♪ dramatic theme playing ♪
♪
♪ festive music playing ♪
[bells jingling]
♪
[laser fire]
‐ Fa! La la! La la! La la!
La! La!
[grunts]
‐ Oh, fuck yeah, Korvo. You decorated the shit out of that tree, baby.
‐ Oh, I love this time of year, Terry.
It reminds me of all the rule‐heavy Shlorpian holidays from the Homeworld.
I used to get so excited for the Annual Elderly Hunt.
‐ Rituals, am I right?
‐ Did you know Christmas is strictly timed
to the orbital path of the Earth around the sun?
How fucking cool is that?
‐ For once, we can agree. Christmas is the shit!
There's so much candy and hot merch.
Get your groove on, Crappin' Santa. Dump that hot cocoa.
So dark, so chocolate‐‐
‐ You guys talking about Christmas? I love presents!
I don't know what's better, getting them or returning them for store credit?
‐ And I love that we got to kill a tree.
And that we're keeping its body in the house.
‐ Sounds like we all love Christmas.
‐ All of us except the Pupa.
He always just disappears around this time,
because he hates Christmas.
‐ Christmas is the tits, Pupa. W‐w‐what is your problem?
‐ Come on, Pupa, don't ruin this like you ruined Ramadan for us.
‐ You've got no Christmas spirit, Pupa.
It's the most wonderful time of the year, you fucking selfish prick!
‐ I could shake your branches and you can't do anything about it,
because you're dead.
‐ Shame on you, Pupa. You're such a Grinch.
TERRY: That's right, get outta here!
Don't come back without hella serious Christmas spirit.
I wanna see some gifts.
‐ One day, that little jerk will learn the true meaning of Christmas.
‐ You mean like candy cane and meatball hot pockets.
‐ Fuck yes!
[all moaning]
‐ It's the Solar Opposites Christmas Special.
KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia
until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa
and escaped into, uh, the space,
searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right, I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.
This is, this is my show. I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
[stammers] This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.
People are stupid. They love Christmas so much.
Well, guess what? Jesus was an alien.
He was born in July, and he's allergic to pine trees.
Deal with it.
♪
♪ organ music playing ♪
♪
‐ This is the time of year where we are compelled
to gather and celebrate the light of our lord and savior Jesus Christ.
Thank you all for rejecting the commercialization of the holiday.
Only here in the house of God
can your spirits truly be blessed.
‐ Amen. [man sobbing]
‐ Sorry to interrupt the service. I just‐‐
I've made a horrible mistake.
My son came out as a tiny bit bi last week,
and I... I kicked him out of the house.
I've ruined our lives. I miss him so much.
[sobbing]
YUMYULACK/JESSE: Christmas! Christmas! Christmas! Christ‐‐
‐ Shut the fuck up!
Okay, kids, gather around.
It's time for our annual holiday tradition.
Who wants to watch a Christmas movie?
ALL: Me, me, me, me, me.
‐ I managed to get my grubby little paws
on a VHS copy of Jingle All the Way.
The Christian Science Monitor says it's a must‐watch.
KORVO: Hold your butts.
Why watch Jingle All the Way
when we can live Jingle All the Way?
Remember when we all went and saw Ready Player One?
‐ No. But I wipe my mind after seeing any movie
where people don't steal the Declaration of Independence.
‐ There was one scene in Ready Player One
where that computer kid went inside The Shining.
‐ Wait, they just put a better movie inside their movie?
‐ Is this explanation gonna take long? 'Cause it already is.
‐ That one scene was a good idea. So I made the same device in real life.
It's called the Ready Player One Device.
‐ Your machine names are starting to suck, Korvo.
‐ Tough tatas, I don't care.
Prepare for holiday magic!
♪ festive music playing ♪
[static]
♪
‐ So we went from our suburban house to another suburban house? Amazing.
‐ Uh, why are we all dressed like this?
‐ The device only knows how to replace one character,
so we're all playing Arnold Schwarzenegger's role as the dad.
‐ [sighs] Hey, Dads.
[clears throat]
‐ [mimicking Arnold Schwarzenegger] Um, what's wrong, son?
‐ I want the Turbo Man action figure with the arms and legs that move
and the boomerang shooter and the rock'n roller jet pack
and the realistic voice activator that says five different phrases
like, "It's Turbo time!"
Accessories sold separately, batteries not included.
‐ Turbo Man? Yeah, right.
Those are sold out everywhere. It's almost Christmas.
‐ Wow, really? That would make Christmas so great.
‐ No, no. Listen, I'm saying that would be imposs‐‐
‐ Thanks, Dads.
‐ I guess in the movie, our character agrees
to get this stupid toy?
‐ Well, then he's a little bitch.
‐ Wait, this is what Jingle All the Way is about.
No Will Ferrell elves or lady leg lamps?
‐ No, I guess it's just about buying a hard‐to‐find doll.
Whoever greenlit this movie must have been on so much cocaine.
‐ Oh no. What? Wait, what the‐‐ what the fuck? Am I having a stroke?
Oh God, please take my left side. That's my ugly side.
KORVO: No, no. We're just moving to the next scene.
I bet it's about to get super Christmassy.
Oh, okay, I guess we're just going shopping.
‐ Outta my way! My kid wants that Turbo Man doll,
and nothing and nobody is gonna stop me.
‐ Whoa, was that Sinbad?
Ugh, not a good sign for the quality of this film.
‐ The fuck is this movie?
There's hardly any snow or decorations or anything Christmassy.
‐ Oh, sorry, guys.
I guess The Christian Science Monitor's 500 Best Holiday Movies list
wasn't as strictly curated as I assumed.
‐ This blows. Can we just quit?
‐ You don't want to find that toy for Jamie?
‐ Fuck it. Let's bail.
Well, that was a waste of yuletide.
L‐let's split up and do super Christmassy stuff
to get that foul taste of Jingle All the Way out of our mouths.
‐ Ooh, I call dibs on calling Santa.
[keypad beeping]
[line ringing]
SANTA: Ho ho ho! Get your credit card ready.
[door closes]
‐ What you got here, little man?
Huh? I don't know this guy. He your friend?
‐ He kinda looks like Everett, that little bit bi kid
who's been working nights at the bus station.
[groans]
‐ Are you excited to meet Santa? ‐ Sort of.
I mean, I do love giving a list of demands to a well‐dressed stranger.
‐ Yeah. Something feels off.
‐ Ho ho ho. Come on and sit on Santa's lap.
Smile.
‐ Yeah, look how dry you are.
I know you want this, you thirsty little birch.
Ooh, ooh, I'm spilling it.
Too bad you don't have any roots to soak it up.
Hmm.
SANTA: [over phone] Terry, you don't seem into this.
Why don't you deposit another 50 bucks and we can talk about it?
‐ Who even cares?
[crying]
‐ Why is this the only way I can feel something?
‐ I know. I can't even enjoy abusing this dead, sexy tree.
‐ Ugh.
I feel an emptiness where there's usually a glowing ember of holiday joy.
And‐and a little acid reflux because I don't chew my food enough.
‐ Does anybody wanna go outside and get hit by a bus with me?
‐ Yeah, I'm in. ‐ Me too.
Especially if it's number four.
‐ Wait!
Aha! Exactly what I thought.
AISHA: Scanning.
‐ Ship sensors indicate that our holiday spirit is completely gone.
[Jesse/Yumyulack/Terry gasp]
‐ That can't be right. I love Christmas.
‐ Used to love Christmas.
Now your holly and your jolly have bottomed out.
Jingle All the Way must have sucked so hard
that it killed our Christmas spirit.
‐ That's why we all want to cut ourselves?
‐ Is that why dead trees don't make us all hard anymore?
‐ There has to be a way to get our spirit back.
‐ Ooh, find someone cheerful and drink their blood.
‐ Yes, of course. But also, we have to use the Ready Player One device
to go into better holiday movies.
It will be a pure injection of fa‐la‐la to get our spirits back.
‐ You mean we can play parts in all the Christmas classics?
‐ That's right. The Solar Opposites are going
into all your favorite Christmas movies!
Suck my ass!
♪ Mariah Carey's All I Want For Christmas Is You playing ♪
‐ I want to live!
‐ I want a limited edition Animal Crossing Nintendo Switch
and to live!
‐ Nobody likes our stupid fucking noses.
‐ Being different sucks.
‐ Oh, Rudolphs, I like your red noses.
I like your musk too.
[whispering] And I'm at the height of my cycle.
‐ I can tell.
[nose squeaking]
♪
‐ W‐what are you doing out here‐‐ ‐ Shh!
‐ ♪ Make my wish come true ♪
♪ All I want for Christmas is you ♪
‐ Check my Christmas spirit. It's gotta be back.
‐ That should have done it.
AISHA: Scanning.
Your spirit is at zero percent.
[all groan]
‐ That can't be right. We've been celebrating the holiday AF.
‐ [grunts] The only thing I can feel anymore is pain.
‐ Why is this happening to us?
‐ We must have residual plot sickness
from not finishing the plot from Jingle All the Way.
‐ But the story sucked ass. It had no stakes.
Now, Kindergarten Cop, that was an Arnold movie
where you cared if the kid lived or died.
‐ Yes, but the Ready Player One Device doesn't know that. It's impartial.
It cast us as the dad which means
that even if it wasn't enough to carry a two‐hour movie
getting that toy for Jamie was important.
‐ Huh, I guess I am filled with regret that I wasn't a better father to Jamie.
‐ When we bailed, we only jingled part of the way.
Christmas is tomorrow.
If we don't get our spirit back before it ends, we never will.
‐ Are you sure?
‐ Remember what happened with Veteran's Day?
We lost our Veteran's Day spirit and now we don't support the troops.
‐ Okay, so what do we do? Convert to Jewishism?
‐ No, Terrence, there's only one thing we can do.
We have to go back. Back to the Jingleverse.
And this time, we have to jingle all the way
and take back our Christmas spirit.
‐ Yeah, that's Everett. Good worker. Sad to see him go.
He's on the 736 to Las Vegas.
Says he's gonna find himself a new life away from his family
where he can be a little bit of whatever he wants.
[engine revving]
[screams]
[tires screech]
‐ You don't want to sit next to me. Nobody does.
♪
♪ dramatic theme playing ♪
♪
‐ Whoa, what happened here?
‐ Oh, gross. It smells like a Sharpie creampied a tire.
‐ Oh no. Oh shit. Okay. Apparently, it's 80 years later here.
I guess time moves a lot faster in the Jingleverse
than it does in the real world.
‐ This isn't gonna work. It's even less Christmassy than before.
‐ Maybe it's not so bad. Look, there's Santa.
[flies buzzing] [all scream]
[dog barking in distance]
[grunting]
Is that guy taking a shit? Eww.
[man screaming] [hissing, snarling]
‐ Hey, fuck you. Go hiss at someone else.
[growling]
‐ Are you crazy? Get in here. Hurry.
TERRY: Who the hell were those guys?
‐ Mutant Sinbads.
They roam the streets searching for Turbo Man toys.
They're quick to violence and prey on the weak.
‐ Mutants? There can't be mutants in a Christmas movie.
These are completely shoehorned in.
Like that spider‐tank from the end of Wild Wild West.
‐ [scoffs] We haven't celebrated Christmas in years.
Not since Jamie took over.
‐ Wait, that's our son.
All four of us aliens, we're his father.
I know it's a little confusing, just go with it.
‐ Well, you did a shit job raising him.
Your son famously hates Christmas.
He wanted to get rid of any holiday activity
ever since you promised to get him a Turbo Man toy then abandoned him.
It's all in his book.
Through his media empire and immense wealth,
Jamie transformed this town into an Escape From New York,
Children of Men, 13 Going on 30 type dystopia.
Worst part is, he still makes us have a Wintertainment Parade
at 11:45 p. m. on Christmas.
‐ What a weirdly specific time. And a terrible name for a parade.
‐ It's canon, trust me.
Now the parade is filled with mutants, savages wearing mattresses,
and demented karate‐chopping Santas.
You know, 'cause Jamie did karate as a kid
and his dad worked as a mattress salesman or some shit.
‐ Wow. I've never met a more backstory‐explaining character in my life.
‐ All characters in the Jingleverse are shallow.
That's part of the movie's DNA.
‐ I'm also stalling so my friends can kill you
and help me cook your bodies.
Reavers, it's time to feast!
We have the meats.
‐ Wait, why are you saying the tag line from Arby's?
Do‐do they still have Arby's in the Jingleverse?
‐ What the fuck is an Arby's? That's just what I say.
‐ Stop! No, you don't have to do this.
[gunshots] [screaming]
‐ I stole Jimmy Stewart's gun from It's a Wonderful Life.
‐ Good stealing. Give me that. You'll shoot your eye out.
‐ Alright, Korv, Christmas is almost over. What's the plan?
‐ I have an idea.
It's a long shot, and it sounded really stupid way back at the beginning,
but if we want our Christmas spirit back,
then we'll have to get Jamie that Turbo Man toy.
‐ Oh please. You really think we can finish that plot
when everyone is trying to eat each other?
‐ We have to. Let's all spread out and search for a Turbo Man.
‐ Since when did Jimmy Stewart have a gun in that movie?
‐ Everyone used to carry a gun back then.
Shirley Temple used to keep one up her hoo‐ha.
That's what the song Lollipop is about.
YUMYULACK: Duh. Everyone knows that.
[door slams]
[bell tolling]
KORVO: We're running out of time.
Meet back here in an hour.
And remember, don't forget to spread the Christmas cheer.
[growling]
Uh... m‐merry Christmas.
‐ ♪ I don't want a lot for Christmas ♪
[zombies moaning]
‐ Ho ho ho!
‐ Aah! Snowflakes, sugar plums, uh, shitty orange chocolate.
‐ ♪ I just want you for my own ♪
‐ Oh! Oh, what fun it is
to ride on a one horse‐‐
[heaves]
A one‐horse open‐‐
[heaves]
‐ ♪ All I want for Christmas is you ♪
[door opens]
‐ No way! Nobody wants me here.
‐ Everett.
‐ Dad?
‐ Son, I love you. I am so sorry.
‐ I... I thought you didn't want me to be a little bit bi.
‐ I was so wrong.
That was super‐disgusting and stupid of me.
Plus I found out Anna Paquin is also a little bit bi,
and she's an integral part of the X‐Men.
‐ You read my LiveJournal.
♪
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
‐ Did anybody find a goddamn Turbo Man?
‐ I found a bunch of Turbo Women.
‐ No, those suck. They were just a cash grab.
‐ This is stupid. Why can't we just use our sci‐fi stuff to make a Turbo Man?
‐ I already tried.
My 3D printer won't break copyright unless we're in Guam.
[Yumyulack groans]
‐ Let's just let the mutants eat us.
Better than living the rest of our lives without being merry or bright.
‐ Argh! I wish I never made us watch stupid Jingle All the Way.
I should have picked a regular Christmas movie,
like Die Hard or Gremlins or Piranha 3D.
‐ Shut the fuck up, Terry. We'd be in the exact same situation.
Those aren't Christmas movies.
‐ They are too. Any movie that takes place on Christmas is a Christmas movie now.
I guess Piranha 3D doesn't.
‐ [gasps] It's Christmas right now.
‐ Yeah, we get it. We're fucked.
‐ Aha! But we aren't.
We just have to finish any plot with Jamie in it.
It will count as a Christmas movie 'cause it'll be on Christmas.
‐ That doesn't seem right. I‐i‐is that how it works?
‐ Yeah. Oh my god, we don't have to finish Jingle All the Way.
We just have to finish any story.
‐ Then we'll end this thing by apologizing to the little boy
for something we did 80 years ago
and save the fuck out of Christmas.
[shotgun clicks]
‐ I just wanna say that I was wrong to kick Everett out of the house
for being a little bit bi.
Gay, straight, any amount of bi,
I love him no matter what.
And I now believe everyone should just be whoever they are.
That's what Christ would want.
ALL: Amen.
‐ Thanks, Dad.
‐ Don't thank me.
Thank this little blue stranger
for bringing our family together for Christmas.
Is there anything in this world I can give you
that even comes close to what you've given me?
[inaudible]
Really?
And it's just locked up in a child‐proof cabinet?
‐ Jamie lives up there, in the penthouse.
‐ He's clearly done well for himself.
I'm so proud of our little boy. [Korvo gasps]
♪ ominous marching band music playing ♪
[snarling, hissing]
JESSE: Aw great, it's the Christmas Parade.
That means it's 11:45 p. m.
We only have 15 minutes until Christmas is over.
‐ I knew that time was specific for a reason.
‐ What are we gonna do? They're parading right at us.
‐ Put me on the naughty list, bitch.
ALL: Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho!
‐ Hey, I know you assholes.
‐ Us? No, no, no, we're just a couple of demented karate‐chopping Santas.
Hyah!
‐ Fuck that shit. We're gonna eat you.
Reavers, it's time to feast!
Where's the beef?
KORVO: Okay, you have to know that tag line's from Wendy's.
It's‐it's like the most famous one.
[all screaming]
[all panting]
KORVO: I think we lost them.
‐ Oh god, I got some brain in my mouth.
[gags]
‐ I'm seeing a lot of guards with crazy‐ass apocalypse weapons.
And one guy is jerking off in the bathroom.
Jesus! He's really going to town. He's fingering his own butt.
‐ Damn it. We're so fucked.
Guys who jerk off are always stronger afterwards.
‐ They're gonna find us, man.
We're running out of time. What are we gonna do?
[knives unsheathing]
‐ Plenty of time to carve these fuckers new assholes
and get home in time for hot cocoa.
‐ The little alien girl is right. We can do this.
No weapons?
‐ I've been learning how to do single blow death punches
as a Christmas surprise for you.
‐ Terry, that is so thoughtful.
How did you know I love overclocked martial arts movies?
‐ I pay attention.
♪
[door opens, closes]
[screaming]
♪ techno "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" music playing ♪
[bell dings]
♪
[gunshots] [men scream]
♪
[growls]
[groans]
[growling]
♪
‐ Jamie, your daddies are home.
‐ And we're here to apologize, you little angel.
[cackling]
[machinery whirring, clanking]
‐ You're late, fathers.
Eighty years too late.
‐ Eww. His body's as crooked and deformed as his soul.
‐ You've been making Sinbad clones in here?
I'm disappointed in you, son.
We came here to apologize for not giving you the Turbo Man toy.
‐ I already have a Turbo Man.
I have all the Turbo Men.
I refuse your pathetic apology.
Where were you when I needed a father?
‐ Look, man, in a world with infinite streaming options,
there just isn't any pressure to finish watching what you start.
I only watched an episode and a half of Umbrella Academy.
‐ Could you just accept our apology and stop being such a dick?
‐ When you abandoned me, I realized I could only rely on myself.
I built my empire and my army of mutant clones to‐‐
‐ No one cares. We only have one minute of Christmas left.
Just accept our apology and finish this fucking story.
‐ Eat shit, Daddy. [cackling]
‐ He's never gonna let us finish our emotional journeys,
but we have to wrap something up here.
W‐what do we do?
‐ Jamie used to be such a good boy.
I can't believe he turned into the bad gu‐‐
Wait a minute.
‐ Coming over to beg me more, Dad?
‐ Oh sweetie, no.
I'm coming over to beat the shit out of the bad guy
and finish this damn movie.
‐ My tooth!
‐ [gasps] My heart!
Oh my god, it's working.
Guys, Jamie's not our loving son anymore.
He's the bad guy.
All we have to do is kick this old man's dick into his ass,
and then we'll get our spirits back.
‐ She's right, that felt great.
‐ Father. No!
‐ I have the spirit of Christmas again.
KORVO: I feel amazing.
NARRATOR: Against all odds,
each time the aliens struck the withered old asshole,
their hearts grew bigger and bigger, filling with Christmas joy
until they were ready to burst.
♪
‐ This blood tastes like Christmas.
‐ I feel brimming with huggy holiday jingle joy.
‐ We all do, because we killed our son as a family,
and doing things as a family on Christmas
is the most Christmassy Christmas shit of all.
‐ I love you guys.
‐ Do we really have to watch the credits?
‐ I don't know. Look at all the shit that happened
after we bailed early last time.
Best to play it safe.
‐ Rita Wilson had two assistants?
‐ How long are these credits?
‐ It can't be much longer.
It didn't seem like it took too many people to make this thing.
Wait, wait, wait, I think they're over.
‐ Second Unit in Canada. Boo!
‐ Fuck! ‐ Oh god!
You know, that might have been
a big, stupid, annoying, stupid, shitty thing to do,
but in the end, I'm glad we spent Christmas together.
‐ Yeah. ‐ Yeah, I guess so.
‐ We learned that spending time as a family is more important
than trying to finish the plot of a '90s comedy.
And if you think about it, that was what Jingle All the Way
was trying to teach us all along.
[whistling]
‐ Damn it, how did the Pupa get his Harry Potter whistle again?
Terry, I thought you locked it up in the child‐proof cabinets,
where we keep the poison darts.
‐ I did, I did, I put it behind the poison darts.
‐ That song is so annoying.
‐ You didn't even do any of the Christmas stuff with us, Pupa.
You're bad. ‐ How does he keep getting that thing?
Is he, like, out getting help?
Who would do that? He can't even complete a full sentence.
‐ Merry Christmas, everyone.
♪ dramatic theme playing ♪
♪
[mimicking laser fire]