1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,000
Sub by Dongle Mann
2
00:00:06,291 --> 00:00:08,416
["Say Hey (I Love You)" plays]
3
00:00:11,083 --> 00:00:12,083
♪ Hey ♪
4
00:00:12,333 --> 00:00:14,083
- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
- ♪ Uh-huh ♪
5
00:00:14,166 --> 00:00:16,875
♪ I say, hey, I'll be gone today ♪
6
00:00:17,083 --> 00:00:19,458
♪ But I'll be back all around the way ♪
7
00:00:19,666 --> 00:00:22,041
♪ It seems like everywhere I go ♪
8
00:00:22,208 --> 00:00:24,500
♪ The more I see, the less I know ♪
9
00:00:24,625 --> 00:00:25,958
- ♪ But I know ♪
- ♪ I know ♪
10
00:00:26,041 --> 00:00:28,666
[Alan] You know, this Lamaze class
got me concerned.
11
00:00:28,750 --> 00:00:31,767
Is there really a chance that you're gonna
stop breathin' while givin' birth?
12
00:00:31,791 --> 00:00:33,351
- What?
- Like everything is going great,
13
00:00:33,375 --> 00:00:36,000
and I'm like, "One, two, three,"
and your face turns blue,
14
00:00:36,083 --> 00:00:39,166
and you stop breathing,
I'm like, "Breathe! Breathe!" [laughs]
15
00:00:39,250 --> 00:00:41,625
Alan, it's about us being ready.
16
00:00:41,833 --> 00:00:43,458
It's about us doing this together.
17
00:00:43,541 --> 00:00:47,041
Well, you know, girl, doing this together
is what got us here in the first place.
18
00:00:47,125 --> 00:00:49,541
Except your breathing was more like,
"Oh, Alan!
19
00:00:49,625 --> 00:00:50,684
- Oh, it's amazing!"
- Alan.
20
00:00:50,708 --> 00:00:52,083
- "Oh, Alan, it's so big!"
- Alan!
21
00:00:52,166 --> 00:00:54,625
- "It's so big!"
- Stop it! You're being ridiculous!
22
00:00:54,708 --> 00:00:55,708
[laughs]
23
00:00:55,791 --> 00:00:59,250
Oh, I gotta get back to work.
It's the last day before maternity leave.
24
00:00:59,333 --> 00:01:01,791
- I'm gonna miss work.
- Yeah, I wish I could say the same.
25
00:01:01,875 --> 00:01:03,416
- Linda's on a warpath.
- Oh.
26
00:01:03,500 --> 00:01:06,916
Apparently, Doug pitched a new
holiday e-card, and it didn't go so well.
27
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:08,291
Babe, who's gonna send an e-card
28
00:01:08,375 --> 00:01:10,958
for someone graduating from rehab
for the second time?
29
00:01:11,041 --> 00:01:13,001
Well, it was a lot better
than "Happy Hoe-loween".
30
00:01:13,083 --> 00:01:14,883
You know, for women that wear
slutty costumes.
31
00:01:14,958 --> 00:01:18,083
Or what about "White Kwanzaa,"
which makes absolutely no sense at all.
32
00:01:18,166 --> 00:01:20,625
And don't forget to tell Linda
you're taking paternity leave.
33
00:01:20,708 --> 00:01:23,833
I know. Listen, nothing's more important
to me than my family,
34
00:01:23,916 --> 00:01:24,916
not even a partnership
35
00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:27,666
at the company I've been
busting my ass for all these years.
36
00:01:27,750 --> 00:01:29,990
You think maybe I should've
just slept my way to the top?
37
00:01:30,750 --> 00:01:31,990
Okay, babe. I'll see you later.
38
00:01:32,041 --> 00:01:34,642
Don't think Linda want it?
You see the way Linda looks at your boy!
39
00:01:34,666 --> 00:01:36,851
- Not interested in that conversation.
- Don't be jealous.
40
00:01:36,875 --> 00:01:37,916
- Mm-mm.
- [laughs]
41
00:01:38,250 --> 00:01:39,875
- I love you.
- [Marie] Love you, too.
42
00:01:39,958 --> 00:01:40,958
Bye.
43
00:01:43,625 --> 00:01:45,583
Linda, I wanna apologize for the pitch.
44
00:01:45,666 --> 00:01:48,458
You know, I've been delegating more
to the team, and I want...
45
00:01:49,791 --> 00:01:51,458
Y-You know, 'cause the baby's due soon...
46
00:01:51,791 --> 00:01:53,750
I know you got a lot on your plate, Alan.
47
00:01:53,833 --> 00:01:56,916
I won't pretend to understand,
I never wanted babies. Ick!
48
00:01:57,583 --> 00:01:59,083
[stammers] You know, um...
49
00:01:59,291 --> 00:02:01,916
I-I-I don't usually drink at work.
50
00:02:02,250 --> 00:02:03,250
[Linda] Hmm.
51
00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:06,416
- [slurps]
- Oh, damn.
52
00:02:06,500 --> 00:02:07,500
[gulps]
53
00:02:10,500 --> 00:02:11,333
Alan.
54
00:02:11,416 --> 00:02:13,625
There was a time when you took charge.
55
00:02:13,958 --> 00:02:16,291
You were aggressive. You dressed the part.
56
00:02:16,375 --> 00:02:19,083
You were becoming
the face of this company, literally!
57
00:02:19,958 --> 00:02:22,208
Now... everything's about...
58
00:02:22,291 --> 00:02:25,666
[mocking] "The baby. Ooh, me and my mom.
The baby is great." [grunts]
59
00:02:25,750 --> 00:02:28,000
Linda, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
60
00:02:28,625 --> 00:02:30,385
[stammers] I'm gonna be
taking some time off.
61
00:02:30,458 --> 00:02:32,125
- What?
- Just a month or so.
62
00:02:32,458 --> 00:02:33,750
It's like paternity leave.
63
00:02:33,833 --> 00:02:34,916
[Linda] Paternity leave?!
64
00:02:35,291 --> 00:02:36,958
You're in line for a partnership.
65
00:02:37,250 --> 00:02:40,166
Do you really think, Alan,
this is the right time to vacay?
66
00:02:40,250 --> 00:02:43,208
It's not a vacay.
I just want to be there for my family.
67
00:02:43,291 --> 00:02:45,458
And you know what?
That partnership, I earned it.
68
00:02:47,083 --> 00:02:50,750
Now, I have a baby appointment,
and I promised Marie I'd be there.
69
00:02:52,125 --> 00:02:53,125
[Linda] Fine!
70
00:02:53,208 --> 00:02:56,791
[mocking] Go to your little appointment
with your sonogram and your gel.
71
00:03:04,250 --> 00:03:06,416
[Dr. Greenberg] Everything looks great.
72
00:03:06,833 --> 00:03:09,291
Right where you'd expect to be
at 35 weeks.
73
00:03:09,375 --> 00:03:11,215
- [Marie chuckles]
- Thank you. Lights, please.
74
00:03:11,458 --> 00:03:14,250
Now, because of your advanced
maternal age...
75
00:03:14,333 --> 00:03:15,958
Uh, I'm only 35.
76
00:03:16,041 --> 00:03:19,083
- And 35 is really 15 in Black-people age.
- Mm-hmm.
77
00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:20,666
You know that black don't crack...
78
00:03:20,750 --> 00:03:22,750
[both]...unless you smoke it. Okay?
79
00:03:22,833 --> 00:03:26,708
Sure, but 35 is still considered
an elevated risk pregnancy.
80
00:03:26,791 --> 00:03:28,875
- Uh, no pre-eclampsia in your family?
- No.
81
00:03:28,958 --> 00:03:30,875
- No food allergies? No history of cancer?
- No.
82
00:03:30,958 --> 00:03:32,666
No, she has A-plus genes.
83
00:03:32,750 --> 00:03:34,666
You know, her daddy's a federal judge.
84
00:03:34,875 --> 00:03:37,250
She graduated top of her class
at Columbia Law,
85
00:03:37,333 --> 00:03:39,791
and she's the first
female partner in her firm.
86
00:03:39,875 --> 00:03:40,875
Hey, Doc...
87
00:03:41,125 --> 00:03:42,000
I trapped her.
88
00:03:42,083 --> 00:03:43,125
[both laugh]
89
00:03:43,208 --> 00:03:44,208
Uh, so...
90
00:03:44,250 --> 00:03:46,083
- Uh, one more thing...
- [Marie] Hmm?
91
00:03:46,166 --> 00:03:49,166
Alan... we don't have your family history.
92
00:03:49,250 --> 00:03:52,708
Oh, well, there's a perfectly good
explanation for that. I don't have one.
93
00:03:53,958 --> 00:03:56,833
See, I was put up for adoption,
and I was raised in foster homes.
94
00:03:56,916 --> 00:03:59,166
I moved around a lot.
I never really met my birth mother.
95
00:03:59,541 --> 00:04:03,000
Hence, no family medical history.
96
00:04:03,541 --> 00:04:04,541
[Marie] But...
97
00:04:04,583 --> 00:04:06,708
he checked out great
after his last physical.
98
00:04:06,791 --> 00:04:07,791
That's right.
99
00:04:07,958 --> 00:04:10,375
You are lookin'
at one perfect human specimen.
100
00:04:10,750 --> 00:04:12,416
Now, what more could you ask for?
101
00:04:13,166 --> 00:04:14,250
Girl!
102
00:04:14,541 --> 00:04:16,083
- Look at that!
- [Marie laughs]
103
00:04:16,166 --> 00:04:18,286
- Little baby gonna come out buff. [grunts]
- [growls]
104
00:04:18,333 --> 00:04:19,625
[upbeat music plays]
105
00:04:22,666 --> 00:04:24,250
[dog barking]
106
00:04:26,625 --> 00:04:28,541
[Alan] Why can't they just
put it in the chart,
107
00:04:28,875 --> 00:04:30,666
"Don't know family medical history"?
108
00:04:30,750 --> 00:04:33,666
She has to ask.
She's not judging you, baby.
109
00:04:33,750 --> 00:04:37,583
So what if I don't know if my family
has high blood pressure or diabetes,
110
00:04:37,666 --> 00:04:40,306
or the gene that gives you
the little webby thing between your toes
111
00:04:40,333 --> 00:04:42,375
that makes it impossible
to wear flip-flops?
112
00:04:42,458 --> 00:04:44,500
Listen, black people
don't even wear flip-flops.
113
00:04:44,583 --> 00:04:45,743
You're right, baby, we don't.
114
00:04:45,791 --> 00:04:48,000
Makes our heel hard and our baby toe ashy.
115
00:04:48,083 --> 00:04:49,208
[laughs]
116
00:04:49,291 --> 00:04:51,875
You know, and I've tried
every DNA website there is.
117
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:55,375
I mean, all I found out was
I may be related to Cleopatra...
118
00:04:55,833 --> 00:04:57,416
and I'm 1/23 Irish.
119
00:04:57,500 --> 00:04:59,875
Alan, my father
is a federal circuit judge.
120
00:04:59,958 --> 00:05:01,958
I've told you this a million times.
121
00:05:02,041 --> 00:05:04,000
He'd be happy to help you
find your family.
122
00:05:04,083 --> 00:05:05,000
No. No, Marie.
123
00:05:05,083 --> 00:05:06,458
That man don't like me.
124
00:05:06,791 --> 00:05:09,458
He stopped liking you
after you started liking me.
125
00:05:09,541 --> 00:05:11,458
I don't wanna owe that man anything.
126
00:05:12,291 --> 00:05:13,125
Look, Alan.
127
00:05:13,208 --> 00:05:16,708
If this is as important to you
as you say it is,
128
00:05:17,083 --> 00:05:19,125
now is the perfect time to ask.
129
00:05:21,708 --> 00:05:23,916
[Alan] Who has a Sunday brunch
on a Saturday?
130
00:05:24,250 --> 00:05:25,625
Not even white folks do that.
131
00:05:25,708 --> 00:05:27,375
[Marie] My mom insisted.
132
00:05:27,625 --> 00:05:29,250
[Alan] Aw, I love your mommy.
133
00:05:29,666 --> 00:05:32,208
Only thing I don't like about your mommy
is your daddy.
134
00:05:32,291 --> 00:05:34,833
[both laughing]
135
00:05:34,916 --> 00:05:36,125
Surprise!
136
00:05:36,208 --> 00:05:37,125
[both gasp]
137
00:05:37,208 --> 00:05:38,708
- Oh.
- [Marie laughs]
138
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:39,833
Mommy!
139
00:05:39,916 --> 00:05:41,666
- Oh, my little Pooh Bear!
- Oh!
140
00:05:41,791 --> 00:05:43,083
Never surprise a pregnant lady.
141
00:05:43,166 --> 00:05:44,333
Don't y'all know that?
142
00:05:44,458 --> 00:05:46,625
- Yeah, my water almost broke.
- [Janet] Marie.
143
00:05:46,750 --> 00:05:48,291
The whole family is here for you.
144
00:05:48,375 --> 00:05:49,375
Really?
145
00:05:49,458 --> 00:05:51,625
Your sisters, every aunt, uncle, cousin!
146
00:05:51,708 --> 00:05:53,184
- Cousins, cousins, cousins.
- Oh, Mom.
147
00:05:53,208 --> 00:05:55,489
- This is like a Tyler Perry movie in here.
- Oh, stop it.
148
00:05:57,208 --> 00:06:00,750
[Alan] So, Doug, your date,
she seems really, um...
149
00:06:01,625 --> 00:06:02,875
- outgoing.
- Oh, yeah.
150
00:06:03,291 --> 00:06:05,291
- She's a Russian aerial dancer.
- [Alan] Okay.
151
00:06:05,375 --> 00:06:07,125
- You know, like with ribbons?
- Yeah, yeah.
152
00:06:07,208 --> 00:06:08,291
That, or she's a spy.
153
00:06:08,583 --> 00:06:11,083
Or maybe she's just a thief. I'm not sure.
154
00:06:11,208 --> 00:06:14,125
But I'm keeping my sensitive documents
in a safe just in case.
155
00:06:14,208 --> 00:06:15,208
Smart man.
156
00:06:15,333 --> 00:06:16,875
- Doug.
- Marie.
157
00:06:16,958 --> 00:06:18,708
Oh, thank you so much for coming!
158
00:06:18,791 --> 00:06:20,166
Oh, such a great shower!
159
00:06:20,250 --> 00:06:23,041
- And these mommy-mosas are on fleek.
- [Marie] Right?
160
00:06:23,125 --> 00:06:24,375
- We don't say that.
- Mm-mm.
161
00:06:24,458 --> 00:06:25,916
Uh, off the chain.
162
00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:26,875
- That's old.
- No.
163
00:06:26,958 --> 00:06:28,708
- They're the bomb.
- [Alan and Marie] Stop.
164
00:06:29,875 --> 00:06:31,583
Uh, shit, she's stealing.
165
00:06:31,666 --> 00:06:32,916
- [Marie] What?
- Excuse me.
166
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:36,083
- [speaking Russian] Nyet, nyet, nyet.
- Da.
167
00:06:36,166 --> 00:06:37,166
So...
168
00:06:37,375 --> 00:06:38,750
Dad's at the grill,
169
00:06:38,833 --> 00:06:41,458
so now's the perfect chance
to talk to him.
170
00:06:42,333 --> 00:06:43,750
[sizzling]
171
00:06:44,166 --> 00:06:45,250
- Hey.
- Hmm?
172
00:06:45,333 --> 00:06:46,333
Um...
173
00:06:46,583 --> 00:06:48,041
- Dad, I was...
- Ooh.
174
00:06:49,041 --> 00:06:50,416
Sorry. Judge...
175
00:06:50,500 --> 00:06:51,666
- Mm-hmm.
- [Alan] Sir.
176
00:06:52,875 --> 00:06:54,875
I got something I wanted
to talk to you about.
177
00:06:54,958 --> 00:06:56,958
You know, I wasn't exactly in favor
178
00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:58,916
of you marrying my daughter.
179
00:06:59,000 --> 00:06:59,833
Yeah.
180
00:06:59,916 --> 00:07:02,500
You kind of mentioned that
during the wedding,
181
00:07:03,208 --> 00:07:06,708
when the preacher said,
"Speak now or forever hold your peace."
182
00:07:06,791 --> 00:07:08,541
You... you didn't hold your peace.
183
00:07:08,625 --> 00:07:11,208
Alan, I'm trying to make sure
that you understand that you're...
184
00:07:11,291 --> 00:07:13,500
you're about to become
the father of my grandchild.
185
00:07:13,583 --> 00:07:15,916
I know this. And that... that... Sir.
186
00:07:16,333 --> 00:07:19,000
[stammering] I leased a brand new SUV.
187
00:07:19,083 --> 00:07:20,958
It's red, so everybody knows it's coming.
188
00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:23,250
Got the little "Baby On Board" sticker
in the back,
189
00:07:23,333 --> 00:07:25,958
and I'm almost finished with the nursery.
190
00:07:26,041 --> 00:07:27,881
I got a few finishing touches
to put on, but...
191
00:07:27,916 --> 00:07:29,625
- [sizzling]
- [Leland] Damn it.
192
00:07:29,708 --> 00:07:31,791
That's not what I'm talking about.
193
00:07:34,083 --> 00:07:35,083
Son...
194
00:07:37,041 --> 00:07:38,916
I want to share something with you.
195
00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:41,833
Family is everything.
196
00:07:43,208 --> 00:07:44,750
You don't have a family.
197
00:07:45,208 --> 00:07:50,833
Now, Marie brings generations of success
to the table.
198
00:07:52,750 --> 00:07:54,250
What exactly are you bringing?
199
00:07:55,791 --> 00:07:57,291
I can throw with both arms.
200
00:07:59,125 --> 00:08:01,041
- You can throw with both arms?
- Mm-hmm.
201
00:08:02,958 --> 00:08:03,958
Listen, sir.
202
00:08:04,500 --> 00:08:06,541
I want to find my birth family.
203
00:08:07,041 --> 00:08:08,625
But see, I need a court order
204
00:08:08,708 --> 00:08:10,666
to unseal my adoption records.
205
00:08:11,666 --> 00:08:13,708
- Well, just so I'm clear...
- Yes.
206
00:08:13,791 --> 00:08:15,125
- So I'm clear...
- Mm-hmm.
207
00:08:15,208 --> 00:08:16,458
You're asking me for a favor?
208
00:08:16,541 --> 00:08:17,958
Not a favor. Like a...
209
00:08:18,041 --> 00:08:19,041
"Favor" is a big word.
210
00:08:19,083 --> 00:08:20,916
Like... adjust it. A "solid".
211
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,625
No, no. I wanna hear "favor."
"Solid" doesn't work here.
212
00:08:24,083 --> 00:08:26,250
Can we not say "favor" so hard?
213
00:08:26,333 --> 00:08:29,333
"Judge, could you do me a favor?"
Can you say something like that?
214
00:08:29,666 --> 00:08:30,875
Can you do me a f...
215
00:08:32,875 --> 00:08:33,708
[exhales]
216
00:08:33,791 --> 00:08:35,000
Can you do me a favor?
217
00:08:35,875 --> 00:08:36,875
There you go.
218
00:08:37,666 --> 00:08:39,666
There you go.
That wasn't that hard, was it?
219
00:08:39,750 --> 00:08:41,333
- It was.
- It was actually easier
220
00:08:41,416 --> 00:08:42,833
than I thought it was going to be.
221
00:08:42,916 --> 00:08:44,083
You... You know, you...
222
00:08:45,208 --> 00:08:47,458
You're not much of a fighter,
are you, son?
223
00:08:47,541 --> 00:08:49,083
- Hmm?
- No.
224
00:08:49,166 --> 00:08:50,916
[paper rustling]
225
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:52,666
[Marie chuckles] What is this?
226
00:08:53,708 --> 00:08:55,833
Aw! How cute is this?
227
00:08:55,916 --> 00:08:57,333
Alan, look.
228
00:08:58,166 --> 00:09:01,208
You know, I've been trying to get
that information for years,
229
00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:04,291
and your father got it
in less than an hour.
230
00:09:15,250 --> 00:09:16,250
Open it.
231
00:09:17,125 --> 00:09:20,250
Marie, now... Now, once I open this,
y-y-you know there's no going back.
232
00:09:20,333 --> 00:09:21,375
Open the damn thing!
233
00:09:23,208 --> 00:09:24,208
[sighs]
234
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:27,125
Um, Marie...
235
00:09:28,208 --> 00:09:31,375
my whole life I always wondered
what my birth family was like.
236
00:09:32,125 --> 00:09:33,958
Where'd they come from?
Were they poor? And...
237
00:09:34,041 --> 00:09:35,333
And they worked hard,
238
00:09:35,416 --> 00:09:37,666
and then they started
a successful dry cleaning company,
239
00:09:37,750 --> 00:09:39,208
[stammers] and then they got rich,
240
00:09:39,291 --> 00:09:41,750
and they moved across town
to the East side,
241
00:09:41,833 --> 00:09:43,500
and then they bought
a deluxe apartment...
242
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:44,583
Alan.
243
00:09:45,041 --> 00:09:46,041
That's The Jeffersons.
244
00:09:46,208 --> 00:09:47,500
I know, but a boy could dream.
245
00:09:47,583 --> 00:09:49,875
- Just open the dag-gone thing!
- Okay! Don't yell at me.
246
00:09:49,958 --> 00:09:51,666
[Marie] God! Just avoiding it.
247
00:09:52,291 --> 00:09:53,291
Come on.
248
00:09:53,333 --> 00:09:55,958
Baby, this is just stuff.
I can't... I can't make nothin' of this.
249
00:09:56,041 --> 00:09:59,333
Okay, okay, all right.
Records of Transfer...
250
00:09:59,791 --> 00:10:02,875
Oh, my gosh, Alan.
It's your birth certificate.
251
00:10:04,333 --> 00:10:05,333
Look.
252
00:10:06,458 --> 00:10:08,750
- [Alan] Oh, sh... Marie.
- [Marie chuckles]
253
00:10:08,833 --> 00:10:10,250
It's my birth certificate.
254
00:10:10,333 --> 00:10:11,541
[stammers] This is me!
255
00:10:11,625 --> 00:10:13,750
Yep, all five pounds
and six ounces of you.
256
00:10:13,833 --> 00:10:15,958
- Hey! That's a healthy baby!
- That's a good baby.
257
00:10:16,041 --> 00:10:16,875
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
258
00:10:16,958 --> 00:10:18,250
- A little slim.
- Little slim.
259
00:10:18,333 --> 00:10:20,416
Oh. No father on record.
260
00:10:21,041 --> 00:10:22,125
[both] Mm.
261
00:10:22,208 --> 00:10:23,791
Oh! Alan, look.
262
00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:26,750
Your birth mother's name is right here.
263
00:10:27,208 --> 00:10:29,125
Lynette Spellman.
264
00:10:30,333 --> 00:10:31,333
Lynette?
265
00:10:32,541 --> 00:10:34,416
Wow! You know any Lynettes?
266
00:10:34,500 --> 00:10:35,500
Uh, no.
267
00:10:35,833 --> 00:10:38,333
I know a Lynette. My barber,
the one that cuts my hair?
268
00:10:38,416 --> 00:10:39,583
- Uh-huh.
- She's a Lynette!
269
00:10:39,666 --> 00:10:40,500
- Shut up.
- Yeah.
270
00:10:40,583 --> 00:10:43,383
She faded it a little high, but I think
she was high when she faded it.
271
00:10:43,458 --> 00:10:45,583
- She did good.
- Maybe my mom owns a salon!
272
00:10:46,125 --> 00:10:47,375
Maybe she invented the weave.
273
00:10:47,750 --> 00:10:51,000
And you're wearin' a weave right now,
and that's why I was attracted to you,
274
00:10:51,083 --> 00:10:53,375
'cause you remind me
of the weave that my mama created!
275
00:10:53,458 --> 00:10:55,875
[gasps] Oh, my God,
maybe my mother's a millionaire!
276
00:10:55,958 --> 00:10:57,791
Well, maybe you could ask her yourself.
277
00:10:57,875 --> 00:10:59,833
Her address is right here.
278
00:11:00,291 --> 00:11:01,333
- My...
- Look at this.
279
00:11:02,416 --> 00:11:03,416
[Marie laughs]
280
00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:09,000
- I got a mommy.
- You got a mama, baby.
281
00:11:09,666 --> 00:11:11,083
- I got a mama.
- Baby.
282
00:11:11,166 --> 00:11:13,416
- I got a mama.
- Baby.
283
00:11:13,916 --> 00:11:15,458
- Hey.
- [Marie laughs]
284
00:11:15,541 --> 00:11:18,333
- You got a grand-mommy!
- You've got a grandma!
285
00:11:20,125 --> 00:11:24,000
- But what if she doesn't wanna meet me?
- How can she not wanna meet you?
286
00:11:24,583 --> 00:11:27,750
Now, listen, you better hurry up,
or you'll miss your chance.
287
00:11:27,833 --> 00:11:29,976
'Cause in a couple of weeks,
you're gonna have to focus
288
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:31,360
on the family you have right here.
289
00:11:31,416 --> 00:11:32,458
[sighs]
290
00:11:32,916 --> 00:11:34,333
- Okay.
- Okay?
291
00:11:35,291 --> 00:11:36,291
Thank you.
292
00:11:38,916 --> 00:11:40,958
Don't worry. I'll be back.
293
00:11:41,041 --> 00:11:42,916
- Okay.
- [engine turns over]
294
00:11:43,250 --> 00:11:48,125
Probably in a helicopter,
because, you know, my mama is ballin'!
295
00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:50,250
[honks horn]
296
00:11:50,333 --> 00:11:52,291
Love you! A lot!
297
00:11:52,791 --> 00:11:54,916
Bye, baby! And other baby!
298
00:11:55,458 --> 00:11:56,625
["Up Up & Away" plays]
299
00:11:56,708 --> 00:11:59,125
♪ I feel so caught up, in a bud ♪
300
00:11:59,208 --> 00:12:01,250
♪ I float somehow in my bedroom ♪
301
00:12:01,500 --> 00:12:03,000
♪ Perfectly at peace ♪
302
00:12:03,083 --> 00:12:05,458
♪ So I move along a bit higher ♪
303
00:12:05,875 --> 00:12:07,250
♪ I'll be up, up, and away ♪
304
00:12:07,333 --> 00:12:08,916
♪ Up, up, and away ♪
305
00:12:09,208 --> 00:12:11,583
♪ 'Cause they're gonna judge me anyway ♪
306
00:12:11,666 --> 00:12:13,375
♪ So, whatever ♪
307
00:12:13,458 --> 00:12:15,375
♪ I'll be up, up, and away ♪
308
00:12:15,458 --> 00:12:16,583
♪ Up, up, and away ♪
309
00:12:16,666 --> 00:12:19,166
♪ 'Cause in the end
They'll judge me anyway ♪
310
00:12:19,666 --> 00:12:21,333
♪ So, whatever ♪
311
00:12:21,416 --> 00:12:23,416
♪ I'll be up, up, and away ♪
312
00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:24,625
♪ Up, up, and away ♪
313
00:12:24,708 --> 00:12:27,500
♪ 'Cause in the end
They'll judge me anyway ♪
314
00:12:27,666 --> 00:12:29,500
♪ So, whatever ♪
315
00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:32,041
What do I call her?
316
00:12:32,833 --> 00:12:33,875
Hey...
317
00:12:35,125 --> 00:12:36,125
Mom!
318
00:12:36,500 --> 00:12:38,125
I... I forgive you, Mom.
319
00:12:38,208 --> 00:12:40,500
Yeah, I'm not even a little bitter
that you wasn't around
320
00:12:40,583 --> 00:12:43,958
for the last 38 years, you frickin' bitch!
321
00:12:44,041 --> 00:12:45,041
I'm sorry.
322
00:12:45,291 --> 00:12:47,708
It's gonna be cool. It's gonna be good.
Mm-hmm.
323
00:13:01,375 --> 00:13:02,375
[sighs]
324
00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:13,333
[doorbell rings]
325
00:13:14,500 --> 00:13:15,500
[sighs]
326
00:13:27,625 --> 00:13:29,833
[man] Just leave the mail
on the porch!
327
00:13:31,583 --> 00:13:33,000
Oh, hey!
328
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:35,541
[man] You're not our usual mailman.
329
00:13:36,250 --> 00:13:38,625
No, I'm... I'm not with the Postal Service.
330
00:13:38,708 --> 00:13:42,625
Sir, I am anxiously awaiting
an episode of Mork & Mindy.
331
00:13:42,708 --> 00:13:45,333
So, you leave me no choice
to be somewhat rude
332
00:13:45,416 --> 00:13:47,500
and say, "Please, go away!"
333
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:51,291
Who watches Mork & Mindy still?
334
00:13:53,416 --> 00:13:54,958
[knocking] Sir!
335
00:13:55,041 --> 00:13:56,958
Does Lynette Spellman live here?
336
00:13:57,625 --> 00:14:00,125
No. And I'll say it in Spanish,
337
00:14:00,500 --> 00:14:01,958
"El no."
338
00:14:07,041 --> 00:14:10,333
Then, why is "L. Spellman" on the mailbox?
339
00:14:12,625 --> 00:14:13,625
Very well.
340
00:14:14,041 --> 00:14:15,291
But she's not here.
341
00:14:15,375 --> 00:14:16,875
Really? Damn it.
342
00:14:16,958 --> 00:14:18,041
What do you want?
343
00:14:18,458 --> 00:14:19,458
[sighs]
344
00:14:20,708 --> 00:14:21,833
My name is Alan,
345
00:14:22,416 --> 00:14:24,416
and Lynette Spellman is my mother.
346
00:14:24,500 --> 00:14:25,666
[laughing]
347
00:14:25,750 --> 00:14:26,666
[snorting]
348
00:14:26,750 --> 00:14:30,916
Lynette Spellman only has one son,
and his name is Russell.
349
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:32,666
Right. I have proof.
350
00:14:32,750 --> 00:14:35,166
[paper rustling]
351
00:14:40,041 --> 00:14:42,375
What in the quantum leap?
352
00:14:56,541 --> 00:14:57,541
Give me that.
353
00:14:59,375 --> 00:15:00,458
This can't be.
354
00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:01,833
I'm her son!
355
00:15:02,041 --> 00:15:03,583
This... This is a mistake!
356
00:15:03,666 --> 00:15:05,041
Wait, you're her son?
357
00:15:06,208 --> 00:15:08,458
I'm her son. That means we're brothers!
358
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,541
Wait. You're my brother, Russell!
359
00:15:11,625 --> 00:15:14,458
No, no, no, no. No, no. Look, right there.
You see that? See that?
360
00:15:14,541 --> 00:15:17,625
See that misprint? See that date there,
that's my birthday.
361
00:15:17,916 --> 00:15:19,601
- And, see...
- Yeah, but that's my birthday.
362
00:15:19,625 --> 00:15:22,208
Yeah, but that would only make sense
if, in fact,
363
00:15:22,291 --> 00:15:24,208
you and I were... [chuckles]
364
00:15:26,958 --> 00:15:28,333
Twins.
365
00:15:31,875 --> 00:15:33,750
We're twins.
366
00:15:35,625 --> 00:15:36,666
Russell!
367
00:15:37,750 --> 00:15:39,125
We're twins!
368
00:15:39,666 --> 00:15:41,291
Come here, bro!
369
00:15:42,333 --> 00:15:43,333
This is awkward.
370
00:15:44,250 --> 00:15:46,000
I've never had a man hug me before.
371
00:15:46,500 --> 00:15:49,261
If you don't release me, I'm gonna be
forced to use my warning whistle
372
00:15:49,333 --> 00:15:50,333
Mother gave me.
373
00:15:50,916 --> 00:15:51,958
Okay, I warned you.
374
00:15:52,041 --> 00:15:53,666
- [whistles]
- All right, shh, shh! Hey!
375
00:15:53,750 --> 00:15:55,833
- Stranger danger! Stranger danger!
- [dogs barking]
376
00:15:57,708 --> 00:15:59,083
Can we... Can we go inside?
377
00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:01,541
Don't touch anything
with your measly hands.
378
00:16:01,625 --> 00:16:03,291
Everything here is very valuable.
379
00:16:03,375 --> 00:16:05,666
These are antiques,
especially the TV Guide,
380
00:16:05,750 --> 00:16:07,350
so it's gonna be worth billions one day.
381
00:16:07,375 --> 00:16:08,791
Well, here's some more news.
382
00:16:09,458 --> 00:16:11,208
- You're about to be an uncle.
- Phooey.
383
00:16:11,291 --> 00:16:13,416
- Uncle Russell.
- That's a terrible name.
384
00:16:13,708 --> 00:16:17,000
- Has a little ring to it.
- Sounds like a cheesy morning disc jockey.
385
00:16:17,083 --> 00:16:18,625
This is the family home, huh?
386
00:16:18,708 --> 00:16:20,708
Yeah. Jealous? [chuckles]
387
00:16:20,791 --> 00:16:22,208
I still can't believe
388
00:16:22,291 --> 00:16:24,875
that I'm standing here
with my very own twin.
389
00:16:24,958 --> 00:16:25,833
[Russell] Me neither.
390
00:16:25,916 --> 00:16:27,000
I mean, look at us.
391
00:16:27,083 --> 00:16:28,708
We look exactly alike.
392
00:16:28,791 --> 00:16:31,458
Yeah, we... We look almost...
393
00:16:32,125 --> 00:16:34,375
exactly... nothing alike.
394
00:16:34,458 --> 00:16:37,041
No, we look exactly, exactly alike.
395
00:16:37,125 --> 00:16:39,833
It's like I'm looking at myself
in the mirror.
396
00:16:39,916 --> 00:16:41,041
It's uncanny!
397
00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:42,958
Same face, same hairline.
398
00:16:43,375 --> 00:16:44,875
Well, I'm a lot more handsome.
399
00:16:45,083 --> 00:16:48,000
That's why I got the beauty marks
and you don't. [chuckles]
400
00:16:49,666 --> 00:16:51,458
So, Russell, I...
401
00:16:52,166 --> 00:16:53,666
take it you still live here.
402
00:16:53,750 --> 00:16:56,500
[scoffs] That's a rather obvious
observation.
403
00:16:56,958 --> 00:16:59,291
Why else would I have
my very own cereal bowl
404
00:16:59,375 --> 00:17:00,666
with my name written on it?
405
00:17:00,750 --> 00:17:01,625
- See?
- Yeah.
406
00:17:01,708 --> 00:17:04,625
It's so good. I love cereal. [slurps]
407
00:17:04,708 --> 00:17:07,250
Well, that's something me and you
have in common.
408
00:17:07,333 --> 00:17:08,625
I like cereal, too.
409
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:10,708
I'm more of a Wheat Chex guy myself.
410
00:17:10,791 --> 00:17:11,708
Wheat Chex?
411
00:17:11,791 --> 00:17:12,791
Blech!
412
00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:15,750
I'm sorry, Alan.
I like my cereals to be edible.
413
00:17:16,166 --> 00:17:19,250
Preferably with the fruit-forward
complexities
414
00:17:19,333 --> 00:17:21,291
of the Captain's Crunchberries.
415
00:17:21,375 --> 00:17:22,208
Mm.
416
00:17:22,291 --> 00:17:23,208
[slurping]
417
00:17:23,291 --> 00:17:24,500
So, when do I see her?
418
00:17:24,833 --> 00:17:26,250
- Who?
- [Alan] Mom.
419
00:17:26,333 --> 00:17:27,916
I-I mean, Lynette.
420
00:17:28,375 --> 00:17:29,416
When does she get back?
421
00:17:29,500 --> 00:17:31,583
Uh... that's... that's rather hard to say.
422
00:17:31,666 --> 00:17:33,875
Oh, I got so much stuff to ask her.
423
00:17:33,958 --> 00:17:36,666
I mean, so many things I wanna tell her,
like I'm married,
424
00:17:36,750 --> 00:17:38,208
she's gonna be a grandma.
425
00:17:38,291 --> 00:17:39,291
Uh, she's dead!
426
00:17:39,791 --> 00:17:40,791
You said what?
427
00:17:41,291 --> 00:17:42,333
Yeah, you know...
428
00:17:42,416 --> 00:17:43,416
[sighs]
429
00:17:43,625 --> 00:17:45,250
I regret to inform you...
430
00:17:45,875 --> 00:17:48,041
Lynette Spellman has passed on.
431
00:17:48,125 --> 00:17:49,125
How?
432
00:17:49,750 --> 00:17:50,750
Car accident.
433
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:53,916
I told her she should check her brakes.
434
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:58,041
So she got up under
that 1986 Honda Civic SE.
435
00:17:58,375 --> 00:17:59,375
It was blue.
436
00:17:59,750 --> 00:18:01,208
Periwinkle, to be exact.
437
00:18:01,583 --> 00:18:03,208
She was just that type of gal,
438
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:06,250
real hands-on
and cheap as the day is long.
439
00:18:06,666 --> 00:18:08,708
Obviously, I couldn't do it for her.
440
00:18:10,125 --> 00:18:11,416
Because of your size?
441
00:18:12,166 --> 00:18:16,541
Because I know nothing about fancy,
expensive, foreign cars like Hondas.
442
00:18:16,625 --> 00:18:17,875
So... So, she was crushed?
443
00:18:18,333 --> 00:18:19,875
I'm afraid so.
444
00:18:20,458 --> 00:18:21,750
Oh, wow.
445
00:18:22,291 --> 00:18:25,000
Oh, this is just so devastating. Just...
446
00:18:25,125 --> 00:18:26,791
Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on.
447
00:18:26,875 --> 00:18:28,434
- Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.
- That's my seat.
448
00:18:28,458 --> 00:18:30,250
Sorry, Alan. I've spent a lot of time
449
00:18:30,333 --> 00:18:33,250
making this leather conform
to only my buttocks.
450
00:18:33,750 --> 00:18:34,750
Mm.
451
00:18:34,791 --> 00:18:37,166
Can't believe I finally find her
and now it's too late.
452
00:18:37,541 --> 00:18:40,083
Maybe you should just go home and mourn.
453
00:18:41,375 --> 00:18:43,583
Now, excuse me. My television show is on.
Thank you.
454
00:18:43,666 --> 00:18:44,500
[TV plays]
455
00:18:44,583 --> 00:18:45,791
Do you have any pictures?
456
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:47,333
[groans]
457
00:18:48,541 --> 00:18:50,541
I hate havin' a brother already!
458
00:18:53,250 --> 00:18:54,375
Don't touch my cereal.
459
00:18:55,791 --> 00:18:57,750
I lived my entire life with that woman,
460
00:18:57,916 --> 00:18:59,458
and although buck-toothed,
461
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:01,166
she was a saint.
462
00:19:01,416 --> 00:19:02,458
And what about Dad?
463
00:19:03,166 --> 00:19:05,125
Deserted her the instant she got pregnant.
464
00:19:05,208 --> 00:19:06,541
But she carried on.
465
00:19:06,625 --> 00:19:08,250
Seems like an amazing woman.
466
00:19:08,625 --> 00:19:09,625
Indeed.
467
00:19:10,541 --> 00:19:11,541
Sour ball?
468
00:19:12,375 --> 00:19:13,375
Sure.
469
00:19:14,083 --> 00:19:16,958
She never said anything
about why she gave me up?
470
00:19:17,041 --> 00:19:18,125
Never mentioned you.
471
00:19:18,625 --> 00:19:20,000
Not a word. [chews]
472
00:19:20,083 --> 00:19:21,583
Not a peep. [chuckles]
473
00:19:21,666 --> 00:19:23,541
[slurping]
474
00:19:24,625 --> 00:19:25,625
Oh, so sour.
475
00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:29,500
[chomps] Ow! Ow!
476
00:19:29,791 --> 00:19:30,791
[Russell] Seriously?
477
00:19:31,458 --> 00:19:33,541
Did you just bite into a sour ball?
478
00:19:33,625 --> 00:19:34,875
[laughs]
479
00:19:34,958 --> 00:19:36,750
No wonder why Mother chose me.
480
00:19:36,833 --> 00:19:39,541
Okay, fine. Can you just please
get me a paper towel
481
00:19:39,958 --> 00:19:41,041
for my busted tooth?
482
00:19:41,125 --> 00:19:42,541
[slurps] Mm-hmm.
483
00:19:43,083 --> 00:19:44,500
You know, Mom loves sour balls.
484
00:19:44,916 --> 00:19:48,208
She said Dad had sour balls
and that was her attraction to him.
485
00:19:48,958 --> 00:19:49,791
Hey, Alan!
486
00:19:49,875 --> 00:19:50,791
Whatever you do,
487
00:19:50,875 --> 00:19:52,791
don't go snoopin' through Mom's drawers.
488
00:19:52,875 --> 00:19:55,708
She's got all kind of weird massagers
and stuff in there.
489
00:20:15,750 --> 00:20:16,625
[blows]
490
00:20:16,708 --> 00:20:17,708
[coughs]
491
00:20:33,208 --> 00:20:35,125
Family medical records!
492
00:20:35,208 --> 00:20:36,625
[laughs]
493
00:20:38,458 --> 00:20:39,458
[gasps]
494
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:41,583
What the hell is this?
495
00:20:49,333 --> 00:20:52,541
Again, not to push you,
but to nudge you really hard,
496
00:20:52,916 --> 00:20:54,958
Mork is about to talk to Orson and...
497
00:20:55,291 --> 00:20:56,291
What's that?
498
00:20:56,750 --> 00:20:58,208
Did you know about this?
499
00:20:59,791 --> 00:21:02,041
She had six babies at the same time!
500
00:21:04,375 --> 00:21:07,583
- There was more of you?
- Russell, there's more of us!
501
00:21:07,666 --> 00:21:08,541
[Alan chuckles]
502
00:21:08,625 --> 00:21:11,041
Wait. So, if triplets is three, then...
503
00:21:11,833 --> 00:21:12,833
Russell...
504
00:21:13,416 --> 00:21:14,916
we're sextuplets!
505
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:18,166
Holy fudge!
506
00:21:22,125 --> 00:21:24,083
[siren wails in the distance]
507
00:21:24,166 --> 00:21:27,041
[Marie] Aw, baby, I'm really sorry
about your birth mom.
508
00:21:27,333 --> 00:21:28,375
It's okay, baby.
509
00:21:28,666 --> 00:21:32,041
At least I still got Dawn, Ethan,
Jaspar, Russell, and Baby Pete.
510
00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:35,541
And, yes, Baby Pete is his legal name.
[chuckles]
511
00:21:35,625 --> 00:21:38,000
That's more ghetto
than your Uncle Lil Stank-Stank.
512
00:21:38,083 --> 00:21:38,916
[laughs]
513
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,583
Yeah, so far, I found
a place of business on Ethan,
514
00:21:41,666 --> 00:21:43,791
and nothing on Jaspar.
That man's a ghost.
515
00:21:43,875 --> 00:21:44,916
What about Dawn?
516
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:46,916
I got a number. I called it.
517
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:49,875
- So, what happened?
- [Alan] Some dude picked up.
518
00:21:50,208 --> 00:21:53,166
Gave me a weird address in Alabama.
Said I should bring cigarettes.
519
00:21:53,250 --> 00:21:55,625
Well, be careful.
You don't know these people.
520
00:21:55,875 --> 00:21:58,666
Maybe one of them
changed their name to Idris Elba.
521
00:21:59,083 --> 00:22:01,375
You know, we do have
strikingly similar bone structure.
522
00:22:01,458 --> 00:22:03,125
But Idris has all of his teeth.
523
00:22:03,208 --> 00:22:04,583
Maybe I'll get a gold cap.
524
00:22:04,666 --> 00:22:08,250
No, no, no, no. Alan. Please!
You can't meet your family like that.
525
00:22:08,458 --> 00:22:10,875
Girl, that's why I got this.
526
00:22:11,083 --> 00:22:13,291
Boom. Super glue.
527
00:22:13,375 --> 00:22:15,015
- [Marie] Oh, my God, Alan.
- [clattering]
528
00:22:15,041 --> 00:22:16,666
Don't use that. Go see a dentist.
529
00:22:16,750 --> 00:22:18,750
- Baby... I'm gonna call you back.
- Alan...
530
00:22:19,166 --> 00:22:20,500
[suspenseful music plays]
531
00:22:26,958 --> 00:22:28,125
[clattering]
532
00:22:33,166 --> 00:22:34,166
[gasps]
533
00:22:34,916 --> 00:22:35,916
[door unlocks]
534
00:22:37,250 --> 00:22:38,500
[both scream]
535
00:22:38,750 --> 00:22:40,541
- [panting]
- Russell!
536
00:22:40,916 --> 00:22:42,333
Oh. Hey, Alan.
537
00:22:42,416 --> 00:22:43,458
How'd you get in my room?
538
00:22:43,541 --> 00:22:45,875
I just told the hotel manager
we were brothers. [chuckles]
539
00:22:45,958 --> 00:22:47,838
Of course he believed me,
'cause we're twinsies.
540
00:22:47,875 --> 00:22:48,875
[scoffs]
541
00:22:49,375 --> 00:22:50,833
What are you even doing here?
542
00:22:52,500 --> 00:22:53,708
Well, good news.
543
00:22:53,791 --> 00:22:57,125
I decided to join you on this excursion
to find our siblings. [chuckles]
544
00:22:57,458 --> 00:22:59,208
Oh! Uh...
545
00:22:59,291 --> 00:23:02,833
Well, I wasn't really expectin'
any company. Sorry.
546
00:23:02,916 --> 00:23:05,125
[Russell] Alan, my mother just died.
547
00:23:05,458 --> 00:23:08,000
This trip may be the only thing
to help me recover
548
00:23:08,083 --> 00:23:10,333
from the greatest tragedy
of my young life.
549
00:23:10,416 --> 00:23:12,041
[cries] Please?
550
00:23:12,541 --> 00:23:13,541
I brought cereal.
551
00:23:15,125 --> 00:23:16,125
Fine.
552
00:23:16,375 --> 00:23:17,250
Let's do it.
553
00:23:17,333 --> 00:23:18,250
Really?
554
00:23:18,333 --> 00:23:20,583
Tomorrow, we head out on a road trip.
555
00:23:20,916 --> 00:23:22,583
Okay-dokay.
556
00:23:22,666 --> 00:23:25,500
Give us some time to really,
you know, bro down.
557
00:23:25,583 --> 00:23:26,583
“Bro down”?
558
00:23:26,750 --> 00:23:29,125
Did you just try
to turn a noun into a verb?
559
00:23:29,958 --> 00:23:31,833
Yeah, I... I guess.
560
00:23:31,916 --> 00:23:34,083
That's grammatically incorrect.
561
00:23:34,458 --> 00:23:36,125
[bed rattles]
562
00:23:38,416 --> 00:23:40,166
Goodnight, Alan. Wanna cuddle?
563
00:23:40,916 --> 00:23:43,833
[screams] Hey, man, you're naked!
The hell?
564
00:23:43,916 --> 00:23:45,375
Of course. I sleep in the nude.
565
00:23:45,666 --> 00:23:47,500
I'm very comfortable with my body.
566
00:23:47,916 --> 00:23:49,375
The buck is beautiful.
567
00:23:49,916 --> 00:23:52,333
Besides, it really helps
with night sweats. [chuckles]
568
00:23:52,416 --> 00:23:53,976
You don't want me to have night sweats.
569
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:57,708
I'll have this mattress floatin' around
like an old raft after a hurricane.
570
00:23:57,916 --> 00:23:59,500
Usually there's a dog on top.
571
00:23:59,750 --> 00:24:01,166
It's all wet and dirty.
572
00:24:01,250 --> 00:24:03,041
Boy, if you don't put
some damn clothes on...
573
00:24:03,125 --> 00:24:06,583
Fine. Obviously, somebody's insecure
about their manhood.
574
00:24:06,666 --> 00:24:08,916
You're lucky I brought my PJs, Alan.
[scoffs]
575
00:24:09,500 --> 00:24:11,125
Oh, wow!
576
00:24:11,625 --> 00:24:16,375
Russell, did you know Alabama
has nearly 600 miles of coastline?
577
00:24:16,708 --> 00:24:18,958
I bet you Dawn has a big house
on the beach.
578
00:24:19,041 --> 00:24:21,250
This may not be obvious, Alan, but...
579
00:24:21,666 --> 00:24:23,208
this is my first sleepover.
580
00:24:23,291 --> 00:24:24,416
No!
581
00:24:24,500 --> 00:24:25,375
Seriously.
582
00:24:25,458 --> 00:24:28,750
Come on. I guess we could share the bed,
now that you got some drawers on.
583
00:24:28,833 --> 00:24:29,916
- Come on.
- Ooh-wee!
584
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:31,958
Yeah, I got my Underoos. Come on!
585
00:24:32,375 --> 00:24:34,226
- Let's go, Alan!
- Hey! Hey, what are you doing?
586
00:24:34,250 --> 00:24:36,708
We never got to do this as kids. Come on!
587
00:24:36,791 --> 00:24:38,541
Fine, but just for a little while.
588
00:24:38,625 --> 00:24:39,875
Then we gotta go to bed.
589
00:24:39,958 --> 00:24:43,333
Come on! I betcha I jump higher than you!
I bet I can jump higher than you, Alan!
590
00:24:43,416 --> 00:24:44,708
[laughs]
591
00:24:44,791 --> 00:24:47,708
- Look at this. I'm runnin' in the air. Mm.
- Hey!
592
00:24:47,791 --> 00:24:49,125
This is kind of fun!
593
00:24:49,208 --> 00:24:50,750
- I told...
- Oh!
594
00:24:52,125 --> 00:24:52,958
Huh? Uh-oh.
595
00:24:53,041 --> 00:24:54,708
[chuckles] Thank God, Mom's dead.
596
00:24:54,791 --> 00:24:56,666
We surely would've got a spanking
for that one.
597
00:24:56,750 --> 00:24:58,708
- Now, I know your big behind...
- [grunts]
598
00:24:59,166 --> 00:25:00,208
Pillow fight!
599
00:25:00,291 --> 00:25:02,291
- Oh! Oh, you want a pillow fight? Okay!
- [grunts]
600
00:25:02,375 --> 00:25:03,625
- [grunts]
- All right! Yeah!
601
00:25:03,708 --> 00:25:04,958
- Okay.
- That was a low blow!
602
00:25:05,041 --> 00:25:06,791
- You want a pillow fight?
- [mocking laugh]
603
00:25:06,875 --> 00:25:08,958
[grunts] Okay, that was good.
604
00:25:09,291 --> 00:25:10,875
Oh! You got some power on you,
605
00:25:10,958 --> 00:25:12,125
- huh, big boy?
- [chuckles]
606
00:25:12,541 --> 00:25:14,375
- [grunts] Take that!
- [grunts]
607
00:25:14,458 --> 00:25:15,625
- Take that!
- [grunts]
608
00:25:15,708 --> 00:25:17,748
- You're a nice, big target.
- Show me what you got!
609
00:25:17,791 --> 00:25:18,666
[grunts]
610
00:25:18,750 --> 00:25:19,583
[laughs]
611
00:25:19,666 --> 00:25:22,166
Now, that's how you pillow fight!
612
00:25:25,541 --> 00:25:28,208
Now, that wasn't really nice of you, Alan.
613
00:25:28,291 --> 00:25:31,875
You know, maybe we shouldn't pillow fight.
It's still dangerous. It's fightin'!
614
00:25:31,958 --> 00:25:32,958
[grunts]
615
00:25:33,208 --> 00:25:34,208
[grunts]
616
00:25:35,666 --> 00:25:36,750
[chuckles]
617
00:25:36,833 --> 00:25:37,875
[groans]
618
00:25:37,958 --> 00:25:40,750
You know what?
Sleepovers are a lot of fun. [chuckles]
619
00:25:40,833 --> 00:25:42,958
I can't wait to see what happens
tomorrow night.
620
00:25:43,041 --> 00:25:44,916
Yeah. Tomorrow.
621
00:25:45,208 --> 00:25:46,208
[groans]
622
00:25:46,750 --> 00:25:48,250
[upbeat music plays]
623
00:25:48,333 --> 00:25:51,375
- [Alan] So long, Branford.
- [Russell] Arrivederci, Branford.
624
00:25:51,458 --> 00:25:53,750
[sniffs] And they thought I'd never leave.
625
00:25:54,500 --> 00:25:55,833
Proved them wrong. [chuckles]
626
00:25:56,250 --> 00:25:58,375
- Who?
- Oh, the naysayers.
627
00:25:58,666 --> 00:26:01,416
- Oh.
- My teachers, my doctor,
628
00:26:01,500 --> 00:26:03,416
the butcher, the baker,
629
00:26:03,500 --> 00:26:05,375
the sixth grade crossing guard,
630
00:26:05,458 --> 00:26:07,041
the sheriff, the deputy,
631
00:26:07,125 --> 00:26:08,375
Mom's OB-GYN.
632
00:26:08,458 --> 00:26:11,250
- Oh, goddamn.
- [Russell] That's pretty much everybody.
633
00:26:11,916 --> 00:26:13,000
So...
634
00:26:13,666 --> 00:26:15,546
- [munching]
- Tell me something about yourself.
635
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:17,541
For what possible purpose?
636
00:26:17,875 --> 00:26:20,166
What are you, the IRS? [laughs]
637
00:26:20,250 --> 00:26:21,250
How about this?
638
00:26:21,500 --> 00:26:23,291
What's your earliest memory of Mom?
639
00:26:23,375 --> 00:26:25,333
She forced me to eat
an avocado, the hussy.
640
00:26:25,416 --> 00:26:27,750
- Okay.
- It was disgusting, as you might imagine.
641
00:26:27,833 --> 00:26:30,208
- [laughs]
- Tastes like soft-boiled Silly Putty.
642
00:26:30,291 --> 00:26:32,166
That's something we have in common.
643
00:26:32,250 --> 00:26:34,291
I hate avocados, too.
644
00:26:34,666 --> 00:26:35,500
Great.
645
00:26:35,583 --> 00:26:36,583
You like TV shows?
646
00:26:36,666 --> 00:26:40,041
How about we sing
our favorite TV show theme song?
647
00:26:40,458 --> 00:26:42,375
Ooh, how about we don't?
648
00:26:42,458 --> 00:26:46,750
♪ Now the world don't move
To the beat of just one drum ♪
649
00:26:46,833 --> 00:26:48,583
♪ What might be right for you ♪
650
00:26:48,666 --> 00:26:50,583
♪ May not be right for some ♪
651
00:26:50,666 --> 00:26:52,333
♪ A man is born ♪
652
00:26:52,416 --> 00:26:54,333
♪ He's a man of means ♪
653
00:26:54,416 --> 00:26:56,208
♪ Then along comes two ♪
654
00:26:56,291 --> 00:26:58,000
♪ They got nothing but jeans ♪
655
00:26:58,083 --> 00:26:58,916
♪ They got ♪
656
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:00,000
♪ Diff'rent Strokes ♪
657
00:27:00,083 --> 00:27:01,083
♪ It takes ♪
658
00:27:01,166 --> 00:27:02,291
♪ Diff'rent Strokes ♪
659
00:27:02,375 --> 00:27:03,250
♪ It takes ♪
660
00:27:03,333 --> 00:27:06,333
♪ Diff'rent Strokes to move the world ♪
661
00:27:06,416 --> 00:27:07,625
♪ Mmm ♪
662
00:27:07,708 --> 00:27:08,541
[Russell chuckles]
663
00:27:08,625 --> 00:27:10,208
I was a big fan of Diff'rent Strokes.
664
00:27:10,291 --> 00:27:11,541
Oh, I got one, I got one.
665
00:27:11,833 --> 00:27:13,791
[vocalizing]
666
00:27:17,708 --> 00:27:19,541
What? Come on,
that's the M♪A♪S♪H♪ theme song!
667
00:27:19,833 --> 00:27:20,916
Makes me sleepy.
668
00:27:21,291 --> 00:27:24,458
Al right. I just thought it'd be good
to play some theme songs.
669
00:27:24,750 --> 00:27:26,625
Yeah, I got some good commercial jingles...
670
00:27:26,708 --> 00:27:28,125
- [wind blowing]
- [snoring]
671
00:27:30,083 --> 00:27:32,517
♪ Heard they tryin' to steal the wave
Cut it out, cut it out ♪
672
00:27:32,541 --> 00:27:34,750
♪ Spicy mamis on the way
Bust it down, bust it down ♪
673
00:27:34,833 --> 00:27:37,375
♪ Saw my watch
She love the way I flood it out, ay ♪
674
00:27:37,458 --> 00:27:38,375
♪ Talk to me nice ♪
675
00:27:38,458 --> 00:27:40,291
♪ Show you what these Bentley 'bout
Whoa ♪
676
00:27:40,375 --> 00:27:41,208
♪ Pipe down ♪
677
00:27:41,291 --> 00:27:42,208
[turns off music]
678
00:27:42,291 --> 00:27:43,291
Russell.
679
00:27:43,666 --> 00:27:45,000
- Russell! Hey.
- Hmm?
680
00:27:45,750 --> 00:27:47,625
I need you to drive. I'm gettin' tired.
681
00:27:47,708 --> 00:27:49,416
Yeah, I don't think so.
682
00:27:49,500 --> 00:27:51,083
- What? Why not?
- [Russell] 'Cause...
683
00:27:51,166 --> 00:27:54,875
I have no interest in assuming legal
responsibility for someone else's vehicle.
684
00:27:54,958 --> 00:27:55,791
Seriously?
685
00:27:55,875 --> 00:27:57,500
Also, I don't know how to drive.
686
00:27:57,583 --> 00:28:00,291
[laughing] You don't know how to drive?
Get outta here!
687
00:28:00,375 --> 00:28:02,708
Truth be told,
I've always wanted to learn,
688
00:28:02,791 --> 00:28:06,166
so I could one day
speed stylish down the road,
689
00:28:06,250 --> 00:28:09,791
in a gold '76 Pontiac Firebird Esprit.
690
00:28:10,250 --> 00:28:13,166
The same vehicle
owned by James Scott...
691
00:28:13,250 --> 00:28:14,166
Rockford!
692
00:28:14,250 --> 00:28:16,333
In The Rockford Files!
Man, that was my show!
693
00:28:16,416 --> 00:28:18,166
Oh, I love The Rockford Files!
694
00:28:18,250 --> 00:28:19,976
- Yo, that car was sick.
- [Russell] The best.
695
00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:23,166
You know, I own a copy of the original
operator's manual for the car.
696
00:28:23,250 --> 00:28:24,370
- [Alan] Really?
- [chuckles]
697
00:28:24,416 --> 00:28:26,458
I've read it a dozen times or something.
698
00:28:26,541 --> 00:28:27,583
[Alan inhales deeply]
699
00:28:27,666 --> 00:28:28,708
All right.
700
00:28:28,791 --> 00:28:29,791
Well, Russell...
701
00:28:30,125 --> 00:28:32,416
I'mma pull over right here, 'cause, uh...
702
00:28:32,833 --> 00:28:33,833
I'm tired.
703
00:28:35,625 --> 00:28:36,875
Gonna get some Z's.
704
00:28:37,458 --> 00:28:40,708
[Russell] Hmm, strange.
I don't see no hotel around here, Alan.
705
00:28:40,791 --> 00:28:42,916
[Alan] Because there isn't one, Russell.
706
00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:44,041
[owl hoots]
Tomorrow...
707
00:28:44,125 --> 00:28:46,250
I'm gonna give you
your first driving lesson.
708
00:28:46,333 --> 00:28:47,416
How's that, huh?
709
00:28:47,500 --> 00:28:48,500
[Russell] Hmm...
710
00:28:49,666 --> 00:28:51,125
You positive this is safe?
711
00:28:51,833 --> 00:28:53,166
Yeah, it's safe.
712
00:28:53,250 --> 00:28:56,833
Listen, we're family.
You got my back and I got yours, right?
713
00:28:56,916 --> 00:28:58,041
I don't know, Alan.
714
00:28:58,458 --> 00:29:00,958
[scoffs] You're not exactly
the family I wanted.
715
00:29:01,333 --> 00:29:03,000
Yeah, well, I'm all the family you got.
716
00:29:03,083 --> 00:29:05,541
You sound like the ending
of a cheesy sitcom.
717
00:29:05,625 --> 00:29:07,833
Oh, my God. Do you ever stop talking?
718
00:29:07,916 --> 00:29:09,541
- Sometimes.
- Go to bed.
719
00:29:09,625 --> 00:29:12,708
- Um, if I had some warm milk or something.
- Start countin' cereal boxes.
720
00:29:12,791 --> 00:29:13,791
That's a good idea.
721
00:29:14,958 --> 00:29:17,208
- [Alan exhales]
- One Lucky Charm.
722
00:29:17,875 --> 00:29:19,958
- [owl hoots]
- Mmm. Two Cap'n Crunch...
723
00:29:20,541 --> 00:29:21,916
Three Froot Loops.
724
00:29:22,791 --> 00:29:24,000
[birds chirping]
725
00:29:24,583 --> 00:29:25,916
[groans]
726
00:29:27,541 --> 00:29:29,041
Hey, Russell, what time is it?
727
00:29:30,916 --> 00:29:31,916
Russell?
728
00:29:33,625 --> 00:29:34,625
What the hell?
729
00:29:48,083 --> 00:29:49,541
Russell!
730
00:29:54,666 --> 00:29:55,666
[scoffs]
731
00:29:55,833 --> 00:29:56,833
[grunting]
732
00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:01,000
Russell!
733
00:30:01,458 --> 00:30:02,583
What are you doing?
734
00:30:03,208 --> 00:30:04,833
[panting]
735
00:30:07,000 --> 00:30:10,125
Why are you runnin' like Rerun
from What's Happening?
736
00:30:10,833 --> 00:30:13,041
- We should go now.
- [Alan] Where are we goin'?
737
00:30:13,541 --> 00:30:14,916
What are you runnin' from?
738
00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:17,333
I think I'm ready
for that driver's lesson now.
739
00:30:21,958 --> 00:30:23,541
Oh, no!
740
00:30:24,458 --> 00:30:26,541
My brand new Stan Smiths!
741
00:30:27,250 --> 00:30:29,416
You should get in the car.
742
00:30:29,500 --> 00:30:30,500
You said what?
743
00:30:30,750 --> 00:30:31,750
Sounds like...
744
00:30:32,208 --> 00:30:33,708
moo!
745
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:36,166
What? This is some bull...
746
00:30:36,250 --> 00:30:38,041
[bellows]
747
00:30:39,291 --> 00:30:40,458
...shit.
748
00:30:41,583 --> 00:30:42,958
[bellows]
749
00:30:43,041 --> 00:30:44,041
Oh.
750
00:30:44,583 --> 00:30:46,541
- Oh.
- [bellows]
751
00:30:46,625 --> 00:30:47,458
[shudders]
752
00:30:47,541 --> 00:30:48,375
[snorts]
753
00:30:48,458 --> 00:30:49,500
[bellows]
754
00:30:49,583 --> 00:30:52,750
How now, brown cow! Whoa!
755
00:30:52,833 --> 00:30:54,125
- [bull bellows]
- [screams]
756
00:30:55,166 --> 00:30:56,791
Open the door! Open the door!
757
00:30:57,041 --> 00:30:58,750
- Russell! Open the door!
- [bellows]
758
00:30:59,208 --> 00:31:01,291
Pop the handle! Pop the handle!
759
00:31:01,666 --> 00:31:02,666
[grunting]
760
00:31:02,750 --> 00:31:03,833
[screams] Open!
761
00:31:04,291 --> 00:31:06,625
I am bewildered
by this vehicle's technology.
762
00:31:06,708 --> 00:31:08,041
[Alan] Open the door, Russell!
763
00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:10,125
[bellows]
764
00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:12,833
- Oh!
- [grunts]
765
00:31:12,916 --> 00:31:13,916
Toro!
766
00:31:15,833 --> 00:31:17,708
- [bellows]
- Oh! [screams]
767
00:31:17,791 --> 00:31:19,000
- Stop it!
- [honks horn]
768
00:31:19,083 --> 00:31:19,916
Stop it!
769
00:31:20,000 --> 00:31:20,916
[honking]
770
00:31:21,000 --> 00:31:22,208
[bellows]
771
00:31:22,291 --> 00:31:23,625
You need to chill out.
772
00:31:24,250 --> 00:31:25,250
Oh!
773
00:31:25,458 --> 00:31:26,916
[bellowing]
774
00:31:27,708 --> 00:31:29,500
Bro, if you don't pop the goddamn lock...
775
00:31:29,583 --> 00:31:31,291
I don't see a key!
776
00:31:31,375 --> 00:31:32,833
I got the key! I got the key!
777
00:31:33,458 --> 00:31:34,625
[car unlocks]
778
00:31:34,708 --> 00:31:36,666
Ah! I think your car is possessed!
779
00:31:36,750 --> 00:31:37,750
- [bellows]
- [screams]
780
00:31:38,083 --> 00:31:39,750
- [bellows]
- [screams]
781
00:31:40,750 --> 00:31:41,750
Oh!
782
00:31:42,208 --> 00:31:43,583
Whoa! Oh!
783
00:31:43,666 --> 00:31:44,666
What do we do now?
784
00:31:44,750 --> 00:31:45,583
Press the brake!
785
00:31:45,666 --> 00:31:46,708
Okay, brake. Pedal.
786
00:31:46,791 --> 00:31:48,250
- Pedal, pedal...
- [screams]
787
00:31:48,333 --> 00:31:49,333
Okay, now what?
788
00:31:49,375 --> 00:31:50,250
Put it in drive!
789
00:31:50,333 --> 00:31:51,625
Put it in drive. Okay.
790
00:31:51,708 --> 00:31:54,708
- Press the gas. Lightly.
- Okay. Lightly.
791
00:31:54,791 --> 00:31:57,125
- [engine revs]
- [screams]
792
00:32:00,416 --> 00:32:01,416
[bellows]
793
00:32:01,791 --> 00:32:03,500
What did you do to piss off a bull?
794
00:32:03,583 --> 00:32:07,125
I was just trying to get some milk
for my cereal and I pulled its teat!
795
00:32:07,708 --> 00:32:09,666
- [bellows]
- [both scream]
796
00:32:11,583 --> 00:32:12,833
Watch, watch!
797
00:32:13,333 --> 00:32:14,750
[both clamoring]
798
00:32:15,333 --> 00:32:16,875
[both scream]
799
00:32:23,166 --> 00:32:24,166
["Say You, Say Me" plays]
800
00:32:24,250 --> 00:32:28,000
♪ Say you, say me ♪
801
00:32:29,750 --> 00:32:31,875
♪ Say it for always ♪
802
00:32:33,916 --> 00:32:36,541
♪ That's the way it should be ♪
803
00:32:39,125 --> 00:32:43,291
- [crunching]
- ♪ Say you, say me ♪
804
00:32:44,583 --> 00:32:47,125
- [crunching]
- ♪ Say it together ♪
805
00:32:50,458 --> 00:32:51,791
[both scream]
806
00:32:53,750 --> 00:32:54,666
Oh!
807
00:32:54,750 --> 00:32:55,666
Wow.
808
00:32:55,750 --> 00:32:56,750
[Russell pants]
809
00:32:57,833 --> 00:32:59,713
So, it was a good lesson.
You wanna do it again?
810
00:32:59,791 --> 00:33:01,500
[upbeat music plays]
811
00:33:01,583 --> 00:33:03,625
[car squeaking and rattling]
812
00:33:13,458 --> 00:33:16,375
I think this is a different big house
than the one you imagined.
813
00:33:16,458 --> 00:33:18,833
Are you certain
this is the correct address?
814
00:33:21,166 --> 00:33:22,041
[buzzer sounds]
815
00:33:22,125 --> 00:33:23,291
[gate closes]
816
00:33:23,375 --> 00:33:24,833
[people chattering]
817
00:33:30,125 --> 00:33:32,045
[woman over police radio]
Three-thirteen, I copy.
818
00:33:32,083 --> 00:33:33,125
[gate closes]
819
00:33:35,541 --> 00:33:36,916
[buzzer sounds]
820
00:33:38,375 --> 00:33:41,250
- [woman] Turn around.
- [Dawn] You stealin' on me for no reason.
821
00:33:41,333 --> 00:33:43,541
[Dawn] You gonna stop
stealin' on me like this.
822
00:33:43,625 --> 00:33:45,375
Don't put your frickin' hands...
823
00:33:45,458 --> 00:33:48,916
Don't put your hands on me, Deidra.
Don't put your hands on me.
824
00:33:49,791 --> 00:33:51,875
You gonna stop
with this light-skinned privilege.
825
00:33:51,958 --> 00:33:55,375
Just 'cause you got a badge and gun
don't make you no better than me.
826
00:33:55,750 --> 00:33:58,500
Ooh, that's your mama? You better
put some money on my books.
827
00:33:58,583 --> 00:33:59,916
I'mma whoop your daughter's ass.
828
00:34:00,000 --> 00:34:01,517
- [woman] Dawn.
- Call that black bitch!
829
00:34:01,541 --> 00:34:03,416
You gon' get your ass kicked.
830
00:34:03,500 --> 00:34:05,541
Dawn, let these people enjoy their family.
831
00:34:05,625 --> 00:34:07,375
So, anyway...
832
00:34:08,625 --> 00:34:11,416
This better be good,
'cause you cuttin' into my yard time.
833
00:34:11,500 --> 00:34:14,875
The guard over there say you my brother.
Is that for real, for real?
834
00:34:16,583 --> 00:34:17,458
Um...
835
00:34:17,541 --> 00:34:21,000
Well, yeah. I mean...
I got the birth certificate to prove it.
836
00:34:21,500 --> 00:34:22,500
[Dawn] Hmm.
837
00:34:24,250 --> 00:34:25,250
I'm Alan.
838
00:34:25,583 --> 00:34:27,083
[scoffs] No.
839
00:34:27,625 --> 00:34:28,625
I don't know you.
840
00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:30,541
Okay. Nice... Nice to meet you.
841
00:34:30,625 --> 00:34:32,458
[stammers]
That's your other brother, Russell.
842
00:34:33,125 --> 00:34:35,583
- Hi.
- Oh, hell to the no.
843
00:34:35,916 --> 00:34:36,916
Mm-mm.
844
00:34:37,041 --> 00:34:40,291
He must've came from the defected
testicles. That's not my brother.
845
00:34:40,625 --> 00:34:41,625
Now, you and I,
846
00:34:41,666 --> 00:34:42,833
we do look alike.
847
00:34:42,916 --> 00:34:44,625
Like, I see the resemblance.
848
00:34:44,708 --> 00:34:46,208
Like, this is uncanny.
849
00:34:46,291 --> 00:34:48,750
I... I don't...
I don't see the resemblance at all.
850
00:34:49,125 --> 00:34:51,166
This is like lookin' in the mirror.
851
00:34:51,666 --> 00:34:53,166
But more like a funhouse mirror,
852
00:34:53,250 --> 00:34:55,208
'cause, you know,
I'm voluptuous and beautiful...
853
00:34:55,291 --> 00:34:57,166
[inhales] and you scrawny.
854
00:34:57,250 --> 00:34:58,250
But you buff.
855
00:34:58,333 --> 00:34:59,708
So, you like a crackhead
856
00:35:00,208 --> 00:35:03,083
that put down the crack pipe
and picked up a weight.
857
00:35:03,791 --> 00:35:04,958
Oh, okay.
858
00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:07,875
[coin rattles]
859
00:35:08,333 --> 00:35:09,416
Mm, mm.
860
00:35:09,708 --> 00:35:11,583
[vending machine running]
861
00:35:11,666 --> 00:35:12,708
Come to Daddy.
862
00:35:17,291 --> 00:35:18,541
Oh, come on.
863
00:35:18,833 --> 00:35:19,833
[banging]
864
00:35:20,166 --> 00:35:21,333
Where're my smokes?
865
00:35:22,750 --> 00:35:25,000
- I didn't... I didn't bring any smo...
- Oh, hell, no!
866
00:35:25,083 --> 00:35:26,833
I know you did not
867
00:35:27,041 --> 00:35:30,541
show up to a prison
without no damn smokes!
868
00:35:30,625 --> 00:35:32,833
Oh, that's like goin'
to the Boom Boom Room
869
00:35:32,916 --> 00:35:34,291
and not bringin' singles!
870
00:35:34,625 --> 00:35:37,375
Ain't nobody gonna rub
on your little cling-clong for free.
871
00:35:40,083 --> 00:35:41,083
My dude.
872
00:35:41,125 --> 00:35:42,000
[Alan] Russell!
873
00:35:42,083 --> 00:35:44,683
The guards did a full pat-down.
How the hell you get that in here?
874
00:35:44,750 --> 00:35:48,291
Well, in the World War II prison comedy
Hogan's Heroes,
875
00:35:48,375 --> 00:35:49,583
Colonel Hogan once duped
876
00:35:49,666 --> 00:35:51,583
the buffoonish Sergeant Schultz
877
00:35:51,666 --> 00:35:54,625
by hiding a monkey wrench
way deep in his anus...
878
00:35:54,708 --> 00:35:55,875
Y-You know what?
879
00:35:55,958 --> 00:35:58,541
- Way up there by undigested food.
- [groans]
880
00:35:58,625 --> 00:36:00,333
I-I get the point Thank you.
881
00:36:00,416 --> 00:36:01,958
Be quiet! Damn!
882
00:36:02,041 --> 00:36:03,721
Ooh, you lucky you didn't grow up with me.
883
00:36:03,750 --> 00:36:05,934
- I swear I would have beat your ass.
- [blows raspberry]
884
00:36:05,958 --> 00:36:08,375
You smell that?
That's a high wipe. He stink.
885
00:36:08,541 --> 00:36:10,666
So, uh... Dawn.
886
00:36:10,916 --> 00:36:13,333
Boom Boom Room?
So... so, you're a stripper?
887
00:36:13,416 --> 00:36:14,333
What the hell?
888
00:36:14,416 --> 00:36:15,291
- [gasps]
- A stripper
889
00:36:15,375 --> 00:36:16,916
and exotic dancer are different.
890
00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:18,916
- So get your life right, boo.
- My bad.
891
00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:23,625
An exotic dancer incorporate years
of hard dance trainin'
892
00:36:23,833 --> 00:36:25,416
into her whole routine.
893
00:36:25,500 --> 00:36:26,916
- Yeah.
- She take all her years
894
00:36:27,000 --> 00:36:29,791
of what she learned
on the horizontal pole,
895
00:36:29,958 --> 00:36:32,541
and she just bring it
to the vertical pole
896
00:36:32,625 --> 00:36:36,208
and add a little bit of this to it,
and add a little bit of this.
897
00:36:36,291 --> 00:36:39,291
- Please, don't... don't do that.
- You see this? Here, here, here.
898
00:36:39,375 --> 00:36:41,250
Shift, shift, shift. Pla, pla.
899
00:36:41,333 --> 00:36:43,125
Plié, relevé, ass on face.
900
00:36:43,208 --> 00:36:45,000
Plié, relevé, ass on face.
901
00:36:45,083 --> 00:36:46,875
[Alan and Dawn] Plié, relevé, ass on face.
902
00:36:46,958 --> 00:36:48,458
Sashay! Sashay!
903
00:36:48,666 --> 00:36:49,583
Ass on face.
904
00:36:49,666 --> 00:36:50,666
- Oh!
- [Dawn] See?
905
00:36:50,833 --> 00:36:52,041
That's how it get down.
906
00:36:52,250 --> 00:36:55,791
So, you go get your education right,
boo-boo.
907
00:36:56,250 --> 00:36:57,250
Uh, okay.
908
00:37:02,958 --> 00:37:05,000
[effort grunts]
909
00:37:05,791 --> 00:37:07,583
Uh... here's some good news.
910
00:37:08,041 --> 00:37:09,081
You're gonna be an auntie.
911
00:37:09,458 --> 00:37:10,291
[gasps]
912
00:37:10,375 --> 00:37:13,458
Yes! My wife is pregnant,
and she's gonna be giving birth
913
00:37:13,541 --> 00:37:15,375
- in a couple weeks.
- Are you serious?
914
00:37:16,125 --> 00:37:17,583
That just warms my heart.
915
00:37:17,666 --> 00:37:19,000
[sniffles] Is it yours?
916
00:37:19,458 --> 00:37:21,708
- What? Yeah. Yeah, it's mine!
- [Dawn] Hmm.
917
00:37:22,000 --> 00:37:23,666
Sound a little suspect to me.
918
00:37:23,750 --> 00:37:24,875
These hoes be out here.
919
00:37:24,958 --> 00:37:25,958
Okurr?
920
00:37:27,125 --> 00:37:28,500
[breathes heavily]
921
00:37:29,000 --> 00:37:30,083
[screams]
922
00:37:30,166 --> 00:37:31,208
[effort grunt]
923
00:37:31,291 --> 00:37:32,791
[panting] [grunts]
924
00:37:33,041 --> 00:37:34,958
[gasping]
925
00:37:39,791 --> 00:37:40,791
[grunts]
926
00:37:41,166 --> 00:37:43,958
You know, this just make me think
about my babies, you know.
927
00:37:44,041 --> 00:37:45,708
Oh, really? You... You have children?
928
00:37:46,000 --> 00:37:46,833
Mm-hmm.
929
00:37:46,916 --> 00:37:49,642
And I think about them. There ain't
nothin' I wouldn't do for my kids.
930
00:37:49,666 --> 00:37:50,708
I would commit murder!
931
00:37:51,333 --> 00:37:54,708
Violent murder!
I'd shiv somebody so hard!
932
00:37:55,291 --> 00:37:57,083
- So sweet of you.
- Murder!
933
00:37:57,166 --> 00:37:59,916
You know, nothin' says "I love you"
like a...
934
00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:01,750
little old-fashioned murder, right?
935
00:38:01,833 --> 00:38:03,500
And you know what? You family.
936
00:38:03,958 --> 00:38:05,958
So I would do the same for you.
937
00:38:06,041 --> 00:38:08,666
[stutters] And I feel the same way
about you.
938
00:38:08,750 --> 00:38:10,125
Minus the murder.
939
00:38:11,208 --> 00:38:13,916
[effort grunts]
940
00:38:14,250 --> 00:38:15,416
[snoring]
941
00:38:21,333 --> 00:38:24,125
You know, there is somethin'
that maybe you can...
942
00:38:24,416 --> 00:38:26,625
- You know what? No.
- Dawn, stop.
943
00:38:26,916 --> 00:38:27,916
You sure?
944
00:38:28,166 --> 00:38:29,208
- [banging]
- [grunts]
945
00:38:30,291 --> 00:38:31,291
[spitting]
946
00:38:36,416 --> 00:38:38,000
[effort grunts]
947
00:38:38,083 --> 00:38:39,083
Um...
948
00:38:39,541 --> 00:38:43,166
I just need a little help
with, like, a little bit of bail money.
949
00:38:44,000 --> 00:38:45,000
Oh.
950
00:38:45,125 --> 00:38:46,125
Well, how...
951
00:38:46,208 --> 00:38:48,250
[stammering] How much help do you need?
952
00:38:48,333 --> 00:38:49,375
Just crumbs.
953
00:38:49,458 --> 00:38:50,458
Come here.
954
00:38:51,791 --> 00:38:53,416
[whispers] Ten thousand dollars.
955
00:38:53,500 --> 00:38:54,500
[gasps]
956
00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:56,041
Oh, goddamn!
957
00:38:56,291 --> 00:38:57,811
Oh, you gonna help me?
Oh, my goodness!
958
00:38:57,875 --> 00:38:58,995
- You so sweet!
- Contraband!
959
00:38:59,416 --> 00:39:02,791
- Contraband? He got contraband!
- What? No, wait! I ain't got...
960
00:39:02,875 --> 00:39:03,708
Hold up!
961
00:39:03,791 --> 00:39:04,958
[Dawn] He's got contraband!
962
00:39:05,041 --> 00:39:06,500
[all shouting indistinctly]
963
00:39:06,583 --> 00:39:07,458
[alarm buzzing]
964
00:39:07,541 --> 00:39:08,666
Hold up, hold up.
965
00:39:14,125 --> 00:39:15,208
Get off me, yo!
966
00:39:15,750 --> 00:39:18,083
Shame about that contraband, huh?
[whistling]
967
00:39:18,166 --> 00:39:19,333
[Dawn] That wasn't me!
968
00:39:19,416 --> 00:39:20,458
Ten grand?!
969
00:39:20,541 --> 00:39:22,791
Alan, are you nuts?
You don't even know her!
970
00:39:23,291 --> 00:39:25,583
She's my sister, you know? She's family.
971
00:39:25,666 --> 00:39:28,791
[scoffs] Who was in jail for assault!
972
00:39:28,875 --> 00:39:29,958
Allegedly.
973
00:39:30,291 --> 00:39:32,750
And Dawn says it was a mishappenstance.
974
00:39:32,833 --> 00:39:34,541
I... I don't think that's a word.
975
00:39:34,625 --> 00:39:36,416
It was just an aggressive lap dance.
976
00:39:36,500 --> 00:39:37,500
Fine.
977
00:39:37,791 --> 00:39:38,666
Um...
978
00:39:38,750 --> 00:39:41,250
Before I hit the road,
did you find out anything on Jaspar?
979
00:39:41,333 --> 00:39:43,500
Oh! You know what? I actually did.
980
00:39:43,583 --> 00:39:44,583
Um...
981
00:39:44,833 --> 00:39:46,125
Let me see. Um...
982
00:39:46,208 --> 00:39:48,125
He went to Oxford,
983
00:39:48,208 --> 00:39:49,291
then MIT,
984
00:39:49,375 --> 00:39:50,791
and then he went dark.
985
00:39:50,875 --> 00:39:53,750
I left a couple messages
for a law school friend at the Pentagon.
986
00:39:53,833 --> 00:39:55,500
I'll try the State Department next.
987
00:39:55,791 --> 00:39:58,041
Girl, you doin' a whole lot better
than I did.
988
00:39:58,166 --> 00:39:59,791
I got nothin' on Baby Pete,
989
00:40:00,041 --> 00:40:01,958
and still no response from Ethan.
990
00:40:02,041 --> 00:40:03,333
I gave him all my info.
991
00:40:03,416 --> 00:40:04,750
Nothin'. Just crickets.
992
00:40:05,125 --> 00:40:08,000
[sighs] You know, this is harder
than I thought it was gonna be.
993
00:40:08,083 --> 00:40:09,083
[sighs]
994
00:40:09,291 --> 00:40:10,291
Alan...
995
00:40:10,625 --> 00:40:13,208
I know you're trying
to find your family, but...
996
00:40:14,000 --> 00:40:15,666
I thought you'd be home by now.
997
00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:17,833
I mean, what if the baby comes early?
998
00:40:17,916 --> 00:40:19,208
[Alan] I'll be there, okay?
999
00:40:19,291 --> 00:40:21,708
Nothing will stop me
from being there. Nothing.
1000
00:40:21,791 --> 00:40:24,666
But just a reminder,
the breastfeeding class is tomorrow,
1001
00:40:24,750 --> 00:40:26,541
and it's the last one
before the baby comes.
1002
00:40:26,625 --> 00:40:30,125
Then, I'll just drop Dawn off,
and... I'll head home.
1003
00:40:30,541 --> 00:40:31,375
Okay?
1004
00:40:31,458 --> 00:40:33,083
- [buzzer sounds]
- It's been real.
1005
00:40:33,541 --> 00:40:36,708
I am free!
1006
00:40:37,250 --> 00:40:38,916
Bye, bitches!
1007
00:40:39,000 --> 00:40:41,708
Oh, I am so glad I got bailed out.
1008
00:40:41,791 --> 00:40:43,541
I was about El Chapo this bitch.
1009
00:40:44,041 --> 00:40:47,333
- Oh, my God! It feels so good...
- What in the Real Housewives of Atlanta
1010
00:40:47,416 --> 00:40:48,416
is this?
1011
00:40:48,708 --> 00:40:49,708
Alan!
1012
00:40:51,125 --> 00:40:52,666
Thank you, brother!
1013
00:40:52,750 --> 00:40:55,041
- [screams]
- Wait, wait. Dawn, wait.
1014
00:40:55,125 --> 00:40:55,958
Hol... Dawn!
1015
00:40:56,041 --> 00:40:57,083
[screams]
1016
00:40:57,625 --> 00:40:58,541
[grunts]
1017
00:40:58,625 --> 00:41:00,375
[coughing]
1018
00:41:19,541 --> 00:41:20,541
[chuckles]
1019
00:41:20,583 --> 00:41:21,583
[sucks teeth]
1020
00:41:23,583 --> 00:41:25,666
Oh, goddamn! Damn!
1021
00:41:25,958 --> 00:41:26,958
Ow!
1022
00:41:35,208 --> 00:41:36,666
Oh, look at all the money.
1023
00:41:36,750 --> 00:41:39,125
That's... [sniffs] five dollars.
You chump ass.
1024
00:41:39,500 --> 00:41:41,750
Now here... I've got your address!
1025
00:41:41,833 --> 00:41:42,666
Alan!
1026
00:41:42,750 --> 00:41:43,750
Whoa!
1027
00:41:43,791 --> 00:41:44,708
Close the goddamn...
1028
00:41:44,791 --> 00:41:46,666
- Close the... Close the door!
- All right.
1029
00:41:47,125 --> 00:41:48,805
- Close the door!
- All right. It's closed!
1030
00:41:48,875 --> 00:41:50,715
I thought you weren't comin' in
until tomorrow.
1031
00:41:50,750 --> 00:41:52,110
Yeah, well, I'm here now, ain't I?
1032
00:41:52,166 --> 00:41:55,326
What's goin' on with that jacket, man?
I stopped counting the buttons after six.
1033
00:41:55,375 --> 00:41:56,375
- Seven.
- Okay.
1034
00:41:56,458 --> 00:41:58,916
It's that Steve Harvey Season Seven.
You like it?
1035
00:41:59,000 --> 00:42:01,125
Yeah, that Family Feud shit.
1036
00:42:01,208 --> 00:42:03,408
Yeah, that's for retired
basketball players and deacons.
1037
00:42:03,458 --> 00:42:05,416
Mm-hmm. And the hair extension...
1038
00:42:05,500 --> 00:42:07,500
Yeah. And look here, it's called a "woop".
1039
00:42:07,583 --> 00:42:09,250
- A "woop"?
- Yeah.
1040
00:42:09,333 --> 00:42:11,166
A dip. A perm. You know what I'm sayin'?
1041
00:42:11,250 --> 00:42:14,083
I like it. I like the whole new thing,
man. It's a whole new look.
1042
00:42:14,166 --> 00:42:16,250
You look like Carmelo Anthony
fucked Rick James.
1043
00:42:16,333 --> 00:42:18,750
Hey, not everybody can wear lime green,
you know?
1044
00:42:18,833 --> 00:42:19,953
- Don't be jealous.
- Listen.
1045
00:42:20,166 --> 00:42:22,958
I'm glad you're here,
because I am havin' a hard time
1046
00:42:23,041 --> 00:42:25,250
crackin' the Mother's Day pitch,
and I'm desperate.
1047
00:42:25,333 --> 00:42:26,453
- Yeah, Mother's Day?
- Yeah.
1048
00:42:26,500 --> 00:42:29,625
Yeah, I got one for you. I'll tell you.
All right, here it goes. All right.
1049
00:42:30,125 --> 00:42:34,083
"Most kids get hugs and kisses
1050
00:42:34,375 --> 00:42:37,750
from their mama, and those memories last.
1051
00:42:38,833 --> 00:42:41,333
But I don't have those memories, Mama,
1052
00:42:41,791 --> 00:42:45,000
'cause you left me in the trash.
1053
00:42:45,833 --> 00:42:47,583
Happy Mother's Day, Mom,
1054
00:42:48,250 --> 00:42:49,333
dot, dot, dot...
1055
00:42:50,000 --> 00:42:51,041
bitch."
1056
00:42:52,833 --> 00:42:55,291
I mean, I like the rhyming scheme,
but I just...
1057
00:42:55,375 --> 00:42:57,392
- I don't know, there's something...
- You know what?
1058
00:42:57,416 --> 00:42:59,708
You talkin' a lot, you talkin' a lot.
1059
00:42:59,791 --> 00:43:01,208
- Let's cut to the bullshit.
- Okay.
1060
00:43:01,291 --> 00:43:02,809
- Where the money at, huh?
- What money?
1061
00:43:02,833 --> 00:43:05,708
Don't hold out on me.
I'll... I'll slap your face.
1062
00:43:05,791 --> 00:43:09,375
You... I'll slap your white face
and I'll leave my handprint so big,
1063
00:43:09,458 --> 00:43:10,916
you'll look like the Canadian flag.
1064
00:43:11,000 --> 00:43:13,291
- I do direct deposit. You know that.
- [sniffing]
1065
00:43:13,375 --> 00:43:17,083
You smell like money, huh? You got...
You got Republican money, huh? [sniffs]
1066
00:43:17,166 --> 00:43:19,541
Hey, hey, hey. You know I'm a Bernie bro.
1067
00:43:19,625 --> 00:43:20,541
- Oh.
- You know that.
1068
00:43:20,625 --> 00:43:22,041
Ooh. [sniffs]
1069
00:43:22,125 --> 00:43:23,125
Stay still.
1070
00:43:23,291 --> 00:43:24,416
[sniffs]
1071
00:43:24,500 --> 00:43:25,500
Ooh.
1072
00:43:25,791 --> 00:43:27,375
You shop at Whole Foods.
1073
00:43:27,583 --> 00:43:31,166
[sniffing] You smell like the green bin
at Sprouts.
1074
00:43:31,250 --> 00:43:32,250
[sniffs]
1075
00:43:32,375 --> 00:43:34,000
Where the money at? Who got the checks?
1076
00:43:34,083 --> 00:43:35,541
- The che...
- [inhales deeply]
1077
00:43:35,625 --> 00:43:36,708
Who got the money?
1078
00:43:36,791 --> 00:43:38,416
- Relax, Alan.
- Who got the checks?
1079
00:43:38,500 --> 00:43:39,333
Talk to Linda.
1080
00:43:39,416 --> 00:43:41,375
- Who the hell is Linda, huh?
- Our boss.
1081
00:43:42,666 --> 00:43:43,750
We work for a bitch?
1082
00:43:44,166 --> 00:43:46,125
We work for Linda. She's nice.
1083
00:43:46,833 --> 00:43:48,375
- She's a nice bitch?
- Yeah.
1084
00:43:48,458 --> 00:43:50,083
Oh, people done changed.
1085
00:43:50,791 --> 00:43:52,333
[mumbles indistinctly]
1086
00:43:52,416 --> 00:43:54,208
- [door opens]
- It's good to see you, man.
1087
00:43:54,291 --> 00:43:55,500
[people chattering]
1088
00:43:58,875 --> 00:44:00,916
Where the hell is Linda's office, huh?
1089
00:44:02,625 --> 00:44:03,875
[telephone ringing]
1090
00:44:04,125 --> 00:44:05,125
Thank you.
1091
00:44:05,791 --> 00:44:06,791
Get back to work.
1092
00:44:08,291 --> 00:44:09,708
I said, get back to work!
1093
00:44:10,083 --> 00:44:11,208
[banging] Hey, Linda.
1094
00:44:12,000 --> 00:44:15,083
I need to holler at you
'bout some bidness. Right now.
1095
00:44:15,166 --> 00:44:16,666
Agora. Pronto.
1096
00:44:16,750 --> 00:44:18,250
Excuse me?
1097
00:44:18,333 --> 00:44:20,416
[inhales] Look here. I want...
1098
00:44:20,500 --> 00:44:21,875
[tapping]
1099
00:44:22,250 --> 00:44:23,250
what's mine.
1100
00:44:23,375 --> 00:44:24,250
You what?
1101
00:44:24,333 --> 00:44:26,083
Did I... [stutters]
1102
00:44:26,541 --> 00:44:27,541
stutter?
1103
00:44:30,083 --> 00:44:31,916
Well, well, well, Alan.
1104
00:44:32,000 --> 00:44:34,666
I had to admit I was worried
you didn't get the message,
1105
00:44:34,750 --> 00:44:37,791
but I'm happy to see you
acting like you mean it.
1106
00:44:38,083 --> 00:44:41,333
Oh, yeah. You know I'm about that life.
Shit. Hells yeah.
1107
00:44:41,416 --> 00:44:43,958
Hells yeah.
1108
00:44:44,375 --> 00:44:48,208
And I'm happy to see you
dress for Rashneep's retirement party.
1109
00:44:48,291 --> 00:44:49,291
Rash-who-the-what?
1110
00:44:49,666 --> 00:44:51,500
Look, I ain't here for no party.
1111
00:44:52,166 --> 00:44:54,791
I'm here on some bidness.
1112
00:44:54,875 --> 00:44:57,041
I want my ends. My loot.
1113
00:44:58,291 --> 00:44:59,625
My scrilla.
1114
00:44:59,916 --> 00:45:00,916
Scrilla?
1115
00:45:01,375 --> 00:45:02,958
I want my advance.
1116
00:45:03,333 --> 00:45:05,833
Alan, you know that I don't give advances.
1117
00:45:05,916 --> 00:45:08,791
- Do I look like I give a shit?
- Hmm.
1118
00:45:09,166 --> 00:45:11,541
See, if I gave a shit, I'd look like this.
1119
00:45:13,125 --> 00:45:15,000
But I don't. So, I look like this.
1120
00:45:16,333 --> 00:45:17,875
- Now, do it.
- Alan...
1121
00:45:17,958 --> 00:45:20,083
you're talking to me like I work for you.
1122
00:45:20,583 --> 00:45:23,625
Yeah, well, you know, now you smellin'
what I'm fartin'. You know?
1123
00:45:23,708 --> 00:45:25,268
Let me make something very clear, Alan.
1124
00:45:25,333 --> 00:45:27,916
You could talk to everyone else that way,
1125
00:45:28,208 --> 00:45:31,291
- but not your...
- Hold on, that's...
1126
00:45:31,375 --> 00:45:32,750
boss!
1127
00:45:32,833 --> 00:45:33,833
You hear me?
1128
00:45:35,416 --> 00:45:36,416
[chuckles]
1129
00:45:38,083 --> 00:45:39,083
[sniffs]
1130
00:45:40,625 --> 00:45:42,375
Let me tell you something...
1131
00:45:43,583 --> 00:45:44,583
Linda.
1132
00:45:45,791 --> 00:45:48,125
- [gulps]
- [glass shatters]
1133
00:45:49,041 --> 00:45:50,041
Nobody,
1134
00:45:50,291 --> 00:45:51,291
but nobody,
1135
00:45:51,708 --> 00:45:53,000
talks to me that way.
1136
00:45:53,333 --> 00:45:54,750
So, here's what I want you to do.
1137
00:45:54,833 --> 00:45:57,791
I want you to take your ass over there
and write me a check!
1138
00:45:58,375 --> 00:45:59,416
'Cause Daddy
1139
00:45:59,750 --> 00:46:01,250
got bills to pay.
1140
00:46:02,375 --> 00:46:03,750
You feel me?
1141
00:46:05,666 --> 00:46:06,666
I feel you.
1142
00:46:06,833 --> 00:46:07,833
[Ethan] Mm-hmm.
1143
00:46:08,541 --> 00:46:09,541
Good.
1144
00:46:09,666 --> 00:46:10,958
I feel you!
1145
00:46:11,291 --> 00:46:12,333
Good.
1146
00:46:13,708 --> 00:46:15,208
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
1147
00:46:15,291 --> 00:46:17,916
I feel you!
1148
00:46:18,666 --> 00:46:21,000
Okay. That's what we said. [chuckles]
1149
00:46:21,916 --> 00:46:23,416
- Oh. Wait. Ooh.
- [Linda moans]
1150
00:46:23,500 --> 00:46:25,750
- I feel that.
- I feel you.
1151
00:46:25,833 --> 00:46:27,833
Hey! Yeah. [chuckles]
1152
00:46:28,500 --> 00:46:30,708
I feel you.
1153
00:46:31,083 --> 00:46:33,375
- Okay!
- [Linda] I feel you.
1154
00:46:33,625 --> 00:46:34,625
[remote beeps]
1155
00:46:36,333 --> 00:46:38,416
Oh, man.
That's some cool shit right there.
1156
00:46:38,500 --> 00:46:40,140
You know, I was thinkin' about gettin'...
1157
00:46:41,750 --> 00:46:43,958
Now it's time to consummate our...
1158
00:46:44,750 --> 00:46:46,083
[whispers] partnership.
1159
00:46:47,708 --> 00:46:48,833
Oh!
1160
00:46:52,333 --> 00:46:54,708
I think you just gave me a raise.
1161
00:46:54,791 --> 00:46:56,416
- [Linda] Mm-hmm.
- [Ethan] Mm.
1162
00:46:57,041 --> 00:46:57,875
Mm-hmm.
1163
00:46:57,958 --> 00:46:59,166
[kissing and moaning]
1164
00:46:59,250 --> 00:47:01,458
[Dawn] Ooh, stop in there. I need
something to drink.
1165
00:47:01,541 --> 00:47:04,416
- I am parched. Okurr?
- Hey, Alan. Can you get me some cereal?
1166
00:47:04,500 --> 00:47:06,620
[Dawn] All right, you need to stop
eating that cereal.
1167
00:47:06,666 --> 00:47:08,666
I think you got too much riboflavin
in your system.
1168
00:47:08,750 --> 00:47:10,458
That's why you big and swollen like that.
1169
00:47:10,541 --> 00:47:12,059
- Okay...
- It's affecting your thyroid.
1170
00:47:12,083 --> 00:47:15,083
- [Russell] Stop fat-shaming!
- [Alan] All right! Just stay in the car.
1171
00:47:15,666 --> 00:47:16,666
Thank you.
1172
00:47:17,791 --> 00:47:18,708
[cell phone chimes]
1173
00:47:18,791 --> 00:47:21,208
[Dawn] Y'all some big-ass white boys.
1174
00:47:21,541 --> 00:47:22,958
- Y'all truckers, huh?
- Damn.
1175
00:47:23,583 --> 00:47:25,291
[Dawn] I like me some truckers.
1176
00:47:25,375 --> 00:47:28,416
'Cause you know why?
They can handle the wide load.
1177
00:47:28,750 --> 00:47:30,500
Huh? Can you take those turns, hmm?
1178
00:47:30,583 --> 00:47:32,250
[man] Yeah, I drive a big rig.
1179
00:47:32,333 --> 00:47:35,875
[Dawn] Let's skip all the small sides
and get straight to the main course.
1180
00:47:35,958 --> 00:47:37,416
Which one of you want some...
1181
00:47:37,833 --> 00:47:38,833
calamari?
1182
00:47:39,541 --> 00:47:40,916
I am the seafood lover.
1183
00:47:41,333 --> 00:47:43,013
[Dawn] There's a dumpster
right back there.
1184
00:47:43,083 --> 00:47:45,351
I'll close my eyes and pretend
y'all the Ying Yang Twins...
1185
00:47:45,375 --> 00:47:46,458
Uh, Dawn. We gotta go.
1186
00:47:46,541 --> 00:47:48,375
Ugh! What?
1187
00:47:48,875 --> 00:47:51,083
Oh, my God. You comin' over here
lookin' all judgmental.
1188
00:47:51,166 --> 00:47:53,458
You are not God or Obama.
1189
00:47:53,541 --> 00:47:54,625
So, what do you want?
1190
00:47:55,041 --> 00:47:56,166
I'm sorry, fellas.
1191
00:47:56,250 --> 00:47:58,458
- My sister's spoken for, so...
- [scoffs]
1192
00:47:58,708 --> 00:48:00,000
Squeeze me.
1193
00:48:00,166 --> 00:48:01,708
I am a grown-ass woman.
1194
00:48:01,791 --> 00:48:03,684
- If I want to sit on they face...
- That's gross.
1195
00:48:03,708 --> 00:48:05,000
...I'mma do that, okay?
1196
00:48:05,083 --> 00:48:06,166
So, what do you want?
1197
00:48:06,250 --> 00:48:07,250
Girl, come on!
1198
00:48:07,833 --> 00:48:10,291
Oh, my goodness. You make me sick, Alan.
1199
00:48:11,458 --> 00:48:12,958
Did you get my Count Chocula?
1200
00:48:13,333 --> 00:48:15,125
- No, but they did have...
- Rats!
1201
00:48:15,208 --> 00:48:17,666
Oh, ain't nobody care
about no damn cereal.
1202
00:48:17,750 --> 00:48:19,958
God! So, did they have my Four Loko?
1203
00:48:20,041 --> 00:48:21,458
- No.
- Any fine liquors?
1204
00:48:21,750 --> 00:48:23,916
Four Loko is not fine liquor, Dawn.
1205
00:48:24,000 --> 00:48:25,333
You have a drinking problem.
1206
00:48:25,416 --> 00:48:29,166
Listen, guys. I just got a ping
from the Adoption Registry in Mississippi.
1207
00:48:29,666 --> 00:48:30,875
Baby Pete is in the hospital.
1208
00:48:30,958 --> 00:48:32,458
- He's in ICU.
- Mm-mm, mm-mm-mm.
1209
00:48:32,541 --> 00:48:34,059
- He only has a few days to live.
- Ooh.
1210
00:48:34,083 --> 00:48:35,541
Then we must hurry to his side!
1211
00:48:35,625 --> 00:48:38,166
- Mm.
- Listen, I promised Marie I'd be home.
1212
00:48:38,250 --> 00:48:39,291
I'm havin' a baby soon.
1213
00:48:39,375 --> 00:48:40,583
He's our brother!
1214
00:48:40,875 --> 00:48:43,125
This might be our only chance
to meet him, Alan.
1215
00:48:43,208 --> 00:48:45,166
- [Dawn] Thanks.
- All right. Fine.
1216
00:48:46,166 --> 00:48:48,583
We'll drop Dawn,
and then you and I will go see Baby Pete.
1217
00:48:48,958 --> 00:48:50,041
Okey-dokey, smokey.
1218
00:48:50,666 --> 00:48:56,083
Hol' on, hol' on, hol' on, hol' on,
hol' on, hol' on, hol' on, hol' on!
1219
00:48:57,166 --> 00:49:00,291
I'm goin' with y'all, okay?
He's my brother, too.
1220
00:49:00,500 --> 00:49:02,458
And right now, he needs his family.
1221
00:49:02,541 --> 00:49:05,208
Besides, if he rich,
I wanna be in that will.
1222
00:49:05,708 --> 00:49:07,416
Russell, I'm ridin' shotgun!
1223
00:49:07,500 --> 00:49:08,500
You're a bully, Dawn!
1224
00:49:08,541 --> 00:49:11,208
So, get up out the front seat,
you smell like bellybutton.
1225
00:49:11,291 --> 00:49:13,833
I don't want that smell
woofin' on me as we drive.
1226
00:49:14,125 --> 00:49:15,125
I don't stink!
1227
00:49:15,208 --> 00:49:17,833
I just have a really aggressive
sweat gland disorder.
1228
00:49:17,916 --> 00:49:19,000
[clattering]
1229
00:49:19,083 --> 00:49:19,916
- Hey!
- Okay.
1230
00:49:20,000 --> 00:49:21,559
- Stupid.
- Everybody in the car. Quick...
1231
00:49:21,583 --> 00:49:23,392
- What the hell did you do to my truck?
- Uh-oh.
1232
00:49:23,416 --> 00:49:26,375
Hol' on, hol' on, hol'...
Who the hell are you yellin' at?
1233
00:49:26,458 --> 00:49:28,583
You better turn that anger down.
1234
00:49:28,666 --> 00:49:29,916
Your face all red.
1235
00:49:30,000 --> 00:49:33,500
You better turn it down to pink,
and then back down to white.
1236
00:49:33,750 --> 00:49:34,750
I don't play that.
1237
00:49:34,833 --> 00:49:37,625
It's not really red,
it was more of an orange tint.
1238
00:49:38,208 --> 00:49:40,248
Uh, listen, I'm sorry.
It was... It was an accident.
1239
00:49:40,291 --> 00:49:42,916
How about I accidentally kick your ass?
1240
00:49:43,208 --> 00:49:45,708
Oh, oh, God! I know you didn't!
1241
00:49:45,791 --> 00:49:48,500
You did not threaten
my new brother like that.
1242
00:49:48,583 --> 00:49:51,500
- See, I don't know him, but I love him.
- I don't know her.
1243
00:49:51,958 --> 00:49:54,166
I swear for God,
you don't know what you...
1244
00:49:54,250 --> 00:49:55,791
Wait, Dawn! Dawn, Dawn, Dawn, Dawn!
1245
00:49:55,875 --> 00:49:57,708
You think you so tough 'cause you tall?
1246
00:49:57,791 --> 00:50:00,875
I ain't afraid of you.
I'll kick you so hard in your balls,
1247
00:50:01,083 --> 00:50:02,833
that it'll replace your tonsils.
1248
00:50:02,916 --> 00:50:04,458
And if you get tonsillitis,
1249
00:50:04,541 --> 00:50:06,708
then they take out your tonsils,
but guess what?
1250
00:50:06,791 --> 00:50:08,625
They really takin' out your balls.
1251
00:50:09,666 --> 00:50:11,458
But they'll still give you ice cream.
1252
00:50:12,291 --> 00:50:14,375
Y'all think it's just empty threats?
1253
00:50:14,458 --> 00:50:17,416
You think this is an empty threat?
Oh, that's it. Now I'm bent!
1254
00:50:17,500 --> 00:50:18,875
I got my Vaseline.
1255
00:50:19,083 --> 00:50:22,333
Oh, I'm about to put that Vaseline
all over my face
1256
00:50:22,416 --> 00:50:25,541
'cause when you hit me,
it's gonna slide right off, like, mmm...
1257
00:50:25,625 --> 00:50:26,705
And I'll look at you, like,
1258
00:50:26,750 --> 00:50:28,250
"Now I'm mad."
1259
00:50:28,791 --> 00:50:29,916
Oh, you ain't gone yet?
1260
00:50:30,000 --> 00:50:32,000
I'mma turn my back, count to three.
1261
00:50:32,083 --> 00:50:33,208
If y'all ain't gone,
1262
00:50:33,541 --> 00:50:35,333
that's when I'mma go crazy.
1263
00:50:35,750 --> 00:50:37,875
One, two, three.
1264
00:50:37,958 --> 00:50:39,041
They're not gone, Dawn.
1265
00:50:40,291 --> 00:50:42,250
Ooh, they still there! Oh!
1266
00:50:42,333 --> 00:50:45,125
Oh, I see what it is. It's a full moon.
1267
00:50:45,708 --> 00:50:47,666
You gonna bring the werewolf out in me.
1268
00:50:48,166 --> 00:50:49,583
I see the moon, I'm like...
1269
00:50:49,666 --> 00:50:51,541
[growling]
1270
00:50:51,625 --> 00:50:54,083
[howls]
1271
00:50:54,375 --> 00:50:55,666
I'm a werewolf, bitch!
1272
00:50:55,916 --> 00:50:57,708
I'm sharpenin' my nails on the ground.
1273
00:50:57,791 --> 00:50:59,541
I sharpen my nails on the ground.
1274
00:50:59,833 --> 00:51:03,625
Yeah, I'm about to scratch your face
and give you infections!
1275
00:51:03,958 --> 00:51:05,000
Dawn, stop!
1276
00:51:05,833 --> 00:51:06,875
I got this!
1277
00:51:07,541 --> 00:51:09,041
Ain't nobody punkin' us!
1278
00:51:09,166 --> 00:51:11,486
Listen, how about you just give me
insurance information...
1279
00:51:11,750 --> 00:51:12,750
[grunts]
1280
00:51:13,625 --> 00:51:14,625
Oh!
1281
00:51:15,041 --> 00:51:16,041
[blows]
1282
00:51:16,791 --> 00:51:18,541
[screams]
1283
00:51:19,375 --> 00:51:20,958
- [man screams]
- [Dawn grunts]
1284
00:51:21,041 --> 00:51:23,625
- Ooh, get 'em, Dawn! Get 'em!
- [grunting]
1285
00:51:24,375 --> 00:51:25,583
- [grunting]
- Ooh.
1286
00:51:26,666 --> 00:51:28,333
[man grunting]
1287
00:51:29,166 --> 00:51:31,750
Don't you ever mess with my family!
1288
00:51:32,583 --> 00:51:34,125
Oh, you think this is a game?
1289
00:51:34,458 --> 00:51:35,458
Go deep, bitch!
1290
00:51:37,083 --> 00:51:37,958
[laughs]
1291
00:51:38,041 --> 00:51:39,125
Boo!
1292
00:51:39,208 --> 00:51:41,000
[Dawn] Boo-yah! [laughs]
1293
00:51:41,250 --> 00:51:43,166
I did it! I did it!
1294
00:51:43,375 --> 00:51:44,833
- [Alan groans]
- Alan?
1295
00:51:45,041 --> 00:51:45,875
Mm.
1296
00:51:45,958 --> 00:51:47,583
[Alan cries]
1297
00:51:48,750 --> 00:51:52,041
- Alan?
- Oh... my God.
1298
00:51:52,125 --> 00:51:53,726
- [crying]
- [Russell] You think he's dead?
1299
00:51:53,750 --> 00:51:55,833
No, dead people don't cry.
1300
00:51:56,750 --> 00:51:58,458
I think he broke my nose.
1301
00:51:59,083 --> 00:52:01,708
- You should probably see a doctor.
- Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.
1302
00:52:01,791 --> 00:52:03,250
- Right?
- Definitely.
1303
00:52:03,333 --> 00:52:05,125
[cries]
1304
00:52:05,208 --> 00:52:06,208
Ow!
1305
00:52:23,333 --> 00:52:24,333
[lock clattering]
1306
00:52:29,125 --> 00:52:30,583
[Spanish accent] Housekeeping!
1307
00:52:30,958 --> 00:52:32,458
Habla Inglés?
1308
00:52:33,333 --> 00:52:35,791
Oh, sookie, sookie now.
1309
00:52:36,250 --> 00:52:39,750
How'd a sucka like you
get a fox like that?
1310
00:52:39,916 --> 00:52:42,291
See, now I know you got money.
Where the money at?
1311
00:52:42,375 --> 00:52:43,500
[sniffing]
1312
00:52:46,583 --> 00:52:47,833
Oh!
1313
00:52:48,416 --> 00:52:49,416
[sucks teeth]
1314
00:52:49,458 --> 00:52:50,833
Yeah, I'mma cut this conk off,
1315
00:52:50,916 --> 00:52:53,666
and I'mma take this sucka's identity
and his bitch.
1316
00:52:53,750 --> 00:52:55,708
I just need some clippers
and some vinegar.
1317
00:52:55,791 --> 00:52:57,000
- [razor turns on]
- [chuckles]
1318
00:52:59,750 --> 00:53:01,166
[humming]
1319
00:53:05,833 --> 00:53:07,583
Oh, my gosh, Alan!
1320
00:53:08,333 --> 00:53:09,500
[Marie laughs]
1321
00:53:09,583 --> 00:53:12,083
Hey! Surprise!
1322
00:53:12,166 --> 00:53:15,166
- I'm so glad you're home!
- Babe, good to see you.
1323
00:53:15,666 --> 00:53:16,666
[Ethan] Oh!
1324
00:53:17,333 --> 00:53:18,916
Oh! I missed...
1325
00:53:19,416 --> 00:53:21,291
- Hey, baby.
- Hey. Oh, oh!
1326
00:53:21,583 --> 00:53:22,791
- Alan! [laughs]
- Hmm?
1327
00:53:22,875 --> 00:53:24,934
- You never use tongue.
- Well, you know I'm tryin'...
1328
00:53:24,958 --> 00:53:26,518
- Alan.
- ...to change it up, baby girl.
1329
00:53:26,583 --> 00:53:28,041
- [laughs]
- Girl, look at you.
1330
00:53:28,125 --> 00:53:29,750
- You look good.
- Oh, thank you.
1331
00:53:29,833 --> 00:53:32,333
You look about six months pregnant
in the stomach,
1332
00:53:32,416 --> 00:53:34,416
and about nine months pregnant back there.
1333
00:53:34,500 --> 00:53:36,916
[chuckles] Oh, and we're gonna be late
for class.
1334
00:53:37,250 --> 00:53:38,250
Wait.
1335
00:53:39,750 --> 00:53:42,583
Is that the sweater my mom got you
for your birthday?
1336
00:53:43,166 --> 00:53:44,375
You hate that thing.
1337
00:53:44,458 --> 00:53:47,166
Girl, don't be tryin' to hate on my love.
This is swag.
1338
00:53:47,250 --> 00:53:49,583
All the real players wore Coogi. Come on.
1339
00:53:49,666 --> 00:53:52,916
Biggie, Snoop,
and then that Cosby put it on
1340
00:53:53,000 --> 00:53:55,791
and put a whole stank connotation on it.
You know what I mean?
1341
00:53:56,041 --> 00:53:57,375
Why are you talkin' like that?
1342
00:53:58,250 --> 00:53:59,625
Why am I talkin' like what?
1343
00:53:59,708 --> 00:54:01,291
Like a 1970's pimp.
1344
00:54:01,708 --> 00:54:03,791
Aw, sh... Thank you.
1345
00:54:04,083 --> 00:54:06,750
Oh, my gosh, Alan.
Please tell me that gold cap's a temp.
1346
00:54:06,833 --> 00:54:07,958
- This right here?
- Uh-huh.
1347
00:54:08,041 --> 00:54:11,625
That's the real thing.
That's eight carat gold-plated.
1348
00:54:12,000 --> 00:54:13,875
Yeah, a little bit of mercury up in there.
1349
00:54:13,958 --> 00:54:16,458
Sometimes I... suck it
and it make me a little dizzy.
1350
00:54:16,541 --> 00:54:20,541
- Okay. We're gonna be late. We gotta go.
- Okay, but wait, wait. Where are we goin'?
1351
00:54:20,625 --> 00:54:21,666
Breastfeeding class.
1352
00:54:21,750 --> 00:54:23,375
- A class with breasts?
- Yes.
1353
00:54:23,458 --> 00:54:25,750
Yes. It's the last one
before the baby comes, remember?
1354
00:54:25,833 --> 00:54:27,916
- Oh, I'm gonna get an "A" in this.
- Come on.
1355
00:54:28,000 --> 00:54:29,666
[chuckles] I'm coming!
1356
00:54:31,208 --> 00:54:33,166
[woman speaks indistinctly over PA]
1357
00:54:33,833 --> 00:54:36,726
Okay, hold tight. We're gonna get you
out of here. This might sting a bit.
1358
00:54:36,750 --> 00:54:38,958
Man, after what I've been through
the past 72 hours,
1359
00:54:39,041 --> 00:54:40,476
I can pretty much handle anything...
1360
00:54:40,500 --> 00:54:41,540
- [bones crack]
- [screams]
1361
00:54:41,583 --> 00:54:43,541
Oh, I should punch you in the throat!
1362
00:54:43,625 --> 00:54:45,333
Yeah, you're gonna need surgery.
1363
00:54:45,541 --> 00:54:47,166
Ideally, before the nose resets.
1364
00:54:47,250 --> 00:54:48,625
- [sighs]
- Go visit your brother.
1365
00:54:48,708 --> 00:54:50,108
We'll grab you once an OR opens up.
1366
00:54:50,166 --> 00:54:51,583
Hey! Don't touch me.
1367
00:54:53,583 --> 00:54:56,541
[Baby Pete] So, I had three
open-heart surgeries before I was 11.
1368
00:54:56,625 --> 00:54:59,333
[Russell scoffs] And I complained
to Mother about a toothache.
1369
00:54:59,416 --> 00:55:00,791
All I had was a cavity.
1370
00:55:01,125 --> 00:55:04,541
Seven feet of my intestines taken out
by the time I was 21.
1371
00:55:04,625 --> 00:55:06,541
I got both knees replaced,
1372
00:55:06,625 --> 00:55:08,583
and I said to my doctor, I said, "Doc,
1373
00:55:08,666 --> 00:55:10,750
is this gonna affect my NBA career?"
1374
00:55:10,833 --> 00:55:11,958
[all laugh]
1375
00:55:13,708 --> 00:55:14,708
[laughs]
1376
00:55:14,750 --> 00:55:17,666
You's a trip, BP. You could've been
a stand-up comedian
1377
00:55:17,875 --> 00:55:19,875
if you wasn't gonna die
in, like, three days,
1378
00:55:19,958 --> 00:55:20,875
and you could stand up.
1379
00:55:20,958 --> 00:55:23,916
[Baby Pete] Girl, you gonna make me
die laughin' with your big self.
1380
00:55:24,000 --> 00:55:26,458
- It's a cold world, Dawn.
- Yes, it is.
1381
00:55:26,791 --> 00:55:28,000
Alan!
1382
00:55:28,416 --> 00:55:29,458
Hey!
1383
00:55:29,541 --> 00:55:30,625
Hey, bro-bro.
1384
00:55:30,708 --> 00:55:31,958
- [Alan] Baby Pete.
- Hey, Alan.
1385
00:55:32,041 --> 00:55:34,000
- [Dawn] Aw, look at this. Oh!
- How you doin'?
1386
00:55:34,083 --> 00:55:36,541
[grunts] Come on, brother.
Come here, give me some love.
1387
00:55:36,625 --> 00:55:38,458
Oh, it's so good to meet you.
1388
00:55:38,541 --> 00:55:40,708
That's what's up. Black love.
1389
00:55:40,791 --> 00:55:41,958
It's so sweet.
1390
00:55:42,041 --> 00:55:43,708
My God! [inhales deeply]
1391
00:55:43,791 --> 00:55:45,666
The resemblance is crazy.
1392
00:55:45,750 --> 00:55:47,291
We look like twins!
1393
00:55:47,375 --> 00:55:49,041
It... it's uncanny.
1394
00:55:49,500 --> 00:55:52,083
Uh, except for that busted-ass nose.
1395
00:55:52,166 --> 00:55:53,541
Yeah, I...
1396
00:55:53,875 --> 00:55:55,291
- I don't...
- Don't we look alike?
1397
00:55:55,375 --> 00:55:56,833
Y'all look like twinsies.
1398
00:55:56,916 --> 00:55:58,250
Like, the upper arms,
1399
00:55:58,333 --> 00:55:59,166
the chest...
1400
00:55:59,250 --> 00:56:01,958
- Yeah, the hair. Like, the hair follicles.
- [Dawn] Uh-huh.
1401
00:56:02,041 --> 00:56:04,083
And even in the legs. Y'all got them...
1402
00:56:04,166 --> 00:56:06,541
them chicken-wing legs,
the ones that look like this.
1403
00:56:06,625 --> 00:56:09,745
This part of the chicken wing. Both y'all
got the same little chicken wing leg.
1404
00:56:09,791 --> 00:56:12,708
- [Alan] Really?
- We all see it. Them legs is same.
1405
00:56:12,791 --> 00:56:13,791
- Same legs.
- Uh, okay.
1406
00:56:13,875 --> 00:56:14,750
- All right.
- I see it.
1407
00:56:14,833 --> 00:56:17,793
Let's... let's not talk about the looks.
Let's talk about what's important.
1408
00:56:18,541 --> 00:56:21,333
And that is... how do you feel, huh?
1409
00:56:21,416 --> 00:56:24,708
Oh, not bad for a guy on his deathbed.
1410
00:56:24,791 --> 00:56:27,708
[laughs]
1411
00:56:28,125 --> 00:56:30,666
- That... That ain't funny.
- Completely inappropriate, Alan.
1412
00:56:30,750 --> 00:56:32,708
Just 'cause he look
like a little voodoo doll
1413
00:56:32,791 --> 00:56:34,500
don't mean you get to make fun of him.
1414
00:56:34,958 --> 00:56:36,625
Oh, um... sorry.
1415
00:56:36,708 --> 00:56:38,333
But you do give me the heebie-jeebies.
1416
00:56:38,916 --> 00:56:41,916
'Cause my skin been crawlin'
since I been here.
1417
00:56:42,000 --> 00:56:44,250
Like a little dehydrated Smurf.
1418
00:56:44,333 --> 00:56:47,750
You know, they're threatenin'
to amputate my right arm.
1419
00:56:47,916 --> 00:56:48,750
[scoffs]
1420
00:56:48,833 --> 00:56:50,500
Thank God I can throw with both.
1421
00:56:50,791 --> 00:56:51,958
[all] Me too!
1422
00:56:52,041 --> 00:56:53,291
- No way!
- That's so...
1423
00:56:53,375 --> 00:56:54,500
- Yeah?
- Really?
1424
00:56:54,583 --> 00:56:55,791
- Wow, this...
- This is crazy!
1425
00:56:55,875 --> 00:56:57,833
- Our genetics is strong.
- Oh, my God!
1426
00:56:58,208 --> 00:57:00,625
You know, I just want to thank you
for comin',
1427
00:57:00,708 --> 00:57:02,916
from the bottom of my enlarged heart.
1428
00:57:03,250 --> 00:57:05,208
I just knew one day,
1429
00:57:05,291 --> 00:57:07,458
a miracle's gonna walk
right through that door.
1430
00:57:07,750 --> 00:57:08,916
I just wanna thank God.
1431
00:57:09,000 --> 00:57:11,041
God is good. Makes me wanna
scream His name and say,
1432
00:57:11,125 --> 00:57:12,916
♪ "God!" ♪
1433
00:57:13,000 --> 00:57:14,416
♪ Holy do it! ♪
1434
00:57:14,500 --> 00:57:15,500
I pray to him,
1435
00:57:15,916 --> 00:57:19,458
and he makes my cereal cupeth
runneth overeth.
1436
00:57:21,250 --> 00:57:23,458
Dr. Williams! Hey.
1437
00:57:23,541 --> 00:57:25,017
- Hey! How you doin', Doc?
- Alan! Wow.
1438
00:57:25,041 --> 00:57:26,892
- Nice to meet you.
- Wow, what a wonderful thing
1439
00:57:26,916 --> 00:57:28,236
you're doin' for Baby Pete, Alan.
1440
00:57:28,291 --> 00:57:29,500
You are a hero.
1441
00:57:29,791 --> 00:57:31,750
Ah, it's no big deal, you know?
1442
00:57:31,833 --> 00:57:33,666
I mean, it's a bit of a drive, but...
1443
00:57:33,750 --> 00:57:37,416
Still. Not every day that a long-lost
family member appears out of thin air
1444
00:57:37,500 --> 00:57:38,500
to donate a kidney.
1445
00:57:38,541 --> 00:57:39,541
You said what?
1446
00:57:39,583 --> 00:57:41,958
[stammers] Now, Alan,
it's just a simple procedure.
1447
00:57:42,041 --> 00:57:43,583
You'll be out of here in a few days.
1448
00:57:43,666 --> 00:57:44,958
A few days?
1449
00:57:45,041 --> 00:57:48,125
As long as there are no complications.
But hey, you get the honor
1450
00:57:48,208 --> 00:57:49,500
of saving your brother's life.
1451
00:57:50,041 --> 00:57:52,125
Right? I just need you
to sign this release.
1452
00:57:52,208 --> 00:57:53,416
Doc, I don't care about him.
1453
00:57:53,500 --> 00:57:54,833
- I don't know him.
- Sure you do.
1454
00:57:54,916 --> 00:57:56,684
- You lyin', Alan.
- [doctor] You're so funny.
1455
00:57:56,708 --> 00:57:58,166
I don't know this little...
1456
00:58:01,250 --> 00:58:02,250
Why does it gotta be me?
1457
00:58:02,333 --> 00:58:04,809
Why you gotta take my kidney?
Why don't you take one of theirs?
1458
00:58:04,833 --> 00:58:08,416
Well, apparently, I'm "medically obese,"
so, it counts me out.
1459
00:58:08,541 --> 00:58:11,666
And don't look at me, 'cause I sniffed
way too much laptop cleaner,
1460
00:58:11,750 --> 00:58:13,916
and I popped a Molly yesterday.
1461
00:58:14,000 --> 00:58:15,000
I want some Molly.
1462
00:58:15,208 --> 00:58:16,041
What's Molly?
1463
00:58:16,125 --> 00:58:17,708
Okay. [sighs]
1464
00:58:17,791 --> 00:58:20,166
Alan, I get it. You're scared.
1465
00:58:20,291 --> 00:58:22,333
I was scared when I had my first colonic.
1466
00:58:22,416 --> 00:58:23,875
He put a finger in my butt,
1467
00:58:23,958 --> 00:58:26,041
- I felt... But...
- No, no... That's not...
1468
00:58:26,708 --> 00:58:27,833
Okay.
1469
00:58:28,541 --> 00:58:29,916
- Baby Pete?
- Mm-hmm.
1470
00:58:30,000 --> 00:58:31,041
I wanna help you.
1471
00:58:31,125 --> 00:58:32,333
- Okay.
- You're my brother.
1472
00:58:32,583 --> 00:58:34,833
For another three days to a week.
1473
00:58:35,125 --> 00:58:36,458
[coughs]
1474
00:58:36,833 --> 00:58:39,708
When he die, I'm just gonna take
his little dead body
1475
00:58:39,791 --> 00:58:41,125
and put it on a key chain,
1476
00:58:41,458 --> 00:58:42,791
like a rabbit's foot.
1477
00:58:43,291 --> 00:58:46,833
Look, guys. I'm about to become a dad.
1478
00:58:46,916 --> 00:58:48,750
And if something happens to me,
1479
00:58:48,833 --> 00:58:51,375
then my child will grow up
without a father.
1480
00:58:51,458 --> 00:58:53,166
And that already happened to me.
1481
00:58:53,416 --> 00:58:54,416
And you.
1482
00:58:55,375 --> 00:58:57,750
So, no. I'm sorry. I-I can't do it.
1483
00:58:58,458 --> 00:59:00,125
You, sir, are a monster!
1484
00:59:00,958 --> 00:59:02,041
That is not fair.
1485
00:59:02,333 --> 00:59:03,791
He's too young to die.
1486
00:59:04,166 --> 00:59:05,916
Take part of me, instead.
1487
00:59:06,208 --> 00:59:07,083
Just not my kidneys.
1488
00:59:07,166 --> 00:59:08,291
- Say what?
- Move, Dawn.
1489
00:59:08,375 --> 00:59:10,291
Oh, you ain't about nothin'.
1490
00:59:11,916 --> 00:59:15,333
I can't believe I fought
those two rednecks for you.
1491
00:59:15,750 --> 00:59:17,250
You started that fight!
1492
00:59:17,333 --> 00:59:19,458
Ugh, you make me sick.
1493
00:59:19,625 --> 00:59:20,625
Ugh.
1494
00:59:21,458 --> 00:59:23,583
Uh, look, Alan.
1495
00:59:24,208 --> 00:59:26,375
I'm high on the donor's list.
1496
00:59:26,458 --> 00:59:29,916
The doctor's say I have a 0.001 chance.
1497
00:59:30,083 --> 00:59:32,166
Yeah, [stammers] that's a chance.
1498
00:59:32,583 --> 00:59:33,750
- Mr. Daniels.
- Hey.
1499
00:59:34,208 --> 00:59:35,416
An OR just became available.
1500
00:59:35,500 --> 00:59:37,416
We are ready to take care of that nose.
1501
00:59:37,500 --> 00:59:38,750
- Okay. Be careful.
- All right.
1502
00:59:38,833 --> 00:59:41,500
- Looks like it's setting sideways.
- Ow!
1503
00:59:41,583 --> 00:59:43,263
Just need you to sign these release forms.
1504
00:59:43,333 --> 00:59:44,875
Here you go, Doc.
1505
00:59:45,000 --> 00:59:46,833
Aw, thanks, Baby Pete.
1506
00:59:46,916 --> 00:59:48,875
Ah, no problem, bro.
1507
00:59:57,375 --> 00:59:59,125
Baby Pete, I'm... I'm sorry.
1508
00:59:59,625 --> 01:00:01,291
Don't worry about it, Alan.
1509
01:00:01,833 --> 01:00:02,833
[chuckles]
1510
01:00:02,875 --> 01:00:05,708
Everything happens for a reason.
1511
01:00:07,750 --> 01:00:08,750
Be strong, okay?
1512
01:00:09,916 --> 01:00:11,125
Bye.
1513
01:00:12,125 --> 01:00:14,000
You'll always be with me.
1514
01:00:15,083 --> 01:00:18,416
And let go of all that negative energy.
1515
01:00:18,583 --> 01:00:21,916
Let go, and create a cocoon of positivity,
1516
01:00:22,000 --> 01:00:23,880
- for your beautiful baby.
- All right, move on.
1517
01:00:23,916 --> 01:00:26,708
The sun, the moon, and the stars.
Let's get to the titties, you know?
1518
01:00:26,791 --> 01:00:28,750
Let's... That's what we're here for, right?
1519
01:00:28,833 --> 01:00:31,083
- Let's... Let's pull them suckers out.
- [clears throat]
1520
01:00:31,166 --> 01:00:32,625
- Alan.
- Did I say that out loud?
1521
01:00:32,708 --> 01:00:33,833
- Yes.
- My bad.
1522
01:00:34,291 --> 01:00:35,291
Sorry.
1523
01:00:36,041 --> 01:00:37,041
Now...
1524
01:00:37,375 --> 01:00:39,541
before you expose the nipple,
1525
01:00:39,625 --> 01:00:41,125
we want to be careful.
1526
01:00:41,208 --> 01:00:43,041
- Hey! Hey! Excuse me!
- Huh?
1527
01:00:43,125 --> 01:00:44,666
Absolutely no photos!
1528
01:00:44,750 --> 01:00:47,416
- Jesus, stop it!
- I just want one picture for the 'Gram.
1529
01:00:47,500 --> 01:00:49,340
[instructor]
No! Do I have to ask you to leave?
1530
01:00:49,375 --> 01:00:52,059
- [Marie] What's gotten into you?
- I ain't been feelin' well all day.
1531
01:00:52,083 --> 01:00:55,163
- [sniffs] Do you... Is that Hennessy?
- That's cognac, but it ain't Hennessy.
1532
01:00:55,416 --> 01:00:57,291
[clears throat, mutters indistinctly]
1533
01:00:59,541 --> 01:01:02,208
Now, latching is everything.
1534
01:01:02,291 --> 01:01:06,375
I just wanna volunteer
if anybody needs help with latching.
1535
01:01:06,458 --> 01:01:09,291
- That's it, sir. You have to leave.
- [people murmuring]
1536
01:01:09,375 --> 01:01:11,500
Man, y'all a bunch of prudes
in this class.
1537
01:01:12,500 --> 01:01:15,333
- Hold on... Girl, this is Coogi! The Coo...
- [Marie] Mm-mm.
1538
01:01:15,500 --> 01:01:16,958
Who the hell are you?
1539
01:01:17,041 --> 01:01:19,500
Baby, why you trippin'? I'm Alan.
1540
01:01:20,250 --> 01:01:21,250
You're Ethan.
1541
01:01:21,458 --> 01:01:23,625
Or Jaspar. You know what?
It doesn't matter.
1542
01:01:23,875 --> 01:01:25,958
You know what? I... I am Alan.
1543
01:01:26,041 --> 01:01:28,083
Says right here on my ID.
1544
01:01:28,166 --> 01:01:29,583
See? That's Alan.
1545
01:01:30,541 --> 01:01:32,000
- Oh, hell no.
- That's me.
1546
01:01:32,500 --> 01:01:33,541
Oh, my goodness.
1547
01:01:33,625 --> 01:01:35,875
See, smilin'. Who you callin'?
Wait, who you callin'?
1548
01:01:35,958 --> 01:01:37,083
I'm callin' the police.
1549
01:01:37,166 --> 01:01:38,766
- You can't call the po-po!
- Yes, I can!
1550
01:01:38,791 --> 01:01:40,541
- Who are you, Barbecue Becky?
- I will be.
1551
01:01:40,625 --> 01:01:42,375
- Are you Permit Patty?
- Try me.
1552
01:01:42,458 --> 01:01:44,625
Okay. [stammers] Let a brother explain.
1553
01:01:46,458 --> 01:01:47,875
You've got five seconds.
1554
01:01:47,958 --> 01:01:48,791
[sighs]
1555
01:01:48,875 --> 01:01:50,583
All right. Okay, here's the thing.
1556
01:01:51,333 --> 01:01:52,166
I'm Ethan.
1557
01:01:52,250 --> 01:01:53,375
That's what I thought.
1558
01:01:53,458 --> 01:01:56,583
I had got an email from Alan
saying he wanted to find a family,
1559
01:01:56,875 --> 01:01:59,458
and he sound real sentimental,
like a little sad sack,
1560
01:01:59,541 --> 01:02:00,833
so he sound vulnerable to me,
1561
01:02:00,916 --> 01:02:03,041
so I was like,
"Boom, let me get his identity."
1562
01:02:03,125 --> 01:02:05,250
So, I was gonna procure
a small business loan
1563
01:02:05,333 --> 01:02:07,791
because Alan got good credit.
1564
01:02:07,875 --> 01:02:10,541
Like, he got white credit.
See, I see why you was with him, sister.
1565
01:02:10,625 --> 01:02:13,083
Wait, so you were gonna steal
my husband's identity?
1566
01:02:13,166 --> 01:02:17,291
I'mma be real with you. I know I look rich
with this old gold tooth in my mouth,
1567
01:02:17,375 --> 01:02:18,833
that says, "Money, money, money!"
1568
01:02:20,416 --> 01:02:22,208
But that's not the case, okay? I...
1569
01:02:22,791 --> 01:02:24,416
[sighs] I'm flat broke.
1570
01:02:25,666 --> 01:02:28,250
Yeah, I lost my business
a couple of months ago.
1571
01:02:28,333 --> 01:02:30,750
- As what? A thief?
- [Ethan] Girl, I am legitimate.
1572
01:02:30,833 --> 01:02:32,916
I own a nail salon.
1573
01:02:33,125 --> 01:02:36,041
I do acrylics, gels, silks.
1574
01:02:36,125 --> 01:02:37,708
[chuckles] This place be magical.
1575
01:02:37,791 --> 01:02:40,125
Oh, really? Then what was it called?
1576
01:02:40,958 --> 01:02:43,000
"This Place Be Magical."
1577
01:02:44,583 --> 01:02:46,125
And why should I believe you?
1578
01:02:46,208 --> 01:02:49,333
Look here, did I hustle in the streets
my whole life?
1579
01:02:49,708 --> 01:02:53,416
Yes. Ain't nobody picked me up
from the State home.
1580
01:02:53,916 --> 01:02:55,833
So, you were never in a foster home?
1581
01:02:56,333 --> 01:02:57,333
No, ma'am.
1582
01:02:58,041 --> 01:02:59,208
Oh, my God. I'm...
1583
01:03:00,166 --> 01:03:02,666
- I'm so sorry...
- I'm good. I'm not... Stop that.
1584
01:03:03,000 --> 01:03:05,250
I'm good. You know?
I'm happy I did, you know?
1585
01:03:05,333 --> 01:03:07,500
- Okay.
- 'Cause it... it made me who I am.
1586
01:03:07,583 --> 01:03:09,916
And I gotta tell ya, nail art?
1587
01:03:10,000 --> 01:03:10,875
Bam!
1588
01:03:10,958 --> 01:03:12,625
[chuckles] It was poppin'!
1589
01:03:12,708 --> 01:03:16,500
Until the landlord wanna break my lease
without warnin'.
1590
01:03:16,583 --> 01:03:19,541
Oh, well that's not legal.
Any decent lawyer could tell you that.
1591
01:03:19,625 --> 01:03:22,500
Girl, I can't afford no damn lawyer.
What's wrong with you?
1592
01:03:23,375 --> 01:03:24,666
What's your tenant ID?
1593
01:03:25,250 --> 01:03:26,250
Hmm?
1594
01:03:27,916 --> 01:03:29,333
Only one phone call.
1595
01:03:31,041 --> 01:03:34,291
You gonna make me blush, and I'm black,
and it's gonna look weird.
1596
01:03:34,583 --> 01:03:35,583
[machine beeps]
1597
01:03:35,666 --> 01:03:37,333
[heart monitor beeps steadily]
1598
01:03:40,041 --> 01:03:41,875
[woman] All right, Alan, you're all set.
1599
01:03:41,958 --> 01:03:42,791
Okay.
1600
01:03:42,875 --> 01:03:45,208
- Tell the doc to make it pretty.
- [woman] Sure.
1601
01:03:45,708 --> 01:03:46,958
[stammering] Uh, what's that?
1602
01:03:47,333 --> 01:03:50,208
It's to relax you. I don't think
you're gonna wanna be awake for this.
1603
01:03:50,541 --> 01:03:51,875
Okay, that's a good point.
1604
01:03:52,875 --> 01:03:53,875
Oh, wow.
1605
01:03:55,666 --> 01:03:57,916
This that stuff Lil Wayne have in his cup.
1606
01:03:58,625 --> 01:03:59,666
Dr. Williams?
1607
01:03:59,750 --> 01:04:00,750
That's me.
1608
01:04:01,625 --> 01:04:03,000
I thought the other doctor was...
1609
01:04:03,625 --> 01:04:06,625
Didn't... Another doctor's
gonna be workin' on my... fix...
1610
01:04:07,208 --> 01:04:08,541
What's this thing called?
1611
01:04:08,625 --> 01:04:10,041
- Nose? Yes.
- Yeah.
1612
01:04:10,125 --> 01:04:11,333
Yes, we're doing that as well.
1613
01:04:11,416 --> 01:04:12,458
- You got a nose.
- I do.
1614
01:04:12,541 --> 01:04:14,301
You may wanna back off
the dose a little bit.
1615
01:04:14,375 --> 01:04:16,500
Nurse, you got a... You got a big nose.
1616
01:04:16,625 --> 01:04:18,791
Okay, everything's in order.
Let's get him marked up.
1617
01:04:18,875 --> 01:04:19,708
[laughing]
1618
01:04:19,791 --> 01:04:22,791
So, we will go in
through the naval, laproscopically.
1619
01:04:23,083 --> 01:04:25,708
Then, through the incision point,
we will remove the kidney
1620
01:04:25,791 --> 01:04:27,500
and transplant it in Baby Pete.
1621
01:04:27,750 --> 01:04:28,875
[gasps]
1622
01:04:29,791 --> 01:04:31,791
[screaming]
1623
01:04:34,958 --> 01:04:36,625
[Dr. Williams] Alan! Alan!
1624
01:04:37,333 --> 01:04:38,458
[crying]
1625
01:04:51,500 --> 01:04:53,041
- Ethan?
- [Ethan] Mm-hmm.
1626
01:04:53,333 --> 01:04:55,541
Um, have you seen my necklace,
1627
01:04:55,916 --> 01:04:57,583
the one with the diamond pendant?
1628
01:04:59,291 --> 01:05:01,083
- Wow!
- Oh, the one with the diamond p...
1629
01:05:01,166 --> 01:05:03,541
Oh, you... you... you talkin' about this
right here?
1630
01:05:03,833 --> 01:05:06,916
I was just, um, holdin' it for you.
I was cleanin' it, actually.
1631
01:05:07,000 --> 01:05:09,375
You... You know,
you need to invest in a safe. Uh...
1632
01:05:09,458 --> 01:05:12,291
A less legitimate brother
might've stole this from you.
1633
01:05:12,375 --> 01:05:14,575
But I ain't that type of dude.
You know what I'm sayin'?
1634
01:05:14,916 --> 01:05:16,541
It's beautiful.
1635
01:05:16,833 --> 01:05:18,291
- Oh, oh!
- [Marie] Look at this.
1636
01:05:18,541 --> 01:05:20,341
- Ain't no thang but a chicken wang.
- [gasps]
1637
01:05:20,375 --> 01:05:21,625
You know, that's how I do.
1638
01:05:21,708 --> 01:05:23,958
You know, I just like to paint.
It's just somethin' I do.
1639
01:05:24,041 --> 01:05:26,291
That color right there,
that's a tough one. That's...
1640
01:05:26,375 --> 01:05:27,916
That's Nose Candy White.
1641
01:05:28,000 --> 01:05:30,000
And all the hoochies love that one,
you know?
1642
01:05:30,083 --> 01:05:34,041
Behind Black Bitch, Big Booty Brown,
and Ratchet Raspberry.
1643
01:05:34,125 --> 01:05:36,083
But I... I thought it was
a little inappropriate
1644
01:05:36,166 --> 01:05:38,500
to paint the baby's room Black Bitch.
1645
01:05:39,000 --> 01:05:42,750
I mean, unless of course, it's a girl.
Then, you know... it may work.
1646
01:05:42,833 --> 01:05:43,916
[crying] Thank you.
1647
01:05:44,000 --> 01:05:47,791
And I-I just wanna take this time
to thank you for what you've done,
1648
01:05:47,875 --> 01:05:50,833
'cause, you know, throughout my life,
ain't nobody really ever
1649
01:05:50,916 --> 01:05:53,000
done me or treated me like... Shit!
1650
01:05:54,291 --> 01:05:56,541
- [grunts]
- Oh, Ethan.
1651
01:05:58,166 --> 01:06:00,000
What I... What I'm tryin' to say...
1652
01:06:00,500 --> 01:06:02,666
Not many people really give a fuck...
1653
01:06:02,875 --> 01:06:03,875
about me.
1654
01:06:04,750 --> 01:06:05,750
[Ethan grunts]
1655
01:06:06,583 --> 01:06:07,916
One second. [inhales deeply]
1656
01:06:08,625 --> 01:06:11,416
What I'm tryin' to say is that,
you know, I had a hard...
1657
01:06:11,500 --> 01:06:13,125
hard... [breathing heavily]
1658
01:06:13,208 --> 01:06:15,500
- [Marie] It's okay.
- Hard life...
1659
01:06:16,000 --> 01:06:18,041
[mumbling]
1660
01:06:18,416 --> 01:06:19,833
[inhales deeply]
1661
01:06:19,916 --> 01:06:20,916
[exhales]
1662
01:06:21,166 --> 01:06:22,666
You're a good woman, you know?
1663
01:06:23,083 --> 01:06:25,041
You're kind, you got most of your hair.
1664
01:06:25,125 --> 01:06:28,083
- Thank you.
- Hey, look, Alan's a lucky man.
1665
01:06:28,250 --> 01:06:29,250
- [chuckles]
- Yeah.
1666
01:06:29,291 --> 01:06:30,791
- Oh!
- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah! He's...
1667
01:06:30,875 --> 01:06:33,291
- Ooh.
- Look, 'cause I had some devious plans.
1668
01:06:33,375 --> 01:06:34,809
- I'm just keepin' it real.
- Uh-huh.
1669
01:06:34,833 --> 01:06:37,166
- You know? What happened? Is...
- [Marie chuckles]
1670
01:06:37,416 --> 01:06:38,892
- It's kicking.
- [Ethan] It's kicking?
1671
01:06:38,916 --> 01:06:40,196
Oh, you want me to kick it back?
1672
01:06:40,250 --> 01:06:41,791
- Oh, no, no, no. It's okay.
- Okay.
1673
01:06:41,875 --> 01:06:44,715
Oh, you got your little... Girl, I just...
I could teach him some stuff.
1674
01:06:44,791 --> 01:06:46,250
- I know Wu-Tang and...
- Really?
1675
01:06:46,333 --> 01:06:48,500
Yeah, and Wong Chang and Chang Wong.
1676
01:06:48,583 --> 01:06:50,684
- Yeah, Ethan knows it.
- I can teach your baby to kick.
1677
01:06:50,708 --> 01:06:51,788
We could teach him to slap.
1678
01:06:51,833 --> 01:06:55,458
Ain't nobody was better at slap boxin'.
I'd slap the shit out them white boys.
1679
01:06:56,458 --> 01:06:57,833
[keyboard keys clacking]
1680
01:06:59,041 --> 01:07:01,875
[man over PA] Blue team to ICU, please.
Blue team, ICU.
1681
01:07:01,958 --> 01:07:03,750
[heart monitor beeps steadily]
1682
01:07:04,958 --> 01:07:05,958
[grunts]
1683
01:07:07,083 --> 01:07:08,208
Where am I?
1684
01:07:08,291 --> 01:07:09,541
Take it easy, Alan.
1685
01:07:09,625 --> 01:07:11,875
You've been out of surgery
for several hours.
1686
01:07:12,166 --> 01:07:14,666
One less kidney, but your nose
is back to normal.
1687
01:07:16,083 --> 01:07:17,083
One less...
1688
01:07:18,375 --> 01:07:19,375
[gasps]
1689
01:07:19,708 --> 01:07:21,958
- [screaming]
- Okay, calm down.
1690
01:07:22,041 --> 01:07:23,641
- It's fine. Deep breaths.
- Where is he?
1691
01:07:23,666 --> 01:07:24,791
- No, no.
- Where is he?
1692
01:07:24,875 --> 01:07:26,976
- I'm going to kill this little... Oh!
- Sir, please, no!
1693
01:07:27,000 --> 01:07:29,708
- You need to take it easy!
- Take it easy?!
1694
01:07:29,791 --> 01:07:31,208
The boy took my kidney!
1695
01:07:31,291 --> 01:07:32,625
I need my kidney.
1696
01:07:32,833 --> 01:07:35,541
I don't know what for, but I need it!
Can you put it back?
1697
01:07:35,625 --> 01:07:36,833
No. That's ridiculous.
1698
01:07:36,916 --> 01:07:38,625
- Stay in bed.
- [groans]
1699
01:07:39,000 --> 01:07:41,041
Okay, where is he? Where's Baby Pete?
1700
01:07:41,125 --> 01:07:42,458
On a flight to Havana.
1701
01:07:42,541 --> 01:07:44,541
He took my kidney to a communist country?
1702
01:07:44,625 --> 01:07:46,041
He took a Medi-Jet this afternoon.
1703
01:07:46,125 --> 01:07:48,833
He started a crowdfunding page
for his post-op.
1704
01:07:48,916 --> 01:07:51,875
Raised $200,000.
People really love that guy.
1705
01:07:52,125 --> 01:07:54,125
I hate that guy! I'm gonna kill him.
1706
01:07:54,208 --> 01:07:56,291
- Where's my keys? Where are my keys?
- Oh!
1707
01:07:56,375 --> 01:07:58,208
Well, your sister left you this.
1708
01:08:02,750 --> 01:08:04,875
"IOU $10,000
1709
01:08:05,583 --> 01:08:07,291
and one car.
1710
01:08:07,750 --> 01:08:10,583
You my boo thang four life. Dawn."
1711
01:08:10,666 --> 01:08:11,500
[inhales]
1712
01:08:11,583 --> 01:08:15,000
You don't spell "for" F-O-U-R,
you ignoramus!
1713
01:08:15,250 --> 01:08:17,333
Didn't they teach you English in jail?!
1714
01:08:17,416 --> 01:08:20,208
All right. You stay there,
and I'm gonna get the doctor.
1715
01:08:20,291 --> 01:08:21,333
[Alan] Okay.
1716
01:08:23,041 --> 01:08:23,875
[door opens]
1717
01:08:23,958 --> 01:08:25,708
I'm gonna kill these people! All of 'em.
1718
01:08:26,083 --> 01:08:27,583
You gave him your kidney?
1719
01:08:27,666 --> 01:08:30,083
Well, I didn't give it to him.
He stole it.
1720
01:08:30,166 --> 01:08:31,166
Ow!
1721
01:08:31,416 --> 01:08:33,416
Well, [stammering] are you okay?
1722
01:08:33,500 --> 01:08:35,125
[Alan] No, I'm not okay.
1723
01:08:35,208 --> 01:08:37,416
Only good thing is
they fixed my broken nose.
1724
01:08:37,500 --> 01:08:40,083
Broken nose? What... What the hell
is goin' on over there?
1725
01:08:40,166 --> 01:08:42,375
I don't know.
I had all these dreams, Marie,
1726
01:08:42,750 --> 01:08:46,541
about us bein' a family and I finally
have somethin' to bring to the table.
1727
01:08:46,833 --> 01:08:48,500
But you know what I learned about family?
1728
01:08:48,583 --> 01:08:49,416
They take.
1729
01:08:49,500 --> 01:08:51,958
They take your money,
they take your car... [groans]
1730
01:08:52,041 --> 01:08:53,166
they take your kidney.
1731
01:08:53,250 --> 01:08:56,291
Look. I don't know exactly
what's going on over there,
1732
01:08:56,375 --> 01:08:58,291
but you need to get your shit together!
1733
01:08:58,375 --> 01:09:01,059
- But baby, it's not me! You don't unders...
- No, no, no! I wanted you
1734
01:09:01,083 --> 01:09:03,666
to find your family,
to help you fill that void.
1735
01:09:03,750 --> 01:09:05,083
And up till this very moment,
1736
01:09:05,166 --> 01:09:07,226
- I have been supportive of you.
- [Alan] Yes, but...
1737
01:09:07,250 --> 01:09:08,458
M-Marie, you don't understand.
1738
01:09:08,541 --> 01:09:10,833
It's not me, it's these people,
this... this family!
1739
01:09:10,916 --> 01:09:11,916
They screw everything up.
1740
01:09:12,000 --> 01:09:14,500
[Marie] No, Alan, it is you
who is screwing everything up
1741
01:09:14,583 --> 01:09:16,041
with the family you have right here!
1742
01:09:16,375 --> 01:09:17,916
I'm having your baby.
1743
01:09:18,000 --> 01:09:21,583
And you need to bring your ass home,
or don't bother coming home at all!
1744
01:09:22,833 --> 01:09:25,375
That might be the hormones talking,
I'm not really sure.
1745
01:09:25,458 --> 01:09:27,434
- Marie, baby, you don...
- Just bring your ass home!
1746
01:09:27,458 --> 01:09:28,618
- [call disconnects]
- [sighs]
1747
01:09:29,083 --> 01:09:30,083
Excuse me.
1748
01:09:30,750 --> 01:09:31,750
Yo!
1749
01:09:32,125 --> 01:09:33,125
Uber!
1750
01:09:33,458 --> 01:09:34,458
Hey.
1751
01:09:35,916 --> 01:09:36,916
Are you for Alan?
1752
01:09:37,458 --> 01:09:38,583
Uh, no, Elaine.
1753
01:09:38,958 --> 01:09:40,541
- Damn it.
- [Russell] Hey, Alan!
1754
01:09:41,250 --> 01:09:42,583
Where do you think you're goin'?
1755
01:09:43,208 --> 01:09:46,958
The doctor was pretty insistent
that you stay here for at least a week.
1756
01:09:48,208 --> 01:09:49,958
You know, Alan, I've been thinking.
1757
01:09:50,083 --> 01:09:52,375
That was a pretty incredible thing
you did for Baby Pete.
1758
01:09:52,791 --> 01:09:55,125
Who gives their kidney
to somebody he just met?
1759
01:09:55,500 --> 01:09:58,750
Yeah, but then again, I did you give you
my second-to-last hard candy, so...
1760
01:09:59,291 --> 01:10:02,041
I guess we both sacrificed, huh? Heroes.
1761
01:10:03,500 --> 01:10:04,541
I'm goin' home.
1762
01:10:05,333 --> 01:10:06,500
[Russell] Seriously?
1763
01:10:06,833 --> 01:10:09,333
I really woulda wish I had known
that was the case.
1764
01:10:09,750 --> 01:10:11,458
I just said goodbye to Dawn.
1765
01:10:11,958 --> 01:10:14,958
Yeah, but I'm pretty sure
she would've taken us back, though.
1766
01:10:15,333 --> 01:10:16,333
"Us"?
1767
01:10:18,541 --> 01:10:19,916
Did you just say "us"?
1768
01:10:20,666 --> 01:10:24,083
Yeah, Alan. I'm not gonna abandon you
after you had a major surgery.
1769
01:10:24,750 --> 01:10:25,750
Russell...
1770
01:10:25,958 --> 01:10:27,333
there is no "us".
1771
01:10:27,833 --> 01:10:29,875
This trip is over.
1772
01:10:30,833 --> 01:10:31,833
I'm goin' home.
1773
01:10:33,125 --> 01:10:34,125
Alone.
1774
01:10:34,958 --> 01:10:37,416
Wait, so you're just gonna leave
without me?
1775
01:10:37,708 --> 01:10:38,541
[scoffs]
1776
01:10:38,625 --> 01:10:39,625
We're brothers!
1777
01:10:39,708 --> 01:10:41,083
You're gonna make me say it, huh?
1778
01:10:41,166 --> 01:10:42,083
Don't hit me.
1779
01:10:42,166 --> 01:10:44,000
I never wanna see you again!
1780
01:10:44,375 --> 01:10:45,875
I don't wanna be in a car with you,
1781
01:10:46,166 --> 01:10:50,291
or any enclosed space,
with you or that supposed family,
1782
01:10:50,625 --> 01:10:51,708
for the rest of my...
1783
01:10:52,333 --> 01:10:53,791
now-shortened life.
1784
01:10:54,791 --> 01:10:57,791
Let's just go back to pretending
that neither of us even exist.
1785
01:10:59,708 --> 01:11:01,541
Is that clear enough for you, Russell?
1786
01:11:03,166 --> 01:11:04,041
[man] Alan.
1787
01:11:04,125 --> 01:11:05,125
- Finally.
- [screams]
1788
01:11:05,666 --> 01:11:06,666
[grunts]
1789
01:11:06,750 --> 01:11:08,708
I don't know him!
I'll use my warning whistle!
1790
01:11:08,791 --> 01:11:11,333
[whistling]
1791
01:11:12,625 --> 01:11:13,708
[tires skid]
1792
01:11:16,291 --> 01:11:17,666
[Alan panting]
1793
01:11:19,958 --> 01:11:21,625
[Alan grunting]
1794
01:11:22,458 --> 01:11:23,916
[continues panting]
1795
01:11:25,041 --> 01:11:25,875
Hey.
1796
01:11:26,041 --> 01:11:27,333
This is my house.
1797
01:11:27,708 --> 01:11:29,375
Who the hell would bring us here?
1798
01:11:30,083 --> 01:11:31,416
[man] I understand...
1799
01:11:31,958 --> 01:11:34,041
you're looking for me.
1800
01:11:36,125 --> 01:11:37,125
[gasps]
1801
01:11:37,708 --> 01:11:40,333
- What the hell are you doin'?
- I'm playing dead.
1802
01:11:40,416 --> 01:11:43,041
This way, he sees you're alive,
he'll kill you first,
1803
01:11:43,125 --> 01:11:45,083
buy me time to plot my escape.
1804
01:11:48,625 --> 01:11:50,083
[man] And now...
1805
01:11:50,750 --> 01:11:52,625
you will regret...
1806
01:11:53,083 --> 01:11:55,125
that you have...
1807
01:11:55,208 --> 01:11:57,166
found...
1808
01:11:58,000 --> 01:11:59,208
me.
1809
01:11:59,833 --> 01:12:00,833
Jaspar?
1810
01:12:00,916 --> 01:12:02,416
In the flesh.
1811
01:12:04,083 --> 01:12:05,083
Revive him.
1812
01:12:05,625 --> 01:12:07,291
- [electricity crackles]
- [screams]
1813
01:12:07,375 --> 01:12:10,625
[pants] Oh! That made my nipples dance.
1814
01:12:10,916 --> 01:12:12,416
[shudders] I thought I was a goner.
1815
01:12:12,500 --> 01:12:14,333
Thank you, kind sir, for saving my life.
1816
01:12:14,666 --> 01:12:17,458
- I'm forever indebted...
- Enough of the buffoonery!
1817
01:12:18,083 --> 01:12:20,041
Y-You know, despite the obvious...
1818
01:12:21,000 --> 01:12:22,500
we look exactly alike.
1819
01:12:22,750 --> 01:12:24,833
You and I? Hardly.
1820
01:12:25,666 --> 01:12:26,666
Us?
1821
01:12:27,166 --> 01:12:28,166
Negative.
1822
01:12:28,708 --> 01:12:30,083
You two, however...
1823
01:12:30,166 --> 01:12:31,666
[chuckles] It's uncanny.
1824
01:12:32,166 --> 01:12:33,291
Twinsies.
1825
01:12:33,625 --> 01:12:35,708
I find it ironic that I...
1826
01:12:36,166 --> 01:12:39,291
am the black sheep of the family.
1827
01:12:41,666 --> 01:12:43,166
- Laugh!
- [laughs]
1828
01:12:43,250 --> 01:12:44,750
[laughing]
1829
01:12:44,833 --> 01:12:46,166
I didn't... I didn't get it.
1830
01:12:46,291 --> 01:12:47,791
[whispers] Laugh, Russell. [laughs]
1831
01:12:48,041 --> 01:12:49,625
[laughing]
1832
01:12:50,291 --> 01:12:51,625
[Russell] Get it? [laughs]
1833
01:12:51,708 --> 01:12:54,000
'Cause he's really light-skinned
and yellow,
1834
01:12:54,333 --> 01:12:56,041
like jaundiced chicken or something.
1835
01:12:56,125 --> 01:12:57,458
[Russell laughs]
1836
01:12:57,916 --> 01:12:59,416
Oh. That's not funny.
1837
01:13:01,000 --> 01:13:02,750
You know, growing up, I...
1838
01:13:03,291 --> 01:13:04,666
I never quite fit in.
1839
01:13:05,041 --> 01:13:07,416
Oh, Lord. Here we go.
1840
01:13:07,500 --> 01:13:10,333
A black kid, light skin, red hair.
1841
01:13:11,000 --> 01:13:15,208
I was called all kind of terrible,
derogatory names.
1842
01:13:16,083 --> 01:13:17,500
"Strawberry Shortcake."
1843
01:13:18,000 --> 01:13:19,500
"The Butterscotch Kid."
1844
01:13:20,416 --> 01:13:22,000
"Little Orphan Annie."
1845
01:13:22,625 --> 01:13:23,708
I have to admit...
1846
01:13:24,083 --> 01:13:25,666
it was a hard-knock life.
1847
01:13:26,000 --> 01:13:27,208
[awkward laugh]
1848
01:13:27,458 --> 01:13:29,375
They called me "ninger."
1849
01:13:29,458 --> 01:13:31,416
You know what a "ninger" is?
1850
01:13:32,041 --> 01:13:34,833
It's an "n" - word and a ginger, mixed.
1851
01:13:34,916 --> 01:13:36,416
It's good, it's good.
1852
01:13:37,208 --> 01:13:42,041
You throw two derogatory terms together
and you make me a "ninger"?
1853
01:13:42,125 --> 01:13:43,583
[growls]
1854
01:13:44,541 --> 01:13:48,583
But despite the odds, I found my place...
1855
01:13:48,666 --> 01:13:49,875
[shuddering breaths]
1856
01:13:49,958 --> 01:13:51,041
in the world.
1857
01:13:51,125 --> 01:13:52,791
You see, gentlemen,
1858
01:13:52,875 --> 01:13:56,875
I collect sensitive information
for high net-worth individuals,
1859
01:13:57,250 --> 01:13:58,333
and the government,
1860
01:13:59,000 --> 01:14:01,666
and I've run the occasional
offshore black site,
1861
01:14:01,750 --> 01:14:04,166
but that was just really
for my entertainment.
1862
01:14:04,250 --> 01:14:05,750
[laughs]
1863
01:14:05,833 --> 01:14:07,333
[stammers] So, you're a spy?
1864
01:14:07,416 --> 01:14:09,625
Officially, I don't exist.
1865
01:14:10,000 --> 01:14:10,833
[exhales]
1866
01:14:10,916 --> 01:14:11,833
Cool!
1867
01:14:11,916 --> 01:14:13,583
Yet, your wife...
1868
01:14:13,666 --> 01:14:14,750
[chuckles]
1869
01:14:15,791 --> 01:14:19,833
called The Pentagon about me, seven times.
1870
01:14:19,916 --> 01:14:21,333
She's just persistent.
1871
01:14:21,625 --> 01:14:24,208
And that raises red flags, Alan.
1872
01:14:24,708 --> 01:14:26,541
I don't like red flags.
1873
01:14:26,625 --> 01:14:28,833
Gonna have to agree with Jaspar
on that one.
1874
01:14:28,916 --> 01:14:30,500
Red flags are not good.
1875
01:14:30,583 --> 01:14:32,250
Would you shut the fuck up?
1876
01:14:32,333 --> 01:14:33,958
You shut up. [inhales deeply]
1877
01:14:37,208 --> 01:14:40,291
Why are you...
1878
01:14:40,750 --> 01:14:42,166
trying...
1879
01:14:43,625 --> 01:14:45,541
[yelling] to find me?
1880
01:14:45,625 --> 01:14:48,708
I-I just wanted to meet my family,
so I tracked down our birth mother,
1881
01:14:48,791 --> 01:14:50,125
but she was dead.
1882
01:14:50,458 --> 01:14:52,125
- That's the truth!
- Lies!
1883
01:14:52,666 --> 01:14:54,541
He has a really juicy mouth, right?
1884
01:14:55,000 --> 01:14:58,375
- I gotta teach you the hard way.
- [stammers] What's that? What's that box?
1885
01:14:58,708 --> 01:15:01,583
- [Jaspar] Liar, liar...
- [stammers] I'm not lying! I swear.
1886
01:15:01,666 --> 01:15:05,125
- What's that? What's that?
- ...pants on fire.
1887
01:15:05,875 --> 01:15:07,916
You gonna attach that to my balls?
Wait, wait, wait!
1888
01:15:08,000 --> 01:15:09,120
Okay, listen. I'm not lyin'.
1889
01:15:09,166 --> 01:15:10,041
I'm having a baby!
1890
01:15:10,125 --> 01:15:11,958
You won't have no baby no more.
1891
01:15:12,041 --> 01:15:13,208
And Russell, well,
1892
01:15:13,291 --> 01:15:15,833
- he got so much TV left to watch.
- I do.
1893
01:15:15,916 --> 01:15:18,083
I don't think he's seen anything
after 1984.
1894
01:15:20,958 --> 01:15:22,750
Television. Huh.
1895
01:15:24,333 --> 01:15:26,791
So, uh, what's your favorite show?
1896
01:15:27,166 --> 01:15:28,166
Ooh.
1897
01:15:28,208 --> 01:15:30,333
The Rockford Files.
1898
01:15:31,125 --> 01:15:33,041
Oh!
1899
01:15:33,541 --> 01:15:35,375
Rockford Files.
1900
01:15:35,458 --> 01:15:37,041
- Mm-hmm.
- [Jaspar] Here's a fun fact.
1901
01:15:37,458 --> 01:15:41,708
I am the largest collector
of Rockford memorabilia
1902
01:15:42,083 --> 01:15:44,166
this side of the Western Hemisphere!
1903
01:15:44,250 --> 01:15:45,333
Impressive.
1904
01:15:45,416 --> 01:15:46,416
[Jaspar] In fact...
1905
01:15:46,708 --> 01:15:49,333
I own the original picture car.
1906
01:15:49,416 --> 01:15:50,250
Braggart.
1907
01:15:50,333 --> 01:15:53,458
Y-You know, Russell owns
the only existing copy
1908
01:15:53,541 --> 01:15:55,250
of the operating manual for that car.
1909
01:15:55,583 --> 01:15:56,583
Don't you, Russell?
1910
01:15:57,750 --> 01:15:58,583
Does he?
1911
01:15:58,666 --> 01:16:01,333
Some stupid rich guy
keeps trying to get it from me,
1912
01:16:01,416 --> 01:16:02,833
and I tell him, "No, idiot."
1913
01:16:03,916 --> 01:16:05,458
You're the one.
1914
01:16:05,541 --> 01:16:07,333
- Oh, it's you.
- Uh-oh.
1915
01:16:07,416 --> 01:16:09,250
I've been lookin' for that.
1916
01:16:09,333 --> 01:16:12,000
- I'm gonna fry your fat balls!
- I-I-I... Wait. Hold on.
1917
01:16:12,083 --> 01:16:16,000
Listen, I can vocalize the theme song
to Rockford Files with near perfect pitch.
1918
01:16:16,083 --> 01:16:16,916
Who cares?
1919
01:16:17,000 --> 01:16:19,208
[vocalizing]
1920
01:16:25,041 --> 01:16:26,250
Take it away, Alan!
1921
01:16:26,666 --> 01:16:29,625
[Alan and Russell vocalizing]
1922
01:16:30,041 --> 01:16:33,000
Oh. [imitates drums]
1923
01:16:33,166 --> 01:16:35,333
["Rockford Files"
instrumental theme plays]
1924
01:16:35,875 --> 01:16:36,708
Take it away, Jack!
1925
01:16:36,791 --> 01:16:38,916
[imitates harmonica]
1926
01:16:40,250 --> 01:16:42,458
[Russell imitates harmonica]
1927
01:16:42,541 --> 01:16:44,875
[vocalizing]
1928
01:16:50,458 --> 01:16:53,000
[Alan imitates guitar]
1929
01:16:53,875 --> 01:16:55,583
[scatting]
1930
01:16:55,666 --> 01:16:57,916
[Alan imitates synthesizer]
1931
01:16:58,625 --> 01:16:59,625
[laughs]
1932
01:17:00,416 --> 01:17:01,416
Ow!
1933
01:17:03,583 --> 01:17:05,583
Let 'em go! Untie 'em!
1934
01:17:05,666 --> 01:17:07,166
- Thank you.
- [Jaspar scatting]
1935
01:17:08,333 --> 01:17:09,333
[Jaspar chuckles]
1936
01:17:09,666 --> 01:17:11,666
And to think, I was gonna kill ya.
1937
01:17:12,250 --> 01:17:15,666
But you still haven't told me the truth!
1938
01:17:15,750 --> 01:17:16,916
- [screams]
- Wh-whoa!
1939
01:17:17,000 --> 01:17:18,541
What are you doin'? This is crazy!
1940
01:17:18,625 --> 01:17:21,458
"Crazy" is being raised
1941
01:17:21,541 --> 01:17:23,125
in a State home
1942
01:17:23,208 --> 01:17:27,708
by government psychiatrists
that lie about who you are!
1943
01:17:28,041 --> 01:17:29,041
Okay, that's crazy.
1944
01:17:29,083 --> 01:17:32,666
Never feeling the embrace
of your mother.
1945
01:17:33,958 --> 01:17:36,625
Not one frickin' hug, Alan.
1946
01:17:36,791 --> 01:17:38,041
[sobs] Not one.
1947
01:17:38,875 --> 01:17:41,958
Well, as the only one here who has
received the embrace of his mother,
1948
01:17:42,375 --> 01:17:44,041
I'll tell you, hugs are overrated
1949
01:17:44,416 --> 01:17:46,625
and a breeding ground for diseases.
1950
01:17:47,083 --> 01:17:48,916
[whispering] Shut the hell up!
1951
01:17:49,166 --> 01:17:50,625
Besides, Mama smells weird.
1952
01:17:51,083 --> 01:17:53,541
Like moth balls and used floss string.
1953
01:17:53,625 --> 01:17:55,666
Now it's time...
1954
01:17:56,333 --> 01:17:57,916
to say your goodbyes.
1955
01:17:58,000 --> 01:17:58,916
Jaspar, please.
1956
01:17:59,000 --> 01:17:59,875
Bye, Alan.
1957
01:17:59,958 --> 01:18:01,708
- [cocks gun]
- Please, please, please.
1958
01:18:01,791 --> 01:18:03,291
- [gasps]
- [door closes]
1959
01:18:03,375 --> 01:18:07,166
What in the highest heavens is goin' on?
1960
01:18:07,750 --> 01:18:09,250
Russell, I know this ain't no party,
1961
01:18:09,333 --> 01:18:11,041
'cause you ain't got no damn friends.
1962
01:18:11,125 --> 01:18:12,166
Aw, Mother.
1963
01:18:12,708 --> 01:18:13,791
What're you doing home?
1964
01:18:13,875 --> 01:18:14,875
Mother?
1965
01:18:14,958 --> 01:18:17,166
Yeah, there was an E. coli outbreak
on the cruise ship,
1966
01:18:17,250 --> 01:18:18,791
so they let us off in Ensenada.
1967
01:18:19,291 --> 01:18:22,375
Now, somebody need to start talkin'
before I get my belt.
1968
01:18:22,833 --> 01:18:24,500
Or worse, my shotgun.
1969
01:18:25,458 --> 01:18:27,041
I-I thought you was dead.
1970
01:18:27,125 --> 01:18:28,500
That's news to me.
1971
01:18:31,333 --> 01:18:32,333
I'm Alan.
1972
01:18:33,958 --> 01:18:34,958
I'm your son.
1973
01:18:35,375 --> 01:18:37,000
My Lord. Alan?
1974
01:18:38,291 --> 01:18:40,291
Oh, my God. My baby?
1975
01:18:41,083 --> 01:18:43,166
Look at you. You all growed up.
1976
01:18:44,083 --> 01:18:46,083
So tall and handsome.
1977
01:18:46,708 --> 01:18:48,833
You look just like your brother.
[sniffles]
1978
01:18:49,583 --> 01:18:51,291
I told you. Twinsies.
1979
01:18:51,375 --> 01:18:52,958
Same hairline and everything.
1980
01:18:53,416 --> 01:18:55,208
Oh, it's uncanny!
1981
01:18:55,791 --> 01:18:58,458
Oh, so good to see you. Come here.
1982
01:18:59,041 --> 01:19:00,791
- Oh!
- [Alan gasping]
1983
01:19:00,875 --> 01:19:03,708
- Feels so good to have you in my arms!
- [muffled] Mom...
1984
01:19:03,791 --> 01:19:05,458
- It's been so long.
- [Alan gasping]
1985
01:19:05,541 --> 01:19:08,833
Hey, Alan, you smell it? You smell
the moth balls and the dentures?
1986
01:19:08,958 --> 01:19:11,250
Just breathe them bosom scents. Yes!
1987
01:19:11,333 --> 01:19:13,453
- [Alan grunting]
- Okay, okay, that's enough, Mother.
1988
01:19:14,125 --> 01:19:15,541
[strained gasping]
1989
01:19:15,833 --> 01:19:16,666
[coughs]
1990
01:19:16,750 --> 01:19:18,375
I just got carried away.
1991
01:19:18,458 --> 01:19:20,375
- [Jaspar wailing]
- [Alan sniffs]
1992
01:19:20,833 --> 01:19:22,208
Who stepped on a cat?
1993
01:19:22,291 --> 01:19:24,625
[wailing]
1994
01:19:24,708 --> 01:19:25,708
Oh, Jaspar.
1995
01:19:26,041 --> 01:19:27,875
[shuddering breaths]
1996
01:19:28,208 --> 01:19:30,375
Oh, my Lord. Jaspar?
1997
01:19:30,458 --> 01:19:32,166
[crying] Yes, Mother.
1998
01:19:32,625 --> 01:19:35,166
I'd recognize that face anywhere.
1999
01:19:35,833 --> 01:19:37,083
You do? Oh, Mother!
2000
01:19:37,416 --> 01:19:40,000
Oh, you got all the Irish in you, boy.
2001
01:19:40,375 --> 01:19:41,375
One thirty-fourth.
2002
01:19:41,791 --> 01:19:45,125
Look at you with all them
beautiful pink undertones,
2003
01:19:45,208 --> 01:19:47,666
with your honey-almond complexion.
2004
01:19:48,291 --> 01:19:50,958
Look at my lilttle redbone. Mm-mm.
2005
01:19:51,041 --> 01:19:52,750
[yells] Now, put that goddamn gun down,
2006
01:19:52,833 --> 01:19:55,708
- 'fore I spank the pink out yo ass!
- I'm sorry, Mother. I'm so sorry.
2007
01:19:55,791 --> 01:19:57,416
Who the hell you think you are?
2008
01:19:57,666 --> 01:19:58,958
I've been a bad boy.
2009
01:19:59,041 --> 01:19:59,916
Yes, you have.
2010
01:20:00,000 --> 01:20:01,291
I think I need a whooping.
2011
01:20:01,375 --> 01:20:04,916
You could just spank me
all over my little red tushie.
2012
01:20:05,000 --> 01:20:06,416
[Jaspar whines]
2013
01:20:06,666 --> 01:20:08,000
- Oh, baby.
- Oh, Mother.
2014
01:20:08,083 --> 01:20:09,541
It's not your fault, honey.
2015
01:20:09,875 --> 01:20:11,083
It's not your fault.
2016
01:20:11,166 --> 01:20:13,750
Oh, Mother. Your big man hands.
2017
01:20:13,833 --> 01:20:16,125
Mama should've know
something like this was gonna happen.
2018
01:20:16,833 --> 01:20:19,666
[shuddering breaths]
You all were just babies when I...
2019
01:20:20,041 --> 01:20:22,625
[crying] dropped you off
like an old bag of dirty clothes.
2020
01:20:23,833 --> 01:20:24,833
I was young.
2021
01:20:25,125 --> 01:20:28,041
A single mom with six babies. No husband.
2022
01:20:28,125 --> 01:20:29,625
[inhales deeply] No family.
2023
01:20:30,250 --> 01:20:31,291
I had no one.
2024
01:20:31,375 --> 01:20:32,791
It's such a stereotype.
2025
01:20:33,250 --> 01:20:34,083
It's okay.
2026
01:20:34,166 --> 01:20:37,208
[inhales deeply]
'Cause now all y'all have each other.
2027
01:20:37,541 --> 01:20:38,625
Thanks to you, Alan.
2028
01:20:40,166 --> 01:20:42,250
So, why would you tell me she was dead?
2029
01:20:42,333 --> 01:20:43,583
All right, Alan, listen.
2030
01:20:44,083 --> 01:20:46,458
When you said you were my brother,
I panicked.
2031
01:20:46,541 --> 01:20:48,666
I thought you was trying
to take Mother from me.
2032
01:20:48,750 --> 01:20:49,875
Oh, baby.
2033
01:20:49,958 --> 01:20:51,791
So, why would you come along?
2034
01:20:51,875 --> 01:20:53,875
When I found out
there was more of you...
2035
01:20:53,958 --> 01:20:54,958
Well, "us"...
2036
01:20:55,250 --> 01:20:56,541
I had to see for myself.
2037
01:20:57,000 --> 01:20:58,000
And, well...
2038
01:20:58,125 --> 01:20:59,708
since we hit the road together,
2039
01:20:59,958 --> 01:21:02,208
I've done things
I've only seen on television.
2040
01:21:03,083 --> 01:21:04,083
[sighs]
2041
01:21:04,375 --> 01:21:05,375
Alan...
2042
01:21:05,833 --> 01:21:07,291
these past few days...
2043
01:21:07,791 --> 01:21:09,458
were the greatest of my life.
2044
01:21:10,166 --> 01:21:13,166
[inhales deeply] And I know
I'm not the family that you wanted...
2045
01:21:13,958 --> 01:21:15,541
But you're the family I got.
2046
01:21:16,166 --> 01:21:17,166
Wow.
2047
01:21:17,583 --> 01:21:20,166
This remind me
of all those classic sitcom finales.
2048
01:21:20,250 --> 01:21:23,083
[inhales deeply]
Make you feel all warm and tingly inside.
2049
01:21:23,541 --> 01:21:24,541
[laughs]
2050
01:21:26,583 --> 01:21:27,583
Bros?
2051
01:21:28,791 --> 01:21:29,791
Bros.
2052
01:21:31,583 --> 01:21:32,666
[Lynette] Look at my baby.
2053
01:21:32,750 --> 01:21:35,958
I'm so glad y'all made up, 'cause I was
about to make y'all kiss on the mouth.
2054
01:21:36,500 --> 01:21:38,583
- That's how we do.
- I want a kiss on the mouth.
2055
01:21:38,666 --> 01:21:40,833
Well, Mom, I guess if I'm gonna have
a first kiss,
2056
01:21:40,916 --> 01:21:42,541
- why not it be Alan?
- No!
2057
01:21:42,625 --> 01:21:45,145
I always thought it was gonna be
with Tootie from Facts of Life.
2058
01:21:45,208 --> 01:21:47,368
- [cell phone vibrates]
- I never thought my first kiss
2059
01:21:47,416 --> 01:21:49,458
- would be with my brother. Ready?
- Excuse me.
2060
01:21:49,583 --> 01:21:51,083
Marie. You're not gonna believe this,
2061
01:21:51,166 --> 01:21:53,486
but I was on my way home,
and I got kidnapped. Crazy, ri...
2062
01:21:53,541 --> 01:21:55,125
- [Marie] My water broke.
- Your what?
2063
01:21:55,416 --> 01:21:56,791
My water broke!
2064
01:21:56,875 --> 01:21:58,750
[stammers] You gotta get to the hospital.
2065
01:21:58,833 --> 01:22:02,541
I got you a long t-shirt that says,
"Mom Hair, Don't Care."
2066
01:22:02,625 --> 01:22:04,705
All I need is some weed
'cause I'm a little stressed.
2067
01:22:04,750 --> 01:22:07,750
Alan, get back here! Do you hear me?
2068
01:22:07,833 --> 01:22:09,083
I'm havin' the baby!
2069
01:22:09,166 --> 01:22:10,416
[yells] Get back here!
2070
01:22:10,500 --> 01:22:11,875
- [line disconnects]
- O-Okay.
2071
01:22:14,291 --> 01:22:15,291
It's Marie.
2072
01:22:15,458 --> 01:22:16,500
She's in labor.
2073
01:22:16,833 --> 01:22:17,875
The baby's comin'!
2074
01:22:17,958 --> 01:22:18,833
- Oh, wow!
- Yippee!
2075
01:22:18,916 --> 01:22:20,750
Lord, God is good. I'm gonna be a grandma!
2076
01:22:20,833 --> 01:22:22,875
I'm gonna be an uncle! Uncle Russell.
2077
01:22:23,291 --> 01:22:24,291
Terrible name.
2078
01:22:24,500 --> 01:22:25,666
Hey, Alan.
2079
01:22:26,041 --> 01:22:27,041
Take my car.
2080
01:22:28,875 --> 01:22:29,875
Thanks...
2081
01:22:30,125 --> 01:22:30,958
bro.
2082
01:22:31,041 --> 01:22:33,375
I'll stay with Mother. Maybe get that hug.
2083
01:22:33,833 --> 01:22:35,875
Oh, that's so sweet of you, baby.
2084
01:22:35,958 --> 01:22:38,000
If you scratch it, I'll kill ya.
2085
01:22:39,375 --> 01:22:41,458
[laughs] I was just joshin'.
2086
01:22:41,541 --> 01:22:42,750
[laughs]
2087
01:22:42,833 --> 01:22:43,833
No, I'm not.
2088
01:22:44,166 --> 01:22:45,958
Come on, Alan. Let's ride!
2089
01:22:46,041 --> 01:22:47,291
Come on, Russell. Come on!
2090
01:22:47,375 --> 01:22:48,208
- Bye, Mom!
- Bye, Mom!
2091
01:22:48,291 --> 01:22:51,171
And make sure you change your underwear.
You know you got that high-wipe!
2092
01:22:55,666 --> 01:22:57,250
Oh, shit!
2093
01:22:57,333 --> 01:23:02,583
A gold 1976 Pontiac Firebird Esprit!
2094
01:23:02,666 --> 01:23:04,500
The same one driven in...
2095
01:23:04,583 --> 01:23:06,541
[both] The Rockford Files!
2096
01:23:08,958 --> 01:23:10,958
- Come on, Russell. Let's go.
- No, Alan.
2097
01:23:13,375 --> 01:23:14,708
I'll drive.
2098
01:23:16,000 --> 01:23:17,333
[keys jangling]
2099
01:23:18,541 --> 01:23:20,083
[scatting]
2100
01:23:21,041 --> 01:23:21,875
Hood slide!
2101
01:23:21,958 --> 01:23:23,583
[grunting]
2102
01:23:23,666 --> 01:23:24,666
Russell!
2103
01:23:25,291 --> 01:23:26,125
I'm okay.
2104
01:23:26,208 --> 01:23:27,250
What are you doing?
2105
01:23:27,625 --> 01:23:29,125
I always wanted to do that.
2106
01:23:29,500 --> 01:23:30,875
You're on the wrong side.
2107
01:23:30,958 --> 01:23:31,958
Oh.
2108
01:23:37,166 --> 01:23:38,166
Buckle up.
2109
01:23:38,958 --> 01:23:40,875
'Cause we're about to take off!
2110
01:23:40,958 --> 01:23:42,375
[engine turns over]
2111
01:23:42,458 --> 01:23:44,458
[tires squeal]
2112
01:23:47,833 --> 01:23:49,041
Sorry, Miss Gallagher!
2113
01:23:51,958 --> 01:23:52,833
[accelerates]
2114
01:23:52,916 --> 01:23:54,708
Keep it between the lines, Russell!
2115
01:23:54,916 --> 01:23:57,708
Yeah, well, there's only so much
you could learn from a manual, Alan.
2116
01:24:11,833 --> 01:24:13,250
[tires squeal]
2117
01:24:16,458 --> 01:24:18,083
[tires skid]
2118
01:24:18,166 --> 01:24:19,500
Go around. Go around 'em!
2119
01:24:19,583 --> 01:24:20,666
[tires squeal]
2120
01:24:23,375 --> 01:24:25,500
- [siren wails]
- Uh-oh! Here comes the fuzz.
2121
01:24:25,583 --> 01:24:27,000
Russell, go! Go, go, go!
2122
01:24:27,083 --> 01:24:28,333
[siren wailing]
2123
01:24:28,416 --> 01:24:29,333
[tires skid]
2124
01:24:29,416 --> 01:24:30,791
[accelerating]
2125
01:24:30,875 --> 01:24:32,583
["Two Dragons" plays]
2126
01:24:32,666 --> 01:24:35,083
Don't worry, Alan.
They'll never take us alive!
2127
01:24:35,166 --> 01:24:36,208
That's the idea! Let's go!
2128
01:24:36,291 --> 01:24:39,750
Well, they won't take you alive,
but I'm gonna surrender. Sorry.
2129
01:24:41,583 --> 01:24:42,583
[tires squeal]
2130
01:24:43,125 --> 01:24:44,833
[siren wailing]
2131
01:24:44,916 --> 01:24:46,333
[accelerates]
2132
01:24:46,791 --> 01:24:48,500
[tires skidding]
2133
01:24:49,000 --> 01:24:50,166
[tires squeal]
2134
01:24:50,250 --> 01:24:51,333
Hold on, Alan!
2135
01:24:52,208 --> 01:24:54,041
- Aah!
- [tires skidding]
2136
01:24:54,125 --> 01:24:55,416
[accelerates]
2137
01:24:55,500 --> 01:24:56,625
Watch out, coming through!
2138
01:24:56,708 --> 01:24:57,908
- [tires skid]
- Watch the car!
2139
01:24:59,708 --> 01:25:00,625
- [Alan] Oh!
- Move!
2140
01:25:00,708 --> 01:25:01,708
[tires skid]
2141
01:25:01,750 --> 01:25:04,208
Alan, all these cars
are going the wrong way!
2142
01:25:04,291 --> 01:25:05,583
No, you're goin' the wrong way!
2143
01:25:06,125 --> 01:25:07,333
- [tires skid]
- [screams]
2144
01:25:07,625 --> 01:25:08,458
My bad!
2145
01:25:08,541 --> 01:25:09,708
[tires squeal]
2146
01:25:10,625 --> 01:25:13,250
This is like Dukes of Hazzard
without the racist car.
2147
01:25:16,333 --> 01:25:18,166
[tires squeal]
2148
01:25:21,750 --> 01:25:23,875
- All right, Alan. Hospital's coming up!
- Okay.
2149
01:25:26,333 --> 01:25:29,083
I'm gonna slow down a little,
and I need you to tuck and roll.
2150
01:25:29,166 --> 01:25:31,375
What? You want me
to jump out of a moving car?
2151
01:25:31,458 --> 01:25:33,583
It worked for Jim Rockford every time!
2152
01:25:33,666 --> 01:25:34,666
I ain't Rockford!
2153
01:25:34,750 --> 01:25:36,416
[tires skid]
2154
01:25:36,500 --> 01:25:37,666
[accelerating]
2155
01:25:37,750 --> 01:25:39,208
Now, do it! Go!
2156
01:25:40,541 --> 01:25:42,375
- [Alan screams]
- Whoo!
2157
01:25:42,625 --> 01:25:43,458
[grunts]
2158
01:25:43,541 --> 01:25:44,375
Oh!
2159
01:25:44,458 --> 01:25:45,875
It worked. [groans]
2160
01:25:46,083 --> 01:25:47,166
[tires skid]
2161
01:25:47,458 --> 01:25:48,541
[tires squeal]
2162
01:25:51,083 --> 01:25:52,708
Not today, fuzz.
2163
01:25:53,291 --> 01:25:55,333
[accelerating]
2164
01:25:55,750 --> 01:25:56,583
[gasps]
2165
01:25:56,666 --> 01:25:57,750
[tires skidding]
2166
01:25:57,833 --> 01:25:59,125
Aah!
2167
01:26:00,791 --> 01:26:01,916
[tires squeal]
2168
01:26:02,000 --> 01:26:04,375
That was a J-turn! I did a J-turn!
2169
01:26:04,458 --> 01:26:05,458
Go!
2170
01:26:07,333 --> 01:26:08,583
[siren wailing]
2171
01:26:09,500 --> 01:26:10,916
[tires skid]
2172
01:26:11,000 --> 01:26:12,750
Eat my dust, copper!
2173
01:26:13,250 --> 01:26:14,416
[tires squeal]
2174
01:26:15,458 --> 01:26:17,625
[siren wails]
2175
01:26:18,500 --> 01:26:19,916
[tires squeal]
2176
01:26:20,000 --> 01:26:22,333
[panting] I'm looking for my wife,
Marie Daniels?
2177
01:26:22,416 --> 01:26:23,576
- Right in there.
- Thank you.
2178
01:26:23,625 --> 01:26:24,625
Mm-hmm.
2179
01:26:24,916 --> 01:26:26,356
[Ethan] Doc, you got the good angle.
2180
01:26:26,416 --> 01:26:28,041
Alan! Glad you could join us.
2181
01:26:28,125 --> 01:26:29,125
Alan!
2182
01:26:29,166 --> 01:26:31,375
- Baby's a little early, but it looks good.
- Oh!
2183
01:26:31,458 --> 01:26:33,041
Your brother's been a big help.
2184
01:26:34,000 --> 01:26:34,833
Ethan?
2185
01:26:34,916 --> 01:26:36,716
- What's up, bro?
- You're doing great, Marie.
2186
01:26:36,791 --> 01:26:37,625
Keep breathing.
2187
01:26:37,708 --> 01:26:39,666
Wow! The resemblance is...
2188
01:26:40,791 --> 01:26:42,500
[both] uncanny.
2189
01:26:42,916 --> 01:26:44,708
Man, we look just alike!
2190
01:26:45,083 --> 01:26:46,958
I mean, if somebody just...
[inhales sharply]
2191
01:26:47,041 --> 01:26:48,583
sucked all the cool out of me,
2192
01:26:48,666 --> 01:26:50,291
and I was a law-abiding citizen,
2193
01:26:50,583 --> 01:26:51,958
and I didn't kick puppies,
2194
01:26:52,208 --> 01:26:54,416
- or try to drown goldfish.
- [Marie] Hey!
2195
01:26:54,791 --> 01:26:57,875
- I'm having a baby here. If you could...
- Oh, hey. Hey, honey.
2196
01:26:57,958 --> 01:26:59,208
- Baby.
- [PA beeps] Code Red.
2197
01:26:59,291 --> 01:27:00,625
- Code Red.
- Hi, baby.
2198
01:27:00,708 --> 01:27:03,125
Labor and Delivery is locked down
under police order.
2199
01:27:03,208 --> 01:27:06,541
Okay. Not to make it weird,
but I'mma need you to speed things up.
2200
01:27:07,000 --> 01:27:09,500
I may be spendin' the first year
of the baby's life in prison.
2201
01:27:09,583 --> 01:27:10,500
- What?
- No biggie.
2202
01:27:10,583 --> 01:27:12,143
- No biggie. It's okay, baby.
- [groans]
2203
01:27:13,375 --> 01:27:15,416
Damn. It's the po-po.
2204
01:27:15,500 --> 01:27:16,500
Fo sho-sho.
2205
01:27:17,375 --> 01:27:18,916
Why is the po-po after you?
2206
01:27:19,000 --> 01:27:22,000
Uh, speeding, reckless driving,
possible vehicular assault.
2207
01:27:22,583 --> 01:27:23,833
We was in a high-speed chase.
2208
01:27:23,916 --> 01:27:26,375
Oh! [laughs] Respects, my G.
2209
01:27:26,458 --> 01:27:28,291
- What?
- It's okay, we got away.
2210
01:27:28,375 --> 01:27:29,250
Well, almost.
2211
01:27:29,333 --> 01:27:31,000
- [door rattles]
- [Marie groans]
2212
01:27:31,083 --> 01:27:32,416
You know what? Look here.
2213
01:27:32,958 --> 01:27:35,875
You gotta be here for Marie and that baby.
2214
01:27:37,375 --> 01:27:38,541
I'mma need your pants.
2215
01:27:39,041 --> 01:27:40,083
My pants?
2216
01:27:40,916 --> 01:27:42,876
[woman] You are doing so good.
You're doing great.
2217
01:27:42,958 --> 01:27:43,958
Hey, Ethan.
2218
01:27:44,208 --> 01:27:46,708
Thank you so much, man.
I really appreciate this.
2219
01:27:46,791 --> 01:27:49,166
Hey, man. Ain't no thang
but a chicken wang.
2220
01:27:49,375 --> 01:27:50,375
We family, right?
2221
01:27:50,750 --> 01:27:52,791
Hey, about that partnership at work?
2222
01:27:53,291 --> 01:27:54,208
You welcome.
2223
01:27:54,291 --> 01:27:55,458
[snickers]
2224
01:27:55,541 --> 01:27:57,000
[sucks teeth] You feel me?
2225
01:27:58,791 --> 01:28:00,791
Oh! Gross.
2226
01:28:01,083 --> 01:28:02,958
- Hey, hey.
- [shuddering breaths]
2227
01:28:03,041 --> 01:28:05,250
- [Marie] Hi, baby.
- Hey, Ponch! John!
2228
01:28:05,541 --> 01:28:07,291
Come get your boy. Come on.
2229
01:28:07,375 --> 01:28:09,416
- [grunts]
- [both] Oh!
2230
01:28:09,500 --> 01:28:10,541
[yells]
2231
01:28:10,625 --> 01:28:12,541
Okay. Oh, hey, hey. Hey, okay, okay.
2232
01:28:12,625 --> 01:28:14,875
- [deep breaths]
- Okay, I'm here. Listen, listen.
2233
01:28:14,958 --> 01:28:16,500
I just want to say I'm so sorry.
2234
01:28:16,583 --> 01:28:18,500
Okay, I got so caught up
meetin' my new family,
2235
01:28:18,583 --> 01:28:21,500
I forgot to appreciate
the one I have right here at home.
2236
01:28:21,666 --> 01:28:23,833
I will never do it again, I promise.
2237
01:28:23,916 --> 01:28:25,916
I'm pretty sure when the drugs wear off,
2238
01:28:26,125 --> 01:28:29,500
I'm gonna be so mad at you,
and I'mma wanna bang you in the face.
2239
01:28:29,583 --> 01:28:31,583
[crying] But I'm just so happy
to have you here.
2240
01:28:31,666 --> 01:28:33,041
Always. Always.
2241
01:28:33,458 --> 01:28:35,125
All right, Marie. I can see the head.
2242
01:28:35,208 --> 01:28:36,416
Just give me one more push.
2243
01:28:36,500 --> 01:28:38,267
- Okay. Okay.
- Ready? Come on, we'll breathe.
2244
01:28:38,291 --> 01:28:39,541
One, two, three.
2245
01:28:39,625 --> 01:28:40,750
[deep breaths]
2246
01:28:40,833 --> 01:28:41,666
- Push!
- Come on.
2247
01:28:41,750 --> 01:28:44,166
[yells]
2248
01:28:45,333 --> 01:28:47,083
[hip hop plays]
2249
01:28:49,791 --> 01:28:51,166
[people chattering]
2250
01:28:56,666 --> 01:28:59,416
[Russell] I watch a lot
of Murder, She Wrote on this new iPad.
2251
01:28:59,500 --> 01:29:01,833
- Hey, Douglas.
- It's like having a TV in your pocket.
2252
01:29:01,916 --> 01:29:03,083
Babies, be careful!
2253
01:29:03,166 --> 01:29:05,958
Now, you know there's avocado
in that nine-month layer dip.
2254
01:29:06,041 --> 01:29:08,333
- I knew it. I knew it.
- [spitting]
2255
01:29:08,750 --> 01:29:10,166
- [retches]
- That is just nasty.
2256
01:29:10,250 --> 01:29:11,083
What the hell?
2257
01:29:11,166 --> 01:29:12,000
Gross.
2258
01:29:12,083 --> 01:29:14,625
And why the hell
is there nine layers in a dip?
2259
01:29:14,708 --> 01:29:17,208
Everybody know
dip only supposed to have seven layers.
2260
01:29:17,291 --> 01:29:18,125
[Dawn] True.
2261
01:29:18,208 --> 01:29:20,726
- After that, you just repeating.
- Worse than being waterboarded.
2262
01:29:20,750 --> 01:29:21,875
That's white people dip.
2263
01:29:21,958 --> 01:29:25,000
Now, Ethan, hush your mouth.
You know these negroes are bougie.
2264
01:29:25,083 --> 01:29:27,250
And Russell, you be careful.
It makes you colic-y.
2265
01:29:27,333 --> 01:29:28,458
- [Dawn] Eww.
- Okay, Mom.
2266
01:29:28,541 --> 01:29:30,000
[Dawn] Why you wearing corduroy?
2267
01:29:30,083 --> 01:29:32,458
- You make my balls stink.
- [Russell] Stop, Dawn.
2268
01:29:32,791 --> 01:29:35,500
- I want to play Candy Land.
- Welcome to Wakanda!
2269
01:29:35,583 --> 01:29:36,791
[laughs]
2270
01:29:37,208 --> 01:29:40,833
[stammers] Uh, baby, I think
I should do somethin' about the dip.
2271
01:29:41,250 --> 01:29:42,916
Who doesn't like avocado?
2272
01:29:43,000 --> 01:29:44,333
Oh, that's a family trait.
2273
01:29:44,625 --> 01:29:46,250
[chuckles] That's right, baby.
2274
01:29:46,541 --> 01:29:47,541
I'll help you, Mom.
2275
01:29:47,625 --> 01:29:48,875
- Want to take her?
- Yeah.
2276
01:29:49,291 --> 01:29:50,833
- She's all yours.
- I got her.
2277
01:29:50,916 --> 01:29:52,875
[Ethan] Hey, where the Domino's at?
2278
01:29:52,958 --> 01:29:55,118
What kind of black barbecue
ain't got no damn Domino's?
2279
01:29:55,166 --> 01:29:58,086
Looks like I brought a little bit more
to the table than you thought, huh?
2280
01:29:58,125 --> 01:30:00,291
Well, a couple of 'em
look like they should be in jail.
2281
01:30:00,375 --> 01:30:01,416
- Hey, man!
- Candy Land!
2282
01:30:01,500 --> 01:30:02,500
Yes, let's do this!
2283
01:30:02,541 --> 01:30:03,666
[all speaking indistinctly]
2284
01:30:03,750 --> 01:30:05,041
[Alan chuckles]
2285
01:30:05,416 --> 01:30:08,333
Should be? A couple of them have been.
2286
01:30:09,083 --> 01:30:11,333
But you know what? That's my family.
2287
01:30:12,125 --> 01:30:15,833
And I'm gonna teach this little girl
to love her family unconditionally.
2288
01:30:15,916 --> 01:30:17,000
[baby coos]
2289
01:30:19,416 --> 01:30:22,541
Bro, I just want to thank you
from the bottom of my heart
2290
01:30:22,625 --> 01:30:24,291
for what you did for this family.
2291
01:30:24,375 --> 01:30:26,625
- You gonna be an amazing daddy.
- Thank you.
2292
01:30:26,708 --> 01:30:28,375
Even though our father wasn't shit.
2293
01:30:28,750 --> 01:30:30,916
Aw, thanks, Dawn.
That was almost emotional.
2294
01:30:31,375 --> 01:30:34,125
Now, as for you, Uncle Ben.
2295
01:30:34,208 --> 01:30:37,250
Let me tell you somethin'.
I don't care what kind of judge you are,
2296
01:30:37,333 --> 01:30:39,583
Judge Judy, Judge Reinhold,
2297
01:30:39,666 --> 01:30:40,875
Ashley Judge,
2298
01:30:40,958 --> 01:30:42,833
it don't make no difference to me.
2299
01:30:42,916 --> 01:30:45,625
Don't be throwin' shade
at my brother, okay?
2300
01:30:45,708 --> 01:30:47,875
'Cause I don't mind goin' to jail.
2301
01:30:47,958 --> 01:30:50,916
- I like jail.
- Uh, easy there, easy now.
2302
01:30:53,083 --> 01:30:54,250
For life, bro.
2303
01:30:55,875 --> 01:30:56,875
For life.
2304
01:30:57,541 --> 01:30:59,083
- For life, sis.
- That's how we do.
2305
01:30:59,458 --> 01:31:01,416
- Look at me. I'm watchin' you.
- [grunts]
2306
01:31:03,750 --> 01:31:05,916
I-I think she just threatened me, Alan.
2307
01:31:06,000 --> 01:31:07,875
Oh, that sounded more like a promise.
2308
01:31:08,125 --> 01:31:10,500
[chuckles]
You want me to tell her back off?
2309
01:31:10,583 --> 01:31:12,666
Well, if you would be so kind. I mean...
2310
01:31:12,750 --> 01:31:14,083
Are you askin' me for a favor?
2311
01:31:14,166 --> 01:31:17,166
- Uh... what?
- You know, 'cause it sounded like a favor.
2312
01:31:17,250 --> 01:31:19,958
Oh, no. Just... just a gesture,
a kind gesture on your part.
2313
01:31:20,041 --> 01:31:22,375
Well, if you're askin' me for a favor,
I'd like to hear it.
2314
01:31:22,458 --> 01:31:23,500
[stammering]
2315
01:31:23,583 --> 01:31:24,416
Dawn!
2316
01:31:24,500 --> 01:31:26,791
As a favor to me,
would you ask her to back off, Alan?
2317
01:31:26,875 --> 01:31:28,541
[chuckles]
2318
01:31:28,625 --> 01:31:29,625
I got you.
2319
01:31:29,666 --> 01:31:31,291
Hey, Alan! Quick, come here!
2320
01:31:31,375 --> 01:31:33,458
Baby Pete wants to say "hi" to his niece.
2321
01:31:33,750 --> 01:31:35,375
And you could say "hi" to your kidney.
2322
01:31:35,458 --> 01:31:37,618
Come on, bring that little nappyhead baby
on over here!
2323
01:31:37,666 --> 01:31:38,708
Oh, leave that baby alone.
2324
01:31:38,791 --> 01:31:42,166
- All right, I'm comin', I'm comin'!
- Wait, wait, let me... Let me hold her.
2325
01:31:42,708 --> 01:31:44,583
- Give my regards to Peter.
- Hi, Pee-pee!
2326
01:31:44,666 --> 01:31:45,666
Hey, Pee-pee.
2327
01:31:46,083 --> 01:31:48,958
Aw, man, she got my face.
2328
01:31:49,041 --> 01:31:50,166
Yeah, and your height.
2329
01:31:50,250 --> 01:31:52,166
[all laugh]
2330
01:31:52,250 --> 01:31:53,541
Salud!
2331
01:31:54,375 --> 01:31:55,208
[slurping]
2332
01:31:55,291 --> 01:31:57,041
Are you drinking with my kidney?
2333
01:31:57,125 --> 01:32:00,000
Oh, get over it, Alan.
You ain't gettin' it back!
2334
01:32:00,083 --> 01:32:01,083
I'mma take it back.
2335
01:32:01,125 --> 01:32:03,041
Oh, you got to find me first!
2336
01:32:03,125 --> 01:32:04,583
[all laugh]
2337
01:32:04,666 --> 01:32:07,083
I know exactly where he's at.
His coordinates are right here.
2338
01:32:07,166 --> 01:32:09,333
I've a drone in the area.
Want me to send in a strike?
2339
01:32:09,416 --> 01:32:11,541
- I will, I could do it.
- Hey, Mama.
2340
01:32:12,541 --> 01:32:13,666
Oh, my Lord.
2341
01:32:14,291 --> 01:32:15,541
Is that my Baby Pete?
2342
01:32:15,833 --> 01:32:17,041
Hey, Mama!
2343
01:32:18,041 --> 01:32:21,458
Got all my babies together
at the same time?
2344
01:32:21,541 --> 01:32:24,041
Oh, Lord heard my prayer. [sniffles]
2345
01:32:24,125 --> 01:32:27,125
I went to church Sunday through Wednesday
for this moment.
2346
01:32:27,208 --> 01:32:28,416
[all] Mama! Mama!
2347
01:32:28,500 --> 01:32:31,458
Mama's good now. Mama's good.
I'm just overwhelmed with emotion.
2348
01:32:31,541 --> 01:32:33,333
If she dies, I get the jewelry.
2349
01:32:33,416 --> 01:32:35,416
She's just feelin' the spirit of the Lord.
2350
01:32:35,500 --> 01:32:37,666
I'm gettin' emotional here. [sniffles]
2351
01:32:37,750 --> 01:32:40,333
[humming]
2352
01:32:40,416 --> 01:32:41,958
Family photo time, y'all!
2353
01:32:42,083 --> 01:32:45,291
If it's not on the 'Gram, it's a scam!
2354
01:32:45,750 --> 01:32:47,666
Now, come on, babies. Come on.
2355
01:32:48,500 --> 01:32:49,500
Ow!
2356
01:32:49,541 --> 01:32:50,541
Thank you.
2357
01:32:50,625 --> 01:32:51,875
What'd you hit me for?
2358
01:32:52,208 --> 01:32:54,375
It's not nice. I'm tellin' Mother.
2359
01:32:54,458 --> 01:32:56,291
Mother! Ethan hit me!
2360
01:32:56,791 --> 01:32:58,625
I hate having brothers and sisters.
2361
01:32:59,166 --> 01:33:00,916
I want to be an only child again!
2362
01:33:01,208 --> 01:33:03,625
Bring it on in, fam. Bring it on in.
2363
01:33:04,041 --> 01:33:05,791
Russell, Russell, pay attention.
2364
01:33:05,875 --> 01:33:08,416
I want to see everybody in there.
Miss Lynette, bring it in.
2365
01:33:08,500 --> 01:33:11,017
This reminds me of the school picture
episode of Eight Is Enough
2366
01:33:11,041 --> 01:33:13,541
- where a young Nicholas Bradford...
- [all] Shut the hell up!
2367
01:33:13,625 --> 01:33:14,625
Hush!
2368
01:33:14,833 --> 01:33:16,000
[Dawn groans]
2369
01:33:16,083 --> 01:33:17,083
You shut up.
2370
01:33:17,541 --> 01:33:18,541
Not you, Mom.
2371
01:33:18,916 --> 01:33:22,125
Okay, on three, two, one...
2372
01:33:22,541 --> 01:33:24,041
- Family!
- [blows raspberry]
2373
01:33:24,208 --> 01:33:25,125
["My House" plays]
2374
01:33:25,208 --> 01:33:26,833
♪ Welcome to my house ♪
2375
01:33:26,916 --> 01:33:29,333
♪ Baby, take control now ♪
2376
01:33:29,416 --> 01:33:31,833
♪ We can't even slow down ♪
2377
01:33:32,000 --> 01:33:34,750
♪ We don't have to go out ♪
2378
01:33:38,375 --> 01:33:40,500
♪ Welcome to my house ♪
2379
01:33:43,458 --> 01:33:45,708
♪ Welcome to my house ♪
2380
01:33:46,291 --> 01:33:49,583
♪ Morning comes
And you know that you wanna stay ♪
2381
01:33:51,458 --> 01:33:54,833
♪ Close the blinds
Let's pretend that the time has changed ♪
2382
01:33:56,583 --> 01:33:59,833
♪ Keep our clothes on the floor
Open up champagne ♪
2383
01:34:01,666 --> 01:34:04,666
♪ Let's continue tonight
Come on, celebrate ♪
2384
01:34:04,750 --> 01:34:08,000
- ♪ That's how we do it ♪
- ♪ Sometimes you gotta stay in, in ♪
2385
01:34:08,083 --> 01:34:10,166
♪ Welcome to my house ♪
2386
01:34:10,250 --> 01:34:12,791
- ♪ Baby, take control now ♪
- ♪ Now ♪
2387
01:34:12,875 --> 01:34:15,208
♪ We can't even slow down ♪
2388
01:34:15,416 --> 01:34:18,041
♪ We don't have to go out ♪
2389
01:34:18,250 --> 01:34:20,416
♪ Welcome to my house ♪
2390
01:34:20,500 --> 01:34:22,916
- ♪ Play that music too loud ♪
- ♪ Turn it up, turn it up ♪
2391
01:34:23,000 --> 01:34:25,541
- ♪ Show me what you do now ♪
- ♪ Show me now ♪
2392
01:34:25,625 --> 01:34:28,500
- ♪ We don't have to go out ♪
- ♪ Go out ♪
2393
01:34:28,791 --> 01:34:31,500
♪ Welcome to my duck off the crib
The spot, the pad ♪
2394
01:34:31,583 --> 01:34:34,250
♪ But my house is your house
If you throwin' it back ♪
2395
01:34:34,375 --> 01:34:36,541
♪ Excuse me if my home bringing the sad ♪
2396
01:34:36,625 --> 01:34:39,625
♪ Soon as these happy faces lay
You can run with the cash ♪
2397
01:34:39,708 --> 01:34:42,000
♪ Home run, slam dunk, touchdown, pass ♪
2398
01:34:42,083 --> 01:34:44,541
♪ Mi casa es tu casa
So it ain't no holding back ♪
2399
01:34:44,625 --> 01:34:47,125
♪ Another shot of vodka
You know what's in my glass ♪
2400
01:34:47,208 --> 01:34:48,833
♪ It's my house, just relax ♪
2401
01:34:48,916 --> 01:34:51,125
♪ Welcome to my house ♪
2402
01:34:51,208 --> 01:34:53,541
- ♪ Play that music too loud ♪
- ♪ Turn it up ♪
2403
01:34:53,625 --> 01:34:56,208
♪ Show me what you do now ♪
2404
01:34:56,291 --> 01:34:59,166
- ♪ We don't have to go out ♪
- ♪ Go out ♪
2405
01:35:01,041 --> 01:35:02,601
♪ We ain't gotta go out, 'cause what? ♪
2406
01:35:02,666 --> 01:35:04,083
♪ Welcome to my house ♪
2407
01:35:04,166 --> 01:35:05,833
♪ It's my house, my house ♪
2408
01:35:06,833 --> 01:35:07,750
♪ What? What? ♪
2409
01:35:07,833 --> 01:35:09,166
♪ Welcome to my house ♪
2410
01:35:09,250 --> 01:35:11,583
[echoing] ♪ It's my house ♪
2411
01:35:12,333 --> 01:35:14,208
[instrumental music plays]
2412
01:35:16,343 --> 01:39:51,343
Sub by Dongle Mann