1 00:00:01,252 --> 00:00:02,292 -(organ music playing) -(bell tolling) 2 00:00:04,380 --> 00:00:07,214 thank you all for being here to celebrate the life 3 00:00:07,341 --> 00:00:09,633 of miss anne stafford, 4 00:00:09,719 --> 00:00:13,470 -a pillar of our community who touched so many. -(sobbing) 5 00:00:13,597 --> 00:00:17,349 miss anne's dance studio was so much more 6 00:00:17,435 --> 00:00:19,852 than just a place to learn to tap. 7 00:00:20,021 --> 00:00:24,690 It was a haven for girls who had nowhere else to turn. 8 00:00:24,817 --> 00:00:26,650 Oh, miss anne! 9 00:00:26,777 --> 00:00:29,319 Taken from us too soon! 10 00:00:29,405 --> 00:00:32,322 (wails): Oh, miss anne! 11 00:00:32,491 --> 00:00:35,784 Mother, do not make this funeral about you. 12 00:00:35,911 --> 00:00:38,245 ♪ ♪ 13 00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:43,751 -I have a story to tell! -I do, too! 14 00:00:43,919 --> 00:00:45,294 -Oh, lord. -What's happening? 15 00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:47,087 These two trauma queens turn every funeral 16 00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:48,881 into a sob story competition. 17 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:51,884 Miss anne did more than introduce me 18 00:00:52,053 --> 00:00:54,094 to dance and pageantry. 19 00:00:54,221 --> 00:00:56,055 She saved my life. 20 00:00:56,223 --> 00:00:58,807 As you all know, my father died... 21 00:00:58,934 --> 00:01:00,225 During childbirth. 22 00:01:00,352 --> 00:01:01,310 -What...? -(gasping, crying) 23 00:01:01,479 --> 00:01:02,770 he went out for a cigarette 24 00:01:02,855 --> 00:01:04,354 and got run over by an ambulance. 25 00:01:04,523 --> 00:01:06,190 -(thunder crashes) -(sobbing) 26 00:01:06,275 --> 00:01:08,067 mother blamed me for daddy's death. 27 00:01:08,194 --> 00:01:10,277 (murmuring) 28 00:01:10,362 --> 00:01:12,571 my father also died. 29 00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:14,865 (thunder crashes) 30 00:01:14,950 --> 00:01:17,951 serving his country, a true hero, 31 00:01:18,079 --> 00:01:19,912 in the korean war. 32 00:01:19,997 --> 00:01:21,330 (murmuring) 33 00:01:21,457 --> 00:01:23,332 oh, I just remembered some more details. 34 00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:24,750 (thunder crashes) 35 00:01:24,877 --> 00:01:26,752 my father served in world war ii, 36 00:01:26,837 --> 00:01:28,754 which was probably the greatest war. 37 00:01:28,923 --> 00:01:30,923 Way better than the korean war. 38 00:01:31,008 --> 00:01:33,300 I had to get a job shucking pecans 39 00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:35,761 at the preteen, super tragic age of 11. 40 00:01:35,846 --> 00:01:39,098 While working third shift at the couch cushion factory, 41 00:01:39,183 --> 00:01:42,434 my toe got sewn to a love seat. 42 00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:44,937 I lost the tip of my pointer finger. 43 00:01:45,022 --> 00:01:46,522 But with lots of prayer and my faith 44 00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:49,942 in our lord jesus christ, my fingertip 45 00:01:50,069 --> 00:01:52,319 fully grew back and my nails have never 46 00:01:52,488 --> 00:01:54,404 -been stronger. -Wha...? 47 00:01:54,532 --> 00:01:56,198 Oh, miss anne! 48 00:01:56,325 --> 00:01:58,158 -(crying) -(people gasping) 49 00:01:58,285 --> 00:01:59,618 good lord, how many insane ladies 50 00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:01,036 are gonna bum-rush this eulogy? 51 00:02:01,163 --> 00:02:03,455 Marjune culpepper. 52 00:02:03,541 --> 00:02:06,125 -Do you have a story to share? -I do. 53 00:02:07,503 --> 00:02:10,587 It's a story I haven't told until now. 54 00:02:10,756 --> 00:02:13,799 When I was just 18, my father ran off. 55 00:02:13,884 --> 00:02:15,551 -(gasping) -my mama got real sick, 56 00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,553 and we just didn't know how we were gonna feed the baby. 57 00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:20,556 So one day, she gave me a red satin dress, 58 00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:24,268 made me up and paraded me in front of older men. 59 00:02:24,353 --> 00:02:25,853 -(gasping) -oh, hell no! 60 00:02:26,021 --> 00:02:29,189 We were just doing what we had to do to survive. 61 00:02:29,358 --> 00:02:32,192 And mama said, "here's your one chance, marjune. 62 00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:33,819 Don't let me down." 63 00:02:33,946 --> 00:02:35,571 -(groaning) -and from then on, 64 00:02:35,739 --> 00:02:38,615 I was bought and sold like chattel 65 00:02:38,742 --> 00:02:43,078 to men who were a minimum seven times my age. 66 00:02:43,205 --> 00:02:45,080 -(gasps) -I was a husk. 67 00:02:45,207 --> 00:02:47,040 And when miss anne took me under her wing, 68 00:02:47,168 --> 00:02:50,210 she built me back up, piece by broken piece, 69 00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:53,088 through the power of dance. 70 00:02:53,174 --> 00:02:54,381 (crying) 71 00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:57,217 did you hear that crock of dookie dundee? 72 00:02:57,344 --> 00:02:58,719 She made that whole thing up. 73 00:02:58,888 --> 00:03:01,638 Oh, I'm trying to unhear that web of lies. 74 00:03:01,765 --> 00:03:04,766 What are y'all doing? Cooking up some new sob stories? 75 00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:06,602 Jenny, open your earholes. 76 00:03:06,729 --> 00:03:09,897 Marjune culpepper just stole the entire plot 77 00:03:10,024 --> 00:03:12,566 of reba mcentire's hit song "fancy" 78 00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:15,444 and passed it off as her own life story. 79 00:03:15,571 --> 00:03:18,488 Red dress, locket, "be nice to the rich men, fancy." 80 00:03:18,616 --> 00:03:22,075 baby, tombstone, shack. It's iconic. 81 00:03:22,203 --> 00:03:23,744 Don't sugarcoat it, betty. 82 00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:27,706 It's the best childhood prostitute anthem ever recorded. 83 00:03:27,833 --> 00:03:29,291 Y'all, come on. 84 00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:31,585 She's not copying reba. It's totally different. 85 00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:34,421 (scoffs) that song's about a girl whose mother got sick 86 00:03:34,506 --> 00:03:36,506 and couldn't feed the baby so she put her teenage daughter 87 00:03:36,634 --> 00:03:38,383 in a red satin dress and sold her off to rich men 88 00:03:38,510 --> 00:03:40,177 'cause it was her one chance. 89 00:03:40,304 --> 00:03:42,679 Oh, I'm hearing it now. Yeah, she stole that story. 90 00:03:42,806 --> 00:03:45,015 ♪ ♪ 91 00:04:15,172 --> 00:04:16,838 violet: God bless whomever uploaded 92 00:04:16,966 --> 00:04:20,342 the jonestown massacre movie from 1980 staring powers boothe. 93 00:04:20,469 --> 00:04:23,345 1980s powers boothe is a smokeshow. 94 00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:25,264 When I get old enough, I'm totally gonna 95 00:04:25,349 --> 00:04:26,932 -change my name to powers boothe. -(aluminum bat clinks) 96 00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:28,558 -if you don't do it, vi, I will kill you. -(kids cheering) 97 00:04:28,686 --> 00:04:29,601 (both gasp) 98 00:04:29,728 --> 00:04:31,603 -ugh. Ew. -Gross. 99 00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:34,189 How did the ball get way out here? 100 00:04:34,316 --> 00:04:36,149 -Come on! Throw the ball back! -Kid: Come on! 101 00:04:36,235 --> 00:04:37,693 They're scoring! 102 00:04:37,820 --> 00:04:40,153 I'm already so violently bored with this ball. 103 00:04:40,239 --> 00:04:41,530 What is it even doing here? 104 00:04:41,657 --> 00:04:43,949 -Just throw it! -You ruin everything! 105 00:04:44,034 --> 00:04:47,494 Hold on. We're trying to decide what to do. 106 00:04:47,579 --> 00:04:49,955 Please, lord, just one of y'all throw it. 107 00:04:50,124 --> 00:04:52,082 Give me the ball. I'll do it. 108 00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:54,293 ♪ ♪ 109 00:04:54,420 --> 00:04:56,253 -(grunts) -(kids groan) 110 00:04:56,380 --> 00:04:58,755 ugh, seriously? We're losing the game. 111 00:04:58,924 --> 00:05:00,340 (grunts) 112 00:05:00,426 --> 00:05:02,718 honestly, you can just roll it if you need to. 113 00:05:02,845 --> 00:05:05,053 Way to shut down the game, you weirdos. 114 00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:06,805 Both: (gasp) bully! 115 00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:08,765 You suck! 116 00:05:08,851 --> 00:05:11,768 Remember I told you, if you at least try, I'll pass you. 117 00:05:11,854 --> 00:05:13,270 But you got to help me out here. 118 00:05:13,355 --> 00:05:14,855 There's literally nothing we could've done. 119 00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:16,440 I mean, are people seeing this? 120 00:05:16,525 --> 00:05:18,400 -Am I crazy? -Classic harassment. 121 00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:19,318 (both shout) 122 00:05:19,528 --> 00:05:21,028 -a hand! -An ugly glove! 123 00:05:22,323 --> 00:05:24,865 Oh, thank you so much. Thank you. 124 00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:28,952 All that love she's getting is based on a stolen song lyric. 125 00:05:29,079 --> 00:05:31,955 Every hug, every pat on the shoulder, 126 00:05:32,082 --> 00:05:34,583 every heartfelt handclasp. 127 00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:36,918 (gasps) and now reverend moore's praying with her? 128 00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,755 That should be us getting those extra prayers. 129 00:05:39,882 --> 00:05:42,716 Our stories were the saddest ones by a mile. 130 00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:46,219 Marjune culpepper needs to be exposed, and then 131 00:05:46,347 --> 00:05:49,473 this whole town will want those hugs and prayers back. 132 00:05:49,558 --> 00:05:52,684 That's right. The saddest thing in her life should be us. 133 00:05:52,770 --> 00:05:56,271 Crystalynn, I do not care for you, but I bet 134 00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:59,066 you're smelling exactly what I'm smelling, y'all. 135 00:05:59,193 --> 00:06:00,942 If you're cooking up a devil's bargain, 136 00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:02,903 I might fix myself a plate. 137 00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:04,821 Hey, did y'all see they got mini quiches... 138 00:06:04,907 --> 00:06:07,199 Oh, no. Not a devil's bargain. 139 00:06:07,326 --> 00:06:09,743 (school bell rings) 140 00:06:09,828 --> 00:06:11,787 fowler: Violet hart? David brito? 141 00:06:11,914 --> 00:06:13,747 Come on out, guys. You got to start training 142 00:06:13,832 --> 00:06:15,749 for the presidential physical fitness exam. 143 00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:17,918 -No, thank you. Pass. -Yeah. We're good. 144 00:06:18,003 --> 00:06:19,628 -We're in the middle of something. -Who are you? 145 00:06:19,755 --> 00:06:22,255 Well, I'm coach fowler, filling in for coach stikeleather. 146 00:06:22,341 --> 00:06:24,674 I guess he fell off his roof trying to get pine needles 147 00:06:24,802 --> 00:06:25,926 out of his directv dish. 148 00:06:26,011 --> 00:06:27,302 Now, what's all this? 149 00:06:27,429 --> 00:06:30,138 It's called japanese flower arranging. 150 00:06:30,224 --> 00:06:31,640 We have an agreement with coach stikeleather. 151 00:06:31,767 --> 00:06:33,517 We pursue our interests, and... 152 00:06:33,602 --> 00:06:36,019 That's it. That's the entire agreement. 153 00:06:36,188 --> 00:06:38,522 Well, I love where you're going with those flowers, 154 00:06:38,649 --> 00:06:41,066 but this is a gym class, so maybe put a pin 155 00:06:41,193 --> 00:06:43,485 in the flowers and come on down to the track, huh? 156 00:06:43,612 --> 00:06:45,695 Come on, move it. Your flowers are gonna be fine. 157 00:06:45,823 --> 00:06:48,323 What a nazi. Did you hear that? 158 00:06:48,450 --> 00:06:50,367 "your flowers will be fine." (scoffs) 159 00:06:50,452 --> 00:06:52,869 well, that's code for "don't you dare try to express yourself." 160 00:06:52,996 --> 00:06:56,081 marjune: Oh, bless you both for stopping by. 161 00:06:56,208 --> 00:06:58,917 I could use all the cheering up I can get. 162 00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:01,253 Miss anne's passing really brought up 163 00:07:01,380 --> 00:07:03,296 painful memories for me. 164 00:07:03,382 --> 00:07:07,968 Oh, my gosh, marjune, we were just so moved by your story. 165 00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:10,220 I shouldn't have waited so long to tell it. 166 00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:13,890 Yes, you might even say your story was a hit. 167 00:07:14,059 --> 00:07:16,351 Yes, it really sang. 168 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:20,188 You brought the mcentire room to tears. 169 00:07:20,357 --> 00:07:24,192 No one would ever hear it and ask for a reba-ate. 170 00:07:24,319 --> 00:07:25,986 Well, when you speak from the heart, 171 00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:28,071 it always connects. Cookie? 172 00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:30,323 Wow, she is really not getting it. 173 00:07:30,451 --> 00:07:32,617 We gotta stop being so clever. 174 00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,494 I've got a question that'll trip her up. 175 00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:37,414 Marjune, what was the name of that little town 176 00:07:37,541 --> 00:07:38,665 you grew up in? 177 00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:40,709 Um... 178 00:07:40,836 --> 00:07:42,669 -Thinmint. -Thinmint? 179 00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,296 Yes, thinmint. 180 00:07:44,423 --> 00:07:46,590 -You're saying thin mint? -Thinmint. 181 00:07:46,717 --> 00:07:48,467 -Thin... -Mint. 182 00:07:48,594 --> 00:07:52,262 Do you ever get back there, to thinmint? 183 00:07:52,347 --> 00:07:55,056 Oh, I haven't been to thinmint in years. 184 00:07:55,225 --> 00:07:57,350 You know what, marjune, 185 00:07:57,519 --> 00:08:00,353 I would love to see this refreshing town 186 00:08:00,481 --> 00:08:02,230 of thinmint, north carolina. 187 00:08:02,357 --> 00:08:06,234 You know what? I think that's a wonderful idea. 188 00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:08,278 -It is? -Absolutely. 189 00:08:08,363 --> 00:08:10,071 We should go, the three of us. 190 00:08:10,199 --> 00:08:12,782 I have been carrying around so much pain, 191 00:08:12,868 --> 00:08:14,075 it's time to face it. 192 00:08:14,203 --> 00:08:16,745 And I need you both for strength. 193 00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:18,246 Oh, uh, really? 194 00:08:18,373 --> 00:08:21,082 Yes. So, what do you say, ladies? Road trip? 195 00:08:21,210 --> 00:08:22,876 Uh-oh, looks like she called our bluff. 196 00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:26,505 Hmm? No. Caulderbluff is down more toward wilmington. 197 00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:30,509 Violet: And then this jock comes in and is like, 198 00:08:30,636 --> 00:08:33,720 "get your asses down there right now!" 199 00:08:33,889 --> 00:08:36,389 yelling at us to get in line and, I don't know, 200 00:08:36,475 --> 00:08:38,266 man up or something like that. 201 00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:39,809 Wait, he said that? 202 00:08:39,937 --> 00:08:42,062 He might as well have, throwing all his chest beating, 203 00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:43,563 caveman crap around. 204 00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:45,315 And if I fail the presidential fitness test, 205 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:46,816 I fail gym. 206 00:08:46,944 --> 00:08:50,028 And if the black mark on my record is gym... 207 00:08:55,118 --> 00:08:57,536 Vi, let us know when you feel like you've made your point. 208 00:08:57,621 --> 00:08:59,621 -Her gpa's gonna go down. -Wayne gets it. 209 00:08:59,790 --> 00:09:01,289 That friggin' meathead. 210 00:09:01,375 --> 00:09:03,250 Punishing kids just for being oddball weaklings. 211 00:09:03,377 --> 00:09:06,378 This isn't the 1980s. Weirdos are people, too. 212 00:09:06,505 --> 00:09:10,173 He's totally homophobic. An emotional terrorist. 213 00:09:10,259 --> 00:09:12,217 Well, that terrorist is about to meet the department 214 00:09:12,386 --> 00:09:13,677 of wayneland security. 215 00:09:13,762 --> 00:09:15,595 That homophobic, knuckle-dragging, 216 00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:17,889 kid rock listening roid rager needs to learn 217 00:09:17,975 --> 00:09:20,559 he cannot mess with people just because they're different. 218 00:09:20,686 --> 00:09:22,686 Mm. 219 00:09:22,813 --> 00:09:24,187 Oh, he's got a boyfriend. 220 00:09:24,356 --> 00:09:27,440 We may have some details wrong about this guy. 221 00:09:30,696 --> 00:09:32,821 (school bell rings) 222 00:09:32,948 --> 00:09:34,406 oh, sorry to keep you waiting. 223 00:09:34,491 --> 00:09:36,199 Uh, I was just saying goodbye to my husband. 224 00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:39,661 He's headed off to south america to fix some cleft palates. 225 00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:41,204 It's hard being apart, 226 00:09:41,331 --> 00:09:43,582 but seeing the looks on those kids' faces 227 00:09:43,709 --> 00:09:45,584 is just, oh... Wow. 228 00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:49,379 So, what's going on? What can I help you with? 229 00:09:49,506 --> 00:09:51,548 Well, don't take this the wrong way... 230 00:09:51,633 --> 00:09:54,217 It's just that we heard there might have been some... 231 00:09:54,386 --> 00:09:58,221 Ooh... (chuckles) emotional terrorism in your class. 232 00:09:58,348 --> 00:10:00,390 Oh, my god, thank you. Yes. 233 00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:03,310 I mean, she and david have been putting me through the ringer. 234 00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:05,353 Here's a list of the things they have done 235 00:10:05,522 --> 00:10:08,607 in order to get out of simply participating in gym. 236 00:10:08,734 --> 00:10:10,650 David pretended to have a heart attack. 237 00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:14,070 Violet claimed to have a split personality disorder 238 00:10:14,197 --> 00:10:15,822 so that I couldn't even talk to her. 239 00:10:15,907 --> 00:10:18,575 Instead, I had to speak to a wolf child named yoli. 240 00:10:18,702 --> 00:10:22,037 And finally, they called amber alerts on themselves 241 00:10:22,164 --> 00:10:23,705 simply to get out of jumping rope. 242 00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:25,457 And all of this was just yesterday. 243 00:10:25,626 --> 00:10:27,834 Oh, no, our daughter's the bad guy. 244 00:10:27,919 --> 00:10:29,252 I blame myself. 245 00:10:29,338 --> 00:10:30,962 I played her some old jerky boys albums. 246 00:10:31,089 --> 00:10:32,505 I poisoned the well. 247 00:10:32,591 --> 00:10:36,509 My lord, these old roads are taking me back. 248 00:10:36,595 --> 00:10:38,970 She's never been on this road in her life. 249 00:10:39,097 --> 00:10:41,389 She's just doubling down on her double down. 250 00:10:41,516 --> 00:10:43,099 (gasps) oh, look. 251 00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:44,976 There's doody's chicken. 252 00:10:45,062 --> 00:10:48,104 That place used to have the best fried chicken in the state. 253 00:10:48,190 --> 00:10:49,981 Doody was a dear friend of my father's 254 00:10:50,108 --> 00:10:51,941 and the first man who ever made love to me 255 00:10:52,027 --> 00:10:54,319 to the point I said, "now I get it." 256 00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:57,072 is she just gonna keep making up roadside memories 257 00:10:57,199 --> 00:10:59,199 until we jump out of this car? 258 00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:01,743 If that's her strategy, she's in for a big surprise. 259 00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:04,746 'cause I'm not leaving until she confesses to me 260 00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:06,956 like I'm pope sean paul. 261 00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:12,629 -We need to talk. -Wayne, please. If I may. 262 00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:16,549 I am her mother, and I know how to approach this. 263 00:11:16,718 --> 00:11:18,218 What the hell, violet?! 264 00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:20,220 I marched down there in full mama bear mode, 265 00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:22,097 ready to lift a car off my toddler, 266 00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:25,141 only to find out that my toddler was actually driving the car 267 00:11:25,227 --> 00:11:27,310 and she drove it right over her gym teacher, 268 00:11:27,437 --> 00:11:29,312 who was a nice, reasonable man. 269 00:11:29,398 --> 00:11:32,107 A nice, reasonable, gay man, 270 00:11:32,234 --> 00:11:35,151 which I only mention 'cause you led us to believe 271 00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:37,570 he was targeting y'all for being different. 272 00:11:37,656 --> 00:11:39,364 How could a gay guy be mean like that? 273 00:11:39,491 --> 00:11:41,366 And before you say anything, 274 00:11:41,451 --> 00:11:44,202 no, he wasn't even fun mean like the neighbor on will & grace. 275 00:11:44,329 --> 00:11:46,788 He was a gentle gay, like gandalf. 276 00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:49,833 Violet, he said he'll give you and david a "b" 277 00:11:49,918 --> 00:11:52,877 if you can pass the presidential physical fitness exam. 278 00:11:53,004 --> 00:11:55,880 Which is just some pull-ups, sit-ups and a light jog. 279 00:11:56,007 --> 00:11:58,675 -In one day? -Oh, come on, it's hardly anything. 280 00:11:58,802 --> 00:11:59,968 Well, did you pass it? 281 00:12:00,095 --> 00:12:01,886 -Yes. -Yes, with flying colors. 282 00:12:01,972 --> 00:12:04,556 ♪ ♪ 283 00:12:06,893 --> 00:12:09,436 more... Weight! 284 00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:11,980 I'm not the same as you guys. 285 00:12:12,107 --> 00:12:14,607 My body is different. 286 00:12:14,693 --> 00:12:16,317 -David: Oh, god. Cramp. -Aw, shin splints. 287 00:12:16,445 --> 00:12:18,069 -Cramp! Medical grade blisters. -Oh, and my vision is blurry. 288 00:12:18,155 --> 00:12:19,571 I have heat stroke. I feel it. 289 00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:21,197 -My organs are shutting down. -Jenny: Guys. 290 00:12:21,324 --> 00:12:23,158 We're not even to the car yet. 291 00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:24,951 Okay, violet, in over 45 minutes, 292 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:27,203 you did just under one push-up. 293 00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:29,330 But we're rounding up, right? 294 00:12:29,458 --> 00:12:32,208 And, david, as far as I can tell, you didn't do anything. 295 00:12:32,335 --> 00:12:34,210 Nuh-uh. I did a half a sit-up. 296 00:12:34,337 --> 00:12:35,670 That's just called lying down. 297 00:12:35,797 --> 00:12:37,380 Bottom line, you guys would fail 298 00:12:37,507 --> 00:12:39,382 the presidential physical fitness exam 299 00:12:39,468 --> 00:12:41,760 and whatever test they give for osteoporosis. 300 00:12:41,887 --> 00:12:44,721 Ugh. We don't need this. Making me and david pass p.E. 301 00:12:44,848 --> 00:12:46,848 Is like making the quarterback learn the difference 302 00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:48,057 between yaz and erasure. 303 00:12:48,185 --> 00:12:49,350 Ooh. Perfect analogy. 304 00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:51,644 -Low-energy five? -Jenny: Violet, 305 00:12:51,730 --> 00:12:53,104 stop fooling around. 306 00:12:53,231 --> 00:12:54,814 It's like you don't even care about this. 307 00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:56,816 Ding, ding, ding! I don't. 308 00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:59,986 (exasperated groaning) 309 00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:05,325 boy, she is not going to admit to this lie for nothing. 310 00:13:05,494 --> 00:13:07,577 She sure is going to a lot of trouble 311 00:13:07,662 --> 00:13:10,330 for something that's just gonna blow up in her face. 312 00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:14,125 Wait. It's starting to feel like too much trouble. 313 00:13:14,252 --> 00:13:17,587 -What do you mean? -Let me walk you through this, helen keller. 314 00:13:17,756 --> 00:13:19,455 She was cornered, like an animal, 315 00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:22,383 had to think fast, so she just got us on the road... 316 00:13:22,511 --> 00:13:24,886 In the middle of nowhere. 317 00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:27,222 -She's gonna kill us! -She's fixin' to kill us! 318 00:13:27,390 --> 00:13:28,765 Obviously, we got to disguise ourselves 319 00:13:28,850 --> 00:13:30,391 so we can get away from her. 320 00:13:30,519 --> 00:13:32,477 Look around, dummy-- there's always black hair dye 321 00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:34,187 in these gas station bathrooms. 322 00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:36,940 No. When people are trying to conceal their identity, 323 00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:39,317 they bring their own black hair dye to gas station bathrooms. 324 00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:41,110 -(knocking) -marjune: You guys almost ready? 325 00:13:41,196 --> 00:13:42,320 Hang on! 326 00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:44,447 Betty's doing a real nasty number two. 327 00:13:44,533 --> 00:13:46,115 Betty: Why would you say that? 328 00:13:46,201 --> 00:13:49,744 No, I'm not. Crystalynn's the one that had diarrhea. 329 00:13:49,871 --> 00:13:53,456 Crystalynn: Marjune, I swear to you I did not have diarrhea. 330 00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:55,625 Betty: Just one more minute. 331 00:13:55,752 --> 00:13:57,293 When we leave this restroom, 332 00:13:57,379 --> 00:13:59,045 we have to be two totally different people. 333 00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:01,923 How about you wet that toilet paper and use it as a wig? 334 00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:03,424 A white wig? Like a british judge? 335 00:14:03,552 --> 00:14:05,802 And then I'll squirt that pink soap all over my head 336 00:14:05,929 --> 00:14:06,886 like a punk rocker. 337 00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:08,221 Whatever we do, 338 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,265 we cannot get back in that truck with her. 339 00:14:11,518 --> 00:14:13,852 Why did we get back in this truck? 340 00:14:13,979 --> 00:14:15,937 I don't know. 341 00:14:17,232 --> 00:14:18,940 Violet hart, you are not gonna give up. 342 00:14:19,067 --> 00:14:20,316 You have to at least try. 343 00:14:20,485 --> 00:14:22,652 I don't want to try, because when I do, 344 00:14:22,821 --> 00:14:24,696 it sucks and it's embarrassing. 345 00:14:24,823 --> 00:14:26,906 It's easier to act like things are stupid 346 00:14:26,992 --> 00:14:28,533 and you're above them. 347 00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:30,451 Then people are less likely to tease you about it. 348 00:14:30,579 --> 00:14:33,538 Oh, violet, I didn't know how much you... 349 00:14:33,665 --> 00:14:34,789 (gasps) 350 00:14:34,958 --> 00:14:36,457 ♪ ♪ 351 00:14:36,585 --> 00:14:38,543 -(bicycle bell rings) -(grunts) 352 00:14:38,670 --> 00:14:39,836 -(tries screech) -aah! 353 00:14:39,963 --> 00:14:41,754 -(horn honks) -(grunts) 354 00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:43,506 what the...? 355 00:14:43,633 --> 00:14:44,924 (grunting) 356 00:14:45,051 --> 00:14:46,259 hey! 357 00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:48,052 (grunts) 358 00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:50,847 ♪ ♪ 359 00:14:50,932 --> 00:14:54,309 finally! Rocky horror is coming to greenpoint after 45 years. 360 00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:55,727 No way! 361 00:14:55,854 --> 00:14:57,896 Guys, do you realize what just happened? 362 00:14:58,023 --> 00:15:01,190 Yes. The town of greenpoint just stepped into the '90s. 363 00:15:01,359 --> 00:15:04,819 No, you both ran like your houses were on fire. 364 00:15:04,946 --> 00:15:06,946 Well, it was necessary. 365 00:15:07,032 --> 00:15:09,657 Right, so there are some things that get you off your ass. 366 00:15:09,784 --> 00:15:12,619 Of course there are. They just have to be important things. 367 00:15:12,787 --> 00:15:15,496 Like, I don't know, the opposite of gym class. 368 00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:17,957 Well, I think I just figured out how to get you guys to train. 369 00:15:18,126 --> 00:15:19,459 Oh, lord. 370 00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:22,003 Both: She's gonna mr. Miyagi us. 371 00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:28,176 (laughs) I love that look. 372 00:15:28,303 --> 00:15:29,552 You guys are really pulling me out of my funk. 373 00:15:29,638 --> 00:15:31,471 We're surprised you recognized us 374 00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:34,641 and urged us to get back in the truck. 375 00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:37,060 I have to say, at first, I was like, "who is this? 376 00:15:37,187 --> 00:15:38,937 A british judge and a punk rocker?" 377 00:15:39,064 --> 00:15:41,189 (laughs) oh. 378 00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:43,524 This is my favorite part of the drive. 379 00:15:43,652 --> 00:15:45,902 The part where the road gets narrow 380 00:15:45,987 --> 00:15:48,071 and there's not a soul around. 381 00:15:48,198 --> 00:15:50,156 How about a little music? 382 00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:53,201 -(spooky music plays) -(chuckles nervously) 383 00:15:53,328 --> 00:15:55,745 y'all, we got to get a plan here. 384 00:15:55,830 --> 00:15:57,455 I got one. 385 00:15:57,582 --> 00:15:59,624 I've been trying to get some of marjune's carpet fibers 386 00:15:59,751 --> 00:16:02,085 under my toenails for the coroner to find. 387 00:16:02,170 --> 00:16:03,503 Smart move. 388 00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:05,338 I also have swallowed some seat padding, 389 00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:08,257 so it'll be christmas morning when that coroner empties 390 00:16:08,343 --> 00:16:09,801 the contents of my stomach. 391 00:16:09,928 --> 00:16:13,179 But now I'm thinking, what if it doesn't come to that? 392 00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:15,223 What if we get to her first? 393 00:16:15,350 --> 00:16:17,558 Betty, are you pitching pre-murder? 394 00:16:17,686 --> 00:16:20,186 In self-defense, which is airtight. 395 00:16:20,355 --> 00:16:23,564 But if this doesn't work, we are going down together. 396 00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:26,651 If so, I wish you the best in your afterlife, 397 00:16:26,736 --> 00:16:29,654 as I will not be seeing you in mine. 398 00:16:29,781 --> 00:16:31,531 -Ready? -Ready. 399 00:16:34,953 --> 00:16:36,911 Oh, look, we're here. 400 00:16:37,038 --> 00:16:38,496 Both: Oh, what?! 401 00:16:38,623 --> 00:16:40,623 ("fancy" by reba mcentire playing) 402 00:16:40,792 --> 00:16:43,001 ♪ well, I remember it all very well looking back... ♪ 403 00:16:43,086 --> 00:16:46,504 well, this is it. My childhood home. 404 00:16:46,631 --> 00:16:48,381 ♪ then mama spent every last penny we had ♪ 405 00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:50,466 ♪ to buy me a dancing dress ♪ 406 00:16:50,593 --> 00:16:53,177 ♪ well, mama washed and combed and curled my hair ♪ 407 00:16:53,304 --> 00:16:55,805 -♪ and then she painted my eyes and lips ♪ -♪ lips... ♪ 408 00:16:55,932 --> 00:16:57,557 mama's mirror. 409 00:16:57,684 --> 00:16:59,684 And my hair brush. 410 00:16:59,811 --> 00:17:01,936 (gasps) 411 00:17:02,063 --> 00:17:03,187 my locket. 412 00:17:03,314 --> 00:17:05,898 -Good lord. -Unbelievable. 413 00:17:06,026 --> 00:17:07,567 Is that little juny? 414 00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:08,901 -Nancy? -(gasps) 415 00:17:08,987 --> 00:17:10,987 oh, nancy, come here to me. 416 00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:13,906 ♪ here's your one chance, fancy, don't let me down. ♪ 417 00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:15,491 this is my cousin nancy. 418 00:17:15,618 --> 00:17:18,244 Oh, nan, I'm so sorry I haven't been back. 419 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:23,166 Juny, why would you come back after being so cruelly sold off? 420 00:17:23,293 --> 00:17:26,419 Oh, my god, it's all true. 421 00:17:26,588 --> 00:17:29,213 It is true, and I heard every word y'all said. 422 00:17:29,340 --> 00:17:31,174 We were in a small truck cab together. 423 00:17:31,301 --> 00:17:35,386 Do you all not understand how sound works? 424 00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:39,223 Now, violet, I know you don't want to do a sit-up, 425 00:17:39,350 --> 00:17:41,934 but I do know you want to get a closer look at this. 426 00:17:42,020 --> 00:17:43,686 Oh, my god! 427 00:17:43,855 --> 00:17:46,647 Is that really the xanadu soundtrack on purple vinyl? 428 00:17:46,775 --> 00:17:49,442 -Yep. Want to read the liner notes? -(grunts) 429 00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:51,486 okay, you probably don't want to see this. 430 00:17:51,654 --> 00:17:54,197 It's just a weird portrait of an alien girl. 431 00:17:54,324 --> 00:17:55,990 A margaret keane big eyes portrait! 432 00:17:56,117 --> 00:17:59,368 Must look directly into those eyes! 433 00:17:59,496 --> 00:18:01,621 (grunting) 434 00:18:01,706 --> 00:18:03,122 ♪ ♪ 435 00:18:03,291 --> 00:18:05,208 he's got playing cards with pictures of cats 436 00:18:05,293 --> 00:18:06,751 dressed as turn-of-the-century pioneers! 437 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:08,586 -Oh, my god, kill me! -What does she have? 438 00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:10,755 Tales from the crypt director's cut! 439 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,465 Unbelievable. 440 00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:15,968 -(grunting) -grace jones fashion retrospective. 441 00:18:16,096 --> 00:18:18,638 Taxidermied fox wearing a monocle. 442 00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:22,725 1970s cookbook where every recipe uses jell-o! 443 00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:27,980 ("holding out for a hero" by reika playing in japanese) 444 00:18:45,959 --> 00:18:48,167 ♪ ♪ 445 00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:54,382 -(exhales) -congratulations, you did it. 446 00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:58,043 You did the absolute bare minimum to pass this test. 447 00:18:58,138 --> 00:19:01,472 This is the most effort I've ever put into gaining nothing. 448 00:19:01,599 --> 00:19:04,767 I will cherish this for no more than five minutes. 449 00:19:04,894 --> 00:19:07,436 ♪ ♪ 450 00:19:09,732 --> 00:19:13,359 you're doing your own victory freeze frame? 451 00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:15,486 Okay. 452 00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:21,492 -We are bad people. -Yep. 453 00:19:21,619 --> 00:19:24,787 We have wickedness in us, coursing through our veins. 454 00:19:24,956 --> 00:19:26,706 Absolutely. 455 00:19:26,791 --> 00:19:28,958 We almost killed a person. 456 00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:30,251 Correct. 457 00:19:30,420 --> 00:19:31,752 My daddy didn't die in childbirth. 458 00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:34,589 He died in orlando, in his sleep, 459 00:19:34,757 --> 00:19:36,966 spooning my loving mother at their beautiful, 460 00:19:37,093 --> 00:19:38,843 manicured retirement community. 461 00:19:38,970 --> 00:19:42,346 Yep, and my mother never worked in a couch cushion factory. 462 00:19:42,473 --> 00:19:44,640 She baked in our kitchen every day. 463 00:19:44,767 --> 00:19:49,103 Delicious pork roasts and heavenly layered cakes. 464 00:19:49,230 --> 00:19:51,063 And I didn't lose a finger. 465 00:19:51,191 --> 00:19:52,773 This is my original. 466 00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:55,568 And I still have all the toes the good lord gave me. 467 00:19:55,653 --> 00:19:57,069 An even dozen. 468 00:19:57,197 --> 00:19:58,487 You are gross. 469 00:19:58,656 --> 00:20:00,323 Nevertheless, we should come clean 470 00:20:00,408 --> 00:20:02,575 to our loved ones about all this. 471 00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:04,035 You're right. 472 00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:06,370 It's time we barfed up the truth, y'all. 473 00:20:06,497 --> 00:20:09,498 However, if we tell our adult children that 474 00:20:09,626 --> 00:20:12,668 much of what they know of their family's past is embellished, 475 00:20:12,754 --> 00:20:16,923 we risk causing them to never trust anyone ever again. 476 00:20:17,050 --> 00:20:18,633 That would be tragic. 477 00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:21,802 Crystalynn, although it gives me hand cancer 478 00:20:21,930 --> 00:20:23,930 to feel your icy finger bones, 479 00:20:24,057 --> 00:20:26,224 I propose we keep this to ourselves 480 00:20:26,392 --> 00:20:28,059 and make another devil's bargain 481 00:20:28,186 --> 00:20:30,436 within our current devil's bargain. 482 00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:33,606 Betty, although touching you feels like sticking my hand 483 00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:36,525 in a garbage disposal full of used needles, 484 00:20:36,653 --> 00:20:38,486 I agree. 485 00:20:38,655 --> 00:20:40,154 So you want a ride home? 486 00:20:40,281 --> 00:20:41,864 I'd rather die than ride in your crap wagon. 487 00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:44,992 Good, because I didn't bring a pet carrier for you, 488 00:20:45,078 --> 00:20:48,621 and I sure as hell don't have any newspaper for your seat. 489 00:20:55,380 --> 00:20:56,754 Isn't this so exciting?! 490 00:20:56,923 --> 00:20:58,631 I hope I brought enough toast for everyone. 491 00:20:58,758 --> 00:21:00,967 I'm really nervous there won't be enough toast. 492 00:21:01,094 --> 00:21:02,593 Wayne, I'm sure people brought their own toast. 493 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:05,179 Fair warning, when we get to time warping, 494 00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:07,682 I treat it more like a mosh pit, so if you get near me, 495 00:21:07,809 --> 00:21:09,433 you will get bruised. 496 00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:11,727 Everybody got their rice ready to throw? 497 00:21:11,854 --> 00:21:16,232 Okay, remember, throw the rice down away from people's eyes. 498 00:21:16,359 --> 00:21:19,026 Do you think this has become too mainstream? 499 00:21:19,153 --> 00:21:20,444 Yeah. Already lame. 500 00:21:20,571 --> 00:21:23,072 Want to go watch eraserhead? 501 00:21:23,199 --> 00:21:25,491 Yo, adrian! 502 00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:29,203 I think there was a miscommunication, my babies. 503 00:21:29,330 --> 00:21:31,205 -(meows) -(horn honks musically) 504 00:21:31,874 --> 00:21:34,542 captioned by media access group at wgbh