(campy music with whistling)
- [Hostage] (shouting) Help!
Let me go!
Hey!
Hey lady, are you deaf?
Help!
(sighs)
- I told you there's no point in shouting,
we're in the middle of nowhere.
- Why do we have to do it out here, though?
I fucking hate nature, man.
What happens if some dragonflies
try to get into my gully and shit?
- Well you shouldn't have shagged the bosses
latest fiancee then, should you?
- Listen, you wouldn't understand
but I'm a man.
And sometimes a man's got to do what a man's, ugh.
(buzzing)
What's that buzzing?
Is it on my face?
I can feel it's feet on my face!
(sighs)
- Graves always take so much longer to dig
than you think, don't they?
Jamie, are you gonna help?
- Oh, sorry I was just thinking.
I'm thinking I'm finally ready to have a baby, Fran.
- Yeah but you're nearly 50, I mean,
you're in your prime.
Is this something you've talked about with Colin, is it?
Colin?
Impossibly hot swimwear model,
works with disadvantaged kids,
your boyfriend, Col-, your boyfriend, Colin.
- Oh that Colin.
Sorry, he's very forgettable.
No I think this is something I can do on my own.
- At least let me sit on a mat
or a little chair or something.
That one bug's been eyeing me up
for the last 20 minutes.
I swear man's got designs on me!
- You had sex with a crime bosses trophy bride
in the toilets of his strip club,
and you're scared of a few creepy-crawlies?
- [Jamie] I mean don't get me wrong,
I know there are downsides.
Is it fair to bring a child into all this?
- Yeah, our job.
- Our world, Fran.
War, climate change,
those Thai boys still stuck in that bloody cave.
- Got out two years ago, Jamie.
Do you have any idea how much responsibility
it is to bring up a child?
- Well, you can think what you like.
I know that I could do it.
- Okay well, prove me wrong, then.
Look after this egg 24 hours,
bet you can't.
- An egg?
- An egg, you know it's like one of those
classic responsibility exercises.
You basically have to treat it exactly
as you would treat a newborn.
- Piece of cake.
You're on.
That one doesn't count.
("Sabotage" by Beastie Boys)
Oh shit.
(laughing)
(buzzing)
(shouting)
- Oh shit.
God, he's in the woods.
Come on!
(gunshot)
(bass guitar music) We need to hurry up
and find this guy.
Mr. K's gonna lose his shit if we don't finish this job.
And this guy's dangerous, you know.
He ripped off somebody's arm and used it
as a club to beat him to death with.
- Ooh, that sounds painful.
So, how do you know this is the right way.
- Because this place is teeming with
signs and symbols. (cow mooing)
What's this?
- A piece of poo?
- Jamie, this just isn't any old poo.
This is...
(cow mooing)
it's fresh wolf feces.
- Impressive.
How does it lead us to the target?
(cow mooing) - It doesn't.
- So why did you just lick that poo?
- I don't know.
(cow mooing)
What are you doing?
- I was just
putting the finishing touches to my egg baby.
- Why does he look like Adolph Hitler?
- What are you talking about?
- His little 'tache.
- It's a nose.
- Oh, that's ridiculous.
- You told me to treat the egg like a real baby.
Real babies have faces.
It's motherhood 101.
- Well I think motherhood 101
is not dressing up your baby to look like
it's dreaming up a thousand year reich.
Anyway, we need to get the target.
It's that way.
(cows mooing)
Get this, there's a herd of bulls there, so.
- There's a path.
- Yes it's this way.
(ominous string music)
(breathing heavily)
- [Jamie] Ah, this is knackering.
- Where is he?
I could have sworn the noise was coming from here.
- Fran, what if we can't find
our way back and get stranded?
Will we have to drink each other's piss.
- Why each other's?
I mean, surely you just drink your own piss.
The jungle is no place for a child.
- They're woods, Jamie.
I mean this is Surrey, not the Amazon.
We're only two miles from the nearest Laura Ashley.
God.
- We're lost aren't we?
- Well, lucky for you
you're with a trained survivalist.
- Weren't you kicked out of the Brownies
after like, two weeks?
- I mean, I think I was too good
and actually sometimes that can be very,
very intimidating for a little lass.
- Wasn't is 'cause you know Jessica Baldwin
off of a climbing frame?
- Firstly, that was an accident.
- But. - The inquiry was a sham,
didn't prove anything.
- And you never got your cleanliness badge.
- I don't think about it now, to be honest.
It was irrelevant.
But anyway my Uncle Furlin ex-SAS
taught me all the techniques he used
to track the Taliban
and later, illegally, Sherry Blair.
What's the first rule of the wilderness?
- There are no rules?
- No, pool your resources.
- Let's empty our pockets.
- Good thinking, see?
You're at it already.
- Oh, hello.
I've been looking for this for ages.
- A slide whistle?
- In another situation this could come in very handy.
- What?
A situation where we're working
as Edwardian stage hands?
Come on, we need to focus.
We need to track the target.
And as any trained survivalist knows
you have to head in a single direction
and you do not deviate.
The last thing you wanna do, double back on yourself.
Okay?
Oh for fuck-, how did that happen?
- Should we try another single direction?
Just, this way. - What, what?
(birds chirping)
(playing whistle)
Jaime, what are you doing?
You're going to give away our position.
- I need to play music to Pip.
They say it makes your child smarter.
Uh, this whole treating an egg
like your baby thing was your idea.
- Yeah, okay, well you win, all right?
You're going to be an incredible mother
so let's just move on and just drop it
so we can get on with the job.
- Nice try, Fran.
You're gonna have to work a lot harder
to make me fail this test.
(whistling continues)
- You rule the wilderness.
No slide whistle.
- I'm hungry, Fran.
- Well I mean, if you do want something to eat
there is an obvious solution.
- That's my boy you're talking about.
- Imagine him on toast.
- Hey, what if he's watching us?
You know a sort of,
hunter becomes the hunted sort of thing.
I bet he's whittled himself a weapon by now.
- As long as he doesn't sneak up on us,
we're fine, okay?
Trust me.
There is nothing to be scared of.
(shouts)
(ominous string music)
- What is that, Fran?
- I don't know.
- There be witches in this jungle.
- Again, not a jungle.
Quick it's getting dark, we need to go!
(owl hooting)
(twig snapping)
- [Fran] What was that?
- [Jamie] I told you he was hunting us, Fran.
- [Fran] Probably just an animal or something.
- What are you making?
- One of Uncle Furlin's man traps.
He used to surprise us with them at Christmas.
Anyway if we don't snare the target
we're bound to get something to eat.
- I am starving.
- Oh God, me too.
- Do you still think about having kids, Fran?
- Oh I don't know.
I mean,
I always thought about adopting
but it was never the right time or
right person.
Still I've got Joelle now anyway.
On what I make there's no way I could afford
him, his relatives and the child.
- His relatives?
- I've got five of his uncles over from Rio.
- They're back?
How come?
- Oh God, they're doing some samba contest.
God they're practicing pretty hard
from the sounds of it.
Mainly at night.
- I need to pee.
Will you watch Pip?
- Yeah, sure.
Oh God this is ridiculous, it's just an egg.
- Fran!
- (frustrated stammering)
Uh, this isn't what it looks like!
Um, all right it is what it looks like.
Aw, I was so hungry.
- You were about to eat my baby.
- Oh God, it's not your baby.
It's just an egg.
It's just, it's a delicious egg.
- You wanted me to fail the test
that's what this is about.
- Come one don't be ridiculous.
This is not a test it was a stupid idea.
- You couldn't bear
that I was gonna prove you wrong for once.
- Prove me wrong?
- Yeah.
Show you I've got responsibility and do stuff on my own.
- You've been responsible for a hard boiled egg
for almost five hours.
I've been responsible for you my entire life.
- What does that mean?
- Well, who's the one sweating their tits off
digging a grave?
Who's the one constantly phoning Mr. K
to make sure that he doesn't kill us?
But it's not enough that I've got Joelle and his uncles,
who, by the way,
are not his uncles because they're half his age,
and that is definitely not samba
going on in that bedroom!
That's homeopathic levels of samba.
Then I've got you.
And I have to be responsible for you.
You're my egg.
I'm gonna go off and look for the target on my own.
If I stay here I'll be found in six months
wearing a squirrel pelt for a nappy
and getting breastfed by a passing fox.
- Yeah?
Sounds fun.
I prefer being on my own.
- Yeah.
(intense drum music)
(bird calling)
And that wasn't even a real bird.
(emulating a bird call)
- I knew that.
(ominous music)
(birds chirping)
(eerie piano rendition of "Row Your Boat")
Fran?
(children laughing)
- Jamie?
Jamie!
- Hello.
You found our bird houses.
- Are you okay, sir?
Come on, mind the string.
And the sticks.
(eerie music)
(screaming)
- Oh my God it's you.
Why have you got socks on your hands?
- Only way to keep the bugs out, isn't it?
Bugs do some fucked up shit.
My cousin knew this guy who went camping for his stag do,
went for a shit and used a leaf to wipe his ass
and the leaf had this weird bug on it and,
and the bug got inside him.
Then on his wedding day, he opened up his mouth to say,
"I do" but all that came out were loads of bugs!
(gunshot)
- Ah, fuck.
- Ah!
(gunshot)
- Are you hungry?
We're about to have breakfast.
- Yeah I'm real,
no, I've got to do something.
- What?
- Oh nothing, I'm just looking for a friend.
- We've got homemade granola.
- I've got no time, I can't.
- It would be easier to find your friend
if you had something to eat.
- Okay let's have the granola.
- [Children] Yay!
- Any funny business.
- Right.
Any grown ups looking after you guys today or?
- Yeah, Brown Owl but she's having one of her naps.
(snoring)
(heavy rock music)
- [Jamie] Oy!
* Kumbaya my Lord
* Kumbaya
* Kumbaya my Lord
* Kumbaya
(heavy rock music)
* Kumbaya my Lord
* Kumbaya (muffled giggling)
(heavy rock music)
* Kumbaya my Lord (clapping)
* Kumbaya
(heavy rock music)
- Fuck!
Why have you got an egg on your head?
- It's a responsibility exercise,
I'm thinking of having a kid.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Oh my God there's a massive spider on your head!
(screams)
(gunshot)
- Right, that's not funny.
Entomophobia is a serious medical condition
recognized by the Royal College of Psychiatrists.
Whatever, I'm done with this shit.
(gun clicking)
- I think that might have been my last bullet.
Fran!
* And that's how she died
(clapping)
- Oh thanks guys, really.
Just a work in progress but I appreciate that.
You know I've had so much fun.
Jessica Baldwin would be spinning in her grave.
- Who's that?
- Nobody.
You cheered me up, though, seriously.
I appreciate it.
But I better go.
- [Children] Aw.
- What were you sad about?
- Well I had an argument with my best mate and
I'm just a bit worried we might not be friends anymore.
- That's like me and Amy.
We had a fight when I used up all her blue sparkle pen,
but then I gave her my pen that smells like strawberry.
Now we're friends again.
- Interesting.
- Will you play us a song before you go?
- No.
- Please, sir.
- Now you just do that on purpose.
- [Children] Please, come on, just one.
- No, no.
No, really. - [Children] One more song.
- Oh all right, all right but just
bear with because this is a new medium, okay?
I call this one, "pain".
(slide whistle)
(cymbal music)
- Who's that?
- Jamie!
Why are you covered in mud?
- What are you wearing?
- Well, what are you wearing?
- I managed to find our friend and I tagged him
and then I lost him.
I lost my gun, -nge.
I lost my gunge.
- I hate when that happens.
- I can't believe you lost him, Jamie.
- Well at least I hit him, tagged him.
If you'd been there to help.
- Yeah, well, I've been busy.
- Doing what?
- We played double dutch.
- Not now, Hailey.
- Right, you can't get annoyed if you were here
having a lovely time with your friends.
I was out there on my own,
darkness was falling. - Excuse me.
It's all you and your baby. - I'm on the ground,
it's really, really muddy and disgusting.
- I've been running around.
(crosstalk)
- Guys!
We are going to sort this out.
- I don't think a strawberry flavored pencil
is gonna solve this one, Hailey.
- What's the first rule of being a Brownie?
- There are no rules?
- No, that would be terrible.
The first rule is I promise to do my best
and to be kind and helpful.
Is shouting at each other kind and helpful?
- No it isn't. - Not really, no.
- Right then, apologize.
- I'm sorry, Hailey.
- Not to me, to each other.
(whimsical music) - I'm sorry, Fran.
- I'm sorry Jamie.
I am sorry, I really am.
I never meant to say that and I didn't mean it.
You're not my egg.
(chuckles)
- I think I took that egg baby thing
a little bit too far, actually.
I don't really think I'm cut out
to be a mother yet, any way.
Do you know what I'm just gonna hang back
and let it just lie for a few years.
- Yeah, I mean, no rush.
- Oh and,
to show that I'm really sorry
I'd like you to eat him.
- [Hailey] Aw, that's a lovely gesture.
- Isn't it a lovely gesture.
- Listen I'd love to but I've just had lots of granola.
- Eat it.
All of it.
- Pip's tasty, isn't he?
Come on.
- Oh no, sorry, the uniform.
- Oh you've got your cleanliness badge?
- Yes, yeah. - Yay.
(clapping)
- Aw thanks guys, that's too much.
Three, two, one, go.
(crosstalk) (happy light rock music)
- [Fran] You can do it, come on!
Come on!
You'll get your "pulling things" badge.
- [Children] Yay!
- So, if my friend was still lost in the woods,
how would he get out?
- I don't know.
- Shh!
(speaking foreign language)
- She means that there's a road near there.
- [Jamie] Great.
- Bye, girls!!
Dib dib.
- [Amy] Bye.
- [Children] Bye!
(bass guitar music)
- Fran we've been driving up and down here
for the last two hours.
- Yeah well he's got to come out at some point.
- Yeah maybe he already has.
- Yeah well if he has then it's simple,
we are totally fucked.
- Oh God, it's Mr. K again. (cell phone buzzing)
- I'm gonna have to speak to him.
- And say what?
- I don't know, I just have to make something up.
I'll have to say there's been a delay or something.
Mr. K, hi!
Sorry terrible reception here, so um,
the job, yeah, no.
There's just a small issue,
really tiny actually I didn't want to
bother you with it but.
- Fran, look.
- Um, boss, could you just give us a few seconds?
- Fuck.
- Boss, um, I don't think he's gonna be
bothering your girlfriend anymore.
Brownies'll clear that up, won't they?
- I presume there's a badge for it.
("To Get Down" by Timo Maas)