1
00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:34,640
<i>You should go and talk to someone.</i>

2
00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:38,760
<i>Are you sleeping?</i>

3
00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:44,160
There's like, uh, like a service.

4
00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:47,560
It's free.
You might as well.

5
00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:55,280
Connell?

6
00:00:57,160 --> 00:00:58,560
Would you like to come with me?

7
00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:08,656
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,

8
00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:12,456
five, four, three, two, one.

9
00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:15,296
Happy New Year!

10
00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:35,080
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year.

11
00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:38,520
Happy New Year, you.

12
00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:50,816
Who is it?

13
00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:53,080
Uh, it's just an old school friend.

14
00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:57,640
You okay?

15
00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:04,216
Uh, yeah.
It's just a Happy New Year thing.

16
00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:06,160
Happy New Year!

17
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:12,440
What do you mean?

18
00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:14,400
<i>Are you on your own?</i>

19
00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:17,680
No, I'm with Helen.
What do you mean, a body?

20
00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:19,696
Whose body, what?

21
00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:21,736
<i>Rob Hegarty, sweetheart.</i>

22
00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:24,560
<i>They pulled a body
out of the river this morning.</i>

23
00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:45,000
Okay, why don't we talk about
how you're feeling.

24
00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:51,440
Uh, yeah, not great.

25
00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:56,280
I'm sorry to hear that.

26
00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:01,040
When did you start feeling this way?

27
00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:04,336
Uh...

28
00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:05,880
a couple of months ago.

29
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:08,200
January, I suppose.

30
00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:10,120
Okay.

31
00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:14,736
Did something happen then,
or did it just

32
00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:16,440
come out of nowhere, do you feel?

33
00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,440
A friend of mine killed himself
in January.

34
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,520
A friend from school.

35
00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:29,560
I'm very sorry to hear that, Connell.

36
00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:33,336
We, we hadn't really kept up
with each other after college.

37
00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:34,400
'Cause he was, uh...

38
00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:36,816
He was just back in Sligo

39
00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:38,560
and I was up here
and everything, and um...

40
00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:45,000
I guess I just feel guilty that I wasn't
in touch with him more.

41
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:47,680
I can understand that.

42
00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:50,576
But however you might be feeling
about your friend,

43
00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:52,560
what happened to him is not your fault.

44
00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:57,440
You are not responsible
for the decisions he made.

45
00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:00,720
I never even replied to the last message
he sent me.

46
00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:05,920
When you lose someone to suicide,

47
00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:09,216
it can be natural to wonder if there's
any more you could have done

48
00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:10,720
in order to help this person.

49
00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:16,056
I'm sure everyone in your friend's life
is asking themselves

50
00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:17,096
the same questions now.

51
00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:19,160
Yeah, but at least other people
tried to help him.

52
00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:29,760
He'd, uh, been drinking a fair bit.

53
00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:34,880
He seemed a bit, um...
you know, out of sorts, I guess.

54
00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:36,880
Right.

55
00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:39,600
Never wanted to go home, you know?

56
00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:42,200
He always wanted one more.

57
00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:46,280
Got into a few scraps.

58
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:50,560
Nothing serious, just...
thought it was a laugh.

59
00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:53,120
I tried talking to him, but...

60
00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:17,160
You look handsome.

61
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:43,320
Ready, sweetheart?

62
00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:00,800
Marianne.

63
00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:40,840
Thank you.

64
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:47,056
I'm so sorry.
Thanks for the colors.

65
00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:48,320
You look great.

66
00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:50,440
Thank you.

67
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:52,360
I'm so sorry.

68
00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:55,160
Thanks, love.
Thanks for coming.

69
00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:04,880
Connell.
Good man, good man.

70
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:07,920
I hear you're doing great things
above in Trinity.

71
00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:10,840
So sorry.
Good man.

72
00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:14,360
Thanks for coming.

73
00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:18,320
Thank you.

74
00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:51,200
How are things?

75
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:54,280
- Who's this?
- Uh...

76
00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:57,440
Helen.
Uh, this is Eric.

77
00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:00,520
Girlfriend, is it?
Yeah.

78
00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:04,256
Must be your fault this fella
never comes home anymore.

79
00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:05,840
No, it's not her fault.
It's my fault.

80
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:09,720
I'm just messing.

81
00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:18,120
Good of Marianne to come.

82
00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:19,856
I thought she was off in Sweden
or some place.

83
00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:22,040
Yeah, she was.
She's back for the funeral.

84
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,440
She's gone very thin, hasn't she?

85
00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:28,840
Here's herself.

86
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:31,536
Very good to have come all the way
from Sweden, Marianne.

87
00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:33,080
It's nice to see you.

88
00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:40,440
Do you know Helen here?

89
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:43,880
Course I do.
We were in college together.

90
00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:46,400
Hello, Helen.

91
00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:49,480
It's all friendly, I hope.

92
00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:52,216
No rivalry, I mean.

93
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:53,720
Behave yourself now.

94
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:08,120
Why didn't you introduce me
to any of your friends?

95
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:12,840
I introduced you to Eric, didn't I?

96
00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:14,640
Only after he asked.

97
00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:18,040
To be honest, you didn't seem like
you really wanted him to meet me.

98
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:26,400
If you didn't want me to come,
you shouldn't have asked me.

99
00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:30,640
Okay, I'm sorry I asked you, then.

100
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:34,296
What does that mean?

101
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:36,200
- You're sorry I was there?
- No.

102
00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:37,896
I'm saying if you got the wrong impression

103
00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:40,040
of what it was gonna be like,
then I'm sorry.

104
00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:44,496
You didn't
want me there at all, did you?

105
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:46,760
I didn't want to be there myself,
to be honest.

106
00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:49,896
Look, I'm sorry
you didn't have a good time.

107
00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:52,880
But like, it was a funeral.
Don't really know what you expected.

108
00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:02,320
Well, you weren't ignoring Marianne.

109
00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:04,856
I wasn't ignoring anyone.

110
00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:06,976
But you just seemed particularly happy
to see her.

111
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:08,936
For fuck's sake, Helen.
What?

112
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,160
I mean, does every argument
have to come back to this?

113
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:15,776
Our friend just killed himself,
and now, you want to start

114
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:17,840
going at me about Marianne.
Like, seriously?

115
00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:21,680
And yeah.

116
00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:24,840
I was happy to see her.
Does that make me a monster?

117
00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:30,200
I've been very sympathetic about Rob
and you know that.

118
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:33,016
But what do you expect me to do?
Just pretend I don't notice

119
00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:34,576
you're staring at another woman
in front of me.

120
00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:37,496
No, I was not staring at her.
You were, in the church.

121
00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:39,000
It wasn't intentional.

122
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,520
Why do you have to act
so weird around her?

123
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,240
How I act with her
is my normal personality.

124
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:54,440
I'm... maybe I'm just a weird person.

125
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:27,296
Most of you will, I hope,
have picked up on the fact that...

126
00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:41,440
This dismantling of the family trope
is fairly radical.

127
00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:45,376
The constitution itself quite literally
defined the Irish...

128
00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:34,160
<i>Like, I want to be there for you,
but you just won't let me.</i>

129
00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:38,320
<i>I have tried.</i>

130
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:42,720
And I feel like I'm holding on
to other, like,

131
00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:47,160
frankly legitimate worries or whatever

132
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:49,640
that existed before all this.

133
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:53,440
Before you felt like this.

134
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,016
And I can't sit on them
'cause you're feeling so low.

135
00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:58,400
That's just not fair.

136
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:02,400
I really care about you.

137
00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:05,240
I hate seeing you like this.

138
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,240
But I don't think this is working anymore.

139
00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:15,200
I don't know if this was all the way
working before, and now...

140
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:19,880
all this is just like...

141
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,200
exacerbated it, and...

142
00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:26,360
Okay.

143
00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:31,880
I'm sorry.

144
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:37,840
I'm sorry too.

145
00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:51,240
Do you have friends here in Dublin?

146
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:56,400
Anyone you're close with that you might
talk to about how you're feeling.

147
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,240
Um...

148
00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:07,600
Niall, maybe.
He's the one who told me about this.

149
00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:10,360
Well, that's good.

150
00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:13,360
He's looking out for you.

151
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:16,440
Niall.

152
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:18,440
Okay.

153
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:23,200
I have another friend that
I'm pretty close with, but, um...

154
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:25,760
she's on Erasmus this year.

155
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,320
<i>I'm sorry.
That sounds awful.</i>

156
00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:37,016
<i>- I liked Helen.</i>
- HM.

157
00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:39,680
<i>I did.
I genuinely did.</i>

158
00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:43,640
<i>I know she wasn't entirely
fond of me, but...</i>

159
00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:46,760
<i>it's hard to ignore
that she made you happy.</i>

160
00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:48,520
I, I don't know.

161
00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:50,920
I don't feel anything.

162
00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:54,240
Then I...

163
00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:58,776
I find myself crying or having
a panic attack

164
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:01,240
so presumably, I do feel it.
Just, uh...

165
00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:04,440
It just doesn't connect.

166
00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:09,720
<i>I understand.</i>

167
00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:13,520
I know you do.

168
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:19,160
I'm really tired.

169
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:22,640
<i>You want to sleep?</i>

170
00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:26,000
<i>We can keep Skype on.</i>

171
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:30,560
<i>Carry me over to your bed.</i>

172
00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:25,200
Is she a friend from college?

173
00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:27,520
We were in school together.

174
00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:31,480
But, uh, she's in Trinity as well.
It's Marianne.

175
00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:36,800
She knew Rob, our friend who died.

176
00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:39,336
But um...

177
00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:41,440
she's away this year, like I said.

178
00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:09,240
You're awake.

179
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:13,200
<i>Morning.</i>

180
00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:28,960
Is she someone you might talk with
about how you're feeling?

181
00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:31,840
She's been supportive about it.

182
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:34,760
And she's, um...

183
00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:40,736
She's hard to describe,
if you don't know her.

184
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:41,920
She's, um...

185
00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:44,960
she's really smart.

186
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:48,040
She's a lot smarter than me.

187
00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:54,360
We, we see the world in a similar way.
And uh...

188
00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:58,896
we've lived our life in the same place.

189
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:00,200
So obviously, it's, um...

190
00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:04,960
It's a bit different being away from her.

191
00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,080
It sounds difficult.
Mm‐hmm.

192
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:16,320
I don't really click with a lot of people.

193
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:19,000
I, I struggle with that, actually.

194
00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:24,560
Do you think that's a new problem?

195
00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:28,640
Or is it familiar to you?

196
00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:30,760
Mm.

197
00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:34,480
It's, uh, familiar.

198
00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:36,680
I would say, um...

199
00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:41,560
in school, I definitely felt that

200
00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:44,960
feeling of isolation or whatever.
But um...

201
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:52,520
People seem to like me.
Everything, and...

202
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:57,720
here, I don't think that, uh...

203
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:03,680
people like me that much.

204
00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:10,720
Uh, like Rob, my friend who, uh...

205
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:18,360
um, I wouldn't say that we clicked
on a very deep level or anything.

206
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:22,000
But, um, we were friends.

207
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:24,960
And, uh...

208
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:27,456
I wouldn't say that we had a lot in common

209
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,640
in terms of interests
or anything like that.

210
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:35,600
Definitely not politically, if we ever
really examined that. But, um...

211
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:42,440
That stuff didn't really matter in school.

212
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:47,720
'Cause we were, we were in the same
group of friends, so, you know?

213
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:49,720
I understand that.

214
00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:56,120
And, uh, he...
he did some stuff that I, uh...

215
00:19:57,320 --> 00:20:00,296
I wouldn't have been a fan of,
in terms of, like with girls.

216
00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:01,360
But uh...

217
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,440
We were 18, you know.
We just, uh...

218
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:12,760
we acted like idiots, and uh...

219
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:17,736
I think...

220
00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:20,800
I felt a bit alienated with that stuff.

221
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,200
And, uh...

222
00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:30,960
I think‐I think I thought if I...

223
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:33,560
moved here...

224
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:36,400
I'd fit in better.

225
00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:39,280
I thought, um...

226
00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:45,560
I'd meet more like‐minded people
but that just hasn't...

227
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:47,760
um...

228
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:04,360
I left Carricklea thinking
I could have a different life.

229
00:21:09,120 --> 00:21:13,320
But I... I hate it here and...

230
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:16,800
I can never go back.

231
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:22,120
Because those friendships are gone, and...

232
00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:30,400
and Rob is gone and I,
I can't see him again.

233
00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:36,000
I can't get that life back.

234
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,896
I'm sorry.

235
00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:41,880
You don't need to apologize.

236
00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:45,840
<i>She sounds nice.</i>

237
00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:49,360
Yeah.
<i>Sounds good.</i>

238
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:52,200
Yeah.

239
00:22:53,120 --> 00:22:54,776
<i>Well done, Niall.</i>

240
00:22:58,680 --> 00:22:59,960
<i>How do you feel now?</i>

241
00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:03,960
Uh, okay.

242
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:05,520
Just, um...

243
00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:09,520
Flat, I guess.

244
00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:11,480
<i>Mm.</i>

245
00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:13,920
What?

246
00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:19,200
Do you ever feel...

247
00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:21,560
I don't know.

248
00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:23,800
Angry?

249
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:26,960
Uh, about?

250
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:28,760
<i>About Rob.</i>

251
00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:32,720
<i>After the funeral, did you feel angry?</i>

252
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:36,120
With him?
<i>No.</i>

253
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:38,320
No, geez, no.

254
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:42,400
I know that's...
that people feel that when someone...

255
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:47,560
I couldn't get off Facebook.

256
00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:52,080
Everyone kept commenting on his wall.

257
00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:54,880
<i>Yeah.</i>
Like, it made me furious.

258
00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:57,896
Like, what do they mean?

259
00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:00,680
All these people, like
advertising their loss like that.

260
00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:04,680
<i>And who's it for?
Not Rob, obviously.</i>

261
00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:07,456
And, like,
what's the etiquette there?

262
00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:09,720
Should I be liking every comment
on his wall?

263
00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:12,656
Well, it sounds like you've
worked through that anger.

264
00:24:13,601 --> 00:24:14,760
No.

265
00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:19,600
Of course, people can grieve
how they want.

266
00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:23,920
- Sorry.
- I get it.

267
00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:27,080
It feels a bit pointless.

268
00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:29,280
Yeah, I think that's it.

269
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:34,320
And everyone kept talking about...

270
00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:37,800
what a great person he was.

271
00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:42,520
How full of life,
what a devoted son, and I get it.

272
00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:45,720
But what, was that him?

273
00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:50,120
No.

274
00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:54,360
He was insecure.

275
00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:57,640
Obsessed with being liked.

276
00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:02,800
I mean, I know I can talk.
But...

277
00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:10,640
I miss you.

278
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:15,880
I miss you, too, Connell.