- [Jamie] Do you think this is right?
- [Fran] Well, Mr. K said to meet Nikhil here,
so I guess so.
- [Jamie] I mean, do we really need another person?
- [Fran] Well, apparently it's a big job today
and Nikhil is supposed to be the best.
So we need to be totally focused.
- Totally.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Good.
- Are you hungry, Fran?
- Um, a bit, I guess, yeah, a little bit.
- I made you an egg sandwich.
- Oh, I dread to think how long
that's been sweating in that glove box.
- I made it specially for you,
so you might just wanna have a bite.
Go on, just have a bite.
I love April Fool's.
- Course you do, it's basically Christmas for idiots.
- There is a lot more where that came from.
- Yeah.
- I've got the fly in the ice cube here.
- And the glasses with the mustache and the, yeah.
- Oh, my, and Whoopee Cushion obvs,
we've got the fake gun.
- Jamie, that's a real gun.
- Oh.
Er, oh.
Bang!
Bang, oh! - Look, can you just stop?
I need this to go well,
the rest of my life's a total mess.
- Dare I ask how is the Joel situation?
- Actually it's improved, it's sort of sorted now really,
we've agreed that he's gonna keep the flat
and I get the sofa, unfortunately the sofa's in the flat
and he's got the keys, but you know.
- It sounds a bit tricky, mate, but do you know what?
Change can actually be a really good thing,
you know like I've changed from brushing my teeth
to just popping a few Smints?
- I won't lie, I have noticed the difference.
- I wanna make a deal with you,
you cut yourself some slack
and I'll start brushing my teeth, yeah, deal?
- Great, deal.
(electronic buzzing) Ow!
What?
Stop it. - Just too easy!
- No more pranks, please.
- Right, do you think that's him?
- God, he looks terrifying.
(light upbeat music)
(groaning)
(crunching)
- Open door, open this fucking door!
- [Fran] Yes, alright.
(body thudding to floor)
(panting)
Good morning,
I am Nikhil.
- [Jamie and Fran] Good morning, Nikhil.
(dynamic melodic music)
- So what about you, Nikhil,
is there a Mrs. Nikhil?
- Dead.
- God, I'm so sorry.
Kids?
- Dead.
- Pets? - Two gerbils.
- Oh, that's nice. - Both dead.
One target down, only seven more.
- Seven?
- Our witness in court case,
we hit all by tomorrow morning.
- Nikhil, are you hungry? - Jamie, no, no!
- 'Cause I've got a really delicious egg sandwich
with your name on.
(quiet tinny rock music)
- [Nikhil] Okay, target number two in flat over wall.
- Hm, that's a big wall. - Big wall.
- Hm. - What's the plan?
- Well, I think you should give me a leg up.
- I gave you a leg up last time.
- Uh, no, you didn't, 'cause I distinctly remember
I gave you a leg up and you'd trodden in dog shit
and it was all over my hands.
- Oh, yeah, let's play a game.
I'm gonna think of a person
and if you can guess who I'm thinking of,
then I will give you the leg up.
- That's ridiculous. - Why?
- Well, because it's like a one in a seven billion chance
I'll get it right.
- Okay, well, we'll narrow it down
to the people in this van.
- Fine,
is it me?
- Wait, I'm not ready yet.
Okay, go.
- Is it me?
- Yes. - Yes, it's me.
(dynamic rock music)
- Done, we go now.
- I didn't even know he'd left the van.
He's incredible.
- Incredible at killing people maybe,
but I bet he can't guess who I'm thinking of.
- One who look like weakling schoolboy.
(quiet tinny rock music)
- Does he mean me? - Yeah.
Wow, he's good.
(van engine starting)
- Nice work. - No touch.
- Sorry.
(phone ringing)
I should get this.
- I check body go down.
- Mr. K.
Yeah, no, we're up and running.
Nikhil, very efficient, hm.
Yeah, I mean, Jamie's really busy doing stuff,
yeah, she's super on it.
Yeah, I'll check in when we're done.
Okay.
Are you gonna do anything today?
- I've come up with a perfect way to trick him.
- I mean anything useful?
- One martini, extra fly.
I don't think he's gonna see that coming.
- Jamie, you've got to stop doing this, it's embarrassing.
We're starting to work like professionals for once
and if you can't help, then just don't get in the way.
- Fine.
- So where to next, Nikhil?
(loud farting)
- It's a Whoopee Cushion.
- Next location, security camera here, here and here,
we go in back way, bang, bang, bang, recover.
- Sounds like a plan.
- What about me?
- You wait here. (car doors closing)
- Fran, we going for that drink or what?
- What, so you just abandon me
in the middle of nowhere again?
- Oh, come on.
Looks like that long Highland hike did you good.
- Yeah, I mean, that's probably the stone I lost
due to crippling diarrhea from drinking from a stream,
but thanks.
- Go away.
- Who's your friend?
And what's with his frigging do?
- That's Nikhil, Mr. K asked us to work with him today.
- Wow!
Been a kill.
So Mr. K sent you a babysitter, that's adorable.
- Yeah, we don't, well, he's not a babysitter,
I mean, we've got a lot of work on, so.
- He give you a snack after school?
Does he read you a bedtime story?
(laughing)
- Hey, does he read you a bedtime story?
- I just said that, Charles. - Oh, yeah.
Does he like record the story on audiobook maybe?
- It's the same thing, Charles.
- Yeah. - Final warning.
- Hey, Jamie, who's this?
"Final warning."
- That is so Nikhil,
Charles is a very gifted impressionist.
- "Final warning,"
I am big, scary man with mullet and muscles and--
- Charles, grow up, we're working.
- "Charles, grow up, we're working."
Uh! - Hey!
(light upbeat music)
- Please, I have a really delicate trachea!
- Apologize to schoolboy lady.
- Who? - He means me,
but it's a sign of respect.
- Alright, sorry, oh!
Sorry, Fran, sorry, Fran!
- Probably enough.
- Oh!
Oh!
- Ready to work?
- Let's do it.
("For Once In My Life" by Stevie Wonder)
* For once in my life I have someone who needs me *
* Someone I've needed so long
(gun firing) - Uh!
* For once unafraid I can go where life leads me *
* Somehow I know I'll be strong *
* For once I can touch
(Whoopee Cushion farting)
* What my heart used to dream of long before I knew *
* Oh, someone warm like you
* Would make my dream come true, yeah, yeah, yeah *
* For once in my life I won't let sorrow hurt me *
* Not like it's hurt me before, not like it's hurt before *
* For once I have something I know won't desert me *
* I'm not alone anymore
(gun firing)
* For once I can say this is mine, you can't take it *
* As long as I know I have
(gun firing) - Oh!
Ooh!
(sirens wailing in distance)
- I can't believe how smoothly today's gone.
It makes a nice change to be honest with you.
Cool.
- From now on we will work together.
Mr. K tell me, "Look, you and Jamie, choose new partner."
I choose you.
- I didn't realize that was a thing, um, I'm very flattered.
What about Jamie?
- She take break, play with toys another place.
- I don't know. - Trust me,
it's better for her,
it's very better for you.
(mellow melodic music)
- What?
- Why are you trying to be like Nikhil?
- I'm not.
- You know he's a proper nut job, yeah,
you saw what he did to Charles?
I just can't wait for today to be over
and for us to get back to normal.
Fran?
- Have you ever thought about taking a break?
- [Jamie] What do you mean?
- Well, you know,
you could spend some more time on your pranks
and maybe I could go and work with Nikhil.
- So you and Nikhil,
is this an April Fool's joke?
- No, Jamie, it's not.
Perhaps we should just mix it up a bit, you know,
I do my thing and you do your thing.
We'll still be best mates, oh.
- Mr. K give me next target location, we go now.
- Do you know what, Nikhil,
why don't you just sit up here, yeah?
- Jamie, Jamie. - I've warmed your seat
for you. - Jamie, please don't.
(light haunting music)
(quiet tinny rock music)
You come with me, you-- - I know, I know, wait here.
(light haunting music)
- Why would the target be here?
- No guns.
- Hello, Fran.
Christian Krieger,
aka.
- Mr. K.
- Do we shake or do we kiss?
Best of both worlds, ey?
So you and Nikhil, yes, very excited.
(electric drill whirring)
Can you stop with the fucking hammers,
I'm trying to have a fucking meeting here!
Caught on the tape, I'm looking to streamline,
the band is not what it was.
Small businessmen such as myself
are having to tighten our belts.
I won't fucking tell you again!
I was thinking of dropping you and your partner,
but then Nikhil lost his number two last week,
attack of conscience, such a shame.
So you're in luck.
- Well, I can't wait to get started.
- Well then, congratulations.
I suppose the only thing now
is for you to do a bit of streamlining of your own.
Tie up the loose ends.
- Sorry, loose ends, not quite--
- Yes, what's her name, Jamie?
- Jamie, what?
No, you can't.
- Do we have a problem here?
(light suspenseful music)
- No, it's no problem.
- Let her go.
Would you boys show a bit more sensitivity,
when I'm having a meeting?
It was so embarrassing!
- We go now.
(quiet tinny rock music)
Usual place, yes.
Then we.
- Jamie.
Jamie. - I'm not talking.
- Jamie, you really, really, really need to listen to me.
Jamie!
(mellow melodic music on radio)
* Jamie, you're in danger
* Mr. K has ordered me to kill you *
- What?
- I love this one, it's amazing,
really, really good actually, it's a banger that.
* Woo, hoo, hoo
* Don't leave me this way
* I will take your pain
* I will never look back, back, back, back, oh *
* Don't speak, you'll attract his attention *
* Just look as if you're singing the song *
* Ooh, you're the one that I want *
* I'll meet you on the downtown train *
* That's great, but ideally stick to the subject at hand *
* Okay, we're gonna drive to the usual spot *
* And then you'll behave as if everything's cool *
* And then on my command, I'll give you a signal *
* The perfect signal
* Okay, Fran, then what
* I don't know
* But what I do know is that I will come through for you *
* I've got all that it takes to win out *
* And that's what we will do
* We will do it together, just me and you *
* Fran
* What
* I'm scared
* Me too
* I'm shitting myself
* Oh, now break up, break up, break up *
(melodic haunting music)
(clearing throat)
* Oh, no
- This time we all go.
(light suspenseful music)
- So where's the target?
Fran! - No, no, no, no, no, no!
I should do it.
I'm really sorry, Jamie.
- No more talk, just shoot.
- You're the boss. (gun firing)
Run, Jamie, run!
(mellow upbeat music)
(gun firing)
- Argh! (gun firing)
- Shit, he must have a bulletproof vest on!
(gun firing)
- Argh! (gun firing)
- I'm almost out.
- Me too.
We need to get to the van, there's a spare gun in there.
(gun firing)
- Argh!
Fucking hell, you shot me fucking foot!
- [Fran] I thought you were Russian or something.
- I'm from Doncaster.
Who would you hire, Nikhil from Kiev
or Nicholas from Mexborough?
- That makes sense, the voice, the wig.
- The what? - Come on, mate,
you're not fooling anyone.
- You nasty bastards!
(guns firing)
Ow!
- Yes.
(light suspenseful music)
(gun firing) - Oh!
- Fran! - Get the gun, Jamie,
quickly, go!
(thudding kick) Uh!
- Argh, me foot, argh!
(groaning in pain)
- [Fran] Jamie, he's coming!
- Ta'ra, duck.
- April Fool's.
(gun firing)
(body thudding to ground)
("Rebellion (Lies)" by Arcade Fire)
- [Jamie] How's the leg?
- [Fran] Oh, I'll live.
- This is crazy.
- I know, right.
- I'm terrified.
But also so excited I'm gonna be sick,
just like Madame Tussauds all over again.
I can't believe we're on the run,
where are we gonna go?
- Dunno, I mean, anywhere we just blend in, I guess.
- Japan.
* Sleeping is giving in
- I should get rid of this, you know,
Mr. K will be able to track us.
(phone ringing)
* Sleeping is giving in
- Oh, who's this?
- Good luck.
* So lift those heavy eyelids
* People say that you'll die faster than without water *
- Liz.
- Fran. - Liz.
- [Liz] You still playing hard to get,
or you wanna stop fucking around
and grab that drink tonight? - Can't tonight,
I'm afraid, we're off on holiday.
- [Liz] Interesting, where?
- Not Japan, not that Japan isn't nice, but not Japan.
We don't know.
I really hope you're around when I get back.
- Me too.
Bye, Fran.
- Fran, are we gonna be okay?
- Of course we are, we'll stick together,
we've got each other, come on.
* Every time you close your eyes *
- Aw!
* Every time you close your eyes *
- You know,
you really need to start brushing,
because those Smints just aren't cutting it,
they really aren't.
Don't laugh, it makes it worse.
That's disgusting.
* Every time you close your eyes *
- Mr. K, it's me, your number one.
It's Liz.
Liz and Charles, Liz.
We got the location, we'll get on their tail,
I'll call you when it's done.
Let's move, Charles! - Yes, mamacita.
* People say that you'll die
* Faster than without water
* But we know it's just a lie
* Scare your son, scare your daughter *
* Now here's the sun, it's alright *
* Now here's the moon, it's alright *
* Now here's the star