[upbeat music]
‐ I love you. I've known for a while now.
‐ I love you, too.
I'm just gonna say it. I want my job back.
Fuck!
‐ Annie begged for her job back.
I said yes, she's here, and all is well.
‐ For the millionth time, Fran is a lesbian.
‐ So? You can be a lesbian and marry a man.
FRAN: I don't need to figure things out.
I like what I'm doing with my life.
‐ I did not raise you this way.
‐ Are you okay? ‐ No.
RYAN: Annie! ‐ Ryan?
‐ I got a job here, too.
ANNIE: I feel like this might have to be
a one‐time‐only fucking‐at‐work experience.
‐ What? Are you serious?
GABE: I'm having this dinner thing I do once a month.
It's like an intellectual salon.
‐ Oh, my God, yes. I know about them.
‐ You're in?
AMADI: Annie, this is Nick.
Nick's probably the best illustrator
who's ever lived in Portland.
‐ Sheila, I want to introduce you
to one of your star employees, Annie Easton.
‐ Hello, I'm Fat. That piece blew my mind.
CODY: I'm not that cool.
I'm not the one that's having sex in the office.
‐ What?
Did you tell everyone that we fucked in the office?
‐ I'm sorry.
‐ Let's get right to it.
Gabe is the best, but at what cost?
‐ No boys allowed?
‐ I thought it would be a nice gesture
to take your protégé out for lunch.
FRAN: Guys, I've gathered you here,
best friends and most importantly
no one I've ever fucked. [laughter]
Let's get fuckin' wasted and blow up some fucking fireworks.
[cheering]
EMILY: I'm trying to tell you I like you.
I like you a lot.
‐ I don't want to be your mom.
I want an adult. Like, I want a real partner.
‐ Are you breaking up with me? ‐ Actually, yes, I am.
‐ What are you gonna do now?
Are you gonna go date other guys?
‐ Yeah, that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
[cheers and explosions]
[Empress Of's "Love Is a Drug" playing]
♪ ♪
‐ You're so fuckin' sexy. ‐ [chuckles]
‐ I'm gonna fuck you all night. ‐ Then do it.
EMPRESS OF: ♪ I know love is a drug ♪
♪ I know money is a drug ♪
♪ I know sex can be a drug ♪
♪ But I just want to be touched ♪
♪ I know love is a drug ♪
♪ I know money is a drug ♪
♪ I know sex can be a drug ♪
♪ But I just want to be touched ♪
♪ I start to‐‐ ♪ ‐ [moans]
[groaning softly] ‐ Um...
I‐‐
did you‐‐did you just‐‐
where'd it go?
‐ It's right there.
‐ Oh.
Okay, I didn't realize 'cause it was‐‐it's‐‐
JOE: Yeah. ‐ Just a drop.
‐ You can say it.
I cum small loads.
[sighs] I'm sorry.
‐ No, it's okay. JOE: Goddamn it.
‐ It's‐‐it's totally fine.
‐ I'm sure I got a old napkin
or something I can wipe it with.
Here. Use this.
‐ Oh, well this is my skirt.
EMPRESS OF: ♪ I know love is a drug ♪
♪ I know money is a drug ♪
♪ I know sex can be a drug ♪
♪ But I just want to be touched ♪
‐ I cum small 'cause I take Propecia
'cause I'm afraid of going bald.
I used to cum huge ropes before, just‐‐
‐ Oh, yeah. It's‐‐it's totally fine.
And I believe you about...
your ropes. [chuckles]
‐ Thanks. ANNIE: Yeah.
And I actually think it's better in a lot of ways
because cum is disgusting.
It's very gross, so.
‐ You think it's gross?
‐ Well, um, no.
No, I don't think it's‐‐ I've‐‐I‐‐I love it.
I love it and I...
I always want more of it.
Um.
Joe, are you okay?
‐ Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. ANNIE: Okay.
‐ I'm sorry. ‐ No.
‐ I just got a complex, you know?
My mom says I gotta find a wife before all my hair falls out.
I'm scared of missing my window
and ending up this alone,
bald, unfuckable guy.
‐ Well, I'm here because I think you're fuckable.
And I think your hair looks good.
‐ Thanks.
‐ [chuckles]
‐ You know...
you got a lot of hair. ‐ [chuckles]
JOE: You got, like, too much of this stuff.
‐ I know.
‐ I feel like maybe you'd only need a little bit of Propecia.
‐ Where do you think? There? Here?
‐ Maybe just‐‐ yeah, a little spot.
‐ Okay. ‐ Right up here.
‐ And it's a pill that I put on my head?
‐ Yeah, just rub a pill on top of your head.
‐ [chuckling] Okay.
That sounds good. [chuckles] ‐ Yeah.
Did I say something wrong? Is this‐‐
‐ No, no, I, um‐‐ I just‐‐no.
I'm not that naked with that many people.
And I felt like we were maybe moving out of hookup world
into, like, joke world,
so I thought I might put my shirt back on.
‐ Oh, yeah. Totally.
Shirts on, butts out. ‐ [chuckles]
Yeah, it's just‐‐
I just broke up with my boyfriend, like, two months ago
and, you know, dating other people is fun,
but, like, sex can be kind of wonky.
I don't know. We're doing good, though.
You're here, I'm here, we're here for each other, so.
‐ It's so hot when you talk to me like a marriage counselor.
‐ [chuckles]
‐ Do you want to maybe keep this going?
I don't know. Have another drink, reset?
[soft dramatic music]
‐ Yeah.
[Banzai Florist's "Love Me Back, Clairo"]
Mm, mm‐hmm.
‐ Oh, my God. So good. ‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ Really. Like heavenly, honestly.
‐ Maybe the rib of an angel? JOE: Yeah.
Once the angel turns three, you take it out,
shoot it in the head and that's how you get a rib.
‐ Mm‐hmm. JOE: Mm‐hmm.
‐ I like it when you do that. ‐ What?
‐ Just a little look.
♪ ♪
‐ Where are you taking me? ‐ Just going to the couch.
‐ [chuckles]
♪ ♪
BANZAI FLORIST: ♪ And get them moving 'round ♪
♪ Spend all day staring at screens ♪
♪ I think I've had enough ♪
[music stops] ‐ Whoa.
‐ What? ‐ Fuck.
‐ What did I do?
‐ I mean, you just went fully for my butthole
and I just met you, like, five hours ago.
‐ I was going for the vagina. ‐ But from behind?
What do you think, my clit's in my ass?
‐ No. [stutters]
They're close to each other, right?
‐ I don't think they're that close.
I would say they're, like, miles apart.
‐ Well, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I was just confidently trying to go down there and‐‐
‐ I'm sorry,
do you have barbecue sauce on your fingers still?
‐ It's just a little.
‐ Okay, I don't want barbecue sauce in my asshole.
‐ Okay. It's not hot sauce, though.
This is not gonna burn you.
This is just brown sugar and ketchup.
‐ What the fuck is wrong with you?
Do you even know what a girl wants?
‐ Yes, yes, I know what a girl wants, okay?
I know what a girl wants.
I know clitoris stuff, I know‐‐
I even know about the nipple stuff.
‐ [chuckling] Okay, God. ‐ I know about that stuff.
[sobbing softly]
[door shuts]
‐ Uh...
Joe?
JOE: [sobbing softly]
‐ Uh, Joe? I'm sorry.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad.
It's, like, 4:00 a. m., okay? So I think I'm gonna go.
JOE: No, don't go! Please!
You said you're here for me!
‐ Uh, yes, and I‐‐I get that.
I just‐‐you know,
I understand it's hard to put yourself out there
and I've been there, too.
JOE: Okay, good. So you'll stay.
‐ Yes. I‐‐I will. I'm‐‐
I'm here, okay?
[peaceful music]
♪ ♪
‐ Um, I want you to have these, though.
‐ Oh, thank you.
Um...
well, I'm gonna go
'cause I'm probably gonna be late for work, so.
‐ Yeah.
‐ Um...
is it always this bad?
Dating?
‐ No.
This was unusually awful.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
‐ I can't believe you're firing me.
‐ No, no, no, buddy. We're not firing you, okay?
We're just reducing your hours.
Think about it like this.
Who doesn't love a long weekend, huh?
‐ Well, I guess this will give me more time
to work on my novel.
It's like Watership Down but with snakes.
‐ If I lose my job, I'm screwed.
‐ Hey, listen. It's going to be okay, Maureen.
Your life is already so bad, so depressing, mediocre.
‐ Maybe to the untrained eye,
but I actually have it going on.
‐ Uh, listen.
It might be a blessing in disguise.
Everyone has told me personally they hate you here.
‐ Who?
AMADI: But remember, it's not personal, okay?
Everybody's taking some cuts.
Thanks.
Hey, Annie. Can I talk to you for a second?
‐ Mm‐hmm, yeah. ‐ Great.
Uh...
your job's safe.
‐ Oh, my God. You fucking scared me.
‐ Are you kidding me? You're Sheila's golden girl.
She said that your articles are bringing in all the clicks.
But, um, keep this quiet
because you and I are the only two people
whose hours aren't getting cut.
‐ Oh, no.
‐ They had a big meeting with the board last night
and they decided that the only way to keep the paper going
were brutal cutbacks.
I had to fire, like, four people this morning.
‐ What? Are you okay?
‐ Yeah.
Well, I'm annoyed
because Gabe, he's not touching any of this stuff.
‐ Wow.
‐ He gets to be fun dad still and I gotta be mean mom.
‐ No, don't say that. You're a really nice mom.
‐ Thank you for believing in me.
Okay, well, we're gonna
reshuffle the office a little bit.
‐ Sure. ‐ Could you take Angus's desk?
‐ What am I supposed to use?
‐ Oh, set up by the printer table.
Right in the middle of all the action, bud.
‐ Cool.
‐ You're creepy good at this.
‐ I'm just creepy. ‐ Yeah.
[upbeat pop music]
♪ ♪
‐ That was incredible. ‐ [chuckles]
‐ Really. Thank you for your service.
‐ It's my honor.
I feel like I know all your little spots now
so I can get that done in, like, three minutes.
‐ It's my gift. ‐ [chuckles]
Oh, Jesus. It's 1:00.
I have a new client coming at 1:30.
I have to get out of bed.
‐ Or maybe she could lie in between us
and you could cut her hair here.
‐ Mm, no. That's not gonna work.
'Cause I need your full weight on me.
‐ Okay.
Get ready for it.
[chuckling]
MAUREEN: Well, there goes our health insurance.
Just when I was gonna get a new neck.
This sucks.
ANDY: What am I supposed to do with all this free time?
Have sex with my nympho wife?
‐ Hey, guys.
Uh, I just want to say I know these cuts are so hard
and I truly, truly hate it.
‐ Yeah, we know you're fine, Annie,
so don't lie to our face.
[bell ringing] ‐ Attention!
Attention, everyone. Please.
Please gather round.
This kind of thing‐‐ layoffs, cutbacks...
‐ Ugh.
‐ They're always disheartening. ‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ Makes you want to give up, doesn't it?
But believe me when I tell you
that good things can still happen.
‐ Yeah.
‐ Many of you have been aware
that I've been working on my tell‐all memoir.
Small‐town boy becomes underground glam rock demigod
and eventually, cultural policymaker,
power broker, and sage. RUTHIE: [gasps]
GABE: After a prolonged bidding war,
my book has been sold to a major publishing house.
‐ [chuckles] Whoo!
And they said gay men can't write books.
‐ Gabe, this is not a good time for this.
‐ Amani, we're a team.
My financial success is everyone's financial success.
‐ So do we get some of the money?
‐ I like that. I like levity. RUTHIE: Me, too.
‐ I'm like a salmon, you guys.
I've been moving upstream for a long time against haters,
against saboteurs, against...
curvy, young writers with anger issues.
But nevertheless, I have prevailed
and I will continue to spawn.
‐ Spawn. ‐ So let's just‐‐
huh?
[rings bell once]
‐ What the hell was that? I thought you two were good.
‐ Yeah. So did I.
[laid‐back music]
‐ Angus.
Angus, do I look okay? It's Nick.
‐ Who cares?
‐ Annie, Annie, Annie, you remember Nick, right?
From Gabe's party?
‐ No, I don't‐‐ I don't remember you at all.
‐ Oh, hurtful. Very hurtful.
'Cause I remember you.
‐ You do?
Good, I‐‐I‐‐I‐‐ I do remember you, too.
[chuckles]
‐ Well, Nick's dropping off the illustration for this week.
And thanks for hand‐delivering that.
‐ Yeah. Hey, I miss my friend.
‐ [chuckles] That's very sweet.
‐ Yes. This fucking rules.
‐ AMADI: Love it. ‐ Wow, look at that.
‐ This is you, actually. ‐ Me?
NICK: Yeah, did you catch that? You were my muse on this one.
‐ Yeah, that looks‐‐ that's exactly me
and then that's the, um,
the skeleton that I puke every day of my life.
‐ I mean, I notice the little things.
‐ [chuckles] AMADI: Cool.
‐ You wanna grab that coffee? ‐ Oh, I can't.
I gotta do that weekly phone call with Sheila.
‐ Okay, Mr. Big Boss Working Guy That's Gonna Blow Me Off.
‐ Yeah, what the heck? Are you Mr. Working Guy?
‐ Yes, sir. ANNIE: Day and night?
‐ [chuckles] Annie, you wanna grab a coffee?
‐ I think‐‐I think that I can.
Yes, I would‐‐ I would get a coffee.
‐ Oh. Do you need to check, or?
‐ I don't know. Who am I gonna ask, my daddy?
[chuckling] No, I'm okay.
NICK: No? ‐ I'm sorry.
I should've asked you. You're truly my boss.
‐ I didn't see anything. NICK: Mr. Boss, baby?
‐ Mr. Big Boss Man? ANNIE: [chuckles]
‐ You wanna do it? ‐ Yeah.
NICK: Let's do it. ‐ Okay.
Oh, shit. I forgot my purse.
Ugh. [chuckles]
‐ No.
How‐‐how would you possibly know
that banana's gonna be better than s'mores?
‐ I'm just very good at picking stuff.
‐ Uh, like your boyfriend? ‐ Mm, wow.
‐ Sorry. No, like, bearded shorts.
‐ The good thing is we broke up.
[chuckles] So.
He's gone. [chuckles]
‐ Yeah, I'm sorry. ‐ No, it's okay.
It's actually fine. [chuckles]
‐ Actually, me and my girlfriend of six years
just broke up, so.
‐ Wow.
I'm sorry.
‐ It's okay.
‐ Are you seeing anyone else?
‐ No.
I mean yeah, but not really.
Like, kinda dating but also
I think I just want to be single.
‐ Dating is a‐‐it's a lot.
I went on a date last night and the man did sort of ejaculate
a tiny, tiny dew drop onto my‐‐
NICK: Oh, my‐‐oh. ‐ Onto my arm.
‐ No. ANNIE: Just‐‐only this, though.
‐ Just a tiny...
‐ Is that normal? NICK: No.
I mean, this is normal.
‐ That seems like a lot, no?
‐ And if you're me, you're like,
even whipped cream on top.
ANNIE: [laughs]
‐ Shake out a cherry. ‐ [laughing]
Wow, I think you need to go to the doctor.
So that he can give you a big prize.
both: [chuckling]
‐ I gotta go. I gotta get to this meeting.
‐ Oh, yeah, yeah.
‐ Do I look okay?
Do I look like I'm, like, fucked up on milkshake?
‐ No, no, you look‐‐ you look good.
Um, do I look okay?
I don't have a meeting. I more just want to know.
‐ One, um, thing.
[fabric snips softly]
‐ [chuckles]
‐ You had a string on your skirt.
‐ Now, you're perfect.
‐ [chuckling] Okay.
Well, um, do you have your phone?
We kind of know each other now.
Like, we don't have to go through Amadi, you know?
Like, I'll put my number in here
and now, you can text me.
‐ Okay. I will. ‐ [chuckles]
‐ All right, bye. Bye, Annie.
‐ Bye.
SINGER: ♪ Never meant for all of this ♪
♪ Never meant for you to love ♪
♪ Never meant for you to try ♪
‐ So yeah, with first‐time clients,
I like to talk through the kind of thing you're thinking,
where you want to go with your hair.
‐ Yeah. I brought some inspiration.
This is what I'm thinking.
‐ Okay, well, I mean, this is Bob Marley.
‐ Didn't know who he was. ‐ Okay.
But you wanted dreadlocks like Bob Marley?
‐ Yeah, I think I could, like, really pull that off.
Don't you think I can pull it off?
‐ I don't, um, but it's not really about that.
Don't know if you ever heard of the term
cultural appropriation before?
‐ Oh, I love culture.
I went to Berlin once
and all my friends there had dreadlocks.
‐ Yeah, mm‐hmm, I'm sure they did.
Um, okay.
If I were to wear my hair in dreadlocks
and I went in to work, say, in an office,
I would get told to wear my hair straight
to look more professional.
‐ That would be really cute.
‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ Okay, yeah.
Um, you're not getting it.
Um, let's just not do this. I'm gonna ask you to leave.
‐ Wait, what? Why?
‐ Um, I tried to explain, but you weren't listening,
so let's just end this now.
‐ What is happening?
‐ Oh, it's nothing personal.
It's just that we hate you here.
‐ Bye, Sienna. ‐ Come on.
FRAN: Thanks so much for coming in.
SIENNA: Are you serious? FRAN: Absolutely.
‐ Please hurry up.
I just made food and you're keeping me from eating it.
Let's go. Boom, boom, boom.
ANNIE: Hi!
‐ Oh, you should just leave. She's not gonna do your hair.
‐ Oh...
kay.
‐ Fran, are you okay?
‐ I will be.
The rib is healing me.
But I honestly can't talk about it anymore.
I want to talk about the crying rib man.
‐ Oh, well honestly, the barbecue butthole
was, like, the most boring part of my day
because Nick came to my office and then we hung out.
‐ [gasps] Illustrator Nick?
‐ Yes. FRAN: What happened?
See, I knew you had the horniest vibe.
‐ [chuckles]
I mean, it just happened, like, we hung out.
And then at the end,
he bit a string off of my skirt.
I could, like, feel his breath on my thigh.
‐ Okay, that's some feral dog shit.
‐ That's horny as hell. ‐ [chuckles]
‐ These are brilliant ribs, and that is excellent gossip.
‐ I know, I think I've creamed my jeans,
like, a medical amount today
and now I have to throw away my car.
‐ So what are you gonna do?
Are you gonna laser‐focus on Nick?
‐ Um, I don't know.
I like him a lot, but maybe it's too soon.
Like, I feel like I've only been single for five minutes.
‐ You've been single for two months.
That's forever. ‐ Here's what you're gonna do.
‐ Oh, okay.
We've got a plan.
‐ Okay, so you have your main guy
that you're kind of cooking on low right now.
This is the guy you really like,
and you're not gonna fuck him until the time is right.
‐ Of course. EMILY: That's Nick.
And meanwhile, you've got all these other,
little tasting pots, okay?
‐ Like butt finger guy. ‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ And the little tasting pots? Those ones you can fuck.
EMILY: And that's what I did with Fran.
I low‐cooked Fran until the time was right.
‐ Well, I was your butt finger guy.
‐ You're my butt finger everything.
‐ [chuckles]
‐ No, this is‐‐ this is too beautiful.
I can't be here for this. This is too romantic.
[sighs] Okay, I'm gonna go upstairs and lay down
and I have to go to the gynecologist
at 7:30 in the morning, so.
‐ Smart to schedule it first thing in the morning
while the pussy's fresh.
‐ I think so.
Although what obligation do you think I have to tell the doctor
that I have barbecue sauce on my anus?
‐ She will know.
‐ Oh, she'll taste it. ‐ Excuse me?
‐ Oh, is that not how pap smears work in America?
Oh.
CARLA: Always good to see you, sweetie.
Sit tight and the doctor will be in in a minute.
‐ Okay. Thanks, Carla.
‐ Oh, Dr. Lai‐Shen got called away for an emergency C‐section
so you'll be seeing Dr. Montevista today.
She's very nice.
‐ Oh, wow, okay. Nobody told me that.
‐ We only have to tell you if it's a man.
[chuckles]
DR. MONTEVISTA: Okay.
Everything looks good.
We'll call you with your pap results when they come in.
‐ Okay, thank you.
‐ And I'm sure Dr. Lai‐Shen's mentioned this to you before,
but you should think about gastric bypass.
You're at a good age for it.
‐ I'm sorry. Think about what?
DR. MONTEVISTA: Getting bariatric surgery.
For your weight.
It's not healthy and that might be
the most realistic solution.
‐ Okay, um, but we didn't do, like,
any bloodwork or anything today.
Isn't that something that maybe you should look at
before you recommend a major surgery?
DR. MONTEVISTA: I don't need to do bloodwork to know
that your overall health will be improved by losing weight.
It's just a fact.
ANNIE: Okay.
Well, I'm not interested in the surgery.
DR. MONTEVISTA: Okay.
Have a good day.
[door opens]
[door closes]
Oh, shit.
Hey.
Hey, that was fuckin' fucked up!
You're gonna look at me for ten minutes
and tell me to cut my stomach out?
How is that medically ethical?
You're a bad person. You're a bad fuckin' person.
Fuck you. Fuck you!
Fuck!
SINGER: ♪ I walked until my face got red ♪
♪ I walked on ♪
♪ ♪
♪ The light inside my head went dead ♪
♪ I turned off ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I wish myself the best ♪
♪ But I'm broken ♪
♪ ♪