'il vous plaît?
Rifle your calloused hands through my goods all you want.
Bananas. A thousand-pack of marbles.
Motor oil.
That's a mighty slippery assortment of items
you're shopping for.
But why don't I do you a kindness
and hold these items for you up front.
-If you must. -Oh, I must certainly must.
BETTY: But what he didn't know was...
Gram, I don't care.
Mom, what happened next?
(sighs) What am I gonna do?
I just broke up with that butthole Don,
and I was all ready to start my life in Charlotte
as a Panthers girl, not be a single mom.
Okay, just spitballing right off the top of my head.
I heard that you can leave a baby
at any fire station, and they have to raise it.
Plus, bonus, that baby's got a built-in job for life.
I am not leaving a baby at a fire station.
And do you think that's how we get firemen?
You think a person with two parents
would run into a burning building?
Okay, well, we can't tell anyone. I need to think.
Doo, doo-doo-doo.
Knock, knock.
Hey, Jenny. I'm so proud of you.
Look at us, y'all.
Two successful, career-oriented women.
Me, bravely inheriting my family's seafood restaurant,
and you, a full-fledged football dancer.
Yep. Look at us.
Anyway, congratulations.
You and I beat the odds because, you know, most of the girls
out here just get blessed with child
right out of high school and then they fall directly
into a life of stripping and boom-boom.
But not you and me, Jenny.
Doo, doo-doo-doo. See you at the top.
And, Brenda, I will pray for you.
So, how did Gram react when you told her?
Well, I was waiting for the perfect time.
You know, you don't want to interrupt her
when she's mid-grift.
BETTY: By all appearances,
Henri had gotten the best of me.
But appearances can be deceiving.
Stupid cart's fighting me
like a big-bosomed lady demanding her Mardi Gras beads.
Wobbly wheel, check.
Precariously stacked soup pyramid, check.
Teetering panini press over a "what you doing here" yogurt.
It's showtime.
(distorted shout)
-(dinging) -(all gasp)
Ma'am, are you okay?
Oh, I must have slipped on that yogurt.
I saw the whole thing. It's that guy's fault.
Now, now, listen here. She set me up.
She tricked me into pushing that wobbly cart.
A-And now she must've placed that panini press precariously.
I say, she's faux-hurt from that yogurt.
Oh, my back.
I'm in an expensive amount of pain.
(sighs): God, I'm such a dumbass.
I had a chance at something huge,
and I blew it in the most cliché way imaginable.
I skipped all the fun J.Lo stuff and went straight to Gigli.
You didn't blow anything.
You'll pop that sucker out,
get a Curves membership, and get back
to Tight Butt Fly Girl City.
(sighs) Yeah, if my mom doesn't kill me first.
(echoing): Jenny, she'll accept it. She'll know what to do.
-(heart beating) -Everything will be okay.
-(baby crying) -Come on, work with Mama here.
Come on. Come on.
WOMAN: No, Justin.
I told you to stop it. Ugh.
Why can't we just talk about it, honey?
'Cause I hate you, Mom!
(panting): I need some fresh air.
(alarm sounding)
We got a shoplifter!
Sure do! I think that's Jenny Hart.
Oh, the girl who just got
the professional cheerleading job?
And now she's caught stealing something?
What'd she steal?
A baker's dozen pregnancy tests.
Negative or positive?
Positive, brother.
Attention, we've got
a pregnant shoplifter
-by the name of Jenny Hart. -What?
Ho, ho. You wanted us to think you was hurt,
but you popped up like a baby in a king cake.
Only thing fatter than Tuesday is your lies.
(gasps) No!
So, not only did you find out you were pregnant with me
at a Mega Lo Mart bathroom, but the cherry
on this ambrosia salad is that you immediately got arrested?
Well, don't forget, I also had just pulled off
the most amazing, epic slip-and- fall in Mega Lo Mart history.
But you were immediately busted.
Ow! Can I just finish my story?
I mean, does it even matter what I...
WAYNE: The mixture of banana fluffernutter
and Sex on the Beach Slusheritos
was only going to buy me so much time,
but I knew, where there's a will,
there's a Wayne.
Don't cry, little buddy.
I'm getting you home safe.
(engine starts)
(shouts)
No! Not now.
Not after all of this.
It was gonna take a miracle to pull this one off.
And then, sure enough, one pulled up right next to me.
Looks like your milk truck is past its expiration date.
It sure is. Oh, my God.
You're professional wrestler turned movie star Bear Vulcano.
You drive a flower truck?
Course I do. I used to haul weapons-grade nitroglycerin,
but then I realized I don't have to prove anything to anybody.
I like flowers and wrestling and acting, in that order.
That is so cool, Real Bear Vulcano.
Wait a minute. You got room in there for a load of dairy?
Are peonies the perfect flower for dads and grads?
(chuckles) Yeah. We got the creams in on time.
That's it? I mean, I love the Bear Vulcano cameo,
I just through there would be an explosion or something.
(chuckles): Oh, there was.
-Who's this? -My ex.
She thinks I'm not a real man because I'm too emotional.
Guess I'm not the big, masculine hero she needs.
Your ex sounds like a real turd.
There's nothing more manly than getting
in a no-holds-barred cage match with your emotions.
I want to thank you, Real Bear Vulcano.
No, thank you.
Any day I get to hand someone a flower
and tell them it's gonna be okay,
that's a win for me.
My flowers! The nitro!
Great, bravo. I love how you brought it home.
Now, Mom, where were we?
Well, there's not much else to tell.
I still didn't have the courage to face Mother,
so I went and hid in the back of the store.
(sighs) Ugh, sweating for two.
-Oh, sorry. -WAYNE: No worries.
Just restocking the nogs.
Hang on. You were in the back of the store,
-like, the dairy section? -Yeah, why?
(gasps) No freaking way.
-You okay, ma'am? -No, nothing's okay.
Everyone had such high expectations for me,
and then I let them all down.
WAYNE: Aw, who cares what everyone thinks?
Being a hero isn't about impressing people.
It's about being there when someone needs you.
Yeah, now there's really someone who needs me.
Hey.
I know what'll cheer you up.
JENNY: Aw, a violet.
(chuckles) Pretty.
Oh, my God, that was you.
You were the man that gave me that flower.
We met before we ever actually met?
How crazy is that?
VIOLET: So dumb.
So, it turns out Wayne actually named me?
Huh. Yeah, I guess he sort of did.
That is so stupid.
How much dumber could this dumb story get?
Well, it does get a teeny bit dumber.
See, when I walked back to the front of the store...
What's all this?
A showering of gifts for the baby, my baby.
I got you these.
Jenny, I'm so sorry I said all that stuff earlier.
If I had known, I would have said it
behind your back, at church,
under the guise of asking people to pray for you.
But I think you're gonna be a great mom.
Aw, thanks, Louise.
I got you some baby bibs.
This one says "Goo Goo" in the Google font.
What a humorous use of typeface.
These are Mega Lo Mart Dumpers.
They can't legally be called diapers
'cause they contain trace amounts of fiberglass,
which technically makes them insulation.
That's very thoughtful.
Dance shoes?
I think these might be a little big for the baby.
They are not for the baby, dummy.
They are for you, 'cause being a mom
does not mean you got to give up on your dreams.
Yeah, it's just a curveball.
Some milk guy told me the same thing.
(all gasp)
Mother, I already know what you're gonna say.
Okay? You're disappointed.
(shushes) You're right. I am disappointed.
I'm disappointed that you were afraid to tell me,
because I will always be there for you,
no matter what.
Now, some of you are skimping on your shower gifts.
This is my grandbaby we're talking about.
Let's turn this shower into a waterfall, y'all.
VIOLET: Wow, they threw you an impromptu
Black Friday baby shower?
Man, the people in this town
really look out for each other, don't they?
They sure do.
-(air horn blowing) -Let's do it!
(excited shouting)
Someone crowd-surf me over to the headphones.
My tube top is slipping.
-Someone's biting me. -I'm biting someone!
I found a tube top, babies!
MANAGER WEBB: Whoa, whoa, man. Hey!
(glass shatters)
-(meows) -(horn honks musically)