- You're only making this harder on yourself mate.
(Song, 9 to 5 plays in the background)
- You'll never take me alive.
- Come on mate, keep up. - I'm trying.
(Song, 9 to 5 plays in the background)
- My feet are killing me.
I've seen 20 bloody flats already this week.
- Yeah, I'm sorry you can't use my spare room,
I need it for my home gym.
- It's clearly working.
- Oh!
Gotcha.
- Nice one, Fran.
Run again and I'll shoot you.
- Do you have any idea who you're dealing with?
I'm serving a Mafia mate.
You kill me, someone will come after you.
- Who, Long John Silver? - Crazy, no.
- What are you doing?
- Head shot. - His heads not up there, mate.
He's not ten foot tall. - You sure?
- Honestly.
See.
- Wait, I'll cut in on our next shipment full of steroids.
Worth a fortune. - So where is the head then?
- Surprise, bitches.
(gunshot)
- 'Bout there.
♪ Don't you want me, baby? ♪
♪ Don't you want me, Oh ♪
- Oh, oh, oh. Found it.
- Oh my god. Stonely High class of 89 reunion.
- Woo hoo.
Oh, my gosh.
- I am so excited that you've actually allowed
us to go to one of these things.
- You know what? I'm actually looking forward to it, you know
we've got the jobs rolling in. - Yeah we've got some proper dosh at last.
Exactly. Thank you very much.
God, who would've thought we'd be rocking up to our old
school in a Mercedes B Class. - Yes.
- We've come a long way from those two girls who left
that place with just an A level and three STDs between them.
- Oh, my God.
- Do you think Danny Kemp's gonna be there tonight?
He was so freaking hot. - Hot? Are you serious?
Wasn't he the guy that had a danger wank at the back of RE?
- What can I say? I've always liked a bad boy.
- Oh, here we are mate.
Let's give it the old salute.
(mimics guitar)
(upbeat 80's pop music)
- Oh.
(Heavy Metal Rock music)
- It's gonna be so nice
to just have one night where we can just have some fun
and not worry about getting our heads blown off.
- As Danny Kemp yelled at the black of RE, "Amen!"
(upbeat music)
One more time, what do we do for a living?
- Okay, we definitely don't kill people for a living.
We work in security. - Exactly.
- It's fake but cool.
And just a slight hint of danger.
- And in our downtime we breed and train pedigree dogs.
- What? I didn't sign off on that bit.
- Oh, yes. I still hold the record
for the school shot put. - It's all flooding back.
The bunking off, the cheeky (fakes smoking).
That time you got so nervous that you
pissed yourself on stage during Oliver.
(crowd laughing)
Why would you bring that up? I still have nightmares about that
- Still too soon? - Yes.
- Okay, got it.
- You don't think anyone else is going to remember that, do you?
- Of course they won't. We're not twelve anymore, are we?
- Yeah, they'll have moved on.
- Hey, hey, hey, Oliver Piss!
- And I'm out of here.
- That is one drunk, come on.
It's our night off, let's have some fun, yeah?
- Absolutely, just don't leave me on my own.
- Of course not mate.
- Come on, come on.
(dramatic music)
(intense music)
- Oh (glass hitting the ground)
(intense music)
- It's so weird. Everyone's back in their old cliques.
I know, you've got goths, the nerds, the footy lads.
- Meanies.
Why aren't we in a clique? - What are you talking about?
We were the funky fresh crew. You, me,
and occasionally a foreign language student.
- Oh, it's our song. Clear a space.
(upbeat music) (Song: David Bowie, Let's Dance)
♪ Let's dance. Put on your red shoes and dance the blues ♪
(music fades)
- Fran, you looking exactly the same.
- When you find an iconic look, you tend to stick with it,
you know Steve Jobs, Karl Lagerfeld, Kim Jong-un.
- Oh, Danny Kemp (cat purrs)
- You're literally (mimics cat purr) over a child mate.
He was held back three years, it's actually fine.
- Who's she?
- Now I think she left quite soon after you arrived.
- Yes. - We were quite good mates
before that, though. - Wasn't she incredibly shy?
- Yeah. - She didn't say anything at all
I remember it, she was a bit creepy, to be honest.
What was her name? - Kat Gateskill
- Kat!
- It's so good to see you, Jamie.
- You look amazing.
Where did you get that outfit?
Because I want it now.
Hey, Fran.
So what are you both up to?
Still doing everything together?
The Inseparable duo.
- We do work together, actually.
- Oh, nice. - For a security company.
- Okay.
- Events, crowd control, that sort of stuff.
It's a little bit more complicated than that, Jamie.
It's surveillance. As such,
it's gathering, close protection. That sort of stuff.
I won't bore you with details, but it's high end stuff.
How about you? - So sorry to interrupt,
but would you mind signing a copy of your book for me?
- Thanks to you, I am becoming who I always wanted to be.
Turns out it's divorced and living in a relationship
with my former therapist.
- That's great. Thank you.
Oh, so embarrassing.
I run a little business.
A few bestselling self help books, speaking tools across
the world of minor luxury products.
I guess it's more of a brand than a business.
- That's incredible.
- I've never heard of your stuff.
Probably because it's targeted more towards people who need help.
And I'm in a really good space right now.
(Kat laughs)
- At least you've still got that sharp sense of humour, Fran.
Oh, I better go check on the buffet.
I'm head of the organising committee.
Control free alert. - [robot voice] Control freak detected.
- I'll catch you later.
What does she mean,
at least I've still got that sense of humour?
(upbeat music)
(water splash)
- Who are you and what you're doing here?
- I don't know what you mean. I'm here for the reunion.
We were in school together.
(water splashing)
- Listen mate. I've been doing this job
long enough to know exactly what it means when some dodgy
little weirdo approaches us with his hand in his jacket.
Please, I don't know what you're talking about.
Sure you don't I guess you were innocently reaching for
- Business cards.
I'm in office supplies now. It's me,
it's Robin Sharma.
- Robin, we are so sorry.
- Honestly, don't worry about it.
It's just when you're in private security. It can get a little bit edgy.
Itchy trigger fingers.
Oh, literally. Obviously.
- Oh, gosh, that sounds exciting.
I mean, it's not every day you get waterboarded when you sell
toner cartridges for a living.
- It's mad, isn't it. You see, it's been so long.
I didn't recognise you at all.
Probably the glasses. Went a bit crazy
and treated myself to some laser surgery.
My 50th, it was either that or installing a smart meter.
But I thought no better to have something to really
look forward to for your 60th.
- Well, you are looking good, my friend.
- Robin Sharma.
Robin Sharma.
I used to sit next to you in geography.
- Pretty sure it was chemistry.
- Oh, my bad with Mr. Dunham.
- Mr. Dunham was history.
Chemistry was Ms. Bole.
Ms. Bole.
I always thought it was Ms. Bole.
- Right! Ms. Bole.
She was always very insistent on that.
- She was, yes she was.
Robin Sharma.
It's amazing what you remember from way back.
- Oh, don't get me started.
If these walls could talk.
We have some fun, didn't we?
Tell you what, I found some cannabis in my stepson's
bedroom and Fran,
I seem to remember you were partial to wacky
Becky, want to go outside for a cheeky puffer-roni?
Come on, schools out.
- We better go mingle. - Yeah, of course.
No worries. Catch you in a bit.
- See you in there mate.
(dramatic music)
- Man, I have not thought about Robin Sharma in years.
Office supplies? It's crazy what some people end up doing, isn't it?
- Yeah, it's bonkers, isn't it?
(upbeat music)
- Oh, it's Danny Kemp.
- Oh, shit. - I know, and
he's still got it.
Check it
- You're all good. - Wish me luck.
- Listen, I need a signal if you're going back to the van.
Do you want to put a sock on the exhaust or something?
The signal will be the van bouncing up and down mate.
(upbeat music)
- So you still got that little convertible, I seem to
remember the back seat being very comfortable.
- Of course I do.
Let me tell you when the roof goes down,
it goes all the way down.
(laughter)
- Listen, it's the first night
I've been able to get away from my kids in six months, fuck off.
(upbeat music)
- Oliver Piss. - Look at that, it's Oliver Piss
- Oliver Piss. - Oliver Piss.
- I can't believe I got stuck with Nick Stevens.
It's like I get it.
Your son's got M.E.
What am I supposed to do about it?
- Yeah.
Oh my God. Did you see Oliver Piss?
- Yes. Please sir, can I piss some more?
(laughter)
- You got a piss a pocket or two.
- I wonder what she does now.
- Who cares?
- If that was all I was remembered for,
I would've been way too embarrassed to show my face.
- Yeah, does she even know how tragic she looks?
- Babe, you've got coke-tache.
- Oh.
(giggling)
♪ Kung Fu lovin, is gonna tear us apart ♪
♪ to a roundhouse kick to my heart ♪
(upbeat music)
(music fades)
(laughter)
(intense dramatic music)
- It was Ms. Bole.
♪ Girls love girls, girls love girls ♪
- Jamie, what are you doing all of your own?
I thought you and Fran were joined at the hip.
- There was someone I wanted to dance with,
but it seems like he's already taken.
- It's year nine disco all over again.
Tina Bartrom was always a slut.
I know if I've learned that a thing, Jane.
It so you don't get anywhere by sitting back.
If someone's got something you
want, you need to take control of the situation.
Actually, I've got an idea.
(upbeat music)
(Oliver Twist: Consider Yourself plays in the distance)
♪ Consider yourself, one of us ♪
(dramatic music)
(laughter)
- Hey Robin, what are you doing here?
- I saw you were a bit upset.
Just checking you're okay. - Oh no, I'm fine.
Taking a breather.
You know, just hanging out with the old crew.
Too much fun if I'm honest.
Familiar faces and happy memories,
having an amazing time.
- Alright, well, I'll leave you to it.
- No. Come on, sit down.
(slow music plays in the distance)
Come on then, tell old Robin Sharma what's up?
(slow music plays)
- Sorry, do you mind if I butt in?
Seriously, what is your problem?
- Tina, your husband's on the phone in the school office.
He said he couldn't get through on your mobile.
It sounds quite urgent. - One night. That's all I ask for.
I don't know if you remember me. - It's Jamie, isn't it?
Of course, I remember you.
You're always so bubbly
and if I remember correctly, very naughty.
(slow music plays)
- So why do I listen to these idiots?
You know I am who I am and if
they don't like it, they can just shove it up their ass.
- Exactly.
I mean, at the end of the day we just have to be ourselves.
No point in pretending to be someone we're not.
- Thanks Robin.
(dramatic music)
- What's the matter? Piss yourself again?
- Yeah, nice one.
- There it is.
Nickname hanging around my neck like
a sack of shit for the last 30 years.
- God, yeah, the nickname.
Who cares about that now? - Everyone apparently.
I mean, you're the only one
that hasn't brought it up. Haven't mentioned it once.
- I remember how upset you used to get about.
I mean, you wet yourself
in a school production of Cats and suddenly you're
Mr. Pisstofolies for life.
- Mr. Pisstofolies. Kids can be so cruel.
- Listen, if you're still offering
I could really handle that spliff.
- Definitely, it's in my car. Parked out front.
Okay.
(slow music)
- Thanks for listening to all that.
- Anytime.
- We should hang out again.
- Yeah, give me ya number and I'll drop you a line.
- Yeah, well, you can just look
me up on Facebook under Oliver Piss.
(intense music)
- No, no.
- Hey,
you got any coke?
- Ah, ah. Ah.
(upbeat music)
- Fran, where ya been? - You need to come with me right now, Jamie.
- Oh, one too many was it? I've got some gum. Keep you from vomming.
- Great, excuse us Kat. - Fran, stealing you away?
It's like school again.
- Yeah. - Bye.
- What's up? - Sharma is trying to kill us.
- Sharma?
- Not Sharma, someone pretending to be Sharma.
- Then who's that then?
- Some kind of weird, footy, dumb, pirate meat head.
- I guess he wasn't lying when he said he knew people.
(upbeat music)
(dramatic music)
- Any last words,
Robin Sharma?
(small fire igniting)
What is this, fucking Looney Tunes?
(head bashing)
Still got it.
(grunting)
- Well,
my peers might not respect me but at least my brains aren't
splattered over an assortment of netball
bibs and shuttlecocks. Swings and roundabouts.
- Thanks for your help mate.
- Ah, come on. What are friends for?
I stove somebody's head in with a shot put this week.
Next week, you'll be dropped kicking some Nutter
down a lift shaft. We are a team.
- Indeed, the old clique of two. Never,
never mess with the funky fresh crew.
Just you and me now.
- Hey, guys.
Fran, are you sure you're okay to drive?
Or did you manage to get most of it out?
- Yeah, I wasn't actually drunk. - Oh right?
Okay, so that's just your normal pallor then?
- Well, I mean, some of us like to keep it natural.
- Jamie, I wanted you to have a copy of my book.
Danny Kemp could be just a start of you becoming.
And I meant what I said about
you crashing at mine for a bit.
Honestly, I'd be delighted to have you. My card is in the book.
- Thanks, Kat.
I'll be in touch.
Oh.
- Sorry, you're moving in with Kat Gateskill?
- When I told her about
my living sitch and she's offered me a room when I look
for a new place, it's really kind of her, right?
Wow.
Look how cool Kat's business card is.
I'll tell you what, I'm going to have some made up.
- Oh no, I think that's a really good idea.
Yeah. Like your name,
phone number, and "I kill people for a living".
- The number's fake,
and when you phone it, you get the talking clock.
- God, you're a genius.
(upbeat music)
So you finally got with Danny Kemp then?
- Yep, 13 years I've been waiting for that. Tongue right in the ear.
- Small victories every day?
♪ There's a loving in your eyes all the way ♪
♪ If I listen to your lies would you say ♪
♪ I'm a man without conviction ♪
♪ I'm a man who doesn't know ♪
♪ How to sell a contradiction ♪
♪ You come and go ♪
♪ Karma karma karma karma Karma chameleon ♪