1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,003
♪ dramatic theme playing ♪

2
00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:05,005
♪

3
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:12,054
♪ festive music playing ♪

4
00:00:12,054 --> 00:00:15,474
[bells jingling]

5
00:00:15,474 --> 00:00:17,476
♪

6
00:00:17,476 --> 00:00:19,853
[laser fire]

7
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‐ Fa! La la! La la! La la!

8
00:00:25,442 --> 00:00:27,319
La! La!

9
00:00:27,319 --> 00:00:28,195
[grunts]

10
00:00:28,987 --> 00:00:32,366
‐ Oh, fuck yeah, Korvo. You decorated
the shit out of that tree, baby.

11
00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:34,368
‐ Oh, I love this time of year, Terry.

12
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:37,538
It reminds me of all the rule‐heavy
Shlorpian holidays from the Homeworld.

13
00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:40,415
I used to get so excited
for the Annual Elderly Hunt.

14
00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:41,416
‐ Rituals, am I right?

15
00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:43,168
‐ Did you know Christmas is strictly timed

16
00:00:43,168 --> 00:00:44,878
to the orbital path
of the Earth around the sun?

17
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:46,088
How fucking cool is that?

18
00:00:46,088 --> 00:00:48,340
‐ For once, we can agree.
Christmas is the shit!

19
00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:50,384
There's so much candy
and hot merch.

20
00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:53,303
Get your groove on, Crappin' Santa.
Dump that hot cocoa.

21
00:00:53,303 --> 00:00:55,222
So dark, so chocolate‐‐

22
00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:58,517
‐ You guys talking about Christmas?
I love presents!

23
00:00:58,517 --> 00:01:02,020
I don't know what's better, getting them
or returning them for store credit?

24
00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:03,981
‐ And I love that we got to kill a tree.

25
00:01:03,981 --> 00:01:06,066
And that we're keeping
its body in the house.

26
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,776
‐ Sounds like we all love Christmas.

27
00:01:07,776 --> 00:01:10,195
‐ All of us except the Pupa.

28
00:01:10,195 --> 00:01:12,072
He always just disappears
around this time,

29
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because he hates Christmas.

30
00:01:13,991 --> 00:01:16,785
‐ Christmas is the tits, Pupa.
W‐w‐what is your problem?

31
00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:19,413
‐ Come on, Pupa, don't ruin this
like you ruined Ramadan for us.

32
00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:21,540
‐ You've got no Christmas spirit, Pupa.

33
00:01:21,540 --> 00:01:25,294
It's the most wonderful time of the year,
you fucking selfish prick!

34
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‐ I could shake your branches
and you can't do anything about it,

35
00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:29,339
because you're dead.

36
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‐ Shame on you, Pupa.
You're such a Grinch.

37
00:01:32,718 --> 00:01:33,760
TERRY:
That's right, get outta here!

38
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:36,305
Don't come back
without hella serious Christmas spirit.

39
00:01:36,305 --> 00:01:37,222
I wanna see some gifts.

40
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‐ One day, that little jerk will learn
the true meaning of Christmas.

41
00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:42,603
‐ You mean like candy cane
and meatball hot pockets.

42
00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:43,770
‐ Fuck yes!

43
00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:45,647
[all moaning]

44
00:01:45,647 --> 00:01:48,734
‐ It's the Solar Opposites
Christmas Special.

45
00:01:49,735 --> 00:01:51,737
KORVO:
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia

46
00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:53,697
until the asteroid hit.

47
00:01:55,032 --> 00:01:57,367
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa

48
00:01:57,367 --> 00:01:59,411
and escaped into, uh, the space,

49
00:01:59,411 --> 00:02:01,747
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.

50
00:02:02,497 --> 00:02:05,459
We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.

51
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:07,085
That's right, I've been talking
this whole time.

52
00:02:07,085 --> 00:02:08,962
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.

53
00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:11,381
This is, this is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?

54
00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:12,716
[stammers]
This is ridiculous.

55
00:02:12,716 --> 00:02:14,635
I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

56
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:17,137
People are stupid.
They love Christmas so much.

57
00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:18,889
Well, guess what?
Jesus was an alien.

58
00:02:18,889 --> 00:02:21,433
He was born in July,
and he's allergic to pine trees.

59
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Deal with it.

60
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♪

61
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♪ organ music playing ♪

62
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♪

63
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‐ This is the time of year
where we are compelled

64
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to gather and celebrate the light
of our lord and savior Jesus Christ.

65
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Thank you all for rejecting
the commercialization of the holiday.

66
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Only here in the house of God

67
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can your spirits
truly be blessed.

68
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‐ Amen.
[man sobbing]

69
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‐ Sorry to interrupt the service.
I just‐‐

70
00:03:02,975 --> 00:03:04,726
I've made a horrible mistake.

71
00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:08,021
My son came out
as a tiny bit bi last week,

72
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and I... I kicked him
out of the house.

73
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I've ruined our lives.
I miss him so much.

74
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[sobbing]

75
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YUMYULACK/JESSE: Christmas!
Christmas! Christmas! Christ‐‐

76
00:03:22,077 --> 00:03:23,704
‐ Shut the fuck up!

77
00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:24,872
Okay, kids, gather around.

78
00:03:24,872 --> 00:03:26,832
It's time for
our annual holiday tradition.

79
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Who wants to watch
a Christmas movie?

80
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ALL: Me, me, me, me, me.

81
00:03:29,793 --> 00:03:31,628
‐ I managed to get
my grubby little paws

82
00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:34,298
on a VHS copy of
Jingle All the Way.

83
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The Christian Science Monitor
says it's a must‐watch.

84
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KORVO: Hold your butts.

85
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:38,844
Why watch Jingle All the Way

86
00:03:38,844 --> 00:03:41,305
when we can live
Jingle All the Way?

87
00:03:41,847 --> 00:03:43,974
Remember when we all went
and saw Ready Player One?

88
00:03:43,974 --> 00:03:45,934
‐ No. But I wipe my mind
after seeing any movie

89
00:03:45,934 --> 00:03:48,061
where people don't steal
the Declaration of Independence.

90
00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:49,479
‐ There was one scene in
Ready Player One

91
00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:51,607
where that computer kid
went inside The Shining.

92
00:03:51,607 --> 00:03:53,984
‐ Wait, they just put a better movie
inside their movie?

93
00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:56,278
‐ Is this explanation gonna take long?
'Cause it already is.

94
00:03:56,278 --> 00:03:59,448
‐ That one scene was a good idea.
So I made the same device in real life.

95
00:03:59,448 --> 00:04:01,533
It's called the Ready Player One Device.

96
00:04:01,533 --> 00:04:03,869
‐ Your machine names are starting
to suck, Korvo.

97
00:04:03,869 --> 00:04:04,912
‐ Tough tatas, I don't care.

98
00:04:04,912 --> 00:04:06,455
Prepare for holiday magic!

99
00:04:07,539 --> 00:04:10,501
♪ festive music playing ♪

100
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[static]

101
00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:17,257
♪

102
00:04:18,217 --> 00:04:21,637
‐ So we went from our suburban house
to another suburban house? Amazing.

103
00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:23,263
‐ Uh, why are we
all dressed like this?

104
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:25,057
‐ The device only knows
how to replace one character,

105
00:04:25,057 --> 00:04:27,768
so we're all playing
Arnold Schwarzenegger's role as the dad.

106
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:29,436
‐ [sighs] Hey, Dads.

107
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[clears throat]

108
00:04:30,479 --> 00:04:32,606
‐ [mimicking Arnold Schwarzenegger]
Um, what's wrong, son?

109
00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:35,526
‐ I want the Turbo Man action figure
with the arms and legs that move

110
00:04:35,526 --> 00:04:37,569
and the boomerang shooter
and the rock'n roller jet pack

111
00:04:37,569 --> 00:04:40,531
and the realistic voice activator
that says five different phrases

112
00:04:40,531 --> 00:04:42,616
like, "It's Turbo time!"

113
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:44,993
Accessories sold separately,
batteries not included.

114
00:04:44,993 --> 00:04:46,036
‐ Turbo Man? Yeah, right.

115
00:04:46,036 --> 00:04:47,996
Those are sold out everywhere.
It's almost Christmas.

116
00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:50,374
‐ Wow, really?
That would make Christmas so great.

117
00:04:50,374 --> 00:04:52,000
‐ No, no. Listen, I'm saying
that would be imposs‐‐

118
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‐ Thanks, Dads.

119
00:04:55,504 --> 00:04:57,589
‐ I guess in the movie,
our character agrees

120
00:04:57,589 --> 00:04:58,799
to get this stupid toy?

121
00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:00,050
‐ Well, then he's a little bitch.

122
00:05:00,050 --> 00:05:02,135
‐ Wait, this is what
Jingle All the Way is about.

123
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:04,429
No Will Ferrell elves
or lady leg lamps?

124
00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:07,182
‐ No, I guess it's just about buying
a hard‐to‐find doll.

125
00:05:07,182 --> 00:05:09,810
Whoever greenlit this movie
must have been on so much cocaine.

126
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:12,145
‐ Oh no. What? Wait, what the‐‐
what the fuck? Am I having a stroke?

127
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:14,231
Oh God, please take my left side.
That's my ugly side.

128
00:05:14,231 --> 00:05:15,524
KORVO: No, no. We're just moving
to the next scene.

129
00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:17,192
I bet it's about to get
super Christmassy.

130
00:05:19,111 --> 00:05:21,530
Oh, okay, I guess
we're just going shopping.

131
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‐ Outta my way!
My kid wants that Turbo Man doll,

132
00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:26,577
and nothing and nobody
is gonna stop me.

133
00:05:26,577 --> 00:05:27,786
‐ Whoa, was that Sinbad?

134
00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:29,663
Ugh, not a good sign
for the quality of this film.

135
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:30,747
‐ The fuck is this movie?

136
00:05:30,747 --> 00:05:33,709
There's hardly any snow or decorations
or anything Christmassy.

137
00:05:33,709 --> 00:05:34,960
‐ Oh, sorry, guys.

138
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,754
I guess The Christian Science Monitor's
500 Best Holiday Movies list

139
00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:39,548
wasn't as strictly curated
as I assumed.

140
00:05:39,548 --> 00:05:41,341
‐ This blows. Can we just quit?

141
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:42,926
‐ You don't want to find
that toy for Jamie?

142
00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:44,219
‐ Fuck it. Let's bail.

143
00:05:46,180 --> 00:05:47,848
Well, that was a waste of yuletide.

144
00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:50,017
L‐let's split up and do
super Christmassy stuff

145
00:05:50,017 --> 00:05:52,644
to get that foul taste of
Jingle All the Way out of our mouths.

146
00:05:52,644 --> 00:05:54,188
‐ Ooh, I call dibs on calling Santa.

147
00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:55,230
[keypad beeping]

148
00:05:55,230 --> 00:05:56,106
[line ringing]

149
00:05:56,106 --> 00:05:59,067
SANTA: Ho ho ho!
Get your credit card ready.

150
00:05:59,067 --> 00:05:59,902
[door closes]

151
00:06:06,325 --> 00:06:07,910
‐ What you got here, little man?

152
00:06:07,910 --> 00:06:10,204
Huh? I don't know this guy.
He your friend?

153
00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:12,623
‐ He kinda looks like Everett,
that little bit bi kid

154
00:06:12,623 --> 00:06:14,333
who's been working nights
at the bus station.

155
00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:23,008
[groans]

156
00:06:23,342 --> 00:06:26,094
‐ Are you excited to meet Santa?
‐ Sort of.

157
00:06:26,094 --> 00:06:29,014
I mean, I do love giving a list
of demands to a well‐dressed stranger.

158
00:06:29,014 --> 00:06:31,433
‐ Yeah. Something feels off.

159
00:06:31,433 --> 00:06:34,520
‐ Ho ho ho.
Come on and sit on Santa's lap.

160
00:06:35,479 --> 00:06:36,647
Smile.

161
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,069
‐ Yeah, look how dry you are.

162
00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:44,613
I know you want this,
you thirsty little birch.

163
00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:46,448
Ooh, ooh, I'm spilling it.

164
00:06:46,448 --> 00:06:48,992
Too bad you don't have
any roots to soak it up.

165
00:06:50,285 --> 00:06:51,286
Hmm.

166
00:06:51,286 --> 00:06:52,788
SANTA: [over phone]
Terry, you don't seem into this.

167
00:06:52,788 --> 00:06:55,958
Why don't you deposit another 50 bucks
and we can talk about it?

168
00:06:55,958 --> 00:06:57,376
‐ Who even cares?

169
00:06:57,376 --> 00:06:59,336
[crying]

170
00:06:59,336 --> 00:07:02,548
‐ Why is this the only way
I can feel something?

171
00:07:02,548 --> 00:07:06,385
‐ I know. I can't even enjoy abusing
this dead, sexy tree.

172
00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:07,970
‐ Ugh.

173
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:12,516
I feel an emptiness where there's usually
a glowing ember of holiday joy.

174
00:07:12,516 --> 00:07:15,102
And‐and a little acid reflux
because I don't chew my food enough.

175
00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:18,438
‐ Does anybody wanna go outside
and get hit by a bus with me?

176
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:19,940
‐ Yeah, I'm in.
‐ Me too.

177
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,275
Especially if it's number four.

178
00:07:21,817 --> 00:07:22,609
‐ Wait!

179
00:07:23,694 --> 00:07:25,988
Aha! Exactly what I thought.

180
00:07:26,655 --> 00:07:27,489
AISHA: Scanning.

181
00:07:27,489 --> 00:07:31,034
‐ Ship sensors indicate that
our holiday spirit is completely gone.

182
00:07:31,034 --> 00:07:31,743
[Jesse/Yumyulack/Terry gasp]

183
00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:34,246
‐ That can't be right.
I love Christmas.

184
00:07:34,246 --> 00:07:35,372
‐ Used to love Christmas.

185
00:07:35,372 --> 00:07:37,916
Now your holly and your jolly
have bottomed out.

186
00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:39,793
Jingle All the Way
must have sucked so hard

187
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,253
that it killed our Christmas spirit.

188
00:07:41,253 --> 00:07:42,963
‐ That's why we all want
to cut ourselves?

189
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,382
‐ Is that why dead trees
don't make us all hard anymore?

190
00:07:45,382 --> 00:07:47,467
‐ There has to be a way
to get our spirit back.

191
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,303
‐ Ooh, find someone cheerful
and drink their blood.

192
00:07:49,303 --> 00:07:52,556
‐ Yes, of course. But also, we have to use
the Ready Player One device

193
00:07:52,556 --> 00:07:54,224
to go into better holiday movies.

194
00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:57,269
It will be a pure injection of fa‐la‐la
to get our spirits back.

195
00:07:57,269 --> 00:07:59,897
‐ You mean we can play parts
in all the Christmas classics?

196
00:07:59,897 --> 00:08:01,648
‐ That's right.
The Solar Opposites are going

197
00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,066
into all your favorite
Christmas movies!

198
00:08:03,066 --> 00:08:03,984
Suck my ass!

199
00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:05,194
♪ Mariah Carey's All I Want
For Christmas Is You playing ♪

200
00:08:05,194 --> 00:08:06,153
‐ I want to live!

201
00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:08,197
‐ I want to live!
‐ I want to live!

202
00:08:08,197 --> 00:08:11,033
‐ I want a limited edition
Animal Crossing Nintendo Switch

203
00:08:11,033 --> 00:08:12,201
and to live!

204
00:08:14,912 --> 00:08:16,830
‐ Nobody likes
our stupid fucking noses.

205
00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:18,373
‐ Being different sucks.

206
00:08:18,373 --> 00:08:21,210
‐ Oh, Rudolphs, I like your red noses.

207
00:08:21,210 --> 00:08:23,086
I like your musk too.

208
00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:24,922
[whispering]
And I'm at the height of my cycle.

209
00:08:24,922 --> 00:08:26,381
‐ I can tell.

210
00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:29,259
[nose squeaking]

211
00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:31,678
♪

212
00:08:32,095 --> 00:08:33,639
‐ W‐what are you doing out here‐‐
‐ Shh!

213
00:08:35,599 --> 00:08:38,936
‐ ♪ Make my wish come true ♪

214
00:08:38,936 --> 00:08:42,981
♪ All I want for Christmas is you ♪

215
00:08:42,981 --> 00:08:45,317
‐ Check my Christmas spirit.
It's gotta be back.

216
00:08:45,317 --> 00:08:46,318
‐ That should have done it.

217
00:08:46,318 --> 00:08:47,402
AISHA: Scanning.

218
00:08:47,402 --> 00:08:49,321
Your spirit is at zero percent.

219
00:08:49,321 --> 00:08:50,030
[all groan]

220
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:52,699
‐ That can't be right.
We've been celebrating the holiday AF.

221
00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:55,244
‐ [grunts] The only thing
I can feel anymore is pain.

222
00:08:55,244 --> 00:08:57,496
‐ Why is this happening to us?

223
00:08:57,496 --> 00:08:59,039
‐ We must have residual plot sickness

224
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:00,791
from not finishing the plot
from Jingle All the Way.

225
00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:03,126
‐ But the story sucked ass.
It had no stakes.

226
00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:05,546
Now, Kindergarten Cop,
that was an Arnold movie

227
00:09:05,546 --> 00:09:06,964
where you cared
if the kid lived or died.

228
00:09:06,964 --> 00:09:09,591
‐ Yes, but the Ready Player One Device
doesn't know that. It's impartial.

229
00:09:09,591 --> 00:09:11,260
It cast us as the dad which means

230
00:09:11,260 --> 00:09:13,637
that even if it wasn't enough
to carry a two‐hour movie

231
00:09:13,637 --> 00:09:15,556
getting that toy
for Jamie was important.

232
00:09:15,556 --> 00:09:19,309
‐ Huh, I guess I am filled with regret
that I wasn't a better father to Jamie.

233
00:09:19,309 --> 00:09:21,270
‐ When we bailed,
we only jingled part of the way.

234
00:09:21,270 --> 00:09:22,396
Christmas is tomorrow.

235
00:09:22,396 --> 00:09:24,857
If we don't get our spirit back
before it ends, we never will.

236
00:09:24,857 --> 00:09:25,607
‐ Are you sure?

237
00:09:25,607 --> 00:09:27,317
‐ Remember what happened
with Veteran's Day?

238
00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:29,945
We lost our Veteran's Day spirit
and now we don't support the troops.

239
00:09:29,945 --> 00:09:31,822
‐ Okay, so what do we do?
Convert to Jewishism?

240
00:09:31,822 --> 00:09:34,283
‐ No, Terrence,
there's only one thing we can do.

241
00:09:34,283 --> 00:09:36,410
We have to go back.
Back to the Jingleverse.

242
00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:39,079
And this time,
we have to jingle all the way

243
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:41,456
and take back
our Christmas spirit.

244
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:50,257
‐ Yeah, that's Everett. Good worker.
Sad to see him go.

245
00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:52,384
He's on the 736 to Las Vegas.

246
00:09:52,384 --> 00:09:55,220
Says he's gonna find himself
a new life away from his family

247
00:09:55,220 --> 00:09:58,849
where he can be a little bit
of whatever he wants.

248
00:09:58,849 --> 00:10:00,601
[engine revving]

249
00:10:02,811 --> 00:10:03,604
[screams]

250
00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:05,105
[tires screech]

251
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,742
‐ You don't want to sit next to me.
Nobody does.

252
00:10:20,454 --> 00:10:24,082
♪

253
00:10:27,211 --> 00:10:29,880
♪ dramatic theme playing ♪

254
00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:32,591
♪

255
00:10:33,008 --> 00:10:34,593
‐ Whoa, what happened here?

256
00:10:34,593 --> 00:10:37,638
‐ Oh, gross. It smells like
a Sharpie creampied a tire.

257
00:10:37,638 --> 00:10:40,557
‐ Oh no. Oh shit. Okay.
Apparently, it's 80 years later here.

258
00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:42,351
I guess time moves a lot faster
in the Jingleverse

259
00:10:42,351 --> 00:10:43,393
than it does in the real world.

260
00:10:43,393 --> 00:10:46,355
‐ This isn't gonna work.
It's even less Christmassy than before.

261
00:10:46,355 --> 00:10:48,482
‐ Maybe it's not so bad.
Look, there's Santa.

262
00:10:49,233 --> 00:10:50,651
[flies buzzing]
[all scream]

263
00:10:50,651 --> 00:10:52,736
[dog barking in distance]

264
00:10:54,279 --> 00:10:55,739
[grunting]

265
00:10:55,739 --> 00:10:57,574
Is that guy taking a shit? Eww.

266
00:10:59,493 --> 00:11:01,578
[man screaming]
[hissing, snarling]

267
00:11:01,578 --> 00:11:03,455
‐ Hey, fuck you.
Go hiss at someone else.

268
00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:04,665
[growling]

269
00:11:05,249 --> 00:11:07,501
‐ Are you crazy?
Get in here. Hurry.

270
00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:11,463
TERRY:
Who the hell were those guys?

271
00:11:11,463 --> 00:11:13,048
‐ Mutant Sinbads.

272
00:11:13,048 --> 00:11:15,259
They roam the streets
searching for Turbo Man toys.

273
00:11:15,259 --> 00:11:16,969
They're quick to violence
and prey on the weak.

274
00:11:16,969 --> 00:11:19,388
‐ Mutants? There can't be mutants
in a Christmas movie.

275
00:11:19,388 --> 00:11:20,848
These are completely shoehorned in.

276
00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:23,475
Like that spider‐tank
from the end of Wild Wild West.

277
00:11:23,475 --> 00:11:25,602
‐ [scoffs] We haven't celebrated
Christmas in years.

278
00:11:25,602 --> 00:11:27,187
Not since Jamie took over.

279
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:28,480
‐ Wait, that's our son.

280
00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:30,274
All four of us aliens,
we're his father.

281
00:11:30,274 --> 00:11:31,775
I know it's a little confusing,
just go with it.

282
00:11:31,775 --> 00:11:33,777
‐ Well, you did a shit job raising him.

283
00:11:33,777 --> 00:11:35,612
Your son famously hates Christmas.

284
00:11:35,612 --> 00:11:37,656
He wanted to get rid of
any holiday activity

285
00:11:37,656 --> 00:11:40,868
ever since you promised to get him
a Turbo Man toy then abandoned him.

286
00:11:40,868 --> 00:11:42,244
It's all in his book.

287
00:11:42,244 --> 00:11:44,872
Through his media empire
and immense wealth,

288
00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:47,583
Jamie transformed this town
into an Escape From New York,

289
00:11:47,583 --> 00:11:50,961
Children of Men,
13 Going on 30 type dystopia.

290
00:11:50,961 --> 00:11:54,548
Worst part is, he still makes us have
a Wintertainment Parade

291
00:11:54,548 --> 00:11:56,925
at 11:45 p. m. on Christmas.

292
00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:59,970
‐ What a weirdly specific time.
And a terrible name for a parade.

293
00:11:59,970 --> 00:12:01,180
‐ It's canon, trust me.

294
00:12:01,180 --> 00:12:04,558
Now the parade is filled with mutants,
savages wearing mattresses,

295
00:12:04,558 --> 00:12:06,602
and demented karate‐chopping Santas.

296
00:12:06,602 --> 00:12:08,312
You know, 'cause Jamie
did karate as a kid

297
00:12:08,312 --> 00:12:10,480
and his dad worked as a mattress salesman
or some shit.

298
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:13,609
‐ Wow. I've never met a more
backstory‐explaining character in my life.

299
00:12:13,609 --> 00:12:15,903
‐ All characters
in the Jingleverse are shallow.

300
00:12:15,903 --> 00:12:17,446
That's part of the movie's DNA.

301
00:12:17,446 --> 00:12:19,531
‐ I'm also stalling
so my friends can kill you

302
00:12:19,531 --> 00:12:20,949
and help me cook your bodies.

303
00:12:20,949 --> 00:12:23,410
Reavers, it's time to feast!

304
00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:24,953
We have the meats.

305
00:12:26,163 --> 00:12:28,248
‐ Wait, why are you saying
the tag line from Arby's?

306
00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:30,250
Do‐do they still have Arby's
in the Jingleverse?

307
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:32,336
‐ What the fuck is an Arby's?
That's just what I say.

308
00:12:32,794 --> 00:12:34,630
‐ Stop! No, you don't have
to do this.

309
00:12:34,630 --> 00:12:36,715
[gunshots]
[screaming]

310
00:12:37,841 --> 00:12:41,136
‐ I stole Jimmy Stewart's gun
from It's a Wonderful Life.

311
00:12:41,136 --> 00:12:43,138
‐ Good stealing. Give me that.
You'll shoot your eye out.

312
00:12:43,138 --> 00:12:45,307
‐ Alright, Korv, Christmas is almost over.
What's the plan?

313
00:12:45,307 --> 00:12:46,183
‐ I have an idea.

314
00:12:46,183 --> 00:12:48,852
It's a long shot, and it sounded
really stupid way back at the beginning,

315
00:12:48,852 --> 00:12:50,812
but if we want
our Christmas spirit back,

316
00:12:50,812 --> 00:12:53,023
then we'll have to get Jamie
that Turbo Man toy.

317
00:12:53,023 --> 00:12:55,400
‐ Oh please. You really think
we can finish that plot

318
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:56,902
when everyone is trying
to eat each other?

319
00:12:56,902 --> 00:12:59,530
‐ We have to. Let's all spread out
and search for a Turbo Man.

320
00:13:00,614 --> 00:13:02,407
‐ Since when did Jimmy Stewart
have a gun in that movie?

321
00:13:02,407 --> 00:13:04,660
‐ Everyone used to carry
a gun back then.

322
00:13:04,660 --> 00:13:06,828
Shirley Temple used
to keep one up her hoo‐ha.

323
00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:08,747
That's what
the song Lollipop is about.

324
00:13:08,747 --> 00:13:10,499
YUMYULACK: Duh.
Everyone knows that.

325
00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:11,542
[door slams]

326
00:13:11,542 --> 00:13:14,336
[bell tolling]

327
00:13:14,336 --> 00:13:15,420
KORVO:
We're running out of time.

328
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:16,463
Meet back here in an hour.

329
00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:18,799
And remember, don't forget
to spread the Christmas cheer.

330
00:13:18,799 --> 00:13:20,217
[growling]

331
00:13:20,926 --> 00:13:22,761
Uh... m‐merry Christmas.

332
00:13:22,761 --> 00:13:26,139
‐ ♪ I don't want a lot for Christmas ♪

333
00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:27,516
[zombies moaning]

334
00:13:27,516 --> 00:13:29,142
‐ Ho ho ho!

335
00:13:30,811 --> 00:13:33,897
‐ Aah! Snowflakes, sugar plums,
uh, shitty orange chocolate.

336
00:13:34,898 --> 00:13:37,234
‐ ♪ I just want you for my own ♪

337
00:13:37,234 --> 00:13:39,903
‐ Oh! Oh, what fun it is

338
00:13:39,903 --> 00:13:41,905
to ride on a one horse‐‐

339
00:13:41,905 --> 00:13:42,906
[heaves]

340
00:13:42,906 --> 00:13:44,408
A one‐horse open‐‐

341
00:13:44,408 --> 00:13:45,075
[heaves]

342
00:13:45,576 --> 00:13:49,454
‐ ♪ All I want for Christmas is you ♪

343
00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:49,955
[door opens]

344
00:13:50,372 --> 00:13:52,833
‐ No way!
Nobody wants me here.

345
00:13:53,709 --> 00:13:54,543
‐ Everett.

346
00:13:54,543 --> 00:13:55,294
‐ Dad?

347
00:13:56,044 --> 00:13:58,755
‐ Son, I love you.
I am so sorry.

348
00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:01,216
‐ I... I thought you didn't want me
to be a little bit bi.

349
00:14:01,216 --> 00:14:02,426
‐ I was so wrong.

350
00:14:02,426 --> 00:14:05,137
That was super‐disgusting
and stupid of me.

351
00:14:05,137 --> 00:14:07,848
Plus I found out Anna Paquin
is also a little bit bi,

352
00:14:07,848 --> 00:14:10,058
and she's an integral part
of the X‐Men.

353
00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:11,768
‐ You read my LiveJournal.

354
00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:14,229
♪

355
00:14:20,736 --> 00:14:23,572
♪ dramatic music playing ♪

356
00:14:23,572 --> 00:14:25,699
‐ Did anybody find
a goddamn Turbo Man?

357
00:14:25,699 --> 00:14:27,284
‐ I found a bunch
of Turbo Women.

358
00:14:27,284 --> 00:14:29,286
‐ No, those suck.
They were just a cash grab.

359
00:14:29,912 --> 00:14:33,081
‐ This is stupid. Why can't we just use
our sci‐fi stuff to make a Turbo Man?

360
00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:33,916
‐ I already tried.

361
00:14:33,916 --> 00:14:36,084
My 3D printer won't break copyright
unless we're in Guam.

362
00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:36,877
[Yumyulack groans]

363
00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:38,712
‐ Let's just let
the mutants eat us.

364
00:14:38,712 --> 00:14:41,757
Better than living the rest of our lives
without being merry or bright.

365
00:14:41,757 --> 00:14:44,593
‐ Argh! I wish I never made us watch
stupid Jingle All the Way.

366
00:14:44,593 --> 00:14:46,053
I should have picked
a regular Christmas movie,

367
00:14:46,053 --> 00:14:48,222
like Die Hard or Gremlins or Piranha 3D.

368
00:14:48,222 --> 00:14:51,058
‐ Shut the fuck up, Terry.
We'd be in the exact same situation.

369
00:14:51,058 --> 00:14:52,184
Those aren't Christmas movies.

370
00:14:52,184 --> 00:14:55,312
‐ They are too. Any movie that takes place
on Christmas is a Christmas movie now.

371
00:14:55,312 --> 00:14:56,438
I guess Piranha 3D doesn't.

372
00:14:56,438 --> 00:14:58,023
‐ [gasps] It's Christmas right now.

373
00:14:58,023 --> 00:14:59,358
‐ Yeah, we get it.
We're fucked.

374
00:14:59,358 --> 00:15:00,692
‐ Aha! But we aren't.

375
00:15:00,692 --> 00:15:03,028
We just have to finish any plot
with Jamie in it.

376
00:15:03,028 --> 00:15:05,948
It will count as a Christmas movie
'cause it'll be on Christmas.

377
00:15:05,948 --> 00:15:08,242
‐ That doesn't seem right.
I‐i‐is that how it works?

378
00:15:08,242 --> 00:15:10,702
‐ Yeah. Oh my god, we don't have
to finish Jingle All the Way.

379
00:15:10,702 --> 00:15:12,120
We just have
to finish any story.

380
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:14,748
‐ Then we'll end this thing
by apologizing to the little boy

381
00:15:14,748 --> 00:15:16,333
for something we did 80 years ago

382
00:15:16,333 --> 00:15:18,126
and save the fuck
out of Christmas.

383
00:15:18,126 --> 00:15:19,127
[shotgun clicks]

384
00:15:22,172 --> 00:15:25,133
‐ I just wanna say that I was wrong
to kick Everett out of the house

385
00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:26,385
for being a little bit bi.

386
00:15:26,385 --> 00:15:28,846
Gay, straight,
any amount of bi,

387
00:15:28,846 --> 00:15:30,389
I love him no matter what.

388
00:15:30,389 --> 00:15:34,726
And I now believe everyone should just be
whoever they are.

389
00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:36,228
That's what Christ would want.

390
00:15:36,228 --> 00:15:37,437
ALL: Amen.

391
00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:38,021
‐ Thanks, Dad.

392
00:15:38,021 --> 00:15:39,189
‐ Don't thank me.

393
00:15:39,189 --> 00:15:41,108
Thank this little blue stranger

394
00:15:41,108 --> 00:15:43,777
for bringing our family together
for Christmas.

395
00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:46,113
Is there anything in this world
I can give you

396
00:15:46,113 --> 00:15:48,949
that even comes close
to what you've given me?

397
00:15:49,783 --> 00:15:52,077
[inaudible]

398
00:15:52,077 --> 00:15:52,953
Really?

399
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:55,455
And it's just locked up
in a child‐proof cabinet?

400
00:15:57,291 --> 00:15:59,126
‐ Jamie lives up there,
in the penthouse.

401
00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:00,711
‐ He's clearly done well
for himself.

402
00:16:00,711 --> 00:16:02,379
I'm so proud of our little boy.
[Korvo gasps]

403
00:16:02,379 --> 00:16:04,965
♪ ominous marching band music playing ♪

404
00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:08,135
[snarling, hissing]

405
00:16:08,135 --> 00:16:10,304
JESSE: Aw great,
it's the Christmas Parade.

406
00:16:10,304 --> 00:16:12,472
That means it's 11:45 p. m.

407
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,683
We only have 15 minutes
until Christmas is over.

408
00:16:14,683 --> 00:16:16,393
‐ I knew that time was specific
for a reason.

409
00:16:16,393 --> 00:16:18,604
‐ What are we gonna do?
They're parading right at us.

410
00:16:18,604 --> 00:16:20,647
‐ Put me on the naughty list, bitch.

411
00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:25,819
ALL: Ho ho ho!
Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho!

412
00:16:26,195 --> 00:16:27,905
‐ Hey, I know you assholes.

413
00:16:27,905 --> 00:16:31,241
‐ Us? No, no, no, we're just a couple
of demented karate‐chopping Santas.

414
00:16:31,241 --> 00:16:31,742
Hyah!

415
00:16:31,742 --> 00:16:33,911
‐ Fuck that shit.
We're gonna eat you.

416
00:16:33,911 --> 00:16:36,622
Reavers, it's time to feast!

417
00:16:36,622 --> 00:16:37,706
Where's the beef?

418
00:16:37,706 --> 00:16:39,583
KORVO: Okay, you have to know
that tag line's from Wendy's.

419
00:16:39,583 --> 00:16:41,210
It's‐it's like the most famous one.

420
00:16:41,210 --> 00:16:43,629
[all screaming]

421
00:16:44,922 --> 00:16:46,798
[all panting]

422
00:16:46,798 --> 00:16:47,758
KORVO: I think we lost them.

423
00:16:47,758 --> 00:16:49,301
‐ Oh god, I got
some brain in my mouth.

424
00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:50,969
[gags]

425
00:16:51,553 --> 00:16:54,515
‐ I'm seeing a lot of guards
with crazy‐ass apocalypse weapons.

426
00:16:54,515 --> 00:16:56,767
And one guy is jerking off
in the bathroom.

427
00:16:56,767 --> 00:16:59,603
Jesus! He's really going to town.
He's fingering his own butt.

428
00:16:59,603 --> 00:17:00,646
‐ Damn it. We're so fucked.

429
00:17:00,646 --> 00:17:02,689
Guys who jerk off
are always stronger afterwards.

430
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:03,607
‐ They're gonna find us, man.

431
00:17:03,607 --> 00:17:05,025
We're running out of time.
What are we gonna do?

432
00:17:05,025 --> 00:17:05,651
[knives unsheathing]

433
00:17:08,570 --> 00:17:11,114
‐ Plenty of time to carve
these fuckers new assholes

434
00:17:11,114 --> 00:17:13,033
and get home in time
for hot cocoa.

435
00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:15,244
‐ The little alien girl is right.
We can do this.

436
00:17:18,789 --> 00:17:19,540
No weapons?

437
00:17:19,540 --> 00:17:21,959
‐ I've been learning how to do
single blow death punches

438
00:17:21,959 --> 00:17:23,293
as a Christmas surprise for you.

439
00:17:23,293 --> 00:17:25,003
‐ Terry, that is so thoughtful.

440
00:17:25,003 --> 00:17:27,422
How did you know
I love overclocked martial arts movies?

441
00:17:27,422 --> 00:17:28,465
‐ I pay attention.

442
00:17:29,508 --> 00:17:32,344
♪

443
00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:36,306
[door opens, closes]

444
00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:43,063
[screaming]

445
00:17:43,063 --> 00:17:45,232
♪ techno "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"
music playing ♪

446
00:17:45,607 --> 00:17:46,233
[bell dings]

447
00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:48,861
♪

448
00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:57,160
[gunshots]
[men scream]

449
00:17:57,160 --> 00:18:00,497
♪

450
00:18:03,834 --> 00:18:06,211
♪

451
00:18:10,674 --> 00:18:11,675
[growls]

452
00:18:11,675 --> 00:18:13,260
[groans]

453
00:18:16,305 --> 00:18:17,306
[growling]

454
00:18:17,306 --> 00:18:19,850
♪

455
00:18:23,937 --> 00:18:27,232
♪

456
00:18:30,819 --> 00:18:35,365
♪

457
00:18:36,658 --> 00:18:38,076
‐ Jamie, your daddies are home.

458
00:18:38,076 --> 00:18:40,704
‐ And we're here to apologize,
you little angel.

459
00:18:40,704 --> 00:18:43,123
[cackling]

460
00:18:43,123 --> 00:18:45,876
[machinery whirring, clanking]

461
00:18:47,628 --> 00:18:49,671
‐ You're late, fathers.

462
00:18:49,671 --> 00:18:52,799
Eighty years too late.

463
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:55,427
‐ Eww. His body's as crooked
and deformed as his soul.

464
00:18:55,427 --> 00:18:57,554
‐ You've been making
Sinbad clones in here?

465
00:18:57,554 --> 00:18:58,931
I'm disappointed in you, son.

466
00:18:58,931 --> 00:19:02,017
We came here to apologize
for not giving you the Turbo Man toy.

467
00:19:02,017 --> 00:19:04,853
‐ I already have a Turbo Man.

468
00:19:04,853 --> 00:19:07,439
I have all the Turbo Men.

469
00:19:07,439 --> 00:19:09,775
I refuse your pathetic apology.

470
00:19:09,775 --> 00:19:12,611
Where were you
when I needed a father?

471
00:19:12,611 --> 00:19:14,780
‐ Look, man, in a world
with infinite streaming options,

472
00:19:14,780 --> 00:19:17,115
there just isn't any pressure
to finish watching what you start.

473
00:19:17,115 --> 00:19:19,326
I only watched an episode
and a half of Umbrella Academy.

474
00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:21,995
‐ Could you just accept our apology
and stop being such a dick?

475
00:19:21,995 --> 00:19:25,666
‐ When you abandoned me,
I realized I could only rely on myself.

476
00:19:25,666 --> 00:19:29,711
I built my empire and my army
of mutant clones to‐‐

477
00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:32,047
‐ No one cares. We only have
one minute of Christmas left.

478
00:19:32,047 --> 00:19:34,550
Just accept our apology
and finish this fucking story.

479
00:19:34,550 --> 00:19:36,969
‐ Eat shit, Daddy.
[cackling]

480
00:19:36,969 --> 00:19:39,054
‐ He's never gonna let us finish
our emotional journeys,

481
00:19:39,054 --> 00:19:40,430
but we have
to wrap something up here.

482
00:19:40,430 --> 00:19:41,223
W‐what do we do?

483
00:19:41,223 --> 00:19:43,350
‐ Jamie used to be
such a good boy.

484
00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:45,727
I can't believe he turned
into the bad gu‐‐

485
00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:47,437
Wait a minute.

486
00:19:47,855 --> 00:19:50,607
‐ Coming over
to beg me more, Dad?

487
00:19:50,607 --> 00:19:51,650
‐ Oh sweetie, no.

488
00:19:51,650 --> 00:19:54,862
I'm coming over to beat the shit
out of the bad guy

489
00:19:54,862 --> 00:19:56,488
and finish this damn movie.

490
00:19:57,865 --> 00:19:58,699
‐ My tooth!

491
00:19:58,699 --> 00:20:00,659
‐ [gasps] My heart!

492
00:20:00,659 --> 00:20:02,035
Oh my god, it's working.

493
00:20:06,415 --> 00:20:08,959
Guys, Jamie's not
our loving son anymore.

494
00:20:08,959 --> 00:20:10,210
He's the bad guy.

495
00:20:10,210 --> 00:20:12,880
All we have to do is kick
this old man's dick into his ass,

496
00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:14,590
and then we'll get our spirits back.

497
00:20:15,841 --> 00:20:17,551
‐ She's right, that felt great.

498
00:20:18,051 --> 00:20:20,470
‐ Father. No!

499
00:20:20,470 --> 00:20:22,514
‐ I have the spirit
of Christmas again.

500
00:20:22,514 --> 00:20:23,515
KORVO: I feel amazing.

501
00:20:23,932 --> 00:20:25,851
NARRATOR:
Against all odds,

502
00:20:25,851 --> 00:20:29,438
each time the aliens struck
the withered old asshole,

503
00:20:29,438 --> 00:20:33,567
their hearts grew bigger and bigger,
filling with Christmas joy

504
00:20:33,567 --> 00:20:36,778
until they were ready to burst.

505
00:20:38,780 --> 00:20:42,451
♪

506
00:20:49,041 --> 00:20:50,375
‐ This blood tastes like Christmas.

507
00:20:50,375 --> 00:20:52,836
‐ I feel brimming
with huggy holiday jingle joy.

508
00:20:52,836 --> 00:20:55,881
‐ We all do, because we killed
our son as a family,

509
00:20:55,881 --> 00:20:58,008
and doing things
as a family on Christmas

510
00:20:58,008 --> 00:21:00,469
is the most Christmassy
Christmas shit of all.

511
00:21:00,469 --> 00:21:02,012
‐ I love you guys.

512
00:21:04,765 --> 00:21:06,391
‐ Do we really have
to watch the credits?

513
00:21:06,391 --> 00:21:07,601
‐ I don't know. Look at all
the shit that happened

514
00:21:07,601 --> 00:21:09,061
after we bailed early last time.

515
00:21:09,061 --> 00:21:10,229
Best to play it safe.

516
00:21:11,605 --> 00:21:13,106
‐ Rita Wilson had two assistants?

517
00:21:13,106 --> 00:21:14,775
‐ How long are these credits?

518
00:21:14,775 --> 00:21:15,859
‐ It can't be much longer.

519
00:21:15,859 --> 00:21:17,903
It didn't seem like it took
too many people to make this thing.

520
00:21:17,903 --> 00:21:19,613
Wait, wait, wait,
I think they're over.

521
00:21:22,115 --> 00:21:24,660
‐ Second Unit in Canada. Boo!

522
00:21:24,660 --> 00:21:26,286
‐ Fuck!
‐ Oh god!

523
00:21:28,372 --> 00:21:29,581
You know, that might have been

524
00:21:29,581 --> 00:21:31,542
a big, stupid, annoying,
stupid, shitty thing to do,

525
00:21:31,542 --> 00:21:34,002
but in the end, I'm glad
we spent Christmas together.

526
00:21:34,002 --> 00:21:35,128
‐ Yeah.
‐ Yeah, I guess so.

527
00:21:35,128 --> 00:21:37,464
‐ We learned that spending time
as a family is more important

528
00:21:37,464 --> 00:21:39,633
than trying to finish the plot
of a '90s comedy.

529
00:21:39,633 --> 00:21:41,802
And if you think about it,
that was what Jingle All the Way

530
00:21:41,802 --> 00:21:43,762
was trying to teach us all along.

531
00:21:43,762 --> 00:21:44,847
[whistling]

532
00:21:44,847 --> 00:21:47,099
‐ Damn it, how did the Pupa get
his Harry Potter whistle again?

533
00:21:47,099 --> 00:21:49,226
Terry, I thought you locked it up
in the child‐proof cabinets,

534
00:21:49,226 --> 00:21:50,435
where we keep the poison darts.

535
00:21:50,435 --> 00:21:52,354
‐ I did, I did, I put it behind
the poison darts.

536
00:21:52,354 --> 00:21:53,897
‐ That song is so annoying.

537
00:21:53,897 --> 00:21:56,108
‐ You didn't even do any
of the Christmas stuff with us, Pupa.

538
00:21:56,108 --> 00:21:57,860
You're bad.
‐ How does he keep getting that thing?

539
00:21:57,860 --> 00:21:59,444
Is he, like, out getting help?

540
00:21:59,444 --> 00:22:02,322
Who would do that?
He can't even complete a full sentence.

541
00:22:03,073 --> 00:22:05,826
‐ Merry Christmas, everyone.

542
00:22:06,660 --> 00:22:09,162
♪ dramatic theme playing ♪

543
00:22:09,162 --> 00:22:13,333
♪

544
00:22:50,996 --> 00:22:52,497
[mimicking laser fire]