(water trickling) (ominous music)
(dramatic whooshing)
(light dramatic music)
(Fran groans) (metal clanging)
- Hello?
(light dramatic music) Jamie!
Jamie, I'm down here!
Jamie, get away from her, she's a fucking psycho!
Jamie!
(suspenseful music)
(gun bangs) (gun clicks)
(light music)
- How is it?
- Delicious.
Thanks, mate.
- Mate?
We're not plumbers, Jamie.
- Right, yeah.
Sorry.
- Thinking about she-who-must-not-be-named again?
- No, no, no.
Well, a bit.
I haven't heard from her.
- We've been through this, Jamie.
You need to forget about Fran and move on.
I know it's tough but she certainly has.
Off to Japan without so much as a peep
to her so-called best friend.
But you've got me now, and I'm not going anywhere.
Hope you've left some from for the kedgeree.
(both chuckling)
(water trickling) (birds chirping)
(Fran grunts) (phone beeps)
Oh, Franny.
You're awake.
I'm so glad.
- What the hell is going on, Kat?
What the fuck do you want?
- Oh, sounds like somebody's hungry.
Seeing as you won't be going to Japan anymore,
I thought I might bring a bit of Japan to you.
(plate clattering)
You might regret that when you see what
you'll be eating from now on.
(Kat sighs)
Well (giggles).
- Jamie, help!
I'm down here!
- Jamie, please help!
Oh no, this place is totally soundproofed.
I could skin you alive and Jamie wouldn't hear a squeak.
- If this is a weird sex thing,
I need you to know I'm actually pretty vanilla, you know?
I'm a glass of pinot and three minutes of disappointment
kind of a girl.
If you want more than that you're gonna have
to just kill me now.
- Don't be silly, Fran.
If I killed you you wouldn't be able to watch.
- Watch what? (ominous music)
- Jamie, of course.
Oh, lovely Jamie happily going about her life with me.
Her new best friend.
Now it's your turn to be cast aside helpless
while she forgets you even exist.
You're gonna spend the rest of your miserable life
learning just how crazy that can make you feel.
(suspenseful music)
(dramatic music)
- You did all of this because Jamie
became my friend at school?
Have you ever thought about therapy or,
I don't know, taking up a flute or something?
- I don't know.
Knock down some flats, offer Jamie a place to live,
drive a wedge between you two.
It was almost disappointingly easy, to be honest.
- But you've not been very thorough, have you?
Because news flash, nut bag, your new best friend
is a contract killer.
And so am I.
- Well your boss is going to come looking
for you, isn't he?
- Yeah.
- But do you think if I could talk to Mr. V, maybe it might-
- No, he's not gonna be very interested in t...
(light dramatic music)
How did you know his name was Mr. V?
- His name? (light dramatic music)
- You know that new client who keeps giving us
these amazing jobs?
(gun bangs) (woman groans)
- Mr. V?
(suspenseful music)
- Holy shit.
- That look on your face, Fran.
Do you mind if I smoke?
But it's not easy tracking down trained killers,
it took me years, but then I...
Then I engineered a perfect excuse to bump into you.
- Class of '89 reunion!
- I'm head of the organising committee.
Control freak alert.
- And set myself up as Mr. V.
pulling contracts off the dark web.
It really is amazing what you find on there,
and then giving them to my two new clients.
There was something so fucking delicious
about knowing where you were, who you were with,
who you were killing.
Pulling all the strings between you.
- And there is a little sofa emoji
hurdling its way down the M6.
- And without Mr. V how could I execute my master stroke?
- We've got sent another job.
- The Japan job.
- I'm embarrassed to show you the salary, but...
- What better way to pander to your pathetic ego?
Pull your friendship apart.
- I think you should go, Fran.
- Make Jamie believe that you'd fallen off the map forever.
Maybe it would've been easier to take up the flute,
but why play an instrument when you can play the orchestra?
(ominous music)
- Fucking psycho.
You fuck, fucking psycho, you psycho bitch!
Get away, bitch!
- Temper temper.
Oh, I nearly forgot.
I thought you might need something
to help you through this difficult time.
- [Kat Recording] Hello and welcome to "It's All About You"
with me, Kat Gateskill.
Chapter one, destiny is
a three letter word. - I only smoke after sex.
- [Kat Recording] Y-O-U.
Are you ready to live a new life
for the- - You just got fucked.
- [Kat Recording] Are you ready to live a life
filled with adventure and new horizons?
Are you ready to break free and start really enjoying life?
(birds chirping)
(phone dings)
(light dramatic music)
(phone dings)
I've never been to Fiji, but I'd like to go there one day.
They say that no man is an island.
That's true, I'm not an island,
I'm a continent and so are you.
I sincerely hope that completing this
12 hour introduction course - Yes, yes.
- [Kat Recording] Is just a first step
on an exciting new journey.
- Well you've locked me in a basement, so I doubt it!
- [Kat Recording] But for now, have a good afternoon.
(Fran gasps)
And remember, you deserve it.
- Oh, thank god.
- Hello and welcome to- - No, no shut up!
Shut up, shut up!
Right, what have I got? - Are you ready to live
a life filled with adventure. - Great, dog food.
- And new horizons. - Oh god, not even Iams,
the stingy cow.
Right, this is 40% beef, meaty chunks,
guaranteed glossy coats.
Now I'm in.
(Fran grunts)
I mean, how bad can it be?
- [Kat Recording] And the potential of you
for the beginning of living openly and courageously
in your own personal universe.
- Right, you're not responding to my messages,
but you will not be able to resist singing along to
our karaoke song.
I'll be Danny and the boys, obvs.
(Jamie sings)
♪ Summer lovin', had me a blast ♪
♪ Lo-lovin' happened so fast ♪
♪ I met a girl crazy for me ♪
♪ Met a boy cute as can be ♪
♪ Summer days drifting away ♪
♪ To uh, oh those summer nights ♪
♪ Oh well, oh well, oh well oh ♪
- [Kat Recording] The only person stopping you
from going out there and getting everything you want,
everything you deserve.
All it takes for you to break free-
- Yes, yes! - Is the believe that
you can break free. - Come on!
- [Kat Recording] Repeat after me.
I have trapped myself, I have trapped myself,
I have trapped myself.
(Fran groans) I can free myself.
Come on, say it with me.
I can free myself, I can free myself.
Do you ever get that feeling like you're trapped?
(metal clanging)
In your own- (Fran groans)
Well, me too.
Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in my own success.
♪ Those summer nights ♪
- Okay, I was a little bit off on that key change,
so you will have to adjust your line accordingly.
But, seriously mate, though,
will you let me know that you're okay?
I miss you.
(phone beeps)
(ominous music)
- [Kat Recording] I believe it was the late
great Walt Disney who once said "If you can dream it,
you can do it." - That's my phone.
Yes, Jamie, go in, go in, go in, get it, get it!
(suspenseful music)
(door rattling)
Jamie, Jamie, behind you!
(handle rattling)
- Jamie? (Jamie gasps)
- Oh, Kat, you scared me.
Why have you got a gun?
- Two women on their own out in the countryside,
a big house like this.
Can't be too careful.
- Yeah, I'm sorry, I couldn't sleep.
I was just thinking about checking the windows
were shut because I didn't want your office
to fill with bats.
- Oh. (light dramatic music)
- Night.
(dramatic music) (gun clicks)
(water trickling) (birds chirping)
- [Kat Recording] You're exploring the world.
You're climbing every mountain and swimming every sea.
(light dramatic music) (bag rustling)
Get that feeling like you're trapped.
- Right, what's for dessert?
Mutton, beef, baked beans?
- [Kat Recording] I can relate.
Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in my own success.
- You utter bitch! - Anger is not your friend.
- Bitch! (light dramatic music)
- Oh, morning.
Get back to sleep okay?
(Kat sighs)
Going somewhere?
- Sorry, Kat, I need to go and check that Fran's okay.
- Oh, Jamie, how many times?
She's on the other side of the world.
- Yeah, I think there's something seriously wrong.
- Fran doesn't want you to contact her ever again.
She was very explicit about that.
- I don't remember telling you that.
- No, I just mean her soft launch, the way she behaved.
She was basically saying "Fuck you".
- Kat, listen, I just feel that something's not right.
And I know Fran messed up, but whatever happens
she'll always be my best friend.
And if I think she
might be in trouble. - Fran, Fran, Fran, Fran.
Why do I have to keep hearing about fucking Fran?
She's gone, you idiot!
(glass shattering) - Oh my god, Kat.
- [Kat] Oh.
- Kat, you're bleeding.
- Oh, Jamie, I'm sorry, you're right.
If you're worried about your friend,
you should go and check on her.
- Thanks, Kat.
- Maybe I could make you something yummy before you go.
Don't want to send you off with an empty stomach.
(light dramatic music) - Okay, a quick snack
and then I've gotta go.
- Okay.
Well, you set the table and I'll throw something together.
(light dramatic music continues)
(silverware clanging)
- [Kat Recording] There's only the absence of success.
(light dramatic music continues)
And you can try this exercise anywhere; in bed,
at a picnic with friends.
Just take a deep breath
and say I am in control. - The fuck is that?
(suspenseful music) Oh, my God.
Jamie, don't eat anything she gives you.
Jamie, Jamie! - Everything else
is welcome to be forgiven.
(suspenseful music)
- Oh come on, think. - Climbing every mountain
and swimming every sea. - Think, think, think.
(Fran sighs) - The best part?
You're only just getting started.
Let me ask you a question.
Can someone else suffer for you?
Can someone else feel pleasure for you?
How about, can someone achieve your goals for you?
- Hope you're hungry!
- Oh.
(Jamie inhales)
Smells great.
- Jamie, you've forgotten my spoon.
Honestly, if your head wasn't screwed on.
- [Kat Recording] That's the day you start living
your life for you.
- [Fran] Here we go, yes!
- Ah. (Jamie hums)
(Kat slurps)
(Jamie hums)
- [Kat Recording] I want you to promise me
that you'll never say the words
"It was somebody else's fault" ever again.
If you're not happy with your situation,
it's nobody's fault but- (alarm beeping)
- [Jamie] What's that?
- Oh, don't worry, I think I know what's happened.
You wait here.
(light dramatic music) (keys jingling)
Where are you, Fran?
(light dramatic music continues)
(phone beeps)
- Oh my...
- [Kat Recording] I sincerely hope that completing
this 12 hour introductory course is just
the first step on an exciting- - Oh fuck, fuck.
- [Kat Recording] But for now, it's goodbye from me.
Kat Gateskill.
With love, hugs, and bucket loads of positivity.
You deserve it. - Okay, you wanna play,
I'll fucking play. (suspenseful music)
Jamie?
Jamie!
Oh, there you are.
We have to go now, I think there might be an intruder.
- What are you doing with this?
- Have you been going through my office?
I can't believe you'd abuse my trust.
- What have you done with Fran
and what are you doing with that shotgun?
- I'll explain that later, but now we have to go.
Why can't you just do what you're fucking told for once?
(women grunting)
You were my best friend first.
She was just a new girl.
(Kat grunts)
(suspenseful music)
(spray hisses) (Kat shrieks)
- [Kat Recording] Are you ready to break free
and start really enjoying life?
Here's a secret: you- (dramatic music)
- [Kat] Jamie!
(gun bangs) - Shit.
- [Kat Recording] I want to open your mind,
just like you've opened this book.
For an account on my website,
look at the other side of this book.
(suspenseful music continues)
- Shit.
(birds chirping) (suspenseful music)
- Jamie.
I just want to talk.
(Fran grunts) (ground rustling)
(light dramatic music)
Jamie.
I know we can work this out,
I just want what's best for you.
- Jamie.
Jamie.
- [Kat] Jamie.
Come on. (light dramatic music)
(Jamie groans)
Jamie?
(both giggling)
(Fran hushes) - You're here!
- Yes, I am.
I've been here the whole time.
- What? In the maze?
- No.
No, she locked me in the basement after the soft launch.
- Oh, Fran, I'm so sorry.
You were totally right.
- Yeah. - She's insane.
She's trying to kill me.
- Listen, she had the house hooked up with cameras
and I saw everything.
- Were you watching me on the toilet?
- Why would your mind go there first?
- Okay, but were you though?
- No.
Really good to see you.
- [Jamie] Oh, you too, mate.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- [Fran] Let's get outta here.
(gun bangs) (dramatic music)
- Well isn't this perfect?
Fran getting between me and Jamie yet again.
- You've only got one shot left.
- Don't worry, this thing can rip through a car door.
One shot's enough for the pair of you.
Why couldn't you just be my friend, Jamie?
That's all I wanted.
I became a multimillionaire, I put you up in a palace,
I got my teeth fixed.
And still, you're choosing her over me.
- That's not exactly how friendship works though, is it?
- People fucking died so we could be together.
- Wait, what?
- Oh, I'll tell you later.
- Wait, Kat.
We can still be friends, we can all three be friends.
I mean, three is a great number for friendship.
The Three Amigos.
Harry, Hermione, Ron, the Sugarbabes.
I know there were a lot of lineups,
but at base always just the three.
- Wow.
You really mean that, Jamie?
The three of us?
- Definitely.
- Sorry, Jamie, but three's a crowd.
(light dramatic music)
(Kat groans)
- She poisoned the food, I knew it.
- No, she poisoned your food.
I saw her do it.
- I switched the bowls. (suspenseful music)
(Kat gasps)
- I'm sorry.
- [Fran] A bit late for that.
- I know she's trying to kill us,
but is it weird that I actually feel kind of bad for her?
I mean, her last words were "I'm sorry".
- I'm sorry I didn't kill you both.
(gun bangs) - Jesus!
(Kat groans)
- (sighs) Still feeling sorry for her?
- Not at all, no.
- No, shall we?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Come on. - Come on.
- Let's go.
- [Jamie] So, just to recap...
- [Fran] How many more times?
I did not see you take a dump.
- [Jamie] Oh god, oh.
Hang on, it's this way. - No, no, no, it's not.
This is way.
I'm sure. - Oh no, come this way.
- Oh, okay. - No, trust me, trust me.
- [Jamie] Okay.
No, it's just it would kinda change the dynamic of things.
- [Fran] What, the dynamic of who's seen who do a poo?
- [Jamie] Yeah, I mean basically to even things up
I'd have to then view you doing a poo.
- [Fran] Well if we don't get out of here soon
that's gonna become a reality.
- Oh, that's it. - Okay, this is the exit.
Oh. - Oh, for God's sake.
♪ Summer lovin' had me a blast ♪
♪ Summer lovin' happened so fast ♪
♪ I met a girl crazy for me ♪
♪ Met a boy cute as can be ♪
♪ Summer days drifting away ♪
♪ To uh, oh those summer nights ♪
♪ Oh well, oh well, oh well oh, uh ♪
♪ Tell me more, tell me more ♪
♪ Did you get very far ♪
♪ Tell me more, tell me more ♪
♪ But does he have a car? ♪