(dramatic banging) (light music)
- Jamie?
Konnichiwa, where is the canal?
(app speaking Japanese)
(Fran speaking Japanese)
Come on. ♪ My regret ♪
- Are you done braiding each other's hair or whatever?
We've got a job to do, come on.
(horn honking) ♪ It makes me ♪
- Ah, what else?
Um, a tarpaulin, some rope and a meat saw, please.
(app speaking Japanese)
This is ridiculous.
(door banging)
(gravel crunching)
♪ Happened on the safe side ♪ (Fran knocking)
- Franny.
- Jamie ready?
(Kat groans)
(Jamie panting) - Ooh. (laughs)
- Sorry, I overslept.
A bit of a bender last night.
Kat had a speaking engagement, so.
- And I wanted to say thank you to my bestie
for helping me, so we had a few drinky-poos.
- Yes, I can smell all of them.
- Yeah, it did get a bit Keith Richards.
- Don't look at me.
I wasn't the one who gate crashed a hen party.
- Gosh, that's strong for a school night.
(Kat laughs) - I mean, they needed me.
The maid of honour was doing her best, but-
- Yeah, she was no Captain Party.
Go on, do the voice.
- Ah-har, me party hearties.
(both laughing) (Fran fake-laughing)
- Oh, mm.
- Ah, looks like we weren't the only one
who had a big night last night, Franny.
- Didn't leave the house, Katty.
- Seriously? Wow.
So empowered to just not give a shit what you look like.
Love that.
- Did these scarves come as a sort of bargain 2 for 1?
- No, this is just another little thank you from me.
- This is 100% silk, designer scarf, Fran.
- Mm.
Can you still call it a scarf if it's so thin
it doesn't actually keep you warm?
I was just wondering.
- Franny, would you mind taking a quick snap
of the survivors for us?
- Oh yes. - Ooh.
- Come on, ready? One, two-
(camera snaps) There you go.
- Thank you.
- We should probably go. We're a bit late.
Very important security training course, you know.
That's proper work, proper, no drinky-poos there.
- Me too.
I have got a meeting with my publisher about my new book.
Um, everyone's still buying the shit out of the old one.
Chill out. (Fran chuckles)
So this will be the longest we've been away
from each other in weeks.
Do you really have to go away for the whole weekend?
- I'm afraid it's just how long the course lasts.
- I'll miss you.
- I'll miss you, too.
- All right, I'm gonna go, and I'll be in the van.
- You'll talk to her, yeah, about what we discussed.
- Yeah, I'll try mighty good.
- Best you do it sooner rather than later.
- Yeah, yeah. - Okay?
Unless you've changed your mind, Jamie.
You can be honest with me.
If this isn't what you want...
- No, no, no. No, no.
No, it definitely is.
I'll tell her today, I promise.
- You have so much courage inside of you
and we're just starting to unlock it together.
- Oh, Fran, why'd you have to park all the way over there?
- [Fran] All right, straight to A&E
or should we do the job first?
- Jamie!
Ah-har.
- Ah-har.
Oh, dear.
- [Fran] Right, milking it now.
- Oh, my head. (door bangs)
(eerie music)
Sorry about the hangy, mate.
I know it's unprofessional.
- No, it's absolutely fine, mate.
- Really? I thought you'd be cross.
- What, me?
I'm super chill, well, you know.
It's an easy job today, anyway.
We'll just have fun, hanging out,
mates being mates and all that,
just a couple of A-grade assassins literally slaying.
(Jamie sighs)
Oh, that's an 80% proof sigh, that one.
You sure you're okay to do this hit?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm a professional.
So who are we slaying today?
- Oh, it's easy, this one.
Big crime boss, organ harvester.
- Ugh.
- Can you imagine removing somebody's eyeballs?
I mean, what would you do?
Would you take them out with spoon? (popping)
Or would you go for a sort of sucking technique (slurping)?
Big straw? - No, Fran, no.
- Oh, what about guts?
Slippery, like a wet rope-
- Okay. - That goes on forever.
- Okay, you can stop now. - Liver.
That's not nice, a couple of kidneys,
pop them out, your giblets.
Do humans have giblets?
(door banging) (Jamie vomits)
(chuckles) Excellent.
Right over the freshly raked gravel.
(eerie music)
(photo rustling)
(door banging) (Kat sighs)
(eerie music)
(bird cawing) (gunshot thwacking)
(eerie music) (typewriter clacking)
(Jamie vomiting)
Ready whenever you are, Captain.
(Jamie vomiting)
You see, this is why I don't go to hen parties.
Or parties. Or out, ever.
I'm a teetotal killing machine,
like the Terminator or Saudi Arabia.
- (sigh) I think I got it all up now.
- Well, listen, give me a hand with Methven,
we'll take you to a nice, warm travel lodge,
get a nice watery Masala down you,
some hair of the dog.
- (vomits) Nothing to get out.
- (chuckles) Do you know what?
I'm really glad that you and Kat had a chance
to just, you know, hang out before we leave for Japan.
- Ooh, yeah, definitely.
- Oh, talking of which, Mr. V's got the flight itineraries
all sorted, so you need to sort that visa out.
- Yeah, yeah, no, I will, definitely.
- Good.
Good. All right.
Come on, give me a hand.
Okay.
I don't wanna stay in here too long.
I'd lose a kidney.
- That'd be awful.
- Oh, she's back in the room. (chuckles)
Do you know what?
We could never be organ harvesters.
- Why? - It takes guts.
- Oh! She's good.
I would applaud, obviously,
but I'm handling a dead body.
- Yeah.
- Now, where we gonna hide him?
- Good question.
I've no idea.
(eerie music)
Oh, yeah.
(eerie music)
- [Jamie] Yeah, they've got nice coffins, actually.
It's a bit of a waste that they go in the ground, isn't it?
(upbeat music)
♪ I got a feeling and the feeling is all right ♪
♪ It's a funny thing ♪
♪ When it comes to you ♪
(music continues, muffled)
(Jamie laughs)
- Call the lawyers.
Got sent pictures from last night.
Oh, dear.
Oh my God, I don't remember the stripper joining us
for karaoke. (laughs)
Okay, mate, we were doing shots off the stripper's abs.
- (laughs) Yeah.
I'm just driving.
- No, look, this is the best photo, look.
Straws shaped like willies.
Mad, right?
- Do you get any work done,
or is it just cock straws and carnage?
- Yeah, we did work, but it didn't feel like work,
'cause it was just so much fun.
It was really cool to meet some new people
and then not have to kill them.
(dramatic music)
- Hang on.
Holy shit, that's a hearse.
- Wait, is that Methven and son following us?
- Well, Methven's dead, mate.
- So that's and son.
God, he's gonna come get our kidneys.
- Yeah, just calm down.
It's probably just a coincidence.
It's just another undertaker.
- Well, okay, let's just slow down a bit
and see if they overtake.
- I don't think this undertaker is gonna overtake.
He is following us.
(engine rumbling)
♪ We live in a windswept hell ♪
♪ Where dust and death are neighbours ♪
♪ We hide in a perfect storm ♪
♪ Not even God remembers ♪ - What's he doing?
(engine revving)
(engine continues revving)
(engine rumbling)
(engine revving)
(upbeat music)
Drive. Drive.
Drive, Fran, Drive. (tires squealing)
Go, go, go. - Yeah, I'm going,
going, going!
He's right behind us.
That is not a respectable speed for a hearse.
No, that is too close.
- He looks kinda upset,
almost like we killed his dad or something.
(upbeat music) Oh God.
(engine revving)
- I'm skipping from 3rd to 5th gears.
♪ I don't care, care, care if it's old ♪
♪ I don't mind, I don't mind, I don't mind ♪
♪ I don't mind, mind ♪ - Bloody hell.
(tires squealing)
♪ Get away, get away, get away ♪
- Shit!
Fork, fork! - Fork acknowledged.
Fork acknowledged.
Evasive right. (tires squealing)
♪ She said ♪ - Ooh, nice turn.
- Yes, off you piss and son.
Off you piss.
- [Jamie] Do you think we lost him?
- [Fran] Looks like it.
- Wow, that adrenaline's really cut through my hangover.
- Do you know what I feel like right now?
Pork jalfrezi.
- Okay, definitely hasn't.
Oh my God, look.
- God, it's him, it's him.
- Go down there, left, left, left.
- Thank you, left hand maneuver.
- No, don't worry. I don't think he saw us.
Okay, he's gone, he's gone.
Dead end.
- [Fran] Yep, dead end acknowledged.
- [Jamie] Yeah, go in here, go in here.
Okay, yeah, that's great.
(gravel crunching)
(tense music)
- Hang on, hang on, he's here.
(tense music)
(engine rumbling)
- Okay, go, go, go, go, go.
- Where?
- Oh, shit, I'm the driver.
(engine revving)
Pop it in reverse. Reversing.
(engine rumbling)
(tire popping)
Bollocks.
(gravel crunching) (door banging)
Ugh. - Let's get the spare.
- Okay. - Oh.
(tense music)
- All right, mate.
- Okay. (tense music)
(gunshots popping)
Nick it, Jamie.
(tires squealing) Get out!
(dramatic banging) (gun cocking)
(birds chirping)
- Should we be going back to the van?
What if he's still there?
- Well, have you got a better idea?
We're in the middle of nowhere.
Oh, balls, this is dead.
Can I borrow yours?
- No, just, I've gotta reply to this before it dies.
- Jamie.
Jamie.
- Yeah, just sending it.
- Jamie. - Yeah.
(gun cocking)
(birds chirping)
(gravel crunching)
Wait. He's still there.
(tense music)
Oh, shit.
Right, okay.
(tense music)
(birds chirping)
- Where is he?
- I don't know.
Obviously, he's left his keys, so he can't be far.
He's obviously looking for us.
(birds chirping)
Get in. - What?
- Get in the hearse, quick.
(upbeat music)
(engine revving)
(upbeat music)
(light rock music)
- You're so good at this, Fran.
I mean, you're really made for this job.
- Yeah, thanks, mate.
I think we make a good team.
- Mm.
- Can you just not?
I'm gonna confiscate that, all right?
What could be so important that she needs
to be in contact with you every second of the day?
- Well, actually, it is quite important
because Kat's offered me a job.
- Doing what?
- Well, she wants me to be her right hand woman.
- Right hand woman?
I mean, that's not a job title, is it?
That's not something you can put on a CV.
I mean, right hand woman.
It's not really a thing, is it, Jamie?
- Well, it is a thing, and I'm going to take it,
and I'm sorry you feel that way.
- What way?
I'm not sure about the logistics
of this thing, to be honest.
I mean, how is being Kat's right hand woman
gonna fit with everything we've got on?
I mean, we've got Japan and I mean,
you've got a lot of commitments.
- Well, Kat wants me to start straightaway, so.
- I don't think you've thought this through.
I mean, unless it's something you can do remotely,
but the time difference, it's-
- No, Fran, the job with Kat would be
instead of going to Japan with you.
(tires squealing) - Whoa, hold on.
What?
- I'm not coming to Japan.
And I'm sorry you feel that way.
- Will you stop saying, "And I'm sorry you feel that way"?
It's not even a real apology, apart from everything else.
- You don't really need me anyway.
I'm sure Mr. V would just find a replacement.
- Just a temporary break, though, eh?
- Kat said I should follow my bliss.
- Follow your bliss? - Yes.
- You sound like a shit scatter cushion.
I'm sorry, Kat's pushed you into this.
I was gonna hold my tongue, keep my peace,
but no, she's brainwashing you.
She's a psycho and she's trying to steal you away from me.
- What are you talking about?
She's actually a really good friend.
- Something's going on.
I mean, why else would you let somebody
live in your place rent-free or make them packed lunches
with wee, little notes and sayings
and give you pocket money?
- It's not pocket money. It's expenses.
- No, you are her golden retriever.
Mm-hmm.
She's made you beholden to her so that you have to do
everything she wants.
Oh God, why else would you have got the job?
- Because she likes me, because I'm useful to her.
I know it's hard for you to conceive
that I might be able to do something
that you haven't instructed me to do.
- I haven't been instructing you, Jamie.
I've been helping you.
And to be honest, most of the time,
you're an active hindrance.
- Wow.
Kat said you'd react like that.
- Oh, Kat's poison.
She's just got in your ears.
Just when we finally got to do what you wanted to do.
- No, what you wanted to do.
Maybe I want something different.
(eerie music)
Maybe I want to not do the same job
that I've been doing for, well, ever.
Maybe I want to explore things.
Maybe I want to expand my horizons.
- We're going to the Land of the Rising Sun, Jamie.
How much more horizons do you want?
(liquid splashing) We were going up
in the world, we were literally going far.
Nailing assassinhood.
(Jamie and Fran yelling)
(sheep bleating) (muffled yelling)
(bird cawing)
(panting) Jamie.
- Is this heaven? - I think,
traditionally, heaven's a lot brighter
and less cramped than this, mate.
- [Jamie] Can I have my phone back,
or is it still confiscated? - It's in my back pocket.
Oh, for heaven's sake, no, that's my front bottom.
That's, yep, oh- - Oh, yep.
- [Fran] Just a bit pinchy. Hang on, just-
- Got it. Got it, got it.
Oh, 17 messages.
Well, I hope Kat doesn't think I'm ignoring her.
- Just forget Kat. Pass us the phone.
Yep, yeah, okay.
Yep, that's what I expected.
- I think we're in a coffin.
- We're in a coffin, yeah, yeah.
And I'm claustrophobic, so maybe it'll be
the panic attack for me, please.
- Let's just try and push that up, right, this-
(Fran yelling)
(shovel clanging) (phone beeping)
Oh, my phone's just died, too.
- [Fran] If you hadn't spent the whole time texting Kat,
trying to stab your best mate in the back,
then we wouldn't be about to perish.
- Wait, I've got an idea.
Yay.
- Ooh, great.
I can use the cock torch to check for cracks and gaps.
Mm-hmm, yes.
Yes, we are going to die.
- Okay, you're not gonna like it,
but I have just farted.
- [Fran] Oh, God, burning my nostrils.
- I'm really sorry, okay, that you feel so hurt about Japan.
It's just that Kat thinks I need to really fully realise my-
- I don't, I really don't wanna die talking about Kat,
thanks, or as it goes, holding a cock torch.
- Yeah, but I don't want us to go out on a barmy.
(both yell)
(both grunting)
I'm really sorry for being actively a hindrance.
- No, I'm sorry.
You're not actively a hindrance.
I just use criticism as a mean of just emotional expression.
I'm very repressed.
I love you.
- I love you too.
Should we kiss, then?
- What?
- I don't know, I've just we've never done before.
- Why do you have to make everything so weird?
(dirt thumping)
- [Jamie] Right, we've lost the cock torch.
- [Fran] Listen to me, I'm so sorry I wasn't there
for you when you had to live in a van.
- [Jamie] It was actually quite comfortable.
(electronic whirring)
What's he doing?
(engine rumbling) - What's going on?
- [Jamie] I don't know.
It sounds like he's leaving.
Let's push the lid again.
- [Both] One, two, three.
- What the...
- Where the hell is he?
- Let's not wait to find out.
(gravel crunching)
We need to move. - Yep.
(gravel crunching)
- Something's not right.
- Wait, is that?
(chuckling) Kat.
- Oh my God.
What the hell are you doing here?
- We got lost.
What are you doing here?
How did you find us?
- Find My Friends.
I freaked out when you stopped replying to my texts.
I was so worried.
Sorry, you must think I'm mad.
I know you said the training course would be intense,
but I just thought you might be in serious trouble or.
Why are you walking around in the middle of nowhere?
- Oh, just a really intensive hardcore
SAS type training course, yes.
You know, dump you in the middle of the wilderness
and find your way back to civilization,
that kind of thing.
- Hmm.
- Not really suitable for civilians.
- (chuckles) Well, I'm just glad you're okay.
(sighs) I was so worried.
Let's get you out of here.
- Oh.
- Careful.
My car's this way.
You looking for something?
- Oh, yeah, just our teammates.
This was the rendezvous point,
but I think we've beaten them to it.
You haven't seen a very long, black car, have you?
- I actually did see a car screech off when I got here.
Maybe that was them.
- Oh, they pranked us.
Didn't even wait.
Classic them. - Ah.
(Kat and Jamie laugh)
Ah.
(gravel crunching)
- What?
You don't find this My Find a Friend thing
a bit odd, do you?
- What do you mean?
- It's creepy.
She's tracking your every move.
- Mate, it's an app.
Privacy's dead, we've all seen Jeff Bezos' balls.
- I've not seen his balls.
Listen, um, congratulations on your new colleague.
Jamie told me the exciting news.
- Ah, thanks.
Guess you'll have to take backseat.
- What? - In the car.
- Oh, yeah.
(electronic whirring)
(leather creaking)
(door banging)
- Good job.
I'm proud of you.
- Kat, are these?
- Oh (laughs) gosh, you found the photos.
Yeah, crazy story.
I was collecting a load of old yearbook pics.
The printer screwed up by printing hundreds
of that one photo.
I've been meaning to throw them out.
- That is so funny. - (laughs) Yes.
So funny.
- Road trip, here we come.
(engine revving) - Hang on.
How come you're not wearing your scarf anymore?
- Oh, silly me.
I must've left it at home.
(engine rumbling) (upbeat music)
♪ One way, or another, I'm gonna find ya ♪
♪ I'm gonna get ya, get ya, get ya, get ya ♪
♪ One way, or another, I'm gonna win ya ♪
♪ I'm gonna get ya, get ya, get ya, get ya ♪
♪ One way, or another, I'm gonna see ya ♪
♪ I'm gonna meet ya, meet ya, meet ya, meet ya ♪
♪ One day, maybe next week ♪
♪ I'm gonna meet ya, I'm gonna meet ya, I'll meet ya ♪
♪ I will drive past your house ♪