- All right, if I could have everyone's attention.
I know that we all have deadlines,
but this is very important.
There's been an inappropriate sexual incident in the office,
and we need to make sure everyone is crystal clear
on those rules.
- So somebody had sex in the office?
- Yeah. - Was it you, Cody?
Of course it was. - No. No, it wasn't.
- Look, I'm sorry. I'm just gonna say it, okay?
If you can find someone in this office
that loves you so much that you can have beautiful sex with,
that there can be ass eating and stuff like that,
it's not shameful.
It's honestly beautiful, okay?
CODY: It's tight.
I think it's actually good
if you find somebody that--
REGGIE: It's spiritual. - All right, you two,
I'm actually serious. We need to get through this.
So let's go ahead and get started.
- Sex. None of us would be here without it,
but we're all afraid of it and we don't know how to do it.
- O-- okay. Hey, Maureen.
MAUREEN: Is it-- AMADI: No--
MAUREEN: Is a orgasm-- AMADI: Hey, hey--
- Is a orgasm real?
- It is, and this is not part
- of what we're covering. MAUREEN: Is it-- is--
Raise your hand if you have had sex.
AMADI: That's good.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
AMADI: Scenario number one:
"Sammy and Sally are coworkers at a local restaurant.
"They begin dating.
"One day, Sally touches Sammy on the buttocks
"near the deep-fat fryer.
"A coworker, Susie, sees this and feels uncomfortable.
Does Susie have a legitimate complaint?"
- Literally, no one cares about Sally or Sumi or whoever.
Okay, I'm just worried that at some point,
Annie's gonna come up behind me and try to have sex with me.
AMADI: No, it's-- - Oh, God.
AMADI: That's inappropriate. Let's just answer the question.
I'm not invested in the Sally character.
You don't need to follow her journey.
- It's just an example. - Can-- can I go?
AMADI: No, you can't go.
RYAN: Okay, you know what? I'm sorry.
This is all my fault.
Yes, Annie and I did have sex
in the room with the computer wires.
- Not the computer wires.
But that was completely my idea.
She didn't even wanna do it.
I mean, I forced her to do that.
- Oh, shit! - [all clamoring]
- Actually, my-- No, no, no.
Actually, I'm-- no one was forced.
Noth-- no force.
Uh, actually, it was all consensual human adult sex,
and-- and I know that everyone is here because of us,
and I'm very sorry.
- So no rape. - [door closes]
AMADI: Great-- Hey, Gabe, Gabe,
- Gabe-- - What? What?
- You actually have to be here for this, too.
It's mandatory.
- Yuck. Pass.
ANDY: Amadi, can we go back to work?
My mama's been on hold this whole time.
- Really? No-- no, you can't.
We have to finish the entire binder.
- [all clamoring]
- I gotta get out of here. AMADI: Oh, okay,
you know what we're gonna do?
I'm gonna leave this binder here
and I want each and every one of you to read it, okay?
- Okay.
- Uh, does this mean that we can't have sex
- in the van anymore? - Oh, no. Yeah, that's fine.
- I'll see you at lunch. - Yeah.
Uh, schwing.
- Annie, wait up.
Hey. Can we just talk?
- That was so humiliating. - I know.
I'm sorry.
I-- I got you a present to say that I'm sorry.
- Oh. - Remember you once said
I should have another pillow on my bed
for when you sleep over?
- You know, after a meeting like that,
for me to be walking around the office with a pillow--
Like, it's a bad look.
- Right. Sorry about that. Do you...
wanna, like, talk at your place later or something?
- Okay, can I just have, like, one day to be mad?
And then tomorrow, you and I
can talk through the whole thing, okay?
- Sure. - Okay.
- Well...
I love you.
- Yeah, I-- I love you, too.
Okay.
[light music]
[Annie sighs]
- If it gets too loud, or goes too long,
I will call the cops.
- And somehow, you didn't mind
when Jeremy had his extremely obnoxious luau,
or when the Jensens had their folk jam sesh.
And what is it that they have in common?
You know? Oof, is it, um--
Is it their whiteness
or is it their Subarus?
- I-- - Are you calling me a racist?
- Oh, my God. Are you racist?
That's horrible.
[laughter]
- The Fran Fest, off to a great start.
- Yes, and now we can celebrate
that I am a single and truly free woman.
So is this whole party just a celebration
of you being single?
- And that I don't need anyone else to make me happy
because I'm the most amazing person that I know.
No offense.
- None taken.
- Bye.
- Are you helping? FRAN: No.
- No? Okay. FRAN: No.
[light music]
- There you are. I-- I am so sorry
that I caused this entire fucking nightmare.
- No, no, Annie, stop.
Really, that's just those meetings, you know?
- It's part of the job. - No.
- And to be honest with you,
don't say anything to anybody,
but I kinda love being the boss.
- Wait, really? - Yeah.
And then I can, like, shape the paper from the inside.
It's got me excited about the job again.
But I don't know.
Is that-- it's lame, though, in a way, right?
- No, that's not lame.
That's the opposite of lame.
That's, like, fulfillment. That's-- that's great.
That's-- I'm really happy for you.
- Hey, you okay?
- Uh--
No, not really. I--
I mean, this stuff with Ryan is such a fucking shit show.
And I feel like I lost any and all respect
that I just got back here.
And I feel like he doesn't even get
how truly bad it is.
- Yeah, he's dumb.
But he's also got a great heart.
I used to be a fuck up.
It was bad.
I'm lucky that Cindy decided
to stick it out with me.
- Yeah, but then what do you think, like,
made you change?
- Well, when Cindy got pregnant.
- Ooh. Okay, that's a damn.
- Well, different paths. - I should've known
I'd find Annie in an alley. - Oh.
- Hey, if you're giving hand jobs out here,
just be really careful, because there's
a lot of cop traffic back here.
- Well, that's a hot tip.
Thank you. - Thanks.
- Also, that publisher lady Sheila
wants to meet you for lunch in 30 minutes, so--
- Oh! - Oh, nice tits.
- Ruthie. - What?
- Didn't we just cover this in HR?
We just covered that. - Oh, yeah. Ahh!
- Wow. - Sorry. But that's cool.
- Lunch with Sheila. That's insane.
- That's awesome. - I gotta go to this.
Uh, excuse me. Can I go to this,
Mr. Big Boss?
- Mm, let me consult my ancestors.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah. - Ooh!
- Ooh!
- Congrats. Have fun.
[light piano music playing]
- I'm so glad you could make it.
You know, the building over there,
it's the "50 Shades" hotel.
- Oh.
- The one where he fucked her in the ass.
- Oh, no, I didn't know that.
And-- and thank you for the visual.
[both laugh]
- Oh, Annie, let's get right to it.
- Oh, sure.
- I need to pick your brain.
'Cause you're on the inside
and I need to make a decision about Gabe and Amadi.
- Oh, well, I mean, Amadi's literally the best.
- That's what I thought.
But I can't tell if he's up for
the management stuff long-term.
- Oh, I think he is.
I-- I mean, between you and me,
I actually think he really loves it.
- Oh, really?
- But you should definitely talk to him about this,
'cause I think he was saying it to me
as more of, like, a friend, you know?
- Right. Got it. [laughs]
- Sorry, what about Gabe?
- Mm, um, Gabe is busy doing a musical number
and pretending he's David Bowie
and starting fights
with the best writers he's got, so--
He's the best, but at what cost?
- Sure, sure, yeah, I could see that.
GABE: Hey.
Is this, um, no boys allowed?
- [chuckles] - Gabe!
- Couple of career women having a power munch.
Mind if I crash?
- Actually, I thought it'd be a nice gesture
to take your protégé out for lunch.
- I love that.
Yeah, Ruthie told me you were here.
I thought I'd come over and let you know
that I took a look at your piece,
and it is fucking amazing. - Oh, wow.
- [phone buzzing] - Thank you, Gabe.
GABE: Yeah. SHEILA: Oh, you don't need
to thank him, Annie, you did it.
- Oh, well, yeah, that's true,
but he did assign the piece, and, um, he also really
- helped me develop it. I-- - [phone buzzing]
I-- I'm so, so sorry.
I-- I think I have to take this call.
- Yeah. - Just excuse me
for one minute. - Sure.
- Mom?
Okay. Oh, my God. Um--
Yeah, I'll-- I'll be there
I'll be there as soon as I can.
Okay. I love you, too.
Um, I'm so, so sorry. I-- I--
I have to go right now,
but thank you so much, and--
Yeah, my parents just need me. - Oh, yeah.
- So, I'm so sorry. Sorry. - Yeah.
- Just let us know if everything's okay, Annie.
- Goodness.
Well, you're here. [clears throat]
Have a seat.
Well, I have to say, talking to Annie was enlightening.
She gave me a lot to think about.
- Annie did. - Mm-hmm.
Oh, you wanna hear something funny?
You know the building over there?
It's the "50 Shades" hotel.
The one where he fucked her
right in the ass. - [laughs]
- Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to suite 728B?
- Uh, sure. Uh, you might wanna write this down.
- Thanks. - Okay. That's in
the Fratelli Wing, so you're gonna wanna
take the north elevators to the mezzanine.
Thank you. And then make a right
at the vending machines.
Um, two rights and a left.
And you'll dead end in diagnostic imaging.
[tense music]
- Hi, I'm sorry, is this the Fratelli Wing?
♪ ♪
- Hey, uh-- - Dad!
- Oh! Oh. - Ohh!
All right, it's okay. Calm down.
- Honey, I'm sorry I scared you with that phone call.
It's all right. It is.
- It was more than all right.
These hospital ribs are the best I've ever had.
They gotta be from the cadavers, right?
- [laughs] They're not from the cadavers.
- No. - You friggin' idiot.
[laughter]
- Okay, what is happening?
- Well, it's kind of embarrassing, actually.
I, uh--
I hadn't gone to the bathroom in about ten days
'cause of my pain meds
and today I tried to give it my all. [laughs]
And I fainted on the toilet
and I hit my head on the counter, going down.
- I thought he had a seizure. - Dad!
- Ah, they're taking me in for tests in a few minutes
just to make sure.
- Wait, but make sure what?
- That it isn't anything more.
- It's fine. It's fine. - Okay.
- We're havin' fun, right? I got my buddy Ron here.
- What else could I want? - You remember
my first wife, right?
Yeah, I met her in a hospital.
And I remember I was on this gurney,
and I was so out of my mind on the drugs and everything,
and I looked at her, and I thought she was a witch,
but, like, the good-looking kind.
- Oh, my God. - [laughter]
- [phone buzzing] - Wait.
- Kill me now. - You know, my dad was born
in a hospital.
- Yeah, a lot of people are.
[hard rock music playing]
- Damn, she sent it to voicemail.
Fuck.
You know, it's kinda your fault.
I mean, you were telling everybody around
that, like, we had sex in the office.
- Hey! This-- this-- Man, that's not my fault.
It's the-- I can't-- I can't hold secrets in.
And I'll tell you another thing, all right?
Dude, you are the one that got Beau fired.
So you're-- you're the fuckin' narc, dude.
- I just replaced him. God.
I'm sorry.
- [horn honks] - Fucking finally.
Hup, hup, hup, yep, yep, hup, hup, stop!
Fuck, Kevin.
- I just wish Annie would talk to me.
I'm always fuckin' shit up that I care about,
and I love her, like, so much.
- Hey, Ryan.
That's a truly gorgeous statement.
- Thanks.
I mean it. I'm just tired of being a fuckup.
I wanna get my shit together.
Oh.
- Wow. REGGIE: What?
- I'm just so glad you called me,
'cause I hate when you guys don't tell me stuff.
- I know. You're right.
I need to be here for Dad, but...
I needed you.
Annie, I have to tell you something.
When I went to Vancouver, I wasn't trying
to get away from Dad or from you.
- Okay.
- You know, I lived in Vancouver for about a year
when I was about your age, actually.
- Mm. - And, um,
I worked in this Indian restaurant,
and I was a waitress,
and I think I was dating many of the waiters there
at the time. - Oh. Okay.
- Um, in fact, one I was engaged to.
- What? - Yeah.
- I didn't know you were engaged.
- For about three weeks.
- What was his name? - Bud.
- Bud? - Bud.
Anyway, Bud and I broke it off, and then...
I got into nursing school here in Portland.
And then I met your dad and before I knew it, I had you.
And then, oh, my God, I'm fucking old.
- [sighs] I don't think you're old.
- You know, when you get married,
or have a baby,
you commit yourself to caring
for someone more than yourself.
And I guess, in that moment, I just...
wanted to care about myself for a minute.
- Yeah, I get that.
I just-- I don't understand
why you couldn't just tell me that.
- [sighs]
I think it's because I was embarrassed.
I started driving, I drove to Vancouver,
I went to the restaurant.
It's not even a restaurant anymore.
Anyway, I should've told you.
I really should've told you,
and I didn't, and I regret that.
- Well,
I-- I also have something to tell you.
Um--
I, uh, I had an abortion.
- Oh, honey. - But it's good, actually.
Like, it was the right thing, you know?
And I-- I really-- I feel good about it.
- I'm so proud of you. Oh, my God.
You know, you could've talked to me about it.
I really would've understood.
- No, I do know that. I think I just...
needed to do it myself.
- But I know that. - Aw, honey.
Oh, honey. Oh.
- [sighs] - [phone chimes]
- Oh! Well, looks like your dad's back in the room.
- Oh. - I'm gonna spend the night
with him in the hospital tonight.
- Okay, um, well, I'll stay here tonight, too,
because I wanna be here when he gets his results.
- Oh, no. I don't think you should.
I mean, I'll text you if there's something wrong.
But there's really nothing you can do, and--
You should just go home.
- Really? - Yeah, really, really.
- I'll text you. - Okay.
- I'll see you later. - Okay.
- Oh, God. This place is a maze.
- [laughter, chatter] - [hip-hop music playing]
- Ooh! - Finally!
She puts on her party dress and joins the party.
- Ahh. EMILY: The maid of honor
is here, let's get this thing going.
- I have to say, I was imagining a much bigger party.
- Nope, just my nearest and dearest
and $75 worth of fireworks. - Whoo!
- Fireworks?
- I put alcohol in the ice cream.
- Yay! - I put weed in the weed!
- Whoa! - Whoo!
EMILY: Ooh!
["Trader Joe" playing]
JUNGLEPUSSY: ♪ Stank attitude bad allergies ♪
- [clinking glass] - Let's find some seats.
- Wow. - Shh.
- Ding, ding, ding. PERSON: Here we go!
- Guys, I've gathered you here, best friends
and most importantly, no one I've ever fucked.
ALL: Ooh! - What about that time
- you masturbated next to me? FRAN: That doesn't count.
- [all clamoring] - That counts!
FRAN: It doesn't count. - That counts.
FRAN: Okay. This is Fran Fest, uh, it doesn't count.
Um, anyway, uh--
I have been going through some shit,
and I've been thinking a lot about my life
and why dating is such trash.
- The British term is bin rubbish.
- Who invited you, actually?
- Who do you know here? - [laughter]
- And I realized that I am a very special creature.
[laughs] But I'm not alone
because I have all of you.
ALL: Aww!
- And I'm super fucking grateful,
so onto more pressing matters.
Um, please don't do any solids in the upstairs toilet.
Not naming any names. Emily.
- You gotta-- you have to wrap--
FRAN: Excuse me? - You have to wrap it up.
- I want ten minutes more. - No, no.
- So guys, let's get fuckin' wasted
and blow up some fuckin' fireworks.
[all cheering]
- [laughter] - Okay, okay,
I'm a Sagittarius,
are we compatible?
- Uh, yes, very, actually. BOTH: Ooh!
- Oh, yeah, great. - Okay, are we compatible?
- I'm a Taurus. - Ohh. Uh, no.
- No? - No, we're actually
- mortal enemies. - What?
- No! - But I love you
and sometimes the stars are wrong.
- They're wrong. - Okay,
- I'm gonna get more wine. - Wait.
- Um, Annie. - What?
Oh. Okay. Okay.
- Hey, Annie. - Hey.
- What are you doing here? - I brought you this.
It's tomorrow's paper.
- Holy shit.
- Oh. - Pretty cool, right?
- Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, oh, my God.
I can't believe I'm, like, the whole cover.
I could cry right now.
Thank you. Um--
It's just, you know, I did ask you for space tonight.
- Oh, yeah, I know.
I just don't think I could even sleep.
Like, if we don't work this out, so--
- Maybe we can just talk. - No.
No, you know, I'm, like, trying
to have a night with my friends.
Can we just talk about it tomorrow?
- Annie. Please.
- Okay, okay, okay. Let's go.
- Okay. Well, that's a mess. - [both laugh]
- Yeah, totally. - Now to get more wine.
- Can I-- uh--
[stammers]
Sorry, I-- I don't think
that there's gonna be, like, a great time to do this.
Um, I know you're doing the whole single thing,
and I think that's great. Um--
But I-- I do--
- I-- - You what? Just say it.
- Be quiet, you idiot. I-- [chuckles]
I'm trying to tell you I like you.
Um, yeah.
I-- I like you a lot.
- Why are you saying this now?
- When was I supposed to say it?
When you were going through your breakup with Vic?
When you were being celibate?
When you were constantly talking about
how single you were?
I know my timing sucks,
but I am doing this now.
So now you know.
- Now I know.
- Did I fuck it up?
- [exhales]
- I fucked it up. - [laughs]
- I fucked it up!
- I feel horrible
I mean, I loved fucking you in the office,
but I get that I fucked everything up.
- Yeah, but it's not that we fucked in the office.
It's that you told someone.
And then they told everyone.
And now I'm a fucking joke.
- Yeah, but I didn't know that I couldn't tell anyone.
But I feel like I've been trying really hard
and I've been getting better.
- No, you-- you have.
You really have been better.
Um-- it's just-- um-- I shouldn't have to tell you...
that our sex life is private, you know?
- I mean, it's the same with all the stuff.
It's like, you just tell me what to do,
and I will do it, Annie.
I'll do, like, whatever you want.
- Yeah, but I don't wanna have to tell you what to do.
Like, I don't wanna be your mom
because I cannot fuck my son.
I want an adult.
- Like, I want a real partner. - [Fran laughs]
- Oh, fuck.
- Okay. Come on. - Oh.
- Should we stop? Am I ruining Fran Fest?
- Shut up. - [laughs]
- We need to talk about this, Annie.
- Yeah, I know, I know.
- So can we work through this?
Can we just talk through this like we did the back fence?
- Oh, the back fence?
Our very solid foundation for our relationship?
Where you made me climb over a back fence
'cause you were embarrassed of me?
- Well, you were embarrassed of me
at Gabe's party.
And you wouldn't even talk to me at work.
- Well, then, if we make each other feel that bad,
then we really shouldn't be together.
- Annie, don't say that.
- I'm sorry. I'll fix it. - No, Ryan,
if I'm being honest,
like, I think I've been trying to make this work with you
just because being with you is like...
easier.
- What does that mean?
- Easier than fucking facing putting myself out there
and having guys not even consider dating me
because I'm fat.
- I love you.
I told you-- I-- I'm past that.
- Yeah, but I'm not, okay?
I'm not past it,
and I can never get past it, not with you.
- What is happening right now?
Are you breaking up with me?
- Actually, yes, I am.
- So this is it?
- We're over? - Yes.
- Jesus, Annie.
Well, what are you gonna do now?
You're gonna go date other guys?
- Yeah. That's exactly what I'm gonna do.
- [fireworks launching] - [cheering]
["50ft Queenie" playing]
♪ ♪
PJ: ♪ Hey I'm one big queen ♪
♪ No one can stop me ♪
♪ Red light red green ♪
♪ Sat back and watching ♪
♪ I'm your new one ♪
♪ Second to no one ♪
♪ No sweat I'm clean ♪
♪ Nothing can touch me ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Tell you my name ♪
♪ F-U and C-K ♪
♪ 50ft queenie ♪
♪ Hey I'm the king of the world ♪
♪ You oughta hear my song ♪
♪ You come on and measure me ♪
♪ I'm fifty inches long ♪
♪ 50ft queenie ♪
♪ ♪