[Tully yelling] Yes! [moans]
["He Is a Hustler" by Andrew Kingslow and Laura Dowling playing]
[rhythmic banging]
[Tully] Oh, shit!
God! [screams]
Oh, shit!
[moans loudly]
[moaning continues]
-[grunting] -Oh! God!
-Oh! Oh! -[Chad groans]
[both sigh]
Mmm.
[Tully giggles]
[both gasp]
-That was… -I know.
-You are… -I know.
…so good.
[softly] I know.
-[exhales] -I am so good.
I was pretty good too.
Yeah.
But not as good as me.
[laughs]
You don't think Kate heard, do you?
-Oh, definitely. -[Tully sighs]
Don't pretend you don't love it. You are an exhibitionist.
-[Tully] I am not! -[scoffs]
If Tully Hart has an orgasm,
and five random strangers aren't there to hear it, does it make a sound?
-Don't act like I'm the only weirdo here. -[chuckles]
You're the one who gets off sneaking around with your student, Professor Wiley.
You haven't been my student in a long time.
Don't remind me. It's 19-fucking-84 and I'm still stuck in this dead-end job.
It's been years. God, kill me before I kill Carol.
What? Everyone loves "Carol Does It."
[Tully] Hmm.
She is never gonna leave.
I am never gonna get on camera.
[sighs] I'm trying to be a go-getter woman of the '80s
and I'm going exactly nowhere and I'm getting sick of it.
-Maybe you just need a change of scenery. -Mmm.
-Have you considered North Carolina? -[chuckles] What? Why would I?
I got a job offer.
[exhales sharply] Tenure track. UNC.
I go down there, teach,
you come with me, you get a job in the local station.
We get married.
-Have a couple kids. -Huh.
You already have a kid.
She'll visit summers and holidays.
-You'd make a spectacular stepmom. -[scoffs, chuckles]
Come on.
You can go nowhere with KPOC…
or you can go somewhere else with me.
Think about it.
[giggles]
Wakey-wakey!
-Ugh. Go away. Kate is sleeping. -Am I an exhibitionist?
No, you just don't like doing anything without an audience.
Ha! That is not even true.
Oh, Chad! Oh, Chad! [moans]
-Chad! -Don't be jealous.
Like I would ever be jealous of you and Chad Wiley.
Oh, not this again.
He's a creep who preys on students.
-One student. -I'm sure you were not the first.
And he didn't prey on me. I was the aggressor.
It's the tears, the breakups, the drama, the ear-splitting makeup sex.
-We have a very passionate relationship. -Doomed and dysfunctional.
[sighs] He asked me to move to North Carolina and have his babies.
Oh, well, that sounds like--
Better than staying here and fetching coffee for Carol
for the next God knows how long.
I'm not getting any younger, and Chad loves me.
Half the time you guys are together you're breaking up.
The other half is pretty great.
So great that you want to put all your dreams aside and go follow him?
Maybe it's time for new dreams.
Johnny's coming home today from El Salvador.
Oh. Yeah, that's right.
-It's been like six weeks. You nervous? -Why would I be nervous?
Nice dress. Is it new?
Oh, not especially.
The tag's still on it.
[exhales deeply]
You look great, Katie.
I am not wearing it for him.
I know. I'm just saying.
Yeah, but I didn't-- [sighs]
I do not care about impressing Johnny Ryan.
[Tully] I believe you.
I'm with Mutt now.
[Tully] For sure.
And I'm happy. And you know what? It is about damn time.
Dig it. Mutt is great.
And he is a phenomenal kisser.
And he smells, like, surprisingly fresh--
like wood chips in a rainstorm.
Ooh, I gotta smell him later.
And he's hairy, but I like it. Like, he's like a man, you know.
Sexy Chewbacca. A hot yeti.
Like a lumberjack, but gentle.
And he's kind. I mean, he treats me like a goddess.
That yeti adores you.
Can't believe I was pining for Johnny Ryan for two years
when Mutt was just right under my nose.
Smelling like wood chips.
Oh, my God, if you guys get married, you have to hyphenate your name.
Kate Mularkey-Muttopolis. Oh, God.
-Oh, God. -[chortling]
Mularkey-Muttopolis. It's genius!
-[laughing] -Get dressed. We're gonna be late.
[sighs] Tully!
Wake up! We're gonna be late. Your appointment is in half an hour.
My appointment is in seven days.
No, I made it myself.
No, and I postponed it.
[exasperated sigh] You can't keep doing this.
You are pregnant. I know you don't want to deal,
but not dealing is not how we're gonna deal.
I fully plan to deal with it…
some other time. Now get off my back.
[sighs]
What does Max say?
He says… [sighs] …whatever I want…
he'll support.
My body, my choice.
-Yada yada. All that crap. -Good. Kid's got it right.
Meanwhile, he's all misty-eyed and happy.
The other day, he literally cupped my belly. It was--
I almost smacked him.
-That is so sweet. -It's weird.
He's being too nice, too supportive.
-I don't trust it. -Because you need there to be drama.
Is it possible you finally fell for a nice guy?
Or he's just looking to cash in.
Ugh. You think?
Well, he's 30 years old, still has a roommate. Think about it.
Knock up the famous lady, get set for life. Ka-ching!
Or he just really likes you and wants to be a dad.
Doubtful.
Everyone's got an angle, Mularkey.
Anyway, we're supposed to get together tomorrow,
talk about everything, make some decisions.
Great!
Oh, what's going on with the Kimber interview?
Did I make the cover?
Ah. I don't know yet. You know Kimber,
she doesn't like to reveal her works in progress.
-She says it's bad luck. -Well, have you at least seen the photos?
-Mm-hmm. -Tell the truth, do I look puffy?
They're gorgeous. You are glowing.
I can feel myself expanding.
-Like a marshmallow in a microwave. -[laughs]
You're crazy. You look exactly the same.
[Tully] Oh, my God!
These are my fat pants.
[laughs]
[Tully exhales deeply]
I told you. I told you, I told you. You are a fox in those jeans.
My mom hates them.
She says that they're just gonna get dirty.
Ever heard of a washing machine?
"No jeans are worth six weeks' allowance, Kathleen Mularkey."
-Yeah, except for those. -[chuckles softly]
You look like Susan Dey.
You know, I saw Josh Meyer drooling over you when you walked by.
-You did not. -I did so!
-He practically had a boner. -Ew.
Really?
[both chuckle softly]
Oh, shit!
What? Oh. no, is it grass?
I knew I shouldn't have sat on that field.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Tully. Tully. Tully! I think I'm hemorrhaging.
-I need a doctor right now. -It's just your period.
Right.
Duh.
Oh, is it your first one?
No.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Congratulations, you're a woman now!
-What am I gonna do? -We need to celebrate.
No. No, I mean, how am I gonna get out of this bathroom?
[upbeat piano music playing]
This is our first Girlfriend Hour Beach House Giveaway!
And the winner is--
Do I have to dance down the aisle?
It just feels like I'm trying to be Ellen.
[music stops]
Johnny? Hello? Mister Producer, can we have some attention here?
Sorry. You remember my friend Mando, the photographer?
He's just back from Iraq. He's passing through Seattle.
Thought we might try and get together. Get some advice before I go.
I'm really happy for you that you have a new job,
but you still work here for another month.
I'm still paying you to produce my show.
-Roger that, boss. -Should we take it from the top?
-I would love to. -Great.
-[upbeat piano music playing] -[sighs]
This is our first Girlfriend Hour Beach House Giveaway! And the--
-[music stops] -[mic feedback]
Hey! We still have to block for camera, Tully.
There is a lobby full of fans waiting to get in here.
Yeah, email me when you give a shit.
-[chuckles] -[door opens and shuts]
Everyone take five.
Hey, Travis, it's Kate. What's up?
Travis, I'm so sorry I have not been in touch.
I've just been avoiding you.
I am so sorry that my estranged husband punched you
because of our emotional affair.
I had a sex dream about you,
and I was hoping that maybe we can make it come true.
[line ringing]
[Travis] Hi, this is Travis.
-Hello? This is Travis here. -Uh…
Shit!
[exhales heavily]
[telephone rings]
Hello?
Yeah, no, I did just call you. Something was just wrong with the phone.
I thought I'd reach out and see if maybe you… wanted to hang?
It's Kate. Kate Mularkey.
No, this is my work phone. [laughs] Yeah.
Nope, just been laying low trying to ride out the gossip storm.
I'm sure most of the school's talking about our affair
and we never even got to have it. Right? [laughs]
Um, anyway…
I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to get together tomorrow.
The kids are going to be away at that overnight young scientists trip and--
Do you wanna come over? Watch American Idol?
Yeah? Great! That's cool. Okay.
I-I look forward to seeing you. Okay.
Keep it moist, Trav.
"Keep it moist"?
[exhales]
I have a date.
[chuckles, squeals softly]
[man clears throat]
Mutt! Oh, my God, those are gorgeous.
[chuckles] They pale beside your beauty.
Is that a new dress?
Oh, no, this is-- It's old.
-It's really nice! You're all dressed up. -I'm not.
I assume for our date?
Y-Yes! Right, exactly!
I'm all dressed up for our date later tonight. That's why I put this on.
You did your hair all pretty. I gotta get a shot of this.
Hang on. Here we go.
-Oh, great. Yes. Yeah. -[shutter clicking]
-[Johnny] Hey, what's up? Hey, mate. -[Mutt] Oh, yeah. Wait, over here. Yeah.
Johnny.
Look at him. There's a picture.
[shutter clicking]
-Hey. -Hey.
-You're back. -You look awful.
Thanks, Mutt.
Here, I'll get you some coffee.
-Be right back. -Thanks, bud.
Are you hungry?
I've been dreaming about the soup from that place that you go to.
I had a feeling. It's on your desk.
Oh, my God. I could kiss you.
How was your trip?
I actually wanted to talk to you about a few things, when you get a chance.
Not-- Not now.
Am I fired?
No!
[both laugh]
I just, uh, I thought about you, a lot, on my-- on my trip.
-You did? -You did?
Yeah! Yeah, well, I thought about all you guys.
I missed you, the gang. Huh?
We missed you too, man. Just wasn't the same without you.
-Right, Katie? -[coughs]
Yeah. It feels like you've been gone forever.
-A lot has changed. -Apparently.
Are you kidding? Nothing's changed. Everything's exactly the same shitty shit.
He's back! And about time.
-We need to talk. -Okay.
Tully, where's my coffee?
Probably in the coffee pot, ma'am.
Then how 'bout you go fetch me some? Hmm?
[Tully] Yes, ma'am.
You know she hates it when you call her "ma'am."
I know. Better than "demon bitch."
[giggles]
That girl has always had an attitude problem,
but it has gone sharply downhill in your absence.
-She's just being Tully. -Oh, no, it's worse.
It's like she's asking to be fired.
Also, I'm pretty sure Mutt and Kate had sex on your desk.
That's what I've heard. They're all over each other.
It's unseemly.
[sighs]
You've missed so much. [chuckles]
So many great "Carol Tries It," if I do say so.
I need you to go over the plans for today. We're going apple picking!
-Mmm. -Exciting stuff. [laughs]
You do know that I was Miss Apple Orchard.
I do.
-Of course you do. -[both chuckle]
Hey, man.
-Is it cool if we leave early tonight? -We?
Me and my lady, Kate.
We're going to see this cutting-edge artist, Jessica Talisman.
She's this feminist provocateur. [chuckles]
She paints with tampons and chucks 'em at the audience. It's fucking rad.
So you and Kate, uh, you guys are, um, dating now?
Best two weeks of my life! I'm ready to propose.
Well, not really. Maybe in like six months or so, if we're both still feeling it.
I got my mom's ring on deck just in case.
Hey, there's an office rumor going around that you and Kate…
on my desk?
How would that even work? A desk has no give.
I'm a bed man.
In a pinch, hammock man. Minimum, I need a sleeping bag.
Cool. Sorry, had to ask.
Plus, we haven't even done it yet.
I'm flattered that people think I'm such a stud.
-Best office rumor I've been a part of. -Okay…
So, how was El Salvador, man? Shit's pretty intense down there.
Yeah. Intense.
Yeah. What about that dude you were visiting, the priest? Father--
Ramon.
He's dead.
We got stopped at a checkpoint. Paramilitary guards shot him,
and dumped his body in a mass grave full of other dissidents.
Holy shit.
I'm about to call the station manager. Get a crew down there.
We have to tell this story, man. People need to know what's happening.
I'm in. I'll get my passport.
[exhales]
Yes. [scoffs] Dude, whatever. You are such a whore.
[laughing] Fucking love you, bitch.
Oh!
Nectar of the gods. You rock.
How's the, um, Tully Hart article?
Mmm.
It is fucking fantastic. It is a goddamn masterpiece. It is so good
I want to use it as my dating profile. [chuckles]
[laughs] Just kidding. Online dating's for losers.
-Can I read it? -When it's ready, Miss Impatience.
There's still a few tweaks to make, but seriously,
you did me such a solid by getting me that interview.
I am so happy that I went out and did you a solid.
I got you an article, as a thank you.
-Wait, seriously? My own byline? -Mm-hmm.
The boss was all like, "No fucking way."
"She's a housewife and she gets coffee now,
and she's been out of the industry way too long."
But then I was like, "Kate is the best."
"If you don't give her this chance,
I am going to tell the world about your secret cocaine problem."
[chuckles] Not really. I didn't have to go there.
But he said yes! So, go and write it before he changes his mind.
Great! Thank you! But what am I writing about?
The thing you're always pitching about old chicks.
Oh, women over 40 going through marriage and career changes.
Yeah, all that menopausal crap.
I want 1200 words on my desk in two days,
so go home and write like the wind, my minion.
-[laughing] -Thank you!
[exhales]
We can do it with a three-person crew, Jim.
I've run the numbers.
Yep, okay. I'll hold.
-Everybody's waiting in the van. -Okay.
Carol is driving me insane.
Ever since you left, she's out of control. She thinks she's Barbara fucking Walters.
Doing a story on apple picking. It's a joke.
Yes. I'll keep holding. Yeah, I'll be down in a sec.
I am seriously sick of doing her bullshit bidding.
You mean your job, Tully? You're sick of doing your job?
Jim, yes, still here.
Because they're throwing people into mass graves for their political beliefs.
[scoffs]
Not relevant to our demo. Are you-- Are you fucking kidding me?
You're damn right I'm upset, Jim.
[yells in Spanish]
I thought you-- [chuckles incredulously]
I thought you cared about news.
[scoffs] Really?
Okay. Yeah.
Yeah, you call me back.
[sniffs]
[school bell ringing]
Oh, my God! No, that's the warning bell! I can't get another tardy, Tully.
God, who cares about tardies? You're a woman now.
This is a nightmare. I can never leave. I live in the bathroom now.
[sighs] Take off your pants.
You and me to walk down the hall in my bloody underwear
with toilet paper shoved in it?
No. You can wear mine.
-Well, what are you gonna wear? -I'm wearing a dress. Would you take them?
That's not a dress.
It is now.
See?
You know, I'm totally digging this look. I think I might start a trend.
[Kate] Oh, God.
Damn it.
I want no part of being a woman.
Ew.
My Aunt Flo came early.
Isn't it pretty? Like art.
Hmm. What's up, Marnie?
Gross.
Uh, so, we're all meeting at Jessie's on Saturday.
She swiped a bunch of wine from her parents.
I can't. I have plans with Kate.
Okay, what is the deal with you and Mularkey?
Is it like an official charity thing, you know, like Friends for Freaks?
Then you would have been my first assignment.
[chuckles mockingly] Hi, Kate. Oh, I love your glasses.
My great-aunt Bertha has the same pair.
Really? Your great-aunt Bertha sounds hot.
My Kate looks like a fox in them.
Oh, bye, Marnie. Stay real.
[door opens and closes]
[sighs] God, Marnie's such a bitch-face!
We were best friends for six years,
until she got cool. Pretended we never met.
Opposite. You are the cool one.
[bell rings]
Oh, my God, I'm so late. What am I gonna tell Mr. Frankel?
Nothing.
-We're leaving. -What?
[gasps happily]
You are cool, Kate Mularkey.
So cool that you're sneaking out early with me.
Because life is short, and today you are a woman.
You don't need this eighth-grade shit.
Let's celebrate.
[rock song plays]
Come on.
[both laughing]
[both] Whoo!
I am woman!
-Hear me roar! -[laughs]
[both] Whoo!
[Johnny] Mando, this is supposed to prepare me for Iraq?
[Mando] Yep.
[Johnny] I thought you only shot pictures.
I hate guns.
[in Spanish] Whatever.
[in English] Can't we just go to a bar or something?
[sighs] You don't know what it's like over there.
You're a family man now. You should think about whether you really want to--
I have to. I didn't get the story out the last time.
I let him down.
Jesus. This about Ramon?
That was a long time ago, Johnny.
[yelling in Spanish]
It's about the story.
We want to fight wars, but we don't want to know about 'em.
I tried to get Ramon's story out there. I failed.
Now I have another shot to tell the world what is really happening.
-I'm not gonna fail again. -[gun cocks]
[gun cocks]
[gun fire]
[sighs]
[Carol] Now, where is the best apple…
Ooh. [chuckles]
…for the first pick?
Maybe no heels? Maybe a ladder?
Higher. Tully, more crates.
You've got to be kidding me.
Mutt has more crates over by the van. Run! Now!
Oh, I hate apples!
[Kate] A ladder'd be more stable.
The crates are folksy. Okay?
Folksy.
Should we try one?
Johnny yelled at me this morning for no reason.
I am this close to quitting.
Should we roll?
Johnny?
-Okay, let's roll it. -[Carol sighs]
Okay. [clears throat]
Hi, I'm Carol Mansour.
Once upon a time, I was picked as Washington State's Apple Queen,
a very high honor.
Apple picking season is once again in full bloom here in Washington State.
The smell, the taste, the search for the perfect pick.
But is it as magical as it sounds?
Let's try it.
[crate creaks]
Should I pray for Humpty Dumpty?
Uh-oh.
I've got it! [screams]
[gasps, grunts]
-[Kate] Oh, my God! Carol! -Ooh.
-Oh, my God. -[Carol] I don't got it.
-Carol? Are you okay? -[Carol] Ow. My leg.
[Johnny] Oh, shit.
-All right, watch your step. -Okay.
[Max] There you go.
-I like the blindfold. -Yeah?
-Yeah, it's kinky. -[chuckles]
We are long overdue for a sex date.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
Uh, one question.
Are you leading me to the scene of my eventual murder?
-You really don't trust me, do you? -I trust you… ish.
I mean, I'm wearing the blindfold, so I must.
It's okay not to trust me. You really don't know me if you think about it.
And people like you, they need to be careful.
Again, wearing the blindfold. Not careful.
'Cause you are reckless and you've got a little self-destructive streak.
Great. So, this is a kinky sex psychoanalysis date.
-Uh-huh. -Um…
Wasn't this whole thing supposed to be us discussing our future or whatnot?
Making some decisions about…
stuff?
-You mean the baby? Uh-huh. -Yeah, that.
Well, first, I thought we'd take a detour.
Get to know each other better.
[Tully chuckles]
-Are you ready? -Yes!
-Okay. -[giggles excitedly]
Welcome to the Brody Family Fall Cider Press Fest.
I'm meeting your family?
Surprise!
Oh, my God. The murder would have been better.
-[Max] Hey, guys. How y'all doin'? -[Tully] Hi.
Maxie!
-[in Spanish] Mom! How are you? -[in Spanish] Hi, my love!
Beautiful dress.
-Thank you. You look skinny. -I don't have time to eat. I'm busy.
Is this her? What's up with the shoes?
I told you she was…
fancy.
Okay.
[in English] Didn't realize you were bilingual.
Yeah, half Colombian. Actually, I spent my summers down there when I was a kid.
All right, so, Tully, this is my mother. Mom, this is… this is Tully.
-It's so nice to meet you, Mrs. Brody. -It's Pedraza, actually.
Dr. Pedraza, but you can call me Isabel.
Well, it is so nice to meet you, Isabel.
Nice to meet you, too. He talks about you a lot.
-Hmm. -I hear you picked him up at a bar.
[laughs]
You like apple cider? I'll show you something.
-Cabrón. Hey! -[Max] Hermano. Cómo estás?
Qué bueno verte.
-Um… -Ah, you asshole.
How does a guy like you end up with a woman like that?
-[laughs] -This is my brother, Mark.
-Hi. -Mark, Tully.
His older, more successful brother.
Viejo, eso sí. This is my sister, Hope.
I used to watch your show, but I watch Ellen now.
-Well, that's okay. -[Hope] You look pretty.
I see why he's in love with you.
Hey, hey, hey… I don't remember saying anything about--
I like your shoes. How much did they cost?
Those are Manolo Blahniks.
-Your girlfriend's wearing $400 shoes. -[chuckles]
-I watch Sex and the City. -How old are you?
Maxie's always had a thing for older women.
Remember that time he asked our neighbor to prom? She was like 35.
-[laughs] -That was the problem with Becky.
His wife was too young. A lot younger than you.
[speaks Spanish]
-I think we might be overwhelming her. -Hey, you gonna play?
-You gotta play. -We forgot.
-We have other plans. -[Mark] Of course she's gonna play.
-What? No, no, no, no! -Oh, come on.
It's a family tradition. You'll love it.
Well, what are we playing?
["Hey Ya!" by Outkast playing]
[all exclaiming]
[speaking Spanish]
-[in English] Up yours! -[laughs]
Thirty years of marriage, I still can't understand her.
[all laughing]
♪ Don't try to fight the feeling ♪
♪ 'Cause the thought alone Is killin' me right now ♪
-[all] Oh! -Buena.
Fuck you. Love to you, little brother.
-Vete a la mierda, cabrón. -Hey! Easy.
All right. It's my turn.
All right. Here we go.
[all exclaim]
-[whispers indistinctly] -Okay.
[cheering]
I'm sorry.
[all chanting] Loser! Loser! Loser!
[laughs]
Your family is such a trip.
-Your parents are-- -Yeah. Sickeningly in love, right? I know.
No, it's beautiful.
You're lucky to have grown up with an example like that.
-Yeah, it sucks. I'll never measure up. -[scoffs]
I mean, not to complain about my perfect family. I know…
your mom died when you were just a kid.
Right. I forgot I told you that.
You never told me what happened.
-How did, um-- -Your siblings are so great.
I really love your sister.
Yeah. Yeah, she's the best.
She's-- She's my favorite person.
Although she does have a little bit of competition these days.
I should tell you…
you know, even if we…
have this baby, it's--
It's not like a golden ticket to fame and fortune.
Jesus. Is that what you think I'm doing here?
No, I mean, in case you were--
Tully, why is it that whenever we actually start to have an intimate moment,
you try your best to fuck it up?
-Excuse me? That's not what I'm doing. -Come on.
Did you really think I give a shit about wealth or fame?
'Cause from where I'm standing, looking at your life,
all those $400 pair of shoes, they haven't bought you any happiness.
I didn't buy those shoes.
-I got them for free from the show. -Oh, wow.
Nice, nice, nice, Tully. Way to completely miss that point.
Look…
I don't… I don't know you.
I don't know what you want from me.
I don't want shit from you, Tully.
I wanted to get to know you. I wanted to bring you here to meet my family
because you're carrying my baby, and because sometimes
when you're not completely pushing me away, you actually--
You start to make me think that--
I don't know, okay.
Just, you know, if being famous makes you incapable of trust, that's cool.
Just keep me out of it.
I'm just-- I have to be careful.
Right, this was a mistake.
-Let's just-- I don't know, let's just go. -No, wait.
Is what Hope said true?
What, that I'm in love with you?
[doorbell rings]
Oh, shit! [laughs]
-You forgot. -I forgot.
I forgot. I'm so sorry. I'm on a deadline for an article I'm writing.
-I've not even looked up since yesterday. -Understood. Another time.
No, wait, wait! I-- I need to eat. I could use a break.
Come in and hang out, and I'll just--
I'll be back down in one second. [laughing] I'm so sorry.
[chuckles politely]
Shit.
[Mutt sighs]
That was so gnarly.
I saw bone sticking out of Carol's leg.
Call the hospital. See if you can get a report.
And before you start campaigning to replace Carol--
Yeah, I'm sure you can edit around the fall.
She'll be back tomorrow. You know, it doesn't even matter. I'm going home.
[Kate] You need anything?
I can stay and help edit the piece.
No, I got this. I know you've got plans tonight.
Wasn't there something you wanted to talk to me about?
Eh, it can wait.
I'd like to hear about your trip.
I don't mind staying behind if you need to talk about it.
As your boss, I command you to go on your little date with Mutt.
[scoffs]
That was a…
I'm sorry.
It's okay. Um…
[sighs]
I will see you tomorrow.
Yeah.
["Beri-Beri" by Kleenex/LiLiPUT playing]
[screams]
♪ Give it out, do it better Give it out, do it better ♪
I'd like to be a woman for a day.
Feel that connection with the Earth, the nature, the moon, tides.
Don't forget the bloating, the cramps, the inequality.
Yeah, but every month you're reminded that you have the power to generate life!
Look at that!
Mmm.
[sighs] Something's wrong with Johnny. He's acting like--
An asshole.
He's hurting, Tull.
His-- His friend died in El Salvador.
Father Ramon died?
That's… awful.
But it doesn't give him a pass to yell at us and treat us like shit.
Come on, Tully.
I'm sorry. I've wasted two years rotting away in this job.
I have had it up to here with Johnny Ryan not seeing what I'm capable of.
-Maybe it's time to move on. -I think it is.
Johnny doesn't know what he's losing.
Well, I need another drink.
I've been taking a sip every time you say "Johnny,"
and wouldn't you know, I'm out.
-I'm sorry. -Refill please.
Why is everyone so unhappy?
Life is good. It's a beautiful night.
-[Tully] You're an ass. -[Chad] Ugh…
-Kate? -Mm-hmm?
-You're a really, really good kisser. -Mm-hmm.
Would you come home with me?
Not necessarily to do anything.
We could just talk or watch TV.
I just don't want this night to end.
[both chuckle]
The thing is I have this friend who's going through a thing,
and I just really feel like maybe I should go check in on them. Rain check?
Good thing we live in Seattle.
I'm cashing that rain check ASAP.
[both laugh]
Wow. This is fantastic, Kate.
It's, uh, smart and real and funny.
Thank you. I actually feel really good about it.
Kimber's giving me this big break. I can't let her down.
But you kind of just trail off here.
-What's the end? -I haven't written it yet.
I can't decide whether to end on, like, a battle cry to action or a note of hope.
My vote is hope.
You know, I like that you changed clothes for me.
Oh, no, I didn't. I just had a, um--
Okay, I did.
But, I should tell you that you have a pair of underwear stuck to your back.
Oh, God! Period panties! I…
-Wow. [chuckles] -You are extremely…
disarming, Kate Mularkey.
Oh, shit! I have a bunch of stats I didn't get put in the article.
I've been compiling this whole binder in case Kimber finally said yes.
Fuck! I must have left it at the office.
All right. Well, let's go get that binder!
-Really? -Hell yes!
This is like the most fun I've had in ages.
I don't get out much.
-[laughs] -Plus, I like being with you.
Come on, let's go.
It's a civil war! A revolution! You know, we had one too.
What do you mean nobody's heard of El Salvador? First, that's not true.
And secondly, we should hear about it!
What's the local angle? Um…
How about a man educated in this country, in America,
he goes back to his country, not a warrior, not a-- not a zealot,
but an ordinary guy, a priest--
and what he sees there…
what he witnesses. Injustice, murder.
He can't stay silent.
He has to speak. He has to--
[emotionally] He has to become the voice for those who have no voice!
[sighs deeply]
Respectfully pass?
[exhales]
Well, let me just say,
respectfully…
Go fuck yourself!
[phone slams]
-Fuck! -[glass shatters]
[sighs]
[girls giggle]
Oh, my God, she got her period all over her white jeans. It was so gross.
So then, she threw them out and wore a shirt as a dress,
like a true slut.
Oh, and her mom's a slut too.
And she doesn't even know who Tully's dad is.
And they do drugs together all the time.
Oh, my God, Marnie, you are so full of shit! Shut up!
Oh, it's Tully's little puppy coming to stick up for her master.
You're so obsessed with her, Mularkey.
-Like she's gonna somehow make you cooler. -Fuck off, Marnie!
What's going on?
Your little friend is eavesdropping on us like a psycho.
Yeah, right!
[girls giggle]
[girl] So good.
Cool. Free tampons. Thanks, Marnie!
Come on, let's go. We're gonna be late for English.
Don't you mean French?
Excuse me?
Well, 'cause you guys like to French each other. Because you're lezzies.
[Tully] Mmm.
-Well, whoever smelt it dealt it. -What does that even mean?
-It means you wish I was Frenching you. -Well, you'll French anyone.
We all heard about you getting drunk
and screwing a senior at a keg party in the woods like a little slut.
-[grunts] -[gasps]
[gasps]
[chuckling softly]
[gasps]
-[Travis laughing] I'm into that! -[Kate] I thought that's what it was for!
I am so sorry again about this. Thank you for coming with me.
No, you do not have to thank me.
And you definitely do not have to apologize.
I'm here 'cause I want to be here. That's what friends are for.
-Success. -All right. Mission accomplished.
Should we go?
-Sorry. I'm so sorry. -No. No, no, no.
Never apologize for that.
But are you sure you want to do this? I mean, what about the gossips?
[laughs]
And Johnny?
And Marah?
Johnny and I are over. And the gossips can go fuck themselves.
And, as for Marah…
I watched my own mother wither away
under the weight of other people's expectations,
sacrificing what she wanted for everyone else,
and I am not gonna set that example for my own daughter.
I got it! [screams]
[screams]
-[laughing] -[rewinding and replaying tape]
[scream repeating on TV]
[Kate] Johnny.
[snickering] It's so great!
Carol's so great.
Look at this.
Is this not the greatest footage you have ever seen?
It's our greatest story! [sighs]
It's our greatest show.
It is our greatest show that we've ever done. Ever.
[laughs]
[sniffs]
We met when we were just kids.
Who, Carol?
Ramon. [sniffs]
My parents were missionaries.
And he was like… a brother to me.
Except, I think they loved him more.
I was their biggest failure. The unbeliever.
You are not an unbeliever. I mean, you might believe in too much.
Ah, nobody wants the story, Mularkey.
Network, no.
Papers, no.
Rag sheets, no.
I could write it on a bathroom stall, I guess.
-Ah! -Oh my-- Are you okay?
No! [groans]
-Johnny. -Didn't spill a drop!
-[laughs] -[grunts]
-Ow. Kate -Let me get this up.
Ow.
I think I broke my ass.
[laughs]
[sighs]
And I blame Carol for everything bad that's ever happened to me.
[laughs]
[sighs]
You're so good, Mularkey.
You're a lot like Ramon.
He was good.
Wish I was good.
You are good.
[inhales deeply] Hey, do you want to hear a funny story?
When they took him that night--
and that was all my fault, by the way. That was--
We were only on that road 'cause of me. You know, I didn't--
I didn't help him. I didn't even--
-I didn't know what to do. -That is not your fault.
There was a soldier with his gun in my face.
And I heard it cock.
And I thought, "This is it. I'm dead."
And I closed my eyes…
and you know what I saw?
[inhales deeply]
You.
I saw you, Mularkey.
I, uh…
I've wanted this for…
ever.
But not like this.
You're drunk.
So what?
I'm… I'm dating Mutt.
Break up with him and be with me.
You're not-- I mean, you're not even thinking clearly.
You're not gonna even remember this tomorrow.
-Yes, I will. -You will not.
I will and I'll still want to kiss you.
So, kiss me then.
How you doing?
I guess I slept here last night.
I was working pretty late.
Yeah, I was-- I was here. I know. I helped you get on the couch.
No.
Yeah.
[groans]
[inhales sharply]
Ah, my back.
Oh. You fell out of this chair.
Wait, I did?
Seriously?
Yeah, I said that you wouldn't remember, but you swore that--
Oh, shit.
[sniffs]
Yeah, I wasn't in the best head space yesterday.
Sorry if I said anything… crazy.
No, you were fine. Um, we mostly just, you know, talked about work.
Good. All right.
Well, I'm sober now.
So, let's never speak of last night again.
Of course.
-Um… I'll get coffee. -Oh, Kate, you're the best.
Thank you.
You know it.
I quit! Chad and I had a horrible fight this morning.
We broke up, again, and it's my fault because I am miserable.
I can't do this anymore. So, consider this my one day's notice.
Can we just take a breath, please?
Fuck breathing! I have been breathing for two years!
Give me the paperwork to sign because I am moving on!
Maybe I'll become a waitress, or maybe Chad will take me back
and I'll move to North Carolina so I can have his babies.
Either way, I am done!
Goodbye, KPOC! This is Tully Hart signing off!
Carol's in surgery. Her leg's fucked. She's out for at least a month.
Oh, that's too bad.
Since, uh, you just quit--
Who said anything about quitting? [gasps]
-[Johnny] Uh… -[Tully] Mmm.
I'm going on air!
I'm going on air, Mularkey!
[Tully laughing]
Yay! I'm going on air! I'm going on air!
First time you punched somebody did it feel this good?
I'm so proud of you.
[inaudible]
[paint can spraying]
Is that how you spell "lezzies"?
-I don't think so. -Takes one to know one.
[scoffs]
["No Matter What" by Badfinger playing]
♪ No matter what you are ♪
[Kate and Tully laugh]
♪ I will always be with you ♪
♪ Doesn't matter what you do, girl ♪
♪ Ooh, girl, with you ♪
-"Tully Hart-less"? -Huh?
Oh, my God, is that the new issue?
I recognize that pretty face.
[Kate] Oh, I'm such an idiot. She only gave me that assignment
so she could get me out of the office to publish a goddamn hit piece!
Okay, are you sure?
"There's the person Tully presents to the world,
glamorous yet down-to-earth host of The Girlfriend Hour,
America's favorite best friend, and then there's the truth."
"Sources close to her describe a ruthlessly ambitious woman
who slept her way to the top while lying about her background."
"A multi-millionaire who lets her own mother live in a trailer park
and work the night shift in a diner."
Fuck! What the hell, Kimber?
Oh, my God.
[soft instrumental music playing]